Step 11 and the Running Commentary of Self-Obsessed Fear – Sandy B.

Thank you. Thank you. As we share what we have to share, there's a funny kind of transformation. Before, we're obsessed with results. We're obsessed with observable change, where we're more efficient or more courageous or got it together, more charming, prettier or something. And instead of the observable results being different, it's just a greater solidarity with other people that just gives a solace to the heart. And we don't even change sometimes. We don't change the way we thought we'd change. We kind of keep some hang-up or confess your hang-up. You have a fear. You can't stand to go to the podium and finally say, I'll do anything. I won't go to that meeting because they have a podium. And I won't do this because I might have to stand up and say something. You say, ah, I got it off my chest. I was honest. You still feel that way. But you may be able to do it and be nervous and be afraid of it and find out you lived. And then never, I have a little sister who's sober longer than I am in fellowship. And she'll be 20 years sober next July. My little sister. And she's afraid of the podium. She's afraid of the podium. her brother being this maniac talker. She told a short version of her story for the first time, a nine-minute version when she dug her sixth birthday cake. And she's honest about that thing, but she's got this thing still kind of inhibition. So that, the way it goes. Again, just to sketch out this picture of the transformation still. I guess underline, it's not just a matter of confessing, but finally telling them. It's sharing in the atmosphere of our fellowship and program. That's what's healing. And again, they say, well, that'd be, yeah, it's nice. Confession's good for the soul and, you know, be honest. That's kind of nice. Well, it's not just kind of nice. It's life saving. You see, when we're living in our disease, we're in pain. And we're in pain. There's two levels of pain. Two that I distinguish. The deep level and the surface level. On the surface level is not trivial pain. Serious stuff on the surface. Broken bones, divorces, public humiliation, death of loved ones, fatal diseases, on and on. You say, are you calling it the surface? Yeah, it's pain that you know where it's coming from. And it's awful. But there it is. Then there's pain that's kind of dull and deep. And I call that the oceanic ache. That's the pain that goes along with this illness. It's a pain that's caused by the inability, the inability to be honest. The inability to be honest in an atmosphere of acceptance and trust. The inability to speak our heart so that we can be healed, so that we can be comforted. And every human being has a deep need to say what's inside and have someone else hear it and look back at us. We need to have that done. We need to have that done. We yearn to have that done. If we don't get to do that, we are in isolation. We're in anguish because there's no connection and there's no felt understanding and love. We cannot believe we're loved if the one who supposedly loves us doesn't know our story. They just love an image. They wouldn't love me if they knew. No. No way. That's by the way the core beliefs of the addict. Read about the sexual compulsive behavior in Out of the Shadows, a book by Patrick Carnes. And he talks about the core beliefs of an addict. That the inside, and it works for, they're pretty loud outside too. The, that the core beliefs, he said, there's four core beliefs and only one of the beliefs has to do with a particular addiction. The first is, basically I'm no good. Second, if they knew the truth, they'd reject me. They'd never accept me. Third, if I have to wait around for their, for them to help me fulfill my needs, I'd wait forever. I got to take care of things myself. Fourth, control. Control is my most important need. Sex is my most important need. Being sexually attractive is the core of my most important need. A drink is my most important need. A pill is. That will take care, that will give solace. We need solace. We need love. We need to be connected as children of God with one another. We just yearn for that. And I've got to have it. And when it's blocked off, we are, we're at an ache. I call the oceanic ache. It's that dull pain. And that's the kind of pain that puts us in jeopardy of drinking again, of acting again. With that pain, you add one of those surface pains, the death of a spouse, the real setback, you lose your job. And if it's combined with the oceanic ache, we're gone. We'll do something. We'll do something crazy. And when we get in the program, that oceanic ache begins to drain away. We still have all the troubles of life. But it begins to drain away so that once we're really working our surrender and self-acceptance and a faith leads us to start telling the truth in this kind of way that the middle steps lead us to do, and that ache begins to drain away, then all of those surface pains in life, change the way they affect us. And we've experienced this already. If somebody dies, and you have the oceanic ache, you have a drink because, God, they died. Once we're in the program, and that drains away, if somebody dies, you love. I've got enough grief and trouble without drinking besides. It sharpens the motivation to be sober. It increases our gratitude. And all down the line, I lose your job, but I lost my job. I don't have much money. It's insecure. I'm sure I'm not going to drink besides that and make it worse. So everything is turned. Once that, our heart has the solace. It is working the middle steps that does that. Working the middle steps that connects us up with God and other human beings so that we have this flow the flow of recognition, love, understanding, acceptance. And once that's flowing and going on, we become very tough. You know, we're fragile in our own way. But once that's going on, nobody can take it away from you. Nobody can get you drunk, and nobody can get you to panic and live in control again. They just can't. They just can't. Because the more pressure brought to bear once the program is in place, the more motivation to work the program. It locks in. So we begin to do this stuff. You know, it occurred to me the other day, I love paradoxes, you probably are noticing. Someone was extolling honesty. I think I might have mentioned this at the opening night here. But I, you know, when we actually practice honesty, it doesn't feel, it's not a smooth deal, you know. We still have our fear affecting us. And we're not so sure about this. And there's a certain amount, there's a certain despair and sense of failure. Even a sense of death in being honest. Because as we get honest, the old self dies. The old image bites the dust. You can't keep up the old front when you're talking against the old front. You know, start, oh my God, but it makes us feel disoriented, you know. What'll I do with my, I get the new image, you know. And as we try it out and tell the truth, of course we, the instant the connection's made, oh, then the anguish is over about losing our image and that kind of thing. The other thing about the way the fourth and fifth step is constructed, it'll sound, when we still have some fear affecting the way we read and understand. And we read the, made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. Admit it to God, ourselves, and another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. Okay. If you hear it in that tone of voice, it seems like this is gonna be kind of a guilty kind of trip here. And it seems, and there's a, there's a, kind of the vibrations of blame going on there. And we're gonna have to write down everything that's our fault. What's your fault? What do you deserve blame for? And if you start doing an inventory with the attitude that I've gotta write down the things I deserve blame for, and sometimes it'll stop you in your tracks. It's very depressing to write down things you deserve blame for. And then you could, cause we're, when we're in fear, that's a fear word. Blame. And when we're in fear, we do one of two things with stuff that could be in our inventory. We either justify ourselves, make a case, make a little defense attorney before God. Well, it wasn't really so bad. I mean, if you had a, if your parents were like my parents, you probably would have done worse. Uh, and it's a free country. I mean, it's not against the law, after all. Free, consenting adults. Um, this, uh, we'll make a case, okay. And then if we're not making a case for ourselves when we're in fear, we will go over to the other side and, and just have utter contempt for ourselves. Just say, you lowlife. You are just disgusting. I mean, not only are you immoral, you're immoral in bad taste. Um, there's no, uh, no hope for you. And you, you know, you go into a self-disgusting. That, all of that stuff is the way, is an attitude of fear. And when we take the, when we start doing our inventory and writing down resentment, we're not, when we write down our resentment, we're not writing down stuff we deserve blame for. There's no one around blaming us. We write down stuff that we need healing for. That we need liberation about. We write down stuff where it hurts, where we have hurt them and we have hurt ourselves by hurting, and where we need some healing. Nobody's after us. And we have a higher power who loves us and treasures us. And when we have contempt for ourselves, that interferes with our relationship with God because it's not in harmony with our higher power's attitude. Higher power has compassion and acceptance in the same way any decent member of the fellowship has when you're talking to them. If you're pouring out what's inside of you, you don't have to be the world champion, Al-Ilan, or AA member. All they have to do is just a regular attending the meetings person. And with full of their own fears and freak out feelings and so forth. And if you start telling them what's on your mind, they're vastly relieved. You're not as good as they thought. Because now they're probably going to be able to be honest with you. They receive you with, no, you did what? You know, this... Well, you know, has anyone ever in a participation meeting, someone got up and talked about abandoning their family in the Midwest and fleeing out here? Say, well, you know, there's consequences of that. I'm afraid we'll have to whip you. Have to... Every member of the group gets five lashes. To pay the price. You know, that's not our business. That's not... It's... On the other hand, the group doesn't pat somebody on the head and say, oh, poor baby. They probably were too demanding on you anyway. Glad you could... No, there's a... There's a respect for a person. It looks like you got some... Some amends to make and some healing to go through. And we're gonna stand by you while you do what's gotta be done for healing. And once... You see, it's that attitude. There's no reason to be defensive and make excuses. And there's no reason to despise yourself. Either one. Fear is the whole foundation of excuses and self-contempt. And once we get into the spirit of the program, it's putting down what we... What we have to say because we need healing there. And when we... What we take responsibility. You know, when it's... Uh... Uh... When somebody hurt us, you know, the big book says, we don't dwell on the other person's inventory, what they've done wrong. If people have done wrong to you, there's never any reason to pretend they didn't. The other person, and judge them with rejecting judgment, which doesn't hurt anybody. Which doesn't help anybody. But to acknowledge... That's a lot of the healing in ACA. Is to get it straight. Uh... What happened and how I had a need to pretend I wasn't hurt in order to survive at the time. We get that straightened out. But we... If we're working the program and the steps, we'll keep moving ahead. And if we acknowledge that, we acknowledge our part. And you say, what do you mean our part? When you're a little kid, you know, you're gonna blame yourself for being negative after they beat you up. You're gonna blame yourself for being an iceberg and distant after you were sexually abused. You know, why do that? It's their fault. Fear. That's fear talking. There's no healing going on there. I have a little list of things. You see, the thing is, when we write down our inventory, our part in the transaction, we're not writing down what we deserve blame for. There's no deserved blame left. There's only a searching for healing and integral that we cannot be healed unless we take responsibility for our lives. We own our own feelings and own what we do. And kind of stand up with the trust that we're accepted in this group by God and other people. And people will help us walk through and get free of the ways we've handled things. For example, it can be something that isn't a sin or at all. If you, if, well, you're abused. You were the one they hurt. What did you put in your inventory? Well, acknowledge you've been hurt as best you can. And you're not the one they hurt. But it's great. But then acknowledging your own part. We might say, I acknowledge that I burdened others with the obligation of making me happy. I just decided that they had to treat me right or I would never be happy and it's their fault. Nobody can make us happy. One of the ways we can tell we've assigned someone else the job of making us happy is when we're very, very happy with the fact that we're happy. We're very deeply disappointed or resentful of the other person. We're holding it against them. God damn it. That person hurts you. That isn't funny. But you acknowledge you're hurt and reach, okay, what does a person do after they're hurt that way? Well, they have to acknowledge it. Maybe they have to even tell the person. But we don't have to get them to apologize or change. And we don't have to roll back history and have it not happen. The program says, nobody can stop you from working your program and having a life. Nobody. And we don't have to have rejecting judgment on anyone else. And we're not in the business of getting blameworthy stuff for ourselves. But to say, yeah, I... I'll come back to that. I'll combine this too. I kind of made a distinction. Maybe they can emerge. But the number two was, we acknowledge that we mess back when they mess with us. You say, well, why should I even mention that? That's so little. You know. I mean, the way I was treated, I hardly blame anybody for being distant and negative. Nobody's blaming. But if you are distant and negative as a way of coping with that, and avoiding hurt, you have hurt yourself a lot. And you're in the habit of hurting yourself a lot. And if you can say that's what you're doing, you're one step closer to being set free from that behavior. It's nothing to do with blaming you. That's the way an inventory heals. Also good to acknowledge resentments we have. I've been feeling resentful and angry and feeling annoyed against God. I found out that I resented God for two reasons. I resented Him for not making me turn out better. And I resented Him for not giving me a bigger payoff for my compliance. You know. I went to the seminary early and I was a good boy. Now, you know, make me good and make me a reward. You know, it's a self-centered kind of attitude. Nobody's blaming me and putting me down for being kind of mad at God for not making me turn out better. That's what happens if you get a basic misunderstanding about what the deal is with God, you know. I thought the deal was. You know, that I'd get over everything and finally be all right and have everybody look up to me forever. You can see how this is a it's the very heart of this is transformation. The woman, very touching to me, this story of a gal who heard this in a pitch, 10-minute pitch. She gave it a convention. I don't remember the long pitch at all. But her sharing really knocked me out. And in this very brief sharing, she talked about getting sober and then once she got a little stabilized and started getting in the program, talking to a sponsor, she talked about her, the way she resented her father. She said, my father was so bad. He was so cruel and abused me so much that no way, I mean, me, dropped. He's a bastard. And this sponsor said, ask God to help you let it go. And she wouldn't even cooperate with that for a little while. And finally, with the negative feelings, well, okay, I'll give it a shot. So she said, okay, I'll let go of the resentment. And it didn't go. Stuck. Then, she said, well, I guess you're going to have to pray for him. Pray for him? So the big book suggests we pray for somebody. So she prayed for him. The resentment stayed. Pray for him as you would a sick friend. Prayed, still resented him. The sponsor said, okay, after a few more months of that, you'll have to escalate this to the next stage. Now, what is that? You're going to have to treat him decently. No, no, not that. Uh, the, he lived in the same town still. And he was in contact with the family. And she had seen him once in a while. Couldn't avoid it. She saw everybody else. She said, you don't have to pretend you like him. You don't have to just treat him decently. Don't put out negative stuff. If you find it very difficult, but at least be civil and do things decent to him. She'd already done her part. I think she said to him that, you know, she was hurt and that it didn't work. You know, I mean, he didn't respond very well. Okay. So she went on the, okay, under the heading of treating him decently meant sending him a birthday card, Christmas card, and saying hello when she met him. So she did that for about four years and felt a resentment. He finally got sick and went to the hospital for some surgery or other. And he was in the hospital and she said, well, under the heading of treating him decently, I guess that means I have to go by with a card or a flower or something. And so she went by and did her duty, walked in, put the thing down, said hello, hope it get better. Without much feeling, and went down and she said she was getting into her car and realized the resentment was gone. She was in touch with his humanity at last and was no longer under the oppression of his humanity. Of his own illness. Her father was sick and couldn't love and lashed out in ways that were awful. But she was set free from his illness by working this program. It's not that we let people off the hook and mollify and say, oh, it wasn't so bad. Nothing to do with that. It's cooperating with God to set us free from other people's emotional darkness. It's a combination of our lives by keeping us negative. You see how different this is? This is prayerful. This is honest. This requires an atmosphere in which we are given assurance that we're not blamed and rejected. And that it's not, it isn't even to our interest to find out we're innocent. You know? You don't get any points for being innocent. You don't get any points for saving God the trouble of healing you. You don't get any. It's just a matter of getting to the truth. Getting to what in us is causing us to snuff out life. What in us is is walling me off from being in touch with the humanity of somebody. What in me is preventing me what in me and my attitude and things I'm memories and things I'm holding makes me still vulnerable to the cruelty of another person who lives far away. For I'm still churning about them. And the big book says we have a program that'll give you healing from that. And it doesn't come at our time in just the way we want to. Sometimes it'll be five years even while we're applying ourselves steadily. But you know that person that woman who did that thing with her father. If she did that for five years she's working hard. She's got a hell of a program. And she was still bedeviled by that. And it was still kind of a pain. But still there was a she was going in the direction. And the whole thing is not the result but that we go in the right direction. Again the sex relationships are a good field for just mentioning how the transformation is the big thing. The transformation of attitude from defensiveness, fear and self contempt over to faith. Because when we're say do the sex inventory or relationship inventory where there's the things we look at I find that being a Catholic and being a professional Catholic is a very important part of the relationship between the two of us. I studied morality rather closely. I got down to every I probably know the names of more sins than you do. And I know I know all kinds of ways of sin. And the big book when it does the the the the theic moment. Mm-hmm. back and these are not young couples. They are not couples with unstable marriages. They started out with a doctor and his wife and there was a bunch of other doctors. There were seven doctors and their wives. And then over the years they were added and changed but there were a few of the originals. One year, I was in third or fourth year in doing this, several couples came in to talk to me and they were married on an average of 35 years. And we're talking about divorce or separation. That wasn't the issue. They had something in their relationship they wanted to discuss. And that was, well, they were stable. They were sober, long-term members of the program. And after I talked to three couples in a row of long-term successful marriages, I was in awe at the depth of pain in a happy marriage. I was in awe. That's the... Speaker 1 Speaker 2 Speaker 3 Jean Vanier, a spiritual writer that I admire a lot. He's living. He's a Frenchman who started all this chain of resonances for developmentally disabled people. Very spiritual guy. And he wrote a thing on sex and marriage and... One of his comments about marriage, he says, the special mode of married love is forgiveness. Doesn't mean you do a bad program and let someone walk all over you and be a doormat. No, no. It's just continuous forgiveness that's necessary to keep the ship afloat. I think a happy marriage is one in which the couple, the husband and wife, love each other, are glad they're married to each other, but really miss each other. And they're not happy. They're not happy with each other, but really miss each other if they were separated and can barely stand each other. There's just something about a person who refuses to get out of your face. They won't go home. Speaker 4 Speaker 5 They are home. It's because they are home. Speaker 6 And the surrender of letting another person be... I think that surrender can be expressed in the mode of forgiveness a lot. Forgiving them just for being there. Forgiving them for the way they won't wise up ever. You know, forgiveness, forgiveness. You can say anything you want. Be honest. But there's an element of a decision. We kind of have the... We have a choice of whether or not to forgive the person's presence. And you forgive their presence, and forgive this and forgive that. And you can be honest. Say anything you want. Make your complaint. And turn over the results of the complaint. And, of course, I mentioned earlier what happens when we do totally forgive and turn over, and that is the goodness of that person becomes available to us again. And there can be some fun. But that... And so in an inventory, there can be, especially from the Al-Anon point of view, it's very difficult. I think it's much harder for an Al-Anon to take an inventory, even though we alcoholics can't remember half of what we did. It's hard because there's so much injury done unto a person who comes to Al-Anon. As such, it's horrendous in consideration, you know, and insensitive, boorish, overbearing, betrayals and everything. And... I'm getting into it, right? Yeah, yeah. And the... And the... Of course, it takes, you know, getting into the program, you know, to make the distinction between not being a doormat and standing up for yourself. And while standing up for oneself and being honest, to forgive. That's a distinction we can make well only when we're surrounded by people working the program. We need a lot of support to kind of understand. And so what we put in our inventory, well, I didn't forgive a lot. Because I... You know, and again, I didn't forgive the person who was hurting me. That's not my fault. No one says it's your fault. No one's blaming you. But if you get into the habit of being... Having hardness of heart, and protecting yourself by being tough in that manner, well, then you just get a little too tough. A little too tough for your own good. And you just get so tough that there's no comfort can get through the defense to touch to touch your heart in the view of Solomon. So we write up didn't harden held things against him and was cold and distant. That doesn't mean you're taking the blame because there's no blame. You know in the boyfriend-girlfriend or boyfriend-boyfriend-girlfriend-girlfriend relationship an aspect of the courting or the going out with somebody that kind of tickles me it's funny but it's tragic is there seems to be social permission to lie and deceive and manipulate anybody that you have a chance of having a sexual relationship with. And you're supposed to be honest and considerate and respectful of everybody else. But if there's a chance you're not you're kind of allowed to lie in order to make a good impression. So it'll work. And you know do we? There's something about the social permission and I think that it has to be kind of looked at. The and I think you know in relationships that are that have some social stigma connected. There's a mild stigma I guess connected with living with one another without being married. Stigma connected with some with gay relationships. And whenever there's a little bit of a social stigma it adds a lot to defensiveness. There's a thing well that's not wrong well if someone is accusing us then we tend to get defensive. And one thing about the program 12 steps. Leads us always to a point where we don't have to be defensive. Where we can honestly just God please help me see what I'm really up to and really doing and what my intentions are and let me know if I'm hurting myself or others. Because nobody's really blaming us. And so I think when it comes to a relationship say long term relationships that are irregular in some way by society's standards they're still in our inventory we look what's the bottom line here? Not what do they say? How am I experiencing this? What do I say? What's my own conscience? And I think a guide to examining a relationship that's sexual is to take out the sex. And say how do you treat the person as a person if you disregard the sex altogether? And that tells us how we're treating a person as a person. Are we there's a necessity of radical surrender of being willing for a person to either love us or not love us or make a decision to go where they want to go or not where you're honest about what you like but you have to let the person grant them their freedom or we manipulate it don't treat a person right. It's not good manners. It backfires. The transformation that the program offers us is especially apparent in behavior that we would kind of all most people agree is ooh pretty destructive behavior that's in the sexual area that is a very promiscuous behavior where there's a lot of sex that's really impersonal practically or um that's the kind of behavior that goes along with drinking a lot you know and we can say if there's fear there's either a bunch of excuses or utter shame and contempt. And if there's faith there's the attitude that you know if you have sex with a lot of different people and you're not ready you sure have to lie a lot. And there's something about sex where there's a God given-ness to the whole operation where it seems there's a sort of a built-in message and two people can be agreed that they're not this is no big deal this isn't the answer we're not going to be a couple but just after a bunch of dinner though um and um and um and um and um and um um and um and there may be an agreement that there's no but there's a certain like nature a certain given about the message of sexual intercourse and the given is just it is a symbolic way of saying we're in this together and I care about your whole life but I kind of care where your laundry is done and what your plans are and how your taxes are doing and uh it implicitly says that you didn't realize that but implicitly and when the end the endocrine system gets secreting certain uh little chemical messages that go out to the body and the whole body gets ready to have some security and have some place to rest your head where they don't move fast and drop it there's a and whether there's it doesn't matter whether anybody means this or not the whole system gets ready for some kind of intimacy and love and tenderness and and uh and then when it doesn't happen it's like getting your chin dropped on cement and so it's tough and if a person looks at their own life day with insufficient preparation or or whatever wasn't personal enough and says you know there was some damage to me and other people and I want to acknowledge that no defensiveness no contempt for oneself see in a faith it can be that way and then we can talk in a way that's healing and not just circular you know um we started a little late and I went a little late um I should stop uh usually I stop just before I say anything about sex and you get um but I have I didn't get to the perversion I had uh the whole page on the whole page on perversions but I don't it crash I had like two and a half my head oh am in some few uh sort of you know these are the things that you are doing I'm going to print of session four and the start of session five. Permit the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. My original plan this morning was to have a reflection on the eleventh step, which I'm still going to do, and then lead into a meditation that would be a silent meditation, basically, where everybody would go out in the sunshine and walk around. And so I think we're a little bit cooped up here, so we'll probably have a guided meditation for a little while right where we're sitting. It's pretty high. Oh, yeah, I got it. We'll have to get a microphone here next year or something. Okay, the eleventh step, stop through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understand him, praying only for knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. This is the step where we... Cooperate with our higher power to energize, let grow the spiritual awakening he's bringing about within us. The thing about prayer is not that we need to remind God of anything or kind of get him on our side or give him instructions or show how good we are. It's nothing good. You know, and this is not something like that. It's something like, you know, I'm going to pray for you. I'm going to pray for you. It's a modern reflection as if I'm saying, dun-da-dun-da-dun, the 20th century, we know now that we're not the ones that cajole God into doing things. This is standard spiritual wisdom. St. Augustine in the 5th century had long essays on how our prayers aren't meant to change God at all. Our prayers simply change us so that our hearts are more open to the action. The God's favor, God's love, his way is on. His love is out there. Healing and forgiveness and that's flowing like a river. That's going on. The only variable in the whole thing is what's inside of us. The only variable is whether I can catch it or not. And if I'm drinking and distracted, I'm, what I was just calling, when I have a lot of I gottas, I gottas, I gottas, I gottas, when I got the gottas, I am single-mindedly paying attention to what I figure I need in the way and when I need it, and I simply miss what my higher power has in mind. I'm not paying attention to that. I got my hands full. And in our desperation for survival, we kind of do that. And after we begin to have a spiritual awakening and we're drawn into the fellowship and we kind of get wised up a bit and we have our heart healed a bit and we have some people that start to know us as we are and we start to have some exchange and it's this wonderful relief where you don't have to put up any pretense. We put it up anyway, just in case. But we can devote less energy to the pretense and we start letting the spiritual touch of awakening have a big effect in our life and guide us. Well, even then, we're in a world with a lot of conflict. I'm not saying we're not going to do that. I'm not saying we're not going to do that. I'm just saying we're going to keep doing it. I'm not saying we're going to do that. We're just going to keep doing it. competing voices. I started out the retreat by talking about how recovery itself can take the shine off of our spiritual awakening by distracting us into all of the advance in the job we're doing and comparing how well I'm doing. And it goes on and on. So there is the risk of making this tape unable to be sent through the mail. I think that this is just for educational purposes only. I have to use this word in order to get across the kind of distraction which I think is the biggest obstacle. I think it's the biggest obstacle to letting our spiritual awakening continue to nourish and guide us. The way this is described is unforgettable to me. The guy, I go to a, my home, main home meeting is the White Flag in Mid-Sac, downtown Los Angeles. One of the guys came in one night and he was, he was saying, oh, I've been listening to K-fuck all day. And I'm sorry, that's what he said. Everybody knew what he meant. Everybody knew that there's a running commentary of self-obsessed fear in the back of our heads. Just this running commentary on how bad everyone else is doing and how unfair life is and how things are going to probably, she's leaving. And the, there's great competition for computer time, you might call it. There's a great competition. Who gets on the screen? There's lots of people waiting in line to get on your screen. Self-obsessed fear, regular talk radio. The kids. All kind of competing influences and so forth. And they all want to, they're waiting their turn to get on the screen. Maybe two or three at once are on the screen. You're kind of looking like this. And prayer has to do with deliberately tuning in to your own spiritual awakening. Tuning in to your higher power. And the basis of our own experience. Of a higher power. So that we're not swept away by listening to that radio station. Where it just fills our life with negativity. And the thing that drains us instead of nourishing us. And as we, well how do you do that? How do you tune in? Well we, you know I, we start to meditate. We listen to God. Well how do you listen to God? I want to suggest that everybody here. Has a lot of experience. And we're fairly practiced at listening to God. Anybody who's been to meetings on any kind of a regular basis. Has gotten used to a certain spiritual discipline. A routine. And I call it kind of an active meditation. And when we do that we're simply at a meeting. And somebody starts to share their experience, strength and hope. And as they're telling their story or going through with. What they're going to go through. And it's, you know, in a significant percentage of the time. Somebody who is experience, sharing their experience, strength and hope. Is doing so in a way that we can relate to. And they're doing so in a way where they, they talk about their life. And what happened. In terms of the spiritual awakening they had. Now they may not mention the word God. And they may not mention the word spiritual awakening at all. Probably won't. But they'll simply tell. Their story. And in the story. If there's. A turn in their life. Where it was from. Struggling and. Being negative and despair and total frustration. Into finding a big relief. Where they were drawn into this pathway. Where instead of. Trying, trying, trying to fight yourself. There was a. A turn in a peacefulness. Where we're just going to relax. Someone holds your hand when you get used to being a thing about algae. And then they give you some suggestions. On footwork that makes you more peaceful with that. And then give you suggestions. That's a increase. The quality of our spiritual hygiene. Now instead of constantly hiding. We actually can connect with another person. Instead of being so. Drained and. And taken up with our self obsession. We're drawn out of ourselves to pay attention to somebody else. And then find. The relief. And the. The freshening up. And the relaxation that comes from. Being let off the hook. Where I can actually pay attention to another human being. And instead. All those things that start to happen. And then the. The discovery. That we're. We're sober. And we don't mind it. I'm sober and I don't feel like I'm doing some big heroic thing. I feel like I'm just. Fortunate. That I get that I get to be. Clean and sober. I don't have to go through all that. Exhausting. Raining. Isolating. Ah. Oh thank you God. That's the spiritual awakening by the way. If you don't even think of God. Directly. But rather indirectly. And if you're listening to somebody's pitch. And be it A.A. or Al-Anon. Somebody starts talking about the. The. Surprising liberation. Doing it. Do a little workout of. Release with love. Okay I release you. Heard one. Al-Anon. Woman one time. And it was suggested to her that she give her husband permission to drink. And it was meant. You know inside. Let go. Don't resist the thing. But she walked in and says. I give you permission to drink. And he said. But. But it was part of her spiritual awakening. She did it. It confused him to no end. He didn't know what was. Going on for a while. Well when we listen to these. To the stories of our brothers and sisters. And in the middle of the story you say. Oh yeah. Uh huh. Yeah. You're meditating. You're listening. To God. Oh wait a minute. That person isn't God there. This is what I mean. When we identify. With the spiritual awakening of another. Someone else's spiritual awakening. And I listen to it. And it rings. My bell. If it resonates. With the experience I've had. Then the experience. I've had. Comes to life. It's it's raised up on my screen. It has the center. And as it when it's raised up on my screen. It becomes a more vital thing within me. And then I relate. That past event. To today. And it. Has an effect. Of giving. More hope for today. And more encouragement. To live in the spirit. Of that past experience. In other words. I'm listening to God. I'm listening to the voice of God. That hit me already. And that then speaks to me afresh about today. And I get encouragement. And direction. See. You're all good at it already. You're all good at meditation. And when we meditate we do something like that. All the time. We. You use a 24 hour a day book. You use another book. And. What you're doing. Is reading something. That's a reflection or a report. Or a reflection on. Or the result. Of a spiritual experience of somebody. And if you. Read the report of someone else's spiritual experience. And if it rings your bell. If you identify it all. There's that. That thing happens. And as the thing happens. It becomes available to me. And that process goes on. And we listen to God. We can do that. In a meeting. We can do that out of a little book. We can do that. There are many forms of doing it. One of the. A form of meditation that we usually associate with Eastern. Religion Buddhism. Or more of a transcendental meditation. Is emptying out. By the way that form of meditation. Was much more. Was very common among. Christians. Before the printing press. But. Since the printing press. We got so much paper. We're reading all the time. And we won't shut up. If we shut up. We'll read. We won't just. Quiet down. And just be in the presence of our higher power. With less activity. And so it's that. That tradition was kind of long. At least it was thinned out. You know. And I think there are some. Mantras. I use this. A couple of. I consider them more Al-Anon mantras. They seem to have the best ones. So many. But release. Release with love or release. Let go. These are my two favorite ones. And all by themselves. They wouldn't mean anything to somebody. You know. Release or let go. But if you've been in the program for a while. Then we've had 10,000 hours of conversation and reflection. And. I think we're going to have a lot of. We've had a lot of questions. But. Let go. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. And. trust to do that. It means you believe in God if you do that. Because if it doesn't make any sense to make an empty space and there's nothing to come in. Just release or let go. Or you make up your own one, you know, something that suggests the whole program to you or suggests some special understanding you have. And just be quiet. But this, you know, if we don't have time, if we don't take time to just give our spiritual awakening a chance to come up on the screen, well, you know what happens to people who don't go to meetings and don't pray? They get very preoccupied with things. And if we think of this in terms of fear. The usual way we think in terms of things of being a little bad girl or a good girl. That's fear. Of being a good girl who prays and meditates. Very good. Or bad. Never doing that. And then so you get a little star if you pray and you get a black mark if you don't pray. When we think of those terms, prayer will always be a chore and a sign of being under the thumb and oppressed by wrath. And the other thing is that we need to be a little bit more careful with our own self and our own self-acceptance. And that's why I think that prayer is a little bit more important than the other things. But I think that prayer is a little bit more important than the other things. And I think that prayer is a little bit more important than the other things. You found that thoroughgoing self-acceptance of yourself as both a child of God who is beloved and as a dingbat out here, a demented Al-Anon who is full of fear and anxiety and all of this wrapped together, that you live in a way of life where you don't have to subtract the one or the other. We don't have to subtract and hide our pain and our weakness and therefore put on a false front. And we don't have to subtract the fact that we're children of God and live in shame and self-contempt. We put them both together and we know that's the way it really is. That's the way it really is. And when we meet each other like that, and each person we meet, we see a child of God who is pretty goofy. And we see a child of God who is a little bit more down. And who needs a lot of support or they'll freak out and pretend they're not goofy or pretend they're not a child of God, one or the other. Then we need to keep looking at them, convince both, the both. And I got to have people looking at me, convinced that I'm both. So that when we're convinced we're both, we feel sane. And meditation has everything to do with nervousness. And we need to keep looking at them. So that world is everything. So it's just, we've got to train them in meditation, so they can become like us. And then it's little ones and little selves. I've worked at basic meditation for many years and I learned that the day you sit on the mat, put your hands on the floor, grab a few of your sealed видео and call them this may be going to happen to them, shaking your head, but that culminates in their weight going well. I learned to pray well and I'm glad I learned to act well. I'm there for them. Some of the scriptures doesn't teach how to pray like a mother. You just like a little workout. You like to have your baby here. You have your baby on trial day. And you're now in special time. You're not HEY BACK IN MI一個 life. Then baby's taken home with you. Looking forward. Well, who cares? You know, it's important to be in on what's true is that I'm not God. What's true is that the well of love and wisdom doesn't come out of me. It is within me when I'm humbly ready to acknowledge my higher power. And it kind of rises into God within. But I don't own it. I don't own it, possess it, and I don't control it. I'm a servant. And as we... It's just very fitting for us to spend a little time in the presence of the truth. And just do it. Just so that we're not swept away with the lies that... Well, with what turns out to be a lie, if that's all we hear. It's not a lie that you're cute. It is a lie that hearing you're cute all the time... is gonna do it for you. It's a... Good thing to protect. Praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the power to carry that out. That's... Again, we get the old fear versus faith here. And I have fear in me all the time. Sometimes when I'm fortunate, the fear is gonna scrunch up to the side. It doesn't have too much of an effect. But it's always there. But when my fear has some place in me... And when I'm reading... By the way... Take another... diversion here. I find, and I've only been able to acknowledge this... in a recent... That... The area where old ideas... come in to me most strongly... is when I think of spiritual things. Go into a church, start to pray... and you feel more like the old days... than any other activity you do. And so it's dangerous. We can get into... start praying... and think, okay, time to pray. And immediately fall into guilt. Because, uh... You haven't prayed enough, you haven't prayed well enough... Who do you think you are? And this kind of spiritual K, you know what? Um... It isn't the truth. If we can fall into this... It's old ideas. It's the kind of thought process and the little pathways... that we've taken a lot... to get to where we are today. And that's the kind of thought process... that we've taken a lot... to get to where we are today. When we're thinking in spiritual terms... in spiritual words... in our life. I think it's good to acknowledge that... if it's true for you. And to say... just because... it will be... kind of an automatic association... with a lot of our old ideas... doesn't mean that, oh, well, I guess it's just... too dangerous for me to pray... I'll think of something else. Maybe... high fiber and, uh... uh... mega vitamins. Um... No, the prayer has to do... with... not... you know... it's not designed... to get in touch with all our neuroses... and old ideas. The whole thing is designed to get in touch... with our spiritual awakening... that has begun to save our lives... change our lives. And the more we pray... and the more we aim it... and focus... on our awakening... instead of... the old days... uh... the healthier our prayer becomes. And that's the thing. It's not... it's not... it's not... it's not... it's not... it's not... it's not... it's not... the healthier our prayer becomes... the more nourishing. But the... uh... as I look at this thing... praying only for knowledge of its will for us... and the power to carry that out... what I see... that'll hit my fear, see? Knowledge of God's will. Ding ding ding ding ding ding... Uh... and that... I'll think, well... the fun is over. You know God's will. That means... that... you know... pain... Do you imagine God... designing coffee breaks... into the uh... into life? You know... We usually don't think of that. Uh... And we're pretty sure... He'd rather you not have sex again. Uh... I don't care if you're... a particular kind of neurotic... Catholic... or Baptist... Um... I think... I think... I think... I think... I think... I think... I think... I think... I think... I think... I think... I just want, I don't know... I think I just want toproduce my prayer. I think I want to make my... I think I should make it my letter. Like... like I said. Like afront O. Well... You know, is that real? Do what you say... right? Um... uh... a front O. U... was the one that I read a... a little bit just a couple of days ago. So... always put my new understanding of a higher power from the dumb old God I've got to drag along and give instructions to the higher power who leads and who's giving me surprises. And it's we have experience, all of us here. The way God's will is not just something that is pretty good of us to be willing just to do God's will. No, come on. God's will is what's rescuing us from our will. You know, I had my I had my will long enough. I had a good chance, fair chance, to work it out my way. And then when I was dropping to the earth about dead, I sort of be dragged along in the gospel a little bit. And you know, my will consisted of pandering to my ego because I have a good education and I pandered to my ego in a rather sophisticated way. I didn't want this gross fulfillment. I was after a rather high level of psychological integration. And I wanted to I was after that. And I wanted to achieve it and then maybe I'd be happy. And of course, I wanted to be good. I wanted to be a good Christian and a good priest. And the way I was going to be able to tell I was a good Christian and a good priest is when I noticed that I was a little better than the other one. Built-in comparison thing. Built-in. And what does that mean when I start comparing? It means that I want to be good. I want to be good. I want to rate high on the scale so that they'll inspire me. And God will think you're pretty good. And then I'll be alright. And achieve alrightness by a high rating. You know, and this is fear and ego. It's not the truth. The spiritual life is exactly exactly what it is. It's what everyone here has experienced when you found yourself early in your recovery in an informal talk with some people or in a meeting where you were acutely aware of your disease and of your comical list of fears and self-obsession and that you're being held up in sanity and willingness to show up by the sheer grace of God and working through other people and that you knew and that people could tell that. They could look at you and see you didn't rate very well. And that you knew not rating very well didn't matter at all. I know one of the things I I can remember the feeling early when I was going to meetings and just first hitting that identification and I was sober for a month and a half or something and people would be sober 10 years, 15 years and And I knew, because I was being touched by the program, my month and a half being sober, I didn't feel the least bit underdog-like. Or I thought, that's what I am, a month and a half. You're ten years? Great. Because we were receiving God's gifts, and it just wasn't a matter of comparison. That's not what was going on. What was going on was gratitude for the gift of life. It's sobriety. And once that's going on, that's a certain thing. And when we're into that, we know that we have been drawn away from our usual way of thinking into another whole way of looking at things. And so that is God's will. I'll give an example of getting God's will, but we weren't even asking. We were drawn into a way of getting better, and a way of life that we weren't even asking for, that we weren't alert or healthy enough to imagine. And it is a sheer gift that we're drawn that way. Or we might have even read about it and idealized about it. A lot of times we get these high ideals, but the ideals are so interwoven with our own fears and insecurities and ego that we want to get them. And so we're drawn into a way of getting better, and we want to be very generous and loving and self-giving and be recognized by all as doing that. Or something. Just all mixed up with other things. And when we're given this thing, uh-huh, I just was drawn into God's will. And all I'm asked is to sign my name to it. I couldn't think it up. Whenever we find ourselves living God's will, it's a liberation. It's always, oh, it's what I would have wanted if I knew enough. I would have wanted this. I would have asked if I knew. If I wasn't so preoccupied or scared or anything. And that's God's will. God's will for us. And I want to say God's will for us because I am so much of an individualist. I am so detached. And sick. That I think of well-being in terms of what's good for me. And once we're on this path of recovery, we go through a shift. And we don't think this is what's good for me. It's what's good for us. What's good for me is when I am relating well with us. What's good for me is to be identifying. With you. And having your life and what's going on with you. Important to me. And yet, have clear boundaries where we don't merge. And we know that I don't do your chores for you or yours for me. That we respect each other's dignity and individual-ness. But that I identify with you. And that I can't even begin to live my life in a healthy way and take care of myself. Unless I know we're linked together in fellowship. That's God's will. So God's praying only for knowledge of God's will for us and the part he carries out is not heroic. It isn't ever a matter of being okay. I'll volunteer. God's will. You guys keep having your fun and everything. I'm going to go for God's will. Leave the scouting party that goes out. You guys are going to get some real big help. You know, you don't have to do that. But... So... You don't have to go for God's will. I want you to go for God's will. I want you to go for God's will. That's God's will. God's will is always what is best. It's our true well-being. If there's anything to the thing that God loves us, he treasures our true well-being. Because that's what love is. Love is treasuring the well-being of the other. And he treasures our well-being and he draws us into that. We ask... Can you pray for particular things? You just always say, God's will be done, and I can't pray that my mother get over cancer. Pray for a chocolate-colored course, you know. Pray for anything you like. And then say, thy will be done. Pray for anything you like, and then say, have it your way. Have it what's best for us. Hang on to no results. Thy will be done, thy will be done, thy will be done. Keep wising me up, please. And I have a feeling this prayer is going to be kind of dumb, Higher Power. And I think maybe there's a little ego and selfishness here. But. I would like a little upgrade on my hi-fi system. I know that $3,000 should probably feed a lot of people in Ethiopia, but. I'm going to try not to think about that between now and the time I go to the store. And if you put. Some obstacle in my way to stop me, well, thy will be done. Because. I don't know what I'm doing this for. Thy will be done. We just need. We need to be rescued by God's will. A few things. People ask, how can I tell what God's will is? Well, the whole program, the whole way of life we have is designed to give us some chance of recognizing what God's will is. And I think that's one of the things that we need to be careful about. And I think that's one of the things that we need to be careful about. One thing, the phrase God's will comes up is a couple of things about that. One is, I think it's always God's will that I take care of what's in front of me. That I simply play the hand that's dealt to me right now. That it's God's will that I handle and take and deal with what's here as best I can. And I think that's one of the things that we need to be careful about. And I think that's one of the things that we need to be careful about. And in the light of the program, in the light of my own time. Now that may sound like so commonplace. Well, of course. But what I notice myself is that when I get God's will and my expectations kind of mixed up, I'll often have the impression that, oh, it all went wrong already. So it's no use. It doesn't matter what you do now. You screwed it up. That's never the case. Never, ever, ever. There's always something to do that is in harmony with God's will for us. Always something to do that needs... Another thing, if we start meditating on God's will, that's a dangerous thing to do. Because we tend to crawl into the back of God's head and try to psych him out and figure out what he's doing. You know, when somebody we love is killed, you know, we try to crawl into God's head and figure, what are you up to, God? What were you doing? How come he did that? Well, maybe it was because we get a disease ourselves. We think, well, is this God's will? We try to crawl into God's head and figure out what he is up to. And if you catch yourself crawling into God's head, crawl out as fast as you can. Backward. Get out of there. It's nothing but trouble. We're incompetent. We just come up with the stupidest things when we're trying to psych out God. That's not what... It's always good to say, what God's will for me. Not what God's will in this transcendent order of the universe kind of thing. Because we're incompetent speaking those terms. And we just get mixed up. And project dumb things onto God. We wind up with a big, dumb, cruel God. Can't quite get the harvest in without killing 70 people. And we need to... What's God's will for me? Anyway. If I'm going to... I started this a little late. One more thing about God's will, I think. Oh, I guess I said it. I wonder what about formal prayer. Formal prayer has a bad name. We're... You know, what's really good is to speak from your heart and have your own prayer. And that is the highest form of prayer. It's simply discovering the identification that God is speaking to you. And saying from your heart. Formal prayer has a place in life, however. And it's a matter of... Whenever we pray the Lord's Prayer, it's a formal prayer. What that is, is a distillation of the spiritual experience of your mother and father. It's... It's the well-worn prayer of people who had a spiritual awakening. And we kind of get in on an authentic prayer. We read... The scripture of your... Your faith. Read some program literature. And when we get in on that prayer, sometimes we are unable altogether to identify with it. And so nothing much comes of it. Except the fact that we... But something always comes with prayer. And that if we stop and simply turn towards our higher power to pay attention, and it doesn't work, it works. If we stop and turn towards our higher power, we're not listening to you-know-what. And we... Are touched and... There's... It's something like the relationship... Um... Of husband and wife. Of lovers, of very good friends. Uh... There are all kinds of levels of intensity of communication. From... Uh... You know, a very special moment of just... Uh... Clear... Love and understanding, or... Um... Down to... Doing the dishes together, or just having a cup of coffee, while both read the newspaper. Um... If you're both having a cup of coffee and reading the newspaper, in a friendly, accepting spirit, um... That's nourished. And if you, uh, attempt to have a conversation, that doesn't work too well. You didn't get it across. But if you were gonna earnestly try to pay attention to somebody, a friend of yours, and it... Well, it... Didn't go too well, well, you paid it... They know you paid attention to them. And that's part of life. Uh... Prayer is... It's part of life. Regular stuff. Uh... You don't have to... It doesn't have to be intense all the time at all. And most of the time it isn't. Uh... Most of the time it's like communication with somebody since the beginning of your life. It's a lot of regular old stuff. Um... But formal prayer, uh... Is, um... Kind of walking along a path with your mothers and fathers. Uh... And when you identify... A bit... In fact, if you read your... Your scripture, or prayers that are formal, try to have that in mind. That... You ask, what's authentic here? What's the good news here? What's... Hmm... This... Somebody was turned on when they wrote this, and a million other people identified with it, or it wouldn't be in the book. Uh... Hmm... I wonder if I can... I wonder if I can say I can ring my bell and get it running. Uh... With this sort of thing. And then be gentle with it. A little bit isn't it? It does stuff. Uh... But I just want to suggest that as an attitude about it. And now, for the last few minutes here, Um... I'd like you to... I'd like you just to have a little... Meditation. And maybe we could actually... Uh... Could I... Swim around in your seat and kind of get a little more relaxed, and uh... We might even try to close our eyes. And, um... Um... Uh... And I want to suggest in this meditation... To simply... Walk along a path... And consider... What our higher power... Is doing in us. What our higher power... Has been doing with us... This time... Since we started recovering. And, uh... Our higher power has been... Not so much piling gifts... But he's... Gotten... Uh... Very deep within us. And has changed our tastes. We who are alcoholic here... Have a taste for getting high. The way of... Being able to stand. Our higher power has come... And has given us a taste for sobriety. And he's building that taste... Day by day... As we identify with other sober alcoholics. And all of us have a taste for... Achieving security by controlling. The dream of control. And our higher power... Has gotten very deep within us. So deep that it's in there where our free will is. He received... The power of the higher power. And he's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... He's... It's... It's... It's... Th songs! Lee Lester... But digital profession, Commuter, Does... Make up... The Milky Way. We used to have an ideal of getting everything together right, and that usually did not include other people being in on what we're doing. We're going to do it with them or to them. And our higher power is giving us a taste for fellowship, giving us a taste for the quality of love and understanding that comes about when we gather together freely and wait upon one another, and wait upon the other to share, and we suffer with that person and struggle to share, and we trust others to let us struggle to share. And it's, a lot of times, we even doubt the whole worthwhileness. But we're getting a taste, and the taste is going deeper for the kind of fellowship and trust and solidarity that we know now that we're getting the taste for. And it's what we need to live. And this new taste of fellowship is obviously a gift, but we couldn't get it on our own. And we're going to do it. Thank you. We're getting a taste for loving service. We always liked the idea of loving service, but we spent so much time people pleasing and being forced to do things, and being worried about criticism, and doing so much nervously that we're just exhausted, hurt, and leave me alone. And we're being drawn into a kind of service that doesn't allow us to be alone. And we're getting a taste for the service that does not deplete us, that is witnessing to the message freely given. And this, we pass it on, knowing we don't own it, and yet our own story is a necessary mixture for it to be understandable. And we're getting a taste for spending some time being in service. And we're getting a taste for the service that does not deplete us, that is witnessing to the message freely given. And we're getting a taste of loving service for the serves we are serving, so we stay a little longer than usual in prime of being perfect, and it's kind of a surprise that we're almost at the sick of service, if we are just driven by fear. And if we thicken our mind with this idea that higher power is nourishing and letting the taste of loving go and surviving in fellowship in service, that by describe within us that now we are fullyiganized and satisfied. It's like a seed within us. The yeast is the dough of the mustard seed. It's in us and it's growing. And we're being given a taste of patience. And our faith is growing. We find more trust in God's loving care when we are acquainted again with our own fears, our own powerlessness over our fears, and hang up. And the old ideas return. Cause to solve our problems in the old way. And we know that we have a higher power who patiently waits for us to drop the old ways again. And to humbly do good work while we feel like fools. You know, it doesn't matter what. It doesn't matter what they're doing. It's not very long, but I pray a formal prayer together. I pray the Lord's prayer. I think we can just say in rows. It's a little too tough to stand up. If we get all around the circle, we kind of tear the place apart. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day. Our daily bread. And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. The kingdom, the power, and the glory forever. Amen. Keep having faith. It works. Thank you, Father Terrence. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you.