Step 4 – Joe and Charlie – Part 1 of 3 – 2021 – Sandy B.

and then fear begins to control and dominate our thinking, and fear controls and dominates our actions, and finally fear controls and dominats our entire lives for us. Now we've made a decision to let God be the director of our thinking. And if fear directs our thinking then God can't. So just like with resentments, if we want God to enter that part of our mind and direct our thinking We're also going to have to do something about these fears just like we had to about resentments. And again, you can't do anything about a problem until you understand the problem. And I don't think any of us are ever really going to understand that fear and where it comes from and what to do with it until we get it down on a piece of paper and take a real honest look at it. You simply can't doing these things in your mind. If we could have, we would have taken care of those things a long time ago. so bill gives us in that first paragraph on page 68 the same basic set of instructions to look at fear that he did for resentments except it's just worded a little bit differently which is his normal way of doing things so what we did is we made up another sheet of paper we called it a review of fears and i hope by now each one of you have one If not, there's some up here in the front. And they're different than the one that you had in that handout sheet. It's one we have made up and brought along separately. And once again, it has the five columns in it. First column, who or what do I fear? Now, we men, we tend to say, well, we don't have very much fear. We're tough. We're macho. but we're not talking so much about physical fear as we are all those fears that run through our minds. And almost all of us have a lot of fear. We have fears connected with our marriages. We have tears connected with the fact that we have fears related with our children. We have theories connected with their jobs. We have figures connected with a police department. We have fears connected with the Internal Revenue Service. We have peers connected with the federal government. We have fierce connected with the church and we could just go on and on and on enlist the many, many fears that we human beings have. All we have to do is take them out of our head. Do column one, just like resentments top to bottom while we got one thing and one thing only on our minds. And I was really surprised when I filled out column one to realize how much fear I really did have. Just like resentment, you can only see one fear at a time in your head. And I don't think any of us will really realize how Much Fear controls and dominates our thinking until we get them all down on a sheet of paper and see how much Fear we really do have. column two what is the cause of the fear there's got to be some reason or something behind that fear what are they going to do to me am i perhaps going to go to jail am i going to lose something with a material value am igoing to lose face will it result in a divorce will it destroy a personal relationship? Might I lose my job? There's got to be a reason behind each fear that we have. Column two, we simply put down the cause of the fear. Now this is not an attempt to psychoanalyze. You know, I'm not going to say that I'm afraid of the dark because mother sent me on a potty sideways when I was two years old. Just like with resentment, some fear is useful if used for the right purposes. You know, fear brings caution, and fear can keep me from getting hurt. I'm supposed to be a little bit afraid of the dark anyhow. Why? Well, I don't have headlights and I can't see at night, and that brings caution and keeps me from being hurt. I'm a little afraid of heights. Why? I don' t have wings and I ca n't fly, and that keeps me form getting hurt, but if those fears should keep me form going outside after dark or keep me from riding in an elevator, then I better get them down on this sheet of paper and look at them and see what's going on. Most of my fears will be centered around basically one of three things. Nearly every fear that I've got is caused by the fact that I'm scared to death I'm going to lose something I've already got. I'm afraid to death that I'll not get something that I want or I'll have done something to hurt another human being and I'm scared to death what they're going to do about it whenever they find out. Nearly every one of my fears will have a basic root cause. I simply put down the cause of the fear. Column three, what part itself is affected? Just like with resentment, I can't experience fear unless there's a threat to one of our basic instincts of life. If you do anything to threaten my social instinct in any way, my personal relationships, my self-esteem. It creates fear. If you do anything to threaten my security, material or emotional, it brings fear. If you doing anything to threaten my sex life, it brings fair. Once again, as I filled out the third column, I began to see where fear really does come from. Just like with anger, I never knew where anger came from. I never know where fear came from either. But today I realize fear comes from a threat to one of the basic instincts of life. And also, just like with resentments, I find that it depends upon whether my instincts are under control or what my relationship is with God as to whether I'm going to experience that fear or not. If my instincts were under control, and my relationship with God is okay, you can say and do just about anything you want to to me and I'm not going to experience any fear from it. But you let my instincts get out of control and my relationships to God go bad and then just about everything you do to me creates fear. So once again I begin to realize how important these basic instincts of life are and how important my relationship with God is to determine whether I have to react with fear or not. Fourth column, what did I do? If I didn't do anything to cause that thing that's experiencing the fear, I simply put down nothing or unknown. But in most cases, I'll find that I have done something based on self that puts me in the condition of having to experience that fear. Just like I found with most resentments I had done something based on self. Fourth column, what did I do, if anything, to set the ball rolling and set in motion trains of circumstances which led to my being in a position to have the fear? I'm not afraid of the Internal Revenue Service unless I've done something that I shouldn't have done. I'm not afraid of the police department unless I've done something I shouldn't have done. I'm Not Afraid of the Federal Government Unless I've Done Something I Shouldn't Have Done. I'm NOT Even Afraid Of the Church Unless I'VE DONE SOMETHING I SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE. And in almost every fear, I can spot what I did to set it in motion, just like with resentments. Fifth column. where had I been selfish dishonest self-seeking frightened and inconsiderate you know we're now in the fifth column looking at the exact nature of the wrong the wrong is the fear that's what's blocking me off from the sunlight of the spirit but what's the exact nurture of that wrong or that fear if I had not have been so selfish I probably wouldn't have been doing those things that put me in a position to experience that fear if I hadn't been so dishonest I wouldn't be cheating the internal revenue service in the first place if I haven't been such a frightened individual all my life I wouldn' t be doing those thing that caused me to experience fear if I was more considerate of other human beings and less selfish, I wouldn't have to experience so much fear. I see the same basic character defects in the fifth column that creates the fear that created the resentment. We'll just use one example if we can get Glenn to write it for me. One name that I had not only on the resentment sheet but I also had it on the fear sheet was the Internal Revenue Service. God, I hated them, but I was scared to death of them too. What was the cause of that fear? Well, they were about to put me in jail. That's why I was so afraid of the Internal Revenue Service. What would that affect? Well, that would affect my self-esteem. That would affect myself. That would impact my security. That would effect my sex life. It would affect all my basic instincts of life. Now, what did I do myself to create that fear? Well, I cheated on my income tax. That's what I did. I actually was defrauding the federal government and I got caught at it. Now, in the fifth column, I can see if I hadn't have been so selfish, if I haven't have done this, if I had not been so dishonest, I wouldn't have doing that in the first place. And if I hadn't have been doing it in the first place, then they wouldn't have caught me. And if they hadn't of caught me, they wouldn' t be trying to throw me in jail. So once again, I see in that fifth column the old character that I had become that causes me to do the things that causes my to experience the fear. Remember way back in step three there was a statement says we invariably find that we made a decision based on self which later put us in a position to be hurt. And if we carefully and honestly look at these fears, we'll find in almost all cases that's true. Now you can bet your boots out in column five if I stay selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened, and inconsiderate, I'm going to keep right on doing the same things I've always done. I'm gonna keep right experience in the same old fears and eventually fear will block me off from the sunlight of the Spirit and it's going to end up causing me to get drunk. So we've done the same thing here we did with resentments. We're doing a part of the fourth step inventory right now. So we'll just put a little four up at the top of the chart. Out in the fifth column we see the exact nature of the wrong, those things within us that caused it in the first place that we're going to talk to another human being about in step five. In the fifth column, we see the defects of character we're gonna become willing to turn loose of in step six. In the sixth column, we see what's going on and we see where we see the shortcomings we're gunna ask God to take away in step seven. And quite naturally, many of the names in column one will be people and institutions that I've harmed. They will come off of column one. They will go on the list to be used at a later date for steps eight and nine. And what really amazed me is that I saw many, many names appearing on both sheets. I resented Barbara and I feared Barbara. I still fear her a little bit today. If she ever really does find out everything I was doing 26 years ago, she's probably going to file for divorce again. I resented the police department. I feared the police depart... police department I resanted the Internal Revenue Service. I feared the Internal revenue service. I had never tied those things together in my mind. Never had I been able to see how closely resentment and fear resembles each other nor how closely the two were tied together in almost all cases. I think it's one of the most revealing things we can do for ourselves and really look in our minds, see what's been going on and see the truth of them. And the amazing thing is the truth always is that usually I myself based on those character defects put myself in a position to experience the fear and the resentments. And even if I didn't do anything wrong to them, if I wasn't so selfish, I wouldn't have to be afraid anyhow. If I wasn'T so afraid of losing what I've got, I wouldn'T have to BE so afraid. If I WASN'T so AFRAID of not getting what I want, I wouldn'T have to BESO afraid. I begin to see the root causes of fear just like I see the Root Causes of Resentments. A very revealing thing. Joe? Okay, on page 68, we're going to give a solution to these fears and the emotions of fear. He said, perhaps there's a better way. We think so. For we're now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. We trust our infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role he assigns. Just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on him does he enable us to match calamity with serenity. Now, we never apologize to anyone for depending upon our Creator. We can laugh at those who think that spirituality is the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it's the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. We never apologize for God. Instead, we let Him demonstrate through us what He can do. And here's some more prayer in the fourth step. We ask Him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be and some promises at once we commenced to outgrow fear and i seen that when i could see the the resentful hateful nature that i had become because of my selfish and dishonest and self-seeking frightening considerate nature that i could say that i was relying upon myself that i need to rely upon god that that was the only solution then i begin to turn to god even more so and asking god to direct my attentions and direct my feelings and thoughts and actions and at once i commence to outgrow fear to a point that i hardly have any fears left today and those of those kind i have other fears the natural healthy fears as charlie said i mean i have the kind of fears that would keep me from walking out in front of a truck you know but i had all those old fears they used to keep me awake at night and i used to worry about and i used to retaliate at people and become vicious and mean i don't have those fears anymore as a result of doing these prayers and to being able to look at the at the fears in my life and to see where they came from and to accept them honestly and to face them factually and to ask god to remove them they're all gone those types of fears i just think this little file cabinet i had up here in my store yesterday that was filled with fear has now been emptied out. If you think resentments look stupid on paper, wait till you put your fears on paper. They really look stupid on paper and probably 95% of them are going to disappear when we see the truth of them and see how dumb they really are. There may be though four or five fears that have been embedded so deeply so long that we may have trouble getting rid of them and joe just read the second prayer on step four in step four in the big book we ask god to remove that fear just like we prayed for those we resented we asked god to remove this fear and we asked him what he would have us be instead and the book promises at once we commence to outgrow that fear and if we take those fears individually one at a time pray for their removal asking what god wants us to be instead we are guaranteed that those fears will disappear and i think one of the reasons it works is because prayer asking god to remove that fear is one ofthe greatest acts of courage that we can possibly have and after a while courage and faith is going to replace that fear and to my absolute amazement again i realized that i didn't have to go to any other fellowships or read any other books to find faith and courage if god dwells within me that's always been a part of my makeup i just never could use it before in my chase for money power prestige sex those things had to be repressed and I had to operate on resentment and anger and fear. But now that the fear is gone, faith and courage can automatically come to the surface. And the part of my mind that used to be filled with fear is now filled with faith and courage. A very positive happening. Nothing negative about this step at all. Two-thirds of my store has now been straightened up. resentments were removed and replaced with love patience tolerance compassion and goodwill fear has been removed to the extent god wants it removed and placed with faith and courage so automatically i'm in less chance of getting drunk now than i was before i started the inventory process a very positive thing now the third common manifestation of self is the guilt and the remorse that we feel associated with those people we've harmed in the past and those things we've done. And if I want God to direct all my thinking, then we're also going to have to start doing something about that guilt and remorse. And just like with resentments and fear, I can't really do anything about it until I can really see the truth of it. And I can't see the truth of it in my head. I've almost got to go to a sheet of paper to see the proof of it. To see the true truth of these things also. Now, it seems as though we human beings hurt other people easier and faster in the sexual area than we do in any other way. Probably the reason for that is because we human being not only have physical sex, but we also become emotionally involved in sex. You know, the other animals here on earth, they have a sex life too in order to reproduce themselves. But the difference in their sex life and ours is they don't become emotionally engaged or involved. Theirs is purely a physical thing. Their sex life is done at God's direction They don't have self-will. They can't decide whenever they're going to have sex. In most cases, they can't decide who they're gonna have sex with. In most cases,they can't decided whether they're gonna have s ex with one or more. Usually,they can't even decide how many times they're gonna do sex. And they can even decide what position they're gonnado it in. That's all done at God's direction. amongst the other animals here on earth. I've never seen a cow on a psychiatrist's couch talking about sexual dysfunction. They just don't have those kind of problems. We human beings are a little bit different. You see, not only did God give us the sex urge to reproduce ourselves, He also made it a very enjoyable thing so we would do so. And at the same time, he gave us the ability to make decisions about sex. You see, we can do sex any time we want to. Any day of the year we want it, we want sex. Any time we're going to do it, we can choose who we're going to have sex with. And we can decide whether we're going to be able to have it with one or more partners. We can decide how many times we're doing it, as long as we're capable physically of doing so. and we can even decide what position we're going to do it in. They tell me there's something like 64 different positions a human being can have sex in. I have no idea what they are. I only found three in my lifetime, and two of those damn near kill me. I'm not sure I'm going back to them. So what we're gonna do is we're Gonna look for just a few minutes. not so much at how we do sex but as to how we think about sex because how we think about it determines what we're going to do with it and that in turn determines whether it's going to hurt other people or not and then that determines whether we're going to be satisfied with it whether we'll be eaten up with guilt remorse fear or whatever so Bill has given us a very simple way on the next two or three pages to take a little look at our past sex conduct. Bottom of page 68. It says now about sex. Many of us need an overhauling there, and certainly I needed an overhauling there. And later on in our book it says that we don't want to be the arbitrator of anyone's sex conduct so we all have sex problems. We would be human if we didn't. What can we do about them? Well, I'll tell you about my sex deal and I'm going to tell you where I got my ideas about sex and once you hear about where I got my ideas about sex, you will not want to know anything from me about sex. And certainly I don't want to be the arbitrator of anyone's sex conduct and I wouldn't pretend to be and neither does Charlie and neither did this book. But when I was about 12 or 13 years old, my dad was off in the nuthouse and I am home thinking a lot about sex. I mean, I'm thinking a lot about it. You know, there's more than one obsession and I was thinking a Lot about so I went to my mom and I said mom what about this sex thing? And she said oh my God Benny Joe that's my name Benny Joe Benny Joe. Yeah, she said that's not a very good thing for a 12 or 13 year old boy to be thinking about and this is her attitude. She said it's a dirty filthy rotten thing to do and you ought to save it for the one you love. Think about that. Well, somehow or another I just knew that wasn't right, okay? So I went to the only source of information that was available to me. And in West Tulsa, Oklahoma, in front of the Jenkins cafe, there was a group of young men and women about 15, 16 years old who were extremely wise and intelligent about the ways of the world. And they knew everything there was to know about everything. And they told me all about it. And these guys were telling me that they were having sex with these gals sometimes eight and ten times a night, they said. and sometimes with two or three different women a night they said now the fallacy of all this was that i was sober three or four years in alcohol it's anomalous for i figured out that they were lying to me i hope they were lying tome but the point is i based my sex life upon what they were telling me that's the only thing that i had to base my sex lives on and i got into a lot of trouble i told you i've been married and divorced to two women seven times it wasn't just for drinking it was drinking and other things got into a lot of trouble and i remember after i got married the first time and and it was a while i went out on my wife and i remembered as if it was yesterday that really did hurt me i mean it really did hurts and i told myself i wouldn't do that anymore, but I didn't not do it anymore. I continued to do it. And later on, I did it again and it didn't hurt as bad the second time as it did the first. And then the next time it wasn't as bad as it was the second times. And on and on and it got to where it didn't hardly hurt at all. Then I got married again and began to do the same things. And it got where it didn?t hurt at al. See, I didn? t know what I was doing, but I was compromising principles. I was comprising myself, and I did not know that. And you see, when you don't have any principles to live by, ultimately you don'T have any reasons to live. And that's where I found myself. I had compromised every principle known to man and to God, and I didn't even know that I was doing it, you see? Until I got this all down on paper and began to look at it. And I can remember it distinctly, the very first time I had sex. And by the way, we had sex education when I was in school too. They called it recess. But I remember the first time I had sex, I was selfish, I was dishonest, I was self-seeking, I Was frightened, and I was inconsiderate, and I Was also alone. Just think about that. That's why he's wearing glasses today too. That's what's wrong with him. There's a couple of guys back there who jerked those glasses off. I wonder how many of us got our sex education as Joe did. Can I see your hand? Several of us. Got it the same way that Joe did you know we get here with a spiritual knowledge with a sexual knowledge of 10 11 12 13 year old kids hell no wonder we have troubles in the area of spirituality and sex we learn those things as kids growing up we tried to make a part of our lives we get here and we find out that most of that stuff wasn't true in the first place no wonder we had problems in those areas. No wonder we have trouble with personal relationships we talk a lot about that I didn't know how to have a personal relationship with anyone. I never had a single personal relationship with anyone I didn' t know how. I was totally uninformed or ignorant to the facts I didn''t know how Now about sex Many of us needed an overhauling there. Now, you older fellows don't get your hopes up. We're not dealing with physical. We're going to be dealing with emotional sex. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off the track. Here we find human opinions running to absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is a lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation. I've heard them all my life. They're the ones that say sex is a dirty thing, that you ought to do it at one time in one position with one person only. And the only reason to do It is to reproduce yourself. And if you enjoy it, it's a sinful thing. I've heard them as far back as I can remember. They are extremes on one side. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex, who bewail the institution of marriage, who think that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes. they think we do not have enough of it or that it isn't the right kind they see its significance everywhere and we hear them today they're the ones that say you ought to be able to have sex anytime you want to, anywhere you want to, with anybody you want too you oughta be able enjoy it every time if you don't there must be something wrong with you maybe they would call that the sexual revolution main thing I see wrong with it it happened 25 years too late for me to participate in any of it one school would allow man no flavor for his fare, and the other would have us all on a straight pepper diet. Well, we want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about them? And I read that last statement with great relief because I knew this book was getting ready to condemn me for what I had been in the past. I knew it was getting ready to tell me what I was going to have to do in the future, and I'd already made up my mind that I wasn't going to pay a bit of attention to it. And I was glad to find that we're not going to be the arbiter of any one sex conduct. You know, this book is meant to be helpful to anybody anywhere when they want to use it. And if we start trying to tell people how they're going to Have to Do Sex, and if we Start Trying to Tell Them What's Right and Wrong in That Area, then certainly we're going To alienate people. And besides that, what's sexually acceptable in one part of the world may not be acceptable in another part ofthe world. So we're not even going to get into that question, period, as to what's right and what's wrong. What we are going to do is see a way to look at our own past sex conduct and see if maybe we've harmed some other people with it and see si if maybe we should not develop a new sex life for the future if necessary to where we can live with it still enjoy it but at the same time not hurt other people because if we continue to do some of the same things we've been doing then sure certainly we're going to hurt some people and if we do then the guilt and the remorse and the fear is going to back up and sooner or later block us off from the sunlight of the spirit and may end up causing us to get drunk so bill gives me a very basically the same set of instructions in the next paragraph on how to look at my past sex life as he did for resentment and fear, just worded a little bit differently, which is his way of doing things. We reviewed our own conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Whom had we hurt? Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? Were we at fault? What should we have done instead? We got this all down on paper and looked at it. And the book recognizing again, you can't do these things in your head. You've got to get it on paper to see the truth of it. So we made up another little sheet. It looks just like the resentment sheet, only we called it a review of my own sex conduct. Not somebody else's, but my own sexual conduct. My own sex contact. Column one. Who did I hurt? I doubt if there's anybody in this room this morning that's ever hurt anybody in a sexual area that we don't know exactly who it was. that seems to be a form of knowledge that we all have. There may be some question as to what do we do to hurt people, and I guess we hurt people in many ways in the sexual area. You know, if I'm in a married relationship like I am, I go outside of my marriage and have sex out there, and my wife finds out about that, then surely I've created a problem for her, if not physically, at least emotionally. if there's children in my home and what I did out there creates a serious problem between my wife and I then I've hurt my children by the same act if the lady I had sex with out there if it becomes common knowledge I'll hurt her too and if she has a husband and children I've heard them one sex act could hurt many many people not always directly but in many cases indirectly I think sometimes we hurt people in a sexual area simply by demanding more than our fair share. Maybe our partner isn't too ready to go every time we want them to. And rather than consider their needs, wants, and desires, we selfishly demand that they have sex with us when they don't want to do that. Surely we create a problem for them when we do that, if not physically, at least emotionally. Sometimes we hurt people in a sexual area by demanding they do things with us that they really don't wanna do. And again, rather than considering their needs, wants, and desires, we selfishly demand that they do those things with us. Surely we create a problem for them, if not physically, at least emotionally. Sometimes I think we hurt people in the sexual area simply by withholding sex. Maybe we're not too keen to go every time our partner wants to. And sometimes rather than consider their needs wants and desires we selfishely withhold sex when maybe we ought to give in a little more often. Many ways we hurt people in the sexual area, I think we all know what they are. I think we know who we've hurt. Column one, who did I hurt? Column two, what did I do? Column three affects my. Which part of self caused me to do what I did? Was it caused by the social instinct, the security instinct, or the sex instinct? now you would think if I hurt anybody in a sexual area it would be caused by the sex instinct and probably once in a while that's true maybe to get the emotional and physical gratification that comes at the moment of successful completion of the sex act maybe I'm doing the wrong thing at the wrong time with the wrong person because of the sex instinct but I think if we very carefully review these things and look at them honestly. I think we're going to find in most cases the other two instincts are involved just as much or more and maybe sex really didn't have a hell of a lot to do with some of this stuff. For instance, we boys found at a very early age that you can build your self-esteem through sex. After all, the more members of the opposite sex you can attract to yourself, the greater man you really are, we thought. And we boys call that John Wayne-ism. I don't know what you girls called it. Jane Wayne. But some of you tell me you use sex for the same purposes. Now, I'm going to express an opinion and I want to make it clear it's just my opinion, not Joe's opinion, not AA's opinion. Not anybody else's opinion just mine. i'm convinced that god gave us the sex urge so that we would reproduce ourselves if we didn't have that and didn't reproduce ourselves the human race would fail to survive i'm also convinced that he made it a very pleasurable thing so we would do so i just don't think you and i would do the amount of work involved in sex if we and get something out of it. And it is one of the most pleasurable things a human being can do. Now, if we're doing sex for purposes other than reproduction or enjoyment, maybe we're doing sex por reasons or purposes other than what God intended. For instance, if I'm using sex to build my self-esteem, that has nothing to do with the sex instinct. That falls under the social instinct. Building my self esteem through sex, and sex really doesn't have anything to do with that. now sometimes we use sex to buy a personal relationship maybe we're just lonesome maybe we just want somebody to pay attention to us and we give sex to bye back a personal relationship now if that's what we're doing with sex that's not to reproduce that's not to enjoy that's also to fulfill a part of the social instinct and also emotional security. Sex really doesn't have much to do with that. Sometimes we use sex to buy material security. Maybe we're in a sexual situation we'd really rather not even be in, but we've become so overly dependent upon another human being for our material well-being, we give sex to buy back material security. That has nothing to do with reproduction and enjoyment. That's to fulfill the security instinct. Sometimes we use sex to get even with another human being. Maybe we found that our partner's done something they shouldn't do and we say, we'll show them. And we go out and do the same identical thing to get evenly with them. The fallacy in it is after we've done it, we can't afford to tell them we did it. But there, we didn't use sex to reproduce or to enjoy. We used it to get uneven with another human being and sex really doesn't have much to do with that. Sometimes we use sex to force our will on another human being. Yeah, maybe our partner isn't doing what we think they ought to do. And we say we'll show them. We'll just cut them off at the pass and we won't let them have any until they come around our way of thinking. Now we boys aren't too good at that. We only last about three days. But you girls have honed it to perfection. You know exactly how to do that. And I don't blame you. I'd use it that way too if it worked for me. That has nothing to do with reproduction or enjoyment. That's to force our will on another human being. Sex really doesn't have much to do with that. I was absolutely amazed when I began to look into that third column to see what I had really been doing with sex. Two things happened to me almost immediately. The first thing that happened to be is a lot of my guilt began to disappear. I thought I was just a dirty, rotten, no-good SOB. But I find out that I did those things sexually that were wrong, that hurt other people. Not because of a bad human being but because of the sick human being. And I used sex for purposes other than what God intended to fulfill the social instinct, the security instinct even more than I did the sex instinct. And when I began to see that it began to look kind of dumb to use sex for those purposes. and I begin to get a little bit of a handle on this sexual thing, I begin the see that if that's what I'm using sex for and sex really doesn't have anything to do with that, then it's kind of dumb to go out there and do those kind of things. And that desire to go do it at the wrong time in the wrong place with the wrong people began to become less and less and more. You see, I always thought I was oversexed. No, I wasn't oversexED. I was undersecure. And I used sex to build my security and to build myself esteem. And I don't think any of us are going to see that until we get it down on this paper and honestly look at it. Column 4, what feelings did I create in others? Just like the book said, did I unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? What should I have done instead? We put this down on paper and look at each particular case. What should I have done instead of what I did do? Column 5. What's the exact nature of the wrong? Now, the wrong is the harm that I've done to another human being. But what's the exactly nature of it? What's within me that causes me to do those things in the first place? I see the same basic character defects. If I hadn't been so selfish, I probably wouldn't have been doing some of those things I was doing that hurt other people if I hadn't been so dishonest I wouldn't be out there sneaking around behind my wife's back lying to her all the time if I had not been so afraid of facing life without that extra marital sex without that thing that comes from that I might not have been able to do it I would not have done those things in the first place if I'd been more considerate of my wife and my children I wouldn't be putting myself in positions that end up hurting them, which in turn causes me problems. Same basic character defects creates the sexual harms it does any other. Now if I stay selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, frightened and inconsiderate, I'm going to keep right on doing the same things over and over and again hurting other people then experiencing the guilt and the remorse and the fear associated with it sooner or later it blocks me off from the sunlight of the spirit and i end up getting drunk over it so we look at the sex thing just like we did resentments just like ?? did fears this is not a list of dirty filthy nasty items it's simply a review of our own past sex conduct joe okay it says on page 69 in this way the way charlie just described the way the book just described in this way we tried to shape a sane inside that sane ideal for our future sex life we subjected each relation to this test was it selfish or not the book doesn't care how you do sex if you want to do sex hang it upside down from a tree limb by your toenails that's fine with the book but if you force another human being to do it in the same manner then they don't want to that might be for selfish purposes. That's the main thing. Is it for purely selfish reasons or not? And we're going to use prayer three different times in this area of sex. And the first one is here. It says, We ask God to mold our ideals and to help us to live up to them. Remember always that our sex powers were God-given and therefore good, neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised or loathed. Whatever ideal turns out to be, we must be willing to go toward it. we must be willing to make amends where we've done harm provided we do not bring about still more harm in so doing in other words we treat sex as we would any other problem it's some more prayer in meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter the right answer will come if we want it now God alone can judge our sex situation counsel with others is often desirable but we let God be the final judge We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. We avoid hysterical thinking or advice. You know, this is an area that I don't think we need a whole lot of advice anyhow. I think all of us pretty well know what we should do and what we shouldn't be doing. About all we really need to do is just listen to that inner voice and let it kind of direct us as to what we ought to do. I have many, many people come to me in this sex area and they'll ask me a question about it and my usual answer is, well, what do you think you ought to be doing? And invariably, if they're truthful, they already know the answer. We avoid trying to get sexual advice from too many people. Some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose about sex. Besides that, I can't think of a worse place in the world to get sexual advice than among the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Now, that's an area I don't think any of us are too damn competent in in the first place. Maybe we ought to just listen to that little inner voice. It usually knows what we oughta be doing. He says, suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble. Does this mean that we're gonna get drunk? Well, some people tell us so, but this is only a half-truth. It depends on us and our motives. now if we're sorry for what we have done and have an honest desire to let God take us to better things we believe we'll be forgiven and have learned our lesson now ifwe're not sorry and our conduct continues to harm others we're quite sure to drink so we're not theorizing these are facts of our experience now to sum up about sex more prayer we earnestly pray for the right ideal for guidance in each questionable situation for sanity and for the strength to do the right thing if sex is very troublesome we throw ourselves the harder into helping others we think of their needs and work for them and this takes us out of ourselves it quiets the horny condition oh excuse me it quiots the imperious urge when to yield would mean heartache old bill used some pretty fancy words in here didn't he could have he could've said horny conditioning just as easily okay here's what we've done on this sex inventory now same thing as with resentments and fear we're in the process of doing step four at the present time so we just put a little four up at the top of that sheet again out in the fifth column we see the exact nature of the wrong that we're going to discuss with another human being we see character defects are going to be in step five we see that character defects we're going to become willing to turn loose of in Step 6. We see the shortcomings we're gonna ask God to take away in Step 7. And quite naturally, all the names on Column 1 on this sheet will come off of this sheet and go on the list to be used at a later date for Steps 8 and 9. And again, I was absolutely amazed to see the same names appearing on all three of these sheets in many cases. barbara was most certainly on all three of these sheets various other different names appeared on all three sheets too never had really tied that together in my head until i put it all down on paper and looked at it a very revealing thing now we're going to suggest you do one more thing the book doesn't say to do it here but sooner or later it has to be done we've made up another little sheet and we're handing it out now that is a review of harms other than sexual. And if we'll go ahead and list all these other names and people we've hurt in any other way other than sex. Column 1, who did I hurt? Column 2, what did I do? Column 3, what part of self is affected? column four what feelings did i create in others column five what's the exact nature of the wrong if i'll do that then when i'm through with this sheet i will have all the people i've harmed in any way period and when i get to steps eight and nine i'll have the complete list i'll not only see who i've armed but in all cases i'll see the part that I've played in it. And if I can see the part that I've paid in each one of these harms, then it's going to make it a lot easier for me to make my amends later on when I get to steps eight and nine. But if I don't see the truth about those harms, see the parts that I really played and what part of self caused me to do that, then its much, much harder to make those amends. You see some of those people I didn't even know I'd heard them because I had covered it up with resentments for such a long period of time. But if we do this inventory the way the book says, we not only end up with all the people we've hurt, but we see what caused us to do it, the part we played in it, and it's going to make it much easier to do 8 and 9 when we get to it. So we'll do this other sheet just like we did the others. And when we're through with it, then we'll have the entire list. Page 70, last paragraph. If we've been thorough about our personal inventory we have written down a lot. We have listed and analyzed our resentments. Now you see the word analyze. A lot of people say utilize, don't analyze. But here's the word utilize in the book. To analyze something simply means to get down to the truth of it. You know, we have taken a searching, fearless, moral, truthful, analytical inventory. We've gotten down to the truth of all these things. He didn't say so, but we've listed and analyzed our fears. We've listed an analyzed our people we've hurt by our sex conduct. We've listened and analyzed people we heard in any other way. We have begun to comprehend their futility and their fatality. We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. We have began to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies. For we look on them as sick people. We have listened to people we've hurt by our conduct and are willing to straighten out the past if we can. You know, we said all along this is a positive happening. My God, if you and I have begun to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies. This is a hell of a personality change already. See, we don't have to wait until step 12 to get something out of this. Each step brings something good for us. We're beginning to change. In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. If you've already made a decision, which is step three, and an inventory of your grosser handicaps, which is step four, you've made a good beginning. That being so, you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself. Now I think the book recognizes here in step four we're not going to do a perfect job. We've listed and analyzed our grosser handicap. What are the grosser handicaps. Resentment, fear, guilt, and remorse. What are the grosser handicaps? Selfishness, dishonesty, self-seeking, frightened, and inconsiderate. The kind of character we have become, those old character defects. We've looked at all those things. We're listed them. We've analyzed them. I think one of the mistakes in AA today is everybody's sitting around and wait until they get well before they take step four because they want to take it perfect. And you can't take it perfectly. We do the best we can in step four. This is removed enough from us to allow us to get on with the rest of the steps. There's another step later on that's going to continue this inventory process. We're going to be doing this for the rest of our lives, and as time goes by, we'll learn more and more and More about it. Really, I think these gross handicaps, that's about 100% for me anyhow. As I look back through my life, I can't spot an emotional problem that didn't evidence itself in one of three ways. I was madder than hell at something or somebody. I was scared to death about something or I'd done something I shouldn't have been doing and guilt and remorse was eating me up. As I project into the future, I don't see any emotional problem coming up that won't revolve around one of those three things. Madder in hell, scared to death, or eaten up with guilt and remorse. This thing is pretty well complete for people like me. Now, I don' t know whether you all have noticed or not, but if you ever noticed that nearly all the information in the big book on sex is on page 69, i don't know that that means anything but that's where most of it really is you won't tell them about the young lady yeah this young lady she's having a lot of trouble with sex when she got sober been sober about six or eight months and she went to her sponsor and she said sponsors said since i've been sober i've had a lot of problems with his sexual relations i just don't know how to do sex when i'm sober always did it when i was drunk she said well I'll tell you what to do you go back home and you get out your big book you turn to page 69 and on page 69 it will tell you all you need to know about sex and what to doing about it she said fine thank you so she went back home and she got out her big book and she forgot the page numbers instead of turning to page 59 she turned to page 96 and she began to read there so let's turn to pages 96 and see what she read that's one of the most appropriate things i've ever read it just goes on and on and on. A little humor in the book if you can find it. Okay, we've now finished up our inventory. Thanks for listening.