Step 10 and the Spiritual Axiom That I Am the Problem – Polly P.

Hi everybody my name is Polly and I'm an alcoholic. What a great room this is what a great group of people and welcome to the newcomers and all the out-of-towners and this is great thank you thank you Joni this was very nice to have me here I feel as if I am the most richly blessed person in the world and that is a direct result of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and I'd like to kind of tell you what's going on in my life today and all my life I have been a person prior to coming to the program at AlcoholicsAnonymous who never liked any pain, who always thought that, you know, you should do it for me. You should make me happy. You should do this for me and you should be able to do it for me and I came to a program called Alcoholics Anonymous and they started to talk about things like responsibility and accountability and those were the kind of words that I didn't want to hear anything about because I believed that I was the way I was and it was not my fault. I don't know if any of you heard the Eagles new song but I just think it's the best song I have ever heard it's called get over it and I just I just love it you're someone who's sponsored by me and there's a lot of whining it's just suck it up and get over and go find a step to work and let's get on with the business of living. And when I came to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous, that's not the way I was. I was a victim and if there's any of you out there looking for your inner child, I can tell you about what I feel about all of that victim stuff and all that inner child stuff and all that blaming stuff. I think it's one big pile of bullshit. and i know how to be a child i don't know if any of you know how to be an adult i mean this is how to behave like a child is something i've always known how to do i know how to stomp my feet i know how to have a fit and i know how to make it your fault I know how to do all that stuff and you know it's much nicer to see these young people in here because at least you're doing an age appropriately you know I'm standing up here trying to do adolescent menopause all at the same time so but the one thing that I've learned in 17 years of sobriety and oh let me give you my sobriety date. I got sober in Texas, and in Texas they say if you don't give your sobrietry date, it's probably because you don' t have one. And I got sober April the 11th of 1977. And I'm so grateful to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous because I have been given a new lease on life. Today I have a plan of action, I have design for living, and I can do life on life's terms. Now, I used to be the kind of person that if life dumped it, you know, it really dumped on me. I felt really sorry for myself and I don't know if any of you can do pity pots but I can really do pity pods and I always had this sense of, you know you needed to do it for me and I'm born and raised in Texas so I grew up thinking men were supposed to take care of women. It was men's responsibility and I come to a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, and you start to talk to me about responsibility and accountability and that I am responsible for my feelings past and present. And I'm so grateful for that because today I have been set free. And both of our big books talk about know the truth and the truth will set you free. Now it's apt to piss you off first, but it will set your mind free. It will set me free. The thing that I'm at right now at 17 years of sobriety is I'm really back to basics. You know, one of the things that the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about is that there is a principle that will keep a man forever in ignorance, and that principle is contempt prior to investigation. Now when I talk about the inner child and all of that, I've already done all that. You see, I was one of these people that I had this love for Alcoholics Anonymous. But I always felt like you probably needed to do just a little bit more. And so I was always doing these other things as well. Well, I'm here to tell you at 17 years of sobriety, I am back to basics. I'm back to the big book. And I have finally come to a position in my life where I don't know anything. I mean, we had a big hoopla at our AA meeting the other night because, you know, somebody got really into this whole big thing because somebody mentioned drugs and their pitch. And, I mean it was just, you now, it was a big totally blown out of proportion which only an alcoholic can do. And what's really neat is, is I didn't have to be involved in any of that. And second of all, I felt like it was so petty and so silly that I didn't even have to do anything about it. I could just let it go, see that everybody involved was acting out and alcoholism was totally present. And I'm so grateful for that because I don't have to make a big deal of things anymore. However, as far as the outside of my life would appear, it is probably the word would be having had some pretty hard times in the past about year and a half or two years. and about six months ago that's how I would have described it but I would've been standing behind this podium trying to give you a lot of stuff and that's okay because today I believe that the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says repetition strengthens and confirms and faith then comes naturally so a lot times I just had to act as if and I've learned in the program at AlcoholicsAnonymous If you take a set of actions, that set of action will change your thinking and your thinking will change our feelings. You see I was always a prisoner of my feelings and today I have a plan of action in order to change the way I feel and I am no longer a prisoner of my feeling. So for a while I would say things, I really didn't mean it but I would say it anyway, or if you caught me on a really honest day. I was whining a lot because I certainly thought my journey was very tough. And today, I'm so grateful. There's a guy in Washington, D.C., and his name is Sandy B. And Sandy talks about our receivers are broken. We come to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and our receivers are broken, and we have to learn how to receive. And I'm not a person who's ever learned how to receive, you see, I'm kind of always on the giving end, but never was I giving prior to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous without a hook on it, because you see I gave to you with the intention that you would give back to me, but see what you were going to give me was, you were going to tell me what a nice person I was, what good things I did. And I needed you to validate my very existence. But when you're on the receiving end, you're very vulnerable. You're not in control because those of us who like to be on the giving end, we usually like to do that because we're controllers. And I have had to learn to receive and it has been a very humbling experience because It was two years ago, or it's been about a year and a half ago, I guess. I can't, dates seem to leave me. My husband lost his job. My husband is a computer scientist. I mean, you can't get in there and take it personal because 500 other people lost their job too. It seems like corporations think if you're 50 years old, you're done. And so what we found out was that the world was not really anxious to hire a 57-year-old computer scientist. So we had to learn a lot of things. Here is a very well-educated man, and he ended up working seven days a week at two jobs, one job for $10 an hour and one job for $6 an hour, but he worked. And we ended up losing our home, and I didn't think that anything in the world could be worse than here you are, 17 and 18 years of sobriety, and they're coming in to repossess your home. And, you know, so instead of having a rags-to-riches story, you're going to hear a riches-to rag story. But the deal is, is that now when a newcomer comes walking into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and they start talking about, oh my God, I'm losing my home, I say sit down, sweetheart, I've been there, done that. And it's okay and you can stay sober and you kan do these things. And I thought this was like the worst thing that could probably happen to you. And what I really ended up learning from the experience was, is I learned to receive because there were people that were doing very, very nice things to my husband and I. They were taking us to dinner, and they were doing very nice thing, and I was very, very embarrassed about all that. So what was in the way was our egos, or certainly my ego. I think Dave was accepting this whole situation much better than me. And the only thing that was there was my own embarrassment and my own ego. And what I have learned is is that the people in Alcoholics Anonymous are exactly who they say they are, and when you've got troubles, believe me, they're there. I mean, people came and helped us move, and that's not like fun stuff to do. I still remember that. It's beyond my wildest... I mean I just couldn't even believe it. I thought then the worst thing that could happen to us, we found out about a month ago. But now I have learned that it is a special gift. On May 23, 1993, I had the most precious gift given to me in all the world. And he's my grandson and his name is Ryan David Klinger Lee. And a month ago, we were given the information that our little grandson is deaf. And he's not going to hear. He doesn't have a hearing problem. He is deaf, and he's just going to be able to hear, and he is not going to be able to hear. So as a result of this, I have had a brand new world open up. It took a few weeks in order to swallow that because it just doesn't, you know, So it's one of those things that you never ever think it will happen to you. But what he has done, this little boy, is he's given us a whole new world to find out about. And I hope if I get invited to speak again maybe in a little while I'll be able to sign as I give my talk because what we're going to learn to do is to do sign language and we have been introduced to the deaf community The heightened consciousness that I have as a result of this little boy is beyond anything that I could have possibly imagined. And, you know, one of the things that we do sometimes is like, my husband is in the other room and we're talking and da-da-da, yackety-yack, you know, and nobody's ever listening. This little boy is only 17 and a half months old. And when you talk, before we even knew for sure, we knew that he couldn't hear very well, but that we knew he was for sure deaf, he would take your face and turn it toward him. So the intimacy that we will experience as being with this little boy is going to be beyond anything I could possibly imagine because you will always have to look at him. And I never even knew that we were going to get that gift as well. So I'm here to tell you, those of you who are new, the walk you may take may not be the one, as my son said, when this first happened. And I knew exactly how he felt because it's going to be a lot of work on my son and my daughter-in-law. He says, Mom, I just didn't sign up for this. But you know what? Now we know that God does not make mistakes and that things happen to people that can handle them and that will appreciate them. And I mean, what we're learning is so unbelievable. And I didn't sign up for alcoholism and I didn' t sign up for this. But as a result of this my life is beyond anything I could have possibly imagined. And the values I had two years ago are nothing like the values I have today. And I'm really grateful for the experiences that I've had in a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. And, I know that without the God that I found in the rooms of AlcoholicsAnonymous, I would not be able to experience the life I am experiencing. And I can tell you at one time the things that were really important was cars, houses, good jobs, being thin, all of the things that I thought I wanted from you and you had it better than me. And today, the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that our code is love and tolerance. And I'm here to tell you tonight that the most valuable thing that I have in all of the world is the love that I found in the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous. Because when I came here, I was entirely too spiritually dead to feel any kind of love. And today, I am so blessed and I feel so full. And I never ever believed that I was enough. I am raised Southern Baptist. I believe that God was out to get me no matter what. And that no way would I ever be enough. and I'm here to tell you tonight because I am a child of God I am sober member of the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and that I am enough and I always wanted to be enough I have a higher power who's got a dynamite sense of humor and I want to share that with you when I came to the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous I just knew that this God was going to get me and that he was very serious and that there was certainly nothing funny about God. And today I find that his sense of humor is absolutely hysterical because one of the things that I was sharing with Joni, she asked did we get moved because my husband was up here when this was going on earlier. And I said yeah, we got moved and God's got a great sense of humour. We have twice the house for half the money. I know Carol came over to our house after we had moved And she says, the whole group is feeling sorry for you. She said, I'm going to go back and tell them to quit feeling sorry for you, this house is gorgeous. And that's the way it's always been. When I think it's the worst thing, it turns out to be the best thing. But see, that's just my perception. And I'll talk a lot, I want to talk about perception as well. But my name is Polly. It's not a nickname, that' s my name. I'm not a Pauline or Paula, I' m a Polly . Now, if you're a little girl and your name is Polly, it's going to be things like Polly Wants a Cracker and Polly Wall-E Doodle all the day. And newcomer, I don't know about you, but when I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous and prior to the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous, I needed a drink a long time before I took a drink. I was really sensitive and I didn't like for people to tease me and I Didn't Like For People To Laugh At Me. But I've learned in the rooms of Alcoholix Anonymous that there's just no negatives in God's world, that it's just my perception. Everything has a positive result. And today I love having the name Polly because I can go into rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous where there are hundreds of people and when somebody says Polly, I'm pretty sure they're talking to me. There's just not very many Pollys in AlcoholicsAnonymous. I didn't know I was an alcoholic. I knew that I was a drunk and I knewthat I wasa lush. and I used to drive down the freeways in Dallas, Texas and I use to pray to God to have heart disease or cancer or something because I knew I was dying and I just wanted to die as something respectable and today I know that the disease of alcoholism is my greatest gift because if I didn't have the disease of alcoholics I wouldn't qualify for the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and everything I am or hope to be I owe to the fellowship of Alcoholic Anonymous 14 years ago I married Dave Dave's last name is Pistol. My name is now Polly Pistol Isn't that great? Isn't it great? I'm here to tell you that you cannot walk around on planet Earth with a name like Polly pistol and not learn to lighten up Absolutely fantastic I know today that I have a disease of perception. Clancy has a tape out, and it's called Alcoholism, a Disease of Perception. And it's the tape that I've learned the most from. Because you see, I don't perceive things the way they really are. I need to keep coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous because I need you to keep me in touch with reality. Because without you, I don't have a clue what reality is. There's a guy around San Diego, and I'm sure all of you have heard him, he's called Ken D. And Ken talks a lot about denial and delusion. And he says, denial is not in the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. The word delusion is. Because you see, the word denial means it's to know something and do it anyway. Delusion is not to have a clear idea of what the truth is. It's to have no clue what the true truth is that I live in today. delusion. I don't have a clue what the truth is. And I believe what Chuck Chamberlain said when he said that every single person is doing the best they can. If I knew better, I'd do better. And that's why I love the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous when people love me enough to get in my face and tell me the truth whether I want to hear it or not. Because what happens is, if I knew better, I'd do better. And my disease of perception, my perception of reality is distorted. You take a set of information, you put it in my head, it takes a walk around and what comes out doesn't even resemble what went in. And that's the kind of head I have. I can still hear my mother saying, where did you ever get that idea? And I would have sworn someone told it to me, but that's my head. I do not perceive reality the way it is. And I'm so grateful to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous because if I keep suiting up and showing up for meetings of Alcoholic Anonymous, I can count on you to keep me in touch with reality. I am also living, breathing proof that you can come to the program of Alcoholics Anonymous and not come from alcoholic parents. I know that a lot of us do. I just don't happen to. I love when I came to these rooms because people started to tell me, identify with the feelings. Because, you see, the things that make you and I different are what we did when we were drinking. Both the thingsthat make us alike is how we felt about what wedid when wewere drinking. So it's the feelings. You know, you may have died in a jail cell in county jail. I died on my sofa on my living room. I am not a go-have-fun drunk. I was not a party girl. And these are the things that make us different. But the dying is the same. The rebirth is the steps. I began to identify, as you guys would talk about your alcoholic moms and your alcoholic dads And I realized that the only difference between me and my dad was my dad just forgot to take a drink You see, my father was a man who was full of rage And he was powerless over that rage And today I know how he felt because what happened for me is I would look at him and I would say, I'd never be like you. But the irony of it was I became just as rageful as he did. And you see, my father didn't take a drink. And my mother, I thought she was such a wimp. You don't stand up for yourself. How can you let him run over you like that? And all these things. And the irony was I become just like my mother. And I came to the program at Alcoholics Anonymous, the worst of both my parents. I truly believe that this is a disease of negativity because, you see, I really didn't see the good until I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. But I can guarantee you I remembered the bad and everything that was negative. And I was one of these people that came into The Rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous an angry wimp. I was full of rage, but I couldn't stand up for myself. And there's a psychologist that talks on the radio and I'd drive around, I have a long commute to work and I listen to talk radio and I love what she says and believe me, I know this is not Psychologist Anonymous for one thing, I'm not into a lot of that anyway but I like to listen because I think behavior is a big part of who we are and she says that we get to act out our parents' pathology so that we can forgive them and I got to do everything I swore I'd never do and what that has done is that it's helped me to forgive my parents and in doing that I've been able to forgive myself and indoing that I have been able to forgive you and I know that it is divine to be able to forgive to forgive is divine and I'm and I know that the only way I can ever get to a state of forgiveness is through the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and the magic steps the action steps, steps four to nine, give me the tools and the guidelines to reach a state of forgiveness. And for that I'm so grateful because I know today if I am not, if I'm holding a resentment and I am NOT in a state of forgiveness, I am the person whose guts are eaten up, not the person I haven't forgiven. And I'm SO grateful today that I know that. at any rate today I can see what my parents tried to give to me and I'm so grateful to a program called Alcoholics Anonymous and just to give a small example of that here's my mother who I thought was a wimp my father died at a very he was only 60 years old when he died and he didn't leave my mother with a lot of money my mother is 76 years old today and she works full-time. She supports herself through her own contribution, and I can assure you that a 76-year-old woman who supports herself, who is self-supporting through her on contribution is not a wimp. I don't believe wimps do that. My perception of reality is distorted. I also know that I have a disease and it's spiritual in nature the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that I am suffering from a spiritual malady the big books of Alcoholic Anonymous tells me I am cut off from the sunshine of the spirit and today thanks to 12 steps a loving God and a lot of service I feel like that I'm healing from a state of hopelessness of mind and body. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous says that the disease of alcoholism is hopeless of mind and body, but with the 12 steps of Alcoholic Anonymous I can heal from a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body and for that I am so grateful. I'm going to rush right on through I ended up marrying an Air Force officer and I took a drink of alcohol. And I'm here to tell you I don't remember the first drink I took. It was like not that big a deal. The disease of alcoholism for me was cunning, baffling, and powerful. Now my husband tells an entirely different story. He talks about taking a drink of alcohol, he remembers the very first drink he took and he chased that feeling until the days he walked into the room of Alcoholics Anonymous. That was not my case. There's a sign that hangs in the Alano Club in Salt Lake City, Utah. And that sign describes my alcoholism. And it says the chains of alcoholism were too soft to be felt until they were too strong to be broken. I didn't even know I had the disease until I couldn't stop the disease. And when I walked into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous, I did not know an alcoholic. I had never, ever seen, met, or been around an alcoholic. I did not know what the disease of alcoholism was. So I'm here to tell you that you can catch the disease without it being given to you through your mother or your father or whoever. But it can also be gotten that way. I have a son who's 10 years sober in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. us. But it's an equal opportunity disease, and that I know today. I am not a person who has suffered child abuse, even though I know that people have had that. I'm an only child, and I was so loved by my parents. But when you're cut off from the sunshine of the spirit, you can't feel love. And the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous talks about that. It says nothing is enough. You cannot love us enough. You cannot give us enough There's a guy that I know, Milt and he's moved to Vancouver, Washington now and he used to say there is no way that you can love an alcoholic enough There's just no way to do it And then he also says you can't kill us We just drive other people crazy You know, that's who we are And I'm really grateful today to be able to step up off my little pity pot and realize that today that I am responsible and I am accountable for my feelings and actions, past and present. And I'm so grateful to a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. The big book of AlcoholicsAnonymous says most of my problems are of my own making. And today, I truly understand that. In Step 10 in the 12 and 12, it says It is a spiritual axiom. When anything disturbs me, no matter what the cause, it is always me. And I'm really grateful today to know that I am the problem, that nobody outside of me is the problem. And by knowing that I Am The Problem, I have the solution because, you see, I Have A Plan Of Action and I Have a Design For Living. And I am so grateful. I entered the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous through a treatment center The first time it was a county detox, and I'll assure you it was not a fancy jitter joint. I ended up not being able to stay sober. I went back out and drank again. And I got, I was 12 steps and brought back into that jitter join. And I knew what the problem was. The problem was sobriety. And you see, I have just defined the disease of alcoholism. Because if the diseaseof alcoholism had anything to do with alcohol, than detox centers would send out well people. I almost wrecked my car the first time I heard Clancy's tape when he said the disease of alcoholism has nothing to do with alcohol. If alcohol were the problem, I wouldn't need to still come to these meetings. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me that the disease rests in the mind. I need to keep suiting up and showing up to meetings of Alcoholic Anonymous because I must treat the mind. And there are many people, we were talking about that tonight, because Carol's brother quit drinking after drinking for a long time. There are problem drinkers and there are heavy drinkers and there aren't alcoholics. And of those of us who are alcoholics, when I stop drinking, that's just getting rid of the symptom. The big book of Alcoholics Anonymous is very clear. It says that alcohol is but a symptom. We have to get down to the causes and conditions. I have a disease that rests in the mind, and I have to keep coming to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I need to keep working the steps of Alcoholic Anonymous. I keep needing to apply the 12 traditions in my life because if I don't, I don' t treat the disease that rest in the mine, and if I do' n't treat the desease that rest en the mine I will pick up with the symptoms because I must have relief. I cannot live sober inside my own skin without the program of Alcoholics Anonymous or alcohol and drugs. Without those, I cannot life sober. I cannot lift comfortably in my own scan. But as long as I keep suiting up and showing up to meetings of Alcoholic Anonymous one day at a time, it has not been necessary for me to pick up a drink or a drug. I also believe what the big book of Alcoholix Anonymous says. I've heard a lot of people talk in rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm here to tell you I don't believe this either. And they say, well, you come to a lot of meetings of Alcoholic Anonymous and you put insurance policies in the bank so that when you have a problem, you know, you can handle it. Well, that's not what my big book says. I don' t know what your big book says, but my big book says that I am given a daily reprieve contingent on my spiritual condition for that day. Now, I got sober in Texas with a bunch of old rednecks, and what they said is you cannot live today's sobriety on yesterday's recovery, that I need to live todays recovery on today's sobriety, on todays recovery, and I'm really grateful for that. I'm grateful that I knew that. I'm grateful that I have never been deluded into thinking that I could do, I could live on yesterday's sobriety. I know that if I do today, tomorrow what I did today, then I will be sober if I take the same action. I came into this program, I was court committed to a treatment center in Dallas, Texas because what happened is is I tried to overdose on alcohol and drugs because, you see, I knew that I could not live sober inside my own skin. The state of Texas in 1977 did not take kindly to people trying to commit suicide, and I was court-committed to treatment. And I was taken to a very fancy jitter joint in Dallas, Texas. And on April the 11th of 1977, I had my last drink. I have tried to fulfill the conditions of this program To the very best of my ability Some days I do pretty good And some days I don't do very good But there's one thing that I've always done And that's that I try to follow direction And some day the very beest I can do is just be sober And then there are the days When I can give to this program Everything that has been given to me And if you go to meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and you don't like the meeting that you're in, it's probably because you're not looking at what you can give to the meeting. You're probably there to see what you kan take from the meeting and I was told that there's never any bad meetings if I go with the idea of what can I give to this meeting and today I know that it's of service. When all else fails and Bill talks about it in Bill's last letter, he talks about in the big book of Alcoholic Anonymous He says, when all else fails, go find an alcoholic to work with. And I know today, on my very worst days, but I think things could just not get any worse if I'll just pick up the phone and talk to another alcoholic and see if I can be useful for that day. Because I know Today, thanks to a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, I am useful, and I always just wanted to be useful. I married another alcoholic and we've been married for 14 years and I have been married to my ex-husband for 22 years and I came into the program of Alcoholics Anonymous Married and he and I just grew apart because he just didn't find in the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous he's not an alcoholic what I found and I'm married to another member of this fellowship and I am here to tell you I have a treasure It's the most wonderful gift that I can possibly tell you. Dave and I love each other, and we have learned about love in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous because Dave andI had not a clue how to love eachother. We both knew how to take a hostage, but we did not know how to have a relationship. There's 12 traditions right here, And in those 12 traditions, I have learned to have a relationship with a husband and with another human being. And what a concept, because we read that the 12 traditions are to the group as the steps are to the individual. And the 12 Traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous teach me how to have a relationship With Another Person. And I am so grateful today that I have been able to have a relationship with this man for 14 years. And I can tell you what happens one day at a time is that I love Dave more today than I did the day I married him. And what happens is we have learned to walk through life together because, you see, life hasn't dumped on me. Life is just life. But somehow I had this delusional thinking that I am not supposed to have any pain and that life is supposed to be some kind of bed of roses or something. Life is life. Whether you're alcoholic or not, it's life. What the program at Alcoholics Anonymous has given to me, it has given me a set of tools and a plan of action so that I can live life on life's terms and I never ever could do that prior to coming to this program. This program has helped me walk through things that I never, ever thought I could walk through. I have a son who is soon to be 11 years sober. The program of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I had to watch his son die behind this disease. And I'm so grateful for the program of alcoholics anonymous because I used to go into meetings whining. If you haven't got the idea, I'm a big whiner. And some days it's better than others, and some days I whine less than others. And I used to go into meetings whining, and people would say, Polly, you just suit up and show up because you may be the only big book James ever reads. And if you walk out of these rooms tonight, and as a member of the program at Alcoholics Anonymous, if you don't think you make a difference, my friend, please think again. Because to be sober is a responsibility. Being sober in the program of Alcoholics Anonymous is a responsibility. To stand up here behind a podium in the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous is a responsibilities. The ability to sit in a meeting of Alcoholix Anonymous and share my experience, strength, and hope. And if I need to do any vomiting, I don't need to it in a meetin, I need it with a sponsor. The meetings are where I find the solution. I go to my sponsors with the vomiting. and I learned that in Rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm here to share my experience, strength, and hope. My job in the Rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous is to tell you that it works and I am so grateful that I was given that kind of instruction. This is a solution to a seemingly hopeless state of mind and body and I'm glad that I have a solution and I do not take that lightly. It is a responsibility that when I get out on an L.A. freeway that I'm not flipping people off because somebody may know I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and I consider that a responsibility. My son today is married to another alcoholic. He is the father of that little baby I was telling you about that I lovingly call The Critter and he and his wife are members in good standing of the North Shore Alano Group in Evanston, Illinois. My oldest son, I've had a thousand deaths because my son tried to take his life six times. So I'm here to tell you that the disease of alcoholism is a family disease and that people die from the diseaseof alcoholism and they never take a drink. I know that there are people who are infected with the disease of alcoholism and there are people that are affected by the disease of alcohol and today I am aware that I have caused because of a disease called alcoholism havoc in my home it has been thanks to this program that I had been able to tell my children that I was a child abuser and I have been able to let them know how sorry I am for the way I treated them when they were children And it's because of a program called Alcoholics Anonymous that you gave me that courage to be able to sit and let my children know that what you heard, you're not crazy. I said it. The program at AlcoholicsAnonymous has been able to help me walk through things that I thought I would never be ableと walk through. And I have been able tо tell my children, All your problems have my name on them. But all your solutions have yours. There is absolutely nothing I can do to make your life better. You are the one that holds the key to your life. And I thought I would die behind my son's suicide attempts. And you see, Russ didn't drink alcohol. And he didn't smoke funny cigarettes. And he did not take drugs. When the student's ready, the teacher will appear. You see, somehow or another, I thought I had some kind of power over my children. And that's what I thought. But the truth was is that my God just wasn't big enough. I was speaking out of town and my daughter-in-law called me on the phone and she told me that my son was in the hospital one more time. He'd put a pair of scissors in his stomach and I was devastated. And after I got through talking, I was really torn down that morning. And this man came up to me and he said, young lady, you and I need to get into the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And we need to read the chapter to the agnostic. And you need to know that God either is or He isn't. He is either all things or He's nothing. And that Russ is God's kid. And what God does with His kids is none of your business. And by God's grace and a program called Alcoholics Anonymous, I was able to release my son. And on most days when God and I are in alignment, I have a big enough God. And on the days when I try to run the show, I don't have a good enough God, and my problems monumental but when I can surrender and know that I'm God's kid and that God takes care of his kids I'm okay you know I always hated being an only child I was real embarrassed by it you know what they say about only children you're spoiled and all the stuff they say well I'm here to tell you tonight that God is my understanding, loves me as if I were his only child. And he loves each and every one of his kids as if they were his own children. If you'd have told me to make a list of all the things that I wanted in sobriety, I'd have never had the nerve to ask God to give me the things he's given me. I'd never had to nerve to give me a husband like Dave, friends like you, I never had the nerve. But then you see the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous tells me, left to me, I would have settled for so much less. The big book of Alcoholic Anonymous says, left my own devices, I will self-destruct. You see, the best I could do for me is to get me pronounced dead on arrival. But thanks to a program called AlcoholicsAnonymous, you have breathed life into me. And Tonight, I am all the things I ever wanted to be. I am the woman I have always wanted to Be. I am self-supporting through my own contribution. And you see, I was a woman who always needed to be taken care of. And for over a year, I Was the primary breadwinner in my family. And I was able to be a partner with my husband. And I got to learn some responsibility. and I got to learn so many things that I never, ever learned before. Today I know about commitment. If Joni calls me, I don't even know how long ago it was, but you put it on your calendar and I don' t have to think what I'm going to do on Saturday, November the 12th because I'm not going to go up and be in a meeting in San Diego because you taught me about commitment and you taught me to show up and I'm really grateful for that and you talked me how to be a friend today I know how to be a brand and I know that love is action and if you love someone you treat them like you love them and today I love you and I treat you like I love you but the place where I had the hardest time was at the place of being a mom I felt such a total failure as a mom because my children have been devastated by a disease called alcoholism. But I have received a gift that is beyond my greatest expectation, and my son said to me, both of my boys, Mom, you are the mom we always wanted you to be. And my life today is everything I ever dreamed possible, and it's all because of a program called Alcoholics Anonymous. When I was in center hospital, one of the counselors used to start every day with a prayer. And I, in my AA, talked with it because it's what this fellowship means to me. I saw my God, my God I could not see. I saw My Soul, My Soul eluded me. I sought My Brother and I found all three. Thank you. Thank you.