Step 2 and the Willingness to Believe in the Magic – Amy D.

Good morning. Thank you guys for being here. These are the five percenters, right? They get up early and show up. I'm Amy Spain Duncan. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, guys. We're just going to start this off. We're going to need God this morning so we can start this out with a serenity prayer. god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change the courage to change the things that i can and the wisdom to know the difference so um the good speakers aren't here yet so jason and i were asked to do the workshop don't worry amy was asked to doing the workshop i'm just sitting up here and make her look better i yeah i didn't want to do it alone i was like yeah i'll do that, and so will Jason. Because we get voluntoed in Alcoholics Anonymous quite often, but I was brought up, I was trained to say yes. And by doing so, I have entered the fourth dimension. It's through my willingness to be inconvenienced. It' s through my willingness to sit with the new man. It''s through my willingness to move a chair. It is through my willingness to do the things that don't make sense. When I got sober, my Friday date It was March 6, 2010, and I had big problems. I was homeless. I was estranged from my family. I was unemployable. I had little control of my emotional nature. I was bedeviled. It talks about on page 52 in our literature. And I had Big Problems, and then I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because you seemed to be happy. You seemed to laugh, andI hadn't laughed in a long time. My world was very gray, and it was a very hostile world that I lived in. I had my dukes up most of the time. But I knew you were on to something, and I wanted what you had. And I thought there was going to be, I don't know, a master class or a secret handshake or an anointing of oil, some kind of voodoo that would make me like you. And they would say, I want you to stand by that door and shake hands with everybody that comes in. And I think, well, how's that going to help? Fine. Or I want You to set up those chairs. And I always say I was so crazy when I got here. I would set up the chairs, and then they would assign an older member to come fix the chairs I'd set up. But they would stay a little bit behind me, so it wasn't obvious that everything I did had to be redone. And they let me do it. And OutGlocks Anonymous has just always been very patient with me. And it was the only place I wasn't in trouble. I've been in trouble since I was seven years old. I'm the kid that talks too much. I get moved to the front of the class. Mari G., one of my favorite speakers, said, I always knew something was wrong with me because people always said, Something's wrong with you. And I identified. I thought, Me too. That's what they said to me. And I got here and you guys were speaking a language I understood. The primary purpose is very important to me and it's near and dear to my heart. I was visiting Alcoholics Anonymous for many years before I got the sobriety date that I can stand on, You know, the one I have today. And in my desperation and in my darkness, I would climb in, you know, the back room of an AA meeting and say, you were nice and you smelled good and you didn't tell me to leave. So I'd hang out with you guys. And I remember one morning I was at a discussion meeting and the lady raised her hand to share and she had a real tough situation. She had bought a second home. she wasn't sure which one to decorate for Christmas and I remember thinking I'm going to die they don't have the problems I have my next thought was can I get an address for one of those maybe it could help you with that abundance of housing you have because I didn't have any So it's important to me that when we walk into alcoholics and us, when the new man arrives, that we're talking about alcohol and alcoholism and the solution to that. And years ago you weren't in Louisville where I'm from. Newcomers weren't allowed at discussion meetings without their sponsor. In the read I asked my sponsor one time, I was like why can't I go to a discussion meeting? She said well at a speaker meeting you're going to hear from one a-hole. But at a discussion meet you could hear from 12 to 16. and you're easily confused so without supervision we're gonna stick to the speaker meetings you know and I remember the first discussion meeting she took us to the lady went on she had decided to make perfume and she it was a long story about the perfume and gathering this stuff and her mind says she went on and on seemed like an eternity at the end of the story she drank because perfumes made with alcohol and she had alcohol and she drank and it was very detailed and I was easily confused and I was trying to pay attention and we get to the car my sponsor looks at me she said what did you learn I said don't make perfume she's a very good that's all we're gonna take from that meeting so you guys are in that kind of situation this morning is what I'm saying and um I hope your sponsors with you and if not don't make perfume um and uh jason and i were talking about what we were going to do this morning and i think in that primary purpose i was asking questions what are we talking about we don't know there's no hey this is the plan we're gonna have she said we'll figure it out we'll fit we're gonna wing it um but i think you can never go wrong right again speaking to the primary purpose that we talk about alcohol and alcoholism because that's why we're here today and and And this weekend, and that's why we do the things we do, we gather the fellowship is designed to carry this message. You know, that's Why We Get Together is to support one another and when the new man arrives that we have a message of hope that we can deliver to him. And to do that it has to be about alcohol and alcoholism because that's who we are, that'S our primary purpose and that'S what we do. So I was looking at more about alcoholism where step one is found in our big book and conceding to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. And it speaks to no one likes to think they are bodily or mentally different than their fellows. This thing about alcoholism is it tells me that I'm okay, and it's speaking in my own voice. It sounds just like me. And so I can believe that. I think that's true. and we can convince ourselves through every form of self-deception that alcohol is not our problem. My dad used to say, if it's not a big deal, why is it such a big thing? It's such a huge deal because I'll tell you that it's the job, it's the man, it' s the teachers, it is the coaches, it is the situation but it can't be the booze because what happens if you take away the booze, and I will protect it. Carla Roll says it's the longest love affair I ever had. The longest relationship I've ever been in was with alcohol, and it was the one thing that I would pay the ultimate price for. If the drink cost me that job, I'll get a new job. If the cost of the drink was a relationship, I'd get a relationship. If it cost me a job, I'll have a new relationship. It just gets higher and higher and I don't notice it, and I just keep taking the drink from the bartender. They keep sliding it over, and I keep being willing to pay the price of the drink. For me, the priceof the drink ultimately was the annihilation of all things worthwhile. And when you're crushed, and the book talks about that self-imposed crisis and the reality that I've done this, that it wasn't your fault, that I made every decision that brought me here, that I paid every price the drink demanded. And at the end of all things, I'm hopeless and I'm helpless and I don't know where to turn. And so I walk into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. We get sober. We get a few 24 hours. We get better jobs and we get better – sometimes we buy two homes. Life starts getting better, but I think it's important that we never forget the condition in which I arrived because that's the condition that the newcomer is going to identify with. That's where I can be of service. If I get too concerned with two homes or material things or what my friends are doing, I'm going to lose sight of the man that walked in that's sitting there frightened and alone, and I never want to lose the eyes that see him or her and the ears that hear his struggles and the ability to identify with that man because it's in that early identification, right? That's when we fall in love with Alcoholics Anonymous, that I'm not in trouble here and that you are like me, finally, people who understand. And so I think we can get off base from that. I think about me all the time, so it's hard for me to think about you, right? Because I'm always thinking about me. But if I can get to that place where I remember that struggle, in Louisville we say I keep my past right here so I don't ever forget. The book says that we cannot pull into our memory, you know, with enough force the pain or misery of a week or a month ago. And I hope that never happens for me. I hope I never forget what it felt like on March 6, 2010, given the gift of desperation, the willingness to do whatever you said to do, even if it didn't make sense to me. I'd cease fighting, you now. I didn't do that. I hadn't read this book. I hadn'T worked a step. You know, I always say grace will cover the spread. Because when we get here, how did I get the first white chip? How did I make it to 30 days? I haven't gone through the steps. I don't know Wally P. I haven'T looked up Walter Hagan. I don'T know what you guys are talking about. But somehow, like Jason was talking about last night, I say, please help, thank you. And I come to your meetings and I'm okay for a little while until I can get that permanent sobriety set in. So when we catch them in that grace, are we meeting them with love and understanding? Are we offering identification and a hand? I never want to be separate from you. Because in that, the ego wants me to be separated. And that's where I'll die is when I'm not like you and you're not like me anymore. Jason? I don't even know what the hell you talked about. I don' t either. It's fine. First step, identification. they didn't hear you either, obviously. My name is Jason Johnson. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Jason. Man, is there anybody brand new out here with less than 30 days? Welcome to Alcoholics Unlocked. I wouldn't judge this workshop on AA. You know what I mean? I would just hang in there. Hey, I guess we're talking about step one, two, and three, you know? And for me, when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous the first time, I got here, I shared last night, I got here, I didn't mean to come to AA. It was the last thing in my book. I didn' t really think I had a drink and drug problem. I just thought I had to run a bad luck, right? And what I did is I came in here and my life started getting better, right. I wasn' t doing anything. I was going to meetings and I was hearing people say do this, do this steps but I didn''t need to because my life was getting better. When I quit putting alcohol into my body, why would I have to do the work right and I came in here and I did I was like that for the first three years I didn't get a sponsor right and the only reason I got that sponsor is because I was trying to resign right and and that was no there was no intention in that right and so I got into that and I started doing this but I'm here to tell you I didnít understand the big book when the big book they would read the bigbook I would just yawn right I would think about fishing I think about golfing I think whenís this going to be over and I never really bought into this deal So, and then when I relapsed, you know, is when I got locked up by myself. It was the first time I realized, I started to remember sitting, I remember at my lowest point after I relapse, sitting on a bus bench on the side of a busy street and when the bus would come, I'd get up and I'd walk around the block and I come back and I sit on that bench because I had nowhere to go, right? And I remember sitting on that bus bench and I see cars parked and I look at them and I think, what's it feel like to be normal? What does it feel like to not have to put something in your body every single day just to be alive, right? And I didn't realize then that that was my alcoholism, right. I could justify and rationalize that. And I got to that scary point, you know. And those are the things I thought about when I was laying in that bunk. I'd get on my knees and I'd say that prayer and I would get back on that bunk and if I got any kind of relief or I started anything, I started seeing clarity. And when I got out of that thing, I went to a – look, these guys, I don't know if they have H&I here. They probably have H & I in Arkansas. They call it something else. They call het just service work? Corrections and treatment and corrections. All right, one of those things. Well, these old guys kept showing up at my jail, right? And they invited me to AA. And they said, you need to come to our meeting. It's a noon meeting when you get out of jail. So I got on a bus, and I rode three hours on abus to go to this meeting. And I went into this meeting and I gave my opinion on the jail system, right? Come to find out there was three judges in there, two attorneys, and the chief of police for Gresham, right, and I just thought, oh, my God, I'm in the wrong spot, right. But I remember leaving that meeting, running to the bus stop, and one of these guys, Lenny Z., pulled me over and said, hey, Kate, come here. And I came back and I started talking to him. And, you know, he told me to keep coming back. And we started doing things. He goes, hey, we're going to Olive Garden. You want to go? And I was like, yeah. You know, I had no money and I was on the bus. And so I got on thebus and I took the bus to Olive Garden. I got there like 45 minutes later and they're like, we've already ordered. And I'm like, well, I just got here. And they realized that I took a bus. So every Wednesday I would get to that meeting. They would drive me to Olive Garden and they would drive me home another 45 minutes to the other direction. And they never asked me for anything, right? And so what happened is I started believing in these guys, right. And they started pointing out stuff, and I could feel that emotion of that desperation where I just had nothing in my body. And I didn't think I'd ever get normal, right? And these guys loved me. But this one guy read this thing more about alcoholism, and this is what changed my program. He said then this guy, he stopped drinking when he was like 30, 35 years old, right. It's in the big book more about alkalism. And he started drinking when she was 55 again, and his life fell apart. And he says, then, gathering all his forces, he attempted to stop altogether and found he could not. Every means of solving his problem, which money could buy, was at his disposal. Every attempt failed. Though a robust man at retirement, he went to pieces quickly, and he was dead in four years. This case contains a powerful lesson. Most of us believe that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could therefore drink normally. But here is a man at 55 years found he was just where he left off when he was 30. We have seen it, this truth demonstrated again and again, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. Commencing to drink after a period of sobriety, we are in a short time as bad as ever. If we are planning to stop drinking, we must have no reservation of any kind nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol. And this old guy that I hung out with, he would stop stuff and ask you questions. I don't know if you guys have those kinds of people here where they like either want to look up a word or whatever. And he said, Jason, what's the most important part that you read there? And I was like, man, once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic? He's like, no. And I said, well, he had all the money in the world and he still couldn't stay sober. He goes, no, that's not it. It's like man, I don't know. He goes he's dead. Right? He said he's effing dead. Right? And that was the first time that I realized that alcoholism in my head can kill you. Right? Up to that point, I just thought alcohol made me better. And what I learned in that situation right there is alcoholism can kill me. And what I did is I just got involved, you know. I became a greeter, you know, and then I was so enthusiastic as a greter, they fired me, right? I guess I overshot the mark, you know, I was telling people how to greet, how to hug. And so my next job, yeah. And I think they just made up jobs, right. I never, I was a treasurer once and that kind of, you know, the raffle stealing, the raffle money kind of blackballs you from those kinds of things. but my next job in AA was if anybody in my home group end up in the hospital or their families or friends ended up in a hospital my job was to go there didn't matter what time of night my job is they go there and represent Alcoholics Anonymous and sit there and be patient and listen you know and somehow I made that a big deal about myself and finally my sponsor said you're not going there because you got any wisdom or you're a doctor you're going there in case Does anybody need somebody to yell at or hit? Yeah. Right? That's your job. And those are the things I started doing. And when I was doing these things, I didn't know that's the deal, right? I thought as long as I didnít put alcohol in my body, I was winning. And what Alcoholics Anonymous did for me is I found out I was powerless over this disease and I was giving everything away and all I had to do was start helping other people. You know what I mean? And start showing up and start being present. So those days that when I sit on that bus bench It's wishing I had 50 cents for a hamburger. I don't have to live like that anymore, and I have the ability today to remember that, and it doesn't hurt me as bad, right? You know, the relationships I had with my daughter, you know, we talked about I came into Alcoholics Anonymous, and, I don' t know, is anybody still pissed off when they got here, right ? I'm not a good dad, right, and I tried, right. My daughter was like eight years old. I remember I tell this story. My daugther was like 8 years old, and And I just started hanging out with John and doing this thing and stuff like that. And, man, my daughter was a lot of work, and her friends there are a lot of work. So there's these little girls running around my house screaming and doing whatever little kids do, but it just frustrated me, right? And I was in that dry drunk stage, right, I guess, or whatever you were. I just didn't have any solution, and I yelled at them so bad they went and hid in a closet, and they called Cody's mom to come get them because they were scared of me you know and I'm sober thinking I'm doing alcoholics anonymous and so my wife had to call Cody's mom back and explain to her it was a misunderstanding Jason's just an ass blah blah blah right and so she said you need to do something about that and then so I went to my spot we have a sponsorship meeting once a month where everybody it's in the sponsorship line it's like a click right and it is a click read it isn't what kind of like a clique it is it click right we go there and we discuss everything you can talk about at this meeting that you can't talk about in AA, right? Because in this group, you're like, everything's structured. So I go there and I tell these guys, I don't know how to be a father. You know what I mean? I quit drinking. I'm still taking the same actions I take when I put alcohol on my body. What do I do? And this guy, Larry, who I can't, well, I kind of like him now, but I used to couldn't stand him, right. He goes, I know what you do. And this is one of those meetings where they give you feedback, right, stay away from those. Sometimes they hurt you, right? He goes, I know what you do. I go, okay, Larry, what's that? He says, man, every time we go to an AA event, the first thing my kids ask is, is Jason going to be there? And the reason they ask that is because every time you see them, you hug them, You make sure they're fed, you make sure they're entertaining, and you tell them you love them. So when you're having a problem with baby, why don't you start treating her like you're babysitting my kids? I was like, that's stupid. That's got to be, so I started doing it, right. Flash forward, like my daughter was 15 and she was having a slumber party at our house and you know it's like two o'clock in the morning and Julie wakes me up says hey they're making a lot of noise you need to go make him quiet down I said I didn't invite any of them here none of my problem right I don't care I was sleeping just fine so I went back to sleep and it doesn't work like that in my family Amy knows why open so she hits me so I get up and now I'm pissed off right cuz it's like 2 o'clock in the more not sleeping and so the dog and I go in that room. We open up the door, man, and they have the radio blast and the TV's on in a room. They're all texting, they're jumping around, they'RE giggling. It's a disaster, right? So I do what every good member of Alcoholics Anonymous does. I laid into them, right. I called them names. I told them certain things. I yelled at them. They'RE just scared looking at me. I told him they need to shut all this stuff off and go to bed. And I shut that light off and I closed that door and I went back to my bed and I could hear them guys' voice in AA saying, is that how you treat anybody's kids. Are you a member of Alcoholics Anonymous or are you just not drinking? So I got up, right, and I went back and I opened up the door. The dog went with me again and we opened upthe door and they were just all staring there looking at me, right? I said, man, I'm sorry. I said, what we need to do is we just need to turn the TV down, turn the lights down. You guys have got to be a little bit more quiet because you're making Julie really mad, right?" And we all laughed, right. But here's the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And so when I went to leave that room, I went to close that door, that little girl, Cody, who's my daughter's best friend, said, I told you guys he would come back and apologize. Right? Today, on Father's Day and my birthday, there was like eight girls in there, five of them called me every holiday and wished me happy birthday and told me that they loved me. I didn't know that's what I was missing in AlcoholicsAnonymous, right? I thought I was just powerless over alcohol and alcohol was my problem. What I realized today is Alcohol is a solution to my problem, right? When I got into those places, I would be able to drink and not show up. I'd be ableto drink andnot do those kinds of things. And what happenedis I came in here and you people started loving me, right, when I didn't want to be loved. You know,you hear those things all the time. Well,love you till you can love yourself. And you're like... I didn' t mean to do that, but I didn''t want it on record. What I did is I gave the peace sign so everybody knows and Amy doesn't rat me out here in a sec. But that's what Alcoholics Anonymous is. Step one for me is I know what my bottom was. When I became willing to admit to my innermost self and I was able to look at those demons and look at the situations, I was ables to start taking this process of getting healed, right? And let me tell you, it's not one of these things. If you came in here and you're done drinking, you haven't drank since then, my hat's off to you if you don't know how to do a dang thing. I have a guy who comes to a meeting. He's got probably 20 years of sobriety. He doesn't do anything, right, and sometimes I look at him. I say, man, Jack, you've got to be the meanest person in AA. But what he's doing is just like we were talking about today. Amy and I are the kinds of people that sponsor people that the reason they ask us is some days we show them what to do and some days we show him what not to do. And they're both equally as important. And what Jack does today is he sits in a meeting of alcoholics with me at noon every day, and I get to see what alcoholism is when you don't try to take a solution. And that's why we're here today to push. If you're in here and you're new or you're struggling, man get in the middle right try to try to find something that uh you can believe in right and the amazing thing is i came in here wanting to die right and i just didn't have the guts to kill myself right or i'd have a plan to kill myself and i would start drinking and i wake up and i'd be well that didn't go over really well right i'm the kind of guy that they always make fun of me I'm the kind of guy that roofies himself, right? I know it sounds bad, especially when that came up. I was doing a 12-step with my pastor. And the guy that we were 12-stepping, his family goes, well, does he do anything wrong? He looks like a cop. My pastor's like, he roofies himself. I'm like, why would you say that? Where did that come from? Was that God-led? You know what I mean? And then I started thinking, Jesus, I kind of did. Right? But what you do is if you get in here and you can admit to your innermost self, you don't have to admit it to anybody else. And people can tell you an alcoholic. People can tellyou, hey, you have a problem. Until I was willing to admit to my innermmost self, I didn't start feeling the miracle, right? And I'm here to tell you it doesn't come right away, some people. Some people it does, and some people we just drag along. So I don't know what the hell we're supposed to be talking about. You did great. All right, but I'm done. Okay. I thought you did well. All right, thank you. I appreciate that. We're winging it. We're winging it. But while Jason was talking, of course, I was thinking about me and not really listening to Jason because that's how my brain works. But what I wanted to kind of touch on that he was talking about is truly, Jason and I are goofballs, man. Like we are what not to do most of the time. But one thing that we do pretty well is service. my friend Ralph says come all the way in and sit all the way down, and until I come all they way in, and sit all the day down I may quit drinking but I'm not going to have that psychic change I'm no going to be able to let go of old ideas and old beliefs root and branch I'm still going to hang on to that because I think if I just quit drinking everything will be ok and that's what I thought if I can just quit drinking, if I can just quite drinking. I was at a conference last spring and one of the speakers said AA is the greatest bait and switch in the world. It's like you've really got a drinking problem. You should quit drinking. Drinking is really destroying your life. We agree. Like yeah, yeah, I gotta quit drinking I should quit drinkin'. Good idea, I'm going to quit drinking Then we get you a little further in the door and we're like but you're going to need help. You're going to need help from a higher power. They're like, oh, okay, I'll get some help, you know, step two, willing to believe. Okay, I've got a drinking problem. I'm going to needs some help. All right, let's get rid of this drinking problem, let' get this higher power, let''s get rid of that. It's like, yeah, great. Okay, now that you're in the door a little bit and we know you have a drinking problem and you're going need a higher power, we've got some unfortunate news. The problem is you. alcohol is but a symptom but we got to get you in first right we got to get in the chair before we spring load that on you that you're the problem crushed by self-imposed crisis your selfish self-centered you got to be rid of it or you're going to die you know i love that and and so that's where we get to when i've come all the way in this realization that i have to change but i only change when it bothers me i don't change when it bothers you i don't i change when it bothers me and so when i yell at the kids or um all right i was with natalie my incredible host this weekend we were talking about you know people getting road rage and flipping you off and she was like you know when people do she's very sweet so when people do that to me i just wave at them and i i said well one time i was at a stoplight and i literally looked for something to throw at the other driver and i got more enraged that there wasn't like a mason jar in my car. Because that's who I am without you. I'm full of rage and self-righteous indignation. I always say, you know, I talk real loud, I step towards you, I point my finger and I furrow my brow so you know that I'm right and you're wrong and that's what right looks like to me. And I'm a bully and I'm an intimidator. I learned this in a step. So trying to figure out what is wrong with me, like I said, you know, people have been asking me, what's wrong with you forever? I have no idea why I do the absurd and tragic things that I do. You know, I don't know when I promised those kids that I'd be back that I can't make it back. I don'T know why I can'T show up. I DON'T know why I fall into this delusion that I'll just do one, you know, and somehow this time will be different. You know, the insanity of the alcoholic thinking. So when I got here, I didn't bring a lot for you guys to work with. And I was real prickly. You know, a lady said the one word to describe me when I first arrived was unapproachable. And i said, I did that on purpose. That wasn't accidental. Like that's my message. Get back. Stay away. And that's who I am because of that hostile world I lived in and I didn't, and just keeping you away from me was what I needed to do. It kept you safe and it kept me safe and stay away from you and allowing other people in and allowing the softness and watching you guys operate differently and it seemed to work because you couldn't convince me early on and in my cup when I was in my cup that being nice would get you anywhere like I don't I live in a get or be got world it's survival of the fittest you know and nice you're just good nice guys don't win in the world that I was coming from and you guys were like you know right Jason always says be generous with your time and be kind and And I thought, kind? Kind will get no, kind, I see what happens to kind folks and it never works out. And I don't want to do that. So I had to buy into this idea, this magic, right, that you guys were talking about. And doing acts of service for other people, I didn't see how that was going to help me, you know. But I would do it. I had this willingness to do whatever you said because I really was out of options. There weren't a lot of other choices for me. I had burnt everything to the ground, and I wanted to quit drinking. And you guys said we're going to do this. We were at a deal this week, and June Gee was there, and she knew Sybil. Sybil was like the first woman to get sober in Alcoholics Anonymous in California. Her and her brother text. They're part of AA History. And said Sybil went to her first meeting, and there was socialization. and then a guy got up, and he said the women over here and the men over there because there were no men in AA, and the wives had come. And Sybil got shuffled off into Al-Anon or, you know, with pre-Al-Anons but with the ladies. And she wrote a letter to central office saying, hey, I went to your stupid meeting, and they sent me over with the women, and it didn't work out. And the guy she was writing said, hey. I'll be at the next meeting. You know, come to the back. Come back. And so she came back to the meeting, and she said, hey, we have a woman alcoholic. At the end of the meeting they would take letters that had been written to central office that they had gotten and they would hand them out so they'd say, hey Jason, you live in Pasadena, here's all the letters from Pasadена, go see these people and write them back. And they went around the room and they handed out all the areas. It was this one meeting and people would drive two to four hours to get to this one meet-up. They were meeting in L.A. in the beginning. And there was Sybil, it was her first ever meeting. She had finally gotten in, you know, We have a woman alcoholic, and they handed out all the mail, and then they called Civil, and They said, Now, Civil, this is all the letters from women, and you're going to write all these women back and go visit them. This is what you're gonna respond. It's her first meeting. She's never been to alcohol. She's like, What do I say? Why are you giving me? I shouldn't do that. There's been a mistake. And they said, No, you just tell them that you wrote a letter and that you found a meeting, and you think these people might be able to help and you invite them to the meeting and that was Sybil's first meeting and Sybil never drank again there is a lot to be said with making an alcoholic feel useful once more nowhere else was I needed nowhere else did they think I was capable of anything but when I got here you knew that I could move a chair and you could fix it later, and that was okay. I do want to talk to a story about service. We make up these jobs for alcoholics. I had a woman that was assigned to me, and I twitched a little bit. You know, I talked real fast. My teeth were missing. I was about 50 pounds underweight, dangerously antisocial. I mean, I was a freaking mess. I was probably in a psychosis. And this woman's job was to kind of get me in the morning and keep me till the meeting. And she was exhausted, I'm sure. And we get close to her house. It's going on lunchtime and we've been to a morning meeting and we're driving near her house and we get to the stoplight about two blocks from her house and she said, you know what, Amy? The other day I was here at this stoplight and there was a special needs adult who lives in my neighborhood and he works at the grocery store across the street. And anyway, I was sitting here, and I watched him push that crosswalk. And it delayed, and it didn't work. And I got really concerned that if these crosswalks aren't working, these special needs folks from my neighborhood are going to have trouble getting to their job. And I said, oh, my gosh, yeah, that's terrible. That would be—that's bad. Like, what should we do? She said, well, what I was thinking I would do is I would check the crosswalks. And if any of them weren't working, I would call the city and report it so they could get out here and get it fixed. I just haven't had time to do it. I said, Well, I got time. She said、Oh, are you sure? I said、Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely, I've got time。 Now, tell me again what I need to do. She said،Well, I think what you ought to do is push the button and time it. You know, just see how long it takes and make sure it's working. Make sure you do both sides, both crosswalks, and then we can just be assured that the crosswalkes are working and everybody will get to work safely. I said, absolutely. I've got nothing but time. I'm happy to do that. She said, okay. I said how many should I do? She said well I would go down as far as you can. I would just walk as far you can and make they're okay. It's a busy street. We want to make sure everybody, absolutely, absolutely I'll do that and then what? And she said, well, then just meet me back at my house. You know I live just two blocks there off. Absolutely. And I get out of the car and I'm excited, guys. And the people on the street, they probably thought, what in the God's name? Because I would be like, don't touch it. I'm timing, you know. I got a very important job here and I take my job seriously, you know, and I check in and I time it and that one, okay, that one works. And I got my phone. I've got 311 is our city line. I've got 3-1, you know, because I'm ready to, like, report it and very aggressive in everything I do. And people are looking at me, and I probably go eight city blocks up, and I cross the street, and come eight city block back, and get to her house. And she said, how'd it go? I said, well, they all seem to be working. She said, oh, thank God. I said okay. It was years later before I realized that they worked. Literally, she was just trying to find something for me to do. She made me feel useful, and she got a break from me, right? Old AAs, they're ninjas. It was about six years later, she sent me a picture of the guys working on the traffic light. She said, I told you something was wrong with them. But when Jason and I are talking about guys that are picking us up and making sure we get to Olive Garden or spending the day with us to make sure we make it to the next meeting, That's the love and service of Alcoholics Anonymous. Somebody did that for me. I would get to the end of the meeting, you all would say the Lord's Prayer at 9 o'clock at night and you would disappear into the mist. And I'd think, where do you go? I'm all alone here. What happens next? So the men and women that have a meeting after the meeting for the new man, the men or women that put on a second pot of coffee after the Lord's Prayer to spend time with a guy that doesn't know where you go after the Lord's prayer. That's the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous. That's the love that we need to see. The guy that picks you up and says hey, we're going to go to get a milkshake or a burger and the new guy like me or Jason says oh, we make an excuse because we don't want to tell you we don'T have the money. But you say come on man, I got you. And we started of getting included. And that inclusion is beyond the preamble in the Lord's Prayer. Because it's easy to sit in these rooms, right? And shake hands at the beginning and shake hands when it's over with our friends and wish the new guy new luck. But that's an hour a day. And when you're new, those other 23 are real long and lonely. Don't ask to give the new man your number. I was taught to get his number because I'm going to bother you until you cuss me out or tell me to quit. Hey, how you doing? So I'm headed over the sixth o'clock. You want to meet me there, right? Our literature talks about when approached by the man with the answer. That's the obligation on me. Am I approaching the new men? Am I loving them? Am i welcoming them in? If I am, am I offering them a ride from the bus stop? Am invited them in my little clique to go out for milkshake? Am I including them? If you guys hadn't loved and included me, I wouldn't still be here. And I see men do it a lot more. I'm going to kind of get on a soapbox. This is my opinion. Lee, you can turn the tape off. I see a lot of women who I sponsor and I'll say, who brought you to the meeting, my friend? They're always saying, what's your friend's name? Tony. Yeah, Tony, your friend Tony. I need you to find a woman who will give you a ride to a meeting. I asked three women and nobody would. That breaks my heart, ladies. That breaks my heart. And I know this is a fellowship of men and women, but if you're a broken woman like me, you see men, you seen money or motive. You're going to take care of me. You are going to pay for something. I can get something from you. It's just this mind frame that we come in with a lot of times. Not you beautiful women of Arkansas. But back in Kentucky we're real manipulative. and they're always just a friend it's just my friend, I laugh I'm like your friend wants to sleep with you no I told him we're just friends get with some women but for those women to be able to get with women there have to be women like me that are willing to pick them up that are unwilling to invite them out for dinner and pay for their milkshake We have to do that. We have to take care of ourselves in this program because my problem is I don't know how to have a relationship. My sex instinct is messed up. My security instinct is out of whack. My self-esteem is in the toilet. You know, we stay back home, we get sober from the waist down. I need time to heal because I don' t know who I am and I don''t know what I want and I go with what's comfortable and familiar. In Alcoholics Anonymous, I'm presenting a new idea, that you can be self-supporting through your own contributions, that we can figure out who you are before you jump in a relationship with somebody else. That you've become us. We say you can't do sickos, can't make a well-o. Let's get you well. Let's figure out let's get through the steps. Let'S get right with your kids. Let'S Get Right With You. LetS Get Right with Your God and Your Family. Let' S Get Right. And then we'll seek that companionship or those relationships that are good and God-given. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with them, but as women we have to step up. We have to show up in these detox centers and these homeless shelters and these halfway houses and these newcomer meetings. You know, at home they send all the newcomers to me and I dole them out between my sponsees because we get sober, we get our friends, and we hang out with our friends and we go to lunch with our friends and we call our girlfriends but somebody extended a hand to me. Some woman included me and let me sit at her table and took me out for a milkshake and invited me along. And I need to make sure that we are doing that for the new woman and the new man, but we'll let the boys worry about themselves. But the women like I want us to be strong sober examples and alcoholics anonymous, right? I want to get your number and I want to call and see how you're doing and I want to tell you that tony doesn't have to pick you up tonight me and my girls will be there to get you that's it jeez i want to be a woman we'll pick you out jason we'll take up jason too man the more amy talks the more respect i have for greg see they don't know greg's her husband right but but i was thinking of things that we do wrong we were talking before the meeting i got in a fight in Alcoholics Anonymous, right? He wants you closer. Oh, I got in a fight in Alcoholic Anonymous in a meeting. And you would think that would be bad but I got home and my wife set the door going, you got in the fight in AA. I was like, yeah, you know, I did good, you know. She's like, where's your daughter? I go, what do you mean where's Bailey? She's upstairs. She goes, you took her to the meeting. So I had not only gotten a fight in AA, I left my daughter at the meeting and I'm like, oh man. So if you're new here that'll give you some hope. And I had like six years of sobriety But what I want to share on is, look, if you're new here, you have the ability to change lives. Yeah. Right? It doesn't matter where you're at in this walk. It doesn'T matter where You're at. You have the Ability to Change Somebody. And the reason I know this is, you know, that God thing I had, you know ,I treated God like I owed Him money. I knew He was out there. I just didn't want to run into Him, right? So when I got here, I was kind of hemming and hawing. And then, you Know, I'd go to step studies, and a bunch of guys would get on their knees for the third step prayer, and they put their arms around each other and they do the third step prayer and all I could do was look at the window to make sure nobody was walking by and saw us, right? It was very awkward. It was Very Unnecessary. I couldn't buy into that. But there was this guy in my group, Roy. Roy at that time had about 60 days of sobriety, maybe 90 days of sorority and Roy was kind of... Yeah, he was crazy, right. And one day I show up at a meeting on a Tuesday night and I say to Roy, I said, hey Roy, how's it going? Because he's a greeter. He's like, screw you, screw God, screw Alcoholics Anonymous. I was like, man, I'll sit by you today. It's going to be entertaining, right? And it's a big book study where you read a paragraph and the next person reads a paragraph. And lo and behold, it gets to Roy's paragraph that we're reading is the third step prayer, right. So I'm kind of laughing. Ha ha ha, what do you think about that, buddy? Well, he don't read, right, until it gets awkward when somebody says, hey, somebody needs to read something. So I look at Roy, so I read the third prayer. Then my sponsor's sitting on this side. And he reads it on the next paragraph. Then the other guy starts reading, and John looks at me and goes, hey, that was between God and Roy never getting in the way of it, right? So now I'm thinking, great, Roy has a problem with God. I have a problem mit John. I wish I would have sat somewhere else, right. Flash forward two days later, my wife was six months pregnant, and she called me and said, hey. I went to go do this test. They can't find a heartbeat. You need to meet me at this place to do an ultrasound or something like that. And I said, okay, I can go. And I called John. I said, what do I do? I'm scared. He goes, you're not the only person scared, Jason. Your responsibility there is to go hold Julie's hand and just be present and tell her that you love her. And so I did that, and I went there, and we found out we had lost that baby. And we had to go the next morning to do whatever, a D in something. They have to take out the baby. And that night in Oregon it snowed in Portland, and if it snows an inch the whole country shuts down, the whole state shuts down. So we left early, like about 5 o'clock from our house. we get to this hospital and the only room is this little waiting room down below where everybody was sitting and we're sitting there and all of a sudden I see this guy going like this looking in the window and I'm like oh shit, it's Roy. Right? So I duck because I mean what is Roy doing? It's dark outside, we're at a hospital and Julie sees him and she starts waving at him I'm Like, What are you doing? It's Roy! He walks in and I go, Roy what are you dealing here? He goes, Man, this is a big deal I'm here to sit with you. He had gotten that new service position He said, I'm here to sit with you guys and be present. My wife thinks Roy walks on water. I think Roy's still a little crazy. But I said, okay. But here's the thing. We went up to this surgical place, and then they had us go out in this waiting room. And we're sitting there, and Roy looked at me. And look, Roy had 90 days, and he's crazy. He looked at him. He says, hey, we need to pray. I said、Roy, I thought you had a problem with God. He says、This is no time for my problems with God, right? We need to prayer. I said،Screw you, Roy, and screw God. and he got on his knees and started praying in that waiting room, right? And I remember being embarrassed and I've been kind of ashamed. I was kind of sweating. I was like trying to hide my face and he stayed down there the whole time that Julie is back there and he was praying. And when they got done to call us back, he got up and people walked over and hugged him, right. That was the first time in my life I've seen somebody take the example of inviting God into a situation and he had, he was brand new and he is batshit crazy And he changed my whole perspective on the program of Alcoholics Unarmed. He changed the perspective on me that God is there when we need him, right? And I didn't have that when I got here. When I got her, man, look, I met my dad. That's a burning bush. I met wife. That was an accident. I got a kid. Who knows how that happened? All these things were happening, but I could justify and rationalize why it happened. But to see another man get on his knees and pray to a God of his understanding in front of a bunch of people and not be embarrassed or ashamed changed my perspective of life, right? And when I did that and I started allowing God to come into my life, Alcoholics Anonymous started changing. You know, I started getting to be able to sponsor people. And look, in my area, I'm grateful because at first I thought I didn't have anybody in AA. What I realized today is I have people just show up no matter what, right. You Know, I get on my knees every morning. I used to say that prayer, please help, thank you, amen. And today I get on my knees and I say, my dear friend, if you see fit in it, be thy will. I sure appreciate if I could stay in Alcoholics Anonymous another day. And I say that prayer every single morning. I get up and I try to be a member of AlcoholicsAnonymous. And obviously there's some days where people look at me and say, you just didn't drink, right? I don't really have really good days in a row. But because of Alcoholic Anonymous and getting a God in my understanding, I'm being able to start working with men, right. And, and I work with a few women, right, I do whatever I I work with alcoholics is how I would say it, right? That's what I do in my life. And my life gets better and I get to see God grow up in these people. So I came in here powerless over this thing thinking alcohol was my problem. I found out alcohol was just a solution. I came here scared to death. And what you did is if it wasn't for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I never would have went through the big book. I would have never went through The Steps if it weren't for men and women inviting me to do things. It wasn't showing up when it wasn' t necessary. Taking the actions that I did. You know, I remember going on a men's retreat And, you know, I was told to pray twice a day on my knees. And I used to think, am I the only person doing this? Right? Do they really get on their knees? So at a men's retreat, I kind of snuck around and looked in the room. Damn, people do that, right? But I did start believing that was going to help me work. And I started doing those things, and my life got better. You know,I have one more story I want to share with you that changed my perspective about God. You know,, I sponsored a guy named Plumber Jim. And Plumber Jim was, he's a lot of work. Let's just put it that way. And so we were on step three, and I told him to sit on his back porch. He lived out in the country. Sit on his black porch every day for 30 days and then invite God to show himself, reveal himself. So at 30 days, I get a call. It's a Saturday morning. Jim calls me. He says, I'm through with AA. I go, why is that? He goes, I've been asking God for 30 years, and he didn't show up. This is a waste of my time. I'd rather just drink. I said, all right, Jim, whatever. and there's a little bit more conversation. He hangs up. About an hour later, this young man calls me and says, hey, I'm coming from Bend, Oregon. It's about a four-hour drive to my house. He says, I've come over the mountain right now. My sponsor told me as soon as I got to town or in cell phone range to call you and you would get me to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said, where are you going to be? He says I'm going to Sandy, Oregon and I said sweet, there's an AA speaker meeting tonight at Obie's. I'll have somebody come pick you up. So he gives me the address and so I called Jim. right i said hey jim there's a new guy who needs to go to meet of alcoholics and ops you need to pick him up and bring him to the meeting and jim cussed me out or told me he was through with aa but he went and got him and that night he brings the kid to the meet-in and he's like six three six four tattoos all over his neck a white beater tank top he's yoked out i'm like sorry jim's a little old guy right and he was looking at me and i'm looking at that guy's like man sorry jим you know what i mean and uh jim comes over he goes here's a set of word i was like okay right and so they come in the kid says hi it's me they sit through the meeting and they go to go home about one o'clock in the morning jim calls me and he says uh i wasn't answering the phone he kept calling and calling julie goes you gotta answer the phone i said it's just plumber jim he's probably drunk she goes just answer the bone and so i answered the phone and he's like hey i need to talk to you i was like jim it's one o clock in the mornin he goes no we need to talk to ya right now i said okay what is it he goes you know brian the young man i brought i go, yeah. I go, I'm still in the driveway at the place he's staying at. I go, you dropped him off like four hours ago. He goes, yeah, we've been sitting here thinking about this and trying to figure this out. I go, what happened? He goes you're not going to believe this. He goes, I started talking to him on the way home. He's the same age as my son and he grew up in Sandy and I started talking about where he went to school and all this and he graduated the same year my son did and I asked if he knew who my son was and he didn't and he goes we were talking some more and I said well name some of the kids you used to run around with and he goes I know this kid Sam and he He goes, Sam. And he says his last name. He goes – Jim's like, I know Sam. And he goes, well, do you know how to get a hold of him? He goes yeah. He's an electrician. I'm a plumber. I see him on jobs all the time. And he said – he goes do you have his number? He goes yes. So he starts to write down his number and Jim goes to hand it to him. He looks at him and he's crying. And he go what's going on? He goes you're not going to believe this. I've been praying for the last 30 days for God to take me to my very last amends I have to make. I didn't know where Sam lived or where he was going to be. My sponsor told me just to trust God and pray about it for 30 days and God would do the rest. and you show me where he's at, right? And both of those guys had God show up at the exact same time, and they'd been praying for 30 days. And from that day forward, I've not questioned my walk with the Lord, right. I believe there's a higher power that's working in this deal, and if I'm willing to go all in and do this thing, my life keeps getting better and better and better. Did we start at 8, and it's only been like 20 minutes? No, we started at 8.30. Oh, thank you, baby. Jesus. I was like, come on. I was going to say, I was, like, we got another half hour. Okay, yeah, so we are going to... We're done. Yeah, I think that if we were going to like – we didn't know what we were going to talk about, but if we've talked about anything, we hope that we've – like Jason said yesterday, that you know that AA works and God is real. That you've come all the way in and you've set all theway down and the magic will start to happen around you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you so much.