Step 10 Inventory: Stop the Deliberate Manufacture of Misery – Tom W.
About This Speaker Tape
A seasoned member of both AA and Al-Anon shares how the principles of recovery apply to living with — and loving — alcoholics and addicts. Speaking at a Las Vegas conference in December 2012, he draws heavily on the wisdom of Blanche, an Al-Anon mentor from Texas whose cassette tapes he listened to dozens of times. He explores how denial operates when we are emotionally entangled with someone, why parents often cannot help their own children, and how worry masquerades as intimacy and action when it is really just wasted energy.
The talk is built around Al-Anon slogans — HALT, WAIT, Live and Let Live, Keep It Simple, Easy Does It, First Things First, Let Go and Let Higher Power — but each one is illustrated with vivid personal stories rather than abstract teaching. He recounts a grueling election day where hunger and anger nearly led him to shove an elderly woman down the stairs, a moment saved only by the slogan "I'll be right back." He tells the devastating story of Peggy, a fearless nurse who died of HIV from a needle stick, and how he was too busy to visit her before she died — a permanent lesson in putting people first.
He describes the progression from thinking in his 40s that he could handle being hungry or angry alone, to realizing in his 50s and 60s that any single HALT condition makes him dangerous and stupid. He talks about the trap of busyness as armor against criticism, the futility of nagging, and the radical simplicity of prayers that are just "help" in the morning and "thank you" at night.
The talk culminates in an extended gorilla metaphor for alcoholism: you are not done dancing until the gorilla is done dancing. For those who love alcoholics, the Al-Anon program comes down to staying out of the cage — no vacuuming, no rearranging furniture, no getting between the gorilla and the person you love. The audience laughs hard at the dark humor throughout, from plotting perfect murders at an Al-Anon meeting called "What Would You Do With the Body" to a desk sign that simply reads "tomorrow" — sparing household members one more day.
Topics
Timestamps
Full Transcript
I heard this interchange once little boy says to his father daddy when I grow up
I want to be an alcoholic and daddy responded son you cannot do both
and I think the work of the steps has an awful lot to do with growing up
coming into a maturity...
I want to be an alcoholic and daddy responded son you cannot do both
and I think the work of the steps has an awful lot to do with growing up
coming into a maturity...
I heard this interchange once little boy says to his father daddy when I grow up
I want to be an alcoholic and daddy responded son you cannot do both
and I think the work of the steps has an awful lot to do with growing up
coming into a maturity into an adulthood spiritually and emotionally mentally thinking
like adults no longer reacting and overreacting like some very unhappy spoiled children
when I started
going to
some
Al-Anon because I was in pain. One of the women who mentored me by tape, by cassette tape, was Blanche
from Salada, Texas. And Blanche died in 2000, much too early in a freak accident. But I was given one
of her tapes and Blanche was an English teacher and she was from northern Florida and then married
to Texan, went to Baylor, spent her years in Texas, and became as crazy as you can be married to an
alcoholic. Full of secrets, full of control, full of fear. Someone asked about untreated Al-Anon-ism.
Control, fear, anxiety, rage, exhaustion, grief.
So,
she did something. Her father was a bad drunken. She did something that a lot of people do.
You know, Claudia Black says, it will never happen to me. I will never become like that.
Blanche said, I will never marry an alcoholic. So, at Baylor, which is kind of like a big Baptist
convent, not a lot of drinking happens on the campus of Baylor University. And she
found a job at a big Baptist convent. And she found a job at a big Baptist convent. And she found a job at a big Baptist convent.
And she found this handsome boy there and they married. And he didn't have a drink until they were married a couple years.
He had never had a drink in his life. And if she had met a boy who was drinking, she just would never talk to him again.
And you do that Al-Anon sniff test. You hug him and go, you know, you smell. I've done that with a couple of sponsees.
You just kind of sniff in.
And I,
I will confess to you that if I'm emotionally involved with you on any level, I go into denial.
I have, we had a fellow staying with us for a while in Oakland and, and he was falling down drunk and I didn't even notice.
I died. Oh, you, you need a meeting. That's what you need. And I drove him to a meeting and I never noticed he was full of booze.
And I dropped him off at the meeting and came back to my house and a couple of people who were not tied up in his crazy were, I said,
why are you bringing me? He's drunk, Tom. I said, he is.
Well, I could not have been more shocked. So one of the, the things that seems to be operative is if I have an emotional relationship with you, I do go blind.
There's stuff I don't see.
And it also seems to be a rule. If you're dealing with family members, there's very little you can do.
Parents can't help their kids. Now that's not fair, but parents can't help their kids. Parents can help someone else's kids.
This was true. Even when I was growing up, I found my own parents impossible for a hundred different reasons,
but parents of my friends, I could talk to about anything, all the great things that,
but,
to my own parents, there was nothing to say.
I was quite surprised years later to found out that some of my friends went and talked to my father
about stuff. I said, well, what, what do they have to say? You know, I was just flabbergasted that that man had anything to say to anybody.
But, but if it's not your kid, you can deal with it.
And the people who do any kind of work with Alateen,
are doing great work.
And,
because kids need to have some safe adults to talk to who aren't crazy,
and who are safe.
I met one of my pals is a Tom and Joan. They're a couple on the California coast, and they've been married almost 60 years now, I think.
But Joan,
she wasn't,
she wasn't going to marry any boy that drank either, and she did that sniffing test, and she observed, and then she met Tom, and he was really cute and funny, and they got married.
And he didn't smell of alcohol. She found out a few years later that the reason he didn't smell of alcohol was he was using heroin.
And Al-Anon has saved her life, and it saved his more than once.
Yeah.
Anger becomes part of the Al-Anon thing. I get mad. I get mad when I'm surrounded by fools.
So you can imagine what it's like in some AA meetings. You just get mad.
And I have to learn a couple of adult principles, and one of the adult principles is live and let live.
Live and let live.
And,
sigh,
sigh,
that means you get to do stuff.
You get to do stuff, including making mistakes.
And I get to do stuff, including making mistakes.
Live and let live.
Blanche, in the tape, I must have listened to 20 or 30 times,
said growing up in northern Florida, she learned things that just were not true.
And one of the things she learned as a little girl was what you don't know can't hurt you.
Yeah.
And she said, listen, what I did not know about alcoholism almost killed four people.
And one of the things she had to do as her husband got into recovery was learn about this disease.
Ignorance is not bliss.
And being able to talk about it without hype and without scare tactics and without a lot of other stuff is a great help.
Out in California, they used to have people come into the school.
To try to scare kids.
Kids don't scare.
Alcoholics don't scare.
But sharing information is real helpful.
And I find the programs, AA, Al-Anon, the other 12-step programs, we are friends, companions, and allies.
We are not the enemy and we are not the opposition.
But learning how to be friends.
And companions and allies.
Is a lot of grown-up stuff.
Blanche also learned as a little girl.
God helps those who help themselves.
And she said, that's not true.
You know, God helps those who ask.
And what I need to do is remember to ask.
I don't always do that.
I don't always do that.
There's some stuff in me that tells me what I should do is, first of all, don't ask for help.
You should be able to figure this out by yourself.
If there's difficulties, keep it to yourself.
Don't worry other people.
And try harder.
All of those will kill you.
Thank you.
and in recovery it is
a great gift to be able to know what's going on
know what you know
know what's going on
being able to talk about it
simply
without blaming a lot of people
and asking for help
asking God for help
asking other people for help
remembering to breathe
and to walk through things
Blanche said
in Al-Anon
we learn how to keep our sails
out of other people's wind
I like that image a lot
because I can get very much
caught up in other people's stuff
and a lot of stuff is none of my business
and a lot of stuff is none of my business
and a lot of stuff is none of my business
and a lot of stuff is none of my business
we use this in AA
it's also used a lot in Al-Anon
HALT!
don't get too hungry
don't get too angry
don't get too lonely
don't get too tired
when I was in my 40s
I said well that's a very important thing
and I'll keep an eye on it
and if I was too hungry
too angry
too lonely
or too tired
I'd think about it
I'd think about it
I'd think about it
which is my first choice
about anything
think about it
let me go to my room by myself
and think about it
and I think for a while
I believed that if I was too hungry
I could handle that
that's not a problem yet
too hungry
too angry
okay that's getting more complicated
but I can handle that
hungry, angry, lonely
we're getting into difficulty
if all four of them are operating
I need to take action
I need to take action
and in my 50s and 60s
what I'm very aware of is
any one of them makes me dangerous and stupid
and some of the most spiritual work I do
in the course of a day
is paying attention to the too hungry
too angry
too lonely
too tired
and they sneak up
catch me by surprise
halt
I also heard this
at an hour and a half ago
at an Al-Anon meeting
W-A-I-T
or
why am I talking
and you might pay special attention to that
for those of you who have children
especially adult children
why are
stop with the advice giving
when I was teaching
I
this poor mom came to see me
and
single mom
with a jerk as a 15 year old son
he was a real jerk
and mom was
holding down two jobs
and raising him
and I think there was another couple kids
parent teachers night
she comes in
and she comes in
exhausted
so we just talked a little bit
and of course she's worried about her kids
worry
we'll get back to worry
and she's worried about her kids
and she keeps
nagging and nagging
and nagging and nagging
my kids tell me
I nag them all the time
and I said
do you
and she said
I'm just trying to help
and I said
I recognize you
I have a mother just like you
can I give you a little feedback
she said sure
I said
I stopped listening to my mother
when I was 12 years old
so she just started shouting louder
and it just got worse
I said you could just
stop
talking to your children
and you'll get along with them much better
she thought I was kidding
it's already such a mess
let it be
ask God for help
now worry
I used to think that worry
was taking action
I also used to think
that worry was intimacy
that I was really worried about you
we're very close
can't eat
can't sleep
I'm so worried
we must be very close
I'm so worried
and it was the proof of friendship
it was the proof of all kinds of things
and what I've discovered as an older person
is worry doesn't help anybody
and when I'm in my right mind
I do not worry
and I do not see it
worry as taking positive action
I see it as wasting energy
I don't have
sometimes
for those of us who worry
we pray
have you ever prayed like this
oh God
everything's a big mess
I know you don't understand it
and so I'm going to explain it to you
and then I'm going to tell you
how to solve it
because I want you to do this
and do that
and do that
and that's my prayer
may I suggest that
that's not a very effective prayer
sometimes a perfectly appropriate prayer
is just the word
help
one of my friends
was a single mom
with no resources at all
and a lot of trouble and woe
newly sober
and she said
all she could do in the morning
the only prayer she could make
was help me, help me, help me, help me, help me
and after a while
in the evening
she was able to say
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
and that was her prayer for a long time
and she said
that kind of prayer opens doors
one of my sisters-in-law
is from a different religious tradition than mine
she has a wonderful imagination
and we talk about things
and she thinks outside my box
I mean it's very helpful
to talk to someone
who's from a different background
because you can see sometimes
differently
and that can save lives
and one of the things
one of the prayers that she would do
she visualized the higher power as light
and then she would take the person
she was worried about
in the palms of her hands
and hold them in the light
visualize this
she wouldn't use any words
well I use that prayer sometimes
tomorrow night's the first night of Hanukkah
happy Hanukkah
and the first prayer for the
first night of Hanukkah is
oh God
your first commandment was
let there be light
and then it says some more things
but I like that
light coming into a darkened world
a violent, darkened, cold world
bring light
light
I cannot fixate
fix me
and I sure can't fix you
Al-Anon slogans
I do some election work
I did in this last election
but I like being involved in the community
my dad was involved in the community
on a couple of things
so I'm one of those people
that gets ballots
and sets up the precinct
and runs the precinct
and at the end of the day
brings all the stuff in
I've been doing that for
20 or 25 years
and you meet the neighbors
and it's a way of participating
in the city
and I like being the inspector
a bit of control and power
and in 92
my election board
we were in a
in a senior citizen center
in Oakland
right near the Grand Lake Theater
and a number of the seniors
needed some assistance
which I'm happy to do
and some had trouble
with their writing
or their vision
and I would help out
and help out
but you become pretty attuned
to older people
I was there for several elections
I'm there
and three others were there with me
the election board
and
my board
one was very old
kept falling asleep
one was crazy
kept talking about
the end of the world
and just
judgment
not very helpful
and the third had a disability
and couldn't use her hands
to deal with paper
and she was smoking all the time
that was my election board
and we were using punch cards
and chads and so forth
so it was
so I was
it was a long day
and usually in the course
of that very very long day
you take a break
every couple of hours
you can go and get a cup of coffee
or a sandwich
then come back
but it became clear to me
I couldn't
leave the precinct
because
I really was
the only
competent person there
and this is a big deal
it's a presidential election
so I didn't eat
this is the hungry angry
I didn't eat
I was angry
and I sure was
by about 4 p.m.
I was dangerous
and more and more people
are coming in
and this lady came in
she was a woman
of a certain age
she hadn't been having
a good day
and I don't think
she'd been having a good day
for about 20 years
and she came in
and she snarled
that's how she began
I met her at the place
and she wanted her ballot
and there were a few other things
she was full of demands
and I've been there
for about
oh 10 hours
and I haven't had lunch
and I have no blood sugar
and I'm done
and my first response
and this is the response
of an untreated Al-Anon
is just to shove her
down the stairs
it doesn't leave any marks
and if it's quick
and no one sees
you know
old people fall down
all the time
but instead
I used one of my favorite
Al-Anon slogans
and the slogan is
I said to her
I'll be right back
and I backed off
because she was toxic
capital T
and I was toxic
small T
ready to explode
backed off
and I walked over
I breathed a little bit
there was some orange juice
and I got some orange juice
there was some blood sugar
I breathed
and I asked God for help
about three minutes off
a little pause
then I came back
and I said to her
let's get your ballot
I live in a community
in Oakland
and one of our
one of the brothers
isn't as easy
to live with
as the others
and he will have
little breakdowns
and throw tantrums
he's only 62
and I said
I'll be right back
and in the last one
something happened
and it makes no difference
what it was
but he was just
he flew off the handle
and again I noticed
how close is he to the stairs
that was my first check
and then
I said to myself
I'll be right back
and I just backed away from him
as if from a hot flame
because what I could have done
is respond
and an awful lot of
family misery
is created
not by the words used
but by the tone
of voice
that's used
and I had nothing good
to say to him
at that moment
and the next day
we connected
and we could have
a conversation
but I
the line in the book
that was read
at the start
of the last section
I think is on page
133
it's a great line
it's from the family afterwards
and it says
first paragraph
avoid
the deliberate manufacture
of misery
and sometimes in my recovery
when I'm miserable
I need to do an inventory
and it can be a real quick one
and I need to share that
with somebody
and I have to look at
what makes me miserable
and frequent
it's my own
bad behavior
so when the next election
came around
well
let's go back to that
one night
we had to take
the precinct
the booths down
and I needed
physically active people
and I called
two of my sponsees
and I said
I really need your help
are both of you sober
yes
well come on over
and
I had them
help me
clean up the precinct
and take things down
because
because
because
because
because
because
I couldn't have done it
by myself
and then I wrote a letter
to the precinct board
to the registrar voters
and I said
these three people
aren't very helpful
just so you know
and I'm more than willing
to help out
but we need people
who are cooperative
and helpful
and then I described
each one
you know
and I said
so there
and I sent it
I had one lady come in
older lady
with her daughter
and the older lady was blind
and she said
I need help
and I said
sure
how can I help you
with your ballot
and she said
her daughter was with her
and I said
your daughter can help you
if you like
and she said
my daughter's a democrat
and I don't trust her
and I said
and I said
well
okay
let's not suggest
family can't help you
with your counseling here
but I can
and she gave
you fill out her ballot
and you do what the voter wants
and you learn how to
to not overreact
or scold the daughter
you know
or any of those things
so
live
and let live
things take time
I want quick responses
and quick answers
and some things take a long time
I'm remembering
I've been up to Yosemite
a couple of times
and John Muir
will say
if you want to see
the face of God
come to Yosemite
and in the 19th century
a number of American
landscape artists
really wanted to see
believe they were painting
the face of God
when they planted
the prairies
and the mountains
and the deserts
wonderful to see
thinking like that
Al-Anon's slogan
keep it simple
my brain can be tied in knots
and I can think in equations
you know like
if
this
if
that
if
this
, if
that
then
you're wasting your time
if there's more than one
if
it's not going to happen
it's just not going to happen
but I can get very anxious
about the future
but I want to keep it simple
I can over
do a lot of things
I want to keep it simple
my tendency is to be very busy
all the time
my folks got
married in 1936
1934
they ran off to Las Vegas
got married on a Friday
and they were both back at work on Monday
because they both had jobs
1934
and one of the things
I picked up
was good people work
better people work more
so whenever I felt ashamed
or guilty or stupid
I would say
I'm going to work more
I'm going to work more
I worked more
and I had that all mixed up
with being busy too
if I'm always busy
no one can criticize me
and one of my ways
of being crazy
is to be so overly busy
and so overly tired
that I'm pathetic
and there's no joy
anywhere
I have to learn how to rest
in recovery
and enjoy things in recovery
and have a good time in recovery
work, love, play
back to that description
by Leonard the Shrink
keep it simple
easy does it
see I think I could force it
there's a great Peanuts cartoon
Lucy is talking to Charlie Brown
and Lucy says
how many times does five go into three
and Charlie Brown says
five doesn't go into three
and Lucy says
it does if you push
and there are some things
I just can't push
to back off
to let it be
let things take time
ask God for help
first things first
well
that's dumb
if I'd known that
I wouldn't have to go to meetings
you know
but first things are recovery
if I'm not in recovery
nothing's possible
first things first
some things are very important
and some things are not important
and I've learned this some with age
and also you learn this some with losses
in the late 80s
when AIDS first came through
the community
you'd see
someone on Monday
they looked okay
and the next Monday they were dead
boom
there were some very jumpy
narcotics anonymous meetings around town
and some very jumpy
AA meetings around town
and people full of fear
and anxiety
and you started learning
that we have today
today
today
and some things are real important
and some things aren't important at all
and I've learned this
there's been some hard lessons
one of my friends was Peggy
Peggy was a nurse
from New York
Peggy was tough
Peggy was an organizer
if the nurses ever wanted to elect someone
to negotiate with management
Peggy got elected
she was fearless
and she fought for her patients
and she was a
she didn't even weigh a hundred pounds
but she was one of the great souls
Peggy wanted the hospital
to have an AIDS ward
Peggy was in recovery
and the hospital didn't want to
because what would people say
if people with AIDS were in the hospital
I mean this is
it's how we thought
late 80s
and Peggy got the AIDS ward
going
and then the nurses went out on strike
for some other reason
and Peggy led them
and all of a sudden
all very exciting
anyway
Peggy got sick by a stab of the needle
and she did die of HIV
because of a needle stab
when the AIDS ward was full
it had been going a short time
and Peggy
paid attention to her patients
and she found out
that more than half of them were Catholic
so she went right to her desk
and called the Archbishop of San Francisco
and she said
Archbishop this is Peggy so and so
a lot of your people are down here
I think you should show up
and he was there the next day
so Peggy called me
and she was pretty sick
and I'd seen her
you know
I'd seen her
I'd seen
but it had been a couple of months
she was real sick
Tom can you come see me
and I said
you know
I'm so busy
and I opened the door
I opened my calendar
and this was a Tuesday
and I said
Peggy I can be there Saturday
well she is dead of course by Thursday
first things first
and what I have to remember
is people are first
not all the other crap I had on my calendar
well I'm supposed to you know
cut the lawn
and change the tires on the car
if you have a sick friend or family member
who calls and says
please can you see me
go see them
and I've learned
that lesson
first things first
means people come first
and some relationships come first
and it's more important
than a lot of other stuff
my dad always had the job come first
and I value that
and I think that's
frequently important
but people come first
I've learned that in Al-Anon
what I've also learned
is that people come first
what I've learned in Al-Anon
is this is an associated question
how important is it
some things are not important
when you've experienced some sickness
and some loss
and some death
this is life teaching you that
some things aren't important at all
and we can just
let go
in Al-Anon
we detach with love
and that means
we don't have to get sucked into the crazy
it aches
if someone you love
is in trauma
you want to do what you can
the hard fact is
a lot of times
there's not a lot we can do
some people work
real hard
at being sick and crazy
and they get to
and they get to
we talk about one day at a time
because this is what's real
for those of us who worry
there's a lot to worry about
you know
I pay special attention to the
disappearing glaciers
the glaciers
the glaciers
are disappearing
the polar bears are drowning
now what you know
and then
the world is ending of course
what a relief
you know
it would
it would be just fine with me
but someone has pointed out
that the Mayan calendar
is a circle
and that means that the Mayan calendar is a circle
and that means that the Mayan calendar is a circle
and that means
it keeps going
oh no
December 31st
now what
January 1st
but the day at a time is to be here
you know this
7th of December
Pearl Harbor Day
the day before Hanukkah
the first
Friday
of the first week of Advent
Northern Hemisphere
end of fall
beginning of winter
Las Vegas
conference
present
here
now
and it is
in the present
that we experience
the power greater than ourselves
the breathing in
and the breathing out
which is the
end of the year
experience of living things
one day at a time
now I can be a little bleak on that
I sometimes tell people
especially if I'm off
and the days are long
and I'm surrounded by fools
I'll say you know
I've learned to dread one day at a time
I just dread today
I don't have to dread tomorrow
and I'm not going to dread tomorrow
and I'm not going to dread tomorrow
and I don't have to worry about tomorrow
I just worry today
like a dog worries a bone
and I stay focused in the present
and nothing's right
that works for me
anger is a big part
of Al-Anon too
a lot of us are angry
you get angry when your needs
aren't met
and if you love alcoholics
and addicts there's a lot of needs
that don't get met
someone
they wrote an essay
and in the essay said that in
alcoholic families, crazy families
drama
takes the place
of where the love used to be
and in some of our families
there's an awful lot of drama
emergency rooms, police
firemen, helicopters
and people who don't know what's going on
and they don't know what's going on
and they don't know what's going on
and someone responded
well if you were really spiritual
you wouldn't be angry
and I said that's so helpful
I get angry
and the program tells me
what to do with the anger
I've got to do something
I've got to ask God for help
but when I'm mad
I go garden
I yank things out of the ground
I bury things
I dig things
I chop things
I vacuum
when I'm really mad
I can vacuum
it's a physical energy
and I want it to take
but then I can take a look
at what makes me mad
and sometimes it's grief
because it's loss
because something has disappeared
or fallen away
in Al-Anon sometimes
we talk about the rage
we had a meeting once in
Oakland
big day in Al-Anon
and we wanted to talk about being angry
but it's not polite
and people don't like being
you know not being polite
so
we taught
we entitled it
something like
anger
anger management
something
anyway
the person who shared
the woman that shared the meeting
talked about wanting to kill
a lot of people
just shoot them dead
she said
not to wound them
just to kill them
she said
I don't want to punish them
I just want them dead
and it was so fun
that we just laughed our heads off
and you start laughing
about the dark side of recovery
you know
so the next year
we were going to do it again
but instead of
giving it an anodyne
sweet syrupy
kind of friendly name
we entitled the session
what would you do with the body
now my suspicion in this is
Agatha Christie
was from a crazy family
and as a little girl
she plotted perfect murders
and as an adult
she wrote those down
the perfect murder
you know
well
that room
was
full of people
and it was amazing
the lengths to which people would go
because they didn't know what else to do
because they were so isolated
and so angry
and so hurt
and they did not know
they could share this with others
and learn how to live
and make friends
in AA we say
you know
we don't drink today
I was told
you can always drink tomorrow
just don't drink today
that's worked for me for a while
in my Al-Anon home group
the phrase was
you can always push them down the stairs tomorrow
we don't push anyone down the stairs today
and one of my pals on his desk
he just has the word
tomorrow
and the people in his house think that
he's singing songs to Annie
you know but no it's
their lives have been spared many a time
because of that one little sign
tomorrow
let go and let God
let go and
let God go
let God go
it is something I believe
that God is at work
I think God is active
I think God is busy in a lot of places
and we can use our imagination
and our ideas
and our words
to understand that
but even when I'm not looking
God is at work
and I sometimes have to
allow God the space and time
to be at work
even with me
especially with me
Blanche said this
as an Al-Anon prayer
she learned this as a little girl
someone said
oh God
heal what needs healing
and reveal what needs revealing
and then she said
then duck
then duck
because stuff is going to happen
because stuff is going to happen
I can change my thinking
I need to learn some new things in recovery
I have to let go of some old ideas
old ideas don't go away
just because they're old or stupid
or half-baked
I have to go out and actively recruit
some good new ideas
and that's frequently a good reason
to get to some meetings
just to hear something new
and to get to some meetings
and to get some meetings out of town
and to go to a conference
because you might hear something there
that the people in your room
haven't thought about yet
some new ideas
some new thinking
attitudes
some of us have chips on our shoulders
some of us are full of woe
some of us are full of rage
we could use some new ideas
we could use some new attitudes
a different way of looking at things
and behavior
in my early recovery
I thought I'd try one new thing a day
I can't tell you how crazy that made me
it's exhausting
even one new thing a week is a lot
but a couple of new things a year
aren't bad
and one of the things I started doing
in recovery
was coming to a complete stop
at a stoplight
complete stop
letting pedestrians cross in walkways
which means I need to be awake
to notice that
speed limit
seat belt
seat belt
seat belt
seat belt
check tires
check brakes
this was very new behavior for me
and I had to do it with my car
which I've had for a while
and I have to do it with me
and I have to regularly ask God's help
for the people I work with and live with
keeping my big mouth shut
minding my own business
I'm going to end with
the story I've used for the last
several years about alcoholism
and it's the story of the gorilla
and I heard this
and was able to expand on it a little bit
over the years
but you talk about alcoholism
and Dr. Silkworth talks about
the allergy of the body and the obsession of the mind.
I think that's a really good description.
Dr. Jelinek has stuff out on the progression of the disease of alcoholism.
It's good to know about that stuff too.
What happens to the brain, what happens to the liver,
what happens to all kinds of body parts.
Those are all good things to know.
But a lot of times alcoholism is like dancing with a gorilla.
When I first heard that story, they didn't say dancing.
They said dating.
And they didn't say dating.
But alcoholism is like dancing with a gorilla.
You're not done dancing until the gorilla is done dancing.
I mean, that's the key.
It's the lack of power and the crazy.
Even if you're taller than the gorilla,
even if you're smarter than the gorilla,
even if you're faster than the gorilla,
once the gorilla gets his arms around you,
the gorilla's in charge.
And it kills a lot of people.
They get mad.
Casualty rates are oh so high.
Not just among addicts and alcoholics,
but among people who love addicts and alcoholics.
The casualty rates are oh so high.
Now, if you're clean and sober today,
it means the gorilla let go.
It doesn't mean you,
you've outsmarted it.
It's just taking a little nap.
If the gorilla has let go,
get out of the cage.
And don't go back into the cage
even when the gorilla starts humming your song,
which it does.
Oh, I'll never do that again.
It was so humiliating.
It was so disgusting.
It was in all the,
all the papers with the police and the goats.
I'm so ashamed.
Never going to do that again.
And then it's, you know,
two years later and the moon is full and
you hear music.
One of my Las Vegas pals says,
I don't want to dance with the gorilla.
I just want to pet it a little bit.
You know, I just want to pet it a little bit.
Boom, you're back in the cage.
A footnote.
I don't know whether you've seen the current movie,
Flight with Denzel Washington.
It counts for three meetings.
Counts for three meetings.
And you do see this,
this remarkable thing,
this, this brilliant,
talented man who is
one of us.
And there's a scene where there's
a little airplane bottle of booze
and he grabs it
back in the cage.
Now, we who love alcoholics
visit the zoo a lot.
I like zoos.
I've been to the San Diego Zoo,
the Wild Animal Kingdom.
I love giraffes.
I love just watching them move.
And I was in Myanmar this past October.
I went with two friends of mine to the zoo
in Rangoon, Myanmar, let me tell you.
It was amazing.
And there were gorillas there and snakes and stuff.
A lot of crocodiles.
Interesting, they had a sign in English
and in Burmese.
And there's a lot of crocodiles in there.
And they're all asleep, right?
And the sign says,
do not climb in.
They are not sleeping.
They are waiting for you.
Thought about that.
Well, you go by the gorilla cage
and you see the person you love
dancing with a gorilla
and you go crazy.
You've talked about this.
You've warned them about this.
You've heard about this.
They've seen the movie.
You've done so many things
to make sure they wouldn't be back in the cage
and there they are again.
And it might be your partner.
Your spouse.
Might be your mom or your dad.
Heartbreaking.
It might be one of your kids or your grandkids.
You just go wild and you react.
And you want to do something.
And so you get into the cage
and you start vacuuming and sweeping
and moving the furniture around
and hanging inspiring little slogans on the wall
and, you know, burn incense.
Maybe that'll calm them down.
Make nice, nutritious meals.
None of that helps.
So then you get between the gorilla
and the person you love
and you try to separate them
and the gorilla turns on you
and yanks your arms and legs off.
One more casualty.
So we have a program too.
And it's called Al-Anon.
And a lot of the Al-Anon's
Al-Anon program comes down to
stay
out
of the cage.
I'm just going into vacuum.
We know.
We know.
We know.
And because I just can't stand the mess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're meeting over by the giraffes.
And we're going to talk about our vacuuming needs.
And we're staying out of the gorilla cage for today.
You could always go vacuum tomorrow.
We're just not going to do it today.
And we're going to rebuild our lives.
It's hard loving anyone.
It's hard loving alcoholics and addicts.
There's always great pain involved
and exhaustion and anger
and hope
and recovery
and grace and God
and friends, companions
and allies.
And it's a whole new world.
So there.
Thank you.
I want to be an alcoholic and daddy responded son you cannot do both
and I think the work of the steps has an awful lot to do with growing up
coming into a maturity into an adulthood spiritually and emotionally mentally thinking
like adults no longer reacting and overreacting like some very unhappy spoiled children
when I started
going to
some
Al-Anon because I was in pain. One of the women who mentored me by tape, by cassette tape, was Blanche
from Salada, Texas. And Blanche died in 2000, much too early in a freak accident. But I was given one
of her tapes and Blanche was an English teacher and she was from northern Florida and then married
to Texan, went to Baylor, spent her years in Texas, and became as crazy as you can be married to an
alcoholic. Full of secrets, full of control, full of fear. Someone asked about untreated Al-Anon-ism.
Control, fear, anxiety, rage, exhaustion, grief.
So,
she did something. Her father was a bad drunken. She did something that a lot of people do.
You know, Claudia Black says, it will never happen to me. I will never become like that.
Blanche said, I will never marry an alcoholic. So, at Baylor, which is kind of like a big Baptist
convent, not a lot of drinking happens on the campus of Baylor University. And she
found a job at a big Baptist convent. And she found a job at a big Baptist convent. And she found a job at a big Baptist convent.
And she found this handsome boy there and they married. And he didn't have a drink until they were married a couple years.
He had never had a drink in his life. And if she had met a boy who was drinking, she just would never talk to him again.
And you do that Al-Anon sniff test. You hug him and go, you know, you smell. I've done that with a couple of sponsees.
You just kind of sniff in.
And I,
I will confess to you that if I'm emotionally involved with you on any level, I go into denial.
I have, we had a fellow staying with us for a while in Oakland and, and he was falling down drunk and I didn't even notice.
I died. Oh, you, you need a meeting. That's what you need. And I drove him to a meeting and I never noticed he was full of booze.
And I dropped him off at the meeting and came back to my house and a couple of people who were not tied up in his crazy were, I said,
why are you bringing me? He's drunk, Tom. I said, he is.
Well, I could not have been more shocked. So one of the, the things that seems to be operative is if I have an emotional relationship with you, I do go blind.
There's stuff I don't see.
And it also seems to be a rule. If you're dealing with family members, there's very little you can do.
Parents can't help their kids. Now that's not fair, but parents can't help their kids. Parents can help someone else's kids.
This was true. Even when I was growing up, I found my own parents impossible for a hundred different reasons,
but parents of my friends, I could talk to about anything, all the great things that,
but,
to my own parents, there was nothing to say.
I was quite surprised years later to found out that some of my friends went and talked to my father
about stuff. I said, well, what, what do they have to say? You know, I was just flabbergasted that that man had anything to say to anybody.
But, but if it's not your kid, you can deal with it.
And the people who do any kind of work with Alateen,
are doing great work.
And,
because kids need to have some safe adults to talk to who aren't crazy,
and who are safe.
I met one of my pals is a Tom and Joan. They're a couple on the California coast, and they've been married almost 60 years now, I think.
But Joan,
she wasn't,
she wasn't going to marry any boy that drank either, and she did that sniffing test, and she observed, and then she met Tom, and he was really cute and funny, and they got married.
And he didn't smell of alcohol. She found out a few years later that the reason he didn't smell of alcohol was he was using heroin.
And Al-Anon has saved her life, and it saved his more than once.
Yeah.
Anger becomes part of the Al-Anon thing. I get mad. I get mad when I'm surrounded by fools.
So you can imagine what it's like in some AA meetings. You just get mad.
And I have to learn a couple of adult principles, and one of the adult principles is live and let live.
Live and let live.
And,
sigh,
sigh,
that means you get to do stuff.
You get to do stuff, including making mistakes.
And I get to do stuff, including making mistakes.
Live and let live.
Blanche, in the tape, I must have listened to 20 or 30 times,
said growing up in northern Florida, she learned things that just were not true.
And one of the things she learned as a little girl was what you don't know can't hurt you.
Yeah.
And she said, listen, what I did not know about alcoholism almost killed four people.
And one of the things she had to do as her husband got into recovery was learn about this disease.
Ignorance is not bliss.
And being able to talk about it without hype and without scare tactics and without a lot of other stuff is a great help.
Out in California, they used to have people come into the school.
To try to scare kids.
Kids don't scare.
Alcoholics don't scare.
But sharing information is real helpful.
And I find the programs, AA, Al-Anon, the other 12-step programs, we are friends, companions, and allies.
We are not the enemy and we are not the opposition.
But learning how to be friends.
And companions and allies.
Is a lot of grown-up stuff.
Blanche also learned as a little girl.
God helps those who help themselves.
And she said, that's not true.
You know, God helps those who ask.
And what I need to do is remember to ask.
I don't always do that.
I don't always do that.
There's some stuff in me that tells me what I should do is, first of all, don't ask for help.
You should be able to figure this out by yourself.
If there's difficulties, keep it to yourself.
Don't worry other people.
And try harder.
All of those will kill you.
Thank you.
and in recovery it is
a great gift to be able to know what's going on
know what you know
know what's going on
being able to talk about it
simply
without blaming a lot of people
and asking for help
asking God for help
asking other people for help
remembering to breathe
and to walk through things
Blanche said
in Al-Anon
we learn how to keep our sails
out of other people's wind
I like that image a lot
because I can get very much
caught up in other people's stuff
and a lot of stuff is none of my business
and a lot of stuff is none of my business
and a lot of stuff is none of my business
and a lot of stuff is none of my business
we use this in AA
it's also used a lot in Al-Anon
HALT!
don't get too hungry
don't get too angry
don't get too lonely
don't get too tired
when I was in my 40s
I said well that's a very important thing
and I'll keep an eye on it
and if I was too hungry
too angry
too lonely
or too tired
I'd think about it
I'd think about it
I'd think about it
which is my first choice
about anything
think about it
let me go to my room by myself
and think about it
and I think for a while
I believed that if I was too hungry
I could handle that
that's not a problem yet
too hungry
too angry
okay that's getting more complicated
but I can handle that
hungry, angry, lonely
we're getting into difficulty
if all four of them are operating
I need to take action
I need to take action
and in my 50s and 60s
what I'm very aware of is
any one of them makes me dangerous and stupid
and some of the most spiritual work I do
in the course of a day
is paying attention to the too hungry
too angry
too lonely
too tired
and they sneak up
catch me by surprise
halt
I also heard this
at an hour and a half ago
at an Al-Anon meeting
W-A-I-T
or
why am I talking
and you might pay special attention to that
for those of you who have children
especially adult children
why are
stop with the advice giving
when I was teaching
I
this poor mom came to see me
and
single mom
with a jerk as a 15 year old son
he was a real jerk
and mom was
holding down two jobs
and raising him
and I think there was another couple kids
parent teachers night
she comes in
and she comes in
exhausted
so we just talked a little bit
and of course she's worried about her kids
worry
we'll get back to worry
and she's worried about her kids
and she keeps
nagging and nagging
and nagging and nagging
my kids tell me
I nag them all the time
and I said
do you
and she said
I'm just trying to help
and I said
I recognize you
I have a mother just like you
can I give you a little feedback
she said sure
I said
I stopped listening to my mother
when I was 12 years old
so she just started shouting louder
and it just got worse
I said you could just
stop
talking to your children
and you'll get along with them much better
she thought I was kidding
it's already such a mess
let it be
ask God for help
now worry
I used to think that worry
was taking action
I also used to think
that worry was intimacy
that I was really worried about you
we're very close
can't eat
can't sleep
I'm so worried
we must be very close
I'm so worried
and it was the proof of friendship
it was the proof of all kinds of things
and what I've discovered as an older person
is worry doesn't help anybody
and when I'm in my right mind
I do not worry
and I do not see it
worry as taking positive action
I see it as wasting energy
I don't have
sometimes
for those of us who worry
we pray
have you ever prayed like this
oh God
everything's a big mess
I know you don't understand it
and so I'm going to explain it to you
and then I'm going to tell you
how to solve it
because I want you to do this
and do that
and do that
and that's my prayer
may I suggest that
that's not a very effective prayer
sometimes a perfectly appropriate prayer
is just the word
help
one of my friends
was a single mom
with no resources at all
and a lot of trouble and woe
newly sober
and she said
all she could do in the morning
the only prayer she could make
was help me, help me, help me, help me, help me
and after a while
in the evening
she was able to say
thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you
and that was her prayer for a long time
and she said
that kind of prayer opens doors
one of my sisters-in-law
is from a different religious tradition than mine
she has a wonderful imagination
and we talk about things
and she thinks outside my box
I mean it's very helpful
to talk to someone
who's from a different background
because you can see sometimes
differently
and that can save lives
and one of the things
one of the prayers that she would do
she visualized the higher power as light
and then she would take the person
she was worried about
in the palms of her hands
and hold them in the light
visualize this
she wouldn't use any words
well I use that prayer sometimes
tomorrow night's the first night of Hanukkah
happy Hanukkah
and the first prayer for the
first night of Hanukkah is
oh God
your first commandment was
let there be light
and then it says some more things
but I like that
light coming into a darkened world
a violent, darkened, cold world
bring light
light
I cannot fixate
fix me
and I sure can't fix you
Al-Anon slogans
I do some election work
I did in this last election
but I like being involved in the community
my dad was involved in the community
on a couple of things
so I'm one of those people
that gets ballots
and sets up the precinct
and runs the precinct
and at the end of the day
brings all the stuff in
I've been doing that for
20 or 25 years
and you meet the neighbors
and it's a way of participating
in the city
and I like being the inspector
a bit of control and power
and in 92
my election board
we were in a
in a senior citizen center
in Oakland
right near the Grand Lake Theater
and a number of the seniors
needed some assistance
which I'm happy to do
and some had trouble
with their writing
or their vision
and I would help out
and help out
but you become pretty attuned
to older people
I was there for several elections
I'm there
and three others were there with me
the election board
and
my board
one was very old
kept falling asleep
one was crazy
kept talking about
the end of the world
and just
judgment
not very helpful
and the third had a disability
and couldn't use her hands
to deal with paper
and she was smoking all the time
that was my election board
and we were using punch cards
and chads and so forth
so it was
so I was
it was a long day
and usually in the course
of that very very long day
you take a break
every couple of hours
you can go and get a cup of coffee
or a sandwich
then come back
but it became clear to me
I couldn't
leave the precinct
because
I really was
the only
competent person there
and this is a big deal
it's a presidential election
so I didn't eat
this is the hungry angry
I didn't eat
I was angry
and I sure was
by about 4 p.m.
I was dangerous
and more and more people
are coming in
and this lady came in
she was a woman
of a certain age
she hadn't been having
a good day
and I don't think
she'd been having a good day
for about 20 years
and she came in
and she snarled
that's how she began
I met her at the place
and she wanted her ballot
and there were a few other things
she was full of demands
and I've been there
for about
oh 10 hours
and I haven't had lunch
and I have no blood sugar
and I'm done
and my first response
and this is the response
of an untreated Al-Anon
is just to shove her
down the stairs
it doesn't leave any marks
and if it's quick
and no one sees
you know
old people fall down
all the time
but instead
I used one of my favorite
Al-Anon slogans
and the slogan is
I said to her
I'll be right back
and I backed off
because she was toxic
capital T
and I was toxic
small T
ready to explode
backed off
and I walked over
I breathed a little bit
there was some orange juice
and I got some orange juice
there was some blood sugar
I breathed
and I asked God for help
about three minutes off
a little pause
then I came back
and I said to her
let's get your ballot
I live in a community
in Oakland
and one of our
one of the brothers
isn't as easy
to live with
as the others
and he will have
little breakdowns
and throw tantrums
he's only 62
and I said
I'll be right back
and in the last one
something happened
and it makes no difference
what it was
but he was just
he flew off the handle
and again I noticed
how close is he to the stairs
that was my first check
and then
I said to myself
I'll be right back
and I just backed away from him
as if from a hot flame
because what I could have done
is respond
and an awful lot of
family misery
is created
not by the words used
but by the tone
of voice
that's used
and I had nothing good
to say to him
at that moment
and the next day
we connected
and we could have
a conversation
but I
the line in the book
that was read
at the start
of the last section
I think is on page
133
it's a great line
it's from the family afterwards
and it says
first paragraph
avoid
the deliberate manufacture
of misery
and sometimes in my recovery
when I'm miserable
I need to do an inventory
and it can be a real quick one
and I need to share that
with somebody
and I have to look at
what makes me miserable
and frequent
it's my own
bad behavior
so when the next election
came around
well
let's go back to that
one night
we had to take
the precinct
the booths down
and I needed
physically active people
and I called
two of my sponsees
and I said
I really need your help
are both of you sober
yes
well come on over
and
I had them
help me
clean up the precinct
and take things down
because
because
because
because
because
because
I couldn't have done it
by myself
and then I wrote a letter
to the precinct board
to the registrar voters
and I said
these three people
aren't very helpful
just so you know
and I'm more than willing
to help out
but we need people
who are cooperative
and helpful
and then I described
each one
you know
and I said
so there
and I sent it
I had one lady come in
older lady
with her daughter
and the older lady was blind
and she said
I need help
and I said
sure
how can I help you
with your ballot
and she said
her daughter was with her
and I said
your daughter can help you
if you like
and she said
my daughter's a democrat
and I don't trust her
and I said
and I said
well
okay
let's not suggest
family can't help you
with your counseling here
but I can
and she gave
you fill out her ballot
and you do what the voter wants
and you learn how to
to not overreact
or scold the daughter
you know
or any of those things
so
live
and let live
things take time
I want quick responses
and quick answers
and some things take a long time
I'm remembering
I've been up to Yosemite
a couple of times
and John Muir
will say
if you want to see
the face of God
come to Yosemite
and in the 19th century
a number of American
landscape artists
really wanted to see
believe they were painting
the face of God
when they planted
the prairies
and the mountains
and the deserts
wonderful to see
thinking like that
Al-Anon's slogan
keep it simple
my brain can be tied in knots
and I can think in equations
you know like
if
this
if
that
if
this
, if
that
then
you're wasting your time
if there's more than one
if
it's not going to happen
it's just not going to happen
but I can get very anxious
about the future
but I want to keep it simple
I can over
do a lot of things
I want to keep it simple
my tendency is to be very busy
all the time
my folks got
married in 1936
1934
they ran off to Las Vegas
got married on a Friday
and they were both back at work on Monday
because they both had jobs
1934
and one of the things
I picked up
was good people work
better people work more
so whenever I felt ashamed
or guilty or stupid
I would say
I'm going to work more
I'm going to work more
I worked more
and I had that all mixed up
with being busy too
if I'm always busy
no one can criticize me
and one of my ways
of being crazy
is to be so overly busy
and so overly tired
that I'm pathetic
and there's no joy
anywhere
I have to learn how to rest
in recovery
and enjoy things in recovery
and have a good time in recovery
work, love, play
back to that description
by Leonard the Shrink
keep it simple
easy does it
see I think I could force it
there's a great Peanuts cartoon
Lucy is talking to Charlie Brown
and Lucy says
how many times does five go into three
and Charlie Brown says
five doesn't go into three
and Lucy says
it does if you push
and there are some things
I just can't push
to back off
to let it be
let things take time
ask God for help
first things first
well
that's dumb
if I'd known that
I wouldn't have to go to meetings
you know
but first things are recovery
if I'm not in recovery
nothing's possible
first things first
some things are very important
and some things are not important
and I've learned this some with age
and also you learn this some with losses
in the late 80s
when AIDS first came through
the community
you'd see
someone on Monday
they looked okay
and the next Monday they were dead
boom
there were some very jumpy
narcotics anonymous meetings around town
and some very jumpy
AA meetings around town
and people full of fear
and anxiety
and you started learning
that we have today
today
today
and some things are real important
and some things aren't important at all
and I've learned this
there's been some hard lessons
one of my friends was Peggy
Peggy was a nurse
from New York
Peggy was tough
Peggy was an organizer
if the nurses ever wanted to elect someone
to negotiate with management
Peggy got elected
she was fearless
and she fought for her patients
and she was a
she didn't even weigh a hundred pounds
but she was one of the great souls
Peggy wanted the hospital
to have an AIDS ward
Peggy was in recovery
and the hospital didn't want to
because what would people say
if people with AIDS were in the hospital
I mean this is
it's how we thought
late 80s
and Peggy got the AIDS ward
going
and then the nurses went out on strike
for some other reason
and Peggy led them
and all of a sudden
all very exciting
anyway
Peggy got sick by a stab of the needle
and she did die of HIV
because of a needle stab
when the AIDS ward was full
it had been going a short time
and Peggy
paid attention to her patients
and she found out
that more than half of them were Catholic
so she went right to her desk
and called the Archbishop of San Francisco
and she said
Archbishop this is Peggy so and so
a lot of your people are down here
I think you should show up
and he was there the next day
so Peggy called me
and she was pretty sick
and I'd seen her
you know
I'd seen her
I'd seen
but it had been a couple of months
she was real sick
Tom can you come see me
and I said
you know
I'm so busy
and I opened the door
I opened my calendar
and this was a Tuesday
and I said
Peggy I can be there Saturday
well she is dead of course by Thursday
first things first
and what I have to remember
is people are first
not all the other crap I had on my calendar
well I'm supposed to you know
cut the lawn
and change the tires on the car
if you have a sick friend or family member
who calls and says
please can you see me
go see them
and I've learned
that lesson
first things first
means people come first
and some relationships come first
and it's more important
than a lot of other stuff
my dad always had the job come first
and I value that
and I think that's
frequently important
but people come first
I've learned that in Al-Anon
what I've also learned
is that people come first
what I've learned in Al-Anon
is this is an associated question
how important is it
some things are not important
when you've experienced some sickness
and some loss
and some death
this is life teaching you that
some things aren't important at all
and we can just
let go
in Al-Anon
we detach with love
and that means
we don't have to get sucked into the crazy
it aches
if someone you love
is in trauma
you want to do what you can
the hard fact is
a lot of times
there's not a lot we can do
some people work
real hard
at being sick and crazy
and they get to
and they get to
we talk about one day at a time
because this is what's real
for those of us who worry
there's a lot to worry about
you know
I pay special attention to the
disappearing glaciers
the glaciers
the glaciers
are disappearing
the polar bears are drowning
now what you know
and then
the world is ending of course
what a relief
you know
it would
it would be just fine with me
but someone has pointed out
that the Mayan calendar
is a circle
and that means that the Mayan calendar is a circle
and that means that the Mayan calendar is a circle
and that means
it keeps going
oh no
December 31st
now what
January 1st
but the day at a time is to be here
you know this
7th of December
Pearl Harbor Day
the day before Hanukkah
the first
Friday
of the first week of Advent
Northern Hemisphere
end of fall
beginning of winter
Las Vegas
conference
present
here
now
and it is
in the present
that we experience
the power greater than ourselves
the breathing in
and the breathing out
which is the
end of the year
experience of living things
one day at a time
now I can be a little bleak on that
I sometimes tell people
especially if I'm off
and the days are long
and I'm surrounded by fools
I'll say you know
I've learned to dread one day at a time
I just dread today
I don't have to dread tomorrow
and I'm not going to dread tomorrow
and I'm not going to dread tomorrow
and I don't have to worry about tomorrow
I just worry today
like a dog worries a bone
and I stay focused in the present
and nothing's right
that works for me
anger is a big part
of Al-Anon too
a lot of us are angry
you get angry when your needs
aren't met
and if you love alcoholics
and addicts there's a lot of needs
that don't get met
someone
they wrote an essay
and in the essay said that in
alcoholic families, crazy families
drama
takes the place
of where the love used to be
and in some of our families
there's an awful lot of drama
emergency rooms, police
firemen, helicopters
and people who don't know what's going on
and they don't know what's going on
and they don't know what's going on
and someone responded
well if you were really spiritual
you wouldn't be angry
and I said that's so helpful
I get angry
and the program tells me
what to do with the anger
I've got to do something
I've got to ask God for help
but when I'm mad
I go garden
I yank things out of the ground
I bury things
I dig things
I chop things
I vacuum
when I'm really mad
I can vacuum
it's a physical energy
and I want it to take
but then I can take a look
at what makes me mad
and sometimes it's grief
because it's loss
because something has disappeared
or fallen away
in Al-Anon sometimes
we talk about the rage
we had a meeting once in
Oakland
big day in Al-Anon
and we wanted to talk about being angry
but it's not polite
and people don't like being
you know not being polite
so
we taught
we entitled it
something like
anger
anger management
something
anyway
the person who shared
the woman that shared the meeting
talked about wanting to kill
a lot of people
just shoot them dead
she said
not to wound them
just to kill them
she said
I don't want to punish them
I just want them dead
and it was so fun
that we just laughed our heads off
and you start laughing
about the dark side of recovery
you know
so the next year
we were going to do it again
but instead of
giving it an anodyne
sweet syrupy
kind of friendly name
we entitled the session
what would you do with the body
now my suspicion in this is
Agatha Christie
was from a crazy family
and as a little girl
she plotted perfect murders
and as an adult
she wrote those down
the perfect murder
you know
well
that room
was
full of people
and it was amazing
the lengths to which people would go
because they didn't know what else to do
because they were so isolated
and so angry
and so hurt
and they did not know
they could share this with others
and learn how to live
and make friends
in AA we say
you know
we don't drink today
I was told
you can always drink tomorrow
just don't drink today
that's worked for me for a while
in my Al-Anon home group
the phrase was
you can always push them down the stairs tomorrow
we don't push anyone down the stairs today
and one of my pals on his desk
he just has the word
tomorrow
and the people in his house think that
he's singing songs to Annie
you know but no it's
their lives have been spared many a time
because of that one little sign
tomorrow
let go and let God
let go and
let God go
let God go
it is something I believe
that God is at work
I think God is active
I think God is busy in a lot of places
and we can use our imagination
and our ideas
and our words
to understand that
but even when I'm not looking
God is at work
and I sometimes have to
allow God the space and time
to be at work
even with me
especially with me
Blanche said this
as an Al-Anon prayer
she learned this as a little girl
someone said
oh God
heal what needs healing
and reveal what needs revealing
and then she said
then duck
then duck
because stuff is going to happen
because stuff is going to happen
I can change my thinking
I need to learn some new things in recovery
I have to let go of some old ideas
old ideas don't go away
just because they're old or stupid
or half-baked
I have to go out and actively recruit
some good new ideas
and that's frequently a good reason
to get to some meetings
just to hear something new
and to get to some meetings
and to get some meetings out of town
and to go to a conference
because you might hear something there
that the people in your room
haven't thought about yet
some new ideas
some new thinking
attitudes
some of us have chips on our shoulders
some of us are full of woe
some of us are full of rage
we could use some new ideas
we could use some new attitudes
a different way of looking at things
and behavior
in my early recovery
I thought I'd try one new thing a day
I can't tell you how crazy that made me
it's exhausting
even one new thing a week is a lot
but a couple of new things a year
aren't bad
and one of the things I started doing
in recovery
was coming to a complete stop
at a stoplight
complete stop
letting pedestrians cross in walkways
which means I need to be awake
to notice that
speed limit
seat belt
seat belt
seat belt
seat belt
check tires
check brakes
this was very new behavior for me
and I had to do it with my car
which I've had for a while
and I have to do it with me
and I have to regularly ask God's help
for the people I work with and live with
keeping my big mouth shut
minding my own business
I'm going to end with
the story I've used for the last
several years about alcoholism
and it's the story of the gorilla
and I heard this
and was able to expand on it a little bit
over the years
but you talk about alcoholism
and Dr. Silkworth talks about
the allergy of the body and the obsession of the mind.
I think that's a really good description.
Dr. Jelinek has stuff out on the progression of the disease of alcoholism.
It's good to know about that stuff too.
What happens to the brain, what happens to the liver,
what happens to all kinds of body parts.
Those are all good things to know.
But a lot of times alcoholism is like dancing with a gorilla.
When I first heard that story, they didn't say dancing.
They said dating.
And they didn't say dating.
But alcoholism is like dancing with a gorilla.
You're not done dancing until the gorilla is done dancing.
I mean, that's the key.
It's the lack of power and the crazy.
Even if you're taller than the gorilla,
even if you're smarter than the gorilla,
even if you're faster than the gorilla,
once the gorilla gets his arms around you,
the gorilla's in charge.
And it kills a lot of people.
They get mad.
Casualty rates are oh so high.
Not just among addicts and alcoholics,
but among people who love addicts and alcoholics.
The casualty rates are oh so high.
Now, if you're clean and sober today,
it means the gorilla let go.
It doesn't mean you,
you've outsmarted it.
It's just taking a little nap.
If the gorilla has let go,
get out of the cage.
And don't go back into the cage
even when the gorilla starts humming your song,
which it does.
Oh, I'll never do that again.
It was so humiliating.
It was so disgusting.
It was in all the,
all the papers with the police and the goats.
I'm so ashamed.
Never going to do that again.
And then it's, you know,
two years later and the moon is full and
you hear music.
One of my Las Vegas pals says,
I don't want to dance with the gorilla.
I just want to pet it a little bit.
You know, I just want to pet it a little bit.
Boom, you're back in the cage.
A footnote.
I don't know whether you've seen the current movie,
Flight with Denzel Washington.
It counts for three meetings.
Counts for three meetings.
And you do see this,
this remarkable thing,
this, this brilliant,
talented man who is
one of us.
And there's a scene where there's
a little airplane bottle of booze
and he grabs it
back in the cage.
Now, we who love alcoholics
visit the zoo a lot.
I like zoos.
I've been to the San Diego Zoo,
the Wild Animal Kingdom.
I love giraffes.
I love just watching them move.
And I was in Myanmar this past October.
I went with two friends of mine to the zoo
in Rangoon, Myanmar, let me tell you.
It was amazing.
And there were gorillas there and snakes and stuff.
A lot of crocodiles.
Interesting, they had a sign in English
and in Burmese.
And there's a lot of crocodiles in there.
And they're all asleep, right?
And the sign says,
do not climb in.
They are not sleeping.
They are waiting for you.
Thought about that.
Well, you go by the gorilla cage
and you see the person you love
dancing with a gorilla
and you go crazy.
You've talked about this.
You've warned them about this.
You've heard about this.
They've seen the movie.
You've done so many things
to make sure they wouldn't be back in the cage
and there they are again.
And it might be your partner.
Your spouse.
Might be your mom or your dad.
Heartbreaking.
It might be one of your kids or your grandkids.
You just go wild and you react.
And you want to do something.
And so you get into the cage
and you start vacuuming and sweeping
and moving the furniture around
and hanging inspiring little slogans on the wall
and, you know, burn incense.
Maybe that'll calm them down.
Make nice, nutritious meals.
None of that helps.
So then you get between the gorilla
and the person you love
and you try to separate them
and the gorilla turns on you
and yanks your arms and legs off.
One more casualty.
So we have a program too.
And it's called Al-Anon.
And a lot of the Al-Anon's
Al-Anon program comes down to
stay
out
of the cage.
I'm just going into vacuum.
We know.
We know.
We know.
And because I just can't stand the mess.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
We're meeting over by the giraffes.
And we're going to talk about our vacuuming needs.
And we're staying out of the gorilla cage for today.
You could always go vacuum tomorrow.
We're just not going to do it today.
And we're going to rebuild our lives.
It's hard loving anyone.
It's hard loving alcoholics and addicts.
There's always great pain involved
and exhaustion and anger
and hope
and recovery
and grace and God
and friends, companions
and allies.
And it's a whole new world.
So there.
Thank you.
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