Step 10 He Called Growth Steps, Not Maintenance – Charlie P.

That may not be the best introduction I've ever had, but by God it was the shortest. I know that. Hi, everybody. My name is Charlie Furman. I'm a very grateful recovering alcoholic sex maniac. I haven't found it necessary to indulge in either one today. Yet. But Barbara told me earlier this evening, she said, Charlie, when you speak tonight, why don't you talk more about spirituality and less about sex? And I said, Barbara, I don't know anything that's more spiritual than sex. I spent the first 50 years of my life praying I could do it twice. and I've spent the last 25 praying I could do it once. I don't know anything that's any more spiritual than that is. Glad to be here tonight. Glad to see all you guys here tonight It's great and great for us to have an opportunity to get together and go on a cruise and see the things we've been able to see and meet old friends and make lots of new friends. So we certainly appreciate the opportunity to be here tonight, that's for sure. And I think I'll go back and introduce myself as I should have in the first place rather than calling myself a sex maniac. A little too old for that anymore anyhow. My name is Charlie Parman. I'm a very grateful recovering alcoholic. and because I'm a member of the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and by the grace of the power that I found through the 12-step program of Alcoholic Anonymous, I haven't found it necessary to take a drink for 12,551 days today, one day at a time. And for this, I'm very, very grateful. y'all saw me take my watch off and lay it down here a while ago people think i'm going to be careful and not run over time when i do that but i really don't pay a hell of a lot of attention to it i just like to look at it laying down here in front of me and we've got both of us have got a job tonight and my job is It's to talk, and your job is to listen. And hopefully we both get done at the same time. It'll work out real great that way. People that know me in my home area, they usually refer to me anymore as an AA fundamentalist. And I'm not really sure what an AA Fundamentalist is. but if it's to love the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous then I'm probably an A.A. fundamentalist If it's to love The Big Book Alcoholics Anonymous with all your heart then I am probably an A fundamentalist If it is to love Your God as You understand Him with all Your heart and all Your soul then I am probably an A.a. fundamentalists because you see it's because of those three things that I'm able to be here tonight. If it hadn't been for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous, I would never have found the big book, Alcoholics Aonimous. And if I'd never found the Big Book, Alcoholic Aoninous, I'm quite sure I would have never found this God as I understand Him today. And chances are I would've been gone a long, long time ago. And basically those are the things that I really like to talk about. I don't really like To talk too much about drinking anymore. All of you people in this room that are alcoholic, You know about all you need to know about drinking. All you people In this room That are non-alcoholic, That have lived with one of we alcoholics, You know About all you Need to know About drinking too. What I really Like to talk About a little bit Is my first drunk. I'd like to talk a little bit about my last drunk Very little of what went in between And then I'd Like to talk about what happened to me After I came to the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous Now like so many of we Alcoholics when I was a kid Growing up I was always on the outside of the crowd looking in Always wanted to be a part of And knew I would not be able to be so I always knew that whatever I said, whatever I did would be wrong People would laugh and I would be embarrassed I was always a little short fellow A little bit chubby back in those teenage days And it seems as though I've always worn these glasses And most of the guys that I ran around with Were into some kind of athletics And naturally being a teenage kid I wanted to be a part of the crowd and I wanted to be a part of the athletic picture also. And I remember going to the football coach and asking him to let me try out for the football team. Now, I'm not sure what he said, but it seems to me as though he said to me, Son, I am sorry, but little short fat boys that wear glasses don't make very good football players. Why don't you go over and try out for the basketball team? and I went over and talked to the basketball coach about trying out for the basketball team and it seemed as though he said son I'm sorry little short fat boys like you who wear glasses don't make very good basketball players either I also noticed these guys I was running around in school quite often I would see them walking down the hallway with a girl and they would have their arm around that girl and she would have her head laid over on their shoulder and once in a while I would see them back in behind the stairwell and he would have his arms around her and she would have her arms around him and they would be kissing each other. And I wanted to do some of that too. But I found out that little short fat boys that wear glasses don't score with the girls any better than they did with the football coach or the basketball coach or anybody else. Always on the outside, the crowd looking in. I'm 14 years old and I go to a high school dance And it was upstairs in an old dairy barn The downstairs portion had the table set up Where you could get soft drinks and etc The upstairs portion where the hay used to be stored Had all been, the hay had been removed And the floor smoothed down And that's where the kids did all the dancing and I'm standing in the upstairs leaning against the wall and watching these kids dance and this little girl out there that I'd been wanting to do something with for a long time but I'd be afraid to ask her her name was Betty and I said to myself as soon as this music stops I'm going to walk over there to Betty and I want to ask here to dance with me and the music stopped and I started walking toward Betty and as I did my mind said well what are you going to do she says no everybody will hear and they'll laugh and you'll be embarrassed and my footstep slowed down a little bit and my mind said well what are you going to do if she says yes you're probably going to step on her toes and stumble and fall and make a fool of yourself and my footsteps slowed down a little bet and before I could get to Betty some other old boy grabbed her and they started dancing together and I went back against the wall and I said to myself as soon as this music stops so I'm going to go ask Betty to dance with me. And about that time, a tall guy that I knew came sidling up to me, and he said, Charlie, how would you like to go outside with me and have a drink of moonshine? Well, I wasn't sure just exactly what moonshINE was, but I didn't want to tell him I didn' t know. So I said, Sure, that'd be okay. And we go downstairs, and we go out to the car, and he opens the trunk of this 36 Chevrolet and he reaches inside and he pulls out a quart jar of moonshine. And he took the top off of that quart jar of moonshire and a blue smoke kind of rolled up out of it. He took a drink of it and he handed it to me and I took a drank. And that stuff went down through my throat and down through myself esophagus and it felt just exactly like liquid fire. And I gagged and I choked and I damn near puked, but at the same time I felt my chest begin to grow and expand and get bigger and bigger. And it hit my stomach and it just literally exploded like a bomb. Almost immediately I could feel it racing through my fingers and through my arms and they got longer and longer and longer, and it hits my fingers, and they begin to tingle and vibrate. At the same time, it's racing through my arms, it's chasing through my legs, and we're getting longer and longer. I'm getting taller and taller, and hit my feet and toes, and they got a hot, intense, burning, exciting, get up, go somewhere, and do something feeling. And this guy looked at me, and he said, would you like to have another drink? And I said, from the tremendous height that I'd grown to, I looked down on his head, and I said yeah, I believe I'll have another one of those. And I took a second drink and we started back upstairs and I walked up the stairs. I began to know a new freedom and a new happiness. I began to comprehend the word serenity. No matter how far down the scale I had gone, I could see where my experience would benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity began to disappear. Fear of people and economic and freedom began to leave me. I intuitively knew how to handle situations which used to baffle me. I walked up there, and I leaned against the wall, and I said, as soon as this music stops, I'm going to ask Betty to dance with me. Then the music stopped, and I began to walk toward Betty, and this time my mind didn't say, what are you going to do if she says no? Because I knew she would say yes. And my mind did not say, what are we going to dance together? What are you doing to do? She says yes, because I knew I would be able to dance without her, and everything would be okay, And I walked right up to Betty, and I said, Betty, how would you like to dance with me? And she looked at me kind of funny and kind of odd. And she said, well, yeah, yeah Charlie, I guess that's okay. And we began to dance, and sure enough, I didn't step on her toes, and I didn' t stumble, and l didn't fall, and L didn't make a fool of myself. And when the music stopped, I said Betty, How would you Like to Dance With Me Again? She said, Well, Yeah, Charlie, That's Okay. She said You're A Pretty Good Dancer. I Didn't Know You Could Dance. And I said Hell, I Didn' t Either, But Let's Do It Some More. As the dance began to draw to an end, I found myself doing something I'd never been able to do before. I said, Betty, how about letting me take you home for the dance? And she said, well, yeah, that would be okay. That would be great. Now, I didn't have a car to take her home in, but I knew a guy had one. He was a tall guy that had a quart of moonshine whiskey in the trunk of his car. And I walked up to him, and I asked him, I said, how about Betty and I riding home with you? I asked her to take her home, and she said, okay. And he said, well, yeah, come on, get in. I said me and my girlfriend, and we'll all go together. So we get the Quart Moonshine out of the trunk, and we set it in the back seat of the car. He and his girlfriend in the front seat, Betty andI in the Back Seat, took another little drink of Moonshire. And as we went on down the road, tooling down the Road, I said to myself, you know, I've asked this girl to dance with me, and she didn't say no. And I danced with her and I didn't make a fool of myself. I wondered what she'd do if I would put my arm around her and pull her head over against my shoulder. Would she lay her head on my shoulder like those kids did in school? And we rode a little further and I thought about it a little more and I reached over and put my arms around Betty and pulled her over against me and sure enough, she just laid her head down on my shoulders just exactly like I wanted her to. Looked up at me with those great eyes that you've got And I thought, man, man this is really, really living it up. We rode a little further and I began to think some more. I thought I've asked this girl to dance with me and she said yeah and I danced with her and didn't make a fool of myself and I got her head laying on my shoulder. I wondered what she would do if I would kiss her. Now I'd never kissed a girl before but I'd seen them do it in the movies and I knew if you were going to kiss one of them you had to get their head in just the right position so with her head lying on my shoulders I reached over with my right hand, and I got her by the chin. And I got our head situated just right. And I leaned down to put my lips against hers, and I closed my eyes as they did in the movies. And when my lips touched Betty's, great things began to happen. Felt as if a current of electricity was flowing between us, and my little lips began to move, and her little lips begin to move. And, my God, it was one of the greatest experiences I'd ever had in my lifetime. and we rode along a little further and I got to thinking again that I've asked this girl to dance with me and we're in the back seat of this car and I've got her head on my shoulder and I kissed her I wonder what she'd do if I would reach over there and get a hold of one of those things now I didn't know any more about getting a hold of oneof those things than I did about kissing one of them but I was pretty sure that if you're going to get ahold of oneo of those thing you need to be kissing them at the same time so i reached over and i got betty's chin just right and i leaned down and i put my lips against hers but this time i kept my eyes open because i wanted to see what my right hand was getting ready to do and as i kissed betty i reached over and I got hold of one of those things now let me tell you something if you're a little short fat 14 year old boy that wears glasses and you've been dreaming about getting and hold one of those things for two or three years, and you get one of them in your hand for the first time in your life, that is a feeling which is absolutely, completely, indescribably wonderful. I'd never felt anything like it before. And I'm not so damn sure I've ever felt anything like it since, you know. My God, my old hand just felt like it was on fire. And today every time I get to thinking about it, my hand just gets to jerking up and down. Now, I'm not going to talk about Betty anymore. A lot of people say, well, Charlie, why don't you finish that story? And I used to say, Well, the reason I don't finish that story is I really don't like to talk about that kind of stuff from behind the podium. But the real reason I don' t finish that storie is I don''t remember that stori. because, you see, something else took place with me that evening as we were tootling it down the road in the backseat of this 36 Chevrolet. And I'm sitting there doing with Betty one of the most important things that I'd ever done before in my lifetime. Every once in a while I would have to stop what I'm doing with Patty and I would Have to reach over and pick up that quart of moonshine and take a drink of that moonshine, set it back down, go back to Betty. And then after a while, something within me would demand that I stop what I'm doing with Betty and pick up that quart of moonshINE. And somewhere that night, at 14 years of age, I had my first blackout, and I passed out. I think I evidenced that that night the first thing you have to have in order to be a good, practicing, real alcoholic, and that's to have this physical allergy to alcohol, which produces the phenomenon of craving anytime we take a drink and it makes it virtually impossible for us to control the amount we drink after we once started. I had it from age 14 until age 40. I drank 26 years. I don't ever remember taking one drink of anything that had alcohol in it. One drink always led to 1, to 2, to 3, to 6, to 8, to 10. The next morning I woke up in bed. I didn't remember how I got there. Sick, hungover, felt like hell. And my mind went back to the night before, but when it went back to the light before, my mind didn't think about the fact that I'm sick, I'm hungover and probably in all kinds of trouble. My mind remembered that great sense of ease and comfort that I got when I took that drink of moonshine. It remembered how it made me feel as I went back up those stairs where those kids were dancing. My mind would dwell upon the fact that I could do things with Betty I'd never been able to do before. And from that day on, I became obsessed with the idea of drinking alcohol. Every time I got a chance from then on as a teenager growing up, I'd take a drink of that alcohol and the magic would happen again. And that great feeling would come over me. Dr. Silkworth describes it in the big book as a great sense of ease and comfort that comes at once by taking a couple of drinks. And alcohol did for me what I could not do for myself from the very, very beginning. Now, if it didn't do those things for me, I wouldn't have been obsessed with drinking it. But it became an obsession in my mind almost immediately. Dr. Silkworth tells us we really, really cannot differentiate the true from the false. To us, what we're doing is normal when it comes to alcohol 15 years of age my mother said to me son i need to talk to you about your drinking she said don't you know that you have an uncle in california who's a wet brain and he's locked up in an insane asylum and he'll be there till he dies and she said i saw him start drinking when he was about 14 15 years old and she said you're drinking just exactly like he did and she says if you don't do something about your drink sooner or later You're probably going to end up where he did. My mother could differentiate the true from the false about my drinking from the very beginning. She could see the truth, but I couldn't see it. I said, oh, Mama, Mama don't you worry. If I ever get like my uncle who's in that insane asylum, I'll stop drinking. You'll never have to worry about that. It's a complete inability to differentiate the truth from the falls. I'm 16 years old and my dad said to me, son, I need to talk to you about your drinking. he said there's never been a member of the parmley family who's been able to successfully drink alcohol he said every time myself my brothers my sisters or any of us have tried it they always have gotten in bad bad trouble with it and he said if you don't do something about your drinking it'll destroy your life my dad could differentiate the true from the false but i said to my dad i I said, Dad, don't you worry about my drinking. You know, I'm only half Parmalee. And I'll not be like the rest of you Parmalees. And if alcohol gets to be a problem to me, I'll stop drinking. I'm 17 years old. And I woke up in an army hospital in Bremerhaven, Germany. And there's a doctor standing by the side of the bed and he said, Son, I need to talk to you about your drinking. He said, I am sure you don't know it, But he said, you've already died twice in the last three days. And he said what I need to say to you is if you continue to drink the way you drink, you'll never live to be age 30 years old. He could differentiate the true from the false about my drinking. I said to the doctor, don't you worry about my drink. If it ever gets to be a serious problem with me, I'll stop drinking. You'll not have to worry about that. I'm 21 years old, a beautiful little black-headed, blue-eyed lady I'd married. She said to me one day, she said, Charlie, I need to talk to you about your drinking. She said, I don't know what you're doing. I don' t know where you're going. But you're goin' out at night and you're layin' out at night, and you comin' in here drunk. And she said I love you with all my heart. But she said if you don't do somethin' about your drinkin', sooner or later I'll have to divorce you. and i said oh sweetheart don't worry about that if alcohol ever gets to be a serious problem in our marriage i'll stop drinking you'll never have to worry about the complete inability to differentiate the truth from the false that's what you got to have in order to be a good practicing alcoholic because you see if you and i could honestly see what's going on during our drinking career hell we wouldn't be doing it either but we can't see those things We can't tell the truth about alcohol. To us, what we're doing is normal. I'm 28 years old. And my boss said to me one day, he said, Charlie, I need to talk to you about your drinking. He said, you know, you're slated to take my job in just a matter of a few years when I retire. But he said what I needto tell you is you're drinking too much. You're coming in at work hungover. I'm beginning to smell it on you sometimes in the mornings. And if you don't do something about your drinking, instead of taking my job, eventually we'll have to fire you. I said, oh boss, you'll never need to have to worry about that. If alcohol becomes a serious problem and interferes with my job I'll stop drinking. You'll never have to hurry about that." 24 years after I took the first drink I came to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and all those things that people had been saying had begun to happen in my life. I'd lost that first wife. I'd loss that great job. I was in the process of losing my second wife. Barbara had three great kids when we got married and I loved them dearly. and we had a little blue-eyed, blonde-headed girl of our own that was the apple of her daddy's eye. But this wife was doing the same thing the first one was doing. She was wanting to talk to me about my drinking. She said, Charlie, I love you deeply, but if you keep on drinking the way you drink, sooner or later, I'm going to have to take these kids, and I'm gonna have to leave here. And I gave her the same stock answer, don't you worry about my drinkin'. It could be a serious problem, I'll stop drinking. Thank God for the fellowship of Al-Anon. Barbara's sister brought her some literature about Al-A-Non and about alcoholism. And Barbara read that literature and she started going to meetings of Al Anon. and always before she started going to meetings of al-anon i could always pick a good fight with barbara when i needed to get really good drunk i could pick a fight with her and then it's justified for me to go do that but after she started growing out on she quit fighting with me and one day she turned on me just like a snake turns on you and she said i want to tell you something i said what's that she said i don't need you anymore i said you what she said i don' t need you any more she said i found somebody better than you are i said who in the hell is he and she says god as i understand him that i have found through the fellowship of al-anon and the kids and i will be able to live quite well without you thank you So if you don't want to do anything about your drinking, then sooner or later we'll separate. Shortly after that, Barbara came to me and she said, Charlie, my sponsor in Elanon is a lady named Wanda, and her husband is named Floyd. And he's a member of AA. She said, would you be willing to talk to Floyd if he would come over here at the house? And I said, well, yeah, I guess I would. In order to keep peace in the family, I agreed to do so. Floyd came over to my house and sat down with me in my kitchen. And Floyd did something for me that nobody else had ever been able to do. He sat down avec me at my kitchen table and he began to tell me about his drink and he didn't talk about mine. I assumed he was going to. Hell, everybody else had. Barbara had, the banker had, the sheriff had, everybody that knew me had, but this guy didn't want to talk about me. It kind of peed me off for a little bit. But he began to talk about his drinking. And he began to talk about the many, many times that he was going home and was going to have dinner with his wife and his children and he would stop off in a bar just to have one drink. And he said, hell, I might not get home at midnight that night or the next night or the week. i said my god floyd that's what's been happening with me all my life whenever i take a drink i can't quit and he proceeded to explain to me about the doctor's opinion and the physical allergy to alcohol and he talked about the many many times that he had sworn off drinking never going to take another drink as long as i live and he said that afternoon or or the next day I'd be sitting in a bar wondering how in the hell did I get here this time. And I said, my God, Floyd, that's what's been happening with me. I said hell, I just swore off three days ago and I was drunk again last night. And he proceeded to explain to me about this obsession of the mind. This idea that overcomes all ideas to the contrary. And he said, Charlie, it doesn't make any difference how much willpower you have. Sooner or later, your mind will tell you it's okay to take a drink. And you'll take a drink thinking it's going to be alright and any allergy takes over and you end up drunk and sick every time. He gave me just enough information to interest me. He said, would you be willing to go to AA meeting with me on Friday night? Now I didn't think I was alcoholic but I said, yeah, I'll go to an AA meeting with you on Friday night. And Floyd and Wanda and Barb and I went down to this little AA meeting in Siloam Springs, Arkansas. And as you walk in the door of the meeting, there's a little marble plaque on the side of it. It doesn't say AA, but it says Borderline Group. And I thought, this is a place for special people like me. I'm not really alcoholic, but I might be a borderline case. hell i was in a three years before i figured out it was called the borderline group because it was on the border line between aa and arkansas right on the state lines and i walked to that meeting and i was absolutely completely amazed when i walked in there you know i expected to see a bunch of old beat up broken down drunks I expected to see a bunch of people sitting around the table bemoaning the fact they could no longer drink I expected it to be I wanted to see if any women at all a bunchof old hags in there with their faces all beat up and their noses pushed sideways looking kind of like Frankenstein's sister and I walked in that room and I was amazed hell, all the people in thatroom were cleaned up and the guys were all shaved up those days they didn't wear very many beards the women were all cleaned up good hairdos makeup on their faces everybody looked great but I think the thing that impressed me the most and I hope to God I'll never forget it there was about 20 people in that room and every one of them walked up to me and shook my hand they said hello Charlie how are you they said man we're glad to have you here and that's the first time anybody had acted like they weren't glad to have me anywhere in a long damn time, you know. I was an outcast at home and I was an outclass with my friends and I wasn't outcast in society and my damn bird dogs didn't even like me anymore, you now. They made me feel good. And they said, Charlie, you been having a little trouble with alcohol? And I said, yeah, I guess I have. And that's the reason I'm here to find out what to do about it. And they proceeded to tell me. one guy said you need to go to four or five or six AA meetings a week if you want to stay sober he said you needs to be with people of your kind all you can possibly be with them if you wanna stay sober another guy handed me the big book Alcoholics Anonymous and he said take this book and read it and study it and do what it says and you'll be able to live without drinking if you really don't want to drink and another older guy And there I called him the old bald-headed poot. He looked at me, and he kind of smiled. And he said, Son... Now in those days, I was a lot younger than I am now. He said, Son, if you really want to stay sober, sooner or later you're going to have to make a decision to turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him. And I looked at these beautiful people, and I said to them, You guys have made me feel good, and I'm glad to be here. But I said, you guys don't understand me. I said I can't go to four or five or six AA meetings a week. I said I've got a 40 acre broiler chicken farm up here and I raise 45,000 chickens at one lick and I've gotta 100 cow operation over here and Iv'e got a 30 sow hog operation over there and Ive got a 500 hog feeder operation over her and I've got a red-headed wife and four kids and two bird dogs. And you've got to spend your time at home getting plenty of rest in order to be able to take care of all that stuff. I said, there's no way I can go to four, five, six, eight meetings a week. Opened up the big book where they told me to go. They told me to go to chapter 5 and I did and I read chapter 5 how it works what we just read while ago and I damn near vomited. Step one said we admitted we were powerless over alcohol. Our lives had become unmanageable. Hell, I'd never admitted I was powerless over anything, period. Step two said it came to be that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. And I said, hell, don't tell me I'm crazy. Yeah, I do some stupid things when I'm drinking. But when I am sober, I am much like other people. And I looked at the old bald-headed poot and I said don't talk about it. Don't tell Me about God. I said I know about God already. You see, I was born in a good old Southern Baptist church. And all I ever heard in that good old Southern Baptist Church was hell, fire, and brimstone. And I knew that if God was going to have anything to do with me, it wouldn't be anything good, period. I knew it already told St. Peter when that little four-eyed sucker gets up here and sends him downstairs, we'll not need his kind. But I said, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna come to your meetings down here every Friday night and I won't miss a meeting. And I'm wanna stay sober And if you don't believe me, you watch me. I'm getting ready to do it. Now, any other fellowship in the world would have taken an arrogant little SOB like me and picked him up by the seat of their britches and thrown him right out the door. They all just reared back and smiled and said, well, keep coming back. And I did. I went to their meetings every Friday night, didn't miss a meeting. And as time went by, I got sicker, and I got sinker, and I get sicker and I go sicker. You know, as my friend Joe over here says, when you first come to AA, They say you're going to feel better. You bet you you're going to feeling better. I felt resentment better and anger and fear and all that stuff that goes along with non-drinking. I wanted to feel better and I didn't know any way to feel better except to take a drink of alcohol and 90 days later I took a drink. I didnít have a slip. Hell, I knew I was going to take that drink before I took it. I took a drink and I triggered the allergy and I couldnít stop drinking and in those days when I drank I had to drink until I just got so sick I couldn't drink anymore. And maybe that would take two weeks, three weeks, four weeks, maybe five or six weeks. And when I'd get so sick I couldn'T drink anymore I would get to the liquor store and I would Get some beer to go along with my vodka. By this time I'm a Smirnoff vodka drinker, you know. And gradually I'd taper off of the vodka and get on to the beer. That takes about a week. And then gradually taper off the beer and stop drinking. And when I stopped drinking, I did the only thing I've ever done that's right. I went right back to the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Walked into a meeting at Siloam Springs on Friday night, and there they all stood, their hands sticking out, and they said, Hello, Charlie, how are you? They said, Man, we're glad to see you back. Have you been having a little trouble with alcohol? And I said, Well, yes, I have, and I guess that's the reason I'm here, to find out what to do about it. And they proceeded to tell me. One of them said, well, you need to go to four or five or six AA meetings a week. Another one says take the big book, study it, do what it says and you'll be okay. And the old bald-headed pood, he smiled and he said, son, sooner or later, you're going to have to make a decision, turn your will and your life over to the care of God as you understand Him. And I looked at these beautiful people and I said, you guys don't understand me. I said there's absolutely no way that I can do those things. But I tell you what I'm going to do, I'm coming to your meetings down here every Friday night and I'll work this program the way I want to and I'm going to stay sober and if you don't believe me, you watch me. I'm getting ready to do it. And they ran back and smiled and said keep coming back and I did and I went every Friday night and as time went by, I got sicker and I got sinker and I get sicker and I go sicker and I was sicker and I didn't know what to do and I just went by the 90 days and then I went 120 and then i went 150 and about 180 days life was absolutely not worth living any longer. I couldn't drink without getting drunk. I couldnít live without taking a drink. Life was absolutely no good, period. And I wanted to feel better. God, I wanted it. I wanted me to feel better and I only knew one way to feel better. And I took a drink of whiskey and I got drunk. And I got sick and I got in all kinds of trouble. Tapered off finally and came back hey, the only thing I ever did right walked into a meeting at Siloam Springs and there they all stood. Hands sticking out. They said, hello Charlie, how are you? They said man, we're glad to see you back. Have you been having a little trouble with alcohol? And I said yes, I have. And I guess that's the reason I'm here to find out what to do about it. And they proceeded to tell me. One of them said, by God, you need to go to four, five or six A meetings a week. An old boy took this book and he said take this damn book and do what it says, and you'll be all right. The old bald-headed poot, he didn't smile this time. He said, boy, I'm getting tired of telling you this. But sooner or later, you'll have to make the decision to turn your will and your life over to care of God as you understand Him. And I looked at these great people, and again, I said, you don't understand me. I can't do those things. As I look back at it now, I know why I couldn't do these things. Hell, I hadn't been defeated. I hadn' t had enough to drink yet. I could stop drinking on my own Well, if I could stop drinking on my own, then how could I be powerless over alcohol? And if I'm not powerless over alchohol, then all the other 11 steps that they were showing me didn't mean anything at all. So it was absolutely impossible for me to do those things. I was suffering, I guess, from what I call today an alcohol deficiency. I hadn't had quite enough of it yet. But I said, I'm going to come to your meetings and I'm gonna work this program the way I want to. and if I'm going to stay sober, you better believe me, I'm getting ready to do it. And they all reared back and smiled and said, keep coming back. And I did. I went every Friday night, didn't miss a Friday night. And I went by that six-month period. Nine months later, I had reached a point in my life where I had about one of three different choices. I felt so lousy. You know, my God, I feel so sorry for people in AA today. who are trying to stay sober without using the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. They're absolutely miserable. I'd never been as miserable before in my lifetime. Sure, I was sober, but I didn't feel very good. And I wanted to feel better. And I knew if I took a drink of whiskey, I'd feel better, but I also knew that if I take a drink a whiskey, I was going to get drunk and get sick and in all kinds of trouble just as sure as anything. that was one choice I had to take a drink another choice I had was to pick up this book and start working this program in here like they'd been telling me to and the third choice was to blow my brains out and I very very seriously considered all three and finally it looked to me like the easier softer way would be to take an hour to take a drink and I did and I got drunk And I got sick, and I got in all kinds of trouble. And this time I began to taper off, but it didn't work. I'd drink that beer, and it was just like drinking water, and all I could do was drink vodka. And I'd pass out, and... And I'D wake up in a few hours, and I'd say, I'm not going to drink anymore today. I just can't drink anymore now. I've got to get out. I've GOT to get OUT of here. I've Got to DO something. I'VE GOT TO GO TO WORK. But I'd have to drink some more vodka. and Barbara and the kids moved me into the utility room on an old cot and I laid out there on that cot for days. I'd drink vodka and I'd pass out and I would wake up and I drank vodka and passed out and I got to where I couldn't drink water and couldn't smoke cigarettes and couldn' t drink coffee all I could do was drink that vodka over and over and Barbara did something for me that nobody else had ever done before. She stuck her head in that utility room door and she said, Hon, you're sick, aren't you? And I said, yes, I am. And she said do you have anything left to drink? And I says no, I don't. And she says I'll be right back. And about 30 minutes later she came back with a brown paper sack and she says six and I say 12 pint bottles of vodka all different flavors every flavor they had in the liquor store and she handed it to me and she said here you love this more than you love anything else now I thought for years she was doing that out of the goodness of her heart but I finally figured out that she had learned in Al-Anon let him drink all he wants to drink and the more he drinks the faster he drinks the better off it will be and he'll either get sober finally or he'll die one of the two and in either case her problems would be over. So she was doing it not only to help me but to help herself. I woke up in that utility room one day and I knew I couldn't do it. I knew it couldn't stop this time and I didn't want to die drunk I didn't want to die drunk then I don't want to die drunk today and I did something I'd never done before in my life I turned to Barbara and I said Barbara I need help I can't stop drinking and that's all she was waiting on she called my friend Floyd and Floyd and a fellow named Buss Hester came over to my house and they looked in the utility room door and I'll never forget old Buss he was a great big tall guy old telephone line repairman out of new mexico and he looked at me and he turned to floyd and he said floyd we can't sober him up he says said if we try to sober him up he's going to die just sure as anything we're going to have to get him some medical help now in those days you could hardly get one of us into a hospital but floyd said i know a doctor i think will take him and he said we'll get him in the hospital and floyd turned to me and said charlie come on let's get you cleaned up, get you some clean clothes on. Let's take you to the hospital and get you some help. And I looked at these two great guys and I said, no boys, I don't believe I'm that bad. I believe I can handle this by myself. And thank God for AA. Because Buzz said to Floyd, let's go home. He said nothing we can do to help him until he's ready for us to help him. There's nothing we can do to help him. Let's go home. And they left. But as they left, Floyd said, Charlie, if you need me, call me. I'll be back. And some two or three or four or five, six hours later somehow I managed to get to the phone and I called Floyd and he immediately came to my house and when he got there I was sitting on the front porch drinking a can of beer trying to get well enough to go to the hospital and floyd got out of his pickup truck and he said come on boy let's go bring your beer with you and you can drink it on the way and i said no floyd no i don't want this beer i said have i said i've had all i can stand i just can't drink anymore and we walked away from my home with a half a can of beer sitting on the front porch in 26 years of drinking that's the first time i ever remember walking away from a drink of anything that had alcohol in it. They took me to the hospital, and there they gave me the proper medication to ward off the convulsions, DTs, and et cetera. I woke up in there about three days later. I don't really know what all transpired. I had bruises on my wrist and my ankles where apparently I'd been tied down to the bed. I remember lots of screaming and hollering And hell raising I didn't see any snakes But I saw a horse The old white horse Come into that hospital room And he sat down in a chair In the corner And crossed his hind legs And he had a pair of glasses on As long as he had his glasses on He'd talk to me but when he took his glasses off he wouldn't say a damn word I can remember that just so clearly you know when we alcoholics tell you we've seen those things believe us we've seeing those things now I'm pretty sure that horse wasn't in that room but by God he was to me and I woke up in there in a place that I'd never been before I wokeup in aplace of absolute complete defeat I knew if I left that hospital I was going to drink and I knew that if I drank, I was going to die. I have no problem identifying with Bill Wilson in the big book when he says, No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I'd met my match. I'd been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master. Now, I'd be in AA for a year and a half and I didn't know what to do about that. I knew if I left there I was going to drink and I didn't know how I was gonna keep from drinking but a thought came to mind that another older member had said to me one time sometime in that 18 months he'd said if you ever face a position of complete absolute desperation try a prayer and see what happens now I remember laying in that bed looking up at the ceiling and saying to myself or do I dare pray? And I said, no, you don't pray. Strong-willed people like you, Charlie, stand on their own two feet. They don't pay. They don'y pray to nothing. And my mind said, well, what are you going to do if you don' t pray? And my mine said, well, it wouldn' t do any good because God' s not going to have anything to do with you anyhow. And my line said, yeah, but what are your going to d o if you d'on' t? And my min finally said, well, you know, there's nobody else in this room. And if I uttered a prayer and it did or didn't work, wouldn't make any difference, nobody would ever know I'd done it anyhow. And I looked up at that ceiling and I said, God, if there is a kind and a loving God, can You remove from me the obsession to drink? Now, I don't know what happened. I didn't feel like Bill Wilson. I didn' t feel as if the great clean wind of a mountaintop blew through and through. I didn't see any lights flashing. I didn' t hear any bells ring. But the instant I said that prayer, I knew I never had to drink again if I didn''t want to. I didn ''t know for sure how I was not going to. But I knewI never hadto drink again if I didnt want to." I left that hospital and did the only thing I've ever done right. I went right back to the meeting at Siloam Springs on Friday night and there they all stood. Their hands sticking out and they said, Hello Charlie, how are you? They said, man, we're glad to see you back. You've been having a little trouble with alcohol? I said, yes, I have. But I didn't ask them what to do about it. And they didn't tell me what to doing about it I started going to four or five Or six AA meetings a week I picked up the big book Alcoholics Anonymous I began to read it and study it Not from chapter 5 But from the very beginning of the book Back into the doctor's opinion I began To ask that God that I did not understand then and still do not understand today. I begin to ask Him every morning, God, please God, please God just one more day. Give me the strength and the power to make it one more Day. I begin to thank that God when I went to bed tonight. Thank you God for another day's sobriety. Don't let anything happen to me tonight that you can't take care of. And the next morning I ask Him again. And slowly, slowly, slow over a period of time I began to feel a little bit better. That old restlessness and irritability and discontent began to leave me. You know, that has been 12,551 days ago today. And I haven't had to take a drink since that time. And I'm always amazed that when we finally give up and admit absolute and complete defeat and concede to our innermost self that we're alcoholic and we'll never be able to drink I'm always amazed what happens to people like us. We read How It Works a while ago, which contains the 12-step program of Alcoholics Anonymous. For years and years, I wondered not only how it works, but why it works. And I think we finally figured it out. You know, they tell us in the big book that we are spiritually ill, we are mentally ill, and we are physically ill. And that is referring to the three dimensions of life that all human beings have to live in. If God dwells within each of us, and our book says He does, then that means I have to leave with God whether I like it or not is beside the point. I don't have any choice. The only choice I have is to live with God in harmony or disharmony. We all have a mind. Sometimes we act like we don't, but we do. my only choice is to live in my mind in harmony or disharmony I don't know if any group of human beings in the world had ever got in more disharminy with their minds than we alcoholics have for years I thought the physical was my body but today I realize the physical is the world and everything in the word not only my body but your body too and my job and my car and my family and my everything in the physical world and we don't have any place else to live except here on earth whether we like it or not is beside the point the only question is do we live here in harmony or disharmony I don't know anybody in the world got any more disharminy with a world and everything in it than we alcoholics have we were sick mentally or spiritually and mentally and physically and one day I read in the big book Alcoholics Anonymous that our program as a design for living. And suddenly it gelled in my head what had happened. You see, in step one, two, and three I got right with God for the first time in my life because I was absolutely powerless. I saw the need for the power and I made a decision in three to go after that power. And I decided to let God be the director. Forty years of living and I'd never decided to let God be the director. And I got right with God in 1, 2, and 3 and that removed just enough self-will to let me look within my own head. And within my old head, I found out what causes my mental problems. I made my list of resentments and my fears and my harms done to others and I could see through step 4 where I had developed a certain type of personality living the alcoholic life that I had lived. And if I didn't change it, I'd never get any better. Talked about it to God and another human being became willing to have God take it away and begin to work on the removal of those things in 7. I got right at my head in 4, 5, 6, and 7. That removed just enough self-will then to let me reach out to my fellow man and begin the repair of the damage that I have done in steps 8 and 9. And one day I woke up to the fact that I had experienced the promises in the big book, Alcoholics Anonymous. They came as the result of the first nine steps. And the reason they came is I was right with God, I was Right With Myself, and I Was Right With My Fellow Man, and I felt damn good. But I also found out that nothing in our universe ever stays the same. Everything is in a constant state of change. I had made a tremendous amount of spiritual growth through the first nine steps, but I couldn't stop there. Because if I tried to stop there with the promises, eventually I would begin to slip back, slip back and slip back. Start having trouble with people and me and God and get drunk all over again. You know, a lot of people tell us and Don's going to talk about this on Friday night. A lot of People tell us that the last three steps, 10, 11, and 12 are maintenance steps. I don't believe they are. I think the word maintenance is a misnomer. Maintenance means to keep something as is, and there's no way we can keep something as is. Everything is changing. I think step 10 and 11 and 12 are growth steps. And they are designed to rocket me into a fourth dimension of existence far, far beyond the normal three. My God, I could stand here tonight and I could talk for three hours at least on the things that have happened to me since I've been sober. The things that Have Happened To Me Since I Decided To Work The Program Of Alcoholics Anonymous. The Places I've Been And The Things I've Seen Absolutely Defy Description. I've Got To Tell You One Short Story. and they cried you all know that we started this big book study thing way back in the 1970's one Joe is here with me now but I started it with another one he was a black guy out of Little Rock and Joe and I became closer than brothers over a period of years and there was a fellow in the general service office who was an archivist named Frank Mouser and Frank used to go with us and we would do our big book study over the weekends and Frank would do AA history and traditions on Saturday night and we made one hell of a team now by God we really did and one day we were going getting ready to go to England and I'd read way back when I was a kid in the 1930's about the fact that sooner or later where the English and French were going to dig a channel under the English Channel. And I said to myself then, if they ever make that channel, I'm going to go through that thing. Well, of course, you all know they made the channel. And I called old Joe and I said, Joe, when we go to England, let's ride through the channel and go from London to Paris, France. Now, I'm an old chicken farmer from northwest Arkansas. Joe's an old black waiter. You know, we don't have any damn business doing that kind of stuff. I said, well, Joe, do you want to go? And he said, Well, Charlie, I don't know. He said, You know I can't swim. I said well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll ask God if it's going to be all right and I'll let you know. And he said, okay. And the next time I talked to him, I said, well, I asked God, and God said it would be all right. And he says, okay, we'll go. And I called my friend Frank who was living in New York City, and I said Frank, you've got the means to be able to get us tickets on that thing. I can't get them from Maysville, Arkansas. Get us some tickets for the channel. And we went to England, and we got on that channel train in London. and max speed in London, since the track hadn't been completely rebuilt, was about 85 miles an hour. And we started under the channel through the channel, and we came up on the other side in France, and the track is completely rebuilt all the way, and he began to speed her up. And I didn't know how fast we were going. We went by an airport, and I saw a 737 landing, and I know that they landed at 130 miles an hour and hell, we were running off leaving him. And finally they came on and said we've reached maximum speed of 185 miles an hours. And we ended up in Paris and we spent the night and the next day we got back on and rode the train back to London. And my friend Frank, he's dead now. He's gone. and my friend Joe has Parkinson's disease and he can hardly walk anymore. But I'll always remember riding under the channel with Frank and Joe. I'll never forget that. I'll ever always remember that. Another little bitty short story. This fellow, this fellow named Floyd that took me to my first AA meeting. He was my ebby. Because you see, Floyd never could stay sober. Floyd would stay sober 30 days, 60 days and get drunk. I'd been sober 3, 4, 5, 6 years and I said, by God, I'm going to sober him up. I'm gonna get that guy sober. And I took Floyd to an AA meeting every night for a year. 365 nights in a row. didn't miss a night and in those days on on the first birthday we gave we always gave a guy a lighter with his name on it and his sobriety date and i got to give floyd his lighter that friday night and he cried and i cried and everybody in the place cried and the next day floyd threw the damn lighter away and got drunk. My friend Floyd, who saved my life, died four or five years ago in a confined nursing home, a hopeless cripple, and a complete wet brain. And I say to myself every day. You know, why not me? How come Floyd died and I didn't? It's only, only by the grace of God. A gift unmerited. I did nothing to deserve it. I tried every way I could to not work your program. But somehow I managed to give up and surrender. And I found the grace of God. Isn't that something? I think we people are the luckiest people in the world. Most alcoholics are going to die not even knowing they're an alcoholic. Some 3 or 4% of us stumble, and less than 1% of Us are recovering. We're talking about one or two out of a hundred. We have the opportunity to live two lifetimes in one lifetime. Very few people get that opportunity. Now I ask you the question, do you think I love the Fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous? Do you think I love the big book AlcoholicsAnonymous with all my heart? Do you think I'll love this God as I understand Him with all me heart and all me soul? Do you think I'm an A.A. fundamentalist? I do too and I hope to stay that way forever. thank you all for being here tonight