Step 4 Showed Him He Was Immobilized by Fear – Howard P.

About This Speaker Tape

Sumner County, Kansas, and a ruined wheat crop. Howard P. spent his childhood believing he had personally caused a hailstorm through a failure of prayer, an ego problem that convinced him he was separate from any Higher Power. He became a "loser's loser," terrified to ask for what he wanted until whiskey provided a chemical shortcut to confidence. For years, he used the bottle to mask an immobilizing fear, climbing the corporate ladder from process analyst to senior engineer on a diet of half-pints that made him feel smart until the slurring started.

The wreckage peaked with a convulsive seizure in a shower and the theft of government equipment. Howard describes his rock bottom as quicksand stretching in every direction. After a rescue by a friend in a pickup truck, he fought the program with a philosopher's cynicism. It wasn't until Step 4 that he realized he wasn't a victim of his father's belt, but a man paralyzed by fear.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Howard P. opens with a joke about fabricating Big Book page numbers for credibility.
• 3:15 The baby elephant metaphor and the concept of limiting beliefs.
• 6:20 Recounting the childhood belief that he caused the Kansas wheat crop to fail.
• 11:40 The discovery of 'whiskey-smart' and using alcohol to write engineering reports.
• 17:10 The bottom: a convulsive seizure in the shower and the theft of federal equipment.
• 21:30 Meeting Kenny S. and the first introduction to the Culver City Studio Group.
• 26:45 Laughter: Discussion of the 'insane obsessive belief' that one can control drinking.
• 30:10 The struggle with the 'real world' and resistance to the concept of a Higher Power.
• 33:40 Learning to 'love the rain' through the stories of other members.
• 36:15 Working the 4th Step and realizing fear was the primary problem.
• 38:20 The act of returning the stolen equipment and the relief of the weight of the earth lifting.
• 41:00 Final reflections on meditation and the lack of separation between self and Higher Power.