Step 10 and Untreated Alcoholism – Big Book Workshop – Part 2 of 4 – Katie P.

Hi, y'all. Katie Parker, alcoholic. Katie! Charlie wants me to tell you that we have a stamp up here to put in your big book of the circle and triangle. He can kind of tell you the humor behind that. And then we also have an e-mail list for you to put your name on. You've got to print legibly to get the e-mails, though. And it could take us months to get it loaded, but we've got all kinds of stuff that we send to you, so don't think you're getting it next week. it could show up in six months, and you're like, oh, here it is. Okay, because we got to get somebody to load them in. I've been sober since October 28th of 1984, and for that I am so truly grateful. I just celebrated 34 years, and I know, isn't that unbelievable? And you know, today is my daughter's 40th birthday, which is so incredible. I got sober when I was 26 and she was five years old. I had her when I Was 21. And, you know, I took that little girl and put her through places she had no business being in. I mean, I know pitiful, incomprehensible demoralization. You know, when you're a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous, you have a kid and you're dragging them in places you know you shouldn't be dragging them. I knew there was something desperately wrong, and I could not figure out what it was. I had no idea I was an alcoholic because I just kept thinking, you know, tonight I'm not going to drink that much. It's interesting when Charlie talks about when you tell people you're going to quit, I never told anyone I was quitting. It never even entered into my mind. Now, I'm not going drink. Today's a bad day to drink. I'm going to give it a couple of days of rest, you know, but to quit forever, that never, that was never going to be something I was going to do. Now had child protective services stepped into my world, it would have been a whole different ball game. It would have gotten my attention, but we have to really realize that the fatality of alcoholism typically doesn't mean a physical death. It means we wish we were dead long before we're dead. And everyone in this room, if you said is, have you wished you were dead a lot? we would say yes. You go down to the PTA and say that and they look at each other like you know, I mean everybody feels bad but we wish we were dead a lot but we typically don't have what it takes to pull it off and some do, I'm not going to get into that but it's interesting because Charlie and I do get the privilege of doing this and Ryan and I talked I hadn't realized, Ryan, it was two years ago. We do book out two years. I thought I'd made all these exceptions for you and obviously I didn't. And so, yeah, I told Sean, I said, oh, I really like this Ryan guy. I said I just squeezed him right on in there two years later. And Otto got to meet Otto at the Tennessee deal and that was actually my grandfather's name. So he was born in 1896 and that's a special old family name and that was just, I just, we're really excited to be here. And you know, we do a lot of these and have been for some time and we are fighting over the mic. You know, I always love it because you know we are husband and wife and don't forget we are two alcoholics and we are the ying and the yang baby. There is no yin and yang here. And I mean if Charlie said Katie I'm not feeling good, I'm like I'll take over. there won't be a oh honey what's wrong it's like fine I'll take over I'm all good here and I mean I swear we will fight our way to the little hostess at the you know evening dinner out and you know we're fighting to get to her and we need a table for two I mean that is we're a lot coming at you baby but we do love doing these things and one of the things about this particular night is there's almost everybody's here and not everybody can always make it tomorrow morning at this certain time. And there's, there are certain steps of this program that I think for myself, my own experience, deeply misunderstood, deeply. You can just go to just about any AA meeting anywhere once you have awakened to what the text is saying and you hear it like crazy. Now, the most important thing for you to know is I used to be that person for 17 years that didn't have the solution straight out of the big book. So that meeting was just my favorite. And then all of a sudden it's like, oh, my God, they don't understand. And I'm not here to say it's our way or not. If you love the big books, great. And if you're not the biggest fan of following the text, great, there's no fighting in the lifeboat. See, for what it takes for one person, I've seen people stay sober with a lame AA program. Lame. And they can. And you know what? Not only can they stay sober, they're actually happy. Which I personally wouldn't have drank with them. But you know What I mean? I like the person who's going to bring their A game. You know? I want somebody who can just, you know, at 30 years sober be pissed. I get that. You know, there's no arriving. And so, but that's really important, guys, especially if you get fired up and really awake, be very, very careful how you handle that. It's not our job to go into a meeting where there's just not a lot of strong solution and just start pounding them. As a matter of fact, it's the most ineffective way you can do it. I think the most effective way to do it, say you're sharing, here's a perfect one. I'm going to do the 10th step right now. The 10th step is probably the most misunderstood step in Alcoholics Anonymous. I always thought it was the evening review. Now, I wasn't doing it anyway, so who really cares when the meeting's going on, right? But the 10th Step is a spot check inventory taken throughout the day. And it's only four paragraphs long. And most people think it's the evening reviews. So if you go into an open discussion meeting and somebody says the 10th step and the first five people that share talk about the evening review, that's incorrect. And so what I would do is I'd raise my hand and I'd, you know, Katie alcoholic and I go, you Know, it's interesting. We're talking about the 10 step for the longest time in Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought it was the evening revue. And I have several reasons why I won't get into them and bore you with it. But then I kind of lay that out. And I said, but then when when somebody had showed me in the big book that it's actually a spot check inventory taken throughout the day, it changed the course of the way I saw it. You see how more effective that was? And to raise your hand and go, oh, by God, we got it wrong again. Yep, it is not the flippin' evening review. And nobody will hear it. And that's why it's so important. This 10th step is so important about growing and understanding and effectiveness because if you are not effective, the first thing an alcoholic's ego will do is shut down bone. Even if you've got the, even if you can, you're trying to help them. The ego of the alcoholic is difficult to dance around. Now I want to read out of, I love some, you know, morning readings and stuff I do but just hang in there. I know everybody's going to get tired and I do a lot of reading so mainly just so you'll be able to re-listen to it afterwards. It says this was a morning reading I had. Problems are a part of life. They are inescapably woven into the fabric of our world. We tend to go into problem-solving mode all too readily, acting as if we have the capacity to fix everything. Sound familiar? This is a habitual response, so automatic that it bypasses our conscious thinking. Not only does this habit frustrate us, it also distances us from God. do not let fixing things be our top priority we are ever so limited in your capacity to correct all that is wrong in the world around you don't weigh ourselves down with responsibilities that are not good for our own self-worth instead make our relationship with God our primary concern talk with God about whatever it is on our mind seeking his perspective on the situation rather than trying to fix everything that comes to our attention. Ask God to show us what is truly important. Remember that we are en route to freedom, and let our problems fade into the light of the universe. So what it's trying to get us to do, the tenth step, if read off the wall, looks like a damage control step. So I only make amends if I've stepped on anyone's toes, and I really only do a 10th step if I've really harmed someone. And what our job here is, is to begin observing. The 10th Step is an awake and aware observance of ourselves going through our day. Now when you begin this process, and I encourage you to do it tonight, so when you get out of here you can be doing it right now if you want to, just observe your thinking. You're going to be agreeing in your mind with some things I say, you're going to be disagreeing. Watch the working mind. Oh, no. See, I don't really agree with her there. I said, oh, no, she's got a good point there. Yeah. Oh no, I've done that before. Because the working might is constantly churning, constantly, constantly. And when you begin to get the 10th step to be an observant step, that you're actually outside of yourself watching, This is a very difficult discipline to continue. So you have to, that's why everything is narrowed down to a 24-hour period. This is not about, if you ask me, I've got a lot of opinions and I've gotten a lot out of it. I've had a lot or opinions based on experience but we're in a big book thing here so I feel like I can be kind of free with it. I'm not here to argue either. Please, if this, if your disagree with it, just... But one of the things about the 10th step, you know, if we are observing ourselves and we take this from the 11th step, right? This morning prayer and meditation. It says that what we have is this based on this 24 hour period. We're not sober one day at a time. We are spiritually fit one day At a time, I can prove to you that I can stay sober and be an untreated alcoholism for a long time. Some people can't do it more than two days. I did it for 17 years, you know? And here's the deal. I was actively involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to five meetings a week. I worked the steps. Charlie and I both worked the steps, you Know, to the best of our ability in early sobriety. And then we're living off of an experience, right? That we had had 20 years ago. It works right up until it doesn't. Most of us all know somebody that's gone out with time. Raise your hand if you know somebody who's gone out with time. Yeah, I mean this is not new information. Raise your hand if you know somebody who's taken their life sober. That's the heartbreak right there. And so untreated alcoholism is rampant in Alcoholics Anonymous but how do you know what you don't know? People don't know. I didn't know I was in untreated alcoholicism. My God, I've been sober forever. I figured it must be something else. It's as delusional as trying to convince the alcoholic they're alcoholic. Those are not, that's not an easy thing to convince somebody they're alcoholic because the solution then is not to drink. You try to convince somebody they are in untreated alcoholism and they don't want to hear it. You don't understand I'm an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. So what you have is on that triangle, right? You have unity and then you have service and the foundation is the recovery. Now, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with the fellowship. Charlie and I love the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. Our home is an AA home. But to stay sober only on the fellowship, it's what I call meeting-based sobriety, I've done it. And boy, oh boy, it says on page 14, for if an alcoholic fails to enlarge his spiritual life through work and self-sacrifice for others, he cannot handle certain trials and low spots ahead. I don't know what your trials and lowspots are, I don't know if it's a diagnosis of cancer or a flat tire, but let me tell you, when they hit, you are in trouble. And all of a sudden, the obsession to drink comes back like smoke in a room. All of a suddenly, I started noticing booze. It's like, what is that? I've been sober a long time. It does not bother me to have people drink around me. Then I started noticein' you drinking the booze, and then I started noticin' that I wanted to drink the boozes. And I told Charlie we'd gone out. And when we say there was zero sexual energy, people don't believe that. There was none. It would be like kissing your brother. I mean, that is creepy. And there was no sexual energy between Charlie and I. I was married. Charlie was married several times. and, you know. But it was, and so when I told him, I said, Charlie, I got the monkey on my back. He was the only person I had told. And he said, and he was in untreated alcoholism too, but there's this very important, because everybody always laughs about that, but this is very important. He said to me, whatever you do, don't drink without me. And that seems ridiculous. I thought, don't drink without you whatever stupid and but I'll tell you that bought that bought me a little bit of time and then the next thing you know boy God took us to the next level you know he had my husband had passed away it that's just a story in its own but uh Joe had gone back out after 23 years um sober and died of a heroin overdose and and we were married 20 years it was devastating everything was devastating and Charlie just started waking up from his plane crash he had the plane crash happen Joe died we're best friends and I hope you have a best friend like Charlie Parker he drugged me all over the place and I was like a wet cat in that car I didn't want to go I was pissed off you try to come at me with untreated alcoholism with the solution whatever you know I know everything it's a very difficult person to convince and then you know lo and behold you know some 15 16 years later here we are so go figure i told god i said really you want me to be the one waking up the world to untreated alcoholism i'd much rather have them laughing out the whole time he said no this is your task and so i i've taken it with a honor and so has charlie and we boy i mean life today is shockingly different i had no idea what we were missing i really think had Mark Houston met Joe, that Joe wouldn't have relapsed. I really do believe that he could have brought the message to Joe. And it says on page 77, I'm going to throw these pages out pretty fast, so start flipping your book open. And I've been looking around, watching some people not opening their book. I kind of can't figure that out, just saying. I'm like, okay, it's a big book study. Come again? Yes, yes. Okay, now I don't know exactly where on this page this is, but it's on page 77, where it says our real purpose is to fit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and the people about us. Thank you at the top of the page. We are here to play the role God has assigned us. Now, let me tell you something, guys. When I first started waking up, that just seemed a little too much, really. So I'm supposed to fit myself, which means adapt to be of maximum service to God and those about me. I can say those words, but to actually do that, that wasn't going to happen. And so now today, it's completely different for me. I really do see that when I bring my day down to 24 hours, and that's all I got, I can do so much more of God's work. But if I am just willy-nilly crazy out there, prayer and meditation, do it maybe two, three times a week, 10 steps, nah, maybe do it once every three weeks, I am way more asleep than I think I am. I've taken on this new gal that's got about 20 plus years sober. I'm telling you, long-term sobriety is seductive. well, let that just sink in. Because when she, you know, and I love it, she goes, well, you know, I'm low maintenance. What does that mean? So, oh, so you've arrived? Well, there you have it. Trust me, the alcoholic is restless, irritable, and discontented by nature. That is our, that's our ground level. Now, I am not going out there blowing up the world, But what's going on up here? Wow. It's pretty remarkable when you start watching. I always like to say, I'm going to get angry or afraid. I just don't have the freedom to stay there, no matter if it's justifiable or not. We can get some justifiable resentments. What those are, guys, is forgiveness. I'd much rather ask somebody to forgive me than to have to forgive them. I don't do forgiveness well. I keep score. I like to get even. And if you fall and stumble, I'm like, oh, too bad. You know? I mean, this is what's going on in my mind. Now, you won't see that on the exterior. You'll go, oh! I'm so sorry that happened. Because that's just how I am. And, you know, and I think I've good company. Now on page 25, The book implies trouble. There's nowhere in our book that says you will have arrived. Now, the ego believes it will have arrive, right? The ego will always tell me I have arrived, but you haven't arrived. I had somebody tell me one time they said, oh, my God, I was at a meeting and this woman had like 27 years and I couldn't believe how she was misbehaving. And I thought, well, there you have it, The fact that someone would think that because you have long-term sobriety, you shouldn't behave that way. And so on page 25, it says to blot out our intolerable situation the best we can or accept spiritual help. It's always going to give me two options. It's kind of bottom paragraph, bottom right paragraph. And once again, this will all be online so you can find it then. Page 53 says crushed by a self-imposed crisis, we could not postpone or evade. God's either everything or he's nothing, that's middle of the page. And then on page 133, the deliberate manufacturer of misery, God didn't do it but when trouble comes cheerfully capitalize on it so he can show his omnipotence. Those are three places in the book that tell us you got this miserable situation or accept spiritual help. It's always, always, always the option we have. Blot out our intolerable situation, crush by a self-imposed crisis, deliberate manufacture of misery, or have God help us. Let me tell you, we say that it rolls off the tongue like it's a cakewalk. It is not easy. You see, when you scare me, when you hurt, threaten, or interfere with anything of mine, I go into fix-it mode, what we just read. It bypasses the conscious mind, goes right to the subconscious mind and I spin down. Fear always goes down. I mean, how many of you guys have ever just had something happen just that fast? The next thing you know is you go, oh my God, if that happens and this is going to happen and then I'm going to be dead. And I mean in six seconds. And once again, when you start to observe yourself, you're like, wow, why does that scare me so bad? Well, let's write an inventory. I really think that you should be writing inventory. This is my experience. I think you should Be writing inventory at least twice a month. And that's being generous. But because what we don't understand is there's magic to pen and paper. Magic happens. And my hope is, and after this weekend, is that you begin to write inventory. Inventory should take you three to six minutes to write. Just scribble it out. Don't let the ego get involved. Just scribble It out. And even take one that's just scribbled out to someone. You can call me. I'll do a written 10-step over the phone with you. Then there's a warning. You know, the spirit falls asleep and it dreams it's awake. Mark's favorite term used to be that I'm awake. I'm going through life asleep, dreaming I'm awake. And I was sleepwalking. Oh my God, was I sleepwalkING. So now on page 84, we're going to do the 10th step and we're doing the 10 step because there's more of you guys here right now. And that's, it is a profound step. The 10th step is four through nine condensed. So the deep directions for the 10 step, we've got spot check inventory directions, but the deeper part of these directions is in four through nine. Does that make sense? Okay, so second paragraph, it says this thought, what thought? The thought that we continue to make the amends. See, you don't wait till you've done all your amends and found little Johnny from the second grade before you start the tenth step. You start the 10th step, you kind of have the new guy almost working a tenth step while he's even writing his inventory. We're kind of taking care of just, you know, his problems have piled up and become astonishingly difficult to solve. So it says this thought brings us to step 10, which suggests we continue to take personal inventory. Remember that was back on page 64. This is the personal inventory in the fourth step and continue to set right any new mistakes as we go along. We vigorously commence this way of living as we clean up the past. The book uses incredible verbs. I mean, vigorously. There is no chill in the book at all. Wouldn't that be nice if there was? And it says that we have entered the world of the spirit. The spiritual life is not a theory. We have to live it, right? That's on page 83. Think about this. Mark said to me, he goes, Katie, what does that mean to you? We've entered the World of the Spirit. And I thought, I have no idea. I really don't know what that means. Now, I knew I had a relationship with God in my own mind's eye. It was more knowledge than it was ever intimate and personal. But when he says you've entered the world of the spirit, I really could not answer that. Mark used to say turn statements into questions. So have I entered the word? Have I entered into the world or the spirit? Fair enough question for you to ask yourself. And if you flippantly, if you're not doing an active 10th step weekly and morning prayer and meditation of about 20 minutes and an evening review, I'd say that maybe you're not in the world of the spirit. And the book tells me that I can dip a toe in and take it out and dip a toenail and take it out. You kind of go through a lot of that. And then for me, I lived in the bedevilments on page 52. And oh my God, flip to page 52, it's worth it. These bedevilements are woo-hoo! They were 18 months of the darkest days of my life. I work an AA program today not because I'm afraid of drinking. If I picked up a drink, it would be the solution. It would not be the problem. I work on AA program today because I don't ever want to live in this darkness again. It's right two paragraphs from the bottom. Oh, I'm sorry, it's up a little bit more. Or no, I don'T even have it right. I got, I'M on page 55. Okay, it'S middle of the, middle ofthe page on 52 where it says we have to ask ourselves why we shouldn't apply to our human problems the same readiness to change our point of view. So ask yourself, turn statements into questions. We were having trouble with personal relationships. Anybody in the room having a little trouble? Yeah? And we're not talking significant others. We're talking people at work, people in AA, okay? We couldn't control our emotional nature. Allegee. We were afraid of misery and depression. We couldn'T make a real living. Now that one, remember, you could make a living, but you were miserably unhappy at work. We had a feeling of uselessness. We were full of fear. Remember, the new term is anxiety. Just have a lot of anxiety. I just, I can't go in there. I'll never forget at the International. Oh, you've come up to the wrong person to try to throw a line past me. At the International, I think it was in Atlanta and we go walking in and this girl was standing there and I am awake and aware 90% of my life right now. Awake and aware. And if I see somebody, I'll stop for a minute and go, hey, everything okay? And I really mean it. You know what I mean? I'm kind of hoping not because I really want to walk in with my friends, but I will say it. And I said, everything okay? And she goes, I just have so much anxiety. I can't go in there. And I looked at her and I go, oh yeah, you can. And I mean, I jerked her arm and I just pulled her in there, you know, and she's like. And I'm like, yes, you get, we got all the way in there and I'm going, look, it's all good. I go don't let that fear rob you, man. I mean, she was just trembling. It's like, oh, stop it. Stop it. But she stayed in there with me for about 15 minutes, and I told her how proud I was of her, and we talked then. But it was like, Oh, I'm not going to talk outside of this room and slowly walk you in there. It's Like, Get in there, you know? Sometimes we're talking alcoholism, you big old weenie. oh my god we just we did life-threatening things all the time you know you sober them up they're like I can't do it yes you can uh we were unhappy we couldn't seem to be oh I'm telling you we will milk that thing like crazy too well like I just you know I just I can'T share yes you can. Yeah. As a matter of fact, I'm going to make you. And then it says, we couldn't seem to be of real help to other people. Was not a basic solution of these bedevilments more important than whether we should see newsreel or lunar flight? Those bedevilements, you guys, are dark. They were miserable. I am not a suicidal girl. I considered taking my life. I was scared to death and I had no idea it was untreated alcoholism. No idea. I'm telling you, it's more rampant in AA than we would be willing to admit. There's someone in this room that is scared to tell someone that they're doing really bad. It's really, really unfortunate. Now, I don't necessarily think you should go to your home group and raise your hand, you know, and just vomit. That's kind of dangerous because people are like, well, you Know, I Don't Want Everybody to judge me. Oh, we are. Okay. Now I feel like everybody in AA is judging me. We are. Okay. Let's just get past that. It's of our nature. Now, just because I'm judging you doesn't mean I can't help you. You know? I mean, it's like, do you see this oxymoron between all of this stuff? The ego will try to figure out how to separate you from the only help you're going to get. So it says, our next function back on page 84, our next function is to grow an understanding and effectiveness. Now, think about this. It's a function means expected duty. This microphone's expected duty is so that you could hear me in this room. So our next function, it's our expected duty, is to grow an misunderstanding and effectiveness when I first started, when I first got on fire, is what I like to call it, with AA. I was a lot to handle. I'm coming out of untreated alcohol, and this is toned down, okay? So I'm coming out of untreated alcoholism like you wouldn't believe. And I want to share the message with everybody. I know I'm in a room full of people who get that and I'm telling everybody my sponsees aren't doing it right. I'm jumping their butt and blah, blah, and I called my buddy Bob D and I said, Oh Bob, I'm miserable. You know, my sponcees aren'T doing what I want and all this stuff. And, and Iím just, Iím just angry a lot. And he said, you know, uh, Katie goes do the prayer of understanding and effectiveness, as the book asked for. And I thought it was kind of lame, but I thought, you know, I'll do it. I grew up in AA where somebody tells you to do something, you do it, and that's kind of fallen by the wayside, by theway, but I think we should get back to that. And so I said, I did the prayer that night. It's the first defective character that was ever instantly removed. It was unbelievable. I mean, the minute I was talking to a sponsor, I had this compassion. And I really believe that if God were here in skin and bone, he would say, Katie, you're going to be on the firing lines, and we got to tone that down a little bit. You're going run off more than you're gonna help. I really believed that. And I'm telling you, that was probably 14 years ago, and it's still very much there. It's an amazing prayer. Don't underestimate. If you sincerely want mean business, it can happen like that. It says continue. Now here's the directions for the 10th step. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear. Now these are the four things we're to watch voor. Believe it or not there's a lot of people myself included that did I didn't understand what selfishness meant. I thought it meant like stingy and conceited and I mean I was voted most likable four years in a row in high school. school was very social to me didn't learn damn thing but a boy oh boy was i important there but you know best of everything and but what i get today is that selfishness means all i think about is me everything from the temperature of this room to who's sitting next to me to somebody's clicking a pen somebody's chewing gum aren't they don't they realize who i am nobody has asked me how I'm doing. We are like a sieve and the entire world sifts through me. It says the world and its people really do dominate us. In that state, the wrongdoings of others, fancy or real, has the power to kill. That's big deal. So think about it. It's just the world. And oh, it's people. Other than that, have a good day because that's what it's trying to wake us up to. That is how selfish and self-centered we are. It's unbelievable. Once we get through the third step, I think it'll wake up a lot of people in the many different ways we're selfish. Most of us just think we're givers. We're just givers, just so helpful, just helpful. Always love the one about people pleasers, right? It's like, oh, I'm just a people pleaser. I go, well, really? Well, why don't we just bring in all the people you've pleased and line them up against the wall over here? Let's just hear their great side of you in their life. We are some of the most self-centered individuals and it's shocking to the world. I always tell people, go out in the rest of the week here and when you're talking to people outside of AA, not in here, outside of AAA, and when you start talking, see how many times you get this reaction. You'd be surprised, I'm telling you. Then it says, so we're watching for this selfishness, is I want everybody to do as I wish. I want that. And you know, it's unfortunate. Some people go to another 12-step fellowship because of that. It's in my text. I am the actor running the whole show. I am forever trying to arrange the lights, the scenery, and the ballet. That's in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. It' s the root of my problems. I don't need to go anywhere and manage that. I need to get down to the root cause of it, so that I got a real six-step issue to work on. So it says, and then dishonesty, remember, is in three forms, just straight out lying, lying by omission, kind of shaping the story. And then the third one is believing the delusional lie. It's not denial. The delusion that we suffer from is unbelievable. You can prove me the truth, and I think you're lying. we stay we stay firmly planted on something no matter what there's a line in the book says the victor only seems to win at war although our moments of triumph are short-lived that's because i'm so delusional that i want to be right and i'm going to die on this hill and we die on a lot of hills and then of course um fear is is pretty obvious i mean really resentment is is fear and drag, right? I mean, it really is. After a while, you just, you start to move past resentment and go straight to fear. You know, you should be really writing a lot of fear inventories. And because we got to get down to fear is not the root of my trouble. Selfishness and self-centeredness is the root OF my trouble, but self-centered fear, it's got a different take. So I'm afraid I'm not going to get what I think I need. And then if I get it, I'm going to lose it. So I'm in this constant game of pong, and I don't know that I'm in that constant game, but I'm deathly afraid I'm not going to get the guy. I get the guy, oh my God, I'm going to lose him. I'm Deathly Afraid I'm Not Going to Get the Job. I Get the job, oh my god, I'M GOING TO LOSE IT. I'M DEATHLY AFRAID I'LL NEVER BUY A HOME, OH MY GOD, I BUY a HOME. I'm NOT GOING TO BE ABLE TO PAY FOR IT. YOU COULD JUST FILL IN THE BLANK ANYWHERE, OKAY? SO THAT'S SELF-CENTERED FEAR. okay so when we ask we do these we ask God at once to remove it now listen to the urgency in the spot check inventory we ask god at once to remove it we discuss it with somebody immediately we make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we could help So you've got at once, immediately, quickly, and resolutely. And this is when you're resentful, dishonest, selfish, or afraid. Now think about how most of us have not done this. I mean, come on, it's easy to see, and then you'll get a sponsee that goes, oh my God, I'd be calling you 15 times a day. I go, well, try once. Let's start, you know? I don't care how silly it sounds. And then once they, I had one, she finally called me. Oh my God. She goes, you know, she wanted, her ego cannot, she's got to tell me the problem and the solution. She cannot not tell me that solution. I go, please do not tell me this solution. Let me tell you. That's my job. Okay. You don't have to get a gold star today. And so she brings me the program and I start digging and digging and digging and digging. And I swear she goes, okay stop. Stop. I'm clearly seeing that I was trying to make it something simple. And I said, that's all I'm trying to get you to because look at how you do this in life. You see, the ego does not want you to look bad ever. It will kill itself. Or as Charlie likes to say, it will kill the host. And so that's what we're trying to wake up here. So if you're kind of you know, on the fence about what we're talking about here. Just continue to have an open mind and let just a little of this get past you. So when we ask God at once to remove it, this involves the laws. Mark was huge about the laws, we talk a lot about Mark, Mark was never my sponsor. I have, my sponsor is Marty Ruby, Mark was just influential in 10 and 11 to me, and sponsorship. Influential. Is that the right word, Charlie? Yes? Okay, good. Okay, so, and what was interesting about this is Mark was huge about the laws. Now, in every religious body, there is law. So if you're Western religion or Eastern religion, you know, and I'm going to, you know Native Americans in there, but I don't know so much the laws there as I do Eastern and Western. But Western is as a man thinketh, we reap what we sow. Eastern, self-fulfilling prophecy, that type of deal. Water seeks its own level. They're in all of them. And so because they're in these laws, you have to begin to respect them. Just like we respect the law of gravity. Nobody's going to jump off the building because they know that the law OF gravity is in effect and you're going to splat on the ground. But if you wouldn't jump off and go, maybe today the law won't work, you know? So, but we disrespect these laws all the time. I lean towards Western, so have an open mind. And I call it the law of substitution. So when we ask God to remove it, we must replace it. The law of substitution is in effect. Now listen to this law. There are great laws that govern all things, just as there are a few fundamental laws in chemistry. We know that thought control is the key of destiny. And in order to learn thought control, we have to know and understand these laws. One of the great mental laws is the law of substitution. This means that the only way to get rid of a certain thought is to substitute another one for it. You cannot dismiss a thought directly. You can do so only by substituting another one for it when a negative thought comes to you don't fight them but think of something positive preferably think of God but if that is difficult at the moment turn your attention to something quite different. Okay, so now understanding the law of substitution and say all of you just got this fear of losing your job and you've already done the 10th step with your sponsor on it. You've already talked to her. So now you're going to redirect, redirect, indirect. You're watching your thinking and all of a sudden you're just tooling along. You walk into the coffee machine at work and all OFA sudden you think, oh my God, I just know I'm going to lose my job. Boom. You know what, God? I'm not willing to believe that delusional lie. I love my job. I am one of the top employees here. Thank you. Three to ten seconds. Just redirect, redirect, indirect. Some days, depending upon what the fear is or the resentment, you may have to redirect up to 50 times a day. Watch what happens. If you've never done it, try it. It's amazing. Now, we also have the law of subconscious activity. now this will make your butt pucker okay get ready i know you're tired just pinch yourself something as soon as the subconscious mind accepts any idea it immediately begins to try to put it into effect so you know in the third step where it says selfishness and self-centeredness this we think is the root of our troubles driven by a hundred forms of fear self-delusion self-pity and self seeking driven this is what driven is all of a sudden somebody looks at you and goes like this at work. You're like, what the hell is that? I don't even like them. Was that a kind of back at you? And then before you know it, man, you got to put a storyline to that. See, this is what we're talking about. This is the subconscious mind. It got an idea and it's getting ready to take off. I do this thing down. We have this beautiful hike and bike trail in Austin. I was a fitness professional for 30 years and I'm down there running and I run for 20 minutes and I do a lunge walk for 20 minutes and it's an unusual looking walk, but I've done it forever. And, you know, I mean, I've been doing it for 15 years down there and there was two young girls and I'm sorry, no disrespect, but I do have a little trouble with the millennials and these two young girl come walking towards me and they just start laughing. And I thought... Now, I have no idea if one of them was telling the other one a story or anything. But I am real clear that was about me. And I swear, I was like, wow, God, did you see how fast that went? I have no idea. And I mean, I had to, I wasn't sure. I was in that prayer in that I'm not willing to believe this delusional lie. I have not just happened to look up and they're laughing at me. See what I mean? Watch. You can open an email and go down the tubes, and it's midnight. You can't do a thing about it. And you could have a miserable night's sleep because of a misinterpreted email. I'm telling you, this is really serious stuff, guys. You better have the tool in your toolkit to attack that because if you let it dig in, oh, it's going to be like a splinter that festered. you know, have you ever just left a splinter in and you think, oh, I just don't want to pick it. And the next day it's just big and red and it hurts like the Dickens. That little bitty thing, when it digs in, it's trouble. So it says, it uses all the resources that are far greater and commonly supposed. It uses every bit of knowledge that you've ever collected, most of which you've totally forgotten to bring about its purpose. It mobilizes the many mental powers that you possess, most of which you never consciously use. It draws on the unlimited energy of the racing mind. It lines up all the laws of nature as they both operate inside and outside of you to get its way. Sometimes it succeeds in its purpose immediately. Sometimes it takes a little time. Sometimes it takes a long time. But if this is not utterly impossible, the subconscious will bring it about once that accepts the idea. Now, do you see how disturbing that is? Everyone in this room knows exactly what I'm talking about. All based on one... That's it. I mean, and now it could be way bigger and go down the tubes more. But now listen, here's the good news. The law is true both for good and bad ideas. This law, when used negatively, brings sickness, trouble, and failure. And when used positively brings healing, freedom, and success. We give the orders. The subconscious mind does the work. It's unbelievable, guys. Absolutely unbelievable. Now, this is after we've done the 10th step. We've made the call to our sponsor or your 10th-step buddy, whoever you have. I encourage you to have five good 10-step people that will get you to see it from an entirely different angle. I am not interested in you ever agreeing with me. If you agree with me, I am dead in the water. You know what, Katie? That's just wrong. What they did was just wrong I mean, every once in a while, I'll tell a sponsor, I am so sorry that they handled it that way. But is there any truth in what they were saying? oh yeah you get that same thing boom yeah yeah there was well too bad they didn't come to you and say hey listen mary you know i know you're kind of a pain in the ass but uh i'm going to try to say this as nice as i can instead they they didn'T they came at you hard see we poke people and what we want to do is talk about their reaction we got to walk the dog backwards and get to the place where we made a decision based on self that later placed me in a position to be hurt. And I'm telling you, you get somebody that does good 10 steps, you can walk that dog backwards all the time. If you come at me with something lame like, you know, would you rather be right or happy? You know, I just want to slap you. It's like, well, I want both. Okay, how hard is that to figure out? See, that's like asking me to work the promise and hope the step comes true. You know, that is the promise. But we've got to get through the work. You've gotto get me to walk the dog backwards. And then it says make amends quickly if we've harmed anyone. And then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we could help. When I'm doing that delusional lie, I am turning my thoughts to others. I'm talking about what a great work environment that I have and the people I'm working with I enjoy and all of that stuff. So I kind of make that all mesh. Well, let me give you an idea of what a tenth step looks like. This was, Marty and I, I do a lot of 10 steps. I don't know about you guys. I love the way I feel today, but I can be easily agitated and I can easily afraid. Am I talking to the right room of people? Okay, just checking on you. You may fall into that group of high maintenance, whatever that is. I mean low maintenance, Whatever That Is. So Marty has this high-powered job in criminal court. my sponsor. And unfortunately, they don't stop when Katie calls. And I've asked and they won't do it. I even asked the judge and she's like, no ma'am, no mam. So I have to text my sponsor and I am not a fan of texting. I think texts are for facts, not feelings. So, I'm not about you texting me a page and a half long 10th step. I want to hear your voice. But Marty knows that this day, I needed her on point because we were going to the doctor. Now my husband that passed away was a very sick man, very, very sickman. Had a brain tumor, hep C, back surgeries. He had a lot of stuff physically going wrong with him and he and I had worked out a dance that allowed me to walk in there and be the nurse. I mean, I had the clipboard and I talked and he was like, go ahead, find out all the information and that worked for us. We also grew up together. We raised children together, and that was, I also drove. I know that shocks you. So that was the girl I was in that marriage. Well, when Charlie and I get together, we're middle-aged when we get together. And by that point you have established a lot. And so I kind of know how to do doctor's office. Well all of a sudden that's not, that doesn't work with Charlie Parker. Okay. And the next thing you know I realize that I, my position is to sit there. And he is going to tell them everything. And it's all lies, okay? Didn't see that coming. Well, he has a little throat cancer scare and he's good. We go in about every three months to have his throat scoped. This has been going on now for six years. The doctor knows us well. He loves us but we are a lot coming at him and the thing it's in San Antonio so it's 70 miles away and the cool thing about it is Charlie and I like, we are a couple that likes to spend time together. Not every marriage is like this, but we do. We competitively shoot shotguns. We do AA together. We spend a lot of time together, so when we go to the doctor's office, we always go at the 8 30 a.m. appointment. We leave at six in the morning. We head down there. We go to the Doctor. He gets his throat scoped. We got to the hospital. We have this favorite restaurant we eat at, and then we stop by the outlet mall on the way. I mean, it's just a little dance we do. Well, now I think I'm spiritually fit this day. Sometimes you think you are until something happens and you see you're not. And that's a little late in the game, but that's what happened. So we're sitting there and when we walk into the doctor's office, they know us pretty well. And I swear Charlie's like to the nurse, hey Mary, how'd the boys, you know? And you know, he's just charming, just a charming little Jap that he is, you Know, and just comes in. I said chap, I meant to say chap, I'm tired. Little chap that he is, you know. And the next thing you know, she's sitting there and you know at doctor's appointments she got like 15 minutes. I mean even though this doc loves us, there's a window. And so she's, you know, asking him, she goes, Charlie, you been using much nose spray? And he goes, not at all. Not at all? Okay. That's a lie. And you know she says, have you been clearing your throat much? And He goes, no, not it all. Not at all! He uses nose spray. It's around the house like glasses. every 10 feet his nose frayed one time we're in the airport in Vegas and he's down on one knee taking a hit like I looked at him I went oh get off the floor for God's sakes and uh and he all morning long you try to have a conversation with me and I said he's like well honey and so I just thought you know what and she walks out and I just stood up and I said, you know, Charlie, you are a big, fat liar. Just like that. I was so pissed. And he just, he comes out of that chair like the Incredible Hulk. He goes, get out! And I thought, you know what? I'm the kind of girl who you scare me, I take a step forward. And I'm like, you know what, I am out of here, Charlie. And then I'm grabbing all my stuff and I'm crying and it's that really ugly cry, ladies, you can't stop it. You're not going to stop talking because I was so pissed, you know. And then I'm just out of here, Charlie. And I grab all my stuff and I get ready to walk out. Dr. Simpson's walking in. He goes, whoa, whoa. Whoa, Katie, you okay? I'm like, no, I'm not okay. And I get out there and I go into the foyer area and I mean, I am doing bad, bad. I am very upset. And I'm juste like this. I'm trying to read a magazine. And I thought, oh my God, I've got to text Marty. now she knows I'm at this doctor's visit. Why? Because we stay in very close contact because that's her job. We're not best friends. If you're your best friend, more power to you. I can't do that. Marty is my sponsor. She is the suicide hotline. We are not going to spend weekends together. Okay. I need somebody who has a perspective on my life. And this is the text Marty, I need a new toolkit for a sick husband. We'RE in the doctor's office. I just left the room. I can't stop crying. I must sit there and be submissive. There's the old idea. Do you see it? Do you ever really see that happening? But when I'm in it, I think it's happening. And I'll kill both of us. I really will. I mean, you make me think that my voice doesn't matter and I'll take us both down. That's been all my life. This is not new information, okay? I can't do that he does not give him enough information she texts me back immediately oh honey I'm so sorry it must be so painful she always goes and then she whacks the crap out of you and I swear to god I fall for it every time I'm like yes it is it's like that little baby seal just says, uh, I'm sure he's scared. Maybe even terrified. None of this is about you. How can you be helpful? Are you in that doctor's office treating him like he knows nothing? Are you the doctor police? How are you coming off when you're giving information to the doctors? Are you a smugly superior? I texted her back. Yes. and I swear what was really kind of scary to me is that it instantly turned that hysterical crying off. I mean, it was kind of creepy scary, you know, where I'm not crazy but that was kind of scary. You with me on that? To where all of a sudden, how can you be that hysteric and just turned it right off because she went right to it, just hosed it down and she says, stepping on his toes are you well if not you who cloaked in a good motive you have all the tools hon just use them i know hospitals and doctors are some traumatic stuff for you and you go on super high alert this is a new day and i texted her back and said thanks and here's the best part of this charlie came walking out this was within four minutes of me walking out because it says immediately i'm in that much trouble and charlie comes walking out his appointment's not over and he goes, honey, please come back in there. Had I not done this, the level of pride and ego I have, I wouldn't have got up because I'm not going in there, and instead, I went over there and hugged him, and we went in, and it's so funny. Dr. Simpson's like this. Okay. Oh my God. So now, I got about another 10 minutes. Just hang in there until you see the urgency in the 10th step? This is important stuff, guys. Marty knew I was down there. She knows that it's troublesome for me. She knows that Charlie doesn't do that. He doesn't do what Joe did. See, I want to make Charlie Joe. That will never happen. So the other thing too is how many people in this room are currently, got to qualify this, currently married. Yeah, see, look around the room. It's not much hope, people. Not much hope at all. Yeah, I just want you to see that. I swear now, if I say how many people have been married, let's see. Yeah. There you go. How many? Now then we can get the wave, right? How many two, Two times, three times. Oh my God. And here's what's funny. It says in the 12 and 12 that we are unable to form a true partnership with another human being. That's sad, isn't it? That's just straight up sad. There are very few self-help groups sitting around talking about stuff like that. You know what I mean? we come to Alcoholics Anonymous not as a self-help group, but as a group that understands the fatality of this illness. And we can kill people who don't have it. Alcoholism takes out people who don'T even have the illness. Makes them think they're crazy. And so when we're talking about the really, really growing and understanding and effectiveness, and we're taking about this making this true partnership with another human being. We're talking about sponsors, siblings, employees, employers. We are talking about all these people. We cannot form a true partnership with them. We must do the work. There is so much work. This is entering the realm of the spirit. This is what God is trying to wake us up to. Not that we are good people, but that we have really, really succumb to the illness understanding it at a deeper level we do Charlie and I have done you know he was my best friend and and I he was married several times we make fun of that and everything but I swear to God I I believe he was raised by wolves and it was my job to try to straighten him out and understand what it means to be married and it has been a lot of work and Charlie likes to joke and he always does say that he's some of my best work it almost killed me uh But, you know, we, boy, to get ourselves to where we are today was a lot of work on both our parts. And I got to tell you, I've become a way better person because I've stepped back. I don't run the whole show. I don' t drive. I'm not in charge of everything. Charlie is, believe it or not. He does everything. It's the greatest thing. I told her I was doing some inventory. I said, Marty, my God, he grocery shops. He does the laundry. He cleans the house. I mean, he does everything! and she's like, and there's a problem in this? I said, yeah, I have no role. You know, I'm sitting in the big leather chair and he said, you know, honey, it'd be nice if you would at least rinse your dish off. And I thought that is my line. AndI had no idea what to do with that. But now let me tell you, I wasn't grateful for it. Oh, please don't. I know you'd think how could she not? Because I had no role. I didn't know how to do, it was like, well, who am I? What do I do here? If I want to make the bed well after I get out of it, he likes to make bed right then. Well, you know what? I ain't making it right then, so knock yourself out. You know what I mean? And so the other thing that we used to do is we do this thing called do-overs, right? Do-overs are so, so important in the 10th step. I think sometimes we think we have to always be heard. Women always have to share their feelings, and you guys are just done with it. You know, you just don't want to hear it. Now, I'm not saying you don't get to ever do that. But there was – I'd get out of the car. I mean, I go to get my hair done. It's a three-hour deal, right? Every six weeks, three hours, I sit in that chair. I walked in the house one day, and, you know, he didn't even say anything. I'm like – You know? And he goes, is everything okay? I go, no, it's not okay, Charlie. I go – god dang, I just – I had my hair down. And, you know, you didn't say anything. I sit in that chair for three hours, you know? I mean, I'd like you to say something. He goes, you knows what? Let's do a do-over. He goes go back out. Go get in the car. Well, I go all the way out. I get out of the car, I shut the door. I open the door, you know, and he goes, oh my God. Did you just get your hair done? I go, yes, I did. And I swear, he's turned around, turned around. Let me see it all. And then what's really fabulous is he's now got his sponsees calling me. And they're like, Katie, is there something different about you? Did you get your hair done today? I'm like, yes, I did. Yes, I do. I just love that kind of stuff. You know, because you can really, it's like, because otherwise we alcoholics, both male and female will die on every hill. Okay. And I said, it says we grow in love and tolerance. Love and tolerance is our code, right? This code is a body of laws. It's a rule for living. That's a dandy. I love on page 44 where it says, a mere code of morals or better philosophy of life were sufficient to overcome alcoholism, last paragraph, many of us would. But we couldn't live up to these codes and morals. Isn't that interesting? Think about that. Somebody says, well, just be nicer to him. Oh, kiss my foot. Really? Really? You think it's just going to, you know, why don't you just sprinkle fairy dust on me? I can act nice, but if you really want me to sincerely feel it, I have to do the work behind it. It doesn't work like that. I wish it did. I wish I could just chicken soup for the soul AA, you know? It just doesn't work that way. And that's a very tough spot to be in, guys, I'm telling you. Every part of me wants to be morally better. I want to be a very giving and understanding wife. I'm not. And I'm telling you, I know based on what? We had 15 hands raised. This is not new information, okay? This is difficult. Most people go, you know, I love this, an alcoholic will go, you know what, I'm happy alone. I'm unhappy alone. Oh, really? You're a big fat liar, but go ahead and tell me that. Oh, don't take up, and I'm just kidding you on that one. Okay, so now, page 84, the last paragraph. And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone, even alcohol. Now this kind of gets a little mixed up here because it says we have ceased fighting everything or anyone. So we have seized fighting money, weather, traffic. That's a good barometer for your spiritual growth. How do you do in traffic? Are you the guy slamming on your brakes because somebody is following too close? Are youthe guy shooting somebody the finger? I can promise you, if that's you, oh, you're in more untreated alcoholism than you know. You've drifted. Let's put it that way. We won't even call. We'll just say you're a little dry. Don't get around a match. because I'm telling you if you can comfortably shoot somebody the finger that's not too spiritually fit it's just not. If you can scream in the line at a store it's worth looking at oh I know that just you could just feel the butt pucker right there didn't you that's what I always tell people now don't get me wrong you're going to have the thought that you want to do it oh don't think that goes away your very first thought you're not even responsible for I've had some thoughts before where I've just gone like this oh my god I mean I am deeply judgmental, deeply just go to a grocery store, there's a lot of laws and rules in a grocery story, you shouldn't be leaving your cart there no kids standing in the grocery store I am like the sheriff, there is a flag on the field get that kid down, down, hey hey, hey, sit it down. Sit it down right now. Then when they look at me, I go, takes a village, just takes a Village. But I mean, watch yourself. Watch yourself when we're in the food lines. Any food line? Well, who's taking so much time up there? Oh, it's Mary. I knew it would be. Yeah, she's always dragging her heels. Just watch yourself in your meeting. I mean, you can zone out when certain people talk. I'm going to read that line again. We have ceased fighting anything or anyone. Now, that doesn't mean physically fighting. I want to get to the place to where God help me see what this person needs. You see, because that particular personality will always bother me. Have you ever had somebody walk in a room and you take an instant dislike to them and you don't even know who they are? Just an instant dislike. You're like, eh, jerk. And that's worth looking at. Trust me. This realm of the spirit is huge. By this time, sanity will have returned. Now think about this sanity, guys. I think the book, when the book is talking about insanity, I believe it is behind the first drink. I think that's constantly what it's referring to. People like to say, well, you know, we're insane because, you know, We do the same things expecting different results. No, that's not what the book has tried to talk us to. We're driven by a hundred forms of fear, self-delusion, self seeking and self pity. We're driven. But the sanity is behind the drink. And when we're looking at this, it kind of mixes and matches. It kind of gets away. I've been on all sides of talking about it, but that's the way I see it. And then it says, we feel as though we've been placed in a position of neutrality, safe and protected. I had always thought a position of neutrality meant like Switzerland, that I'd feel okay. Oh, not so. Self-centered fear, I don't feel okay, but I will begin to feel better. But when I, Mark used to say do nothing. So now somebody has sent you a really ugly email. Try doing nothing for 24 hours. You need to watch and turn, watch and turn. All the ego wants to remember what I read in the beginning? We want to just jump into it. We are not about sitting still. It says we've not even sworn off. The problem has been removed. This is how we act so long as we keep in fit spiritual condition. Mark used to say that a lot, fit spiritual conditioning. He said to me one time, he said, Katie, you're a fitness professional. You know what's required to be an athlete? I've been an athlete all my life. I mean, people just think it's diet and exercise. Wouldn't that just be sweet? Oh, my God. It is a shit ton of supplements, a buttload, which is more than a shit ton, a butthole of drinking water, and you must get eight hours of sleep every night. Just ask yourself on that one. I mean that's a must. Lights out at 1030, you get up at 730, 630, whatever that time is, you must do this. The body requires this to heal, and I know that. I am one of the most disciplined people you will ever meet. I happen to be married to a very undisciplined man. You can imagine the inventory I have to write on that one because Charlie's not the problem. You see, that's why he makes my evening review every night. as again i'd like to say there was 19 hands raised okay people so charlie doesn't have the problem i do my troubles are of my own making you see this is what this is all about and so when mark told me about this fit he said take that into your spiritual life katie attack these disciplines of 10 and 11 like your fitness program. Change my world. I don't miss it, period. Evening review, morning prayer and meditation, 10 steps. Man, I am on it. And if I drift for whatever reason, my sister was in town for seven days, a little difficult to wake up, do that. If you have small children, very challenging, very challenge. Get rid of the kids. But you know what I mean? There are going to be things. We must be able to do this. There is no excuse, right? So it says, page 85, first paragraph, it's easy to let up on the spiritual program of action and rest on our laurels, right. This is where you're asleep dreaming you're awake. We're headed for trouble if we do, for alcohol is a subtle foe. That is crafty, let me tell you. This will be the last one that I read. We are not cured of alcoholism. What we have is a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of our spiritual condition. A daily repieve is to grant temporary delay. Contingent means uninterrupted. I'm telling you, look at your life. Ask yourself the tough questions. Do you do prayer and meditation? Some days it sucks. People act like it's not going to suck. It sucks bad. You do it anyway. Some days I go to the gym, it sucks, okay? You do it anyway." Sometimes I don't like that I have to eat good. Suck it up. You know, that's just what I have do. So I had to do my prayer and meditation life and my 10 steps this way. Says page 87, three lines down, being still inexperienced... Oh, I'm sorry, sorry, don't switch back. Change it. Continue on because I'm gonna do that in the 11th step. Then it says a little farther down on where we were, every day is a day we must carry the vision of God's will into all our activities, right? The traffic, the lines, the AA members, the ex-husbands, the Ex-in-laws. How can I best serve thee? Thy will not mine be done. These are thoughts, thoughts, not actions, thoughts that must go with us constantly. Says if we have carefully followed direction, remember that directions is on page 29, Clear-cut directions are given showing us how we have recovered. We've begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us, this entering the realm of the spirit. You cannot be in the realm of the Spirit if you don't do the disciplines. I'm sorry, you can't. I'll say that black and white. Now, that doesn't mean you're not a good person. That doesn't means your life's not good. But we're asking you these things. Do you have the defense against alcoholism? Because what happens is all of a sudden you break a tooth, something that simple. You break a tooth, you go to the doctor. He says, I'm going to have to give you some Vicodin. You go, yes, you are. Why, yes you are and he gives you the Vicodan. You got the malady all over you because you're not doing any of the disciplines. You're in that dream world. Youre asleep dreaming. You're awake. You re resting on your laurels. You take that Vicodon. It triggers, it treats the malty, triggers the allergy and the next thing you know, you're getting more dental work. And let me tell you, you don't need any... If you get a root canal and you tell me you need Vicodin, you are a big fat liar. You do not need Vicодin. They give it to everyone. We have lost the privilege to chemical control. But what is it, Charlie? Chemical what? Thank you. Chemical peace of mind. We have lost the privilege of that. It doesn't. I've had six, and they always go, would you like Vicodin? I go, well, yes, I would, however. And then when he left the room, the pad was sitting right there. It had it on there. It was typed up. The whole thing had been pre-printed. And I thought, I could steal that right now, man. I could steal that and just kind of scribble his name. I mean, all that goes through our minds. This wasn't that terribly long ago, guys. See, I'm watching. I'm not doing it. But don't be delusional to think you're some sort of little angel. And then we're going to end on this. We've begun to sense the flow of his spirit into us. To some extent, we've become God conscious. Thought life, right? Thought react, thought react. that's what most of us live in. Now we're getting this God consciousness. We've begun to develop this vital sixth sense. Is that wonderful or what? All right, guys, you are so patient. Thank you. We'll get back with this tomorrow, but I think Ryan's going to come up and make some announcements. Thank you very much. That was great. Terrific. All right guys, so we're going to wrap it up up, just leave the tables where they are. We're going to use them tomorrow morning. The trash can, throw your trash away. The dumpster's over there in that corner. So the trash bags, we're going to take them out of the trash can and throw them in the dumpster for whoever wants to help. Also, we got these cool name tags, right? So the name goes inside them. so this might be news to some people just and i hang on to these too because we're going to need them for tomorrow so bring them with you tomorrow morning and uh and oh oh yeah the food so we have enough food to feed at least 600 more people so so take some home we got plenty of spaghetti meatball every take some with you take a whole sheet whatever do something with it and um oh is there any sober living houses sober treatment centers take a whole sheet feed everyone uh also uh jake's nice enough he's gonna record this so we're gonna have a link for free on the website setasidegroup.org maybe on monday or something and you guys can listen to everything here yeah good question thank you for that andrea she's an angel so listen we're going to start eating in here at 8 a.m but uh katie and charlie parker they don't they're not going to start until nine so we're gonna have that window to eat hang out mingle all that good stuff okay any any other questions that was a good one the tablecloth i don't know i think they're pretty good, right? I mean, it depends on... They're fine. Come on. Alright, we've been through worse. Good God. Holy crap. Okay. Alright, thanks guys.