Step 2 and the Dignity of Insanity – Ray V.

By the way, the watch doesn't run. Good morning, everybody. My name is Ray Bowell and I'm an alcoholic. And before I forget to do this, I'd like to thank the committee, Mike, all of the others who had a part of my being here for inviting us here. Someone asked me yesterday, do you have problems containing your ego when you're invited all over the country to speak? And my answer to that is if you keep in perspective the fact that you're here because you did worse than everybody else, it's not hard to maintain your ego. I would like to say to Cliff that having had the privilege of speaking at AA conferences in 45 of the 50 states I believe this morning is the worst introduction I've ever had. But then on the other hand, it is nice to be introduced after having had to be explained for so many years. As I said, I am an alcoholic. I'm also a preacher. I'm a Baptist preacher. I'm an American. I'm American. Thank you, Charlie. I am a Southern Baptist preacher I do not apologize for being a Southern Baptist preacher. I'm no more ashamed of that than I am being an alcoholic. They're both incurable. You have to learn to live with them. Well, you handled that pretty well. I also am a licensed therapist with a degree in psychology in the state of Texas. And those are the things I do. An alcoholic is what I am. And as a therapist, I work with people every day that are crazy as a bedbug. I don't have any sane people, because what sane people would go to somebody who has no concept of where he's been, what he's doing, where he is going, and only by the grace of God exists one day at a time for help with their emotional life? I think that if I had my life to live over, I would probably not be a Baptist pastor. I would be a televangelist. And I would tell you to send your money to God and I would give you my address I must say that my faith in televangelism has been somewhat shaken when people stand on TV and say to me, God told me to tell you. I don't understand that when I just talked to him this morning and he didn't even mention them. It would seem to me that if God were speaking to these people directly as they claim, he would have at some point said, Jimmy, don't pick up the prostitute. The police is right behind you. Before I begin, let me say that as I stand here looking into your 35,000 eager faces, I know what doesn't mean much to you, but can you imagine how that's going to sound on tape? Next Wednesday night at the West Shore Baptist Church in Sandia, Texas, the total population of Sandia. Sandia is less than my church membership. I don't live in Sandi. I live in the suburbs. I live eight miles out. Actually, we live in a little community called Lake Corpus Christi. It's a beautiful place. And God has been very, very gracious to us. What I hope to wind down our years in a place as lovely as this. But as I said, as a therapist, I sit in my office every day listening to people who are a lot crazier than we are, who don't have a clue. they have no idea what's going on in their lives and you know I listen to this garbage and they come back week after week every week and they say the same things over and over and I say you know what did you change this week nothing I said well what did we get this week same old stuff I said what does that tell you nothing and sometimes I just want to tell them you know why don't y'all go get drunk just go get drunk and stay drunk for 10 or 15 years and come back and I'll introduce you to some people that can help you I don't do that Blue Cross and Blue Shield doesn't cover that HMOs did not recognize that but you know back when I was in my doctoral program they insisted that I go through therapy and of course in therapy I found out that this is my father's fault my father drank I don't know I'm like John I don' t know if he was an alcoholic or not I know that the most that the highest priority in our home was his whiskey and then when he got paid on Friday first thing he bought was whiskey and then he bought groceries and then He brought other things and so this therapist keeps telling me you know that your Father is responsible for the way you are. And I like that. I like for anybody to be responsible other than I am. My father died on March 2nd of this year. And he had not had a drink in 18 years. and you know something funny I'm still the way I am I don't think I gave you my sobriety date it's July the 20th 1971 I have not had a drink in 23 years some odd months but you know somebody asked me yesterday what kind of therapy do you do and I said glazerian doesn't that sound impressive I'm a glazerion therapist Do you know what Glazerian therapy is? It's just simply reality. That if you've got the problem, getting over the problem is your responsibility. You know? And listen, I don't know what your mother did to you and I don' t know what your father did to your and I do' n't know how Aunt Susie had sex or if she had sex of how often she had sex, but I can tell you this thing, anything that happened prior to this morning, you getting up, you've already survived. So why in the hell do you want to keep bringing it up? I heard a story the other day, and I just loved it. Two priests were going to a retreat, and they had to walk. And they came to a river, and there was a little old lady sitting there, and she could not cross the river. And so they stopped and picked her up and carried her across the water. And after they'd sat her down on the other side, she thanked them. And they went on and one priest said to the other one, he said, you know, I'm really hurting from carrying that lady. He said, we're going to be late. And they walked on about another mile. And then one priest says to the old man, he says, my back is just killing me. We never should have stopped to carry that woman. Now, we were way behind on our schedule. And they Went on about five more miles. And he said I don't think I'm going to make it. He said I'm hurting so bad from carrying this woman. And he said, didn't it bother you? And the other guy said, it did when we had her. But I put her down at the edge of the river. You're still carrying her. There is a tombstone and a cemetery in McAllen, Texas. If you don't remember anything else I said this morning, just take this home with you and it'll be worth the trip. Ninety-five percent of what put me here never happened. Ninety-five percent of what put me in this grave never happened to me. And yet we spend all our time worrying about it. So anyway, I'm having to go through therapy. And I went to Faye and I said, I've got to have $500. I've Got to Go Through Therapy. She said, you don't need that. I said they say I have to have it. She said but it's a waste of time. And I said but they won't let me graduate if I don't do it. She said okay, spend the money, do it, but I can tell you what they're going to find out. You're nuts. you see she says to me that your problem basically Ray is that you don't see things the way other people see them and that's true I do not I'll admit that and I don't think I'm the one that's nuts I think it's them I don' t understand them and they don't understand me and you know what I don''t worry about them understanding me anymore And God knows I don't have time to try to figure them out. I'm 60 years old. I've got, you know, I'm worried about Social Security. You know? Back 23 years ago when I was drunk, I wasn't either social nor had any security. See, I didn't have anything to worry about then. Someone asked me the other day, said, Are you an ander? I said, I don' t know. What's that? Do you go to AA meetings and say, I'm an alcoholic and an addict? That's uh-uh. I'm not that. I'm a alcoholic, did have a lot of drugs. I'm going to talk about them this morning. Somebody said, what was your drug of choice? I said, What you got? You know, frankly, anything that would make me feel single and see double, I loved it. But my problem is alcohol. And so I ask you for just a minute this morning to kind of judge with me, is it me or them? Faye and I are sitting in a mall the other day, and the way we shop is I sit in the middle of the mall and I watch people. She goes out and bumps into stores, you know, and comes by and gets a load of money every little while. I'm sitting there and this couple are coming down through the mall, young teenage couple and this boy's girl, you now, and she spent $70, you know, for a pair of jeans with the holes in the knees. You know, they buy jeans now in the shape we used to throw them away. And they pay $60 for them. And this boy has got this punk rock haircut. I mean, it's spiked out to here, and it's orange on one side and blue on the other. And it's all right. I mean I'm not criticizing. I don't have enough hair to do that. But they stopped right in front of where I was sitting, and there was a sunglass booth in the middle of the mall, and he tries on these sunglasses and he turns around to her and he said, how do you like these? And she said, take those off. They make you look stupid. So I wonder, you know, is it me? I'm sitting in church the other morning. A lady passed by right in front of the oil pit. She had three little kids with her. She stopped right in Front of where I was standing, and she said to those children, Do you want a whipping? That's got to be the dumbest question I've ever heard. Can you imagine her reaction if that little child had said, Yes, Mama, beat hell out of me. So is it us? And so I decided if I was going to find any semblance of sanity in this world, then I must go back to church. Well, of course, I don't want to go to church, I want to run one. So I go to seminary, and I prepare myself for the ministry. And I almost didn't make it in seminary. I didn't understand a lot of those things they said. I still don't. Oh, you know, I'm a renegade. I just have to tell you all that now, you Know. I mean, every time they ever write any kind of evaluation on me, it's, what kind of preacher is this? I love it. One of my little boys in church, I heard him talking out in the vestibule one Sunday morning, and he said he had a friend he'd brought to church with him, a little boy about 11 years old, and he turned around to his friend and he says, you're going to love our preacher. He said, he don't preach no doctrine or nothing. I love that. I love it. Said, he's about our age. Isn't that great? Isn't it great to a gray-haired old man, you know, 60 years old, that kids can identify with him? You know? I face that with reality. So I go to seminary and I come out and they inflict me on a little church in Simmons, Texas. Now, Simmons ain't on the way to nowhere. If you ever get to Simmons, it'll be because you deliberately went to Simmons. The road ends at Simmons. And so I go out to visit my flock. I'm going to gain the meaning of life. And so, I visit three little old maids right off the bat. Now, we don't say old maid in the Baptist church anymore. It's single by choice. See, I have a problem. We've got all this stuff. You know, the women have gotten into the church and you know what I'm saying? They're taking authority. And I love the women. Don't misunderstand me. But terminology bothers me. See, we can't say hymnal in the Baptist church anymore. We tried hernal. That didn't work. So now we sing out of our personals. Somehow, I have problems there, you know. When my song leader says, Would you all stand and take your personals in hand? Some kind of happens. So I'm visiting these three little ladies that are single by choice, whom I personally feel if they had ever had a choice. And they, of course, in the traditional way, they invite me to have cake and coffee. And I said yes. And they all three get up and go to the kitchen. And I look over, there's a bowl of peanuts on the table. And I'm sitting there reading a magazine eating peanuts. And before they got back, I ate that whole bowl of peanut. And they came back and the lady said, well, I see you found our peanuts. And I said, yes, ma'am, I'm sorry. I did not mean to eat all of the peanuts. She said, oh, that's no problem. Since we had our teeth pulled, we can't do nothing but suck the chocolate off of them anyway. Oh, my God! So I'm sitting here drinking coffee and eating cake with three little old ladies who are single by choice. And I look up on the piano, and there's a glass of water with a condom floating in it. And I'm trying not to look. Have you ever noticed when there's something You don't want to look at No matter where you look There it is And I couldn't stand it And I asked one of those ladies What is that? And she said We don't know We found it in the park And it said on the package place on organ for prevention of disease. And she said, we don't have an organ so we put it on the piano and she says you know we haven't even had a cold all winter so so I shared this story at the Cornhuskers Roundup in Omaha, Nebraska and there's always one Bob you know Always one at every meeting. A little lady comes up to me at the end of the meeting, and she says, you did not tell the end of the story. And I said, what story? And she said, why was the condom in a glass of water? And I says, hell, lady, I don't know. I made the whole thing up. I mean, you don't really believe that a Southern Baptist preacher You're fresh out of the seminary sitting in a room with three old maids talking about condoms. Surely not. Well, let me get on to the business at hand. And by the way, I know there are not as many people here as there were last night to hear Johnny 8 speak, but they didn't have to pay $350 door prize to get you here. On July the 19th, 1971, in a little tract home out in a town called Irving, Texas, where the Cowboys play, I said to my wife one evening, it would appear that I have a problem with alcohol. And she said, I've noticed that. And I said, and I think I'll join Alcoholics Anonymous. She said, that might be worth a shot. And so I went down to the Irving Group of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I signed up for membership. And I came back home, and we became deliriously happy. Fell madly in love, and the children started making straight A's in school. All the crabgrass died in our lawn. Ed McMahon came by. And we have never had a problem since. Now, if you believe that, let's all stand, join hands and say the Lord's Prayer. For you're too stupid to hear the rest of what I've got to say. On July 19, 1971, I came to the Irving Group of Alcoholics Anonymous because I didn't have anywhere else to go. And as I stand here this morning, I believe if I could have found one more person that would have believed one more lie, If I could have run one more scam, if I could have bummed one more dime, if i could have found one sympathetic word in this world, I would still be drunk. My wife, and by the way we've been married almost 40 years. With the exception of my sponsor, I'm the only couple that's still married to the same person they started out with in my group. That's sort of a miracle too. Doesn't say much for her intelligence. In forty years, I've won one argument. I'm smarter than she is. I am smarter than he is. Look at who she married. I wouldn't have married anybody like she did if I had. I couldn't stay there forty years. I don't have the ability. See, I believe that the people who live with us get a whole lot sicker than we do because they have no relief. When life gets bad for us, we go crawl into our holes and we retreat within ourselves and we stay there until we can bear to come out or until we're forced to come out. Those poor people who live with us have to stay out there and face the reality of the world every day. My wife came to me and she said, the children and I have met and we have audited you. And I said, how did I make out? And she said, we figured out it cost us $500 a month more to keep you than you're bringing in, and we can't afford you any longer. And I said, but where must I go? And she said, I don't know. What am I to do? I don' t know. What's going to happen to me? I d' n't have any idea, but we're not going to watch it any longer. And I said, may I use your telephone? I didn't have one. I didn'T need one. She had one.She said, for what?I said, I want to call Alcoholics Anonymous. She said, what for what. See, I knew about AlcoholicsAnonymous. I called them on a regular basis. In the Irving group of Alcoholics Anonymous, they have an electronic answering machine. One of my best friends. And I would call and I would get that machine and it would say the most beautiful words I ever heard. There's no one here at this time. And then I would break the connection and I would confess. AndI would tell AlcoholicsAnonymous what a terrible person I was and all the bad things that I had been doing. Andthen I would go back and she would say, What did they say? And I would tell her that they told me maybe I should switch to white wine for a while because red wine seemed to be affecting my personality. And she would believe that because she needed so desperately to believe in something. You see, any ray of hope, any glimmer of possible change, and there was none. And so I went in and I called the Irving Group of Alcoholics Anonymous and got a people on the phone. God, I hated that. I didn't like people. I really did not care much for people. You see, people will tell your wife where you've been when you disappear for two weeks. People will fire you just because you didn't show up for a week. People will send your checks back from the bank just because você não faz depósitos. I still don't like bankers. Bankers are all crazy. Why else would they charge you $25 of what they already know you ain't got when you write a bad check? And they send you those lies, you know. They send you these letters stamped final notice and they're lying. Because if you don't call them or go down there, they'll send you another one. And so I get this people on the phone, and I said, I would like to talk to somebody about drinking. And that was the truth. And he said, we're having a meeting now. Are you able to come? And I said can you come if you've been drinking? And he says most people have. And so I went back in and I went to my secret hiding place that everybody knew about. I had no secrets. I carried a ton of secrets and had none. I lived in a town of 100,000 people and I was the only one there that did not know I was an alcoholic. I lived on a farm and I didn't have any friends. I lived with a community of about 3,000 people and I wasn't the only person in that community that was unaware that I was an alcoholic and so I go into my secret hiding place that everybody knew about and I get out my hidden bottle of Mad Dog Doocy Doocy because I was in my ethnic period at this time. Fine old cultural wine. And I pour out a water glass of Mad Dog Dizzy Dizzy and my wife said, What in the world are you doing? And I said, The man at AA said have a drink and come on down there. You must understand when you deal with alcoholics that they have this anatomical ability to hear what they want to hear regardless of what's been said. You see, we are different from other people, not just psychologically and emotionally, but we are anatomically different. You see we know, innately we know that the eardrum and the jawbone does not work at the same time. And if we talk we don't have to listen and we can hear what we want to hear regardless of what's been said. And one of the most beautiful things I've heard this weekend, I heard in the coffee shop when somebody said, I have no idea what they said, I just know what I heard. I spent my life like that. My whole church experience was based upon hearing what I had to say. What I heard and not what they had to hear. Although I still think some of the things they said were crap. Because they're still saying it and I'm sober. they're still saying that same stuff. And so I have my glass of Mad Dog Boosie Doosie, and I get in the car and I go to AA, and when I got there it was gone. Didn't surprise me because it wasn't unusual for me to call somebody and tell them I was coming and they'd be gone. Happened a lot. I went to the wrong address. I went through a real estate sales meeting. They look like alcoholics. I asked them if they were alcoholics. I broke up the sales meeting, and by now you see I know. I know now that I've made an effort. My wife's going to feel better. I can go back home. And so I go back, and when I get home, everything I own is on the front porch. Wasn't any big deal. It all fit in one pillowcase. And I rang the doorbell, and I said, Can I use your phone again? And she said, For what? And I said, they were gone. I know by now they'll be gone home. I'll get the machine. I can confess. She'll feel better. We'll get some sleep. See, we've played out our roles for years and years and ears. We have, you know, we're actors. We're actors, we communicate real well. We just don't ever express any feelings nor experience any feelings. You know, мы can talk in depth about the groceries. I mean, we can have a three-hour conversation over changing the oil in the car. But when she says, I feel, I said goodbye. Who cares? Who cares how somebody else feels if you have the inability to feel? Because you know what's coming. If you let them tell you how they feel, they're going to want to know how you feel. How can you have a conversation when you don't know? I love what John said last night. I've known John for 20 years. I love him. Glad I didn't know him when he was drunk, but I love Him. And we have this ability that we develop that we mask ourselves and we stay inside that. The most ridiculous thing about this whole system is that we base our entire lives on what we think other people are thinking. I'm going to give you a free psychology session here. Cost you $110 in my office. I'm gonna give it to you free. It's the only thing I really have to give as a psychologist. With all my degrees, I've got four college degrees, by the way. My sponsor said that's great. A rectal thermometer has 106 degrees. You know what they do with that But with all my education I've learned one thing And I have one thing to impart Sometimes it takes me six or eight months To do it Because they won't listen They won't hear You see people like us Don't want to hear We already have made up our minds the one thing if you take it away from this meeting that can change your life forever is this one fact you never know what other people are thinking even if they tell you you don't know and isn't it ridiculous that we spend our whole lives comparing our insides to other people's outsides and they're doing the same thing to us that we're doing to them they're only showing us the good part We don't go around showing the bad part unless we're drunk. That's when we're real. See, the real part of me was that I love what Bill Cosby said once. He was speaking to a group at Harvard, you know, and he was talking about using cocaine. And he said, why would y'all use cocaine? In this seat of learning, why in the world would you use cocaine ? And they said, well, it expands your personality. He said, what if you're an asshole to start with? You never know what other people are thinking. So I called on to the AA group, and the people were still there. The people were there, and I get this people on the phone, and I said, hey, would somebody come over here in two or three days and talk to me. I think I've got a problem. And the idiot says, we can come now. I'm an alcoholic. I'm not stupid. My wife is standing there. My stuff is out in the yard. I have no place to go, no place for sleep, no money. Nobody wants me. Nobody cares where I am or if I ever show up. And I said, well, come on. And my wife says, what do we do now? And I say, you take the kids and you go in the back of the house because big stuff's fixing to happen over here. And I went and got another glass of Mad Dog Doocy Doocy to meet the people who were coming to help me with my drinking problem. You see, I knew what they were going to do. They were going come to my house, they were gonna come into my living room and they were gong to tell me that I couldn't drink anymore and I was going to whip their ass. I can take care of that deal. I don't know about you, but people were always telling me I could not drink. You know, my father said, son, you can't drink. The judge who ordered me out of the county where I was born said, son, your basic problem is you can'T drink. The deputy sheriff who carried me to the state line at West Point, Georgia, right there in Alabama on the Chattahoochee River, and he said, don't look back. He said, your real problem, son is you caN'T drink I had total strangers walk up to me. I'd be laying on my back in the sidewalk puking straight up. And they'd say, son, you can't drink. I'd go, what the hell do they think that is? I could drink. I wasn't much of a father. I was a terrible employee. I was an awful citizen. I served no useful purpose to humanity, but I could drank. My wife says, don't say puke behind the podium. I don't know how to describe what I did any other way I've never burped up, choked, vomited or thrown up or barked in my life I puke I'm talking about hair and toenails things you know I mean you never forget that did you know that? 23 years sober I can still puke I can puke standing straight up and not get any on my shoes. I might get some on your shoes, but who the hell cares? These two idiots show up at my house named James and John. That's appropriate. You bet. And they said stupid things. They said, take it easy. God, you couldn't take it much easier than I was taking it. They said let go and let God. I didn't have a hold of anything that I had. I'm sure God would not have wanted it. He said, do you think you can go one day without a drink? I said, well, of course. And then they got smart and said, when did you? I said I don't keep records on that sort of thing. but as I stand here 23 years later I still can't tell you how long it had been since I had gone 24 hours without a drink and that's how I got to Alcoholics Anonymous they went home and they said they tried to get me to go with them and I wouldn't do it and I wound up at the Irving Group of Alcoholics Anonymous at 10 o'clock the next morning so sick I thought I would die. Because you see, they said just don't drink today. And they didn't tell me what would happen if I did. And I thought they had Oral Roberts me and if I drank something might fall off. At 10 o'. The next morning I'm standing in the door of the Irving group of Alcoholic Anonymous and I mean literally in the doorway and the ugliest guy I ever met in my life came up to me and he said, Son, you're in the right place. And I said, You don't know me. He said, No, but I know thousands like you. And he said would you like a cup of coffee? And I say, Please. I'm still standing at the door. He goes and brings me a cup. I drank the coffee and puked on the carpet. And I knew my A.A. days were over. Because when you puke on the carpet, they make you leap. Always. Always. Without exception, when you Puke on The Carpet, they Make You Leap. You can puke On Linoleum, you can puce On Marble, you Can Puke On Parquet, But Don't Puke ON Carpet. People Are Sensitive About Their Carpet But, you know, a funny thing happened. D.J. said, that's okay. And he took me by the arm and he led me over into the corner where there was a couch. And I know now that that's where they took the real sick people. And they had this couch in the corner and they had comfortable chairs kind of lined up semicircle. And D.J. came back with a glass and a bucket. And I said, what's in the glass? And he said, honey, orange juice, and raw egg. And then I knew what the bucket was for. And he says, drink this. And I did, and I puked in that bucket. And D.-J. comes back with another mop and another bucket and cleans up the carpet. and then he brings me another glass of honey, orange juice and raw egg and I drank it and puked in the bucket. And then a strange thing happened. The two men who had been at my house the night before showed up and they sat in those comfortable chairs in front of the couch and watched me drink honey, Orange juice and Raw egg and puke in the bucket while they told funny stories about people who drink honey orange juice and raw eggs and pecan buckets. This is 23 years ago. We only had two treatment centers in the city of Dallas. One was Beverly Hills, and you know what that was. I have since sued Beverly Hills for stealing my treatment method. They used the evasion technique. They would put you in a room and make you drink until you puked. I invented that. I've never known it to make anybody stop drinking, but boy, you know. The other one was called the Rehab Center, and it was on South Harwood in the market in Dallas, and it didn't have a roof. The roof had burned off. It cost $10 a week. That's the one I got to go to. Only briefly, because I didn't have enough money but one week. It was $10. And they sat there and finally about mid-afternoon I said, how about me just pouring this in this bucket? And they explained to me that every time I drank some of that I was keeping down some protein and some sugar and it was keeping me from going into DTs and I knew DTs. I knew DTs. I didn't know much about alcoholism, but I knew DTs, you know. I had a country and western band that sang in my bathroom. And I was the lead singer. So one of the biggest shocks I got in sobriety was to find out I couldn't play the guitar. I had been playing for years. And I left to cook, and my hobby was cooking, and I would cook for my band. And my favorite food is grits. And I only knew how to cook them in a box at the time. If you cook a whole box of grits, the only thing that will hold them is a big salad bowl. And if you've got a salad bowl full of gruts, it takes a whole pound of margarine to go in there. And then you eat them with a big salad spoon, one of them big wooden spoons. Well, if you're eating a bowl full of grits with a pound of margarine with a wooden spoon, you can't do it with clothes on. And so I would get up in the middle of the bed and I would sit cross-legged with this big bowl of gruts naked and the band would stand around and we would eat and pick. And Faye would come home and she would say, it's time for your band to go home. And they were afraid of her. I would say to y'all, don't have to go, but they'd run. They'd leave. And then I'd have to eat all them grits. which might explain the fact that when I came to AA, I weighed almost 400 pounds. I had other problems. And so they said if you drink this, you won't have DT's and I drank it. And I could go on and on and tell you all the brilliant things that I learned in AA and how intelligent I am. I mean, I love what John said about the keen mind last night because I possessed one. And I almost intellectualized myself to death. And when I first came to AA and people found out that I had some education, a lot of these guys held me in awe because I went down every morning and sat and gave them benefit of my knowledge. So we had about 10 or 15 guys that met at our AA group every morning and drank coffee because it was free. and they waited for somebody to come and hire them. And I thought, that's a neat deal. I went down and waited for someone to come hire me. If I was, I already had a job. I heard a speaker say one night, if you've got a job and you don't like it, quit. And I loved that, so I went downstairs and quit. I went back and told my sponsor, and he said, you go back and unquit. Just because you don' t like a job, you don''t quit. So, you know, I'd sit there and I went to meetings every night because they didn't have anywhere else to go. And I'm sitting there one night waiting for my turn to speak, thinking about what I'm going to say. When my turn came, I would say it, and then I'd spend the rest of the hour thinking about what I had said. What the hell are y'all laughing about? You've all done the same thing. And I want to say this to you. If you don't get anything out of AA but what you bring here, you're in a hell of a mess. And I'm sitting there waiting to regale these people with my vast knowledge of AA. Suddenly dawned on me. I looked up there and it said we admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable. I just thought that was great. I jumped up the next morning, and I went down to see the county sheriff, and I said, Sheriff Decker, guess what? I'm powerless over alcohol. My life has become unmanageable. He said, Ray, I'm glad to hear that, but you're still going to the joint if you don't make them checks good. I went out to see my boss, and there was a stranger sitting at my desk. Found out he'd been there three months. I said to Dr. Alexander, I've got a hell of a shock there. I said, that's good, but Friday is still your last day. I called Faye. I said honey, guess what? I've just realized I'm powerless over alcohol. My life is unmanageable. She said, That's great, but you can't live here. But you know a strange thing happened. I got a call from the district attorney's office. And they said, Ray, Mr. Wade, who is the district's attorney and Sheriff Decker got together yesterday. and they've decided to put your case on hold for 120 days to see how you do. I got a call from my work and they said, we're going to continue your probation for another 90 days to See How It Works. They said, you still can't stay here. But I thought, hey, two out of three is a better deal than I got anywhere else See, I had gone back to AA and told them this didn't work But it does work It does work So I'm sitting in AA My favorite meeting was Saturday night We have beginners meetings in Irving on Saturday night And that's my favorite meeting I love beginners meetings I don't know if you ever go to Beginner's. Oh, I just love them. God, I still do. I just like to go because it's better than MTV or the Comedy Club or the Improv. Beginner'S meetings, man, I tell you what, they ought to televise them things. I mean, a Beginner'Meeting goes something like this. You know, the first speaker will say, I used to drink shoe polish. And the next speaker will said, hell, that ain't nothing. I usedto drink kerosene lit. You know, the next speaker said I got drunk one time in Memphis And woke up in Nashville Next speaker said Hell, that's nothing I got drank one time In Montreal, Canada And wokeup in Hong Kong In my car The next figure says, I've been married four times. The next figures, hell, that ain't nothing. I've Been Married 18 Times, Twice Since Lunch, Once to My Sister. That's kind of the way a beginner's meeting is going. I'm sitting there waiting for my turn. And we got this irascible old fart named Curly who had 28 years' sobriety and he grinned all the time, and I hated his brains and guts. Because Curly had this irritating habit of asking the group questions and looking straight at me. And I would answer him. And he interrupted the meeting, and he said, I'd like to ask all of you people a question, and he looked right straight at him. Have any of you ever been so drunk that you did not remember what you did? And I said, of course. And he said, I'd like to ask everybody else another question. And he looked right straight at me. Have you ever woke up in the bed with a 95-year-old woman with sores all over her body? And I asked him, have you ever woken up in bed and I said no. And he says, how do you know? The other book that I work out of is called the Holy Bible, and I make no apologies for that. And in that book it says God works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform. And that remark by that old man put me square into the program of alcoholics and arms. Sounds funny today. I walked out of that meeting, and I went to my sponsor's house. I have to tell you real quick about my sponsor. Sorriest man that ever lived. I made a career out of trying to get him to say one time what a good job I was doing in AA and the kindest thing he ever said to me was I don't think you're going to make it and that was about six months before he died when I had 18 years sobriety see Al was the only person in our group who had ever seen me drunk Al's wife was in business next door to me I had a pool room still have the books if you'd like to see what a successful entrepreneur I am I think we made $2.98 that year didn't we they kept the books I don't know what she did with all that money and Al used to say to me, son, boy, one of these days that old booze is going to get you. And Al came up to me one night and he said, do you remember me? And I said, sure I do. And he said I'm your sponsor. And I says, I haven't chosen a sponsor yet. He said, yes you have and I'm him. I said I thought you got to choose your own sponsor. He says, you do, you did and I'm him. And then he looked at me with pity in his eyes and said, you don't understand, do you? And I said, no, sir. He said, we drew straws and I lost. You see, what stands before you this Sunday morning in a white suit is not what we're talking about. When I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I had no trouble getting a chair because when I sat somewhere, a lot of people moved. My personal hygiene was less than adequate, because I stopped bathing when Faith started hiding my pants. And in September of 1971, there was a meeting of the steering committee of the Irving Group of Alcoholics Anonymous, and the topic was me. And the general consensus was, if they kicked me out, I would probably die. And if I were going to be allowed to continue to come to meetings, someone had to take charge of me because I was too disruptive. And they actually did draw straws. and Al lost. And that's one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me. When He sent Al Z into my life, He sent a man who absolutely had the ability to love you rock hard. And we began a program. That night I ran to Al's house and I was standing on his front porch crying And he came to the door and he said, what's wrong? And I said, a terrible thing. I just found out I don't know what I've done. And he said none of us do. And I says, to hell with the rest of you. I'm talking about me. And he says, what does that mean? And I say, it means I can never again look down my nose at another human being because I don' t know what I've done. See, I have no right to judge you because I d'on't know what I'm guilty of. And he said, it just might be that you're ready to take certain steps. And we began a program that night. Al taught me that there were three meanings of AA. There's Alcoholics Anonymous, Absolute Abstinence, and there's Admitted and Accepted that we are powerless over alcohol. And until you do that third AA, nothing happens. You see, they say there's no must in this program. But there are two musts in my life. Number one, to be an alcoholic, I had to drink alcohol. We've got a lot of people that want to be in our program that don't have that must. And the other must is if you want to become an alcoholic. If you want it to be AA, you've got to stop. You can attend meetings all you want too, but if you wanted to be on the program and you wanted be a part of this, you've gotta stop. That's admitted and accepted. that we're powerless over alcohol. Step two, I had no problem with it at all. I was so thrilled to find out that I was insane. The dignity of insanity was a blessing because, you see, I thought I was just sorry as hell. I had been told all my life I was sorry as hill. And so I set out to prove that. You know, there's a psychological basis for that, but I'm not going into psychobabble with you. You tell somebody something long enough, they'll believe it. And I set out to be as sorry as I could and at 38 years of age on September the 19th of 1971 I brought that sorry condition to you and you did not judge. You just took me by the hand and said come in and sit down and you made me puke in a bucket. What a simple solution to her complex problem. Nobody had ever sat and watched me puke before. I'm not being funny. People turn their heads out there when you puke. Alcoholics hold your head, bring you cool towels, and make you pupe more. You see, I remember saying to Faye Don't let the neighbors know that I've been drinking And she would say How must I explain you being naked out in the yard? And I would say Tell them I'm sick Or I have a psychiatrist story We all have one, you know Nothing wrong with psychiatrists, by the way. It's just we lie to them. Give them the truth. They may help you. Save your money and work the steps and stay in the program. Don't spread that in Texas now. I need money. You don't need a psychiatrist. Find a good psychologist. what you really need to do is find you a good AA therapist and then call me because I want to meet them they took me to this psychiatrist and he looked at me and he said son I said yes sir he said I'm going to give you some pills. I said, You are? He said, Uh-huh. I love that. I love pills. I want you all to know as I stand here this morning, I'm an alcoholic. I'm here because I'm alcoholic. But I love bills. It won't have anything to do with me being here. I just love pills。 I love big pills, little pills, short pills, long pills, red pills, green pills, brown pills, square pills. I just like pills. I don't care what they do, I just love pills. I've got 400 up there in my room right now. They're all vitamins, but I still love pills! So there are some good things about being an alcoholic. One is I can take pills. When I'm sick, I can drink a lot of them. I can have a handful of pills that big, don't have a problem swallowing them. I can drinking anything. They come in, you know, My wife just had a procedure and she had to drink a gallon of stuff before surgery, you know. And she said, oh, this is awful. I said, I could do that in three drinks. I can guarantee you what she drank didn't taste like what I've drank. Anyway, he said, you Know, I'm going to give you some pills. I said well, great. I love pills. Back when I was drinking the first place I'd go when I come to your house is your bathroom. I want to look in your medicine cabinet. I've had enough of my doll. I wouldn't have a cramp. I'd live to be 150 years old. I know we'll forget finding the little plastic thing with dates on it, you know. I took the 26th, 27th, and 28th. I shared that with a friend of mine who is a Jesuit priest up in Canada. He died a couple of years ago, and I said, I was telling Tom about that. He said, Ray, did it ever occur to you you may be responsible for getting some woman pregnant you never even met? So I said what kind of pills are these? He said well if you drink they're going to make you deathly sick. I said hell, I already get deathly thick when I drink. He said do you know you're going get deathily sick when you drink anyway? I said uh-huh. He said I don't understand that. I said maybe. So he gave me these pills, and he was right. Man, I got sick. Almost died. Went to intensive care. Would have been there longer, but I drank the alcohol out of the thermometer glass. I know about insanity. And then we came to step three, and I said, Well, wait a minute, Al, I don't want to do that now. That's got God. I mean, I don't know if any of you people are new today and you're having a problem with the steps. Quit worrying about it. It's real easy. I did them the first week I was here. No problem. You know, step one said we admit it. I didn't, so I went to two, and it said insanity, and I wouldn't, and I went through three, and they said God, and then I went on to four, and it says make a searching, and oh, I ain't going to do that. So then it says admit. If you don't do four, you've got nothing to admit, so it went to six. And six said entirely, and that wasn't, so I won to seven, it said humbly, and wasn't that either, so I win to eight, and all you've harmed, I never had, So I went to nine. If you didn't make eight, you can't do nine. And if you didn' t do four, you ca' n't do ten. So I wen' t to eleven. And I didn' d pray, so I wen't to twelve. I had had no spiritual awakening. I was true. And I said, Hey, Al, I don' t want to do this spirit thing. He said, It' s not something you do. It' m something you accept. And I said, yeah, but I don't know anything about God. And he said, oh, everybody knows something about God, tell me what you know about God and I said all I know is what somebody told me down in South Georgia that he was going to punish me for everything I'd ever done and he said God makes you awfully important doesn't he? You see I know today that my concept of God was listening to other people tell me what I had to do to please them so God would love me. I listened to preachers until I wanted to puke on the church carpet. Tell me what i had to go to please then so god would love me i remember my father one time there was having a dance at home and i want to go real bad. All my friends were going, and Dad said, you shan't go. You cannot go there because you'll see things you've got no business seeing. Well, then I had to go. No choice. And I hadn't been there ten minutes until I understood what my father was talking about. I saw him. I saw him And see, I grew up saying Well look, I can't do this I cannot do this I fail every time I try to do what you tell me I must do to please you So God will love me Every attempt I have ever made To do what You say I must to please You So God would love me Has failed Why try? And I was very, very resistant to religion, and I still am today. And if God gives me the grace to live, I will continue to be resistant to religion. Because religion to me today is men trying to impress other men with how good they are. But you see, the spirituality that God sent me through you in meetings like this is simply developing the ability to be humble enough so God can show me how good He is. That's the difference. And as long as God gives me grace and breath, I will preach that message in any church I have the privilege to be head of. And I know that by doing that, I'll never preach in a high steeple church. You see, I'm privileged to have a little small church of about 90 people in a little place called Lake Corpus Christi, Texas, who need me. Where every day I have the privilege of serving God's people. I'm not going to preach at you this morning, but I just want you to understand one thing. I would preach, but you didn't take up an offer. Two thousand years ago, people out there went to the Son of God, Jesus Christ, and said to Him, what is the most important commandment? What must we do to be good people? And He said, love God. And that's what our program says. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God. Not my God, but your God. And then he said, But remember, the only way you have to show God you love Him is to love each other. and I can stand on the top of the staple of the highest church and scream, God, I love you. But if I'm not loving the other people around me, you wouldn't hear. Boy, I'm smart, aren't I? You know what? I learned that in such a simple way. a little fellow named Tom Owens from Lake Providence, Louisiana taught me that in 1973. And I'm going to share it with you the way he shared it with me and I'm gonna steal the story from him. Normally when we tell a story twice on the podium it's ours but I never steal this one. I took this from Tom O'Sullivan. He's dead, I can say his name. Is that it? I don't know. Don't matter, I'll take it anyway. He's old, I'm whooping. In 1955, at the Naval Hospital in San Diego, California, I walked into the nurse's station on the chest ward. I was working in cardiovascular thoracic surgery and I had on my scrubs. My feet were covered, everything was covered but my eyes and my nose. and I walked in and I saw this gorgeous creature standing there and I fell immediately into need and she fell into sick and she said to me if you want what I've got and are willing to go to anything to get it you must take certain steps And some of these I bought But my efforts were nil until I let go absolutely And we were married in February I mean in May That was February of 1955 And we got married in May of 1955 And I thought I knew and understood her and she thought she knew and understood me and we were both so wrong but we knew one thing about each other and that was just enough to know we wanted a relationship for life with each other and that would be that was sufficient unto the day for us to begin and that's all step three says You know, you say, I was raised to believe that before God would love me, I had to know all about God. We've been married almost 40 years, and I can stand here this morning and say I know a whole heck of a lot more about Faye Bowell than I did on May the 28th of 1955. And she knows a whole lot more than I do. She knows a lot about me. But I can also say I don't know everything there is to know about Faye Vowell. But I know enough to know this, that I want to continue in the relationship. And you see, when I found God through this program, I didn't know anything about God at that point except to know that He could do for me what I could not do for myself and I wanted to begin a relationship with Him doing that. Now I've been sober 23 years, I know a little bit more about God and spirituality and humility than I knew then. And I hope if I'm here 23 years from now I can stand and say I know more today than I did the last time I was here. And I'll never know it all, but I know enough today to know I want to continue that relationship. And that's step three. Then come out of the steeple it came out of rooms like this it came out of evidence of looking at people like you and seeing the change in your life I'm not going through all the steps, don't get nervous Bob we're going to finish on time Bob recorded me in Selma, Alabama one night at an anniversary and the end of the tape goes like this One hand clap and it was over. Oh, Bob said I'm going to sweat with this board, I thought. Let me share just a few minutes with you of what it's been like since. Liz, I want to share something with you because I would not say anything behind your back. I wouldn't say to your face. I am? You said something the other night, and I went back to my room, and I kept saying, this doesn't fit. This doesn't mean that. And I know what you meant, andI know what I heard. It may not be anything at all the same. But she said, I don't have a new story. I've got the same old story. And about one o'clock it finally came to me. That's not true. I've known Liz for, God, a long time. And she has a new story every time I see her because her sobriety lengthens. You see, she meant she has no new drunk experiences to tell you. Aren't you glad I came to explain what you meant? And I meant that in all love, and I meant what it meant to me. You see, if I could not close this talk by sharing with you that my life is continuing to get better, then I shouldn't be here at all. I'm sitting in the Irving Group of Alcoholics Anonymous one Saturday afternoon. I've been in the program about two years. I've worked these steps. Al has drugged me through every knothole there is to be drugged through. And I'm standing there, and they're setting up for bingo. and that's gambling and we don't believe in that. And after bingo they're going to take those tables down and they're gonna dance and we're not gonna dance and we won't believe in that and beside that those kids who were doing that who had about 20 minutes sobriety were laughing and telling jokes and were not taking my program programmed properly serious. I was a book toter. I'd hit you with it. I once said to Al, I sleep with this book. He said, It shows. He opened it up one time and three pages had never been cut at the printer. And that was in the first 174 pages. He once made me sit down and count the number of times the pronoun I is used in the First 134 Pages. If you've never had that, you ought to try it sometime. And I got up and I stomped out of that room and I went down to see my sponsor and I said, those people up there are not serious. He said, maybe you should lighten up. I said I want to know one thing and I love that man more than my own father. He never lied to me. I didn't often like what he said. He died on Christmas Day eight years ago. And I said, I want to know one thing. When is something good going to happen to me in Alcoholics and Hops? And he looked at me in all seriousness and he said, Maybe you're one of those people that good things never happen to. And I believed that. And he looked at me and he said, Ray, where do you sleep these days? And I said, over in the master bedroom of my home in North Irby. And he said to me, how are your children, Ray? And I thought, there's so many kids hanging around my house, sometimes I have to go to the service station to use the bathroom. And he said, huh. How are things at work, Ray? And I said, you know I've been promoted. I'm now head of the department. How did you get down here today, Ray ? And I say, in my new car. And he looked at me and he said I hope you stay around Alcoholics Anonymous long enough for some good things to happen to you. I went down to a little park that afternoon and I sat under a pecan tree and I cried for about two hours. For the first time, I was able to feel deep down in here. I thought about my little boy the night they came and took me away the second night and they were at that time at a meeting and he took his change out of his pocket and he went to a phone booth across the street and he called his grandmother in Kentucky and all he could say was, Mom, my daddy don't drink no more. I thought about the day that my wife invited me to the voice recital. I didn't want to go. She insisted. And when we got there it was my daughter. And I sat there and cried during that concert because my daughter sang in five languages that day. And I didn't even know she could sing. I thought about the night my son graduated from high school, graduated in Irving Stadium where the Cowboys played. Thousands of people there that night. All of them had expected to be there for four years. But I was there because I had been invited by my son, who was no longer ashamed of his father. And after the graduation, he brought his friends up. And he said, this is my daddy. And we're proud of him. And this is the little boy that used to be so afraid of his father that he would hide in the shrubbery at night until I passed out before he'd come in house. I thought about the next year when my daughter graduated, and this year we're on the front row. And she brought her friends up, and she said, this is my daddy. And we're proud of him. Ten years ago, no, 14 years ago I said to my wife, I'd like to go back to school and get my doctorate. She said, why don't you? And I said, well, I'll be 50 years old before I graduate. She said, hell, in four years you're going to be 50 either way. Let me correct that. She didn't say hell. She never has. I enrolled in school, was accepted. I went back. And on May the 14th, 1984, I graduated summa cum laude with a Ph.D. in Christian psychology. On October 15, 1984, our daughter presented us with the most beautiful, most intelligent, most perfect little red-headed grandson. Unless it was the one that was born three years later or the little granddaughter who was born four years after that. In 1987, I was attending a school of prophets at First Baptist Church in Dallas, Texas. And my daughter came to me. We had a suite of rooms and a hotel there. And she came to Me and said, Daddy, how would you like to take Ryan and keep him overnight? And I said, You'd let me do that? And she said, Yes. The little boy had never spent the night away from his parents. And I went to Wal-Mart and bought $40 worth of red trucks. And we're sitting in that hotel room and that little red-headed boy is down there playing with those trucks and every little while he would throw those trucks down and he'd come and he would climb up to my lap. He put his arms around my neck and he said, Papa, I love you. And then he'd be gone and in a little while he'd throw those drugs down and he came back. He put His arms around me. And again I cried. Not because the little boy said, I Love You. but because I had been trusted by my daughter who used to be so afraid of her father that she would lock herself in the bathroom and sleep in the bathtub with the most precious possession she had, her child. And I knew that night that not only am I recovering, not only are we going to have a baby, not only Am I forgiven, but I've been restored to the place where I would choose to be had I never drank. i could go on and on telling you about stories but three years ago i was on the way to speak at a conference in oklahoma and i got a call on my car phone from my son-in-law and he said kitty's in the hospital she's about to deliver and i said i'll come home and he said no she said you would say that and she said for you to go on and do what you need to be she's fine i called home and my wife said we have a granddaughter and I said great I'll come back and as soon as I got through speaking I went home we went straight to the hospital and she said guess what your granddaughter's name is and I says I don't know and she says Jacqueline Ray and we went straight to the hospital and I sat down and I took her hand in my hand and I asked why didn't you name either one of those boys after me and she said daddy that's the first name I ever picked out but it just had to be a little girl it just had to be for a little girl I'm privileged as I said to pastor a little church in Texas and you know what I'm so happy to have that privilege I have a little private practice there and I'm currently seeing 12 patients and 10 of them are pro bono if you don't know what that means that means they ain't paying me but you see God put me in a little county in South Texas where there is no other therapist. There has never been a therapist in this little rural county. And you see, the greatest gift that I have every day is not the things I get, but the opportunities I have to get. You see, because God said the only way you can show me you love me is to love my people. Oh, I wish you'd have heard me years ago. I was such an expert. But you see, today we have no experts in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Sober is as high as you get. Real quick, I want to close with this story. A little boy, a man brought home a bunch of work. A whole bunch of works. And his little boy wanted to play. Every night he'd play with his little boy and he kept telling the little boy, go away, I'm busy, I'll play with you when I get through. And the little boy came back and he said, Daddy, let's play. And he said no, you go away. Little four-year-old boy, and he didn't understand it. His daddy said, I've got to get this work done and then we'll play. And finally he took a map of the United States and he tore it up into about 50 pieces. And he says, take this and put it back together and when you get through, we'll play. And in about five minutes the The little boy was back with this thing all together. And he said, son, how in the world did you do that? And he says, daddy, on the back of the map was a picture of a man. And when I put the man together, the world fell into place. You see, when God put the men back together, I shattered that map all to pieces. But it's when I take charge. I know two things. Number one, I know which drink makes me drunk. That's the first one. And number two, I now who with God's help has the choice of whether or not I take it, and that's me. God bless you, and thank you for letting me come.