Step 2 – Judy A. – Wilson House Big Book Workshop Retreat – 2020

My name is Chris and I am an alcoholic. It's good to be here this morning. I had a lot of fun last night. I really enjoyed being here with Judy and being at the Wilson House. There's something really special about this place. There's a spirit in here. It's wonderful to do workshops. The things that happen between the presentations and the talks are also really important. All the fellowshipping that goes on. It's so much fun being up here. This is my 24th time up here doing something like this. I hope to get another 24 in before I'm done. This morning Judy and I are going to be talking about what our experience is and what we're doing. We're going to be talking about what's developed over the course of time for us with the second and the third step. Really to talk about the second and the third step and put it into context, you really have to talk about what was going on back in the early days when they were putting all this information together. The 30s is really when they were gaining the experience of what it was like to be a part of the community. It's really when you're talking about the recovery program that is laid out in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. You really have to understand a little bit about the Oxford Group to understand the second and the third steps in context. What was going on back in those days is independently, Dr. Bob was going to Oxford Group meetings in Akron, Ohio. Akron, Ohio, and Bill Wilson was going to Oxford Group meetings in New York City. And Bill got sober, and Dr. Bob continued to drink after years in the Oxford Group. So, you know, what can we learn from that? What we can learn is Dr. Bob came late, he left early, and he didn't get involved. Anybody sponsor in here? You know, you have any experience with people like that? Now, on the other hand, Bill Wilson came early, stayed late, and said, what do you need me to do? And really got busy with this Oxford Group thing. Now, drunks had been getting sober for many, many years prior to Alcoholics Anonymous, and Dr. Bob was Dr. Bob was and they'd been getting sober because of what is described as religious conversion experiences. So, there was the Salvation Army, there was the Jacobi Club, there was the Emmanuel Movement, there was the Oxford Group, there were a lot of these organizations. And they weren't specifically designed for alcoholics to get sober, they were really more designed as repairing one's soul. Getting someone to the point where they have a religious experience and they get involved in all that. So, what happens is Bill Wilson starts going to these Oxford Group meetings because Ebby drags him in, and he stays sober. You know, he stays sober. He gets involved in some of the spiritual exercises. He gets involved in some of the spiritual exercises that they ask you to do back in those days. And you know, one of them was a decision. You are going to make a decision. And this was very, very serious demonstration for anyone that was making the decision. What it would basically look like in Akron, we have a little bit more information about what it looked like in Akron, is Dr. Bob would get you and some of the other Oxford group members together and you would get on your knees and you would literally turn your will and your life over to the care of God in your own way. And if it did not sound sincere, you'd do it again. And if you were unwilling to do that, there's the door. I mean, it was a very, very serious exercise. And that was the decision that you would make. When Bill Wilson was writing the big book, there was a lot of New York influence. And the New York influence was not as religious. There was some psychological and even some atheist influence coming from... the New York area. So when the book was being written, what Bill did was he stripped out the Oxford group. He stripped out the Oxford group and he tried to strip out as much of the religious elements as he could because by this time, he had realized that it was the spiritual exercises, the action that was going to keep us safe. The spiritual exercises. Theiction that kept us sober, made us physical HannahMent already. And the following thing about it. Here are some things that pull usoda to feel sober, and get us connected to this power. So we have admitted in step one, that we are powerless over alcohol. Judy and I talked a lot about that last night. What does powerlessness look like? We admit to powerlessness. and my life is unmanageable because I'm powerless, then I need some kind of power. The wonderful thing about Alcoholics Anonymous is, and the smart thing that Bill did, was he did strip out the Oxford Group stuff. He did strip out the religious stuff. Because at the time, I believe that he wanted the door to be open wide enough for all of us where we were. To be able to communicate to us where we were. We did not have to join a church. We did not have to join an organization. But we had to participate in the spiritual exercises that brought about a recovery process. That was not optional, especially in the 30s. So we need power. We need to gain power. The Oxford Group... The Oxford Group would ask you to do a handful of things. One of them was surrender. That was the demonstration. That was the third step, what we call today the third step. Then they would ask you to confess. There was a confession. You confess your sins. What Bill did with that is he turned it into a four-step inventory and a fifth-step exercise. Restitution was another thing that the Oxford Group would ask you to do. If you've harmed anyone, you're to go back and do the best you absolutely can to repair that wrong. And then there was prayer and meditation, especially morning meditation. That was not optional. That was something that the Oxford Group considered absolutely essential. And then there was witnessing, which is, you know, we've been healed. Let's try to find some other people that could use that healing. And those were Oxford Group principles that Bill understood was the core of why he had recovered from alcohol. That into the recovery program when the big book was being written. Now, I want to share a little bit about my experience with Step 2 and my experience with Step 3. And I want to tell a story that will illustrate... a little bit about after the dash with me. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol. Dash. That our lives had become unmanageable. What is that, that our lives have become? It's very important to understand what that is. What that unmanageability looks like. Because that's what the 12-step treats. The 12-step is... 12-steps are designed to treat the after the dash. The after the dash part of Step 1. And by treating that, our problem with alcohol becomes removed. These are the promises in the big book. So, okay, I'm drinking like a maniac. It's the late 1980s. And this is what a normal day would look like for me. I would come to in the clothes that I had passed out in the night before. And I'd stagger into the bathroom, you know. I'd do some vomiting calculations. I'd do some calisthenics because, you know, I was a big smoker. You know, I'd put my mouth underneath the faucet. And I'd guzzle about a half a gallon of water trying to rehydrate. You know, and I'd throw some water out of my hair. I'd look in the mirror a little bit, you know. And I'd go out to my $100 car and drive off to my terrible job, you know, with my terrible boss. And it was awful. And I explained a little bit about how I would swear to God that this is the last time I'm going to be there. This is the last time I'm going to be this sick. I know I'm doing it to myself. This is the last time I'm going to be this sick. And I would drive off to work. Now, I would leave work convinced that I had overreacted in this never drinking again. And I would head right to the liquor store. And that's where I want to pick up this particular story. I want to emphasize a little bit about after the dash with this story. So, I had a liquor store that I went to all the time. I knew the proprietor, Jim. And in the warmer months, I would drink Gordon's vodka. And in the cooler months, I would drink George Dickel bourbon. That was my jam, okay. And they knew not to run out because we had had that conversation, you know. And I had this down. I always had a 20 in my pocket. And I knew what I was doing. I knew where it was. I'd go through the door. I'd grab my bottle up to the cash register, put the bottle down, put the 20 down. Jim would give me my change, drop the bottle in a bag, and I'm out, right. I'm out. And that was my routine. And as I'm walking out the door, it would be like, ah, you know, I got it. I got it. I'll be okay now. Now, this one day, this one day, I walk in there and I grab my bottle. I'm headed for the cash register. And there's Jim is talking to this lady. You know, she's asking questions at a liquor store. She's going, she's going, what kind of wine goes with tilapia? And I'm horrified by this, right, because she's in my way. And he starts answering her. Oh, there's this marvelous Chablis from the California regions. And he starts taking her around the store. He starts showing her bottles. And I freak out. I'm like, hey, hey, vodka buyer here. Hey, you know, that Trump's a wine lady. Give her a bottle of Gallo. Get her the hell out of here. I got a problem. I got a problem. I'm sober. Hook me up. And that's what's going on in my head. I'm flipping out. Now, I want to talk to you. Now, I want you to think about this. Is alcohol really my problem? Sobriety is my problem. Alcohol is the solution. Alcohol is the treatment for my problem. But alcohol has turned on me. I have become addicted to it. And because of the physical craving, I'm drinking it to the point where it's killing me. You know, that's my problem. That's power. And what's driving this powerlessness, what's driving this obsession to get alcohol is the after the dash. My life had become unmanageable in a sober state of being. Now, here's the thing. I show up in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm really, really committed to separating from alcohol because I do understand that it's killing me. But I have not undergone any treatment for my alcoholism. Not drinking and going to meetings is not a treatment for alcoholism. It's a good thing to do because it brings us into the fold where we're going to hear the message and we're going to fellowship with other people. And we're going to find a sponsor. And we're going to do all the stuff that we need to do, right? But not drinking and going to meetings is not a treatment for the behind the tone. It's a treatment for the behind the tilapia lady guy. What has to be healed is the behind the tilapia lady guy. So here I am in Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm going to a meeting every night. And I got a home group. And I got a sponsor. And I'm even a treasurer over here and a secretary over there taking the boobies from the hatch to the meeting. You know, I'm doing everything. I'm saying yes to everything because I've now become an AA enthusiast. I'm enthusiastic about this AA stuff. But I'm still nuts. I'll be sitting in a meeting. See if anybody in here relates to this. I'm sitting in a close-minded discussion meeting. You know, we all have to go to those every once in a while. And, you know, does anybody have a problem today? Yeah, everybody in this room has a problem. You know? Don't emphasize that too much. Please. You know, the meeting will be taken hostage by, you know, some insane person. So anyway, I'll be sitting in the discussion meeting. And, you know, now I know how to act. I'm acting sober, right? You know, I'm an AA member. And I'm smiling. And I said hi to everybody. And you have no clue that I'm completely out of my mind. Because we're really good at, you know, at cleaning up and looking good. And all of a sudden, he raises his hand. You know who I'm talking about? No! No! This is what's going on in my head. No! He raises his hand. No! Please don't call on him. Please don't call. Oh, they called on him! Oh, now for five minutes we're going to hear him talk about his family. Oh, dude, tell somebody who cares. Oh! Oh, now he's grateful. Oh, that warms my heart that he's grateful. I think I'll go outside and slash all four of his tires. And then I'll walk him out of the meeting. Because I want to see how that gratitude holds up. Oh, you know. Oh, thank God he's, thank God it's over. Thank God. Thanks for sharing. You know? Like, this is the stuff that's going through my head. And I can't go to my sponsor or anything and tell them that and throw a net over me. You know what I mean? Now, you know, so I am untreated alcoholism. And I'm going to 13 meetings a week. And I'm the treasurer and the secretary. And I just don't know. I just don't know. How do you know what you don't know? And one day, one of my buddies, Radio Shack Mike, hands me a set of eight 90-minute cassette tapes. Remember the old cassette tapes? And he said, dude, you're hardcore. You know, you might like these. And he made me promise to listen to them. And, you know, they were the late, great Joe and Charlie. And I put these things in because I had a long ride to work. And my first impression was they really upset me. They really upset me because this is what I heard. I heard, Chris, you know, you're fellowshipping like the pope. And, you know, you're all over this AA thing. And, you know, you got some service commitments and all that's really great. But you don't have a program. Because a program is taking the exercises in the book, Alcoholics Anonymous. And if you haven't actually done that, you have no program. So when you go back out, please never say to anybody that you've been to AA and you did AA. Because that's what AA is, those 12 steps. And this really upset me because no one was talking about actually doing the steps in the meetings I was going to. Or I wasn't hearing it. Well, you know, there was a lot of people in a lot of step meetings talking about a lot of steps and philosophizing about a lot of steps and sharing about a lot of steps. I just didn't hear it. I just didn't hear about anybody actually doing them. And so I thought that these two guys, my first impression was these two guys are reactionary. Oh, man. Maybe that's how you do this in Arkansas. But in New Jersey, we share. You know, this is what I thought. But the truth, the truth haunted me. I was haunted by what the information that they were sharing. Because they were talking about a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps that would revolutionize the way I saw the world, the way I interacted in the world, and would heal my spirit. And there was truth. You know, when someone disturbs you about your alcoholism, this is all to the good. You may get really upset. But you're going to have to somehow internalize this. You're going to somehow have to deal with this information. And that's what happened to me. I got in the barrel. You know, I had met Mrs. Right, you know, or Mrs. Right Now or, you know, whatever it was. It was like, you know, oh. I remember going to my sponsor, Phil. I started to see so and so. And he was like horrified. He was like, no! You know, because he knew what that meant. You know, he knew that would be an uninterrupted series of phone calls like three times a day for the next six months. You know, no! And, you know, I didn't, you don't understand. We connect. You know, and that thing went down like the Hindenburg. You know, because two ding-a-lings do not make a bell. You know? And then, and then. And then. And then I lose my job. Like the same week I lose my job. You know, I get laid off. And then I start to get letters from Florida with language like fleeing to avoid prosecution. You know, details like that. And they're going to take my driver's license. I'm going to lose my driver's license. I lose my job. You know, lose the girl. And I'm in the barrel. And here's the thing. The grace of God really, really does run deep. I truly believe this. That when someone is willing, really willing, what will happen is a pathway will be made for someone to get better. And because I had listened to these Joe and Charlie tapes and they had been haunting me, you know, I could have killed myself. And, folks, believe me. We take our own life at an unbelievable rate higher than non-alcoholic. I could have picked up a drink just for that temporary escape, you know, that between drink six and drink nine when all is well before you become a vomiting pig. I could have done that. But what I did was I pulled these tapes out and I blew the dust off of my big book. And I started to go through the Joe and Charlie seminar with my big book open. And when they would ask, when they would say this is what we do. I actually did that. There was no one in my area that was going through the big book at this time and taking you through the steps. It didn't exist in my county in New Jersey. But these tapes, these tapes saved my life. Now, I did a really not a great job. Like if I had a sponsee that did the kind of job I did when I first went through, I'd make them go back and do it again. But the fact of the matter is was that the amount of work that I put in. Was sufficient to go to the next level in spiritual development. And my spirit started to heal. So I believe, I believe step two is getting to a point where you believe that there's really an answer for you. And sometimes this is hard because the flesh is not the same. Because the flag that we wave is, yeah, but my case is different. Like if you really understood all the dynamics of my life. You know those steps on the wall, you know, aren't, how many of us come into AA and see the steps on the wall and go, that'll do it. You know, perfect. None of us. So, so it's a, it's a process. We have to start to believe in God. We have to start to believe that it's worked for other people. We have to start to trust our sponsor. We, we, you know, we, we come to believe that there's a power that we can gain access to. And that was my experience. And then I made the decision. My, my third step decision was pulling those Joe and Charlie tapes out, blowing the dust off of my big book. And starting to get to work. On the recovery process. And, and, and we can, we can overly complicate this, this thing. We're, we're, we're people who complicate a one car funeral. You know, we'll, we'll get lost. I, or we'll, or we'll take a statement and we'll layer all kinds of our opinions over those statements. This is a very, very simple program. This program was put together by the work that they did with people who were two days sober. You know what I mean? It, it, it's steps that they took with people that were still detoxing. So it's not a complicated program. It's sometimes very difficult for us to do because we have a, an enormous ego. And we're enormously self-centered. And, and it's very difficult for us to come to the conclusion. That, you know, our problems are coming, are, are, are coming from us and not coming at us. That's a very, very difficult shift in perception. But we have to start to have faith that this Alcoholics Anonymous thing will not only solve our alcohol problem. But our, the unmanageability in our life. And then we absolutely have to be, get committed to, to this, to this process. I sponsor a lot of people. And one of the ways I sponsor is, before we get started, I get clear on this stuff. And I tell them what is going to be expected. What's going to be expected if you, if you work with me is you're going to go through these steps. You're going to take these steps. Don't, you know, waste your time and mine if, if it's not something that you're not going to do. There's plenty of people that will be your sponsor. There's plenty of groups that, you know, listen. You can always come into Alcoholics Anonymous. And we absolutely allow you to languish in the back row. Year after year, not being held accountable to a recovery program that'll, that'll give you some, some healing. Some, some recovery. We need to have the doors that wide open. Because some of us are sicker than others. And some of us take a long, long time to come to the conclusion that there really is an answer. For our cancer. For our case even though we're different. So, so the third step I believe is this. It's, it's making a decision, a serious decision to go through the rest of the steps. And to develop a relationship with this power. Remember we're powerless. We need power. We need to develop a personal contact with and relationship with this power. Many of us call this power God. And this is really what I learned in the third step. I, over and over again I've gone through the steps. I've probably gone through the steps 12 times in 30 years. You know, start to finish, 1 through 12. And each time I have a better understanding of it. A better, better grasp of it. But, you know, we don't think and learn ourself recovered. We behave ourself recovered. You know, it's a behavior modification process. So, so, so that's my, that's my two cents. I'm going to turn it over to my friend Judy. Judy, do you have this? Is it green? It's green. Hi everybody. I'm Judy. I'm an alcoholic. Hi Judy. Hello, way in the back over there. You're a long way away. Can you hear me? Okay, thank you. I have a softer voice than I once had. I'll tell you about that in a few minutes. But it was a great introduction. Thank you. Absolutely a great introduction to second and third. You know, I've come to look at this thing as though when Bill was writing this, he set up two and three, four and five, six and seven, eight and nine. And for me, it's always been the first of those two that does the heavy lifting. Once I get through the first part, the second one is the, is the result. And it's a much easier thing for me to do. So I told you last night about this business of not understanding myself, powerless over alcohol. It seemed as though an unmanageability would be the door in which I could come in. And that was, you know, angry at God, not willing to have a God, but a whole head full of religious education. I've got a 14 year Catholic girls' school background. My stepfather is a Russian Jew. My mother was an Irish Methodist. So you name it, and we had some conversation about it. And it was always good. It was not my fault. It was my fault. My family are people who kept their commitments. It's a great lesson. I had people with different religious beliefs, but they all kept their commitments. I got all those religious beliefs and never found a commitment I could keep. You know, I never learned those parts of the lessons. So we get to a fact that I'm sitting among you in Alcoholics Anonymous without a program. Like Chris was saying, I'm here. The body is here. And the body is here until I can begin to hear here. And I think a lot of us are in that case for a long time. And we're in that place and sometimes we stay there for a really long time. It's a very dangerous time. I'm sure you all know that. It's a really dangerous time. But people started before I was ready. They started saying things like, it's time for a second step. And it's time for us to take a group third step. And my hair would be on fire. You know, like, no. No, we're not doing this. And people were pretty convinced that it was a step that I needed to take. And they were praying at me and with me and on me and over me and everything else. And I'm like having none of it. Today, I would tell you that I get that arrogant position because I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm just not doing it. And I'm not doing it. That's the reason why I'm in that arrogant position, because I didn't really believe in my first step. And I think it's important for me today, sitting here with 37 years of sobriety, to ask myself in the morning, am I an alcoholic today? I was an alcoholic when I got that I was an alcoholic. But it's easy to get sicker the longer you stay sober, too. And I want to say that out loud. and I am totally addicted to what Judy thinks and so I wander around you know I'm recovered am i recovered do I need to be recovered today maybe I'm no longer an alcoholic and so with through the blessings of having a 12-step in our program I'm face to face with walking with other people through the whole process so we can ask ourselves am I an alcoholic today am I recovered I don't know what I do with that word I think it's a beautiful word but some days I have a little more id recovered than others and and and some days I feel like the hideous example you know so it's fair to say that I don't use that all the time I think of it I think of myself as a person who has been blessed with a continuous period of sobriety weekends and holidays combined you know but I was brand-new the most attractive thing about Alcoholics Anonymous of the time was the drama in the men it was certainly not your sobriety but here I was I just followed in and sat down among you and and you discomforted me and there was a gentleman there who had a know 10 or 15 years of sobriety who said I'm out of town for a week stay sober till I get back and then we'll talk and I couldn't hear anybody but he would set me in his car and we would go visit people listening to tapes and CDs well there weren't CDs they were tapes and listening to tapes in the car and he'd say things like we have to keep ourselves safe in a a and let's just listen to tapes and stay in the car and I had no idea what he was talking about except that I didn't have any barriers between me and other people and my behavior wasn't always right up to snuff but he kept us safe and he allowed me to learn and we talked a lot about this thing called Alcoholics Anonymous as an organization we talked about sobriety as a way of life we talked about questions and I allowed he allowed me to tell him how wrong he was that he didn't want to say anything to somebody he wanted to tell him how wrong he was that he didn't want to say anything to somebody he was on almost everything and and you know I I just wasn't willing to listen so about the time I've got this I'm sober but I'm not really an alcoholic they start talking about a second step and for me it's been like this Chris is absolutely right it's a process of can't coming coming to believe in something coming to believe what that not in a power but that a power that little word was significant for me that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity some of you question that bit about sanity I know and they'd say but I'm not insane I didn't have a problem with that part I really didn't that was not a question my behavior even to me was less than then then um healthy let's just say so I found some things in my own background that I didn't understand and I didn't know it until you lay and continuously I might add talked about the book and some expressions in it and I want to just read to you something from we agnostics and some notes that I made um um replacing something that I hadn't said before as is exactly what I hold on the my experience because it is my books a mess it's got all kinds of writing in it and I keep them cards for people I'm sponsoring so I can tell who's who when those cards remind me of the people that are in them so one of the things that that was really amazing from we agnostic it was Holy smokes, it's so complete, it's all about control. Have I got it when I drink, have I got it when I quit? No. I could hear that, and there's some reason the rawness of that paragraph, that first paragraph on page 44, was significant for me to begin to see alcoholism as, you know, there were lots of statements going around where I got sober, things like, if you find yourself in three meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, you're probably an alcoholic. I'd been to one a day for six months. That must mean I'm really an alcoholic, but what's that got to do with my drinking? I could hear you, but that was the kind of thing that was being talked about where I got sober. They weren't talking about control. Don't you find it interesting that, love the sound of that, love the sound of that train, love it. Don't you find it interesting that the book says on one page, if you don't think you're an alcoholic, try drinking. See how it works. And on another page it says, if you don't think you're an alcoholic, try not drinking. See how that works. And what I got was the freedom from the discussion. You don't care. Just learn from whichever one works. If one works for you, we don't talk about another person's drinking or not drinking. You can go drink. You can go not drink. Do you have any control in either case? And that finally filtered into my head. It was about control. And on We Agnostics, it talks about that beautiful thing. So we saw that faith in some kind of God was a part of our makeup, just as much as the feeling we have for a friend. Sometimes we had to search fearlessly, but he was there. He was as much a fact as we were. Is that so? I'm asking myself. We found the great reality deep down within us. In the last analysis, it is only there that he may be found. And that completely turned my sense of faith, religion, and belief on its head to begin to realize that that search was within myself, not outside myself. Outside myself was this searching for life and meaning and all of that kind of thing, spiritual quest, if you will. But within me was different territory. What if I had to look within myself? And later on in big book studies that we have been to, I realized that I have been finally taught that we are a spiritual being having a human experience. And if I'm to find a spiritual spot, that place has to be within me and not within you. You mirror back to me, but that place has to be within me. And so if God is within, I must look within. I sponsor a pagan transgendered person. Not sure whether that makes it a he or a she or a they yet. I'm learning what I didn't understand. And we have a complete sharing of what's spiritual. And we have a complete sharing of what's spiritual. And we have a complete sharing of what's spiritual. And what spirituality means, isn't that an amazing thing? He has a different expression. But we have a mutual understanding of a spiritual quest and a spiritual growth. And dependence and surrender. And dependence and surrender. So it's faith in some kind of God that might be within me. And then the big question comes at the end of We Agnostics. As far as I'm concerned, it's are we willing? And here's where I found that I was lacking. And here's where I found that I was lacking. that I was lacking, I had absolutely no willingness. So back when my dad died and I was 13, everybody's gathered in our front room. And my dad was a part of a church organization and part of a men's group, and so everybody's over there. And he was a gregarious sort of guy, and people really liked him a lot and showed up for, you know how you show up for your community, and he showed up in his community, and they all showed up for my mom and us kids. And somebody said to me, "'You know, God wanted your father in the heavenly choir.'" And I get to Alcoholics Anonymous, and I can hear that woman saying that, saying, what kind of God kills little girls' daddies? I am not going with you there. I am simply not going. There was absolutely no way and absolutely no personal willingness to go to a place with that kind of God. I'd made a lot of mistakes. I'd suffered through a lot of stuff. I'm sober. My house is in bankruptcy or in foreclosure. My kids and I are spiritually, emotionally, practically bankrupt. I'm estranged from most of my family. I have an ugly divorce, that seems to take forever, that will never end. And I'm supposed to turn my life over to this God who kills people. So I never say to a sponsee today about God's choices to choose one and not another, because for me, that was a damaging thing to say. Today, when I pray, it's on a different level, and it's an acceptance and it's a surrender, but, I wasn't, I was not a Christian. I wasn't there then. And I think it's really neat that in the book, Bill writes about, and now we're ready to take a third step. So let's go back to two. He does this stuff backwards, right? You all know that. He throws out an idea and then he takes us back to another place to prepare us to do that. And so he talks a lot about why is it that we should take a second step before we get to the point, and then he takes us back to another place to prepare us to do that. And so he talks a lot about why is it that we should take a second step before we get to the point where we're going to be a Christian. How is it prere routine? Now what about the previous message, that artists must be holy protectors that acknowledge the goddess of mercy and make faith for us. Those of us who know God, some of us don't know God, but there are lots of us that know him. I сюrist and I am God, I'm a great gymnast, and I know how to work in this. I actually saw this mission, and some of the neuenegists and some of the muothis of gorgeous virgins coeur up a prayer. They were wonderful people. It was so Kiaoua, some of them so Bangії, some of those people who were so wonderful. I had these men with sweet children, that they've, they've been spices, you could spot oneself, they probably wouldn't, build our God on the parents or the disappointments of our past? I had certainly. It's like having a character that you've had been so scarred by that you are repelled by them forever. But what if that isn't the God of my understanding? What if there is another kind of spiritual journey available to me that would allow me to be willing just enough to let me in the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous as a recovery program? And so I go looking for a hook and I found it. You know, that way that is always provided for us when our minds are closed for me was there were two parts of my life that were totally and completely unmanageable. And one of those was my love life. I got that. So I had gotten sober and somewhere before I got sober, I'd written. This was a big deal to me. It was such a big deal to me. I had written in a class. Qualifications I would want in a partner starting with 50 of them. And then the question was you. The hard part is you had to put them in order because you never knew where the line was gonna be drawn. So hair never made it on the list. Feet never made it on the list. So I had this long list and I continued to drink. I continued to drink. I got sober and I start fixing the bedroom up. You know, the bed, the drunk bed right and that kind of stuff so we actually get a bed frame and I turn the bed over because it's spring and now I'm sober and we're a little cleaner and and between the mattress in the box spring is this list the magic list and it says on there I found him he has all the qualities and I read the list and I'm going but who was it there's no name on it obviously a drunk find so you know it was a big deal to me at the time this seemed to be really important and I realized that my life was chaotic and that I was using people and I was being used by people and it was the evidence in a way of my alcoholism more than anything else because I'd been living my life not at home with a bottle but in a bar I'm a bar drinker mostly and so my life was like that I was never home I was always gone I was always out and I got that I was powerless over my love life my family life and I was powerless over one other thing that was a big deal to me I'm a family member I'm a family person that matters a meal to me a lot and I had these kids that were absolutely gonna die out on the streets and I had given it my best shot my best shot being able to put my face on the street I was pretty poor you know I wasn't home to do that but I had given it my best shot at the time in my own sick way and I got that I could not keep my kids alive I could not make them better I could not get them to the place where we could be a family we could be whole we could be any of the things that you guys were showing me you were mirroring to me to me how you behave and I couldn't make that happen in my family so I have to tell you I fought the second step thing something ferocious but those two things brought me to my knees and then brought me all the way down and one night in the shag carpet snot coming out of my nose and total anger of God you don't play fair but I give up I give up and I gave up completely down to my toes that there were so many things that I could not control alcoholism family children the very meaning of who I was and what I was had to be given up I said please don't kill my kids please don't kill my kids and I gave up because you promised me something you promised me that there would be a solution here and I didn't know what it was you promised me that there would be a solution here and I didn't know what it was and I had no faith and I was terrified one of the things that I'm happiest about today is that all of my kids are better parents than I was they all have children that are better kids than I was and they've all turned into productive useful citizens some of them have different looks of alcoholism but none of them but one have a problem with alcoholism the way I did and that one is 25 years sober thanks to you guys I did not get him sober you got him sober you demonstrated for him what I could not do but from the day that I turned over those kids my family began to get better that was the biggest example I can give you is that unwilling angry pitiful unhappy I made a decision because without that decision I knew I couldn't stay sober a minute longer not one minute longer and I made the decision for sobriety rather than what I thought was safety and instead what I found out was the safety of being in the loving arms of the demonstration of God's will in my life and you have been that to me so just a quick little tiny story at the end of that over the Christmas holiday I had pneumonia and I had it pretty badly you know I had pneumonia and I had it pretty badly and God and I were having a talk so my life has changed a lot and in that talk I thought maybe God and I were going to do a face-to-face because I was pretty sick for a while there and I was kind of scared and that talk went like you know I'm okay either way you just work it out I'm willing to stay and I'm willing to go and I have absolutely no fear except take care of my kids take care of my husband take care of my family and I'm willing to be here if this is some use for me and so here I am face to face with you so that decision was clear but it was made without any reservation thank you it was made without no rez with no reservation whatsoever so how do you go from here to there I offer you that how do you get there to a place where everything is frightening everything is a disaster but you can survive your life and you can live with the overwhelming and finally somewhere after that second step experience it was not a first step experience it felt like my insides were being pulled out of me that night on the floor and my life has never been the same since I could then go forward and make a third step prayer with some kind of integrity and some kind of commitment behind it that I could not do until I became willing to surrender at all many of you know that kind of surrender I can't make that surrender with my intellect you know Chris was saying it we don't think our way into this stuff we have to act our way into this stuff and I think for each one of us we have a moment of that come to Jesus thing if I can use that term that moment of coming to when we reach down deep inside ourselves to the place that we've not been to before with today's challenges and we will have what we need for tomorrow's challenge but I lean into this in order to have what I need not out of it so today I don't have to reach for a drink to deal with it I reach out for you I reach out for your expressions and for the people that I've been surrounded by and I know to start my day and to carry my day with a God of my understanding that process from here to there who gets to make that outside of Alcoholics Anonymous I ask you who gets to do that probably a lot of people but I didn't but I didn't you were my easier softer path and I wind up here instead of there but not without a price along the way in bits of our soul yet to surrender as we go so for me it was the second step it was the most difficult of those two steps once I understand exactly how terribly powerless I am how terribly broken I am you can't get to the third step fast enough because now I need help now I know to grab the big hand and now I need to show up for that and that's just been my path with that kind of experience all of those things have been you one day at a time better than they started but it was me in the middle and I didn't know that it was me and my stubbornness and my arrogance and my fear that are the enemy to me for getting to us a place of greater spirituality I did not know how closed all the doors of my life were and so I build things on fear and later on in our first step when we talk about fear I bit a whole life around fear of something and you begin to strip it away one piece at a time you are often the face of a loving God to me when I can't reach the God of my understanding so I think each and every one of us has a place to play in this I think of us like like concrete like it's filled with tiny pebbles all held in suspension with each other and every pebble counts but we're still just a pebble we're not the glue we're a pebble so I hope that's useful and what I'd like to do if we're gonna do a third step I'd like us to stand and join in a surrender to a third step together because there's no sense talking about it if we're not doing it could we ask for a couple minutes of silent meditation being absolutely sure that we are ready before we take this step together and somebody with a watch can keep time let us know when three or four minutes is up you you you you, you, you, you, you, you,