Step 2 and the Higher Power Who Does Business with You – Mary T.

Hi there, I'm Mary Theer. I'm an alcoholic. We'll see what happens. There's no oxygen up here and the brain doesn't... So, I was asked to speak and I said, I've got to go lay down first for a minute. anyway and we're all out of water so we'll see what happens right is this about the second step i don't know can i move it you can thanks appreciate it yeah okay well the secondstep in my journey in recovery i have found a different way of looking and applying this in my life I wasn't raised with any religion so I don't have that where I associated a power greater than myself with church so I think in some way I was blessed not to have that but at the same time I didn't feel like I was worthy for some kind of God and what I knew of it. My experience was that I had a situation occur about three years before I got into recovery with my daughter where I brought her over a period of about nine months to three different specialists, and nothing was working. and I remember I had to stay out of work for about three or four days and when I went back to work one of my bosses said to me how's Candice and I broke down and I started crying and I said I've done everything and it just so happened this is just the way it went he had a brother-in-law that ran a ministry and it was called the invisible ministry it was in La Jolla I believe, and you didn't have to go to church there but he helped a lot of people, and he said maybe you could call him well you know, I thought that was a little odd because I'd had an affair with this guy but he's telling me to call some minister, but anyway but you know when you run out of everything you kind of surrender, and so I called this man and he told me his name, and He said our religion is based on Emmett Fox and I didn't know who Emmett Fox was or anything and make a long story short my daughter after three weeks had nothing to matter with her so I knew there was a God. I know it was her God but I knew it was a god. I was three years in recovery when I went to a long timer meeting in Pasadena and there was one of the original 100 drunks that talked that said that before the big book was written they used Emmett Fox's works and I went oh my gosh so I really feel as though there is a power that deals with drunks and kids and we don't even know what's happening sometimes so when I came into the halls I knew there was a God and I came to believe in a God here and I think that's what this step says and say well you believe but what have you come to believe in what have you come to believe in and the first thing that happened for me is that I knew there was something going on because I could see it with you that was what I came to believe in, I saw something in you and as the years have gone on, I think I was around 20 years in recovery when I realized that I knew that there was a God and I knew it was there and I know I had experienced a lot of things but it wasn't personalized to me, it was almost intellectual and I tell you that because I have run into a lot of people it's funny, the first 20 years and now almost the second 20 years I'm doing something different and my God and my understanding what I've come to believe in I actually found right off of Bill's story in Bill's Story he talks about he found a newfound friend and I remember reading that one time and sitting there and saying to myself Do I think of my God as a friend? And I pondered that and pondered it. And a lot of you people have heard my story, but the truth is that I have a best friend. I have several best friends that I've known since I've been six years old. And one who happens to have, God, I think she's got 34 years this year, and I sponsored her the whole time. but I went to her house whenever my folks were she was like a sister she's truly a best friend so that if she walked into this room right now I could take a look at her and she could take it away and we'd go we don't have to speak there's an energy and what was the energy? The energy is this it's safe now I tell you that because I'm a woman and I'm an alcoholic and I am a mother And I was a wife that was battered, and battered pretty severely. A weekend guest with the local police. And so what I want to say is that for me to make a decision or, you know, to turn my will and my life, my thoughts and my actions over to some power, I would tell you I'm going to do that. I ain't going to go through that one. Boy, you're not going to hurt me. I was hurt. I was damaged a lot, and I didn't really feel safe. I felt safe with my sponsors. My sponsors had an energy about them that I could tell them anything. My best friend I could. But I had never considered to have a God, a loving God as he expresses himself, which I was seeing the expression in my life personally. And I remember when I pondered that, I was going through one of those trials and tribulations. You know, it says in our book something, in fact if we fail to enlarge on our spiritual life we will not be able to face the certain trials and low spots ahead. Certain doesn't say maybe you're going to have a bump in the road it says certainly you are and if you don't have a God that does business with you and you can do business with that God I'm here to tell you I've experienced watching some people not be able to get through that. So I have not arrived anywhere. In fact I consider myself a seasoned beginner and through the years and my conception conception means it continues to grow concept, you've already got it and it's not growing anymore we found that in a book study one time it says conception, not concept we kept saying, oh, what's the difference and we looked at it, looked it up so I really believe that a power greater than myself I come to believe in that's a friend and because of that I've been restored to sanity which is sound thinking and balance in any area of my life that I have finally admitted that I am powerless over to my innermost self that I had no power in my life so manageable if I just say yeah I'm powerless over that and I really don't admit it to my inner most self there's no way that power will enter it's a very strange thing I found that for myself that wasn't until I admitted to my animal self that I was selfish I heard the words I read the words I saw a selfish self sudden this was the root of my problem. But if I hadn't admitted to my innermost self, there's no way there was a power greater than myself that could come in. And this power for me is a friend. And I don't know how much time. Do I have any time left? What have I got? Two minutes. Oh good. I hope I've made some sense. One of the best promises here in the book, and I love this promise. It says when I draw closer to my best friend. When I draw closer to my best friend, he's going to reveal himself to me. That's on page 57. The big book has 58 pages plus the doctor's opinion that deals with steps one and two. If you count in the big book, the rest of the pages that deal with step three, step four, step five, they don't add up to 59 pages. They really don't. So there's an awful lot in these first two steps. If you do not have a power that you can do business with, that does business with you, that's your best friend and you have the quality of safety with that, I don't think you're going to do it. Now that's my experience with the people I sponsor. They have to tell me where they feel safe. Where do they feel safe? What's the energy around it? My power greater than myself grew from The cat that I had, E.T., who was very safe, that was always with me, she was always present even when I didn't want her. She lived 20 years. There was an energy that came off of that. I'm here to tell you my power greater than myself is much, much more vast than that cat, but you start where you are. Humility is to accept where you're at right now. Thank you, and God bless. Thank you. Because it's a little warm up here, could I actually have somebody in the back row bring us the speakers all some water? I'd really appreciate that. Next we have Donna D. Donna's home group is Thursday. All are welcome from Aurora, Colorado. She is Al-Anon Family Group. Thank you. Hi, I'm Donna and I'm very nervous. I am so grateful to be here up at FOTS. I'm actually glad that it came a month early this year. I didn't want to have to wait a whole year to come back. And thank you, Brenda, for asking me to speak. I thought I listened during the second meeting or the first step panel and I thought about the whole step and the sanity and the insanity. And I'll start in the beginning. I came into Al-Anon, it was the end of February, so I missed our second step study. And I didn't hear about it for quite a long time. But we always read the steps at the beginning of the meeting, and I never liked the second step. I didn' t like the word insanity. I'm like, okay, I don' t belong here. I am not insane. and like many have shared it took me a good six months to I finally heard as everybody has or most of us have now the Einstein definition of insanity about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results the first time I heard that in a meeting I knew I belonged and I said okay yeah that is me and even as I was driving up the mountain one of the things that I used to do over and over again was committing to something and getting out of commitments and I even asked a friend in the car I said hey so are you going to be speaking on any of the panels and she said no she was doing some other service work here and I said do you want to and she goes well I wasn't asked and I go well I could ask you and I would find some way to get out of it and sitting through there thinking about this stuff I wouldn't be up here right now if it wasn't for a power greater than myself and it took me a long time much like Mary mentioned about feeling worthy I didn't grow up in any formal religion or anything. And I really, by the time I came into these rooms, thought that I'd done a lot of not-so-good things that I had heard that I felt I wasn't worthy. My father would tell me I wasn'T worthy. My husband would tellme I wasn' t worthy. But worst of all, I would tell myself I was not worthy of a power greater than myself helping me and taking care of me and loving me. And I heard in the rooms about, let the group be your higher power if you have no concept. And I didn't really understand that, but I saw these people believed in a power greater than themselves. And I believe that they believe that. And I saw them going through things I felt were much more difficult than I had ever had to deal with, with regards to alcoholism. And they were happy. They were restored. They were human. They would cry. They would laugh. And I learned to do that. I came into these rooms numb. I was cried out. I was laughed out. I was just numb. and I heard later the next year around when we talked about the second step where they break down the second step into came, came to and then came to believe and I believed that. I came to the meetings it took me a while to come to and wake up and get a sponsor and start working the steps and then I came to believe that I was loved. I was love by every one of you out there that didn't even know me and I'm so grateful for that. And I am getting restored to sanity because I will go into those things I used to do over and over again and expecting different results. And people would try, they would share their experience about things that they tried differently that I was going through that might be a better way to react to the disease of alcoholism. And I would reluctantly try it and I was amazed at the results. and I didn't expect certain results. I just tried it, and it was powerful, and I knew it wasn't me. I knew there was a higher power helping me. I am trying to stay focused on the second step, but I am slowly but surely getting restored. coming to this conference is the most powerful spiritual part of my recovery because there's so much shared here that I don't always hear in the meetings about the spiritual recovery, the spiritual side of our program. And I was grateful a speaker mentioned earlier about this emotionally sober. That's powerful for me. Um, it was when I had probably been in Al-Anon, I think. I, I'm sure I'll get corrected later. I think it was about a year or so. Um, I started doing a big book study with another Al-Alanon friend of mine and it amazed me. It opened up so much understanding in my, um, journey as far as I saw no difference. I read those stories. I thought I was an alcoholic for a little bit. You know, I go, maybe I am an alcoholic because I do this and this and this. I'm self-centered. I obsess. But my obsession is not over alcohol. And she cleared that up for me. And that is really the only difference that I have found between Al-Anon and alcoholics is what our obsession is over. and I am no longer obsessed with the alcoholics in my life and what they're doing I sometimes change my obsession but it's a healthier obsession such as my recovery and things related to this program and I get obsessed about coming to this conference every year and everything so it's at least about healthier obsessions. I've been able to have healthier relationships with my husband, my family, my friends that I could never have done without everyone in these rooms, without the knowledge in the big book Bill's story especially. She already quoted what I was thinking about and as one of the things I do over and over again but I wasn't expecting different results I left all my notes in my big book and everything over on a chair over there with my purse. And so I don't have them in front of me. But without a power greater than myself, if I didn't believe it, I couldn't stand up here right now. I have never talked to this many people at one time in my life, and I couldn'T have done it without your love, your program, your patience, and everything else. So thank you very much. Next on the second step we'll have Catherine D. from the Sherwood Group in San Angelo, Texas. Welcome. Thank you. hello everyone i'm katherine and i am an alcoholic i'm very grateful to be here very excited about this um so staying on topic of the second step i was thinking um about where i was before i found this beautiful program and I was living definitely in alcoholic insanity. I didn't believe that I had a problem. I was my own power I had made a decision that there was no God I was so alone, I was so desperate and I wasn't able to I was in the darkness and I could not see outside of myself so for me if there was a god he didn't care about me anymore what i didn't realize that it was of my own creating um so when i walked into the rooms of alcoholics anonymous i was not doing it for myself i was doing it for my husband and my children and my family thinking i don't have a problem these people are crazy even though i thought maybe just maybe and i sat there and i did not realize that i was going to walk into a room full of living breathing walking miracles it it was a moment for me that i can't explain but at that moment i thought there's got to be something greater in this room but i still had a difficult time coming to believe that there was a power greater than myself i grew up in a religion as a child where God had strict boundaries. And if I didn't do what God wanted me to do, I was going to burn. And it was scary. I was scared, very scared of God and scared of what he thought of me. And when I started working with my sponsor that I have now, I learned that this power can be something that I understand. And that opened a big door for me to believe in something greater than myself that loved me because I didn't love myself. This power showed me a way of life through AA, through the people in AA. hey, I am so blessed to be here talking to you all right now. And I realize that because of this power, I'm standing right here. I'm alive and I'm breathing. I don't really have much more to say than that. I kind of drew a blank. I had all these things I was thinking about. But really, that's all I have. And I'm just really blessed to be here, and thank you all, and I do love you all very, very much. Next we have Aaron M. from AA, the Primary Purpose Group in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Thank you. Thank you, Aaron. My name's Aaron, and I'm an alcoholic. You know, I was the person that had once had faith and lost it my first time. And when I grew up, I didn't really have a problem with God. I wasn't really particularly religious. and, you know, I hit AA at 20 years old because I was unwilling to do some work. Went to a lot of meetings, hung out with a lot of people in AA and that was about the extent of it. Eight months of that and that was enough and I was back out and I got married and as my drinking progressed it really started causing some troubles in my marriage and uh i prayed to god a lot you know mostly that he would just make it easy because like i said i wasn't willing to do a lot of work uh so and i would pray and pray and i went to church and uh a grandfather was very spiritual and went to Church with him and And, you know, when nothing got better and my drinking got worse, I said, it's about, I had about enough of this. This is, this is phooey and this is not for me. So, you, you now, it fueled, the longer I was out, the worse I got, the more that resentment towards God grew. you know and much like Catherine uh you know at some point I think I decided that he had pretty much looked into my soul and and saw my wretched soul and the wickedness of the way I was living and wanted nothing to do with me um so uh you Know I continued on and uh I used that to uh pretty much as an indictment of the whole uh anybody who was uh believed in God and that was not living life perfectly, was a hypocrite. And so 15 years later after the first time when I ended up back in treatment, you know, I called they said this is a 12-step program and I'd already done AA and I certainly wasn't believing in God. So, yep, I gotcha. I had a plan. And, you now, figured I'd go to a rehab treatment and get some more therapy because the five years of therapy I had had was working so well, you know, that, like, I just needed to cram it all into 30 days. That was probably it. And, you Know, really where I got that willingness was, you Now, once I got straightened out and got everything out of my system, you Know. It was that point of decision, You Know, that gets talked about at the bottom of page 25, You know, really, as i saw it um i was down to two options you know one to one to keep going and uh the other to accept spiritual help um we were sitting there and uh i wasn't in treatment very long and they had a step study meeting there and they were reading out of the 12 and 12 and when they read about the fellow that had lost faith and then had once had faith and lost it, you know, that pretty well described me and then went into this internal dialogue you know pretty much haven't you had enough what is it going to hurt you know just do whatever these people say and you know it was it was, it was from there, you know, and it was good that, you know, the only thing that I needed was a willingness at that point. You know, I did not have to accept any religious figure as my personal savior that day. You know, I just had to have, you know, a willingness, you know, and like it talks about in we agnostics, like I could not comprehend or understand God, you You know, I was willing to try. I was going to to go back to my cabin that night and and pray to God that, you know, I was pretty uncertain about about that God's existence, you Know, and, you Now, the promise of a return to sanity and like, you Know, at that time, I'm not sure that existed either. You know, I just, I didn't want to, I couldn't live the way I was living anymore. I just wanted no more of that. You know? I knew I just didn't Want that anymore. You know. When I was in there, my counselor said, you know, I want your recovery to be like, I want it to be Like the best drug you ever did. You know I wanted to blow your hair back. And I was like, this guy is crazy. Like, you Know, hopefully I can stay sober. Hopefully I make it. You know Hopefully I stop neglecting my wife. You know, but this is what this guy is talking about is, you know, not possible, you know, and really, you know, it was a ways down the road, you know, before I started getting into steps nine and getting those amends done and 10 and 11. And before I really got to experience God and really got to, you know experience that return to sanity you know at least as far as alcohol is concerned um it comes and goes um you know uh usually i get up and i talk and i can't stop talking and i'm looking down and there's still some time left and reaching hoping something comes to mind um you know it nothing's coming to mind yeah you know i it just as i got further as i progressed i realized the importance of that of that second step you know all the foundation of what i have reliance upon god you know seeking God in every area of my life today all came from that willingness to believe you know but I you know I wish I could just say I had a change of heart and that I decided to try something different but it wasn't you know it really was man this is I don't know what the hell I'm going to do if this doesn't work I have no idea you know so uh you know given that perspective you know that willingness was a little bit easier to come by and you know fortunately the guys that i've worked with um they haven't had a problem with god i'm pretty new at this still only had a couple of guys but uh you know that's something i haven't been able to address with them um is going through step two and you don't just are you willing or are you not i don't know what to say um so So, yeah, if I talk any longer, it's just going to be rambling nonsense. So I'll be quiet now. Thanks. Now I'll open the mic. Please share on your experience on step two. Thanks. Hello, everyone. My name is Tony Blankenship and I'm an alcoholic. It's really nice to be here. I haven't been here. I was here the first year that we had it at Copper Mountain and I haven'T been back since because I'M busy. A couple of things that came to really struck me is that I came in and out of Alcoholics Anonymous as I was... First time I was 15, but I didn't really want to get sober. At 19, I wanted to get sober because I had two DUIs. And, you know, alcohol was a problem. And I came in and out of AA for six years. And I looked at the steps, and I worked every one of them in my head. And I would not do the God thing. I just wouldn't do it. I'd come here, and they'd be like, you've got to find a higher power. And I'm like, that's good for you. And I just couldn't do It. I don't know why. I don' t know what I was so scared of. and then you know the day came where I just couldn't not drink and I quit stopping when I got separated from alcohol and got brought to Alcoholics Anonymous this time I knew it wasn't going to work I was like this isn't going to work I'm not going to be able to stay sober I might make it 30 days because I'm locked up but that's it and I'm leaving and there were people around me like I'm done and I'm like I'm not because I knew I wasn't because I drank again all the time and um and I got a sponsor and he suggested this novel concept he says why don't you start praying on your knees in the morning and at night I was like yeah but he said Tony just shut up and do it and I was okay and um what became real apparent to me is it didn't matter what I believed at that point it didn t matter what i thought it didn n matter what any of those things it just mattered that I did something. And I got on my knees. I had to pray out loud for a long time because my head would scream so loud about how stupid it was and how lame I was and how, you know, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And is that for me? Am I done? Oh, okay. All right. You're done. Okay. I was like, I mean, I can take a message. And it worked, man. It really worked. It really worked. I got sober in 1998. I'm 14 and a half years sober. I'm almost 15, and so here's where I'm at today. I think faith is my decision, and the deal is for me, I'm just not all in. I've been restored to sanity with alcohol, but I'm not all-in. I'm like, I'm sure, yeah, I believe, I believe it. I'm really not doing it. right? I mean, I'm not really like, I don't think I'm crazy is like the deal. I think I'm okay. And I think like all these things that are unmanageable at 14, you know, Mickey said that in the first step, it's like, have all these bedevilments going on and some are bigger and some were smaller and summer, you know, like whatever, but they're going on. They're not, they haven't stopped, you know, because I'm living a spiritual life and, you know, and once in a while about every day, I'll try to manage one of those bedevilments, and I'll be like, I don't need God for that. I'm good. And I'll talk to my sponsor. I'm like, yeah, but I'm doing it. He's like, no, you're not. You're not invested. And it's a reminder to me is that faith is my decision. That's up to me. It's my decision, and it's not God's job. That's my job. It's mine. It's not my job to have faith, and I'm just grateful to be here. I feel good. It's nice to be here, and it's nice to see everybody, so thanks. I couldn't believe Tony beat me over there. My name's Tom, I'm an alcoholic. Sober by the grace of God. I've been continuously sober since June the 15th of 1986. And my home group is Anne A. Group in Santa Fe, New Mexico. We used to introduce ourselves like that when we got up here. This is my home conference. A lot of extremely good friends in this room. and I owe them the truth, you know. Brian P. spoke at our home group about six months ago, and he displayed a lot of courage, and I hope I can be that courageous. You know, I got sober in Albuquerque in a treatment center where I don't remember anything that happened there other than an AA meeting came in, and I glommed onto these two guys, and the one guy told me, he says, you need to find a higher power that you can do business with and up until that point I didn't believe in anything anymore. I had but I didn t anymore and I asked him how he stayed sober. He said, I pray every day. I ask God to keep me sober and I thank God at night and I started doing that because that was the only flimsy reed I had left and amazingly I stayed sober for 33 days in that place and my personal best was eight days in 16 years and so I knew there was some difference And so just, I guess, out of superstition or whatever, I kept doing that. And I did it for many, many years. And then I stopped doing that because I understood I was trying to make a deal with God and that you don't need to deal with god. I've got nothing to deal With. I don't have any card to offer god. So I stopped Doing that. And that's a whole other story. so um try to try to quicken this i uh years ago i used to participate in lakota way or the sweat lodge and i was carrying the the hot rocks i was the fireman and having a real hard time with it it was winter time it was slippery and i'm carrying this hot stuff and i've got a bad hip and i'M PRAYING THE WHOLE TIME GOD PLEASE GIVE ME THE POWER PLEASED GIVE me the power please give me the power. If you drop one of these rocks, you have to go back and pick it up and put it back in the fire, and it's just hard. And I'm praying this prayer, and a voice said to me, I gave you the power, now use it. That was it. So I shut up with the prayers and I just did my job. So anyway, over the years, this will just amaze you, I'm sure, but I've had a real problem with gambling, casino gambling, specifically slot machines. I've been fighting this probably most of my sobriety. This is what you can expect at 27 years, by the way, just to give you a little hope. The spell was broken at one point through prayer, and I thought it was over with, and I just slid back into it. And I tried to play it down, andI tried to pretend like it was spiritually okay, okay and I speak at conferences and I stand at the podium and I go on and on and I know that I've got this secret that I'm not telling anybody what? well I love you too that's why I'm telling you this and then I'm lying to my wife I'm nicht lying zu ihr but I'm phrasing things in such a way that I don't tell the truth that's lying right I'm being dishonest to my wife, and that's not good for a relationship, guys. It really isn't. And some people have heard this story, but most of you haven't. Anyway, and I'm praying the whole time, God, please give me the power not to go into these casinos. God, Please give me The Power Not To Go Into These Casinos. Please give Me The Power Over And Over And I'll Be Praying It As I Walk Into The Casino. okay and my rationale is I'm not bankrupting us so it's really not that bad and you know there's no work right now anyway and you know maybe God wants me to hit the big one you know it could be possible right I mean and I even tell my sponsor and I'm even I'm even fist-stepping it with people and telling guys that I sponsor about it and my sponsor says you need to go to gamblers anonymous I don't want to go of Gamblers Anonymous. I don't say that to him. I say, well, I'll look into that, you know, but I don't want to for reasons of pride and how many more programs can I do? So I'm going on like this. Then I start saying, I will be done as I walk into the casino. And what happened, guys, is if I had the thought of going in, I'm in. I mean, it had me. I absolutely did. So now, because I'm being dishonest with my wife. I can't do nightly review anymore, because who wants to look at being dishonesty? Every night you check that off. Yeah, I lied. I was dishonest. So I just stopped doing that, okay. And you know, I had the... I vaguely sensed I was not being any too smart. You know what I mean? Remember that? Anyway what happened was one day I sat in meditation and I remembered that time when I was picking up those rocks, and I heard the voice say, use the power I've given you. Okay? And so what I did was, instead of this please help me, please help me, I made a covenant with God, and I said, God, today I promise I won't go in there. And I didn't. It was like the spell was broken. And every day I said the same prayer. God, today I promise I won't go in there. And I haven't been in since. It's been about three or four months now. And And the idea is that I'd rather beg for power that I already have than use the power that's been given. How many prayers do I have to say before the prayer is answered? Probably one, but I'd Rather Beg For It Than Use It. You know, I was thinking about Mark Houston, and he said this thing that really got me one time. He said, I Was Praying and Asking God to Show Me. I Said, God, Please Show Me How to Tell People About You. And what I heard was, don't tell them about me. Tell them about your experience of me. Don used to say, the big book doesn't say belief in God. It says belief in the power of God. And that's what we get here. Thanks. Hi, I'm John, a member of Al-Anon. uh i had to say about one thing it took me a long time like years to figure this out so in case somebody else is like as thick as i was about this i will simply say that religion and god are two separate and distinct things a religion may say that they are the only one and that's the only way you can talk to god but they all say that and in any denomination you can find someone who is very spiritual and connected and can very help you and you can find the evilest people on the planet in that same religion it doesn't matter uh and as far as religious texts go you can fine some wonderful inspirational things in some of those religious text and you can find the ugliest, nastiest thing that will drag you down to whatever pit there is in the same texts. So it took me a long time to figure out in a way that I'd been sold a bill of goods when I was growing up because this is the only way to work. Well, I tried them and it didn't work. So God doesn't love me. No, it's they can't help you it's that religion gives god a bad name religion is an a man-made thing god didn't make it i'm sure if we ran across him today what are you guys doing what's all this stuff that you say is in my name and it really isn't i don't know so i've had to really work on breaking that away When somebody says, this is what was written and this is from God. It's like, well no, it's from somebody who was spiritual at the time, whatever time that was. People found it really valuable. Maybe there's something in there. But I might read something from God in the big book. Or I might reading something from god in some of the Al-Anon literature I have. I think probably, I have not really been to church. I had been in a building that was built around a religion. But I really didn't go to church until I actually went to an AA meeting and thought, now these people are really in with God. So that's what I had to figure out. I hope that helps somebody. Thanks. Hi, my name's Jim. I'm an alcoholic. Greetings from Iowa. I've never really considered myself a control freak. More of a control enthusiast. One of the things that I fall prey to is my ego will kind of squirrel up through into my brain to help me forget one of the pertinent ideas that no human power can free me from alcoholism. And I had a situation here recently where I had to do business, as has been said. I've had many experiences. One thing that Tom said reminded me what I did wrong in this program for a long time was to try and understand so I could explain God to someone else. And what's happened with me today is that I'm able to experience and express God and my experience through my experience. And it's a wonderful place to be. I have found whenever I surrender another part of my life to God, my world gets a lot bigger when I'm trying to figure it all out. it gets smaller and as people are familiar with the mountains the view from the valley is significantly different than the view form the mountain top and so I have some medical issues and I have a foot that won't behave itself so they don't want to take part of it and I'm coming off a shoulder injury and so we're trying to time this thing and I and I'm not second-step stuff is, I've got to figure this out. I've Got to know what it's going to look like. So all of this stuff's going along and coming off the shoulder surgery, and I'M sitting in church, and it kind of was like the scene in The Wizard of Oz where the house is spinning around, and all those scenes are going by, and I' m going, Maybe I'm consumed by fear here. Maybe I ought to inventory it. And so, all by my itty-bitty self, before they started the sermon, I wrote down 18 things about losing half of my foot that I was afraid of. And my world was real small. And I said, well, you can concentrate on the answer or the problem. And I turned right around and without breaking a sweat, I ripped off 47 gratefuls. And I'm back in the moment. This is one aspect of my fault. so two days later I had to go see the shoulder surgeon who was going to give me some definitive direction on what to do with foot and Monday night I'm sitting there going okay God I'm going to allow this whatever the directive is of the shoulder surgeon to be as the direction of the foot, I'm gonna make him a reflection of you my higher power and what he says goes and I thought I had it all figured out well, I'll be able to do this because I'm trying to get it cut off in time so I can get here okay, I'm trynna work backwards from last weekend anyhow so I asked him I said, Doc, what would be the optimum time and he said he goes, oh, three months I mean, I was grinding myself into the ground three months was not one of the options because I was trying to figure it out I wasn't I was making myself insane and as he talked the clarity became just because I said I'd made you know I'd offered this covenant to God what he says goes and all of that angst all of that fear and all of a sudden you know on a clear day you can see forever all of a suddenly my world got real big and I realized that my shoulders salvageable my foot's not very practical so maybe we'll let that be a priority But in that, I got back to a point of sanity. And my second step prayer today is, God, I don't have the answers for my life. Will you show me where to find them? Thank you. Hi, my name is Kat and I'm an alcoholic. I'm a member of the Women in Recovery group which meets on Mondays in Boulder, Colorado this has been a great workshop even though it's really warm in here I wanted to hear people express how they came to believe and with having reached 8 years I still hadn't felt it I felt nothing inside, like chorus line, I felt nothing. And I was a cradle Catholic so I went 12 years of school, 12 years of study, religious study and questioned it at about 10th grade some of the precepts and concepts and then just kind of stepped away, fell off a precipice and started drinking and that didn't fit well with religion so I was off to the races, and I was able to take care of my own life. Thank you very much. I didn't need any help from God or anyone or any human person. And by the time I got into Alcoholics Anonymous, I had, you know, I was 52. I had step one down. I was done, completely done, didn't have to convince me. and I went in there to save my life because I knew I only had a few years left if I continued on that path and I used the group I used The Doorknob and I tried to find God I really struggled with it a lot and then I let it go I thought well, I've got X amount of years and then finally I realized that I had to really work on it because I started being a sponsor and I had sponsees who had faith, you know. And they had so much, I don't want to say easier, but if you have faith, it kind of can catapult you after step one into two and three. It helps to know that you have a higher power there with you. So I became jealous of them and started going to a group that was reading the book Came to Belief and decided, well, I tell other people get a God box when something's going on. And I thought, well gee, I don't have one. And I started putting my problems in the God box and I started to realize that they didn't feel so heavy. They kind of resolved on their own. And I'm like, whoa, there's something here. So by a combination of that and being around people who have faith, who have had miracles happen in their life I came to believe for myself that I have a presence all around me all the time helping me to take the next right step in my life and it's just amazing how much happier I am and it took me a long time to get there so I would just encourage anybody who's struggling with this to look around and listen to the stories other people have to share with you and to fake it till you make it. And I think it will happen for you. It did for me after 10 years. Thanks. I'm Marianne, and I'm an alcoholic. I'm really grateful to be here. I just love Alcoholics Anonymous, and to be here is such a gift from God. I just can't say enough good things about this conference. I came here for my first conference last year, and I hope to make it a yearly event. I love Step 2. When I came into Alcoholics Anonymous I was dying from active alcoholism. I was dying. You know, I was done. I had no place to go. I had no idea what I was going to do with my life, and one of the first things I heard, I heard all these things, but get a home group, start praying, many things. But the thing that stood out the most to me was get a sponsor, get a sponsored. And so I did. And within my first two weeks, I had a sponsor and she said, my job is to take you through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous so you can go through the 12 steps. And she said we're going to meet once a week and we're gonna start reading this together. And that's what we did and I had no idea. I had never been in Alcoholics Anonymous before. I have no idea what to expect. And we started meeting and we started reading. And when we got to step two, we would talk about each step and we would read a little and talk a little, and read a little ,and talk a little. And then we got the step two we were talking about this idea of insanity and she explained to me that the insanity of the alcoholic is the delusion that somehow someday I will be able to control and enjoy my drinking and that delusion has to be smashed. And that after knowing my first step where I gave many examples of how I was powerless over alcohol and you know how I would pick up the drink and then the drink would take me and then I'd be gone and I could not stop. You know, after all of these examples of powerlessness, to think that I would be able to drink in safety was insanity and that was the insanity of step two. And she said that, you know, I'm going to have to have something come between me and the drink and it needs to be a power greater than myself. And, you Know, we talked about what that would look like and, you Now, can I do that? Can I get a power bigger than myself? And I came here, like other people said too, I was kind of like a blank slate. And I said, yeah, you know, I'm willing to try that. And I heard today also that I had that gift of desperation. And I didn't know what that was. You know,I was just terrified. That's all I knew. And so she said, you know, when you get this higher power, you're going to need it because there's going to be a day when you won't be able to go to a meeting. You know? You won't find a meeting within your, you know vicinity. You're not going to be able to get somebody on the phone. There's going to be a time that you're going to want to drink. And, you know, you need that power to come between you and that drink. And, I'm just so absolutely grateful because I didn't know anything about Alcoholics Anonymous and to get this sponsor that knew the deal and was able to teach it to me because, you know, I had a really solid foundation right out of the chutes, not knowing, you know, not doing anything. And so I continued to go through the steps with her and, you know, I moved a lot around in Alcoholics Anonymous and I had different sponsors. And each time we went through the steps again to get to know each other better. And about eight years later, I was living in Sarasota, Florida, and I went on a vacation, a weekend up in New York City. And in Sarosota, Georgia, I was really busy in AA. I had sponsorship and service and I had a full-time job that I loved and life was really full. It was great. And I went to New York City on this vacation for the weekend, and I was feeling a little off. And I was all alone. And it was late at night, and, I don't know, I had this restless, irritable, discontent feeling. And I was in it with my sponsor. I've seen people do everything right in Alcoholics Anonymous, and they get drunk. And i've seen that people do everything wrong and they stay sober. So who knows what it was? But that night, I went out walking the streets of New York, and I felt the urge to drink. And I didn't know where I was. I had gotten off a train somewhere way far away from my hotel, and I was walking back to my hotel. And and I kept seeing the people drinking in the bars, you know, and that kind of the hotel Bill Wilson scene where they looked like they were having, you now, fun. And, and, I wanted that. I had that you know loneliness and and I started to pray and um I didn't know where I was as I said and I was just walking I remember it was raining and and i just kept saying god please keep me sober god please keeps me sober I was terrified I was going to drink and um i'm walking and i'm walking and I'm praying and i am praying and suddenly I for some reason I just stopped and I looked up and there on a door was a circle and a triangle and it's 9 30 at night so I'm thinking yeah, right, what's that going to do me? At first I was like oh thank God and then I'm like oh. And suddenly this man comes over and he goes you've got to ring the buzzer come on in. And so we went upstairs and there was a meeting at 930 at night. It was a rainbow meeting. It Was The Best Meeting I Ever Had. And I said I have eight years sober. I don't know what's going on but I think I want a drink. And that night God came between me and the drink and that's the insanity of the second step for me. Thanks. Thank you to our leaders as well as the sharers. Thank you very much. We'll now close the meeting. By group conscience, the Fellowship of the Spirit Conference does not close each meeting with the Lord's Prayer. Instead, we encourage the entire conference to be treated with an attitude of continuous prayer and we will then say the Lord'S Prayer together at the close of the conference on Sunday. Please help me close this meeting by joining hands for a moment of silence. Let us share our spiritual experience and strength with each other so that we may grow together in a greater understanding and love. Thank you.