Step 4 Sexual Inventory – Big Book Workshop – Part 7 of 8 – Joe C.

Maybe we're not too keen about sex every time our partner wants to, and rather than consider their needs, wants, and desires, we selfishly withhold sex when sometimes maybe we ought to give in a little more often. Many ways we hurt people in the sexual area. I think we all pretty well know what they are, and I think that we know who we've hurt, and if we simply column one, we just simply make a list of those that we've heard. Column two, what did I do? You know, if we remember who we hurt, we certainly remember what we did. So in column two, we just put down what we dead to hurt them. Then we go to column three. Now I think this might be one of the most revealing things we could do to ourselves or for ourselves is the filling out of this column three which part of self is affected. Now you would think that if I do anything in a sexual area that hurts another human being, it would be caused by the sex instinct and i guess once in a while that's probably true sometimes in order to get the physical emotional gratification that comes at the moment of the completion of the sex act i might be doing the wrong thing at the wrong time with the wrong person because of the sexy instinct but i think if i carefully look at each one of these situations i'm probably going to find that the other two instincts are involved just as much as sex and in many cases even more so and sometimes sex really doesn't have anything to do with it. Now I'm going to express an opinion and I want to be sure that everybody understands it's my opinion. It's not AA's opinion, not Joe's opinion. It's my opinions. I'm convinced today that God gave us the sex urge so that we can reproduce ourselves. We couldn't survive without it. I'm also convinced he made it a very pleasurable thing, so we would do so. I don't think you and I would do the kind of work involved in sex if we didn't get some kind of reward for doing so. That's a lot of work, it really is. Very hard, very strenuous activity. And that great feeling that we get at the moment of successful completion of the sex act, both physically and emotionally is one of the great rewards we get for doing sex. Now, if we're doing sex for purposes other than reproduction or enjoyment, then chances are we might be doing sex for purposes rather than what God intended. Let me give you a for instance. We boys found out at a very early age that you could use sex to build your self-esteem. After all, the more members of the opposite sex you can attract to yourself, the greater man you really are, we thought. Now, we've always called that John Wayne-ism. I don't know what your girls call it. Jane Wayne. Jane Wayne, Joseph. But many of you girls tell me that you use sex for the same purposes. Now, if we're using it to build our self-esteem, that has nothing to do with reproduction or enjoyment. That's to fulfill a part of the social instinct. And sex really doesn't have a hell of a lot to do with that. and sometimes we use sex to buy a personal relationship maybe we're just lonesome we want somebody to pay attention to us we found out a long time ago that we can give sex and buy back a personal relationship now that has nothing to do with reproduction or enjoyment that's to also fulfill a part of the social instinct sex really doesn't have a hell of a lot to do with that but sometimes we use sex to uh to get even with another human being we found we're in a situation we find out our partners gone out and done something they shouldn't do in a sexual area and we say we'll show them and we'll go out and do identically the same thing in order to get evil with them the fallacy and it is is after we've done it we can't afford to tell them we did it but certainly that wasn't to reproduce nor to enjoy that was to get even with another human being sometimes we use sex to buy material security maybe we're in a sexual situation we really would rather not even be in though we become so overly dependent upon another human being for our material well-being that we give sex to by back material well-beings has nothing to do with reproduction or enjoyment all right you know it's really really sex doesn't have a lot to do with that. Sometimes we use sex to force our will on another human being. Maybe our partner's done something and we don't think they should do so or they're not doing what we want them to, and we say we'll show them. We'll just cut them off at the pass and we won't let them have any sex until they come around to our way of thinking. Now, we boys aren't very good at that. We only last about two days. But you girls have honed it to perfection. You know exactly how to do that. It has nothing to do with reproduction or enjoyment. that's the force of our will on another human being. I was absolutely amazed in the third column to look in there and see what I had really been using sex for. And I always thought I was over-sexed. No, I wasn't over-sexed, I was under-secure. And I used sex to build my security. I used it to build relationships. I used sexual sex to built my personal relationships. I used them for purposes other than what God intended, not because I'm a bad human being, but because I am a sick human being in those areas. and I needed that sex to build that self-esteem. And when I saw that, two things started happening to me almost immediately in the third column. Number one, a lot of my guilt began to disappear. I thought I was just a dirty, rotten, no good SOB. But I found out that isn't true. I use sex for purposes other than what God intended because I'm sick, not because I'm a bad human being. The other thing that happened to me is when I really began to see what I was using sex for, it began to look kind of dumb to do that and the desire to go out and do it at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong people began to become less and less and less and I started getting my handle on this sexual thing right here in this third column I think it's one of the greatest things we can do especially we men we definitely use this sex to build our self-esteem no ifs, ands, or buts about that column four what feelings did I create in others Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? What should I have done instead? You know, not only are we looking to see what we've done in the past that hurt others. We're trying to shape a new sex life in the future so we can engage in it, enjoy it, and not hurt others So not only do we need to look at what we have done inthe past, we look to see, well, what should Ihave done in place of that? What shouldIhave done instead of that?" Column 5. Same basic character defects. If I wasn't so selfish, I wouldn't have to do those things that end up hurting another human being. If I weren't so dishonest, I wouldn' t be lying to me and everybody around me about this sex thing. If I wan' t such a self-seeking and frightened individual, I wouldn'' t be needing that extra sex in order to build my self-esteem. If I was not so inconsiderate of other human beings, Perhaps I wouldn't go out and do those things that hurt other people. Just think, if I would become a little less selfish, a little more self-centered, a little bit less dishonest, a little left self-seeking and frightened, a little lesson considerate, then maybe I can start getting a handle on this thing, still engage in sex in the future and enjoy it, but not end up hurting a bunch of other people and they're going to retaliate and I'm going to resent and I want to fear and I wanna be filled with guilt and remorse and eventually it's going to block me off from God. It's not a question of what's right and wrong. It's a question of what can we do and live with this without ending up becoming insane and going back to drinking again over and over and over again. And the book goes on to say on page 69 he said in this way the way Charlie in the book just described in thisway we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected in each relation to this test, was it selfish or not? Prayer is going to be used three different times. See, the book doesn't care how you do it. If you want to do it hanging upside down from a tree limb by your toe nails, that's okay. We ask ourselves this one question, was its selfish or not if it's for pure selfish reasons, we're probably going to hurt somebody else in doing so So prayer is going be used three different time in this area. Here's the first one See, we ask God to mold our ideals and help us to live up to them We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly in order to be despised and loathed. Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willful to make amends where we've done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we treat sex as we would any other problem. More prayer. In meditation, we ask God what we should do for each specific matter. The right answers will come if we want it. Now, God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with other persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. You know, this is an area where I don't think we need a whole lot of advice. I've never been in a sexual situation yet that was wrong that I didn't know it was wrong before I ever got into it. Didn't keep me from getting into it, but I knew it was wrong before I ever got into it. I think all we've got to do is listen to that voice inside ourselves, and we'll know what we should do and what we shouldn't do. If you start asking other people for sexual advice, you ask six different people, you're going to get six different answers. And then you're gonna have to choose which one of them you're going to follow. I think what we really need to do is just listen to the voice inside. And it tells us what we should do what we shouldn't. Besides that, I can't think of a worse place in the world to get sexual advice than in Alcoholics Anonymous. Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble. Does this mean we're going to get drunk? Well, some people tell us so, but this is only half-truth. It depends on us and our motives. Now, if we're sorry for what we've done and have an honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we'll be forgiven and have learned our lesson. If we're not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others, we're quite sure to drink. We are not theorizing. These are facts of our experience. Now to sum up about sex, and here's some more prayer. So we earnestly pray for the right ideal for guidance in each questionable situation for sanity and the strength to do the right thing. If sex is very troublesome, we throw ourselves harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves. It quiets the horny condition. No, excuse me. It quiests the imperious urge When to yell would mean heartache. Old Bill used a lot of fancy words, didn't he? Okay, we're doing again here on this sex inventory that we did with resentments and fears. We're in the process of doing step four. This is the sexual part of it. So up at the top of the sheet, we'll put forward, again out in the fifth column, we see the exact nature of the wrong we're going to talk to another human being about. The wrong is the thing that we've done to hurt another person. But what's the inherent characteristic of it? What's at the core of it, what's behind it? Also in the fifth column, we see the character defects we're going to become willing to turn loose of in step six. We see the shortcomings we're gonna ask God to take away in step seven in the 5th column. Quite naturally, all the names in column one now will come off of this sheet and be added to the sheet to be used later on for Steps 8 and 9. So once again, I've given myself everything I need now for 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 sexual harms-wise. The other thing that amazed me is I kept seeing a lot of the same names appearing on all three sheets. Never had I tied that together in my head before. Barbara was on all 3 sheets. I even had the Internal Internal Revenue Service on all 2 sheets. I resented them and I feared them and I gave a pretty good screw before I got through with it now the book doesn't tell us to do this but we're going to suggest one more sheet you know there are some other people that we've harmed that really hasn't appeared on these sheets yet some of them were on a resentment sheet some on fears and some on sex, but there's probably some others that we've hurt. So it hadn't appeared on any of these sheets yet. Maybe somebody we stole from or maybe somebody we undercut them and took their job away from them or many, many different ways we've heard people other than just sexual. And by the time we get to 8 and 9, we're going to have to have a complete full list anyhow. So we're gonna suggest another little sheet and we call it a review of harms other than sexual. those we stole from, those we undercut them and took their jobs away from them, those we borrowed money and didn't pay back, all the different ways we have of hurting other human beings. Column 1, we make a list of them. Column 2, what did I do to hurt them? Column 3, which part of self caused me to do so? Column 4, what feelings did I create in others? And eventually in the column 5, the exact nature of the wrongs. what character defect is involved here. When we get through that, then we're going to have a complete inventory. We're doing four again. Now in column five, we see the information that we need again for step five, six, and seven. And quite naturally, the names in column one will be used later on for steps eight and nine. Now when we're through with this, and we've done a complete inventory. We've got all the information we need for steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. And now then we can get on with the rest of the program. But until we do this, we just can't do so. The book says if we've been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. He didn't say it, but we've listed and analyzed our fears. We listed and analyzed are sexual harms. We've listed and analyzed harms done to others other than sexual. Now a lot of people don't like the word analyze. They say well, utilize and don't analyze. And what they're saying is quit sitting around talking about it and get on with the business. But here the use of the word analyzed is simply another word to be used for truth. We've taken a truthful honest moral, analytical inventory. When the detective comes to a crime scene to investigate, they analyze the crime scene. They're trying to get down to the truth of it. That's all the word means here. We've looked at the truthful inventory. We've begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. Now here's a positive result. And again we emphasize there's nothing negative about any step. As we go through them and we get positive results. We have begun to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies. My God, what a personality change for an alcoholic to begin to learn tolerance, patience, and good will toward all people and all men even our enemy for we look on them as sick people. We have listened to people we've hurt by our conduct and are willing to straighten out the past if we can. In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you're convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from him. If you've already made a decision, this is step three, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, step four, you have made a good beginning. That being so, you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. And I think here's where the book recognizes we're never going to do a perfect step forward. We've listed and analyzed, looked at our grosser handicaps. Which is our resentments and our fears and our sexual harms and our harms done to other people other than sexual. We'velisted and analyzed and looked at our gross or handicaps column five, our selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightening, inconsiderate attitudes. One great mistake people are making in AA today is they're sitting around waiting till they get well so they can do step four perfect. and they got the cart before the horse we'll never do step four perfect we do the best we can here following these instructions in the book and at least we have been able to look at and come to terms with some of the grosser things that really block us off from God not only have we looked at them we've gotten rid of some things here we've got rid of resentments we got rid of fear to the level God intended for it to be so we've had some positive changes all the way through here Now, later on, there's going to be another step where we're going to inventory for the rest of our lives, period. The best we can do here is do the best we Can. And then we'll re-home that as we go through the rest of the program for the Rest of Our Lives show. Yeah, I don't know whether you all have noticed or not, but nearly all the information in the big book on sex is on page 69. Did you ever notice that? I don't know that that has any significance, but that's where it is. We heard a story about a young lady, and hey, she went to her sponsor and said, Sponsor, I've got a problem with this sex thing. Her sponsor said, What is it? She said, Well, sober. I don' t know what to do. Don' t Know how to act or anything else. Anything I've ever done in the sexual area has been while drinking, and I just don' te know what do about it. Her sponsor says, Well why don't you go home and get out your big book. Read page 69, and it will answer any questions you might have in a sexual area. So the young lady went home, got out the big book, and proceeded to read, but she got confused on page numbers. Instead of page 69 she read page 96. Just for the hell of it, why don't you go to 96 and see what she read? I think that's one of the most appropriate things I've ever read. It just goes on and on and off and on. All right. Now that we've got these inventory sheets all filled out now, Now that we've made a few changes, let's see what we're going to do with these inventory sheets. We're going through step five and then we'll take a break. Let's see where we're gonna do with his inventory sheets now. We can tell what you Californians are interested in. Same thing that they are in Oklahoma and Arkansas. Okay, page 72. This chapter is called Into Action. It's not into thinking but into action. And action is a magic word. So having made our personal inventory, what should we do about it? That's a good question, isn't it? Well, we've been trying to get a new attitude. And remember again, we're trying to find a way to do that. We've been finding some new ideas, emotions, and attitudes. So we're finding a new entity and a new relationship with our Creator. Remember back on page 45, it said the main object of this book was enabling me to find the power greater than myself which would solve my problem. And to discover the obstacles in our path and what have been some of those obstacles, the resentment and the fear and the harm done to other people. And we have admitted in a certain defect. And what were those defects? Selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightening and inconsiderate attitudes. And we've ascertained in a rough way what the trouble is. We put our finger on the weak items in our personal inventory. Now these are about to be cast out. This requires action on our part which when completed will mean that we admit it to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our defects. This brings us to the fifth step in the program of recovery mentioned in the preceding chapter. Okay, we're going to stop here now and look at a couple of words. We know that Step 5 says we admit it to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nurture of our wrongs. But you'll notice here in the narrative on Step 5, he said we've admitted to God to ourselves and to not a human being the exact natura of our defect. In the step he uses the word wrongs, in the narrative he uses the word defects. People used to ask Bill about this. We've known two ladies that worked with and for Bill for years, and they both tell us the same thing, that people would say to Bill, Bill, how come you use the word wrongs in the step five and you use a word defects in a narrative on five? And by the way, Bill, what's the difference anyhow between a wrong in five, a defect in six, and a shortcoming in seven? And they both say that Bill would just kind of rear back and smile. And he would say, when I took English and writing courses in college, they taught me not to use the same words over and over. It shows how dumb you are. He said there's no difference in these things. He said in step four, we're going to find those things that block us off from God. In step five, we'll talk about them to another human being. In step six, we will be willing to turn them loose. And in step seven, we are going to ask God to take them away. And he said, you can call it anything you want to. A wrong, a fault, a mistake, a defect, a shortcoming, a personality flaw, or whatever you wish to. And we're going to notice on the next few pages now that's exactly what he does. He uses these words interchangeably back and forth. I followed it up into the 12 and 12. Thirteen years later, he did the same thing, only he does it even worse in the 12th and 12th than he did here in the big book. So we're convinced that in Bill's mind, These things are all the same. It makes no difference what we call them, a defect, a shortcoming, or whatever. The book goes on to say this is perhaps difficult, especially discussing our defects, did it again right there, with another person. We think we've done well enough at admitting these things to ourselves. There's doubt about that. In actual practice, we usually find that a solitary self-appraisal is insufficient. Many of us aren't necessary to go much further. We will be more reconciled discussing ourselves with another person when we see good reason why we should do so. The best reason first, if we skip this vital step, we may not overcome drinking. That's probably a good reason enough right there to do the fifth step. But the main reason to do it is because the fifth tip I think is that a solitary self-appraisal is insufficient. I did the very best I could do with my limited knowledge when I took the inventory process. I didn't do it perfectly and I've never heard of or seen anyone in AA that's ever done it perfectly. I just did the best I could at the time. A solitary self-appraisal is insufficient, and I have to get another human being to help me see things about me that I couldn't see. To give you for instance, I can look around this room here this morning and I've seen several little defective characters running around here. There's nothing... One sitting right here on the front row. Yeah, right there. Yeah. The defective character. I mean, there's nothing between me and you except there. I can see it perfectly. And if I had any defects of character, I'm sure you could see mine. But the problem is, between you and me there's nothing but air. Between me and me is a lifetime of rationalizations and justifications and I just can't see past that. That's why I need another individual to help me see things that I can't See. A solitary self-appraisal was insufficient. He goes ahead to say that time after time and newcomers have tried to keep to themselves certain facts about their lives. Trying to avoid this kind of experience, they've turned to easier methods. Almost invariably, they got drunk. Having persevered with the rest of the program, they wondered why they fell. We think the reason is that they never completed their housecleaning. They took inwards away all right, but hung on to some of the worst items in stock. They only thought they'd lost their egoism and fear. They only though they'd humbled themselves, but they had not learned enough of humility, fearlessness, and honesty in the sense we find it necessary until they told someone else all their life story. Now that last little statement about all their live story is what confused us on step four. Not knowing how to do four, not knowing the instructions, we took that to mean we go back and write our life stories. And as I said yesterday, that's what I did. But 95% of my life story really has nothing to do with my alcoholism. alcoholism. In fact, I was born in 1929. It's got nothing to do with my alcoholism, the fact that I graduated high school and went directly into the service. That's got nothing to be with it, but they very effectively covered up the 5% of dead. So I really learned nothing from the writing of my life story, but I tell you what I have done now. If I've done this inventory the way the book says to do it, I'd share all my life stories resentment-wise. Those resentments didn't come in my head just today or yesterday. They've been popping in my head as far back as I can remember. I've shared all my life story resentment-wise. Same way with fears. Fears didn't come in my hand just yesterday. Those fears have been popping in my mind as far back as i can remember I've share it all my life story fear-wise wrongs done to others I've been hurting people all my life. My mother told me one time she said Charlie you were the meanest kid I ever saw. She said I had a little trouble loving you myself and when mama has trouble loving you you're doing some things that you shouldn't be doing i've shared all my life story harms wise i've share it on my life story sexual wise i shared all of my life's story in all areas that count when it comes to this inventory process so we have no quarrel over that statement at all but now here's here's really why we need somebody else to help us with this more than most people the alcoholic leads a double life he's very much the actor to the outer world he presents his stage character this is the one he likes his fellas to see he wants to enjoy a certain reputation but knows in his heart he doesn't deserve it you know when we're out there drinking and doing our thing alcohol lowering the inhibitions we do things that we normally would not do we're trying to live two lives we're try to live a sober life when we are out there doing our thang we're trying to live a drunk life, and it absolutely drives us out of our mind. The inconsistency is made worse by the things he does on his sprees. Coming to his senses, he's revolted at certain episodes he vaguely remembers. These memories are a nightmare. He trembles to think someone might have observed him. As fast as he can, he pushes these memories far inside himself. He hopes he will never see the light of day. He is under constant fear and tension, and that makes for more drinking. Psychologists are inclined to agree with us. We spent thousands of dollars for examinations. We know but few instances where we've given these doctors a fair break. We have seldom told the whole truth, nor have we followed their advice. Unwilling to be honest with these sympathetic men, we were honest with no one else. Now, we'd go to a psychiatrist and pay them. I don't know what it costs now. It used to be $75 an hour, a lot more than that now, though. We'd go lay down with the psychiatrist, lay down on the couch, pay him $75 and lie to him for the whole damn hour. We're there. We're not about to tell them or anybody else the truth. you know let's face it we alcoholics have become the world's greatest con artists you have to if you're going to be a practicing alcoholic you've got to learn how to lie you've Got to learn How To Con You've Got To Learn How To Manipulate You've Gotta Learn How to Steal You've got To Become A Good Con Artist To Be A Practicing Alcoholic And I Think The One We Have To Con The Most Is Ourselves I Don't Think You And I Could Live With Ourselves If We Had To See What's Going On and we're out there doing our thing. But you see, we never have to see that. We've got a convenient little thing called resentments and we play them over and over in our head and transfer all blame to others and then we can go ahead and live the kind of life we want to live. Now if you've been doing that for 5, 10, 15, 20, 30, 40 years and you come to AA and you do Step 4 you'll be just as honest with yourself as you possibly can but I think we need to face the fact it's impossible for us to be honest with ourselves. It's impossible for any human being, much less we alcoholics, to be completely honest with ourselves. We've got layers and layers and layers of rationalization, justification, conning and lying to overcome before we can ever be completely honestly with ourselves What we really need to do now is take step forward. Take it to another human being one who's walked this walk before us One who understands steps 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9 according to the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. They in turn can help us see those things within ourselves that we simply cannot see. They can look at it from an outside, honest perspective which we cannot do. Now they're probably not going to change anything in column 1. Probably not goingto change anythingin column 2. They'll probably change some things in column 3. In one case, I said this was caused by the sex instinct. He said, oh, no, no. You're just trying to build your self-esteem here. That's all you're doing with that. He helped me see those things I couldn't see. Probably not going to change anything in four, but he'll probably change some things in column five, he or she, whoever the case might be. In one place, I asked him, I said, this was cause by my fear. And he said, no it isn't. He said this is plain damn dishonesty. That's how it is. He helped see things I could not see about myself. That's really the purpose of step five. Now, I know confession is good for the soul. I know if you belong to a religion that requires it, you probably ought to go do it. But I still think we ought to take step four to somebody else in AA who really understands this process and can help us see those things we can't see. Page 74. We're not going to go through that page because it talks about in 1939 how to find somebody to take Step 5 with. In 1935, there were no AA sponsors. In 1939, there were no AA sponsors out here in California. First person got the book and when they did their four and started for a five, they didn't know who to see to have them do the step five. That's what this page is all about. But today we've got plenty of good, responsible AA sponsors that understand this process. I think that's the best one to go to. Page 75, it tells us how to do step five. Page 75 says, when we decide who is to hear our story, we waste no time in moving us right along here. We have a written inventory and are prepared for a long talk. We explain to our partner what we're about to do and why we have to do it. He should realize that we are engaged upon a life and death errand. Most people approached in this way will be glad to help. They will be honored by our competence. And I'll never forget when I called my sponsor Franklin asking if I could come over and do the fifth step, he served certainly he was glad to have me over there so we i went over to his house which was some ways away and i sat down with franklin and then asked him we were ready to do the fifth step he said sure and so he said let's do the third step together and we did the third step prayer together asking god to be a part of this process and now this is where these forms really do come in handy here at the fifth step area now we can discuss these with another human being from left to right all the way across one item at a time one person at the time all the way across and they can help you see more about yourself that you couldn't see they can help you change things that need to be changed or add two things that needed to be added to or to help you to see things through long conversation and we can talk about these things along as long as we wish we can tell all our life story in these areas one at a time one all the way to the bottom gleaning all the information we can do out of that it's a wonderful wonderful process and our book says that we pocket our pride go and do it illuminating every twist of character past every dark cranny of the past once having taken this step with holding nothing we were delighted here's some more promises by the way we can look the world in the eye we can be alone in perfect peace and ease our fears fall from us we begin to feel nearness of our creator we may have had certain spiritual beliefs but now we begin to have a spiritual experience that feeling of the drink problem has disappeared would often come strongly we feel they're walking on the broad highway walking hand in hand with the spirit of the universe and i'll never forget when i left there's about eight hour drive back to my home and i thought about the process that we've been doing up to this point and what had happened and i reflected back when i was drinking and before how i used to lay awake nice thinking about all these people what i was going to do to them and how i was gonna get even with them all those resentments i thought about my first wife who i came home after having been gone for three months that was bad to drink and stay gone and i come home and knew she'd be lonely and be glad to see me i mean wouldn't you be really i mean i knocked on the door and she kind of peaked out well i just broke right in there and there's an old boy in my recliner watching my TV with my wife in my house. And, well, what are you going to do? I did. I dropped on that old boy. He liked to beat me to death in my own living room floor and put me out and told me not to ever come back. And I'm making payments on all that. Boy, I used that for a long time. Carried that kind of information into my next marriage. But I used to lay away thinking about all this. I mean, just run it through my head over and over and over and go through and go through. I was finally able to sit down and talk to another human being about this in great detail how I felt and what happened. Of course, I could see it was my fault mostly, the things that I did and he helped me see those things. But the best thing about it is I can see to the future now. I can say the steps coming up. I can make it all right one more time. And that's all I ever really wanted was to get it right onemore time. Make it right. Make amends. get things right, that I knew if I could get them right, then I'd have peace of mind and serenity. But before this process, I didn't know how. I just didn't knows how or what to make amends for, really. But he helped me see those things that I couldn't see. Thank God for the fifth step. It's a great step. One of the best things I can possibly do for me is the fifth step. If you've done step four and five the way the big book says to do it, now you've down a lot of work and you probably need a little rest, and the book's going to give us a little rest stop. Returning home, we find a place where we can be quiet for an hour. He didn't say 72 days, did he? For an hour, carefully viewing what we've done. We thank God from the bottom of our heart that we know him better. We don't know him yet, but we know he's there. We know him well and we know Him better. Taking this book down from our shelf, we turn to the page which contains the 12 steps. Carefully reading the first five proposals or first five steps. we ask if we've admitted anything for we're building an arch through which we shall walk a free man at last is our work solid so far are the stones properly in place have we skimped on the cement put into the foundation have we tried to make mortar without sand once again referring now to this wonderfully effective spiritual structure through which were going to pass to freedom step one willingness was the foundation step two bleeding was a cornerstone Step three, he told us, was an arch. And step three was a keystone. And now we've put some more stones in place. So we're building this thing as we go through the steps. You don't have to wait until you get to step 12 to get something out of this. Every action step carries a positive happening within that step itself. Absolutely amazes me. Okay, let's go over to page 76. Joe said do 6 and 7 and it won't take but just a little bit to do them and then we'll break on page 76 if we can answer our satisfaction we then look at step 6 we have emphasized willingness as being indispensable are we now ready to let God remove from us all the things which we have admitted are objectionable can he not take them all every one if we still cling to something we will not let go we ask God to help us be willing Now, you'll notice, and that's all of step six, that little paragraph. And if you'll note it, he didn't even mention defects of character there. Step six said we're entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of characters. What he did say is those things which we have admitted are objectionable. Now, surely, surely. When we took our inventory and we looked out in that fifth column and we saw that old selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened that inconsiderate human being that we have become, when we can see that those type of defects in our character caused us to do the things that we did to hurt other people and then cause them to retaliate and us to resent and et cetera, then surely those things have become objectionable to us. Now are we ready to turn them loose? If we are, then we're through with step six. But the book always recognizes that self cannot overcome self. There's prayer in all of these steps. It says if we're not willing, if we still cling to something and we'll not let go, we ask God to help us be willing. Recognizing that sometimes we're not quite ready to turn them loose. You know, you look at those things out there and we human beings are funny things. Sometimes we'd rather sit in today's pain and suffering because we've kind of learned how to take care of that. We'd rather set in todays pain and suffering that take a chance on changing in the future because we don't know what change is going to bring. If I'm going to have to get rid of my selfishness, then how am I going to get what I want in the picture? If I want to have to get out of my dishonesty, well, how in hell am I gonna make a living? I don't do anything about honesty. If I wanna have to get rid off my selfish, self-seeking, frightened character, then where am I goint to get the nerve and the courage to do the things that I need to do, that I've always been afraid to do and et cetera? if I'm going to have to start considering other people first, then who's going to take care of me? And the book recognizes sometimes, even though we can see what these things do to us, we're not always quite ready to turn them loose. And if not, we ask God to help us be willing. When ready, we say something like this. My Creator, I'm now willing that you should have all of me good and bad. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect or character. Whoop! We're in step seven. Step 7 said shortcomings, but here he's using defects of character in the narrative on step 7. See what he's done to us? Confused the hell out of us for a long time. I pray that you now remove from me every single defect of character which stands in the way of my usefulness to you and my fellows. Grant me strength as I go out from here to do your bidding. Amen. We have then completed step 7, two very simple steps. Are you ready to have God remove those defects of characteristic? Are you read to turn them loose? If you are, you've done six. Have you humbly asked Him to do so? If you have, you're done seven. But I hope you don't make the mistake I did. Knowing that God is all-powerful, knowing He can do anything that He wants to do, I assume that all I have to do is turn to God and say, Okay, God, I'm ready. Zap me and give me the $29.95 special and I'll be as pure as the driven snow. I'll never have to worry about it in the future. I found out that isn't true. God will do for me what I can't do for myself. He will not do for me what i can do for my self. I got to tell you when I started working this program my mind was set of mental habits that had been developed in 40 years of living. To be selfish was the habitual thing for me. To be dishonest was the habitual thing for m e. To be self-seeking frightened was the habitual thing for me. To be inconsiderate of others was the habitual thing to me. That was my mind when I got here. Now, if I want to change those things, I've got to work against myself. If I want God to take away my selfishness, then I'm going to have to in every situation that comes up with all the willpower I can muster and all the help I can get from God, I'm going to try to practice unselfishness. And oh God, that's hard for me to do. It's hard for me to do. But as God removes and I practice the opposite, slowly, slowly the old habit dies and a new habit takes its place. Today I find in most situations that I am an unselfish human being. Not always, but usually I'm an unselfish human being. If I want God to take away my dishonesty then I must force myself with God's help to practice honesty in every situation that thumbs up. Slowly the old idea dies and a new one takes its place. I find today that I'm a relatively honest human being. It was hard for me to change it, but with God's help we made the change. If I want God to take away my selfish, self-seeking, frightened character, then I must force myself to do those things with God's health that I was afraid to do before. And just as importantly, force myself with God'S help to quit doing some of those things that I WAS AFRAID TO QUIT And slowly, slowly, slowly I find that in most circumstances today I react with faith and courage rather than fear. If I want God to take away my inconsideration then I must start practicing consideration for other people, their needs and their wants and put that ahead of my own and oh that's hard for me to do. But slowly slowly, with God's help over a period of years I have become a different human being. I now understand what the book says when it says we were reborn i'm not what i used to be i'm not what I used to do at all when I first came to AA with God's help you and I can become whatever it is that we want to be I think we're the luckiest people in the world most people out there are sick most people go into the grave not even knowing they're sick we not only know we're sick we know what's wrong with us we found that out in steps four and five And in 6 and 7, with God's help, we have the tools to change ourselves. You know, we get to live two lifetimes in one lifetime. Most people don't get that opportunity. Now be careful. Because if you buy into this little deal we're talking about now, then that means from this day on, you are responsible for what you are. I can't blame it on Barbara any longer. I can' t blame it on God, Mother, Father, or any other human being on earth. If I stay selfish, if I stay dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, and inconsiderate, it must be because that's the way I want to be. I don't have to be that way any longer if I don' t want to. Now, I'm beginning to understand what the book said way back in the reading of how it works. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil until we let go absolutely. You can't be selfish and unselfish at the same time. You can't be honest and dishonest at the same time. You can�t be one who acts with courage and fear at the same time, you can�t considerate and inconsiderate at the time. You�re going to have to be one or the other, and it�s up to us to make our decision, Joe. Always a paradox, and I call it synonymous, isn�t it? Everything just backwards from what you think it is. Some of us didn�t know what a paradox was, but I�ll give you one. How many of you ever called your sponsor so you could listen? Called up so we can talk, right? And usually end up listening. Hopefully. But the paradox here is that we have the doctor's opinion in the first four chapters to do steps one and two, three-and-a-half pages to do step three, eight pages to doing step four, four pages to dealing with the doctor, three pages to step five, and a whole chapter on chapter seven on working with others. And the paradox is that the two of the biggest steps in all of our Autism Anonymous is two little paragraphs. And we sometimes skip over those babies as if they don't mean anything. And let us say, too, that these two little paragraph or these two steps were those that Bill added the night he wrote How It Works to close up the loopholes. They didn't have six and seven in the Oxford Group program. They had four and five, but they didn't any way to change themselves. Bill added six and seven the night he wrote how it works. You know, the tools of change, that's what six and seven is all about, the rules of change. The rules of acceptance, if you will. Acceptance is a process, it's not an event. The way I accept things is through six and seven. By the time I got to this step, I could see what I had become through the fourth step and the fifth step, and I really didn't like what I had become. And a little doubt began to creep into my mind and I wondered, I mean, can God really? i mean really changed me from that to something else i mean really a little doubt began to come in i had to reaffirm her thought it was earlier in the book he said god is either everything or else he's nothing god or he is or he isn't and what was my choice to be and i chose to believe that he is these are the tools of change to change from what i had become to that which god intended for me to be i got sober and i was reading that other big big book and there's a story in there this guy's name was judas judas could not accept what he had done that's why he killed himself that's the importance of acceptance to be able to go through the process of acceptance so we can get over those things we don't kill ourselves or at least walk around miserable in life there's another story and this guy's name was saul s-a-u-l and saul was riding his ass on the way to damascus that's What the book says. Big bolt of lightning come down and knocked him off his ass, on his ass. That's the way I read it. Big dusting himself off and a big old voice come booming down and said, hey, Saul. He said, yeah. Can we talk? Well, you bet we can talk. Got his attention, didn't he? Alcoholism may have got our attention too. He said can we talk. He said sure. He said Saul, you've been a very angry, resentful, hateful individual and you've harmed an awful lot of people and I want you to quit doing that. And he said, well, how do you quit doing that? He said, we'll do these things, six and seven basically. And if you'll do those things, then you'll change. And when you change, we will call you Paul. And we all know that Paul was one of the greatest writers the world has ever known. In a little town in Corinthians, he wrote a little letter there one day. Somebody had reported him on what was happening. Somebody had asked him a question. Said, Paul, what is the secret to life? Everybody wants to know that, right? The secret for happy living. He said the secret to life is daily dying. The old Saul had to die so the new Paul could come alive. Six and seven, the tools of change, the tools that accept us to change what I had become to that which God intends for me to be. Two of the biggest steps in all about causing harm. Okay, we're going to take a break. That's like only 15 minutes. We're goingto have to come back and have the drawing and if we can get things done. Before we go any further now, I need to go back to fears for just a moment. You know, we talked about on resentments, that if you had a resentment you didn't want to get rid of, knowing full well that it might get you drunk, then you still needed to put it on the inventory sheet and get out in that fifth column and see what you're doing with it. And we talk about we can use it to rationalize and justify. Maybe we were so dishonest we wouldn't see the truth behind it. Maybe we were afraid of facing life without it because then we would have to become responsible for ourself and etc. The same thing with fear. If you've got a good fear that's eating you up and you really don't want to get rid of it, then you need to get it on that sheet and look at it very carefully and look out into that fifth column and take a look to see what you're doing with it. Are we so dishonest with ourselves that we again don't wanna see the true? Are we such a self-seeking, frightened individual we're afraid to turn it loose? Look and see what we're doing with it because we can do the same thing with a fear that we do with a resentment. We can use it to rationalize and justify not doing things we really ought to go do or just as importantly to continue doing things that we shouldn't be doing. And sometimes if we're using it and we're rationalizing and justifying we don't want to turn loose of it and eventually someday it's going to get us in trouble. Let me give you, for instance, how you can rationalize and justify with fear. I want you to be honest with me. How many of you in this room would like to go back to school and finish your education? Can I see your hands? I've got a whole bunch of you. I'm going to ask you one more question. How many are you? How many out of you are really going to do that? Be honest now. Less than half the hands went up this time. Why? Nothing in the world but fear. Fear that we won't measure up. Fear of failure. Fear of hard work. actually keeps us from doing things sometimes that we really would like to go ahead and do. So if you've got one of those, be sure and look at it very carefully and see what you're doing with it. You know, I've always wanted to build a set of kitchen cabinets. I love to work with my hands. I never would build them because I knew there'd be a lot of mistakes in them. They wouldn't look very good. People would laugh at them. And after I worked the program for a number of years, I finally found the courage to build this set of chicken cabinets. There's a lot of mistakes in them. They don't look very good, and people laugh at them, but I don't give a damn anymore. Okay, let's go to this young fellow I sponsored. He was 29 years old, sober a couple of years, and I said, what do you want to do with your life? He was unemployed and unemployable. I said what do You want to Do with Your Life? He said, well, I've always wanted to be an engineer. I said well, why don't you go back to school and be an engineer? He said I don' t even have a high school education. I said Well, you can get that. Then you go to University of Tulsa Junior College, and he did those things, and he got on the dean's honor roll and got him a scholastic scholarship at the University of Tolsa in the engineering school. And this has been � he told me in the beginning, he said, do you have any idea how old I'll be by the time I get through becoming an engineer? I said, do you Have Any Idea How Old You're Going To Be Anyhow? Well, today he's working in Modesto in an engineering company in the beginning of the winter, back in December he called me and said he had one more semester and then he graduated and became a full-fledged engineer. So you can do those things if you want to. It's one thing we've learned. There's no limit. No limit to what you can be. No limit to what you can be. If you just follow these few little simple spiritual principles and live by them, it's amazing how things change. Page 76, third paragraph. He said now we need more action. Action is a magic word, isn't it? But I wish we'd find that faith without works is dead. Let's look at steps eight and nine. Okay, we got rid of resentments. We got rid OF fears. We looked at the people we've harmed, but we haven't done anything about the guilt and remorse. It's filling up the storeroom in the back of my head. So the next thing we're going to do is try to get rid of that guilt and Remorse. And then God can direct our thinking entirely. It's long been known that the way you get rid Of guilt and Re-morse associated with things done in the past is to make restitution. We've known that for thousands and thousands and thousands of years. Nobody likes to make restitution I've never seen anybody yet come in an AA meeting, new person read the steps off the wall and say man I can hardly wait to get to that steps 8 and 9 that really looks like fun. Nobody wants to apologize for things we've done inthe past that hurt people. nobody wants to take from today's living to pay back for things that we owe from the past as far as monies are concerned material things the only question is can we afford not to do so and it seems as though if we don't do something about it the guilt and remorse continues to eat us up eventually we'll be having trouble with ourselves start having trouble with our fellow human beings and that backs up and blocks us off from God and we end up drunk all over again. So it's really not a question of whether we want to do eight and nine. It's a question, can we afford not to? And most of us have found out we absolutely have to do this. You know, if you think about it real good, what caused me to want to quit drinking? Well, it wasn't the hangovers because I have had some horrendous, I mean horrendous hangovers. And that didn't cause me to really want to quick drink. I have been really, really sick to the point of throwing up blood and all that stuff while drinking. And that didn't cause me to want to quit drinking. But what really caused me to want to Quit Drinking was the guilt, shame, and remorse that I had as a result of the harm that I've done to other people. It just about ate me alive internally. Eight and nine is the best way I know of to get rid of that to make amends. Now step eight is a definite step. A lot of times when we study having a step study, we skip over eight. If you listen, people start telling you how they went about making amends but they skip right over step eight but step eight is a definite step that needs to be done and it says here we have a list of all persons we have harmed and to whom we're willing to make amends we made it when we took inventory we simply take all those names off of the inventory sheets in column one and put them on one long sheet and that is the beginning of step eight see we subjected ourselves to a drastic self-appraisal So we did that in step four, and in five we saw how we'd harmed other people. See now we're about to go out to our fellows and repair the damage done in the past. We attempt to sweep away the debris which has accumulated out of our effort to live on self-will and run the show ourselves. If we haven't the will to do this, there's more prayer here in step eight. If we have not the will do this we ask until it comes. More prayer, you see? So we make the list, then we become willing to the list and if we're not willing, we We ask God to help us to become willing. That is step eight, a definite step. I remember when I got into step eight in that area, step eight and nine, I went to my sponsor again and I said, Neil, I don't think I'm going to be able to do steps eight and ninth. He said, why? I said because some of the people that I've harmed, they've harmed me just as bad as I ever harmed them. And by God, I didn't intend to make any amends to them. Therefore, I can't do eight and not. He said, well, Charlie, as usual, you get in the cart before the horse. He said in step eight, you don't have to make any amends. You're dealing with step nine when you're talking about the making of the amends He said instead of eight, all you got to do is be willing to make the amens. And I said, Well, that's the problem. Some of them, I'm not willing to makes amends to them. Therefore, I can't do eight. If I can do eight, I cant do nine. He said let me see if I can help you a little bit. He said, I've already seen the list of people you've harmed. We talked about that way back there in step five and et cetera. And he said, I know that there's some people on your list that you've armed that you would like to make amends to them right now. You'd really like to get it straightened out. He said there's your son and your daughter. There's your brother. There's you mother and your father. He said I don't know about Barbara either. We'll think about that later on. He said those people you would really like to make Amends to, wouldn't you? And I said, well, sure. He said, okay, I want you to take another sheet of paper and I want it right up at the top of it right now and you go through this list over here and all those that you are willing to make amends to right now, you put it on that list. Can you do that? And I say, well yeah, I guess so. He said we'll go home and do it and come back. And I did and I brought it back to him and I said okay, here's that sheet. What do I do now? He said okay some of these people on this original list over there you know you're going to make amends to them sooner or later. Not too crazy about it, but you know you're going to do it sooner or later. Is that right? And I said, well, yeah, you know it is. He said, okay, I want you to take those names off the original list, put them on another sheet of paper right up at the top of it later. Can you do that? And I says, well yeah, I guess so. And he said, go home and do it and come back. And I did. And I say, here's the list. He said okay. Now there are some people on this original list that you really don't know whether you're gonna make amends to them or not. You may or you may not. Is that right? And I said, well, sure it's right. He said, okay, I want you to take those names off of that list, put them on another sheet of paper and label it maybe. Can you do that? AndI said, Well, yeah, I guess so. And he said, Go home, do it and come back. And I did. AndIsaid, Now here's these three lists. Now what do I do? He said there's only a few names left on that original sheet, isn't there? And Isaid Yeah. Andhe said,Well, those are the ones you don't ever intend to make amends to right i said yeah and he said okay i want you to put them on another sheet of paper and label it never can you do that and i said well i guess so and he should go home do it and come back and i came back with all four sheets i said now what i do this is very simple you start making amends to the right nouns and he says by the time you're through with that you'll probably be ready to do some of the lagers and he's said i think for the time your through with the laters you'll you'll be ready to start on some of the maybes. And he said, I'm going to bet you $10 right now that by the time you're through with the maybys, you'll Be Ready to Start on the Netters. And the old fool was just exactly right. He didn't let me take three or four or five names and use them to block myself off from the whole procedure. He gave me a way to become willing to make amends to them all. And it really did work for me. And I've used it with people I sponsor and I've never seen it fail yet. He says, remember as we read at the beginning that we can go to any lengths for victory over alcohol, including making amends. You know, this is an area which I believe really, I've always believed in sponsorship, but I really believe in sponsorship in the area of making amens. Sometimes in our zeal to go out there and set things straight, we get such a good feeling from making an amend that we just want to go around making amands everywhere. And then sometimes in our Zeal, we can cause a whole lot more harm trying to make amends than we caused in the first place. And that's why we need another human being to help us in the area of making amends to see when to and when not to and whether it would injure them or others. Because, like I said, some of us, including me, are so selfish and self-centered we don't think about other people. We just think about ourselves. And another human Being can help me see things that I couldn't see in the era of making Amends. Okay, we made our list. We've become willing to make Amends to them. now step nine is a very definite three-part step step nine says we made direct demands and we believe that direct demands is one-on-one face to face eyeball to eyeball wherever we can it said we made indirect demands wherever possible now i hear people reading how it works And about half of them will read it as to say, whenever possible. No, it says wherever possible. You tell an alcoholic to do something whenever, just forget about it. It's not going to happen. It says wherever possibly. We make those direct demands. Then it tells us when not to make them, except when to do so would injure them or others. Now, Bill, in his usual manner, in the perfect sequence, addresses all three of these issues on the next two or three pages. First, he's going to talk about direct amends. He's goingto talk about wherever possible. He's gonna talk about when we shouldn't do so. So let's look at this thing. Let's go over to page 77. Let'sgo down to that middle paragraph. He said, We don't use this as an excuse for shying away from the subject of God When it would serve any good purpose, we are willing to announce our convictions with tact and common sense. Now, I don't know why he did it, but he starts a direct-to-men thing right here in the middle of that paragraph. The question of how to approach the man we hated will arise. He said, It may be that he's done us more harm than we've done him. And though we may have acquired a better attitude toward him, we're still not too keen about admitting our faults. Nevertheless, with a person we dislike, we take the bit in our teeth. It's harder to go to an enemy than to a friend. but we find it much more beneficial to us. We go to him in a helpful and forgiving spirit, confessing our former ill feelings and expressing our regret. Under no condition do we criticize such a person or argue. Simply we tell him that we will never get over drinking until we've done our utmost to straighten out the past. We're there to sweep off our side of the street, realizing that nothing worthwhile can be accomplished until we do so, never trying to tell him what he should do. His faults are not discussed. We stick to our own. Now, if our manner is calm, frank, and open, we'll be gratified with the results. In nine cases out of ten, the unexpected happens. Sometimes a man will call and come on it amidst his own fault. So a few years standing melt away in an hour. Rarely do we fail to make satisfactory progress. Our former enemies sometimes praise what we're doing and wish us well. Occasionally they will offer assistance. It should not matter, however, if someone does throw us out of his office. we've made our demonstration done our part it's water over the dam and every time i read that i remember my cousin gary gary and i were just exactly alike we lived right next door to each other until we got almost grown they're bigger and uh every time gary i got around each other we fought and fussed and physically fought and verbally abused each other and all that stuff all those years and when i got ready to make these amends i was in a restaurant one day Never been in that restaurant before or since, and found out later he hadn't either. And I looked up, and he was standing at the door. And I motioned him over, and he came over reluctantly. He wasn't quite sure what I might do. And I asked him to sit down, and he sat down, and I told him, I said, Gary, I've joined Alcoholics Anonymous, and I need to try to clean up the wreckage of my past. And I have harmed you an awful lot over our lifetime, and I won't know if you would forgive me for that. He's kind of relaxed. He said, you know, Joe, I want to ask you if you'll forgive me for the things that I've done to you. The whole thing went away just like that. And that's great. But the best part about it is that from time to time, Gary comes to Alcoholics Anonymous. Not often, but from time over time over these last 20-some odd years. When he comes, he comes to the group that I attend and we're able to share as much as he will allow me to about the program. And hopefully someday he'll get it. Recently, in the last couple of years, he got a 25-year suspended sentence. He's not supposed to hang around with felons or be with drunks or being in bars and all that sort of thing. He's supposed to stay sober. Otherwise, they're going to take him down to Macalester. I thought to myself then two years ago, they might as well just get him right now and take him on down there because he can't do that. I couldn't say it's over 25 days, let alone 25 years. But he comes from time to time. He used to be a periodic drinker, now he's a periodic drinker. So he's making progress. Maybe someday. Eyeball to eyeball, face-to-face, one-on-one. And I think what we need to really realize here is the purpose of our making amends is not to get other people to like us. Hopefully they will when we're through with it. But the purposeof it is to get rid of our fear, our guilt and our remorse associated with that particular thing, whatever it is. And if I write you a letter, I'm never quite sure how you received it. I'm not sure what you're going to say or do to me the next time I run into you. If I call you on the telephone, I'M NOT SURE EITHER. But if I go to you, wherever you might be, in your office, in your home, or wherever you may be, and sit down with you, eyeball-to-eyeball, face to face one on one and make my amends I'll never have to worry about what you're going to do to me. You would already have done it right then. I'm never going to have to worry whether I've done my utmost because looking at your eyeball to eyeball face to face one-on-one is the best I can possibly do. Now not everybody's going to accept our amends. I had a few told me they said Charlie we didn't like you when you were drinking and we're not very crazy about you now and we'd assume you'd get the hell out of here and leave us alone. But that's okay. That's okay." I've made my amends to them and I got rid of my fear and my guilt and my remorse. Now, here he's talking about a direct eyeball-to-eyeball face-to-"face with somebody you hate. Well, if it'll work with somebody you hate, then surely it would work with someone you love. It'd probably work with some of those you just kind of like them a little bit. It might even work with those that you dislike also. It'll really work with anybody Eyeball to eyeball, face to face, one on one. There's another kind of direct demand too. And that deals with equal proportion. Some of we alcoholics tended when we were drinking to borrow a little money whenever we did pay back, to write hot checks whenever we didn't pick up, to tear up automobiles whenever we never did fix. We've hurt lots of people in the material way also. as well as we have simply in the mental way. It's long been known that the way you get rid of that fear and that guilt and that remorse is you make restitution in equal proportion to whatever it is that you stole or whatever it might be. He handles that in the very next paragraph. He said most alcoholics owe money. I think that's the understatement of the year right there. We do not dodge our creditors. Tell them what we're trying to do. We make no bones about our drinking. They usually know it anyway, whether we think so or not. Nor are we afraid of disclosing our alcoholism on the theory it may cause financial harm. Approaching this way, the most ruthless creditor will sometimes surprise us. Arranging the best deal we can, we let these people know we are sorry. Our drinking has made us slow to pay. We must lose our fear of creditors, no matter how far we have to go, for we're liable to drink if we're afraid to face them. I think what he's saying to me here is this that if I owe you some money I need to come to you and say look, you and I both know I owe your 800 bucks I don't have the money to pay you today I wish I could but I'd like to start paying you $10 a week and if you're like most people you'll be tickled to death to get $10.00 a week that's better than nothing and I start paying you $20.00 $20 a week and some morning I wake up and I say hey That sucker's paid off. I don't have to worry about that any longer. The fear of what you think, the guilt, the remorse is gone for that particular one. Then I go to the next one. And I say, now you and I both know that I owe you $1,200. Can't pay you today. Wish I could. But if I start paying you $20 a week by now, I'm probably making a little more money. And I start playing with $20 bucks a week. And some morning I wake up and I say hey, that sucker's payed off too. The fear of the guilt remorse is gone Then I go to the next one Then I goto the next and then I go the next And someday I wake up and by God they're all paid off No fear, no guilt, no remorse left there Eyeball to eyeball, face to face Equal proportion It really does work Let me tell you a story about my brother I just thought about it He's been sober now causing alms for 25 years and he owed a lot of money. And he went to come to me and asked me what I should do about it. I said, well, your sponsor's named Leo. Why don't you go talk to Leo? Leo J. Hobbs, he's dead now. Sober a long time. So he went, he went to Leo and he said, Leo, I have all this money that I owe and I'd like to refinance my loans and get my payments down. And he looked at Jerry, said, Jerry, said, you don't need to borrow any more money. You need to pay some back. And he said besides that, financial problems don't have anything to do with money. and he didn't explain that to Jerry and he didn't explain it to me but I understand it today you think about it financial problems don't have anything to do with money that's all you're not going to explain it either okay we'll leave it right there again I hear some of you saying and I hear awful good I hear some of you say well Charlie that's probably true paying those people back for $800 or $1,200 or a couple thousand. But what if it's $50,000? What if it is $100,000 and what if it is half a million? What if it is a million dollars? Can we pay that back? Well I don't see why not. If we are smart enough to steal it we are probably smart enough to pay it back. You know I think we forget from step three on God is with us And if we are to do these things, then God's going to make it possible to do so. Providing we're willing to do our part. We had an old friend that lived in Tulsa. One of mine and Joe's mentors both, a guy named Dan. Dan finally moved out here to Bakersfield. He died a few years ago. He would have 47... No, 49. 49 years sobriety this year if he had lived. When Dan was 29 years older, he said, Charlie, I paid the last one of them last week. It took him 29 years to pay them. I said, Dan, how do you feel? He said, I feel about eight foot tall. Now, Dan was about five foot long, a little bitty fellow. He said this is the first time in my life that I can ever remember that I don't owe somebody something for what I've stolen from them in the past. And he said, well, I'm pretty good about it over there. When Dan was drinking, he was in the oil business down in Texas. He hooked them, and he hooked them big, too. And it took him 29 years to pay them back. But he did it. And we can do it, too, if we wish to. I'll tell you how good a con artist Dan is or was. His wife, Sarah, who later turned out to be a beautiful, beautiful Al-Anon, she took him to the State Insane Asylum in Big Springs, Texas to have him committed for alcoholic insanity. Now, the head psychiatrist interviewed Sarah, and then he interviewed Dan and after a while Dan left and Sarah was locked up. She stayed there for a year she learned how to live better electrically and all that stuff they do to people like that and she told us one time she said I've forgiven him for everything else but I'll never forgive that son of a bitch for that she said but we can do it we can move those things if we really want to do them. I spent an awful lot of time with Dan and Sarah and I for a number of years. And Dan was paying all that money back, and he told me the same day we were playing bridge that night, and he said he paid the last payment today. He said, I feel great. It took me 29 years to pay him off. I had known Dan for quite some time, and Dan never seemed to miss anything. He drove a new car and lived in a nice house and had a nice furniture. He and Sarah went where they wanted to go. So paying that moneyback wasn't that hard for Dan. It seemed like it turned out pretty well Because I believe this too God's with you, you know You can do anything And he did it Okay, the bottom of page 78 Perhaps we've committed a criminal offense Which might land us in jail If it were known to the authorities We may be short in our accounts And unable to make good We've already admitted this In confidence to another person That's when we took step five But we are sure we would be in prison Or lose our job if it were not Maybe it's only a petty offense Such as padding the expense account Most of us have done that sort of thing. Maybe we are divorced and have remarried, but haven't kept up the alimony to number one. She's indignant about it, has a warrant out for arrest. That's a common form of trouble too. Although these reparations take innumerable forms, there are some general principles which we find guiding. Reminding ourselves that we decided to go to any lengths to find the spiritual experience. We ask that we be given strength and direction to do the right thing, no matter what the personal consequences may be. We may lose our position or reputation or face jail, but we are willing, we have to be. We must not shrink at any point. Usually, however, other people are involved. Therefore, we are not to be the hasty and foolish martyr who would needlessly sacrifice others to save himself from the alcoholic pit. A man we know had remarried because of resentment drinking and not paid alimony to his first wife. She was furious. She went to court and got an order for his arrest. He had commenced her way of life and secured a position and was getting his head above water. It would have been impressive here if he had walked up to the judge and said, Here I am. We thought he ought to be willing to do that if necessary. But if he were in jail he could provide nothing for either family. We suggested he write his first life admitting his faults and asking forgiveness. He did. And also sent a small amount of money. He told her what he would try to do in the future. He said he was perfectly willing to go to jail if she insisted. Of course, she did not, and the whole situation has long since been adjusted. There's where we take other people into consideration, too. Page 80. Thanks for listening.