Step 4 and the Defiance That Kept Her from Higher Power – Mary R.

About This Speaker Tape

A small town in Illinois, eyelashes frozen shut and pants wet from the snow. Mary R. describes a life of "mediocre but continuously ongoing nonstop alcoholism," where she played the part of the "sniveling, kiss-ass, people-pleaser" while drinking like a pig. She recalls the reckless wreckage of her youth—jumping out of cars at seventy miles an hour and the "insane motherfucking shit" of battery and betrayal. For years, she remained "bristly," a woman with a hardcore exterior who terrified people in a minute.

The turning point came not with a gentle hand, but through the desperation of a woman who forgot the Lord's Prayer at her first meeting. Mary speaks of the grit of early recovery—shaking like a whale in meetings without treatment centers, where a wallet in the mouth was the cure for a seizure. Through the steps and a Higher Power, she faced the "relentless" battle of mental illness and a seventeen-foot fall that left her quadriplegic.

Topics

Timestamps

• 0:00 Introduction and Mary M. thanks the committee and Al-Anon speaker.
• 5:15 Mary M. discusses the importance of Tradition 5 and keeping AA focused on its primary purpose.
• 12:40 Laughter: Story about breaking into a country club pool in high heels.
• 18:20 Mary M. describes the 'bristly' nature of her personality and her struggle with detachment.
• 25:10 Discussion on the 'double winner' status in AA and Al-Anon.
• 32:00 Mary M. describes the 'old school' way of withdrawing from alcohol in meetings without treatment centers.
• 41:15 Mary M. recounts the trauma of her car-jumping days and her surrender at her first meeting.
• 48:30 Mary M. discusses the necessity of treating mental illness alongside the 12 Steps.
• 54:10 Mary M. shares the experience of her 17-foot fall and subsequent paralysis.
• 62:00 Emphasis on the Tenth Step and the danger of 'two-stepping' the program.
• 71:00 Mary M. reflects on a 'white light' spiritual experience and the importance of a sponsor.