Step 11 and Spiritual Surrender – FOTS Step 11 Workshop – Part 5 of 25 – Timobe W.

My name is Tiambe, and I am an alcoholic. And I'm clean and sober by the grace of God, the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous. And thank you, Teresa, for asking me. I believe that it's always – sorry, I'm super nervous. It's always just an honor and a privilege not only to be a member of Alcoholic Anonymous but to be able to share my story within the rooms. And for that, I am truly grateful. my sobriety date is June 27th 1995 and so just a few weeks ago I just recently celebrated 25 years of continuous sobriete um and that is um all because of the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous and and the god of my understanding who most of the time I don't understand um so I uh I'm going to start off with something from the 12 and 12 it is not from step 11 but it I will tie it into step 11. Um, so don't, please don't worry. Um I do have a sponsor. My sponsor's name is Jane L from Tallahassee, Florida I do Have a home group. It's principal studies group In Modesto that meets on Wednesday nights at 5 45 p.m Although i'm kind of thinking about switching over to the young people's young uh untitled meeting that meets он friday nights at uh 8 30 p.м california time so um so let me just read this because it'll kind of tell you who i am in a nutshell but it is from our twisted relations with family friends and society at large that many of us have suffered the most we have been especially stupid and stubborn about them the primary fact that we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being our egomania digs to two disastrous pitfalls either we insist upon dominating the people we know or we depend upon them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us for they are human too and cannot possibly meet our incessant demands. In this way, our insecurity grows and festers. When we habitually try to manipulate others to our own willful desires, they revolt and resist us heavily. Then we develop hurt feelings, a sense of persecution, and a desire to retaliate. As we redouble our efforts at control and continue to fail, our suffering becomes acute and constant. We have not once sought to be one in a family, to be a friend amongst friends, to be among workers, to be a useful member of society. Always we try to struggle to the top of the heap or hide underneath it. This self-centered behavior blocked a partnership relation with any one of those about us. Of true brotherhood, we had small comprehension. And that's me in a nutshell, I was born and raised in San Jose, California. And when I was five years old, my mother told me she was going to the store and she'd be right back and for me not to open the door for anyone. And that was the last time I saw her. So that left my father to raise me. So I grew up in what I like to call an all American dysfunctional home, we put the fun in dysfunction. And I went to parochial school, and I grew up on the east side. And the east side of San Jose is all black and brown. And where I went school at in Saratoga, it was all white, blonde hair, blue eyes. And people had money. And at this parochical school, it was going from Catholic to private while I was there. And, and i spent the first nine years of my education at that school. And, and I always wanted to be like the other little girls, you know, I always want it to be, um, like them. I wanted to have the long hair. I want it to have a blonde hair, the blue eyes, you know, I wanted a dad who drove a car, you know, my dad drove a motorcycle and so he would drop me off at school. And, um. You know, it was like, I was always looking at the differences. And, and little girls would ask me, you know, when mother daughter days would come up, little girls Would ask me where my mom was? And I just said, she's dead. I mean, like, I didn't know what else to say. Like, how do you say your mom went to thrifties and got lost on aisle two? I mean like, what do you stay? And so I just Said she's Dead. And so I learned very early on how to manipulate situations. And, and I am an only child. So I don't know about that partnership with people. You know, I learned Very early on how to control how to basically get the things that I needed to fix the things inside, you know, and my first drink was at the age of seven. And I remember it very clearly like it was yesterday, my father was an avid, you know, boxing fan and he would watch the Sugar Ray Leonard fights. And, you know, he would invite his buddies over and we had like this Zenith TV that was kind of curved and everybody would gather around it and, you know, they would watch the fight or whatever. And my dad was not a drinker, but he would come over and he would, you know, have family at the house. And so I remember one time, you know, they were having me clean up and everybody was so lively. Everybody was so, they Were loud. They were laughing and all of that. And for whatever reason, I had never felt like any type of joy and whether it be the abandon of my mother or, you Know, not feeling like I fit in. I just, I wanted what they had. And so I took a sip off of one of the Budweiser's that was there and it made me warm and fuzzy. And I was like, yeah, like this is kind of cool, you know, but nothing really happened. Nothing happened until I was, like, 12 years old. And one more time we had a situation at my school that it was, like, Mother Daughter Day and we were learning, like how to macrame or something. And I'm really telling my age there. And my dad showed up and he showed up in his chaps. and you know it was just very uncomfortable and and I remember going home and um and my friend had came over because uh her mom let her come over sometimes after school and I was a latchkey kid so you know um so she she came over and and i was crying and it was telling her how embarrassed I was and she was like hey let's go to the garage and and got something for you and so we uh smoked a marble red and I choked and I threw up and I was like oh my god I need another one you know and that's that's exactly how I drank because right after that the next week she came over you know we went and we boosted some Bartles and James Strawberry Hill and then we were off and running and you know so that's really how my my drinking started and and I started to do a lot of different things. You know, I started to, you know, I was definitely reaching outside of myself to fix something inside that God shaped hole that I would hear about when I first got sober. And, and I didn't know, you Know, I was just doing what people were doing. And so what ended up happening is I'm surprised I graduated high school. You know by the time I reached high school, I wasn't a student. I was a daily drinker. My father had pulled me out of that parochial school that was in Saratoga where there was nothing but Jaguars and Benzes. and um I ended up going to school on the east side and we had our own daycare it was not for the community it was for the students so you know there was a lot it was kind of like a lean on me moment right and um so uh you know going back and getting into public school you know I didn't speak like the other kids um I looked like the others kids but I didn' act like the other kids. And so, um, I always, I started, that's when I started to try to, uh, become a chameleon and whoever I was around, I wanted to be like, just so I could feel that void that was inside of me. So, you know, by the time I was in high school, I was a daily drinker, a lot of problems. And, um、 by the Time I was 17 years old, I ended up, I Was, I Started at a party in um on the east side of San Jose and when I woke up I was at LaGuardia airport in New York and and I remember sitting in my own vomit and and in myown piss and and i was thinking where am I and back then we had a lot of pay phones and the pay phones had the yellow pages and the white pages and so I went and I started looking at where I was and you know come to find out I was in New York and I was like wow okay um I don't know how I got into this one but you know and that wasn't odd for me to end up in different places by that time and so I made a way and um and you know we as alcoholics I believe you know I used to always tell people I was coming to visit but I ended up moving in you know like I just stay on their couch and eat their food and you know do all that stuff and so I did that with a guy that I had like a one-night stand with I found him in the yellow pages and I are white pages and i called him and then I showed up at his doorstep and and then it was like hey I'm here and so um in New York you know um I should tell you that my mother is not black she's she's mixed with Japanese and something else so I don't quite know we don't know. And, and my father's black. So I always felt like I was either too black or not black enough in certain situations. And so when I got to New York, it was like, oh, there's a lot of people that's like my skin tone and my hair texture. And they're all Puerto Rican. And I was like, well, this is my answer I've been looking for. I finally fit in with a bunch of Puerto Puerto Ricans. And, um, so yeah, no, cause I didn't know a lick of Spanish. All I could get out was que paso, you know? Um, and so I would go to the Puerto Rican parades and I would, you know, be drunk and passed out and did a whole lot of stuff. And then, you Know, a lot of that belligerent behavior, he no longer wanted me in his, in his house. So, you KNOW, I didn'T know anybody in New York. And so I, um I did what I naturally knew how to do. And you know, back then we had the cat suits and the mini skirts and and all of that that you could buy for like five dollars and only wash them one time or they'd shrink and fall apart and um and so I remember going to this bodega and and I had turned my catsuit around so the zipper was in the front so I could have the girls out and um, and I remember begging this man, you know, just for 40 ounce and all I had was a quarter, you Know, and and i was just i'll do anything. I'll do anything for this bottle. And, um, and he asked me to go to the back and I went to the back, you know, and, uh, didn't know what to expect. But, um. When I came out, I had a different view on things that I was willing to do for, for my alcohol. And so I can't sit here and tell you that I'm not above turning a trick for a bottle of booze because I am. And I'm not telling you that to have any kind of pity, it is just the level of degradation that I am willing to go to, to feed my disease. And so that taking that turn, I became everything that I said that I would never be, you know, and I remember sitting out. And i was talking to Teresa about this, I remember setting out on the track, and looking at this pregnant woman, and i was completely, you know, drunk. And I thought to myself, you know, she was out there in a blue Teddy. I remember thinking if I ever get that bad. If I ever get that bad, then I'll stop. But it didn't mind that I was out there. It didn't care. I didn't care. You know, and so I got into a lot of problems in New York. And so I came back and, um, and then I showed up at my dad's doorstep and I was about 90 pounds. And my dad didn't even recognize me. And he wanted nothing to do with me. He said that I was dead to him. And, um... And so now, you know, my head's like, wow, I don't even, I don't have any siblings. I don' t know my mother. And now the only person who's ever cared about me doesn't want me and um so the only thing i knew to do was go and get drunk and then i went to this little town called east palo alto it was the murder capital of the u.s for a couple years and and umso i i went over there and you know i just did what what i learned to do you know and i learned how to compromise myself put myself in real seedy situations and and i'm that drunk that I like to be in those really sketchy bars with uh you know the bad the bad table you know and those holes where the elbows would be your people's foreheads and you know and I and I would I would I would walk around with my own straws and drink out of people's drinks because I didn't want to catch anything no never mind what I was doing in the bathrooms but I didn'T want to catch anything so that's like the level of my toxicity okay so you know what ended up happening was um i was involved with some san jose pd that were kind of you know not the finest and um and i i started staying in this uh crack house and i figured if you lived in a crack house nobody would be concerned about your boobs you know they're not worried about that and so i thought thought that that was the safest place for me to be and um so i was there and i was dealing with some of the uh you know crooked pd and and one night this cop was telling me you know tiambe you really need to get it together and he's here with me and i'm looking at him like i need to Get It Together You Need To Get It together you know and um so after that he was like you know you really Need To get a job and what i heard was you know if i get a Job i could drink the way that I wanted to drink and I might be able to afford my own place. And so I did, I ended up getting this job as a credit card collector. So we already know what I did. Right. And but there was a lady there that used to read this large blue book. And on a 10 minute break, she would smoke three cigarettes. And then, you know, she looked like she was always stressed out reading this large Blue Book. Andso one day, I just asked her what's in that book that made her smoke so bad and so she went on to tell me it was the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and and all of that and so hence you know uh June 27th in 1995 I started my journey in Alcoholics Anonymous. And you know I met these these ladies and these ladies uh literally took me under their wing. You know one lady actually read the book to me out loud you know and she had a dictionary and we met at the same day time. And, you know, and it was very much like, Hey, are you going to take Tiambe tonight? You know, you got her Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then how about you take her for Saturday, Sunday, Monday, you Know, and I got passed around the rooms, you know, it was kind of nice because it's the first time I got past around and I didn't have to sleep with anybody. And so what ended up happening was, you know, I believe the obsession was removed. And then I started to get it. I started to get some clarity in my life about the way that I was living my life. And I can't sit here and tell you that I did everything perfect in my first year of sobriety. What I can tell you is that I didn't take a drink and I didn'T take any mood altering substances, you know, and but yeah, when it came to illegal activities, I was still involved with that because they told me don't drink in between meetings. They never said don't do illegal activities. And it wasn't until I got deeper into the book, and especially into step 11, that it dawned on me that if I was going to live this way of life, then I needed to let go of all the things that was in that past life in the disease, right? You know, it talks about in the book to envision God's will in all our activities, right. So when we do that, you know, illegal activities is not a vision that god wants me to participate in so you know i had all these experiences and then you know i was working with this one woman for about six and a half years and then she went out and then it was like well what do you do so i ended up getting another sponsor and and meanwhile i never stopped meeting with that first sponsor that i had and and i got to a place where she decided she wanted to get sober again and um she's at 17 and a half years of sobriety. And God gave, God gave me the ability to be there with her and not judge her for the decision that she made, you know, when our responsibility statement, you know, is very powerful when the hand of AA reaches out, you know, and, and it's like, we got to be there. And so that's what I did. And I've learned so much unconditional love in that relationship with with her. And So my next sponsor, I worked with 17 years and, you know, um, I did a lot of checkbox sobriety. I did that step. I did THAT step. I sponsored that person. I did That Service Commitment, you kno, and it was very human doing, um and it's only been in the last few years that I've transitioned into a human being and that's a direct result of step 11, you know, and diving into my spiritual practice. So here I'm going to say, let me start with this. It says, those of us who have come to make regular use of prayer would no more do it without it than we would refuse air, food, or sunshine. And for the same reason, when we refuse air, light, or food, the body suffers, and we turn away from meditation and prayer. We likewise wise deprive our minds, our emotions and our intuitions of vitally needed support. As the body can fail its purpose for lack of nourishment, so can the soul. We need we all need the light of God's reality, the nourishment of his strength and the atmosphere of his grace to an amazing extent of the facts of AA life confirm this A-list truth. What that tells me is that I need God like I like I asked God, did you want me to put this on today? You know, like I'm very communicative with my higher power because what i know is without my higher power in my life i'm absolutely nothing so here it says there is a direct linkage amongst self self-examination meditation and prayer taken separately these practices can bring much relief and benefit then when they are logically related and interwoven the result is an unshakable foundation for life now and then we may be granted a glimpse of that ultimate reality which is god's kingdom and we'll be comforted and assured that our own destiny in that realm will be secure for so long as we try, however faultingly to find and do the will of our own creator. So what that tells me is I have to be accountable every day to not only myself, but to my higher power by taking a daily inventory. And quite a few years ago, my best friend died and it was just like the wind went underneath my sails. And I didn't, I didn'T really know what to do besides go to a meeting, you know, and, um, and there was a lady there that gave me a different way of taking the 10 step. And she had this daily inventory. And so I started doing this daily imagery twice a day. And then we added meditation to it. And first it started with 10 minutes and started with, then it went to 20 minutes. And Then I got to 45 minutes every day, morning and night that I would do this, this inventory and I would check in and then I would pray and then I would meditate for a moment in time. And what ended up happening for me was that I was able to experience God's love in the moment, like in the moment of me having the circus mind, you know, I don't know if you guys have that, but I have a tendency to get ramped up with circus music and like something happens and all of a sudden I'm like, you know, and then it's like I'm off and running. So this inventory allowed me to kind of step back and have that restraint of tongue and pen and really reel back and get into a place of being humble and seeing that God actually has something in store for me. I don't know what it is, and I don' t know where I'm going, but I know that I'm gong somewhere good, right? So I had to get back into that place, and as that started to unfold for me, it became a different relationship that I was having with my higher power. It was more or less let me have the experience, right, rather than just the prayer, you know? And I could like focus on my breathing and the meditation and stuff, but now it's like can I really get into each moment for what it is without looking at anything else? And can I experience where I can see my God in everything and in everyone, you know, and it's taken me a few years to get to that place because here it says, they talk about the practice. Meditation is something we can always, which can always be further developed. It has no boundaries either of width or height. It is essentially an individual adventure, something each one of us works out in his own way. So that means like I actually have to continue to practice these things, right? I have to continue to show up and try something new. You know, 17 years of working with that same sponsor, I got to a place where I felt like, is this it? Is this all that's left? And because I had met her on my second day of sobriety, there was a level of, how do I say, not obligation, but I just felt like there was certain level of loyalty, right? Like if she might be hurt if I let her go. And so what I did was I just started praying and every morning I would pray and I would meditate And I would ask God for, for if there is a woman out there that is supposed to sponsor me, please let our paths cross and please let me know it when I see her. Right. And so I did this prayer for two years, every morning and every night. And it was in my daily inventory and, you know, and I believe that, you know, prayers go up and blessings come down and, and, um, God, uh, my higher power puts people in my path. And it's kind of like, it was kind of like when I first got sober, it was like the right person at the right time with the right message. Right. And that, that actually healed, peeled my whole human condition back and spoke to my heart. And, um, so I had been praying this prayer for two years and then I had gotten asked to speak at a NCCAA, uh, yeah, NCCA conference in Northern California. And, and I was the young people speaker cause I got sober at 21. And so then I met this lady and, um. And I met Jane and it was like, it was just amazing to talk to her. And then when I, when I heard her speak, it was like she split the room and was talking directly to me. And, and I hadn't had that experience since my first sponsor. And so it was, like, God was like, hey, Tiombe, that's her. That's her, you know, get her number, you know? And so, so I got her number. And, at first we just kind of just started to get to know each other and talk a little bit. And I really dug the level of her spirituality. and so what ended up happening was you know um i i've dabbled in a lot of spiritual paths let me just say it like this because i am a seeker so i've been to temples i've Been to mosques i've walked on labyrinths i've done you know hugging the redwood trees and the santa cruz mountains like if somebody has you know i've made little palm crosses in the greek orthodox church like well, whoever is inviting me somewhere I'm going. Right. Because what I know is, is that there is a God out there and I'm not it. And you know, whatever it is, I just need to continue to seek. And so, so it was so crazy. So I had one of the meetings that I attended, um, it was at a Catholic church. And then there was this like little novena, uh, charm and was a Padre Pio St. Padre. So I started doing that. and um and I'm like okay if this woman is supposed to be you know my sponsor God just like I'm a dunce like make it really clear and so I did this novena and you know uh she ended up calling me one day and she was like hey Tiame you're kind of on my heart today what's going on how are you and I just started crying right because like you know God really shows up when we need him and he's never on time I mean he's ever late we're the ones that are not on time right and so so I just kind of started crying and I started telling her everything that I was feeling and and that I know that I needed something different and I and I really believe that if we don't go within we go without and I'm so devastated that I spent so many years going without like just not taking a drink that's not the kind of life that I want to live right like I want to be, I want to have a clear mind and a happy heart and the way, the only way that I get it is really in 10, 11, and 12 right? So with 11 it was like we dove into 11 and it has been so like my shoulders are no longer at my ears my edges have softened I'm not so quick to cuss people out like I want to be the kind of person that is in the likeness of my own creator like and I really want that today like I want to be a lady you know I want to be these things and you know before you couldn't tell me that I was I was a woman you know i had that kind of i'm a woman i'm abroad you know and and today i want to be a lady so i know that the more that i dive into this you know in here it says we discover that we do receive guidance for our lives to just about the extent that we stop making demands upon god to give it to us on our order and on our terms almost any experienced aa will tell how his affairs have take remarkable and expected turns for the better as he tried to improve his conscious contact with god he will also report that ever out of every season season of grief or suffering when the hand of god seems heavy or even unjust new lessons for living were learned new resources of courage were uncovered and that finally inescapably his the convention came that god does move in mysterious ways his wonders to perform and so and so um you know that's where i'm at today and what's happened is is a few years ago i i and this is how do i say this i believe that we will continue to go through the lesson until the lesson is learned and so about four years ago i had i had some medical stuff happening with me and it was like freaking me out and and i was like writing inventories and i'm trying to pray but i couldn't get my mind to be quiet and and but i wasn't trusting like i was doing everything that i was supposed to be doing but i Wasn't trusting and this is what what i really like about the unshakable foundation for life. And so what happened was, is that I went through a lot of emotional pain and, and everything and ended up having surgery and it was kind of wacky and whatever, but I stayed sober through it. And I remember telling myself, I never want to be like this again. Like if I ever have to go through something else, I really want to trust and feel safe in my higher power like i just i can't i don't think i have it in me and so i would often reflect on this and in step 11 where it talks about the direction the direct linkage among self-examination meditation and prayer so the deeper that i got into those daily inventories and they're coming out of the big book and here it says be quick to see where religious people are right a lot of people quote that but they forget the next sentence make use of what they have to offer and so I started I started doing a lot of different work again you know I'm a seeker and so i started making use of what the religious people had to had to offer and the more that i was making useof it what happened was things that i would go through it wouldn't even feel like i was going for one it was like yeah okay i got this like you know god's here like whatever's gonna be will be and i that used to piss me off when i would hear people in meetings say that I'd be like, God, there's no emotion. Like who wants to not be connected, you know, and all of that stuff. And so, you Know what you judge you become just want to tell you that. So what ended up happening was last month, I had some physical problems. And I called my doctor and, and so I was telling her what was going on. And then I had a workup and all this other stuff. And, and she said, okay, Tiombe, you know, it might be cancer. So let's, let's do a biopsy. So she scheduled my biopzy. And what came back to my mind was the unshakable foundation for life. Like we get sober, and we do the work, we can walk through anything with God's guidance, right? And so I just started praying, I started doing my, you Know, I've never stopped writing every day. I write in the morning and I write at night and just check in because I want to be able to walk in anywhere or start my day with God and walk with God throughout the day. And so when she told me that I had to have this biopsy, I was like, okay, you know, fine. Let's, you know we'll schedule it. So we scheduled it. And then I came home and then I was telling my other half you know and he looks and he is like worried right and I'm like it's just a biopsy right and then I walk away and I am like oh my god like I am not going to I am not worried about it so I just continue to pray and I continue to meditate and really ask God like it is one of those allow release and let go right like if I could just allow God to be in my life. And if I can release my human condition, and I can release Tianbei, then I can let everything go and the results will be his. And so I, I sat for a week until the biopsy came back. And she called me and I do not have uterine cancer, you know, and i just got that call a few days ago. And So, you know, it's like, and then she says, Well, we don't know what it is, but we'll figure it out. And I said, okay, that's cool, you know? And so how amazing is it that, you know, I really, I really trusted God this time, you know, and, and sometimes I could just kick myself in the face for not doing it sooner, you know? So I, I just really, I'm just amazed at Alcoholics Anonymous. I cannot share how much that um through all this walk that I've had like that I'm still here you know I'm 46 years old you know. I told Teresa I got a fan because now I'm starting to get hot flashes and the last time I spoke I ended up having a hot flash at like I and then I was fanning myself with a DMV bill Like it was just crazy. And she said, Tiame, you need to go get you a fan. So I went and got me a fan. But it's like, I never knew that I would ever grow up in Alcoholics Anonymous. I never knew that i would live this type of life. And it is as a direct result of being um being willing, you know, really being willing to take a look at the things that need to be changed in me and stop looking at what needs to be changed in you. You know, and then getting into the meditation and asking, okay, so God, what do you want me to do today? How do you want me To live my life, you know, and, and I do want to be kind, I do want to Be loving. I don't want people to fear me anymore. You know, when I spent a lot of years enjoying that, and and I don t enjoy that today, you know, I just want to b a person that can that can love peopl in spite of their personality. You know, because there's a lot o people out there that do that for me, you know i know i'm an acquired taste um because i can get a little nutty but i i do want to share this really fast um because I did go through this and I think that um I think it's really it's important about the conversation of the unshakable foundation for life it says all all this should be very encouraging news for those who recoil from prayer because they do not believe in it or because they feel themselves cut off from God's help and direction. All of us, without exception, pass through times where we can pray only with the greatest exertion of will. Occasionally, we go even further than this. We are seized with a rebellion so sickening that we simply won't pray. When these things happen, we should not think too ill of ourselves. We should simply resume as we should simply resume prayer as soon as we can doing what we know to be good for us. And, you know, so there were times that I didn't pray, but I kept, I kept the, the active self-examination because that was very key for me and really seeing the things that I needed to change about me and and more or have different action you know my old sponsor used to tell me tiame uh the first thing that comes to your mind don't do that go for number 11 you know she could let 10 thoughts pass through and then your 11th thought then that's what you should uh take a jump on so you know and i still do that because a lot of times you know my first thought is not um being loving you know i'm an alcoholic i'm defiant by nature so um but i do want to read something you know I uh and this really made a lot of sense i'm sorry i love the literature um okay so it says step 11 can keep us growing if we try hard and continue and work at it continually this is aa approved literature it is the language of the heart um as he goes along with his process of prayer he begins to add up results if he persists he will almost surely find more serenity more tolerance less fear and less anger he will acquire a quiet courage that does the kind that doesn't strain him he can look at so-called failure and success for what they really are problems and calamity will begin to mean instruction instead of destruction he will feel freer and saner that's me that's totally me it says his sense of purpose and of direction will increase his tensions and anxiety will commence to fade and that's really where i'm at today so it says when he has to deal with hard circumstances he can face them and accept them he can now accept himself and the world around him he can do this because he now accepts a God who is all and who loves all. Thank you for 12-stepping me. Can you hear me? Oh, hi. Did you hear all of it already? No. Oh, I am Kashia. I'm not a phallic. Thank you, Tianbei, so much for your care. It was so good to hear you. I would love to know more about your morning and your evening like what you do with the writing and the praying and the meditating if you could go a little more into that okay so the morning that it's the morning writing that I do do because I am a person that I, how do I say this? My mind wakes me up before I wake up. So there's a lot of stuff already there and it's like a lot OF CHAOS. So the writing that I do is a fear inventory. And I'm basically writing every single thought that I have. And it's like, I have fear, you know, I HAVE FEAR THAT I WON'T BE ABLE TO CARRY THE MESSAGE today. I have fear that, you know, my boyfriend doesn't love me. I have fear like whatever is on my brain, right? And so I'm doing that. I write all that out. And and then as I continue that, then I asked God, please remove these fears for me. And I pray for the knowledge of your will for me and the power to carry that out and then I actually write everything that I need to be amended. So say, say in my nightly 10th step, you know, I was a little sharp with a lady at work, right. So then after I write the, uh, God, please remove my fears for me. I pray for the knowledge of your will for me and the power to carry that out. Then I write all the things that I need. I want to be amended. So I basically, so say it's her name is Danielle. So I say, you know, uh Danielle, uh my boyfriend, self clarity, my relationship with God wanting to feel safe with God. Right. And then I go into a meditation and my nightly is directly from the big book. so what i also do is that throughout the day i have like little sticky notes everywhere on my desk and as say something happens while i'm at work but i don't have the ability to bust out an inventory right then and there a spot check inventory then i just write whatever it is that irritated me like um i donno sarah was a bitch right so then you know i just put that and i might put like whatever hot button you know the reporting and then when I can take a break then I go into you know uh looking at myself like okay what was this about that pissed me off what was my part you know and then I can just kind of do like a real shorthand inventory and then at night I not only do the fear inventory but I actually take the questions from the big book on page 86 so I go through all those nine questions and then some of my meditations are guided I have different free apps because I'm cheap so I do free apps and then I have CDs and so that's how I do that Thank you Kishina, thank you Tionbe One of our monitors, Samantha has a question, come on up please Hi friends, I'm an alcoholic My name is Samantha and Tionba, thankyou so much I related so well to your story um and and to your pain and and your and your growth and it's inspiring but what i wanted to ask actually was when when you're working with someone today do you set up a like you know scheduling times with uh like to go through the book and that kind of thing do you keep it consistent yes all of so right now i have six sponsee and everybody is on a certain day, the same day, same time. And, and then, um, so I'll give you an example. So like I have somebody on Mondays, I have somebody on Tuesdays, I Have somebody on Wednesdays, got somebody on Thursdays. And then I actually broke up the Friday. So I have two people on Friday.So I work with one woman at 6am.And then the other woman I worked with in the evening. And so I have Saturdays free because my schedule with my sponsor is on Sundays. Okay, so um, now if your sponsees are, you know are they are they consistent most of them are yes and when they're not so when when they'RE NOT I actually let them be so um I used to not be like this I used to be like if you don't show up like deuces you can go find yourself somebody else to work with I already know what the big book says at peace you know and um and what I found is that when i became very rigid in my sponsorship um i ended up investing more in them that they were willing to do for themselves so today you know if i have a sponsee that flakes great i just go about my day and you know and if she calls if i had time then i'll pick up where we left off if not she'll have to wait till the following week and you Know when it comes to sponsorship you know um it's really a um for me it is about having an understanding and meeting people where they're at without judgment and um so I have had some sponsees that are kind of flaily don't want to take direction but I mean if we're two years in and this is continuing then at some point I'm going to let you go at somepoint I'm going to say you know you're utilizing me more as a part your support group versus sponsorship so i would love to remain a part of your support group and how about i help you find somebody else to work with because maybe i'm just doing a disservice and i'm not getting through to you right okay right thank you is it possible for you to put your email in the chat to either teresa or ali for me sure Thank you, Samantha. Next person is Constance. Come on up, please. Constance Thomas, going once, twice. Dana, come on up here. Constance? Okay, come one. All right. Hi, I couldn't unmute. I don't know why. I usually can unmute. hi I'm Constance alcoholic thank you so much for your beautiful share you fed me and thank you for using the literature that you used and reading from that and then talking about it um I love the literature and you answered my question question already which was you mentioned that you do the inventory every day so thank you thank you Thank You Constance Dina come on up please thanks Ali thanks to me for your sharing and in your story I'm I related with it and my question is I'm in very early sobriety like 91 days so I'm not on step 11 yet and I'm having to deal with a difficult situation where my mom has cancer and is not got very much time at all and I'm struggling to um try and stay connected and try and do the right things and try and stay sober so that I can be there for her and I m just wondering if you have any advice you can offer to me to help me you know spiritually like I am praying praying praying praying. And, you know, I'm trying my best to do everything so I can be there for her. But sometimes I feel like I'm falling short. So there was a prayer that I was given. Thank you so much. And I'm sorry to hear about your mother. There was a prayer that was given a long time ago. And the prayer goes, God, show me what you had in mind the day you made me. And, um, when, when I say that it puts me in a place where I'm able to just not only honor who I am, but, but how I can relate to say my mother. And I know I didn't get into this, but um, you know, my biological mother has recently came back in my life. And she is dying of cancer, she has a rare cancer. And, and saying that prayer has actually allowed me to see her as a child of God, and not judge what has happened in the past, because she just made a selfish decision, you know. So with you, I would believe that maybe saying that prayer might help and I'm so happy you have 91 days the best is yet to come for you you know just stick with it and do what you can you know a lot of times when like especially navigating this new relationship that I have with my biological mother there's times where um she'll call and I and I're not in a good space like to to have that conversation with her right because I don't walk on water. I am human and I do experience feelings. And so I've had to put a little bit of space, like maybe not return her call that day, but the next day return her called. And so maybe honoring yourself and balance how much you're giving to your mother, um, might help. I don't know if that helps you. I'm sorry. Thank you Dina, good to have you here my sister. Kim come on up brother. Hi there, hello Ali. God bless you. I'm an alcoholic and my name's Kim. I am gonna congratulate you zombie because you know you come into the program at 25 and by the grace of God here you're still sober mm-hmm in 1995 that's great I know I came in young too but I had more practicing and more experience than to do I guess it wasn't my time now step 11 I find there's a lot out of action for a a person to do in step 11 and i know that i know there's a prayer in step three god get and the step seven but the only prayer i see is the saint of france's prayer and in the 12 and 12th and which is such a great prayer now my question is how do you define when you're when it says in our big book that you know we're we're we're upset and uh and we agitated and we need to take it easy what used to be a hunch or occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind now what is that hunch or occasional inspiration, what would you think? What would that be? You know, usually a working part of the mind. I'm being inexperienced, Thombie. I am inexperience. And today I had that blow up in a parking lot. You know? It was hot and I'm stuck in a truck. And, you know, step 11 didn't even come to me. and I really like what you said when you're in them agitated moments go to one you know count right up to 11 and step 11 will do you find that step 11 we'll slow us down it will um it has for me and what's happened is in the moment like I've had to just stop like when and I don't care like I've been in situations where people were like yelling at me and, and I just looked at them. Like, it was like, I just, I can't say anything. And then I just started saying the serenity prayer. Right. And because that's what I was taught early on. So in those volatile moments or, you know, family members or, you know cause like the hardest thing to do is practice this thing with your family. Right. And so I've gotten into it with, uh, cousins and I've had to just walk away. Like I literally left one time because you know, my cousin started and then my aunt started and, and then I'm like, Hey, I don't think we need to do this. And then they turned in on me. Oh, you think you will. And when, you know? And, and so I just, I just went and got my keys. I wouldn't grab my purse and I walked away, you Know? and sometimes being, there's more silence and power. There's more power in silence, I mean to say. And so a lot of times if, you know, my sponsor says, you know, if you don't know what to do, just don't do anything. And for me, that is the St. Francis, you know, of Assisi prayer because I'm understanding them and I'm also understanding myself and that I don't need to say anything I just need to pause and and it's really when I know that I want to keep going like I feel like internally I want to go that's all ego it's all Ego that's you know edging God out you know and and God is nowhere in ego so I have to really bring that that beast in you know and um and allowed god to to take over thank you kim mr rico cruz come on up brother thank you ali good evening friends and family welcome newcomers my name is rico bruce i'm grateful for recovering thank you so much tiombre for coming man you know back where you were staying there for a while back there in Spanish Harlem where I'm from, after somebody like you speaks, we say go on y'all! And man, thank you for being here. The clarity with which you spoke and shared your experience, strength and hope to get sober that young and still be standing. I love you. Never seen you in my life. I love it. I want to thank you for sharing. I'm going to put Teresa on my resentment list because she should have called me and told me you was coming. see that's right we'll talk about that after the meeting i still love her too but thank you for sharing you remind me of my middle sister i got all sisters and no brothers you remind me my middle assistant so uh thank you from being who you are in this space and time i appreciate you. The best to you. Thank you, Rico. The floor is open. As a result of building this loving relationship with this higher power, how would you say you have developed a loving relationship with yourself? And what does that look like? And so, um, the loving relationship that I'm having with myself, it's kind of, it's, it kind of twofold. And, um. how do i i don't want to sound nice so i never had a bad relationship with food prior to getting sober and i found out um you know in the first 10 years of my sobriety i was eating a lot of my feelings you know even though i was writing and i was going to meetings and you know i was sponsoring people and I had service commitments and stuff, I, there would be times where I would be stressed out or I would be, um, I would feel inadequate or insecure and, and I would use food as that crutch. And, um. So I've gotten to a place where, you know, I started the more that I started to love God, not just in a God saved me from the bondage of self, but really have that experience with God. The more I started to Love Me and I'm down 57 pounds now, you know, and and I m under 200 which you know I joked around with a friend of mine and I said you can just call me Alice I live in Wonderland but that's kind of how you know um I look at food as nutrition to keep my body going not necessarily to be the answer for my emotional sobriety and and having that new freedom what's happened is you know I actually enjoy myself you know I give myself pedicures, you know, I take myself on walks, you know, i'm very honest about where i'm at. And i'm very transparent. And I used to hear people, you know, in meetings when I first got sober in San Jose, and they would say, you know, our goal is to live transparently. And, and I want to live transparently where I reflect on the outside how I feel on the inside. And so, um, it is a process and it's not like I'm running to the scale every five minutes, you know? Um, it's nothing like that. It's, you Know, I eat when I'm hungry, you know, I either right portion size, you Know, and generally I started praying before I eat and I used to do that as a kid, you know, and, and then I asked, you know, God, you know, Hey, when I'm, when I'm satisfied, please make it clear to me. And then I stop and I can walk away from the food. And so through, through that what's happened is I started going to the gym and it started with walks and stuff like that. And, and I figured out like, I actually like nature. You know, I was that kid was like, ain't doing dirt. Nope. That's not me. Hell no. And then after being homeless, it was like, Oh no, I don't do camping. I've been homeless. I don'T need to sleep in a tent you know and now you know i like the wind on my face i like the sun the sun rays you know and so um because i can feel god in those moments so i don't know if that answered your question but you made me cry yeah you did no uh fellowship is spirit email i'm gonna send it please send an email request to that email to be placed on our email list and then we can send you the link and send you that talks every week as well thank you so much Amy B hold on let me press unpause yeah there you go perfect oh my god I was recording the whole thing okay Amy B come on up please Amy from to Catherine's Ontario, alcoholic. Thank you, Tiambre. I related to a lot of your share. The part that I laughed at was the circus music. I often when I get into dramatic situations or there's a lot going on in my life or my head or with my children that I do, I play the circus music so I thought that was actually really amusing to me because I do that same thing um I actually very recently some time last week we did that same reading in a meeting and uh that's still something I very much need to work on is is strengthening relationships with other people in my life. I've been very good at like doing a fifth and I'll vomit out you know everything and all right it's all out there and then I don't go to my sponsor or go to my peers as much as I should be and I find that I still end up going back to old behaviors and keeping things within myself. I've recently moved to a new city and I'm still keeping my same connections and I have my children in my life again and my relationship with them seems to be going very well. I just wanted to know what kind of advice you would have in terms of strengthening relationships with others in just in general in my life you know if it's more more inner work or more just um being of service to others and you know what kind of balance there is in that so it's nice to meet you amy um so part of it i believe is being of service right and i and i have the uh the idea in my head where it says, you know, this is a sick man. How can I be of helpful to him? Right. And, and being a service in that aspect and what's happened with me over the years and developing personal relationships is I have to be really honest about where I'm at in that friendship or that relationship. and so what I found is is that when I'm having an open communication with say a friend of mine um and this happened last year there was some stuff that happened and you know it was like I needed to talk to her about something but I didn't want to set a different ball rolling so I kind of waited until she came to me about it and when I ended up talking to her about it what happened was it made us closer because I got to say yes I did know this but I didn't want to bring it to you because I was afraid of what you would and I didn'T know the actual result like you know how like when you when you come with somebody early and like it ends up not panning out the way that you thought it was going to because you jumped to conclusions right so I sat back on that and and then when when she asked me about it I shared what my opinion was and I was very honest with her and I told her how much I feared telling her and that actually she wasn't upset you know it actually brought us closer because I don't I don'T KNOW HOW TO COMMUNICATE THAT WELL Like, you know, like I really don't understand how he's still here, you know, Like that's an act of God. Right. You know, so, um, but I've been learning and this last, especially the last five years on how to just have that open dialogue and ask open ended questions and Hey, so what do you think of this? And this is how I'm thinking. And I don't know if, you know, this is right or, you know my thinking you know like but this is i'm feeling x y and z and i know that it's me but can we talk about it you know and and when you come at it from that point of view it allows the other person to feel valued in that friendship and then they're more open to even talking to you And being consistent in doing that is where the key is, because that's how we rebuild. I hope that helped. Thank you, Amy. Louisa, come on up, please. Hi, everyone. I'm an alcoholic. My name's Louisa. Good to be here. Hi, Tiambe. you're such a beautiful soul and thank you so much for sharing and i related with um a lot of your story a lot um and i'm still trying to learn how to be a lady as well um i am also have um i'm a seeker as well so i've you know um i guess looked at god in different religions and different ways in terms of spirituality and meditation. And I just wanted to ask if there was, besides our literature, if there's any books that you would recommend that were really helpful or are very helpful to you on your journey. Can I say that? Is that legal? Okay. That's why I'm getting in trouble. Sure is. There's a line in Step 11 that you quoted. Yep. Be quick to see where religious people are, right? Okay. I'm just making sure. I'm not making sure of this. Wouldn't have asked. Okay. So there's – so let me start with this. I love Father Richard Rohr. He has a slew of books. He's a Franciscan priest. He is absolutely amazing, and he finds value within all religion, even though he's a franciscan priest it's father richard roar he has um it's his last name roar r-o-h-r okay and he has like immortal diamond falling upward universal christ uh breathing underwater he he has a lot of books and so i love reading his books um i am an eckhart tolle fan so the power of now uh i am a deepak chopra fan there's a book that he has that's called uh power freedom and grace um and so i've read that uh and i really love like with deepak he comes from not only this the science point of view but he also comes from a spiritual point of view and then i have books on buddhism i have uh what else let me look what else i got it's not spiritually based uh drop the rock um is really good around six and seven and then they also have uh drop the rock the ripple effect which is step six and seven inside of ten so i do a lot of um i i love to read um now that i can comprehend what it is that i'm reading so um those are some of the books that i really really enjoy um deepak also has the seven seven spiritual laws of success that's another good book too thank you so much you're welcome Thank you, Louisa. Maria L., come on up, please. Hi, Tiombe. My name is Maria and I'm an alcoholic. I just wanted to say thank you for your story. And, you know, I was able to relate to you. You know, in my past, there was times when I wasn't ladylike. and you know um I used to carry that guilt with me um still even really the to the earlier part of this year and um I have the most amazing sponsor because she's taught me how to let go of that past and just to love who I am now um you know it's it's not who I Am Now and um I'm a completely different person now, and I've forgiven myself, and I'm helping, and i'm loving myself. It's forgiveness of self too, and yeah, I just wanted to say thank you. You reminded me of that today, so thank you for your share, and I really appreciate you. Thank you, Maria. Howard, come on up, brother. Howard S. Yeah, hi everybody. I'm Howard. I'm an alcoholic. Ali, Theresa and Piambi, thank you so much for the meeting. were talking about sponsorship and you know letting go and I I picked up my first sponsor II about maybe a year and three months ago and you know during this during this pandemic he decided to go with another sponsor and I'm having trouble in letting go a little bit because they are they are are with a they are with another sponsor right now and um you know he's still uh calling me which is fine because we did have we did Have A Good Friendship but um uh I'm trying to more let go of him because he's calling and talking with me still about the program when I really think that he should be going to his new sponsor so I'm just wondering can you give me any you know I still want to remain friends with him and you know be you know because he's a fellow alcoholic and I want to you know stay friends and you help him but I don't want to interfere with the relationship that he's having with uh his new sponsors so can you get me a little bit of advice of you know how to divide the line there a little bit so first thank you Howard it's nice to meet you the first thing that I would say would be that you definitely need to go to God in prayer go to your higher power and ask for the right thought word and action when it comes to um speaking with him because I I do that with my sponsees like um before I meet with them I actually say a prayer so they're actually getting what what God has in store for them rather than myself and so I think that if um if you come at it from that point of view what will happen is you will naturally start to let go and so like in this situation with my very first sponsor you know with her relapse and then you know we kept meeting every Sunday because that's what we did what ended up happening was when she was ready to come back i 12 stepped her back she detoxed on my couch and i sponsored her until she was able to find somebody else to sponsor right that would sponsor her but we've never lost our connection like we still talk once or twice a week there's zoom meetings that because she's in the santa cruz mountains and so there's Zoom meetings that we attend together. And so there's that connection, that there's just certain bonds within Alcoholics Anonymous that can never be broken. Even your own personality won't allow you to break it because that bond is there. So with him, I would definitely pray, but then I would say, hey, this might be something you want to take to your sponsor. I would love to hear it but also check in with your sponsor to see what your sponsor has to say about that because i don't want to be of disservice to you you know and when you when you come at it that way he knows that you're still there to support him but you're also respecting the value that his his current sponsor has in his life or that position not saying we're on a hierarchy but that's the only way that i could describe it because you know we don't wanna step on the toes of our fellows right like I never want to um I never wanted to to step on somebody else so I'll give you an example and I think she might even be on this call tonight um there was a woman that I met in a zoom meeting and and and she was about seven years and she was just kind of nutty right and she was just in need of help and so I have reached out to her and I gave her my number. And so she would just call me here and there. And she was like, you know, Tiombe, I really feel like I need to work steps with you. And I said, well, you might want to just check in with God to see what that looks like. But if you want to talk to me about spiritual stuff, you can call me anytime. We can set up a time and we just talk about spiritual staff and I help you on your spiritual path, whatever that looks like for you. And so that's what we did. And we did that for a few months. And then she ended up wanting to transition over to me, but she has not lost that connection with her current or with her last sponsor. They still talk, you know? And so it's kind of that attitude of, it takes a village, right? Like it takes the village to, to help people. And so yeah, I would just, you Know, honor yourself in that way and just have that conversation with them, but definitely, you Now, just tell them, check in with your sponsor, just in case. You know, I don't want to step on any toes but, you know, that you're still there for him. I hope that helps. Thank you, Howard. Brother Calvin, come on up, man. How are you doing, Ali? You know it's good to see you. No doubt, man, good to see you, you know, and Teresa too, you too, and Shalama and Rico, you know, And I think about, you know, I can't wait until Tuesday night to come to see you guys. You know what I'm saying? So it's great. John, and what a powerful message you brought tonight. You know, and you took me back to when I first got sober. When we came in, and we came to a little place in New Brunswick called the Shreddery House. And people was dead honest. And that's what I felt from you tonight. And I had two powerful women's talk today. I heard Candace talk earlier at lunchtime, and then tonight I had a chance to hear you. And I mean, and to hear two strong women share their experience, strength and hope is amazing. And I'm not going to say too much, but I was just thinking about how tonight my, and I know sometimes she gets probably mad at me, but my daughter is on the line and my wife's on theline. And I think about how God has blessed my family, has blessed my family through a lot of prayers and meditation. And the people who prayed for me to get here. For the people who prayed for me to get here. So thank you for letting me share guys. Thank you, Calvin. Good to hear you, buddy. Nobody's got a question. The door is open for you. No, because i've heard a couple people mention a few times of coming in so young right i came in at 24 you came in 21. so i wondered if you would talk a little bit about how you've grown up right in the program and what was that like for you coming in young and what that experience was and what is the advantage sometimes i think it is an advantage of coming so young people think we haven't drank enough but really there's an advantage so i thought you would share for those who are there's a lot of young people uh here that attend and maybe you can share some of that experience to help those young folks um i did not do it gracefully let me start off with that um i got into a lot fist fights um i I got bailed out of jail twice. My first sponsor had to bail me out because I got into a lot of fights and I would like get into fights over like the cookie commitment. Like somebody would volunteer, tell me that I was the cookie person for this meeting and I didn't have a lot of money. And you know, this guy would always talk about how he complained about the cookies and he didn't like the cookies I was bringing. And one day I just walked over to him and I socked him in the face, you know, and they were like, Tia may know, you know. And so I had a lot of bad behavior, but the one thing, you know, that wasn't around back then was this cancel culture, you know, where you do something wrong, you make a mistake and, you know, people are ready to off you for the rest of your life. And, and I'm really grateful that, um, that people didn't, they didn't count me out. They looked at me as a, as another alcoholic and that I needed a little bit more help. And they would say some people are sicker than others and they would all look at me, you know? And so, but, but I learned, I learned how to write checks. This is back when we were writing checks. You know, I learn how to right checks. I learned how to balance my checkbook, you know, and it was very like C-spot run. You know, I had, you Know, my very first sponsor, she was like, Okay, Tianbei, we might want to change your clothing, like, your skirts don't need to be so short, you know, so let's go shopping. And so we would go to Goodwill, and we would go to the, you know, the thrift store, and we would go to the san jose flea market and and we would go shopping and you know in the summer we would go get me like little sun dresses and you know and she taught me how to dress you know and she said you know women when you're in a meeting tiombe you don't sit with your legs open you know you don't constantly get up and get coffee you get coffee before the meeting you need to smoke you smoke before the meet you need use bathroom use bathroom before the meeting you know and you sit the entire time in the meeting and you pay attention, turn your pager off. You know, we're not doing any of that. And so it was, it was those types of lessons that I learned. And then they would say, you know, make sure you show up for the meeting before the meeting and you got to get to the meeting 10 minutes or 15 minutes before. And what I learned by doing that, I learned how to be on time for my job when I got a job, you Know, and, and I treated my job like a meeting, you Now, and so I would go to work and I would say good morning and then I would sit at a desk or when I was, you know, a janitor and then i would go and clean toilets but I wouldn't talk to anybody because you know in AA we don't talk people while the meeting is going so I felt like you don't talk while you're at work. And what's so funny is I'm still like that today. You know I you know at my job I'm an accounting assistant and you know I go to work and I work on my spreadsheets I do all my you know operations my accounting, you know, and all of that. And I'm not there to make friends. You know, I speak, I say good morning, I keep it business, but I'm in my cubicle. You Know, I'm there, they're, they're paying me for eight hours, I do eight hours of work. And so that's kind of the those types of things are the things that I learned from Alcoholics Anonymous, how to be an employee, you know how to Be a daughter and, you Know, and I had, you Now, because my, my dad wanted nothing to do with me for the first five and a half years of my sobriety, you know it was the older men in AA that really took me in as like a daughter and as a sister. So they actually taught me, you know how it is to be a kid and I was around their children and I used to see how you know they would interact with their daughters or their sons and how their kids would you know talk to them and so it was through those friendships that I learned how to actually speak to my father you know when he did come back and um so it Was difficult you know because there was a lot of older people that you know said oh I spilled more than you drank and you know all that stuff and I used to tell him yeah you shouldn't have you know drank so much and should have spilled so much then I wouldn't be here you know but um I feel like you know some people say it's a disadvantage getting sober young, because you really, you know, didn't get to experience a lot. But what I feel like is that I experienced what I needed to experience to see that I am a, I suffer from the disease of alcoholism, you Know, and it was enough for me. And so I never thought I'd still be here. Literally thought, because they said, You know, give us a year. And if your life hasn't changed you know we'll refund your misery and uh yeah and I hit a year and I and I liked what I was getting and then I wanted 10 and then i was like oh at 15 i was like damn i ain't going nowhere this is crazy and when i hit 25 it was like i'm amazed this is the longest relationship that i've had with anything in my life, and I'm very grateful for it.