Step 5 and the Removal of Secrets – Herb K – Workshop – Part 20 of 25 – Herb

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening, depending on where you are and when you're listening and watching this 12-step, big book, step telephone workshop. My name is Herb, and I'm an alcoholic. Please join me in the set-aside prayer, open mind, open heart. God please set aside everything that I think I know about myself my brokenness my spiritual path in you for an open mind and a new experience of myself my brokenness my spiritual path and especially Will you join me in the serenity prayer? God grant me a serenety to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Bill uses the rocket launch metaphor, rocketed into a fourth dimension. And I've indicated that steps one through three are the first stage of a three-stage rocket launch. An experience of powerlessness, step one, and a decision about power, step two, and decision for a relationship with power step three that's stage one but we've been focused on the second stage for quite a while we've been looking at inventory step four it's probably the most challenging activity of the step process in terms of its reflection, its acceptance, its revelations, the work that goes involved and the amount of help that we need to experience what at least the big book suggests as a process as well as my background with each of the steps Bill calls it instincts gone awry in the 12 and 12 chapter 4 instincts gone awry and I use that based on my background in biology and psychology to translate and understand the model that he uses in the big book instincts primal instincts of survival fight flight and freeze can then be translated into the emotional reactions that come from those biological functions those instincts anger fear and hiding or translate into our vocabulary dishonesty now the big books model is resentment and fear and sex resentment is anger that's held for a long period of time you define what long means long after the circumstances end the event that stimulated the anger, we hold the energy of negativity, of the anger. It's called resentment, re-feeling the anger and it might be days, weeks, months, decades in some of our cases. and fear Bill suggests is like a corroding thread it's so interwoven into the human nature a reaction of running flight when we are threatened that our survival level now he gives the sex as the third component obviously because it's so huge an issue in normal life i mean everyday life men and women of international but i got underneath mine and what i saw was dishonesty the hiding of my motives the repression of my beliefs and principles in order to get what i wanted so i see the very correlation with those instincts that are in biology physiology for survival of the animal fight flight and freeze freeze meaning camouflage meaning hiding meaning dishonesty and we spent some time last I'm looking at the concluding instructions that I have in the way of life document not from the big book but from my experience and from the twelve and twelve and from The Big Book kind of like wrapping it up looking at some of the things that we didn't spend a lot of time focusing on like the seven capital sins which is a the suggested model in the 12 and 12 step 4 not ingredients that I've got much experience with I didn't need to do that from my standpoint they did not resonate with me they might with you and I'm not dismissing them I'm just sharing that I don't have a particular experience with them looking at various forms of dishonesty especially secrets huge issue for the human being because it leads to detention that leads to the relapse that leads to the addiction the whole point of step four is to identify the sources of intention of tension but bill suggests in the introductory comments on page 64 that we get down to the underlying causes and conditions the exact nature of the source of the suffering now of course he says selfishness self centeredness is the root and in the way of life document you can see the schema that has selfishness of centeredness as the root and then anger and fear and dishonesty and sex as the manifestations of the root the fruit of the root as well as secrets this guilt and shame I have on on that schema in the way of life document so we've reviewed a lot and now it's time to take action bill says we reveal it all now the way I typically do fifth step I suggest people make an appointment probably two three four weeks in advance of their expected date for their sit-down conversation because it takes a minimum of an hour maybe up to eight or ten hours depending on how extensive the step four is and whether it's the first time or whether you've done it before and this is more a summary kind of thing I used to listen to the entire fourth step of somebody who wrote it before I had enough experience to understand that there was a lot of redundancy there and wasn't necessary so now I help them shape it so that it's under eight hours I my target is under eight hours so that i help them shape the number of resentments that's the primary key to the length of the step five experience is uh resentment the column three column four and what i have people do is i have them read column three and then column four. Then I have them read their theory inventory, have what's written. I suggest they do not editorialize. They do not give context. They do not tell the story. They don't create the drama. That's not a time for this. This is not therapy. This is not that kind of catharsis, although it will be therapeutic and it will be cathartic. What I've discovered also as an icebreaker because both parties are uncomfortable with this process. It's a very intimate process, this fifth step. I suggest you have an environment that's safe that is not going to be interrupted. A private home might work if in fact there's not going be people coming in and out or animals that need to be taken care of or phones that are ringing. It's really important. This is a very sacred time. I have the good fortune of having a retreat center available to me, and I arrange for a room so that we have guaranteed privacy. privacy and also bathroom facilities that are closed and outside where people can get up and go out for a smoke if that's what they need and or a walk or a little break or some food or maybe some coffee or some beverage so if it's going to be more than three hours if I anticipate that I suggest the person bring liquids and food. So it's a quite comfortable environment, that's really important. It could be a park as long as you can have some privacy. It could be the beach as long if you can get some privacy, it's really important that you not have the possibility of interruption or being overheard. Mostly it's very emotional experience, primarily for the person giving their fifth step but even for the person hearing that this step sometimes we get connected to the suffering of the person and the truth of the revelation just cracks me open sometimes and so I suggest when we sit down then I read the first paragraph and then they read the second paragraph I read the third paragraph then they the fourth paragraph the benefit of that is we're reading material that we all know and we've all heard of the form perhaps even have prepared us of course part of the assignment to read and highlight it but they're hearing their voice out loud they're hearing my voice out aloud in a very safe way and it kind of settles us down plus it reviews the instructions so that if there's any questions or comments that are necessary for the fifth step they can be taken care of at that time takes five or ten minutes in that very first paragraph bill just does what i do almost every workshop is a retrospective context he looks back over his shoulder at where we've been and he looks at the first step what are the constituents of addiction he confirms them right here when you start you cannot stop when you stop you cannot say stuff and he says either or one or the other in my case it was both and but it doesn't have to be He says that right here on page 72. Of course, then in the second paragraph, he gives us the reason for our rigor and our doing this. Undefended, that's my word, it's not in the book. Completely open, completely vulnerable, completely transparent, that is a good word, transparent, not inthe book, but it is my experience and my suggestion. for the approach to the fifth step he gives us the reason if we skip this vital step we may not overcome drinking we may not overcome our addiction he doesn't have any black and white comments but he's a huge warning here and of course it was the experience of the man who took me through the steps i think i mentioned that earlier at the beginning of our time together way back when we began the telephone workshop the man had had 16 years of sobriety and relapsed and was out for five years did this work with another man after the five-year relapse and was able to come back and when I met him he was a year sober but he said he had kept a secret in his first year in that sixteen-year sobriete he had a secret in the first year now he doesn't know the truth of the connection but what he knows is he kept a secret and he relapsed after 16 years he was adamant when I met him at the door he said her if you have anything that you're planning on conscious of holding back go home because you're wasting my time in yours well good morning Jerry and he had already been very clear about that and I was very clear that I didn't that consciously have any secrets just time after time newcomers try to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives and he says it's a humbling experience but he's really talking about releasing and identifying this tension in us that is a cancer that will metastasize if it's not excised, if it is not surgically removed. As you remember the Ochsner Group calls this work soul surgery. On page 73 he has the word thought in italics twice addressing the possibility of delusion and obsession encouraging us to have the attitude of humility and fearlessness and honesty telling someone all the life story all is in italic the big books way of highlighting an autobiography is not what the step four suggests here at all. But I'd be okay with an autobiography based on that word, all of our life story. In fact it was my experience. My very first experience that opened up the door to my possibility of having a drinking problem was the question from the hospital that asked what's your history of your relationship with alcohol? was an autobiography not a general one but a very specific one concerning my drinking past and it broke open the door for the very first time looking back over 20 30 years of my life and then connecting the dots both in writing but more especially in the revelation to a group of men in that hospital program not my hospital program my wife's hospital program i was there to support her and this was one of the assignments that i had writing it out and then reading it out the parallel to the fourth of this step began my journey and then in my first year of recovery 1984 i did an autobiography because my step guide uh my sponsor didn't understand the steps and And that's what he asked me to do in step four, was an autobiography. It was good enough to keep me around, but it wasn't good enough to change me because I didn't get underneath the script. I didn' t get underneaththe drama. I didn''t get underneaththestoryto the exact nature and the causes and conditions, which is what the big book suggests. In 1988, I did that. mostly with the instructions that I've given you although I added to those instructions experiences that I had later on with other step big book mechanics they added insights and features and experiences and an approach to the suggestions that I hadn't received in the first year we must be entirely honest with somebody he says on page 73 if we expect to live long more happily in this world page 74 notice he's not even talking about addiction he's talking about unmanageability he's talking about living our life he's talking about the spiritual malady rightly and naturally we think well before we choose the person or persons interesting person or person's you can give your fifth step to more than one person you can get part of your fifth yet to one person and another part to another person look down at the paragraph below this one and he says at At the end of that paragraph, such parts of our story we tell to someone who will understand yet be unaffected. Such parts of out story. It may be that we have legal issues or some other kind of issue that's not appropriate for our sponsor to hear. For lots of reasons I won't get into right now, at least in the United States. The hearer of a fifth step is not a protected person, meaning they can have a requirement to go to court and reveal on oath everything that they heard. And in fact the fourth step itself in writing and any notes connected to it can be commandeered by the courts. And so from a legal standpoint, I suggest that people who are hearing fifth steps do not put themselves in any jeopardy legally. Lawyers and psychologists and priests and rabbis and ministers, those are protected people. So how to send people to those people if in fact there's any legal implications to any aspects of their history. i've not had a whole lot of action in that area but i've got enough attorneys in my workshops that have been very clear about this approach the rule is that we be hard on ourselves always considerate of others he also suggests that if in fact confession is one of your traditions in your religious background perhaps you'd want to go to confession i actually tried that in one of the journeys because of course as a person in a catholic tradition that's part of our overall experience and i gave a 10 or 15 minute summary the person actually the priest who was listening to this was quite interested and asked me a lot of questions about alcoholism and and it was kind of an interesting conversation i thought so at the time and the following week that priest showed up in our meeting for his very first meeting pretty interesting a complete readiness to go through it at the first opportunity of course in 1939 there weren't many people a hundred sober people in three cities New York Akron and Cleveland today that's not the issue it may be more with people on this call because of the distance and the specialty of your addiction and fellowship. And I know lots of you have long-distance relationships, meaning states and or countries for sponsors and step guides. But there's a plethora of people that can hear a fifth step competently and that's what he indicates here. Make sure it's the right person who can keep of confidence and fully understand and approve of what we're doing on page 75 when we have decided who is to hear our story we waste no time bill uses the term discussion and i'm that's not my experience with and not my recommendation or suggestion with regard to the fifth step it's a reading of my fourth step very little discussion in fact I give arbitrary guidelines the person who is giving their fourth step talks ninety percent of the time I may talk up to about ten percent of time I'm just a guideline no rules but definitely suggesting The dominant voice being heard is the person revealing their fourth step. We have a written inventory and we prepare for a long talk. We read what we wrote. I really discourage much editorializing. It's usually an effort on the ego to have that person look good in my eyes or to explain their nature or their behavior or their insight that they don't do that no I'm not interested in that I want to hear what you wrote we explained to our partner what we're about to do and why we have to do it I'm reading this paragraph now to the person as part of the icebreaker and I say so what are you about to doing why do you have to deal with they have not been prepared for that question those two questions sometimes they freeze up during a headline what are you here to do but fairly quickly most of them have been guided through the steps by me and so they're prepared to say well i'm here to reveal all of the sources of tension in me all of the courses of obstacles the causes of the obstacles to my relationship with power And why do I have to do it? Because my life depends on it. My life depends on it." We realize we are on a life and death errand. This is a very sacred work. I am always honored by their confidence in this. We pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past aka secrets we're transparent we shine the light into the darkness of our past any area of disturbance discomfort embarrassment that hasn't been talked about before by you or if it has been talked about before by with anybody and it's still an area of discomfort and embarrassment then i really suggest it's an area of tension and that you bring it to light one more time and i stop there and that's when i listen to the column three column four column three on four column three column when they and i make notes i have a pad of paper in front of me and i tell them in advance that i won't interrupt them usually sometimes if in fact there's a a nudge that they need in order to perhaps have an insight or have a connection or have a realization or see a pattern i might do that but i'm not there as a therapist and i'm out there as the teacher i'm up there as sponsor this is not time to teach them how to do third and fourth call that time is long past if they're here they read what they have and it's good enough for them it may not be good enough for me i may see it as superficial and that they're not making the connections that i think they could make too late that's not up to me now this is from my standpoint and these are just my my approach my experience my opinions also don't want to prolong the fist yet I want them to bring so I make notes though if there's something that I really feel important that they're ready to hear then I'll make a note and at the end of the resentment reading when they're finished with it. It's usually anywhere from three hours to six hours because I shape it remember I asked you to identify 20 substantial ones and at least one analysis of column 3, column 4 on everybody maybe three on the most important ones that shapes it that puts a sort of a boundary a container on it so that it doesn't get overwhelming and it doesn' t get redundant. And it is sufficient in order to see the patterns. We review the notes, and we do have a discussion about that. Then we probably take a lunch break if we haven't already. At four hours, we'd probably have taken the lunch break and literally backed off and just sort of opened the door and allow the breeze or go outside and sit at a table or maybe there's been bathroom breaks in between also and then I have the read the fear inventory read the fear why you read the fears why do you have if they've done the worksheet in the way of life document to see the turnaround and they want to read it I invite them to read that takes not very long at all to do the field inventory reading an hour usual or less the same inventory similarly no matter how busy people have been how active they've been and whether or not they've ever done sex inventory before the answers to the questions are very simple straightforward and the most important question is number nine and at some point during the reading I might even suggest that they just focus on the answer to question number nine but everything else is really just leading up to that and work that prepares you for step eight later on then they read the concluding comments whatever they've responded to in terms of those final instructions and certainly any secrets that they might have and we go back then once they have said to me they have read everything in their notebook we go back to page 75 once we have taken this step withholding nothing I begin reading and I look at them and I say have you read everything to me that's in your notes or did you hold anything back they were not prepared for that question I love them straight in the eye and I go silent 30 seconds it's a long time now they've just spent hours in self-revelation so they're usually prepared if there's anything held back to cop it out about five percent of the people have an additional comment to make at that point but then I ask a second question the first one was have you read everything that you wrote the second question it comes only out of my experiences have you written down everything that you're aware of and again another 30 seconds of silence and again about 5% of the people make a comment of some kind at that point very minimal number of people hold anything back because they prepare to be completely transparent but the egos tough it goes tough and then I go on with the promises of the fifth step on page 75 we are delighted we can look the world in the eye we can be alone at perfect peace and ease our fears fall from us we begin to feel the nearness of our Creator who may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience notice it's approximate it doesn't confirm that you actually have one he says there's a high likelihood though that at this point you're going to have an awareness of the significant change in your consciousness the feeling that the drink problem or the addiction problem has disappeared will often come strongly we feel We are on the broad highway, capital B, capital H. Very significant spiritual terminology. Very poetic, very mystical. We are all on the road. We are in the broad hallway. You see, there's no place to go if there is God. God is and God is everything. There is no place that there is not God. and the and the destination is the journey the destination is the Germany we feel they're on the broad highway walking hand-in-hand with the spirit of the universe wonderful a great metaphor embraced by the spirit Then I give them the final instructions. This is part of the fifth step. Returning home, now people may not be able to go back home because it may not be a place of quiet for an hour. They may have other people there. So I suggest that you either stay at the retreat center or they find a park or they stay in their car for an hour and I confirm it's a 60 minute hour. carefully reviewing what we have done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know God better. Very interesting comment. We have just spent weeks, months, sometimes even years doing a fourth step all about ourselves and now we've just spent hours, multiple hours talking about our fourth step which is all about our selves and it says we know god better. in thinking about that it seems that the fourth step removes the obstacles to my relationship to the sunlight of the spirit deep inside of me so I have a more transparent relationship I have effective relationship taking this book down from our shelf we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps that's page 59 carefully reading the first five proposals bill doesn't like to use the same word in consecutive sentences so instead of using the word steps he uses the word proposals as he does on page 60 he uses the word principles these are synonyms for the steps carefully reading first five steps we ask he's suggesting that we're praying we asked but we're in In meditation, carefully reading, we ask if we have omitted anything, for we are building an arch through which we shall walk a free person at last. Remember the architectural analogy he started in step two on page 47, the cornerstone, step willingness that's all willingness is the cornerstone obviously being placed on the foundation of the first step building an arch to which we walk to a new freedom and he confirms the next piece of that work in step three the keystone that stone at the top of the arch that holds the entire arch together but here we are in the fifth step confirming that now we've walked through the arch well he never made any comment about building it or what the building blocks were so I'm assuming the building blocks are the ingredients of step four resentment and fear and sex and secrets as I've indicated in the way of life talking is our work solid in other words in step nine the promises talk about painstaking has nothing to do with pain it has everything to do with being careful with detail paying attention to the detail being thorough not being perfect for you out there who are perfectionists and it's never good enough it's always good enough no no no you have to hear me it's all ways good enough it may be better later on but for right now you do the best you can do knowing that it's not the best that you can and it okay Are the stones properly in place? The ingredients to step forth perhaps? Have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation? Prayer and meditation, the set-aside attitude and prayer. Have we tried to make mortar without sand? Have we left anything out? It's a meditation, a 60-minute meditation. not reviewing the book not reviewing this well but well not reviewing your notes in your binder please don't do that do a meditation what did I do in step one oh let's see I looked at powerlessness in terms of my addiction with my body and my mind my body with my allergy what was my experience with that my mind with my obsession and delusion what was my experience with that meditating on the instructions and my experience and the discussion that we've had about that and then the key to this first step and the key of the entire program is looking at the spiritual malady the unmanageability those bedevilments that are still currently relevant to my life that the addiction may not be I may have abstinence and long-term evidence but I'm a human being and I still am unmanageable on my own power and those bedevilments will manifest in my life on the daily basis which I watch for in the chance day and then step two what is it that I really believe what decision did I make in is it real for me and in the third step what decision that I make about a a relationship to be put into an alignment do I believe that is that really part of my consciousness part of spiritual awareness part of mind dating practice and then to take a look at each of the component parts of step four in a meditation not reviewing your notes it might do that in some cursory way but don't get substituting reading or writing or any other kind of activity for the process of thinking and reflecting and praying and meditating and allow this process to wash over you and then I say to them when they finish with that hour get a good night's sleep go out for a walk have a dinner with friends go to a meeting whatever it is you do to kind of like detach and refreshing but then the next morning please call me and we'll talk about your conclusion to the fifth step and the suggestions and assignments for six and seven the assignment for next week will be number 19 step 6 let's pray the serenity prayer that is the prayer for dealing with reality as it is and it's a prayer for wisdom God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change courage to change the things that I can and wisdom to know the difference thanks everybody