Step 11 – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 18 of 29 – 2025 – Amy D.

laptop at work so i'm zooming on my phone and it only allows me to see a few of you at a time and i looked at that participant thing and it said i think the last time i looked it said 165 participants and i would i'm just i've uh i'm sad that i can't see all of you but i'm so glad to be here. My sobriety date is March the 6th of 2010. Lambton is my home group. I am sponsored by a woman who is sponsored by women who sponsored, I believe in good sponsorship. I am surrounded by recovery that is literature based and, and spiritually directed. I don't know if that's the right way to say that. But I surround myself with people who have what I want. And that turned out to be these people that had literature-based sobriety, but had expounded and evolved in their spiritual life in such a way that they were able to deal with circumstances, weather storms, go through crisis, and do it with a grace that I had never seen displayed before. And, that intrigued me, man. I wanted that um my sponsor is a woman who has lost uh a child in sobriety she's lost two children and recently a grandchild and I remember when her son died and I was only about three years sober then and uh had we you know did what AA does showed up at her house we were taking uh you know food and uh taking her out to meetings and what can we do and and what AA does, the fellowship was showing up. And I remember just three years sober and not having explored or experimented right with step 11 completely. Um, I thought surely we're going to exact vengeance for her. Her child was murdered and I would stand and wait for someone to tell me who did it or where to go, you know, and this subject never came up and, and instead it was about grace and love and mercy. And she never told me to go get them, right? And I was baffled. I was just in awe that someone could walk through that kind of horror, that kind of experience without hatred and vengeance and all that in their heart. and i said i that's i need her to be my sponsor because i was so far from that at three years sober um and and my sponsor is a very spiritual and a woman and i appreciate that and miss pearl travels with me and if you get a chance to know miss pearl or listen to miss pearl she she's just very you know and theresa like i see these people and they have what i want so i want what they have So they say, if you want what they have do what they do. And that wasn't my story in the beginning. I was, I was very desperate to get sober. I did everything they told me to do. I go foot to pavement. I like I'm running from something right for the first three years. I'm going to meetings. I'm sponsoring women. I'm reading the book. I'm doing, I'm do and I'm doing and the 12 and 12 talks about this. It talks about AAs are very busy. We're very busy doing all these things and that's what I was doing. I was very busy. I was doing all of these things. But what was happening to me is that my behaviors weren't changing completely. So there were results from that. Obviously. There were results form that. uh but i was five years sober and i kicked in my neighbor's door and you know trying to kill everyone in the house and burn the house to the ground by morning blah blah blah long story this is still how i'm responding to fear to life to things i can't control i'm still a bully i'm still intimidating i'm so yelling and screaming and and i'm thinking when is this going to stop why am i doing this you know three years sober cost out my boss quit my job threw my keys at I mean, I can be an ass. And I'm thinking, why? I've done the steps. I say the prayers. I sponsor women. Why do I act like this? And finally, at five years sober, my sponsor said to me, are you ready now to do all the steps? And I said, I do all these steps. Why would you say that to me? Very offended, you know. I do All This Steps. I sponsor woman through the steps what are you talking about? And she said, the second part of 11. And I just stopped. She said, you're so surfacy. You know, you'll say the prayers, you will do the action. But meditation requires a depth. It requires us to dive deeper into those waters. She said Amy, you are so surfancy. You are never going to find the peace you want. You are not going to fight that change in behavior and who you are and your response to things. you're so surfacy i want you to know too that until that time i wasn't a crier still i was a tough girl on the streets i was a tough grow in sobriety they used to tell the newcomers don't go by her so i'll stomp you you know these are my defense mechanisms i'm just i'm tough and i'm hard and i don't cry uh who what are you crying about and we got to keep it moving and all these things right and i not that i hadn't cried i didn't cry in public though that was for sure And when I cried, it was very rare and it had to be something, you know, it was a big deal to cry. And then step 11, right? And now my sobriety and the way I'm living and that surfacy relationship with God has got to change. And my sponsors challenged me to do that. And just like the 12 and 12, I love that everything that happens to me is in the book. It's in our literature. I'm no different. I'm a garden variety drunk. Right. And the same things that were true then are true now for garden variety, drunk like me. And it says that, you know, we'll avoid it. We'll stay busy and we say our prayers and isn't that enough? And, and then we think, oh, meditation is for clergy. It's for, you Know, people of higher training or better understanding. It'S not for me. I used to always This was my excuse. Oh, I have ADHD of my brain. I can't meditate. I can't slow down long enough. I've tried it and brush it off and brush it up and brush off until your sobriety at some point requires all the steps, every part of all the steps. And so in year five, I started this journey into meditation, prayer and meditation. I can do the prayers, right? I like to pray. I was raised Catholic. I know how to light a candle, say a prayer. I'm good at prayer. Meditation. Ah, geez. Now what an order. God knows he sees so much further than I can. And I had been sponsoring a woman she's on here tonight Rachel and God sent Rachel into our lives right and Rachel happened to be really good at meditation just naturally just from the beginning it was an area of interest to her she explored it she dove into those waters and so she had been sharing that with me and her sponsee sisters and you know there's our support group and so over time Rachel um I had taking her through the steps. And I had, you know, done, I'm her sponsor, right? But she's teaching me. See, that's what God does. She's teaching me. We have these symbiotic relationships. My sponsor, Delinda says we sponsor each other in different areas all the time. And so Rachel's teaching us about guided meditation and breathing techniques and all these things. And, you Know, I am like, I should, you I am going to learn it. And so once we finally experimented, right? So here I go. You're five and I'm finally going to experiment. I will warn you if you've not done this yet, get ready for the waterworks because I started crying. I'm the biggest crier. I am like an Al-Anon. I just have tissues in my pocket. I'll cry any moment for any reason. Because of this oneness, we connect through meditation. Because this thing and meditation that connects us to all living things. That takes the God in me and connects it to the God and you and the God, and the animals and in the earth and in air and in the trees and in all there's all things around me. And, uh, that's overwhelming and it's humbling and it allows me to be safe and vulnerable. That is incredible. Um, I do want I see this too, what the girl, thank you. I think it was Kendra that read in the beginning. Thank you for reading that. Um, it, you know, it talks about that profound sudden experience and that had happened to me on step seven. I had a profound, uh, white light experience and it had frightened me it frightened me um it felt like electricity um it was not comfortable it was it scared me um I I knew I had changed in that moment right you don't change and then there was no denying there was a God I felt like I sat in a room and he had joined me there and and something had transpired and that's for a different thing but because of that experience being so deep not surfacy. See, I'm comfortable surfacy that had been so profound and so huge and transforming that I was afraid of that. I was terrified to be in a room alone with my higher power like that. And I know that wasn't yet just another reason, another excuse that I avoided meditation and keep that relationship so surfacy for so long. But at year five, I began to explore meditation. So what that looked like for me at first was just breathing, right? Breathing exercises. It was guided meditations. I found them on YouTube. I Googled, you know, step 11 guided meditation, you Know, and I would do these guided meditations because I don't know what to think or what to do and I'm learning. And I would do that. I would do a guided meditation. That practice of doing those things has evolved. I now like to include mind, body, and spirit. So I like to do different yoga poses or stretches that align my back and my spine and my heart and my belly and my sacrum. You know, I'd like to be aligned with things around me. I like to walk barefoot on the earth. I love the exchange of energy that I can feel, that Ican grab hold of when I stand barefooton the earth and skin-to-skin. You know, we do that with the newborn babies. They like us to do skin- to-skin .I like to do a little skin- to- skin with the earth .Ilike to do it with trees and in grass and in mud even. And I just like to feel uh that primal kind of connection of of body and earth and and spirit and I love to stand in the wind early in sobriety a woman told me a sober woman who was you know had done all the steps including the second half at 11 she told me one time that sometimes when she sits outside and she would feel the the wind blow she said it's to her it was like God just taking his hand on her face. And that reminded me of a friend, John Anderson, who used to say, I've never seen the wind, but I see what the wind does. And I've never seen God, but i've seen what God does. And so now when i'm sitting outside and I feel a breeze, I feel what God Does and I take it as a gentle caress to my face and into my body. All these things, whatever that looks like for you, going to church lighting a candle or, you know, whatever meditation you practice, you know, the goal, the place to be is that oneness, that connection, that safeness, that vulnerability. That 12 and 12 tells us that once you tap into that, you would no more go without that than you would go without food or air or water. And I think that's true for me. um, now, you know, five, say almost six years later, do I get busy and run and not take time for that? Absolutely. But buddy, it catches up quick. You know, it is not long before I'm irritable, restless, discontent. I don't feel like I feel like i'm at odds with the world instead of flowing in that spirit of the universe. And I feel the resistance and, And I know the fix. I know that I don't have to stay uncomfortable. I don' t have to stay in fear. I can take the time to find that pose or that posture. I can make that decision and take that time for those breaths. I can be alone in a room with my creator and not be frightened. It's a beautiful experience. Life goes on, right? Things happen. This is how meditation helps me and salvages me from myself and from circumstances. My dad died about a year ago, October 13th of 2019. It was just past, it had been a year. I, had I not delved into that deeper relationship through meditation with my higher power, when my dad passed, I felt God. It wasn't words I was saying, prayers that bounced off the walls and around the room and fell to the ground it wasn't because you told me whatever you told me it's because I knew just like what Teresa had read I know different I know different I feel different and and then that's proof for me and that that's what matters for me. And when my dad died I was able to know a knowing a sense of peace and comfort that allowed me to grieve him in a you know as a sober woman and share that grief with so many others that knew and loved him as well. And these are things that wouldn't have been possible otherwise. Since I started prayer and meditation, I want you to know all my neighbors are much happier. No one has had their door kicked in, not anywhere, not for blocks around, not by me. And so this is a profound change in my personality and actions since I began this practice of prayer and meditation, you know, to have that closer conscious contact with a God. So in prayer, I feel like I'm meeting God in the morning, you know? And, but through meditation, I feels like I am connecting to you and I am connecting to him and I'm connecting to all things. And that moves with me. It is constant wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. It can, you know, get away from me and, but there's a path back. There's always a path back, and that's how I like to practice prayer and meditation. I love the prayers. I love The St. Francis Prayer. I, I love all the prayers in the book. I honestly do. My sponsor is big about what does that mean? That's what she's always asking me. What does that mean? And she's always trying to get me to come off that surface answer and dig a little deeper. What does that mean, and she does that with my prayers. What is that mean what you're saying those words? What does it mean when I say our Father? What is it mean? You know, and the 12 and 12 talks about that exploring the St. Francis prayer sitting with it asking ourselves what does that mean? And I like to say, what does that look like? What does that look like on me? Because I have to visualize it. So if I'm going to seek to understand rather than be understood, what does dat look like and I'll sit in meditation and I will allow my higher power to supply me with an imagery a vision of what that looks like on me. And it's through that I learned to listen just to listen not to have an answer uh not to provide criticism or or uh critique or advice even just to listening uh listening to understand and and just to sit with someone in agreement uh with their feelings without trying to fix or change them just to be present and whatever's going on with them. If you knew me, you would know. Let victory over them be, you know, bear witness, right? So if you knew that I cannot do that, that in and of myself, if you tell me something's wrong, I tell you what to do. I'm a fixer. I'm an oldest child. I'm all those things. You bring a problem, I give you an answer. And you didn't even ask me for one, but I've got one for you. And it's only through prayer and meditation that I've learned to listen without the impulse to fix, direct, criticize, you know, none of that. And that that's okay. And that unless asked, I don't have to give you an answer, you Know, to your problem. I can just sit there with you. I think that makes me a more effective human being. It brings me closer to who I want to be, what I want it look like. the men and women that i want to grow up and be like they're not quick to give you any answer they listen and then i like miss pearl always says if i may or may i make a suggestion or would you like me to you know and of course i'm like of course I went into anything you have to say I want to hear. But, but she, she asked that, you know, and I think what wisdom, what kindness, what beauty, what strength, what grace to be a woman who can make other women feel okay in their presence, who politely and gently offer advice, direction or suggestions when asked, you know, that wasn't my story. That's not who came in here. That change is no change I could have made on my own. It's nothing you could have made in me. That changed comes directly from prayer and meditation, a conscious contact with the God of my understanding. That is a direct result over time of me exercising this step to the best of my ability. Today's reading and the daily reflection talked about self-reflection or self-appraisal, and then the prayer, and then the meditation, that circle, right? And it also said it doesn't matter in what order you do them, just do them. And that they will bring you to that place, you know, to be a have a better life. And that's true for me. And I don't know how I survived the first five years doing, you know 10 I'm always hardest on myself, I take my inventory. I do a 10 I do some prayer and I get busy helping others. No wonder you know I no wonder I was 12 stomping women. I had skipped a meditation, you know? So now looking back, uh, I'm glad that I have that comparison. I have that experience of what it's like without it, who I'm like, what I will do, how I make people feel, and then progressing forward in this quest to grow in effectiveness and understanding that comes from that, that inventory, that step 11 prayer and meditation. and then we're prepared to work with other people carry this message and apply these principles I can't apply the principle of of love and patience and tolerance until I have sat with my creator and felt connected to him allowed his energy his his strength his guidance his love to impermanate me to move through me to fill every cell every space that is in me and sit in that You know, from that place, I can move forward in a more effective and understanding way. I used to say when I first got sober, less of me and more of you. But then I would never sit down with God long enough for that to happen, right? So today I try to sit with my higher power. I try to sit in a silence, in a peace, in a place where I can breathe, where I can feel, where i can envision, you know, envision. I'm at perfect ease and comfort alone and you're looking at a person who had to have a TV on, had to have a radio on, had to be able to hear the noise around me all the time, right? Because the chaos in here was only quieted by the chaos out there. And nowadays, my husband will come home and say, why is it so quieted? Because I don't have a TV on, I don' t have a radio on, I'm just sitting. You know, and that gift of to be at perfect ease and comfort with myself, you know, in a room with my creator only and the stillness. I've come to enjoy stillness, I've come to enjoy that place of breath and peace um and that has been an amazing journey and it continues because it you know nearly 11 years sober I look ahead at my sponsor at Miss Pearl, Tim Hyland, Teresa, Carla, Miss Polly Pizzle I look head at these women that I admire that I aspire to be like and I know that I'm I I'm doing the things they told me to do I'm doing the things they set me the example for I'm doing those things. And I'm growing and I'm learning and I'm going to skin my knee and I're going to forget and I have to get back up and say, Oh my gosh, you know that that's a basic 101, you Know, but, but I have to recommit and relearn every day so that I can grow. My friend Johnny Gaines said everything I learned in AA has a shelf life of about 48 hours. So I have to keep coming to you. I have to keep being with you and near you lest I lose my way. You know, I love Alcoholics Anonymous. Teresa is absolutely correct about that. When I signed in, I hear the noise, I hear the laughter. Man, it's like walking into the honky tonk. My adrenaline goes up. I'm smiling ear to ear. I want to start dancing and hollering like I love AA. I love the fellowship. I love the energy we share. It's a sensual and it's, oh, it fills my cup. And when I have done prayer and meditation, I see it for what it is. I see the miracle that is you. I See the miracle. That is me. I see The energy and the love and the laughter I'm aware, but without meditation, I'll go deaf and blind to that. I won't recognize the miracles. They'll be dull. they won't be shiny. They won't be true. But when I sit in meditation, when I zit in prayer the earplugs come out the scales fall off from my eyes and I can see the magic and I never want to miss the magic but I have to be plugged in. I have to be prepared. I have to be in a place to see it to receive it and to give it. It's been a rough week for me. I joined Al-Anon this week. Hey, I got a sponsor. You know I'm constantly growing exploring and changing uh and God's constantly meeting my needs you know um but if I'm not tuned into that through that step 11 uh I'll miss it I will absolutely miss it um COVID I'm Teresa I'm so glad you guys started this because COVID really showed us that what if your Tuesday night meeting is not meeting? How's your sobriety then, right? What if your home group's not meeting and you know, what, how's your sobrity then? Because while we all figured out this Zoom, right. We were just, we were just the telephones and things like that, but right. But the importance of my spiritual maintenance, right, the, um, the important of my relationship with my higher power and my spiritual program that became so evident when the fellowship was kind of pulled from us in the way we understood it and have come to know it i like to think that i grew closer and more reliant on my god through that time um we've all kind of figured out the zoom thing and and everybody's kind of get on board and here locally we do have one or two local meetings that are opening up in person but you know social distancing what am i going to do with my hugs and my and on all of those things but i've had to rely when the chips are down um my sobriety at the end of the day is between me and my higher power right because yeah the book talks about the big book talks About When The Boys Went Off To War right they didn't have meetings they didn'T have fellowship they didnT have the things we have and they had their step work their literature and their relationship with their higher power that indicates that that is essential right like Kendra read these things are essential and um and I'm glad to have it and and I hope you're not trying to have a sobriety without that relationship and I don't know if that'll work for you or not I don'T think it would work for me. But what I do know is you're missing the good part, you know, that's like going to a buffet, but you know only drinking coffee, like the food's up there, like you're missing the joyful part, you're missing the inspiration, you're missing the magic if you're not doing that part because it is in that spiritual realm, it is in that meditation that we are prepared and positioned and we see life differently, we see relationships and people and events differently. And that's where the magic is. I never want to miss the magic. I don't want to miss the miracles. In my disease, the world got real gray, right? I didn't see color. I certainly didn't seem miracles. I didn' t see God's hand in things. I didn't see any of that. I was blind to the magic and the spiritual realm and the place that operates beyond our understanding and our earthly eyes. I was blindfolded, and it was boring, and it Was gray, and It was depressing, and It Was ugly. But through the steps and through sobriety, right, and through prayer and meditation, I've been given a new pair of glasses, right? Like Chuck C says, and I see different and I hear different. And I never want to take these glasses off. I never wanna put the cotton back in my ears. We wanna stay plugged in. I wanna stay connected. I wanna be where the magic is. I Wanna see it. That's what keeps me sober. That's why it keeps me happy, you know, uh, and peaceful. Even when the things around me are chaotic or seem threatening or not the way I want them to be right this morning um as I'm realizing my powerlessness and my children's path that they're on and um my prayer this morning as I sat with God in the car right as I meditate and I'm breathing I'm thinking and suddenly he reminds me right and a thought then intuitive thought or decision comes to me and I just started laughing out loud in my truck. I said, I did it again, didn't I? See the reason I'm so stressed with God, you know, revealed to me the reason you're so stressed and you're still worried. My sweet child is because you're trying to do a job I never asked you to do. You're trying lift something that is way too heavy for you. That is for me to do, I need you to, you know, and that's why I'm breathing hard. My jaw is clenched and I crying all the time and I'm frustrated, you know in this relationship with my with my son and because I've taken on a job that God never asked me to do it's not my assignment that's not what he asked of me that's his job and of course being just little old me I'm not I'm gonna struggle uh to do his job right uh you know uh and so I just laugh because in meditation he he gives me answers and sometimes I this It's the same thing. I knew that, right? But he reminds me. And so my prayer today was God, please allow me to be right size in this universe and all my relationships and leave that to you. And let me do this next stitch as Tim Highland says, I'm doing the stitches. I'm going to do this next small thing that God has assigned me to do. And I'm gonna leave the heavy lifting to him. But if I didn't take time for prayer, if I didn't make time for meditation, I would still be breathing hard with my jaw clenched, trying to force and move things that aren't mine to move and to fulfill duties and tasks that were never asked of me. Not by my God. So that's it. I am so looking forward to this next 40 minutes. I'm so excited about this part. Like, I, you know, who wants to hear from me? I want to hear From You Guys. I want To Be With You in that sense. So I am so excited about this next part of this meeting. Teresa, thank you for asking me to share. I am just so excited to see all these people from all these places. And I'm just going to wrap this up and stop because I want I want to be with you. And that's all. Thank you, Teresa. Philip, come on up. All right. We'll put Philip on hold. How about Carmel from Sydney? Come on up, please. Can you hear me? Go ahead, please Can you here me? Go ahead Yeah, thank you very much, Amy. That was absolutely marvellous. Jesus I really enjoyed that you know now you really got my attention when you mentioned about the noise and the background like the radio and something oh my god above tonight if I don't have talkback radio on today like and especially with the election in America like even though I'm from Ireland living in Australia this time I have the radio on 24 7 if I could right now I've got to stop how in the name of God did you wean yourself off the radio and and and and you know yeah and get into guided meditation because I have to complete silence if I try to meditate so you have really inspired me now how did you do that well the guided meditation my mind will race it races and wanders and a thought will come and I'll follow it off into a direction and then another thought now if she said oh and rachel really helped me with that because she said when the thoughts come allow them to pass it but just don't follow them just observe them and watch them just pass through uh but if i'm listening to something i can listen to that and it reduces the random thoughts and the runaway thoughts and allows me just to try to be in a space uh in the now i love in uh our reading right and how it works we say and may you find him now and i like the interpretation or i've heard people say that we don't mean now like right now we mean in the Now may you Find Him Now because God exists in the NOW he's not in you know we're not effective in the past we have no power in the future in the now. And I always tell my sponsor, you stay where your feet are, right? Because if I'm in the past, I'm regretful and remorseful. If I'm not in the future, I'm anxious and afraid. But if I can be in the now, where my feet are with God in this moment, then I have a half a chance of finding some peace. The radio and the different things for me became distractions from my silence, from my peace, just from my sitting, from my stillness. And so what I did was the guided meditation was the noise I needed, right? Like the radio, but I was listening to guided meditations or music and then all, and I just started turning them down a little bit and a little bit. And then I found that I enjoyed the quiet. I never knew I'd enjoy quiet. I didn't know that was possible for me, but you know what? I had never tried quiet. and as I started to reduce the noise around me it was one less stimulant right because I react to stimulants around me. I react to noise and colors and music and light and movement and so it was One Less Stimulant. It was Oneless Distraction and so when I can just kind of bring everything down quieter into a stillness I found that I'm very peaceful there. I was surprised but i would start by just maybe turning it down a little bit a little bit and the guided meditations i love um there's so many good ones there's so many um wonderful meditative leaders and spiritual teachers that you can listen to and music and with those i started you can do that you can google or go on youtube three minute meditation that's how i started out and i couldn't get through three minute guided meditation and I would be done in one minute you know and then when I could make it to the three minute I was like oh great I did it and then I would go for a five minute guided meditation you know. And I just like a runner would train an athlete would train to run further and build their endurance. I did that with meditation three minutes, five minutes seven minutes eight minutes and now i can i can meditate uh so long that i'm upset when if i have to stop or you disturb me i can get real comfortable uh you know in the now and not even want to you know get up and and with head in the clouds and feet on the ground you know i'll want to just stay head in the clouds uh and i have to come back to the task and the work ahead of us on earth and be on the ground with my feet sometimes but practice it's a muscle it's an exercise and and i think the longer you do it the more time you you spend in it the better you get at it thank you amy kashina come on up please i'm an alcoholic thank you ami so much it was so great to hear you especially today like what i've been going through it was just great i really appreciate it i guess i have a i do have a question um let me see if i can figure out my question the right way when did you start or really knowing like if you had wanted need a direction from God or like what is what is my assignment what what do you need me to be doing right now when did You start being able to decipher that is always and all the time I cannot go two blocks unattended. I am in constant need of God's direction and assignment because I will, uh, my sponsor Terry says I will wander off and I, that's what I will do. I will wonder off. Um, life is so baffling and confusing for me. I made such a mess of my own life, uh, for so long that it would be foolish of me to think at any moment that I could reclaim management and control of this and do any better with it than I had ever done before. So I, um, I need God's direction and assignment daily and not just about like, oh, should I take this job or, you know, whatever. I mean, I consult with him daily, moment to moment, many times throughout the day. Where would you have me be? What would you Have Me Do? You know, and Butch is big on this. And I love Butch and Don Majors and some of these guys. My assignment typically comes down to being courteous and kind and loving, right? And so those things don't come naturally for me i am a bully i'm intimidated i'm sarcastic i mean i'm selfish i don't have time for you i don't care what you do right and so for me to be courteous and kind and patient and tolerant and listen and understanding in these things that these men and women exemplify that's gonna take a lot of god right andso i have to be with him and allow him to fill me up and feel connected to him so that when i be so that i'm more of a instead of it's amy running around this is just a vessel i become a vessel for his love and his light and his kindness and and and what that was will look like um but i needed that direction all the time um even in just planning my day 86 and 87 tell us we look at the 24 hours ahead i shouldn't be planning that alone who knows where we'll end up i am not in charge of that so i guess you know from the early from the very beginning from day one i always knew that from henceforth i was going to need uh direction and guidance and uh from members of alcoholics anonymous men and women with more experience my sponsor somebody should be in charge of what i was doing and it shouldn't be me and uh so kind of consulting with other members and um and then uh that prayer meditation uh piece to consult with god you know and that's that's i don't think there was a time where if i ever uh i don' t think i've tried to not consciously you know tried to do it alone um because i the evidence is in i will i'll end up in a homeless shelters you know that's where that's has happened i'm not you know forecasting that or exaggerating like literally that's what happens to me i end up at home in homeless shelters thank you kishina tanya t come on up please hi amy hi i have thank you so much for your share it's really enlightening i totally relate to the problem and not the solution yeah um the time i used to go to a meeting that was an 11 step meeting where we did we had a speaker that shared and then we did guided meditation different people had different ways of doing meditation there were like four or five people who rotated and leading the meditation for 20 minutes and for years for seven years i've said I want to start a meeting like that. I want to start an evening like that, you know I've participated in other meetings but it's like I've never got the balls to actually just see how to start an evening though like that and so then I don't do it in my own practice because as if I don t know when I find something that's really good I don' t do it all the time because you know it's too good and I've done it before I get it How do you get over that? How do you get over that and just fucking do it? I think, you know, for me, the pain gets great enough. The pain gets good enough. The pain is great enough, you know, and I go, oh, yeah, I know what I'm supposed to do, and then I'll do it for a while. Our sobriety and our spirituality, they ebb and flow. They ebb and flow, sometimes I'm on fire and I'm doing everything right and it's going great, it's going so good, I stopped doing the things that I was doing that made it go great and be good. Right. And then I drop into this lull. I'm like, why aren't things going right? This is so hard. Something's wrong. Oh yeah. You stopped doing the things that made it all right. You know? And so then back on the wagon, I go and back to, you know, doing all the things. There's some things that stay consistent. I think those principles of Alcoholics Anonymous need to stay consistent. And those are the, the trust God clean house helps somebody, you know, I need, I have never let up on sponsorship of women. I've never let up on being sponsored. I'd never let upon, you know being sober and what that looks like in going to meetings. But I think there is an ebb and flow to, to and highs and lows and waves to are sobriety. And when, you know, like they used to say, when your butt gets on fire, when the pain gets great enough, then you'll get back to those basics and you'll get back into those things. It's like, you know what? I felt really good when I'm doing meditation, when I'M doing prayer that I feel really good. When I do that, I'm going to get back there. And the thing is, I don't know with my God, he knows my heart and he's just sitting their way and he's like oh did you get tired out there running around all by yourself trying to lift the world up and do those things welcome back have a seat you're gonna let me do it for a while that's great you know and uh and he always just welcomes me back and uh and says you know sit with me uh you know with my higher power my burdens of light and my worries are few and when things start getting too heavy uh or my mind starts worrying too much, I know that I am further away from him than I need to be. Thank you, Tanya, for your question. DJ and Bali, come on up, please. Hi. Hi, I'm DJ. I'm an alcoholic. And thank you so much for your share for us today. It's great. um i seem to be coming back to this meeting a lot huh that's great you get some great speakers and you're one of them thank you i my question is this i am a meditator and uh and it's fabulous it's like uh that's where i get my calm and and uh that peace that lets me go on for the rest of the day you know with something that's really sweet uh my question isthis how long did it take you in days or weeks or months or years uh to actually connect with that power greater than yourself because there's you know there's pieces of meditation parts of it but you don't reach that you know oneness of the universe right like that's you Know that's like where you we want to get it doesn't get any better than that so I was just wondering how long it took you um like I said i had that uh profound spiritual experience in my first uh nine months of sobriety um i wasn't real excited to recreate that so i avoided uh that that meditation that deeper um more powerful more profound experience i was you know frightened by it and so uh that was probably so year five is when I kind of stopped with just prayer and began that meditation, um, more purposefully purpose, you know, being very purposeful in my meditation and prayer. I am fortunate when I, um. When I embrace you and our hearts are next to one another and our faces are next to one another and our arms are holding with one another i feel god you know and so even in a hug with another person if i'm spiritually aligned if i've got my glasses you know and i've been in that place then i can experience i experience my god in you and um and in anyone i come in contact with uh uh and those days are brighter you know it's not every day, right? That you look at something and you just see the God shine. You know, sometimes it's just like, Hey, look at that jerk. He cut me off. Right. And then other days you're out there and you're like, that's a child of God. We're all connected. Have a blessed day, sir. You know, so it ebbs and flows, but I am fortunate. And I do think though, that for me, it happens more often than not, you know, more often than not. I am feeling that I feel that God, I feel that connection more often Than Not. One time I spent about six hours in a room by myself waiting to speak and there was no conference going on. So I was just somewhere out in a hotel in Oklahoma and they were going to pick me up later that day. I had nothing to do and I meditated and prayed all day. I got so far out there that it was when it was time to speak, I had to call Pearl and say, I can't get my head out of the clouds and my feet on the ground to give this lead. Like I'm in that fourth dimension. Like, I know I'm like floating off. Like i had to call Pearl to kind of grab my ankle and bring me back down for probably remembers that. So we get to have those experiences. But I think, you know, we're not meant to, we were entitled to glimpses of that, right? But if I get lost in that realm, then I'm not, I'll lose my effectiveness here with my feet on the ground. And I have purpose and there's things to do. I have assignments. I have tests. There's people to talk to. There is love to share. There are grandchildren to hold. there's work to do. You know, I've got things to do here. So I can't afford to be in that transient space so long that I miss the work around me that's here to do, but it equips me to do that work in a loving and kind and tolerant way to everyone. Thank you, DJ. Good to see you here again. Brother Rico, come on up, please. Good evening, family and friends. Welcome newcomers. My name is Rico Cruz. I'm a grateful recovered alcoholic. Hi, Rico. Hi Rico. Oh, Ms. Amy, thank you so much. I love your voice, but you brought my favorite topic to the table, which is prayer and meditation, but you bought it with joy. Yeah. A lot of people that are in prayer and medication are very serene, still, I call them sterile, but that's judgment. I try to be non-judgmental, But I like to joy. You know, when I get together and dance with God, I like the joy. And when I do that in silence, I come out in joy. And I just love the way you brought that. It's like not being joyful. It's not bringing joy filled. And I sense that from you. And I said, wow, she's like me. No, I'm only kidding. But very, very exciting. I have to take a sidebar and say hello to my friend Kushina. Kushina said hello to me. but that's a horse of another color anyway you were fantastic and don't ever lose that joy that's the whole deal for me if it's not fun and i can't have that joy regardless of what it is and i gotta find some joy in it yeah there's an old gospel singing group uh the winans they said whatever happens in your life count it all joy and i use that as my mantra when i have to deal with something i don't want to deal with i have to go within and say count it all joy so i just wanted to thank you for your joy but one last thing what's your what's Your Home Group and where is it my home group is Lambton Kentucky um so it's Wolverine Kentucky and listen I'll tell you if you like joy you need to come to Lambton because we are a joyful and celebratory and loving and uh joyous group of recovered alcoholics we have been saved from the gates of insanity and death we have being pulled from the scrap heap of life and placed on solid ground and we celebrate that so you are welcome Louisville Kentucky oh Louisville hello okay and I bet my friend Pearl if Pearl's still on here she's a home group member you've heard me mention her several times she uh uh chairs home uh lambton for us quite a bit she probably has the zoom information pearl would you be able to put that up in the chat for lambton if it's a great home group joyous i find joy on um zoom and i didn't even like zoom contemporary to investigation right you know i want my hug i want My Kiss I want my squeeze i want somebody to run up to me say hey reek what's up and uh but now i'm in love with zoom now when the meetings open up i hope they stay on zoom because i'm i'm a zoomer now have a beautiful day and thank you for bringing the joy and don't let anybody anybody ever take that smile away thank you Oh, Bob, come on up, please. Thank you, Ali. Hi, Amy. Wow. I've just got, you know, more than a page of notes here. And then I, you Know, I went back with a highlighter and I don't know where to start, but there's one place for you, and I have a question about this, but about five years in, you know you use the word surfacy and about five years in you took a deeper dive into uh the second half of step 11 and i'm really really intrigued with that so my question is um and it's a line right out of what you were saying uh and i think you were talking to god when you were paraphrasing for us less of me and more of you i'd just like to hear a little bit more of how that happens in your practice right now. Thank you. Thank you, less of me, more of you is to God, you're right, because I have to get out of the way. Me, I just, I am a, you know, a flawed and damaged person. I bring, you Know, when we do step seven and we talk about removing my character defects and shortcomings, you know, that doesn't happen all at once. Right. So for any of us, we're never going to reach that state of self-perfection or where I no longer have these human natures and these things that drive me in my initial response to things. So if Amy's right, if there's more of me, if there's a whole bunch of Amy and a little bit of God that day, you might get cussed out. You might get a dirty look. You might Get whatever, because that's mostly me, right? Those are my selfishness, my self-centeredness, My dishonesty, my inconsideration, my self-seeking. This is what I'm left with without God. And I realized that when I did four and five, I looked at that list and I thought, this is just awful. Look at this. I shouldn't be around decent people you know and when I did five I love the original manuscript because it says on seven that we humbly on our knees you know as and I did I always say five four and five drove me to my knees it draw I mean it just drove me to a begging, a humbled position where I was literally on my knees saying, you know, you have to do something here. Look at me, look at what I look at the wretch that I am, you know? Fix me or let me die. And that's when I had that experience with God. And so 11 allows me to kind of go to him with that same desperation, that same humility, that same earnestness and say, buddy, you got to take over here, right? Because left to myself and I'm going to harm people. I'm gonna be disrespectful to others. I'm Gonna, you know, continue to develop resentments. I'm Going to set this ball in motion. people are going to retaliate like i need you to be i need to be a vessel for you i need to be emptied out of me and filled with you so that i can be effective and uh helping and serving others so that I can take a servant's position right uh to to be a trusted servant Amy can't really be trusted in and of herself but if I can get out of the way, if I can let that love and that understand that joy, that truth that is my creator, and I can connect to that and connect to you and connect everything else, then I'm going to be a servant. I'm gonna be a servent to you. I am going to say to my fellow man, what can I do for you? How can I help you? All my needs have been met by my creator. I AM IN A POSITION ONLY to help and give thank you so much vana come on up please hi can you guys hear me hello oh hi you can't hear me yes ma'am oh right on okay my name is vana and i heard you so i have a question i heard you say that you hear like you get you get to because i started meditating okay here's where i'll start i started meditating three minutes um teresa's my sponsor so she sort of in a way in her genius sort of kung fu way invited me to a party and she was like why don't you meditate for three minutes and so I've been doing that every morning um sometimes it takes me a little while I have to ask my little Alexa to put another three minutes in but I wonder where like does the voice and I know everyone has different signs and different voices I wonder how you hear that like how do you hearthat conscious contact and what is it so it's sort of like the opposite of your character like uh knowing your character defects and doing the oppositeof them is god's voice or no when i when i experience when i experience communication from my god it's not from me the answer is not from m e it is from somewhere else so my friend aileen says if you think god talked to you but you recognize the voice as your own, that wasn't God. Right? So the voice, the intuition, the thought does not come from generate from me. It comes from someone else. It come from somewhere else. That doesn't come from here. So I can, I know my own thoughts, right? I, it sounds like me and I can play it through and I know it, but when I get clear and this doesn't happen often, but I do get clear intuition or um answers or a direction like happened this morning it is not a thought that is generated here it doesn't come from here it's like if rachel it would be like if you were sitting in the car and it came from you right so i know the thoughts that are generated here in my own sick mind in my old thoughts and then i know i recognize when something is not from here and uh this morning, you know, it was, you're doing it, you know, no wonder you're exhausted. I didn't, that's heavy and I didn' t ask you to carry it. You know, and then I left and I was like, of course, I'm doing your job again. Me and God, we're always getting, he doesn't get confused about our job assignments. I do. I get confused by my job, his job. And he said, you don't know, I wonder if you're tired. You're doing, trying to do my job again. And so I said, oh my gosh, you know make me right sized keep me right size in your world and then in this universe um but that that's how i i kind of gets me and sometimes it's through you so you know those there's not a lot of coincidences uh not really right so if i'm concentrating on my i'm searching for an answer from struggling with something and i run into someone and i don't even mention it i haven't even brought up this subject, right? But they give me an answer to something I was thinking about before. Another sign for me or another confirmation for me, they say if you hear it from three different sources unrelated to one another. So like, you know, you hear the same thing three different times in three separate or unrelated areas, like and people that aren't necessarily connected. You're like, You know what, I think that's like the third time someone has said something like that and you know you know they're not in cahoots or you haven't discussed it with them or whatever there's just different ways that i know um that that may be something that i need to listen to or look further into or or you know take time to explore and three minutes is a very good meditation and i have i paused that by the way you didn't you know you won't hear it in the recording nancy come on up please oh hi uh my name is nancy i'm an addict i'm multi-addicted and um this is my first time on this meeting and i'm just really so excited and i's so glad to hear you amy i just loved him I was like a sponge just taking in everything that you talked about. I, I do meditate. I try to do anywhere between like five and 15 minutes a day, you know, try to get it in every day if I can, but I just found your, your chair so uplifting and you know a couple of things in particular that, Oh God, I just love the way you talk about let God do the heavy lifting, you know of keeping my sobriety and my abstinence and you know, I'm just powerless in step one. And I know step two is I trust a higher power. But lately, I've been taking things back, I mean, going into my own head trying to figure it out. I just got so much I took like a bunch of little notes in my little file cards on what you said. And, you know, and and just, um, I just love your humor and your lightness to Oh, God, it's just a great thing to hear and um because sometimes uh you know addiction is serious it's ripped my butt my whole life it's such a serious oh kind of can be scary and so full of fear and all that stuff so it was so great to hear your lightness and i just have to say that this line you said you said relationship with the higher power puts the magic in recovery oh my god that makes me want to do all the work now and just then read and pray and rely on god and um just this last thing i'll share is um how i found out about this meeting i'm on a whatsapp group with a bunch of women and another recovery program i cannot tell you how much information goes through that whatsapp every day and millions of meetings stuff and for some reason now that i zeroed right on in on this one and i just said i'm going to this tonight and i'm so glad i heard you amy And you really just boosted my recovery and my relationship with my higher power. And it's great to see everybody. Thank you so much for letting me share. Thank you. Thank you, Nancy, for being here. Luisa, come on up, please. Hello, everyone. I'm an alcoholic. My name is Luisa. Amy Pinks. Luis, I'm sorry. You're very muffled. You want to try again? I'll mute yourself again. Hold on. Here you go. I'll unmute yourself again Is that better? Yeah, much better. You sounded scary there for a second. I'm having issues, I think, with these earbuds. anyways Amy thanks so much for your share I really related to what you were saying and I'm a tree hugger and I liked how you said about when you came to AA you found it was a honky tonk I was laughing anyways you spoke about learning how to listen more so I wanted to know if you can share a little bit more about just really learning to listen and just being still and not, I guess, reacting. And yeah, just learning how to listen. So one of the terminology that that I picked up in meditation and prayer is this thing about they call it saving space for another person, allowing that person, saving them space, holding them space in your life and your day and your time. Right. And Don Majors, who I love and consider very much a man who has developed his spirituality and through sobriety and things. Don talks about when someone's in front of you um that you that you stop you you're not thinking about where you gotta go or what you're gonna do next or what you're going to say but you just really authentically be present with that person allow them some space in your day and your time um welcome it and and try to look at each person whether it be the cashier at Thornton's uh your child your husband uh whoever is in front of you, but to authentically and genuinely kind of stop and acknowledge that you and I are sharing this space together, that you're here and I'm here. And right now it's just us. And whatever you say is important to me. And I'm going to stop all that. I'm not going to talk to you while I'm texting, talk to You while I am answering the phone, you know, you've talked to people who seem to not be focused in or present. I've done it to people and I had it done to me, right? And just to take that time and be in this space and share this space with you and practice that and hold that other person as valuable, as important in that moment. And I'm not the best listener. I, you know, I'm ADHD. I'm always thinking about what I'm going to say next or I'm like firetruck. You know, it's hard to just keep me right here, but I practice it. I practice it and I breathe and I try to be present that because members of Alcoholics Anonymous gave me that when I got here you know they the old-timers the women and men with sobriety they would just stop and just have a conversation and not just like Amy hi we're glad you're here but when they had time you know like how are you doing and they seem genuinely interested and not distracted in Latin, like in 15 other ways than not checking their phone. And in that moment, I felt valuable and important. And I want to give that gift to others. I want them when they're with me or they're in space with me that they feel valued and important and respected and genuinely. And I wanna transmit that feeling that members of Alcoholics Anonymous, I wanna give what was freely given to me but i have to learn how to do that first i have to learn and so it's just kind of practice and really just valuing that person and saying you know what this person is valuable you right now you're beautiful a your hair looks great you've got great glasses i'm glad you're here i'm god that you and i are sharing this space this time in this moment together we who would we might not ever got to do this otherwise right but look at here's you and here's me and it's like the other hundred folks don't even matter that's a gift that's a connection thank you Louisa and Anna Grace come on up please hi I'm Anna Grace I'm an alcoholic Anna Grace you gotta be from the south I'm from Memphis I love it hi um i get teased about my accent i'm blushing oh thank you uh amy you probably don't remember me but i met you at girl stock oh i love girl stock i know oh my gosh it was it was i guess 2019 yeah and you made such an impression on me and your enthusiasm is just off the charts and um I just want to tell you that I love you and you're beautiful. And thank you for sharing tonight. Anna Grace, thank you. And I hope we get back to girls talk real soon. I miss you guys so much. And what a fun time we had. Thank you, Anna Grace. We have literally two minutes and I'm moved to do something I haven't done in this meeting. You talked about Ms. Pearl so many times. I see Pearl G. Please come on up, Pearl G, just say come on. i wanted you to see if whatever is in your heart yeah if rachel was still on i'd love for you guys to meet rachel too but definitely you gotta be pearl uh i am prone i'm alcoholic and i'm doing the process to do two things i want to also let you know that kena a little was in the house kena uh the uh the reader that uh did the read the spiritual uh experience thing she's uh i'm her spiritual advisor uh rachel's here uh we support one another yes connection we're so well i was so disjointed and disconnected i didn't know how to serve i didn'T KNOW HOW TO BE A PART OF I WANTED TO BE BUT I JUST WOULDN'T LET MYSELF BE AND NOW I AM AT HOME AND COMFORTABLE AND ABLE TO BE PART of service that'S MY THAT'S MY GOAL I'M HERE TO BE a maximum service to the god of my understanding and anytime i've got a chance to serve, I better take it because that's what I'm here for. And I'm real clear about that. I'm a ninth of 11 children. I'm just going to say this. My parents were not trying to make number nine. And the reason I know that is because I'm an adult and I've been around a while, but I'm telling you, I am here because of a higher authority and I will never understand why I'm Here unless I'm connected with that authority, then that authority lives in you and you and you and all of us so every time I miss a chance to connect with another human being I am missing a chance to connect with my higher power and I just don't do that anymore and I'm grateful for that thank you for letting me share that