Step 4 and Resentments – BB Workshop – Part 5 of 14 – Bill L.

In a case, how do you handle a situation where you absolutely, and I've been through this, I have one resentment that's there after three human tours, and it's the one that's still there on my list. I have not been able to come up with anything. I didn't contribute. I know that, you know, as you said, my wife who I have is, you now, why is it current with, you know, that I can acknowledge. But in terms of dealing with it in fourth column areas, is forgiveness the only thing then that remains? Because otherwise my fourth column is blank on that person. I just cannot come up with anything that I did or I could have done to either contribute or prevent I'd have to and we certainly won't get into it now but in order to give you a better answer I would have to know more about that particular piece of inventory but in a case like that the big thing for me is playing God not accepting the other person for who and what they are I know exactly what you're talking about by stuff showing up on multiple inventories and I'm pretty happy with the fact that some of the stuff that was on last year's inventory and the inventory before that are not in this year's and when I thought about that this morning the conclusion that I came to is that one of the prayers I've been saying is to help me accept this person for exactly what and who they are. And evidently, that's manifested in my life because I don't have to write inventory over at this time. But we can get more into that, into the particulars about that afterwards. Today, it's not that important. Again, this tool of writing out the third column has also been very beneficial for me because I've been able to see even before I get to the fourth column that when I write inventory this way that my troubles are of my own making. My troubles arise out of myself or said a different way, my troubles or my resentments arise out if my thinking. I mean, I'd grab at that if I could. but he had to because that's the way to get rid of it. We'll talk about that after. For sure. A tool that I've passed along and used is to meditate on, Lord, how can I see this differently? How can I get a different perspective? How can i internalize this differently ? I was pretty amazed. Mike knows the gentleman I'm talking about, but I'm not going to even say to him who the person was. Not too long ago, I heard someone's fifth step, and it was amazing how this person's ego was controlling them and I could even see it as we touched upon a couple things in their fifth step. And I finally just said to him, listen, you know, I'm not sensing any freedom from this and we had talked about it for a little while and I said to them, why don't we just pray? And I went to the bathroom and they came back and we kind of prayed together and he came out of the meditation and he was white and this was a pretty extreme thing and he goes, right this second, I no longer have this resentment. And I was like, what are you talking about? What happened? He goes, I went within and I meditated and a really strong voice or thought or sense of consciousness said to him or he realized or was inspired or whatever you want to call it, but this was during meditation. And he said that I just realized that I am a spiritual being and that no matter what anybody does or no matter what this person did, they cannot harm me. And he was white as a ghost and he's like, I've never experienced anything like that but right this second and still to this day, this person is absolutely free of this resentment and it was a very extreme thing and it wasn't an amazing thing to sit there and watch this happen to this person. It was just unbelievable and even he was just like free because he was just like, this is something I have carried with me and it has been a huge thing in my gut for most of my life and right this second I have no resentment toward this person and that is the weirdest thing. And like just amazing sometimes the things that happen in meditation or in inspiration or in the willingness to be free of something, all of a sudden some new perspective or you're at a meeting and you just hear some little twist on seeing it just a little bit differently and all of the sudden poof, it's just gone and and it's so incredibly beautiful. After writing several inventories and making several, several, several amends, I just really know in my heart and really know in my gut that just as myself, every single person is going to act and behave the best they can on any given day, on any giving moment, in any given situation. And the only way I know that is by my own inventories. The stuff that I write down in inventory, if I didn't have to live that way, I wouldn't. You think I'd be carrying around resentments today if I couldn't? I'm doing the very best that I can possibly do with where I'm at today. And that saves me from resentments today when I can see that constant flow of truth. If you harm me, or I won't even say that, if you do something that at one time could cause me to think that you harmed me, but it doesn't affect me today, that's because I'm seeing that you're given your very best shot at this particular moment. You're giving it all you have. You're as spiritually fit as you can possibly be at this given second. And I'm free. And there's times, and this is where the 10th and 11th step come in so handy, is that there's time where I go throughout my day and two, three, four, five years ago I would have gotten the resentment I would have had to write extensive inventory on it on this situation and it would have taken me a while to get free of it and today I'm able to just to have that truth it's not something I bring about it's just a truth that's within me that you're doing the very best you can on any given situation just as I am and that helps me as I go through my day to day life but that's not something that I mustered up that'snot something that I can use as a mantra so to speak it's just a truth that I've seen from doing this work and having gone through the steps time after time after again I think what I want to do and then we'll wrap it up is just complete the fourth column and again with my disliking being overweight I had talked about the parts of self that it affects. I had touched on the selfishness my selfishness and then I wanted to talk about the dishonesty the self-seeking where fear is in that. Dishonest I really don't believe being powerless over food is equivalent to being powerless over alcohol. Another dishonesty by diverting from sane and normal eating, by eating a cookie or something like that, I delude myself into thinking I can without consequences. And the third thing on dishonesty is I dellude myself by thinking I can lose weight without exercise, which is also another part of the selfishness that I'm unwilling to set aside time during the day to exercise. Self-seeking, I sometimes seek comfort from a late night snack or dessert. Frightened, fear of getting outside help, fear of being this way is the way I'll always be and fear that it will affect my health as I get older. now if this is the truth that I really see in the fourth column a change is bound to come you know, I can't I can not go on living the same way knowing this truth it's like we say all the time about it's impossible to drink on the truth it's possible to walk into a liquor store and and put the bottle of whiskey up on the counter and say to the salesman, you know, I'm going to buy this whiskey, but I know the things that it's going to do to me. I know that once I take a drink of this whiskey I'm gonna be drinking the entire bottle. I'm gunna go home, I'm guna beat my wife, I'm guna throw my dog out the window, I'm gumna push the refrigerator across the room, I'm probably not gunna show up for work tomorrow, I'm gimna end up in handcuffs and, you know... I mean, that's the truth. That's the truth when it comes to drinking. The salesman across the counter from me would look at me and say, Are you crazy? You're going to drink alcohol and that's what it does to you? And if I were to drink on the truth, which is impossible, I'd have to look at that man and say yeah, I am crazy. so I already see some freedom coming up for me with this stuff because again I have to delude myself from the truth I have be blinded from the true to go on with any resentment to go living the way I have been anything else you want to add? is that dishonesty? yes do you ever hide your eating habits from people? No, not that I can recall. Then that would have been dishonesty. Right. Or it could be designated hither. Yeah, that's what I meant. For you baseball fans. It's a new abbreviation, D slash H for dishonesty Hey, it's my inventory. I'm resentful at Bill. Made fun of my inventory Something that and I don't know if this applies for you John, but something that I know has always been all over my inventory in as many words is they're not acting the way I want them to. It's a foreign plane God. That's a former plane God an unrealistic expectation and they're nicht acting the we I want him to. Those are the two things that I saw again and again and it's funny in hearing fifth step it's always like they find some truth and then they're getting ready to go on to the next one and I'll always say and they aren't acting the way you want them too yeah that too it's just kind of funny how it's everywhere because that's a foreign playing God so that's the resentment inventory in its most extended form three hour version again we ran over but that's pretty much normal you can write about us who wants to lead to pick people for discussion part of the meeting next week we'll get into the fear and sex and harms inventory, and hopefully we'll finish up, and then the week after that we'll get into step five. Thanks for letting us share. Hi everybody, my name is Bill, I'm an alcoholic. Hey Bill. Starting next week my baseball league starts on Wednesday, so I don't know how much I'm going to be here. So Mike is throwing me a bone, plus he's sick to just cover tonight, and then he's going to, that was Mike if you were wondering, he's gonna do next week and I guess hope for rain outs. I mean, I don't know. And we looked into changing this to Tuesday but the church is being used on Tuesdays so we'll just see how things go forward. I'm volunteering to have it in my house. No, I'm just saying that we'll see how things go forth because again, it might be a moot point, it might rain a couple times or... Is there a meeting next Wednesday? We are having a meeting over the next bunch of Wednesdays. for those that were here last week we covered the resentment inventory it actually took us two weeks to cover the resentment inventory which must be a record as you saw the resentment inventory not only analyzes our resentments but also has a two page pause after the third column for us to soften our heart and move in the direction of forgiveness. It gives us an opportunity to pray for the person that we resent and then gets into, with that new point of view, what's our part in what happened. Now we're going to get into the fear inventory and the sex and harms inventory and I guess the fourth part so to speak is the relationship ideal and we'll touch upon that when we get over to the harms. The fear inventory begins on page 67. Again, in your packet If you turn to page 11, you'll see a fear-inventory prompt sheet that Mike did a wonderful job with. And because I'm a little bit more anal than he is, I actually alphabetized it. There actually was a reason for that. I didn't just do it to be anal. But there were a couple things on here that were duplicates, and I figured if I alphabetized it, I'll be able to find the duplicates. So that was why I did that as well. And we added a few things to it as well so there's a little thing to help you. Again, the good thing about these prompt sheets is that sometimes it mentions appeal places or things that perhaps we wouldn't have thought of on our own. So last year when I was living down in Philly and I got an opportunity to present the four-step, people just love these prompt sheet it was new and exciting for them and again it just helps us be a little bit more thorough and gives us some ideas that we might not have thought of ourselves and if anybody comes up with another fear that they'd like to add to the list we'll be happy to edit it wasn't an attempt to be absolutely thorough, I'm sure we could have gone through some psychology book and pulled out all the fears but these are just ones that came to mind at the times that we went through it. Again, bottom of page 67 I'd like to ask my higher power to put the words in my mouth and put love in my heart and help me speak the truth. Again, I guess I'd start by throwing out that prayer that I had thrown out during the resentment inventory. It would include these inventories as well um i can give it to you after the meeting but the prayer goes something like this uh god please help me with this show me what i need to know please protect me your will not mind be done it's not in the big book but it's just something that i pass along to people as a way of bringing god into the process of doing the inventory and what i usually suggest that people do is to say that prayer when they begin writing each time and whenever they come to a new page that's blank, say the prayer again and write it at the top. Again, we're on page 67 toward the bottom. I'm just going to go through the whole, I guess, fear part and then I'll talk about the worksheets. Again, you'll see it's a four column. Notice the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties of Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, the employer, and the wife. What's interesting about that is that if you go back to the example that was given on page 65, fear is next to every single aspect of every single resentment. And it's interesting because I've read in spiritual literature that all resentment, all anger and all rage come from one thing and that's from fear. So I don't think it's a coincidence that perhaps Bill might have realized that or read that somewhere also that my experience has been that it's interesting, too, because I've had conversations with people that had a real problem with rage. And in sharing that with them, I could see in talking to them later that something had changed within them because for the first time in their life they saw where it was coming from as opposed to blaming it on things that were happening around them or the people that were around them. that for the first time in their life they saw there's something more going on here than what I was aware of. And that tool of looking for the fear whenever we're angry has helped me with aspects of my life and bringing about freedom, and I always love passing that along because it's helped lots of other people in bringing about freeing for themselves as well. It says this short word somehow touches about every aspect, and I'm going to personalize this, about every aspects of your life. of my life. Fear was an evil and corroding thread. The fabric of my existence was shot through with it. So just like resentment, it doesn't paint a very happy picture about fear. And it's interesting how selfishness and fear played a major part in my life yet I really didn't see it that much until I started doing inventories like this. also i've actually talked with people that said to me i don't have very many fears or i don t think i have any and where i like starting someone off that says something like that is if you think that you don t have any fears then a good way to start this inventory would be ask yourself what do you lie about because perhaps there s a fear behind that and that why you're lying um and it gets to open a door to uh seeing uh perhaps that there's more going on there maybe they're just not aware of it but i know myself there was a lot of fear running around in my head it says fear set in motion trains of circumstances which brought me with fortune i felt i didn't deserve but did not i myself set the ball rolling and that's part of the third column that we're going to get to in a few minutes. Sometimes we thought fear ought to be classed with stealing. Fear seems to cause more trouble. And I know it's interesting that Bill uses fear and stealing in the same sentence there, and I know that fear stole me from my potential and fear stole мне from doing lots of things that I believe today to my higher power would have wanted me to do. It says, I reviewed my fears thoroughly. There's column one. I put them on paper even though I had no resentment in connection with them. Now, you'll notice in the first column of the fear inventory it says, remember to include the fears identified with the resentment inventory. So we've already taken the fears or we should have already taken the fears and transferred them on the resentment inventory and transferred them onto this list. And then from that point on, we're going to also list fears that aren't associated with resentment. So it's not suggesting that we shouldn't put fear down if we also have a resentment in the same area. Like I feared the police and I also had a resentment toward the police. That doesn't mean that I don't put it down here. I do put it done. We put down all of our fears. But, you know, since we've already kind of listed fears, we take those and put them down and now we're gonna start looking at fears that aren'T associated with resentment. It says, I asked myself why I had none. There's column two. Wasn't it because self-reliance failed me? There's part of column three. Self-reluance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it did not fully solve the fear problem or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse. Perhaps there is a better way, and that's alluding to the fourth column there. For I am now on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God. And, of course, in the third step, since we've made a decision to turn our will and life toward God, that we are on a different basis with our higher power. And that's what it's referring to. It's kind of touching upon step three. It's also going to give us some promises here when we fully commit ourselves to step three These are the kind of things that happen. It says, I trust infinite God rather than my finite or limited self. I am in the world to play the role he assigns. Just to the extent that I, one, do as I think he would have me and two, humbly rely upon him, then does he enable us to match calamity with serenity? So there's a little bit of an equation there. We need to do what we think our higher power would have us do and then we need to humbly relay upon our higher power and if we do that then he will enable us to match calamity with Serenity. What's interesting about that is that last sentence there is one of the sentences in the book that I like drawing attention to people that had extremely low bottoms. Because I've been at meetings where people kind of almost brag about how low their bottom was and, you know, woe is me and I'm never going to find freedom, I'm ever going to get out of this. And I love drawing their attention to that sentence because it's saying here that this higher power enables us to match calamity with serenity. So not only would a person with an extremely low bottom be able to experience more freedom than perhaps somebody with a high bottom would be able to experience, the more that they can be free of, that's more freedom that they're going to experience than someone else who perhaps didn't have a low bottom. But also I believe that someone with a low bottom, if they're able to achieve recovery in large areas of their life, that they will be more effective at helping more people because they can reach people that have low bottoms and perhaps somebody with a higher bottom can. So not only are they going to be able to experience through all that calamity perhaps that they view as calamity in their life, not only will they be able to experience more freedom than someone that perhaps didn't have a lot of calamity, but also they'll be able to affect help toward people that people with high bottoms perhaps can't reach. So some people think somebody with an extremely low bottom is a bad thing. In spiritual terms, it's probably a good thing because that's more freedom that they can experience and more people that they could touch with their changed life. So there's some heavy stuff there. It says, I never apologize to anyone for depending upon my creator. I can laugh at those who think spirituality is a way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. I never apologized for God. Instead, I let him demonstrate through me what he can do. Again, this isn't self-help. This is spiritual help. And now here's a prayer. I ask him to remove my fear and direct my attention to what he would have me be at once I commence or begin to outgrow fear notice there it says that we direct our attention to what he would help us be it doesn't say that we ask that he help us with what we do it says that we ask him to direct our attention to what he would have us be because if I'm being motivated by my higher power my thinking and my actions are going to be a whole lot better It's not so much just changing our actions. It's changing our thinking and changing our motivation. So there's a prayer there. Just like you saw in the resentment inventory, there's also a prayer associated with the fear inventory as well. And then it says at once I begin or commence to outgrow fear. It doesn't say that fear will go away. It says that we begin to outgrow it. Fear becomes minimal and right-sized. And in most cases, even if we have a little bit of fear, we'll still be able to do the thing that we fear because the fear isn't controlling us anymore. And again, if fear isn'T controlling us, there's a whole lot of freedom there that's going on. Also, like resentment, fear isn' t necessarily a bad thing. i kind of see fear as a positive thing if it brings about caution and prevents us from being hurt if i'm driving down the street and i shut my lights off on a really dark night where there's no street lights and i start to become fear fearful i don't see that necessarily as a bad thing i should be fearful because I'm in a situation that's harmful. If I'm on a 20-story building and I'm right by the edge and I start getting a little fearful, that's going to bring about caution and prevent me from being hurt. But if fear is preventing me from going out at all or from getting in a car at all, or perhaps if I work on a 30-story building and I am afraid to go near the windows, even though they are sealed, there is no way I can really fall out, then fear is controlling me in a negative way and perhaps that is something that I need to look at and that I need to get free from. So again, you know, like resentment, there was a really good example that I can throw out in regard to resentment. A bunch of years ago, I worked in a department and we kind of had the boss strung around our finger and the workers kind of we talked amongst ourselves and we kindof agreed that we're only going to work at half speed and after a while she's going to assume that the amount of work they were putting out is the most that we can put out and then we don't have to work hard so uh i'm sure nobody here can relate to that but um what happened was uh after a period of time since we weren't doing enough work even though she didn't realize it she had brought somebody else into the group who was like a workaholic and this guy was making us look bad and uh he was doing almost double the amount of work that we were doing so he started making us look bad and you know we have an arrangement here i guess he didn't understand that and uh what happened is we started bad mouthing him and we started telling the boss that he was doing certain things that he wasn't doing and we basically got him kicked out of the group and if i had used that resentment correctly my resentment toward this guy would have shown me that you know what i'm not working as hard as i should be that's being dishonest i'm being selfish if i could use that resentment directly i would have looked at what's my part in this seeing that what i was doing was wrong made changes and then i wouldn't have the resentment anymore that's a positive way of using resentment of course we don't necessarily have a background for using resentments or fears in the correct way. But, you know, again, a resentment isn't necessarily a bad thing. What we do with a resentment is the bad thing If we can have a resentment, look at what our part in it is, get a more realistic view toward it, maybe talk to somebody about getting a different perspective toward it where we don't have this hatred, that resentment was a positive thing. If it can get us to make changes that we should be making in the first place, then that resentment is a good thing. Same thing with fear. If fear is, you know, another good example would be like, you know, I'm on Route 78. It's 65 miles an hour. When I drive 65 miles per hour, I don't have any fear of getting arrested. But as soon as I start going 75 or 80 or 85, I've gone from state's will to bill's will. And now I'm experiencing fear because I have to watch over my shoulder because the police might come. Now, if I use that fear in a correct way, I can look at what's really going on here, see that, you know what, I have fear because I'm breaking the law, slow down. Now that fear was a useful tool. It's not necessarily a bad thing, nor do I believe will it necessarily go away. But in using this kind of a tool, the inventory, I'm going to touch upon in a minute, and seeing what our part in it is, we can be free of so much in regard to fear because, again, it's an evil and corroding threat. It was a big part of me even though I didn't realize it until I did an inventory like this. So that's the fear inventory. If you look at the forms, I wasn't going to do an example. I hope that it's kind of self-explanatory. I'm hoping not to run over like we always do. The first column there is I listed my fears. It says remember to include the fears identified in the resentment inventory. That's usually a really good place to start. We've already identified some fears. We might as well just start with that. We already have it. It's really simple. Just transfer it over to here. The second column, and again, top to bottom, list of fears, top to bottom. When we start running out of fears maybe look at the prompt sheet. If you can't think of anything else maybe say a little prayer. Ask God if there's anything more. Maybe even call somebody. Just try to make the most of it then go on to the second column. It says I asked myself why I had them. And the second column here is usually the rationalization that you tell yourself to support the fear. And in most cases, it's another underlying fear. Like in the case of I used to have a fear of public speaking. That's what I would put in the first column. In the second column, why did I have the fear? I had that fear because I was afraid I would freeze up and I would look stupid. That's just a deeper fear. Even though it started with I have a peer of public speaker, I can boil that down to perhaps another fear underneath it. So that's kind of the rationalization that I tell myself to support the fear. And the third column, but did not I myself set the ball rolling? Had its self-reliance failed me? Right after that it says this includes considering if my own selfishness and self-centeredness was involved. And this column is very similar to the fourth column in a resentment inventory. The reason why it was thrown in here that consider if your own selfish and self‑centeredness were involved, if you remember back at a couple of pages before this, It talked about how selfishness, self-centeredness, that is the root of our troubles. So this column gives us an opportunity to see what's our part in this? Where am I contributing to what's going on here? In the case of the police, I had a fear of the policemen. I was afraid they would lock me up, that I wouldn't be able to work, and that I would look good, which again is another underlying fear. But did not I set the ball rolling? I constantly had something illegal in my pocket. I was constantly ripping people off. I was constantly doing things I knew I shouldn't be doing. That was how I set the ball rolling. That was how self-reliance failed me. The more that I tried to rely on myself, the more I participated in doing whatever I needed to do to get what I wanted. To be honest with you, it wasn't a very happy lifestyle. So that's kind of the mentality behind those first three columns and then the fourth column is just to the extent that we do as we think God will have us. Oh, by the way, just to point out, the third column sort of has two things going on here. One is what's my part in all this? And then you'll notice the second question there, it says how did self-reliance fail me? That perhaps if I was a little bit more God-relying, a lot of these fears wouldn't be happening for me. Perhaps I need to have a bigger concept of higher power because, you know, if I don't have faith that my higher power is, you know, helping me in my life or perhaps in following my inner voice that I have a guide with me at all times that I can turn to to help me with certain things as I go through my day that I'm going to revert back to me just doing whatever I want to do. And again, that caused lots of problems in my Life. So not only is it how did I set the ball rolling and how did contribute to this fear, but it's also how is me relying upon me and not relying upon a higher power, causing a lot of problems in my life. And then the fourth column, just to the extent that we do as we think God would have us and humbly rely upon him, does he enable us to match calamity with serenity? We direct our attention to what he would have unspeak, what perhaps is a better way. For me, that fourth column just like the resentment inventory is the key to this inventory in that okay, I've identified some fears I'veidentified my part in it I can pray and ask my higher power to help me with this stuff But what perhaps is a better way in dealing with this? What are some of the things that I can do to start moving away from having this fear? And like in the example of the public speaking or in the exemple of the police, I mean, obviously stop stealing. Stop doing illegal things. Be a little bit more God-reliant. Have a little more faith that even if something isn't really wonderful happening right now, that down the line as long as I keep doing the right thing that I'll perhaps be rewarded for that. And if I'm not, that's fine too. And in the case of the public speaking thing, what I did in the third column was there were times that a boss of mine asked me to give a presentation in front of a group of people. And one time I even called in sick that day so I didn't have to do the presentation. And my boss was pissed because she wasn't prepared for the talk and I was. And I just couldn't do it. I was frozen in fear. And one interesting thing is that today I love giving presentations and I love public speaking. but what perhaps is a better way is perhaps if I have fear in regard to public speaking I can take a class that teaches you how to public speak more effectively which I eventually did I went to a Dale Carnegie Dale Carnegie public speaking and effective human relations class and I learned although at the time I was still drinking I learned how to give presentations and have a little more self confidence so that's besides asking my higher prior to help me with this, I can also do certain things. Perhaps speak more at meetings. That's a really good way of getting experience with public speaking. What a wonderful place to have that opportunity because we know that the audience or whoever is there at a meeting is kind of receptive to listening to us which isn't always the case in a business situation but there's things that we can be doing besides asking our higher prior to help us with this and for me that's sort of the exit. Okay, I have the fear, I can ask my higher power to help me with it but what's sort of the exit what are some of the things that I can do to start moving away from this fear being so consuming and so negative in my life does anybody have any questions with the fear inventory or perhaps doesn't understand something yeah go ahead I did the fear inventory, just want to make sure after I did my fourth step I went ahead and wrote down every single fear then after I wrote down I wrote the fear down and what it actually affected how I was feeling that fear so is that pretty much what we're talking about? That sounds like two parts of it well it's four actually but you know again you use a technique that was different than what we were using so maybe some of the other two parts or some ofthe other aspects of it you have in there, some ofthestuffthatyouwrote maybe get with somebody who's familiar or maybe even how you did it is perfectly fine I'm not saying that this is right and that's wrong or this is better I'm just presenting how actually these sheets I had put together and this is kind of how I see it and with what the book is saying and using it with people, especially with that fourth column I've heard people that have experienced a lot of freedom that have used other inventories that that last part kind of wasn't there and where the fourth column came out of was meditation and in studying the fear inventory I had used other fear inventory sheets that were very similar to the resentment inventory and the problem that I had with it was it had things in the columns that weren't in the big book that were kind of brought over from the resentment inventory and I'm not saying it's good or bad that was the way I used it when I first went through the work so it did change my life I'm Not Saying If It's Good Or Bad but I always had a problem with the fact that the columns said things that weren't part of the figuratory in the book word for word and you know I've also added things here too but most of it is exactly what the big book says but in you know then using it as a tool to work with people I've heard some pretty incredible tools or heard some pretty incredible feedback with people that have used the other way of doing it and then when they did this, that last column just brought them a little bit more deeper relief from what they experienced before when they used other sheets so I've been using this for a while but you know something I'll talk to you after the meeting because there's a couple things you can do if you want to do it maybe that's what you can get cool like I said does anybody have any questions or any problems with the free inventory or maybe something that's out of the state All right, let's go on to sex and harms inventory. Please notice it says sex and arms. Someone recently came to a fifth step with me, and all they put down was sex harms. They didn't put down all their harms. So that's why in the first column it says directly or indirectly because sometimes that's something that we don't think about. But a scenario that comes to mind when I say directly and indirectly would be like in the case of, let's say I sleep with a married woman and the husband finds out and they have kids. I believe that not only have I harmed the husband, but I believe that I've also harmed the kids whether I harm them directly or not because now that's caused turmoil in that family, and indirectly I have harmed those kids. So that's kind of the only example or the first example that comes to mind, and that's why it says directly or indirectly, and that is sort of the difference between directly and indirectly. Some people just think it is just people directly, and sometimes there are subtle ways that we can harm people. Something I always like passing along is that when doing the harms inventory, please read step 8 in the 12 and 12, because Step 8 in the 12 and 12 talks about some of the subtler ways that we harm people that we don't always think about. So in doing the harms inventory, as you start going through it, fill out the first column. Just like all the inventories, do a column top to bottom before going on to the next column. Perhaps when you start running out of names with who you hurt, read the 8th step in the 12 and 11. And it describes some really interesting ways. the 12 and 12 is the 12 steps and 12 traditions is another one of our books and the first half of the book is chapters on each one of the steps and the second half of the book is chapters on each one of the traditions so it's the chapter on step 8 in the 12 and 12 sorry about that and then it says and notice it basically talks about a sex inventory but you'll notice at the end of this chapter it talks about that you now have a list of all people that you harmed. And there's certainly other ways that we can harm people besides around a sex act. So that's why this says Sex and Harms. It even says it later on when we start doing an eight-step list that talks about that we have a List of All People We Harmed. We made it when we took inventory back in the four steps. Even though it basically talks about a sex harm kind of inventory here, it's talking about sex and just general harms inventory. It says now about sex. Many of us needed an overhauling there. Notice that overhauled is not a tune-up. No subtlety there. But above all, we tried to be sensible on this question. It's so easy to get way off track. Here we find human opinions running to extremes, absurd extremes perhaps. One set of voices cry that sex is the lust of our lower nature, a base necessity of procreation or reproduction. Then we have the voices who cry for sex and more sex, who bewail, which means to express sorrow, for the institution of marriage, who thinks that most of the troubles of the race are traceable to sex causes, and that sounds very Freudian. They think we do not have enough of it or that it isn't the right kind. I always like saying, what? The right kind, a distinct statement. They see its significance everywhere. One school would allow man no flavor for his fare, and the other would have us on a straight pepper diet. We want to stay out of this controversy. We do not want to be the arbiter or the judge of anyone's sex conduct. We all have sex problems. We'd hardly be human if we didn't. What can we do about that? Now notice it's saying that we don't want to become the arbitor of anyone sex conduct, so that statement, stay out-of-a-relationship for a year, is perhaps good advice, but it's not necessarily out of this book. Something that I like suggesting to people is when we start getting into the work, if you're not in a relationship currently, I'd like to suggest that until you start making amends for harms done in the past, you're going to continue harming people in the present. Also in the 12 and 12, it talks about that for someone who hasn't gotten into the program of recovery, mental, spiritual, and physical, that there's usually two ways that we go in a relationship, either over-dependence or over-control. Either we depend too much on a mate or we try to control them too much. And that's also been my experience. It also talks about that when boy meets girl on AA campus, that when two people meet that aren't perhaps spiritually growing emotionally and mentally becoming more mature, that there is a situation for problems there. So just to, I guess, throw out sort of my look at this, I haven't said for years that you shouldn't get into a relationship in the first year because my technique of working with people is you get into the steps right away. So people have pretty much gone through all 12 steps in a three- or four- or five-month period of time. And in starting to make amends, I believe that there's a healing and that there is more that a person can bring to a relationship having experienced all that than someone who perhaps hasn't gotten to that point or hasn't even started heading in that direction. It also says down below that at the last line there, it says, God alone can judge our sex situation. It talks about, you know, our higher power judges our relationship situation that other people really can't because it's sort of like I'm not in their shoes, I don't know what the background is, I don' t know what' s acceptable in that relationship and who am I to judge what' re right or what' r wrong for somebody else. And now in the next paragraph it pretty much describes all four columns. It says reviewed our conduct over the years past. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, or considerate? That's column three. Whom had we hurt? That's colon one. Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? That's colun two. Where were we at fault? That's part of column three What should we have done instead? That's calum four. We got this all down on paper and looked at it. just a note on unjustifiably arousing jealousy, suspicion or bitterness what would an unjustifiable jealousy be? I know I've experienced this and I've heard other people experience it and I totally stole this explanation about the unjustifiable thing from a friend of ours Chris but let's say I am dating someone and they're by nature or because of their past just a jealous type of a person I personally have and I know this is very rare but I personally have never cheated on any woman that I've ever gone out with and again I know that that's rare but that's my truth and perhaps I start seeing someone and every time they see me talk to a woman they start getting jealous and I have not created that jealousy in her she has created that jealousy in her mind now i need to be sensitive to it where i don't stick it in her face or i don t uh you know write it off or whatever but that jealousy is unjustified i did not create that jealousy perhaps if i had slept with someone in the past and she sees me talking to somebody i have aroused that jealousy or i have created that jealousy but um if if um i have not done anything in the passed that talking to a woman would be harmful thing or would bring about jealousy and that woman has jealousy that's that's a justified sort of a justified jealousy I have no control over that even though I need to be sensitive to it so that's the only explanation I've ever heard that makes sense in regard to that if you just said that jealousy if the person had suffered some in the past and they've talked to them that's justified jealousy? No. It's just talking about... I believe that what it's just talking about is, like let's say in the case of I've been married for 20 years and 10 years ago I slept with this woman and now my wife whenever she sees me getting into a relationship with another woman even if it's просто friendship or even a work relationship that I need to realize that if my wife currently starts having jealousy because I'm making friends with this woman, then I've created that situation. That is very much a justifiable jealousy. I'm just throwing out an example of something. What is an unjustifiable jealousy that I could create in someone else? And in the case of that's just in the person's head, that's kind of, you know, I have no control over what they think. I didn't create that situation and there's no reason for them to have that, but they do have it. So I didn'T create that. So that's not necessarily my issue, so to speak. I mean, it would be your issue if you thought your spouse was cheating on you and she wasn't. Say that again? I said it would been your issue. If I thought my spouse was cheated on me and she was, it would have been my own unjustified fear or unjustified jealousy. Right. Especially if there was no reason for me to have that. You know, if there's no prior situation that perhaps, you know, would have brought that up exactly. And it says, in this way we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life. So that's, if you turn to 16, that's where the future sex slash relationship ideal comes to play. This is a tool, let me continue reading and then you'll see. We'll get back to the Sex and Himes inventory, but this is where it talks about the sex ideal. It says, In this way, we tried to shape as sane and found ideal for a future sex like we subjected each relation to this test was itself or should not. we ask God to one to mold our ideals and two help us to live up to them so there's a prayer we remembered always that our sex powers are God given and therefore good neither to be used lightly or selfishly nor to be despised or loathed whatever our ideal turns out to be we must be willing to grow toward it we must be willing to make amends where we have done harm provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing in other words we treat sex as we would any other problem. So he's going to tell us here what we're supposed to do about all of our problems. Not only a sex problem, but any other problems. It says in meditation we ask God, so here's a prayer, what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it. So it's telling us what we are supposed to be doing about our problems Now we can talk about it with other people too but bringing it into meditation is also something we should be doing in situations that we don't know what to do So that's sort of touching upon the ideal and that sheet on page 16 I guess you guys can't do it but I was going to say the front and the back of the page can be used but since I did two-sided copying, I guess I can't use it I guess he can't but that's just a piece of paper that we can write down a future sex ideal and on that sheet you'll notice the last paragraph there it says since it suggests that we come up with a future sex or relationship ideal please use this form to develop one the paragraphs that are above that are just the paragraphs in the book that sort of allude to an ideal or allude to our sex life. And then it says it says that please use this form to develop one. For you, what would be the ultimate? What is usually included here are one, ideal attributes and behaviors in ourselves that we would like to bring to a relationship so perhaps start with focusing on yourself and what do you want to be in a relationship and it says two, ideal attributes and behaviors that we would look for in someone else that we might consider having a relationship with and that's assuming that you're not in a relationship currently. But then it says if you are currently in a relationship, number two would then become that you write down positive attributes and behaviors that your partner already has that you can appreciate more, that you could appreciate and notice more. And then the third part is attributes and behaviours that would describe what an ideal relationship would generally look like. So what would be included in this ideal would be how do I want to be in a relationship? What kind of attributes So I'm going to look for a person that I would want to get into a relationship with. And in general, what kind of attributes would the relationship have? So that's sort of the ideal there. Let me finish this and then we'll look at the Sex and Harm Examinatory. Also, you'll notice, you don't have to turn there, but on page 67, this is what it says. it says we admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight that was during the resentment inventory now it's going to say we must be willing to make amends where we have done harm provided that we do not bring about still more harm in so doing and then on page 70 it says at the bottom it says we have a list of people we have hurt by our conduct and are willing to straighten out the past if we can. So three times in the fourth step it starts alluding to the eighth step and that we need to start becoming willing to make amends to these people. So that willingness begins here in the first step. And perhaps it could have even started back when we started praying for these people after the third column of the resentment inventory that we needed to start getting a better attitude toward these people and this is where the beginning of being willing to make Amends to These People because it mentions it three times during the fourth stop. So I just wanted to throw that out because, you know, I was kind of surprised that it kind of starts over here. And the book continues. God alone can judge our sex situation. This is the bottom of 69. God alone could judge our sexual situation. Counsel with persons is often desirable, but we let God be the final judge. Again, we need to let our higher power do this in our inner voice. We realize that some people are as fanatical about sex as others are loose. we avoid hysterical thinking and advice. Now notice what it says here. There's only a few times in this book that it says that if we do something or if we don't do something we're going to drink and here is one of them. Suppose we fall short of the chosen ideal and stumble and that's the ideal our future sex conduct. Does this mean we are going to get drunk? Some people tell us so but this is only a half truth. It depends on us and on our motives so that's important and that's in going forward perhaps we're going to fall short but do we want to let our higher power take us to better things or do we wanna start practicing and moving in a direction where we no longer behave that way it says one if we are sorry for what we have done and two have the honest desire to let God take us to better thing then we believe we will be forgiven and we will have learned our lesson so we may fall short but after we fall short can we learn and grow from that so that we become a person that doesn't do that anymore it says if we are not sorry, if we were one, not sorry and two, our conduct continues to harm others, we are quite sure to drink we are NOT theorizing, these are facts out of our experience so he's saying here, if this kind of conduct continues we are QUITE sure to DRINK and again, he only mentions it as far as I've found, he mentions four times in his book, that if we do something or don't do something, we're going to drink and another spot is when it starts making amends it says that if we're afraid to do this then we're going to go back to drinking now it says the sum of about sex and there's five points here one, we earnestly pray for the right ideal two we earnously pray for guidance in each questionable situation three, we earnestly pray for sanity and four, that we earniously pray for the strength to do the right thing so that's a prayer then it says if sex is very troublesome we throw ourselves the harder into helping others we think of their needs and work for them this takes us out of ourselves it quiets the imperious urge, the urgent urge when to yield a mean heartache so that's kind of the information on the sex and harms inventory but let me go back to the forum I hope I'm not bouncing around too much tonight for you guys bounce away the sex and harms like I said it's all pretty much found in that one paragraph on page 69. It says, Whom did I hurt? And then it says, Directly or indirectly, perhaps begin with the people you've had sex with and then branch out to all relations even those not involving sex. So again, it's sex and harms. Second column, it says Did I unjustifiably arouse in the other person jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? And again, it's just a checkoff list. The third column, I reviewed my own conduct over past years. Where was I at fault? Where had I been selfish, dishonest, or inconsiderate? Again, it's very similar to the fourth column in the resentment inventory and the third column in a fears inventory. And there's also a comment there that says, remember to go back. As you're reviewing this third column, if you see some fears in there that perhaps you didn't see in the fear inventory or in the resentment inventory, to go Back to the Fear Inventory and include those fears i've done instead so um in most cases it was the exact opposite of what we did so that's usually a no-brainer um so that'S THE THE FOUR COLUMNS OF A SEX AND HARMS INVENTORY AGAIN IT'S PRETTY STRAIGHTFORWARD UH ONE OF THE TROUBLES I'VE HEARD PEOPLE HAVE IS IN the second column they check off yeah um my wife made me jealous we're talking about do we arise in them jealousy suspicious of bitterness if we were jealous or suspicious or bitter toward them that we're not talking about here this is our inventory uh did we bring that about in there because that's a harm um does anybody have any questions on the sex and harms inventory that's probably the one that's the most straightforward and pretty self-explanatory um and again you know So the third and fourth column is sort of our freedom where we can see where our conduct has screwed so many people, especially people we cared for and that cared for us. And if we continue harming people in the same ways that we did, perhaps I did a four-step like this a year before and now I'm still harming People in the Same Way, I can go back to this list and look in that last column what should I have done instead and ask myself am I doing that Because obviously I'm not, and I'm continuing to harm people. And we just read what happens if we continue doing that. Same thing with the fear inventory. If a year from now, perhaps I do a fear inventory today, a year From Now, I'm still experiencing some of those fears that are there. Go back to the fear Inventory, look at the last column, what perhaps is a better way? I'm obviously not doing those things because I'm up moving away from and keeping those fears minimum because now they're back and now they are controlling me again. So again, an incredibly useful tool to bring about a whole lot of freedom and a whole lot of peace of mind in our life when used fully. Not only for today, but also in the future with these three inventories. What's really cool is that after doing it so many times and writing out a whole load of things, it kind of gets ingrained inside of you how these columns work and what the columns are. And the cool thing is not only is this an inventory that can help us deal with our past in reviewing how do we bring about a lot of problems in our lives, But also, again, a year from now, if I have a resentment, I can just say, okay, wait a minute. I have resentment toward my boss. She didn't treat me the way I wanted to. How has it affected me? Using the third column. What's my part in this? Where am I selfish and dishonest and self-seeking? And I can use it as a tool moment by moment going through life. And if I start having a resentment or if I started having a fear or if start sensing guilt or remorse over some harm that I've done, I can stop. I'll almost, in a lot of cases, if i use this as a way of life, be able to just stop myself say okay what's my part in this what am I doing to contribute to it where am I being less than God reliant you know what should I be doing instead and we can just stop clear up whatever is going on that's disturbed our peace of mind and get back to our serenity so not only is it just a deal with the past but it's also a way moment by moment to deal with these things when they come up in the present and going forward so again an incredible tool if we can internalize it use it as a way to deal avec the past but also use it as a way to deal with present stuff as it goes along. Incredible amount of freedom and an amount of peace that we can... I have a question. Yeah, go ahead. What if we don't know? Okay, what if we do know that we brought bitterness and suspicion but we really don't Know if the person is jealous or not? Well, then we wouldn't put it down. It's not a wash where we have to put all three or none. You know, we could put one or two or... I really don' t know. I definitely know about bitterness and suspicion. Usually, in a lot of cases, they would have expressed it. If they haven't, we don't know. And I think it's just kind of a tool to kind of draw out as much as we can in regard to this because in hearing a lot of fifth steps and in trying to do this and pass it along in as thorough a way as possible, when we do a fifth step and we look at all the things that are talked about in this inventory, where it's amazing how much we suddenly appreciate for the ways that my life run on my will screwed me. In doing a fifth step in its entirety, in one sitting, sometimes taking six to eight to 12 hours to do it, and maybe taking a 15-minute break to eat or something, I'm not going to be rigid about that you can't move while you're doing a sixth step, But you start to get the full picture and the full effect of how my ego constantly damaged myself and others. And what these columns do and what this inventory does is draw attention to that in an extreme way, I think. Because then and only then will we begin in 6th and 7th to ask God to help us with these things because we don't want to live this way anymore. And that's probably the most wonderful experience that I've ever had is realizing, you know, I've seen the horror of where my ego has taken me and where my selfish, self-centered, fearful, dishonest, and inconsiderate way of life damaged me and everything that I cared for. That then and only then am I willing to consider another way and to move in a different direction and ask God to help me with that because I know that of myself I can't do it and I need God's help. And then clearing up the wreckage of the past where other people perhaps can experience freedom and then we can be free of the things that happened in our past. And for me, that's sort of the beauty of those middle steps. There's so much freedom and there's so many things and there is so much of an awakening that occurs. A lot of it while we're writing, but usually especially while we do our fifth step. Because when we wrote, it usually takes a couple of weeks to write it all out. But then when we sit there for five or six or seven or ten hours, feel this stuff out and it's just like, oh, my God, I don't want to live this way anymore. I've seen where my ego and where my selfishness has taken me. I don'T want to LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE. And it just turns you around to consider a different direction and to try to ask your higher power to help you with that. So, again, I guess with those three columns, it's just whether it did or not, but I think that these inventories especially really do get to the point where we see how my selfishiness caused so much damage And, you know, it talks about some of the people around AA talked about how incredibly wonderful the 12 steps are in ego deflation, that it deflates our ego. It lowers our pride. It, you Know, lowers our negative pride or false pride. It shines a light on, you Now, a large part. I don't want to suggest that this gets everything because I don' know that any tool I've ever seen gets absolutely everything. But, you know, 95% of the damage that we've caused and why and how can we perhaps move away from there just comes out of this, and it's a really incredible tool. Did I answer your question? I don't remember what the question was. Does anybody else have a – well, let's finish, and then we'll open it up for discussion. It says now it does a little bit of a review, which is kind of cool. If we have been thorough about our personal inventory, we have written down a lot. We have listened and analyzed our resentments. We have begun to comprehend their futility and fatality, and that's sort of a prediction of what should happen after we've done our resentment inventory, so that's kind of a question you can ask yourself. In writing the resentment inventory have I begun to understand our resentment's futility and fatally? We have commenced to see their terrible destructiveness. And notice these promises. We have began to learn tolerance, patience, and goodwill toward all men, even our enemies, who we look on them as sick people. And I mentioned earlier that they're spiritually blocked off, just like we are when we harm people. We have listed the people we have hurt by our conduct, again, not just our sex conduct, but our conduct. And are willing to set these matters straight if we can. In this book you read again and again that faith did for us what we could not do for ourselves. Again, this is not self-help. We hope you are convinced now that God can remove whatever self-will has blocked you off from Him. if you have already made a decision step three and inventory of your gross or handicapped step four you have made a good beginning and i hate that we just we just did a whole lot of work and they're saying nope you made a great beginning that being so you have swallowed and digested some big chunks of truth about yourself and the original manuscript the next line said are you willing to go on so that's sort of a review of what we just and kind of tries to draw out why you're having these experiences and here's some promises. And, of course, we have a different attitude toward our enemies because, again, after the third column, we started praying and trying to have some forgiveness and a different softening of our heart toward these people. So, of coarse, if we do that, we will have a difference in our attitude toward our enemies, perhaps not even see them as enemies. I'd like to share two things that I heard people say, and then we'll open up for discussion. I can't remember who said either one. This is before I started giving people credit and before I started really kind of getting into this, and I just wrote this in my book. It says the fourth step isn't about finding out who we are. It's about finding OUT who we are not so we can get rid of it, and who we ARE will then shine through. That's why self-knowledge avails us nothing. We need to find OUT what GOD wants us to be. that, you know, some people use this tool as a way of beating themselves up and say, look, I'm such an evil person. I'm terrible. I should just commit suicide. This is not a tool to find out who we are. This is a tool for us to see we are not these kind of people and we don't want to live that way anymore. So this isn't a tool of finding out who you are. This is also a tool in finding out what we are or not so we can perhaps change and move in the direction toward what our higher power wants us to be. And then I love this one. Again, I can't remember where this is from. the person said instead of and this is an attitude to bring into a fourth step it says instead of going into the fourth step as you know let me paraphrase it because I think I say it better than he did because I've been using it now for a while as bold as that might sound the person was using an example of sort of you have a child and you want them to go clean their room so you say to him listen son Go clean your room. And that son is not motivated to go and do that. That son is going to go there, and he's going to have to do what he doesn't want to do. But if we can approach the fourth step, or if we an approach the son and say this, Listen, son, what I want you to do is I want you to go to your room, and I want to make a pile in your room of all the stuff that you don't want anymore, all the things that you hate, all the other stuff that doesn't work, all the different things that cause damage in your life and in other people's lives, to put it in terms of an inventory. And what I want you to do is put it into a pile in the middle of a room and what we're going to do is we're gonna get rid of it and we're gong to replace it with stuff you do want. Now that person is gonna run to their room and they're gonna clean that room in a way that has motivation and that has excitement because they're going to get a bunch of new stuff. And for me, that's what the inventory is all about. The inventory isn't, let's look at these deep dark secrets. This inventory is a tool to bring about some peace and to bring about moving away from the stuff that we don't want that cause a lot of damage and a lot of harm and a little bit a lot of fear and we can replace it in step six and seven with stuff that God wants us to have in our life like peace of mind like love like honesty like being selfless in helping other people stuff like that so in looking at the first step in that way and instead of looking at it as you know I'm just going to go clean my room and just move around the same old stuff and still have the same old stuff that I used to have if I can look at it with a little bit more motivation and a work and that cause problems, get rid of it and God's going to replace it with the stuff that I really do want that's going bring about peace and happiness that you know a person will be a little more motivated to do that than to just move their stuff around and keep all the same stuff that they always used to have and I guess that's about it I know in hearing people talk about doing the steps not only do I think these worksheets do bring about an incredible amount of freedom but one of the things that I think is greatly overlooked by almost all people that I've seen four step sheets on is that four step ideal in creating an ideal it just makes it real and it just make us look into our heart you know, in many cases we just kind of went we weren't looking for Mrs. Right we were looking for Ms. Right now you know what I mean in living our life we very often don't know what we want in a relationship. I'll be honest with you, the first five serious relationships I got into, the reason why I liked them was because they liked me. I had no idea of what do I like in another person. They liked me, they started talking to me, therefore I like you. You know what I mean? I hadno tool to deal with what doI want in another person. Things like monogamy, things like conversation, things like humor, things like all the wonderful things that we want in a relationship. But I never sat down until I used a tool like that to put down what do I want in our relationship? And then in some cases, I'll put these are like that they're a blonde. That's negotiable. If they're not a blonde, that would be fine, but I prefer blondes. Okay, that one's negotiables. But that they are able to be monogamous, that is not negotiable if they are not able to be monognomous, I don't want to go out with them. So in doing this and seeing, you know, what do I want in a relationship? What kind of attributes do I want to bring to a relationship what kind of attitudes do I wanna see in the other person as someone that I wanna be attracted to, that we get it down on paper and it's just more tangible and it'S a little bit more real and in some cases we're asking ourselves questions we've never asked ourselves. Also I guess, I heard Marianne Williamson say this one time, she's a spiritual woman that I really love listening to. She said something that's very useful in people that she works with is when you write down attributes that you want to have in the other person, like honesty, being able to communicate, being generous, that when we put down the things that we want to see in someone else, what we need to do is we need to start growing in those areas too. Because if we can become the kind of person that is the kind of person we'd want to be attracted to, then that's when we're going to attract that kind of a person because not only good but bad uh not only bad but good traits we attract that's when we attract each other i know that opposites attract and in other aspects of relationships sometimes it seems like an opposite thing but you know if i want an honest person in my life i need to be honest and if i won a generous person in my life a way that i can go toward getting that kindof person in life is by being generous myself so i just wanted to throw that out that's not necessarily in the big book but that's been a tool that's helped me and that's help people that I've talked to about that have relationship problems or that just really don't know, how do you do something like this? How do you grow toward being in a position where you'll attract a better type of person into your life? And for me, that's how you do it. And that's the hour. So we're going to open it up for discussion. Thanks for letting me share. Thank you.