Step 4 – Wilson H. – 2020

All right. Welcome back. Welcome back, everybody. My name is Chris, and I am an alcoholic still. I want to, as we're moving into step four, this session will be on step four and five, I believe. And as we're moving into this, there's a couple of significant things from my experience that I want to share with you. They were really eye-opening. Um, one of them was, I got an opportunity to work with somebody who had really, really deep experience with this, with this process. Right around 2000 to 2003, I had the opportunity to get to know this person and to really work at a deep level with them. And he was, he was known for developing exercises around this work, like extra credit kind of, kind of exercises. And so prior to doing step four, he had me do an exercise that was, was really mind blowing for me. And what, what he basically asked me to do was from page 60, where it says the first requirement is that we'd be convinced that life run on self-will can hardly be a success. From there, he said, I want you to pick three people in your life. One of them has to be a woman and they have to know you really well. So I picked my wife and I picked, uh, uh, my best friend and I picked my best sponsee. And he said, this is what you're going to do. You're going to go to them and you're going to give them spiritual consent to be 100% of your life. And he said, I want you to be 100% truthful with you. You're, you're gonna, you're gonna ask them to be 100% truthful with you. And then you're going to sit with them and they are going to read these paragraphs very slowly and where they recognize that any of these traits, uh, uh, are, are manifesting from you. They're going to, they're going to stop and they're going to explain what they see. So, I had three people go through this and, and, and, uh, each person is like an actor who wants to run the whole show. Stop. Tell me how I'm an actor trying to run the whole show. And then they would give me examples of where I was controlling. And I, I gotta tell you some of this stuff, I kind of knew most of it was a revelation to me. I didn't know that that's how I was showing up. I didn't know how I was, I didn't know that, that, that, that I was, I had this level of selfishness and self-centeredness until I had other people honestly explain to me just how selfish and self-centered I was. You know, it says selfishness, self-centeredness, that we think is the root of our troubles. Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root of the guy behind the tilapia lady. You, you, you, you, you know, what I mean? Like selfishness and self-centeredness, that's the root of our trouble. It does not say vodka and bourbon are the root of my trouble. It's a deeper, deeper, uh, deeper level of, of, of, of illness. You know, alcoholism is, is, it's cunning, baffling, powerful. It's, it's also many layered. And what I've found, what I've found that's absolutely true because I work with a lot of people and I've gone to a lot of meetings over my life is when someone comes in, someone is new or prior to someone doing the 12 steps with a sponsor, they are always in more trouble than they think they are. This is an illness of minimization. Yeah, I know, you know, that I'm sleeping in a, in a refrigerator box by the railroad tracks, but, but, you know, it's not really, it's not that bad, you know, I don't have to pay any rent. Yeah, it's, it's, it's, it's like we're, we're always in, in more trouble than we think we are. I came, I came strolling into alcoholics and I was just hoping that I'd find a way not to poison myself to death with alcohol. That's why I showed up here. Uh, and I thought if I could separate from alcohol, everything else is gonna fall into place. Yeah. That's not what happens if you're really alcoholic because this is such an emotional illness. It's such a spiritual illness that we're our own worst enemies. And so it's not easy looking at these levels of selfishness. It's not easy looking deeply at our flaws. You know, instincts balk at investigation is something that the 12 and 12 says. But this deep, deep self-examination is absolutely essential because we need to know what the real problem is. If we come in here and base our Alcoholics Anonymous experience on not drinking, that's what we'll get. But if we come in here and we base... our Alcoholics Anonymous experience on what the real causes and conditions of our alcoholism is, you know, we're going to really put ourselves in a position to get recovered, you know, to be healed of this spiritual malady that they talk about. I'm going to read a couple of things. I know this is a big book workshop, but I always do this and nobody usually complains. I want to start with one of my favorite paragraphs in all of Alcoholics Anonymous literature because it's so profound. This is the third paragraph out of the foreword to the 12 steps and 12 Traditions. It says, A.A.'s 12 steps are a group of principles spiritual in their nature, which if practiced as a way of life can expel the obsession to drink, and enable the sufferer to become happily and uselessly possessed. One of the first 12 steps says, A.A.'s 12 steps are a group of principles spiritual in their nature, which if practiced as a way of life can expel the obsession to drink, and enable the sufferer to become happily and uselessly possessed. whole. I want to pull that apart just for a minute, okay? AA's 12 steps are a group of principles that are spiritual principles. These 12 steps, they're not, Alcoholics Anonymous did not invent these principles. These principles were around forever. They're principles that most highly religious or spiritually advanced people understood the value of. But what Alcoholics Anonymous did was put them into a program of action for the results of this work. So if I practice these spiritual principles as a way of life, they have to become part of my operational methodology, these steps. I had to do a quick 10-step this morning because I was wrong. And immediately, I had to admit that. It's become part of my operational methodology. And if I do this, if I do this, the alcohol problem is removed. It's not something I fight with. I don't fight with not drinking. I don't grip my tongue. I don't grip my tongue. I don't grip my tongue. I don't grip my tongue. I don't grip my teeth about not drinking. That problem is removed as a result of living these principles as a way of life. But the brass ring is, I will be happily and usefully whole. Whole. That's what I always sought for. I sought for a connection, a wholeness, a sense of serenity. And I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, and I, I tried to find that in alcohol because there were periods of time that alcohol would offer me that. You know, after, you know, it'd be a terrible day at work. I hate my boss. I'd sit out at the bar. By the time I'm having my eighth drink, everything is great. You know, I, you know, I, you know, this is cool. Let's start a business. You ever start a business at a bar? You know, in a blackout, you know, we'll work together, you know, and, and, and I would be, I would be happily, and usefully whole. My soul desires that. It just does. And useful. I always wanted to be useful. I always wanted to be the guy who could actually be useful. But I never would. I was so useless. I would drive to the liquor store from work, home. I'd start pouring a 28-ounce bourbon and Coke, and I'm out. Don't be calling me. Don't be writing letters. Don't come over and ask me to go help you with something. I'm drinking. Totally useless. And that is one of the most selfish things about us, is how we protected our drinking and how we weren't available and didn't let anybody else in. But somehow we wanted to be connected, and we wanted to be the type of people that were useful. If we live these spiritual principles, that's what we get offered. And I've got to tell you, that's being overpaid. That's being overpaid. For the way we've been living, that is the grace of God. That is mercy. Now, that's the good news. The good news is we all can apply this stuff in our life, and we can become happily and usefully whole without having to deal with alcohol. Well, what I want to do is I want to read the bad news. I'm going to give you the bad news. In this, they hid the bad news in Tradition 9 on page 174. And it says here, unless each AA member follows to the best of their ability our suggested 12 steps to recovery, they almost certainly sign their own death warrant. Do you think they meant death warrant? Could that be a typo? Like when I first was exposed to a lot of this literature, I thought there was plenty of typos. Okay, so if I don't do the best job I can, and many of us fall short, and there's no one among us mainstays anything like perfect adherence to this stuff, but if I don't make a real serious attempt at these 12 steps, Bill is saying we're signing our own death warrant. So, if you're belligerently refusing to do the 12 steps, you're not supposed to stay sober. That's what our literature tells us. That's not really great news. . We get a daily reprieve. You know what one of the definitions of a reprieve is? A stay of execution. That's what that is. . That's one of the definitions of a reprieve. We get a daily reprieve based on the maintenance of our spirits and condition. So, folks, this stuff is serious. We need to take this recovery stuff seriously. Is meeting attendance and group membership good? I love that. It all starts with the groups. But it's become a common understanding among people that our sobriety depends upon our adherence to consistent meeting attendance. And that's not what the program of recovery is telling us. The program of recovery is telling us that we need to maintain our spiritual condition through. Through applying these 12 steps as a way of life. And then it says something I think that's pretty cool. It says, Your drunkenness and disillusion are not penalties inflicted by people in authority. They result from your personal disobedience to spiritual principles. Don't you know inside, don't you feel inside that that's true? That we're going to make it or break it depending upon how we move through our lives? How we apply compassion and understanding and these spiritual principles. So, I think it's very, very helpful. The first time I approached the four steps, I just did it because my sponsor told me it was time. It's time. Do your four steps. And I come from an area where there was no big book studies. There was no come over to my house. And I'll show you. And I'll show you. And I'll show you. And I'll show you. And I'll show you. And I'll show you. And I'll show you. And I'll show you. And I'll show you how to do this. There was none of that. What there was, was a sponsor telling you, it's kind of time for you to do your four step. And if you raised your hand in a meeting and said, you know, my sponsor told me I have to do a four step. Can anybody in here tell me how you do a four step? Some old timer would go, kid, you do a four step with a pencil. And that's what you would get, right? That's the late 80s. You know, the beautiful late 80s. So, I did the best. I did the best I could. You know, I went to a bunch of four step meetings, step meetings. Don't do that. If you're about to do a four step, don't do that. It confused the hell out of me. The seven deadly sins and all this other stuff. So, you know, I ended up putting together this life story with, you know, all this hobble gobble and, you know, it was confessional, but I didn't learn anything. I did not learn and digest deep. Chunks of truth about myself because it all came from me. Now, the exercise that Joe had me do where I went, I asked other people to tell me how I'm showing up, that was a very, very deep four step for me because, because I based that on how I actually showed up, not my own perception of how, of how, how I show up. Now, step four is, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a, it's a resentment inventory. It's a fear inventory. And then it's a conduct inventory emphasis on sex. And then it's the development of an ideal, a future ideal for a relationship ideal, a sex ideal, they call it. Now, I'm not going to get involved in the nuts and bolts of, you know, the four columns and what you put in there. You know, that's, that's really a job for you to go through the book and just, just read the black part. you know work with a sponsor but what I want to share is I want to share why why these inventories were really really profound for me why they were life-changing now I'm showing up in Alcoholics Anonymous and I know I know that the only thing that I'm that I'm barely hanging on to not going to the liquor store I'm barely hanging on to that and I'm going I would drive up to a meeting and what normally would happen in my area was we had the AA meetings in the church basements so I'd pull up and I'd park and I'd have to walk past a bunch of people and go down a bunch of stairs and then walk into a big meeting with a bunch of people and sit down and do the AA meeting and that's okay unless you're me and and I I had anxiety and I had self-centered fear and I was deathly afraid of what you thought of me of what you know you you might think I'm lame and so a lot of times I would pull up to the church and I would sit in the car and and and and I would I would not be able to get out of the car and go down in and then and then there was other there was other experiences there there were there were times in the meetings where I would become incredibly resentful at other members of the AA meetings that I was at this is this is an experience I had my first home group was a home group my sponsor told me to go to and I never mentioned the home the home groups but it was Morristown Friday night and uh and so so I would go to this meeting it was a big meeting 100 people every Friday night and I would go in and it was difficult for me to go in remember but I would go in and I would sit down and no one ever talked to me this is my perception right this is what what I'm thinking no one would ever talk to me and I started to look around I started to notice that there's clicks there's clicks of people there's there's the old-timers who sit around the coffee pot and talk about golf and then there's the younger people they're coming out of the halfway houses that they're all hooking up with each other and you know you know going out for coffee afterward and and I'm just me and I'm just like going to the meeting and then going home and nobody's paying you know screw this meeting and I do I just I'm out I'm out now now think about this it's it's it's like it's like I'm on dialysis screw this dialysis I mean it's that profound really because this is the only thing that's that's keeping me alive and keeping me away from the liquor store barely so the the one smart thing I do is I join another home group I join another home group and this has got people my age you know you know I'm starting to go out to the diners and I'm starting to make some friends at this at this at this home group um and I just never mentioned the name it was Martin uh Martinsville um and and that was a Tuesday and a Friday and and what happened we had about a hundred people in this in this group and one knucklehead decides to start calling those slow painful root canal escapades business meetings you ever you ever been in those like you know somebody's got an issue I got an issue and and and here's and here's what his issue was uh on on Tuesday night they had the group reports the secretary's report but Friday night was a speaker meeting and it was an open speaker meeting so they didn't do all the reports so he would only go to the Friday meeting but they weren't telling them what they were doing with the money and he won't god damn it he wanted to know what was going on with his dollar and so and so he started calling these these these contentious horrible group consciousness and I listen I'm not recovered yet right I haven't gone through the steps yet I can't deal with this type of stuff so I'm going to these meetings and finally you know I'm out of here screw this meeting and you know you know and and I quit that group um it's a you know you know like like it's it's it's a it's unbelievable like like insulin screw this insulin you know it's like that deep of a of a decision but but I made the decision to go to another group and that's the grace of god and and and I I went I I started I started going to uh to the burner the burners will high bottom group uh and and it's a this group was so wrong for me it was so wrong for me it was so wrong for me it was so wrong for me it was so wrong for me on every level it was filled with like rich professionals so I'd be sitting next to a brain surgeon and there'd be an airline pilot you know then there'd be a lawyer and a money manager and a hedge funds owner and there'd be all kinds of like stretch limos and everything and me with my hundred dollar car but this was like this was like the only group left that I didn't quit and uh and you know and there'd be people in that group it'd be it'd be a step right and it'd be the ninth step and I remember this one guy he would do this every time it was beautiful he'd raise his hand he goes my name's so-and-so and I haven't done this step formally but I'm going to share for five minutes on you know what my opinion is on if I ever did do it and it was like like oh my god but but here's what happened while I was in that particular home group I took the step I took the steps I did an inventory I did a fifth step I started to do my amends I started to put together a prayer and a meditation discipline and I started to work with other people and guess what that group was way worse than the first two I stayed there 20 years you know I I didn't resent myself out of AA we resent ourselves out of AA why is a resentment inventory important you know I learned I learned that firsthand walking down the stairs I had that unbelievable anxiety right right up to doing an inventory in a fifth step I had that anxiety I just never I never felt comfortable people looking at me you know and it just there's stuff on tv tonight you know maybe I won't go to a meeting and I would have that fight no I've got to go to the meeting and I had this well I do a fear inventory and that anxiety that anxiety that I had not being comfortable with myself or not being comfortable with my environment all of a sudden now I'm okay and I'm okay in the high bottom meeting sitting next to the brain surgeon you know and I'm all right walking down the stairs into the AA meeting I can I think I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it I can I not only can I face it it starts to become comfortable and it starts to become really a good feeling I'm I'm getting to my group and I why do we do a fear inventory because we're gonna anxiety ourselves right out of here if we don't you know it will get to a point where you know we just say you know I'm just I'm done with this stuff I'm there's something better to do now that the the sex inventory part so so I was not a vision for you you know ladies in the 80s it was it was you know like like it if I went out on a date with you you know I'd be passed out wherever I was about eight o'clock at night that that really that really throws a damper on the whole thing but but once I got sober you know now at least you know I can stay awake I'm gonna start you know getting back involved in life and and I had some I had some relationships in in in early sobriety prior to the step work and it you know it my my instincts my behavior was just so abysmal and my perception of what a relationship is was so wrong you know you you would you would make the enormous mistake of becoming attracted to me and and I would swoop in you know and and and we would consummate this crazy thing and then I would start to control or try to control everything I possibly could about you who are you talking to where were you yeah I'm I'm that guy you know what I mean not that man but I'm that man so like there was really didn't know how to control because now he's lazy like there weren't many people to be comfortable with him usingomes I uh like a 完全straining order guy but pretty damn close the you now and uh and so so I'm having these you know one called two month long relationships battle and but yeah well you know what's wrong with women today you know what's wrong with you know and so uh I'm now a regular kind of flexibility camers and been on the maybe therefore daily篇 for things at the point you know how long they last four months we never actually get to close with those obviously but we have had to together grow we have but there's every would be a new kind ofгрatzn flows on every kind could have they'd be you you know not real like a lot of acting 증 your what's wrong with women for those but their relationship just wouldn't let into that right now so i do i do the relationship myself these very, very important questions. Where was I selfish? You know, what should I have done instead? You know, going through that whole list and being really, really honest. Who did I hurt? How do I, you know, how does my selfishness and self-centeredness manifest in an intimate relationship and cause harm? I had to really start looking at that. I had to start looking at that. And the first relationship I had after doing that particular conduct inventory, I was married to the person for 13 years. I mean, I really was able to, you know, maintain some kind of adherence to being a decent partner. And I, you know, there are some people that are, they're born like, you know, they need to be by themselves. And then there are people, who are drawn to be in a relationship with someone, to be maybe married. And then there are people who have permanently, because of not looking at all this material or not going through all this material and not growing spiritually, who have permanently put themselves in the single category, not even knowing that they've done it. Because of unrecovered relationship stuff. So I'm the type of person, I'm better with someone. And I'm better in a relationship with someone. And I never, ever would have had that opportunity if I hadn't really looked at the conduct inventory and really taken ownership of my mistakes and my faults and my behavior. Listen, it's inconvenient when it's our problem. I know that. You know, it's inconvenient when it's me. I'd much rather it be you. But our problems are not coming at us, they're coming from us. And we really, really need to look deeply at how we behave. And remember what it said on page 174, our drunkenness and our delusion are not going to be it's not going to be a penalty inflicted by your sponsor it's going to come from your personal disobedience to these spiritual principles the spiritual principles of the 12 steps but i'll also say that there's a lot of other principles in our book you know many many principles in our book that aren't actually tied to a step but anyway that's uh that's what i wanted to share on uh on four and five you're welcome green there so hello again probably everyone's done a fourth step but in case someone is new and has not i'm kind of a nuts and bolts kind of gal and we talked about four steps and um at the meetings i was going to we were talking about them and we talked in general around them and i'm always looking for the secret handshake right where is it that you tell me what it is that you're going to do and i'm always looking for the secret handshake right we do really so I told you last night about some of the stuff that got me here and got me to a first step in in relationship stuff and I don't want to make this all about relationships but I think life is about relationships they're not just about intimate relationships they're about relationships with everybody and and how we participate it's one of the glues that makes AA so important is that we build community I see it here beautifully with a sense of strong community holding each other and if we carry that into our communities in general I think it's what part of what made AA the organization that it has been I'm not a fan of meeting makers make it and I'm not a fan of meeting makers make it and I'm not a fan of meeting makers make it not a fan of get to a meeting when you get that 12-step call I'll meet you at a meeting we I think our job is to invite people in to community it's what we have that is so rare and unique then so effective and so useful so how do we bring people into community with us when we're broken ourselves and what we bring is our you know a guy from Ireland said at a workshop two weeks ago we are a box of mad frogs I love the expression and how do we bring people into community to become one of the mad frogs with us right so at the point at which I'm on I'm looking at page 64 where when Chris was talking about getting down to causes and conditions what does that even mean and for a long time I didn't understand what that meant it was booze or no booze I didn't understand that it was booze or no booze I didn't understand that it was booze or no booze I didn't understand what they were referring to so coming from where I emotionally and psychologically came from the fact that I was damaged down to my toenails was a whole different way of looking at alcoholism by damaged I don't mean scarred although that's in there what I mean is that over a period of time I'd picked up coping mechanisms I'd put on armor that made me invulnerable I'd been protecting me from you and everybody else usually causing more pain in the desire to protect me from pain right so we've picked up all kinds of of things along the way along life's journey and on page 64 when we talks about causes and conditions it is not talking about beverage alcohol anymore we're leaving that behind we're talking about getting down to the alcoholic the thing that makes us what we are is not alcohol alcohol is our symptom and our reminder and our our our very deadly thing to overcome but we started on a personal inventory why so we can find out what separates us from God and our fellows I'm convinced and I'm going to give you a lot of Judy's opinion here it may not be and this is important it may not be the way your sponsor does things please listen to your sponsor this is my experience over a period of time and making a personal inventory for me started with not having a sponsor and writing an inventory so I cried myself to sleep every night for about six months in what I now think of was probably journaling but I sort of spewed out all kinds of stuff it wasn't hurtful but it wasn't helpful either I still was stuck with the person I am and I've found that in a lot of cases what I did was try directions without getting directions and still becoming the person I am because I'm still in there so causes and conditions what does that even look like for me so the fourth step asks us to begin to see what separates me from God and my fellows and I didn't understand the great amount of nuance that goes into this inventory which allows us to look at very subtle ways that I am separated from God because of my humanist in using other people using life that has has formed me so if it's an effort to discover the truth about the stock and trade I am the stock and trade in my life so we look for the laws of God and the laws of the universe and the laws of the universe that we can use in our makeup. I didn't figure out how does a flaw in my makeup have anything to do with alcoholism. But it suggests there are areas that I can look at myself and it suggests four specific areas, which if you're in some lineages, you break down into 87 different pieces and you can get into that. I'm too simple for that. I have to tell you I'm pretty basic. But that doesn't invalidate people who do very intensive breaking down of an inventory. I don't want to say one is better, one is worse. This is just the way that it has worked for me. So if resentment is our spiritual granddaddy disease and from it stem all sorts of other things. So here's my visual. Life is a tapestry. And we've got this beautiful tapestry filled with a lot of things. People and landscape and beautiful things. This will now be part of my personal landscape, right? My personal tapestry will include these sources. But what happens when I come along and I've been nursing the resentment since I was six months old and I'm pretty sure something's wrong, but it's not me. And it's always deflected and it's always your fault. I begin to get this thread in my beautiful tapestry that's like rust-filled. And capable of destroying all of the threads around it. And that's kind of my visual because I see things that way. That little rotten thread begins to affect mental, physical, and spiritual aspects of who I am. My tapestry is getting, you've seen beautiful tapestries when they're left to rot. Makes me spiritually sick. When we, when we, when we, when we, when we, when we, when we, when we, when we, when we, when we, when we, when we, when we straighten out spiritually, the mental and physical get better in that order. Not the other way around. Not the other way around. We straighten out spiritually. Well, we don't straighten out like, plonk, one day I am now healed. Let you be healed. I think we morph over a long period of time. I am not the person I was three years ago. I'm a different person. And each time I go through, I'm a different person. I go through the steps and each time, life brings to me what life brings to me. And life will keep bringing stuff, right? You know that. As life brings me these things, I find that what I am is I'm either looking inside for how to cope with the life that has been brought to me, or I'm looking outside for a way to escape and a way to reinforce my baser instincts. And they're pretty solid. I'm really good at blaming you. So, resentment, I got here with a pocket full of them. I didn't know that at first. I thought, as many of us do, you know, I haven't got any resentments. I'm a pretty happy camper. And then I started writing. I was mad at everything on up to the Russian system and the president. You know, it was like everything was on my, was on the things that I listed as resentments. But it says, we asked ourselves why we're angry. And it tells you this. I don't care. And I want to nuts and bolts this just a little. I do not care whether you write in paragraphs or lines or columns. I don't care. I do not worship the process. I use the process. And each of us, I'm a writer, so I write things. And I write them this way. But when we do an inventory, I ask people to start with a list first. Because once I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll. I'm on a roll. Once I want to start thinking about all the things I'm angry at, it's a lot easier for me to write that list. And then we take it, and I ask people to put it on each one on its own piece of paper. We're going to look at that. It's not how everybody does it. It's how I do it. I respect whatever works for you. I want to really be clear on that. But as long as the columns are in that writing, I don't care if you write it in a column or write it this way. I don't even care if you use good punctuation. I don't even care if you use good punctuation or good handwriting or good spelling because it's not important. Just get the darn stuff down there where you can look at them. So what's my cause? Why am I angry? I don't know why I'm angry. I'm just rage-filled. Have you ever noticed how you're angry at something over here, and it pops out over there, and people are saying, you seem angry, and I'm not angry. I'm not angry. I'm not looking at you with angry eyes. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry. I've got no place to put it, and it leaks out. And so I find myself exploding in places that have nothing to do with the source of my anger. So it asks us to write down the things that cause me to be uncomfortable, to be angry. Maybe a small word for some of us. What makes me uncomfortable with you and my fellows? What stuff am I ruining? What stuff am I dominating on that keeps me awake at night? What stuff explodes in my head? And this has gone for a period of time that didn't stop with my first inventory, but it started with my first inventory. So a quick question or a quick little story about growth. I married the man that I loved, loved him deeply. I've always known that we are supposed to be together. From the first time I met him, and we worked together, weren't together i was like yeah but that's the person and i love him and we're a good balance i'm sort of like this and he's sort of germanic and it works and it works solidly you know i'm grounded with him so at 15 or 16 years sober i take the man i love and i find myself googling how long do you hold a pillow over somebody's head because i don't want to disappoint my kids and divorce this man they love so i got to kill him this is perfection at a long time of sobriety turns out he's big and you have to hold the pillow for too long and what i have to do is work a program eventually but i didn't know that and i would wake in the middle of the night with thunderstorms going off in my head and the anger just coming out my face and i'd be like oh my god what's going on my ears and people on this empty couch at the foot of our bed or across the room and i'd wake up and i'd and i'd hear them and they would be saying it's about time you woke up we have to talk and again my kids don't like me saying that but that was how it felt it was like there were voices of anger and resentment reflecting back to me this turmoil that i was in and i couldn't get past so this is not a perfect hill with one step after another is all i'm saying if you're new my answers are clear what i have today is complete faith in this process that i didn't have when i was new but at different levels i've used this term before it's like an archaeological dig we start at the surface and all we can see is the surface and we take a little brush and we whisk away the surface and we take a little brush and we whisk away the surface and we take a little brush and we whisk away the surface and we take a little brush and we whisk away the a little bit of the sand and the debris and the dirt and then a year later we find ourselves down an inch or two digging at something that looks a little different but it's the same thing and we would get away the dirt and the debris and the stuff that is collected from there and it's 16 years I'm down into a whole different place and at 35 I'm down a little deeper and I can see the structure but the process is still the same does that make sense to anybody so it's like we go down starting at a level place it's a dig into the archaeology of my own life in a way and into the spirituality that exists in my being Chris was talking about this what is everybody on earth want I think we all want the same thing now some are finer dreams and some are lesser dreams but what do we all want a roof over our head maybe somebody to love maybe somebody to care about you a sense of purpose and meaning a couple of meals not to go hungry shelter from the storm do you know anybody that doesn't want the same things I think that's for all of us even though those dreams get bigger and they get smaller we want the same things and what gets in the way what separates from those dreams us we are solidly in our own path most of the way so I get to look at this and I was told put down how does this affect my so for five years or so I'm sponsoring people with no program of my own and passing the disease around more than the solution and I am doing this and I see it as a checklist and we're going up self-esteem yep sex relations yep personal check check-check and a sponsee came to me and she said you know I'm checking all those boxes boxes and I'm not getting any better and I don't know how to not do it different and how did not do it the same way and it was a light bulb in my head we are not taking this thing to the depth to which the author of this book intended and later on I learned that there are other ways to look at this with a little different set of eyes I can say how does this affect my self-esteem in other words what's my self-esteem connected to it's connected to looking good it's connected to being a good mother because I wasn't and every time somebody would say some truth I'm irate because it's important to me to maintain the image that I want for myself I'm a big fan of page it's either seventy or 75 where it says more than most people the alcoholic lives a double life and then it goes on to talk about how deep down inside we know that the person we are does not match the person we want to be but we hide that person we stuff it way down inside so that not only others won't notice but that we won't notice I can pretend to Judy that she's the person I want her to be even though I'm not so how does this affect my self-esteem my self-esteem is connected to that person I want to be and I continuously fall short of the mark so I bury that and now I'm hiding from you and I'm hiding from me the truth about myself so it was difficult for me to understand and I was told to write down how does it affect my self-esteem my ambition what is it I secretly want you know I'm one of those lion kinds of people I never admit to what I secretly want I just never did that I would never openly have a conversation about what I would secretly want it was too scary you're gonna tell me no and I can't stand to be told no I've never been able to be I'd rather steal it you know so and security all these questions about security really talked about in this life upon what do I depend I depend on all kinds of things outside of myself your goodwill your approval my looking good my feeling better my my image the appreciation and approval of people I value and people I don't value people I don't even like get the right to vote in my head about did I measure up right so I start putting those things down with an eye towards that and then I can see who's interfering with how I see myself I've put my security in the hands of people I don't even care for well that's a smart move right and so it's it's talking about us having two of those principles that Chris was talking about thoroughness and honesty I haven't got much of either I'm a runner from the truth and I don't have much honesty but that's what we do we take it where we're at my first inventory does not look like an inventory I do today but to the best of my ability I did it with thoroughness and honesty and then it says when we're finished we consider it carefully if I haven't finished I'm not going to consider it yet if I don't consider it I'm not going to consider it if I haven't finished I'm not going to finish and the first thing apparent was how the world and the people were wrong I've known that forever it's always wrong it's always wrong and that was as far as I got and it talks about that so clearly we can't hold this stuff in because the more we fight the worse it gets and I don't use it for holding it in like I need to spill all of my stuff it's the fact that I haven't got an honest bone in my body to look at the life that I'm living because I will disappoint myself and I care as much about me as I ever cared about anybody else probably a whole lot more I do not like to disappoint myself I really want to hold myself up to be a standard person that I'm not so who do I resent I don't I've never been encouraged to do it resentment against myself they're going to tell you that you don't know but I don't know who you're going to be I'm going to be mad at you you're going to be mad at me so are you going to be mad at me So who do I resent I don't I've never been encouraged to do it resentment against myself, I'm going to say, I'm not good at the best, I'm bad at this, I'm not good at it, and if you're going to do it, it's just because I'm going to性 Ever. I'd like to sometimes, but I've never been encouraged to do that. And it asks, is it plain that this resentment is getting in the way of my life? Well, is it plain? No, not for a while. Not for a while. These resentments are useful. The more I can resent you, the less I have to look at me. And the more I can blame you, the more I can put the weight of my problems onto someone else. But our hope, that hope that Chris was talking about, our life is at stake. The alcoholic, how do we grow and maintain a way of living when what we're dealing with is fatal? If I were a diabetic, which I'm not, but if I were a diabetic, it's like saying I'm not taking that darn insulin. I'm absolutely not. It's inconvenient. I am going to postpone that and I'm going to go over here and have what I want to eat. I know I may be dead by morning, but so what, you know? So when harboring these resentments, I shut myself off from the sunlight of the spirit. I'm desperate for some sunlight. That's what brought me here to you is a strong desire for the sunlight I couldn't find in myself, in my soul and in my life as I was living it. So I love the fact that it talks about the fact that it talks about that it talks about something that even righteous indignation, which was my favorite, by the way. Righteous indignation is not something we can do. It's as deadly as any other kind. Righteous indignation allows me to be a victim and superior all at the same time. Isn't that fabulous? I am, little by little, we've pulled the covers on being a victim to anything. And this program, this program does not encourage me into self-pity or victimization, which is where I was for most of the time when I got here. So if my goal is I have to be free of anger, if I can't indulge myself in that, what is it I do instead? And it's really hard to make that transition from blaming everything that happens or happened, my workplace, my home life, my environment, men in general, the ex-husband, life, and it's unfairness to us women. All of these things, when I have blamed all of them, it allows me freedom from self, in what self, from being responsible for myself. I heard somebody at a meeting say, my life is my fault today. And as long as my life is my fault today, the only way that I can get free of what's going on is to deal with what is my fault, and if it is your fault, there's nothing I can do about it. So the freedom comes from allowing me to have my life be my fault. It's also my responsibility, I get that, but as long as I'm not blaming you, I have a chance to make it better. As long as you're at fault, I haven't got a single darn chance. So I haven't got any effect on you. Every Al-Anon knows that. I haven't got any chance of changing you. So we go back to the list, because here's the key to the future, and we ask ourselves, maybe with the help of a sponsor, to look at it with different eyes. And they come down to simple daily things, principles like, did I criticize, condemn, or assault anybody today? Did I complain about anybody today? How am I living that living thing? So, I think we then do this turnaround thing people are talking about. We have some questions. What are my mistakes? Am I selfish? And I look for my faults. We answer all the questions, they're clear in the book, and then we move into fear. And what about fear? Am I talking too long? What about fear? So I was taught, and this is how I was taught, if I look at fear, am I okay on time? Okay. Thank you. I appreciate that. So we ask ourselves some questions. They're real clear. The instructions are clear. We asked ourselves some questions. We put the fear on paper. What am I afraid of? I don't know about you, but I'm afraid of everything. You know, I'm afraid of success. I'm afraid of failure. I'm afraid of intimacy. I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of vulnerability. I'm afraid of being a piece of concrete. I'm afraid of all these things together. They're opposite. No wonder I'm a little complexly confused. You know, I have, everything is in opposites. I'm afraid of both sides of the same coin. So we put down what am I afraid of, and then why am I afraid of it. And for me, I find out that most of the stuff I'm afraid of is because I think I'm going to be heard about something, and I will do anything to avoid pain, even create pain. To avoid pain. So we ask ourselves why we had these. And then we have some questions. How has self-reliance failed me? What have I done about this? How has self-reliance failed me? If I do this in context, we see that self-reliance only goes so far, and then it makes me arrogant, and makes me superior, and I blame you. So that one didn't work. And the book says, when it made us cocky, it made us work. Ultimately, it says, what am I selfishly trying to do? And that's my part of the fear inventory as well. What am I selfishly trying to achieve? I am trying to achieve a place, always, where I am free from harm, free from feeling bad, where I am insulated from the risk of living. And it is only in you, and it is only in your company, that I find I now can take the risk of living. I am much bolder than I was when I got here. Offensively so, sometimes. But that comes from believing that I have a God that walks with me most of the time, and I didn't start there. Without that, you realize just how fragile you are. Anybody ever been in a car accident, or an assault, and you realize, that skin is really thin. We are easily, easily injured. And then you get frightened, and it takes a while to pull that illusion of being in control back together again. And we get here and we rip away that illusion. You are not in control, and you're never going to get it back. That's even worse. We've got to have a higher power in order to get through this kind of stuff. And with each one of these steps, my ability to get to a higher power has to deepen. Because life is a difficult thing. It's the boot camp for us, right? How are we going to get through that if we don't grow something big enough to depend on in all cases? So very briefly, I want to talk about my way of doing a conduct inventory. Because there's this little paragraph about sex, and then I find there's a lot of juice involved in reviewing our own conduct over years past. So pull out the drawers of your memory. Where have we been selfish? Where have we been dishonest? Where have we been inconsiderate? I find those are really innocuous words until I realize, when have I considered anybody else? Exactly. Makes a great tense step, right? Where have I been considerate has never come up, because I'm always trying to serve me and my insecurities. Whom have I hurt? Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy? Or suspicion? Or bitterness? You bet, and enjoyed it. Ooh. Ooh. Where were we at fault? That's another question, and what should I have done instead? It gives me kind of a completion to looking at my life. If I robbed a bank, where else would I put it down? You know, where had I done? There's some things that for me didn't fit into the sex category that I start looking at conduct. And I find my conduct through my life has been pretty poor. My conduct, my conduct has been self-serving. I have used everything and everybody in front of me as far as I could to fill the gaps of who I was or wasn't, to make me safe, to make me immune from harm. And that included people. It included all kinds of things. So for me, this was a profound inventory to do. Then it takes me back to my sex life, and I have this new information that says, here's how I treated everybody, parents, bosses, whatever, children. I used them to satisfy my own needs for security. Ooh, that's hard to look at. But I've never had an honest, just equal-equal partnership with another human being. It was a profound thing for me. So I begin to build an ideal. What does that ideal look like? Well, how about an equal partnership? Hmm. I have strengths. Other people have strengths. How about sometimes I get to lead, sometimes I get to follow, in trust that we all between us are better than any one of us alone? So we leave God to be the judge. It talks about my behavior has to change or I'm sure to get drunk. My behavior has to change. So there's turnarounds. There's ways of looking at my behavior and for me, if we've written all this down, we've written down a lot. And then we get to talk about how do we take, you know, this gross or handicapped thing that the book talks about. I see gross or handicapped. I love to garden. I'm such a peasant. And you pull all those weeds at the beginning, like clearing away in this house. You know, you'd pull all the big weeds, and what happens is the small weeds show up. So you think you get it all done by pulling away at your gross or handicaps, and then you find they're still handicaps. They're just a little more subtle. And that shows up next. And every now and then I get to revert back to where I want to be armored up, and I start making all those same mistakes. But that's a story for a six step. So we avoid hysterical thinking or advice. I am proud to say that most of the people that I sponsor are bad girls. And most of them are girls who don't behave and don't like to take direction. Not all of them, but most of them are people that have been spending their life acting out. It's perfect for me. It's absolutely perfect. And I love that about them. They're acting people. They act in life. They're not passive. And I wouldn't know what to do with passive people so much. But most of the girls I know are really involved, and they're involved in service, and they're women of the book, and they're people of action. And they take that same tendency to take out into the world with you. And we do a fifth step in various ways. Because we're not all cookie cutters. Sometimes I've sat down and tried to be silent. Some of you have done that. I have a friend that paid somebody a quart of scotch to listen to his fifth step. He met him on a street corner. And somebody else who did his with one of my, David Bernheimer, who did his with an Episcopal priest. And he had 22 pages of legal pad. Thank God it was the priest. He was stuck. And some of us spend lots of time, some of us, and I've seen people who've written their inventory in the back of an envelope. I want to respect each of those efforts. I really want to respect each one. Is that exactly how I would do it? Some people write copious amounts. Some people would be better with four words. You know, people find the route that allows them to get to the meat of this material. I do not care what the form is. We can cut to the chase, right? We can cut to that. I will have an opinion. I will have an opinion because you have taught me to listen. I have sponsors. I have mother ears. And they listen differently than my mother ears. They listen differently than my wife ears. But when I can approach my life as a sponsor, all of my relationships are better. If I can be a sponsor when I'm speaking with the people closest to me instead of a know-it-all, if I can listen, you've taught me to listen, and I gain much, and we both have a better relationship. I think that works pretty well for me. But it's the fifth step, and you've taught me to be that. AA has made me a better speaker, or a better listener. Okay. So my fifth steps are not the same. You know, people do their own way. I know people who get a room at a hotel, and they plan on spending the weekend, and they go through everything, and they get a spa treatment and then go back for more. That's never been my style. There's all kinds of ways to do a fifth step. The point is, are you getting to the truth of the material? If you and I are in an intimate relationship, as sponsorship is, we are in each other's lives, in each other's business, and I will share with you pretty much what I know when I know it. I don't always know it, but once I'm there, if I know my answers, I'm willing to share all of those or my own experiences. Once I know my experience, I can share it with someone. But I think pointedly our fifth step takes so much willingness and courage that it's not a brutal experience. I want to love you the way God loves me. I want to bring that. It's a gentle sense of truth, but truth it is. And so I've heard all those old sponsors Chris was talking about. You know, get the pen. And I've tried to be that for a long time. I got to tell you, I heard fabulous sponsor stories, and I tried to be that. And I fell on my little alcoholic nose every time because I couldn't be somebody else's experience in this thing. And my sponsor was the kind of sponsor who encouraged each person to be the person God would have them be. Not a cookie cutter of me or anybody else, but how do we each become the person, the unique? And there is a uniqueness. Nobody else has somebody else's complete experience, genetics, and background. So how do we get to become the person God intended us to be? So one of the big stories that, and you've probably all heard it, but I'd like to repeat it. It's kind of an homage. It's perfect for a fifth step talk, which is this story of Michelangelo. You all probably know that one, but Michelangelo is standing there on the corner with this giant marble, beautiful glistening white thing, and David's half out of the marble. And he's like that, you know, and you can see this strong, manly character literally pulling himself out of the marble. And a guy walks up and he says, ah, how did you know that guy was in there? He says it in Italian. How did you know he was in there? And Michelangelo says, oh, I did not. I just started removing all the parts of him that weren't David. So with us as the willing block of stone, and God is the sculptor, we have the chance to let life chip away from us the parts of us that are not true to our soul and our spirit. And become the person God would have each of us be. So thank you for letting me share. Five minutes early, sorry. Thank you so much.