Step 3 and the Lie That a Sponsor Can Make You Turn Your Will – Jack G.

Sorry, I'm Jack Grisham and I'm an alcoholic. I want to thank you guys for having me and I don't know, I get wrapped up watching this stuff and watching faces and I love being sober and I owe the appreciation of my life to you guys. Not my life, I don'T owe you my life. I had that and I had kids and I had money and I had all that crap and I just didn't appreciate any of it until I got here. And I was thinking sometimes, I'll tell you why I'm even here, how I even ended up here in a second, but I think sometimes when we talk about the language of the heart and what that is, and I was wondering the other day that it's impossible to have a dictionary of that, that language, and what that would even look like when we talked about one day. So we have one day, What's one day mean? Well, to me, one day means this. But to our friend that gets up and says one day, one thing means a whole nother thing to him. We say the word father. Father to one person means one thing. Father do another person means something completely different. And so a dictionary dealing with the language of the heart would be millions and millions of pages on one thing, just a simple clap. Millions of pages. On what does a clap feel like? What is it like? what does it mean to you? I was sitting in a meeting one day and I heard this girl talk and she was talking about getting her ass kicked by drinking. And a beautiful girl, you know, real sweet, and she was telling a horrific story. And the story was her and her boyfriend got out and she'd been raped and beaten and to jail and blah, blah, bla, and running down this story. And at the end of the story, she says, and I feel like drinking. and i thought to myself why what is it and what i realized was her emotional definition of the drink had not changed to her a drink meant companionship freedom from worry care boredom frustration that in her mind the definition of alcohol still meant those things to her Even though the real definition of a drink to her was nothing close to that at all. It meant jail, it meant death, it met all these other things, but emotionally she still thought it meant freedom. And I wondered when my definition of what a drink changed. I don't think freedom when I think drink. I think crap my pants, slit my wrist and go to jail. That's what I think, you know? And let me tell you, no matter how bad it gets, I never think that's a good option, man. You know, never. I mean, I was homeless at 20 years of sobriety. I was living in a car. Try that, man! Never once did I think God, alcohol is gonna help this! Not at all! I thought this is a very small car and crappy pants is not gonna go well in here! God damn it! You know so... So what is it? And what are we talking about? And especially coming into AA, and I know there's a lot of control freaks in here. I love that, you know, when he asked, hey, we're having video problems. Does anybody have a solution? I was surprised every hand in the room didn't go up. I mean, none of you know a damn thing about the video projector, but you know how to fix it, that's for sure. You know, it's like, well, let me get in there. It's like yeah, all right, buddy. And then we do the same thing. Think what we do with the steps and think what we do with a book, and we do this same thing! We try to control, we try to manipulate, we tried to squeeze this thing, we try make it something that it's not. We try take it out of the world of the spirit and put into the world whatever it is. This physical thing like we have some control over what's happening here. And then want to go and we want to meet people and we got to say the right thing. We want to think well let me think about what we're going to say today. me think about this. Today, Patty and I were talking. I said, Patty, I don't know. I got a situation. What's going on? And we both kind of sit there, but we don't know what the right thing is because sometimes the word that we think is the right word isn't the right word. Sometimes the words just stick in a handout and saying it's gonna be okay. Sometimes the right words not even talking about alcoholism at all. Maybe talking about TV. Maybe laughing at a commercial or something that we see. It's got nothing to do with what comes out of my mouth. What comes out of my month isn't always pleasant. I can guarantee you that. There's a lot of really tight-wadded old-timers that have trouble with me at home. And I look at them all the time, man, hey, you don't want me to read the book? Don't give it to me. And then after I read it, you better make sure whatever you're saying checks out, because it doesn't. And anyway, you know, I got into it with a guy about two weeks ago because he's bitching about recovery rate. Don't tell me recovery rate, it's your fault champ, it' s your fault. How long have you been sober? Forty something years. Your fault, not mine. You were in here before I was buddy. You want to complain about the meetings, why the hell did you let them go? Why'd you let this go on? And then you want to sit here and complain about our program. Why do you sit in a meeting and let new people come in and talk about whatever they want, and you say that's what they need to do? Where do you come up with that? Why don't you sit-in the meeting and make them talk about a step? You know, we sit in the meeting, you watch, you go to these discussion meetings, right, and you watch. When the topic's anger, every hand in the room goes up. Everybody's got something to say. You want to make the topic resentment? Every hand inthe room comes up. you want to make it lust you make any of this crap you want a drink story every hand in the room goes up and they all got a story you make the topic what was it like when you read your four step to your sponsor maybe half the hands in theroom go up you make the topic what was the hardest amends you ever had to make maybe a few hands go up you make it what's it look like whenyou talk to god what wasitlike to get connected what does that feel like maybe a hand or two goes up we let that happen we don't encourage recovery a lot of times in Alcoholics Anonymous we encourage whatever whatever so I don't know what to tell you guys sometimes you know somebody says hey come give a talk come give it talk about what what am I giving a talk about how all of a sudden I realized that I was going to die? How do I explain that to you? When I sat in a meeting, year and a half sober after already being here for a long time, saying I'm an alcoholic and not really believing it. And then that one day it hit me and I realized I was gonna drink again and there wasn't a thing you could do to help me. Not one hero sponsor, not 90 meetings, 90 days, not memorizing anything out of that big book. Not 1 thing, not 1 human power thing was going to help me because I was going to walk in here one day and go, you're full of shit and I don't need you. Because I knew me and I'd done it tons of times before. I don'T need you and when it hit me all of a sudden I realized I was done for and I knew what hopeless was and this wasn't hopeless when I was drinking. This was hopeless when I was sober because I knew I was gonna drink again and you couldn't help me. No hero sponsor none of that crap and I hear crazy stuff in AA. I sit in AA and I hear these guys go, well, I make my babies work a first step. I make them work a third step. A first step? Really? You make your man accept to his innermost self that he's an alcoholic. How the hell do you do that? That's crazy. And I love it. I hear this other guy go, my sponsor made me do a third-step. He made me do a third step. Really? Your sponsor made you turn your will and your life over the care of God. How the hell did he do that? Let's send your sponsor to the Middle East. That's crazy. How do you make that happen? You know what I'm saying? I think the last time they were trying to do that, it was during the Spanish Inquisition or something. I think they were throwing hot oil in people's eyes or whatever it was going on. And I get you're writing it out. And I guess you're getting on your knees and I get your doing a four step and I guess you're making amends. But there's a big difference between following orders and having your heart change. Our prisons are loaded with people following orders right now. My name's good in every state facility around here. You walk in and go, I know Jack. They all laugh. You know what I mean? It's like, yeah, my name is good in everyone of them. And you know what? They're following orders in there. They're follow orders. And if they don't follow orders, they get punished for not following orders. They're showing up to chow on time. They're going to commissary. They're doing everything they're supposed to do. They are following orders, but it does not mean their heart has changed one bit. It means they're following order. i hear somebody say how can you work the steps and still drink i see it all the time see people work these steps and drink work them on paper so what so what yeah good for you glad for your willingness champ i'm in work your heart different thing completely our friend joe millard that goes to meetings up by us he says he always says that one quote pity the heart that's slow to learn what the quick mind sees at every turn. How does it get inside? Because in here, we're talking about inside. And if you think you can walk inside somebody's heart and change it, you're confused. You are sorely confused. Does happen though. Does happened. How I even ended up here with you guys tonight when I should be at my meeting. Let me tell you something. I'm upset right now. Patty Sponsey, Connie is running my meeting right now and I'm not happy about it, right? So I'm texting on my phone. What's she doing? What's he doing? But here's how I ended up here. So I get a call and they say, Sandy's sick. And I hope Sandy's feeling better. So they say, yeah, I'll go. I'm Not busy that weekend. I mean, I'm in, I will go. Not happy about it, but I'll go. And because then I thought when I got happy about it, I thought, well, you know what? I'm going to go swing. I'll drive instead. Patty goes, why the hell aren't you flying? It's like, well, I'd rather drive for 10 hours and get a $400 speeding ticket instead of drive. So that's what I did. That was my choice. Well, you can spend an hour and a half on the phone or you could drive for ten hours and, uh, get a ticket. I'd go with a ticket in the ten hours, sir. You know so I'll prove them wrong anyway so so but I swing by San Francisco to get my daughter and I hang out with my kid that's so it's cool I'm with my daughter you know but but so I say I'm gonna come here out of the blue Sandy gets sick they call I say all come fine great no problem I'm rolling a week ago I get a call from my daughter's grandmother she says I'm worried about my brother Can you talk to him? I said, yeah. Now, the fact that this woman's even calling me and asking me to talk to her brother is a big deal. I was a drunk when I was seeing her daughter. Pulling each other's hair when she was eight months pregnant. Fighting. Standing in the delivery room. Her stepdad looking at me with just the word trash written all over his eyes. Hanging out at the hospital Not because I was a good dad But because some guys were trying to kill me So I went to the hospital to hide out That woman shouldn't deal with me at all But because of you guys And doing what we do She called me and said Can you talk to my brother I said yeah Sharon man I'll be glad to talk to your brother What's going on She tells me a little bit I say cool where is he She goes he's in Reading so so here he's sitting in the front row with seven days you can double flip me off Dickie it's alright and I look at Dickie I go, man, the universe is conspiring against you, brother. You know, what is that? Anyway, so and how often does that happen? You know? How often? We sit in here. Oh, my God. I think about it so much. You know. I see these people crying and whining about their lives all the time because they're not really taking a look at it. They're really looking. Do you know that stuff like that happens in Alcoholics Anonymous every day? around the clock every day and we take it for granted because we don't even think about it because it's so commonplace around here I remember when I was going and looking for and nothing against church God bless you know I'm in whatever nothing against Church I just I'm not a visitor anyway and it's funny because I'm friends with like a lot of priests and rabbis you know they go oh Jack we'd love to have you no you can't talk down there we don'T like that language down there But we'd love to have you. It's like, I'll stay out. Anyway, so. But I remember looking, trying to see and hear what they got down there. And I'm thinking, I'd hear stories. They go to church, and they're telling stories of 2,000 years ago about lepers being healed. I'm thinkin', I see that every day. You guys got any new pamphlets out of Jerusalem or anything for me I could read? You know, something new? All right, sorry. Anyway, so I see it all the time, man. Anyway, all right, let's drop that. All right, so thank God you guys can't run me out of here, man, you know. God, I just love that and you just got to love me. Anyway, anyway, so whatever, let us get to business as if that was not business. I know, I love being sober. you know what am I supposed to tell you my life's a joke I got kids that love me I'm surrounded I'm probably the richest man I know you probably don't know a richer man than me I am surrounded by so much love it is unbelievable I mean unbelievable the amount of love I am surrounding with and you know didn't start out like that I lived at my mother's and I know Patty's one of my mothers too like that with her son thank God the Al-Anon people never got a hand on my mom, man. Not one. The blood of the lamb was spray painted on our front door and the Al Anons drifted right by. They never got up in there, you know what I mean? It'd be like, I would go to jail and I'd get out and my mother would go, they're always picking on you sweethearts. You're right, mom. I'd be in the neighbor's yard passed out with my pants down any time, day or night and if the neighbors had balls enough to complain they'd wander over and complain and my mother would go, Lee Maloney is an artist I'm in craziness and how I got to you guys was an accident It's an accident how I rolled up in here. I'll tell you what I got here. A buddy of mine got busted on a cocaine trafficking charge. What is? How do you know what I'm looking for? You didn't know? Do you see that? I go like this to look, and he goes, it's on the other side. Well, I'm look, and I don't see a big book over here, Phil. All right, anyway. Does anybody got a big one? Big book in here? Not in here, no. Can I borrow it? Is it a big one with big print? Can I borrow yours? Oh, that's a worn one. You've been using it. All right, never mind. So here's what I got to you guys. A buddy of mine gets busted on a cocaine trafficking charge and he goes to court. Now I believe more alcoholics are created in court than anywhere else in the world because hundreds of thousands of us go to court every day non-alcoholic and we come in front of the judge the judge says, Mr. Smith you're looking at a year's sentence but if you were an alcoholic you could do a 90 day treatment program I'm an alcoholic, your honor hey anyway, whatever so real quick on that I just lost my mind for a second. It'll come back. I'll just talk until it does. Do you know that no matter what you say in AA, someone will disagree with you? Are you aware of that? So I'm going to do a favor to the new people that are in here right now. If you're brand new in here and you're just trying to blow smoke up our ass, stop now. Stop now. Okay? Because we know you're miserable and we know your bum and you don't like us. We know it. Okay? We're in. Right? We're In. don't try to lie to us tell us the truth we don't care tell us the truth stand up cuss us out double finger us do whatever you want because we'll just clap and tell you to keep coming back anyway we don'T care no matter what you say because it's our job to love you right that's our jobs so just go with it get it out now man until you get old and then you get a bunch of pride issues and you don't get to do it anymore so so do it now And I'll tell you another reason, because no matter what you say around here, somebody will disagree with you. You can stand up at the podium and say, the ocean is wet. Somebody else will get up and go, not along the edge, it's not. Hey, just give it to us, man. Anyway, because I made that joke about more alcoholics being created in court. And it's a joke, but it's true joke, so it's funny. It's a true joke. I said that at a meeting one time, and this guy comes up to me afterwards. He's a monster, right? And I'm big, and he's bigger than me, right. And he's like really huge and tattoos and bad all over him. He goes, can I talk to you, man? I go, yeah. I go what's up, bro? He goes I did the year, dog. Well, you're a stupid alcoholic then. God damn, if you don't got enough sense to cop a plea and come on up here, you better get up in here and get a sponsor and start working steps, guy, because you're going to die out there, my man. Anyway, so that's what happens to my buddy. he gets busted on a cocaine trafficking charge, and he was fine. Two weeks ago, he didn't even have a problem. I was getting loaded with him. You know what I mean? There was no problem mentioned. It wasn't like, hey, Jack, you know what? I think I might have a problema. Will you clean up that last line of blow for us? No, it was no. It was, are you cutting that even, dude? There was no problems mentioned, right? But now, now there's a problem because he doesn't want to go to jail. That's the real issue, right? So he goes to court and he goes in there and you H&I guys, whatever the hell you're doing up in there on those people, you get them all pumped full of the spirit and you kick him loose. And he starts out as a reformer. A reformer! Now the big book says there's not supposed to be any reformers. He didn't read that part. Starts out as reformer and real quick, this is why I needed the book. Do you know, I don't know if you're aware, do you know Alcoholics Anonymous is a scam? Are you aware? I don't know if you're aware of that. It's a scam. Just give me, talk amongst yourselves just for one second. Oh, Jesus. You gave me a book that has double pages. This is going to be really difficult. Does anybody have a regular book? Well, he's got notes on one side. Do you know what I mean? Hang on. I got it, I got it. Oh, this is killing me. I got it. This is just weird because I know if I flip here, it's this side. But it's not this side. See? That side's blank. Do you know what I mean? And I'm a shitty page number guy. All right. I know it's a workbook. Yes. Hey, I think they need some help with a video projector back there. All right. I just, oh, okay, okay. Okay. Okay, okay I'm getting close. Take it easy. I got it. Don't, it's not, we're in Reading. It's not like we have anywhere else to go right now. Come on, come on. We're just having fun. Come one. Okay! Okay, I got. So here we go. Alright, hang on. Hang on. Okay Alcoholics Anonymous is a scam. It's a scam! A lot of people forget that Bill was a salesman. He's a hustler, right? They're hustling. They wanted to sell this book. Are you aware they wanted to get it into businesses and sell it and make money? That was the deal. Let's make money! And they failed. And they'd get us. So anyway... But it's a scamp. It's an idea. It's not a scam, it's just a scam So I'm looking for the scam because I'm always looking for The Scam. What are you up to? What are doing right? and they give me this book and I start studying it, right? And then I go, oh my God. Oh my God, I found the scam. I found it. It took some time but I found that They're salesmen. You ever watch late night TV when they're pushing stuff? You know what I mean? They're pushing sex pills or whatever it is. Whatever they're doing, you know. And then they give this pretty picture about how great it is and then all of a sudden the little scary words come in the back. You know What I mean. Hey, if you got erection over six hours you call somebody. You know, whatever it was. Frightening, right. But it's pitch and warning, pitch and warning, right? So I'm going through the big book and I go, oh my god Oh my god, I found the pitch. I found it. So here's the pitch Life will take on new meaning To watch people recover, to see them help others To watch loneliness vanish To see a fellowship grow up about you To have a host of friends This is an experience you must not miss we know you will not want to miss it frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives right yes so there's the pitch so i found the pitch i found the pitch where's the small print oh my god i find a small print it may mean the loss of midnight sleep great interference with your pleasures interruptions to your business it may means sharing your money in your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, innumerable trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails, and asylums. Your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your house or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he is violent. Sometimes you'll have to call a doctor and administer sedatives under his direction. Another time you may have send for an ambulance or the police. Anyway, so there it is. All right, so the next time your sponsor goes, read the book, go, yeah, give it to me, bro. Give me that book. Anyway, so, all right, and thank you very much. Anyway. All right. Sorry. All Right. Let me just remember where I am. All Anyway, so that's my buddy comes. He's going to save people, right? He's got to save the neighborhood. He's all ready to go. Brand new, ready to Go. Where's his first stop? My mother's house. Stop number one. And I get this. Hey, hey, hey. hey. Oh, what's up, bro? He goes, you got a problem, man. I go, what? He goes, You're an alcoholic. No. Live with my mom. Let me tell you what was going on at mommy's house at the time. I had warrants out for my arrest. So what? I always have warrants out for my arrest. That's how you pay tickets. I got people trying to kill me, real and imagined. Overlapping girlfriends since I was in third grade. One of them gets pregnant. I say, move in. Let's have a baby. Move into my mom's house with me. Let's roll. 24, 5, 6 years old with the mental capabilities of a 12-year-old and I'm going to be a dad. So I move her in. This guy says, you're an alcoholic. I move him away from the front door. I don't want my mother hearing that kind of talk up there on the porch. And you know what? Real quick. about the jails, about the arrests, all that crap. You know what doesn't have anything to do with me being an alcoholic? You wear that? Not a thing to do with it. Do you know, we could do a little experiment tonight if you wanted to. We could get some buses maybe and we could catch a normie downtown and get a fifth of booze and pour it down his throat and take his car keys and then we could sit and watch what happens. Now guaranteed, the clothes are going to get tight because it starts getting tight. You know what I mean? You get a couple cocktails and you got to loosen stuff up a little bit. And he's got to walk. He's probably going to urinate himself. So the pants are going to come off. I don't know if you've walked in wet pants, but you're a little chafed up front. And he's going to head home because we got his keys. And on the way home, he's going to realize that he'd forgotten something at the market. So he's going to swing in and pick up a few items. And he's going to get arrested. Because even in Reading, you can't shop without your pants on. Now under britches, yes. Anyway, so he's going to be arrested. But it doesn't make him an alcoholic. It just means he drank too much. Doesn't have a damn thing to do with it. And I hear people in here trying to tell these horror stories about all their arrests, like somehow that qualifies them as being an alcoholic. That they lost this job and did this and did this, and that somehow makes them an alcoholic? It's craziness. Craziness. Have you ever been to a meeting where they go around the room and they introduce themselves before the meeting starts? I'm Jim alcoholic. I'm Bud alcoholic. And the guy's there on a court card. I am Jim Alcock, I'm Bud Alcock. I'm June Alcock I'm Frank. I'm here on a court card. Woo! The whole room goes crazy. Just starts shaking like a bunch of monkeys let out of the cage. We got one. We got One. We got On. Yeah. Yeah, just going nuts, right? The poor guy's sitting there he doesn't know what the hell's happening. And all of a sudden the meeting starts and the whole meeting is dedicated to Frank and his denial. I remember when I, too, came in on a court card. Frank. Really? Unbelievable! The guy was shooting golf. He shot a bad round. Had a couple of cocktails. The clubhouse pulled out and got busted. Little 502 or whatever they're calling it. He got sent to us. Does not make him an alcoholic. And the next day when he's in that meeting and the meeting goes around and everybody says their name. I'm Bud alcoholic, I'm June alcoholic, I'm Bill alcoholic, I'm Frank, I'm also an alcoholic. Now does he think he's any more of an alcoholic than he was before? No. He just wants you to leave him alone. Sign my court card and leave me alone. Do you know on page 44 chapter 4 line 4 of the big book says what is and isn't an alcoholic they basically say if you quit drinking can you quit entirely? Why couldn't you stay quit? Doesn't say anything about job, house, business, bank, going to jail. Says if you quit, why couldn't you stay quit? And ask yourself, if you're sitting in here on a court card, have you ever quit before? Why'd you pick it back up? You ever tell somebody you wouldn't do it? Ever wake up one morning feeling sick and saying I'm done? Why'dyou do it again? Why'dyoudo itagain? Why couldn'tyoustayquit? It's about not being able to stay quit. anyway so this guy takes me out front and he says come to a meeting with me we're back in my mom's house just got an ADD swing when I do alright anyway so somebody asked me one time they go how can they pay attention to you like that I go because they're all like that anyway so it's totally normal for these folks anyway and Normie listens to me and they just go like this is he saying anything So I'm back out front, and this guy says, go to a meeting with me. I'm like, no, no. I'm not going to go. He goes, go do a meeting. Go to a meet-in with me? I'm, like, dude, you go, man. What kind of meeting? He goes 12-step meeting. Come on down. I go, no! He goes go to meeting. I go no. Go to meeting? No. Go to meet? No! Go to the meeting? No. Go to meetings? No. Go to Meetings? No. Go to Meeting? Okay. I'll go. Now, I just said it to get him off my back. Because I'm an alcoholic. I'll say anything to get you to leave me alone, including I'm Jack Grisham and I'm an alcoholic, I'll just say it. Just get you a stop. You know, it's funny sometimes when I see these new people, you know, one of the problems I've got with Alcoholics Anonymous, I've got a whole bunch of problems with Alcoholic Anonymous. It's OK. It's totally OK. It'sOK to have problems with AlcoholicsAnonymous. Don't, you're not, you will not be struck drunk because you disagree. I don't sell fear. bill had problems with us too what do you think those traditions are all about man god damn it i mean could you imagine creating something this bitching and then knowing you're gonna die it's like oh they're gonna tank it they're going to tank it you know it's like shit he probably lived a couple 10 years just to stop us from screwing this up man anyway But anyway. Sorry. All right. So I'll say anything. I'll tell this guy, I'll go to the meeting. Yeah, I'm going to meet him. Do I really believe it? No, I don't really believe it. And I see these new people on back to this. This is one of my problems. The problem I have with AAs, not with the staffs, not with the traditions, not our book. God, what beautiful literature. It's so beautiful. We really appreciate that. But the problem I have is with us, with us. We're so quick to get the new man or the new woman to say they're an alcoholic and these people don't even know what they're claiming. And we push them into it. Say you're an alcoholic. Say you'RE an alcoholic. Don't say addict, God damn it. Say youRE an alcoholic, say youREanalcoholic. And we pushed them into IT. And they don't EVEN know what THEY'RE saying. Now if you look at the big book and the philosophy involved in the bigbook it's not just words. There is a basic philosophy tied up in that book. If you look at it, they talk about alcoholism as being a fatal illness. Fatal. Fatal means it's going to kill you. Stop worrying about the mole on your back. It's the booze. And this is where it gets really scary. and not only is it a fatal illness it's a fatal illness that only a spiritual experience can arrest do you know how frightening that is could you imagine going to the doctor and giving your test right, you give your test, did it again oh my god, when I first came in until this I go, giving your tests, and now that I'm over 50 it's like, giving you tests, anyway so alright, whatever, anyway All right, so, you know, all right, so, never mind. All right. So could you imagine? All right? So think about this. Just think if you're new. Think. Go with me. Just roll with me on this one, right? So you're brand new. You go into the doctor. You give your test. You come back three days later and you go, hey, hey. How's it going, man? And he goes, no. What do you mean no? Fatal. What? Fatal? You're done. Huh? Yeah, fatal. You don't even need to pay your bill. That basket that we have out front, you don't need to put a dollar in it. You're gone. Fatal. And though not a religious man, I favor prayer in cases such as yours. Do you know there's a story in our book that says that? And it's in the front. I'm not talking about some hidden dusty story in the back. It's inthe front and the doctor says whoa, I don't even like treating people like you and Though not a religious man. I favor prayer That's frightening If you're brand-new rolling up in here Saying you're an alcoholic What you're basically saying is, I've got a gun against my head. Trigger's cocked. Bullet's in the chamber. The gun's going to fire. And the only person that can stop this gun from firing is a spiritual experience. And I haven't had one. Terrifying. Terrifying! And what's even crazier about that is these same people that stand up and say, I've got a fatal illness, I'm dying I'm hopeless, I're done don't do a damn thing about it don't get a sponsor, don't go to a meeting don't take a commitment, don's get involved and yet they sit there and say they've got a fatal illnes and Alcoholics Anonymous might have the solution for that and you're not making a move do you know that when your man or woman accepts that and really realizes that they're done and this might be the way out Do you know that you never have to tell them to go to a meeting again? Never have to Tell them to work a step Never haveと tell them To do any of that stuff Ever again Those are the people I deal with I deal With people That realize They're done I don't got To do anything A damn thing But walk Shoulder to shoulder With those people Anyway I roll down To this meeting And my mother Gives me some money For the meeting She found out I was going Right Are you going to that A&A, sweetheart? Yes, I am. Do you want a couple dollars for coffee? I go, I need 40. They got dues down there, mother. Hey, come on, and who am I to stop her from being useful? All right, so look, and this, I know it's my drink, it's got gum in the bottom of it. Sad thing is, I would have drank it anyway. So my mother gives me some money for the meeting, and here's how I rolled in. Here's how we rolled in down there, right? And Dickie and I were talking about this earlier. I walk in this meeting. My mother gives us some money. I show up down here at the meeting. It's kind of a sketchy meeting by my house. It's like you push your shopping cart up out front and go inside one of those meetings. And here's what I was wearing. I was wearin' a pair of ragged shorts. It's night. Ragged shorts dang hangin' down to my knees. I got a Dickies work shirt like a work shirt with cigarette burn holes all over the top on the chest because I'd be smoking hammered and then I got to say something to you so I put my smoke down for a minute and then somebody would come up and go dude you're on fire man no no you're one fire asshole just so they're just cigarette burns all over my shirt right my hair at the time was down to my elbows knots all in it little do I know there's a jolly rancher in the back of it I guess I'd fallen asleep and the rancher just came out of my mouth and slid around and then you know I'd just get up in the morning just like, I'm good to go, baby. Anyway, so that's how I roll into this meeting, although I had some very nice shoes on. My buddy invited me to his wedding. I kept the shoes. So I had these shiny black patent leather shoes on, right? And I roll in to that meeting, right, and I remember walking in there, and, you know, I walk in this meeting and that's what I look like. Money from mommy. I walk it and hey, what's up, loser? Yeah, I know that dude from school. Yeah, yeah, I'm not like you and let me tell you why I'm not like you because I'm a smooth drunk. I'm a Cary Grant drunk. I get a couple of cocktails in me and the first thing happens is my cheeks get nummy on the top right here on the cheeks and they get numby and I start smiling a little bit. A couple more drinks, I start smiling even more. A couple more drinks and all of a sudden I want to wrestle you. And sadly, do you know what I heard in that room? I heard pride. Pride. Do you know that Alcoholics Anonymous is the only place besides prison that people try to be the worst? You get men and women in here wearing the word homeless like a badge. I was homeless you get men and women in here wearing the word convict like a badge i've been arrested 187 times dog well go for 188 and it's crazy and it is dangerous and it kills us and real quick for the people that are arrested all those times we need you in here we need wherever you are i'm not looking at you directly we we need you. We need you in here, but not why you think we need you. Not why you think we needs you. We need to sober so when the next dude or girl comes walking through the door walk with that pride peacocking their way in here saying I've been arrested 187 times. You walk up and say me too. And you share your story. story. Do you know who else we need in here? We need the person that hasn't been arrested one time, not one arrest. So when that person walks through the door and says, but I've never been arrested, you walk up and go, neither have I. And you share your story. One way is useful to God in our fellows. The other way is nothing but pride. Nothing but pride, and what I have found out the longer I have stayed sober is the guys that can only talk that crap, it's because they haven't worked any steps, and that's all they can talk. They can talk about kicking ass, and Bill Wilson in a great letter said we're great at talking about what ass kickers we are, but we are not as great at talking about the damage we have done to those who love us. Not so quick to talk about that. Somehow it just doesn't seem so tough to tell my friends I'm stealing money out of my mom's purse when she can't afford to feed us. It's not so tough. Walk in a room and brag that I'm not paying my child support. Not So Tough. But I can walk in and tell you what an ass kicker I am and do that real easy, real easy. Anyway, I go to that meeting. I know I'm going a little long and I go into the room and I listen to this crap and I say, I'm not like you. I'm non-alcoholic. I'm one of you guys. But I'll quit. I might have been drinking a bit too much. I'll stop. So I said, I'll start and I'm gonna stop on my own. And I stopped a whole bunch of times on my home. I was always stopping. Stop and start and stop and start and stop and start. October of 1988, I got 30 days. 30 solid days. No meetings, no God, no nothing. 30 solid day. And on my 30th day, I get a job as a bartender. Now if I've worked a solid first step, getting a job is a bartenders, no big deal. I'm going where I want. I haven't worked any first step. I don't think I got a problem. I got it lit. I've got 30 days. And on my way to work, my first day, I decide to swing by a friend's house and pick up some mushrooms for another friend. I was being of service. My buddy says, Jack, how's it going? Say, it's going good, Lester. I go, it'S going good. Everything's good, man. Mom's good. Underage girl's good . . . I didn't mention I married one. She's good! Baby's good ! . . They moved out. They're in Reading, wherever's going on. Everything's good. I'm solid. I got 30 days on my way to work. Is that your bong? Bam! Cunning, baffling, and powerful alcohol disguised itself as a skunk bud and hidden this dude's bong. Anyway, so I love that because the old timers go, is he talking about drugs? No, sir, I am not. Anyway. So so i reach out and i take a bong hit and i come to with the bong in my mouth and i think oh my god i just took a bongo hit here i'm telling this guy i'm sober i'm sober i've stoned bam not fast do you know that the big book talks about that it doesn't say the word bong you will not you will not find the word bung in the bigbook uh maybe like edition eight or something I hope I'm alive when that happens. But what it does say that's even more frightening is strange mental blank spots while sober. Oh, my God. Do you know how terrifying that is? If you've got an illness that your very life depends on you not sticking anything in you and you've Got a mind that says nobody's home, nobody's here. we're not even talking about a weak defense we're talking no defense you didn't even know what was going on do you know no is a defense it's a weak defence Jack do you want a drink nah alright give it to me at least I knew something was happening when I'm watching the game and all of a sudden I reach out and grab a cocktail and just take a drink without thinking about it that's no defense because I didn't ever realize what my hand's doing my mind's doing something else my hand is doing something next thing I know I've got something in my mouth that's going to kill me. And I'm rolling again. And I hear these guys, they want to tell me it's so funny. You work with these new people and they want to take how crazy they are like they're trying to pass a test to get an AA. It's like dude, you're asking me for help man. I know you're messed up. I get it. You're an AA meeting champ. I got it. But they want to tell me these crazy stories about how insane they are. How insane. Jack, I was so insane. I was creeping and peeping and sneaking down alleys with my pants down. I hadn't slept in seven months. It's like, man, you're not insane. You're on drugs. God rest, give Mother Teresa speed for two weeks. She'd start building bikes. It's got nothing. It has got nothing to do with it. You're On Drugs, champ. That's not insanity. You don't even find out you're insane until you're sober. Maybe one time you'll get a chance to work a real 12-step call. And I'm not talking about just dump some guy at detox and high-five your buddy and drive off. I'm talking about a real one. We got a guy at home, and you're feeding him orange juice and chocolate and keeping the sugar up so he doesn't go on the shakes. Maybe you've got to give him some booze, you know? Maybe you got to get him some boos to bring him down, and then you're sitting with him. Sometimes you've gotta fight him like we read. Sometimes you gotta do this stuff. Sometimes you've got to take these drunks to emergency because they've injured themselves. And when they show up at emergency tanked, the doctor doesn't come out and look at them and go, oh yeah, it looks histrionic, bipolar, looks like he might be a little narcissistic. No, man! They say strap that drunk's ass to a gurney and when he sobers up, we'll diagnose. When he sobres up, we'll diagnosis. He can't diagnose you when you're hammered and when you are on drugs and you are hammered. It's not until you are sober Then you find out if you're insane. And if you are struggling with the word insanity, switch it with delusional. I'm not fat. These pants are tight. Let's just take a look at why my suit doesn't match. Anyway, so why are you wearing a different pair of pants? Because these are bigger. Anyway, all right, so delusional. And that even goes back to what we started this meeting with. You make your guy work a first step. You make him see the truth. Really? How do you do it? How do YOU do it?? The book talks about it. To get somebody to see it. To see the Truth. To get them to wake up. To look at it. To see it and how hard that is. I've sat with guys and said, bro, you are in a cage with a hungry tiger. Yes, I am. No! In a cage with a hungry tiger with my teeth locked in the cage! Hungry tiger! It's an extremely hungry tiger, Jack. Oh, you're going to die with it! Yeah! Yeah! Yes, I get the cage. Yes, they can't see it! You get one person writes down a list of stuff they've done behind their alcoholism, they go, oh my God, I got a problem. You get somebody else write the same list and they look at it and go, those cops are pricks. Try to get them to see it. Anyway, I take that bong hit and I say, you know what? I just took a bong head. I'm not going back to AM one bonghead. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I surrender. I'll be GSR. Yeah, right. Not going to happen. For me, for me. I'm not good in politics. All right, anyway, so I think to myself, I got 30 days and anybody with 30 days does not have a problem. Does not have a problem and I'm starting to get a little dry from the weed. So I need a little, take a little drinking poo to wash it down. Well now I'm drinking and smoking weed. So these mushrooms are surely not going to get delivered. It was a frightening evening. And real quick, do you know why most of us die after we get sober? Because the obsession kicks in and the body no longer has the tolerance that it used to. That's why they die. Because when we're drinking, we're pounding so much our bodies get used to it. And then we get sobre and our bodies aren't used to but the obsession is still there. and we keep firing, firing, firing, fireing, firing like we've been doing it all the time. The body just can't take it and they die. That's why you see a lot of these guys that get sober and then they die They say oh he was doing better when he was drinking Yeah Yeah Anyway I end up drunk blah blah blah I go to work I get fired of course and uh I'm not going to get into that Anyway I get hired and a guy sees me one of you guys sees me staggering around the street I'm five grams into a very frightening evening by this time And yeah, I just keep eating them like candy. All right, so anyway, so this guy sees me and he says, Jack, can I help you? I'm like, yeah, take me to my mom's house. I'm losing it, man. So he drops me off at home. And when this guy drops me out of at home, he says we'll talk tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Tomorrow, I got it bro. I got now I know what we'll Talk Tomorrow means. We'll Talk tomorrow is code word for lecture. It means you're too hammered to talk to right now. You ever see a couple of drunks arguing? You know what I mean? It's like, no, man. You got to wait till they're sober. You're toohammered to talkedo now. I'll come back tomorrow when you're sober and I'll yell at you then. Right? So I know it. Okay. So the next day me and this guy are talking and we're talking nice, nice. Nice, nice, and he doesn't say anything about me being loaded. I go, dude, man, I go that was pretty hammered last night, huh? He goes, yep. i go hey i go last night huh brah he goes yep what i was waiting for is jack you're a loser jack youre a scumbag jack you are an animal jack you re trash i ve heard it my whole life loser scumbags animal trash. And I'm waiting to hear it from this guy, because he's a we don't drink and we definitely don't do any mushrooms up in here either AA guy who has seen me coming in, out, in, Out, in out, coming in late, getting a date, leaving early, disrespecting his steps, disrespect in his traditions, taking a dump on the whole program. I'm waiting to get yelled at and it ain't coming. I go, dude, man, I blew 30 days. He goes, yeah, Jack, I know. He goes, you know what? You're probably an alcoholic. He goes, and if you're an alcoholic, you can't stop drinking. If you do stop, you can't stay stopped, not for any length of time. That was the first time I ever heard that. I wish that guy is still here, but he is not. Ten days later, on November 13th of 1988, that guy left these rooms, listening to those pride stories some of you tell, went out and tried a drug he had never tried before and he died that night in the car. That man's name was Don Langston. When I turned 15, I laid my chip on his grave and looked at the headstone and never realized it before but he was only 21 years old. The underage woman I married died. Died from this illness about a year or two ago. My nephew just died. Most of my friends are dead from this. I'm going to end with this. We talk about this God thing. This God thing in here. We got to hook up with this God things and we got to do this. We gotto do this You need a God. You needa God. You needagod. you go into the spiritual experience in the big book and they say hey take it easy champ take it easily we know you need a god but don't expect it to come into a flash not a flash for most of us it's something you're going to work into the mind's going to change you're going to hear something here the mind is going to change a little bit and that changed mind is going to go somewhere else it's going to hear someone it's gonna change a little bit now all of a sudden you start walking through this pathway and you start learning God God God god god all of a sudden our minds change our minds change we start learning that god and one i think is the most interesting line in the big book and it's in the chapter to the agnostics poorly written argument anyway but uh but it's in that chapter and what bill says is that these people they haven't tapped and this is not in that chapter but they talk about these people tapping this power and they say it's not an outer power said these people tapped an inner resource, not an outer resource. And in the chapter to the agnostics, Bill says that God's inside. It's inside us. And it goes back, Christ said the same thing. God's inside. Luke 11, 17, he said the kingdom's within, but you can't see it because you're prideful and you're greedy and you're selfish. You can't say it. You've got all this stuff blocking it. Bill says the same thing. God's inside. And then the line that's my favorite line in there is he says, do the work and the consciousness of your belief is sure to come. Not your belief, the awareness that you already believe. You just don't know it yet. We learn God in Alcoholics Anonymous. I owe you guys. I owe ya for everything. After this, Dickie and I hang out a little bit, visit with friends, have a cup of coffee I'm going to go up and put my arms around my little girl give her a big hug, maybe kick her ass beat her with a pillow for a little bit just whatever she needs I mean she's 25 years old she does need a little beating every once in a while and I'm gonna go have some fun and I'll live my life that you guys have given me and let me tell you something I have not wasted one minute not one minute of this life I'm burning this life I love Alcoholics Anonymous I love being involved there's plenty of other pathways But if this is your pathway, be stoked. Because this is probably the most beautiful pathway you'll ever find. And I want to thank you guys for having me.