Step 10 — Daily Inventory – Kathleen B. – Wilson House Big Book Workshop Retreat – 2026

Hi everybody, I'm Rick Alcoholic. Rick! Gotta put some glasses on here, hold on. Step 10 passage. This thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commence this way of living as we cleaned up the past. We have entered the world of the spirit. Our next function is to grow in understanding and effectiveness. This is not an overnight matter. It should continue for our lifetime. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help. Love and tolerance of others is our code. And we have ceased to... fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time, sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor. If tempted, we recoil from it as from a hot flame. We react sanely and normally, and we will find that this has happened automatically. We will see that our new attitude toward liquor has been given us without any thought or effort on our part. It just comes. This is the miracle of it. We are not fighting it. Neither are we avoiding temptation. We feel as though we have been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. We have not even sworn off. Instead, the problem has been removed. It does not exist for us. We are neither... We are neither cocky, nor are we afraid. This is our experience. That is how we react, so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. Thank you. Thank you, Rick. Thank you, Rick. Hi, my name is Andy. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Andy. It's a little hot. We're good? We're good? Okay. So, yeah. Obviously, when we're talking about step 10, we want to go back to the doctor's opinion, right? Just me? I know why. She knows why. She took that note in my book. She started taking notes in my book. I noticed with these new books here, like proper highlighting, the book actually suggests if you meet a person who needs a copy of this book, you can lend them your copy in the interim. Right? And I did that with my first big book that I had all my awesome highlighting and notes in and stuff. And I gave it to this guy. He's like, here you go. I'm doing the thing that says to do in the book. The book disappeared. It's gone somewhere. So then I got this cool one from Myers Ramers Book Bindery. It's got a little it's got the little big book dictionary in the back, which is handy, too. So if you're wondering, why does his book look weird and there's not enough notes in there, I've been kind of going up the I really wish I had my original one, but I've been kind of just like, well, just have a new experience every single time and not have stuff to highlight it. Because I feel like as soon as I start highlighting it, I'm going to want to highlight everything. But anyways, Kath started taking notes in my book anyways. She'd just steal it and bring it to a meeting and start putting notes in. I'm like, what are we doing here? Anyways, she has this She's trying to help me. Good point, Dick. She's a teacher, yeah. So what's connected to me for this 10-Step Promises is one of my favorite stories in the whole big book, which is the guy that hides in the deserted barn determined to die. And that's because I identified so much with this guy that hid in the deserted barn determined to die. I hid in my mom's basement determined to die. A searching party rescued me. A series of miracles. This random therapist that I went to one time popped the suggestion in my head and I begged them to come save my life. After his physical rehabilitation, after my DH, after my detox down the street, a series of miracles got me into that treatment center. And he goes, he was rescued by a searching party and in desperate condition brought to me the doctor. Following his physical rehabilitation, he had a talk with me in which he frankly stated he thought the treatment a waste of effort. Unless I could assure him, which no one ever had, that in the future he would have the willpower to resist the impulse to drink. And I remember being in Spectrum, there's the room where they had all the meetings. It was like the cafeteria. And we were having a group there. And the group was being run by the guy in charge of the whole house. The head whatever. I can't remember what they're called right now. I always forget the name for that. Head drunk. No, the funny part is what's interesting about that comment is if I had known he was a drunk, then I might have actually received it better. But I thought he was just the dude that was in charge. I got like 10 days sober. I'm shake, rattle, and roll. I'm not sleeping. I'm sweating. I'm all over the place. You see me now bobbing my leg all the time. You should have seen me 10 days sober, man. Like holy crap. He's on the whiteboard. And he's talking to us through the script. And he goes, it's just a choice. It's just a choice. And I have this visceral memory. I know exactly where I was sitting. There were the chairs just like the chairs you guys are sitting in with the wire rims. And I just remember wanting to pick up my chair and wrap it around the back of this guy's head. What do you mean it's just a choice? What do you mean? I don't have a choice. I haven't had a choice for two years straight. And I found out through going through this process that what I'm talking about there where I don't have a choice, that is the insanity of the first drink. I knew exactly what was going to happen every time I picked up. And I made the decision to pick up anyways. Right? That's insane. I'm picking up a loaded gun spinning the spinny revolver thing. You can see I'm not a gun owner. You know the spinny revolver thing, right? And I'm pulling the trigger. Right? The cylinder. Thank you. I am an engineer. I should have known that one. And you know I know every single time I do it that I might die. Right? And I choose to do it anyways. And that is a truth that we must learn. And it is also a temporary truth. We do not need to remain insane when it comes to alcohol for the rest of our lives. In fact, we are actually guaranteed our sanity back on page 84. Maybe you missed it. And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone even alcohol for by this time sanity will have been returned. Holy cow. So you're saying I don't need to walk around in fear of the dude jumping out of the bushes for the rest of my life. That's amazing news. I can watch the Super Bowl and see the beer ads and maybe even see the Pats win. I'm going to be okay. . . That was I set myself up for that. That was stupid. Go Seahawks. . . So that's the guarantee that we get. And that's you know it's in the step 10 promises but it's basically saying that by this time you're spiritually fit. So it's implying that the work that we've done in steps 4 through 9 has gotten us to the point where we're now spiritually fit. How do I stay spiritually fit? I don't know. Maybe keep doing the exact same things I did to get spiritually fit. Right? Is the 10th step some new amazing thing? I mean it's saying right here continue to watch for selfishness dishonesty, resentment and fear. When these crop up right? We ask God at once to remove them. That sounds a lot like steps 4 and 6 and 7. We discuss them with someone immediately. That sounds a lot like step 5. Make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone. That sounds a lot like step 9. Right? But the difference here is all of the words, the describer words of immediacy. Right now. Immediately. Right? It's my walking around step. And nowhere in here does it say write it down. Maybe I do sometimes. Right? But it's not saying now go back and make a list. It's not saying oh you've done this shitty thing at the grocery store so wait until you get home and grab your special notebook and light the special candle. It doesn't say that. This is the walking around step. This is the I'm going to take action now step. I just realized that it slipped out of my mouth and I wanted to take it back so I'm going to make amends quickly. Right? If I need to I do the inventory. Sometimes I can do the inventory in my head. I've done it enough. We've done a fourth step at this point. Right? We've probably written down selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, afraid hundreds of times. If not at least dozens. Right? So we kind of have it down. I can kind of visualize the paper. I can quickly go through that. Right? Because not everything for me rises to the level of this is a resentment that needs to be taken care of right away. Or this is a resentment that needs to be taken care of. Resentment remember is re-feel. Right? Somebody cuts me off in traffic and I you know my fear kicks in. Holy crap I thought I was going to die. Right? Came out of nowhere. Right? I might honk the horn. I might scream. You know? I might have a visceral reaction. I thought I was going to die. Right? Came out of nowhere. Right? And then the guy drives off and I move on with my day. That's fine. Do I follow him? Do I make sure that he knows what my middle finger looks like? Do I think about it later that night when I'm going to bed? Do I think about it the next day when I cross that same spot in the highway? Now I'm re-feeling. Right? But some stuff you know like I'm going to react to life. Right? I'm not always going to be the spiritual guru monk. Right? It's how do I react. Right? How do I avoid the tree? Um and yeah like uh um Aaron this guy Aaron um that uh that I went to the jail with for for quite a while um doing a doing a commitment at the uh at Worcester County Corrections um we we did a whole session in the book together and it was really great um and he uh he I loved this metaphor he had for steps 10 and 11. He talks about the fact that like when they're building skyscraper. Right? They're 84 84 floors up on a skyscraper. And on the 83rd floor they have a net. Right? Because if you drop a wrench right? By the time that wrench hits the ground it could literally kill someone. They have a net right there. But you know what else they have? They also have a net on the second floor that's really really big. Just in case something misses the first net. Right? And that for me is step 11. It's the it's the inventory part of step 11. Right? And the like look if if you want to say that the the nightly inventory is step 10 like it's semantics whatever. The point is that we have an immediate inventory process or or immediate like uh four through nine process on a daily basis standing up walking around doing it right now. And then just in case I missed anything there's these series of nine questions that I can ask myself before going to bed every night. Right? It is not expected that I am going to walk around as soon as I've done step nine or really at any I doubt at any time before I die that I am going to be at a place where I am not ever being selfish dishonest or resentful or afraid. Right? When these crop up not if. Right? Now when I get to step 11 it uses slightly different language. It goes when we retire at night we can structurally review our day. Were we resentful selfish dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time or were we thinking of what we could do for others and what we could pack into the stream of life? Right? And then it immediately goes we must be careful not to drift into uh worry remorse or reflection. This isn't a tally to see how much I screwed up today. Right? It's a reminder to make sure that I'm catching stuff before it gets worse and worse. Right? The longer I hold on to the resentment the more my head gets blurred with the slow mo of what happened to me and the less and less becomes like what I did to them and the resentment gets worse and worse. Right? The quicker that we can catch it the better. So that's why we have that net at the second floor. Right? That's my nightly inventory for step 11. Um Do you want to jump in there and we'll talk about the meditation part afterwards? Sure. Or wherever you want to or I can keep rambling. No I can share that's fine. Hi I'm Kathleen I'm an alcoholic. Um Yeah I think that you know I remember when my sponsor read that that um paragraph to me um getting into the step 10 directions you know she was like oh you know I hear the word continue a lot you know it says continue four times in that paragraph and um there is this like emphasis that like we're gonna get to keep practicing this um we're not done you know and um and like Andy described like this this whole purpose here is um to grow in our understanding and effectiveness. So if I continue to practice these um these habits of like self awareness and um connection with higher power seeking higher powers like direction and asking God to remove them um like owning my mistakes as quickly as I can and making those amends um and then looking for ways to be helpful like that sounds like a set of directions for like how to be an effective person in this world right it just sounds like it's like I'm learning how to be a good person actually our kids have asked us over the years they're um they're five and seven and uh they don't ask often we've always gone to meetings like since they were babies it's just like been like a normal part of their like lives but like every now and then they've asked like oh why do you go to meetings and we say to um to learn how to be good people and to keep practicing the being a good person and to help other people who want to learn how to be a good person and that's kind of what this whole thing is about you know we also drink or you know we used to drink so there's like there's that comp but really like that's the higher aim here right because at this point um if I've gone through steps one through nine I did feel like I'd been placed in a position of neutrality safe and protected alcohol and drugs was no longer the problem for me but my thinking and my attitude could continue to be a problem it is all the time you know my expectations my little plans and designs that can be the problem in my day and the way that I perceive the happenings in front of me that can create more issues you know um and so I get to continue to practice this I remember when MJ was facilitating at the Shrewsbury Big Book meeting that meets on Tuesday nights at St. Mary's and you know he was we were coming up to this page and he was like tonight we're gonna learn about AA's secret code and I was like what so excited you know and he said somebody had said that you know he was at a meeting and somebody had shared that you know and it goes back to like none of us are really sharing anything original aside from my own personal experience but like no I don't know anybody who's like they're the one they're the expert on the big book right like they're the one who knows the stuff it's like we've all been just like recycling like these amazing little golden nuggets over the years that have resonated and been very meaningful to us you know um and love and tolerance of others is our code and that's another one that's like great to like write on a little piece of paper and stick in all my pockets you know it's just like I need that I need those reminders um because um because it's easy to love other alcoholics you know what I mean I look around the room and I'm like it's very very easy to love all of you um and the world that we live in um it's easier for me to get hung up on uh on the other stuff that comes that can block me from loving you um sorry I'm just doing a quick okay good we're till 6 15 it's still Kathleen laughter oh you're awesome no it's great you know in this section they say they remind us that like all we have is this daily reprieve and it's contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition um and so it's on me to be aware of the things that are hard for me to maintain my spiritual condition and um you know I have a sponsor who has a sponsor and I sponsor women and the goal is that they'll sponsor women and um or people and uh and the thing that I um that I really appreciate with like all of the contact that I have with my sponsor is that she continues to bring me back to this work and because she knows all of all about like the things that bring up resentment and fear for me in my life she asks me great questions you know like we um you know everybody I so when we talk on our weekly call and I'm like sharing stuff that's going on sometimes it's like written inventory and sometimes it's like things that I want to tell her about um you know last week it was like oh yeah Andy's going to be leaving for Texas tomorrow and he was going to be gone for a week she was like so what do you think what usually happens when he comes home and we she and I know that I have a pattern that when I solo parent for extended time some people do this all the time by the way and I'm like blown away by any anybody who anyways but I'm uh you know I'm like I'm like oh I'm parenting by myself you know like oh woe is me life's so hard and um but you know but I so he gets he's coming back and she says you know what's going to happen right I go yeah I know what's going to happen I'm going to have expectations that he is going to be on and 100% helpful the second he steps in the door and there is no way that he will meet my expectations and she's like and I didn't no problem and uh and it's like that like there's so much power in having a sponsor that you are in this work with who like that's why like in the fifth step they say like a self appraisal is not sufficient you know like today the narrative I've got going on in my own head it's not very helpful I still need to share that with a sponsor or another recovered alcoholic if I can't get a hold of her you know and I know a bunch that I can talk to and they will listen and they will ask me great questions and that's something that I really appreciate today is that like the people who love me they're not there to like say like yeah that jerk like he should be more helpful or blah blah blah blah because like that's not helpful you know what I mean that's just like that's just like let's get in there together let's like let's feel the resentment together you know they're like right so sounds like you have unreasonable expectations what are you doing about this like you know like are you being honest are you being up front about like what you need is there something there that you can let go of is it unreasonable to expect that of him you know like they're just they ask me great questions to get me to reflect on what I can do differently instead of focusing on how other people need to change and that's really really helpful and important work and I continue like when I sponsor other women like we'll talk about step 12 more tomorrow but like you know I'm not interested in character assassinating anybody's like boyfriend husband partner you know like that's not helpful right and I think so much of this comes back to my ability to have reliance on spirit because that's where like the clarity comes from that's like that's where the perspective shift is like rooted it's in like connection to God to be able to even see what the truth is whether it's putting pen to paper whether it's being willing to have honest uncomfortable conversations with people to reflect on myself and to have a desire to make changes when things become objectionable to me and it can be really humbling you know like it's not I want to be right still you know even though that means I'm not going to end up being happy you know that's like an old idea that's like hardwired in my brain like I need to prove that I'm right and that you did it wrong you need to see because then I'll be right forever you know that's the goal I did forget the comb he forgot the comb okay I packed everything I forgot to pack a comb I really screwed up guys it's um it's great to it's really really awesome to be an alcoholic who can have a reaction and then be like that wasn't the best reaction and I wish I had a different reaction and I'm going to work on that and I'm going to talk to God about that and I'll see you later and I still love you even though you forgot the comb you know what I mean like it's really it's amazing I think a lot of us grew up in houses where like the relationship that we got to witness for most of our lives like people probably weren't talking to each other in very loving and kind ways or like acknowledging mistakes and trying to repair that and um and what I wanted to comment on in step 10 is that I make a lot of mistakes with my own children and um and that's really hard I think I really really wanted to be the perfect mom and like always say or do the right thing and that doesn't happen a lot um and you know my sponsor's like amazing and reminding me like you get to continue to try tomorrow you know and sometimes it's like today you know like I'm in the day with her and we're talking and it's like I can continue to try to be more patient and more loving and seek to understand them versus it being all about me and my timeline and what I need them to do to make the things happen you know um to see them as God's children instead of instead of like these little people that I need to like force to do the things on my timeline you know um that love and tolerance of them should be my code you know um it was like really easy when they were babies you know and like I just think it gets harder and harder as they get older and then and then some days it's not hard at all and that really doesn't have to do with me it has to do with God and me not like forcing my own will that's what that feels like you know they talk about it in here it's like we don't struggle anymore you know yeah all of this is contingent on me being in fit spiritual condition so I do things today that set myself up to be able to be patient and loving like we talked earlier about like acting as if but also like what kind of prep work can I do so that I can be a loving patient kind person today and some of the things for me is like getting up early like exercising early in the morning really like it like helps me with like my mental and emotional clarity and then like praying and having quiet time where I'm like reading some spiritual literature like these are actions that I can be willing to take that set me up to then be more available to make good decisions and be a good person you know and then I'm not constantly feeling like I'm in regret or like needing to clean up the past I just want to make a comment about step 11 in the inventory the questions like the when we retire at night those questions are really really helpful I've gone through different periods in sobriety where I do different things with those questions like at one point I had a notebook and I'd write out my answer to all the questions as many nights as I was like awake enough to do it you know and then there's been periods of time where like I looked at the questions more as like a meditative reflection and then if anything stuck out to me I'd put pen to paper and like write down something that like felt like it needed to um to be uh to be noted um and then there's been times in my life where like I've been out of practice with like looking at these questions on a nightly basis um and then I come back to them because I'm like something feels off you know um and I love the idea of like they are a great net for if there's something we didn't catch during the day they like come back you know um last week I had like a a weird an interaction with like another person in my group who had felt um had felt bad that I hadn't gotten back to him about something you know and I'd kind of been I'd forgotten to just like return his phone call and like it was an unintentional harm and I didn't know um and you know he ended up expressing to to us that he was hurt that he hadn't heard back from us and at first I was like really indignant that like he couldn't be more sympathetic about how like we're whatever our lives are busy and not being able to understand that we didn't get back to him and then it was like it stuck with me like this is a person that I love and he felt he felt hurt that we didn't get back to him and so the right thing to do is to like let him know that that was a mistake I made and that I really love him and I don't want to do that again you know and um and it's humbling to admit that I've made a mistake because my ego pops up and is like I didn't do anything wrong you know you can you should be more understanding and it's like I don't need to prove that today I don't need to justify why I did what I did all I need to do is like be as useful as possible right to try to do God's will um and that was another opportunity to do that um the directions for on awakening are amazing there are some days when I read them and it serves me well it serves me really well to read these in the morning um especially the parts that say you know we're gonna ask God for some for some inspiration an intuitive thought or decision and I don't know like if I'm gonna like I don't know what's gonna come up during my day so I might be thinking like it's gonna be a normal day I don't need any like special intuition but like stuff might come up and this might be very helpful right we're gonna relax and take it easy we don't struggle we're often surprised how the right answers will come after we've tried this for a while so once again there's like big emphasis on like I'm gonna need to practice this and continue um because just because I've gotten to step ten doesn't mean that I'm gonna be inspired by spirit all the time to know what the right thing is um the most important thing for me here is to be able to pause um and ask for the right thought or action yeah sure okay thanks Kath um I uh couple things I was thinking about um as Kath was talking uh one was early on I was sponsoring this guy gone through gotten up to the point where he was uh making amends and stuff and uh he'd gotten through a portion of his amends and we started talking about uh ten and eleven and uh I think he I can't remember if he was raising his hand for sponsorship yet or not but he definitely didn't have a sponsor yet or a sponsee yet um but uh there was this thing that kept troubling him that kept coming up over and over again and he kept like coming back to me to basically just complain about it right like over and over again right and I'm like dude uh I think it sounds like you have a resentment and you should therefore write some resentment inventory and he was appalled he's like I already did my fourth step right what are you talking about right I'm like dude what are you talking about like no no no we're not done we're doing this we're doing the deal man we're doing this for the rest of our lives right yes the same exact tools that got you here are the same exact tools that will keep you here right chopping wood and carrying water MJ loves that one that's an Earl H thing as well we chop the wood and we carry the water right um he uh I there was a while where uh when I was being sponsored by Timmy where eventually I'd call him up and uh you know we got to a point where we didn't uh you know our lives started getting busy he had kids uh he moved further away we weren't always able to get to the same meetings we weren't like necessarily like having a conversation one on one like every week even right and uh so it could go a couple weeks where I wouldn't necessarily even talk to him and um and uh every now and then I'd get to a point where uh stuff was you know a little squirrely you know like you know like a lot going on I'm getting like a little off the beam right and I'd call him up to tell him about it and his first question would always be how's 10 and 11 going right I mean like that's that's it man like how's 10 like at this point right like that's where I get right back to it cause even even when I'm sponsoring guys right I can still end up getting squirrely if I'm not getting back to 10 and 11 cause I could be sponsoring three guys and all of them are in the first you know 40 pages of the book right and we're focusing we're laser focused on steps one and two right and we're not talking about all this other stuff that I need to be practicing right so I can still get away from that you know how's 10 and 11 going and that's what I ask my sponsees today when they uh when they're getting squirrely right and they have a conversation about that um I it we go through different seasons of life I don't know if that's a Kelly thing but I hear her say all the time and when I was in that season of life where you know my job didn't require a ton of me and you know I didn't have any kids and my girlfriend was also like you know top top priority was doing step work with sponsees right and I was just had all this time to devote to it we would you know I was you know I would go stretches where like every single night for six months straight I'd write down you know the uh the 11 step questions right and I'd have the little app and I'd type it in there and I'd send it to Timmy right like I was doing it consistently and um and there's you know as the seasons of life change that's just gotten more difficult and the thing that's gotten a lot more difficult for me is uh having little kids the prayer meditation in the morning on awakening right on awakening I open my eyes to a little five year old staring at me going dad I'm awake you know it's like I don't think I'm meditating for 20 minutes right now you know so um that season of life uh you know in this season of life uh it looks a little different and I have to I have to approach it differently um there was a period of time where uh I'd wake up and I'd be able to share this with Kath and we'd spend 20 minutes you know in the morning you know meditating we'd uh read saw through prayer and meditation you know talk about what we just read it was great right the good old days and all of that was to get well enough that I could have this wonderful family right get to have this wonderful family to wake up at 5 55 every frickin morning right and if I get up early you know it's like oh we'll just get up at 5 30 right I get up earlier and they hear the little squeak of the gate and all of a sudden it doesn't work guys alright not consistently um and uh the other thing I'm reminded of is the fact that uh you know interesting data point here is the fact that the guy with the most sobriety in the room when they wrote this book was Bill W with about three and a half years right and this this worked for a guy with no kids and no job for three and a half years with three and a half years of sobriety right and I'm not saying don't do this I'm saying absolutely do it right do it like it's going to save your life because it will right but over time right we might need to find different ways to approach the thing or the same thing that worked for the past five years maybe doesn't have that same effect that it does that it used to right those who earnestly seek right and I can keep finding different ways to find God right I can keep finding different ways to connect with God and um I uh I you know when early on like that uh meditation thing for me looked like in my mind you know I heard meditation and I read meditation and I heard Zen Buddhist meditation right and uh I certainly couldn't sit still for that long so I got into like guided meditations and I you know I got the inside timer app and you know I got the guided meditation they're telling me what to think right they're telling me what how to breathe right and it was great and uh it was it was it was fantastic and it was effective absolutely it's not all at all what Bill was talking about it's not even close right the meditation that they were actually talking about in this book actually came from the Oxford group um and if I'm incorrect in any of this please come correct me at some point but I'm gonna tell you what I've been told maybe it's slightly off but uh the Oxford group um what they would do is they would sit most of the time together in a room with a pad of paper next to them and they would listen for what God had to tell them now that sounds a little crazy right like oh God just spoke to me alright let's get this guy locked up right um but I mean you know that's what I'm talking about you know you look for intuition right have a pad a pen and paper right next to them and they sit quietly and they look for intuitive thought what pops into my head and I practiced that for a while and it was really cool I remember more than once sitting in our backyard doing that in the morning and having this thought pop into my head the sponsee that I haven't talked to in like two years it's in my brain why maybe I should call hopefully he's got the same number call him up he's sitting there like I don't know what I'm gonna do man I'm gonna die why did he pop into my head get him to a detox you know I still don't know that's happened with more than one person it's happened with Kath with her cousin yeah and um I can't explain that I've got no physics explanation for you right I don't believe in uh telepathy or uh mind whatever casting or whatever the hell that thing is called I am a skeptic I'm a big time skeptic I can't I can't explain it but uh multiple times I've had that happen to me where the thought crosses my mind and I can't get rid of it I'm like you know and uh that's what that's what they were talking about they were talking about something that looked more like uh what uh the meditation that uh like early Christians would do um the Oxford group is a Christian group right and that's what they were talking about um which is pretty cool so that was another you know cool thing um and then um what I am you know and then uh recently got a book recommended to me uh how to meditate cool book um mostly like just real simple tool kit right focus on the breath right hey you only got two minutes doesn't need to be first thing in the morning some points through the day reconnect with my breath right seems work seems to be effective right and um and uh today what's been actually helping a lot is uh you know with the hectic uh morning with the kids um I actually uh I got gifted a uh cold plunge tub kind of random right uh but I get in that and um and the timer's on for three minutes right it's in like 45 degree water and you get in it for for three minutes and I'll tell you what I gotta focus on my breath I gotta be here and now I gotta pray right and it's like it feels like it's somehow 10 seconds and also 20 minutes at the same time okay feels like it's very long time and also it's over very shortly or shortly quickly yeah and um so that's something I've been doing for a couple months Gerard you got a question man does it also take care of the imperious urge does it also take care of the imperious urge I can tell you for a fact that after I do the cold plunge she literally will not let me touch her for 30 minutes because I'm like a brick of ice don't get near me I love you Gerard um so yeah uh the the point in saying all that is oh shoot I forgot I wanted to talk about the 800 pound gorilla that was the whole point yeah that's okay do you still do I still have time for that or you want to jump in first yeah I was gonna go look don't forget you didn't say oh so there's this uh there's this great story that I that that Malcolm told at some point I don't know if it's originally his or not but um he refers to step 11 and he has this story about the 800 pound gorilla okay and the I this idea is uh when you know this gorilla is walking through the jungle he's down coming down the path and all of a sudden he encounters a big wall right and he looks and the wall goes as far as he can see to the left and as far as he can see to the right so he backs up on the path gets a head start smashes into the wall as hard as he can doesn't move a brick alright so what does he do he backs up twice as far gets going twice as fast the same thing happens he hits the wall couple of the brick shakes a little bit he's still stuck there so determined he goes back a third time gets a full head of steam comes at that thing as hard as he possibly can and he breaks through the wall and he ends up on the other side in a pile of rubble alright and that's what happens when I force my will right I don't know what God's will is but it's really easy to see what God's will isn't and in my life I bump up against the wall I'm trying to make this thing happen I've tried it more than once and I keep getting these blockers these things that get in my way right and I have to ask you know like should I keep forcing my will to eventually get what I want in a pile of rubble right now what actually happens is the gorilla comes up to the wall and he realizes that there's a bench right there and he sits down and he pauses when agitated and asks for guidance instead he sits there and he goes well clearly my plan to go straight is not going to happen so he sits and he asks God for intuitive thought on whether or not to take a left or a right which way am I going to go and I just uh I really love that metaphor um I feel like anytime that I'm talking to a sponsee and I tell them I don't know what God's will is but I know what it isn't you know it's that same belly barometer thing right it's like I know when I've done something wrong and I also know when something isn't working and I'm trying to force it right and um yeah the ability to pause that step 11 gives me is invaluable right so that's all I had to say about that um I was thinking about how we can meditate with such little time and it's still so valuable like so that's like I love that you brought up like seasons of life and I've found that um like a really big part of step 11 is this idea that well there's a focus on becoming more efficient like they say that like the whole point of this is that we're going to continue to practice these things and hopefully we're going to become more efficient and not like you know they talk about like we're not going to tire up so easily because we're not burning up energy foolishly as we used to when we were trying to like suit life to meet our own needs um and so nowadays like I might be meditating for less time but I can still get so much out of that pause you know um I was thinking about the power of meta prayer as well um and I think um if you're not familiar with meta prayer it's really there's a lot of different versions of it but it's like a Buddhist prayer and it's really just like a being able to go into a mantra around like asking for like somebody I love to be well right somebody who it's easy for me to love somebody I have a relationship with and like going through some prayer about like wishing them to be like well and safe and then going to somebody that's more like neutral in my life like probably like a stranger that I'm behind in line at Dunkin Donuts or something and like bringing their like face or like the back of their hat to my consciousness and like wishing them like safety and happiness and like may they walk through this world with peace and ease you know and then thinking of someone that is hard for me to like and going through those same prayer mantras for that person and like can I wish them well and may they be safe and may they walk through the world with perfect peace and ease right and so over the years when somebody in my life has become a tricky person who it's hard for me to get along with or like or whatever their position is with them my sponsor will refer to them as a teacher ah a new teacher calf God obviously put this person in my life for a reason I'm supposed to change because of because I've known them and had experiences interacting with them and so like what am I going to learn from knowing this person and I remember like there's been different people in my life who have been teachers for me but I've been pointed to the tool of Metta Prayer to engage in that practice daily each morning the back of the big book has a similar suggestion they talk about if you have a resentment against somebody you should pray for them for like two weeks every day right they are the person who you should be like aiming your love toward and it's amazing like the internal shift that can happen prayer is so powerful um yeah I've come to really like have great relationships with people that I used to dislike because of Metta Prayer um and I would say that when the world feels full of suffering and there are things going on that are out of my control that break my heart Metta Prayer is so powerful when I feel like there's not anything I can do I think it was like last weekend we were like getting home and there was snow coming down and I was feeling really sad about things that are going on in the world and I you know I walked over to Andy and I just like leaned into him and I just cried you know you know and um and I have this Metta Prayer that's in the kitchen on the wall and I was like asked I asked him and the kids like can we go for a walk in the woods you know because I walking meditation is really powerful so sometimes it's hard to sit especially when we're in like a state of suffering sometimes like walking meditation and prayer is really helpful and um and the snow was falling and we went for a walk in the woods behind our house and um we got to a place and um and I just like I took this out of my pocket and I was like can I just read something to you guys out loud and you know and the kids were like probably snickering or whatever silly mom wants to read something out loud and um and we stood in like a hug in the snow and I read to them may all beings be free from suffering and the causes of suffering may all beings be filled with loving kindness may all beings be well may all beings be peaceful and at ease and may all beings know joy and um and um there is so much power in prayer um at times where we can feel really really at a loss to do anything that can make a difference like I can be loving to the people around me and we can stay connected at school I work in a hallway with a lot of um needs there's like um there's a lot of kids that have like really intense emotional needs and behavioral needs and um and sometimes you'll hear somebody like yelling or screaming or crying and um that's like just like public schools like very inclusion based nowadays and like everybody deserves to be in school and to be like taught and learned and learning and loved and so like I felt like it was important to acknowledge like not ignoring like when you hear a sound it sounds like someone's suffering like I think it's a really weird thing to just ignore that and like move on just like we're just gonna ignore that and just pretend nobody's screaming in the next room that's a weird thing to do you know and so um we have a practice now where if you hear someone in distress you put your hand on your heart and they they know the meta prayer the kids in my class and we and they can say you can whisper it out loud you can say it in your head you know may you be well may you be loved may you know that you're safe and may you walk through this day with peace and ease you know um and uh yeah I just like I'm so grateful for like the spiritual toolkit that has been um been built up and passed on to me over the years um and I know that there's more to learn you know that's I think one of the coolest things about this program is like we um we get to be uh students forever like I I know that I know that tonight I'll probably have a conversation with somebody and I'll learn something new and they'll pass on something that's really useful to them and share their experience with me and um and that's amazing I mean I I I think that AA is we're we're all uh we're all students and we're all we're all teachers sometimes you know it's it's a it's an incredible uh network of um of sharing spiritual tools with one another it's after six o'clock oh my god I'm so sorry you're good it's after six o'clock um do you have anything else that you want to make sure you say about ten and eleven tonight no pressure no I mean nothing's uh nothing's actually like uh immediately uh coming to me is there anything I forgot guys no what did you say no season awesome alright yeah you guys okay if we wrap up now awesome thank you I hope everybody has a great night