Step 10 and the 19-Year Habit of Planning What to Say – John

um that's one of my favorite passages in the big book i was talking to somebody today and i said um if anybody would have called me an alcoholic when i was out there drunk they'd probably had to fight i wanted to be anything other than an alcoholic you could have called me a drunk a drug addict but not an alcoholic see i grew up in a and i thought i had the perfect picture of an alcoholic. It was a guy up under a tree drinking white wine and that wasn't me but in the end that was me and it got real bad. I'm sitting here nervous and I don't know why but every time before I speak I get this really nervous feeling over me and I was talking to one of my mentors and he said John if you don't feel nervous then you're just full of self and God can't do nothing with that. I read I was reading my morning meditation one time and I read the Daily Bread every morning. That's what I choose to read. That is the literature I read every morning and in my Daily Bread it was talking about two guys and these two guys they asked them to speak and one of the guys was a really good speaker and the other guy was a very shy guy and they let the guy that could speak good go first and he gave a really good talk and they gave him a standing ovation. Then it came time for the shy guy to speak. And he said, it's time for you to speak, he said. I'm not going out there. And they sneaked up behind him and they pushed him out there and he said do y'all know what I'm going to say? And they said yes. He said well good then I don't need to say it and he took off. And they got him and they push him out again and he says do yall know want I'm gonna say? And they say no. He said then you don't even need to know and he take off again. And the crowd got together. One half of the room said, we'll say yes. And the other half of them said, well, we will say no. And so they got him back out there and he said, do you all know what I'm going to say? And one half of him said, yes. And the another half said, no. He said, for those that know, tell the ones that don't know. And he took off again. And I said, man, that's a lot like Alcoholics Anonymous. For the ones who know, carry the message to the ones that don t know. when I first my first sponsor was a taper and I used to go to a lot of conventions with him and I would hear guys speak and you know speaker meetings have always been my favorite. I guess it's because of the way I came into Alcoholic Anonymous and the reason why I love a speaker meeting is because I'm not sitting there thinking about what I'm going to say and you know what? I've been sober 19 years and I still find myself doing that in an open discussion meeting, thinking about what I'm going to say and not hearing what the other person is talking about. But in a speaker meeting, my mind gets the rest, and I can receive. And that's why, you know, going to speaker meetings, I got to hear a lot of good speakers. And there was this one guy from Las Vegas, and he was telling this story about some rats. And he said that these scientists got together and they was going to do a study on these rats that they was going to hook electrodes up to the pleasure center of the rat's brain to get high spot. And so they put the rat in a cage and there was a pedal in the cage and they hooked the wires up to the rat brain and the rat went over and hit the pedal and he realized that he can get the juice, he could get fired up, so the rat laid on the pedal. And they thought, well, we'll put Miss Rat in there. He'll probably stop for her and I'm quite sure she was pretty. and he looked at her like she didn't even exist and they said well he's got to be thirsty by now he's gotta be dehydrated we'll put some water in there and he wouldn't even stop to drink and they gave him some cheese and it was probably gourmet cheese and the rat wouldn't ever stop to eat the rat laid on the pedal until he died and then they said we'll do it again but right before he died we'll cut the juice off so they put the electrodes up to another rat put him in the cage he realized he could get the juice laid on the pedal just like the other one put Ms. Rat in there she didn't exist gave him some water wouldn't stop to drink gave him cheese he wouldn't start to eat and he went over to hit the pedal and they had cut the juice off then he hit the peddle again and nothing happened he hit a pedal again and nothing happen then he went to the corner of the cage and he balled up in a fetal position to die. And this is probably what that rat thought. Without the juice, what's the use? And I'm sitting on the front row and I'm hearing this story and I think to myself, I'm thinking in my mind, I'm that rat. Because April 18th of 1998, I was laying in Brevard County Jail in a feeder position wishing that the end would come kind of like in a vision for you. I had realized that I couldn't live with it and I couldn'T live without it. And I just wanted the end to come. I used to go to my sponsor house a lot when I first got sober. And one evening, I was to his house. I'm on these animal stories. One evening, I was at his house, right? And we were looking at the Discovery Channel. No, we were watching TV. We were looking at the news. And there was some of y'all probably know where VR Florida is. It's over by Coco. And they had gave a guy a tiger to deliver to Vieira Zoo. And on the way there, the guy's hand had got chewed off almost by the tiger. Now I'm quite sure they don't give you a tiger without a set of instructions. And one of the instructions probably go like, keep your hand clear of the cage. But on theway to the zoo, the guy consumed alcohol, right? And he stuck his hand in that tiger's mouth. and I'm looking at that and I am saying I am that guy how many times have I had my hand in the tiger's mouth you know I like to watch the discovery channel and one evening I was looking at the discovery channel and there were some gazelles standing around and there was an old lion laying back in the bush and he was watching them and right about dark they began to get in a circle and the circle got kind of tight and when that happened the lion struck and he got one of the ones that was hanging around the edge and I'm thinking that look a lot like Alcoholic Anonymous because when this disease strikes you always get the guy that's hanging around I don't never see it get the guy that is taking meetings in the jail and prison I don' see it getting the guy who is sponsoring other guys I don''t see it standing to the door greeting the newcomer I mostly see it get the guys that are angry in every meeting, complaining about how the meeting's going, and just stop going to meetings. My sobriety date is April the 18th of 1998. I'm a member of the Central Group of Orlando. If you're ever in Orlando and you want to have a good meeting with some real alcoholics, we sit right off of I-4 on Colonial at the corner of Colonial and Broadway. And when I first got out of prison, I hadn't connected back with them. Y'all are going to hear me talk about prison quite a bit tonight. And it was because I went to prison a lot. I was kind of like doing life on an installment plan. And I had just got out of prison, and I hadn't connected back with my family. And I told my sponsor, it's Christmas time. I don't know what I'm going to do. I haven't connected by the way. I haven' connected with my wife and my family yet. He said, John, we can go down to Central. You got plenty of family down there. And so we went to Central, and we got there about 10 o'clock that morning. Jim was in the home group down there with me. I met Jim when I first came out of prison. And we got to Central about 10 O'Clock that morning, and they had a meeting going, and I'm sitting there about 11 O'clock. I could smell the aroma from that food, andI'm saying, Man, are they going to ever end this meeting? So about 12 O'Cluck, the meeting came to an end, And we all went in the kitchen and in the dining room, and we began to fix plates. And man, I fixed me a nice plate. I had me some ham and macaroni cheese and turkey. See, that was an upgrade in my eating. They don't feed you like that in DOC. And I turned to my sponsor, and I said, well, who do I pay for this? He said, John, you don't pay for these. This is for free. See,that was new to me because where I had just came from, everything had a price tag on it. And this is the way my sponsor would introduce me to people. He would say, meet John. He one of them bad kind of alcoholics. And I said, man, this guy going to have everybody thinking I'm the worst guy in the world. And then I heard some of y'all's stories and I said now these are some bad alcoholics I'm an alcoholic of a hopeless variety The reason why I say I'm alcoholic of a hopeless varity, my family told me so My friends told me so. Brevard County Sheriff's Department told me so. Even the Department of Corrections was against me. The statistics say that 90% of the men get out of prison return within the first year. But since I've been in the program of Alcoholic Anonymous, I haven't had the obsession to commit the type of crimes that land me in prison. It's been 19 years since I had to jump a fence. And when I see a police officer now, I don't see him as a bad guy. I see him as an outstanding citizen doing a fine job to keep us safe in society. Being an alcoholic of a hopeless variety, you have some pretty hopeless things to happen to you. I still had an automobile, but I didn't have any driver's license. And I stayed about six blocks from the store. And I said, there ain't no way the police going to get me before I can get to that store and get back. So I got in the car, and I must have got about two blocks, and the blue lights came on. And I knew my brother's date of birth and social security number. So he came and tapped on the window. He said, can I see your driver's license? I said I don't have one. He said do you have an ID? I said no sir. He said what's your date ofbirth and social safety number? So I instantly became Lars Salahana. I gave him my brother's date of birth and social security number, and he went back to his car, and he ran my brother named. He came back, and you tapped on the window, and I said, yes, sir. He said, Mr. Hunter, can you step out the car? And when I stepped out the card, he began to put handcuffs on me. And I said what are you doing? He said you're $18,000 behind in child support. I want to talk to y'all a little bit about my childhood and my past and I'm not gonna stand at this podium and tell you that my childhood in my past made me an alcoholic usually have to drink a little whiskey to become an alcoholic but when I got the whiskey it sure did help me with my childhood and my past. I was born in a little town called Statesboro, Georgia. My father was a shell cropper. My mother was a Southern Baptist. My mother taught me everything any good mother would teach her child. My mom made me go to Sunday school on Sunday mornings. She made me to church. My mom make me go the Bible study during the week. She even sat me down and taught me the golden rules. She told me, baby, if you're going to make it in this world, you're gonna have to learn to do unto others as you would have them do unto you. But about the age of nine, my mom passed away. And when my mom past away, all that passed away, my father was a chronic alcoholic. There was times I went to school on a wet cold ground with holes in the bottom of my shoes. There was time that I went school and my clothes wasn't real good and kids made fun of me there were times I went to bed hungry there was there was times when my dad didn't come home and I had to stay in the house all alone I had older sisters and brothers and I just knew if I made it to their house everything would be all right and they would say stuff to put me down I used to even try to do stuff to get the teacher's approval and that didn't even work I can remember sitting in my house and I could hear my father come up in his car, and I always had a decision to make. Was I going to leave him out there or was I going go out and help him? I knew that he would be drunk, and my decision was this, that I was going to help my father no matter what, and i would go out to help my father and I will hear the other kids say look at john he got to drag his drunk dad in the house again and I felt that those kids were better than me because I never seen them drag their father. I can remember the times looking out my bedroom window and kids would be out in the yard playing football or wrestling around with their fathers. And I would instantly blame God. And i would say what kind of God would take a nine-year-old boy's mother? But standing at this podium tonight, I have to let God off the hook because God left me with a father that wasn't willing to step up to the plate. I got about the age of 14, I got interested in girls. What do you do you get interested in girls, you start going to the little teen centers. And I said, man, I'm going to the teen center tonight and I'm gonna dance with me some of these girls. I'm gonna have a good time. So off to the teen Center. I went that Saturday night and I got in the teen centre and I just couldn't build it up in me to dance with one of those girls to save my life, man. I opened the door at that teen center and I could smell the perfume. Man, I meant they smelled good and I looked in there and they was looking good, but I couldn't bill up in mean to dance with him and I was standing there and I remember thinking maybe the next song. And then I looked out on the dance floor and there was a guy out there with a pair of Chuck Taylors and Levi's on. How many of y'all know about Chuck Taylores and Levi? That's old school. And man, it seemed like that guy had all the right moves and he had a circle of girls around him. And I said, that's what it is. It's in the Chuck Taylor's and Levi. So I went and I worked and saved my money and back off to the dance with the Chuck Taylor's and Levis. How many of you all know I was a guys standing up against the wall with a have Chuck Taylors and Levi's on. See, there was something on the inside of me that would not allow me to respond to things on the outside. And my father said, you need to go spend some time with your aunt and uncle this summer. And he sent me up to Georgia, and I had two cousins a little older than me. And one Saturday night, they said, man, you want to go to the dance with us? And I said, yeah, man. I want to do the dance. And they said well, come on. And on the way to the dance they stopped at this little house in the country and an elderly man came to the door and they asked him will he sell them a pint of moonshine. And he went back in the house and he came back with a pintof moonshines and an MD 2020 ball. If any of y'all know about bootlegging you know that combination. So when we got in the truck one of the brothers took a drink and passed it to me I said I don't want that and he gave it to the other brother. When we got to the dance the other brother took a drink, and he passed it to me. I said, man, I don't want that. He said, man, take a drink of this. It'll make you feel good. Man, that took me a big swallow. I can remember it just like it was yesterday. Dr. Silkworth said, you shall remember. Guess what? I love carrot cake, but I don' t remember my first slice. There was a warm, burning feeling that went down on the inside of me, and when it hit the pits of my stomach, it felt like my stomach began to expand. It felt like my head exploded. Felt like I was 10 feet tall, bulletproof and instantly good looking. Remember when I said I was shy about dancing with girls? I danced with all of them that night. That night I had it going on. See, alcohol allowed me to visit from a place from which I had never been able to visit before. For many, many years, alcohol wasn't my problem. Alcohol was my answer and then my answer turned on me and I didn't get another answer until I made it here to the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous I got back home that summer my friends had been doing a little drinking too and so we used to get together and put our money together and we would buy alcohol and some other little things now I may say something about drugs a time or two in my talk please don't judge me and say I need to be an N.A I'm an alcoholic and I'm at home right now if you put pile of crack on this podium, I'll call the police on you. You give me a drink of whiskey and I'll fight you about it all night. When I drank alcohol, I become open to a lot of things. And I used to wear a leather jacket, and I could put three fields of MD-2020 in back of that jacket and you'll never know it so instantly I began to steal for alcohol. How many of y'all know you can't stay in school long drinking MD-2020? It wasn't long before I was expelled and my father and sister said you need to go to job courts and I agreed and I went to job course and I've done good in job courts for about two weeks and they let me go on something called a liberty trip. And I went on the liberty trip, and there was a guy on the bus, and he said, John, this bus will ride a half a gallon of liquor. And I said, stop playing. He said, you know I don't play. When we got to Knoxville, Tennessee, we went and got a half-a-gallon of Bacardi rum, and there were two people in the bus and there wasn't a tire flipped up under that bus. And we put that half-an-gallen of rum in that tire and we got back to the Job Corps Center. That rum was still there. You can't stay in Job Corps long drinking rum either. So it wasn't long before they sent me back home. But on the way home, I made my mind up that I was going to live the way I wanted to live. See, I wasn't afraid of my father anymore. I wasn'T afraid of MY sisters and brothers anymore. Alcohol had gave me all the courage I needed, and I felt like I was ready for the world. When I got home,I began to hang with the drug dealers. I began to sell a little drugs. I was able to buy a few toys. I was ableto dress the way l wanted to dress. Most of all, I was able to drink the way I wanted to drink Tom Carley, Scotch Carley Hennessy, Ballantyne See my story is different from a lot of people's stories I hear a lot Of people say alcohol quit working for them Alcohol never quit working For me My first drink was just like my last one Alcohol did what it was supposed to do I just got tired of the consequences Somewhere in life I crossed an invisible line A place of no return The police began to get mad with me. They would put me in jail for periods of time, and I would be in jail, and my head would begin to clear up, and I Would say to myself, When I get home, it's going to be different this time. I'm going to get me a job. I'm Going to go back to school, get me some type of education. I'm Going to do the right thing. And the day would come they would let me out of jail, and I'd get on that bus, and I get by the mile from that bus stop, and the disease would begin to speak to me. And it always sounded like this. It's been a long time since you had a beer. One won't hurt. And I'd get off that bus with the mindset of having one beer, and I'd be off and running until the next time. There were times they would put me in prison for periods of time. And, I would be in prison, and I would write my family, and I always found religion when I went to prison. And ,I would write my family and tell them I'm a man now that walks after the things of God. And when When I get out, I'm going to do the right thing. And my family would believe me and they would send me money to help me while I was in prison. And you know what? I believed me. If they'd have gave me a lie detector test, I would've passed because I meant business. But the only thing that went wrong is when they released me out of prison, they also released the disease of alcoholism. And it would be two weeks sometime before my family will see me. And they say, you know, what? You're the biggest liar we know. what my family didn't know that I was doing the best that the disease of alcoholism would allow me to do. There were times when my appearance began to fail and my family would come on the street corner and they would ride up and sometimes they would have tears in their eyes and they said, why don't you just come go home with us? Give yourself a break. If it ain't but for one day, come give yourself a brake. And I think to myself, I can't keep hurting them like this. And, I'd get in the car and I'd look in that rear view mirror in their faces and I could see all that shame and pain in their cases. And I'd say to myself, I can't keep doing this. And they'd take me and they'd stop somewhere by a department store and buy me some clothes or something like that. And they would take me to their home and allow me to have a warm shower, give me a hot meal, a clean bed to sleep in. And I walk around and I look at them and I say, I can't just keep hurting them like this. And I do that for about two or three days and my mind will begin to scream. And I needed a drink. I didn't say I wanted a drink, I needed to drink. Somebody in here know what I'm talking about. I needed the quiet my mind down and I would go up to the corner store with the mindset I'm going to go up here and get me a tall boy and I'm gonna drink it and go by it with my family and I will drink that tall boy and I'd be off and running until the next time. I met a young lady in Melbourne and she told me, she said you know it's Melbourne got you drinking and drugging the way you're drinking and druggin why don't you move to Atlanta with me and I said I agree with her and she called her mother and her mother got us an apartment in Atlanta we moved up to Atlanta her stepfather helped me get a job Her mother helped her get a job. And, man, I'm thinking it's new beginnings. How many of y'all know they sell whiskey in Atlanta too? The geographic cure don't work. It wasn't long before I had destroyed everything those people tried to do for me. When I was in Atlanta, I started working at a store called Video Ingram. And I was over at Video Ingrim and I met a guy and me and him became really good friends. And he told me he had a toy poodle. and the toy poodle was bad about chewing on the electrical cords and one night he forgot to unplug a lamp wire and he said you can hear that poodle holler all over that house I said yeah he said John when I go home now I wave that wire at that dog I said well what do we do he said he hollered all over again guess what that poole never had the obsession to chew another electrical cord but you take me Alcohol can beat me down one side, tear me down the other side, put me deeper in prison than I've ever been. Put more space between me and my family than it's ever been, and the day they let me out, you wave a ball at me, I'll do it again. I have no defense against the first drink. There was times my sister used to come on the street corner, and she had an insurance policy. And she told me, I need you to sign this insurance policy because the way you're out here living, I'm going to need something to bury you with. And what she heard about was that guys would be making drug deals when people pull up in the car selling them drugs. And if I didn't have any money, I'd run up there and I'd snatch the customer's money or snatch their jewelry and run with it. And sometimes I used to go in the corner and they said, man, give him something to get him off the corner of eBay for business. Now, you're in a world of trouble when drug dealers don't want you around. I can remember when it was getting to the end. I'd be walking late at night sometimes feeling all that shame, guilt, and pain. And sometimes I'd have a pocket full of money, a bottle of booze, and some of the other things I liked to go along with the booze. And I remember I began to pray. And I said to God, if I'm going to ever change, you are going to have to help me change. And I prayed that prayer for about two weeks and my house was surrounded by Brevard County Sheriff's Department. So be careful what you pray for because that morning I met a power greater than myself. And they pulled me out of my family house and my family was standing there. And you can see all that shame and pain on their faces. It was about 8 o'clock in the morning and all the neighbors was out in the yard. And I was in the back of that police car and I was trying to tell my family that I love them. See, April the 18th, I thought that that was the end for me. I had no idea that it was the beginning of a brand-new life. They took me to jail, and I stayed in jail for about 60 days. And a public defender came to see me. And he said, Mr. Hunter, they got you to the right this time. And this is what the state attorney asked him for. He offered 30 years on each charge, running consecutive. What he wanted is 60 years. and the public defender got up to walk away and I was trying to call him and he just kind of did like this, like there ain't nothing I can do for you. About another month went by and they took me to court. I was in the holding cell and the private defender and the state attorney came out the courtroom door over to the holding cell at the same time and I'm thinking what have this public defender done? Have he turned on me? And so when the state attorney, when they got to my cell instead of the public defender bending over, The state attorney bent over, and he opened the chute. He said, Mr. Hunt, I got you to the right this time, but this is what I'm willing to do. If you plea out to 30 years, I'll run the other 30 years concurrent, and all you have to do is 30 years. And the public defender bent over to the chutes and said, I think it's a good deal, you ought to take it. And I bent overto the chuten and told him, you take it, 30 years ain't a good dea. So they took me in the courtroom, and when they tookme in the courtroom, the judge asked me, how do I plead? And I said, Your Honor, I plead to the mercy of the court. And the state attorney said, You Honor, hold on a minute. And he pulled up a television set and put a video in it. It was just as plain as you're looking at me right now. And The judge said, Mr. Hunter, with your prior record in this video, I'll probably go along with the state. And I say, Your honor, if you give me this type of time today, you're going to have to give it to me. I will not accept it from the state and he hit the table. Bam! Recess. Get him out of here. I went in the holding cell and they took me enough for about an hour. In the midst of that hour, I prayed and I asked God if I get that type of time today let it be his will. An hour went by. They took me back in the courtroom and the judge asked my public defender to approach the bench with the habitual papers and he did. He asked the state attorney to approach thebench with the habitual papers and she did. But the judge was flipping through his folder and he said, I can't find him. And my public defender said, Your Honor, would you state that a little clearer for the record? He said, I can find him, but I'm going to give Mr. Hunter every day in the Department of Correction that I could give him by law. And by law all he could give me was five years in the department of correction followed by four years probation. If the habitual papers isn't in the judge's folder 30 days prior to sentencing the man. He can't sentence him as a high-bitcher criminal. See, there's not a second guess in my mind why I'm down here in Stewart, Florida tonight. I'm here because the loving God looked down upon me and showed grace and mercy. If I'd have got what I deserve, you'd have a different speaker of you tonight. It wasn't long before they sent me to the Department of Corrections. When I was in the Department Of Corrections, I prayed the same prayer for four years and three months. I used to be out walking around the recreational yard and I used to look up at that razor wire and I would say God you didn't make me to be caged up like a wild animal and I'm not asking you to get me out of here. God what I'm asking you is that you help me to be a blessing to my family and not a hindrance when I do get out of there. I was forced into a tear program. When I was forced into the tear program that's where I was introduced to the 12 Steps of Alcoholic Anonymous. I had a counselor by the name of Mr. Elkins. One morning, Mr. Elkins called me out in group. He said, John, do you think your power is over alcohol and your life is unmanageable? And I told Mr. Elkins, I said, why are you calling me out like this? We've had plenty one-on-ones. And he said, I didn't call you out in mate. I asked you a question. And he asked me to approach his desk. And I approached Mr. Elkins' desk and he shoved a book in my hand and he said I challenge you to read this book. I went back on the compound that night during count time. I began to read the book and I must have read about two or three pages and it asked me a question. It asked me had I ever been defeated by alcohol and God gave me a moment of clarity. I can remember the times I promised my daughter I was going to take her to Disney but the night before I drank and drugged all my money up. I can Remember the times when I had an eviction notice and I had the money to pay my rent but I drank And drugged it up. I can remember the time when I used to like to fish, but due to drugs and alcohol, I didn't own a really raw tackle anymore. I can remember the times when a woman and two little kids was living with me in an apartment, and we had to find a notice on the light bill, and I was going to pay that light bill with everything in me because I didn' t want that woman and kids in the dark, but in the midst of the night, that drink thing hit me, and i just needed one to take the edge off. Y'all know the rest of the story. The woman and the little kids had to live with me on the candlelight. The next morning I went back in and Mr. Elkins looked at me and he could tell that something was wrong with me. And Mr.Elkins took me out of the main room into his office and he said, John what's wrong? And I began to cry. And I told Mr.Ellkins alcohol had became my master and I was its slave. He said,John I've been hearing it come from your mouth. He said but now I hear it coming from your heart. Now you got a place to start. And Mr. Elkins began to work the steps with me. Shortly after that, I was transferred over to a local correction institution. And there was two guys by the name of Elmer and Andy used to bring in AA meetings at that prison over there. And I'm going to tell y'all something. If there's anybody here that take meetings in the prison and jail, please don't stop. Because of two guys bringing AA meetings into a correctional facility, that's why I'm standing here tonight and um Elmer told me said John I used to tell Elmer everything about me and then Elmer said John an alcoholic of your nature if you don't plant your feet in the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous when you get out of here you will drink again and Elmer kind of scared me and I wrote the recovery house of Central Florida and I asked him I say up on release can I come there and they wrote me back and they told me yeah and so I got my I was paroled out to the recovery house in Central Florida. And when I got there about 7 o'clock that night, they told me I could make a phone call to my family. And I called my family and they said, we thought you was getting out. I said, am I? They said, where are you? I said I signed myself up in a halfway house for another year. They said you know what, you're the biggest fool we know. You've been in prison for four years and three months and now you're going to lock yourself up for another year? But what my family couldn't see, my family couldn't see my fear. It had been since the age of 14 that I was sober in society. If they'd have told me that I had to stay for two years, I would have signed on the line. I was in. I didn't want no more of what was out there. See, there's a part of me that loved that madness out there, and if I expose that part of be to that madness, I'm the type of alcoholic that'll go out there and stay. I'm he type of guy that has to do what's necessary in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous in order to maintain his sobriety. There was a guy who used to bring a big book meeting over at that recovery house. And one night, instead of doing a big book meeting, he told his story. And when he told his story, I heard my story. And I asked him, will you show me how to stay sober? He said, I can't show you how to say sober, but I can show you what they showed me. He sat me down and he talked to me about steps 1, 2, and 3. He flipped his big book over to page 98, and he said, we burned this idea into the conscience of every man, that he could get sober in spite of anyone under these conditions, that he trusts God and clean house. He said, John, I see that you trust God. Now it's time for you to clean house, he took me across the street, and he bought me a notebook tablet, and he came back, and drew some lines on that notebook tablet and in the first column, he told me he wanted me to write down the name of all the people I hate, the resentment list, and I said, man, this is some easy stuff. Don't you know I remember him? and then the next week he made it even easier in the second column he said I want you to tell me why you hate him the cause don't you know I remember what they done to John but the third week he flipped the script on me he told me he wanted me to pray for him I said what he said yeah he said John let me explain something to you this is a spiritual step I mean business here I said okay man I'll do it I'll ask God to let their kids be college graduates give them the income that they needed to support their families let their marriages be happy and some of them I couldn't pray for and I said God if you want me to love this one then you got to love him through me so that this love can be made perfect and he came back and he said John how you been doing with that praying I said I've been doing pretty good all the two people and he said, what two people is that, John? I said, a girl who shot me in my bike without hunting rifle and caused me to lose my right lung. I can't get past it, man. My father who treated me so poorly as a child, I can'T get past that. And he said, John, have a seat. And I sat down and he said John, I want you to think of three of the worst things you ever did. And I did. He said, do you think you should be forgiven? I say yes. He says, John I think you should be forgiven too. He said the reason why you did what you did were because you were spiritually sick. The reason why that girl and your father did what they did to you were because they were spiritually sick. That was good news to me that my father was spiritually sick that meant that my Father wasn't the type of man that would send me on a wet cold ground with holes in the bottom of my shoes that meant my Father wasn't the type a man that will send me to bed hungry at night. That meant that my father wasn't the type of man that would abandon me in the midst of a crisis. That meant that my father was caught in the grip of an obsession that no human power could have relieved him from. How can I hate a man like that when I became the same man? Our basic text tells us that resentment is our number one offender. We must rid ourselves of resentments or they kill us. See, resentment for me is like this. It's like me filling this can up with poison and drinking it, but waiting for you all to die. All those years I was dying on the inside and nobody knew it but me. I listened to R&B. I like to listen to gospel in R&D. One morning I was in my car and I put in one of my favorite CDs by an artist named Betty Wright. And she said, if you can receive the gift to forgive a longer and a better life you'll live no pain no gain and i said this sound like aa talk let's make sure i'm hearing this right so i rewinded and sure enough she said if you could receive the gift to forgive a longer in a better live you live and i'm thinking i'm saying what is she saying is she saying that when i forgive you i get set free see when you hate a person that's taking when you pray for a person that's giving I've never seen anybody give spiritually and not receive but but the most important thing she said there and that really stuck in my head she said if you can receive the gift what you mean I don't have the power to forgive no forgiveness don't come from me forgiveness come from God through me when I become willing to set one of his kids free I remember sitting down with my sponsor and I'm doing my fifth step I told my sponsor everything in my fifth step I didn't know if he was gonna call the police or not but you all had told me to have veggies available have measures avail us nothing and there's a lie that goes on an alcoholic anonymous and people get mad with me when I put that lying check sometime but it don't stop me from putting the line checking if If there's any newcomers here, and anybody been telling you if you put half in, you get half out, that's a lie. If you put have in, and you don't get nothing out, this is an all-or-nothing deal. I remember my sponsor asking me, he said, John, are you ready to have God remove your character defects? And I said, yeah. He said, what are they? I said huh? But him being the fine sponsor that he was, he had been jotting my character defects down. He said, you're a liar, you a thief, you are deadbeat dad. You use women for your own selfish reasons and there were some other things he said. And then he pointed at me and he said, John, I believe the dirtiest, rottenest thing you ever did. You did it to survive. And if you'll turn this stuff over to God, he'll set you free. He set me free that night because everybody else had told me that I needed to die and go to hell for my actions. You know, I mess with the old timers and basically everybody around my home group about them character defects. I ask them, I say, how you doing with your character defects? And believe it or not, they're all cured. And I'm saying, man, wow, I wish I was there. My character defects have a way of sticking up their ugly heads, but I got 12 spiritual principles to keep that cut off with. There was a little boy named Johnny. Johnny was good about fixing things and Johnny had found an old lawn mower and he had fixed it up and painted it red and that old southern baptist preacher came through there that Sunday and he said Johnny how much you want for the lawn mowrer he said twenty dollars he said will it run, he said yes sir so the preacher bent over and began to jerk the string and he stood up and looked at Johnny he said John I thought you said this thing will crank he said well but there's a trick to it, he says Johnny what's a trick. He said, you got to kick it, spit on it, and curse it. And the preacher said, Johnny, you know I don't curse. I'm a minister. I haven't cursed in so long, I probably couldn't even remember how if I wanted to. Johnny told him, if you jerk that string a few more times, it'll all come back. That's the way my character defects is. If you jerk my string hard enough, you might get a little John Hunter. I remember my sponsor sending me back and um me going over the first five proposals and I hadn't tried to mix mortar without sand and I went back to my sponsor house and I was sitting there writing my eight step list and he said John what are you doing? I said I'm writing my amend list. He said no you're not. I said what do you mean? He said do you remember when we was working the steps and I over in the fourth step I asked you what's your selfish dishonest are inconsiderate with any of those people I said yeah I remember that he said that's your fourth step list but you can add to it now if I knew that was going to be part of my fourth step list I would not have been selfish and dishonest with some of thosepeople see it's easy to make an amend to who you think you do to whoyou want to make one with but it's hard to make one to somebody that you think you don't owe nothing and I didn't think I owed my daughter's mother anything she had took my parental rights for nine years and I hated her and I wish there was more of the hate but I had told him about the things I had did to her and he said John you got to write him a letter it's a chance that your daughter read this letter and I said man I don't want to do that and he says John sit down. He said John it ain't about you anymore it's about you being a maximum service to God and others. He said, you got to do this stuff. It ain't about what they did to you anymore. It's about you getting free. And so I said, man, you're going to make me open up a can of worms. He says, John, you've got to write the letter. I said、Man, these people think I'm the worst person in the world. He say、John, just write the letter.I wrote the letter and I took the letter back to him.He said、John we got to mail this letter.And I said、「Man, you can't make me mail this letter."These people don't want to hear from me and he said John let's mail the letter I mailed the letter and about two weeks later my daughter called me and said that she wanted me to be a part of her life and that she wanted to build a new relationship what if I had not done the footwork I was going through Melbourne and um I used to steal wine at this store and I didn't even have this on my menu list I just happened to be driving through Melbourne and I seen this little story and it was an Indian guy ran this store and I said man I owe this guy to me but I was barred off the property and I say man I can't go on that property and i got about two or three blocks and it became the strongest thing on my mind and so I turned my car around and I says okay God if I'm going in here you gotta go with me and I opened the door to that store and that guy pointed at me and he said you're a different man and then he said it again with a smile on his face and I went in there and told him I done you wrong and I'm here to make it right and he said I don't worry about it and I told him I said I belong to a fellowship and one of the requirements is that I clean up the records from my past and he pointed at me again and he says if you made it right with God you've already made it right with me what a fellowship this is and um I do step 10 everyday I can't wait until I go to bed and do step ten man I have to work on step ten all day sometime I have to keep me right in front of me upon awakening I ask God to divorce me from self-pity, self-seeking and dissonant motives I pray for somebody else and not my own selfish ends I remember I told y'all that recovery house I was at I sponsor a lot of guys they're in their first year of sobriety I married a woman that lived right across the street from that recoveryhouse she owned a condo over there and this is how I met her. I was at the flea market and I was buying me a jacket and I met one of her brothers from the past and he said, I want to introduce you to my sister. He didn't know John Hunter the drunk drug addict. He remembered me from when we were kids in school and so he introduced me to his sister and I asked her for her phone number and I had been in prison for about five years and I knew her and I let her know what I had some plans for and I let her know what those plans was the first date we had and she explained to me that she wasn't that type of lady that if I wanted to know her that I had to go to church with her and I went to church with her and we've been married for 13 years and it's the first relationship I ever had that I didn't start off in the bed and it mean a lot to me the value of the relationship was greater that way. I, um, the 12 steps isn't designed to take away who we are. The 12 steps are designed to takeaway who we're not. I always knew that there was a spiritual solution, but what I didn't know about was the program of action. I remember I used to go to church and they used to have my family get me and take me to church with them. They, man, they wanted me better and um they would have something called an altar call I don't some of y'all know what that is and I'd go up there and that guy would um I would raise my hand and I wanted what that that guy signed you know what what he was saying sounded real to me and I wanted what he had to offer and I would raised my hand he would anoint me with oil and pray over me and I leave that church and I couldn't pass to ABC to save my life I'm not saying that God couldn't meet me at that altar what I'm saying is that my house wasn't in order to receive the things of God you know there's a lie that sent us to mind of every alcoholic that he could one day safely drink again and if we get away from doing the things we need to do at Alcoholic Anonymous that lie come alive I got a bad bike and some mornings I roll out of bed on my knees And I simply say God I offer Myself to thee to build with Me and do with me as thou will Relieve me of the bondage of self that I may better do thy will Take away my difficulties that victory Over them may bear witness to those That I may help of thy power thy love And thy way of life may I do thy Will always what I'm asking God is to get me out of the way so I can be A maximum service today You know, in order for me to drink today I'd have to drink off a lie I couldn't drink off the truth to save my life Now I can get good and drunk off this John, you know you're looking pretty good Your family back on your team And you work real hard You deserve a beer I might can drink a beer off that But if I say, John When you open this beer You're going to open the gates to the penitentiary You're not going to own an automobile Because you're going punt it for drugs and alcohol Your family's not going to have anything to do with you, and you're going to be put deeper in prison than you've ever been. That's the truth about a guy like me. I try to control drinking. It's that red, look, I'll drink a little white. It's dat white, I drink a lil' wine. It's zat wine, I drank a lil beer. The only way that I can have a normal life, the idea that I could safely drink has got to be smashed. I thought I was weak until I made it to the rooms of Alcoholic Anonymous and got hooked to the big book, Robert read it. Bill said most of us was unwilling to admit we were real alcoholics. And then Bill told us how we had to get this thing. He said we must concede in our innermost selves that we're alcoholics and then Bill assured us we can't drink again. He said, we're like men that have lost their legs. They don't grow new ones. Once losing the ability to control my drinking, I don't regain it. Once I found out I had alcoholism, then you all could help me. you told me that I had to admit that I was powerless over alcohol and that my life was unmanageable you told me that i had to come to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me insanity you told me that i had to make a decision to turn my life over to the will of god as i understood him you told me i had to get out of management because based on my management skill if i worked for cooperation i had been fired a long time ago you told me i had to learn to live along spiritual lines or I was going to die an alcoholic death. And that my troubles was of my own making and I had to quit playing God. That he's the principal and we're his agents. He's the father and we are his children. And you told me that that concept was the keystone to the new and triumphant arch from which I could pass through to freedom. And then you made me a promise. You told me if I would stay close to God and perform his work well, that God would take care of me. You remember my family? The family that said I was doomed, they argue about who has them coming to for holidays. You helped me remember my mother in a special way. For what my mom was trying to do for me, you took the, I know she's smiling now and I know she loves Alcoholic Anonymous too because you took the 12 steps of AlcoholicAnonymous and done for me what my mom was trying to do when she was trying to save her baby boy. These 12 spiritual principles changed my life forever. I'm going to tell you something about me. I was on a prison bus and I was facing 60 years and I was riding on that bus and this guy began to say to me, he said, is there anything I can do for you he said don't ask me to stop and let you out I can't do that and I asked him to turn the radio on and he turned the radio own and um Michael Jackson was singing that song about the man in the mirror and I've heard that song a thousand times but that evening I heard that song it's time to make a change and you know what I took a look at the man in the mirror, I had became a guy that was facing 60 years in prison. I had become a guy that had lost all parental rights to his daughter. I have became a guy that his family didn't even want around anymore. And ever since that day, I've been searching for a way. When I was in the county jail, I would begin to fight with people and they put me in confinement and I stayed in confinement for six months and a chaplain used to walk by that that whole that cell every Sunday he would push a bible up under there and I would kick that bible back and I would tell him what he needed to do with that bible and one Sunday he pushed that bible in under thereand for some reason when I opened it I openedit to the book of James and I began to cry as I can remember I wasn't happy nor was I sad but water just fell from my eyes and I began to ask God to teach me to love again. And ever since that day, I've been trying to learn how to love just a little bit more. And you know what blew me away was when I got into Alcoholics Anonymous, I was told that Dr. Bob used to read from the book of James. Isn't that something how God put things right in the right pattern? You know, I go to visit my family sometime and I catch my family watching me. And I asked them, I said, well, why are you watching me like that and they say ain't nobody watching you man I said come on tell me why are you watching me like this they said you know y'all don't know how bad I was but they do they said man how did you do it and I tell them I'm just like that old woodpecker and they said a woodpeckering I said yeah just like the old wood pecker there was a wood peckering that got up religiously every morning and went and pecked on a hardwood tree trying to get the worms and mites out one morning that woodpecking went and began to peck on that tree and a dark cloud formed over that tree and a streak of lightning came out of that cloud and it split that tree. And the woodpecker was able to eat all the worms and mites that he wanted. And then a whole flock of woodpeckers joined him and they began to eat with him. And one of the woodpeggers looked up at him and asked him, well how did you do it? He said, man I showed up and did what I was supposed to do and God did the rest. And that's my story here in Alcoholic Anonymous is that I showed up and did what I was supposed to do. And God did the rest. Thank y'all.