Step 5 — Admitted Our Wrongs – Joe C. – 1998 – Session 29

Okay, let's go to page 72. 72, into action. We want to run very briefly now through steps 5, 6, and 7, and then we'll take our break, okay? So we go to page 72, into action. Now, it's not into thinking. It's into action. He said, having made our personal inventory, well, what should we do about it? Well, we've been trying to get a new attitude. Remember, Dr. Yoon said, ideas, emotions, and attitudes were the guiding force of the lives of the people to suddenly cast to one side. We're trying to get a new attitude and a new relationship with our creator. And our book said, back on page 45, that the main object of this book was to enable me to find a power greater than myself, which would solve my problem. And to discover the obstacles in my path. And what are some of the obstacles? The resentment, the fear, and the... The harms done to other people. We've admitted certain defects. And what are these defects? Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightening, and inconsiderate attitudes. We've ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is. We've put the finger on our weak items in our personal inventory. Now, these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part, which, when completed, will mean that we've admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being. The exact nature of our defects. This brings us to the fifth step. This is the fifth step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter. Now, we know that step five says we admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. But if you'll notice here in the narrative, he said the exact nature of our defects. And people used to ask Bill about this. And we've known two ladies that worked with Bill with and for him for years. They both tell us the same thing. People would say, Bill, why did you use... You used the word wrongs in step five. Yet in the narrative here in the book, you used the word defects. And by the way, Bill, what's the difference anyhow between a wrong in five, a defect in six, and a shortcoming in seven? And they both said that Bill would just kind of rear back and smile. And he would say, when I took English and writing courses in college, they taught me not to use the same words over and over again. And he would say, when I took English and writing courses in college, they taught me not to use the same words over and over again. It shows how dumb you are. You know, you know, you know. He said there really are no differences in these things. He said in step four, we find those things that block us off from God. In step five, we're going to talk about them to another human being. In step six, we're going to become willing to turn them loose. In step seven, we're going to ask God to take them away. And he said you can call them anything you want to. A wrong, a fault, a mistake, a defect, a personality flaw, or whatever. And we're going to notice on the next couple of pages, that's exactly what he does with them. I followed it up in the 12 and 12. Thirteen years later, not only does he do it there, but he does it twice as bad as he did in the big book. Using these words interchangeably back and forth, all of them meaning identically the same thing. He said, There's that word again. He did it again right there. With another person. We think we've done well enough at admitting these things to ourselves, so there's doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find that a solitary self-appraisal is insufficient. Many of us thought it necessary to go much further. We would be more reconciled in discussing ourselves with another person when we said good reasons why we should do so. The best reason first. If we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. You know, you take these forms now, and they're very, very vital information that we've done here. A book says that the solitary self-appraisal is insufficient. I did the very best I could do filling out these forms with the limited knowledge that I had and experience. But I did the best I could do. Now I take these to another human being and discuss them from left to right, all the way across. Someone else who's gone on before me, who's done the inventory, according to the big book, and now that person is going to help me to glean more information out of each of these situations that's going to help me. I need that information because a solitary self-appraisal is insufficient. I'll give you an example. Looking around this room today and this weekend, I've noticed two or three character defects. There's a couple of them sitting right over there. One's sitting right here on the front row there. Oh, for sure. Right there. Several of them, a matter of fact. It's real easy for me to look at you and see your defects of character. character there's nothing between you and me except error but it's very very difficult for me to look at me and see the truth and see my defects of character because there's years and a lifetime of rationalization and justification for these attitudes and i need another human being to be able to look at me objectively and to help me see things that i couldn't see because i'm starting out on a brand new lifetime engagement here and i need all the information the help that i can get to have a very successful life and i did the very best i could do in the inventory process but a solitary self-appraisal is insufficient i need god and another human being to help me see things that i couldn't see now to be sure we have no contradictions here over on page 73 on that first paragraph where it says more than most people just the sentence before that said but they had not learned enough of humility fairly carelessness and honesty in the sense we find it necessary until they told someone else all their life story now there's the statement that got us confused about step four and we all began to write our life story thinking that would be step four but as we can see 95 percent of our life story really doesn't have anything to do with our alcoholism in fact i was born in 1929 that really don't have anything to do with it but i tell you what i have done if i've taken my inventory the way the book says i've shared all my life story in those areas that really count resentments didn't come in my head just today they've been popping in my head as far back as i can remember i've shared all my life story resentment wise fears didn't come just today they've been coming in my head as far as i can remember i've shared all my life story fears wise the harms i've done to other people i didn't hurt them just yesterday i've been hurting people as far back as i can remember my mother said to me one time she said charlie you were the meanest kid i ever saw she said i had a little problem loving you myself you know when mama don't love you you're pretty bad off and as i look at these things today my whole life is centered anyhow around those three things those resentments and those fears and those harms i've done to others so i don't have any quarrel with that statement at all anymore if we've done it we've done it we've done it it we've done it here's the fact that he's the real man we need to promise him the truth both human beings and we need to believe that when we do these things we're really good at it which is why we've got to start from where we are in our inventory the way the book says we've shared our life story now here's why we really need to share this with another human being more than most people the alcoholic leaves a double life Whenever we're sober, we try to live like people are supposed to live. But when we're drinking, since alcohol lowers the inhibitions, God, we do things that we would never think about doing sober. We're living two lifetimes when we're a practicing alcoholic. The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he's revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes they will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension, and that makes for more drinking. You know, let's face it. We alcoholics have become the world's greatest con artists. You have to be. You couldn't live as a practicing alcoholic if you didn't learn how to lie, cheat, con, manipulate, steal, whatever is necessary. And I think the one we have to con the most is ourselves. I don't think we could live with ourselves if we had to really see what's going on when we're drinking. But see, we've got a little thing called resentments, and we use those resentments to transfer blame to others, and that way we could live with ourselves. Now, if you've been doing that for 5, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 40 years, you come to AA and you take step four. You be just as honest as you can with yourself, but let's face it, we can't be honest with ourselves. I now need to take my inventory. Take it to another human being, one who's walked this walk before me, who understands 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 according to the big book, and have them help me see those things I can't see about me. Now, they're not going to change anything in column 1. They're not going to change anything in column 2. They'll probably change some things in column 3. You know, one place I said this was caused by the sex instinct, and he said, no, it isn't. He said, you're just trying to build yourself. You're trying to build yourself. That's all you're trying to do. In the fifth column, one place I said this was caused by fear, and he said, this is plain damn dishonesty. That's all this is. He helped me see things I couldn't see. We're getting ready to start a lifetime changing process. We need to be sure that we're trying to change the right things so we can have peace of mind in the future, and we just can't see it by ourselves. Now, I know confession is good for the soul, and I know if you belong, if you belong to a denomination that requires it, you ought to go do that. But I still think you ought to take your inventory to somebody in IA, preferably a good sponsor if you've got one that knows the program. The main thing is, do they really know the program? If they do, they can help us. If they don't, then all we're going to get out of it is confession. We need more than that. Page 74 tells people, tell you how to pick somebody. That is not valid today like it was in 1936. In 1939, the first person out here in California that got this big book didn't have any other IA members or any sponsor. And it was difficult for them to find somebody to do Step 5 with. That's what Page 74 deals with. But today, there's plenty of good people out here in California that understands this program, that have worked this program, that have walked this step before. That's who we need to select to take Step 5 with. Hopefully, it will be our sponsor. Page 75 tells us how to do it. When we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time. There's that time factor again. We have a written inventory and I'm prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we're about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we're engaged upon a life and death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help. They will be honored by our confidence. I'll never forget when I called my sponsor, Franklin, and I said, Franklin, can I come over this weekend and do my inventory, do my fifth step? He said, sure, I'd love to have you come over. So I went over there to East Olive Branch, Mississippi, and I sat down there with Franklin that evening and I said, well, I've got it all prepared here and you've helped me a lot and I appreciate it. He said, yeah, I know you do and I'm ready to get started. He said, but first of all, ask you and I to do the third step prayer together. That's the kind of sponsor I had and we asked God to be with us during this process. And we did that and we set about looking into this inventory process. And Franklin? Well, he helped me see things that I couldn't see. I shared these things with him from left to right all the way across. And he asked me questions and helped me see things that I couldn't see. Shared with me some of the things that happened with him and how he could see things. And it helped me a whole lot. It helped me a lot. And then after that weekend was over, where the book said, we pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. Once taken a step with holding nothing, we are delighted. Now we see the results. Some more promises. We can look the world in the eye. We can be alone in perfect peace and ease. Our fears fall from us. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. We believed in step two. Now we begin to have a spiritual experience. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel that we're on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. You know, I remember back when I was drinking, how my mind used to be like, I used to race uncontrollably every night. And that's the main reason I drank was to stop it. And after I did this fifth step, and I was on my way home that afternoon, I was, I used to lay awake and I was thinking, if I could just get it all even one time, just get it back to zero, back to even in all those situations, just one time, I'd be okay. And by this time, I could see that I could do that. I was looking forward to the next steps because I wanted to get things squared away one time. And I thank God all the way home for this process up to this point. Now, if you've done four and five, according to the big book, you've done a lot of work. You're probably tired and need a little rest. The book's going to give us a little rest stop. Returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. Now, he didn't say 72 days. You see, they mean for us to get on with this thing between three and four at once. Now, we get an hour's rest here, but that's all. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. We don't know him yet, but we know him better. Taking this book down from our shelf, we turn to the page which contained the 12 steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals. Now, he could have said the first five steps again, but he don't want to do it twice in a row. Carefully reading the first five proposals, we ask if we've omitted anything for building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last. Is our work solid so far? Are the stones properly in place? Have we skimped on the cement? Put in the foundation? Have we tried to make mortar without sand? And once again, we're referring to the wonderfully effective spiritual structure, the personality change we're building. Step one, willingness, was the foundation. Step two, believing, was the cornerstone. Step three, he told us it's an arch we'll pass through to freedom. And three was the keystone. Now, we've put two more stones in place.