Step 4 and the Resentment Inventory – Herb K – Workshop – Part 24 of 25 – Herb

Good morning, good afternoon, good evening wherever you are in the world joining us for our big book step telephone workshop. My name is Herb and I'm an alcoholic I would invite you to breathe deeply and recommit to an open mind and an open heart requesting divine intervention or whatever it is that you believe is available to you as a power other than yourself and pray or at least Express the commitment, the willingness to have an open mind and heart through the set-aside prayer. God please set aside everything that I think I know about myself, my brokenness, my spiritual path, and you for an open mind and a new experience of myself my brokeness, my spiritual path, and especially you. Please join me in the serenity prayer. God, grant me the serentity to accept the things I cannot change. courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference we've entered into the real work of the 12-step process the real the work of human development we're doing an inventory not a judgment not a negative appraisal not a guilt or shame based journey through our past no please don't do that nothing negative nothing deconstructive it's really about a very constructive review of facts the truth values beliefs motives and it's a deep dive I didn't realize that till actual I had done this work three different times over a ten-year period oh I was having new insights and new information but I didn't realize the impact in terms of transformation until I had actually experienced it look back over my shoulder as I paused on the path to evaluate what was the journey like what did I experience what was impact what was the outcome the first time I did step four out of the big book I was five years sober and the men who took me through guided me he was a step guy 1988 he introduced me to the fourth column of the resentment inventory we haven't looked at that yet we will not maybe in another couple weeks and that was the beginning of the transformation I won't make much comment about it now I will later on and the next time I did the work with another step guide he He introduced me to the third column in the way that I've introduced you to it. The point of my comment is that my experience was progressive. Perhaps your experience will also be progressive, so just be patient with it. The real key here is to show up, attempt to be consistent as you can, be as diligent as you can knowing that you can't be consistent and diligent as you hold your standards to usually and it's just fine wear it loosely i'm not cutting you any slack and i'm certainly not giving you permission to not do the work but i am saying honor your humanity and honor Your life. It's in session and it's your path and there's no timetable. But if you wait to do this work until you have time, you will never find time, especially now. You may have already had that experience with the reading and listening assignments. but now with the work assignments with this analytical self-reflection confrontation self-confrontation it's not something that you will show up for because you like it or because you enjoyed it you will all show up and do it because you believe in it because Because you have suffering and you know this is the surgery that will remove the cancer eventually. Not by Saturday, but eventually so that you can heal and be whole and be happy. It's absolutely my experience. at this third column in the second time I went to the work was very embarrassing because I'd already had a spiritual awakening three years earlier through the fourth column process taking full responsibility for my perceptions and my feelings and my reactions and my behavior and my life readers digest version of the impact of this next feature that we'll be looking at in a couple of weeks. But interestingly enough, from my standpoint, in 1988 when I did this work and had the experience with the fourth column, I had 80 resentments on my list. I'm not suggesting that's a criteria, I'm just stating that was my experience. And here I am 1991, three years later having had a spiritual awakening, having finished my ninth step the prior journey and I still have 80 resentments when I come to creating my resentment list. And they're the same ones. Now I didn't know that that was a sign of some ineffective behavior, some ineffective instruction with regard to the big book. I know that today, and I can save you that heartache and that headache. Right after Bill gives us the basics of Column 3, as I indicated, he just gives us the vocabulary. He doesn't give us any definitions for these words in what I call the third column on page 65, and he doesn't tell us what to do with it. He just lists the words and I guess expects us somehow to intuitively make some connection which is what the man did in 1988 with me and I did it I connected the column three words with the column one and two lists without really understanding what I was doing it was kind of like a crossword puzzle or matching it up or some type of I did the best I could with what I had and nothing changed because there were no definitions and there were not specific instructions. And three years later when I came to do the work again, I had the same 80 resentments, the same really powerful deep resentments. But this man gave me this third column instruction that you've had and then proceeded to give me the instructions on page 66 and 67 concerning the removal of deep resentments this is a crucial piece of the work from my standpoint because of its effectiveness so I'm asking you to take a look at your list of resentments that you have there's no minimum there's no maximum it's just your list I have suggested that if you have more than 20 that you limit it to 20 not that you stretch to find 20 no no no but if you have more then 20 look at the most substantial ones and use those 20 or Or some place in between 10 and 20 if you have as many as 10. Because once you do this work, column 3, column 4, in the analytical way that I've had exposure to and now experience with, once you've done three or four different people or different institutions or different events or circumstances you will see a redundancy a pattern certainly but our redundancy one of my teachers Richard Rorschach's what we do any one place we do every place I've never seen it as true as in this work how many variations on self-centeredness mine can there be and And that's, of course, what Bill says is the root of the problem, doesn't he, on page 62? Selfishness dash self-centeredness exclamation point. We think this is the route of the question. This is the problem. And so in the approach to the third column, it's very analytical. As I've indicated, it is about identifying our beliefs. That's not in the big book, that's clearly. But it's clearly my experience with it. so I use the vocabulary to try to help you have an experience with this third column it's not about answering the questions on the worksheet correctly there's no correct edge no no there's no right or wrong answer there's just helpful or unhelpful answers helpful or unhelpful reactions and responses does it give you a further insight or doesn't it it's not about robotic filling in the blanks this is not a tax form to complete for somebody's review this is a tool that is a prompter for you to begin to know and identify underneath the underneath the underneath what your story is what your script is what the myth is about your life that you've created nobody created it for you you created it consciously or unconsciously probably a combination of both as a survival mechanism it's not right or wrong it's just what is and every human being does it we create a myth we create mask we create story we create a persona we create Hollywood storefront think of those Russian dolls that you see in gift shops I think they call them nesting dolls the Russian calls it matryoshka every one of them inside inside inside inside looks the same and yet each one is bigger as you unpack it or smaller as you pack it and i look at the outside and i see the hollywood storefront and i don't know that it's a mask that I've created as a survival mechanism one of the metaphors I use is that we use these concrete blocks to build a wall to protect ourselves no no no that's legitimately biologically physiologically psychologically sociologically what we do using the bass Maslow hierarchy of needs kind of a model or prototype we start with biology we go to psychology we go into sociology and then we go the theology or our human ology in terms of our own personal maturity rite of passage and development into adulthood and this is an attempt to unpack the story so that we can see actually the truth rather than the story that we've created we create this wall out of cinder block to protect ourselves survival at the very basic level safety at the very basic level and then when we get some consciousness as an adult we realize that we've not built a wall to protect ourselves we built a prison to encapsulate ourselves and the whole point of this work is the dismantling of that wall the disillusion of the mask pouring sulfuric acid on the hollywood storefront and having it disintegrate so that the true self literally the real self can be identified and emerge and I very glibly but very intentionally indicate that this work penetrates the unconscious Freud said the work of the human being is to make the unconscious conscious otherwise we end up with the delusion that were a victim of fate or other people's malevolence ill-will it's never been more true than it is today at least here in North America a culture of victimhood it's always somebody else's fault no sorry and this is very confrontational I don't mean to offend you but I do mean to confront you sitting here right now listening to this or watching this either live as we are right now or as a recording you have exactly the life that you have created and it's nobody's fault it is your responsibility ah her easy does it no sorry heavy does it here it is my absolute experience and this is the beginning this work here of looking at identifying our beliefs in this third call as I've mentioned probably in prior conversations a very shortcut technology to understanding and identifying our beliefs is the word should. I should, you should, we should, life should. The word should is a key word that will identify your beliefs. Now it may be healthy but it gives you an opportunity to know what you believe and if in fact it's not healthy by your standards or maybe your sponsors I was the last to know then you have a choice you don't have a choice if you don see an alternative but that's a wisdom phrase that's why consciousness is so important when I am conscious I have alternatives when I am conscious I see I make a mistake when I am conscious my mistake does not name me it's just a mistake I made and I go I'm so conscious I say I make him mistaken now I can immediately correct it and because I'm so conscious and the more conscious I am I can correct it with more effective solutions that's the whole point of this journey of awakening having had a spiritual awakening aka becoming as conscious as we humanly can be at this particular time in our personal development today I'm more conscious than I was last year last year I was more conscious than I was in 2000. In 2000, I was more conscious than I was in 1990 and I look back over my shoulder and I can see that I didn't see and I can know that I did know and that's a predictor of the current and the future which brings about some humility unless defended today when in fact life doesn't match my should because then I know something's wrong with my should. I have a delusion. I don't see reality as it is, I see reality as I am. Now the truth is, and all psychologists and scientists know this, I only can see reality as I am, those are the lenses through which I look, there is no other way to see reality. And therefore the conclusion is I will never see reality as it is. That's an awareness I just got last year. I always thought that I would see clearer and more clearer and eventually see reality as it is. And I realized, no, I never will. Because I'm always looking through my lenses. And in fact, I've become aware in this last year of some science. I'm not a scientist. I'm trained. I am not educated in any of the sciences. But I listen to people who are credible. And the scientists talk about the very fact that we look at something changes the something. Not just changes me, it changes the SOMETHING. And that's one of the things, the calculations they have to make in coming up with conclusions because the very observation of the reality changes the reality. no literally changes the reality so we just do the best we can this process especially here in column three and then in column four is very analytical we're not used to the thinking this way literally thinking this way pausing reflecting ruminating analyzing it's difficult but it's not impossible I've never had anybody not be able to do it I don't care what their intelligence or educational level is they've all been able to do it but they need help I needed help I could not do this I I had the first exposure to this in 1991, this third column and the structure that pretty much you have today in that third column worksheet. And I had to meet with the man who was taking me through the work three different times with three different sets of examples. And each time I got clearer with his patience and with his experience and with this help. So be patient with if you have somebody a a sponsor, a step guide, a buddy, some type of a companion who has the experience not the blind person leading the blind, person you'll both fall in the pit of making a mistake concerning the interpretation of the instructions. It really requires an experienced person with this worksheet to help you or maybe you can listen to the recordings on the web as I unpack it in several recordings and other people interact with me as we then dialogue about getting more refined in their analysis of self-esteem and pride and security and ambition etc they can be quite helpful as well as the writing in my book of people have told me it's quite helpful in my 12 steps to spiritual awakening in chapter 4 it's all about inventory and verbally there I try to articulate in writing my analysis my approach my experience it's good as far as it goes but having a dialogue like it is we're having here and will have as we have our dialogue together is really the only way that you can really get to the back-and-forth and get underneath the underneath you underneath see here's the issue if I have glasses on and if they were blue my reality everything I see would be blue if they were pink everything I say would be pinning so the problem is with this looking at the third column is we're looking through our lenses to try to see reality but we're not looking at the lens because it's what we're looking through this work allows us to look at the limbs what's the lens my belief oh it's blue no wonder everything looks blue or in my case being quite specific and practical. I looked through the lens of my self-centeredness, specifically in self-esteem that I'm entitled, I'm special, I am unique, I m the best in whatever it was I was looking at or thinking about. And also, I should be cut some slack. There was some sort of a victim underneath the underneath. Well, when I look through those lenses at reality, reality doesn't cooperate with that because that's not the way they see me. They see me as reasonably intelligent, reasonably well-educated but very flawed and somewhat narcissistic. A word I was not acquainted with in 1988 or 1991. But as I did this work and then I had some supplemental therapy, I was able to correlate the work I was doing here with the psychological processes and understanding and they came to another embarrassing conclusion I'm very delusional I have glasses that are very distorted and therefore I see reality in a very demented way no wonder I suffer and no wonder have trouble with relationships those bedevilments that we looked at the unmanageability that is the human condition so I have these deep resentments I'm asking you to take a look at the list that you have of deep resentments and just make a check mark on the ones that are really deep some of them are mosquitoes some of them are white shark we're talking about the white shark I had a deep rage and resentment about my father I had some deep resentment toward my mother my sister lots of deep ones toward my wife I had four bosses that were on the list historically I had had only four bosses and every one of them did not understand me and I thought it was them and then I had a coach from high school that was on the lists I mean I'm 48 51 years old respectively doing this work and I'm holding a deep resentment from high school yeah that's just the human condition is what is a deep resentments or my father who was dead already 12 years yeah that just human nature I had that list in 1988 then I had the same list in 1991 I saw the truth in 88 but I didn't see how to get rid of their resentment until I I did this work in 1991, and he gave me this assignment, the one I'm about to give you right now. Read and highlight pages 66 and 67. A page and a half Bill dedicates to a prayer practice and process that removes deep resentments. Now you may have heard, and what you may be thinking you're hearing from me, which you're not, but you may Be thinking you're hearing from me is I'm about to tell you to pray for them I am NOT it's a wonderful spiritual practice but that's not what this is here this suggestion on pages 66 and 67 it's actually the construction of a prayer and an attitude that I need to be released I need be released from my resentment and I can't do it and I ask for intervention divine intervention through prayer that the whatever it is you believe to be a power greater than yourself enters into your heart in your soul and your very marrow of your being and surgically removes this deep resentment now we'll unpack it in two weeks when we get back together again I'll go back over it and talk about it but I wanted to give you a context an overview and an approach to it so that when you read it and highlight it you'll really see on page 67 the prayer we ask God to help us we ask God prayer to help Us divine intervention we're not praying for the person with whom we have a deep resentment you're welcome to do that it's an authentic and powerful spiritual practice that's fine but that's not what we're talking about we're talk about you praying for you we're talking about you asking the divine healer the divine surgeon to enter into and remove from you this deep resentment more to come as we meet next time in two weeks and perhaps as you read and highlight this and listen to the audios the recordings that are on my website that will unpack this in a way that would be very parallel what we'll do in a couple of weeks now here's the good news I said I got this instruction in 1991 the second time I went through the work of the third column in 1994 three years later when I was doing the work again with a different man getting different instructions and I came to this construction of a column one and column two not one of those 80 resentments was on my list yeah not one certainly not the superficial ones but all of the white shark all of deep ones and I had eight I just mentioned them we're completely gone I had a memory of course of the work I did in the feelings I had had but I didn't have the feelings legitimately they were neutralized now see there's freedom not just of course with this tool that I'm giving you here because I did finish the fourth column I did do the fifth step I did the other steps through step nine and I understood the forgiveness process more of that to be real later on revealed later later on so I don't mean to say that this is fairy dust a magic wand not at all it's part of an integral process one piece of a tool one tool in a set of tools bill uses the kit of spiritual tools phrase theology this is just one tool in this whole process of being released and finding freedom steps four through nine it's a guarantee freedom from our addiction but freedom from ourselves and freedom from history and freedom from my story and freedom from our suffering pretty amazing journey so I'll recap read at the bottom of page 65 but mostly 66 and 67 67 down to the and not including the paragraph that says referring to our list again that paragraph the second full paragraph is about the fourth column we're not going there yet we're just focusing on the third column and we'll spend some weeks on it because it's that important it's a tool that will allow you each of us to penetrate the unconscious so that we are clear on the beliefs that we have. We are looking at the lenses through which we look and we can then make a decision as to whether they're healthy, clear lenses or whether they're distorted lenses that need to be either tossed with getting a new pair of lenses or reground so that we see a clearly reality approximately as it is more accurately than we do now each of you now continue with doing that third column talk about it with your sponsor or step buddy or somebody who has experience with it so that they can do what we've done here on the call kind of tease out the insight and or confirm the process for you. Please join me in the serenity prayer. God grant me the serenities to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference. Thanks everybody.