Step 11 and the Voices That Went from Whispers to Megaphones – Carl P.

yes that happened to me or more important yes I felt like that or most important yes, I believe this program can work for me too. Our speaker night was was placed in my life probably I'd say around a year ago has it been a year now? I think it's been around a years ago and I would always hear about this guy from from this person I really looked up to an AA I thought this girl was like a AA badass right uh like out of all the people i've seen like you know it was the weirdest thing like 75 80 percent of responses would stay sober and i was like dude this girl's a badass and she would always talk about this cat named carl and i Was like dude if she thinks carl's a badass like he's got to be like really super sober dude he's he's gotta be on his shit But I had never met this guy before, and I'd honestly really never met. I think I met one other Carl in AA before that. And I'd never met another Carl in AAA before. So I was at the Alfreda group one time, and this guy raised his hand, and he said, you know, hey, my name is Carl, I'm an alcoholic. And he started sharing a fucking message of depth and weight, man. It was hitting home. So I sort of peeked around the people that were sitting in front of me, and I saw this guy sitting across the room and he had like this big long beard. Pretty sure he's wearing like all black. At the time, he sort of looked like he was, you know, maybe, I don't know, maybe homeless or had been homeless at one time. And I was like, there's no way this is the guy she's talking about. Not that guy over there because I'd imagine this dude floating but this guy is actually, this guy is actually Gwinnett Room inside joke but this guy this guy this guy is awesome man And he, sorry, I apologize. This guy is awesome, man. He really does. He works out of the big book. You know, anything that comes out of this guy's mouth is his experience with God, with power, and with the steps and the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And, you know, I think that's something to look up to, right? because the guys, anytime I've talked with them, he's not telling me what he thinks or what his opinions on alcoholism or anything we suffer from is, but he always talks about his experience and how to find some solution with it. And I think that's a pretty awesome message to carry, you know? I think you guys are in for actually a really big treat tonight. And with that, I give you my good friend Paul. Thank you. I forgot this, Mom. No, no, that's there for you. How are you guys doing? I'm Colin. I'm an alcoholic. Thank you, Mom, Bob likes to ask me to speak and I think it's like 25% he likes what I say and about 75% how I freak out before I speak, but I decided tonight to mess with Bob and I was walking in, I decided to send him a check so that I was walking in and I shit my pants. Now he's going to have to cover for me. It's a big meeting. My sobriety date is May 19th, 2006. Alcohol spit me out on that morning. I haven't had a drink since that date. and I don't think I had much to do with it, that's for sure. I'm going to explain a little what that looks like for a guy like me. I know that there's a lot of new people in here. You can just see it on your faces. And the funny thing is appearance really can give it away. Face will give it all away, but appearance will, and I can't tell you literally four years in people still thought I was a newcomer just based on appearance. and you always know he'd come up to you hey brother how you doing first time here well I got sober a little while ago yeah so um I did decide to clean up for Bob though so um I've spoken this meeting before it's been a while so um I look around and I some people have probably heard my story you can doze off now some people don't know me maybe you'll never see me again I don't we'll see I hope you know if there's one thing that you guys here tonight I hope it's that you really don't ever have to drink again and there's no doubt about it from this date on you can live completely free of alcohol and when I mean free I mean free not like grinding your teeth around it and avoiding it and hiding from it and like you know I can't hang out with these guys because they drink I literally mean completely free and you can live in this world and not be scared of it you know at all you can literally live completely free I hope that that's something that interests somebody because when I got here I didn't think that one, that was possible. And two, if I was to get sober, I really did, I just figured I was gonna have to kind of live in shackles, you know what I mean? And I'm not gonna have to like, I can't go concerts, I'll get drunk. And I am a treatment center guy. And I heard a lot of that stuff, you know. And it may be true for some people. It's just not true for me. It is not my experience. You know, you're sober for a little while in Alcoholics Anonymous and things are constantly changing that's like the one thing that's been always constant in my life is is things are always changing people are coming and going new things start coming in and you start trying new things but I was thinking today because I happen to speak to a guy who is one of the most influential guys for me to get sober it's a guy from Denver, Colorado this guy Danny and I don't speak to him very much you know my life has become very full and so is his and he's got a family and all this stuff now so we don't get to talk now as much as we used to but I got to talk to him today and I got really thinking about my time sober enough and that was really my first sponsor I had some sponsors in treatment center but as far as someone who was willing to sit down with me and take me through the big book and start working some steps and start talking about this thing called alcoholism. He was the first, and so he had a huge impact on me. You know, Bob was talking about, you know, when you read this book or when you listen tonight, ask yourself, you notice, does he sound like you? Did he drink like you, did he feel like you Well, this guy did. And I'll tell you right now, no one else did. You know what I mean? No one else didn't. I was in a treatment center in Colorado, and me and him sobered up together. We were literally just together trying to get sober, and it was very painful, and I'll get into that and what that looks like for me when I sober up. But we both got sober, and I kept getting drunk, and I kept ending up in the places that I do over and over, and Danny didn't. You know, Danny got hooked up with a guy, and Danny started working some steps and Danny started to change and when I mean change I mean Danny was a guy when I met him straight from you know inner city Chicago so that's you know I mean he had a story behind him there's no doubt about it and a lot of drama and a whole lot and a little bit of other crap too that his illness took him to um so when I saw him I really identified with him me and him really hooked up instantly we started hanging out all the time but the thing was is Danny got better and better I got worse and worse you know and so when there came a time on the morning of May 19th when alcohol finally spit me out for the last time there was a period of time there where I finally went to him and I asked him to help me and again, to this day he's one of the most influential people in my entire life he really is a guy that has touched my heart in ways that I could have never imagined when we were both sober enough together that six years later I could be across the country from him and we're still running around. I mean, literally like never skipped a beat when we were talking, you know, and he's doing the same thing I'm doing out here, and his life has continued to expand, and that's what can happen. You see, this isn't a let's get in here and let's just quit drinking, you see. I'm going to tell you what happens to a guy like me when he just quits drinking. It's not good, you now. This really is about recreating your entire life, you known what I mean? I have no power whether I'm going to drink or not, you see what I mean? So as far as me quitting drinking, I have nothing to do with that, right? But I do have a lot to do with recreating my life and figuring out what do I want to do in this world, you see, and the people that are drawn to me and aren't drawn to me and the places that I feel like I'm drawn to and really getting to get excited about that kind of stuff. That's what this deal is all about. It's not about grinding your teeth quit drinking one day at a time it's just not my experience it's literally about recreating your entire life I mean literally changing from the inside out your whole insides you're the way you see things the way you view things the ways you feel about things the people you interact with I mean everything changes from the inside out though what the problem is is people like me spend a world of trying to change myself out here and try to to organize things out here so that I could finally quit drinking and get better, right? Well, it didn't happen for me. You know, it never happened out here. I would. I remember I was in a treatment center. It's because I hang out with my friends, you know? So what did I do? I went on my phone, me and my counselor. I'll never forget it. And we erased every friend. Every friend. And I was just like, I'm good now. I'm getting sober. You know what I mean? Well, I just fucking drove over there. You know What I Mean? I knew where they lived And that's the whole thing And that is why it is about freedom Because what are you going to do What am I going to hide forever But the thing is Someone mentioned Tucson I moved to Tucson and didn't know a single person What did I do I found people that ran like me That is what I did And when I moved out of Denver I didn't find people like me And if I would have moved out here and not gotten sober, I promise you I would have found people that do what I do. It's no different in sobriety. I literally attract likes. The people that I surround myself with are people that it's the same thing you're going to hear tonight. If Lindsay was to get up here, you're just going to hear a bunch of what I just said. And if Lindsay wasto get up, you'd just hear a bunch of, or if I was to share tonight, just a buncha stuff Lindsay said. And vice versa with a bunch of people in here right now. We attract likes, there's no doubt about it. Sobriety didn't come easy, and I'm going to explain why for me personally. You know, I try to get sober a lot, and I always equated wanting to get sobre with getting sober, and it's not my experience. And you hear this, and me and my buddy Tarek were talking about it today, this idea that, oh, if you want to get sore bad enough, or if you don't want to be sober, if you do want to go sober more than you want that drink, you'll get sober. It's not true, not in my experience, It may be in someone else's. I'm going to explain that tonight. I really wanted to get sober, you know. There was quite a few periods of time. And when I say every time I wanted to quit, that doesn't necessarily mean that deep down within I wanted to quit. There was many times in my life where I quit for her and I quit from my job. Or I quit a place to stay or I quit for some fucking money or I put, you know what I mean? All these things to keep the job. But there was a lot times when no one was around I was all by myself and I said I'll never drink again I'll go back to it I promise and I'd go back to you know and a guy like me you know I'd hear that car you just don't want it bad enough yeah you're right I just don t want it bad enough I guess I need to want it more you know you know I want it and what I come to realize is no amount of want will ever get a guy like me, so I just won't. Contact with a power greater than myself is the only thing that has ever intervened between me and doing what I've always done, and that's pretty much just burning my entire life to the ground, you know what I mean? Building it up a little bit and just torching it, and then building it up and go to treatment, and well, I'm sober now, and go to meetings and I got a job and just fucking torch it all the ground you know and just over and over and again you know and it's it becomes frustrating out if anyone identifies you may identify with that feeling of hopelessness you know there's a line in the big book that is rarely talked about it out here but I used to hear it a lot when I was trying to sober up in Colorado and it sits in I believe it's the last chapter vision for you where it talks about you will be at the jumping-off point where you will know loneliness as few do and you will know hopelessness as few do you know and that's really what happened for a guy like me is I just I would literally just like little by little just like my limbs of hope were just coming off because every time I tried I felt like I was getting it and then I'd fucking get drunk all over again and just torch it and and I was back at square zero just doomed again and it was like how does a guy like me ever get clean how does a guy like me every gets over because I just didn't see it if there's anyone here that has those feelings I identify I get that that feeling that it's just I'm too different I'm to unique I'm too fucked up I'm not enough or whatever but there's just something different about me than people that are getting sober because I went to meetings and I was inspired I saw feel like holy shit like I really believed that guy I believe he was a man like an animal dude and like he's sober and like I want to do that. But I just couldn't, you know what I mean? I just couldn't. There was a lot of inspiring stories that I heard out in Denver. And I just it just never was enough. It just never was the oomph I needed. And so basically, what happened for me is I just bounced around treatment a lot and AA and I was a meeting maker. And go to all kinds of meetings. I literally I'd go to three meetings a day and get drunk afterwards, you know or just walk out of the goddamn meeting there's always tomorrow something that hit me recently I think that that's one of the biggest things that holds guys like me back from ever getting sober everything's tomorrow you know alright my inventory tomorrow I'll meditate tomorrow I pray tomorrow I go to the meeting tomorrow. I'll reach out for help tomorrow. It's always tomorrow, you know what I mean? But the funny thing is, is when I was drinking, it was never tomorrow. It was now. Let's go. We're not waiting until tomorrow. I can't wait till tomorrow. I'm going to lose my mind by tomorrow. We're going now. And that was a big shift for me. Tomorrow started turning into now, you see. And that wasn't something that I couldn't bring about on my own, you know what i mean because trust me i tried i would like try but i just didn't really have it i just shit out you know and i wanted to i just something always just wasn't there um so i try to get sober a lot you know you know i just i have a lot of experience with you know things that would happen in my life and i would be like this is it you know what I mean like definitely not drinking after this one you know I come walking out of a detox and you're just like never going back there you know what I mean? But it's like the last time I go, it's like, I'm coming back. I'm going to be back. You just know it. You just know you're going back. And you just more and more hope. It just keeps going down the toilet, you know, and to the point where you just don't know what to do. You have no clue what to say. What to do? I had an experience. You know, my last drink, I remember I was hanging out with some people in the fellowship and I was at a barbecue an AA barbecue um and this was a very short very very short stint that I had sober um and I Was trying to stay sober on the fellowship and we're hanging out this barbecue and I remember there was no thoughts of drinking everything was fine I was sitting at the barbecue all of a sudden the thought came I need a drink and it was on me like a hound dog you know and I just couldn't escape it you know I ended up leaving and I took a drink and I came to you know six days later and just had torched everything and I was sitting in my apartment it actually wasn't an apartment that's a lie it was just a studio there was there was nothing in it there was no bed there was nothing and looking back it's like god it was terrible But at the time, I really loved it. I really did. I tend to be, at times, a loud drunk. So when you're loud enough, eventually people that you live with just don't like living with you. And they complain a lot. And so I was fed up with that shit. I was done. You ain't going to tell me how to live my life. And you're not going to tells me when I can drink and when I cant. And the bills are going to be late for me every month, just the way it is. I might not pay you at all. That's just the ways it's going to and I do fall asleep in funny places and that's just a way I go to the bathroom in funny place. And that's just how it is and but people don't like that. They really just don't and they get fed up Basically, I decided to get my own place and I loved it. I loved everything about it. I would do whatever I wanted. It sounds kind of weird because it's like I just moved out of my parents' house. I looked at it like that, like I was just moving out of parents' houses even though that was years ago. Literally, I was like, oh, I'm finally on my own. I can do whatever. It is true, I could and I did and it was great, it was awesome, you know what I mean? That apartment, I just loved it, I really did. You know, I went to work, came home, just drank by myself, and I didn't need nobody. You know what I mean? And everyone was gone by this point pretty much, a couple of clingers. That apartment got those out of the way. And essentially what happened is I woke up one morning. I came to, and it's funny because most blackouts, you just don't remember anything, but this one was no different than most of them. But to this day, I do remember more and more stuff has come to as far as what happened in that time. But essentially what happened is I came to that morning, and I was sick, and I was really sick, sick as a dog. And the apartment that I love so much, and the apartment that I just, I did, I just loved everything about it, was a place I literally just couldn't live in. I literally was laying on the ground, and I just hated it. I just hated it, and I looked around at all the shit that was everywhere, and I was just disgusted, and I was sick, and I just didn't want to be there, but I had nowhere to go, you know what I mean? And I was sitting there, and I'll never forget, I remember just drinking. That's just what I do, and I can't stop when I start, and I was just drinking, you know? And all of a sudden, I came to, and I was standing in the middle of this restaurant, and they had a phone that you can use for free and I don't know how I got, obviously I walked there but I don' t remember going there I just instantly came to and I was on the phone with my sister and I remember I don´t know if I was crying or tearing up or what but all I remember saying is please come get me, I´m gonna die and that was the truth and I knew that I remember laying there before I called my sister and I had a moment where it wasn´t a flashback I just had a lot of awareness about the destruction that I had caused in my life and the people in my life, and I had a lot of memories of all the people that, whether it be an AA or my family, of all the people who tried to help me and reached out. And I just never did anything with it. You know, I just couldn't, you know what I mean? I guess they didn't want it bad enough, you know? It's not true. But I did, and the funny thing was is before I, you know, blacked out for that last time, I lay there knowing that I was going to die in that apartment. You know, I was in a condition where I just, I knew I couldn't stop and I knew no one was coming for me, you now. No one knew where I lived. From the time I moved into that place to the time that I walked away from that place, nobody came in my apartment. Nobody. No-one knew where lived, you know? So there was no rescue in Coral this time, you Not that anyone was going to come rescue me, but let's say they wanted to. They weren't going to find me. And another great thing is for some reason, I don't know why, I decided to take my cell phone and I erased every number in it. Literally, I came to and I looked at my phone and there was no numbers. So even if Carl decided to call and get rescued, you know, everyone's got those, please. it wasn't happening because i use my cell phone for everything and when i see lindsey's name i just hit lindsay i have i've known lindsy for five years she's probably my best friend i don't even know lindley's number i didn't know what area code it is so carl's screwed um but and that's the miracle of it how i ended up in that place on the phone with my sister and i knew her number is a miracle. It really is. And then it's a miracle that my sister said, okay I'll leave work and I'll come and get you because I had done the same thing two weeks prior to I was in a place where I needed to get out and they gave me one phone call and I was like oh my sister of course nope so she didn't come and give me but for some reason on this day she did and it was a miracle, it really was I had no idea that was going to be my sobriety day, I had No Idea um i'd wanted i wanted to be sober so many more times worse than that day i did there was times i wanted it so bad i'd fucking i'd steal from you i'd still everything you had to stay sober you know what i mean literally i'd kiss your feet there's times i want to stay silver so bad but i lost so much hope that there was just like it's not gonna happen i know how to sober up I don't know how to get sober. I don' t know how to stay sober, but I know how to sober up and when you come off a real bad bender like that, in my experience, sometimes it even helps a little bit because you're just beat up really bad and the fire is hot and the coals are fucking steaming, you know what I mean? And that's how it was and I wanted to stay sober, you know, I just knew it wasn't going to happen, you know. And then I had the opportunity to come out here to Denver or to Georgia to go to treatment again you know and I decided to take that route because I'm not an idiot it was either literally homeless shelter because I had torched everything the apartment was long was definitely gone I just hadn't come the first of the month yet and it was it was just it was one of those things where it's like why not go to Georgia I have absolutely nothing here the jobs gone the cars gone the money's gone the girl that was long gone is definitely gone now the family's gone you know my folks lived in 800 miles away in Tucson he's just what did I had nothing I mean it was just like fuck it let's go to Georgia you know how could it possibly worse than here until I get here and I got here I got here in June about six and you know and I'll never forget walking out of that that airport and the doors opening up and just like hell I've never experienced humidity in my entire life ever been to the beach never been to the ocean I have been to ocean but never humidity and it was brutal it really was and I'll never forget it. I'll never, ever, ever stay another summer here. Ever. And it's like six years later, here I am. And yeah, I went to treatment like I always do. I know how to do the dance. I know How To Do It Well. But the problem is when I get sober it gets really painful for a guy like me. It really does. I get sober and like I said, you know, those first few days are brutal. There's no doubt about it. The physical stuff that we have to go through, the mental stuff that we have To go through that first little while just it just sucks. You know what I mean? There's No doubt about It. So you would think that it would get better after that, right? Yeah. Well for some and for many it does. There is no doubt about it if they can get through that part their whole life is ahead of them and everything's right um but for a guy like me it's almost just the start of the pain it really is it it's almost like it gives you the illusion that it's getting better because you're sleeping and you're eating and you know what i mean you you almost like start to get a normal sleeping schedule and that kind of stuff and then it just starts to kick in little by little um just constantly irritated um self-pity galore i'm just fear all the time tension anxiety it just gets worse and worse and worse and it builds and it build and this is what happens every time i get sober this isn't like oh it's the first time what's going on every time I get sober and that's the thing and that' the funny you know it's like Carl you need to get sober it's why would I want to do that fucking miserable you know what i mean but at the time it seems better than drinking right but then when i get sober and it gets bad enough all of a sudden drinking seems better right and so it's like this constant fluctuation um it's a vicious cycle many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death um most pursue it in the into the Gates of Insanity or Death there's no doubt about that um and uh you know I'm sitting in this treatment center and I hate everybody I fucking hate the treatment center counselor she's this wretched woman literally I'll never forget her she would just scream at me because I was a little I remember hearing it once and a guy was talking about the worst kind of person in AA is a smart aleck slipper really just a smart alec who's just a slipper just in and out in and out but as a smart ally i believe it to this day those are the worst kind of people in area just the people and i the funny thing is i really love them because i identify so much but they are the biggest pain in my ass every time just the smart alecs yeah i know i know you know what i mean but they can't stay sober to save their life and that was me and this chick this lady was not having it she would just scream at me all day every day I would go to sleep with her voice literally all the time and basically what happened is one night I had an experience where I feel like years of pain and suffering all hit me all at once, and I was sitting at this apartment. Actually, you know, I didn't have really much money to come out here and do the normal treatment center that they suggest, and so what I did is I stayed on the couch, or no, I stayed in this room with these three other guys. Three guys in one room is phenomenal. Trying to sober up, and And this guy let me stay there, the guy, nicest guy ever, you know, just a really, really great guy. And he let me say there and and I was sitting in that apartment. I'll never forget it. And just everything hit me and I just wanted to die. I just I literally there was no hope for me. I could not stand another day with her in that room. I couldn't stand another way. I just want to grab a bottle. and I remember thinking, I'd just go out into the woods and drink myself and just hope the spiders kill me. Or something just kills me. Literally, just please, just don't let me come to you, please. And that's the funny thing. That's how delusional we can get. That we can literally get to the point where we actually believe that we want to die. We can actually believe something that goes completely against the instincts that we are actually given. Everyone is given with this instinct to live, to survive. And we can get so delusional that we actually believe it. Lie detector belief. Yes, I want to die. That's how delusinal we get. It's not true. I didn't really want to die. It's possible. It's impossible. But we can get such a delusion that we believe that. And people will get so delusitional that they believe it without a matter of a fact and so they kill themselves and then there's the next life or whatever happens after that but as far as this goes at the gigs up you know what I mean and and it was just a painful night and I don't know what happened on that day but something happened inside of me and I didn't know it at the time it's it's straight out of the big book it was gradual you know but something did it shifted on that day, and I just remember the next few weeks were, I don't remember much about it, but something happened inside of me in which I became willing to do whatever it took to stay sober. It sparked a willingness that I had been trying to bring about in my life for a long time, a willingness that people had been Trying to scare me into Carl, you're gonna die, Carl, and you're going to die you know if you don't get sober you're out of here blah blah blah you know like literally trying you know and i don't say it in a bad way they were they meant well but it's never going to produce that in me not this guy you know it's just not going to happen um but on that day it did and i'm telling you it wasn't nothing happened and never i thought there was going to be like gunshots and like whiskey bottles and hookers and like just great it was just pain and sobriety and hot and Georgia. That's it. It was really like nothing, not cool at all, you know, but it ended up being one of the biggest shifts in my entire life. It really was, um, and then there was another shift that I want to share tonight that it literally changed my life forever. It really did. Um, I was sitting there. I believe identification is absolutely essential for recovery. There's no doubt about it. I talked about it with my buddy Danny to this day I really identify with that guy but this it takes the cake I identified more with this next thing than anything else and it was a conversation that a guy was sharing that he was having with his sponsor and it went like this the guy was Sharon and he said as long as you think that your problem is alcohol you're doomed to die drunk and I remember sitting there thinking well of course my problems alcohol you know but at the same time I'd also heard the treatment center crap like of course your problem is not alcohol to you you know and so it's like that it's like a mixture of it's you and you haven't seen me drink because if you saw me drink you'd know my problems out and he said if your problems alcohol you quit drinking and your life just gets better and all is well, right? And I remember thinking like, I've tried that a million times. You know what I mean? Like, I tried to quit a million times. Two days, 10 days, 30 days, I'm done it. My life does not get better, you know? And then the guy went on to say, well, that's because your problem's not alcohol. Your problem is something called alcoholism. And just like this guy was saying, it was one of those things where it's like alcohol alcohol yeah I get it you know what I mean and he said no no you don't you don' get it says what you don understand and you'll figure this out one day or the other that this thing called alcoholism this mind-consuming this perception distorting bodily eroding thing called alcoholism you will find that just quitting drinking will have no long-term effect on your life other than to gradually make it so painful you can't stand it and I never forget it in my whole life I've never heard it since by anybody else no one's ever I mean they said things similar to it and it changed my whole wife I'll never forget is the first time in my whole life after years of being in and out years treatment centers and detoxes and literally never identifying with anybody on a real level than that day. And I'll never forget it. And I remember where I was sitting. I remember who said it. It's like I heard it yesterday. It was that powerful for me because I was the guy that constantly tried to just quit, and it would get so painful I couldn't stand it. And so what do I do? For me, I always get suicidal usually, and then for whatever reason I'm taken back to the dream every time and it's just this vicious cycle and on that day I knew that was me I knew it with everything in me from that day to this day I've known deep down within that I was an alcoholic and that's what it takes it takes identification for us to come to terms with that but until those terms are met you're doomed there's no hope not in my experience there's just no hope and I say that in retrospect because my whole life changed on that day I have not been the same person since I heard that along with the willingness that came on that day my whole my whole life changed forever and I haven't been the sane person and basically what happened is my buddy Danny ended up taking me through the steps over the phone because I didn't know anyone out here that I was willing to work with you know I'm sure there's many people But no one called my name like him. I saw that guy, I heard that guy and it was one of those things where I wanted to be like that guy because he was different, he was changed. I knew it because I saw him come in and I knew he was a different guy and he was very clear on how that came about. He went through the 12 steps and a power greater than himself completely changed his life and I believed him and that's why I asked him. It was a hard thing to do to go to a man and say please help me and really mean it, you know. It was tough, but I did, and my life has been amazing ever since. It really has. It hasn't been easy, but it really has been a lot of fun. It's been amazing. You know, sobriety, it's an interesting thing, and when you get sober and you work some steps and your whole life changes, what happens really is it starts to change, like I was saying, from the inside out. know it really does and that's what happened to me on that day nothing changed on that as far as my externals I was still in this god-awful heat that fucking bitch was still my fucking counselor you know still around the same people I still lived in a bedroom with three guys you know I made like but something changed like my vision or my I got a new pair of glasses whatever you want to call it it really did it change and all of a sudden I really started to like that woman you know and I didn't mind living where I I was living, and the heat wasn't so bad. You see what I'm saying? Like my whole life, it just changed. It just did. And it's almost hard to explain. It's almost like describing what it's like for me to take whiskey. I mean, it's just such a powerful experience. It's hard to put into words. It really is the experience that really, you know what I mean? Has really any kind of depth and weight for me. So I've had the opportunity to do all kinds of stuff. And the people in my life, it's, it' s just amazing. It really i s. and it's I find myself wondering how does that happen how does a guy like me you know who thought he was so hopeless bring this about and that's it's almost a question that can't be answered you know but it's a fact you know what I mean and the funny thing is I'm no different than anybody else and what I have you can have very very similar things You're going to have your experience, which essentially is going to be different than mine. But as far as a shift internally, it will happen. It's just the facts. That's what happens. The hard part is to get to a spot where it produces a willingness that will thrust us into something. Because that's the thing. I come in here and I get thrusted, but then I crap out. I've got to experience something. And that something for me happened in that apartment that night. and it'll happen for you somewhere else but it will happen there's no doubt about it like i said i'm not unique i'm Not special it's just it's something that just happens as a result of working some steps it really will change your whole life the instructions in the big book are very clear you know I don't I don' t know it's clear-cut this is alcoholism right this is alcoholism when a guy like me puts alcohol into his body he loses control over the amount he's gonna take right what does that look like well I'm gonna go have a few drinks and I go have ten drinks I'm going to go get drunk tonight and I get really drunk tonight I'm go get really really drunk and I get really-really-really drunk I don't know what's gonna happen when a guy like takes a drink right I could end up in my room I could end up in Mexico. I have no idea what's gonna happen. True story. I don't know, you know, for whatever reason when I put alcohol inside my body, alcohol becomes paramount to all other interests. I dont care if it's a job, I don t care if my family is visiting me 800 miles away and wants to have dinner with me, I don't care if my sister and I have plans, I dont' care if the girl of my dreams just waiting for me naked at the house whatever reason if I take a drink there's a good chance I'm not going to be at any one of those things but the funny thing is is when my parents called me and said hey we would really like to have dinner with you because we don't get to see you because we live 800 miles away my intention I'm definitely gonna be there I would love to see my parents right and for some reason I come to four days later and I I didn't make the trip, right? Didn't make to dinner, but I had every intention, right. That's because when I put alcohol in my body, the next drink becomes paramount to all other interests. Even the ones you love, even if rent's due, even if she's gonna leave you, that's my experience. And then once alcohol finally spits me out, whether it's the next day or seven days later and Carl says he's not gonna drink again For some reason, no matter what, my mind will always take me back to a drink. No matter what. Lie detector, I promise I won't. Slip my wrist, I'll promise, you name it. Whatever reason, my brain will always be there for me. My mind, no mater what, will convince me to take a drink, right? And it looks ad infinitum ways, you know what I mean? It could be me driving down the road and, you now, I'm sober. Dude, I am done with that life, you knoow. I'm sober and all of a sudden I do look over and I see a guy drinking a beer and it's just like, is that a Budweiser? I think that's a tall boy. I think Budweisers got new bottles. Is that a new can? It's a new logo. Man, sounds pretty good. And the next thing I know, I'm drunk. And that's how it works. No matter what, my experience has always taken me back to a drink. Tears of sincerity, physical, just can't take another drink. I promise I'll never do it again. And no matter what whether it be two days or two hours or two months eventually I always eventually drink again. Always. It's just my experience. and then once i'm sober or when i'm really drunk for some reason this thing called the spiritual malady or our you know the step likes to call it the unmanageability right starts to creep into my life and i start to come unglued you know and i say drunk or sober because i notice it most when i'm sober but there are many times when i get really drunk and you turn you know that's why we do like drunken dialing because all of a sudden it starts to creep back in and I can't stand it and all this fear and anxiety starts to come back in and I get suicidal and then I start to think I'm crazy and it's like oh I need meds Maybe I need sleeping medications, maybe I need antidepressants, maybe this, maybe that. And basically what happens is eventually I take a drink because when I take a drink all that shit goes away for a time. One of the things that I've really come to realize and that I used to love talking about when I sobered up is all the things that alcohol took me to and all these places that I went to and the places and the drama that I did. that I did but the funny thing is is the real miracle for the alcoholic at least the real Miracle actually happens in the first few drinks that like in my experience the second to like the fifth is really where the magic comes in I mean literally it cures all the anxiety that I've been suffering from for the day all the depression all the feelings of inadequacy all the what am I gonna do I mean, I'm fucked, you know what I mean? I'm good. You know? I don't care about rent. I don' t care about her and I don''t care that I'm about to lose my job and those first few drinks and it's just incredible and it''s life altering literally sticking your hand in a light socket. It''s electric. And that''s what happens when a guy like me takes a drink and that'' s essentially why I keep going back to it for that effect because it'' s that powerful. the funny thing is is it's not that powerful for everybody you see that's what deciphers us from normal people that's one of the main things that deciphors us from normal people my father drinks every day no matter what drinks every single day three or four five six seven i don't know how many beers he's not an alcoholic and i can tell you right now the effect that is produced for him when he takes a few drinks is not the same effect that produces for me you know i mean i literally have the ability and I've done it before to grab that bottle take it back and just literally just I mean it's that good you know what I mean the whole world is off my shoulders I can live in this world I can talk to anybody all of a sudden a guy quiet shy guy isn't overly talkative but he can talk a little bit better you know I mean and all of the sudden the guy who can't talk to women at all can talk them a lot better than he could you know and all the you know the confidence and and all of a sudden I feel like I know what to say and things like that. It's all good, you know? But that's what we're up against. That's the fatal illness. What I just described is the thing that literally took a guy like me who at one point, I mean, had a good job, knew people literally all over the world, literally, because I moved around so much. I just happened to meet a lot of people, and I don't say that to brag at all. I knew a lot if people. I could go anywhere, you know what I mean, and get anything I wanted to a guy that had burned every relationship to the ground, every job he's ever had, everything behind this illness. You know what i mean? That's why I did that. I don' t do it because I'm a bad guy. I don''t do that because I''m antisocial. You know wat I mean? I do that because I suffer from an illness called alcoholism. And I didn't know that. I had no idea what was going on. And it was important for a guy like me to finally connect the dots, to finally realize why he was doing the things that he was doing, why I continued to do the things that I did when I said I wouldn't, all the things that I just described. The big book does a great job of describing that. The problem is a guy like me tends to take the big book and think that it's something that's supposed to be studied or remembered, but it's really not. It's a book written by 100 guys who it's their first 100s combined experience, right? And so I need to figure out if that's my experience because I need To figure out If I belong here, right. Because just because I come to AA doesn't necessarily mean that I belong Here. If you come to AA, you probably have something wrong with you. But it may not be alcoholism. And you may die in the process of doing this when you're really not dealing with the problem. You see? Because people would tell me, of course you're an alcoholic, Carl. Of course you'RE an addict. I happen to be, but what if I wasn't? What if it was something else that I was suffering from? And here I am dealing with alcoholism when it wasn't even my problem in the first place. Right? So it's essential that we all find out what's wrong with us if we're to ever get the help that we need. Alcoholics Anonymous is not the help-all, be-all. It's not. It never was intended to. It's intended to help alcoholics. That's it. Nobody else. You know? I see so many people, they come and they get sicker and sicker because they're not dealing with a problem, you know? And I'm guilty of it, trying to help everybody. Oh, I can help everybody, it's not true. I can't help a lot of people. I can best help alcoholics, and I know that about myself. My life's amazing today, there's no doubt about it. I could have never imagined that you could take a guy like me and he could have, coming up in May, six years sober. And I just, I never fathomed it. I never fattened a guy like me could find a career. I mean, I literally, when I sobered up, I believed with everything in me, whether I told you this or not, this is the God's honest truth, that I was a piece of shit and I would never amount to nothing. And that's what I believed my whole life. I was never a guy who was a hard worker and that knew, oh, I'm going to be a fireman my whole wife, you know? It's like whatever movie I watched that week, that's where I want to be. and it's like, yeah, Rambo, yeah. How do I be that? Two weeks later, it's like, I'm going to be a painter. One of the things that this process will do is it will open up your spirit. It literally will. The big book talks about it, that you have entered the world of the Spirit, and you will begin to live in this world called spirit world um consciously i believe that we're always living in spirit world we're just so sound asleep till we have no idea what's going on but you will finally wake up to that world called the spirit world you can call it whatever you want god's world jesus world whatever um big book calls his spirit world and what will happen is you will start to effectively move through this world um and how do you do that well one of the things that has been very vital for me is the 11th step, prayer and meditation. If you're wondering how I found my trade that I'm in now, it was through the 11st step. If You're wondering how I found the home group that I am at right now, its through prayer and mediation. If You're Wondering how the people that I have in my life, prayer meditation. How do I sponsor people i work a lot with prayer and meditation and i have the spirit guide me you know i mean really i mean little you can live a world live a life where you're completely guided by spirit there's no doubt about it um and you can effectively move in this world and uh not always be in constant collision with people um you can Live in this World and not be resentful everybody you know you can live in this world and go to work and not fight with people and argue and constantly bicker I mean literally you can literally live in that world a world that was I had no idea existed you know I had no idea but it does exist and the first nine steps really opened me up to that it was just a glimpse at first but those glimpses turned into longer and longer you know and it's this constant balancing act you know what I mean of really trying to live a life completely dependent on spirit and to have him move me rather than trying to constantly move myself it's not easy there's no doubt about it it's and the reason it's because I come here with so many belief systems and so much programming that it literally goes completely against that I mean, I think about just one guy alone, a guy named Tim that I grew up with. He programmed me with more belief systems than anyone I've ever met. I mean everything that he taught me my entire life goes completely against everything that's in the big book. So I live constantly trying to be a guy like that without even really knowing it consciously because I'm just so used to doing it. to all of a sudden sitting in the silent and asking God to direct me, you know, and to guide me. And right before I sit down and work with a guy, I'll work with him. Prayer, Spirit, please guide me on what's the most effective approach for this guy. You know, I constantly try to work with Spirit. What do we do? You know what I mean? What's the best approach? You can't sponsor everybody the same way. It's not possible. It's not effective in my experience, so I work with spirit to help guide me through that. I can't approach everybody the same way. People are different. People react certain ways to certain things. How do you effectively approach everybody? How can I effectively help as many people as possible? How can i effectively live a world that i'm free of resentment? You know, how do I effectively live and be in a relationship with a girl? How do you do that? I don't know. I have no clue. So I work a lot with prayer and meditation to bring that about. It's a big part of my life. It really is. I went a period of time in sobriety without meditation, and I've gone a period OF TIME with it, and it's very different, very different. I was under the illusion that prayer and meditation were the same thing. That may be true for you, it is not true for me. I believe that they're two completely different practices. Very intertwined, but at the same time very different practices, and both of them will transform your entire life. They really will. If you will continue to meditate on a daily basis, there's no doubt about it, your life will change dramatically. No doubt about It. It's my experience. It's the experience of anyone that I know that meditates on a daily basis, that works with prayer on a day-to-day basis, that works with the things in the 11th step. Everything in there is incredible. All the stuff in the morning and the night, it's all good. Like I said, I'm coming up on six years and it's just been a ride of my whole life. I couldn't imagine it the way that it is. it has continued to get better and better no doubt about it um it's not just a saying that gets better it does get better if you do a whole lot of work it really does it'll get so much better um i can honestly say that my life is better than it's ever been i'm more effective at my job than i've ever been in my entire life um i have people in my life that are better than ever. There's no doubt about it. The fellowship that I've created and that we've created together is better than it's ever been. No doubt about it. My home group is more effective today than any home group I've ever been a part of, and I've been a part of some phenomenal home groups, you know. My life is incredible, you know. I can honestly say when I look at myself in the mirror today, I don't think I'm a piece of shit, you know i don't think that i'm a nobody and i'm an amount to nothing you know because that's honestly the constant voices that went inside my head for a long time even in sobriety you know it's not like you put the booze down and those voices go away those voices actually get louder because there's no fucking booze to treat it you know they go from whispers to screams to goddamn megaphone and I can't live in this world with those voices with that mind I just can't I got to get free of it you know I do I have to recover first and foremost that state of mind that always took me back must be removed right and then I finally got I saw finally start to get to wrestle with the voices right and really start to work with the Creator and started to work through that, and I start to wake up to that I'm a pretty good guy, you know. I don't say that with any kind of cockiness, that everyone in here is a pretty Good Guy and a pretty good gal, you now. It's easy for me to see it in you, and i can tell you all day that you're an amazing person, but until us the individuals begin to wake up to, that there's really nothing. You know what I mean? it feels good, and it feels good for a minute, but there always comes the time when you've got to look at yourself in the mirror, and there always comes the time where you've gotta go to bed all by yourself, and she's not there, and they're not there. How's the relationship with you? That's been one of the biggest battles of all, there's no doubt about it, and I can say that relationship is better than ever. And it has been through constant work in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. I believe going through the steps on an annual basis, whether that's twice a year, three times a year I don't care, once a year regular going through the steps I believe is the most effective way to live in this world for me personally so that's what I do and as a result of that I've been led to all kinds of different stuff amazing people an amazing girlfriend amazing family an amazing life I mean literally I mean I could have never imagined it never but I've been changed that's the thing and hopefully you hear this tonight, I didn't bring that about on my own. I didn' t do it. God did. I worked some steps and God came out through me and changed my whole life. Literally. That's how it happens. And I hope you know it's available to you. No doubt about it. It's open to anybody. I don't care where you are. I don' t care what you've done or what you haven' t done or what we've seen or what they haven't seen. This thing is available. This thing that's deep down within you right now whether you believe me or not, this thing called spirit is deep down within you. You can try to deny it. You can act like it's not there. That's fine. You'll die with it, and then you'll wake up to it. But it is possible to wake upto it in this world. I know that I have. I know a lot of people that have. And please know you're no different. That's all I got. Thank you. Thank you very much.