Step 4 and the Mask He Carried Around for Years – Charlie C.

About This Speaker Tape

Stateline Retreat 2006 - 2006

A lifelong battle with fear and a fragmented self-image Charlie C. describes a life spent 'revving the engine at 5,000 RPMs in park.' He recounts the crushing remorse of a drunken affair in 1969 and a career of 'goddammit moments' where he felt fundamentally separate from the rest of the human race. A writer by trade he uses the image of a bullet hitting water to describe his trajectory: high velocity at the start only to trickle harmlessly to the bottom. He finds an unlikely salvation in the dirt of Clancy's yard where shoveling horse manure and playing terrifying games of softball with ex-cons taught him the grace of surrender and the value of being a 'poop scooper' in a community that finally accepted him.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:45 Charlie C. introduces the assigned topics of sex and fear.
• 4:12 A story about a 1969 affair with a married woman and the resulting shame.
• 8:30 The 'bullet in a swimming pool' metaphor for his life's trajectory.
• 12:15 Discussion of objectifying people as a character defect and the role of the 'mask'.
• 16:40 The 'shaft of light' in the bar and his disdain for the 'cattle' of the human race.
• 21:10 The struggle to become a writer and the fear that led to procrastination and drinking.
• 24:50 The role of a sponsor and the metaphor of the hand on the small of the back.
• 28:15 Laughter: Stories about shoveling poop in Clancy's yard and finding self-worth.
• 32:40 The terror of playing softball with Marv R. and the lesson of surrender.