Step 3 Begins When You Stop Thinking and Start Doing – Ken D.

hi my name is Ken and I'm an alcoholic I wouldn't go bail for one of you good to be here in seaside and it's always nice to stand behind one of these and not have to enter a plea. I want to thank Harlan and the group for inviting me up, and Jim and Don for their taxi cab work, and Mike for picking us up at the airport. A lot of folks involved in making this thing work, I'll tell you that. And they do work. They do work! I also want to thanks all the other speakers. I enjoyed each and every one of them, starting with Jay yesterday, and then Casey in the afternoon, and Juanita, and my friend Sharon in the evening. And today, Steve this morning, and Rick this afternoon. You know, it's interesting as I listen, tomorrow you're going to hear Mildred. I mean, I'll tell you, if you're, there's a number of you who raised your hand at being at your first convention, excluding myself, you couldn't have heard better speakers. I'll tell you that you know you got you got a you got a sampling of some really really good speakers and the thing about it is is that each one of them shared in their own way how they moved away from God and then had to move back you know and the thing was is that they told their story and I don't spend a lot of time on my story because I don'T remember it you know I DON'T remember a good bit of my drinking. I was a very active alcoholic. I just didn't keep good notes, you know. And those things I remember most vividly never happened. So it doesn't give you a whole lot to work with, you know, I'll tell you that. I'm a real alcoholic and if you don't know what that is, is I drank stuff that not only hit the spot, it removed it. You know, like that's just the way it was. And I know that Harlan's a real alcoholic. I'll tell you, I've got to tell your Harlan story because he does a good job, God love him, but he's a really good guy. He's a great alcoholic. I had asked him when he invited me to this thing whenever it was a year and a half, couple of years ago. I said, Harlan, do me a favor so I don't get mixed up. would you please send me a confirmation letter and he said sure no problem I won't get it out you know not today Ken you know but I'll get it out to you shortly well I never got it but he called about four or five times to tell me he was sending it you know like and then on Monday night Tuesday night I get a call and it's from Jim. And Jim says, Ken, the message on my voicemail was, Ken we know what time you're coming in, we just don't know what airline. Would you please call us back with that information? So see now I'm sober so what I do is I call him back. And I get Jim on the phone and he says hi. And I said hi. I said Jim this is Ken. I never do this, but this is important. He said, This is Jim. And I said, Jim, I'm coming in on Alaskan Airlines. He said good. 1230 Alaskans Airlines. I said right. So I hang up the phone and I go to the head and the phone rings. And I can't get to it because I'm in the head. And so when I come out, I pick it up. It's Jim saying, Ken, you're not going to believe this, but when you were talking to me, Harlan was talking to me. And, and Ken, I don't know what airline you said. You know? And, you know, I'm used to people like this you know i i grew up in a neighborhood we all went to a parochial school in the beginning till we got kicked out and uh and i was one of those people i got through school totally unscarred by education you know so i can identify with these guys you know it's you know i hung out with guys you say there's a dead bird they look up you know like I had a buddy in school with me the teacher said how do you spell Mississippi and he said you mean the river or the state I mean we were heavy I went to a parochial school i have nothing against the parochial system so please don't read anything into it this is just a reporting of what the way i remember it i went in the 40s when you had to wear knickers and the only thing i remember about it is i was the youngest of seven kids my dad died when i was young and my brothers had worn those knickers before so in order to make this blue socks stay up my mom went to the store and she bought these real thick rubber bands and i would put them on my stock stockings to keep them up and uh by the end of the day when they rang the 315 bell to go home i had to start stomping my leg to get circulation you know like so what i remember about parochial school most of it is lack of blood flow you know like that's really what i remembered and and you know i can't talk a whole lot about sex because I was taught by the nuns, you know. I saw two dogs getting it on one time and I said to the nun, what are they doing? And she said, they're dancing. And I said, sister, they are not even facing one another. And that has really scarred me. I've carried that. I carry that into my adult life. Now I can be sitting anywhere, and when I see them forming the bunny heart, man, I'm out of my seat. I'm over there like... Thank you, sister. Thank you. I was watching the production number they put here, and I was listening to the music. And you know, if they change one word in some of these songs, they'd be really different. I mean, I was thinking of my English teacher in school, like James Brown singing the wrong word. It should be, I feel well. And I thought, boy, that would really change that song. So I'm glad James got through. totally unscarred by education too you know and that hangs on today i mean i hang out with those same guys today i was having coffee the other day with a guy and he said ken i read an article we're only using 10 of our brain and i said yeah that's probably true he said what the hell are we doing with the other 60 percent you know like so what you guys are doing now is why I really love to come to these things I love to hear people laugh because I know a lot about laughter that most people don't know and that is while you are laughing you cannot laugh and think at the same time so every time you're laughing you're getting a respite from your favorite top subject which is you know the song in aa is i am always on my mind i'm always you know and then they have now a sponsor song have you heard that the new sponsor song chain chain chain chain of fools you know but i i'm really glad because when you guys are laughing you're not thinking and god knows you need that break you know every problem i've ever heard start with those three words i've been thinking you know you know and you just can't wait to hear what comes next you know because you know it's a maximum effort. You notice an alcoholic never just has an idea, it's always I've got a great idea or I've got a terrific idea. If it's terrific, stand back, you know, the shit's going to hit the fan, you know, like, you know, and it's going to go all over the place because you never want to hear somebody you're working with say, I'm been thinking, you know. And that's why I love this, your love, love your deal here. We absolutely insist on enjoying life. We're not a glum lot. you know there's a lot of newcomers here and the book says this is the owner's manual if you don't know what it looks like keep it in your glove compartment and when you got a problem you just open it up people don't understand that but it answers all the questions that come up actually this was before the sponsor so make sure that you look in here if your sponsor is telling you stuff that isn't in here thank them and move on you know like you don't want to get in that chain chain chain you know and the deal is is that you know it says we're not a glomata if newcomers couldn't see joy and laughter they wouldn't want this thing have you ever been at a meeting where someone my name is Joe you know I'm 17 years sober and if you want what I have you say thanks Joe I'd rather take the injections you know Joe looks like he missed his calling he should have been a hemorrhoid you know oh my god you know he's just wound up so tight you know you say oh poor poor Joe and the thing is is that we you know it says god wants us to be happy joyous and free in your little deal tonight it says we have recovered and we've been given the power to help others why shouldn't we be laughing i mean you know if you want to have a good laugh just sit with about five or six alcoholics in a real serious discussion you know it's an amazing thing to behold because you say i can't believe there could be so little information given with so much verbosity you know like a you know anything that resembles a fact was smuggled in you know you know it's like that's just the way the people are they don't know anything and you know i i was glad when i got to alcoholics anonymous because i hooked up with guys that were just like me. They read this book, and they went to meetings, and they did all the basic things that I see people do today when they want to get sober. And you know, when I got here, I was like spring-loaded, you know? My mom used to say, drunk or sober, you are no day at the beach. You know, I just saw things differently. I was married to a woman like they were talking about today, counting drinks. My wife used to do that. She was very normal. She used to say, that's your second drink. And I used to say, honey, why don't you just forget about me and go ahead and finish your breakfast? You know, like this. Don't you know. And God love her. She was so normal that she, you know, like she'd just look at me and say, you You know, like, you know, the hamster's dead, but the wheel is still turning. You know? That's the way I was. You know. That's just the way it was. One night she woke me up. I mean, she said, get up. I said, why? She said, there's somebody outside. I said honey, that's where they belong, outside. You know that's why we have an outside. Now you see them prancing around in the living room. Give me a wake-up call. you know like so we just didn't communicate real good you know it just was that kind of a deal and and there was nothing wrong with her it was entirely wrong with me that's just the way it was when in the 60s one time i came home on the subway and and i got off and i went in the house and i'm down in some shooters and she said what's the matter i said the stock market has just had its worst day in the history of the stock market. And she had a way of looking at you like I know he's there but I know he's not there, you know? And she said, honey we don't own any stock. You know? And that's the kind of mind that I had to deal with you know, it was and i could you could see why i drank could you imagine somebody being in reality all the time it was tough enough for me just to do drive-bys you know like you know but to be there all the town on not me not me and so i got to alcoholics anonymous and i got a sponsor and my sponsor took me through the steps just like they are in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous we didn't use anything additional we just used the bigbook of Alcoholic Anonymous and the nice part about it was people were staying sober you know, people were staying sober and I had a, I was a little wound up when I first got here you know and I remember my sponsor called me after about 45 days and he said, we gotta go on a 12 step call And I said, okay, okay. A 12-step call. Good. I didn't know what it was, but I was going. And I was gone because he was going, you know. When he went, I went. You know, I said hey, my sponsor's going. I'm going. So we get in the car and we drive up to this brownstone. And he said, I can't find a parking spot. He said, just jump out and get the guy. He said. Can you do that, Ken? I said. Just jump out again. He said yeah. Now this guy in 45 days had never asked me to do anything except pick up ashtrays, set up the room and make coffee. So I never had an outside assignment, you know? So I figured this is a real test. So I went in there to get the guy and as he tells the story, he drove around the block and came back and when he pulled up, I had the guy on the ground and I'm beating him with a garbage can lid. You know? Somewhere between the guy making this call and us showing up, he thought he could change his mind. You know?" So, now, now wait a second. I wasn't abusive. You know, it was like three shots max. I was just trying to get his attention because I figured he was confused, you know? And my sponsor whistled me back in the car like I was a canine. and i went and i got in the car and we drove off and we drove a couple of blocks and he had a way of looking at you out of the corner of his eye and i and he said ken i want you to do me two favors i said what's that he said first of all don't ever consider that a 12-step call and i said okay and he said the second thing is don't tell anybody i'm your sponsor for a while, you know. And so that's how I got started in Alcoholics Anonymous, you know. I thought you had to do a little recruiting, you know. That's, I know it's a program of attraction but sometimes, you know, they have warm-ups and trailers to get you interested. And I thought this was a good warm-up. And that guy was so surprised because he obviously had called AA before. And he'd been able to do this before because he said, I don't have to go. Are you shitting me or what? You know, like, you don't have to go. My sponsor's coming around the block in about five minutes. You're going, pal. So I grabbed him right through the screen door, you know. It was good. It was his first spiritual experience. That can was doing for him what he couldn't do from self you know like well he was he was just down there you know and so i got in alcoholics anonymous and i'm going along and i'M DOING ALL THIS STUFF AND WHAT I'M BEGINNING TO NOTICE IS THAT TIME IS GOING BY AND I'M ACTUALLY NOT DRINKING AND I'm THINKING WOW THIS IS OKAY AND I GOT SOBER AT JULY 5TH OF 1970 AND AND MY MOM SAID and like Sharon I'm going to be 55 in a while I got a 44 year old son won't buy that but the deal was is that you know I was sober about 6 or 7 months and to tell you where I was at Bill Wilson died January of 71 and I called my sponsor I said this is some stuff I said, the owner died, you know. You know, I thought it might work for me and now the guy who owns it checks out, you know. And he said, don't worry, they're going to try to keep the meetings going for a while, you know, so he said I'll just keep picking you up Sparky and we'll go and see how it goes, you know. So I said okay, you know, and he used to have to come into my neighborhood to get me and I lived in a good section of Brooklyn, you know we were controlled by the mafia i mean i know there is no mafia we lived under that delusion for years you know but when i was a kid i got to meet vito genovese well i didn't get introduced to him but at that time he was the capo de capo he was the number one guy in the mafia he was on 13th avenue and i had one of those little city skateboards that you have you know you take an orange crate and you bang it to a piece of wood and you put some ball bearings on it and you think you own something. And I was scooting along and a kid said to me, see that guy over there? I said, yeah. He said, that's Vito Genovese. He says, if he says you're dead, you might as well just lay down, you know? And I thought, wow, that is the guy you want to be. Can you imagine? When he came on the street, they did not even mention his name. They just said, he is on the Street. And everybody would grab glass you'd turn around wherever you were at and you'd look in women's lingerie bakery you know drugstore tire shop whatever because whatever was going to happen it was going to happen quick you know we used to have a saying in our neighborhood you know how far is it to the subway we say we don't know no one's ever made it you know like so we just really don't know you know he fell asleep in the trunk of a car he deserved to be shot you know that's just the way we were you know like you know that's just the way we were and I started to do these steps and I decided to do all this stuff that they talk about in the big book and then I realized that the guys who wrote this big book really knew us I mean you can't read Dr. Silkworth's stuff without really getting a boost you know particularly when he says like you now describing you gosh I thought this was terrific he said they're maladjusted they're in full flight from reality they're outright mental defectives if you want what they have you know hang in there you know they're producers of chaos even in their best moments you know like and i thought wow we are something you know and i realized that What he was writing about us was absolutely correct. We're very delusional people, you know? In Alcoholics Anonymous, it should be a saying here, you know, when the tide of delusion goes out, you get to see who's been swimming nude, you know? And that's the way it is here because there's a lot of delusion, you know? And people get caught up in that and they call it reality. and the funny part is they believe it you know like well and you say this is really tricky stuff here but i started doing this stuff and and i realized that the guys who wrote this book had a lot of street smart but they were very spiritual people and they were able to take their experience and take their street sense and put it into a language that even people who got through school totally unscarred by education could understand, you know. And they wrote things in there, you know, it's one of the things I read in there and it caused people a lot of concern, it still does in the third step. It says, you know, turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand God. You've already said in steps one and two that you're insane and you have no power. So you have to ask yourself, if I'm insane and I have no power, what am I turning over? you know but they made it sound like a big deal so that you were giving away something you didn't have in the first place and you wanted to balk about it you know well I I have some hesitation here you know okay Sparky you know hold on to that hesitation you know it's important that you have it and then people will say to you things like Ken if I keep turning over my will and my life to the care of God as I understand him I'm going to become like the hole in the donut watch my lips this is really really important we are the hole in the doughnut you know and thank God we are because donuts come and go but the hole is always there you know and it's that hole that connects us to whatever this infinite thing is that everybody seems to be spending a lot of time trying to get you know I'm trying to get conscious contact with God Kent I'm trying Kent I'm trying Kent you know you want to get a conscious contact with God do yourself a simple favor practice these principles in all of your affairs and I guarantee you you'll be contacted you know and that's just the way it is you know people are running around looking for stuff they never lost I'm seeking God Sparky slow down you know what you're looking for you're working for you're not looking with you know you're Looking for something you already have and you go oh yeah yeah yeah yeah okay well I'm going to take a seminar on that you know I had a couple of workshops I think I should get into you know and it says we want to form a conscious contact and you know you're either conscious which means you're in the present or you're unconscious which means You're not in the presence. It was said today that we suffer from a spiritual malady and when that spiritual malade is overcome will straighten out mentally and physically. to about 10 years ago, I couldn't pinpoint what that spiritual malady is for me. And now I can tell you tonight definitively I know what that Spiritual Malady is for me The Spiritual Maladay is when I try to live in some other tense than the present tense That's the Spiritual Malade. I'm either looking back or looking ahead. I am not living in the now And it's important that I live in the now because that's where God lives. God is always in the know. In fact, they write it in this book. There is one who has all power. That one is God. May you find him Thursday. You know? It's all about living in the Now. And when you live in The Now, you live with God. and everything else becomes secondary because everything else is secondary. And you become conscious and you live consciously and that's what it talks about. That's the repetitive theme of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is to find a God of your understanding and to live consciously with that God. You know, as I became conscious of his presence I lost my fear of today, tomorrow and the hereafter. I was reborn because I'm living in the now. Burn into the consciousness of this guy that he can get sober. All he has to do is what? Trust God and clean house. The consciousness of his belief in God will become the paramount thing in his life. I mean, folks, how can you read this stuff and not get it? You know, it's really amazing to me that folks will read that and they'll say, yeah, I read it and I understand it. but i'm going to take that seminar anyway you know and the deal is is because what we're afraid of and all alcoholics have the same fear is that if i let go of this image of who i am what am i going to be and the bottom line here is you have to let go of it you know people say well what's this being that they're talking about in this consciousness it's what comes before i am this or i am that it's just the i am the i m is who you are not i am this i am i am and once you start to live as an i am life gets pretty easy you know alcoholics are people who are standing on a whale and we're fishing for minnow you know you know yeah so what I'm sober I'm happy I'm joyous I'm free what are you doing they're going to take that seminar I don't want to miss out on that seminar because I know there's something wrong you know when we were all sent out from the home office we were sent out perfect there was absolutely nothing wrong with us we were just sent out perfect but somewhere along the line we bought into the fact that hey we are not perfect I like the language they use in here about how easily we give up it says alcoholics have to be pretty badly mangled mangled before they begin to address their alcoholism mangled M-A-N-G-L-E-D mangled I'm not talking about a scrape here I'm talking mangled you know you look up the word mangled in the dictionary it says to disfigure as a result of tearing crushing or cutting we're not talking about a scrape we're talking about mangled you know so what do you got to be i'm mangled and i'm munching on i'm going to take that seminar okay i'm bleeding i'm crushed i i'm limping but i'm moving forward because i don't want to miss the seminar you know and the deal is is that sooner or later you come to the reality that hey this is the reality what there ain't nothing else folks this is it as the show said at the end that's all folks you know there ainít nothing else you know it is no sense running around because no matter where you go you're still going to be there you know and you're going to be the I am and that's the way it is it's going to be the IM I heard people talk this weekend in great length about the pain and suffering they went through and how they just didn't want to give up you just don't want to give you're getting you know you know how they used to catch monkeys in Borneo they would put cages bamboo cages out on the beach and they put bananas in these bamboo cages and the monkeys in the trees where they were nice and safe would come down out of the trees and slide their hand in and grab the banana and once they had the banana they couldn't get their hand out. And the natives would just walk up behind them and say, looks like a mangle to me, you know? And they would just beat on those monkeys. And the deal is if you're an alcoholic, you probably start working two cages, you know? I've been sober a while. One banana won't do me, you know. I need the pain of two bananas. Rick needed three bananas, you But the deal is that you just hear this stuff. You just hear this stuff, and you say to yourself like, wow, this is amazing stuff. And the nice part about being sober is you get to laugh at a lot of this. I mean, I listen to guys day in and day out and I'm just thinking, this is funny stuff. If it didn't involve the pain of this person, this would be like a comedy. Because these guys are really into it. And that's the way these guys are i took a guy to a bowling shop about six months ago and and as we walked in i looked around and i thought wow all the nice trophies here and donnie says to me wow is this guy good. I said, Donnie, he makes these. But I relate to Donnie and I relate to all the Donnies in the world. When I was in high school, I was court ordered to a psychiatrist. I had an anger problem and I was a running back on a football team, and at that time you played offense and defense. And I broke through the line, and the team, we were playing for the playoff spot for the state championship, and the linebacker got knocked down, and this linebacking had been giving me a lot of heat all day long, hitting me when I was down and kicking me. So I just ran over him and put my cleats right in his chest and stepped over him. And it felt so good that instead of going for the end zone, I made a U-turn and came back. And I ran over him again. And the coach took me out of the game and I caught a lot of flack for that because that's not why the guys are blocking and knocking people down so you can make U-turns. So I got court ordered to a psychiatrist and I'm sitting there in the psychiatrist's office and he's asking me a bunch of questions and of course I'm so vague I don't even know myself. And finally he says to me, Ken what are you thinking of right at this exact moment? I made something up and told him. He said no that's not what you're thinking of. What are you thinking of? And right at that exact moment what I was thinking is if my knees bent the other way what would chairs look like? I hadn't met you guys yet But somehow, intuitively, I knew that's not what I wanted to tell them. I knew That wasn't the answer. I thought, No, no, I'm not going to tell him that. But that's the way my mind functions. And it's like that today. About two months ago, I am in the bonds and I am checking out and I'm in a slow line. I always like the slow line, you know, I like the line where nobody is in a rush and it says, absolutely no checks and so forth and everybody's got to check. And I like to find those lines. And I'm in the back there and I'm always encouraging the people in front of me like, hey, take your time. I've got nothing to do with the rest of my life. And as I'm sitting there I'm taking in the whole part of the front part of the store where they sell all that stuff the gum and stuff as you're going out. And it hit me clear as I could be and it lets me know that my mind is still working like a tech you know I couldn't believe it but and maybe you guys don't know this so I'm bringing you up to speed on something but I hope so because I like to inform there are absolutely no B batteries I guess you didn't know it either, huh? There are A batteries. There are AA batteries. There are AAA batteries. There are C batteries. There are double C's. There are triple C's, there are D's. There's no B batteries. I thought the cashier wanted to know this. I said, hey, you guys got no B batteries. And her response was, I'll give you the double coupons, just keep moving, you know, like you know but this is the way i see things in life you know it's like i was sitting out where you guys are sitting and i'm counting the lights thinking god there's 13 lights there 12 lights there and then when i got up here i realized there's 13 i was going to make a big thing about hey there's 12 lights and they're like the 12 steps and then but i was close there's 14 there's 13 steps, you know. So that's the way I am in a room, you know. I'm just like inhaling it. You know, I ran numbers when I was a kid and I don't remember anybody's name but I can tell you the number you bet from 1945 to about 1962 and the bottom line is, you see, I'm like a guy who goes into who sells clothes, you now. Who are you talking about? The 42 long with the big sleeves or... I just know the numbers and the deal is That's the way I take in a room today. It's just like I inhale it. You know, just, it's there. And I like doing that because it keeps me alive. I want to be alive. I don't want to sit around. I absolutely insist on living every minute of my life. And if you're here and you're new, that's what you should be insisting on. You know? Don't waste a moment. You know. Don't get tied down with this pettiness and resentments and all this stuff that I hear people talking about. It's time consuming. And not only that, it takes up a lot of energy. These guys wrote in the 11th step here that if you do this 11th step and you stop butting into everybody's business and stop trying to control the world, what's going to happen is you're going to have a lot more energy. It says that. You're going feel a lot better. A lot more energized. It won't be a B battery, but you're gonna have a lot of energy. And the reason you're gonna have a lot of energy is because you're not using it up. You know? And that energy you have will be able to be put into something good. you know and you're going to find out that even when you're in Alcoholics Anonymous sometimes you hear things and you say afterward I shouldn't have listened to that you know somebody said to me Ken you don't know anything about sex until you do it in front of a mirror well I think it's covered right here and into action so I tried it I damn near wrecked the car you know like and and the thing that threw me off were those side view mirrors they said objects may appear larger than they really are you know so the deal is you've got to be awake here you've gotta be on your toes and the only way to do that is to be living in the moment I love people who casually say when Joe gets out of college in 12 years I'm gonna start to live Sparky you may not be here when Joe gets out of college and then again Joe may not get out of college Joe may decide he doesn't want to go to college, you know. So you don't want us postpone anything. You want to start living right now because if you start living like this, if you're living right in the moment right now, you've won. In fact, if you take the word now and you reverse it, it's won. W-O-N. N-O-"W". W-o-"n". People with dyslexia are going, yeah, I can see that. It's plain as day. and the deal is that you got to learn to laugh along the way because you know you're saying i think they're laughing at me we are you know you need to be energized and you know by the time you're figuring out you could have tried it you know i've i hear people say well i'm trying to get spiritual well if you look inside the word spiritual you're going to see the word ritual, R-I-T-U-A-L. And unless you've developed the ritual to live in the moment, you're never going to get spiritual. It's the only way you can get spiritual, develop the ritual of living right now. When someone starts talking to you about some other date, if it's not April the 9th, that's, I've never done this April the ninth Saturday before. This is exciting as hell to me, you know? And I suggest to people, go screw stuff up, make us proud if you haven't made the news at least once you probably haven't lived life get out there instead of me sitting back I'm preparing for life but I'm not going to live it get out screw something up get your name in the paper once in a while don't be afraid of just screwing up we're counting on it You know, like, I love to see people go out and screw stuff up. You know what? I do because at least I know they're into action instead of constantly going into planning. You know thinking is a great word but what it really means is I don't want to take action. I'm into thinking. Okay. So when are you going to do something? Well, I'm going to talk to my sponsor. I'm gonna write about it. I'm going to talk about it at every meeting I go to. I'm probably going to have this project for the next decade. And by that time, all the characters will have moved away. The deal is, get into it. Go have some fun. I used to give out t-shirts to the newcomers that said, Be a verb. Don't be a noun. We've got too many nouns. Be averb. Leap before you look. I saw a bumper sticker once. I thought, this should be an Alcoholics Anonymous bumper sticker. It says, which way did they go? How fast are they moving? How many are there? I must find them. I am their leader. You know? And I thought... This is the way it should be. You know. You know, I look at alcoholics sometimes and I think they want to be a piano player in a marching band. Pick up something you can handle, a flute, a clarinet, something like this. Now I know there's a 13-step dance tonight, so I won't run you guys over. Oh, like nobody's thought about it yet. So I'm giving you about 10-minute notice to start to pick out your targets of opportunity. she doesn't have to be Miss Right she just has to be Miss Right Now and these guys will play the music that will push you over the edge throw a saddle on the stove mama we're riding the range tonight I used to kiss her on the lips but it's all over now You know, these are the songs that, you know, alcoholics can relate to, you know. Instead of the, who was the guy who used to be on there with the Lennon sisters and all that stuff, you know? Lawrence Welk. Yes, thank you. Get down in the Get Funky with Lawrence WelK. And the Lenneon sisters singing, I don't get no satisfaction, you know. But this is what it's about. Be it in the moment. When you guys are laughing, you're right here. And you know we're the only animal in the animal kingdom that can laugh. Think about that. What a great gift from God. You know we are the only animals in the human world and the only one in the animal kingdom that can live. And the reason we laugh is because our minds get tricked. Did you ever stop to... Don't think about it. Did you... Contemplate. But we're the only animal in the animal kingdom that can laugh. And the deal is, is that we're the only ones that can see the absurdity of things. And what happens when you laugh, what causes you to laugh is there's a series of events in a joke that should lead up to a reasonable conclusion. And what happened is the punch line is totally illogical. And what happen is your mind gets screwed. Now if you're laughing at the same joke three or four times, you know probably need therapy but but uh but or the seminar you know but uh but the deal is is uh but the deal is that that's just the way it works and you know i don't care what happens to you if you think that you have had a rough time regardless of whether it's true or not just remember this that everything that happened to you regardless of how you label it or look at it has got you to this point It got you here. And now that you're here and you paid such a high price, why don't you put it to use? Don't sit around thinking, get busy. If you look at the last four letters of that word thinking, it's K-I-N-G. We've made it the king. It's not the king, there is no king. king but it's not thinking there is one who has all power that one is God may you find him now now now you know did he say now Myrtle yeah and the deal is is that that's what you want to be doing is living in the now and having some fun you know scratching and doing some stuff you know there isn't a person in here who couldn't tell... Thank you. You know, I just looked up back there and suddenly I felt like Gregory Peck in To Kill a Mockingbird. You know? Atticus Finch. But the deal is that you want to go and have some fun with this thing because there isn't a person in here who couldn'T tell you a very, very sad story. And it would have a lot of ups and downs to it. But the bottom line is each thing that happened was just nothing more than a point of pointing us in the direction that we wanted to go. If you listen to every speaker who shared today and Mildred probably tomorrow is that everybody has to leave God in order to find God. You have to go away from God so that you can come back because when you're with God initially you're too contemptuous and you've got too much ego to really understand and accept it. So what you do is, and we all do the same thing, is we take over our own lives, and we take off. And we're in charge. Death out on the highway, you know? Gonna do it my way, you know. And the deal is, as you're doing that, you're moving down, and you're playing a role you have to play so that some point, hopefully, you can consciously make a U-turn and come back to God. And that's the surprising thing. It's not that people have lost God, that's amazing. It'S the fact that they've lost Him. In most cases, they don't know it. And they haven't lost him in the truest sense, they just lost him in a conscious sense. Because he's always here. You know, I've been through what everybody else has been through. I've had ups and downs. I have good times and bad times. And the bottom line is I just kept doing what I did best and that is go to meetings. I haven't been going to meetings so long, I have absolutely no defense against the next meeting. You know? And I read this book and I read things in here and one of the things I read was that you know it says lack of power is my dilemma and the opposite of that is true too lack of dilemma is my power you know all i have to do is not scratch shit that don't itch you know and leave it alone and what happens is things work out and i'm in contact now with human beings i'm in contact with cats and dogs you know when i was drinking i got thrown out of a card game and I was thrown from the top floor down to a landing on the second floor and I landed really good and there was a cat there and that cat looked up and to this day I swear that cat said nice landing and he and I knew and I had an incident like that in sobriety I was coming down the road and I looked in my rear view mirror and it was a hot August day in San Diego and there was this Rottweiler. Now, I don't know if you know what a Rottwiler is but that's a Doberman on steroids. You know, it's huge. It's a huge dog and I saw this Rattweiler closing up on my car so I pulled over and I lowered the window and the dog came up and he was and I said, and I look at him and I say, what now? and that dog looked at me and just for that moment he and I were on the same wavelength that dog intuitively knew that I had chased after shit in my life not knowing what I was going to do when I caught it and and and we kept this really good eye contact for about two minutes and then I said hang in there tiger you know catch your breath maybe you'll catch a Volkswagen you know like that and as I pulled away it came to me the reason I had trouble with dogs all my life is I was always trying to get into places they were being fed to keep me out of you know because when I was drinking I you know I used to find things before people officially lost them and the deal was is that dogs sometimes were involved, you know. And the nice part about this sobriety thing is that it doesn't really matter what goes on because no matter what going on, I only have to do the now of it. I don't have to do the forever of it, there is no forever of it. There's just the now over it. Regardless of what you're going through or I might be going through today, we only have to do the 9th of April. That's it. We don't have to do it forever. It's not a forever deal. It' s not a life sentence. It is not until death do us part. It right now. And the deal is I've gone through that stuff. You know I've lost brothers and sisters behind this disease. I had a sister die one week on Christmas day of cirrhosis and I had brother die New Year's Day a week later. And I went, we went to the same funeral home a week apart to bury the both of them and my mom couldn't take it and she died about three or four months later and so i know what the cemetery looks like the cemetery looks they're all the same it has a headstone it has the date you were born a dash and the date you died and that dash is life that's it it's maybe six eight inches long most of us are pretty far along in the dash at least i am you know and the deal is i don't have time to waste with insignificant stuff i don'T HAVE TIME TO WORRY WASTE WITH NEGATIVE NEWS NEGATE PEOPLE RESENTMENTS TRYING TO FIGURE IT OUT I AIN'T GOT THE TIME YOU KNOW AND AND MORE IMPORTANTLY I AINT ALLOCATING ANYTIME YOU KNOW LAST JULY I WAS I WAS BUYING MY OWN business and I started passing out and I didn't know what was going on. And next thing you know, on July 2nd, I'm in the emergency room at the hospital and I was bleeding internally and they didn't Know what was causing that. But that wasn't the problem. You know, I thought I had food poisoning. And what happened was they had to bring that bleeding under control and then they told me, you know, you're going to need a bypass. So I ended up getting a triple bypass. And the deal was is they couldn't do the bypass until they controlled the hemorrhaging And the doctor came in and told Carol, he said, well, if he starts hemorrhaging, there's nothing we can do. And Carol started crying, and she says, well I'm not ready for this. And the doc said, are you ready? I said, sure, let's go. And Carol gave me some nonsense about that because she thought I was just willing to throw in the towel. It wasn't like I was willing to throwing the towel, I enjoy walking around. You can tell that. you know I'm just looking for another thread to pull and see where it goes but the bottom line was I knew I was powerless I knew that dad was in charge of everything and I just had to show up and the doctor came in to see me right after the surgery and he said you know what is your mom and dad still living and I said no they're not they're both dead he said I would have loved to have met them And I said, why? And he said, you've got the most unbelievable family I've ever met. He said, people are coming to see you brothers and sisters who are black, yellow, pink. You know? They, they. He said some of them don't even speak English. You know. And I say, yeah. I said it's always been kind of a large family. You know, and then I got over that. and I had to go back in for something else and people used to say take off your shirt Ken because I at one time looked like I belonged and now I take off my shirt I look like a Thomas Brothers you know I got things going every which way and the deal is is that I don't know about you but I'm along in the dash I know that and I don' t want to waste any of this time so that's why I love coming to meetings I love meeting new people at these meetings I love to look at the ocean I love it I love looking I love the video thing that you put on tonight I cried to think that people have to go through this. They have to get mangled before they see it. And, you know, we all did it. You know, We are not quick learners. You know? We are definitely not quick learner's. You know we're very, very slow learner's and the bottom line is that I looked at the screen here and this screen to me represents God. There's absolutely nothing on that screen and when they put on the DVD that they put on, suddenly that screen disappears and life takes over. And what you get to see is what you're supposed to see. And you hear the music and you watch the pictures and you forget the screen is there. And it's the screen that sustains the whole deal. And that's God's role. He sustains the whole thing. At life, you want to have a good life at some point. Jay said you got to get three minutes of silence. That's a beginning, you know, that's a beginning. It's not an ending and, you know, be still and know that I am God. All of the mystics had the same prayer and that is you cannot catch hold of it nor can you let go of it. In not being able to get it, you get it. When you are speaking, it's silent. When you are silent, it speaks. You have to allow time in the day for this and I don't mean just a little bit of time, I mean copious amounts of time to say, hey God, I know you're there. I do it at red lights. Whenever I'm at a red light, I just say, God, thanks for keeping me sober. I really appreciate it. When my phone rings, I never pick it up on the first or the second ring. I let it ring to remind me so I can say, Lord, thanks. Thanks for keeping us sober. The best prayer there is, there isn't a better prayer than the grateful prayer. Be grateful. You've been given a lot. You've bene given a lof. Don't squander it in your mind. Don't squander it in you mind. Get out and start doing. And if you're confused and you don't know what to do, great. We're proud of you. It's the people who know everything that scare us. you know if you don't know i don't know what i'm doing good you're consistent you know just just go and do and what you'll find out is that as you're doing whatever it is that you're supposed to be doing will come but it won't come when you're sitting around contemplating thinking you got to be a doer this book doesn't have a chapter into thinking but it does have a chap into action you know and that's what we're about into action, you know. We are not a glum lot, you know. Look around this room and watch when the dance comes. Oh, I can't wait to see that. That's like going to a bullfight without a cape or a sword, you know, like, yeah, ole! Maybe. So the deal is, is that I am just so happy to be here with you guys. I know what it is to lose. You know, back in 93, I had a son who came home to me and he was very, very sick with AIDS and he wasn't able to get out of the hospital. He was with me for two months and then he died. He was with me July and August and a piece of September and he died and I remember his birthday's coming up and he's much on my mind And I remember that his disease was so debilitating that he didn't want to lose his self-respect, so he wanted to go to the bathroom on his own. And I used to have to throw comforters and pillows on the floor so he could crawl across the floor to the bedroom. And it became very clear one day that he was crawling on the floor to sustain his dignity. And I had crawled on the floor and lost my dignity. So, the action itself is neither good nor bad. It's why you're doing it. And he ended up in the hospice where I had volunteered for 10 years, not knowing I was getting ready to do this. And my former wife got back in my life, obviously. I got to meet my husband-in-law. I mean... God has a great sense of humor. And the deal is that we stopped all the medication and he had a moment of clarity in the hospital and he came out of this coma that he was in and he was awake for about 40 minutes. And during that time, he wanted to know where he was and his mom and I had to tell him he was going to be in the hospice and that there was no going home. And he put his head to one side of the pillow and he wasn't going to go home. He was in this world. And when he brought his head back from that side of the pillow, he was of this world. And he thanked his mom and I for being there for him. And I looked at him and I said, are you okay with this? And my son said something that I'll carry to my grave. And he said, I'm good to go, Dad. I'm going to be okay. I'm not going to get good to-go. And that's the way I want to live my life. every single minute of it. I want to be good to go. And I thank you guys for letting me come here tonight and I hope you live every one minute of your lives and I hop whenever that dash runs out for you, you've had all the scratching and itching you could take. And I hope you're good to go. God bless you. Thank you.