Step 4 — Moral Inventory – Kathleen B. – Wilson House Big Book Workshop Retreat – 2026

Hi, my name is Andy. I'm an alcoholic. I'm going to go real quick to page 63 here and just point out what I, this is more of a mechanics thing, but it gets done saying like, I love how it goes, you do the third step prayer and then it says, by the way, we think well before taking this step. I like how it tells you like that after you've done it. That's good. And then immediately after that it goes, next we launched out on a course of waiting until we have a year and then we can decide whether or not we want to start our fourth step. It actually says, next we launched out on a course of vigorous action. The first step of which is a personal housekeening, which many of us have never attempted. Though our decision, our third step prayer was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect. It could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of these things in ourselves which have been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom, so we had to get down to causes and conditions. The mechanics part of this is when I go with a sponsee and we get to the part where we're going to do a third step prayer next week, it usually looks like this. We go, okay, I want you to read from the beginning of how it works up to page 63. If you can, try and memorize the prayer. You don't have to. It's not required. Usually it's just my way to get them to read it a few times so they at least have a sense of what they're getting into here and buy a notebook and come back with your notebook next week. And then when I sit down with that session with them, I try my best to not let them leave until we talk about that. And then when I sit down with them, I try my best to not let them leave until we talk about the fourth step because we've done the third step and now we launch out on a course of vigorous action right now, at once, right? Not next week, at once. So I get back. You guys had a 15-minute break, which I guess is fine, right? But I would have preferred less. But now we're going to get into the fourth step, okay? So Bill does a great job of talking. He talks about, like, well, first I want to say there's all these things in the book where it talks about what the problem is. And the first thing that they bring up is, well, really, this problem is this allergy that we have where we can't stop, right? And then shortly after that, it goes, well, really, the problem is in our mind, centers in our mind. And really, the problem is... Period of premeditation before the first drink. Well, really, what the problem is, lack of power. That was our dilemma. Really, what we say is, you know, and we keep, like, and what it felt like in the beginning was it's like, this isn't one problem, man. It's all these problems. And it's like, no, it's actually just funneling down. It's filtering down at, like, the more specific we get, right? Because the allergy is not a problem. If I get rid of it. If I get rid of the problem in my mind, right, where I tell myself that this time it's going to be different because I'm going to use a different substance at a different time of day with different people, right? So it's going to be different, right? I'm going to be able to control it this time, right? I tell myself a lie and I believe it. And it starts filtering down and we get to, you know, lack of power. That is our dilemma. And then it gets down to self-will run riot, selfishness, self-centeredness. That we think is the root of our troubles, right? And then eventually we get to the next. And it goes to the various manifestations of self, right? And then it goes the number one offender is resentments, right? So you're down to these manifestations of self, right? We filtered it down to get down to exactly what the problem is. And we're going to talk about resentment, fear, and sex. Or if you want to call it conduct infantile. Okay? And why is resentment inventory so important? So I really like the way Joe and Charlie talk about it. I don't know if you know this. I like football. And they use a great analogy of like, you know, when replay first started happening in the slow-mo, right? They see like, you know, the guy is returning a kickoff. And he gets absolutely demolished, right? Like bent in half, right? And you're like, how did anybody survive that, right? And he just like, in real time, hops back up, runs off the field, right? And he's back in on the next play, right? But then the announcers are like, how about that hit earlier? Let's take a look at that, right? They got some dead air time. Let's play that back in slow-mo, right? And you see the guys back snap in half. Right? And you're like, there's no way somebody physically survived this. And you're watching in slow-mo and he bounces off the ground and everybody's flailing, right? The guy's back in there. He's fine. We're watching it again in slow-mo, you know? The game's like a blowout. So then they go back to it in the fourth quarter. How about that hit from earlier? Let's watch it again, right? And that's what resentments are for me, just replaying this thing over and over again. And she's such a teacher. She's like, Kath is a teacher for sure. And I at some point like brought up how, you know, Joe and Charlie talk about like that, the Latin root or whatever. She went and looked it up. So we got resentment from the Latin root, the sentir, or the French origin, recenter, synonyms, anger, spite, hold grudge, embarrassment. So what I usually tell sponsees, you know, is like the root word for resentment. Resentment is the same as the root word for sentiments, right? My sentiments about somebody is how I feel about them, right? To resent is to re-feel, right? Why is that a problem? Well, Joe and Charlie talk about that whole thing. You know, the more I remember it, the more I, you know, play it back in slow-mo, the more I think about what they did to me, right? And how bad it was. And the more that leaves me is like what I did to them, right? That's like way over here, right? And I, when I have a resentment, when I re-feel something, like for me, I literally get transported back in time to re-feel it, okay? I'm thinking about what that son of a bitch did to me 10 years ago. And my blood pressure goes up. I clench my fists. I grit my teeth. For me, because I'm like so pale and a lot of Irish, my face gets red. Right? I am transported back in time. And I am experiencing that really crummy situation again 10 years later every day, right? And I'm transported back in time. And then I get shot into the future. And I'm thinking about how I'm going to get them back, right? And I'm going to say this. And he's going to say this. But I'm going to be ready. And then I'm going to say this, right? And then he's going to know. He's going to really get it this time, right? And I'm sitting in yesterday. And I'm sitting in tomorrow. And I'm completely unable to be right now, right here in this present moment. And if you were at Kelly's meditation room this morning, you experienced how difficult it is to be right in this current moment, even for a few breaths at a time, right? We talked a little bit earlier about my lack of understanding of God. But the one thing that I've come to believe for sure is that the only way that I can have a conscious contact with God is right now in this present moment. I can't have a conscious contact with God if I'm living in the past or I'm living in the future. And therefore, I cannot help you if I'm living in the past or I'm living in the future. All right? It's so important for me to not have resilience. I don't have resentments against people because a person could walk through the door, right? At any point, I could be sitting in an AA meeting, completely safe, surrounded by people that love me. And now this person walks in and I'm just absolutely catapulted from the now into that son of a, you know? I can get there quickly. That's why it's important for me to continue writing resentment inventory today, right? I've had to write resentment inventory against people in the meetings, right? Because I'm showing up to the meetings and I've got a resentment against this guy in the meeting, right? I then get to why it's important for me to write resentment inventory on... Institutions, right? Why it's important for me to write resentment inventory on principles, right? Well, the institutions ones, right? Why is that important? I have a resentment against Bank of America. That's stupid, right? Blue skies, birds chirping, driving down the road, not a care in the world. I see a Bank of America billboard. Immediately, I'm like... Remember that time when I overdrafted by 27 cents and they charged me $30 for the overdraft fee, which meant that the electrical bill did not... The check did not go through. It bounced, right? Now my roommates pissed at me because the electrical bill didn't go through, right? And like those like corporate bastards with all their millions of dollars and they're charging me $30 for my 27 cents overdraft, right? And I'm gone. I'm gone. I'm catapulted out of now. And I'm unable to be here. I'm unable to have a conscious contact with God. I'm unable to help you, right? I have to get rid of those resentments against institutions. Principles. The principles are the ones that are a little more tricky to define and explain to a newcomer, I think. What I've kind of settled on is it's a commonly held belief. Principle is a common belief. It's a commonly held belief, you know? And different parts of society have different commonly held beliefs, right? An easy one for me is like, you know, real men don't cry, right? So I have a resentment when people say that, right? Because I'm like, well, I cry. Are you saying I'm not a real man? I'll show you I'm a real man, right? And, you know, another one that was pointed out to me was karma, right? I have a resentment against when people are like, oh, that's karma, right? It's just like, dude, it like... If you're saying that good things happen to good people and bad things happen to bad people, then you're saying that, like, these terrible things that happen to people that I know are genuinely good, that they're actually bad, that they're bad people, right? So now I've, like, got this resentment against you because you said something as simple as, like, oh, it's karma, right? You insulted somebody and stubbed your toe. That's karma, right? And so I needed to get rid of that resentment. Got to tell you. But these days, you know, I point out to guys, like, you might see a bumper sticker on a car. Get a big old resentment, right? And all of a sudden, it's like, you know, I have this commonly held belief that doesn't align with this other commonly held belief. So now I am catapulted out of now, right? Thinking about all these things that happened in the past, and now I'm going to get back at them in the future. And I'm unable to be present, and I'm unable to help you, right? That's why it's so important. That I get rid of these resentments. And the interesting thing for me about them is, like, when those resentments leave me, some of them happened immediately when I wrote down the cause. Because you write down the cause, and all of a sudden, it's, like, so obvious. Like, you're so selfish, right? Bill has a great one right in here in his little example where he's got the little table in here. It goes, wrong page. My employer, unreasonable, unjust, overbearing, threatens to fire me for drinking and padding the expense account. Those bastards. I'm showing up to work drunk and stealing from them, and they're, like, mad at me. What? Right? So some of them leave me as soon as I write down the cause. Because it's, like, there is this, I believe that there is this magic that happens when I put pen to paper. I can have this idea rattle around in my brain, and it's completely different than when it comes down on the paper. All of a sudden, truth starts to come out. Right? And I've got plenty of, like, truth filters and truth catchers along the way, right? Because I'm probably going to write the same resentment 15 times, and I'm probably going to start to get better as I do it. And I might not realize, like, how selfish that is the first time I write it, but the 15th time, maybe I do. Right? And eventually, I'm going to talk about this with my sponsor, and he's another, like, truth filter for me. Right? I'm going to talk to other people that are doing fourth steps. Right? So. And then I start to get to a place where, you know, I get into the turnaround. Right? What we colloquially call the turnarounds here in New England, which I've, you know, found out traveling around for work, going to other AA meetings that nobody else calls them the turnarounds. Right? But, you know, when I'm getting to writing down where I'm selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, and afraid. Right? All of a sudden, I'm looking at my part in things. I don't want to take up too much more time, but I do want to bring up one more thing, and then I'll pass it over to Kath. I. We get to this place in the resentment inventory where we're talking about my part. Right? And I think it's really important for me that I, when I'm talking with a sponsor about it, that I'm really clear about what my part in the resentment means. Because a lot of us have had terrible things happen to us. Sometimes when we're children. And I'm not going to sit here and tell you. I'm not going to tell you that when somebody did something to you when you were seven years old, that you had a part in that. That's bullshit. Okay? That's not a child's fault. And maybe there's even a resentment that you have where, you know, it was when you were an adult, and you legitimately have no part in what happened. But that's not what we're talking about. Right? We're talking about my part in the resentment. I've held on to this for years, and because of that. I affect my relationship with other people. Right? I treat other people like shit because of this thing that happened to me. They don't deserve that. That's my part. Right? Something as simple as that. Right? But just know that, like, there are many of us who have been victimized at some point in the past. And you can recover. Absolutely. However, you cannot remain a victim. You cannot be a victim for the rest of your life and do this process. Right? And I think that was, I think it was actually, I was listening to a tape of Mark Houston, where he got, like, real deep into that. Mark was also, Mark Houston was also sponsored by Don Pritz, who sponsored Jerry E. Right? So a lot of similar ideas came from that. But that was really enlightening for me to hear Mark talk about that. Because I've sponsored a lot. I've sponsored a lot of guys where, you know, I hear a lot of, like, awful things on their fifth step. If you're a guy in the room, like, it's a lot more common than you think to have something terrible happen to you when you're a child. Right? For some reason, we're just less apt to talk about it with other people. But I would, I'd be pretty confident that your sponsor has probably heard it before. If they haven't experienced it themselves. So. We are going. We are going to, I know it says on your card that we're going to talk about steps four and five right now. We're going to talk about step four probably for this whole session. And then we're going to talk about five, six, and seven afterwards. So I'm going to kick it over to Kath. And then we'll also make sure that we talk about fear and sex. And feel free to stop wherever you want. Yeah. So, hi, I'm Kathleen. I'm an alcoholic still. Hey, Kath. Yeah. Yeah. I. When I talk about resentment with sponsees. I. Talk about it the same way that my sponsor did. And that is that, like, this is about me re-feeling emotions. And sometimes people think it needs to be anger. And so I like to say, like, you know, yeah, it could be anger. It can be, it can be like a grudge. But it can be like embarrassment. And it can be something hard to define that I call ick. You think of a person and you're like, I got ick when I think of that person. Person, that, that institution, that principle, you know, when I was writing out my four step, I remember one of the first principles that came up for me was to ask for help is a sign of weakness. And that is not a belief that some people say, but that was like an internal belief that I had. So, like, I remember writing that down for, for my, my, one of my principles. And then there were other ones that were more, like, commonly, commonly said, like, children should be seen and not heard. You know, like, there's a lot of those that, that, that we've all heard over the years, you know. But when we started reading the, the personal inventory directions on 64, like, my sponsor just said to me, like, so, Kath, when you hear the four step, sometimes people want to be really, like, dramatic about it. You know? Like, writing my four step, oh, you know, it's like a lot going on right now, you know. And, and that is not to say that there will potentially be some things we write about that are, that do bring up emotional distress. And I don't want to downplay that. But it literally says that this is a fact finding and fact facing process. So, like, the whole point of this exercise is to find truth. Because I'm. Really good at, like, getting into a narrative about what's going on. And sometimes there is a lack of truth in that narrative. And so, you know, my, my sponsor compared it to, like, taking everything out of the fridge. Everything. And we're going to check, like, you know, expiration dates. We're going to see what's grown inside of old containers. You know? And we're going to figure out what still serves you. And what does not serve you anymore. Like, that is the point of this. Right? It is literally an inventory process. And I love that. Like, it's just, it's amazing. Like, the things that we keep around that we didn't even realize, you know. And putting, putting, like, a name to it, you know. When I write down the cause, my sponsor was like, keep your cause to one sentence. And that was hard for me. Because I wanted to tell you this big lie. It was a long story about why I was upset. Like, I wanted to take a whole page for the cause. And she was like, it's one sentence. That's it. You know? And it really, it did help me to, like, simplify what this, what, what, what I was actually upset about. Or embarrassed about. Or feeling ick about. I think that the third column where I talk about what I was affected, what was affected in me or threatened in me. It's really powerful for me. Because the first time I wrote my foresight. I was, like, I was vulnerable in a way that I'd never been before. Because in the past, it was always, like, column one, he's the asshole. Column B, right, two, here's why he's an asshole. Done. I'm done now. And, like, so now what we have is we have, like, okay, name of the person, cause. And then I go, this is how it affected me. My self-esteem was threatened. I felt less than. My pride was affected. I, I, I felt like other people thought less of me because of this. Right? And, like, drilling into that is, it's really, really helpful. And it also requires me to be, like, vulnerable and let, let them, some of that exterior down when I'm talking to my sponsor about it. You know? And just putting pen to paper even before I said it out loud with my sponsor. I think guidance from a sponsor and prayer throughout this process is so important. Everybody I know, like, always emphasized that to me when I was writing. They were like, you know, before you ever put the pen to paper, like, pray. Right? I would say my third step prayer. And then I would ask God to reveal that which he would have me know. Guide my pen. Help me see the truth. And so when we get. Into where I am selfish and dishonest and self-seeking and afraid, I started seeing this, like, pattern of behavior and a common one for me. Well, I always wanted something to happen. I always had an outcome in mind. So I was always selfish. And I was often lying. I was a really big liar. When I was an active alcoholic. And I was still a liar when I got sober. And it was the character defect that I was most worried would never leave me. There is a part in the big book where they talk about, like, there are some of us who are constitutionally incapable of being honest. And I thought I was, like, in that, like, little, little category. That was me. I was going to be, you know, so rare. And so but more than just being dishonest, as I've continued to write inventory, I see how I have unreasonable expectations of others in almost every situation in life. And so, like, in my first four step, I wrote about unreasonable expectations. But, like, in the inventory I write today, I still write about unreasonable expectations. And there's a great, like. There's a great sentence starter that my sponsor gave me. And I always share it with others when they're in the dishonesty section. It's, like, the lie I tell myself is this. So the real truth is this. You know? So I'll do one example. I have this memory of coming home from a middle school dance when I was, like, 12, I want to say. And me and my girlfriends went. We went to a middle school dance. It takes so much courage, you know? One of my friends was just talking. She was talking about her son going to a middle school dance and, like, just, like, the confidence he had to go and, like, be himself. But anyways, I come home from this middle school dance and my mom says to me, you know, how was it? You know? Who did you dance with? My friends, you know? And she's, like, did you dance with any boys? I was, like, no. And she was, like, then why did you go? And. She doesn't know how much I've thought about that for the rest of my life. And. But when I wrote out that resentment in my four step that she said that to me that day, that evening, like, what's the lie I tell myself? Like, that my mom wanted me to base my value as a person. Like, that my mom wanted me to base my value as a person. Like, that my mom wanted me to base my value as a person off of what men thought of me for the rest of my life. That is, that's where my value comes from. You know, that that's what she was trying to teach me that night. And that is definitely a lie. What's the real truth? She was asking a question that was probably asked to her at some point in her life. And she was doing the best she could with what she had and what she didn't have. And. That's what she knew in that moment. And she did not have any idea how that would impact me, you know. And like, that's true for all parents. Right. Like, everybody is like making mistakes and we keep on trying, you know. And I think I have a better understanding of that today. But. But that's an example of like today. I continue to see that like in everyday interactions at work, in my family, with friends. Like, what is the lie I'm telling myself? What's the real truth? Ninety nine. point nine percent of the time like people have good intentions and they're doing the best they can with what they have and what they know um you want to talk about fear I'm too scared um okay so it makes it's like okay we go from all of this resentment inventory which when I was writing the resentment inventory it just felt like it went on it was like it was a long list and so the inventory itself took a little while and it was like I'm finally done and it's like okay now we're gonna start the fear inventory you know and um but it it's the perfect transition because for me I talked earlier today about like this false sense of control and like the fist and when I take off the mask of anger like I am left with fear that is what is exposed um yeah and that's hard. I've always been, I, I, we, you know, I thought I looked really weak. If I was, if I was to say to you, I'm angry for what you did, that felt better to me than saying, I'm scared that you're going to die. Right. I think back to that night with my brother and that big fight on Christmas Eve and everything that happened, you know, if I could have had the courage and the spiritual tools to tap into, to say, I love you so much. And I'm so scared that we're going to lose you. What a powerful, like meaningful connection we could have had that night instead of, you know, the big fight that we did have, you know? And they ask us some really helpful questions in the fear inventory. And, you know, why do we, we have this fear, right? We're going to put the fear on paper and then we're going to drill down on like, why do I have this fear? And I'm able to see what my root fears are that come up in all situations in my life. And there's not that many. And if you've done some type of, you know, fear inventory that is like that or similar, then you've probably learned something like that about yourself as well. Like I run on fear. I think it's so complicated. I think it's so complicated. I think every situation is different, but it all boils down to me being like extremely afraid that I have no control in this situation. Extremely afraid that I'm going to end up alone. Afraid that I'm unlovable, you know, if you really see me for who I really am, right? And then I think the best question after that is, you know, like, so how does self-reliance fail me? So like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I have these fears that I don't want to admit I have. So instead of being vulnerable and telling you the truth, I engage in self-seeking behavior. So for me, that self-seeking behavior, it's all of the things that I do so that I can try to force the outcome that I think needs to happen, right? It's more of like self-will run riot. Um, and yeah, I, I start, you know, looking for validation, seeking allies, manipulating with being overly kind. Suddenly I'm a not kind person, you know? Um, I'm gossiping, you know, about a situation at work when I don't need to do that. It's not helpful, you know? Um, it's all based out of fear. So like, what if there was a better way, right? Cause now we're on this different basis, this basis of trusting and relying upon God. And they have such like specific words, right? Um, all I have is my finite self, but I could be relying on an infinite spirit of the universe to provide me with, um, the care and direction. That I don't have, right? So if I can continue to remember that, like, I've been fired, I am no longer the director, even when it comes to fear and situations that are scary, um, then I can rely on God and they have this beautiful, you know, fear prayer, you know, we ask God to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. Not do. And it comes back to me thinking like, I gotta do something to make this get fixed so that everything's going to be okay. And instead I need to pause and pray and bring my attention to what God would have me be, right? To be patient, to be understanding. Um, and that's really, really, all of this takes so much practice. Um, there's so many situations that I can think of that were scary before I became a parent that are infinitely more scary now that I'm a parent, because it's like this, you know, well, someone is in charge, right? In the household, people are in charge and it's typically the parents. And so like, you do get this sense of like, yes, but I'm not going to be a parent. And so I'm going to be a parent. And so I'm going to be a parent. And so I'm going to be a parent. And so I'm going to be a parent. And so I'm going to be a parent. And so I'm going to be a parent. And so I'm going to be a parent. And so I'm going to be a parent. But at the end of the day, like I need to keep them safe. And, um, and so like learning how to be God reliant while parenting has been like such a journey, you know, like instead of like inserting my will, because like, I'm scared that like, if they don't learn like how to be good listeners now, then like, they're just going to be like crazy for the lives. So I need to teach them a lesson right now. And all of a sudden I'm talking in this, in this way. I never wanted to speak to my children, but I hear this tone in my voice that is like a little scary, you know? And it's like, are those, is that how God wants me to speak to my children, to his children? And it's been, I mean, I will tell you that like, I don't know how people parent without the 12 steps. I feel so, so lucky to, maybe they do it more intuitively, you know, like maybe it's just like, you just do it. They don't have to think it through. But like, I constantly think to myself, like, I have to parent with spiritual principles. Like, we'll talk a lot more about that in step 10, but, but fear, do you want to talk about fear? Sure. I think you've gotten me to a place where I'm okay with it now. Okay. I, when, when Kath was talking about the, when Kath was talking about the, the inventory of like looking through the fridge, it reminded me of something. So I, so I used Timmy as a sponsor until he, he moved to Texas, like around the pandemic. And then I was sitting there like trying to get in touch with another guy that had, like two small children who is now living in Texas and it was not working. Right. And I realized I needed to do something else. So I got this other great guy as a sponsor that I use today and he's in the room and he's listening right now. So I got to not screw up. And, but he, he, you know, one of, one thing that became apparent was that it had, I had been like, it was, it was really difficult around pandemic times to like get to meetings. Right. Like the zoom meetings, kind of like I got burned out on them about six months in and it was just tough. And I had all this like built up stuff. So one of the first conversations that we had was, was around inventory. Right. I got to do, I got to do some more inventory. Right. And get back to where inventory is a regular practice and not like when it gets clogged up, I need to like release the levy. Right. It's like, if I do it a drip at a time, you know, then it's not so bad. Um, But, uh, his, his metaphor for that, which I'm sure he stole from somebody else because none of us are anything, anything unique, um, is, uh, is, is it, it, it's kind of like, you know, when you're a little kid and you're, you're turning over rocks to see what's underneath. I don't know if you guys did that. I did that a ton when I was a little kid. I'm walking around in the woods and I, you know, I find a rock that I can just barely pick up and I turn it over and like, what's going to be under there. Right. I don't know. It might be disgusting. Right. Just like potato bugs and centipedes and mycelium, which looks like snot, you know, it's like that, that might be gross. Right. Or maybe I pick it up and, you know, it's not so bad. It's not as bad as I thought it was going to be. And sometimes I pick up a rock and there's nothing there. There's nothing there. Right. And it's not my job to like, think, well, this is going to be a dirty rock and this one's going to be clean. Right. It's my job to turn over the rocks. Right. And what Timmy used to say was, you know, I have these questions about whether or not I should write something out. And as you know, he would go to when in doubt, write it out. Right. If I'm not sure about it. Right. Maybe the universe has plopped it into my brain for a specific reason. Right. Worst case scenario, if I don't write it down, I've wasted 15 minutes of my life. Right. And that's a long one. Right. We usually get an inventory done. You know, resentment inventory or fear inventory. You know, it could take a while. It could take five minutes. Right. Worst case scenario, if I should have written it down and I didn't. It's a lot of death threats later on about that. OK. So coming to fear. The question I get a lot of the time is like, well, we got to draw a line in the sand here of like where where's the fear that I should be writing down and the fear that I, you know, it's kind of silly to write down. Right. And the way I try and the way I try and bring it up to sponsees is like, you know. Like, look, if you're afraid of this, but it's not affecting you, it's not affecting your life, then maybe it's not important to write down. You know, I'm afraid of spiders. Right. So, like, not me. I'm not. Don't worry. But like, if you were. Right. Is it a big deal? I don't know. Right. You're like, ah, it grossed me out. You know, I wish it wasn't there. I don't want to like, you know, you know, but you muster up the courage and you smush the thing or whatever. Right. Fine. All right. Maybe that does it. Now, I had a sponsee, Danny S. I want to make sure that we call him out in case in case you want to, like, give him crap later. He is afraid of snakes to the point where it affects his life. Like, he can't. He needs to pray before he walks into his garage in Massachusetts. The most ferocious snake we have in suburban Massachusetts is a garter snake. OK. When I was a kid, we would catch those and let them bite us because it was funny. It doesn't even hurt. Nothing happens. Right. It's affecting his life. Right. That's a fear he needed to write down. Right. The point of the fear inventory for me was realizing that I don't have a hundred fears. Right. I'm writing down a hundred fears and then I'm getting down to that root cause. And I find out that. But I actually have a few fears, a few root cause fears. And then eventually I find out that all of them can be solved if I have a reliance upon God instead of a reliance upon myself. Right. Give you one example of one of mine. I was really, really deathly afraid of planes, like flying on a plane. And I just. Couldn't do it. There were a lot of times when I was flying. My mom had moved out to a suburb of Chicago and I was flying multiple times a year between Syracuse and Chicago. And back in the day, you used to be able to just put your kids on a plane. She would walk us. There wasn't security. This was before TSA. You know, like she would walk us onto the plane, get us in our seats, introduce us to the stewardess. Right. And then say, see you later. And then when I got off the gate. My dad would be standing there at the other end. Right. I'm flying on a plane alone with my little sister. Right. Turbulence is scary, man. Right. We're in the steel bird. But it doesn't make any sense. Right. And I'm an engineer. It does not. Those things should not fly. It does not make sense. Several hundred tons of metal levitating in the air. Right. Going 500 miles an hour. At 30,000 feet. It doesn't make sense. Right. And it got to the point where it was affecting my life. Like I couldn't. I, I, multiple times I would, I would decide to take a 10 hour bus ride or train ride to avoid a one and a half hour flight. Right. I would choose not to go places. Right. That my friends were going and stuff because you had to get on a plane. And I was able to do this inventory and come out the other side where now I travel quite a bit. Not as much since, you know, the economy's down. So we have like a travel ban for my particular job. But like I was traveling a lot. I got, I got hired by this company nine months sober. And, and within like two months, they're like, we need to, we need you to fly down to Atlanta to do a training. And it's like, nobody asked me if it was okay if I got on a plane, right? And they're like, you know, you got to do this part of your job. We want you to learn this, learn this tool. Right. You got to go down there for the training. Right. And I had, it was the first time I had gotten on a plane since like I had done this work. And, and I said the same thing I was saying when I got on the first roller coaster, which I also didn't want to do. And I found out that roller coasters are awesome. I don't know if you've just done roller coasters. It's so sick. But I'm sitting there going like, I have faith in God. I have faith in God. I have faith in God. I have faith in God. Right. And, and today, you know, when I travel, I still like get a little weird about it. But when I'm, when I'm getting ready to take off, I get in the taxi. I text her. I say, I love you. We're about to take off. And then as the plane starts speeding up, I think about my kids. I think about my wife. I think about how grateful I am that I have this program and I have this connection with God. And I, and the fact that I am living on. I've borrowed time. And if this plane crashes, I already got way more than I was supposed to. And I'm okay with it today. Right. And, and I've gotten to do like such cool stuff. I've gotten to travel to London, Kuala Lumpur and Italy and like we, our honeymoon, like we went all these cool places that I've gotten to go that I never would, I never would have gone. I would have stayed in like a 10 hour radius. Like Massachusetts and Syracuse, you know? So yeah, that was pretty cool. What we're going to. Quarter of. Quarter of. Okay. Yep. Do you mind if I jump into that? Yeah, sex conduct. And then we'll go and then we'll keep going. Yeah. So yeah, the next one. So I think that's all I want to say about fear. But next one is sex inventory or conduct inventory. Right. And it, it, we, we get into this and, and first of all, I love the fact that it's looks extremely similar to the resentment inventory. And the only thing they've taken out is the cause and how it affects me. That doesn't matter. Right. We've moved on past that. Like that is the crap that does not matter. Right. Who is the person and how have I affected them? What's my part in all of this? Right. And I think that's, that's wonderful that we get to that place where we just kind of jettison that other crap. Right. And, um, you know, the, the, the, the first question, uh, when I sit down with a sponsee is usually like, well, who goes on the list? Right. Is it everybody I've ever had sex with? Maybe. Is it, is it, does it include people I haven't had sex with? Maybe. Right. Right. Um, I, uh, I think of, uh, I think this, this kind of illuminates for me, like how it affects us, how, how we affect other people. Um, when I was, uh, 12 or 13 or something, I think, I think it was before I started drinking, but very soon before that. Right. So I'd literally never had any substances in my body. And, um, I was living with my dad at the time and my dad lived in like a cool, like, cul-de-sac neighborhood where there were other kids that lived there and they would play flashlight tag at night. I think you guys call it manhunt. Right. And, um, so you're running around with the other kids in the, in the woods, in the dark with a flashlight. Right. And, um, I started to end up behind this wood pile every time that we were doing, uh, flashlight tag with this girl that lived like three houses down the street. Right. And, uh, all of a sudden I'm getting some on top of the street. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Big deal for like a 12 or 13 year old. Right. And like, look, I don't think that that was, I don't think that that was necessarily wrong. Right. I was a kid. We were like figuring things out, whatever, you know, that is what it is. The problem is school began. It was no longer summertime. We go to the bus stop. We're at the same bus stop. I talked to her while we're at the bus stop. We get on the bus. I act like I don't know her. Brittany's getting on this bus. Tiffany's getting on this bus. Right. I don't want Tiffany or Brittany to think that, you know, trying to hang out with this girl over here. Right. I used her to get what I wanted and selfishly forgot all about everything else. 12, 13 years old. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. I never had a substance in my body. Right. I'm taking advantage of somebody else selfishly to get what I want and ignoring what they want. Right. Never kissed her. Certainly never had sex with her. She went on my inventory. Absolutely. Right. I affected that person. Another thing that comes up for a lot of the guys I sponsor is like, um, you know, I'm like, you know, this question of like, you know, well, there's like, uh, there's like all these people that, you know, it was, it was one time and maybe it was like a business transaction. Right. Do does every single one of those individually go on the page? I don't know. Does it stick out? Right. Does it feel like this one in particular was different? Right. Or can I kind of write those as a group? Right. Does it feel like this one in particular was different? Right. Or can I kind of write those as a group? Right. Right. Or can I kind of write those as a group? I don't know. We figure it out, you know, for each one. Um, and then, uh, we get to the place where we write the ideal before I get there, actually. Uh, one of those things I was talking about earlier, we have these ideas that bounce around in our heads, right. And in here is something different than when I start writing things down. Now if you would ask me, Andy, have you ever cheated on your girlfriend before? Yeah. Yeah, I've done that. Andy, have you cheated on every single girl you've ever been with since middle school? I go, oh, of course. I'm not like some freaking psychopath. Jeez, man. Right? You know what happened? I wrote my inventory and I found out for the first time that I had cheated on every single girl I had ever been with since middle school. Right? I was cheating on girls that weren't even my girlfriend. Right? Girls that, like, we were definitely, like, together. There was something going on there. And I was doing things in secret over on this side. Right? And I didn't have this, like, massive list to write down. It was a relatively short list because what I did is I would get in six-month relationships that lasted for, like, two or three years. Okay? And what I mean by that is at six months, I was checked out. I had come to the conclusion that I was not going to marry this girl. Right? My parents got divorced. They were mean to each other. Love isn't real. Right? This is where my head's at. I checked out completely and then I spent the next year and a half, two years searching around for the next thing while I'm still with her. Right? Scumbag. Right? I get to my, I write all this down and I recognize all this and I talk about it with my sponsor and I get to the ideal. Right? And we have those questions at the end of the sex conduct inventory where it goes, where were we at fault? What should we have done instead? Right? And my sponsor made it pretty simple. He's like, well, you got all these things. What should you have done instead? Right? So the ideal, kind of just for me started with what should I have done instead right and a lot of them were just repeated over and over again and some of them were like specific things that happened with specific people or specific things that I had come to recognize like that I didn't want to be a part of my sponsor Timmy he was he was just barely ahead of me the whole time which is funny to think about now but uh he had like started this relationship uh with this with this woman that now he's now he's married to and they have children and uh he would talk about the fact that like she doesn't do dishes it's just not something she does right she just doesn't get them done right and he knows this right he knows this because when he went to like go visit her before they were living together she wasn't doing dishes and then they moved in together she wasn't doing dishes he's catching his resentment like I'm doing all the dishes all the time right he's freaking out right and then um he goes back to that ideal and and recognizes the fact that I can't change people I can't change people like come on I can't change myself I can't be expected to change other people right especially not somebody that I'm like with right um so for so he explained it to me so for me to get mad at her for doing exactly what is expected would be crazy right so the question comes and I and I say this to sponsees all the time when they come to me with like uh for like relationship advice um is essentially like uh uh you know I don't I don't have relationship advice to give uh specifically but I do have this it's like things are either acceptable or they're not and I have to make that determination right there's certain things that are unacceptable period right physical assault unacceptable right that's we're done right but there's other things that are gray areas right and it's like am I gonna decide what it's gonna be I mean either this is so unacceptable that I cannot be with this person and then I need to end the relationship because I can't be sitting here in resentment and expectation every day because then I'm not in the present moment I can't be with God and I can't help you right so I have to determine what is acceptable and what is unacceptable and if I determine that this is not unacceptable all these wonderful things I get from this person all these wonderful things I get from this person that has no idea that time is linear and that it's going to take more than five minutes to get all of the stuff together and get the kids in the car and buckled up and in the car and in the car and in the car and in the car and out the door right I have decided that this all of the extra wonderful things I get is worth the fact that she doesn't understand how time works right I don't have to get mad at her for that she's also aware of it but in the moment she can't see um and uh really quickly uh the last thing I want to do is before we turn it back over to Kathy or she has to say about this is um I was at a meeting uh this guy that uh had talked about using this inventory for something other than uh sexual relations right and uh he he was a guy who had gone to uh prison for a a good period of time because what he did was what he called stick them ups right and he would target usually young small not young just small women you know in a secluded Alley kind of area and he'd point a gun at him and say give me all your money right no sexual relation no thought of that never tried anything like that it was purely he was trying to get money for his habit and he's full of fear he's afraid if he you know if he meets Jared in the back Alley right I mean Jared might be able to take the gun from him right but he's like if I get like uh you know so he targeted these uh people that were small women right I think that's an intimate situation you think he caused selfishness right I think he caused um uh jealousy suspicion or bitterness suspicion bitterness right who did we hurt right the widening circle right the husband the parents right now this person is just scared to walk down the street right he didn't mean to cause all this harm it didn't really fit into the resentment box couldn't really get it down to the fourth step in the resentment box but he knew it was something that needed to be talked about in his fifth step and pretty much all those questions worked maybe we could say like well it's jealousy I don't know maybe right but all of the other ones besides that absolutely fit the bill right and uh and I have used a ton of conduct inventory that had nothing to do with sexual relations um since then and uh the most inventory that I write today uh is fear and conduct pretty much um so yeah I just wanted to like put that into the ether in case that helps anyone else and with that I'll pass it back over to gap thanks Andy um so just because I get sober doesn't mean that my conduct changes and that I start making great decisions and um that was really clear to me in my um conduct Inventory um it was so helpful for me to look at this because um I also had a lot of relationships that I needed to write about in my inventory um and then I had like a massive amount of like one night stands um I was also similar to Andy able to see that like in all of the major relationships in my life I had been um dishonest and unfaithful and I was always like basing decisions out of fear um and caused a lot of jealousy suspicion and bitterness um this is a fact-finding and fact-facing process and seeing this in black and white was helpful for me in the in the future um I wasn't we're not in a ladder step yet to make amends but it is very important that I like fully understand what my behavior looked like in relationships and it will be helpful when I'm making amends in the future um in college I dated one of my best friends Alyssa for almost three years she and I were together and through like the entire relationship I was um cheating on her and um and turned her into like a total insane person who had like an insom she had insomnia she couldn't sleep she was dating an alcoholic who lied to her every day and um and the way seeing the ways in which I had like manipulated her and it was like very very important that I owned that because um because I justified a lot of it when it was happening you know um and and being able to have all of those facts for like the amends process was really important you know and and um when I got sober I saw in all of my inventory and my current um behavior that I cared very much about what other people thought of me not just as a person but whether or not they thought that they would like to have sex with me um and I based like a lot of like my own worth on that and uh I didn't know how to like not care about that anymore um and I remember getting sober and I was writing my four-step actively writing my four-step going to meetings had a sponsor this great guy who I'd known for a long time who I had you know dated here and there whatnot before before I got sober and um reached out to him and he was like back out to see if I'd want to go on a date with him and um I was like oh I don't know about you but like every time I went on a date with somebody it was like maybe I'm gonna marry this guy you know like I just that that was like my thought always this could be the man I marry anyways uh we I we get to his house for this for this date and he's and I find out that like his roommate has had a bad day and is coming out with us for the night and we're going to like a trivia night at a bar for our date and I'm sober so I'm but meanwhile I am incapable of telling other people when I feel uncomfortable because I'm an extreme people pleaser so I'm I'm a fun girl what okay cool I can I can my motive is going out to have fun with people and do trivia right I'm like rationalizing in my brain I've driven all the way out to Boston for this date night that I so I have all these expectations and it's gonna I'm gonna do it I'm gonna I'm gonna forge ahead you know and I go out to this night and this guy proceeds to like get drunk with his buddy I'm having a good time the night comes to an end and it was never really a date there wasn't any intimate conversation or like meaningful connection he's a nice enough guy gets to the end of the night I sleep with him because I'm like hardwired to do that that is like what I do so that I know that you thought that I was good enough to have sex with and so I think that I have value that was really hard for me I remember waking up the next day driving home and calling my sponsor and crying like I have no idea why I did that I don't know why like I don't know why I didn't just go home you know and um and uh it takes a lot of practice to like stop doing harmful behavior to ourselves right and to others as well you know um and it's really hard sometimes as as women in particular and I don't this could be true for men but I'm not a man like I just really really needed to find out like how I was like how I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like I was like going to be okay without your validation anymore and the only way I found that is through like coming to have a relationship with a higher power whose like love is like so absolute and I am like I am so worthy and like regardless of whether like I found a life partner who like saw my value and loved me for who I was like before like I met that person like I had found God and I had like seen that like I was worth loving um of of my own like on my own you know um and that's through this like process was the only way that I was able to learn that when I got to write down like what this relationship ideal would look like and like shared it with my sponsor you know it wasn't about my partner it was all about like what do I want to bring to a relationship today you know and like letting go of all of those like learning from my past like today I want to be honest I want to be trustworthy and I want to be dependable and um I want to be loving I want to be quick to forgive I want to seek to understand my partner's perspective right right right Like all of those things are an ideal. And it's amazing because like on page 70, they talk about like, but what if we fall short? Because we're gonna, you know, I think anybody who's in a relationship of any kind, intimate or not, right? Intimacy looks really different. I have very intimate relationship with some of my closest friends. Then I have a different kind of relationship with my husband. But today, like, how do I want to show up for my family, for my friends, for my partner? And when I fall short, like, what can I do? When it comes to sex, right? They say, you know, well, if we're not sorry, and our conduct continues to harm others, like we're quite sure to drink, right? But they also say like, you know, like, but if sex is really troublesome, like, let's throw ourselves the harder into helping others. Like, this takes us out of our ourselves, right? Working for, like focusing on the needs of others, quiets the imperious urge when to yield would mean heartache. Like, that kind of direction was so helpful for me in early sobriety. So when I talked to my sponsor on the phone that day, she read me that paragraph from page 70. And like, she was like, this is it. You're at a crossroads. Like, you can continue to engage in this type of behavior and probably get the same results. Or you can like, you know, continue to like, seek truth, seek God and try to be of service. And in sharing my experience with other women, like, I've just found that like, I mean, it's just like that promise and the step. Nine promises. It's like, we will see how our experience can benefit others. Like, today, I have like, I used to carry so much shame around my sex conduct and like, never wanting to be like, just like, honest about the way I behaved. And like, today, like, it's easier in a women's group. We have a great women's group on Thursday nights. And like, we talk so freely about so many things. But like, today, like, I can say certain things. I can say certain things of my experience. And like, I don't have shame. And I'm willing to share them because I know that my experience could benefit others, others who are carrying shame over their, their past as well. And it doesn't define me today. You know, like, it's all something that I can like, learn from and, and use. And I want to just, I want to say like, you know, when we started this four step session, you know, we jumped into like, resentment and like, kind of getting into it. We jumped into like, all these different inventories. And it's like, let Andy said earlier, like, there's a bunch of death threats in this chapter. And it reminds me like, why I need to do this. Because this is the first time in the process where like, we have homework. Like, we have like, we have to pick up the pen and like, get to work. We have to like, show something, you know, like, this is what I've done. And, and why do I do it? Because I don't want to die. You know? It says over and over again on 66, like, this resentment business is infinitely grave. We have found that it is fatal. Right? Because if I get, if I find that I can justify harboring resentment, or fear, or if I don't want to talk about my sex conduct and be honest, then I shut myself off from the sunlight of the spirit. Right? And when, when that type of fear and selfishness creeps back in, the insanity of alcohol returns. And we drink again. And with us to drink is to die. So like, yeah, I just don't have the luxury of harboring resentment, or fear, or any of it. Right? And so like, all of those, all of those things are poison for us. So they end this chapter with, like, that being so you have swallowed and digested some big trunks, chunks of truth about yourself. But like, basically, like, we've just made a good beginning. You know, like, we do all this work. We're like, we're ready. I've done it all. I've learned so much. And they're like, you've made a good beginning. You know, and now we're going to continue. You know, so we'll stop there for lunch. Unless there's any announcements that we need to be made. Okay, great. Thanks.