Step 5 and the Connection He Had Always Been Looking For – Tom W.

All right, I'm Tom. I'm an alcoholic and it's gonna take probably like five minutes or so before my heart rate decreases enough and stop swallowing hard and all that to where actually like makes sense and sound coherent. So maybe I'll read first, and that will help me get out of the way for me to tell my story. But anyways, this is, I'm supposed to talk to someone about God, and I think it's kind of funny that I would talk about God, because if you had told me four and a half years ago that I wouldn't want to be involved in AA and be asked to who told my story and A, I wouldn't have believed you. I didn't want to be here when I got here and I didn' t want to do the work and I din' t wanna show up. I didn''t really necessarily know that this was the answer. And that I needed to get in touch with this higher power thing and all that. But I guess I'm gonna read a thing that has meant a lot to me in sobriety because I struggled with the God thing. And so this is from page 46 of the big book, and it says, Much to our relief, we discovered we did not need to consider another's conception of God. Our own conception, however inadequate, was sufficient to make the approach and to effect a contact with Him. As soon as we admitted the possible existence of a creative intelligence, a spirit of the universe underlying the totality things, we began to be possessed of a new sense of power and direction. provided we took other simple steps. We found that God does not make too hard terms with those who seek him. To us, the realm of spirit is broad, roomy, all-inclusive, never exclusive or forbidding to those who earnestly seek. It is open, we believe, to all men. So I think I'm a little less anxious right now and I can start telling my story and tell you what it was like and what happened and what it's like now. And I grew up in a wealthy family. My parents had money. That wasn't one of, like, the concerns. I have an older brother who's three years older than me and a younger sister who is a year younger than me. And I'm a middle child, and some of you already know what that means. But I started drinking. I remember my first drunk. My brother's three year older than we are. me. And one of the things that drove me and that I remember as part of my experience growing up was that I always wanted to be cool and to fit in. I wanted to win your acceptance. And I wanted it to feel that connection. And I just wanted this sense that I was a part of something. and I just didn't have the tools to plug in. So anyways, I was a lot of times doing things and being the class clown and trying to figure out a way where I could feel like a little bit of that, you know, just some of that connection. And my first drunk was... I mean, alcohol was around my house and my parents drank alcohol and I knew that it was important and it was a part of all the celebrations and, you know, a part of dinner time and everything. But I had a little bit of alcohol here and there. But the first time that I really got drunk was when I was 12 years old. And my older brother and his friend thought it would be funny, you know. Give me some alcohol. And he poured a whiskey shot and I drank it. And he pours another one and I drink it and he pour another one. You know, I'm 12 years-old so these aren't like the biggest shots ever. I can't drink that much. But in my mind, I remember taking like ten shots. I'm sure that it was probably something like four or three. My mind exaggerates what the truth is. So I drank these shots and I don't really remember. Some people tell their story and they say their first drunk was the best thing that ever happened to them. But I went so quick into that uncomfortable drunk where the room is spinning, and there's nausea, and I'm going to throw up. I kind of stumble down some stairs, and I am trying to turn the alarm off so that I can let my brother's friend out. I can't do it, andI am kind of scared at this point in time. I'm, like, I'm getting, like real drunk and my, uh, my brother says, uh take a cold shower and I know that, like I'm uh have, like some characteristics of alcoholics because when I hear, like take one, like it just registered automatically, like three cold showers, you know, and I took three, I took free cold showers and uh I took 3 cold showers that night and and went to bed with, like, the room spinning. And I woke up the next morning and never had the thought, like, I'm never going to do that again. You know? And I don't know if that makes me an alcoholic, but, like it's a really good start, you know? Like to have consequences from the first time that I did it and, like to just be able to automatically, I mean there was no effort involved, automatically just dismiss any consequences as a result of my drinking. That was actually something that my mind was able to do on numerous occasions where bad stuff happened, but it just didn't register and it didn't click, that somehow these problems are related to my using. Anyways, it would be a lie if I told you that I started drinking every day at the age of 12 years old. It's a progressive disease, and it started out that I was... It started out I smoked weed when I was 12, and I drank for the first time when I Was 12. It wasn't around that much for me, and it wasn't a part of my social scene that much until I hit high school. The summer before I went to high school was when I really got on top of my drinking and drugging and started hanging out with people that, you know, like it was more socially acceptable at 15 for some reason than 12 to get drunk on the weekends. And I started hangingout with a few older people that were doing it And it was like the best thing that ever happened to me at 15. Like, I loved getting fucked up. I mean, it was, like, why didn't I start doing this more often when I was 12? You know, like this was,like, that way that that connection that I was looking for, I felt like I had found it in alcohol and drugs. And, like man, I could, like be the person I wanted to be when I was out and i could be the center of attention and like not be nervous and you know i could like my the acceptance thing like didn't matter as much anymore and i hear like a lot of people like it's like that feeling of like less than like just kind of disappeared and it didn't matter and uh you know I would be a fool not to like continue to go back to do this as much as I possibly could. And so, I progressively get into things that I had, you know, previously in my life, like, I'm never going to do that. Like, I am absolutely never going to, you now, like I am never going do crystal meth or cocaine or mushrooms or acid or anything like that because the experience of like smoking weed and drinking was just like so powerful but I was willing to forego these really strong commitments because of how powerful it was and what it did for me. So I'm in this progression of the disease, And I'm like 15 and I'm in high school and I start, you know, like I'm making good grades but I'm like hanging out with like different people that are in my, you know, upper classes. Like I'm an advanced classes but like I hang out with these different groups of people and try to fit in all these different subcultures that like, you know, I'm still looking for that connection and still trying to find where I belong and like I never really find it in the groups that I'm seeking out. And I think I went through some, like, interesting phases. I was a punk skater, and I was a gangster skater. And I was a cowboy. And I was a hippie. And I went through, like all these phases and, like hung out with all these different people. And, I mean, I hung out with the, like, you know, when I was a punk, I hung out with the gangsters. And, you know, we had our point of connection, like the drugs and alcohol. Like, I could hang out with different groups of people. But, Like, I never really felt like I found my people. And, like, man, I was sitting in the meeting last night, the speaker meeting, and I just, like... I was sittin' in here in the other meeting room, and I was like, man,I really feel like I've found my peopl. You know? And,like, I have so much compassion for the person who's sittin', who doesn't feel like they really fit in here yet, you know, who's still kind of strugglin' with it. and before I worked the steps I sat in here and I didn't feel like I was really here and that I had found my people but eventually I kind of went through this process of listening to people and working the steps and I really felt like this is where it's at. I am done looking for that subgroup and that other way and that kind of thing and surrender that these are my people. So, anyways, I don't feel like I'm really connected right now and really in my story. I kind of feel like, I do not know, like I am not collected and together. So, anyway, bear with me. Um, so, um, I'm hanging out with, uh, you know, these different groups of people and not really feeling like I fit in and, um. And, and trying really hard. And that was like one of the things like I tried really hard and, uh. And I, and I was making good grades and, and part of that was motivated by the fact that I knew that if I made good grades, I would have my parents' attention diverted elsewhere so that I could do what I wanted to and in my free time. And And, you know, like I talked about before, I really wanted to get drunk and loaded as much as possible and free up as much time, get my work done so that I could reward myself. And so I guess I'll kind of skip in because I want to talk about recovery, like what's happened since I've been sober and stuff. I had a chain of events that really kicked in high gear, like my alcoholism and drugs. I had that girl that moved away, and it was the most depressing thing ever for me. She was the one, and she moved away. That was the only period of time when I drank daily and kind of spiraled down from there and did all the stuff that I said I was never going to do and, you know, did a lot of stuff that I figured would probably be pretty hard to live with later on. One night I was hanging out with some friends and, you know it was like it was a night just like any other night like I went out with the intention of like getting completely obliterated like I did every other night with the car keys because like that's what I did I mean, I drove drunk all the time. I had my learner's permit and I drove drunk with my mom in the car. Like, I drove drunk and that was like what I did. And I went out like one night and I was drinking Mad Dog 2020 and smoking a lot of weed and we went out and I was like, you know, we were going to leave to go score some more pot. And there was like nothing out of the ordinary that night. Like, it was just like any other night. We were playing video games and listening to music, listening to Grateful Dead and bringing in every 2020, smoking weed. And we went out that night to go get some more bud and I blacked out somewhere on the drive to go and get it. And I had like two friends with me and one business associate and I dropped all them off in a blackout and then I have like a few hours unaccounted for and then the next report of me is from a toll booth attendant who called the Houston Police Department and said we have a black BMW going the wrong way on the tollway and he's going like 100 miles an hour And then the next report after that is 20 miles between there and the wreck. And I got in a head-on collision, and I figured that I was going probably like 60 miles an hour at least. Like I'm in a blackout. I don't remember any of this. This is all from my police reports. But I figured I was probably going like at least 60 miles per hour, and the other car was probably gone 60 miles. So it's like hitting a brick wall at 120 miles an hours. and um like i really get this like idea of like borrowed time and like that uh like when people talk about like being sober and like getting second chances and like kidding getting like to do it over again and like living on borrowed time i mean if god's not like shot all through that like i mean i don't obviously know about god then but um i got a second chance like i the people there were two people in the other car I was the only one in the car that I was driving and those two people were hurt and I woke up in the hospital the next day with a broken collarbone and you know like I wake up out of my blackout and I'm in a hospital and my parents are on both sides of me and they tell me what happened and that was like that was the worst moment of my life waking up in hospital to that bitter incomprehensible demoralization and realizing that I had done this thing and I don't remember it. And you know like I mean there's nothing like looking your parents in the eye and have them tell you like you know you drove the wrong way on the freeway and you hurt a couple people. So I did not get sober then. I was like, that's not alcoholic enough for me. My problem was not drinking. It was like drinking and driving. I just had to figure out a way where I could be out on papers and continue to do what I wanted to do. I left that day from the hospital and I had a prescription for hydrocodone that I was going to fully utilize. I left the hospital and was out on bail for a while and continuing to use. This was more of my period of trying to figure out the formula where I could control it. I knew that there were some things that were out of control about it, and I kind of conceded to myself that, like, it didn't really work, you know, the way that I was doing it. And I needed to figure out a right way to do it. And I had to stop smoking weed because I was on probation and that was, like. devastating for me because that was a huge part of my life and it did something for me that other drugs couldn't do and that I, like., really liked. And, um. I mean, I'm, like,. completely crazy. Like, this is the point at which the normal drinker, like, has some serious consequences because of, you know, what they do. And they just say, I mean, I'm 17 years old when this drunk driving accident happened. This is when the normal Drinker says, okay, like I'm seventeen, I am not of age to drink, I'm in serious trouble because of it, because of drinking. Like, I going to stop at least for a while until I'm off probation and done with all this. But it says, I'm going to read this. This is the only other thing I'm gonna read. But it talks about the difference between the normal drinker, the hard drinker and the alcoholic in the big book. So moderate drinkers have little trouble in giving up liquor entirely if they have a good reason for it, like drunk driving accident. They can take it or leave it alone. Then we have a certain type of hard drinker. He may have had the habit badly enough to gradually impair him physically and mentally. It may cause him to die a few years before his time. If for a sufficiently strong reason, ill health, falling in love, change of environment, or warning of a doctor becomes operative, this man can also stop or moderate, although he may find it difficult and troublesome. And he may even need medical attention. But what about the real alcoholic? He may start off as a moderate drinker, he may or may not become a continuous hard drinker but at some stage of his drinking career he begins to lose all control of his liquor consumption once he starts to drink and that was like where I was at like I was in trouble and I was just like delusional thinking like I could still make it work and like I'm completely like I've lost control but I'm still trying to like make it happen and so I get sober a year and a half later, and in between that year and a half, there are so many blackouts. And I'm taking Xanax and drinking, and you know, like, I'm waking up out of blackouts, and trying to assess, like what I did the night before to make sure that I'm not in trouble. Because I'm like, out on bail, I am facing two to ten, and you know like, I don't, I like, I'm drinking obviously, like I'm powerless and I'm unmanageable, and I won't even recognize it. So my senior, I get convicted the week before my senior year in high school. And I go to the judge, andI get four years probation, no license for four years, community service, classes, victim impact panel. I mean, like all this stuff and then 30 days in jail. And so I'm supposed to, you know, wait. It's like right before my senior year. So they decide to have me come turn myself in after I walk across the stage and graduate. And, you now, I make good grades and I end up like graduating in the top 10% of my class. And I walk cross the stage. And then I go and turn myself a week later. And, um, you kno, I go out for that last hurrah drunk like right befo I go into jail. and end up blacking out and waking up in a guy who's actually sober now, his apartment, who was dealing drugs. Just completely crazy. And I wake up in his apartment and the next day go turn myself in for jail and spend a month in jail. And the whole time I'm in jail, I'm dealing with this obsession. I want to get drunk and loaded. When I'm not drinking and getting loaded, I want it. I get loaded and it's like something I think about all the time. And, uh, I get out and it's, like, the first thing I want to do, you know, and I continue to go back and just do what I do, and, um, I go, uh... I decide actually I am going to college. I'm, like so scattered right now. I hope some of this is somewhat coherent. But, um... I go... I decide to go to college out-of-state because I figure that the state's gonna let me do it on probation. And I figure they'll have less taps on me and I'll be able to do more of what I want to do and, uh, have less drug tests and stuff like that. And so I go away to school to Memphis and I go to Rhodes College and I'm at school there and I're like not drinking daily. Like I'm thinking about it every day and like I want too every day, but I know that I can't, you know, like make it work with probation and school and everything like that, um, if I drink every day. And so I'm like doing school like Monday through Friday and like Friday night I'm making up for it, you know, and like wake up Saturday morning. And the pattern like at the very end of my drinking was like just, it was just like boring but like the same stuff over and over again. Like Monday through Friday like try not to drink and then Friday like big blowout and wake up Sunday with like the hangover that like non-alcoholics only have once, you now. Like where you wake up and And like being sick and dehydrated is like only the beginning, you know. And I get like nothing done on Saturday even though I have all these papers due and everything. I think like for weeks on hand, the only thing I got done on Sunday was like my laundry. And I would like do my laundry and be kind of like proud that I got my laundry done. And so I wake up on Saturday morning, and this is the end of my drink. And I didn't even realize this until I had two years sober, but I kind of spotted that alcoholic pattern. And as if the accident and everything didn't show me enough, I saw that on Saturday night, Saturday morning I'd wake up after Friday night drinking and drank way more than I had planned on drinking and got out of control. and I'd wake up on Saturday morning and be like, I'm not going to drink tonight. Not like I'm going to stay sober for the rest of my life or anything like that, but just like, I'm nicht going to dring tonight. And I'd mean it. And, you know, I'd get a little hydrated and my stomach would hurt a little less and I had that obsession working in my mind. And while the obsession was working in our mind and I go drink Saturday night and just be like up, I changed my mind, you know? Like this is what I want to do And I'd drink on Saturday night, and I would fully buy my own bullshit that that was what I wanted to do. And so I'd wake up on Sunday morning, and it would be the same thing. And then I'd go through the week, and i'd just do it. And it wasn't like any big thing that happened that really brought me down so much. I did have one night where I blacked out. And I think, I was in this dorm where I used to date a girl. And so I think I was probably trying to get back with her. But I got found by a resident advisor who found me in the girls' bathroom peeing. And I guess I was like kind of sly even in blackouts. Because like I knew that guys, you know, guys stand up to pee obviously and girls sit down. And so when I got busted I was sitting down. It might also have been that I didn't have the best of balance at the time. But it was like, you know, she looked under the stall and saw some big dude feet. And she, you Know, confronted me and she said, You know, are you a student here? No. Are you going to tell me your name? No. You know what are you doing here? Like, I don't know. So she's like, okay, well, I mean, if you're not a student and, you know, you're obviously drunk, you're in the girl's bathroom, like you're going to have to be escorted off campus by Campus Safety. And, you knows, she goes, that's fine, you Know, let's do that. And she gets on the phone with Campus Safety and, You know, calls it in and I take off running. I mean, I don't know. I do things that are very uncharacteristic of me when I am drunk and loaded that I don' t do when I'm sober like that. The problem is that I am unable to call it quits and come to that point where I'm like, all right, I'm good. I'm taking pills and drinking and I'm just going for more and more and there's That internal, I guess, judgment call or whatever that I think normal people might have, I don't have that. So I do things like that. And I woke up that next morning, and it's funny to tell the story now. It was not funny when it happened. And I awoke up the next morning and I was in trouble for lying. I was going to go to the Honor Council and I wasn't convinced that they were going to tell my probation officer. And, like, I had a good lawyer, and I got off real easy for intoxicated assault with a vehicle. And I was like, man, they're going to throw the book at me. Like, they are going to tell the, you know, Texas what's going on from, you know, Tennessee, and then I'm going to go to prison. And so I woke up that next morning, and, like I watched the hallway bathroom to throw up, and this guy told me what happened and what I did. And, you know, he was laughing about it. It wasn't funny to me. He was laughing about it. And I went back to my room, and I conceded to my inner self that I was going to prison. Not that I wasn't an alcoholic, but that I Was going to Prison. And I'm, I don't know, too boyishly cute to go to prison, and I wouldn't have done well there. And I was having lots of problems with anxiety, too, And so I'm seeing a therapist about that, and we're not talking about drinking and drugging. Like, I don't know how I can, like, you know, go to a therapist and, like address some problem and not talk about this, but I'm not talking about it, you now. So I go, and you know I go to like a next session or something, and she says something about, you know, like I end up bringing it up, and She says something about, I guess, like her experience. And she had had an experience where she used to follow widespread panic. And that was who I was at that time. That was the in-group that I was in. And she has had some trouble and took care of herself. In a really general way, kind of shared her experience strength and hope. And it kind of implanted the idea that, like, maybe I could do something different. Like, get sober or something. And I wasn't ready to do it yet, but it just, like – it planted a seed. You know, and some people are at the conference and, like… Man, they're not ready yet. But it's planting a seed, and I really believe that. So I'm still trying to make it work even after this, you know, encounter and prison and everything. And I don't know. And I'm just, you now, like scared. And so I'm like just going to take pills, you know, because pills, that's the way. And I try to just take pills and I figure out the hard way that like once I start doing something, like I do things uncharacteristic of me and, you Know, the obsession takes over and then like I drink, you Now, and I go and I drink. And my biggest problems that I caused were always when I was drinking. I mean, like I definitely fit in an AA. So, anyways, this guy who was in AA had gone to the counseling center where I was going to this therapy. And he had gone and said, you know, my name is Daniel and I'm an alcoholic and I've been sober for a few years. And if anyone comes to the Counseling Center and wants to get sober or wants to talk about getting sober, here's my number. And so this therapist who had shared her experience gave me his number and was like, if you're interested and you're open to it, call this guy. And I looked him up on the online directory to see who he was and I didn't call him for a couple weeks. And, you know, I was going to stay sober on my own and I don't need anyone's help. And the speaker last night was talking about how, like, we're alcoholic because of how we feel when we're not using. And I was so uncomfortable not using and was completely obsessed, you know, in my mind. Like I really wanted to get high. Like every fiber in my being wanted to get high and drink. And that was where the willingness came from. I had a month of time without using drugs or drinking before I went to an AA meeting. And it was like the worst month of my life. I wanted to go to AA. To get high and drink all the time. And I woke up in the morning and I like had to just like, I mean, when people say white knuckle, I know what it's like to white knuggle. So anyways, I go up and I talk to this guy and I'm like, hey man, my intention is just not to go to AA, not to have him sponsor me or anything like that. My intention is to go and talk to him and be like, dude, I'm trying to do a sober thing and every once in a while it gets really hard. I want to just have somebody I can call the lifeline. And I, like, start that conversation. I have it all rehearsed in my head how it's going to work out. And it doesn't work out like it does in my ahead. And he ends up, like inviting me to a meeting. And I did not want to go to AA. And I didn't want to do meetings. I wanted to do this thing on my own and, like you know, somehow make it through to that point where I wasn't going to be that I was completely obsessed and, like really wanting to get high and drink all the time. And he invited me to a meeting, and for some reason I said yes. And he set a time, and I said okay. And he picked me up and he took me to the meeting, and I went begrudgingly and started to hear my story in the room, you know, and like hear people talk about stuff that I related to. And I didn't relate to God. I didn' t relate to like an experience, spiritual experience or anything like that. But I related it to the problem. And so I'm really grateful that people talk about the problem. And I remember one guy that I related to the most early on was this guy who I would look at and be like, dude, man, me and him, no way do I relate to this guy. He had a mullet, and he had a Harley-Davidson hat, and he was missing teeth. I highly doubt that he graduated in the top 10% of his class, but I could be wrong. Anyways, he had that language of the heart and he talked about going to bed at night and his head hit the pillow and he was sober and that meant that it was a good day and that he had done something right. And I related to that because early sobriety was really hard and even when I started going to meetings and even wenn I started begrudgingly doing some of the things that people talked about like praying and stuff Like, early sobriety for, like, months was hard for me. And I really wanted to get drunk and high a lot. And because of that, I started doing some of the things that people talked about. You know, like praying and, like you know, calling people. And I called this, like this one guy, like I called him late at night because that was, like when my mind was, like working, like overtime for me to go and I still was holding on to some drugs as a backup plan. I still had my backdoor plan in case things didn't really work out with the sober thing. And I called this guy, and I don't remember anything that he said, but I remember that he started a lot of what he said with, my sponsor tells me or my sponsor told me. And I got this idea that sponsorship was important and that I needed to do that. And so I started working the steps with him, and I did a one-two-three hangout. And I got a little bit of relief from like starting to do some of the things. And so, I was kind of balking at the fourth step. And I'd call him every once in a while and be like, hey man, like I'm really suffering. Like this one thing is really, this is the problem. This is really pushing my buttons. And he kept saying like, man, if you do a fourth step, like it'll really help. If you do it for us, it will really help I was like, no, no. That's not what I need to do. This thing needs to go this way. So I hold off as long as I possibly can. I have five months sober. I come and it's the end of the semester and I'm required to come back to Texas because of my probation. I come back from Texas and I don't have a driver's license so I'm having to get rides everywhere. There's this one dude that really wants to give me rides and he, not like that but he starts taking me to meetings and I'm in a meeting one night that he had driven me to and the topic is sponsorship and the importance of that and I realized that I don't have a sponsor in Houston and that I need one if I'm going to stay sober because everybody I know in Houston that I associate with my whole group of friends are the people that I use with and they were not people that I was going to be able to lean on and get experience, strength, and hope from about staying sober. And I needed those people. And so I go to dinner afterwards and he ends up sponsoring me and I'm working the steps with him and I do the fourth step. And one of the big things that I learned in the fourth set was how much of an active participant I am in my own suffering and how I am a big part of the problem and that I need to make some serious changes in my life in order to suffer less. Some of these things that might be blatantly apparent to other people weren't necessarily the case for me. I get to my part in the columns and I just have more insight into my own life than I had in the months of therapy that I was in. And I don't know why that is. I finally did the work. I surrendered and did the job. I did the right thing and saw who I was dealing with And I saw, like, I had to give up a lot of that resistance that I had because I saw the problem on paper. And there was no denying the truth will set you free. I saw The Truth About Myself. And so I quickly had to do the fifth step right away. And I decided every time that I try to do things on my terms, it kind of ends up a little shaky. and, like, it's not really that, like solid foundation. So I grabbed this guy who had 19 piercings actually, but he was sober and I grabbed his guy and did a fifth step and it didn't really, like take nothing really happened and, you know, my sponsor was like, dude, what happened? You went and did your fifth step just with some random guy and I was like yeah, I did, but also so I want to do what you used to and make sure that I continue working the steps with you. I just felt like I had to do it. And I go, and I do the fifth step with my sponsor who was taking me to all these meetings and everything. And that thing happened that absolutely changed who I was. I read him all these things, and we go through it, and it takes hours, and we Go Through My Part and everything, And he points in the book, and we were always in the book, where it suggests an hour of meditation after doing the fifth step. I go back to my house, he goes and drops me off I don't have a driver's license. He goes and drop me off, and I sit in my backyard in the experience of connection that I had always been looking for, my whole life. That feeling of like, I belong here and, you know, like I did a bunch of stuff that like isn't necessarily stuff to be proud of but this is a place where I get to use that stuff to help other people. And I realized that day that like everything that had like led up to there and like I'm not going to stay in this experience for the rest of my life but this was the experience that I had that day was that like Everything was going to serve this purpose and that, you know, I belonged in AA. And, you Know, I looked back at what my sponsor had done and I was like, man, I can do that with someone else. Like he just told the truth and like said what his experience was. And this changed my life and I can like, you now, do that too. I continue on with the steps and get to the ninth step. And I don't know if I, I don' t think I shared this, but the two people that were hurt in the accident, like one of them, I was going to try and apologize to and he didn' t want to hear anything from me and said that he wished that I had died in the incident. And so I'm, like, living with that, like that whole time. And, you know, I still do and it's still kind of hard. And I get to the amends part of the steps and go talk to someone who has a similar experience and find out what they do. And he goes, as bad as I feel like I'm doing today, like I started speaking because that was what he did and what he suggested was go and talk to people who are at risk for drinking and driving and just share your story. Just tell what happened. And so, like, as part of my amends, I go and talk at colleges and high schools and, you know, just tell that, talk about, like just that night and how I thought it would never happen to me and how, you now, it was just a regular night and it was one drive, one night and it completely changed my life. And, anyways, Anyways, I don't know. I got a lot of relief and gratitude that I would be able to do something like that because sometimes it's just overwhelming shame and guilt. To be ableと have a step that focuses so directly at that and so directly in service and being able to show up and help other people just kind of cleans a lot of that stuff up. So I guess I should talk about, I picked up three years, my first three years sober, I got rides to meetings for like, you know, every single meeting I went to. And I went AA meetings and I was like involved in AA so I went committee meetings and like went to conferences in and out of town and like people were like giving me rides everywhere. And people were doing their service work, helping me out to make sure that I could be there so that I can do my service work. It was all interrelated. And I go in one day to my probation officer and meetings with my probation officers were drastically improved after I got sober. I did not experience the fear of getting called back and all of that stuff. And one of the ways, I don't know, like early in recovery I shared about in meetings about how people were talking about where you see God and I saw God in little plastic cups because I didn't have to worry about getting called back. You know, I could go in and pee in that cup and not worry about what was in it because I knew I was not drinking and using drugs. So I go in one day and talk to my probation officer and she knows what I'm doing in AA and I don' t talk about it very much but she kind of knows about it And she's like, okay, well, you know, you've been doing the right thing. Someone will reward you for what you're doing and give you your license back. And, man, I drive in my car, and, like, I do my morning meditation. And, like、 you know., for a while, like., I would do my mourning meditation. And,like., I'd be like, man., like, this just feels so rote. And, Like., I'm just, like,, trying to, you Know., connect, but it's just not working. And then, like?, I'd, you Now., start my day, and I'd do it even though I wasn't really feeling it. And then I'd do it anyways. Then I'd go and I'd get in my car and start my car. I'd be like, man, this is God. Me being able to drive a car is a very tangible way that I see that something is working in my life that is bigger than me and better than me and greater than me and is through me and all that. I'm not someone who was going to get off probation. I'm Not someone who's going to get their license back. None of that stuff was going happen. I wasn't going to graduate college because I was going to go to prison because I wasn'T going to violate probation and get in trouble and all that. Anyways, I get my license back, and man, I love giving people rides to meetings. I don't want to freak anyone out, and I don'T want to get too many calls about rides, but I love getting people to ride some meetings. That's one of my favorite ways to serve in AA. But I continue on with the steps. I finish the steps, and then I get a sponsor in Memphis because I need to have a sponsor wherever I'm living and be accountable and all that. And I go back to school, and I've graduated now. I finished, andI graduated in psychology honor society and, you know, did well in school and stuff, like, you know, directly related to me being an AA and learning the stuff that people talked about and doing things that I didn't want to do because I heard other people talking about they did things that they didn't want to do and, like showed up to class, you know, did those like very simple things and I guess I want to share and I brought this thing to read and it's one of those things because I don't necessarily always feel this strong presence of God in my life. Sometimes I do. Right now where I am in my sobriety, I'm having a lot of fear and I don' t know what I'm going to do next and so I'm not real connected up and I'm no sunburned by the sunlight of the Spirit right now. So little things like these little mementos and things, they really help me and one of the things, I went and got my driver's license renewed and, like, man, I'd look at my driver's license and I'm like, oh, I didn't do this. This is like something working in my life. But I was at school and I knew I was off probation because the date had ended. But I went and I checked my mailbox and this was the thing that I read in the mail. Dear Mr. Watson, congratulations to your community supervision and cause number 90587201 has been terminated. you are no longer required to report to Harris County Community Supervision and Corrections Department. Best of luck to you, Cindy Clark, Supervising Officer. And I don't know, like I didn't think I was going to get off probation. I didn'T think I WAS GOING TO GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK. I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD STAY SOBER FOR FOUR AND A HALF YEARS. I WASN'T GOING To GRADUATE COLLEGE. Like, all this stuff that is like, you know, directly due to the fact that I went and did all these things that, like, I didn't want to do. I didn'T want to be here, you KNOW? And, you Know, sitting here last night and like, I want to BE here now, YOU KNOW? I really want to Be here and I want TO stay. And I want To do the work because I got something here that I DIDN'T get anywhere else, YOU know? And all my searching and all that, LIKE, trying to fit in here and, YOU Know, trying to, like, gain acceptance here. Like, I don't have to do that. Y'all will accept me exactly as I am, like, sweating and, you know, swallowing hard and heart beating fast and nervous and, you know. Like, I don�t have to be someone I�m not here. And, I don �t know. I really appreciate when people are honest and talk about their struggles and doing that because if I didn�t know that it was okay to struggle in AA, I would have left a long time ago. You know, And right now, I guess I'm having the existential crisis of today. I had that one last week and I got the one today. And I have hope because I know that other people do too and that they have gotten through it and show up and speak in front of podiums even when they're scared and do all that kind of stuff. but Hickeypaw is really important to me I got involved in service here because I was at coffee one day and my ride who I was hanging out with I could have gotten another ride but one of the rides I was going she was the co-chair I didn't know anything about Hickypaw young people conference stuff some people were excited about it And anyway, so I went. And I didn't actually know what I was getting myself into. But I went and like it's one of those things that is just like really important to my recovery because I heard my first speaker meeting at a conference and heard young people talk about the things that I went through and got some clarity on like some of that like, oh, well, I got sober when I was 19. like am i you know stuff like that gets like addressed you know and uh having fun in sobriety like i have lots of fun in sorority i have friends today that uh one that like i don't have to like necessarily like be someone else i get to be weird and eccentric and you know like nervous and all that with them and have fun doing it sober and I don't know if I said this but I don' t obsess about drinking and doing drugs anymore that was removed when I worked the steps and that's like really important I don''t know why I didn' t talk about that it's like one of the most important things that happened because of me working the steps but I dont know what else to say this definitely didn' d go like I planned so that's probably good And I guess I'm done. Thanks. Thank you. Vicki Paul got this for you. Thanks for speaking. So there's something happening at noon. the kickoff meeting, wrap-up meeting, 2009 Hickey Ball kickoff meeting. I don't know what they call it. At noon? Is that right? Okay, at noon. So thanks for everybody that made it this morning and thank you Tom so much for sharing your space. Let's close. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. We have signed this invitation to deliver us from evil and cleanse the kingdom of God and the glory of heaven and earth. Amen. Keep coming back. It works if you work it.