Step 2 Hit When He Saw It Working for Others – Dave R.

My name's Dave Raving. I'm an alcoholic, a grateful member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'd like to thank the committee for asking me next year to come up this year. And I'd also like to take a little moment just to give a silent prayer for Cindy. She has to be going through some troubles, you know. So I'd love to do that for a minute. Thank you. You know, I feel just as nervous right now as I did when I came to my first AA meeting. My palms are sweaty. My stomach's doing flip-flops. My sponsor told me to wear dark-colored trousers in case I peed myself. But it's okay, you know? Serenity in Yosemite sounds really great, and that's what it is. For those people that are listening to this on tape, there's 10,000 people out here, and I'm sorry you missed it. One of my defects of character is I lie. Still. I'm grateful to be here today I really am they asked me 10 days ago if I'd come up here and I said yes without any hesitation because I didn't want to wait until next year and go through all this pain you know but it's neat you know I was born at a real early age like everybody else you know The first thing I can remember happening to me is getting in trouble at age two because I used to count things. I don't know what you guys did, but I used to count things, you know, and what I was counting when I was, I was counting pictures of my mother and my brother and it never added up right. There was like eight to one and I didn't understand that and what I got in trouble over was I beat up a picture of them that they had sitting on their bed, you know. on their headboard in their bedroom. And I got yelled at for that. I didn't understand how come there were so many pictures of my brother and none of me. So I was always looking for acceptance, you know. From then, I thought my mom loved my brother more than me because he's got more pictures, you now. I didn' t know my dad was in the service. You know, that never equated to me. another thing that happened my brother was an epileptic and a breech birth and had some brain damage I used to call him retarded I used to hate him around age 5 to age 8 somewhere around there I wanted to try to kill him so I tried that I peed on his toothbrush It doesn't work Didn't work I tried to figure all kinds of little nasty things To do to him We'd be washing dishes together And I'd hand him the knife With the knife edge And I would grab it back out of his hand And cut him I just didn't like him You know, he was in between me and my mother. And I didn't, you know, I wanted that acceptance, you know. He got more attention than I did because he was sick, but I didn't realize that. And I was always going for that. My dad was always around, but my dad was also always working. You know? He was a workaholic. My mom and dad were both grown up, you know, were both brought up by alcoholic parents. And they were the ones that said, I'm never going to be like my parents. And they weren't. They don't drink. You know, but they have problems of their own. You know? They acted out. Dad was a workaholic. And I never knew why he wasn't around. You know. That was because they were paying for a lot of operations because my brother never had insurance. But I never figured that out. You know ? Nobody told me either. all I can remember my dad always telling me is don't make waves I got enough problems with your brother and I don't need any waves from you so I tried not to make waves as much as I could at age 12 I took my first drink went to a party at a friend's house his parents were down in Mexico so they didn't know we were having a party. And they were gone for a week and we tore up the house. But I remember that first drink. The first drink was a bottle of Olympia beer, the little stubbies, and they were cold. And my friend's brother bought them, you know. And we just hung out there all the time. My first drink, I got drunk. I threw up. I went into a blackout and I got in trouble you know and that's how it was for the rest of my drinking I could stop there and there's nothing you know I drank you know I went into a blackout I threw up I passed out and I got in trouble you know from age 12 to about 16 I had a paper route and what I do to get alcohol then was I would deliver papers and if you weren't home I'd go into your house and I'd go steal your booze and most people keep their alcohol in the same little place all the time. It's real easy to find, you know. Most people keep it in that little cupboard above the refrigerator. You know, it wasn't really ever hard to find. So I learned how to steal real early to get what I wanted. That's how I drank between 12 and 18. And I didn't drink every day, but I drank quite often, you knows, at least a couple times a week. I got so lethargic that I didn't even deliver the papers. It was a free kind of paper and it was a voluntary contribution kind of thing, and I'd only give it to people that contributed, that paid for it. I wouldn't give it anybody else. And I'd throw the rest of them in the culvert, you know, in the storm drain. And I used to get caught every winter because it would flood and they got these gates and it would plug up the gates. And I used forget to take the name tag off of the bundle of papers. So I still, you know, I just always got in trouble. You know, at 16 I went to work for my dad at his gas station. He had to get a couple gas stations, and I went to work at his gas station, and I learned how to manipulate there, you know? I went there right after school, and as soon as my dad left, I'd go tell the guys, if you don't buy me some beer, I'm going to tell them that you're ripping them off, and that worked, but I really found out that I never had to do that because they were buying beer as soon as he left anyway. You know? But I thought I was getting over it. I thought I was manipulating, you know, and I did that until 18. At 18 years old, I went into the service. You know, and it's sort of nice to speak today on Veterans Day. You know. I was in the Marine Corps. I was a door gunner on a helicopter helicopter door gunner and crew chief. I spent three years over there. Some of the things I never wanted to tell anybody was I liked it there, you know. I really liked the Marine Corps when I got there. You know, yesterday was the Marine Corps' birthday, and today I'd be really whacked out, you now. But they used to tell me that they started that sucker in a tavern. You now, I used to them that if I had any way of doing it, I'd try to keep it there. I did real good on my first four years in the service. I got promoted to E6 and all that stuff, and not too many troubles. I drank a lot, but I was overseas for three years, so they sort of let that go. They didn't worry about that a lot. And I didn't get into a lot of trouble there. Some of the things that happened over there were a lot of the stuff I drank over. A lot of that stuff was stuff I was never going to tell anybody under extreme torture or death, the stuff I was going to take to the grave with me. One of them was I liked it there. I liked the action. I liked the anxiety, the adrenaline rush. I started smoking heroin at 19 over there. You could buy it for two bucks a pop. Then I started shooting heroin over there, then drinking. I just did everything I could do to stay out of today, to stay mellow, to be bulletproof. I don't know if any of you guys are ever over there but I was bulletproof, you know? I didn't get shot once. I got shot down seven times, but I didn't get shot. And that was a big deal, you know? Um, I was going into a gun run one night and I was drunk and I knew I shouldn't have been flying or shooting a gun. And I shot up 14 of our guys. And after that, uh, every night after that when I closed my eyes, if I wasn't drunk just enough, you now, if didn't pass out, they'd come through my room, you know, and visit and say how come. And I used to hear the radio operator screaming into his mic, you Know, that you're firing into the friendlies, you're firing into their friendlies. I'd hear voices all the time. You know, I didn't know how I was ever gonna get rid of that stuff. Another time I got shot down and everybody died, except me. My pilot lived for a little while and he had a .50 cal in his chest and I put my hand over his mouth because the enemy was looking for us and he quit breathing and I took that guilt and I take the shame. It didn't work for me. So he'd visit me at night. I had to get drunk, you know. I couldn't live with all that stuff that I already did and I was only about 21 years old 22 years old didn't know how to do all that stuff after Vietnam shut down and all that stuff I got back to the states and I wasn't really a real good marine in the states or in country kind of you know I didn't like regimentation. I didn'T like authority. I still don't, you know. I have a hard time with it. But I work on it a lot, you Know. But I didn' t like people telling me what to do all the time and all that stuff. And I had a real illustrious career. I'm going to, You know, I got promoted 28 times, You Know. I got demoted 24 times. I was in the Marine Corps nine and a half years And I got a general discharge out On my last discharge And it was from apathy And I asked them what that meant And they said, you just don't care And I couldn't argue with them Because I didn't You know I got out I came home up to Fremont I was home for a couple weeks, and they suggested that I go over to Palo Alto to do some psychiatric testing. And I went over there, and they introduced me to better living through electricity. So I'm not going to touch this thing. That did real good. You know, that zapped me out for about three days. and just not know what's going on, you know. But it didn't work. It didn't work. I ran away from there. You know, I wasn't going to let them keep me. I cut out. Then I went to work for my dad again, you Know. My dad was sort of an enabler but he was one of them real hard liner guys, you Now. Said I could work there as long as I didn't get drunk. So I only drank on my day off, and he only made sure I only had one day off. If I called in sick, he'd come over to my house and make sure what was wrong. It was fun. I couldn't really get over on him. Then he bought some apartments, and I was managing his apartments and cutting his lawn and working at the station. So I didn't have any days off because he wanted to make sure nothing was going to happen. He was trying to control me in that way, and it just wasn't working, you know? I forgot to tell you that I got married before I went to Vietnam. I always forget to talk about when I got married. Last time I talked, I forgot to talk about my present life. But I got married just before I went to Vietnam. She proposed to me. She said, honey, I'm pregnant. I come back after my first 18 month tour and things weren't going along real well we went to a Halloween party and I found her in bed with another guy and I threw him out a window and I punched her in the face and I just started walking you know it took her another month to kick me out of the house you know I was sort of I thought a bad relationship was better than no relationship and we just didn't have one you know I wavered my overseas control date and went back overseas that's how come I went for you know I was there for three years I was running away I was able to do geographicals in the service real easy after I got out of the service and started working for my dad I got married after I came back from Vietnam the second time I got remarried but before that I met my wife that I have now and we had a little daughter and we were going to get married they were all waiting at the wedding You know, the wedding was all set. They were at the chapel or the church, and everybody was there except me. I was across the street having a couple hooks to get up some courage, you know. And then I said, heck with it, I'm not going to do it. And I turned away and didn't look back, you now. And that was hard. there was another face that used to come and bother me at night me and my dad had a pretty good relationship at work you know after I was there a year I figured it was time for him to retire so I threw a retirement party for him it was a surprise he didn't know anything about it I invited everybody from all the service clubs that he belonged to everybody that he ever knew you know there was like 150 people there and he was retired so I got to run the show I wasn't really capable of doing it but I wanted to. My drinking, I was trying to control then, you know, I was really trying to work at not drinking like I used to drink. I also got involved in the church at that time. You know, I went on a marriage encounter weekend with my second wife. Oh, what's your name number two? You know. And we got real involved in that. You know? And that's when I first heard that God doesn't make junk. That's when I first started feeling like there might be some kind of chance. You know? And people shared things like they share here, but they don't share about drinking. They don't care about, you know, they share about feelings a lot, but I never shared to them about how I really felt because if I told them how I really felt, they'd ask me to leave. You know? If I told them what I had really done, they would ask me leave. It just wasn't really cool. We got into the church and we were doing a marriage prep class. And all of a sudden, We had about six couples at our house, and we were sharing about relationships and troubles in relationships, and a light bulb went off. I said, you know, every time you were in trouble, you were drunk. And I never knew that before. I never figured that out before. But every time I was in trouble I was drunk. So I decided to quit drinking. I went 90 days without a drink at the end of 30 days I went to the sporting goods store and bought a gun you know the next 60 days I played with the bullets you know I drilled them out put mercury in them filed them down made them nice you know my problem was in alcohol my problem is trying to live without taking a drink you know trying to leave out here without drinking I found out that alcohol was my coping skill, you know. And I just couldn't cope. The day I came to my first meeting, you know, the afternoon, it was Valentine's Day around 1979 or 78. I'm not really sure which, you know. I was in my garage and I'm yelling up at God saying it's not getting any better and I just don't understand. you know and I got a gut in my ear and I'm getting ready to pull the trigger what saved me was my dog got out went running out the garage the reason the dog got out was because I couldn't get any flowers and I couldn'T buy any candy so I was going to fix up some stuff around the house so we had a couple doors that needed to get repaired and I ended up ripping them apart you know I mean it's real easy at 250 pounds to walk through a door you know and I did that and that's how my dog got out so I go chasing my dog because the dog is the only thing I really identify with in my whole life that loves me unconditionally you know I can kick him I can hit him I can slap him and I can pat my leg and say come here and he comes there and he licks me in the face you know That's what I know about love at that time. So I go chasing him down the street trying to get him back, but I still got my gun in my hand, and my neighbor is a cop. And he was coming home for lunch. It was about, you know, he had the mid-shift, I guess, and it was about 4 o'clock, you Know, and it Was a cul-de-sac, and there was about 10 kids playing down at the end of the cul-le-sack, and he didn't think that was real cool. You know, he thought I was losing it. You know I just told him I was trying to get my dog. I didn't tell him I was going to try to shoot myself. But he thought I was goingto shoot the dog and I didn' t tell him any different. Because that was better than telling him I was goingt kill myself. At that moment there I found incomprehensible demoralization. I'm laying out in the middle of the street, spread eagle with his gun in my ear, you know, and I changed my mind real quick about suicide. I wanted to live right then. You know, I wanted do it, not him. And all the kids are there. And my kids are there. And I could hear the kids saying, look at your dad. You know? Yeah, and I felt lower than the pavement. He took my gun away and we went into his house and we talked for a while. And then he let me go home. And when I went home, oh what's her name number two called up some people from AA that she knew. And they kept me, you know, they were there when I got home. And they said, I want you to go to an AA meeting with me. I said, I'm not an alcoholic. I haven't had a drink in 90 days. You know? Shit, I was fine then. You know. And, you know, they did that marriage prep class with us too and we used to share a lot and they said do you trust me? I go, yeah I do. They go, you love me and I, I love the guy, you know. as much as I could then. And he goes, I want you to just go as a visitor or as a friend or whatever. I just want youto go. So I went. I got there, you know, and the tables were in a horseshoe, a big horseshoe. And we got there early, and I'm trying to figure things out, you now. I'm always one of them guys that try to analyze things. so I figure they put the alcoholics in the middle and yell at them so I sat up front by the corner over here before I went to the meeting you know, I polished my Cadillac I put on my $300 suit I got down in there and I sat down in one of the chairs and ripped my pants I had a resentment against AA from the start you know but I stayed there for seven days I went to meetings for seven days and they talked about anonymity you know, and I had a couple gas stations so I had a mobile shirt on that had Dave on it so I'd get out into the parking lot and I'd take my shirt off and just go in with a t-shirt and didn't say, I'm Dave. I'm an alcoholic. I don't know how you thought, but that's sort of weird to me today. But I stayed there for seven days and I tried to figure out what the secret was and they always talked about the steps and they had these little place cards with the steps on them. So I took that home. Every night I took it home. But at the end of seven days, I figured, shit, I don't need to go to a meeting. I can just change the words on here. Where it says we, I can put me. And where it says us, I could put myself and all that stuff and make it all singular instead of plural. And I tried that. And I drank again in probably about two months, I guess. I don' t know. All that time sort of goes. It' s real vague. time sort of goes by real quick but I remember thinking when I was back drinking again I remember thinking when's the last time you felt better and what were you doing and I had to tell myself I was going to them god damn AA meetings and I hated that but I went back and I didn't go back to the same fellowship I went to to start with though because I figured I let them guys down and they couldn't help me anymore so I went into another fellowship and over there they had this sign above the door that said when all else fails follow directions you know and they had some of the mean guys from AA in there them guys with 12 and 15 years you know the ones that look right through me and tell me that I was here for a short time because I wasn't getting honest and I wasn' doing what I was supposed to do I went to meetings and I shared around the table like everybody else did they told me to buy a big book, I bought one they toldme to get some phone numbers, I got some they toldmetegetasponsor, Igotone and I got drunk I came back in they pointed to that same sign again it said when all else fails follow directions this Irish guy got in my face real mean guy he said I know you got a big book did you ever read it no I would always hang my head down at those times you know did I know you got phone numbers did you ever call anybody and I said no did I know you asked a guy to be your sponsor did you ever talk to him I said no and then he'd say something that really hurt you didn't want to stay sober too bad did you god and that sort of pierced through my heart you know I sort of you know I was at that point where I really wanted to want to have it you know, I really wanted it but I didn't really understand what it was and I didn' t know how to get it I didn''t know how to let go surrender in February then was a dirty word you know I didn ''t know I was already on the enemy side and I needed to surrender to a power greater than myself you know I stuck around for 10 more months going to meetings reading the book a little bit calling my sponsor every once in a while doing stuff real marginal you know and I wanted to run away from home and I couldn't tell anybody that and I got drunk again what I did with that drunk is I went up to the bar that was up by our house, and my kids were going to the Catholic school that was right across the street from the bar. And I waved bye-bye to them through the barroom window with no intentions of ever coming back home. And I didn't know where I was going. Started walking down the street and the priest was out there watering his grass And we've become pretty good friends, you know. And he said, hi Dave. And I flipped him off. Priests don't like it when you flip them off. He come across the street and took me into his office and said, let's have a talk. And I really wasn't in any... I didn't want to talk. But I was, you could lead me anywhere by then. And I just, I'll go talk to this guy to get him off my back and then I'll do what I need to do. But he reminded me of when I felt better and what I was doing because I forgot. He told me, you know, you were doing a lot better when you were going to AA. And since you don't have any place else to go, Why don't you try that just one more time? You know, that was my last bad day in sobriety or in drunkenness. That was March 9th, 1982. That was my first drunk. I went to a meeting, you know, and I heard things a little different. And, you know, there's still the same guys there pointing to that dumb sign when all else fails, follow directions. And the guys were still telling me he didn't want to stay sober too bad, you know. And I still felt like they were looking right through me. But I started going and I started listening different. I started reading the big book a paragraph at a time, just a paragraph a day. I started calling my sponsor once a day. And that was hard to do, you know, for me. I'd call them up and say, hi, this is Dave. I'm just checking in. Bye. I was always afraid somebody was going to yell at me, you know. I was also afraid somebody would yell at us. I was never always afraid someone was going to put me in my place. I just kept coming back, you know. They didn't tell me about nothing about 90 meetings in 90 days. They told me if I drank every day to go to a meeting every day, you know? And I did that. And I read the book and I called other people. Then I got around three months and he told me to start shaking newcomers' hands when they came in the door, you know and I started doing that and I wasn't sure what was really happening in my life you know but things were changing it was a whole different kind of AA then you know I guess I let go then looking back on it I know that I had to concede to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic and I finally did that my life's a mess you know my life is unmanageable going into step two step two was easy for me to do because I could just look around the room and see that it was working for you guys and if it was going to work for you guys it was gonna work for me you know because there was another friend of mine there that was going in and out the same time I was, you know? It seemed like when I was in, he was out. And when I wasn't, I was out again. When I was outside, he wasn't in. And he stayed in, you now? But I saw that it worked with you guys. So why wouldn't it work for me? I just had to try. And I had a real hard time with step three. real hard time with step three I thought I'm supposed to turn my will and life over to God immediately wholeheartedly all at once that's it you know and I found out that I just gotta be willing to have that willingness and the door opens and God comes into my heart you know what my sponsor really told me about step three. He said, made a decision to turn your will and life over to care of AA as you understand it. You know? He said do the fourth step. Get into action. And he gave me a deadline. You know, I hated that guy for doing that. I wanted to procrastinate like everybody else did. You know? Well, he hadn't done his yet. They haven't done theirs yet. He goes, you got two weeks. And I did the best job I could then. You know? And I talked about that stuff, you know? I talked about liking Vietnam. I talked about killing those guys. Another little trick I did while I was overseas in Japan on August 8th. I don't know, they have a big ceremony over there at Hiroshima Park. It's a big memorial. That's when we dropped the A-bomb on them. And it was 1976 and I'm out behind this big statue monument deal and I am cranking up this siren and yelling air raid, air raid. You know? It's another thing I had to write down. It sounded like a really great idea at midnight the night before that, you know? Really did. But I know today that that's sick, you Know? That was part of my sick behavior. I didn't like telling people about me and things that I did wrong you know I didn'y like telling them about ripping my old man off for 25 grand you know and putting him out of business all together it got to where I didn''t have a job there either I embezzled it I hid it in inventory how I got caught was I was supposed to have a whole load of gas in two stations and there wasn't any and there was no money in the bank and he come down to do an inventory and then I confessed that's how I always did it if I'm getting close to getting caught then I'll confess but if I feel like I'm skating I won't You know, and I started stealing the money just like I started drinking. You know? I got into a $250 pyramid to start with. I didn't have the money in my pocket, so I took it out of the till. I thought I'd get it all back. I didnít win nothing. But I didní't get caught. You know that was a big thing in my life. You know if I didníd get caught, I tried it again. I tried It again. I always tried it again, you know. I was a daily drinker. I drank every day. I passed out at night. I woke up, tried to choke a couple more down so I can go back to sleep. That's how I did it, you now. I shared my fifth step twice. I did it once with the priest that was a real loving person in my life you know and it felt really great to do that but he died about a year after that you know and I felt like I had to do it with somebody else I felt like somebody living had to know what I did so I did it with my sponsor the big deal with that was he shared his back with me and the difference in the two was like a thousand percent I'd never changed doing either one but you know it was really neat I cried a lot I didn't like what I had become You know One of the problems with me in early recovery Was there was a lot of emotional pain A lot of mental distress Things weren't going well You know Things like the lawn mower wouldn't start Things like The window wouldn't shut And I'd trip out over all that stuff The car wouldn't stop The car would have a flat tire That was for immediate suicide right there, you know. I got divorced from, oh, what's-her-name number two, and I met. I'm getting a little bit ahead. You know, steps six and seven for me were sort of difficult. You know, I looked at them as my defects of character As on who I was and what I was And I looked to the shortcomings as the action that I took When I was in that defect of character The negative action So I tried not to do that And that's what I gave to God I found that I couldn't give anything to God Except my feelings and emotions I got a divorce in that time and I tried to give my kids to God and they were still down in Huntington Beach they didn't go nowhere but I gave them my feelings of insecurity and fear and frustration my divorce was probably the hardest thing that happened to me in sobriety emotionally it just didn't work she didn't like me sober I don't think she liked me when I was drunk either we stuck around together too long but it was an 11 year marriage in 6 of those years I was overseas and the last 5 I was home and it didn't walk out she did things to me in that divorce that really hurt me emotionally. She told the judge or told the mediator that I molested my kids so she could get custody of my kids. And I'm feeling real guilty like how many is going to believe her? And who's nobody is going to believe me, you know? I'm an alcoholic. Nobody is ever going to believe me. I have nothing to stand up, you know. So for a long time I had real hard visitation. It was always, I could never see them by themselves. Somebody else had to be there, either my parents or, oh, what's-her-name number two, you know. But I got through that because I came to a lot of meetings and I shared a lot what was going on with me at the time. You know, I shared about them fears. I shared how hurt I was. I shared the insecurities. I shared about the shame. I shared about being a failure again because I really felt like a failure. You know? I shared about feeling like I lost my higher power when I got divorced and I was the one that shut them off but I shared about that and people supported me you know? That's what the group's all about. Somebody has always taken time out for me when I needed it. Always has, as long as I asked for it. If nobody knew that I needed to talk, nobody did anything. But if I ever asked for some time, somebody always gave it to me. I got into my eight step list and I listed them people that I killed and I had two prisoners that I murdered too while I was over there that I didn't tell about we were transported somewhere some friends got killed a couple days before that and I just took it out on them and I shot them while they were handcuffed and I was real cold about that and that's the kind of person I was I listed them guys on the list you know I listed my wife now that I'm married to on the lista because I knew she had my baby we went through paternity suits for a long time and I kept denying them I listed my daughter on the list that I had never seen for 10 years, that I'd never even met. And then it got time to start making amends. And that's a real important part of this program for me. You know, I got back to work. I had a job where I could pay my dad $1,000 a month. and I did that for 25 months, and I paid him off. I wrote Sharon a letter, and I wrote my daughter a letter and I put it into her letter to see if she wanted to give it to my daughter. And I told her about me a little bit, you know, that I was an alcoholic and I probably made a lot of excuses in there, but I was trying the best that I could to make amends, you know. and she gave it to my daughter and then me and my daughter started writing back and forth and that was a real neat deal you know then came the time when I was supposed to go down and visit and I was scared to death I was as scared as I was when I first got up here you know but I met my daughter and it was real uncomfortable at first I kept on waiting for that where you been how come you never wrote how come he never even acknowledged me you know and finally she said it she said where you've been and I just cried then she started to tickle me and I tickled her And that's how our relationship started, you know. Then I'd go down to L.A. and visit them a couple times a month or once a month. And I made amends to her mom, you Know, for not showing up at the wedding. She went through a lot of hell with her parents over that, you Now. And we started dating again. And four years ago, we got married, finally. You know? I got married sober. I didn't get the question of honey, you know, I mean, I didnít get proposed to. It wasnít, ìHoney, Iím pregnant,î you know. I proposed to her and we got married and it was one of them AA weddings and it Was neat, you Know. It Was really neat. I try to do a 10 step every day I visualize a 10th step as having a dirty house and sweeping it up every day and having little piles I do a lot of visualization in my mind you know and if I let it go too long I got this great big mountain in there and it's harder to do so I keep doing that And, you know, some days I slack off. I'm not perfect. But I really try to do that because it's real important. I try to make amends when I'm wrong, you Know. I found another thing too when I was making amends instead of saying I was sorry was better for me to say I was wrong. That worked a lot better. People took that a lot besser. You know A couple years ago I went down and I talked to old What's your name number two And we talked for about three and a half hours And I made amends And I left feeling Pretty good about that You know I have a little bit more visitation Than I used to sometimes and that was all part of the 10th step for me you know, the 10 step for me is clearing away the wreckage of my present because I have a lot of wreckage of the present because I'm still living and that counts you know it counts on prayer and meditation for me I have I've never really had a hard time since I got in here after the first year with prayer and meditation you know I learned real early on in the program after I got in here the last time they drug me off to a retreat with about six months sober up in the Los Gatos Hills and we did a lot of that stuff up there You know, we did a lot of sharing back and forth. And retreats have been a major part of my sobriety. A major part of my inner peace. There was this guy from Fresno that was doing this retreat last year and he was talking about a journey from fear to faith. And it really made a lot sense. I have to trust God but I'm still going to have some fear and I'm still goingto have some faith and I am going to be in between all the time meditation I do meditations in different ways sometimes I meditate at a meeting or I try to listen with my heart instead of with my head and hear what people are really sharing. Sometimes I do visualizations. Sometimes I listen to music. There's all different kinds of meditations for me that I do, and it depends on what kind of spot I'm in and on what type of meditation I'm going to do. And it's really important for me because things haven't been going real good lately, you know. The last two years I've been having convulsions, seizures, grandma seizures. About three a week, sometimes gets up to one a day. About seven months ago, they found a brain tumor. And I didn't know how to handle that, except for what you taught me. Instead of taking a drink, use my new coping skill. And the coping skill was the steps. And I was powerless over alcohol and my seizures and the tumor. And it makes my life unmanageable. and I went right down through the steps on all of that I haven't been working in two years I had a little job for about six months that was part time but really you know I havenít worked a whole lot but what I have been able to do is Iíve been able to devote a lot of time to Alcoholics Anonymous Iíve Been Available A Lot For People That Are Trying To Recover I've been involved in HNI I'm on the answering service I chair a couple meetings I'm a GSR you know maybe I do things too much and I feel compulsive but I have a lot of time you know and I need to feel useful and I sponsor a couple guys and the phone's always ringing at home and there's always people coming in and out of the house. And I found out why, you know, because I can't be lonely. People come in there to help me as much as I try to help them. It's always been a two-way street. I found that I take time out for them like somebody used to take time out for me. And it really works. You know, that's when the program really started kicking off for me is when I started really getting into the 12-step work. And I did that really early on, but it's really helped me out this last couple of years immensely. One of the things I hated most about these seizures is not driving because I used to drive all over to place. I put 2,000 miles on my car a month just for meetings, you know? And I couldn't drive. And my wife would take me to the hospital and I just couldn't handle it. I'd be yelling and screaming at her that she couldn't drive right, watch out for this, all this kind of stuff, instead of telling her that I really miss driving. And it hurts, you know. We got through that. For a long time, she made me sit in the back seat. Not really. I sat in the backseat because that's where I needed to be. You know. But we got through that I've gotten through every little obstacle in sobriety that's happened so far, you know. I found out that things are not crises anymore. I don't have crises in my life. I have events. Some of them are minor. Most of them were minor. A couple of them major. But they're just events. They're nothing I have to really go crazy on. You know, I haven't gone crazy in a long time. And I used to. You know I'm the kind of guy that used to punch holes through walls, beat up my wives, beat up my kids, you know. Kicked my car because it quit running. I did that once when we were going to a Monterey conference. It quit in Santa Cruz and I went around kicking it. Then I called up a tow truck and then I called up another guy that was at the conference and we went to the conference and my car went home. I'm not really stable all the time but I'm trying the best I can today and that's a big deal in my life. Sobriety to me and serenity to me today means a lot more than it did seven years ago. You know, sobriety seven years ago meant going 12 hours without a drink. Sobriety today means that peace of heart, you know, that loving compassion, that love and service for somebody else, that care and concern, being willing to help somebody no matter who they are, you now. I go on a lot of 12 step calls the guys I sponsor I drive them crazy because I call them up and say we're going you know but I still get where I need to go I still get to help people and it's great you know I was real nervous about being here today really was but today I feel right now I feel real content and peaceful you know I just got vulnerable with you guys and let you know who I am and that's what I'm supposed to do because that's what this program is about is sharing one human being to another and I want to thank you very much I wantto thank the committee again for asking me to come up here I wanto thank you for calling on me and I thought weren't those bagpipes great that was neat gave me a couple extra minutes of terror though but thank you for letting me share