Step 5 and the Abuse She Finally Stopped Carrying – Sandy H.

Good morning, everybody. My name is Sandy Hickox. I'm alcoholic and I always get real nervous and I get nervous because my pride and my ego gets in the way still. And well, what a weekend. Herb, I really enjoyed the part of your workshop that I heard. I mean, it just reiterated what I know and I believe in my heart. And Kip, thank you for your time. You know, I got to hang out with him, you know, we drove, we rode from the airport and, you know, sitting in Herb's workshop. We were, you know, what about this? And what about this? What do you think about that? I mean, it was like we're newcomers again, you know, and I am so grateful I can get to that place. You know, my sobriety date is November 14th, 1983, and I'm almost 25 years sober. And to be so excited and to hear things brand new and, you know be pumped up about working with newcomers again and, you know just being able to explain the program in simple terms like y'all did for me. I am grateful for that. Thank you so much. I want to thank the committee for inviting me here and Carrie for taking the time to do all that she has done. It's been just a good weekend. Yeah, I'll settle down in just a minute. Like Reed said, I'm a month move to Albuquerque, New Mexico from in Pocatello, Idaho. And it's a big city and I'm scared. And, you know, I hadn't found a home group yet. And they do it different. There's just a lot of differences there that I'm not used to. You know, we were talking in the meeting. She's a newcomer, been in and out. And she said, Do you have that 9 o'clock rule? I said, What 9 o clock rule? No phone calls after 9 oclock. I said in the morning? She said no at night. I say hell don't know. I don't. I mean, what alcoholic? I mean it's totally beyond my comprehension. I mean I'm a two o'clock crazy kind of drunk. You know when the meetings are over and I'm home by myself and my head gets to thinking that's when I want to talk to somebody. And I'm going to tell you that's after nine o' clock. You now so I don t get that part and then I get scared. Well maybe I m doing it wrong. And then I talk to my sponsor or talk to Kip or hear Herb say something like he said yesterday and I go you know screw that. You know, I am a 24-7 type of alcoholic. You know? I answer the phone at 2 o'clock in the morning and I answer it at 2 o' clock in the afternoon. I mean, I don't care what time it is. You know I wasn't brought up that way in sobriety. I'm not sponsored that way. And it scares me that we're getting that way and I had a girl that I sponsored probably four years. You know she come out of jail. She got her kids back. You know. She got enrolled in college and then she got too busy for AA and she's drinking. You know, and I want to make sure I keep my butt in that front row seat. Because I don't want that. I don' t want to go back to the life I had or didn' t have before I come to y'all. I mean, I was on the streets of New Orleans selling myself. I mean I'd done anything I had to do to get that next drink. And you know, that's not living for me. You know what brought me to Alcoholics Anonymous was a threat of going to prison. And I'd gotten busted is what happened. And I got busted before that was fashionable. and I was looking at doing some serious prison time. And what I got busted with was the stuff that I took when I drank all night and couldn't stay up to go to work. So I had some things to help me stay up and go to worked when I drink all night. And then when I took those things, I had to have something to help come down to where I could sleep. But I was still drinking. I mean, if I walked out the door with money in my pocket, I'd go to the liquor store. And then when I started taking that drink like Herb described yesterday, you know, I was out of control then and wherever I wound up was where I wound up. And I always wound up with people that were doing what I was doing or not doing what i was doing. And I got busted with that and, you know i'm in jail and uh i get i get out of jail finally because i you know I had a deputy call him call him in case she was home and so and he come down and signed my bond and got me out of jail. and then I had this friend of mine that we used to drink and party together and he come knocking on my door and we'd kind of been staying away from him cause he come back from somewhere talking in half sentences you know he wasn't drinking one day at a time and you know he was just let go and let God just a lot of crap that none of us understood you know and there he is and he said you know I know how you can keep your job I said sign me up and he signed me up for treatment and I didn't you know I wasn't I didn' t know what treatment was I just, you know, I'm like a little schoolgirl. I got my bag packed and my pants are ironed and I'm going off to treatment. I didn't know you could go drunk. I didn'T know you COULD GO HIGH. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULDA GO ANYWAY. BUT HERE I AM AND THIS AA MAN AND THIS ALANON LADY CARRIED ME TO TREATMENT. AND ON THE WAY DOWN THERE THEY GOT TO EXPLAINING TO ME SOME OF THIS STUFF. AND I THINK I'D OVERREACTED. THE AA MAN WENT OFF AND WAS DOING WHATEVER HE WAS DOIN'. and the Al-Anon lady stood beside me, and I'm ever grateful she did because I was scared. And she walked me across the hall, I mean down a hall kind of like as long as this room, and you know, the doors were kind of like these are, they had a window in them, and she got me to the door and she shoved me through and just pulled the door too. And I'm not one of these pretty criers. I blow snot everywhere, my face turns red. I mean, I look bad, and I am crying, and I'm scared and I've shaken. And I got my face plastered up against that window because I know if this woman looks back, she'll come get me and realize we've made a mistake. And you know, that woman walked all the way down that hall and never did look back. And I hated Al-Anon because of that. That's what I knew about Al-A-Non. And I go in this treatment center and what I heard maybe my first couple of days there was, you don't ever have to feel the way you feel inside ever again. Unless you choose to. You know, and I'd heard that before. I mean, I'd been, you can kind of tell from my accent, I was brought up and raised in Georgia, so I'd be in those Southern Baptist churches and I've been sprinkled and I'm been dipped and I been dunked and it never worked for me and I didn't know what I was doing wrong because I wanted to be different than I was inside but I didn' t know how to get there. And she told me that I didn''t have to feel that way unless I chose to. You rock. Thank you. Oh, perfect. And she said, all you've got to do is do what we ask you to do. And I started to do that. I can do anything for 30 days, 60 days, 90 days until I get my job back. And that was my plan. But once I started doing what they asked me to do, a change started taking place inside of me and I didn't even know it was changing. I didn'T even know that I was changing and I thought that was pretty cool. I stayed in that treatment center until they decided they would let me out. And then they didn't. I was so sick they didn'T want to let me go home yet. They wanted me to go to a halfway house, which was fine. Except the halfway house they wanted to put me in had all women in it. Now that's, I had a problem with that. Now I was brought up with three brothers. I've always lived around a big pack of boys. I mean you can't chase me nowhere with a bug. I mean I can bait and cut my own bait. I know how to clean a squirrel and clean a fish and all that kind of stuff. I mean, I can make a Coca-Cola can dance with a pistol. and um you know but but women and all that foo-foo girl stuff you know for a long time I just thought that girl part in my brain just wasn't developed you know because I didn't know how to do the makeup I didn'T know how TO DO THE CLOTHES I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO DO ALL THAT BADDY EYELASH CRAP and uh you know and I I DIDNT KNOW HOWTO DO ALL OF THAT YOU KNOW IT SEEMED LIKE I COME OUT OF THE SHOE 6 FOOT TALL AND ALL THE GUYS LIKE THOSE SHORT PRETTY GIRLS WITH BOOBS AND I DIDND'T HAVE I wasn't short. I wasn'T pretty, and I certainly didn'T have any boobs. You know, I tried to make some sometime, but then when I'd go down the hall in class at school, the tissue would fall out, and it would be a trail, and that was always embarrassing. And, you know,I mean, I didn'T get any weight on me until I started drinking, and then it was an imaginary weight. I mean, my perception of myself changed. So here I got to go stay with these women, and Iím scared. And there's rules in this halfway house. They want us to travel in groups. They want me to wear clothes I don't even own. Hadn't had in a long time. And a lot of that stuff just got in the way. I'd get to drinking and we'd get in the back seat and then something would get hung up under the seat and you couldn't get it out so you'd just say to hell with it and just leave it and then she'd find it and then he couldn't come play no more so I'd just quit wearing all that stuff. Or you'd get tangled up trying to get one leg and one hole in your panties And, you know, then you'd fall and then I'd get tickled and couldn't get up. It just got to be too big a hassle. So I just quit messing with all of it. And now I've got to mess with all OFIT. They want me to start wearing it again. I'm going, oh, jeepers. So, you Know, and I don't ever want to forget. I don' t ever want To forget that when I don'T know what to do or don't know how to do, if I can ask you, you'll tell me. And that's me doing that ego deflation at depth. And I had to let these ladies know that I didn't know what size bra and panties I wore. And you know what they did? They shoved me in a dressing room, and they brought me underwear. And they helped me figure out my size. And they help me with all that stuff. And I don't ever, you know, when I'm up here in front of y'all and I look halfway decent, I don'T ever want to remember where I, forget where I come from. I mean, I didn't even blow dry my hair until I was five years sober. You know, and I had a hairdresser show me how to do that. You know this Al-Anon lady, she showed me how match up my clothes. You know she showed what women did in the daytime because I didnít know. You know, in the little area where I got sober, there wasn't a lot of women staying sober. And this woman took me under her arm and they double teamed me and I am forever grateful for the program, you know, cause they, they got sick together and they got sober together and they worked with people together. It was like a team effort, you Know, and it wasn't them against us. You know? Like I see a lot Of times I just hate it. I hate the Al-Anon jokes. I hate when I go to conferences in the golf tournaments when the Al Anon speaker is, because I'm going to tell you some of the most powerful speakers I have ever heard have been in the Al-Anon program, the women and men too. And I just think it's sad. I think it'S sad. And because of my experience, I don't know where I'd be without that woman. I don'T know whereI'D be. And I'M in this halfway house, and I'M doing what they'RE asking me to do, and I'm starting to change. I had a man on the side. He was married. He had money and at this phase of my development, I needed money because I'm fixing to go to prison and I need a lawyer and all that kind of stuff. And the counselor told me, Sandy, as long as you keep selling yourself, you won't be able to stay sober. And how are you going to trust in a God when you're always trusting in man? You know, in all my life, I just knew that if I had the right man, I would be all right, you know, and I had to make a decision. And I'm going to tell you, it's funny. At each phase of my development, there is a new hardest decision I have ever had to make, you know, and that was one. You know, I wrote Money Man a letter, and I told him, you know,"Don't send me any more money. Just leave me alone." And I sent him the $100 bill back that he sent me, you know? And it was amazing to me how when I'm down to my last pack of cigarettes, my unemployment check would come or I would get money out of somewhere that I didn't even know it was coming. You know, and that developed my faith in something. I didnít know what. I had a problem with God, so yíall told me that I could believe in the AA group. And thatís where that started. And then from the AA Group, my higher power was a sponsor. And through the process of the steps, I come to know a being that takes care of me. From the workshop yesterday, I understand that I still got a lot of fear left and a lot of not complete faith, you know? And I think that's our journey here. You know, it's in the seeking. And I do the halfway house and then I come home and me, the Al-Anon, you know, we're in this little small community and whoever's got the biggest car drives and we have the meeting going, we have the meeting there and we had the meeting coming home. And when we get home, we put on the pot of coffee and we talk about God and take your inventory or whatever, And then we would go to bed about 2 o'clock in the morning and get up and start it all over again. I mean, we were like a little pack of ducks. When you saw one, you saw all of us. I mean that's just how we did. And if an alcoholic called, everything stopped and we all went. There wasn't any question. We turned off the stove. We turned on the TV. Whatever we were doing and we got in the car. And when I got out of treatment, I was an alcoholic and an addict. And there was this old fart in the meetings. And he'd scream about his hemorrhoids every time I did that. And I didn't understand it. I go, oh, my name's Sandy and I'm an alcoholic and an addict. He said, yeah, and I've got hemorrhoids too. I'm going, what has that got to do with anything? You know? He said that's right. I'm glad. And they had warned me about him because he was one of these old big book thumpers. And, you know, I mean, just we had several names for him and they wasn't nice. And,you know, and he was the one that taught me how to pray. I prayed every week that he would die in a car wreck. Because I hated him. because he was always stirring up trouble. He was always, you know, when I started a sentence, I think, oh my God, he just nailed me to the floor, you know? And if it wasn't in the book, you know, he was the one who got me in that book because I tried to prove him wrong, you know? And I mean, I'd pray for him for coming to the meetings and I'd cuss him all the way home. And he taught me about principles before personalities. That old geezer was not going to run me out of my chair. You know, y'all told me and I've come to know inside my heart that I earned my seat here. And he kept screaming about them stupid hemorrhoids, and finally I asked somebody, why does he do that to me? And they said, Sandy, come here and let me tell you. As long as you say you're an alcoholic and an addict, you're saying that you're different from us. I mean, and that's fine, but if you're a different from us, what we're doing may not work for you. Why don't you get in Bill's story and see if you can identify him with how he felt. Not his job, not him being married, but how he felt because that is part of my disease. I'm disconnected. All my life I've felt different. So I got Bill's story and I started reading and I could identify with him thinking he had arrived at a certain point in his life. When I got this job that I'm fixing to lose and go to prison over, I knew that I had arrived because now I'd have enough money and I would be all right. I remember people talking about my drinking and then when they started talking about my drinking, I didn't hang out with them anymore. You know, I remember waking up with just such guilt and shame and remorse that I'd want to kill myself and not know how and I have the guts to and Bill talks about that. And I remember getting drunk and waking up and trying to settle those shakes down with whatever kind of pill I had in the house, you know, and he talks about that. Bill does in his story. And then he talks About the loneliness and despair. And I knew I, you know, I could relate to all of that. And it wasn't about how much he drank. It was about how he felt, you Know, and every time I take a drink, it, you know, it settled that restless, irritable and discontentness that I had. I mean, I come out of the chute with it. And so I get in there and identify myself and I am an alcoholic because that's the way I felt. I mean, I just don't react like most people do to anything today. And so I go back to the meeting and now y'all made me an alcoholic and I'm an alcoholic and I chairing the meeting and my name is Sandy and I am an alcoholic and I listen and I don't hear nothing about no hemorrhoids. I reckon I got the power to cure them. I don t know. you know in in my in idaho um in my old home group we we had a lot of people coming in from different you know adolescent centers treatment centers all that kind of stuff and and they were they do just like i was doing they're doing what they're told to do you know and instead of fussing about it and going over and just getting mad and you know getting amongst ourselves i made it my business, because I am responsible, to go over and talk to some of those people. You know, and ask them, have you ever drank? Oh yeah, but my drug of choice. I said, yeah, yeah. We know you're cool. And we do. I, I said but I need your help. You need my help? Yeah. You know when, you know what you are. You're an alcoholic and an addict. I know what I am. I'm an alcoholic. But what about the people coming in that don't know? That's where I need your help. If we can keep this, if you can respect where you are for that new person coming in the door, you, I mean, you can help us out a lot. Well, Sandy, I've only got like two weeks. Are you sure I can do that? Oh yeah, I can Do that. You know, if I make, if I, if approach some of these people in that kind of way, you know what they become an alcoholic like I did and they're helping the newcomer coming in and maybe instead of bitching about it, I'm trying to watch my mouth, but sometimes it just comes out. But instead of fussing about it or taking their inventory, you know, become part of the solution instead of the problem. And I did not come up with that on my own. That is sponsored direction for me and I'm grateful for that, you knows, because somebody took the time from me. That old guy, he didn't pull me over to the side, but, you know, he took the time. He got my attention. He loved me enough. You know, and if I love these people enough, you know, who knows? I don't know. But you know what? If I'm taking that action, I feel better than I do if I'm just in the back of the room fussing. And, um, and I'm grateful for that sponsor direction. I become an alcoholic and we go to these meetings and me and this one guy, we start, you Know, blinking and winking at each other. And you know I'm not understanding how come he ain't want to touch nothing that ain't he is. So I'm in the, me and the Al-Anon lady were in the garden and she was a gardener and I'm slinging dirt and I'M cussing cause he's not wanting to do anything with me other than do those AA dates. And I'm not much for AA dates because they, he picked me up, carried me to the meeting and then we went to dinner afterwards and then he carried me home and then he left. I didn't see a point of an AA date. I, you know, I just didn't get it. So I'm in the garden fussing this Al-Anon lady about it. And she said, well, honey, maybe he's trying to show you some respect. I said, respect? I said isn't that what it is when they're with you one night and then they come back the next day? That's what I knew about respect. And you know what? That Al-Anon lady taught me different. You know, me and this guy got married. And, you know, we were the AA couple. We had done step work. We would work with anybody that would call. we'd go anywhere and we got married and walked off in the sunset and burned up you know our marriage lasted about five years and you know I have seen those five year cycles and I have experienced those five year cycles and everybody thinks you're going crazy while you're in them but I'm glad there's some people with some time that has explained it to me because I'm about five years sober and I can't do another day what I've been doing up to this point And I don't have enough courage to say, you know what? I'm miserable here. I want to get out. So I go to a conference and I sleep with somebody and I get out that way. You know, I'm still like Tarzan going through the trees. I don' t let go of a vine unless I've got a firm grip on another one. And it was ugly. It was an ugly separation. Yeah. Five years sober, I' m doing that. But, you know, I'm not proud of that action. But what I do know is that it taught me a lot about everybody in the group. Because we were the AA couple and I'm five years sober and now I'm the whore in the meetings and nobody's talking to me and they're hating me and taking his side. And, you Know, I am ever grateful for the program of Narcotics Anonymous because that's where I went. Nobody knew me. Nobody cared who I was, and they just let me sit in the meetings and thank God for it. I didn't, you know, I just did what I had to do. I'm not saying that was right. You know, it wasn't, but it was what I could do at that time. And today when I see people going through divorces in their rooms, I don't take sides. I've been there, and it hurts too much. What I do say is, you can talk about you. You ain't talking about him. and I tell him, you can talk about you, but you can't talk about her. And I don't listen to that crap. You know, because my ex-husband, he worked with a lot of people. And if I was in the meetings bad mouthing him, I was making them change two sides, you know? And I, and I don' t know about y'all, but this isn't a place I visit on Sunday because I'm bored. You now, my life depends on me being able to come here and sit here and be here in these meetings. And, um, and I wasn't at that place. I was a district secretary at the time, and I'm at the district meeting, and in he come. I'm going, oh, crap. You know, because, I mean, we had been pretty much avoiding the meeting. You know? I wouldn't go to that meeting because he was there, and he wouldn't get to that meet-in because I was there. And here he come in the district meet, and now I'm gone. Oh, man. You know. And a hush fell over the room. They were waiting for the fight to break out. And under sponsored direction, you know, we had already talked about what would happen when I saw him, and I got up and I marched my butt across that room and I stuck my hand out and I said, I'm glad you're here. I did not say I was glad to see him there because I wasn't. But I was happy to see you. I was so glad he was there because again, this is not a thing I do on Sunday and it wasn't a thing that he does on Sunday. Our life depends on us being able to come here and sit in these rooms. You know what? And after I did that, the chatter started up and it just wasn't big deal after that. And I walked out of that meeting free. You know, I could go to any meeting I wanted to and I wasn't scared that he would be there. You know, I just kind of like, you know, those are men's, they free us, you know, and we done some talking about the part I played and my part was I was not honest with him. That's my part. And I told him about that. And about this time, you know, down south if you're a woman and you don't have kids, they'll ask you what's wrong with you. Well, and for whatever reason, I didn't have kids and so I found me a man that had a couple. Lack of kids is not my dilemma. I was married to that man for a couple of years and, you know, and I realized that I don't know what my part in life is, period. I'd done the kid's part, I'd have done his part, I'd done my part. I'd run everybody's part and almost died, you know. I just had no – almost died. You know, I made one meeting a week. I tried to be the PTA mom, you Know. And when we got married, his previous wife had left him for another woman, and he hated her because of it. And every – give him five minutes, he'd tell you about it. And whether the kids were there or not, he didn't care. and, you know, because of what y'all taught me here and because of my experience and what I've been through, I said, you're talking about their mama and you're making them choose. I said you can talk any way you want to about her to me but don't do it in front of the kids. She was the same way and I gave her that same little spiel and that's what y´all had taught me and that´s what I experienced and you know what? They both started getting along a little bit better because of the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and the kids didn't have to choose and it was okay that they talk about their dad in front of their mom and it's okay for them to talk about their mom in front their dad without getting the all the anger and you know all that crap that comes behind all that that's what y'all told me when the son graduated even though you know the marriage didn't last or anything because the principles of Alcoholics Anonymous and a place where I was in my heart I didn't have to swing out of that relationship on another vine and I'm forever grateful you know I my change has been slow My attitudes and all that, it's just been real slow, especially around that man thing. And what I realized is that I just put man in God's spot every time and have most of my life. So when Travis graduated, there was me and my new husband. There was Travis' dad and his new wife. There was Davis' mom and her girlfriend. And all the grandparents were on the field for that child. You know, we were there to support him. And it wasn't about us, and we wasn't fighting. And we were all getting along, and we were all so grateful that he graduated. You know? It was one of those kind things. And we just had a ball. That's what y'all have taught me. About this time, the old guy that I cured sponsored me a long time. Because like I said, there wasn't women that I would work with. And, I mean, there were some in there. I don't know. You know, I just had a hard time with the women. And the Al-Anon lady was feeling like that, that one spot in my life. And then this old guy, you know, he was a big book thumber and he loved an alcoholic and he, he knew the deal and he just knew the deal. And I asked him to sponsor me and he never claimed that he sponsored me, but, um, but he did. And, you know, when I got rough and gruff like him, and if you didn't want to do the big book, I'd just hit you in the head with it. And you know all that kind of stuff. And And I was a little, I wasn't coming to my own in that. I was trying to be exactly like him except female version. And I knew that there comes a time when that don't work. It's another one of those five-year cycles. And I start looking for a woman sponsor and because of behavior, I don't know, because of the nine o'clock rule, I'm not going to do it. I don'T KNOW. You know, a lot of women that I asked told me no. No, I DON'T sponsor long distance. No, Sandy, I Don'T want to sponsor you. I'm going, you know. And I would always pray. I'd say, okay, God. You know. You know what I need. You know, it's up to you. You know? And I, I would go to the meeting and somebody would say, here, call her. So I'd go home and I'd call her because I go to AA to pick up my messages from God. I mean, I can't, I don't, I don' t hear them in my bedroom when I'm by myself. You know ? I've had a couple of good ideas from God and they were, you know, God gave them directly to me. And that's when I swung out on that other vine, you know, and I'm no, I always run those kinds of thoughts by my sponsor. And, and, um, you know, I keep calling these women and they keep telling me no. And I'm, you know, i'm going, oh my gosh, I guess, you know, I keep praying. I keep making those phone calls. I get, keep getting told no. And finally I get a tape in the mail and the tape on, on this tape, the lady says our first and last name from the podium. And Dr. Bob in The Good Old Time was Dr. Bob, you know, there's a reference in there about that. You know, that if I'm not saying my last name in the meeting, I'm breaking that tradition just like they are if they're out there in front of the films. You Know, because Sandy H is not in the phone book. I mean, think about it. How many times have you wanted to send flowers to a member of your home group and not know their last name? How many time have you seen somebody come in the meeting, see Jane. And then all of a sudden she's not there. You don't know whether she's dead or not because you don't Know her last name. I mean, that has been my experience. And this lady said her first and last name from the podium. And, and I am so grateful. And she said on that tape, among a lot of other things, she said she was in a place where she had to get in AA or get out. And I knew I was there because nobody was telling me, no, I didn't know what to do. I didn'T have any direction. I was lost. And um, I called the taper and he gave me her phone number and it took us a couple of days to hook up and I asked this lady if she would sponsor me and this lady said yeah honey um let's do a little talking how many meetings are you going to a week I said well I'm going to one oh that's going to change but I couldn't tell her that I can't go to those meetings where those people took his side in that divorce and you know because I'd been in there and cussed them all out and you know I hadn't been back and you know I didn't want to tell her that and I could she said that'll change and I said okay you know. I said yes ma'am to her. She said we're going to set up a call time convenient to me. I'm thinking in my head I have just asked you to be my sponsor. You should be available to me 24-7. What do you mean convenient to you? But out loud to her I said, yes ma'm. She said you're going wear a dress to your home group meeting. I say a dress? i mean you're supposed to be comfortable in aa i mean sweatpants tank top shorts cut up to here down there whatever and she said honey this ain't for you this is for the newcomer if you're dressed like the newcomers what have they got to what have THEY GOT TO GROW TOWARD what kind of attraction is that out loud to her i said yes ma'am she said we're gonna go through the big book i'm thinking to myself i ain't been in big book meetings ever since i've been sober i am a big book thumper in my area. What do you mean go through this big book? Out loud to her, I said, yes ma'am. She said, we're going to go through the traditions. I said well I could use that. You know because I had, we didn't have tradition meetings you know. I mean the only time I ever looked at them was when I was trying to look for ammunition for a fight or a side I was taking you know, trying to prove my point. And then she mentioned the concepts. I'm thinking well those are for the lawyers in AA in New York. I do not need the concepts but out loud to her. I said, yes, ma'am. And you know, we started that path and I, we set aside a time that was convenient to her. And I have, I had been in the middle of a highway and pulled off and hunted a pay phone. And this is back before cell phones. And, um, that sounds old. I am old, but, um. God, that was weird. Um, but I have put off side of the road to make that call. And she took me through those steps and this lady sponsored me a year and a half before she ever laid eyes on me. And it wasn't because that has been my path. I didn't have the luxury of good, solid women's sobriety sitting in my meetings every week. I didn't had that option. And she took me on and I was honest with her and I did what she asked me to do. And we started doing that dress thing. And as a result of that dress thing, my job started asking me to travel. And because of that dress thing I had clothes to wear. And about that time I got started to being asked to speak and I had closed to wear for the weekend because my sponsor is very insistent about how I appear before y'all. I'm not allowed to wear jeans. You know, I always dress, you know, if I'm behind the podium, I am in a dress showing respect for Alcoholics Anonymous because Alcoholics because anonymous has gave me a life like I've never known, you know. And it's, I mean, you have asked me to come here. You don't want me, I need to look respectable and to show my gratitude. That's the reason I do that. But as a result of that, I started having all the clothes that I needed to do all this. You know, and who would have thought when I fought those dresses so hard? I mean I'd go to the Goodwill and buy them. I mean, it was because I didn't have any money. And, you know, I did not go to prison. I took first offenders probation. The probation officer saw me get sober, get married, build a house, get divorced, all that kind of stuff. And, and, you Know, because of what y'all had done with me, he sent people, he said, He sent girls to me that had problems, you know, and I think that's a testimony down colleagues anonymous. And, um, and this lady started sponsoring me and I changed. And up to this point, I hadn't had any luck with sponsoring women. You know, because, I mean, I was so rough and gruff. And, you know, in come this woman. I mean she was straight out of it. Well, she found out that she was a genius in the nut ward. Okay? And here she come to me. I'm going, I don't want to do this. I don' t want to d o this. This is one sick heifer. I don''t want to D O this. And I talked to my sponsor about it. And she said, you need to do that. She's going to teach you a lot. And she did. You know, she started doing what I was doing and she changed. I mean, and to witness that miracle from somebody. I mean this lady used to get so mad. She would go outside and just hit trees and her knuckles were just bloody because she had so much anger she didn't know what to do with it. We went from trees to pillows, you know, and her hands started to heal. You know and that's some of the stuff that y'all taught me. And we done an inventory. We talked to her doctors, me, her and her doctors. and we got her off a lot of that medicine she was on, you know, tried it, you know, under a doctor's care. And she changed. And because she changed, a lot of people thought I had something to do with it. Now, we know it's a program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I went from sponsoring nobody to sponsoring like seven girls all at the time. You know, when I hear people say, I only sponsor two women. Nope, can't do it. And me and Kip were talking about it yesterday. You know, where's my step three in that? God brings me who I need, whether it's 20. My sponsor sponsors probably like 30 women. You know she's always got, her life is totally under the correct direction of God. And from her doing that, I've learned how to do that. You know and it's always funny when I get that one more that I can't handle, one leaves. And when I gets that one that I don't know how I'm going to maneuver all this time, God opens up my schedule. You know, it is amazing to me how things work out when I just say yes. You know? And again, it was reiterated with Herb and with Kip, you know, about that. Because some... You know in Albuquerque they got this stupid 9 o'clock rule and I'm going, what? I don't get it. I don'T get it I had so many people tell me no, there's no way in hell I'm gonna tell a woman no. Because my life absolutely depended on Debbie telling me yes and she did. You know and I donT know how close I'm Gonna be to somebody like that. You know, you see the desperation in their eyes. You know I don't, I get the sick women. I get to sick women like me. Working with a newcomer, the last little girl I sponsored in Idaho. You know she'd come into the women's meeting and she would drunk. She would come by with her mom. And she would be reeling. I'd say, come sit by me. Oh I've been drinking. It's okay, come seat by me as long as you don't get up on the table or something we're good. Really? Yeah. You know, and she would just wobble. And her mama was over there, you know. But she never got up on the table, never said anything. I mean, years this happened, like three or four years. And she got up in the meeting one night. She was drunk. She said, I don't get it. Why do you even talk to me? What do you want from me? I'm thinking to myself, honey, I want nothing you got. You know. But I told her, you now, I took her out of the meeting and I took her and we sat down. I said, Jennifer, I said by doing this I get to stay sober. It ain't about you. It's about me trying to pass on what was so freely given to me. And I tell you what, I am glad I'm not where you are. And she said, You're always so nice to me because I know how you feel. I said, Andy, you can't know how I feel. Look at you. You look like a schoolteacher. You know, and I started sharing with her. And because of some of the experiences I had that I don't carry that crap around anymore because of a four-step and a fifth step and amends, I was able to share with her about some abuse. And she couldn't believe that I would talk to her about that. And when I left Idaho, she had six months of continuous sobriety. You know, and it ain't got nothing to do with me. You know? She just couldn't be with me anymore. She couldn't even believe the love and compassion of Alcoholics Anonymous. She come to our house one night for dinner and she said, Y'all have dinner every night? I go, yeah. You set the table like this every night? Yeah. What do you do after dinner? I said, we wash the dishes. Really? And I remember asking that Al-Anon lady those very same questions. I mean, almost to the word. I could not believe that that Al Anon lady and an AA man would go to a meeting and no sex involved. Totally beyond my comprehension when I got here. And when she left, me and Wendell just, you know, we just held each other's hand and we just cried. Because she is safe in our house. My husband is not, my husband is the safest man that some of these women have ever met. You know? And that's what y'all have done with him. He taught one girl that I sponsored how to grocery shop and how to cook. She didn't know. She stayed with us about a year. We showed her structured housing and, you Know, get up and go to work and you clean up your room and all that. you know, all that basic stuff. And now, you know she's married, she's got a baby and she's a wonderful cook I mean, she didn't even know anything but macaroni and cheese You know, and that's what we do, we get involved in our lives I mean I don't sponsor at meetings I sponsor outside of the meetings I don' t talk to the people I sponsor in my meetings They're talking to newcomers right there beside me We talk after the meeting or at coffee or at my house unless they've got something going on but you know what I'm saying if I'm sponsoring you and you want to talk to me at the meeting call me come by the house after the meeting we'll talk go work with that newcomer and they don't like that sometimes and I don't keep a lot of people but I'm from that old school about this time I get divorced from the guy with the kid and I meet a guy through a nosy neighbor and he's going through a divorce I'm going through an divorce and we need each other. So I said, okay, he can come down the house, but if he's goofy or anything, I mean, he's out of here. And we have a cup of coffee and, you know, we start... I like him. He's nice. He's a nice guy that I would always run from. The nice guy that I never deserved because of past actions. The nice guys that had a job and went to work every day. The nice guide that had car and didn't need mine. The nice God actually owned his own home. You know? He didn't eat anything I had, and I couldn't believe it. You know, and we hit it off, and about this time, I know that if something don't change in me, there's going to be another string of dead bodies, and I don't want that. So I tell him, I said, I need to do some work on me. Don't know how long it's going take. Don't wait. I don' t know. And I do an inventory like I've never done before on my relationships. And what I find out about me is nothing spectacular. I'm a kicking, screaming two-year-old. I want everything my way, and I want it now, and I don''t want to share with nobody. And you cannot have a nice relationship based on those principles. It don't work. And I found that out, and I asked God to take me to someplace different because I didn't want to be how I was. I wanted to be different. I liked this guy, and I just didn't wanna be that same person anymore. You know, and I didn' t know that that was gonna happen to me. You know I used to ask Bob, How long am I gonna keep doing this? He said, You can't do it not one more time. I wanted him to tell me Tuesday at 9.03 a.m., you know, it didn't come across like that. You know, just like with our drinking, we do it until we can't do it no more. And then I'm willing to change because the pain of doing it is greater than the pain of changing it. I didn't know that. So I wake up one morning and I know that I know and on that same day this guy called. Isn't that funny how that timing is? He called and he said, I need to talk to you. And I said, I need you to talk with me. I need me to talk to you too. And we've been together since. He asked me to marry him. I said you know what? I'll marry you one day at a time. He looked at me like I'd slapped him. One day at the time I said Wendell I've been married forever three times I'm not doing it again. One day at a Time I can be a kind loving wife. One day at atime I can be a faithful wife. Not forever but today. One day at a time I can think about your needs and not mine. One day I can do that. And we have been married one day at a time for 14 years. And I would have never thought that would have happened about this time. Um, he loses his job now. I'm real spiritual when I got money, but he loses his job in the toy start going. I mean, we got, you know, he's got a little sports car out in the garage. We're making payments on it and can't pay for it no more. Sponsor said, go to the meeting and tell them. I said, I ain't telling them that. She said, go to the meeting and tell him your pride and your ego is so big wrapped around this. So I'd go to The Meeting and I'd tell them. Wendell lost his job. We can't pay for the car. They've got to come get it. So we filled it. We washed it.We filled it up with gas and we gave them the keys. We wasn't hiding in the back door or had it stashed somewhere up on a mountain somewhere where they couldn't find it. I mean, I've done that. But that wasn't the way this was handled, you know, and they sold it for what we owed on. I mean, they sold it and then took whatever they got, put that toward what we own on it and send us a bill for the rest. And I didn't have to get drunk behind that. I didn'T have to, it wasn't shameful that Wendell lost his job. You know, that's, that sober dignity and grace walking through life experiences. You Know, my sponsor helped me line up my clothes where it looked like I was wearing something new every day. She taught me how to add a different belt or a jacket with something different to make it look different to where I could satisfy my selfishness and self-centeredness. Wendell gets offered a job. He comes in one day, and his arms all burn up from working, and we're having a hard time making ends meet. He said, Will you do my resume? I said, Sure. He said、Will you put it on one of those Internet things? I said、Sure. Put it on Monster.com, and a company in Idaho picked him up. the next day, picked up his resume. And he said, well, we're going to Idaho. I said, where's that? Iowa, Idaho, where are we going? You know, he had to get me a map and show me. And so we wound up going to Ottawa. And I was real scared because I was 15 years sober at this point and I'd heard all the tales about people moving and it'd be different when they got there and you know, they'd get all mad and then get drunk. And my sponsor walked me through that. She said, you go in that room and You be a newcomer. And don't tell them how long you're sober. They don't care, and they don't matter. They don' t care how you did it in Georgia. Find out how they're doing it there because it's working. And that's what I did. And now those people knew how long I was sober. I mean, from what I told, I look pretty young for my age. I'm 51, and I've been sober a long time. And we were in this meeting. It was like a community meeting, a bunch of groups, and they did a sobriety countdown. down. I'm in the kitchen washing cups with two of the girls that I sponsor. And when they get to my time, there's only one other person in that room with more time than me. And they all, they just could not believe it. All the mouths fell open. They couldn't believe that I was sober as long as I was. You know, and after that, the attitude around, around me and toward me changed. And I think it was because of the girl I was working with. They saw that I wasn't, you know, that I was kind and loving and would work with anybody. I didn't care who it was. Didn't care where they lived, didn't care whether they had a job or not. You know, I give the girls I sponsor money. I'd rather them get it from me than have to screw some guy for it. You know, and I am in a position where I can do that. Not $100 or $1,000. I'm talking about a carton of cigarettes. I's talking about a tank full of gas. You know, because I've done that. I've laid down with men for that. You know, if I can give it to them instead of them having to do that, you darn tootin' I will. If I can get them a safe place to lay their head instead of them having to go back in that abusive relationship you you darn tootin they can live with me you know because that is what y'all have shown me how to do i don't have a house god gave me god let me borrow this house to do his work you know and whoever's there is god's business not mine you knowand and that's just the way i do it i mean i don'T KNOW IF IT'S RIGHT OR WRONG BUT IT WORKS FOR ME AND IT'S THE WAY IT WAS DONE FOR MEAND I AM SO GRATEFUL WE GET OUT THERE AND AND IN IDAHO AND MY MOM GETS SICK AND I GOT THREE BROTHERS AND THEY ALL GOT BUSY LIVES AND I ASKED mama, why don't you come stay with us? Oh, I don't know about that. My mama kicked me out when I was 14 because of my drinking and my hill raising. And I hadn't been under her roof since, but because of this program, I called her every week and she heard me happy because that's what she asked me when I made my miss her. She said, all I ever wanted for you to was to be happy. So I never called her when I Was having a bad day. I always called her. Everything was good. I'm working, you know, that kind of thing. She didn't have to worry about me anymore. And i said, why don't you come out here? She said, oh, I don't know about that because we hadn't lived together in a long time. I said, come out of here for a week and if you don't like it, we'll take you right back home. She packed one bag and come to Idaho and she never did leave Idaho. She stayed with us two and a half years and I had the absolute honor and privilege of being a kind living daughter to her. You know, she, she shopped in the dollar stores when she raised us. She raised four of us by herself. And you know, the fact that I could go to JCPenney and buy her a tall sweatsuit just amazed her because it was long enough to fit her. You know, and I did that for her. My husband doted on her. She loved him more than she did me anyway. You know, she always done these birthday cards and she would send all us kids our five dollars, right? For our birthday. And she would tell me to share my five dollars with my husband when she sent me my birthday card. Now, when she sent him his birthday card, he didn't have to split it with me. It made me mad and then it got to be a joke. And that's the kind of relationship we had. But she'd come out to Idaho and my husband cooked for her and we doted on her and took her where she needed to go. She was on oxygen all the time. And we just made her have a safe, comfortable place to stay to where she didn't need to worry about anything. You know, she just didn't have to worry. About this time, my husband had a stroke. Now, my husband is five years older than me and we're sitting in the emergency room and he can't talk and all that kind of stuff. And then the doctors come in and he's got a bleeding vessel in his head. And they're either going to do brain surgery on him or we're going to take him home. And I'm going to tell you, I've never been so scared in all my life. And y'all were there for me. Y'all weren't there for me. And you know what? I mean, for whatever reason, the bleeding stopped and we didn't have to go. We were able to take him home. My mother taught him how to read again. I mean, all the first grade readers and all that kind of stuff because Wendell lost all of that. He lost all of that, he didn't any of that and Wendel, I'd come home from work and mama would be one of her teaching days and well he had therapy three times a week and then Mama would do him the other two days. And he'd come in shaking his head. He said, I'm worried out. I'm going to bed. He said I'm grateful therapy is tomorrow. My mama was harder on him than the therapist was. But that's what we did. And y'all brought a meeting into our home. And my mother was able to sit in there. And she felt the love that y'All have for us. And the love of the fellowship. After that meeting that night, she said, Sandy, I've been in a lot of churches. And I've never felt anything like that. When she died, I was working. I was workin' out of town, and, you know, there was an AA doctor in her room. I got, they kept her on all the support and stuff for me to get home, and going, the paramedics were carryin' her down the steps, and she looked over at him, and she said, You know, this is my son-in-law, and he takes really good care of me. And that's the last thing she said. You know, when I got into the hospital and there's an AA doctor attending to her. There's an EA nurse right there. And there's me and Wendell. And we unplugged the machines and we sit there and we said the Lord's Prayer. And y'all were there. You know? And it wasn't the time to say, Mama, I wished I had a. I wished i coulda. And I wished shoulda. I was able to sit there here and just hold her hand and let her go. And I was at peace like Kip was talking about. I mean, it was a bad time. But it was, you know, it was, I mean, I was at peace with that. My brothers come in for the funeral and y'all were there. We had more food in the house than you could stack up. And they couldn't believe it. Sandy, you only been here how long? And you know all these people, you know? And then my brothers got to come to my home group on a Sunday night before they flew out on Monday morning. And y'ALL touched them just like you did my mom. Now my oldest brother He's a southern boy, redneck, country, prejudice, whatever. And he's anti-church. I mean, he's multi-everything. But y'all got him. Y'all dot him. And he don't know what hit him. You know, and since that meeting, he has been calling me. You know? And he never called me. If I wanted to talk to him, I always called him. But here lately, that's changed. And it's because y'all got him. I don't know what y'ALL did to him, but I'm grateful, you know? After my husband's stroke, you know, work just got to be hard. It just got to be hard. And he had an opportunity to come down to Albuquerque and do some work because they needed some extra hands down here, and he just loved it. He loved the laid-backness of it, everything about it, and he transferred down there. And one more time, I'm selling the house. One more time I'm having to say goodbye to my family one more time. It's just hard to move. One more time, I'm scared. One More Time. I've been in Albuquerque a month. You know, I've been trying to get around the city because it's a big city. I'd been trying to settle in and in meetings you know and just just it's the big city so there's a lot of comings and goings and all that kind of stuff and it's just it's been hard you know when I was talking to my sponsor on Thursday I I said, you know what? I just ain't settled in yet. She said, Sandy, how long have you been there? I said well, a month. She said it might take longer. You know, but I started sending out resumes and all that kind of stuff. And I'd pray every day. Okay God, put me where I can be of maximum service to you. And then I got one call for an interview. And it's not at the pay rate I wanted. So I'm hesitant. And I'm going, and then I realized what I'm doing. I said, okay, I prayed for God to put me where I could be. And I didn't specify how much he was supposed to pay me there, you know. And I took the job, and, you Know, and I've been last, this past week was my first week there. So there's a lot of changes going on. You know, and sold our house in Idaho in two and a half days. The transfer that usually takes months took like a week. I mean, everything has happened so fast that all my AA friends in Idaho says, God's wanting you in Albuquerque bad. You're needed down there. Because they know how I am with the girls I sponsor. They know what kind of program I have. They know that you're going to get some good sick women down there, and I can't wait. I mean that's what I do. That's what my life is. It's Alcoholics Anonymous in action. I appreciate your time this morning. I appreciate you listening. and I really appreciate the committee for asking me to share. Thank you.