Step 4 and the Third Column – AA SA WORKSHOP – Part 3 of 3 – Tim M.

Okay, so has anyone got any questions about 4, 5, 6, and 7? Here we go. A number of questions, but maybe I'll just start with one and see if other people have questions, but I do have a list of questions. First question is, have any of you heard of The Gentle Path Through the Twelve Steps? Has any of us heard of The Gentle Part Through the 12 Steps ? No. It's a workbook on the twelve steps. No. From Patrick Hansen. There are lots of different workbooks, so yeah. Just ask me if you're a bit, so then scrap that one. So I'll just start with two questions. Number one, I find the practical process of writing step four, as it's brought in the big book, very rigid and I find, you know, it might be that I'm not doing it with my sponsor because he's overseas and I'm supposed to call him but as of now he gives me direction but I'm just following what he said but I am not sitting with him and doing each question with him together And I find it very rigid, and I don't necessarily relate to all the details, like the seven parts of self. And the resentments that I write, I don' t necessarily always feel that they connect to one of those seven parts of self or what are the four things that I've done wrong, you know, self-seeking, afraid, selfish, or fourth one. Dishonest. DishONEST, yeah. I don't know, I just feel the whole thing a little bit rigid and I find it a hard time relating to it. That's question number one. Question number two is also I find it very depressing that the whole stress is about character defects and we don't discuss the character assets as well. Those are my two questions. Should I take a crack at it? Would you just summarize that question because I'm not sure the question will get recorded from here. it's a long question yes the prep process of doing step four and number one there are parts of self which don't get addressed in step four and secondly the character assets are not looked at let me take the second question first my assets won't get me drunk therefore I don't need to spend a great deal of time on them because for me this is about recovery from a hopeless condition and my condition is truly hopeless and for the sake of efficiency I need to get rid of the bad stuff so that the good stuff can come up Um, I, I'm going through step four to be rid of my resentment, my fear, my guilt, and my shame. Um, i don't need to look at my generosity and decency in this process. Um, that's the first part. But the second part is, look, step four is not an intellectually complicated exercise. It is a simple exercise. There are many areas of self. You could look at Freud, you can look at Jung, you could look all sorts of, you know, the whole school of psychology and there are manifold areas of self that are not addressed. Step four is not intended to be a deep analysis of the human ego. It's meant to be straightforward and simple exercise that gears itself to people who are in a pretty desperate state, and who need a spiritual solution, and how do you get to the spiritual solution as quickly as possible? And therefore, I know that in my third column that what I'm trying to do is really put my finger on why Susie pissed me off. Right? And those questions, is it pride, self-esteem, security, ambition, personal relations or sex relations, they're trying to get to a basic premise and that is other people need to behave well, so I'm okay. So as long as I believe that the behavior of other people is the factor or the variable that dictates my serenity and peace, I'm screwed, right? So my demands and expectations of other people are what's behind the third column. But how you get at that because each resentment's a little bit different in terms of how you arrive at that answer. But what I found going through step four is that once I've done 15 of these things, what I see is every resentment kind of looks the same once I peel back. So Susie stepped on my foot but Billy stole my car. But What's Affected is the same in each case. So let me see, Tim, Do you want to take an attempt at answering that? Okay, so first point is if you think about a computer, you've got some physical hardware. Then you have the software on the computer, and then you have the user. Now, what step four is? Actually, let's look a little bit more about what the software is. So the hardware is your physical body. The user is your spirit, which happens to be living in this physical body The software is the set of ideas that you were given at some point Which you use to process everything you perceive and then direct your action So software on a computer has input and it has output The input is all of the things happening to you. It processes it and then there's some output. And the reason that you're doing a step four is the output in your life is awful. So let's look at where the software is going wrong because the input you're getting, same as everyone else's input, but in you it's producing terrible output. So there is a problem with the software. Now, the software is the set of ideas that you were given at some point. Out of all of the ideas thatyou ever heard, these were the ones that you produced the software with. In step four, we're interested in the software and what is going wrong in thesoftware. Now, all the bits of the software which work, we don't worry about. We're just interested inthe bits ofthe software that don't work. But the important thing is, the reason we don' t need the assets is because it doesn't matter how terrible the software is, we're not saying anything about you. We're saying something about your software. So you as the user of the computer, you don't judge your value as the use of the software. You judge the user at the computer by how good the software is when you bought this. You didn't even write the software, you bought the software from someone. So that's why when I'm doing step four, what I was told is everything I find is everything that I'm not. It's all of the ways of behaving that I've been taught, which are not natural to the child of God that I really am. It is all of false ideas. So whatever I discover is not me anyway. So that's why I don't need to feel bad about it. I don' t need to feel guilty about it, it's just bad wisdom, bad processing uh in terms of getting step four to actually mean something that's a tricky question one thing is really helpful sometimes people say oh i don't have any resentments i'm very nice person um but although the first so you've got three main inventories you've Got The Resentment Inventory You've Got the Fear Inventary You've got the sex inventory now the resentment inventory you'd think well it's just about resentments but it's not. It says in dealing with resentments so well it is about resentment. In dealing with resentment we set them on paper. We list a people institutions principles with whom we were angry. Oh okay so it's no just resentment it's resentment and anger. We asked ourselves why we were angery blah blah blah our personal relationships were hurt or threatened. So this is about where I'm resentful, angry, hurt and threatened. Then sore or burned up, where I feel injured, where I feel that I'm being interfered with in some way. So actually it's an index not just resentment, it's a index of any situation which upsets me in any way at all. So everything falls within the scope of this inventory. And then with the seven areas of self, sometimes the words pride, self-esteem, personal relations, sex relations, ambition, security and pocketbooks, when I say well which of these areas is at effect, I might not connect to those words which is why I was given definitions of those words for the purposes of this exercise. So definitions which are slightly different than the dictionaries definitions which are slightly different from what you how the words are used generally when my pride is affected it's because i don't like how people think about me their view of me when my self-esteem is affected i don'T like my perception of myself the image of myself i have in my own mind sucks i DON'T like it personal relations and sex relations personal relations is when I don't like how you're treating me. Sex relations, it's the same but in a sexual context. Ambitions is when i don't get what I want. Security is whenIi don't get what i need. Pocketbooks is when my finances are affected. I have yet to find any situation where I am emotionally disturbed where one of those seven is not affected. It's It's usually several of them. But if you define those seven areas broadly enough, it does capture everything. And just one little last thing. On page 67, when you come to the fourth column, you look at your behavior. It says we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Blah, blah, blah. where were we to blame when we saw our faults we listed them we admitted our wrongs honestly and we're willing to set matters straight so when I do it it's not just selfish dishonest self-seeking and frightened it's where am i making mistakes where am I to blame what are my faults which is the full list of list of all character defects and and lastly the wrongs which is where I've harmed someone else. And even if I've done nothing wrong, the fact is there is a mistaken perception there. That's why that question is so important. What were my mistakes? If I'm upset and I haven't made a mistake, I must remain upset forever. And then my emotions depend on your behavior. I don't want that. I want to have made a mistake i want to be wrong because if i've made a mistake i can change if i can change your behavior can stop affecting me so boy do you want to find mistakes that the more mistakes you get the freer you get of the people that you don't want them to be in charge of your emotions so that's my take on step four any more questions I think so when I first read that step that was a big fear of mine that was my big question if God removes all these defects of character am I going to be this saint well I can tell you now after eight years in AA I'm certainly no saint um but it also does say in the big book that what we look for is spiritual progress rather than perfection and there are certain character defects of mine um certain behaviors that are really really entrenched really really entrained um and I can kind of go through the motions of God you know please remove this from me please remove this from and yet they're kind of still they're still there um I still struggle with them on a daily basis so I'm absolutely no sane but what I have found is that there are certain defects that used to plague me so so much which when I really focus when I apply these steps to those problems they loosen they they start to dissipate they start they start to disappear and then i'm like oh great and you know three weeks later a month later six weeks later they're back again and it hit me again um reminds me in the big book there's a wonderful line that what i really have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of a spiritual program so for me every day in order to ensure that these really manifest character defects aren't plaguing me aren't dictating my life i've got to be being talking about the good samaritan i've going to be trying to do god's will throughout the day in the morning during the day evening and i think we'll come on to that that later um but you know my most glaring defect my alcoholism my desire to drink that obsession to drink or to you know to use pornography whatever it might be when applying these these principles and really handing that over to god um i am now long i'm i no longer desire to drink i'm placed in a position of neutrality god has removed it for me you know with that problem it worked and that gives me hope that on other problems it too can work will i be a saint well i'm not really interested in the same progress rather than perfection um and it's continually dependent on my connection with god on a second by second basis um so yeah no saying in short i am a saint all my defects have been removed and one thing that my sponsor says which i found really helpful was spiritual progress is only recognized in retrospect don't worry about your character defects today just try and practice the virtue correspondent with the defect today and you know six months down the line you look back and i realized that oh i'm no longer thinking the way i was thinking i'm not longer behaving the way I was behaving and i did it wasn't some great act of god from the heavens and it wasn t some great act of will on my part is just a very you know very ordinary come to a fork road in the fork in the road do i choose to behave or think like this or do i try and choose to pay or think like that and if i choose it to behave i think like this way repeatedly over days and weeks then gradually that defect seems you know gets removed that's what I have to say thank you other questions It's a thing, you know. I can understand it, I don't understand, no. Do you understand? So is the question how do I practice these principles on a daily basis? No, no, how can I do the first step on principles in my life, about resentment on... Principles. Yeah. Well, give me an example of a principle that you have a resentment against. Yeah, my clothes. They disturb me. So what do I need to understand? In the bridge, John said, My father and mother, I can't understand. He has a sick... It's a thing, yeah, I'm not... I don't understand, I don' t know how to explain it. Are you asking how to do an inventory on a principle and how you apply the bridge passage to the... What's a bridge passage? Oh, so you've got three columns. So first column, second column, third column, then it's a page and a half from the bottom of page 65 to the middle of 67 where it's just going blah, blah, bla, bla before you get to write again no, no it's later than that it's the bit where it talks about praying for the other person and how could you escape from your resentments and so on so you've got two bits of writing and it bridges the two bits of writing, so that's the bridge passage And the idea of the bridge passage is to, we'll take the idea of, so you tell me, when you resent having to wear certain clothes, why does it affect you? Many things. I can't choose my, go to the shop and choose clothes, you know, for the freedom, my taste. So, the first thing you do is, although it starts to be about a principle, pretty soon You discover in the third column that, well, the reason I'm worried about being, let's say, in a non-Jewish area. People know you're Jewish straight away if you're dressed a certain way. Oh, well. So I'm worries about what other people think about me. So this is just like a normal resentment now. This is like a normalmente resentment against this person or that person. So there's a problem with pride. um let's say well i want to wear this and i have to wear that and that's this is not an exclusively jewish question anyone that works in an office and has to wear a suit is going to be asked it's going to but i don't want to work there are lots of so this is this is a universal problem not a specific problem so this will be well my my ambition is that i want aware what i want to wear when i want to wear it you discover which of the seven areas you have the problem in pride self-esteem and what i do in the bridge passage is most of the bridge passages i've got a i've got to look at it from another angle and with pride there are different ways of getting over each of those problems in each of Those seven areas and just very briefly how i get over those when I'm worried about pride it's because I believe that what other people think about me means anything. That's the mistake so that's what I write in the fourth column is the mistake, the belief that if other people don't like me or look down on me or disrespect me that it means that I'm worthless. That was just a mistake doesn't mean anything. When I have a poor image of myself I'm forgetting that I'm a child of God that is the solution in the self-esteem thing with personal relations sex relations ambition security and pocketbooks all of those five come back to a single mistake and the single mistake is I would be happy if everything were different and I don't know about anyone else I've had lots of experiences when I get precisely what I want and five minutes later it's not good enough and it hasn't fixed me so when I look at resentments doesn't matter whether it's a resentment against a person or a principal when I look at the third column and say its personal relations sex relations ambition security pocketbooks what's really happening is I'm upset because I haven't got my own way. But when I get my own way, I'm not happy anyway. So I'm upset because I can't have something that doesn't make me happy when I get it. And I start to see the insanity that I'm not unhappy because of you or him or her or this or that or the principle or the thing. I'm just unhappy and I'm blaming all sorts of things. The real reason I'm unhappy when I'm unhappy is because I'm separate from God, because I think I'm separate and different from everyone else. That's the real reason. It's just it's all being projected out. Once that real problem is solved and I get reconnected with other people and reconnected with God, it doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter if things go my way. Does that answer it? Shall we see? Yes, yes. Just to add what you just said, is there anywhere where I can find this, like what you said, the definitions of the seven, yourself and how you found the mistake? Absolutely. So one thing I'm going to do, there is a little list here. If you want to put your first name, email address and number if you like as well so that we can communicate with you, we can send stuff to you. if we hold further events we can invite you along but also I can give you my card at the end, there's a website on there which has got all of the material other questions on 4, 5, 6 or 7 ask him when doing my sex conduct I couldn't work out the third column when I'm resentful hurtful it's one of these seven powers if I've done something wrong sexually to somebody I couldn't work it out it's a little bit different when it's about our sex conduct it's not the four column inventory anymore it's on page 69, coincidentally enough. It asks a series of simple questions which is... and have you been through these questions? No. Okay so the first full paragraph of page 69 we reviewed our own conduct. So I take a pen and I write down specifically areas of my sexual conduct that have been less than they should have been right so I'm gonna put relationship number one here relationship number two here I'm going to put people I flirt with in a meetings here people I flirt with at work here the hooker I hired three weeks ago here and I'm going to either put names of significant romantic relationships, names of significant sexual relationships and then I'm going to put down categories because if I put down everyone I've ever slept with the list would go on forever. So I basically have the categories broken out and then i ask each one of these questions and I try to keep that list at about 10 or 15, 20 people max or 20 categories of people. And then I answer the question, where was I selfish with respect to them? Where was I dishonest? Where Was I inconsiderate? Whom had I hurt? So was it just that person? Or was it, you know, if I'm sleeping with somebody's partner, how about the other partner that i heard um did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy suspicion or bitterness in relationships that's much more applicable right where were we at fault what should we have done instead and what should be done instead so we simply go through and answer those questions it's not the four column inventory it's different with resentment straight to the fourth column yes precisely or not to the point it's a separate inventory but it looks like other questions? if I want to change I want you to let my job I want your children so you never left your job? since I was the age of 22 I've either been working or in school or in university well since the age of 18 so okay Ari here's I resent the need to have to wake up every morning at 6.30 on the weekdays and get on the DLR which is crowded and go up the escalators at Monument Station and go to work and I want to stay in bed. I want sleep later. I want read the newspaper and I wanna have yoga classes and I wan to exercise and I wana see my friends. However, I think about the consequences of those actions and the consequences of those action are not acceptable to me and oftentimes when I say I'm resentful that I have to get up and go to work part of it is that I'm resentment I stayed up so bloody late last night watching BBC instead of going to bed earlier and getting five and a half hours of sleep instead of eight hours of sleep so it's give and take I mean most most of the time I find that I'm like you know Tim uses this expression i'm a sucking vortex of need right and what do i need what do i want i want money power prestige comfort sex looks and thrills that's what i want but the problem as he said is that when i get them they don't do it they'll do it for you know a day a week a month but eventually the shine wears off of these things um So basically, if I don't want to work, I have to accept the consequences of not having any money, of being bored all day, of not having a purpose. And so I have two beds, and part of that's being a grown-up, right? I have to work. I think there's another question there as well. When I do the step four, I discover the thousand things that I don't like. And I discover that the reason I'm so unhappy about things is because I have a thousand demands. The more demands I have that things be a certain way, the more unhappy I'm going to be. Once I arrive at a position of peace, there might be things that it is legitimate to change. This is where the serenity prayer comes in. The serenety to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can. But then, I would be changing from this job to that job, not because I'm angry and upset and whatever. I'm changing from this job to that job because I will be more useful in the second job. So the question of emotional disturbance is different than the question of how should I live? Who do I spend my time with? Where do I work? All of those, they're I can't let the decisions about what I do be affected by how I feel. Otherwise, it's a seven-year-old child inside me making all the decisions. And seven-years-olds don't make good decisions, which is why we don't let them vote. Shall we pause? Shall we have a little break at this point? And then five-minute break and then go on with eight and nine?