Step 5 — Admitted Our Wrongs – Donna J. – New England Big Book Workshop Weekend – 2020

we will now transition to our step speakers our first one step five is donna good afternoon everyone i'm donna recovered alcoholic and i want to thank the committee for having me share my experiences with this work and with god so step five so now we're going to see the motive for doing inventory it says we made our personal inventory so what shall we do about it so now i get to see the truth about myself that i never saw before and i get to share this with another human being so this is not about just confessing what i've done i get to see why i did what i did what was you what was motive in the sex inventory. You know, it's not that we look at our sex conduct, but we look at our motive for why we did the things that we did. They say that if we skip this vital step, we may not start drinking. Well, why? See, I didn't realize how much resentment, resentment, guilt, fear I had been holding on to. See, I told you early on my first inventory, I had things from starting far back as when I was in elementary school, kindergarten. And so each resentment, for each resentment, there were maybe five reasons why I was mad. And those five reasons affected a different part of self. And then I see that I'm so full of fear that it's robbing me of time. It's holding me onto past experiences and projecting me into a future that I don't even know is true. The way I use people, like I did with alcohol, for a sense of ease and comfort. So now I get to see this, and I realize that relying on self, I can't do anything with what I see. It says that these are about to be cast out. And I'm willing to believe the God of my understanding that did the first miracle that I'm aware of removed the compulsion for me to drink, because I couldn't do that on my own. I've said this before, and I will continue to say it. I just did not stop drinking. The problem, was removed. So I trust God, and the person who took me through the work, I trust them. See, when I'm doing the fourth step, I already know who I'm meeting my fifth step with. Because this person has given me a gift, an opportunity to become free. So I need to be entirely ready to tell all. So I need to be entirely ready to tell all. Now, you know, when they say, men with the men, women with the women, well, I got to tell you, I had two men that took me through the work, and two men listened to my fifth step. And I remember I was on my way with my resentment sheets. I didn't take a long time doing resentment, or fear, or my sex harms inventory, because I got real uncomfortable when I wasn't writing. and I didn't like that uncomfortability especially now that the way I used to deal with uncomfortability was drinking and that's been removed so I can't even do that so the only thing I can do is move forward see I work with a lot of people they don't even get to step four now it could be that they realize along the way that they're not real alcoholics and they don't have to do this because this is about finding your truth other people stop doing four maybe their willingness to believe that God is protecting them is not sufficient I don't know because I never see him again so it's not like I can ask him but I usually lose people in four and nine that's why it's so important to do that important that one, two, and three is solid. So I'm on my way to go meet Rashid, and I got these sheets, and the only word I see in interaction until we return home is the word all. And I'm reading my, you know, willingness. That's the gift I was given, the gift of willingness. And I went for it. And as I'm reading it to him, and every time I read inventory, I feel so childish. Every time I get to another resentment, I go, oh, Lord, I got to read this. Because I start seeing the pattern. And it gets to the point that I don't even read the third column anymore. They want me to go right to column four. See, column three, as I read it, I start seeing that these areas of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love, of self-love. That I've been living in. I know what affects my self-esteem. That's all I've been focusing on. I know what affects my pride. That's all I focus on. My ambition, what I couldn't get because of you. I lived that. That was my life. But that fourth column is something I'm looking at for the first time. I get to look at fear for the first time and see, oh, my God, I've been relying on self. And I keep failing miserably. And I get to see how God would have me be, which is what I ask for in self-love. Six and seven. How God would have me be is different from fear. And I get to see how I used people. So now I'm sitting across from Rashid and I'm reading and he asks me the question, is that all? I felt like I was at a crossroad. I could hold on to what I would take to the grave. But see, I was willing to go to any length. And I want to be as free as I can. And what I was experiencing in that moment, somebody needs to mute their phone. For those of you that have kids and you're about to leave your apartment and your kid holds on to your leg saying, don't go, don't go, don't go. That's how I felt that my ego was showing up. It didn't want me to tell it. And I remember I felt like I looked like this. And I let go and I shared it. I didn't die. I wasn't judged. See, I've said enough fifth steps and I've listened to enough fifth steps. And by the way, listening to fifth steps is an honor. To be chosen by God. See, that's why we do this deal, kids, so that we can be of service to God. And one of those service roles is to sit and be present and listening to a fifth step. To be God's ears and God's mouth. Before I listen to a fifth step, I pray and I ask God, please enable me to see what you need for me to see. Hear what I need to hear and say only what you want me to say. Because I'm working. I'm working on his behalf. Remember, we're his agents. And that's one of our jobs as an agent. So Rashi doesn't judge me. So as we're doing our sharing our fourth step, we're getting our list of defects. The behaviors that I have been asleep to all of my life. It was a laundry list. I also wanted to say that I never put my name on a resentment resentment inventory because in some weird egotistical way, I think that perhaps I should have been different. Well, the truth of the matter is, I did the best that I could without God. So I can't fool myself to think that, well, maybe I could have acted differently to these people. No, I acted the best way that I could. And so I had that. I had that. I had that. I had this list, and oh, my God, the impatience, the jealousy, the slovenliness, the unaccountable, the gossip, the rudeness. I mean, it was a long list. And, you know, we asked God to take us all, good and bad. So he had me write a list of the good qualities. It wasn't a long list, but there were some things on there. And because he was seeing me differently than I can see myself, because I still was thinking I'm a piece of crap, he was able to add to the list. And I looked at both of those lists. In this hand, I had the qualities that were not the defects, and I had the defects. And I looked at both of those lists. And in that moment, I looked at the list. And I looked at the disorder of the two, and I said, oh, my God, this is what God wanted me to be, not what I became, relying on self. The next thing I knew, my head dropped to the table. We had been sitting in a diner. We were sitting in his car earlier, and wherever we were, we wound up in a diner. And thank God the waitress had pulled our plates, because my head dropped to the table, and I wept. I never wept before. I cried. But I wept. And I heard Rashid say, you are rendered speechless. And he came behind me, and he had his hands on my shoulders. I don't know how long I cried, but when I looked at my head up, I looked at him and said, I had no idea. I don't even know what I meant by that. So he drives me home, and he says one of the most profound things. I had ever heard. He said, now go join the human race. And so I sat for my hour. We could be alone at perfect peace and ease. I read Fifth Step to Adrian. Adrian took me through this work. Adrian is more different than me. And you can imagine. He's Irish. He's a construction worker. And I trusted him like I trusted Rashid, like I trusted Loretta, like I trusted Lorraine. And after I did my Fifth Step with Adrian, a peace washed over me. A comforting feeling washed over me. And I remember Adrian was in the room getting us something to eat. And I wanted to share with him what was going on, but I didn't want to leave that place. I wanted to stay in that place for as long as I could. I've had experiences listening to Fifth Steps, that after the Fifth Step was done, I was in that place again. That peace. And I remember I listened to a Fifth Step, and after that person left, I went in my room and I just sat there in total quiet. I wanted to share what I was feeling with somebody, but again, I didn't want to leave it. These experiences are real. It was nothing that I tried to do. To get this nearness with God, except for following these directions, for being willing, for having an open mind that when I asked God to let me see what I need to see, he was showing it to me on paper. Honesty. To be honest about what I saw. To share it. We begin to have a spiritual experience. See, I know my experiences are real. God loves us so much. That Matt said, we just got to do the digging. He does the changing. How I am today, I could have never got. There's a, in the spiritual experience, I love when it says, oh my God, because I know I'm going to run out of time. It says, what often takes place in a few months can seldom have been accomplished by years of self-discipline. And I always like to hold the cover of this book up to page 164. All these pages in my hand. And say, and say, what has happened in and through me. I could have never pulled this off. This is what I wanted my entire life. To be able to be. To be of use. And in this case, we have a wonderful way of being of use, carrying this message. They, it tells us. There's people that would love to have what we have. So where's our responsibility of having our experiences with God so we can be used to help somebody. Thank you. I don't know. I got a lot of time left. I don't know. Why was I willing to even do this? You know, I remember. I used to always do foxhole prayers. And I realized today I was real in those prayers. I really was crying out for God. And a lot of us say foxhole prayers, but it's funny when we have an opportunity to meet God. Have a relationship with God. We balk, meaning we stop at our own accord. We start questioning. We don't want to lose control. So I was real about those foxhole prayers, but I was still controlling my drinking. No different than Dr. Bob. Dr. Bob was a church going man. I can't seek God and still want to control the situation. I can't control the situation. I can't control the situation. I can't control the situation. So he removed the alcohol. So now why am I controlling everything else when everything's turning into a big box of crazy? See, what I see in inventory, I'm convinced there's nothing I can do to make me better. And then at that point, I really, I really, it's a forgiveness step. I really want to have an opportunity. I really want to have an opportunity to show up different in life. I realize that these people, they're owed an amends. They really are owed an amends. Because I could care less about people's feelings prior to that. And to me, this thing is about crushing my ego. My Al-Anon sponsor used to say she would ask God to crush her ego into little pieces so it's hard to build. And so as I'm listening, I'm reading a fifth step, listening to a fifth step, my ego doesn't really want me to see the entire truth. It wants me to continue to think I'm this great big I am. Or like I like to call it, big Willie Bobo. So I was wanting Matt to do when we get home, but I got so much time. So I return home. I'm willing to go, I'm willing to go home to re-examine everything that I've done up to this point because of the freedom I'm starting to feel. There has not been one fifth step that I didn't come out on the other side feeling free. I look at the 12 steps. And I look at the 12 steps. And I look over everything that I've done up to this point. Have I been honest in step one? Admitting that my life is unmanageable. See, I stopped thinking about the alcohol because the thought of a drink never occurs. It didn't occur for me when I was in a treatment facility. When God removed it, everything else started to show up. My inability to live. Because if I didn't, if I'm not clear. On those steps, my foundation is weak. Do I still think that I'm running the show? Because every day. Moving forward. I have to sit in prayer and meditation and ask God to show me how to be. And we will get to step seven, but that's one complete prayer. Three and seven, because there's no amen after the third step prayer. So I say those two together. It says we're building an arts because we shall walk a free woman at last. I don't know about you, but. That's what I want. I'm tired of manipulating my way through life. I'm tired of faking until I make it. And I get to feel this freedom. After crushing my ego enough to sit across from another person. And and and and reading how childish and insensitive. And self centered. I I've been my mind never let me see that. That's why I refuse. To trust the thoughts of my thinking mind. I can't. Say enough for for for people who have not gone through this process. You know, I hope one thing this conference does. Is to share with you the experiences. With God. No one's ever died from writing a fourth step. No one's ever died from listening to fifth step. But I got to say, when asked that question, have I told all. Don't hide behind your ego and pride. And not share it. Because if there's a name for it, somebody else has done it as well. And. Based on my own fifth steps and fifth steps. I read things that we're going to take to the grave. That have to do with sex. Oh, well. So I feel like I'm running out of steam. And I'm going to let Matt pick up. So I'm just going to get out of my chair and he's going to move over. Because we're rocking like that this afternoon. I'm surprised. I'm in Brooklyn now. Hello, everyone. My name is Matt. I'm a recovered alcoholic. Thank you, Donna, for hosting me in your home. This is fantastic. Thank you, Carrie, for keeping me keeping me company on the drive. I was kind of delighted when she was having technical difficulties because it was like, sweet. If I get stuck in traffic, I'll be OK. So. So. Right. So when I first came in, I was getting I was getting I was counting down. I was counting days in Manhattan and one of the places on one of the meetings that I went to a lot of young people. And there was this mystification of of of four and five. Right. And this is the only place in the world where I hear this, where people would say things like, like, well, yeah, you know, I just celebrated four years and and I'm still working on my fourth. And I'm a lot of fear behind sharing that stuff with somebody. I don't know if I'm going to do a fifth. And the book makes a very. Very clear case for urgency. Right. Not only does it make make a clear case for urgency, it threatens us with death. Right. Donna just said she said no one ever died from writing a fourth and no one ever died from reading or listening to a fifth. But I'd go as far to say that I'm sure some people might have died, whether physically or otherwise, from not writing a fourth. Or reading their fifth. Right. It says when we decide to is to hear our story, we waste no time. Right. After I'm done with step three and I come to this realization that that that God is going to be the director now, it tells me that that next we launched. Launched is not the same as as as dragging your feet launched is not, you know, the bill didn't use any uncertain terms. Right. It says we have a written inventory and we prepared for a long talk. This this little notebook. That I had was the heaviest thing I'd ever carried around. Right. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life and death errand. Right. If these are the things that are part of my makeup that drive me back. To the drink and to the drug and to the behaviors. Right. And they tell me to drink is to die. They tell me that these resentments that I just learned about. Right. Right. And I'm like, okay, if this is the number one offender and it kills more alcoholics than anything else, then I have to come to terms with the idea that my fifth step is absolutely a life and death and right and I wish somehow like, in retrospect, that somebody would have read me the beautiful promises in the next paragraph, because if you'd have told me that that's what's going to come on the other side of me reading this to someone, then I might there might have been a little more excitement to do it. But what happened was for my own personal experiences, I've told you guys over and over and over again, I didn't know how to relate to men. And so it tells us earlier in the chapter that the alcoholic more than most lives a double life. I've been living a double life for as long as I could remember. I was born in a home where they taught me Spanish as a first language. And so I got to school and I had and I spoke English with a very thick Spanish accent. So I came home from school and I said, don't talk to me in Spanish anymore. Speak to me in English. I want to sound like the kids in school. Right. So so at home, I want to be like the kids at school. And then at school, I took joy in being able to talk smack about the other kids in Spanish. Where most of the kids can understand what we were saying. Right. As I got a little bit older and my dad died and my sister was left with me. Right. And when my sister was home, it was drug, sex, rock and roll, loud music. The whole neighborhood was in my apartment, smoking weed, drinking. Right. And and then when mom was home, we had to act like the Cleaver family. You know, when I was in high school, I was in gangs selling drugs and guns and hanging out on the street. But I was a straight A student and I always thought that one of these one of these sides was going to find out who I really was. But who was I really? Right. Even in college, like I wanted to be the kid from the street, the hip hop kid. But I was this long haired, big bearded, pot smoking rock climber. I was always worried that you were going to find me out. And so I lied and embellished and inflated who I was. And I was so scared to sit across from another man in any setting and say, this is my truth. Because maybe I don't measure up. Maybe these things, they don't make me a man. Maybe I'm going to be judged or criticized. Maybe I'm going to. Maybe I'm going to feel less than. Right. And they say comparison is the thief of joy. And so I spend so much time looking at your outsides and comparing them to my insides. I'm comparing my movie to your highlight reel. And I lose every time. So now you're telling me that after I've done this work where I sit alone. And I dissect all of the thinking, feeling and actions that separate me from you and God. I have to know, lay them out and bear my soul for another man in God. Well, thankfully for me, that my my sponsor was a gentle, kind and loving human being. And I just did another fifth step about a month ago. And what happens is right. It says we pocket our pride and go to it, illuminating every twist of character, every dark cranny of the past. I have to sit with another man to see the patterns. I have to sit with another man to keep me honest. I have to sit with another man because I'm starting to feel God flowing and I need somebody to look me in the eyes and ask me, is there. Is there anything else? Because I will rationalize and I will explain away and I will I will downplay the severity of something that I should be telling somebody. But as I feel God flow in in the previous steps, it becomes incredibly difficult to look upon a man who's taking time out of his day to listen to my fourth step or my fifth step. And say, no, there's nothing else. Right. And what happens when I do that? What happens when I do that? Once we have taken the step withholding nothing, there are always conditions upon which we receive the promises. Right. My reward only comes in the amount in the same amount of the effort that I put in to get it. Right. Like I tell my sponsors all of the time, I'm an incredibly busy man. I work three jobs. I have two children. Right. Like like. And I'm very active in it. But I will match your willingness. Because that's what God has always done for me. He will match my willingness. If I'm coming to this thing with absolute honesty and absolute willingness and my mind is wide open for whatever God has in store for me, he will not let me down. And so. We are delighted. Wait, hold on. So I have to sit in front of another man and explain to him all of the ridiculousness that comes out. Of my crazy brain. All of the all of the future tripping I've done in the fears, all of the ways that I behaved crazily in the relationships with women and men and everybody else in between. Right. I have to tell him that I am a victim of my own delusional thinking. Right. I carried around this resentment of my father from the time that I was had nothing to do with the fact that my dad died. I was a victim of that when I was six. When I'm 32, I'm just a big cry baby. Get over it. Matthew. Why am I walking around carrying this thing? I am a willing participant in the victimization of my own life. Right. I start to see things when my sponsor points out to me like, yeah, well, can I, you know, that that that forgiveness. Can I look at somebody like they're sick? And I start to see, you know, we say this a lot about our parents. They were doing the best they could with what they had. But I start to realize that we're all just winging it. There is no manual. For life. As a matter of fact, we get one. We kind of have a leg up on the normal people on the civilians. Because. Like, I am. I am. I'm terrified of all of this. I am terrified of all of this. I'm even terrified to share it. And yet I sit across from another man and I and I bear it out and he bears some of his own. Because he lets me know that this fear that I walked in with that I'm terminally weak. I'm better than. I'm worse than I'm whatever it is. We are just the same. And all of a sudden this shift happens. And in the middle of step five, in the middle of step five, I start to realize something as I'm sitting across the magic kitchen table in Georgia's kitchen that I always saw. I came here with the idea that I have to do this or I might drink. I have to do this to get sober. And by the time my shoulders come down, I get a little bit of ease and comfort in the kitchen with this man. And we start to laugh at the ridiculousness of it. And we share a couple of war stories. I realize that I get to do this. 20 something years of a Catholic education. 20 something years, way through college and after. All to call after all to call after all to call. And I've heard them sing and talk and preach about grace. And I have no idea what they're talking about. And I'm sitting across from another man realizing that these are, these are things that I've done. This is not who I am. I am a child of God and God is deep down inside of me. And if I can get on the other side of these things with God's help, with Alcoholics Anonymous' help, then I can really understand what grace is. This unmerited gift. I don't do any of this. I just keep writing. I just keep talking. I just keep sharing. I just keep peeling away the layers of this onion. I start this systematic surrender of self where I make room for God. To flow in and use me. We can be alone at perfect peace and ease. That was the hardest thing for me. That fourth dimension of existence I was explained is the present moment. It is time. It is right here and right now. Rocketed to now. Because I drank about yesterday. I drank about the future. And that spun me around all the time. And I drank because right. Here right now was never comfortable. Perfect peace and ease. You mean the committee can actually quiet down. You mean that I can walk into a room and just talk about who I am and show up as I'm supposed to show up and not worry about how that's going to affect anybody or their opinions on it. Then I might be able to look myself in the mirror and say, Matt, you're all right. You can. You can. You know what? You can. Our fears fall from us. It does not say that I remove the fears. It is more grace. It is more grace. The fears fall from us the same way. I wake up one day and I realized, Holy, I'm not thinking about a drink. I keep trudging through the work with you guys and I wake up one day and I'm not scared. These imaginary consequences of imaginary interactions. with imaginary people just disappear. They just disappear. We begin to feel the nearness of our creator. If the goal, when I, that house that I tried to paint you guys earlier, if the goal is to open the door and see what's inside, I walk in the door and I realize it's me, me, me, me, me, and all these different manifestations. Me, me, me, me, me, me, me. But God's on the other side of that. And I sit with the sponsor and I start deciphering which one is which. And I start tossing things out the door, tossing things out the door, tossing things out the door. And on the other side of that is God. So I can feel the nearness of my creator now because there's not as much math in the mix. More God, less math. More God, less math. More God, less math. It's all the same in all of the religions. It doesn't matter where you go. It doesn't matter where you go. What side of the world? Eastern, Western, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist. It doesn't matter. The goal is more God, less. Less me. The release of self. The surrender of self. Releasing attachments like these ideas that I have. I just have to let them fall from me with God's help. We may have had certain spiritual beliefs, but now we begin to have a spiritual experience. You know, if you're reading this book, there's some things that you think are saving for later steps that are happening now. We begin to have a spiritual experience. I can start to see God in the man sitting across from me. And you know what's the craziest part about step five is I start to see God in me. And that's why I can sit at perfect peace and ease because the mirror was the last place I ever wanted to look before this. The feeling that the drink problem has disappeared will often come strongly. We feel we are on the broad highway, capital B, capital H, walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe. I am on a roll. Donna talked about momentum. I am on a roll. I have to stoke that fire. I have to keep working. That's why there's an urgency behind this. I am not capable of any of the things that I did to get to step five. Right? I have a friend who is a staunch atheist. Staunch atheist. And I'm very public about my sobriety and the fact that I'm a staunch atheist. And I'm very public about my sobriety and the fact that I'm a staunch atheist. And I'm very public about my sobriety and the fact that I'm a staunch atheist. And I'm in recovery. And it's actually happened so that people have been able to reach out to me on public forums. And I've been able to get guys help. It's the mission that God gave me and I'm perfectly comfortable with it. I walk around with t-shirts that say Sober On. And my friend comes to me and he says, you're still not drinking? You're still doing that Alcoholics Anonymous thing? And I said, yeah, Jules. I don't... He says, you know, that wasn't... That wasn't God. That was you, Matt. You decided one day that you weren't going to drink anymore and you'd had enough of your own shit and you stopped drinking. I said, Jules, I wish that was true. I wish that one day I could have decided that I was going to stop drinking and I'd just stop. Because the truth of the matter was I'd made a decision to stop drinking thousands of times. And I could never do that. I could never muster up enough self-will to keep me from picking up a drink or any other toxic behavior or substance. And I can look at the things that drove me to that kind of behavior and recognize that it's actually the opposite of that. Is that my decision-making, my thinking, my resentments, what I thought about you, how I was scared of you, the way I showed up in your relationships, those things drove me around. And I poured the drink on how those things made me feel and think. And when I illuminate them and I share them with another man, the first thing that really happens is I realize how crazy I really am. But it's more and more ease and comfort as I go through the steps. What I'm looking for in the drink, I'm finding here. I'm finding in God. I'm finding in God. I'm finding in God. I'm starting to see what it feels like to treat my alcoholism with a spiritual solution. And there's this, you know, there's this funny thing that God does when you turn your attention towards him. And at least it's been my experience. You know, he just spins me around and he turns my attention towards his children, towards you guys. And if I'm going to prepare to walk out and start making some amends, if I'm going to put myself in a position to practice these principles in all my affairs and my respective homes, occupation and affairs, can I be a father? Can I be a boyfriend? Can I be a husband? Can I be a son? Can I be a brother? Well, I have to get right with God and find the patterns of behavior and the things that I'm going to offer up in step five that block me from the ability to do those things. Because I'm just as powerless over this stuff as I was overall. Right? And we go home and we sit quietly for an hour. A lot of people overlook this is a very important part of step five. Because it says, admit it to God, to ourselves, and to another human being. Right? I'm sitting and in the effort, I'm admitting it to God. Sitting with somebody else, I'm admitting it to God and them. And I come back home and I have to sit to myself and take stock of how well I've done the previous five. This idea that if I leave something off, I'm going to drink. I don't know. But I know that if I hold on to something intentionally, I will suffer for it, drink or no drink. So I examine that. Right? I sit quietly. And you know something? This might be the first time that I'm able to do this. To just sit quietly. And for me, my sponsor dropped me off at a park. He dropped me off at a park. And it was a summer day. And he said, I'm going to drop you off at the park. Go sit quietly in the park for an hour. Then we'll read six and seven. And I'm walking through the park and I'm beating myself up. Because I do that. I think we all do that. Right? We're pretty harsh on ourselves. And I'm like, how are you ever going to get to the other side of this experience? Thank you. How are you ever going to get rid of these things? How are these things have been ingrained in you since you were a child? How are you going to change? You've hurt so many people. Look at the way that you've behaved. I'm just like. And I'm in a park full of people and I can't hear anything. I was right next to the highway. There was a Mr. Softly truck for any of the New Yorkers that plays a very particular song. Right? There's handball, basketball, baseball, kids playing around, sprinklers going. I don't hear any of that. And all of a sudden, this quiet voice comes into my head and it says, you know, you don't have to live like that. It was the same voice that got me out of bed that morning with my son that got me into treatment. If I sit quietly and if I follow directions, God speaks to me. I don't have a burning bush. He speaks through you. He speaks through the quiet, gentle thoughts in my mind that sound, different from the harsh, critical ones or the ego-driven other ones. But I have to sit quietly to decipher which one is which. And this is what prepares me to move forward in six and seven. This is what prepares me to move forward. I don't have to live like this anymore. And the only reason I don't have to live like this anymore is because I've made a commitment to no longer rely on self. Me driving this car, crashes this car every time. I realize that now. I should probably get out of the driver's seat, go around the back of the car, sit in the passenger seat in the backseat, anywhere but the driver's seat. And I'm okay there. That's what's different. Systematic surrender to a power greater than myself. A systematic deflation of ego to look at all of that and share all of that is hard and it's painful. But they promise me when I'm done, I will be delighted. And when you look back at it, because when you start doing this work later on in the years, you're like, I need to write something down. I need to share this with somebody. I got to call somebody because I understand that the freedom that's on the other side of this process. Thank God for inventory. My pen snitches on me. Thank God for this inventory process. Thank God for this inventory process. Thank God for this inventory process. Thank God for this inventory process. Thank God for this inventory process. Thank God for this inventory process. Thank God for this inventory process. Later on, it's going to tell me I'm fitting myself to be of maximum service to God and those about me. How do I do that? I start here. This is the first time I take my recovery public. It's the first time I share this process with what's going on really in here with somebody else. Then we really go big time when we get to 89. But this is where it starts. This is where I look another person in the eye with the mission that I'm on. And if I have, if I can answer that my stones properly in place, if I know that I haven't skimped on putting cement in the foundation, that I haven't tried to make mortar without sand, then I'm ready. Then I'm ready. Then I can move on and I can get into the next. Thank you guys. Thank you so much, Donna and Matt. We will now take a 15 minute break and resume with step six, breakout sessions and a keynote speaker at three o'clock. See you then.