Step 4 — Moral Inventory: List Of Fears – Joe C. – 1998 – Session 26

So now let's go back to page 67, and again, we're not trying to psychoanalyze ourselves. I just found the facts, I accepted the facts as I looked at the facts, and I could see where I'd come from. It said, notice that the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Ms. Jones, the employer, and the wife, six times along that column. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It was an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of our existence was shot through with it. It set in motion trains of circumstances which brought us misfortune we felt we didn't deserve. You know, you do the crime, you do the time. That's the way that is. But did not we ourselves set the ball rolling? See, I did that myself, to me, because I didn't know any better. Sometimes we think that fear ought to be classed with stealing. It seems to cause more trouble. Now, we reviewed our fears thoroughly. We put them on paper. We put them on paper, even though we had no resentment in connection with them. We asked ourselves why we had them. Here it is for me. Wasn't it because that self-reliance failed? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse. So what we're going to do here this morning is basically, it's about the same thing that we did with resentments. We have a little list here, and it's a review of our fears. And we're simply going to look at our fears, where they come from, the ideas, emotions, and attitudes behind them, and what we're fearful of, and we're going to write them down in these columns, just like we did with resentments. And it won't take very long to do this. In the first column, it says, who or what did I fear? I list people, institutions, and principles whom I fear. And again, in column one, I simply write down the people, the institutions, and the principles that I feared, leaving a little space from top to bottom. And I list them one column at a time, and we list those. Now, we men tend to say, well, we don't have much fear. We're tough. We're macho. Now, we're not talking about physical fear anyhow. We're talking about all these fears that run through the mind from time to time. And I think if we carefully look at them, we'll find that we all have fears connected certainly with our marriages. We have fears connected with our children. We have fears connected with our jobs. We have fears connected with internal revenues. We have fears connected with our new service. We have fears connected with the police department. We have fears connected with the federal government. We have fears connected with the church. We could just go on and on and on and name literally thousands of fears that people have. Now, I'm not going to attempt to psychoanalyze myself. I'm not going to say, you know, that these fears are things that come from things way back in my early childhood, like mother setting me sideways on the positive side. even when I'm two years old or something. Some fear we're supposed to have anyhow. It's just like resentments. Fear can be used for a worthwhile purpose if they're used right. Mainly what we're looking at are these fears in our head that just continually kind of control us and rule us and dominate us. We've made a decision to let God direct our thinking. And if we have that many fears, then God can't, the fears do. And I found out the same thing here with these fears that I did with resentments. I didn't think I had very many fears. Instead, I started putting them on a piece of paper. You can only see one at a time in your head. But as I began to fill out sheet after sheet after sheet, I began to realize how much fear really does control me, rule me, and dominate me. So I did the same thing that I did with resentments. Started top to bottom. Listed each fear. Leaving a little space. Between each one of them. And it's amazing when we see how much fear we really do have. We'll never see it until we put it on a sheet of paper. Joe? See, for many years, I didn't think I had any fears at all. I thought that was a very brave attitude that I had. And after I filled out this first column, I could see that the fears was throughout my whole attitude and outlook on life. It permeated every part of my life. I was fearful of everything and everyone. And I did not know that. I didn't know that. So I go there. I go to the second column. Boy, you got it on his mind this morning, don't you, huh? Yeah. I can hardly wait. I believe he must have got over his headache. Yeah. I got brain damage this morning thinking about it. So I simply go to the second column, and I write down beside each of these people or principles or institutions of whom I'm fearful, what am I afraid of in conjunction with those people? Am I afraid that they're going to do something to me? Am I perhaps going to go to jail for some of the things that I did? Am I going to lose something of value? Am I going to lose face? Will it result in divorce? Will it destroy a personal relationship? Might I lose my job? Those kinds of questions I ask myself beside each of those people and institutions and principles as I listed in step one. And once again, as we fill out that second column, and we begin to look at these fears, we're going to find that nearly all of them are going to revolve around about one of two or three things. Not one of two or three things anyhow. Nearly every fear I've ever had revolves around the fact that I'm either not going to get something that I really want, or I'm going to lose something I've already got, or I've done something to another human being I shouldn't have done, and I'm worried to death about what they're going to do whenever they catch me. Nearly all of them will center somewhere around those things. So we simply just put down the cause of the fear. And again, I'm not going to say, well, I'm afraid of the dark, because Mother set me on the dark. I'm afraid of the potty sideways. Some fear I'm supposed to have. You betcha I'm a little bit afraid of the dark. Why? Well, I don't have headlights and I can't see at night, and that keeps me from getting hurt. It brings caution. I'm a little bit afraid of the heights. Why? Well, I don't have wings and I can't fly. It keeps me from getting hurt. But if those kind of fears should keep me from going outside after dark, if they should keep me from riding in an elevator or an airplane, then I better look at them very closely. They're beginning to really, really rule me and dominate me. Most of my fears, though, center around just basically two or three things. I'm afraid I'm going to lose what I got, not going to get what I want, or I've done something I shouldn't have, and I'm afraid what they're going to do when they catch me. Very simple process. Column three. Go to column three and what part of self was affected. And again, that's why I need that information on the basic instincts of life and the working knowledge of some of those words and ideas to enable to do the third thing. To enable to do the third column. You know, if you don't have a God in your life and you're living without God and you don't need other people and you're living on your own will, then there's only one thing you can do, and that's to try to satisfy your basic instincts of life. And that's what I was doing. I was operating on my own. So what part of myself was affected? Was it my self-esteem? Was it my security and my ambitions? Personal or sex relations which have been interfered with? Because those are the things that happened, and I looked down at the third column, and beside each name, again, in each instance, I write down one of those basic instincts of life, the part of me that was affected by these things. You know, I can't experience fear unless there's a threat to one of the basic instincts of life. And I found out as I filled out the third column, just like I did with resentments, I found out where fear comes from. You know, I didn't know where resentments came from. I didn't know where anger came from. I didn't know where fear comes from. Today I realize it comes from a third column. I realize it comes from a threat to one of these basic instincts of life. And just like with a resentment, if my basic instincts are at the level that God intends for them to be, if my relationship with God is right, then you can do about anything you want to to me, and I'm not going to experience fear because of it. But I'll guarantee you if my instincts are not under control, my relationship with God is not right, then about anything you do or say to me is going to create fear. Absolutely amazing what we learn about ourselves just by filling out these simple little columns. Now let's go to the fourth column. Go to the fourth column and we try to put out of our minds all these things that have happened so far and we write down what did I do? What did I do to set the ball rolling? Did I do the crime to do the time? Yes, I did that. Was it when my wife was going to divorce me and I was fearful of it? What did I do? What were some of the things that I did? Well, I was uncaring for her. I didn't care about her. I didn't consider her in any manner, in any way, and therefore I was afraid and I didn't know that. See, I really didn't know that I was afraid of those things. It told us way back in step three that we invariably find that we've made decisions based on self, which later placed us in a position to be hurt. And we've made decisions trying to satisfy our basic instincts of life. And running on self-will, those basic instincts become insatiable things, and we never get enough to satisfy them. And we're continually doing things that end up hurting and harming and creating other people. And then we've got to be scared to death what they're going to do whenever they catch us. And even if they don't catch us, the guilt and the remorse eats us up here, just like with resentments. So we begin to look at the part we played, and we find that we did the same thing with fears that we did with resentments. As we played them over and over and over in our head, we actually distorted the picture. And the fears that we have in our head today are not true. Oh, they started on truth, but they are no longer true. You see, that's one of the definitions of one of those wrongs. Fear is incorrect believing. And if we carefully look at each one of these fears, we're going to find that they're absolutely wrong. They started with truth. We've distorted the picture. And once again, we've used them to transfer blame to others so we don't ever have to look at ourselves. Same identical thing as with resentments. Now let's look into the fifth column. In the fifth column, I simply looked down in these instances. Was I selfish in those interests, in those particular items? Yes, I was very selfish because I was so fearful I was selfish. I was afraid I was going to lose things that I already had, or I was afraid I wasn't going to get some things that I wanted. Was I dishonest? Yes, I was dishonest. I took things from other people that didn't belong to me. And I was very dishonest. It seemed to me like to be successful, and any manner was okay with me. So I was extremely a dishonest person, and certainly I didn't know that particularly. And then I was self-seeking and frightened and inconsiderate of other people for sure because I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it, and I didn't make a damn how I got it was the way I looked at my life. And if you got in my way, you just shouldn't have. So I was a very selfish, self-seeking, frightened, and inconsiderate individual, and I did not know that. You know, it's absolutely a life living on hell. Whenever you're scared to death, you're not going to get something you really do want it. And then through dishonesty, you go ahead and get it. And then you've got to be scared to death what they're going to do whenever they catch you. And even if they don't catch you, the guilt and the remorse will eat you up. And our lives really do become an absolute living hell in trying to satisfy these basic instincts of life. And we just really drive ourselves absolutely dingy until we get an opportunity to truthfully look at these things. Now, out there in that fifth column, once again, we see the exact nature of the wrong. The fears are what's wrong. The wrong, because we find out most of them are incorrect, they're what block us off from God. But what's the actual truth behind them? Well, if we wasn't so selfish, if we wasn't so dishonest, if we were not so self-seeking, frightened, and inconsiderate, we wouldn't have to experience near as much fear as we do. But I'll guarantee you, if I stay selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, and inconsiderate, the same old things are going to drive me. I'm going to do the same old things I've always done. Fear, guilt, remorse is going to absolutely eat me up. Sooner or later, it blocks me off from God and causes me to get drunk. So once again, what we're doing here in this little inventory sheet, we are doing steps, step four, this is the fear part of it. Out in this fifth column, we see the exact nature of the wrong for step five, the defects for step six, the shortcomings we're going to ask God to take away in step seven, and then once again, many of the names over here in column one will be people and institutions we've harmed, and we're scared to death what they're going to do whenever they catch us. So those names will come off of column one. They'll be added to the sheet to be used later on for steps eight and nine. We got some off the resentment sheet. We got some off of the fear sheet also. And one thing that absolutely amazed me is when I really looked at this truthfully, is I began to see a lot of the names, same names appearing on the fear sheet that I had on the resentment sheet. I had never tied that together in my head before. Barbara was on both sheets. I resented her and I certainly feared her. I'm still a little bit afraid of that lady today. If she ever finds out everything that I was doing about 30 years ago, she's probably going to file for divorce again. I don't know. I resented the Internal Revenue Service, and I feared the Internal Revenue Service. They were also on both sheets. I never really had tied that together in my head. Now, if you think resentments look stupid in your head, wait till you get these sayings down on paper about fears. Now, fears look awful good in your head, but when you get them down on a sheet of paper, they really do look double dumb when you see the truth about them. Resentments look stupid. Mental fears look even worse than that. And they look so dumb, about 95% of them are going to disappear anyhow when you see the truth about them. Once again, there's going to be one, two, three, four, five that's been embedded in our minds so deeply, we're probably going to have to have a little help in order to get rid of some of those. We now come to the second prayer in the big book on step four regarding fears. You know, when I prayed for those people that I resented, my ideas, emotions, and attitude toward them changed. They didn't change, but I did. Now, prior to this idea about these fears, my whole attitude and outlook upon life was involved in these fears. I had fears in every area of my life and didn't know it. Of course, I hadn't had a God in my life either, but I've took step three and I've got God in my life. And now I'm on a different basis. And the book says perhaps there is a better way. We think so. For we're now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust our infinite God, rather than our finite selves. We're in the world to play the role He assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think He would have us and humbly rely on Him, does He enable us to match calamity with serenity. Now, we never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think that spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it's the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. Now, we never apologize for those who think they have the power of God. Instead, we let Him demonstrate through us what He can do. Here's more prayer. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be. And at once, we commence to outgrow fear. And you know, as I look back at that, my sponsor told me in those early days, he said the most important thing about prayer, the two most important things about prayer, one of them is to start and the other one is to continue. And as I look back over my life, I see that every time I prayed, I changed just a minute amount, just hardly noticeable. The next time I prayed, it was just a little bit more. And the next time I prayed was a little bit more. And as time goes by, I can see a real reliance upon God today in my life. It wasn't that way in the beginning. But when I started trusting and relying upon God rather than myself, then those fears began to come away from me. They weren't as intense as they had been. They began to get into the area where God intended for them to be. And at once, I commenced to outgrow these fears. You know, we hear always about the promises on page 83 and 84. We never hear about the promises that are spread throughout the entire book. And I think one of the greatest promises to be found anywhere in the book is what Joe just read. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what He would have us be at once we commence to outgrow that fear. Now, we can take these deep-seated fears, just like deep-seated resentments, through prayer on a daily basis, asking God to take this particular fear away from me, direct my attention to what He would have me be instead of that. And at once, I commenced to outgrow that fear. And over a period of days, as He directs my attention to what He would have me be, and I try to be that, as I ask Him to take that fear away, some morning I wake up and that fear is gone. It really, really does work. And I think the reason that it really works is when we're asking God to take it away and direct our attention to what He would have us be, then that's one of the great expressions of courage and faith that we human beings can have. Courage, faith, and fear will not exist on the same plane. The fear will be replaced by the courage to do the opposite of that fear, and as we begin to change, it will be replaced by faith that God really can do these things. And slowly, we can remove those fears too. Now just think, this file cabinet up here in my head that was filled with fears has now been emptied out. That damaged and unsaleable goods, caused fear, is gone at least to the level that God intends for it to be. Once again, God's not going to allow another hole in my head. The fears, if they disappear, they've got to be replaced with the opposite, and the opposite will be faith and courage, the opposite of the fear itself. I found out I didn't have to go to any other fellowships or read any other books to get faith and courage. If God dwells within me, that's always been a part of my makeup. I just never could use it before. In my chase for money, power, prestige, and sex, in my desire to fulfill the basic instincts of life, in my worries about I wouldn't get what I want, and I'd lose what I got, or they're going to catch me at it, faith and courage had to be repressed, and I had to operate on that fear level. But now that the fear is gone, faith and courage automatically comes to the surface. Another positive happening. Two-thirds of my store now has some peace of mind, serenity, and happiness in them, and I'm in much less chance of drinking now than I was before I started the inventory process. You see, we don't have to wait until step 12 to get something good out of this. Every step brings a positive result. There's nothing negative about any of our program, period. Now also, just like with the resentment, knowing that fears block you off from God, and that they might get you drunk, if you've got a fear that you don't want to turn loose of, you better look at it very, very closely. Because we can also use fear to rationalize and justify not doing something we really would like to do, or just as importantly, we can use it to justify continuing to do things that we know we shouldn't be doing. And if we've got one of those and we don't want to get rid of it, we better look at it very, very closely. Let me give you an example of how you can use fear to rationalize and justify. How many of you in here this morning please be truthful with me, how many of you would really like to go back to school and finish your education? Could I see your hand? Oh my God, about half of you at least. Now I'm going to ask you another question. How many of you really do intend to do that? Oh, about half of those hands went up this time. I wonder why. Nothing in the world but fear. Fear that we won't measure up, fear of failure, fear of hard work, actually keeps us from doing things that we really would like to do. Now if we can ask God to take that away and direct our attention to what He'd have us be instead, then every one of you that wants to go back to school will end up doing it. But until that fear is gone, it's going to drive most of us away and keep us away. We use it to rationalize, justify, just like we did with resentments. So if we've got one of those, let's look at that closely too. All my life I loved to work with my hands. All my life I wanted to build a set of kitchen cabinets. Never would do it because I knew there'd be a lot of mistakes, people would laugh and I would be embarrassed. Now after I worked the program for quite some time, one time I got the courage to build a set of kitchen cabinets. Now they don't look very good and there's a lot of mistakes and people laugh at it, but I really don't give a damn. It don't bother me anymore. It's with God's help. It's amazing what we can do with these things.