Step 11 Prayer and the Peace That Comes From It – Burns B.

Is this thing working yet? Can y'all hear me in the back? Well, this is going to be a hell of a morning. There ain't one preacher in this damn town that's going to preach today without a microphone. Do you know that? But I know one's going to have to try. My name is Burns Brady and I'm an alcoholic. Did you say you got somebody coming to work on this? Okay. Well, you know, the interesting thing about alcoholics that I've come to read about, we all know we can leap tall buildings in a single bound. The only competition is who's the quickest, you know. I absolutely love it. Even the fact that a circuit speaker, which is what we get called, we have one hour and we think we can tell you our whole life in one hour, right? But we keep trying. I remember one time they asked me to represent Kentucky. Represent Kentucky in Washington. The governor's conference was doing a thing on poverty. And so Kentucky had the job to deal with alcoholism. So they called me because I'm the number one drunk doctor in Kentucky. See, I consider that an honor, being the number once drunk doctor. Hell, number one in anything just turns me on, you know. I got an award the other night and they said, what is it for? And I said, I don't know. Somebody says, for being the number one drunk doctor in Kentucky. And that's great. So they said, we want you to go to Washington and represent Kentucky and talk about what happened to you, what it's like now, and what changed all that stuff we talk about. And then tell the governors what you think they might be able to do to change alcoholism and drug addiction treatment and identification in their own states. And so the guy who called me is a good friend of mine who works in the governor's office. And I said, well, Mike, how much time have I got? He said, seven minutes. So I said, hell, I can do it. And every one of you would have said the same thing, wouldn't you? Hell, I Can Do It. Oh, yeah. So I can DO IT! I want to thank everybody that's responsible for my being here. It's always a treat. A young man came up to me a while ago and said that he met me somewhere in Chicago at one time. And he said, have you enjoyed being in Buffalo? And I said, well, what I've enjoyed is being with the people. I could be in Atlanta for all I know. You know, it just happens to be Buffalo when I landed. But the people are always the same in Alcoholics Anonymous. That's what makes it so wonderful because no matter what the town is, the people and the spirit are the same. And I'm truly grateful and honored. Bingo! Bingo. God said the little bastard's trying Turn your hand around And I appreciate it I need all the help I can get And if you don't think so now, wait until it's over and you say, he's right. He really did. But I really am truly grateful and honored to be here. There are just so many things in my life today that I have to be grateful for. But Reggie mentioned the other night on Friday night, and again, I'd be remiss. My brain's a little chaotic because I was trying to adjust to some of the challenges of screaming. Walking, talking, and chewing gum is a challenge for me, and screaming tears the whole thing up. But I'm getting a little chaotic, but the speakers have just been outstanding and they're all friends of mine. This is one of the great joys of traveling around the country as time has gone along in addition to a wonderful whole fellowship like this. I get to know some of these people who are just incredibly beautiful people and I've got to tell you the principal speakers you've had, including me, are really neat. You know? Well, I mean, we vary in our ability to project and articulate what we're talking about, but I'm telling you the people you've got at this conference for speakers are just some of the finest quality people that I know in this whole country traveling the surface of the world. I did get to attend a number of the different panels and all and some really strong stuff. And the interesting thing about it is that you're not going to hear anything any different from me today that you haven't heard in these panels, you haven' t heard from these speakers. It's going to be my particular slant and my particular experience on where I've developed in this program of recovery as I go along, but the main theme is always the same. Reggie mentioned the other night about my granddaughter. My daughter is 35, and Reggie, correct me. I'm sure you will. My daughter's 35, and she's been in AA 15 years, and she just had our first grandchild, And the name is Lee. And I always thought, God, will I, please help me be this blithering idiot that grandparents are supposed to be, you know. And I thought, I'm not, and I'm afraid I won't be this Blithering Idiot. Well, let me tell you, I am this Blithering Idiot with this grandchild. You know, most grandparents look at their grandchildren in their cribs and they look there and they say, God this is beautiful, this is wonderful. and they think of Harvard and they thing of MIT and Yale. And I sat there and looked at this child and thought of Hazleton, Betty Ford and What's Your Home Dream? I mean that child lay your money down it's just a given that's all there is to it. Her mother, I mean, this, I can span six generations in my family. I remember my great-grandmother and I obviously now know my grandchild. And this child is the first child in six generations that will have an opportunity to be raised in an alcohol-free home that's got saints and saints in it. Six generations. Now, my home didn't have alcohol in it as I'll show you, but it was absolutely ravaged by and directed by the disease of alcoholism. And the insanity in the thinking was just as prevalent. Pertneer is as prevalent, and for those people in Buffalo, Perteneer is a Kentucky saying, okay. I see some of you going to your books, and Pertoneer, what the hell does that mean? I know you understand y'all even though you don't say it, but Pertaneer gets it. But that's a real gratitude for me. It's an absolute wonderful gratitude. This talk today is not meant to preach or teach. It'll do both. It's not intended to be that way when I start. There are frequently points in it where it will be that. I do not apologize for it. I do nicht set out to do it, but had there not been preachers or teachers in my life, I'd be dead. And thank God that there's some of us who still come along who don't mind getting into that area, even though we never try to. I will try to share with you my experience, strength, and hope. I'm absolutely convinced there's at least one person in this room who needs to hear this talk, and that's me. There are probably many of you who also need to hear it. I've made 12-step calls on people with 45 years of sobriety. I've met many people with 30 years of sobrity and in between 20 and 30. just Friday, Thursday night before I came up here I admitted one of the great gurus and I mean this with the deepest respect one ofthe greatest gurus that I had when I grew up in AA when I started in 77 who got drunk after 25 years she's been in 6 treatment centers in the last 5 years and can't get sober so you know the deal on this thing is is that when we talk one day at a time and we talk that what we've got is this day that seems like a nice way to say things but quite honestly, my experience tells me it's true. I do things sometimes a little bit slanted, which shouldn't surprise you. Many of y'all do too. But I like to start with my experiences in recovery. And a short version of my drugging was I started taking amphetamine in 1958 when I started medical school. I was kicked out of medical school in 1962. was admitted to four different psychiatric hospitals between 64 and 60, and I got back in medical school, graduated, stayed on the drugs. And multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, almost putting Leavenworth in the Army. Came home in 69 and got off the amphetamine, started drinking because I didn't drink before that, or at least it wasn't an issue. And I drank for eight years and ended up drinking a quart of whiskey a night with a shotgun in my mouth to stop all the drinking. Then got into Alcoholics Anonymous after a treatment experience, and I will get to that in detail if time permits. But I came into Alcoholic Anonymous in 1977. I came in AA in what I call the best and worst of times in AlcoholicsAnonymous in Louisville, Kentucky. It was the best of times because there was an incredible fellowship. When I came In, I'm here to tell you that we were just like, we hooked at the tail just like little pygmy elephants. I mean, if one of us went to the toilet, the other one had to scoot over so that you weren't on the commode bowl at the same time. I mean literally it was almost that kind of affinity. It wasn't just getting there 30 minutes before and staying 30 minutes after. We literally lived together. There were six or seven of the couples and multiple other people who just lived together in AA. One of the things that disturbs me the most is we talk a lot about 30 minutes Before and 30 minutes After. In certain communities, I see this affinity to living together as couples and living together as people in Alcoholics Anonymous as a whole support unit. And in certain other areas, I don't see that. That saddens me because people are missing a lot. They're just missing a little bit. They're missing a whole lot. And my prayer is that people will continue to develop that affinity and reestablish and rekindle that kind of companionship and fellowship. It was the worst of times in Alcoholic Anonymous because when I came in, there was no mention of the big book or essentially it was done nothing in passing. The marching orders for Alcoholics Anonymous in 77 in Louisville, Kentucky was don't drink, go to meetings, get a sponsor, tell him everything that's wrong with you, he'll tell you what to do, and then you go save a drunk. I mean, those were the marching orders in AlcoholicsAnonymous. My first fourth step was in a treatment center. And anyone who's come out of a treatment centre and you've done what you think was a fourth step, No, you've done a family history. You've done a sculpt, if you will is what the therapeutic term is but don't think for a minute and I'm sure if it's a good treatment center they've told you it's not a fourth step they've taught you what it is they may not have, but let me be sure and tell you if you came out of most treatment centers you didn't do a fourth steps you did a sculpt My second fourth step was at two years in the program when my sponsor got me a 300 question questionnaire from Hazel and that's what I took, and that was my second fourth step. My third fourth step was a 250-question questionnaire that my sponsor made up and gave me when I was four years sober. And I thought I had done fourth and fifth steps. I just need to tell you that wasn't what it was. For the first ten years in Alcoholics Anonymous, I had a three-and-a-third-step program. The first three steps and a third of the tenth step. I mean, hell, I became an absolute lethal weapon for God. I mean I was everywhere all over Louisville. Now they said, here he comes, drink a beer, he's going to take you to treatment anyway. Here he comes. And that's the way it was. But that's all I knew. That's allI knew. Now I didn't have any problem with the first step. I meanI was powerless over alcohol. Alcohol whipped my butt. Drinking a quart of whiskey a night and couldn't quit, I'd had eight and a half years of psychiatric therapy And been deacon in five churches And I was drinking a quart of whiskey a night And could not quit drinking whiskey So I was powerless Life unmanageable At that time what it meant to me Was watching a guy in the treatment center I was in hanging in the closet And me wondering who in the hell I was going to get to play ping pong with me Now that he was dead I knew there was something wrong with that I mean, I knew There was something wron With that thinking And the bizarre is what we laugh at The bizarre is really what we laughed at And that is the bizarre. That's alcoholism, is the bazaar. But I remember sitting there thinking, there's something wrong with this thinking. There's something along these things. So my life was unmanageable. Power greater than me restored me to sanity. Hell, there had to be one or I was screwed. I had to have a power greater than me and had no reluctance in surrendering to that power. Making a decision to turn my life and my will over, that was difficult. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn' t understand what it meant. and most of us are burdened by the necessity for definition and we have to define this power greater than ourselves. And first of all, the third step is an abstract concept. It's an abstract content even for those of us who are screaming to try to find it and the alcoholic who has sawdust for brains for two years can't think abstractly. You read Wilson's story and Wilson's story says for a year and a half he couldn't get a job because he was wracked with waves of self-pity and resentment. He was goofy. That's what's wrong with Bill Wilson for the first year and a halve of his recovery. They studied us in 1979. Medical Science published a thing which was absolutely true. They call it the post-acute recovery syndrome. It's characterized by loss of short-term memory for six months to two years. Hell, I couldn't read. I'd pick up the Curry Journal, a local paper, and read it and the sports page was the best I could do. It's about all I do now, but at least I can go to the front page if I want to. But then I would read the sports pages and I would close the sports papers and I'd sit there and I think, I don't remember what it said. I'd pick up my meditation book and read it and God, I'd just cry as beautiful. Closing it, couldn't remember it. Pick up the big book, didn't pick it up very often, but I did pick up My Meditation and read and close it and couldn't remeber it. I lost my car drinking for years. I lost by car for a year sober. Repeatedly in small parking lots. And that's the truth. I lost it one time in an 11-space parking lot next to my office. I'd been driving my car to work and one day I drove my wife's car to working park and went out. For those of you who are getting scared thinking, my God, he was practicing medicine. I had little arrows drawn on the right side, appendix here, you know, heart here. I never said that before because I was ashamed to but now now I remember but we could remember what we learned in school but we couldn't remember what was short term recent memory so I'd drive my car to work and park it one day I drove my wife's car parked it went in practiced came out couldn't find my car went back in got my partner and he said I said somebody stole my car so he came out and looked and he said, no Burns you drove Casey's car and I said, oh God that's right I forgot so they assigned me a parking space in an 11 space parking lot I swear to God this is the truth you can't make this shit up it's the truth and when I leave but they said when Burns leaves, he's going to that space. And if he can get whatever's in it started, he's gonna drive it home. Yeah, and sleep patterns will be screwed up for six months to two years. You know, you don't need Ambien and you don'T need sleeping pills and you DON'T need stuff like that. I'd come into a meeting and say, you know, I can't sleep. And they'd say, well, nobody died from lack of sleep. I say, oh God, they don't understand my pain. I like it better when you tell me I have a chemical imbalance, you know? Now, I really am a specialist in this field. One, because I lived in the gutter for a long time but in 1987 I became... I did family practice for 25 years and now I do addiction medicine. I run the impaired physician program for the state of Kentucky. I also do work in a 250 man and woman homeless shelter where we have these men and women in a six-month long program of recovery studying the big book all day and going to meetings all night and getting them a job after six months and bringing them into recovery. We have 500 men and woman who have been sober for five years that they were considered untreatable at that time. Now, the reason I tell you that is because I really am an expert in this field. I've done the kind of homework and the training and whatnot along with living in the gutters and going through 5AA meetings a week that allows me to be an expert. So I can tell you that we don't need sleeping pills. I can tells you that your brain's going to get better. If you had enough sense to find this room, you don't have a wet brain syndrome, and you give it enough time, you'll be okay. You know, that's just the way it is. Now, I can say there will be some people who will have other problems as we go along, but they become real obvious even to us, and they'll certainly become real obviously if we get them in the hands of people who are trained like me, they will see that they get the kind of help they need too. And those of us who are not doctors need to quit practicing medicine. Those of us that are need to get more sober. So it's just that simple, you know? In any event, that was what I had. Oh, there's nothing. Simple problem-solving and stress management are screwed up for six months to you. Simple problem solving and stress management. You know, like is my fly zipped? Am I in the right restroom? These real tough living issues, I mean, on a daily basis. I swear to God none of us will have to worry about Iraq today, but getting in the right restroom is going to be a challenge for about half of you in this room. I swear to God it will be. In any event, that's where I was during this first year or two, or two and a half about a year and a halve for me when my memory came back and all those other things came back. But I was off on this journey of a three and a third step program because that's all I knew. That's what I'd been taught. That was what was going on in Louisville at that time. At ten years, God said he'd had me out there long enough. And I really know this is true in my gut and in my heart because I asked God at ten, because in ten years I was brought to my knees by a series of events that I will share with you. I heard somebody yesterday say in a meeting, it was incredible what they had to say. And they said, one woman, y'all know her, she's from Cleveland, a lovely lady, and she got up there and she said She left the program for a while and said she got out there and she never drank any alcohol, never took any mood-altering pills, but she sure got around some mind-altered people. And I sat there and I thought, yes! You know, absolutely. So at 10 years, I got around some mind altering people and I'll share that with you. I asked God, I said, God, why did you leave me out here for 10 years? I said if you've got all this power, why didn't you drag my sorry butt in a little bit sooner because I'm really one of your children and I really do care and I'm trying to do the right thing and I felt this voice and I promise you haven't heard it if I ever do hear it I'm going to get some professional help but I felt his voice deep inside me say son you may impress and you may lead by your knowledge you will heal with your experience and I wanted you to have the experience because you need to tell it. And I tell it, and I tell it. So at 10 years in the program, I was driven to my knees. Now let me, let me tell you what happened at that time. And I need to take you back to my family of origin. Now if you read the fifth chapter, fourth step, it says we go back through our lives. Nothing counts but thoroughness and honesty, right? So anybody thinks this is psychobabble just hadn't read the fifth chapter and the fourth step. And i will guarantee you going back that way was what God directed Wilson's hand in my judgment, God directed Wilson's hands to write is go back and look at this. Go back and look at it. I challenge anybody through the 12-step process to go back and look your life. I will hug you and hold you and even walk back there with you if I'm given the opportunity. If you stay there and use it as an excuse for your present, you'll stay just as sick as you are today. Just as sick as you were when you came in, or just as sick as I was when I came in. But I didn't go back and look at that because I've told you what kind of program I was involved in in Louisville at that time. Dedicated to recovery, dedicated to not drinking anything in the world not to drink. It whipped me, it whipped me. Running all over Louisville working with those newcomers. Wonderful fellowship and the whipping that alcohol gave me kept me sober those 10 years, but I wasn't sane. I was not sane. Going back to my family of origin, my grandfather died drinking lye water in the Mayfield City Jail. He was a bad, bad drunk, and he died drinking lyewater in the Bayfield City jail. My mother was molested physically, emotionally, and sexually in that home. They had an interesting way of treating alcoholics in Mayfield in 1935. When my granddaddy got drunk, they put him in jail. When he sobered up, they'd put him into chain gangs sweeping the Mayfield City streets and my mother used to walk past her daddy at least once a week sweeping the Mayfield Street streets. My mother was ravaged by the disease of alcoholism. She was what we call today an adult child and it isn't important to me whether you believe that exists or not i'm telling you what you may have a problem with is the inappropriate therapy at times it's given for adult children and when it's forgiven and by the people it's giving but the fact is it exists if you don't believe it read the family afterward when he says if you're around one of us you get neurotic even wilson used the term i just call it goofy again but you get neurotic and my mama was one of the neatest people I've ever met. My mama, she died in 1978, and I think of mama almost every day. In fact, I'd say every day, what a neat lady and what a goofy little lady and how scarred she was. Her whole alter ego was involved in us children. I have one brother, eight years younger than I am. He's also in AA, been in AA now I think about 12 or 13 years. But her whole alter ago was in us boys. Now, I was the first Brady who ever went to college because we were poorer than hen's teeth. And I was the first Brady who ever went to college. Another southern expression, right? I keep forgetting what we say naturally is humorous to y'all. I'm teasing you now. We were just poorer than a hen's tooth. And I always wondered why I became a doctor because no other Brady had ever been to college and I just went through all my stuff thinking about greed and social prestige and those things like that. I asked my daddy after my mother died, I said, Daddy, why did I become a doctor? And he said, I can tell you why you became a doctor. He said, the day after you were born, I walked in the hospital and you were in your mama's arms and she said, Hal, that was my daddy. He said this one's going to be a doctor and said when your brother was born eight years later he walked in and she says, Hal, this one is going to become a lawyer and he is a lawyer. Fortunately, he's in AA, so it's helping him a lot. But I kid because we both are in AA and that probably has saved our ass not only from drinking but from our own professions. And I'm happy to be a doctor and he is to be an lawyer and I jab at it a little bit with a great deal of respect and a great view of truth. In any event, my mother, I found out rather quickly when I was perfect, my mother's whole alter ego was in us boys. And when we were perfect, Mama was happy. And when We weren't perfect, Mama wasn't happy. And I got that deal down real quick and so I became a perfect kid. I mean an absolute perfect kid and my mama when I was perfect would walk around behind me and dust my little butt and part my little hair and put on my clothes and trot me out there and I mean she raised a monster. King baby. Those of you who studied AA literature know Harry Teabolt wrote this in the early 40s and called it King Baby. And that's what my mama raised was King Baby and not only was it that, it defined my relationship with women. My relationship with women became take care of me and make me feel special. Now I didn't know this but that was exactly what my entire relationship with woman was for years. Now those who came in my life who had any sense didn't stay long. Those who came in were, as we say in AA, the rocks in my head fit the holes in hers. Hell, she stayed forever, you know? I couldn't get rid of her any quicker than I could the morning after. And we had a hell of a good time together. But I was absolutely distorted in my relationship with women. Didn't know it. Heart of gold. Gave you the shirt off my back. But that was my relationship. Relationship with women now when my wife kicked me out in 1975 when I was drinking. I womanized for about a year and met Casey. Casey sends her love to those of you who know her and those of vous who haven't met my wife, you missed something. She's real special. She's really special. And I ran into her and I knew, now you say, we drank together, drink for drink. She was a bartender and you say special? Yeah, I got free drinks. No, I'm sorry I said that. You know what I mean. This is a real special lady. It's a real especial lady and I new she was special. So I tried to quit drinking and couldn't. One of the reasons I tried it was because I hated my guts. I hated the line. I hated what I was doing to people. I hated everything about me, but I also realized that I really wanted her because she was different from anybody who'd ever been in my life. So when I quit drinking and went to treatment, she quit drinking, went to Al-Anon. For six years we had a perfect relationship as far as I'm concerned because all alcoholics take hostages. We can call them pigeons. We can called them sponsorees. We can call them sponsors, but we take hostages by definition. And as recovery progresses, we let those hostages go. You can tell a good sponsor when the day they start sponsoring somebody, they start planning how to let them go. It's like a doctor admitting a patient. The day we admit a patient, we're planning that patient's discharge. My first sponsor kept me hostage for 10 years, which suited the hell out of me because I loved for him to tell me what to do that I loved to tell everybody else what he told me to tell them to do. And it was a wonderful relationship. And I had it with my wife. I was a perfect dictator. I was benevolent dictator. I wanted her to have the best clothes money could buy. And I bought them for her. Never asked her what she wanted, just bought them. I wanted here to have like your leopard coat. I wanted my wife to have fine cars So I'd go buy them. Never asked her what the hell she wanted, I just bought it. I wanted her to have wonderful vacations. Never asked where she wanted to go, I just took her. And for six years we had a perfect relationship. I gave her everything I had and she had to give everything back to me. Now at six years in the program, she'd been in Al-Nam for six months, she heard her story at a women's retreat in St. Simons Island in Georgia and she came home and said, Burns, I want to start going to AA. I want to go back to college and I want to go into therapy you know what I heard you're leaving me now that's not what she said that's what I heard and with my script what would I have heard you know you're leaving me and what does someone do when their caretaker starts to leave you find another caretaper now our setup in our office was there were seven of us we had corners on this office and each of us had a nurse and what do nurses do for doctors they take care of them and make them feel special at least back when i was a doctor kid now they've grown up and said we don't have to do that shit anymore you know but that time they did take care me and make me feel special and this real quality lady that worked for me at that time for two years and there never been an issue at all became almost the Virgin Mary she became a perfect person and over a two-year period I had a relationship with this woman now 99% of this relationship was absolutely platonic I'm telling you that's a truth no reason for you not to believe me because the pain was so severe is no reason for me to lie it tore my guts out one thing you had taught me was one line you can't cross in this program and stay sober is the line of honesty you're either honest or you're dishonest. Now, you say be honest with yourself. Hell, I'm not sure on a daily basis without my sponsor and without the support group I've got knowing when I'm being honest with myself. And I'll tell you why that's true. But I know damn well when I lie. And it tears my heart out little piece at a time to lie. 51 years old, sober 10 years, and I'm sitting there realizing I'm in love with two women. And trying to figure out how three of us can get together and discuss this so we can all three live together because I can take care of you. And that's and I had to change sponsors because I went and took a fifth step with my first sponsor to tell him about all this and he called my wife and told her. Now when I'm talking to the guys in the men's recovery center, I give them this to show them how they have to do inventories and spiritual forgiveness and I say, now tell me what would you have done to that sponsor? to a man, shoot the son of a bitch. That's what I've done. You know? Sure they're going to say that because that's what I first thought. And I went to the second sponsor I had who I just got and I looked at him and I said, Jack, what am I going to do? And he said, you better find God in this thing quick. And about that time when the student's ready the teacher will arrive and a little pigeon of mine came up to me with seven or eight tapes and said, listen to these and see if they're any good. And they were Joe and Charlie's tapes of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And as I listened to those tapes, I knew the program that I did not have and didn't even know existed. Didn't even know existed, and I'd been on the circuit for four years talking, and I was doing some powerful talking because I was telling Clancy's story and Sandy Beach's story and Father Martin's story and all the heroes' stories. I thought it was my story because that's the only story I had was what I heard from them instead of the experience I have today. So I didn't know all of this stuff. So you begin to see why it's imperative for drunks like me to keep it simple. Keep it simple! Because I can complicate a one-car parade in a heartbeat. Keep it simply. I had 11 copies of those tapes made, and 12 of us began a big book study 10 years ago. All ten of us are still sober All twelve of us Are still sober Except for one who died sober We spun out And all of us Are doing big book studies Around town I go to five meetings a week And two of those meetings Are big book stories One I lead And one I participate in I participate both But one of them I lead I truly believe From the vantage point That I've had With twenty years of recovery Sixty-one years of life And a complete dedication to God in this program. Some of the insights that I've gained. Bill Wilson wrote in his last talk, which he never gave, at least it's purported to be his last talking. It's frequently on many of the walls that we see in our Alano clubs and whatnot. And Wilson in that last talk stressed two points. One was that anonymity, he was sure, was ever more essential to recovery. and I found that to be absolutely true for me. The other was that AA must and will change and I read that and I thought, holy cow, what does that mean? And I called Ms. Geraldine D in New Jersey and I said, who's now been sober, she's over 90 years old, been sober over 50 years. She'd been sober about 45 or 46 at the time and I called her and I says, Ms. D, has AA changed since you came in? she said yes I said how has it changed she said when I came in there were probably 4 or 5 old timers for every newcomer today there are at least 50 newcomers for every old timer and I said is this bad or good and she said I don't know it's a reality she said what we have are people with 1, 2, and 3 years of sobriety sponsoring people now I just told you what I was like for 1,2, and three years of sobrity and 4,5, and 6 years ofsobriety I couldn't stir a poop with a spoon. I could drive a car, and let me tell you, I could ride a car to pick up a drunk and take him to a meeting. I could even take him for treatment. But what was I transmitting? How scrambled was my brain? We're still going to have these people sponsoring people. Liz is right. You can find a sponsor. I don't know if you can find the sponsor that has any sort of significant length of time of recovery, even if they've done 12-step work. I said, well, what are we going to do, Ms. D? And she said, we must maintain the integrity of the principles by whatever mechanism we can teach the majority of the people. And I sat and thought about that for a while. I thought, what does she mean? I thought by God, she means big book studies. I don't know if that... Yeah, you're damn right. You're damn right because in those big book studies we can transmit the simplicity of the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous, which are the basics that we talk about. The basics that we talk abou. I told you with a sponsor that I confided in every day, I still got crazy because he was crazy. And his sponsor was crazy! And the people I sponsored in that first ten years were crazy! Thank God we all stuck together so we didn't make anybody else crazy, you know? So I'm deeply committed to big book studies and what I've seen that is my experience is a renaissance in Louisville, Kentucky of fundamental Alcoholics Anonymous by learning and doing. I'm not saying get in there and mentally masturbate through the big book. I'm talking about sweat and bleed through the Big Book and cry and share and learn and do. I got to be a little preaching there for a while didn't you? Now when I got in this book I was fascinated to find out some things rather quickly I found out that alcohol is not my problem now let me tell you for those little pictures who have big ears like I did if you're an alcoholic of my type We're thrown in the big book about a physical allergy and mental obsession. And I literally, truthfully, in all humility with a lot of work that I've done can put on this board formulas and indicate to you the brain chemistry where we're different. Brain chemistry where were different? And don't think... I heard some speakers say, alcoholics are no different from anybody else. The hell we're not! I spent 25 years, thousands of people came through my office my office, I've got the experience to tell you they don't think like we do. You cut them and they bleed. You curse them and they get pissed. But they don'T sit at red lights when someone honks a horn and goes, just like that. Oh yeah, hell that's us. I mean, that's us. It ain't them, it's us! Don't tell me we're like other people. I I mean, you can measure your recovery when you're sitting at that red light and they honk and you look in the mirror because you've got to get your judgments intact because there are some people who kick your ass if you give them a finger. So you look into the mirror then you know you've at least reached the judgment level of recovery. Now, when you know you've reached the spiritual level of recovery is when you don't look inthe mirror you just drop your head and start praying for that miserable son of a bitch who's honking that horn. And then you really know you got it when you drive off saying, God, I hope he has a better day. Those are the stages of recovery. We just don't think like they do. So I can sit here and put on this wall all the formulas from brain chemistry down while we are not like normal people and if you're an alcoholic of my type you'll never be able to drink alcohol like a normal person. But if this book is the truth and I believe it because it's the first time I've had this narrow road that has allowed the horizons to broaden by the gyroscope to reality that I can hold up to scrutiny every action that I do every day. Does it fit within the 12-step big book concept? If it doesn't, it doesn' t belong. It doesn' d belong. So it's the first gyroscoped reality that I've heard and I believe this book and it tells me that my problem is not alcohol. Alcohol caused me a lot of problems but my problem was not alcohol What did it tell me my problem was? The meanest six inches in the world, the distance between my two ears, my mind. The problem of Burns Brady is in his mind. It's the way I think. It's the way I think. And then I start to drink and then it becomes the way I drink. And Wilson called this the and what do we say when you come into AA if you stop the drinking and don't deal with the thinking you go back to the drinking. Or someone comes in on Saturday night and I'll turn to my sponsor and say, so-and-so came in on Saturday. He had a relapse Saturday night. He said, no he didn't. He took a drink Saturday night and he relapsed about six months ago. He relapsED about six month ago. So what I've got to do is deal with the thing and what Wilson called this, those of you who read the book know what he called it. He called it a peculiar mental twist. A peculiar mental twist. Joke. Love it. Tells the alcoholic story to the T. A fellow traveling, I've told this for five years because there's no better story I've ever heard that tells how an alcoholic thinks. A fella was traveling over eastern, oh he's back in I heard this down in east Texas, a fella named Damon. Damon died with 50 years of sobriety. Damon was wonderful. He talked like he had a flat brain wave but if you sat and listened to Damon he was absolutely brilliant. And he was sitting telling this story about this guy traveling in east texas and he was bad to drink so he checked into this motel and he'd work all day come in at night get drunk and they'd set him up to keep his business by giving him whiskey and whatnot said one of these days he had all this fun he could tolerate so he goes home and he gets into aa and he comes back and he got starts traveling again he checked in the motel that night he goes out to go to an a.m meeting they think he's going out to get drunk so he comes Back in after his ame opens the door switches on the light sure enough they've got the room set up for him here's a fifth of whiskey beside the bed and a tub ice and on the foot of the bed are these two beautiful women. And he looks at this scene for me and he said, I started going to AA and asked them what I had to do to stay sober and be happy and they said, you got to quit drinking and change everything you're doing. So I can't drink that whiskey and one of you girls is going to have to leave. That's the drunk story, right? We get half of it right you know it's obvious he hadn't got to the fifth chapter in the fourth step where it ain't just one at a time that makes it right it's the attitude that i have within that one of the kind relationship so what he had learned was parts of the rules but the first part of the peculiar mental twist for me i want to share you my peculiar the first of my peculiar mental twist the first parte of it is being bigger than the rules if you don't take anything out of this talk today, take with you the alcoholic. The major part of his peculiar mental twist is being bigger than the rules. I've got nine points on my driver's license. Three more points and I walk. And I sat down the other night and I looked at this and I said, God, what is my problem? and the first part was I go 95 miles an hour in a 65 mile an hour speed zone and the cops just get irritated with that and they pull them over and tell them I'm a drunk doctor in recovery doesn't seem to impress them a hell of a lot they still give me a ticket and I said you know you do this so you must be stupid I thought no I've got all kinds of degrees say I'm not stupid I said then you must have been crazy I said, hell, I got discharge summaries from four mental hospitals. He says, I'm not crazy. Then why do I keep doing this? And I thought, it's because I'm Burns Brady. I'm Barnes Brady. I think I can drive 95 miles an hour at a 65-mile-an-hour speed zone. Handicapped parking zones. I don't do it anymore, but I have to think about it every time. I know probably that you can't park in a handicapped parking zone even if you're going to be in there two minutes. By God, I can. because I'm Burns Spring. It doesn't take to start with any spiritual insight to be able to say, they're going to punish me for that shit. So I'm going to quit. That's called discipline. You know, and at the end of the sixth chapter is alcoholics were undisciplined? We allow God to discipline us away and it starts off by playing by the rules. Silkworth said if these men, because there weren't any women, These men follow a few simple rules. A few simple... I've never believed Liz when she says, Thank God they said suggestions. And I know she believes that, but I know her heart. If they'd have said, Sit down, woman, and follow these rules, she'd have told me, I'm pissed, but it's okay. But I'll do it. To the day I die, I believe that. I will absolutely believe that because you wanted it so bad. You'd have walked along slack-jawed if you'd have done it. Exactly what you would have done. Extrapolate that, or at least I can, on the mornings that I get up and I begin my day with the 11th step prayer, just like it's written. Just like it'S written. Beautiful outline to begin the day. If I close my day with the eleventh step prayer just like It's written, if I act out my day with the tenth step which leads me to all the other steps just like it says it will. My day is wonderful. If I start that day by sitting down and doing that 11-step prayer and the 3rd step prayer and the 7th step prayer and then sit for a few minutes or even 30 or 40 minutes and let God's power, that power that I can't define but I feel come in, there is a peace and the world may not be what I want it to be that day but I am at peace with it. Do I do it every day? No. Why not? Because I'm vermin free. Yeah, a year ago, Saturday morning, I'm laying in the bed and I'm depressed. What I am is pissed, but I think I'm depressed. And I'm lying in the bit depressed and my wife, who's getting ready to go to an outing meeting, comes over and pulls the chair up next to me and she said, I love you so much, I just haven't got time to screw around with you anymore. I just got to tell you the truth. she said you've just gotten bigger than the program and I sat there and looked at her and I thought how can she say this I mean you hook onto my belt and you're going on a spiritual rocket ride I mean every day is just a journey for God how can she say this I said I don't understand Casey and she said Burns you haven't called your sponsor in six months a year ago see the subtlety that the ten step talks about what wilson called that self-centeredness what do the psychiatrists call us narcissistic wilson wrote self-center because he knew people like me couldn't spell it wouldn't believe it if we did spell it my standing diagnosis in the mental hospitals is psychopathological narcissistic sociopathic personality disorder that means i have the psychiatric profile of serial killer that's right and their diagnosis was correct because they diagnosed what they saw and that's why those people out there who see us call us those things because that's what they see when we're in full flower drunk and sober drunk it's just florid sober it's subtle you know it's so that driving 95 miles an hour 65 mile an hour speed zone that's my way to say screw you authority walk, walk, work it's my friggin' world I've rented you a place don't piss me off right only they've got the guns and until God came into my life Respecting their guns was a lot easier, I'll tell you. Self-stabbing. Second part of the peculiar mental twist. Victimization. I got lots of problems, but my biggest one is you. Oh, I was born poor and I milked that sucker till I nearly drank enough whiskey to die. Oh yeah, you'd been born poor like me where you couldn't belong to country club, you had to caddy. I mean, I Was poor white trash living in a gun barrel at one of those shotgun houses in the south. If you'd been that way, you'd have drank whiskey too. You know, carrying those double bags down that fairway watching those little rick-slack-jawed pricks dive in that swimming pool. You know? That's what I was. There I was, walking around like that. If you've been poor as I was and your mom and daddy couldn't send you to college but you had to work. If you're a rich man if you've being poor as i was and couldn't even afford a car or you had walk. If you been poor as I was, had to marry that rich bitch and live with her for 17 years. I mean, I had the whole litany. Oh, my best one, I had a heart attack in 1994. I almost died. I mean really. I Almost died. Oh, I was pitiful for a year. Oh my God, I've had a hard day. Next it'll be my prostate. Then my bladder will blow up and I'll never have another erection. I'm clean. put down your own facts you got the drill you're pros at it every one of you pros at that was part of your ticket here because you kept drinking whiskey because you could line them up and blame them for it right victimization oh i gave a talk in tulsa about a month ago and we went down for breakfast like we always do and got our ham and eggs and all that stuff and i they told me to go up so we all left the table i came back and sat down this place at the table and there was no coffee. It was set up again just like nobody had been there and my first thought was why in the hell didn't they leave my coffee and stuff like I was supposed to have it here and I got ready to get up and go tell them about it until I realized I'd sat down at the wrong table. But I mean in a heartbeat I was going to clean out the damn restaurant you know because they screwed me up. I started down here a while ago and I needed to get some Rolaids. I dropped in this little store with this woman sitting there trimming out something and trying to do something like that. I mean, she's just doing a little bit of a job she's got to do. And I said, I was in a hurry because I had to get here. I said could I have some Rolades? She said would you mind waiting just a minute? I said lady, it's your job to take care of the customer. And I thought damn it, I did it again. Yeah, I might have done that. She was messing up my talk. And she didn't understand that. victimization what did wilson call victimization resentment and self-pity you want a synonym for self-pitty victimization living a victim and i'll guarantee you the longer i live a victim the sicker i get and there's a whole program designated that called alanine because the longer the alanine stays a victim they simply will not get sane we just are more subtle about it because we can scare the shit out of you and threaten you with getting drunk see and we do it in so many subtle ways with our lip out oh man I'm great at lip outs guess why you're pissing me off and I'm an adult Well, third part of the peculiar mental twist is what I call the square pig round hole bigger hammer syndrome. If the square peg won't fit in the round hole get a bigger hammer and just beat hell out of it. Just beat hell at it until it fits. Now why do I have to I mean my whole attitude toward life is the way I used to put my kids' toys together. You know, if it rolls, I don't give a damn what it was supposed to be. You get it. You know that's your Christmas gift. Why is it necessary for me to do that? My whole problem may not be yours, stems from the second half of the first step and the resolution thereof. Who is in charge of my life? Who is en charge of our lives? Who is responsible for my life every single day? Am I going to manage it or is God going to manage it? I'm going to do my responsibility, but who's going to be in charge of the results? Why do I have a conflict with trying to control everything? Because I am terrified. And why am I terrified? Because I don't trust God. And when I don'T trust God, I am going to mange it because I'M terrified I can't deal with what I get. I DON'T cotton to the idea that God won't give us more than we can handle. And I'll tell you why. What I know for sure is I've never had to handle more than we can handle together. And let me tell you why. Let me tell You why I don't cotton to God and He won't give us more than We can handle. Let me Tell You why it didn't work in my life. One year or so, I come busting ass into the AA meeting, drop down beside my sponsor at one minute late, and he said, where have you been? I said, God just thinks more of my ability than I do. I can't do what He thinks I can do. I had to be somewhere at 5 o'clock for rounds. I had be somewhere 6 o' clock for rounds I had been at the office at 7. I saw 50 patients today. I had run over to a staff meeting at 7 o'lock and then I had to run back by and see a patient and I got here and God just thanks more of me than I do because he's given me all that because you told me that he wouldn't give me more than I could handle. My sponsor looked at me and said, would you bring me your appointment book next week? I said, why? And he said, I ain't never seen God's handwriting and I just can't wait to see it. I absolutely love to blame God for the ever mess I've ever been in. You know, and say he did it. He did it because he thinks I can handle it and I did it but I know that I can tell you after 20 years of recovery I've never had to deal with more than we can handle. Now you and I and God can do it, can deal with it, can live it. So what did Wilson call the third part of the peculiar mental twist was fear. Self-centeredness, resentment, self-pity, and fear. That bigger than the rules, victimization, and square peg, round hole, bigger hammer. Take it home with you. Only solution spiritual. The only solution for me is spiritual. One of the most powerful parts of the big books in the family effort when it says we must be rid of childish spirituality. So many people in this program want to make spirituality smoke, mirrors, and magic. They don't want to make it faith and hard work. Wilson said this program is spiritual and its two components are humility and responsibility. I've watched more people get drunk and crazy on 449 in the big book than any other place in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous trying to accept as a goal rather than have acceptance come as a result of the process. The spiritual awakening occurs as the result ofthe process. Therefore, acceptance? You've got to accept. Oh God, I'm going to accept! I'm gonna accept! I'm gon' accept! You gotta quit drinking! I'm goona quit drinkin'! Goon quit drink! No, that's the way it is. You know, the whole deal. And when I work the process, it happens. It happens as a process. It happens We must be rid of childish spirituality God wants us to have our head in the clouds with Him The book says it But our feet must be on the ground Where our fellow travelers are That's where our work is to be done Why am I in this town today? Because God said go Who needs to hear it? Me Do you need to hear It? Probably Probably And I'm going to go home And all of our lives will be different Because God says The messenger goes to where the message needs to be and that message will ripple to the next person and sooner or later, the truth will be apparent to more and more people. And that's what the whole deal is. Let me give you my diagram for spirituality. It may not work for you. This is hard work in faith. The faith that it'll work and the hard work to accomplish it. It's a triangle sitting on a base. This corner of the triangle is sponsor. This corner is meetings. This corner's big book. Setting on a base of honesty and one day at a time. You want to know if your life's in balance? Draw that diagram and if you're screwed up, figure out which one of those parts you're screwing up in. Because if any of those part break down, the triangle tilts. When all of them are intact, it works. Nuts, if you talk to your sponsor, you haven't talked to your sponsors in six months. Meetings, I've decided to go to two less because I think I'm okay. I'm going to start going to the country club more or do something a little different or go out and coach young people's baseball. Don't get me wrong. When I looked at this little granddaughter, I know I've got to get my life back in balance about some of my family stuff. It may be time for me to come off the circuit for a while. I don't know that yet. I don' t know that. God will reveal it to me through the process I'm working on. It may not be time It may have been time for me to sit down for a While and spend more time at home. I don''t know that Yet. But I'm Working This Process of the Meetings and My Sponsor The Big Book Trust God Clean House Snap Others It's There Start Your Day End your day. Work your day Honesty When I quit drinking I begged to go into treatment Drinking a quart of whiskey a night Sitting in front of the guy Running the treatment center He looked at me and said How much do you drink? I said, I drink a six pack Of beer every night He said, you're lying I said I know how to do it all the time Why did I do that? And one day at a time Let me tell you what Every fantasy Every projection For Burns Brady comes out of an unresolved one day at a time in concert with not accepting and surrendering the second half of the first step. Buy this tape and play that and pray about it. The second half, the first steps, not staying in the day will lead to incredible fantasies and projections and you just get, I just get we all just get goofier than a friggin' goat. That's just all the way it is. That's a southern expression too. Goofier than I go. that's the spiritual answer for the incredible peculiar mental twist that allows me one day at a time to deal with my thinking so that I don't have to go back to the drinking I will close for you by telling you my family stories, they're important I have a daughter of 35 who's been in AA 15 years, I have son 30 who's bee in AA for 13 years both of those children say that the number one the most significant factor in their lives was their daddy drinking, and the most important thing and the more significant factor in their life was their dad is sober. My mother died in 1978 of breast cancer. I got eight months of sobriety. My mom and I were just like that. I mean, what a beautiful lady. But for eight months I got to go home every weekend and Casey and I would go down together and we would talk with Mother and what an incredible amount of healing. We never had a problem. My mama knew me like she knew the back of her hand, a lot better than she knew herself. She was just so grateful to see me happy in a relationship and she was so grateful to see be sober. When my mama died in 1978, my daddy, who was always one of the most neat, one ofthe neatest men I've ever known, this man would never say I love you and he'd never hug you, but he was just always there, quiet and solid. And no matter what I did, I broke my leg playing basketball, football and baseball. I was a fairly good athlete, I just had bad legs. But I broke my leg and Daddy was always out there and would pick me up and put me on the stretcher. He was just always there. And when I got sober and would go down to make my amends to Mother, I'd try to make them to Daddy and Daddy wouldn't listen to me. He'd just say, Burns Mac, I don't want to talk about it. Now, there's some things in his life that I know today I can't share with you. I'm just not privileged to do it. Don't even particularly want to. But I can tell you, Daddy was carrying his own stuff and he could not embrace that. I've done at least 50, 60, 70 fifth steps with those men at that homeless shelter and I've held men in my lap that could eat that wall and whip your ass in a heartbeat. And I've helped them in my lab while they sit there and told me things and just would cry and sob. I've literally held them. It hurt but I held them in the back of my lap and stroked the back of their hair because the commonality they were all drinking before they were 10 they were also sexually molested as children. Make out every what you want to but they would sit there and tell me things that they'd never told anybody and what they were looking for and didn't know it was some significant male to say, It's okay. And I wanted Daddy to say that and Daddy didn't do it. He didn't even know the script and he couldn't say that. He couldn't talk with me. He didn' t know how to do that. And I would come back and I'd tell my sponsor he'd say don't try to cram it down his throat you can find that in the big book if you need to find it but you can't do that and hurt somebody else for your own freedom. And Daddy then began to lose his mind. He remarried right after Mother died to a lovely lady that was a friend of the family's, and we were all grateful that he did. She was a great gift of God. And Daddy then began to lose his mind with Alzheimer's, senile psychosis, senile dementia, whatever you want to call it. But he forgot who I was, forgot who my brother was, forgot even the mother had been alive. Peggy then and I put Daddy in a nursing home, and I'm not going to get into issues with that. It's immaterial. It's not even germane to what I'm talking about. That's where Daddy needed to be for his own protection. Put him in a nursery home, and I'd drive down pretty close to every weekend to see my daddy. And I'd drive down. Remember, this is what's going on after 10 years of recovery in that period of time and the world is opening for me. And I drive down every weekend and say, God, take away my pain. I just want... God, takeaway my pain and I'd go in and work with daddy get in the car and nothing worked. 250 mile drive down 250 mile ride back. This one Sunday I drove down and I parked that car in the parking lot and it was time. I said, God I didn't know God, let me be for my daddy what you want me to be. I went in, he was sitting in a wheelchair because it's just too weak to walk. And he thought I was my uncle, my Uncle Buster, his brother. And I said, how can I help you? I didn't call him Daddy, that confused him. I said how can i help you, he said yeah Buster would you shave me? And I shaved him. I said would you like to have some lunch? He said believe it would Buster and I rolled him out there and he's too weak to feed himself, I fed him. Peggy came in, sat down right opposite me and she and I got to talking. Mother and I used to do this all the time, we'd just talk and Daddy used to love to sit and watch us talk. He loved to watch Mother and me talk. And Peggy and I were talking, Daddy was watching. I said, how would you like to go out on the porch? He said, believe a wood buster. And I rolled him out there. Peggy got to talking, Daddy was looking. He raised up in his chair and he looked me right straight in the face. He said son, today you're just like the little boy your mother and I raised. I love you very much. Thank you for coming to see me. Ten seconds later, he didn't know me. We buried him two years ago. He never recognized me again. The miracle, and please hear this loud and clear. The miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous is not that my daddy recognized me, is it? The miracle about AlcoholicsAnonymous is that this self-centered alcoholic said, Dear God, let me be for my daddy what you want me to be. My prayer for me and my prayer for you is that we put our own house in order and then we say each morning as it tells us on 164 in the big book, dear God let me be there for the person who still suffers may God walk with you and walk with me in this journey thank you for the privilege of being here I'm going to take my love home to my wife Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. you you you you Thank you.