Step 12 and the Mental Checklist for the Newcomer – Tom F.

Hey everybody, my name is Tom. I'm a recovered alcoholic. And it's a pleasure and honor to be standing in front of you today. Not only just sober, but happy, joyous, and free. I thought that was the whole point of being here, and I found out there was a lot more that I was getting into being here coming to AA. I didn't volunteer myself to come here it wasn't my idea to be here it sort of just is what happened in my life and I'm grateful for it I used to think because I knew I was alcoholic way before I got here I knew I was drinking differently than all my friends matter of fact I had some friends who drank pretty heavily and scared me, and they told me that I scared them. And that's where my drinking was going, and it had me thinking, you know. So I'll start out. I'm from... My home group is in St. James in Bristol. It's Tuesday at 7.30 if you're ever up there and you want to find me or you want go to a meeting out there and you're around that area in Pennsylvania, at 7.30 on what street, Chris? Yeah. Right off Pond Street, yeah. In Bristol Borough at 730 at St. James Church. I'm from Levittown. I grew up a good mother and father taught me to do right had three older sisters I was the youngest at age four a little about myself I was diagnosed with diabetes type 1 ages 6 through 11 was epileptic was having seizures so I say that because I became very familiar with doctors age 10 I was given a device for my diabetes to help me out and at the time technology was good but it was almost like comparable when the cell phones first came out I had this big giant device and I'd be out in the neighborhood playing with the kids and no one wanted to play with me because if it was a physical contact sport, this huge plastic box would hit them and they'd get hurt. And, like, it was embarrassing. And, you know, I grew up in a good neighborhood of kids of all ages playing sports. I was rarely at home. You know, that would be a trend of my future life too, but I was barely at home as a younger kid. But I wasn't doing anything bad at the time. Went to Catholic school. Got asked to leave Catholic school in fifth grade. I thought I chose to leave. My parents just let me go with that idea until about a couple of years ago they told me, no, you're asked to leave Apparently I had too many questions while I was in Catholic school about the priests and questioned everything I didn't like rules and I didn' t like the uniform As you can see, I'm only half dressed for the occasion So I went to public school And that was different because my Catholic school was predominantly, I think it was all white. And when I went to public school, it was a variety of different people, all races, all different backgrounds. And when i got there, i didn't know where to go first. I didn't knew who to talk to. I was quiet for probably the first month of school. and, you know, listening to all the kids. And then I started to figure out where I wanted to be and that happened to be with whoever was around me. You know, if I was with the punk rocker kids, of course I listened to that music and I did what they did. If I was mit the kids that were up to no good, I was also up to do good. And if I wa with the kids who were doing right, you know I was top of the class. You know I constantly changing. You know didn't even know who I was. And I remember just being in school and could barely walk down the hallway. It was horrible, you know. I would race down those hallways to the next class because I was just full of fear. I thought everybody was looking at me and thinking of me or somebody was going to do something to me. It was just horrible. And, you Know, of course kids are going to be kids and they find out about, you know, they find that I'm diabetic and next thing you know all the school troubles start. And I went through that. You know, I was always involved with school sports. I went to my high school, got involved. I played basketball for the high school. And, you know, that was an experience. You know being one of – I think there was a – it was predominantly black high school now. You know, now I'm the minority. And I think I was like one of two kids that were white on the basketball team. And I remember coming home and, you know, I just adapt, you Know. There was no problems. I just adapted my environment. I become right in my environment and I remember coming home, you Now, I remember my dad looking at me and I'm like, what's going on? What are you looking at Me like that for? and it was like I changed overnight, like the night before you know, I was like wearing like rocker shirts and then I started being on that basketball team and now I'm coming home with a fit of caps with a sticker on it you know I'm talking, he doesn't understand a word I'm saying but I had to do that it's the only thing I knew how to do to get through a day with being okay and I was totally uncomfortable at all times and um so I found out Like, it seemed to me like all of a sudden family dinner stopped and I noticed that my parents were fighting a lot. And, you know, they were telling me, like, you knows, families do this, which was weird to me because, like me and my sisters did everything but literally kill each other. Like we did everything up to put the knife in our back, you now, to each other and I mean just wild stuff. happened in that house between me and my sisters that I couldn't talk about in public. I'd probably get incriminated if I told them some of the stuff I did and they did to me. And it just didn't make any sense and I would be over at my friend's house and I didn't see that going on. You know, I didn' t see them ever hiding anything and that also brought out feelings that I didn''t know how to deal with on a daily basis. So every day, you know, I get kicked out of Catholic school so I'm like, you now, God thinks not for me. I was an altar server for three years there So when they told me to leave, I was like, I put in all these hours helping you guys and you're going to kick me out? You know, I had all kinds of resentful at the church. And we talked about God and all I could think about was all those memories from Catholic school. I didn't want to hear it. I'm acting like ten different people on a daily basis. I don't like that I'm diabetic. I don'T like thatI'm getting sick. I DON'T like what's going on with my family very quick. I had these neighbors that my parents would tell me to stay away from so I figured out that I should go over there and see what's going on needless to say I got drunk for the first time and I'll never forget it I was like 120 pounds if I was in the rain all day I was at 120 pounds 5 foot 2 and there was this kid you know you have that kid from school that happened to, like, be a full-grown adult before anybody else. He was, like 6'6", like 250 pounds, you know. He was like the center lineman on the football team and no one, like lined up near him. And he was the first one, you now, he took a bottle of Old English, I think it was, and it was a 40 ounce. Now remember, I'm 120 pounds. and he puts it up to the beer bong and putters the 40 down and I wanted to stop because I was scared but he was 280 pounds and he was holding the back of my head and he wasn't even holding the thing so there was no option funny enough later on in my life he wouldn't be around but there still would be no option and I would have to drink that beer whether I wanted to or not. And that was my first party, and I got kicked out that night. I was one for one from all my parties. I got pushed out. I was told I wasn't allowed there. That was like two hours after what had happened. And it was funny enough, he did all that, and I was scared, and after he was done and I could throw it, I looked at him and I said, can we do another one? Right away. And that sensation that I got was unbelievable because for those couple hours, I don't remember anything. I remember Martin laughing and I remember Martin throwing me out the front door. That's all I remember from that night. And I got home. I crawled home. I was in walking distance. It was about, I was about ten minutes from my house walking distance and I think I got kicked out around nine o'clock and I got back home. I got to home around two a.m. I don't know how that math worked but I was doing something I don' t remember and I was sick of course and I was throwing up profusely for some reason I had a glimpse to make sure to check my health and see where I was at and for the first time I ever drank I almost died right away because I'm diabetic and I drank that much and I'm throwing up and I have to keep my blood sugar which is part of the disease at a certain level which means I have to eat food to keep it there but every time I eat food as alcoholics know, you can't eat too much food when you're throwing up like that and so I said well I'm going to the hospital, what are they going to do there so I did at home what they would have done there and got through that night well the next night I wake up with my first hangover it's horrible and if all comes into my mind because that was Thursday night and now Friday night's up and if you're going to do that again. And it was absolutely, I'm going to do that again because all the physical consequences and the parents weren't too happy, all the mental consequences from that, that were bad didn't add up to the relief the feeling gave me when I put alcohol in my body. I fell in love. I loved alcohol instantly. To speed up the story a little bit, high school goes on. Coach calls me, basketball season's starting and about my third year in high school, he's asking me why I'm not showing up for the basketball team and helping out. I said simply to him in a calmest way because I really meant it. I didn't have to lie to him. I don't really have any more time to play basketball, Coach. I got a lot of things going on. And my things that were going on was alcohol parties because what it did to me is it transformed me. Those kids that I was scared to talk to, I went and talked to. If I saw a group of people, I went up to them. Sandy Beach, if you ever get to listen to him, it's a great analogy of it. It's like he walks in the room. He sees a group de people. Everybody looks at him. And he thinks, oh, these people don't like me. They're talking about me. So he leaves. He goes and takes a couple drinks, comes back to the same place with the same group de people. And he sees them look at him, and instead of being feared up, he goes, these peeple love me. These are my peepel. You see, and that's what I didn't know, you know. And what happened, there was a bunch of suicide attempts. I didn' t like myself. I didn''t like living. Suicide was a good option, you now. And I attempted suicide a whole bunch of times throughout high school. I went to psychologists, therapists, did family therapy, had neighbors that knew me from a whole long time come and talk to me. One of those neighbors happened to be in AA and put the seed in me at the time. and he told me what was going to happen to me I just wasn't done drinking it's not that the solution wasn't there, it was brought to me very early I heard what he said, I remember what he said to this day but I was still full of ideas and plans and schemes and thoughts so I went out and continued to drink I landed myself senior year, the summer before senior year I'd like to say that I went down in like a blaze of glory and had this awesome story about how I got involved with the police fact of the matter is I woke up one morning I was upstairs, I smelled breakfast which was rare at that point in my life I thought my mother had cooked me breakfast she called me downstairs all flightfully what she had done is the night before when I was out she went up in my room looking through my room she found nothing So my father laughed and sent my sister up in my room. And she found three or four boxes full of stuff. And they reported me to the police. My mother got me in trouble with the law. That's my police story in AA. And it's funny, but I used to resent her every single day for that. I disliked her. I would say that I hated my family. I find out today I hate nothing. I might dislike some stuff. and so I come downstairs and I turn the corner and there's the police officer and I'm put on house arrest the problem was is I didn't have any booze on me and I had all kinds of plans on going to get booze and they put me on house arrested and when he told me that in my head I went, well that's not going to work 32 minutes later the same cop is back at my house carting me off to the mental institution because I became mentally insane completely sober without any alcohol in my body in a half hour and I was taken to the medical hospital right away spent three days there and they sent me to a juvenile facility out in Ninehorn, Pennsylvania called Today Incorporated and I went in there self-committed to get out of the mental institute I said that to everybody else put that cloak on I'm here to get myself help I put myself here I'm not like you people who got sent here. This counselor, who I'm still good friends with today, asked me about that. He said, how long will you be spending here? I said, I'll be out of here in a week. And he laughed and walked out of the room before I could say something. And I was upset. I went to court about a week later. And needless to say, that story was I spent seven months at that facility. I got to go back to my high school. I would walk down this long road 6 in the morning take the bus to school and get dropped back off at rehab and somebody said something that sticks to me they said I'm willing to bet that a good amount of kids in your graduating class don't get picked up and dropped off at rehabilitation after school I said I think that's true I did send a trend though the school saw what was going on with me And the next thing you know, like three or four classmates ended up living with me at the rehab and doing what I was doing. And I did everything they told me to do because I asked my probation officer how long will I be on probation for because I heard about these kids when I was in there. I was 17 when that happened. There's kids that were on probation since they were 14. Now they're 18. How is this still going on? They said that they would just get out, get drunk, get caught back. It was like a big cycle. See, when I like to drink, I don't like to stop all of a sudden. I liketo continue to drink. So my thought process was if they tell me nine months is the minimum and if I do everything, I'm going to do everything and get off. And that was the first time I heard about a 12-step program. It was mandatory on me. I got out on the weekends and I got to go to meetings. I went to tons of meetings. I had commitments. I made coffee. I chaired meetings. I spoke at meetings. I got added at rehab. I graduated from high school. did great my high school year exerted my will to the fullest in every area got a job was going to all these meetings like I just said was going to attend college, had all these intentions I'm not going to be the same person I was I'm going to change, I'm gonna think differently um, um, om, om two weeks away of a year of not drinking I'll say today, wasn't recovery I was in. I had gone back to that rehab. I had spoke to those kids, you could be just like me, do what I do and you could beat happy. And I look at it today and I was doing stuff during that time worse than I was doing when I was drunk. And I went home from that rehab, was supposed to have dinner with the family and I didn't turn home for four or five days. I got loaded and I didn't even see it coming. and I tried going back to the meetings and talking about it that didn't make me feel any better I stopped going to the meetings, I continued on drinking, things got really bad really quick so I came to the point where I was ready to attempt suicide again for like the fifth or sixth time and this time there was no fear involved with it, it was actually a good option in my life I was just empty and out of ideas I didn't want to be drinking I was truly done with drinking when I stopped I was drinking again it's not me, there's some cell phone there if you ask me at the time people came up and asked me what happened I had all these excuses and justifications and stories that I wanted to believe why but when I was in a room by myself I had no idea why I drank again and it was very scary and I didn't want to drink I woke up not wanting to drink and I was going to drink anyway it had nothing to do with me wanting to drink and I had no idea, I knew I was alcoholic but I hadno idea what alcoholism meant I hadn't no idea actually why I was drinking and I went to a lot of meetings and I heard about the 12 Steps. You know, I went through a couple of the steps. You know? I made tons of meetings. I was well known in the area of my recovery. But I was drinking again. So I went back to that neighbor that I talked about. He happened to live behind me. You know. A guy, you think at the time he had like 14 years in AA. And I used to remember I used to be baffled when the first time I came around because I was counting days he'd be like oh you know how long have you been doing this and I'd be Like 150 days 6 hours and 15 minutes you know and I'm hanging on you know and I would be like how much time do you have and he would like scratch his head and be like I don't know like 13 14 years I think I was like you don't exactly what the he's like I just live in the day, man. And it baffled me. I remember it baffles me. What do you mean you live in the day? He's like, that's all I can do. It's like I don't really stress about drinking. It's not a struggle for me. I don' t wake up every day trying to play the drink. So I had gone back to him based on that. And I didn't say I wanted to get sober. I don't think that's what I wanted to do so I went to him and I said, I need help and he brought me to this meeting and the guy had a podium just like this and what he was doing every week they break down a step they read a chapter word for word paragraph for sentence for sentence out of the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and he was a stockbroker I'm coming in there with my fitted hats back on my head with a sticker I could barely sit up at the meeting I wasn't very happy. Those first three days that I came around back here were horrible. Horrible than any hangover I ever had because I didn't have any alcohol in my body and I had no God in my life and I wanted to die. It was horrible. And the stock, I'm judging everybody in there. I'm asking for help but I'm pushing everybody away. you know, and I'm judging everybody and looking at them. I'm not like him. I'm like you. I'm out like you know what I mean? In the meeting and this guy's up there and he's a stockbroker and I think about how much money he has. Could be men. And he started talking about how he felt why he would drink and it was good he didn't have to tell his story I knew this guy that was at the stadium thought the way I thought because when he said that he drank he wanted to drink more and when he had too much he wanted more you know and he wanted what you had and he wanted more than what you had and you know my favorite line that he says is he goes oh you know you'd be out with somebody drinking they'd be like you know they would stop let's drink and they'd be like oh I got work tomorrow and he's like work I quit drive give me the keys I'll show you how to drive you know great you know it's full of energy and it lit me up enough to the point that I wanted to come back I wasn't happy, but there was an attraction there. So I came back and at that same meeting this kid sat next to me and he annoyed the crap out of me. Because he was like happy and energetic and he was talking to me I already have enough thoughts going through my head I can't understand what you're saying but he was really big and I had fear driving my life at the time and I thought that if I said something to him, I could get the crap kicked out of me, so I just let him sit next to me and talk. That was the honest truth. And he never said like, oh, you have to do this. This is what he just said, did the same thing. He was talking about how he felt, what, and about things, and when he would drink, and what he felt like when he was drinking and when we'd stop drinking. It was just like me. Looked nothing like he had tattoos all over himself. I was like, you know, if I was obviously got this dude It's nothing like me, you know what I mean? He was the exact person that I would not hang out with. And he ended up being my sponsor. Hardest moment of my life, you now, this kid kept... I saw him at two or three other meetings and he just kept coming up to me, happy, you knoW, I couldn't deny that. I knew he wasn't lying to me. I could see it in his eyes that he was happy. Now he's attractive. And it was like, I heard someone say it before and I can relate with it, it was asking another man to be your valentine. I went up to him, and I was thinking about asking him to be my sponsor. And in my head, I was thinkin' to myself, alright man, I'm gonna take the help that you're sayin', it's gonna help me. But if it doesn't work, or it's not goin' my way, I know what makes me comfortable. That's the insanity of your alcohol, right there. Alcohol wasn't in my system at the time. You know what I mean? And I learned that by goin' through 12 steps. that right then and there I was still I was sober as I was ever going to be you know but I was not doing well and that's why it kills me it's good to make the newcomer feel welcome and make them feel comfortable here that's important because you want them to come back but let's not tell them a lie by saying you're doing good and pat them on the back I don't know how many of us came in here doing good I'm willing to bet none of us that's why we're here because if we were doing good if I was doing good out there drinking I would not be standing here you know and they didn't tell me I was feeling good they told me that if I didn't find power greater than myself if I hadn't found God as soon as possible then I was going to die and that scared me and I asked why? why do you say that? he said well we have a book written about why if you want to sit down get a throat so I asked him I said alright I'll let you help me that's what I said and he didn't wait he took me over to his house that night happened to be a recovery room he happened to have three months in recovery he had high spiritual experience and was passing this message along I was fighting him about his three months he said you're not qualified to sponsor me he said how happy are you right now? I said, I'm miserable. He said, well, I am happy. That qualifies me. And he sat me down and we started doing step work. And I am sitting there because I had some time in recovery before and I am saying, I know, I knows, I know, I know. He said finish the sentence. I am not going to say exactly what he said because it was very vulgar. He said when you say I know finish it with I don't know crap. And there was a bunch of explanations, you know, explicits in there too. And once again, he got me upset and I wanted to say something but I was feared up above him because he was bigger and I had no chance at fighting him. So, he God is what? He brought up God. And I was all about when I learned about alcoholism that my mind constantly tells me to drink and that drinking will solve my problem because every time I think about drinking oh, I remember the bad stuff happening like almost dying or almost getting in a car accident or almost killing this person or all the trouble it caused with me and my family or me and our neighbors or me in school I remembered all that but I wouldn't remember it wasn't the actual events that was going on that I would think about it was the feeling that it gave me when I drank that kept coming back and that's why I picked up completely sober you know I don't have to I didn't have to stay away I wasn't the answer staying away from alcohol I was going to go find it you know and how could I fight something how could I fight something that there's no fight to begin with there's no fight to begin with with your alcohol there is no fight if you have alcoholism there's nothing I or anybody in this room can do about it. That's been our experience for now generations and decades and decades. You know? People experienced this before Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob got the better. Alcoholism didn't start when Bill Wilson and Dr., Bob came around. Alcoholism started way before that. You can look up history. There's the Washingtonians, and there's all kinds of other groups that tried different ways on how to stop drinking. It all failed. I don't know I went through the 12 steps to speed things up a little bit I was living at my parents house I had my own room, my room had a walk-in closet a bathroom and a car I had a good cell phone I had everything materialistically that a 19 year old kid could want I moved out of that into a house with 20 other men moved into this recovery house that my sponsor was part of because when I would go over there there was a ton of guys that just looked happy with what they had and I was willing to throw everything away to get that they made the program of Alcoholics Anonymous it was attractive because they were actually experiencing it and living it. It wasn't fake. They weren't faking it to make it. They actually were doing it and living in it and it showed. They didn't have to speak words to tell me what they were doing. I just had to be around them and watch them, you know? And I knew they were alcoholics because every once in a while you get around alcoholics and we don't conversate. We do little conversations and talk to people when you walk away and you're like, that person's crazy. Guess what? When you walk way, sometimes people turn to each other and go, yeah, that person is crazy. that's how I knew they were like me they were just as nuts as me in the head so I had to look at it at a different angle I had this mind that's always going to tell me to drink and this body the mind seems not to get the memo from the body saying that you can't drink because once you start you can stop and I read that part of the doctor's opinion where it says well we'll succumb to the desire again it doesn't mean we're drinking yet it means we're sober first we succumb to the desire of drinking and once we put a drink in us that phenomenon of craving develops if you're an alcoholic in this room you know exactly what I'm talking about you put that alcohol in you and it's like the party begins and the party ends usually with the police or waking up in the mental hospital or being homeless and nothing goes right and we end up going to rehabs and sobering up saying we're not going to do this again, or we come to AA sobered up saying, we're now going to do this time. This is what I'm going to do this year. This time, this is going to work. And then we come to the desire again, and we drink, knowing that drinking's not going work for us. That's insane. That was explained in step two. That's why I needed God in my life to restore me to sanity. Because I've tried psychologists, I've tired family members, I've try AA, you know, the meetings. And it says it in our book right from the beginning that this fellowship is not enough it's just one part of this event it's justice important but it's not it alone this is an hour meeting there's a lot of other hours that you're not here and that's why we see our members come in and go out so I took a consensus I guess I didn't know I did but I realized from going to the meetings that there was people smiling I heard these guys speaking and I'd go up to them and say what are you doing and they would tell me the same thing every single one of them would say I came to AA I worked at 12 Steps I had spiritual experience and I sponsor people and I like to go to AA I don't have to go to AA I want to go to AA and it's what I like to do it's my favorite thing to do and that's just a short explanation of it if you want to know what it's about do what I do hopefully you experience what I experience and if you do you'll be saying the same thing feeling the same way And then I met people who had years and years of being in the NIA, 20 years, 30 years. And they would tell me that everything, all that's a bunch of crap, all you have to do is make a meeting, hold on to your chair, and stay away, an arm's length away from the drink. It was explained to me that if you can't drink successfully, and you can not drink, that's not a problem. so it doesn't make any sense to me to sell somebody that's alcohol to stay away from the drink when that's the number one thing they cannot do I can't stay away from a drink being an alcoholic that's what I'd do and then I would have to have a psychic complete psychic and spiritual experience change in my life I would've had to become a completely different person and that got me to saying how do I do that and Chris said well luckily it's for us it's easy and we don't have to figure it out and the steps are numbered and we just gotta read this book you have to do what they say to do in the book and if you do it, you'll get the results I didn't have a white light come down to me during this process you know I didn'T get any kind of like you know visuals or seeings mine was really what the book talks about educational variety now I have had a spiritual experience complete awakening and what I mean is I read something instead of doing it I went and did it, and it said what should happen if I do it. And that happened. And what had happened is, see, I didn't really have any idea who God was, and I'm not going to try to stand up here and tell you who God is, because I don't know today. I constantly wake up seeking to find out, you know, who God has. And that seems to keep me sober. I just have a willingness to believe. And that's where I was at in the beginning, and my faith has grown a lot it changes all the time you know I just in the beginning had a willingness to believe in something that was greater than me that was it more powerful than me why would I do that? I would only do that because in step one I learned that I was powerless and if I'm powerless the answer is power and I've had all that experience from before I was completely out of ideas so I decided that, all right, I'll make this decision. My sponsor told me that my will in my life was my thoughts and my actions. He said my thoughts in my head were for entertainment purposes only. I can't think my way into good living. I have to live my way in good thinking. And that seemed to work. You know, I started doing things. I started taking suggestions, taking action in my life and that wasn't something I was making up they have a whole entire book called Alcoholics Anonymous telling me how to do that in the very beginning a new way of which to live a way of life and as I started to experience it and things were happening and then I started getting into the history because I wanted to know who made up this stuff because I had to check their background and make sure they were alright they were just like me trust me I listen to tapes of Bill Wilson and stories of Bill Wilson. I'm just like him. He's just like me. Nuts. And, um... Life became good very quick. And it warns us later on in the book that we had to continue to do this. That didn't happen for me. I became selfish and AA. That's the one thing I learned. I thought alcohol was going to kill me. I thought it was alcohol that was out there, and I'd stay away from it. I found out it was me I had to stay away from, you know? And that I had to get rid of selfishness in my life, and it was driven by different forms of fear and resentment. And these things were poison to me, maybe not to other people, but to somebody like me, I had find out why I did that through four and five. And if you do a good four-fifth step, it's very easy to do a six and seven step. It's harder to live it on a daily basis. But I wanted to get rid of these things. When I did, I experienced life. When I didn't, I experienced self. It's not a good thing. And I can do that today. And it was very easy for me. See, being diabetic yesterday, if I took care of myself all day, which I did I don't feel consequences. Untreated diabetes, I don' t get sick. I don''t feel like I'm going to throw up. I don ''t have any headaches. But if I woke up today thinking that I'll be good all day today because I took care of myself yesterday, guess what? I'll be sick today. And the same for my recovery. That's what they... I finally clicked in my head. That's What They Mean by One Day at a Time. Oh. And we don't see the consequences right away. Usually not until we're in rehab. Needless to say, I didn't drink. The life was a lot worse. Sometimes at times I wish I was drinking during that time. But I was completely sober and miserable. that's worse than being drunk and miserable. I have experience, my experience at least. So I, I was homeless. I got asked to move out of the recovery house. My rent was paid. I just wasn't living right very quickly. I went home thinking, oh, I can go back home. Family told me, we sold your house to your sister. I went to my sister. She said, oh, you have to pack your bags. Resentment. How dare you? Could you do this to me? Blah, blah, blah. Totally out of my mind. Not thinking about anybody but me. So I'm homeless now. I'm living in the woods next to my high school, which I just graduated from a year ago. Life got hopeless. I was sober. Completely dry. not a drop of alcohol in my body I felt just as bad as when I was drinking been through the 12 steps knew all about it but wasn't living it apparently in the big book it says self-knowledge will avail us nothing it's out of practical experience that we experience this program meaning that it's out of doing something that you experience it not just thinking about it not just knowing it so I asked begged to move back into that recovery house I got back in within a week I was back to the same spot living for me we had house meetings on Sundays and the owner of the recovery house happened to be there and that was my time to talk my favorite time so I was just like spilling my guts about my day nobody really wanted to hear that so the owner of the recover house looks up and says sounds like you need to help somebody Tom and I almost exploded when he said that because it didn't make any sense in my head. How is paying that bill, and paying for school, and paying that money I owe my mom, and payin' that money in this situation, how is helping somebody gonna fix that? Made no sense in My head. It probably wouldn't make sense to anybody that's not an alcoholics anonymous and knows about a spiritual program. But apparently a spiritual program is the opposite of everything that we think. So I said, alright. Fine, I'll help somebody. So I go in the meeting I was about five months sober at the time. Put my hand up, had people in AA saying, you shouldn't be doing that. My sponsor said, just politely shake your head and say okay and walk away and continue to do it. So I did. And he said, unless you want to go back to feeling the way you felt. And I didn't. So I just kept putting my hand out and I would say, my name's Tom, recovered alcoholic, I've been through 12 steps and I'm more and more on the show non-alcoholic here if you want so what I went through and how I experienced it and I do that to this day guess what somebody came up to me and they said I need some help and I sat up and I called my sponsor about 100,000 times like every 5 minutes what do I do what do i do he's like there's a book there's an article there's no book there's not a book you can read he's just like you can't read right I'm like yeah he's got a great chance that's what I did I opened up the book and I read it with this guy guess what I was going through it and as I was going through I was like it was like I was making a mental checklist and I was like you should be doing that you should be doing that you should be doing that yeah you gotta do this this and this you should be doing that yourself you know and they want to talk about keeping it green that's how I keep it green I sit down with someone who's just coming in here or someone who's struggling in here and I take them through that book and I experience what I experienced the first time all over again. That's green for me. I could care less about my we all got war stories, you know. I don't really talk about mine because mine is that my mom got me in trouble and I ended up in AA a couple years later. You know? Not really movie material. Maybe Disney Channel. we all feel the same way we all have the same feelings when we were out there I sat down I happened to have a conversation with a woman I think she's like 47 years and I you know she could barely walk or hold a cup I'm talking to her she's talking about alcoholism she's about like 50 years plus my age and I relate with her it's all the same she had a completely different story she was talking about Ford Model T's stuff I had no idea she remembered when A-Track came out I was like, lady I grew up with C's and B3's but I could relate with here when she was thinking about alcoholism how she felt when she drank and how she feel when she experienced the 12 steps you know my life has become something that I could never put together you see when I first used to hear people talk about my life's become behind my wildest dreams I used to be sitting in a meeting thinking buddy you don't know what my wildEST dreams are man like they're pretty out there you know couple cars couple houses couple wives you know couple bank accounts well, that's who I was that's what I wanted when I was all selfish and suffering from untreated alcoholism talk a little bit about the ninth step right here you hear that stuff about microwave sobriety or take your time with the steps or you hear all kinds of different opinions in Alcoholics Anonymous just remember it's an alcohol giving you advice the whole point of A.A.'s and the whole point I do this is because my sponsor didn't tell me anything my sponsor sat down showed me directions on how to get sober that's just a byproduct he said of the 12 steps more importantly how to become happy, joyous and free to be a free man and go anywhere in this world I want without being in fear and to become whoever I wanted to be as long as I'm running that want through God and I fully experienced that every single day it says that we have a fellowship that you will not want to miss and you should not miss it and there's no reason for you to miss it Dr. Bob says at the end of Dr.Bob's Nightmare if you don't want to experience this and you think you can drink successfully but you cannot and you just don't want to do this work, then I just feel sorry for you. And I understand today what he meant. He wasn't being mean or egotistical. It was that he experienced something in AA that's far beyond words, far beyond that I could stand here and talk to you about right now. Because the point is is that my sponsor took my hand, put it in God's hand, and God let me the rest of the way. I had no idea who that was, what that was at the time, but I experienced it. in any situation that I have because I've found out I have no real problems. I have situations that come and go. I love Sandy Beach. She talks about it. It's like when you watch a movie and something's going on and you're thinking, what's going to happen next? That's how my life is today. Something goes on and instead of getting all upset about it, I just go, oh, I wonder how I'm going to get out of this one. You know? And AA tells me to do nothing and trust in God and listen to God and take direction from God. and if you're wondering how to do that you gotta be free of fear you gotta know how to get resentment, I still get resentful today, I got resentful about 15 times driving up here but I've learned a way in which to live to get rid of that because I know that when I get resentful it's poison to me because it is a spiritual poison and my sobriety is not based on me doing anything, my sobrietty is simply based on my spiritual foundation. And if I'm on good firm spiritual foundation I can go anywhere feel anything, do anything because God has all the power, not me. And I firmly believe in that today. And if you're sitting in this room and you understand what I'm saying but you don't have that experience it is available to you. I am no better than anybody in the world. I am just a punk kid from Levittown who was hopeless selfish manipulative lying stealing and I just didn't want to feel like that anymore somebody that was the same way told me that there's a better way to live and I apply those principles to my life every day it works because it's a principle like gravity if you think that you can walk off the Ben Franklin Bridge and not fall you are living in that's what they call a delusion the reality of it is is you will fall if you are an AA and thinking this is not for you or you're not sure if this will work for you like me and you have all these ideas on what to do you can keep them all you want if you keep them and live them you'll probably walk your way right out of here but if you have them in the beginning, fine all I ask is to please follow the direction that is in that book to do what it says to do even if you don't believe in it because they are principles and they work. They are spiritual principles. They work. Meaning that if you believe that they don't, and you do them anyway, you will have a spiritual experience. It says so. You see in step 12, it says having had, which means you get it if you do the 11 steps. The spiritual experience, we carry this message to other alcoholics. It used to say we carry this message through others, especially alcoholics, meaning that we don't have to just carry NAA, you're supposed to carry it all day long to anybody you need. That's been my experience. When I wake up in the morning I don't think about drinking I wakeup, I sit up I actually smile and I actually feel good because I remember the therapist said, even if you don't feel good, smile see if it helps. And I'd be smiling all angry, smiling No, when I smile today I'm really happy. Most of the time sometimes I could be completely tired and look miserable and I am happy as a little kid you know with seeing the ice cream you know ice cream truck I am so happy I am very happy you know um my sobriety is not conditional or situational I've experienced that um uh ninth step I'm glad that I went through this process as followed not not to be done without too quickly meaning, like, you know, I can do it as fast as I want to do it if I'm willing to put in the footwork like that and not to be lacked on either. It's a timely process to happen fastly. Trust me, if you went to the doctor tonight and found out you had cancer and the doctor said, we're going to give you the treatment for cancer two years from now, you'd be going to another doctor. And that's how serious my disease alcoholism was to me. I knew it was killing me right then and there. so if you're telling me there's something that's going to save me from that I'm going to take that right away and I'm glad I did because what happened was my mom had a gambling addiction and long story short her and my father didn't divorce but they she had to move out of the house she was a nurse she was making $60,000 minimum $80,000 a year she was asking me for $20 every week a hundred dollars every week I was making nothing towards that you know and I didn't have to deal with it so I started throwing God down her throat because of what I learned there you're going to die that result was a cup of water and actually the glass flying by my head you know which I could relate to you know I cornered her that's what happens when you corner us so I went back and I started living this process I didn't talk about it. I just lived it. I became a son to her. I was a son. My relationship that I always wanted with my mother happened. Six months later, she passed in her sleep. January 7th, 2007. No reason was told to us. They had no reason for it. She passed in their sleep. If I was to wait on that immense because of fear, because somebody out there is telling me you don't want to get too well too quick I might be stuck with that remorse and guilt for the rest of my life and who knows if I'd be able to deal with that the fact of the matter is do I miss her physical presence yet but I know more about her today than I ever knew in my life I'm grateful to Alcohol Synonymous it's given me real friends that I can count on it's given me a life far beyond whatever I thought I would do and it has nothing to do with materialistic things at all, I like materialistic things but if I had to choose between God and what I want I think after this experience it would definitely be God if you're new in here today if you haven't gone through 12 steps if you have experienced them I suggest that you do just like when they suggest you jump off an airplane to wear a parachute I suggest you do the 12 steps add the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous my life absolutely gets better every day and I couldn't ask I've gotten way more out of this program and this fellowship than I've given back so far and I'm responsible to stand up here when I go to meetings to carry the message of Alcoholics Anonymous. You know? And that message is that you need to find God and God will save you and help you and you will be free from alcoholism. I don't say recovered because I'm cocky. I say recovered because I am not detoxing right now and I am in a mental obsession. If you don't think I am recovered, talk to some people in my neighborhood talk to my family members and they will tell you he is definitely a changed person. you know my sobriety is contingent upon my spiritual maintenance am I waking up every day and I'm living for myself or am I waking up everyday asking God what he wants me to do and where I can be useful to somebody else in my life and that for me is most of the battle you know grateful for this meeting being here it's about an hour speaker meeting and it says 9.30 up there right yeah alright I have a lot more I want to say maybe you guys will have me back now now that's pretty much my experience in Alcoholics Anonymous I just want to thank you guys for having this meeting here the most important person that's going to come in this room besides me is if a newcomer ever walks through that door and just make sure that your hand and the hand of AA is here that's all I ask please I know it is I know so thank you guys