Step 4 — Moral Inventory – Joe C. – 4th Sex List – 1998 – Session 27

Bottom of page 68, now about sex. We're getting ready now to look at the storeroom back here that's filled with guilt and remorse. And it seems as though we human beings hurt each other in the sexual area probably faster and easier than we do in any other way. And I think there's a reason for that. You know, the other animals here on earth, they have a sexual urge just like we do so that they can and will reproduce themselves. But the difference between their sex life and ours is simply that they don't have this thing called self-will. Most of the other animals here on earth, they don't really have any choice in their sex life. When it comes time for them to reproduce themselves, God usually signifies that. By some physical change in the female of the species. The male senses that change, prepares himself. The two join together and it's kind of like bang, bang, thank you ma'am. And when it's over with, they normally go their separate ways. Not always, but usually they do. Now they didn't think about having sex before they had it. And they didn't think about having sex while they were having it. They couldn't decide when they were going to do it. God made that decision for them. They usually can't decide who they're going to do it with. They can't decide whether they're going to do it with one or more partners. They can't decide how many times they're going to do it. And they can't even decide what position they're going to do it in. So therefore, you see very few sexual problems amongst the other animals here on earth. I've never seen a cow on a psychiatrist's couch yet. Talking about sexual dysfunction. They just don't have those kind of problems. We human beings are a little bit different. You see, God gives us this thing called self-will. And we can make choices about our sex lives. We can have sex any day of the year that we wish to. We can decide who we're going to have sex with. We can decide whether we're going to have it with one or more partners. We can decide how many times we're going to do it, providing we're physically capable of doing so. We can even decide what position we're going to do it in. They tell me there's something like 64 different positions a human being can have sex in. I have no idea what they are. I only found three in my lifetime. And two of those damn near kill me. I'm not sure I'm going back to them. So what we're going to look at here for just a few minutes this morning is not so much as to how we do sex, but as to how we think about sex. Because how we think about it determines how we're going to do it. And that determines whether we're going to hurt other people or not. And that determines whether we're going to have to eat and eat and up with fear, guilt, and remorse associated with our sex lives. So we're going to look at it. We're going to look just a few minutes at how we think about sex. He said many of us needed an overhauling there. Now you older fellas don't get your hopes up. We're talking about mental, not physical. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes, absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. I've heard them all my life. They're the ones that say sex is a dirty thing. You ought to do it at one time, in one position, with one person only. The only reason to do it is to reproduce yourself. And if you enjoy it, it's a sinful thing. I've heard them as far back as I can remember. They are to the extremes on one side. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex, who bewail the institution of marriage, who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes, they think we do not have enough of it, or that it isn't the right kind. They see its significance everywhere. And you hear them today. They're the ones who say you ought to be able to have sex anytime you want to, anywhere you want to, with anybody you want to, as many times as you want to. You ought to be able to enjoy it every time, and if you don't, there must be something wrong with you. And maybe they call that the sexual revolution. The main thing I see wrong with it, it happened 25 years too late for me to participate in it, I know that. What happened? One school would allow man no flavor for his fare, and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. Well, we want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them? And I read that last statement with great relief, because I knew this book was getting ready to condemn me for what I had been in the past. I knew it was getting ready to tell me what I was going to have to do in the future. And I'd already made up my mind that I wasn't going to pay any attention to it at all. And I was relieved to find out that we're not going to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We simply are not going to get into that question. Now, this book is meant to be helpful to anybody, anywhere. And we start trying to tell people how they're going to have to conduct their sex lives. We start condemning them for what they've done in the past. And surely, surely, we're going to alienate people. Besides that, what's sexually acceptable in one part of the world may not be acceptable at all in another part of the world. So we simply are not going to get into that question. What we are going to see is a simple little way to review our own past sex conduct, see what we've been doing with it, see if, perhaps, we've done something wrong, perhaps we've been using it for the wrong purposes in some cases, look at those people we've hurt by it, then try to shape a sex life of the future where we can still engage in it and enjoy it, yet at the same time not hurt other people. And if we don't do something about it and we continue to hurt other people and feel the fear, guilt, and remorse, sooner or later it will block us off from God and we end up getting drunk over it. Very simple process. Gerald? Certainly. I'm not going to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct, and I needed an overhauling in that area when I arrived at Alcoholics Anonymous. And again, we're going to look at the ideas, emotions, and attitudes behind these sexual conducts that I had. And I look back in my life, and when I was about 12 or 13 years old, I got to thinking about this a lot, I mean a lot. Almost gave me brain damage from thinking about it. So I went to my mom, and I said, Mom, of course my dad's in the nuthouse, you see. I'm talking to him. So I went to my mom, and I said, Mom, I've been thinking about this sex thing. And she said, Oh my God, Benny Joe. Scared her to death. That's my name, Benny Joe. She said, Oh my God, Benny Joe. She said, That's not a good thing to be thinking about. In fact, it's a dirty, filthy, rotten thing to be thinking about, she said. And you ought to save it for the one you love. Think about that. And she said, The only time you're supposed to have sex is when you want to have children. Well, let's see, she had five children. She had sex five times, I figured. Well, no wonder my dad was in the nuthouse. But somehow I just didn't believe what she was telling me. And we had sex education when I went to school, too, but they called it recess. And also in West Tulsa, Oklahoma, there was a place called the Jenkins Cafe. And every day and every evening in front of the Jenkins Cafe, there was a gathering of very wise, intelligent, experienced men and women of about 15 or 16 years old. And they were more than glad to share with you all they knew about sex. And some of those guys told me that they were having sex with two or three different partners a night, they said. Sometimes they was having sex as many as ten times a night, they said. And, you know, the fallacy of all this, I tried to live up to that because that's what I thought of it. I never could, but I tried. And I was sober two or three years in alcoholics anomalous before I figured out they were lying to me. At least I hope they were lying to me. You better hope they were lying to you. So certainly I needed an overhauling there. When I got here, I had the spiritual knowledge of a 7 or 8-year-old boy. I had the coping skills of an 8 or 9-year-old boy. And I had the sexual knowledge of a 12 or 13-year-old boy. Do you think I needed overhauling in all those areas? How many of you got your sex information pretty much the way I did? Somewhat. I needed to sit down and look at this, didn't I? You know, I remember the very first time I ever had sex. I was very selfish and self-centered and dishonest and self-seeking. And I was also alone. That's why he's wearing glasses today, too. Every time we say that, two or three of you guys whip your glasses off and put them in your pocket. We can see it. And gals. Okay, let's look at the next paragraph now very carefully. We're going to see here the same set of instructions that we used to look at sex that we had for resentments. The only difference is they're worded a little differently, which is Bill's way of doing things. We reviewed our own comments. We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Where were we at fault? What should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. So once again, we made up a little sheet to avoid any confusion. And it looks just about exactly like the resentment sheet. We call it a review of our own sex conduct. And in this little sheet, a review of our own sex conduct, we have the same five columns. Column one, who did I hurt? Now I doubt if there's anybody in this room this morning that ever hurt anybody in the sexual area that we don't remember just exactly who that is. That seems to be a form of knowledge that we all have. There might be some question as to what do we do to hurt people in the sexual area. Well, certainly we hurt them in many different ways. For instance, if I'm in a married relationship and I go outside of that relationship, and I have sex out there, and my wife finds out about it, then surely I've created a problem from her, not physically, at least emotionally. If that sexual escapade creates a trouble between my wife and I, there's children in my home, then I've hurt my children also by the same sexual escapade. If the lady I had sex with out there, if it becomes common knowledge, I've hurt her too. If she has a husband and children, I've hurt them also. You know, one sex act could hurt many, many different people. I think sometimes we hurt people in a sexual area by demanding more than our fair share. Maybe our partner isn't too keen about having sex every time we want to. Rather than consider their needs, wants, and desires, we selfishly demand that they have sex with us when they really don't want to. Surely that creates a problem for them, if not physically, at least emotionally. I think sometimes we hurt people in a sexual area by demanding that they do things with us physically, sexually, that they really don't want to do. And once again, rather than consider their needs and wants, we selfishly demand those things. Surely we create a problem for them. If not physically, at least emotionally. I think sometimes we hurt people in a sexual area just by withholding sex. Maybe we're not too keen to have sex every time our partner wants to. And rather than consider their needs and wants, we selfishly withhold when perhaps we should give in a little more often. I think we hurt many people in many different ways, and we pretty well know what they are. Column 1, we list their names. Column 2, we list their names. Column 3, what did I do to hurt them? Column 3, what part of self is affected? Now you would think if I hurt anybody in a sexual area that it would be caused by the sex instinct. And probably part of the time that's true. Sometimes in order to get the physical, the emotional gratification that comes at the moment of successful completion of the sex act, maybe I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time with the wrong person. Because of the sex instinct. But I think if we will carefully review each situation, we're going to find that usually the other two instincts are involved just as much as sex, and in many cases even more so. And sometimes sex really doesn't have a hell of a lot to do with it. Now I'm going to express an opinion. And I want to make sure that everybody understands this is my opinion. Not AA's opinion. Not Joe's. Not anybody else's. Just mine. Today I am convinced that God gave us the sex urge so that we could reproduce ourselves. I'm also convinced He made it a very enjoyable thing so we would do so. I don't think you and I would do the kind of work involved in sex if we didn't get something out of it. Now if we're doing sex for purposes other than reproduction or enjoyment, then we might be doing sex for purposes other than what God intended. For instance, we boys found at a very early age that you can use sex to build your self-esteem. After all, the more members of the opposite sex you can attract to yourself, the greater man you really are, we thought. Now we boys... I don't know what you girls called it, but we boys called it John Wayne-ism. Joe said Jane Wayne. Some of you girls tell me that you use sex for the same purposes. Now if that's what we're using sex for, that has nothing to do with reproduction. It really has nothing to do with enjoyment. That's to fulfill a part of the social instinct. And sex really doesn't have a hell of a lot to do with it. Sometimes we use sex to buy a personal relationship. Maybe we're just lonesome. Maybe we just want somebody to pay attention to us. And we found out a long time ago we can give sex and buy back a personal relationship. Now that's not to reproduce. That's not to enjoy. That's also to fulfill a part of the social instinct. Sometimes we use sex to buy material security. Maybe we're in a sexual situation. We really would rather not even be in. But we've become so overly dependent upon another human being for our material well-being that we give sex to buy back material well-being. Has nothing to do with reproduction or enjoyment. That's to fulfill the security instinct. Sometimes we use sex to get even with another human being. Maybe we're in a relationship and our partner's gone out and done something they shouldn't have done, and it infuriates the hell out of us, and we say we'll show them and we'll go out and we'll do exactly the same thing. The fallacy in it is, is after we've done it, we can't afford to tell them we did it. But certainly we didn't use sex there to reproduce or to enjoy. We used it to get even with another human being. Sex really doesn't have a hell of a lot to do with that. You know, sometimes we use sex to force our will on another human being. Maybe our partner isn't doing what we think they ought to do. We say we'll show them, we'll just cut them off at the pass. We won't let them have any sex until they come around to our way of thinking. Now we boys aren't too good at that. We only last two days at the most. You girls have honed it to perfection. You know exactly how to do that, and I don't blame you. I would use it too for that. That has nothing to do with reproduction or enjoyment. That's to force our will on another human being. I was absolutely amazed as I filled out that document. That third column. To see what I had actually been using sex for. Two things happened to me almost automatically. As I filled out the third column, a lot of my guilt began to disappear. I thought I was just a dirty, rotten, no good S.O.B. But I found out that I used sex for purposes other than what God intended. Not because I'm a bad human being, but because I'm a sick human being in those areas. And I needed that sex to build the personal relationships and etc. And when I saw that, a lot of guilt began to disappear. Tell you another thing that started happening to me in column three. I began to get a handle on this sex thing. You see, I always thought I was over sex, and that caused me to do those things. But in column three, I found out, hell, I'm not over sex, I'm under secure. And I used sex to build my security and to build my self-esteem. And when I saw what I was doing with sex, it began to look pretty stupid to do those things. And a lot of that desire to go do it at the wrong time and the wrong place with the wrong people began to disappear. And I started getting a handle on the sex thing right here in the third column. I think it's one of the greatest things that we can do for ourselves. Especially we men. We tend to use sex to build self-esteem. And sex doesn't have really anything to do with it. We tend to use it to build our self-esteem. And when I saw that's what I was doing with it, then a desire to go do it became less and less. Column four. What feelings did I create in others? Did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? What should I have done instead? In column four, not only are we looking to see those things that we did, but we also need to be looking at what should we have done instead. We're trying to shape a new sex life for the future. Where we can still engage in it and enjoy it, yet at the same time not hurt other people. Column five. Which character defect is involved? Same old deal. If I wasn't so selfish, I wouldn't be doing some of those things in a sexual area that hurt other people. If I wasn't so dishonest, I wouldn't be sneaking around behind my wife's back lying to her all the time anyhow. If I wasn't so afraid of facing life without that sex to build my self-esteem and ego and et cetera, probably wouldn't be doing it in the first place. If I really considered my wife and my children and other human beings ahead of my own needs and wants, I wouldn't be doing those things that's going to take a chance on hurting other people. But I'll guarantee you, if I stay selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, and inconsiderate, I'm going to keep right on doing the same old things. I'm going to keep right on hurting people in the sexual area. I'm going to have to be scared to death of what they're going to do if they catch me. The guilt and remorse eats me up. Sooner or later, it blocks me off from God and I end up drunk over it. It's not a question of right and wrong. It's a question of what can we do? What can we do and live with it with peace of mind and happiness and be able to stay sober in the future? At the very least, we're going to have to do something about some of these things, or sooner or later, it eats us up. Now, once again, we're doing step four. This is the sex part. In the fifth column, we see all the information now we need for step five, six, and seven. Quite naturally, all the names in column one will come off of this sheet and be added to the sheet to be used later on for steps eight and nine. Again, I was amazed to see in many cases the same names appearing on all three sheets. Barbara was certainly on all three sheets. I even had the Internal Revenue Service on all three sheets. I resented them and I feared them and I gave them a pretty good screwing before I got through with them, too. Now, let's see what we do with this information. He said, in this way, the way it was just outlined, in this way, we tried to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. We subjected each relation to this test, well, was it selfish or not? And prayer is going to be used three different times in this, in the next page or so. Here's the first one. We asked God to mold our ideals and to help us to live up to them. We remembered always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly, nor to be despised or loathed. See, God never did give us anything that was bad. Whatever our ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to grow toward it. We must be willing to make amends for what we've done harm, provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing. In other words, we'd treat sex as we would any other problem more prayer. In meditation, we asked God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it. God alone can judge our sex situation. Counsel with others, other persons, is often desirable. But we let God be the final judge. We realize that some people are fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. You know, this is an area that I don't think we need a whole lot of advice in anyhow. I think all of us deep down inside, we know what we should be doing and what we shouldn't be doing. You know, I've never been in a sexual situation yet that was wrong that I didn't know it was wrong before I ever got into it. Didn't keep getting into it. But I never got into one yet that was wrong that I didn't know it was wrong before I ever got into it. And if you start running around asking people for sexual advice, if you ask six different people, you're going to get six different answers. And then you'll have to decide which one of those to follow. And besides that, you're going to get six different answers. But I really can't think of a worse place in the world to get sexual advice than in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. I think that's a hell of a place to look for it. I think all we got to do is listen to that little voice inside. I think it pretty well knows. And I think it'll pretty well tell us what we should and what we shouldn't do. And if we follow it, we're probably not going to hurt other people. Now suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble. Well, some people tell us so. But this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and our motives. Now if we're sorry for what we've done and have an honest desire to let God take us to better things, we believe we'll be forgiven and have learned our lesson. Now if we're not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others, we're quite sure to drink. Now we're not theorizing. These are facts of our experience. You know, I had a young fellow come to me not long ago. He's still in his 20s. And he said, Charlie, my sponsor told me I was drunk. And he said, Charlie, my sponsor told me I was drunk. Charlie, my sponsor told me I couldn't have any sex the first year of sobriety. Is that right? And I said, No, that's not necessarily right. I said, You can have all the sex you want the first year. The second year you can have it with other people. Now sometimes it's hard enough to quit drinking Make a little note. without doing some other things too. Now to sum up about sex. We earnestly pray for the right... More prayer. ideal for guidance in each questionable situation for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing now sex is very troublesome we throw ourselves at a harder into helping others we think of their needs and work for them this takes us out of ourselves it quiets the horny condition oh it quiets the imperious urge when the year would mean heartache oh bill used some fancy words didn't he huh