Step 3 and the Agnostic Dropping to His Knees – Jack G.

Hi, I'm Jack Grisham and I'm an alcoholic. Sorry, I had gum. I put it in my drink, I won't forget it's in there. Thank you for having me. I really appreciate this. It really is an honor to be here and it's nice to see people that I care about and that I admire here and I'm a little bit out of it. I just woke up, I've been traveling for the last month or so, different city every day all through Europe for the last month and I just got home and I fell asleep for an hour before this meeting and my wife woke me up and I didn't know what was going on. I'm going, why is he speaking English? Why is he speaking English on the TV? I didn't know what was happening. It took like 15 minutes to realize, hey, you're not... You're not in a weird... Well, I am in a weird hotel room somewhere, but I'm at least in one where most people speak... Half of them speak English over there. Anyway, whatever's happening. And it's also strange to be standing here in front of you guys because I stopped doing this. I stopped giving talks for a while because I think maybe for the first time in 27 years that I was really humbled. I was really humbled by what happens here and that I'm okay just picking up cigarette butts and straightening chairs and just making coffee. And for me, that's something that I want to do. It's like sometimes talking about my sobriety and talking about what's happening in a way is taking credit for something of which I cannot take credit for and in any way. Not, yeah, I've done the work and yeah, I've shown up. I've done the work. You know what I mean? How many of my friends haven't woken up? How is that? How does somebody wake up? Why did one day I wake up and really realize that I had a problem? You know, how did that even happen? And it wasn't me doing it. It wasn't saying, okay, champ, today you're waking up and getting on this. You know, no. You know, I was terrified. And I'll get to that. I was terrified when I really woke up and saw what was going on, you know. And I remember when I turned 21. I had a guy. You know, come up to me. He goes, whoa. And he's all stoked. And he's clapping me out, you know. And I looked at him. I said, dude, I broke. What are you talking about? There was no, there isn't pride in turning 21. I had nowhere else to go. I was saved, you know. You don't understand. You don't take pride in being saved. And I was thinking back a while. And in L.A., we have a swift water rescue, if you can imagine. You know, it's like they have swift. They have swift water rescue teams in Los Angeles. Like, why? You know, the only river there is a foot deep. But, you know, you don't want to get near it. But in the winter, that foot deep river swells to 20, 30 feet deep. And it's unbelievable. And so probably about 15 years ago, a boy fell into the river. And it was, they showed it. He was about 14 or 15 years old. And he was in the river. And they were filming him. And they were trying to catch him on bridge after bridge after bridge. And they couldn't catch him. So you're live watching this boy going down the river. And they got the teams coming out trying to get him. And they can't get him. And he ends up, they followed him all the way until he was swept down a hole. And that was it. He died. And a couple of weeks later, a man fell into the same river. And, you know, whether or not he knew where he was or what was happening, I knew where he was. And I knew what was happening. And I was. I was watching this guy go down this river. And he was terrified. And when you get in that water, the water is so cold you can't grab. There's nothing to grab. You can't hold on to a rope. And they're throwing him ropes. And he can't get it. And they're trying to get him. And he's heading towards the same hole that this little boy just died going down. And he's heading towards that hole. And they almost get him. And they lose him. And they almost get him. And they lose him. Finally, they get him over a bridge. And the news cameras are on him. And his clothes are wet and hanging off him. And he starts to go up. He's hanging on the rope. He's hanging on the rope. And they're pulling him up. And his pants come off. Right? And there's nothing on underneath. You know what I mean? His pants are off. And that water is cold. And he's going up. And let me tell you something. Not one of his hands dropped in modesty to cover himself. You know what I'm saying? He swung around and did a full frontal in front of the camera. I guess maybe a full frontal is not a term you're used to. But anyway, he did a full frontal in front of the camera. And he didn't reach down to cover up. He didn't care. You know, he's just hanging onto that rope and hanging onto that rope and hanging onto it. And they pulled him up. And they finally pulled him up. And they pulled him up over the rail. And when he got over the rail, he didn't go, let me tell you how I did it. He got over the rail. And I saw him crying, saying, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And I think maybe sometimes it took me 27 years to just really look at you guys and say, thank you. You know, instead of let me tell you how I did it. So, you know, on this trip I was just on, it was 30 days of no meetings. No meetings. I can't get to meetings. You know, I'm in a car with guys that, you know, may be sober but don't work a program. And there is a big difference. You know what I'm saying? There's a really big difference. I don't celebrate my sobriety by downing a non-alcoholic beverage and saying, look at me, I'm cured. I don't understand that. You know, I wanted to lean over and say, hey. Why don't you smoke a C joint and shoot up some water while you're at it. But I didn't. I didn't. And that's an outside issue and God bless them. But anyway. But, you know, so I'm with these guys and I can't get to a meeting. And I'm nine hours, ten hours ahead. I don't got a sponsor to call. I can't sit there and call my sponsor. I got no cell phone. I got nothing. I got no meetings. Got no cell phone. Traveling with guys that aren't us. And it is just me by myself. And I'll tell you, thank God for that. Thank God for that. And thank God for the last 27 years of my sobriety. There has been many times when it has just been me by myself. No sponsor. No meetings. Nobody to run to. No way out. No comfort. Forced to sit there by myself and say, you better know how to deal with this thing. You better know how to work this thing right here alone. And where is your dependence lie? Does your dependence lie on the meetings? Does your dependence lie on your sponsor? Where does your dependence lie? And I'm so thankful to be forced into a situation where my dependence lied on basically whatever God I have at the time. And it's interesting now because I'm, I'm. I'm basically an agnostic, which is, uh, I haven't discovered God more since I've been here. You know what I'm saying? It's like, hey, you start looking. There's not a lot of answers. You just get more questions. You know what I mean? More and more and more. The more you look, the more you dig. You know, I tell guys sometimes don't read. Stop. Don't read. Reading is frightening. You know, because the more you read, the more you search. You know, don't get into the big book. Don't study the big book. God, the more you start studying the big book, it gets really frightening. You know, when you start hunting and looking and anyway. So, you know, what I do got on my knees and prayed to something that I don't even know if I believe in, you know, to get to get down there and just take a moment to walk out by myself and just hit my knees and say, I don't know you and I don't know what this is and I don't know what's going on. You know, and to just say, I'm here, I'm just checking in. Whatever you are. Whatever. Whatever I am, I'm just checking in. And sometimes I think, you know, even just the act of me dropping to my knees is a willingness to say, hey, there's somebody here besides you. There's somebody here besides you. You know, to bring me out of self. Anyway, when I got to the program, I was living at my mother's house. And if it was up to my mother, I would still be living at my mother's house right now. The Al-Anon people never got a hand on my mom, man. Not one. The blood of the lamb was spray painted on our front door and the Al-Anons just drifted right on by. They never got up in there, man. You know, and I had the kind of mother that, it's like, and every good criminal's got that mom. You know what I mean? That mom. I always love running into these tough guys that get out of prison that aren't in like a recovery house or whatever, you know. They're always posing, you know, they're sitting all hard, you know. It's like, hey, all right, gangster. Where you living, bud? Oh, I'm over with my auntie on Lyme. You know, it's always auntie or, oh, I'm at grandma's, you know, somewhere. So I'm at mom's. That's where I am. And, you know, I had the kind of mom where, you know, if I'd go to jail, I'd get out and she'd say, they're always picking on you, sweetheart. You know. The neighbors, you know, I'd be in the neighbor's yard, passed out with my pants down normally because pants always got off somehow. It was. Because it's tight. You know what I mean? Like, I don't care how, you could be wearing a caftan. And after a couple of cocktails, the garment's tight. You know what I mean? It's like it's tight. I started loosening things up in there, you know. And I'd be over in the neighbor's yard, passed out with my pants down. And, you know, if they came over to complain, my mother would say, leave him alone. He's an artist. You know, just. And it's so. And I'll tell you a quick story. My mother hasn't changed. And I'll tell you right now, if you're brand new in here and you think your family's going to change, yeah, great. Good for you, bud. You know, hold on to that hope for as long as you. And I'm not saying they don't change. Because we do. We can change people through our change. By our change, we can change people. But don't count on changing people. Because my mother has not changed. I remember. My. My little daughter got in trouble. She. She came up to me one day and she goes, pops, I got to. I got to talk to you about something. I go, what's going on, sweetheart? And at the time, she's like 12 little blonde haired, freckle faced little. Just got her braces off. Little volleyball player, a Barbie looking thing. Right. And she comes up to you. She goes, pops, I got to. I got to talk to you about something. I go, what's going on, sweetheart? She goes, I did something I don't feel good about. And what'd you do? She goes, I toilet paper the house. I go. Oh, you know. Why are you telling me? What? You know. I go. And she goes, oh, good. I knew you'd understand. Thanks, dad. So she starts to walk away. And she goes, I go, I go, oh, oh, oh, wait a minute, man. I go, why'd you do it? She goes, oh, the lady was against solar power. So we did her house. I go, oh, killer. Right on. Little crusader. Get it, babe. You know, it's like I'm stoked, right? So so I get a call from her mother two or three days later. And she says, you got to go to parenting. Class I go, what? She goes, you got to go to parenting class. I'm thinking for what? Why do I got to go? She goes, oh, that deal with Georgia. She's on probation now. I go, probation for what? For toilet papering? And I'm livid. I'm hostile right now. So I got to go to parenting class. And I'm angry about it. And I've got rights now. You know what I'm saying? It's like, you know, and I love the brand new guys. You watch when new guys and they've been a lot of trouble when they first. Get sober, they go to means and they'll go, I got a ticket. I got a ticket. And they're so happy they got a ticket because normally when they get pulled over, they don't get a ticket. They go to jail. Right. You know, so then they go, I've got a ticket. And I always tell them, hey, wait, man, stay sober. About ten or 15 years. You can stand on the side of the road and argue with them anyway. So so I roll in hot because I got to go to parenting class with baby girl. And and I'm mad, you know, and I'm in there with murderers, you know, whatever. And I got a little blonde surfer girl with me. You know, it's like, come on, I belong in here, not her, you know. And so I go, I want to talk to the detective in charge. I need to speak to the man in charge. So they set up the meeting with a man in charge. And I sit down hot with my daughter. I go, what are you doing, man? What's the matter with you? Yeah, people shooting each other on the street, dead in the street outside here. And we live in Huntington Beach. There's not a lot of that going on. And I go, you know, blah, blah, blah. What are you doing? Hustling baby girl in here for this. He's ridiculous. And the guy looks at me, says, what do you know about the case? I go, huh? He goes, that's what I thought. And he's got a folder, like a little 8 by 10 plastic folder. And he pushes it towards me. And he opens it up. And right on page one of that folder is a 8 by 10 picture of the side of this woman's house. And on the side of that woman's house is a large, poorly drawn penis. In black, thick magic marker. Underneath with the word suck my name of the penis that isn't a five letter word. Anyway, right there. And I look at my kid. And she goes like this and puts her hand up like that. And the only reason she didn't get a smack on her rump is it was because it was a poorly drawn penis. I could tell she'd never actually seen one. You know what I'm saying? It looked like a. It looked like a. It looked like a. It looked like a beach ball with a triangle on the top of it or something. You know. But so, so the whole point of this stupid story is, a week later we're having lunch with my mom. And my mom looks at me and she says, so I heard you had some trouble down there. What happened? I'll tell you what happened. Or would you like to tell her what happened? I go, she toilet papered a house. Vandalized it. My mom goes. So? I go, mom, she drew a dick on the side of the house, mom. And my mom looks at me with a straight face and says, well, how close was it to Halloween? What? I look at my kid as we're leaving the restaurant. I go, she's trying to kill you. She's trying to kill you. She's trying. Anyway, my mother hasn't changed. And all right. What is this? This does have to do with all of this. Anyway. So and if you don't like what I'm saying, you can go, oh, he's tired. Anyway, all right. So, so I'm living with this woman. I'm living in my mother's house. Everything's being co-signed. Everything's being co-signed. And I'm hanging with a bunch of crazies that are just like me. You know what I'm saying? A bunch of crazies that are just like me. So how am I supposed to realize that my behavior's bad? I'm not hanging with good people. I'm hanging with like-minded people. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I think as alcoholics, we have like a gaydar, a built-in gaydar. Do you know what that is? OK, for the people that don't know, it's like if you're not straight, then you immediately know someone else who isn't straight. It really does work. I don't understand how it works. But anyway, so I'm always attracted to another alcoholic. You know what I mean? It's like gaydar. It's aldar or whatever it is. You know what I mean? I'm just, you know. You know, in a party of this many, I could just walk right to the alcoholic and go, hey, how you doing, buddy? You know, it's like bam, instant hookup. So I'm hanging out with guys that are just like me. I'm not hanging out with nice people. It's not like I'm at church hanging out and looking at the guy in the pew next to me and saying, hey, you want to get some cocaine and rob a liquor store after this? You know, it's like that's not happening. I'm hanging with scumbags. I'm hanging with guys just like me. There's no way I'm going to wake up. Sometimes I think it's a shock that any of us wake up. You know what I mean? It's like because most of us are hanging out with people that are like us. We're mirrored in the people around us. Sometimes I think it's almost like when we do wake up, it's like a bunch of pigs in a sty all sitting up in there. And all of a sudden, one of the pigs sticks his head up and goes, do you smell that? I'm like, no, no, I don't. Anyway, so I'm at my mother's. A buddy of mine, one of the fellow pigs, gets busted on a cocaine trafficking charge. And I think it's funny, right? And he gets busted on a cocaine trafficking charge and he goes to court. Now I believe most alcoholics are created in court. It's not the first drink. It's not the local bar. It's court. It is court because hundreds of thousands of us go into court every day non-alcoholic. And we get in front of the judge. The judge says, Mr. Smith, you're looking at a year's sentence. But if you're an alcoholic, you could do a 90-day treatment program. Whoa, I'm an alcoholic, your honor. All of a sudden, everybody is now, right? No, not so. If you're brand new in here, and I don't know if we have any new people, but if you're brand new in here, I'm your friend. And I'm going to help you right now. If you're brand new in here and you're coming in, and I get it, you're with a crowd of people doing steps and weird book stuff and all that. And you want to impress us. I get it. I get that kind of thing. So if you're brand new in here and you want to blow a little smoke up our asses, you want to say, hey, I'm stoked to do this work. I'm really looking forward to cleaning up my bad areas. It's like stop it right now because we know you're lying. We know you're not telling the truth. It's like my friend Frank Honeycutt used to say, if you're brand new and happy to be here, you are too sick to stay, young man. It's like... We know you're not happy about this. Yes, you may be happy to be out of jail and not laying on the street somewhere, but you're not stoked about this. And it's okay. You know what I mean? Don't come in and go, God, that recovery house is the best place ever. I love being in a room with 15 other guys. This is great. You know, it's like, hey, tell the truth. Tell us your sponsor's an ass. Tell us you don't like your commitment. Tell us you're mad. Tell us you... Good. Please. Please. Because guess what? Love and tolerance is our code. You can tell us whatever you want. We're good. We're good. You can come into the meeting, stand up, flip us all off, tell us to go to hell, and we'll just go, yeah, keep coming back. Yeah. Get it. Future secretary. Bring it. Yeah. Because we also know if you're like us, you've got nowhere else to go, buddy, and you will be back. So, anyway. So, if you're brand new, tell us the truth from day one. And the other thing I realized also is, something else I found out after being here. I was in the office for a while. Is do you know that no matter what you say in Alcoholics Anonymous, someone will disagree with you? No matter what you say. I don't care what you say. I mean, have you ever been to an AA business meeting? I mean, have you ever... You know. I mean, I've seen fistfights go down over what coffee pot's going to be used, you know? I said use a sunbeam, God damn it. You know, it's like, whoa, wait a minute. So, you know, say whatever you want. I mean, you can stand up here at the podium and say the ocean is wet. Somebody else will stand up and go, not along the edge, it's not. No, no, it's... What? Because I said that joke about more alcoholics being created in court. And it is a joke, but it's a funny joke because it's true, right? When I first made that up, I was having an ADD moment. It just kind of popped out. I didn't even know I was saying it. It was at a convention. All of a sudden, I'm saying this and afterwards, this dude comes up to me and he's huge and I'm huge, right? And he's huger than me. And I'm 6'4", 300, lying about the 300 right now and just, you know. And I used to say 280 lying about the 280, but now it's 300 lying about the 300. So I have moved 20 degrees more towards honesty, but... So this dude comes up to me, he's huge and he's like covered with bad tattoos. He goes, can I talk to you, man? I go, oh. I go, what's up, bud? And he looks at me, he goes, I did the year, dog. Oh, man. I go, what? He goes, I did the year, dog. I go, then you're a stupid alcoholic. God. If you don't got enough sense to cop a plea to stay out of jail, you better get up on in here and start working some steps, guy, because you're going to die out there with that weak game. Anyway, so... So that's what my buddy did. Now, whether he was an alcoholic or whether he was a drunk, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. So... So that's what my buddy did. Now, whether he was an alcoholic or whether he wasn't an alcoholic, who knows? He didn't want to go to jail. That's it. And do you know there's a lot of us who just don't want to go to jail. But guess what? Just because they don't want to go to jail, doesn't mean these steps are going to work for them, because there's a big difference. And a lot of people don't like me saying this. that's okay. That's just my opinion based on my experience and watching these guys. There's a whole bunch of us that just don't want to go to jail. They just don't want to lose our wives. They just don't want to suffer the pain of drinking. But it does not mean that they want what we have. It does not mean, there's a line in the big book later on where Bill says, if the desire, the desire to seek God must come from within. Bill doesn't say the desire to get sober. He says the desire to seek God. And you cannot want to go to jail and not want to lose your family and not want to sleep on the street and not want to seek God all at the same time. Anyway, so my buddy goes to jail and he goes and goes to treatment. And you H&I guys get up there and start healing on him or whatever the hell you're doing up on those people up in there pumping. And they pump this guy full of the spirit and he comes back to Long Beach where I'm living like a reformer. Reformer. You know what I'm saying? The big book says we're not supposed to start out as reformers. But that's what this guy did. He came back to Long Beach with this crazy walking hand in hand with Bill, Bob, and Jesus thing or whatever the hell's going on. And he's going to save the neighborhood. And where's his first stop? My mother's going to save the neighborhood. And he's going to save the neighborhood. And where's his first stop? My mother's house. Stop number one. And real quick, I just want to read something to you. I love and respect this book. I love and respect this book. But it's not a holy relic, it is just a book. And I know guys that can recite every line out of this book and they're not sober, okay? Your message of depth and weight just because you quoted a line out of the book is not a message of depth and weight. It just means you can quote lines out of a book. I need to help you guys. So I'm not finished yet. And with that, I want to welcome the audience to the room, I want to welcome our viewers to the room. And welcome to Long Beach. If you're watching this all day, sometimes I've seen more message of depth and weight with someone that has no idea what's even in this book reaching out to another guy that has no idea what's in this book and saying welcome can I get you a cup of coffee I don't know if you realize thanks sometimes to some of us I don't know if you realize how much depth and weight there is in a kindness in a simple kindness but I'll read this to you I studied this book I I have a book study at my house for the last 19 years on and off when I move you know 19 years it's loaded with long-timers sometimes I I wonder why there's not more newcomers there you know I look on the couch and it's just 40 years 44 years for you know all these long timers you know sitting around going through this book and we go through this book one line at a time you know sometimes we do a word last time it took us two and a half years to get through the book I had a new guy go how long is this commitment and I'm like I don't know how long it's been I don't know how long it's been it meant a long time bitch hey you're in this get a nice spot on the couch man you know it's like you're gonna need a couple of haircuts before you're out of here so but it's just a book and some of it Bill stole and some of it he took from other places and it wasn't here and some of it maybe isn't exactly true you know what I mean some of it sounds better written like this than written like that you know and it's okay because the the message is great the message in here is great but some of it's funny some of its funny and a lot of what's written in here also it's sales talk they wanted to sell this I don't want to burst anybody's boat do you know they want to sell this that was the plan like when they came up with this the first plan goes we can sell it you know it's like yeah I mean they're coming out of the depression there nobody's got any money they're like we've discovered the solution and they wanted to sell it and they tried to sell it nobody wanted it that's why we give it away but so sorry I can't tell you how many people have walked out on me so let me I just want to read this something to you real quick and okay so knowing that that this is sales talk like if you're ever read the chapter to the employers Hanks think it's say let's I know this I'm supposed to be talking about something else so I'm going to but I just wanted to read something to you that is funny that I thought was funny okay so I read this book for fun sometimes like just sit around with it on my lap in the house and and I read the book and one night I'm reading the book and okay the pages I'm trying to figure it out out of this book but it's okay we might have a like easy thing that I have my sister in class right here that the pessoa ohh girl she's pretty pretty and she's a celebrity so she like when I read the damn thing to her that it's like whatever she said literally whatever I said in her sentence it was a El celebra hit it like oh my god thank you so much that was wonderful totally funny that was beautiful congratulations yeah so that's all I want to read to you thank youенного facebook 없습니다 ok wait from here And this is even worse because you've marked it. Do you know the people that collect books, they don't want the books to get people sober. Are you aware of that? Because the books that get people sober are all torn up, marked up, and ruined. They want to collect the ones that nobody got sober in. Seriously. Nobody wants this book except for the person that saved their life. They want this book. But a book collector goes, ah, it's dusted. You know, because they actually used it. Okay. I'm sorry. I hope this is worth it. Because we just sat here this long and just go, oh, my God. Really? All that just for that? Please, sir. Go back to sleep. All right. Anyway. Now, ADD, swing with me. Back to where I was before. When they wrote this book, they wanted to sell it. So there is hustle up in this book. A lot of hustle. A lot of sales talk up inside this book. There's a lot of it in here, right? So I'm watching TV one night, and I got the book on my lap, and I'm just casually reading it, going through it. And a commercial for Viagra comes on the TV, right? Or whatever it is. What's the other one? God, that's so sad that so many of you know that. Anyway. Anyway. Anyway. All right. Hey, this is step one, so we can have some fun. All right. So anyway. So I'm watching it, and the commercial comes on, and it's like a moonlit night, and there's a man and a woman on there, and they're like smiling and winking, and it's nice. You know what I mean? And the guy's like touching his pant leg and nodding, and she's nodding back. And then a voice comes on, and the voice is real smooth, and it goes, tonight's the night. Baby. And when it goes down, you will be ready. It's that night, you know? And I'm laughing, watching it, because it's kind of funny, right? It's kind of like the pitch for, hey, we're going to get it on right here. You know what I mean? It's like, let's go, baby. So I just happen to look down at the big book. Call it God's Will or whatever you want. But I laugh, and I find, so they're giving the sales pitch for having sex. I found the sales pitch. I found the sales pitch for Alcoholics Anonymous. Here it is here. Imagine a moonlit night. Bill and Bob on Bill's Harley. Bob's in the sidecar. Bill's rubbing his pant leg. Bob's winking up at him. All of a sudden, a smooth voice comes in. Life will take on new meaning. To watch people recover. To see them help others. To watch loneliness vanish. To see a fellowship grow up about you. To have a host of friends. This is an experience you must not miss. We know you will not want to miss it. Frequent contact with newcomers and with each other is the bright spot of our lives. Right? See, it's going. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like, you can just see Bob going, yeah, get it, Bill. Get it! You know, it's like, there's stuff. Because Bob was a rascal. I hate to tell you that. Bob was a rascal. They even complain about him in the good old-timers. One of the guys goes, yeah, Bob used the language of the gutter. What does that mean? Bob's dropping F-bombs at the table? I don't understand what that means. Anyway, all right. So there's the sales pitch. And I'm laughing. I'm thinking, oh, my God, that's so funny. They got such balls to stick out in the book. That's funny, right? So then, but what happens at the end of the Viagra commercial? After the rubbing, tugging, smiling? And all that goes on. And the smooth voice floats off. And then a different voice comes in. And it says, hey, if that lasts longer than four hours, you need to call somebody. It's that voice, right? So guess what? I flip a few more pages. Knowing that these cats are sales hustlers. Knowing that, guess what I find? The fine print. Of Alcoholics Anonymous. If I may, in a different voice. It may mean sharing your money in your home, counseling frantic wives and relatives, and normal trips to police courts, sanitariums, hospitals, jails, and asylums. Your telephone may jangle at any time of the day or night. Your wife may sometimes say she is neglected. A drunk may smash the furniture in your home or burn a mattress. You may have to fight with him if he is violent. Sometimes you'll have to call a doctor to administer sedatives under his direction. Another time, you may have to send for the police or an ambulance. Enjoy your life. Yeah, I should have called the fireworks to see things. I'm serious. It's what I like best. Okay. Anyway, that's about it. I'm going to give you the end. Got anything else? Got it, then? collectors. Can I get the downer? Ah, the fine print! Get the fine print, much better! And I'll tell you, I've been on a ton of 12-step calls. Nobody's said that ever to anybody. You know what I mean? They always go, Oh, this is going to be sweet, buddy. This is going to be nice. Best time of your life coming up. Nobody goes, Hey, let me tell you what's really going to go down. But anyways, dochter, . But anyways, I'm out now. coming up. Nobody goes, hey, let me tell you what's really going to go down. I mean, when you get in the thick of it, stuff like that does go down. Every single thing in there that has happened has gone down. I have fought guys in my house. I have fought them in my car. All of that. All of that has gone down. Anyway, back to the deal. So remember, my buddy went to court, comes to save me, goes to my mother's house. Okay. Comes back to save the neighborhood, first stops at mom's house, I get this. I go, hey, hey. I go, what's up, man? He goes, you got a problem, dude. I go, what? And he goes, you got a problem. You're an alcoholic. I go, no, I'm not. I live with my mom. Well, let me tell you what was going on at mommy's house at the time. I had warrants out for my arrest. So what? I always have warrants out for my arrest. That's how you pay tickets. Do you know when I've graduated from AA, when I say that, no one laughs. You know what I'm saying? It is so sad that people laugh at that. You know if you're out there in a world of normies, like if I was giving a talk at my daughter's school and said that, they'd all just stare at me. Nobody thinks that's funny. They don't get it. Anyway, I always got warrants out for my arrest. I also have people trying to kill me, both real and imagined. Both types. I got a girl pregnant. I said, move in. Move into my mom's house with me. Let's have a baby. Move in. I move her in. Twenty-six years old, mental capabilities of a twelve-year-old. And I'm going to be a dad. At the same time I move her in, I fall in love with a girl of questionable age and I take her to Mexico and marry her. Yeah, that's where the laughter stops, right there. Except for you. Please stay, sir. Please. Double work the steps. Go 24. Subtitles by the Amara.org community Anyway, that's where the laughter stops. That's what's going on at my mom's house. And this guy's telling me I got a problem. And he says, come to a meeting with me. You're an alcoholic. Now I walk him away from the door. I don't want my mother to hear that kind of talk out on the yard. He says, come to a meeting with me. I go, a meeting of what? He goes, 12-step meeting. Come on down. No. You go, bud. I saw you. No. You go, bud. I saw you. No. You go, bud. I saw you. No. You go, bud. I saw you. But you get popped. He goes, come to a meeting. I go, no. He goes, come to a meeting. No. Come to a meeting. No. Come on, come to a meeting. No. Come to the.. No. Come.. No. Come on, come one. No. Come to... No. Come to... No. Come on, no, come... No. Come on, come to... Okay. I'll go. Now do you know why I said I'll go? Because I'm an alcoholic. and I'll say anything to get you to leave me alone, including I'm Jack Grisham and I'm an alcoholic. I got a problem with Alcoholics Anonymous. I got a couple problems with Alcoholics Anonymous, and it's all right. Don't let anyone tell you that it's not okay to have problems with us. It's okay to have problems with us. It's okay to question what we do here. It's okay to question orders. It's okay to question your sponsor. It's okay. If you get with someone that says don't ask questions, get away from them. It means they have no answers. We have answers. Ask questions. It's okay. One of the problems, and Bill had problems with us. I don't know why sometimes people are shocked when I say I have problems with AA. Bill had problems with us. What do you think those traditions are? That's a fear-based decision that worked out quite well for us. Those are based out of fear. Could you imagine creating something this cool and knowing you were going to leave it in our hands? I mean, read the stories about AA coming of age. They were terrified. You're going to ruin this. Anyway. One of my problems is that we're too quick to get the new man and the new woman to say they're an alcoholic. And we push them into it. And you got people in here claiming alcoholism that don't even know what they have. Go to these meetings. Say you're an alcoholic. Say you're an alcoholic. Don't say addict, goddammit. Say you're an alcoholic. Say you're an alcoholic. And we push them into it. And have you ever gone to a meeting where they go around the room and introduce themselves before the meeting starts? And the guy's there on a court card? Hey, I'm John Alcock. I'm Bud Alcock. I'm Frank Alcock. I'm Jim. I'm here on a court card. Woo! The whole room goes crazy. Like a bunch of monkeys just got out of the cage. You know, woo! We got one! Woo! We got one! You know, it's like, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah, gah! You can see it. You know what I mean? Woo! They're going, right? And in their eyes, you can just see their eyes spinning. I know what I'm going to say. I know what I'm going to say. You know, wham! You know? Save the new man! Save the new man! Save the new man! Going around. And when the meeting starts, the whole meeting is dedicated to Jim and his denial. I remember when I, too, came in on a court card, Jim. He's not even an alcoholic. Jim was shooting a game of golf. Jim shot a bad round. He went to the clubhouse. Had a couple drinks too many. Pulled out and got a 502, or whatever the hell they call it these days. Whatever it is. I don't know what it is. What's it now? Does anybody know? No one in here knows. Goodness. Whatever they call it, Jim pulled out and got a 502, and he went to court. And when he got in front of the judge, Jim was smart enough to tell the judge that he had a problem. Oh, I've got a problem. Your Honor. Great! Go to AA. Why? Because he wants his sentence reduced. Not because he's an alcoholic. He wants his sentence reduced. How many times have you told a friend that's got busted on a drunk driving charge, get a piece of paper and start getting signatures on it? So when you go to court, you've got some signatures to show the judge. No one in here has ever told somebody that. I have. I've told my friends that. Get some signatures. Jim goes to court, says he's an alcoholic, and they send him to us. Does that make him an alcoholic? No. Makes him intelligent. Very smart. He's saving himself about nine months of jail time coming up in here. And when that room goes around and Jim's in that room and they introduce themselves again, I'm Bud alcoholic, I'm Frank alcoholic, I'm Tony, I'm alcoholic. I'm Jim. I'm also an alcoholic. Now, is he any more of an alcoholic than he was the day before? No. No. He just wants you to leave him alone. Leave me alone. Sign my court card. Let me get out of here. Now, if you're an alcoholic, and this is, you know, I know we're in a conference that's a little different, but a lot of times, you know, if you're brand new in here, you're in an AA meeting. AA meeting. AA meeting. You're in an AA meeting. In case you don't know where you are. My buddy Howard used to always say that. He goes, in case you don't know. You're in an AA meeting, young man. You know, because there are people that don't know where they are. You're in an AA meeting. And not only are you in an AA meeting, you're in an AA meeting saying you're one of us. So if you're brand new, claiming you're one of us, what you're claiming is a fatal illness. Fatal illness. I don't even like to use the word disease because I don't even want to stay in that argument. I'll just talk illness with you. You have a fatal illness. Fatal means it's gone. It's going to kill you. Stop worrying about the mole on your back. It's the booze. And not only is it a fatal illness, but according to our literature, either one of these, according to our literature, it's a fatal illness that only a spiritual experience, awakening, or God connection can arrest. Do you have any? Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? Any idea? Could you imagine rolling into the doctor? You roll in the doctor and give your test. Like, I just did it. Test. Test. When I first said this, as I was younger, I'd go test. And now I'm 55, so it's test. Everything's down. All right. Anyway. You roll in the doctor. You give your test. Come back three days later. You go, hey. How'd it go, man? Uh-uh. Huh? How'd it go? How'd the test go? Uh-uh. Mm-mm. What? Mm. Fatal? Huh? Yeah, fatal. You're done, bud. What? Fatal. You don't even need to pay your bill, sir. You're... When the basket in the waiting room goes around, don't put a dollar in it. You're good to go. Fatal. Huh? Yeah, fatal. And though not a religious man, I favor prayer in cases such as yours. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is? Fatal. And not only is it fatal, but only a God connection can stop it. I see new guys come in, and they come in, and they smile, and they get a welcome chip, and they're smiling. Know why they're smiling? Because they have no idea what they got. No idea what they got. And if they knew what they had, they would not be smiling. Anyway, I hear guys sometimes, you know, talking about this first step, talking about conceding and all that. And, you know, there's no shortage of pride in Alcoholics Anonymous. Some people use the... Defect of pride as an asset around here a lot of times. And, you know, I'll hear these guys say, I make my men do a first step. We got down to it. We got down to it. I make my guy do a first step. Really? You make your guy concede to his innermost self that he's an alcoholic. How did you do that? Well... I made him do a third step. I made him get down on his knees. Did a third step. Really? So, first of all, you made your guy concede to his innermost self that he's an alcoholic. And then you got him to turn the care of his will and his life over the care of God? Mm-hmm. You should go to the Middle East. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. even tell if somebody does believe it in their heart? Because they're willing for a week or two? Because they're following your direction for a couple of months? That makes the fact that they've done a first step? No, man. Not even close. How do we even know if someone's done a first step? You know, it's not like a cell phone that we can break open and look for a little chip that got wet inside. Oh, this one's got wet. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's like you can't get a newcomer, crack them open, go, bitch, you're surrendered. I see it right here. It's, you know. How do you do that? The word surrender ain't even in our book. It's not up in there. Why? Because we can't make them surrender. T-Bone, look at the early stuff. Read the history of AA. It's all been talked about years before. Compliance versus surrender. You get guys that'll wear your suit. They'll put on your tie. They'll cut your... Their beard off. They'll show up at your meetings. They'll take commitments. They'll write your paperwork. They will follow orders. But it does not mean that they have surrendered. It means they follow orders. And there's a big difference. My friend Joe Millard, who just passed away, he got sober in 1964, and he used to toss her quote. He'd say, pity the heart that's slow to learn, what the quick mind sees at every turn. The journey from here to here. The desperation of knowing that you can't help them. I know a lot of people don't like to hear that either. The hopelessness. The really sinking in. What happens to the mind? What creates that shift? What breaks us? What is it that happens to us through this process where we are completely surrendered? I don't know. Man, I'll tell you, and I wish I did know. I wish I could give it. Hey, look, I know that book. I take commitments. I work harder than any of the guys that call me sponsor. They don't do half of what I do. Not half of it. I wish I could give it to them. I wish I could wake them up. I wish I could make them see it. But I cannot. I can't. I can give my experience. I can share. I can show by example. But it does not mean they're going to wake up. It does not. It does not mean they're going to see it. Real quick, to get to the end of this bit. I got sober on January 8th of 1989. Now, a couple of things happened before that that is so important to this. How do I know, how do I know that I can't drink successfully? I fail. I fail over and over and over again. How do I know my life's unmanageable? Because I can't. Because I can't run it. I can't do this. I'm not operating under somebody else's management. I'm running the show here. I'm running the show. It's not until a string of failures over and over and over again. One of the times I got sober, because I got sober a bunch. I was always getting sober. You know what I mean? Sober. I get sober easy. Sober's easy. Put somebody in jail, they get sober. It's easy. Keep them sober. Difference. Difference. Anyway, one of the times I got sober, I got 30 days. 30 solid days. No meetings, no God, no nothing. 30 solid days. And on my 30th day, I got a job as a bartender. Now, do you know that a bartender's an excellent job? There's many of us on the program that work in those service industries. There's many of us that pour booze, serve booze. Hell, I'm a musician. I traveled the world, basically, surrounded by musicians. I buy booze and drugs every night. Every night. But I've worked a first step. Anyway, I got this job as a bartender, and I had not worked a first step by that time. I didn't believe it. I didn't really concede to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. There was no awakening, no breaking, no nothing. And on my first day on the job, I went to a friend's house to pick up some mushrooms for another friend. I was being of service. And my buddy asked me, because he's seen me struggling. He's seen me in and out. Drunk, not drunk. You know, he's seen these. It's not like I was this quiet little drinker guy. You know what I mean? I want to mix. I get out. I'm mixing. You know what I mean? I am one. That's one thing I do realize. The one thing I disagree with in the book, there's a couple things that people that do not mix. I mix. You throw a couple cocktails in me, I'm mixing, baby. You know what I'm saying? I'm mixing. I see inside you. I love you straight out. Anyway. So this guy's seen my attempts at mixing. Anyway, he goes, Jack, how's it going? My guy, Lester, he goes, how's it going? I go, oh, it's going real good, Lester. Everything's good, man. I got 30 days. You know, mom's good. Baby's good. They moved out. They're gone. You know, girl's gone. Everything's good. I got 30 days. I got a job. Everything's solid. Is that your bong? Bam. Cunning, baffling, and powerful. Alcohol disguised itself as a skunk bud and hidden this dude. His bong. I love that because the old guys go, is he talking about drugs? No, sir. I am not. Anyway. I reach out and I take a bong hit. And I come to with a bong in my mouth. And I think, oh, my God. I just took a bong hit. Here I am telling this guy I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm sober. I'm stoned. Bam. That fast. And do you know that the big book talks about that? It doesn't say the word bong. You will not find the word. You will not find the word bong in the big book. But what it does say is strange mental blank spots while sober. I'm blacked out. Hey, you want to talk about blacked out drinking? Big deal. Big deal. Blacked out drinking. So what? You just drank too much. You know what I mean? We could go catch a normie and blank him out right now. You know what I mean? I mean, if I had the money, we could go on a field trip. We go downtown and catch a normie. And I'll tell you. If we can pour enough booze down his throat, his clothes will come off. He will black out. And guaranteed, he will get arrested. Because even in ocean shores, they don't like that kind of behavior up in here. But it doesn't make him an alcoholic. Anyway, let's go back. All right. But the book talks about a sober blackout. A sober blackout where you're sober. Do you understand how frightening that is? This is another one. To try to get through somebody's head. A sober blackout. It's like we're dealing with a mental illness. A mental illness. I have had guys sit across the table crying at me. Saying, I got to do it this time, Jack. I'm going to lose my wife. I'm going to go back to jail. And they cry and cry. And they look at me with these tears in their eyes. And I look right back at them and say, so what? Too bad. Too bad for you. And too bad for your wife. And too bad for your kids. Because guess what? You are going to do it again. If you're one of us, you will do it again. And I don't care what you want. We're dealing with a mental illness. A mental illness means too bad for you. Do you think you're the first person that's ever lost a wife over this? Ever gone back to jail on a dirty test? Do you think you can just stop this when you feel like it? You're just going to run. Run down to AA and get sober on Monday, huh, guy? Do you think that's the case? Too bad for you. Why are we so scared to talk about hopelessness to these people? Why? Anyway, I reached out and I took that bong hit. And I came to with a bong in my mouth. And what's my next thought? Fuck. I overreacted. I'm not going back to AA on one bong hit. You know what I mean? Hey, I took a bong hit. I surrender. I'll be GSR. That ain't happening. You know what I'm saying? It's not happening. He said I overreacted. Took a bong hit. It's all right. And I'm starting to get a little dry from the weed. I need a little drinky poo to wash this down. He said, now I'm drinking and smoking weed. So guess what? These mushrooms are not going to help me. I'm going to have to get rid of them. I'm going to have to get rid of them. I'm going to have to get rid of them. I'm going to have to get rid of them. I'm going to have to get rid of them. And it's so funny. I'm an alcoholic. I can't stop drinking. That's it. I'm an alcoholic. But guess what? I also got the jitters. You know what I mean? I got the jitters. I've taken sedatives for the jitters. A lot. Like Bob and Bill, it's the same thing Bill thought. The same thing. in the morning found me drinking and taking sedatives. What a shock, Bill. What a shock. Yeah, and I just found myself smoking skunk buds and drinking. What a shock. Anyway, I went to work. I was fired on my first night on the job. Fired on my first night. And that's not even a record around here. I mean, I love the guys. Sometimes I see these guys in the kings of AA. I just love them. My sponsor's been sober 47 years. His sponsor got sober with Bill. Big deal. So what? Doesn't mean anything. My sponsor could be an asshole. It doesn't mean anything. He's not. He's really a nice man. But hey, don't give this tape to him, man. Anyway, but what I'm saying, I don't even know what I'm saying. Now I'm scared. All right. But. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. I'm going to go to the next one. Oh, these peacocks of AA. I see them. They get a bunch of time and they start peacocking around. Like, they're the kings of AA. Who wants to be the king of us? The king of the drunks. Get it. Make yourself a cloak, sir. I don't get it. I mean, go one time. Try this. If you're ever fooling around and you're out of town, go somewhere and raise your hand and go, yeah, I lost my job first day on the job. Somebody else raised their hand and go, I lost my job. I got fired 30 minutes. On my first day on the job. Someone else raised their hand and go, I got fired 15 minutes on my first day on the job. Somebody else raised their hand and go, I didn't even go my first day. It's like. So I was fired. I'm staggering around. I'm on the street. My 30 days is gone. One more time. Gone again. One more time. One of you guys sees me. And he says, hey, Jack, can I help you? I'm like, yeah. Take me to my mom's house, man. I go, I'm losing it. And by that time, I was five grams into a very bad night by that time. And wait, on a quick ADD moment, because this is funny. OK, when I first told this story, this was like 20 something years ago. And there were still people that had gotten sober, like in the 40s and 50s. Still, they were at their end. But they were still there, right? And so I told this mushroom story at this meeting. This great old lady came up to me. She got sober. I think she got sober in 49 or something. And she comes up to me on our walker. And she goes, Jackie, baby. Because they were so sweet to me. She goes, Jackie, baby, can I talk to you? I go, yeah. I go, what's up? She goes, I want to ask you about them mushrooms, those shrooms, you call it. I go, yeah. She goes, were they bad? I go, yeah. I go, yeah. They're really bad. She goes, did you get them at Ralph's? Yeah, we've come a long way in here. So anyway, so I'm staggering around. I'm on the street. I'm staggering around. And one of you guys sees me, picks me up. I says, take me to my mom's. He drops me off at my mom's house. When he drops me off at my mom's, he says, we'll talk tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Oh my god. All right. Now I know what we'll talk tomorrow means. We'll talk tomorrow is code word for lecture. Right? It means you're too hammered to talk to now. When you sober up, I'll talk to you. Even the book says it. What's it tell us? Don't work with the wet ones. Unless the family needs your help. Because their minds got to get clear. You're just babysitting until their mind gets clear. Have you ever seen two wet drunks trying to help each other? It's crazy. It's like they speak a different language, man. You don't even know what's going on. One of them will go, yeah, I got 75. Take your shoe, fucking. And the other one will look at him and go, oh, no, 22 was 75. What? What? And a couple of times, I've rolled on 12 step calls and taken new recruits with me. And they've got their big book, and they're all shiny and ready to go. And the guy's sitting there, and he's hammered, and he's looking out of five eyes. Just go like that. And the guy will open it up, and he'll go, do you know what it says on page 63? Yeah. Yeah, he loves 63. Pour him a beer, you idiot. It's like, god damn. Stop it. Anyway. Yes. OK. So guy says, we'll talk tomorrow. Now, the next day, we're talking nice, nice. Me and this guy are talking nice, nice, nice, nice. And he's not saying nothing about me being drunk. Not even bringing it up. He's one of you guys. Not saying nothing. So I bring it up. I go, oh, man. I go, I was hammered last night, huh? And he goes, yep. I go, hey. Woo. I go, last night, huh, bud? He goes, yep. What I was waiting for is, Jack, you're a loser. Jack, you're a scumbag. Jack, you're an animal. Jack, you're a sociopath. I've heard it my whole life. Loser, scumbag, animal, sociopath. I'm waiting to hear it from this guy. Because he's a we don't drink and we definitely don't do any mushrooms up in here either AA guy who has seen me coming in, out, in, out, in, out, coming late, getting a date, leaving early, in, out, in, out, in, out, disrespecting his steps, disrespecting his traditions, taking a dump on the program. He's seen it. And I'm waiting to get yelled at and it ain't coming. I go, hey. Hey, man. I go, I blew 30 days. I got drunk. I blew 30 days. He goes, yeah, Jack, I know. He goes, you know what? You're probably an alcoholic. He goes, and if you're an alcoholic, you can't stop drinking. And if you do stop, you can't stay stopped for any length of time. That was the first time in my life I ever heard that. I wish that guy was still here. He is not. Two weeks later, on November 13, that guy left these rooms, went out and relapsed, and died that night in the car. That man's name was Don Langston. When I turned 15 years sober, I laid my chip on his grave, looked at his headstone, never realized it before, but he was only 21 years old when he died. Now, I got sober on January 8 of 1989. Sunday. No big deal. One more try. I'd been in and out for a year and so. One more try. Back. Sober. I stay here. I'm sober. I don't know about the God thing. I don't know about this. I don't know about any book thing. There's no book getting up in here. Right? I had a Jolly Rancher in the back of my hair when I first got sober. There wasn't, you know. Nobody's reading any book to me. Right? And I'll tell you. And even well into sobriety, in a year and a half sober, this shows you where I come from. Right? At a year and a half sober, I'm sitting outside a meeting. And inside the meeting hall, the steps and the traditions are painted, these big murals. A year and a half sober, I'm sitting outside the meeting hall. This dude walks in. The old timer sitting next to me goes, that's the man that did our steps for us. I go, oh, no way. I go, he comes here. He goes, yes. Every day at lunch. I go, oh, no way. I left that meeting, got on the phone, started calling my friends and telling them that I was at the source. Because the dude that wrote the big book, a Mexican painter named Mundo, was going to the meeting. So that shows you what I knew. Why, like clueless. However, what they did do, thank God, is. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. They did. That's what they taught me. That's what they taught me. They did not get me involved in the book. They didn't read the book to me, but they got me involved in the community. They brought me in. I got taught right away. You pick up cigarette butts. You straighten chairs. You wipe tables. You do not leave a meeting without giving something to that meeting and not out of your mouth. Giving something to that meeting out of your service, out of your heart, out of your sweat, out of your work. I was taught that. My best commitment right now is 26 years I have been the Saturday morning cigarette butt guy at this single meeting. For 26 years I have held that post. No one has come to take it yet. No one has come out and said, time to rotate. It hasn't happened. But they also don't tell me what to do out there too is what I really like. You know, your treasury, they want to know where the money is. Secretary, they're pissed off about the speakers. Be the cigarette butt guy. They leave you alone. Anyway. But they did get me involved in community. Okay. So I'm here involved in the community liking it, liking your hugs, liking the touches, liking this, liking what's happening, the kindness, all this. I'm loving it. But inside, every time I said I was an alcoholic, there was a little voice that said, no, you're not. Not like them. Not like them. They're bad. Not you. You're okay. Little voice said I'm okay. Now, we live down by the beach. I'm surfing this one day. I got money from my mother in my pocket. You know what I mean? I'm looking good. I got some money from my pocket. I got my pocket. I got a Marlboro Red. I walk in the meeting. I get a couple of stale cookies and a cup of coffee. I get my Marlboro Red. I sit down. I light up my smoke. I'm getting ready to participate. Now, I don't know what you're going to talk about, but I got something to say about it. Guaranteed. Right? Getting ready to participate. Everything's calm. Not a cloud on the horizon. Everything's okay. Everything's okay. Sitting there, ready to go. And all of a sudden, it was like the Groucho Marx show. A little duck, a little duck. I'm sitting there. I'm ready to go. It was like the Groucho Marx show. A little duck flew in. A little sign dropped down, and on that sign it said, you're going again. F you. Too bad. And for some reason, I had an unbelievable moment of clarity. I saw myself for what I was. I looked back, and all of a sudden I was capable of seeing every time I drank again when I tried not to. I was a man. every time I failed every time I went straight I was like Pinocchio I want to be a real boy I wanted to be straight I tried with all my heart and I'd set out dressed nice ready to go and I'd run into lamp wick and next thing I know I'm on Pleasure Island braying like a donkey drunk as shit over and over you got a Pinocchio reference you can eat some kids anyway so over and all of a sudden it was clear I saw it I'm like oh my god I saw it I knew I was going again I knew that no hero sponsor no 90 and 90 no memorizing the big book none of that crap that I had heard from here none of it was going to work because at that moment I realized that this was a mental illness that it was inside my head and like I have done so many times before one day when everything's going good I'm gonna come in here and say I'm okay and I don't need you anymore and I don't need this and I got it and I was gonna walk out of here one more time and get drunk and I saw it as clear as I ever could saw it I realized oh my god you're going man you're going and I looked around that room for someone to help me no one could help me no one there was no power in that room that could help me nobody that was gonna be there 24 hours a day all through the night strap to myself with a waist sticking with me all the time no one could help me I looked around and I was crushed all of a sudden it just fell I was crushed the ego was just done gone and I sat there and I was so afraid and so panicked and so hopeless crushed and I looked around and I didn't know what I was gonna do and then I saw this man and he was this guy and George Davis and he's been sober 40 years and I looked around and I saw this sun knight and I saw this man and George Davis and he been sober 40 years and I looked at George and I said, but George is sober. George is sober. And if I do what George does, if I do what he does, if I just do this stuff, then I too can stay sober. And all of a sudden, it reinflated. There's an interesting line in the book. It says that we, the power, we're powerless. But do you know when it says the power returns? Power does return. It says it. It's in the book. I'm not making it up. It says when we realize we can do it, all of a sudden new power flows in. That moment I realized I could do it and new power had flown in. I have not turned my back. I have not walked away for the last 27 plus years, but I had to concede. I had to wake up and I had to hit the point of hopelessness that crushed me before I was willing to reach out to something outside this world to fill me. I want to thank you guys for having me. Thank you. Let's give Jack and our reader, Alan, another round of applause.