Step 10 — Daily Inventory – Donna – 2020 New England Big Book Workshop Weekend

Good morning, everybody. Welcome back to those who have been with us for the weekend and welcome to those who are joining us for the first time. This is normally a group of Big Book Workshop AA meetings in the Metro West area of Boston that have two retreats in person every year. And this is our retreat that has gone virtual. So thank you for joining us. We really appreciate it. And a special shout out to the team that put this together. Team members, if you could just put your video on for a second and wave as a way of recognition for the hard work, the service, the dedication, and the expertise to put something like this on is more than I think any of us imagined. And I think that the team did an outstanding job. Thank you so much. Today, we will hear from our step speakers. Steps 10, 11, and 12. We will end the conference in prayer at 11.15 a.m. And the schedule for the conference is in the chat for your easy reference. We are conducting a very short survey so we can gather your feedback regarding your experience of the weekend virtual workshop. As I said, it's very short. We really encourage your participation. The link to it will be posted in the chat. So please be sure to click on it before you leave the workshop to provide feedback. And we really appreciate your participation. Before we get to our speakers, I wanted to mention one last time that we welcome donations for your experience from this weekend, which will be dedicated to the Wilson House in East Dorset, Vermont. The Wilson House, like many nonprofits, has struggled during the pandemic. And we hope you'll join us in providing whatever financial support you might be able to. The link for the Wilson House donation page is being posted in the chat now. A very special welcome back to our speakers, Donna and Matt. We are pretty certain you slept well last night. We're sure you're exhausted, carrying a powerful message of hope. And we appreciate you being here. And our first speaker on Sunday. On step 10 and 11 is Matt. Welcome, Matt. Thank you, Kelly. I just want to take a moment to thank you all for the work that you guys put in for this conference. This has been an absolutely amazing experience. Yeah, I slept like a baby last night, too. I felt like spiritually exhausted. Donna and I had talked about getting dinner afterwards. And when we were done, we both were like, nah. We're just going to go. We're going to go to sleep. And, you know, it's been a wonderful opportunity to be able to do this service and carry this message. And I'm sure Donna feels the same. All of the wonderful things you guys have been saying have been fantastic for my ego this weekend. So thank you. But, no, this has been a beautiful experience. The gifts that this program has given me, I could have never imagined this when I got here. You know, hi. It is, it is, I'm often and frequently in awe of the work that God does in me, through me. And like Donna says, in spite of me and the God that I see in the people around me. So I'm really grateful. That was a really long, long-winded thank you. So step 10, right? Um. We just finished with the nine-step promises. And I think anybody who gets halfway through the amends feels those nine-step promises flowing and feel them to be true. And they are, they are absolutely extravagant. We talked about this yesterday. However, there's a note, there's a whole other set of promises. There's lots of other promises in this book. And it rolls right into the 10-step promises. Right? And these. Like the nine-step promises are. Fluffy. They're almost like, like this hallmark card to the alcoholic about how beautiful life can get. If I go through this process. But they're, they're these 10-step promises. You know, this is what I came here for. Right? And, and my experience in this book and in this process has been strange in that I had studied the book enough to, to be able to quote it. I could have told you that, that the diagnosis of my real problems on 63, long before I went to treatment, I could have told you that my, you know, that, that this was on that page or bill said this about that. And, you know, that I could have told you all of those things, but I hadn't, they hadn't made the trip from here to here, right. They hadn't made the trip from here into the world, you know? And so, um, so what happened was when I got to step up. Step 10 with my sponsor, and I find that this was my experience and, and I'm sure some of you might've had the same experience by the time I get to step 10, step 10, almost comes naturally. Right. Because bill, bill describes step 10, as I had to test my thinking against the new God consciousness within. Right. And so I can't, the, the nine step promises can't be my reality or my truth. And then I. I'm not want to nurture and stoke that spiritual fire that I'm feeling right. It just, it flows into this idea, continue to take personal inventory. And when we were wrong, promptly admitted, right. We vigorously commenced this way of living as we cleaned up the past. And I talked about like the, the urgency and the energy with which we take each step after we're done with the previous one, right. Vigorously commenced. It's not sound like I kind of sit around and think about maybe when I say something, I shouldn't have said, I'm going to go and mend that. Or maybe when the bill comes in the mail, I'll pay it when I pay it. Right. Earl Hightower says like the next right thing is usually just the next indicated thing. When the bill comes in the mail, I pay the bill. Right. When I say something wrong, I turn around, right. Promptly is not like an ambiguous word promptly means promptly. And so I've had a lot of really profound experiences in working step 10, because what it is, is the rest of my life is going to be character defect whack-a-mole, right? It's not telling me that if these things crop up, it's telling me when the things that are a part of my makeup that separate me from you and God are part of who I am for a multitude of reasons. However, when I remove the drink, I can explore these things and I become aware of these things and I've done most of the heavy lifting in the previous nine steps, but now I get into this game of daily whack-a-mole, right? And, and so my first experience with step 10, when I got through with it, my sponsor, we started practicing it. We started like, he explained to me what a spot check inventory. He explained to me what promptly meant. You know, he talked about, it's not Matt. It's not like I start to keep a list on the side somewhere for the next time I go through eight and nine. It is that I have now begun to, to have this spiritual experience. And so my goal is to show up in the world, like a sober man. You know, you hear these things about like, we might be the only big book that somebody sees. We might be the only encounter that somebody has with alcoholics anonymous. Well, step 10 makes sure. That if I am that, that I am a shining example of it, right? And that means that certain behaviors that might seem not so, so important or so big in the grand scheme of things, I might have to look at, you know, I talked yesterday about gossip, right? How am I behaving on the road? Right. That's a big one for a lot of us. How am I behaving on the road? Right. How am I speaking to the, to the cashier at the supermarket? When the line is too long, how am I speaking to the waitress when my food is cold or she messes up my coffee order, right? It's about, it starts to become about how I show up. I'm testing my thinking against the God consciousness within, am I behaving like someone who's had an encounter with spirit, right? And so, but what, what they tell me here is that when I get to this place, I'm not fighting anymore. And the truth. The truth of the matter is that I didn't know I was fighting to begin with. I was getting beat up left and right by my own doing. And I didn't even know I was in the ring. Right. And that the, the moments in this program, when you guys put words to my feelings, my thoughts and my experiences, my shoulders come down because that's what that was. And if I can. If I can identify the problem, then I know that God's the solution. And so I had just finished doing step 10 with my sponsor. And we started to look at what that looks like in a daily basis. And that night, big book in hand, right? I come home and I used to live downstairs from my mom. And I came upstairs and I would always, I would do this like nightly review deal before I got to step 11 with my mom. And she would say, you know, we're very close. We would sit and just talk. And she would love to hear about the, you know, about the experiences in sobriety. And one of the things she said, she said, hey, people are my favorite people. She said, because there are people who've seen the bottom and they still seek to be better persons, be better, better people and, and, and give back to the world. You know, so I walked into the house and she has a bottle of wine. She's pouring herself a glass of wine and she takes the bottle of wine and she sees me come in the house and she tucks it underneath the coffee table. And I said, mom, you know, you don't have to do that. And she says, yeah, yeah, you know, but I don't, I want to be caught, you know, I want to be, you know, I want to be respectful to what you're doing. And I said, mom, like, and we have, and I just opened my book to page 84 and 85. And I read these promises to her. And I said, and we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. For by this time, sanity will have returned. We will seldom be interested in liquor if tempted, we record those from a hot flame. Right. We react sanely and normally when we find that this has happened automatically. Now, here's the thing about these promises. Right. Because I watched her eyes open because I'm not sure she even knew that that kind of reality could be true for an alcoholic of my type. I sure didn't. Because I thought that I was going to come in here. And what I was hearing in certain places was that I needed to watch for triggers and people, places and things. I didn't understand what grace looked like until I read this paragraph. This is grace and actions. These are words that are happened automatically given us miracle. We had been placed, has been removed. The only thing it says that I need to do for those things to be true is to keep in fit. Spiritual. Condition. And how do I stay in fit spiritual condition, I continue to watch for the things that take me out of spiritual fitness fear is real. There was all sorts of fear leading up to this conference right Donna talked about it just before this started. Do I belong here there was nobody else they could get to do this. Right, like, like feelings of fear. Right. Like feelings of inadequacy constantly comparing right resentment, like, being angry and annoyed and bothered by someone is perfectly normal lamenting the black eye long after it's healed is something alcoholics are wonderful at. I need to watch for that. And when I do I take it to somebody else. I start to repeat four through nine in 10. I start to repeat four through nine in 10. I write it. I bring it to somebody. I asked God to help me with it, and I amend what I need to amend. I am recycling four through nine in 10. I am recycling four through nine in 10. And, and, and what happens is, is that I get the instantaneous freedom from my alcoholic thinking the way alcohol gave me. You see God sends my son to me. You see God sends my son to me. You see God sends my son to me. To speak through him. And sometimes my son doesn't say a word. Right. He's the, he was the catalyst that got me out of bed. And I can see God working through him this child is a miracle. And the relationship that we have for the things that I did when he was very young is beyond anything I could have ever imagined. We were in Target, middle of the pandemic. Maybe two months ago. And what happens is, is I'm walking out and I live in the Bronx, but I travel up to Westchester for nobody who knows the New York area. The Bronx has a reputation of being the Bronx and Westchester is the ritzy suburb north of the Bronx. And so when I go to Target in Westchester, I go in, I buy my stuff and I walk out. But in the Bronx, when I'm leaving my Target in my neighborhood which actually happens to be a nice neighborhood in the Bronx. But in the Bronx, when I'm leaving my Target in my neighborhood which actually happens to be a nice neighborhood in the Bronx. They check my receipt every time. They check my receipt every time. Right, to make sure that I didn't go through self checkout and throw some tic tacs or like a TV into my bag. Right, to make sure that I didn't go through self checkout and throw some tic tacs or like a TV into my bag. And so I walk out and the guy says I need to see you see. And he goes to take it out of my hand and I snatch it back. And I, and I say, no, and I just walked out and my son's right with me. He says that why did you do that. I said I don't know but I have to go back and say sorry. He says I don't know but I have to go back and say sorry. Right, because it's not that's not, you know, and so I go outside and we load the car. And I walked back in and I say to the guy. I say hey man, like. I have to apologize to you. I'll explain why did that behavior but like I can't, I would love to know why in the Target in the Bronx. in the target in the Bronx this happens and it doesn't happen elsewhere and that got under my skin but I was completely and totally out of line and he says he says you know what man I hate that policy he says but I'm really grateful to have a job during this pandemic so I just gotta do what they tell me he says and you know sometimes it actually works out on people's benefit because they leave something at the checkout and I look on the receipt and it's not in their bag and they get to go back together but I appreciate you coming back and saying that I understand why you behave the way you do boom separation becomes connection my son gets to see me show up as a man of God and I don't have to walk around angry at this guy for something I don't know which was my behavior and my own thinking I'm being discriminated against and my mind will tell me all sorts of lies but what happens is that I get space between the actions and when I don't acknowledge the space or or or take advantage of the space I have this ability to promptly admit Matt you were wrong and I know I'm no longer running around being toxic in the world right because I am not a disciplined human being for the most part I'm just not I'm just not right and when I get to step 11 it tells me that alcoholics are in discipline so we let God discipline us and so I need to in step 11 I come to this place as I'm going through the day checking my behavior and all of that but I need to I need to bookend that by nurturing my relationship with God any relationship I have spiritual physical any relationship I have with anyone I can't I'm not the only person who set my heart on a particular topic if I don't spend time with that person how is that a relationship you know I can't like wake up in the morning like tap my knees graze the floor as I spew out a serenity prayer and then go out my mind a thinking I've tapped into the power to save my life God doesn't need my prayers God is outside of space and time all powerful perfect love and the way God does in the way he does and his way of life is so powerful and so He's in my life and this is what I've been doing for six years and when I was a Christian when I was three I was a Christian when I was eight I was a Christian they said to me I'm gonna go find the faith that had been created I just need you to do the right thing and I'm gonna do it right now I'm gonna do it right now I'm gonna be how I need to be because you can't have faith in God no matter what you do in my life I'm not gonna I don't think he stops what he's doing to say, you know, Matt's got something to say. But what I need to do is humble myself every morning when I wake up, because this weird thing happens when I go to sleep. I sleepwalk back into the driver's seat of life. And so those things that ran me around, they run through my mind unchecked all night while I'm sleeping. The fears and the resentments, my ego, oh, man, it reconstructs itself. It is like cancerous overnight. It just metastasizes throughout my entire body, my mind and everything. And what I have to do when I wake up in the morning is hit my knees and ask God, God, to get back in the driver's seat of my life. See, I can't I can't go like I can't. It's like not charging my phone at some point. One way or another, throughout the day, the battery is just going to die. I'm going to run out of self-sufficiency really quickly. Right. And so I need to pray. I need to turn my attention toward God, ask God what he would have me be. And by the time I get to step 11, my prayers are really simple. God, what's on the agenda for today? And give me the power to carry that agenda out. Because my little plans and designs never work. I can write a to do list, but I better not be attached to the outcome of that to do list. Because God's to do list is far more important, far better and will fulfill me far more than what I ever thought I had to do. And I sit quietly to listen to what that direction might look like. And meditation is something that gets so mystified in sobriety. The meditation that we're that they're talking about in the big book. It's not the same as like this Eastern philosophy meditation, which coming I'm a yoga instructor. I fully understand the power and the benefits of counting your breaths and sitting quietly and doing those things. But what I am doing in the meditation that they're talking about in the big book is I am sitting quietly and asking for direction, asking what God would have me be. And being quiet enough to filter through the thoughts that are mine and the ones that are divine. Because if I have a. Conscious contact with God. This is what it looks like. And I find that my I am right. What does Bill say? His roots grasped new soil. If this is the soil of my life, if if if nurturing my relationship with God is the aim, if seeking to stoke the spiritual experience that I'm going to get ready to give to somebody else is the aim. Then I got to spend time with God. I just have to spend time with God. And I do that. And it's it's this constant process, right? Systematic surrender, character defect, whack-a-mole. When I get home at the end of the night, it's the same thing. Right. Earl Hightower says that his his his sponsor, Donald Madden, used to tell him two prayers. Wake up in the morning and say, thank you. And at the end of the night, say enough. Right. Because I can sit at the end of the night and say, thank you, God, whatever you gave me, my portion, my daily bread was enough today, God. And then I sit and I review. Right. Because there might be something I missed. I'm not perfect. I'm I'm trying to grow in effectiveness. Right. And we all we can say what we want about the micromanagers and the nitpickers of life. But if I am micromanaging and nitpicking my character defects. I'm going to show up. Closer to what God wants me to be than if I kind of let them fall by the wayside or if I wear my my sobriety practices like a loose garment. No life gets worn like a loose garment because of the practices I do in nurturing my relationship with God. And I write, where was I resentful? Where was I dishonest? What could I have done better? The list goes on. And I have all of my sponsees read 86 to 88, sometimes 84 to 88, depending on whether. Because it says that I'm in that if I'm to improve my conscious contact with God, the book tells me I start my day with it and I end my day with it. And prayer is available to me throughout the day. Sitting quietly is available to me throughout the day. Right. And you'll hear something crazy that 10, 11 and 12 are these maintenance steps. Maintenance steps. Maintenance steps. Where does it say that? I am not maintaining anything. I'm looking to enrich and enlarge my spiritual life. I want to get closer to God. I want to make my God bigger. I want to make me smaller. Less me, more God. Less me, more God. Because that's the only time that I get the awareness to do the kinds of things that I was able to do and target with myself. Or to give my mom a little bit of peace. Peace and ease to let her know that she doesn't have to worry about her son fighting the idea of the dream. That and I'm going to end with this story is that like I've gotten into this two way prayer deal. Right where I sit quietly and I ask God for specific direction and afterwards I write it right because we all have learned the magic that happens when time comes to pay. And I've been I've been searching for a car. And still repairing the credit and the damage the wreckage of my past and making financial amends to get my credit up and nobody would lend me enough money. This is less than one month ago. The car is outside. I'll get to the store. And so. I get I get. I go and I sit in meditation because I am frustrated and I bring it to God. God, how because I'm having all these feelings of I've got a family of five now. I drive a dusty little hatchback that can't fit my entire family and the puppy in the car. And I'm having. Feelings of inadequacy. I can't provide for my family. I can't get the car that we need. We're not going to be able to move around. And I go and I get into my two way prayer and I'm and I'm and thoughts are going racing back and forth right now. I was taught to sit back and observe them like a car on the highway by cars on the highway and I'm just on the side of the road. Just watch them go through. Right, because the God thoughts aren't the cars, they're the trucks, right? Those those come in loud and clear. But I have to get quiet to hear them. And so the thought that comes to me in the middle of my two way prayer that I remembered as I'm writing was stop looking. And it was loud. And then all of the other thoughts quieted down. And I went downstairs and I was talking with another guy. I was in the firehouse and I was talking to another guy in the firehouse. And he and he says to me, this is less than an hour later. He says, hey, man, like you got that baby now. What do you do about that car? So I don't know, man. I'm struggling with that right now. He didn't know what was going on. He didn't know what was going on upstairs in the bunker. He said, you know, I go to Jeep and I got a Jeep. I've had Jeep my entire life. And I've been looking for cars, scrambling for cars. Never thought to look for a Jeep. I go on this website. I apply for prequalification. I see a Jeep that fits my mind. What I need in the car. What kind of Ford? What? Qualify. Get all of your paperwork in order. Send them a paste of this, that, the other thing. If you send all of this in by this time, I'm on the phone right before a 9 p.m. meeting. I'm on the phone. And I say, hey, man. You know, and we're going through all my paperwork, my bank paperwork, my pay stubs. And I said, listen, I don't know why I'm telling you this. I'm four plus years in recovery. And I really thought that this wasn't going to happen. And this is just a sign of what I can provide for my family. I'm really overjoyed. He says, hey, man, I did it. I just celebrated 10 years this month. I can't write that story. I don't see that. If I'm not working on this relationship with God. Because miracles are happening all around me. Grace is pouring through everywhere. But if I don't get quiet, if I don't hit my knees, if I'm not making it right all the time, constantly between me and you, I don't get to have those kinds of experiences. Thank you, guys. I needed you to hear me clap. Thank you. Hi, I'm Donna, recovered alcoholic. And, you know, we joked this whole conference, you know, when I had to share after Matt. But my brother, thank you, because everything that you said, I don't know if you saw me, but I was rocking. I was feeling it in my spirit. Thank you. So, step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We have entered the world of the spirit. I was living in the world of self. And, you know, I listened to Matt. And God has worked in and through him. And there has been what I see and feel a major shift in his outlook, in his reaction. And how he sees he is a part of God's plan for this universe. So, there's a whole lot of digging that we do before we get to step 10 to live in the world of the spirit. I'm going to read something Bill described the ego very eloquently. And it's no wonder that I sought ease and comfort. Which I now get from God. From external things, people. Bill said, The icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. He said he now stood in the sunlight of the spirit. And every time I read that, it's no wonder that I never felt that I was enough. Always seeking. Seeking something to fill this emptiness that I had inside. And so now I'm presented with this wonderful program. You know, the first 100 people said they hope every alcoholic on their journey finds the program of AA. I'm grateful. But see, gratitude is not enough just to be here. Because I didn't earn this seat. God's grace was a gift. But I can't sit here and listen to Matt and go, wow, wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, if I'm not willing to do what Matt did. And so my part of the deal with God. Again, I've been saying this throughout this entire conference. I've just got to bring enough willingness. And open mind. Because as I seek this power, there's a lower power. That does not want to let me go. It's obvious. In step 10. I've been trusting and relying on God to share. See, I can't serve two masters. I can't serve the God of reason and the God of spirit. You know, Matt says, less me, more God. It says, we watch. I am not rendered free of self. See, if all of us were mighty soldiers for God, we'd be a reckoning force. And, you know, not to get do-do-do-do-do-do-do. But I believe there's a lower force that doesn't want us to meet our creator on that level. So yesterday, I hear Sarah. I hear Matt. I don't hear me. So my thoughts are telling me that I didn't say anything that was effective. I need validation. See, today I know that's the lie. But it's still coming. And when it comes, it feels very uncomfortable. And I didn't know why I was feeling so uncomfortable. And then I realized, oh, my God, I still need validation from people. And so I got on my knees and I apologized to God for doubting him. See, it's evidence what God has done in my life. See, God fills my needs on the inside so I don't need to go on the outside to get validation. But that thought still crops up. Pride. I had shared with Matt, you know, Matt does this Bronx Big Book meeting every night. And I was on in the beginning. And, you know, Zoom has connected. It has connected us with many people on this path, many people doing this deal. And there was some nights I was sharing and I was sharing from here. And I felt very uncomfortable. I'm like, damn, what did I just say? Did evening review. Happened to get did evening review and prayed because I realized it was pride. And. You know, when I do evening. Review, I just don't do evening review like a journal, write it and then tuck it away. I share it. And Loretta, who's on this call because I saw you come in. Good morning, sis, who is now my friend. You know, our sponsors turn into our friends. And she saw a pattern in that and she said, you know, I want you to get on that meeting. And I want you to just raise your hand and say, hi, I'm done an alcoholic. Great share. I just want to listen. You know, I learned here after I got here, and I'm going to say, I'm ready to give it to my team. And I'll say, and I'll get on that next call. And she asked me, I'm ready to do it. And I'm like, go ahead and do it. And I'm like, go. And she's like, OK, get in there. And she said, I don't know. You know, I'm not in that. I'm like, you can do it. We don't have the time to do. It's not like I can do it. And she said, we have to do that. She wanted me to try to do it for her. And I said, yeah, I'm ready. I'm not on the wait list. We're ready. I don't know who I want to do it for. that still wants to raise its ugly head, but people need to know that you know the big book. And what does that do? It blocks me. I wasn't a channel. I don't know what God wants me to share. And so I have to be still to give up control. When these crop up, they will crop up. We watch for them. See, there's some days and, you know, it's amazing how my life has gotten so full because I told you, I lived in the world of at least the least possible resistance. If I can just get over and use this much energy, I was. Well, God saw fit that he put me in the world of at least the least possible resistance. And he put me in places that I would have never gone my own on my own. Assisting CEOs will CEOs. I can't bring a little, I got to bring a lot. And so there are times that I leave my desk because I work where I'm sitting now. And I go and I have a chair in the front room. And I do that many times throughout the day. I need to check in with God. Please God show me how to be. I need your strength. Whatever I need, I ask God for it. Because I'm not doing anything different than I've always done in my life. I've always needed support. I've always needed guidance. I've always needed comfort. But I'm not going outside to get it because then it's not sufficient. It's not sufficient. And then I become manipulative. I become selfish because I need more and more and more. Not realizing that that's not going to be enough. I had a boyfriend tell me, Donna, no matter what I do will never be enough. I hated hearing that. I cringed because I didn't want to believe that. And so then I come and I sit here today and I hear Matt. And I'm brought to a place of peace again. See, there's some things that if I'm not doing what I should be doing, then instead of feeling comforted by Matt, it's going to make me feel really uncomfortable. Because I may be saying, damn, I'm not doing that. I don't feel that. But by Matt, Sharon made me feel, Donna, you are okay. Joe Hawk used to say, if what we say makes you feel uncomfortable, then that's a good thing. Today's meditation, I'm going to read this. Yeah, I tell you one thing. God gives me what I need all the time. I am the culmination of all. I am the culmination of all. I am the culmination of all your hopes and desires. I am the alpha and the omega, the first and the last. Who is and was and is to come. Before you need me, before you knew me, you expressed your longing for me in hurtful ways. You were ever so vulnerable to the evil around you in the world. But now my presence safely shields you, enfolding you in my loving arms. I have lifted you out of darkness into my marvelous light. Though I have brought many pleasures into your life, not one of them is essential. Receive my blessings with open hands. Enjoy my good gifts, but do not cling to them. Turn your attention to the giver of all good things and rest in the knowledge that you are complete. In me. The one thing you abundantly need is the one thing you can never lose, my presence with you. This I will read throughout the day. Whenever I get to that point where I'm being, where more is expected of me, where I've got to push myself to accomplish more, because I never lived a life where I lived my life to the fullest. I leave this desk and I go to that chair and I read this book and I sit quietly so I can feel that I am okay. I'm being guided. I'm being loved. There have been times in the moment I'll be, I'm working and I feel overwhelmed. I will stop. And I will admit to God my need for God. The most amazing thing happens at the end of my workday. I got done what I didn't think I was going to get done. And I'm not trained. I had a task I had to do. And my ego was telling me, me that this is not a job for an executive assistant to the CEO. And I'm helping out another department because I expressed the honesty to my boss that I didn't have enough work. That's a shift in me because I said, oh, wow, COVID, they don't know how much I'm doing. I don't have enough to keep me busy. So I'll just fill my day with what I want to do. But it didn't sit right to be dishonest. And so what that did, I'm now being helpful to other departments that need help. Well, this task I'm given, it was mindless, really. And as I'm doing it, I'm thinking, why am I doing this? This is not for me. I heard a voice, loud, that intuitive voice that said, Donna, you're doing this to help Alan. And then I realized why I was doing what I was doing. Yes, it was still mindless. Yes, I thought that it was going to take me two days to finish it. I got it done that day. God says, I am the alpha and the omega. On page 49 of our book, it tells us how we were living and what we should have been doing instead, which we get to do now. Instead of regarding ourselves as intelligent, agents, spearhead of God's ever-advancing creation, we agnostics and atheists chose to believe that our human intelligence was the last word, the alpha and the omega, the beginning and end of all. Rather vain of us, wasn't it? That's what's got to die. See, I think I'm this great big such a much, but how many people's lives am I wrecking a lot? I don't the whole, the rest of these lives along the way. How am I manipulating? I turn into that actor that we talk about. By any means necessary, I gonna get what I want. Because I have no idea of this great reality that lives deep within is my provider, my protector, my comforter. You name it. It is it. Absolutely. Yeah. Absolutely. Definitely. Yes. Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. to have this connection with this God. We have these steps that happen before 10. Am I willing enough? Am I open-minded enough not to be concerned about the results, not to worry about how this process works? To be honest, to be honest to God, to say, God, I'm really afraid to let go. I remember I was doing my first fourth step. I was willing to believe, but I don't know, I got to my fear inventory, and all of a sudden, it dawned on me what I was about to do. I was about to let go all power and control, which I thought I had. And it was my first honest prayer, and I went to Catholic school since I was 13. I mean 13, since I was in kindergarten, 13 years. And it was my first conversation. I said, God, I am so willing. See, because I saw evidence of God in the people that have been on this path before me. I saw evidence of their transition, of their transformation. So I know it was real because I saw it in other people, but I knew what it meant for me. I had to let go of control, and I was like, God, I'm willing to jump off this cliff. I really was. But are you going to be there to catch me? That was my honesty. Matt says we book in our days, morning at night. In between is when I'm interacting with people. When I have to watch. Because the minute something doesn't go my way, I'm quick to react. There is power in the pause. And there were times I used to say that like a parrot until I actually felt it. There was one slogan from treatment, act as if until you become. See, I knew those slogans up here. But now I feel them in here. I can't describe like Matt alluded to it earlier. I don't know how I got here. Because my willingness and open mindedness. And honesty. That didn't produce the change. You know, Matt read a passage earlier about the power. The problem has been removed. Like we've got to really read this book for the words. It says we are brought into a new way of life. Now, it doesn't mean I take myself. God brings us. But I got to do my part of the deal. Am I willing to meet this? God. I am when I get to this place where there's nothing else for me to share. Oh, I do have a story. I do have a story. You know, that intuitive thought that we come to rely upon. I was sharing it with Matt yesterday, you know, one of the blessings, which I don't get attached to, because I know that it came from God is where I live right now. And I had been living in an apartment with my cousin, a duplex. And I knew it was time for me to move. I just felt this intuitive thought. I knew change was apparent, but I didn't know what it looked like. So I just got boxes. And I just started packing. Still, a month later, still didn't know where I was going. I wasn't looking, but I just knew something was about to change for me. And I get a call from my sister. And she says, you know, Donna, Bill's not renewing the one bedroom in the brownstone. Do you want it? See, that's what happens. I don't have to figure things out. What I need to do, what is my responsibility in this deal so I can be effective in understanding, understanding God's importance in my life. Understanding who I am in relationship to God. Understanding my relationship with God, myself, and others. And effectiveness. How can I? How can I be effective? A useful member of society. See, before I used to suck the air from the universe. Me, me, me, me, me. But if I rest on my laurels, they tell us that this ego is dying. Because it keeps, it keeps hitting me. With feelings of inadequacy. I told you what I was going to do. I told you what I was feeling yesterday after this conference. Need for validation. I need to hear people to tell me that what I said was great. That's all ego-driven crap. But if I start hearing enough of that, the God of reason starts getting louder than the God of spirit. And then I don't have this loving God who's guiding me. And I start those mental states. That uneasiness starts cropping up again. I'm going to need a solution. Either I'm moving closer to God or I'm moving closer to booze. Because I need something to sustain me, to fulfill me, to comfort me. And so the next we're going to talk about step 12. What do we do now with this awakened spirit? How do we become useful to God? See, God has prepared us. God created me. God recreates me. And now I can live the way he intended for me to be my whole life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much, Matt and Donna. Powerful message. The audio recordings for this event will be available tomorrow night. They are being uploaded to archives.org, which is a site that provides free public access to audio recordings. Instructions for accessing the recordings will be placed in the chat before the workshop ends. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.