Step 10 and Character Defects – Workshop – Part 2 of 2 – New Freedom 12 Step Workshop

From Gray Fat Group, KCM from Bethany Lane Group, and Aaron C. from the Living in the Solution Group. Oh yeah, the steps. Thanks Dave. They will be sharing their experience with Steps 10, 11, and 12, which are 10, continue to take personal inventory, remember when you were wrong, promptly admit it. 11, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him. Praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. And 12, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we try to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs. Hi, I'm Erin. I'm an alcoholic. It's great to be here. My Friday date is October 5th, 2008, and my home group is Living in the Solution, as Ryan said. I have a sponsor. I sponsor women in recovery. Can you all hear me okay? I'm actually, I'm a loud Irish Catholic alcoholic too. So this is a really great panel you have lined up. But it's actually funny to be talking about Step 10 and hearing Dave talk about being married for 43 years, was it? So I've been married for about a year and a half. And when I heard 43, I just like kind of gasped because it seems so daunting. But the big reason that I can even have a marriage and have a shot at getting to 43 years is really because of Step 10. You know, I'm married to somebody in recovery, and I have to practice this step pretty much every day. I mean, you know,I should be taking a spot check inventory as often as possible, but I think my marriage is where it comes in handy the most because it's just so important to learn how to pick your battles and to live in harmony with others. I'm not somebody, you know, I'm not designed to live with other human beings and get along with them and be in harmony with them. You know, at my core, I am a very competitive person. I am an extremely competitive person. I'm a very stubborn person. And that's how all of my relationships were when I was drinking. It was always, how can I screw you over? How can I get what I need out of you? How can i get my needs met being totally inconsiderate of the other person? My roommate, my last year of recovery would have to walk over my passed out body on the hardwood floor to get to her room. And, you know, I was just not somebody that was really meant to live with others and couldn't play well with others. And to be able to today, you know, in recovery, largely because of this step, to constantly be able to check my motives and look at my behavior and look out for those four horsemen they talk about in the book, fear, resentment, self-pity and dishonesty. Um, and to refrain, to try to refrain from those behaviors as much as possible. And if they come up to make amends for them right away, instead of letting them fester and turn into something where I really have to do a formal eighth and ninth step, um, it's just, I mean, it's a complete transformation from the way I used to behave. And, um、 you know, what step 10 really means for me today is that I've, you know,, I've done my inventory. I've talked to my sponsor about all of these resentments and fears, and I've looked at my character defects. I've made amends for my harms. Now I get to decide how am I going to live now as a sober human? Am I goingto continue the behavior that got me here in the first place, or am Igoing to be a person that lives with consideration for others and compassion and just carries myself with dignity and grace and doesn't have to get in that position where I have to make a fourth step about my resentments. I mean, that's still going to happen, but I'm still going to get resentments, I'm Still going to have fear, but it's how do I deal with it when those come up and how do try to avoid those as much as possible? And that's really where all three of these steps, 10, 11, and 12, come into play. With Step 10, what I try to do, I didn't really do this step very formally at first, But with subsequent sponsors, I've started just doing lists like they say in the book, looking out for at the end of the day, have I been – was I fearful? Was I dishonest? Was I selfish? And for me, selfish includes self-pity because I love to get on that train every now and then. And resentment. And I look at those four things and I see if they've come up during the day and how I dealt with them and see if I need to make it right with anybody. But more importantly, besides that inventory at the end of the day, it's just constantly checking myself throughout the day to look for those things. If I'm feeling any kind of discomfort, it's probably one of those four things and what do I need to do about it. And a lot of times it's saying a prayer. A lot of time it's keeping my mouth shut, not sending an email. Most of the time it is not acting as opposed to acting. But it's just, to me, it's about constant vigilance and looking out for those things that used to completely run rampant in my life. And the way I sort of start every day is through Steps 11. And I think these Steps 10 and 11 really work in concert. When I wake up in the morning, I try to direct my attentions to what my higher power would have me be. I ask for guidance throughout the day. I asked, you know, to just show me your will, give me the right words, give me The Right Actions, and help me live the way you want me to live today. And when I can sort of set my compass in the right direction in the morning, then, you Know, there's a much lower chance that I'll have to make amends or that I'm going to have to do spot check inventories or do any of those other like foxhole prayers during the day. And sometimes I don't always remember to do that. Actually, the one thing I'm looking forward to in winter is I have to wait for my car to heat up. It's a 99 Honda. And that is the only time where I am guaranteed just quiet time in the morning because I don' t have one of those automatic car turner-ons. I don''t even know what they're called because my car is so 80s, you know, well, 90s. But, I mean, it doesn' t even have power locks. So I have to sit there and just wait for the car to heat up. And that is, like, infuriating. But what I started to do last year, because it was the first year I was working full time and having to drive every morning, you know, I'd use that time to say my 11th step prayer. I usually say the serenity prayer, the third step prayer, or the seventh step prayer and I say, God, just direct my day. And when I do that, I mean, it's really hard to have a bad day because you've at least sort of started that connection. And you might have to reset it. You might have to reboot throughout the day. But if you're pointed in the right direction, there's a good chance that at the end of the day you'll be able to look back and say, okay, this wasn't such a bad day. I didn't engage in my defects. I didn' t get angry. I didn shirk responsibility or lie. But even if those things do come up during the day through step 10, I'm able to make amends for them right away and do that spot check inventory. And as I mentioned, And, you know, I think it's really important in my marriage, of course, to be able to go to my husband and say, okay, I'm really sorry I flipped out at you about this. You know, to being able to do that, it's so freeing. I'm not somebody that likes to be wrong or apologize. But I constantly ask myself would I rather be right or would I Rather Be Free? And even when I'm Not Willing, sometimes I will look at my part and I can't see it right then. And then I just have to pray to be able to see it, and I have to pray for that pause, that space to reflect more. I mean, we had an argument a couple weeks ago, and I said, well, frankly, I don't see my part. I think you're just being sensitive. And I had to walk away from that situation, and later I reflected and said, oh, okay, I guess I can see how this would have upset you. And we kind of laughed about it, and I said however, you had an expectation of an amends. And I'm not trying to take your inventory, but we both need to get away from expecting the other person to be a great AA all of the time and do 10 steps right away. And so, you know, we were able to laugh about it. But I mean, the fact that I can have a relationship with another person, especially another Irish Catholic alcoholic, is a miracle. And, you Know, we're people that grew up in very chaotic households, as many people in this room can relate to I'm sure I mean screaming was the preferred mode of communication and I mean I still it it's really difficult still to go home to my parents house not because you know like a like I've been told before your parents push all your buttons because they program them so they know how to do that but they still communicate at very high volumes and with a lot of profanity at various times and it's really uncomfortable because that's not, that's not comfortable for me anymore. That's what I grew up with and I didn't even know until I was 25 or so that that's not how you treat people because I would just scream at my roommate and she's like, you know what? That's not really appropriate. And I'm like, oh well, you Know, my family we just scream and then we get over it. It's like come on and so now you know, that is not comfortable. That is not a spiritual way to live anymore. So it is difficult for me sometimes to go home and deal with people that still do that And they're going deaf, and it's like – you know, but it is what it is. And I have to just, you know know that my parents are doing the best they can. But, you now, it's not – so it's difficult sometimes to see people that haven't embraced this new way of life. And I really want to talk to them all about AA. And I've recommended that they go to Al-Anon. And, you Now, I just can't change them. They did the best that they could with me, and they're doing the rest they can today. I'm very grateful for, you know, for all that they've done and all of their love and support. And Lord knows I made them worry a lot. So if I have to go home and hear them scream at each other every now and then, it's not that big of a deal. But, you Know, steps 10 and 11 really work in my life every single day. I have To Practice These Steps. And, You Know, as far as 11 goes and fostering that relationship with my higher power, I'm not always good at praying in the traditional sense. and sometimes it gets to a point where it feels very ritualistic to me. And that's kind of the point I got to with my religion of upbringing is I didn't feel a connection anymore, and I felt like it was very forced. So I've learned over the past several years to find different ways to connect with my higher power, and a lot of times that's just going out on a walk, being in nature, and just appreciating all the miracles of my higher poder and understanding my relatively insignificant role in the world and just being humble and, you know, reveling in the awesomeness of nature. And that connects me with my higher power. And there was actually an episode of Modern Family on the other day where Al Bundy, I don't know his character on the show, tells his wife that he's not going to church anymore. And she's like, oh, you're going to die. That's my terrible Sofia Vergara impression. And he says, you know, I feel more connected to God in nature than in church. And I'm like, yeah, right? You know? And so, I mean, that's – I think that we all have different paths. And, you Know, I'm at a point where I can see where religious people are right and make use of what they offer. But if I'm not feeling a connection with my higher power one way, I have to be creative. And so a lot of times that's just being in nature and it's being of service. I do institution commitments working with my sponsees and I volunteer at an animal shelter I do a lot of things where I can get out of myself and that in and of itself is very spiritual and makes me feel connected to my higher power and makes be feel like I'm contributing and just that quiet time playing with cats or walking the dog at the shelter. It's just, again, it just gives me that silence, that time being away, you know, like that time in my car that I talked about. I'm not really good at doing that. I're not really good at just sitting still and letting God speak to me. And I've just had more opportunities to do that lately. And it's been really, you Know, I've had to find ways that work with my personality and with my schedule and lifestyle. But there are plenty of ways to connect with your higher power. And, you know, I've mentioned a couple. I've been doing yoga and meditating. I do acupuncture and laying on the table while the needles are in me. It's very relaxing. It sounds contradictory, but it's actually a really amazing time for me to just be silent and be with my higher power, not have my phone on me. I'm like connected to this iPhone. It's like an appendage. And, I think it's just really important to find time to be silent and let my higher power talk to me just like, you know, I find ways that I can talk to my higher power. And as far as step 11, or sorry, step 12, you know, as I said, getting out of myself and being of service is really important. And I do that in many different ways. But I think, you know, the part of this step, well, there's the one part is that it's pretty intuitive and, you know, working with other alcoholics and knowing that I have a unique mission and ability to speak to other alcoholists and relate my experience in a way that they can connect with. I mean, that's the only way. I didn't trust anybody that told me I had a drinking problem or anybody who told me i should go to AA. But when I got into the rooms and I met people who had been through what I had been through, and, you know I just, I felt at home. I felt such relief to know that there were other people that had experienced what I had experienced and had recovered. And so, you know, I have the ability to give that back. And that's my primary purpose in life. And as I talked about a couple weeks ago when I spoke at Sixth Sense, I go to Hopkins School of Public Health, and their motto is saving lives millions at a time. And I'm like, yeah, I just can't bear that burden. If I talk to one alcoholic today, it's a good day for me. And it's nice to just be brought back to that simple message and that simple purpose and know that I've been put here to reach out to other alcoholics and help them in any way I can, whether it's sponsoring, whether it'S just giving them a ride, just making them laugh, or just whatever I can do to give back to other people. And people with less time than me, sometimes people with more time than me, you know, you can just, you never know who's going to say something useful and when I can be useful. And so I just, I just try to be useful and I try to contribute and pack into the stream of life in the rooms. And then out of the rooms, I try to, you know, I volunteer as I said, but I really, I think, you know, we're steps 10 and 12 really, you know, aside from my marriage where they really come into play the most is at work where I have to practice these principles in all my affairs. I mean, that really means to me not getting competitive with my coworkers, not trying to sabotage people, and just being honest and not trying – not trying get all the glory too. I'm somebody, you know, I love this phrase. I think it's in Step 4 in the 12 and 12 where we get upset because people didn't recognize our unique talents. And I – that's how I – you know. I thought, I'm special. Like do you – I'm Erin Murphy, now Erin Murphy Colligan. But do you know – like do you who I am? Like, and nobody, like nobody. And I, but I had such a sense of entitlement. And that's really gone away through these rooms and through, you know, the humility that I've been able to gain and the honesty that I'm able to get in these rooms. And so I just show up and I do my job the best I can. And I you know and it's funny because recently I've been reading different literature about how successful people build other people up. And I'm taking an improv class, and one of the lessons we've learned is to help other people in your scene, and to say yes, and accept the gifts. You know, you always have to be positive. And that's something that I had already kind of learned just through these programs, through the programs and through these steps, is, you know, I try to build up my coworkers, and I tryto contribute, andI try to help them, and compliment them when I do something well, I thank them. You know, I'm just a team player. And not only is that good for my spiritual condition, I mean, it's good for the organization. It contributes to a positive work environment. And, you know, before it was how can I get out of this? This person is cramping my style. This person has tried to take my stuff. And,you know,I was always scheming. And I don't do that today and it is such a relief. That was a really exhausting way to be before. and to just show up and do my job, as simple as that, and play well with others. You know, that's really me carrying the message because I might be the only exposure they ever have to AA if, you know, and if they're like, oh, that backstabbing bitch is – oh, I don't want that. So I want to just, you now, I try to just be positive in all of my interactions because, you kno, although I'm not identifying as AA in a lot of these situations, and most of these situations, you know, I'd like to be somebody that people can trust. And, you Know, my coworker opened up to me recently about some stuff that she's struggling with. And, I mean, it just felt good to know that I can be trusted and, You know, to be able to be there for my friends, for my family. It's just, You Know, that's me practicing the principles in all my affairs and being of service, and that really comes to these three steps. So thanks for letting me share. Thanks for sharing. I'm still an alcoholic named Casey and in the last hour I have not changed my sobriety date it's still May 11th of 2000 I was taught that 10 11 12 are your maintenance steps And the word maintenance comes from maintain. And honestly, the first time I went through 1011 and 12 it was almost like if I get through them all then you know i i will have like defeated alcoholism i will i will get this i will be like super sober man because i worked all 12 steps and um i don't know that i really understood that um spiritual life is not a theory that we have to live it that's in the 10th step that I cannot stay sober on yesterday's sobriety. I cannot sit on my laurels, that this is a program of action. So yes, 10 and 11 and 12 are my maintenance steps, but I have to keep moving. I cannot just maintain. You know, I really appreciated that Aaron spoke about the four horsemen. We continue to watch out for selfishness, resentment, dishonesty, and fear. And fear is a big word in Alcoholics Anonymous. They talk about it in our literature quite a bit. There are a hundred forms of fear, and they manifest in many, many ways. They talk about that in the third step. In the seventh step, one of my favorite references to fear is in the 12 and 12 in Step 7. The chief activator of our character defects is self-centered fear, primarily fear that we will lose something we already have or we will fail to get something we really want. So with that in mind, when fear pops up for me in whatever defect it decides to come out, You know, it takes me a minute to get comfortable with the fact that I'm still flawed. I'm Still Human and I still have to grow. One of the biggest issues I had with 10 was I got it in my head that I had to go through my day and only look at all the things I did wrong. And I kept doing that day after day, and I think I had about six months sober when I was doing Step 10 the first time. And day after Day, I would look at it and be like, well, you yelled at this person, and you cut this person off, and you gave this person a finger, and you were 15 minutes late to work, and so on and so forth. And I was bummed out, quite frankly. And I Was talking to my father, who had been sober for a number of years. And he says, honey, you read the step, right? And I said, yeah, I did. And he said, well, where are the assets? All you're telling me is the liabilities. And we got out the 12 and 12. And he read me the passage where it's a poor day indeed when we haven't done something right. So for me, taking that time to look at what I did do right versus only what I did wrong helped me in giving more power to the things I did right. And that's just me. That's my experience with pen. Three types of inventories. You have your spot check. You have you're annual. And you have your days end. And for me, in the beginning, I really needed that 10-step checklist. I really did because I'm a complete and utter scatterbrain. I'm very distractible. You know, something's shiny over here, and I forget what I'm supposed to be doing. And I really need it to see in black and white, okay, did you do this? Did you do that? Did you use it? And then I took my journal, and would write out what I did wrong and what I did right. And I would highlight all the things that I did right, and that worked for me until that discipline caught on. And because I was continuing to allow God to take me into the highest, finest version of me that I can be at any given moment, that discipline got easier and easier. And it took me less time to realize if I had wronged someone my conscience got very, very loud. And I can't get away with anything anymore. I cannot talk myself out of doing something I say that I was going to do. I try. I was like, yeah, you don't really want to go meet that girl for coffee. You really don't. You're getting sick. And then somewhere in the back of my head is suit up and show up. Get your keys. go. Because what happens is if I let that voice that's trying to talk me out of being the highest, finest version of me, if I Let that voice that's kind of talking out of it win, I get an emotional hangover. And when I get emotional hang over I get rather defensive and argumentative and angry. And I'm blocked. I don't feel that happy, joyous and free. I just get straight up blocked. It's just easier to live right. I was taught that happiness is a byproduct of right living. And it took a lot of trial and error for me to figure out what right living is for me. I can't lie. I just can't do it. I'm a terrible liar. I used to be an actress. And I used think, oh you know what? You got this lying thing down. I'm horrible liar. I have, like, no poker face whatsoever, which is a really good thing that I'm not an actress. I can't blow off responsibility. I want to. I'm tired. I go to school. I run a business. I have a seven- and a five-year-old. I have commitments in AA often in my head. You don't really need to do that. Or you can be late. But I can't live with me if I do that. I just can't. It's unacceptable for me to do that today. We alcoholics are undisciplined. Meditation is a discipline. I initially thought that it wasn't alcoholism that was my problem. I just thought I couldn't pay attention. I thought that I was in need of a spiritual guidance of some kind. So I went out and bought a book on paying attention and meditation and then couldn't sit down long enough and read the book on how to pay attention and meditate. And then it was gently suggested to me to maybe just read the big book first with someone to keep me where I'm supposed to be. And so when we came to this point, you know, my thought was I'm supposed to sit in, you know, Voda's position, you now, and be the Buddha. And I am – I don't do that. And it was – I was given a couple of suggestions because when I got here I was 21 years old and, you know, I'm kind of a nutball. And so I would get into meetings, and I would, you know, read the walls, and look at the boys, and when I did get a cell phone, I would check my phone and all that stuff, and I was not present. I was not aware. Meditation is being aware for me. So because my mind was so undisciplined, I had to train it, and I had to let God train it for me. So the first thing that I did was I had a sit in the front, in the very, very front where I could not be ridiculous and like turn around and stare at boys and read the walls and everything, that I actually had to watch the speaker's mouth, you know, and I would focus on that. And then it got to, and there were times when I'd get in my head and I'd think about what genius thing I would say if I got called on and all that stuff, but over time, over applying that specific discipline, I was able to just simply be with you and be aware of the awesome energy in the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous. It started from that, and it's grown. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God. I pray every morning. Now, some people get up and hit their knees. That's fine. I've had a couple of kids. When I get up, I've got to go to the bathroom. And I have a sticky note in my bathroom that says, Come in. So when I'm – you know what? God does not make too hard of terms for those who seek him. I don't really think that God cares if I'm praying while I go to the bathroom because I'm a multitasker. I really don't my God doesn't anyway I did pray on my hands and knees every morning and every night for the first three years of my sobriety but now I just simply talk to God wherever I am so I can be doing laundry and I'll be present with God and talk to god and do laundry wherever I'm God's there but I needed the discipline of being on my hands and my knees. Well, just my knees, I wasn't on my knees There was a time where it specifically says that we do not pray for our own selfish ends We may ask for ourselves Others will be helped And this is really hard for me because there are many times when I'm praying for other people because it will benefit me. And it always comes down to if it be thy will. If it be thou will, I can just show up and be the best person I can be, be their loving daughter, loving wife, loving mother, be present, be with you. I pray to God that my friend's cancer would go away and it didn't, she died. And I don't think that God made my friend sick, and I don' t think God took her away from me. But I think that that thing happened to good people. But I had this beautiful soul in my life, and she's been a big part of the family. Like I said before, I am always a flummox when someone asks me to work the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with them. I try not to say no, if I can help it. I have to now in that capacity. But when I work the Twelve Steps with another alcoholic, every single time I read these divinely inspired pieces of literature, I get something new. I get some new experience from the literature. And it talks about, in the big book specifically, how to do a 12-step call. Now, my spirit of intent when I first started doing 12 was good. I just went about it the wrong way. I was a little overzealous with trying to help people. Like, are you drunk? I need to help you. My spirit of intention was good, It was just, you know, settle down. And I did a lot of errands for, you know, my sponsees. I had a, you know, I was 21, 22, and she was 15. And so, like, I would take her to and from the mall. And that's nothing to do with her. But, like I was taking silver. And she didn't steal silver, but I did. And if you want what I have, you got to be willing. You got to do the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. Otherwise, as it says, do not be discouraged if your prospect does not respond at once. Get another alcoholic and try again. I always get brokenhearted when a transparency goes back out. And it occurred to me recently that it is unnatural for an alcoholic not to drink. It is very unnatural for that to happen. And so when they do drink, they're just doing what is natural for them. Somewhere in the first year of my sobriety, God took the desire to drink away. And it has never changed except for one moment when I had a very bad tragedy happen to me. And I didn't drink and I didn' eat. I don't know why that obsession was lifted from me and not others. And it's not my job to know why. I know what works for me in here. It's the recipe of Alcoholics Anonymous. You don't drink no matter what. You pray. You keep your side of the street clean. You help others. And I help in Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don't trust you alcoholics. I can't do it just in Alcoholic Anonymous because I've got a practice experience in all my affairs. And I have a business where I help people. And I have people around me who are not in these rooms that occasionally need help and when i give of myself freely the rewards of freedom that i was always looking for come back tenfold It is well getting well. It really is. See if that works instead, to stand up and do the next great thing. Thank you. My name is David, I'm an alcoholic, and while I didn't specifically identify it the first time I spoke with you, but my sobriety date is May 17th, 1977. But the most important thing is I'm sober today. I don't want to drink, which ought to tell you a lot about my drinking. But step 10 and I really can simply report that when I'm wrong for the most part I promptly admit it. And so how do we know I'm long? If I'm angry, I'm wrong. The tiger doesn't live without, it lives within. William Blake wrote a poem, Tiger, tiger burning bright in the forest of the night. What immortal hand or eye framed thy fearful symmetry? He didn't capitalize immortal because what frames that fearful symmetry is me, not something external you see. And so if I'm angry, I'm wrong. Now, the one caveat, if I am angry and I stay angry, it's not a good idea to make the amendment because then I end up having to make another amendment. And so I ask God's help with forgiveness in terms of behavior, and then when I'm calmed down, I'll make that amendment as quickly as possible. You see, the other thing I've learned, and this has been particularly helpful for me, I used to be very sensitive to criticism. If you criticize me, I get angry. I'm a very passionate person. I don't know whether you realize that, but I get passionate, which means I become emotionally unhinged. You know what I mean? And so if you criticize, look out because now I'll criticize you and that's how that action works and I'll drive you away. You know, that's a defense mechanism I've used a lot in my life. And today I've changed my whole perception of that. I don't use the word criticism at all in my mind. I call it feedback. People are giving me feedback. And in a lot of cases, it's very accurate feedback, and I can learn from it. And I've learned to, rather than on my best days, to react, to consider. And sometimes the feedback is less than accurate. And I'll tell you that a lot of times. And this works really good for me because people always want to be helpful, particularly if they can bring me down a page. You know what I mean? It's kind of – and so sometimes people say, but you're going to give a really good talk, right? And then they would go on. And what I say to them is, and this always quiets the conversation, I say, I'll consider that in my evening meditation. At which point they usually walk away and they don't want nothing else to do with me. But anyway, so I do try to make amends as soon as possible. Whenever possible, I try to catch myself before I even get into that situation And then at my particular age, I was telling someone that it's getting easier because it's just not worth the energy to get myself upset anymore, to tell you the truth. But anyway, what I really want to talk about is step 11. Step 11 for me is extremely important. And I remember, I had about a year's supply and I went to a meeting and Simon Herd Bell, who I respected quite a bit, was talking and he said that he did an inventory every day off of page 86 in step 11 before he retired. And I can remember sitting in the audience thinking, I don't have to do that. And I was thinking, if I could do something similar, I wouldn't have had to do it. But I've learned about parts anonymous when confronted with something like that or when someone provoked a thought that it usually serves me well to examine it for 30 days in front of the acid test. So even though I didn't think it was necessary, I decided to go on to page 86, that top paragraph, before I retire tonight and enjoying my day, my resentments, my dishonesty, my fear, and my selfishness. And then I began to journalize it. And I would write it down, and I ended up doing that for maybe three or four years. I'm journalizing. And one of the things I noticed was when I picked a person in things plans, his character defects didn't change at all. And so every day I could search out something. And now, it minimized to some extent what I could see. And I would ask God to remove it from me, but I would do it again. So then I discovered that it behooved me to do the next paragraph upon awakening. And this is where I have found these pages invaluable because, like Aaron and probably Casey, I'm not good at meditation or, you know, any of that kind of stuff. But when I looked up the word meditation, one of the definitions of meditation is visualization. and I understand visualization. I use it a lot in my life. And so in the morning before I even get out of bed I start considering my day. And then I get down on my knees and decide to bed and I ask God to direct my thinking today. And then I look at situations that are going to come up and I ask God specifically for the correct behavior or action. So, how does that go? Well, it goes something like this. Yesterday is closure. My wife has the house and I have the other half. We just, we've been away for almost a month, so there was a lot of cleaning to get done. And I knew it was going to be a little challenging. And so, prior to going to bed the previous night, I said, God, help me to be enthusiastic with the cleaning tomorrow. Help me to just enjoy doing it. That's very specific. Then when I got up that morning, I once again said, God, helped me to being enthusiastic. I cleaned. And I tell you the truth, it works. I ask God to accept that vision, and he seems to provide the mental acumen to be able to do it in that manner. And I use it in all areas of my life. Routine. If I'm going over to my son's house, which I did the other day, and I had a sand spackle, I don't particularly like sand and spackles, but I asked God, I said, help me to enjoy doing this for my son. I'm going to do a good job and to be patient while I'm doing it. And I remember it was fine. I looked like a snowman when I got up, but I remember I knew it was time. This morning I woke up. I said, God, help me to help my wife with the laundry today because I knew I was getting up a lot earlier than she was. And so I had two loads done before she even got out of bed this morning because I got out for lunch. God, remove this fear that I may have in presenting today. Help me to be helpful to others. Help them help me. And then I came here and there was a peace and calm about it. When I go to the gym, I say, God, help me to exercise. When I leave the gym I thank you. I don't take much for granted. Most of my prayers are on the day of thanking. If someone cuts me off on the road, my first reaction 99% of the time is, God, thank you for saving us from an accident. You see? I don't even think about getting angry anymore. My driving's not perfect. And the other person may have something on their mind. Who the heck knows? I don' t know. But it' s not that good myself excited about. But let me get into a little bit more specifics on this. and I'm going to tell you the story of Doug. Doug used to work for me, and I had a very high position. I had big, long title. And Doug was a warehouseman in an operation that I had. And I took him around this one day, and Doug and I, I used to run that warehouse. We had had some situations in the past in that, for whatever reason, Doug seemed like he used to aggravate me. So anyway, I'm walking through the warehouse this day and I look over and I see William doing a darn thing. So I go over to Doug and I said, Doug, I said it must be really difficult to try to look busy when the big boss walks around and they're not doing nothing. And he looked at me because, you know, I always figured you motivate people by these kind of comments a little bit, you know, and he looked up at me and he said, yeah, I wish we wouldn't do that. And this is where the guy showed a lot of courage, because I probably could have fired him if I wanted to. But anyway, he said, I wish you wouldn't do that. And I said, do what? He said, be sarcastic. He said if you want me to go to work, just tell me to get to work. You don't have to be sarcastical about it. You'll always like that with me. Now, being a passionate person that I am, and typically, and I'm kind of confrontational, typically I would have, but whenever that day, I didn't. And I walked away when I thought of that. And I said, you know what? He's right. I don't do that to everybody, but there are certain people I do this to. And I went back over to Doug, and I said, Doug, I said thank you for telling me that. I said you're right. And in the future, I'll try to treat you with respect. And so I began to ask God to remove sarcasm from my life because it is injurious to others. And I realized it's still a base. But what I discovered is this. I never ask God to remove anything, anything without putting the positive attribute in its place because it leaves me in a void. Remove the sarcasm, I've got nothing left. What have I got? So what I did in this particular case is I said to God, help me to be complimentary, affirming and uplifting to all I need today. And I began going out from there on and looking around at how I could affirm somebody, how I can compliment somebody genuinely, you see, and how I an uplift other people. The funny thing is when you start doing that, people start liking you. And then I started feeling kind of good about myself and was confident to do it even more. Doug ended up in a very serious medical problem. And I was, by this time, in another building, and he called up and asked if he could see me. And he came in and he sat down. And he told me what his problem was, and we said, I can't share this with anybody else at work. And I sat there with him and we prayed together. His wife told me that he's one of his most valued friends at work, you see. God entered our lives, changed mine. And I'm very sensitive to sarcasm ever since. I have setbacks, not about anybody, I don't know. You see? That happens at maybe 13 or 14 years of sobriety. At 18, 19 years of sobiety it occurred to me that I was in power. Through some situations in life I found that, you know, I'm not as talented as I thought I was. And so I began to pray about that. And once again, I don't pray to remove anything but I put something in its place. And I tried to help me to appreciate other cultures, to learn from them, to experience them. I better imagine two months later I was advertising in Korean newspapers and in Vietnamese newspapers, and I was doing Hispanic radio. It allowed me to travel to South America and feel perfectly at ease and comfortable, allows me to . You see, with cultures that I can't speak, I wouldn't be able to speak the language I tried forever, but I kept up with the people's needs. The thing that I realized is that the people need a spirit of intent. And if your spirit of intention is right, language isn't important. It really isn't. They go out of their way to try to help me. Now, there's another part on page 37. And what it says is that when I'm agitated, I pause and ask God for a way to solve the action. I'm at best days when they do that. But being a passionate person, if you surprise me, you could have problems. All right? I don't do surprise well when I end up doing it. And so I find that it is true, you know, don't surprise me. Just, you now, if I see it coming, I'm fine, but the more it comes out of nowhere, it means I'm done. And so, I am particularly aware of that in my life. But I don' t ask God to do the next right thing. And the reason I don't ask him to do the next right thing is that goes through this filter in my head. And what I consider right may not be right at all. So I leave it up to God for the right part of action. Show me where he lives. I will be done, you see. And that takes us to step 12. Here's my spiritual experience. And it's right in the big book, and it makes perfect sense to me. Our attitude is revolutionized. I have a different attitude toward life, our flowers, and God's universe today. I really do. It's good. And that's the spiritual experience. That's the whole set of changes I've had in my life. You know, my best days, I live that way. Any day that I can contribute 51% in order to improve the man, this is probably a pretty good day. But I do go out each day with that in mind. I'm self-fulfilling again unless I can be selfish and I can internalize that in a minute. You wouldn't know it but I know it you see. But on my best days, I try to put something into my life and not just in LA but into my home. I try appreciating my life when I go shopping. I try being helpful. I try doing work for experience. And I really do. In fact, I'm more of a shopper than a shooter. But anyway, but that's how I try to approach things. And I always start out with those things. I don't take anything for granted in most cases today, you see. And it's just made a much more peaceful life. I was quite stuck in the program about Clarkson Island and that's my legacy. But I know, based on my experience, that I'm uniquely useful to have an alcoholic, as you are. There's a recovery that you need to be useful. And so when I have the opportunity, I try to do that. I'm blessed today because a lot of guys I sponsor. I sponsor guys from 10 months up to 34 years, I guess. And as I said, I've lived some violence and I really enjoy it and believe it or not, I hear from them all the time. It amazes me because I don't call my sponsor that much. But anyway, these guys called me up and it's really a lot of fun. The other thing that I learned with alcoholics, let me see if I can come back. I took risks with an alcoholic, and I do it carefully and I did it just recently with somebody. I don't know them real well, but I know them. And I pulled him up after a minute and then I said, talk to me about guys because they hadn't mentioned it. And then I started relating a little bit of my experience from where I came from. And I said, I'm not trying to sell you anything, but I wish you would consider this for the next 30 days. And if it works out let me know and if it doesn't let me now. But I do believe sometimes that simplest things sometimes reach the heart of another alcoholic And I don't, when I feel so motivated, I like to try to tap into that. And even though sometimes they may have to go home and pray for me. But anyway, if nothing else, they're thinking about what I said. But we're all in this together to try and do the best we can one day at a time. And I love this fellowship, I love the program. Sometimes people ask me, because I still go to Black Friday meetings every week, and they go, why are you doing so many meetings today? Because there's people you meet. I really believe if we can contact with newcomers in each other, it is a better start of our lives. I really do believe that. I mean, what I get in the middle of Al-Qaeda Islam is I don't find on television, you see. In the end, if I have good purpose or make a commitment at home, that is a commitment I will keep. I never forget that our families sacrifice for us. They do sacrifice time. My kids sacrifice. My wife sacrifices. It's nice that I'm sober, but they still have made a huge sacrifice. And I always want to appreciate them, you see. So I'm not frivolous when I'm here. I'm real about the business of LA. When that's done, I go home. Thank you very much.