Step 10 and Character Building – Women’s Book Study – Part 10 of 13 – Bob A.

It's what my mind tells me about what I see. Whether it's you, whether it's anybody, it doesn't make any difference. Because my mind gets angry. And when it gets angry, I blame you for making me angry. And yet, you didn't make me angry, and I'm already angry. I've got anger inside of me. And I can't see the relationship there. Because I blame YOU. And blame YOU means the world, means anybody, anything, anytime. It doesn't mean any difference but the step itself though what it means to me mainly is that I can start this morning out and say I go along this morning maybe I don't say hello to you and I think about that later I can go back and apologize I can maybe find you and say hello but you see I don' t have to take it with me everywhere I go there is a way in step 10 to take a personal inventory that's looking inside of me taking a personal inventory of my behavior, my thinking, my action as the moment I live so I don't have to continue the rest of the day with something that happened early in the morning and I'm still paying a price for it in the afternoon. It robs me of my day. Can you imagine? I've got a job to do a job and I have a mind that can do the job but it's so full of something I did in the evening in the early morning that I'm just thinking about it and my job. I just got through robbing myself of a life that I should have because I don't know what to do with it I did something wrong I made a mistake and I have to take it with me everywhere I go I have remember it I have think about it and this here is what kills me all the time but yet though, see step 10 is in the 10th position especially in the tenth position because of what's going on in my life if you stop and think about this now how far have we went in step application by principles and the day we're in to build a new character now with no reference to the old character just doing nothing now except learning how to live today think today, act today by principles and a power that makes it possible we've come a long way if you don't know it we've coming a long, long way we started down when it was ABC's when it Was About Alcoholism Eagle and Self Then it started out, identifying, learning. I'll never be able to take another drink of alcohol again as long as I live. This is a principle. This is something that I must have in my life. I have it. Building a character by step application. This is what it's all about. Because when my life's unmanageable, I have to find out why. Why is my life unmanangeable? If I'm not drunk, why is my Life Unmanageble? You see, all of these principles, all of this what we're talking about becomes a method of living. But if you stop and think about it, all along, going along right up now up to step 10, do you know that you can walk into a store? Do you can go in a crowded room full of people? That you can come in there and come out of there and your mind is just as clear and clean as it could be? Did it didn't go and look for trouble? Did it did not judge people? It didn't find people that displeased you for some reason or another? that you can be totally free from a mind that used to do nothing but live in a rat race. Mine lived in a sewer. The rat race I lived in was in my mind. It wasn't in the world because I created a rat trace because my mind said this and it said that. Here we're going now in the step application, learning what Alcoholics Anonymous is all about. We're only up at step 10, but can you imagine how far along, in principle in the day you're in that you could have now something it wasn't there before maybe it was maybe it wasnít I found out that most alcoholics have to learn the same way I had to learn they have to be shown this is spiritual food Iím showing you something Iím giving you something but itís spiritual food itís nothing I own I donít have a damn thing Iím no different than you I must do again the same thing today or I don't have it either to grow spiritually how can you grow spiritually if you don't live with the spiritual principles in application the day you're in how are you going to grow are you gonna grow by your mind are you're gonna grow by your job or by your success your money or whatever it is is that the way you're going to growth not for the disease of alcoholism it never works that way but here we're coming up into a point now that's very important because of what step 10 in step 10 page 90 it's a spiritual axiom that whenever I'm disturbed no matter what the cause I'm at fault this is a principle this is to walk through this day today go through this whole day today under any and all conditions and if there's anything wrong I must look inside if I see something that's disturbing I must look inside I have to have something and what I have to have is in step 10 step 10 again now is all about a relationship it's a relationship with a power greater than me a personal inventory is a personal inventory that's going on right now right now you see these steps are in an order form you can see maybe logically maybe you can see it like I see it because each step is there in front of another step for a reason so that the principles, the need is going to be supplied in that step to go farther. You see, this is necessary in step 10 and it's necessary in application otherwise I'll never be able to go through step 11. And step 11 is the only step that we grow spiritually. You can figure this one out. step 11 is the only step that you'll grow spiritually all the other steps are there for a reason but not like step 11 but if step 10 isn't there then I can't do step 11 because of what step 10 says that I must do is that I have to take a personal inventory that means that the moment I wake up, the moment I go to bed my life has to be a personal inventory. I have to keep checking in. It says for new events even, it talks in here and it says although all inventories are alike in principle, the time factor does distinguish one from another. There's a spot check inventory taken at any time of the day whenever we find ourselves getting tangled up. There's the one we take at the day's end when we review the happenings of the hours just passed. You see, it It talks in here, and it says, wait a minute, let me see where it's at here. It talks, when a drunk has a terrific hangover because he drank heavily yesterday, he cannot live well today. But there is another kind of hangover which we all experience, whether we're drinking or not. That is the emotional hangover, the direct result of yesterday and sometimes today's excesses of negative emotion, anger, fear, jealousy, and the like. If we would live serenely today and tomorrow, we certainly need to eliminate these hangovers. This doesn't mean we need to wander morbidly around in the past. It requires an admission and a correction of errors now. Our inventory enabled us to settle with the past When this is done, and we are really able to leave it behind us. When our inventory is carefully taken, we have made peace with ourselves. The conviction follows that tomorrow's challenges can be met as they come. There's so much here in individual, personal inventory in the day we're in, so that whether there are new events, something that has never happened, they don't throw us off first base. We don't do dumb things. We don'T think dumb things, and this is why step 10 is like it says and when it says it's a spiritual axiom you see a spiritual axiome is whenever something disturbs me I'm at fault I had to accept that it was hard at first because I kept looking at you looking at the world looking at blame blaming others blaming times and places but a personal inventory was where my mind told me there's nothing wrong really it's what your mind is telling you You're listening to a mind now, and that's what's upsetting you. This is going inwardly again. This is all about this personal inventory. Before, the inventory I looked at was always outside. It was never inside. The inventory of defects of character was one thing. But these aren't the same things. Step 10 is here so I can live today, this day. I can make a mistake. I can go in today and I can make a mistake and it can be corrected promptly admit it today this day now when it happens now if now is now I don't have to lug it around I don' t have to build and build and build until the day ends I had a rotten day because something happened along the way I made a mistake I said something too fast and I hurt somebody it can been corrected and it could be corrected right then promptly admit even to the person I injured, and to God. But you see, this is a way of life. This is something I never had before because I had to carry with me everything I ever did. And I had a memory like an elephant. I can go back so many years and I can remember so many things and they can punish me today just like they punished me back then. Because there are things that hurt me. There are things I'm ashamed of. There's things that bring on guilt. And these things don't have to be there. Why can't I be happy, joyous, and free? This here program, the whole program recovery is based on exactly that. Happy, joyless, and free away from my mind. It says our first objective will be the development of self-restraint. This carries a top priority rating. When we speak or act hastily or rashly, the ability to be fair-minded and tolerant evaporates on the spot. One unkind tirade or willful snap judgment can ruin a relationship with another person for a whole day or maybe a whole year. Nothing pays off like the restraint of tongue and pen. We must avoid quick-tempered criticism and furious power-driven arguments. The same goes for sulking or silent scorn. These are emotional booby traps baited with pride and vengefulness. Our first job is to sidestep these traps. When we are tempted by debate, we should train ourselves to step back and think. For we can neither think nor act a good purpose until the habit of self-restraint has become automatic. You see, what they're talking about here now is something that as I was living my life in the day I was in, I didn't know that I could undo things in the way in the days I was there that I did. I went along in the day I was in making mistakes I was doing things in the way in the days I was in and I had no way of correcting them I had not way of knowing what it is or how to do it or when to do it or who do you do it with and so if you remember you know back you go back in page 53 in in in step 4 it starts on the bottom of 52 but then it ends up in 53 and it says suppose that financial insecurity constantly arouses these same feelings I can ask myself to what extent have my own mistakes fed my gnawing anxieties and if the actions of others are part of the cause what can I do about that if I'm unable to change the present state of affairs am I willing to take the measures necessary to shape my life to conditions as they are. Questions like these, more of which will come to mind easily in each individual case, will help turn up the root causes. But it is from our twisted relations with family, friends, and society at large that many of us have suffered the most. We have been especially stupid and stubborn about them. The primary fact we fail to recognize is our total inability to form a true partnership with another human being. Our egomania digs two disastrous pitfalls. Either we insist upon dominating the people we know, or we depend on them far too much. If we lean too heavily on people, they will sooner or later fail us. For they are humans too, and they cannot possibly meet our insistent demands. You see, this character building that I've been talking about now, we're in step 10. and we're in step 10 because of what it says it's a spiritual axiom that whenever I'm disturbed no matter what the cause I'm at fault here it talks in here that I have the total inability to form a true partnership with another human being there's principles now we started in one we go all the way through we hit four now now we're up in ten but you see along the way there's a character building taking place the character building that's taking place is application These aren't reading things anymore. These aren'T things that you have to remember. These are not things that when you get out there, you get lost. You can't remember what page or anything else like that. The reason why is because the character building that you're building, you're living it as you build it. They become a way of life. I didn't know that when I was building the character that I brought here, I was living with that day. And I built me that day because of the way I lived, the way i thought, what i acted, what i did. Here in Alcoholics Anonymous we're given a chance now. We're given a chance to build a new character. The new character is by principle spiritual in their nature. This is exactly what this is about right now. Is that step 10. Step 10 allows each and every one of us to go into the day we're in. We can have a day of today of all days. Today can be the most beautiful day you ever had in your life. And it can be that way. But as it does that, it gets better because of the spiritual progress, because of the fact that you keep looking inside. You quit blaming the outside. You quit finding fault out there. You were taught down in step two all about this, about self-talking, about argument, about many, many things. These were principles. Try to remember this not by words, not by chapters, not by numbers, but by application. To see yourself for the day you're in, that you can have a power where this power makes it possible to do exactly what you need to do for your life today. This is not self. But you see, the bottom line to what I'm talking about all the time and it's going to come out in the next step is total dependency on God. Total dependency on Gott. Step 10. I know for sure that if you could keep in mind about the spiritual axiom that whenever you're disturbed no matter what the cause you're at fault if you could develop that principle that truth to do that in the day you're in try it for a while if you don't like it if it doesn't if it does if it's not if it isn't do what it's supposed to do then do whatever you want to do but at least give it a fair shot at least try it and see if it is there see if It does something that needs to be done to your life in step 11 step 11 says sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood Him praying only for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out now that's a lot of words that is a lot OF words but you see the word, the first word bugged me right away the first Word is sought I don't believe I ever remember ever using the word sought in the vocabulary I don' t think I ever did When would I ever use the word sought? I don't even know what sought means. I think I do. I think it means seek, I guess, but it doesn't mean that. Because what does it mean? Sought through prayer and meditation. So I have to look these words up. I have go to a dictionary and I have keep looking. This is the language that I was talking about. Because sought is an ongoing, continuous way. sought is not seeking and finding sought doesn't end sought is a continuous method sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God so how can I do that just exactly how can i do that it says conscious contact with God we've been sitting here all day long all day long as it ever, ever or how many times was out of these hours that we've been here was there any reference of needing God talking about God asking God praising God you see that's what this step means sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God see prayer and meditation I had to learn exactly that prayer doesn't have to be on my knees Prayer can be exactly right now. And it is now. I ask God always to help me, guide me, strengthen me with His power, His words. But you see, that's a prayer. And meditation to me is quiet time, silence, inside silence. That means that my mind is not talking to me. Meditation means exactly that I'm asking God to be in my life. I'm not doing nothing. It's just plain silence. I'm not thinking about tomorrow, today, right now, you, them or anybody else because it's a silence. It's an inner quiet. To me that's what it is. That's why I can have meditation if I'm in my car. I don't have to go to a special room, special time because I used to find out when I was working and I'd be out on the freeway and I'll be out there when the traffic is going 900 miles an hour around you and you got a big truck there and you're trying to get it out of the way and I'm just getting worried. I'm getting sick of getting killed or getting hurt. My mind's racing 90 miles an hour. The damn truck is against the center divider instead of over where it belongs and so I go back to my truck. I learn to go back to my trunk and sit down and shut down. Shut down means that I stop thinking about traffic. I stop thinkin' about how bad off everything is. It's a silence. It's an inner silence. It's the mind that just doesn't keep rattling away. I get out of the truck and I go back. Sometimes I go back there, I see exactly what's wrong with the truck. I can fix it. We drive away. Other times I have to hook up and pull them. But regardless, my mind didn't kill me. My mind slowed down and then it stopped. It gave me a chance to see what was necessary to do what I was supposed to do. And every time, everything turned out right. Every time. Never miss. Sometimes I had to pull them away, sometimes we drove them away. But you see the whole world that I lived in, all of a sudden it was a big rat race. It was full of fears. It was going by 90 miles an hour, every damn car seemed like it was going faster. And I'm thinking in terms I'm going to get killed. To have this what I'm talking about is application. It's using it. Prayer and meditation. Sought through prayer and meditation Sought is right now. I sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God what does that mean to me it means everything it means right now I don't have to be taught this you don't need to know you don' t have to tell me how to do this all I have to do is do it because it tells me exactly what to do consciously ask God talk to God consciously do this when is consciously at a special time special place no consciously is right now I can have a relationship. And I need this relationship because it's a power. This is a power where if I follow through with what it says, so through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood Him. Understood Him. Remember down in two. Remember what three said. Three said the same thing and it's underlined the same way. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to care of God as I understand Him. Understood Him from two. Understood what from two? Understood that there's a power greater than me that can do something I can't do. Can give me sanity, soundness, wholeness of mind. Step 11 says let's grow spiritually. This is the only step that we can grow spiritually because of what it is you have to do. You have to consciously keep going farther with God through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact. praying only for the knowledge of his will for me and a power to carry that out what does that mean down in 3 we didn't read about 3 at the last part about it but it says in 3 that only me in the light of my own circumstances can exert this willingness trying to do this is an act of my own will it's an act OF MY OWN WILL I want to be with God I want TO HAVE THIS LIFE I want EVERYTHING GOD WANTS ME TO HAVE praying only for the knowledge of his will for me and a power to carry that out you see them words mean a great deal, stop and think about the principles that are involved right now, the principles the truth of what them words say God as I understood him praying only from the knowledge of his Will for me and a Power to carry it out you see, them aren't words because words get lost words don't take on meaning but principles do application does the thing that's necessary to do if I walk and talk with God if I ask God if I relate my life to God if I asked God to help me who am I asking I'm not asking me but I'm asking a power greater than me something that I learned in Alcoholics Anonymous that I need to have I by myself am nothing the Father doeth the works that's step 7 And I know that for sure. These are principles now. This isn't head knowledge. This isn' something that you can store up now. You can't take this to bed and just memorize it. And that's the end of that. This is a way of life. Each of us, every one of us. If you don't do it, you don' have it. How could you have it if you don''t do it? These are hard things to look at. I used to sit there like you're sitting. And man, I'm telling you, I talked to me so severely you couldn't believe it. Because of the fact that I was somebody and I didn't want to be that somebody. But I didn' t know how not to be that somebody I was trying my best My best isn't good enough but there's a power that has the best that's good enough But I never knew this though Nobody would talk about it Nobody would say Why don't you do it this way? Here's what you do It's already outlined it's here and complete every bit of it is complete right here page 21 to 125 it's all about application it's always about today's life it's almost always about principles truths is what I call them I can see a truth and I know a truth and so you see these are days that I have if I make a mistake they can be corrected and the way they're corrected is the way these should be corrected they're corrected by a power greater than me I don't have the power to correct me not to do something again if I did it once I'll do it twice it stands to reason each one of us when we come here we have something wrong with this and nobody wants to look at it nobody wants identify it nobody wants talk about it it's a disease but it's words it's called alcoholism it's never once ever talked about it's said here you act like this because you got this wrong with you this is a disease of alcoholism it's called ism because it's alive it's never a wasm it won't go away but here in Alcoholics Anonymous we have such a way of life guaranteed each one of us step 11 sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood Him praying only for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out that's a way of life that's an ongoing living life right now this is something now that I found out in Alcoholics Anonymous all of these steps now they don't have to be remembered they don' t have to be numbered their principles, their character building in application that I will use for my life each and every one of us if you're in doubts, if you need to know more We'll talk about it. We can do so many things if you're willing because of what it is. I know darn well that this here way of life, I struggled with it. I went through the Sermon on the Mount. I studied the Serman on the Mountain. I studied steps. I studied everything. And when the time came, it came for me the same way it will come for anybody. It doesn't make no difference who you are. There's something that has to be done. But to do it though, sometimes it's pretty hard to do because you don't know what to do. That's why this is a message that I believe has to be carried. This is all about spiritual food. This is also about living your life today. This is always about an individual, collectively yes, but individual application. Nobody can do it for you. Nobody. Each individual has to do exactly the same thing that I have to do and we all have to deal with. And in step 12 step 12 is the summation step 12 isn't very hard I don't believe because of what it says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps what steps the other 11 steps imagine that the other eleven steps having had a spiritual awaking because of eleven steps it says I tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of my affairs what does that mean which I talked before about sponsorship sponsorship I believe is that you have to have something to give away in step 12 when it talks in there I believe that step 12 can be done just as beautiful as beautiful can be because I've already had the awakening the spiritual awakening by these steps 11 steps the character building started in step one and then started to go and as I was going I was learning how to live in the day I'm in you see these steps I had to learn you don't have to have all twelve in application it must be understood that these steps are in a logical order form so that you can build a new character the new character being built starts in step 1 when I can admit that I'm powerless over alcohol I'll never be able to touch the alcohol again. I did hit bottom. My life is unmanageable, but step two says something to me. It says let's do something now you never did before. Let's open your mind up. Let's quit arguing. Let's see if there's a power. Let's sea if there is something greater than you that can do something you can't do. See if this power is there for you. You see, I had to learn myself because I was against the word God. I was again people that talk that way. And all I was doing was delaying my own progress in Alcoholics Anonymous. But the delay had to stop, and it did stop. And it stopped when I listened to one man at a stag meeting. And this man sounded different. He talked about a good life. He talked About something that I knew nothing of. He was talking about a world that was a good world. He had a good wife, good kids. He had good vacations. All I can talk about is fighting. All I can talk about is freeway. All I Can Talk About Is The IRS. I Have To Pay Them Again. I Don't Know How To Live. And I Can't See Me. Honest To God, I Couldn't See me. And Yet There I Was All The Time. I Look At People All Around Me. They're Just Like Me. So I Think That's Okay To Be Like That. Because Everybody Says The Same Thing. If You Don't Like Your Wife, Divorce Her. Throw Her Out. Give Another One. The Other Guy Says, That's What I Did. You Bet. they all say the same thing they don't know what else to say the program recovery there's plenty to say there's a lot to say step 12 for each and every one of us having had a spiritual awakening one of the greatest gifts that we ever could have is that a spiritual awaking when you know in here in the language of the heart there's so many things in here and there's one thing in here this here this to me is important I believe and it's what Bill Wilson wrote most of you probably heard it or read it and the reason I keep looking at it all the time because I keep reading the same things over all the times but I read them because of the fact that I grow spiritually I get more out of every reading I do regardless of how many times I've read it And what he's talking about here, this is on page 237, the language of the heart. Okay. It says, Even then as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us, that's the place so many of us AA oldsters have come to and it's a hell of a spot literally how shall our unconscious from which so many of our fears, compulsions and phony aspirations still stream be brought into line with what we actually believe know and want how to convince a dumb raging hidden Mr. Hyde becomes our main task I recently come to believe that this can be achieved I believe so because I began to see many benighted ones, folks like you and me, commencing to get results. Last autumn, depression, having no real rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. I began getting scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. Considering the grief I had with depression, it wasn't a bright prospect. I kept asking myself, why can't the twelve steps worked to release depression. By the hour I stared at St. Francis' prayer, it's better to comfort than be comforted. Here was the formula all right, but why didn't it work? Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence on people, circumstances, to supply me with prestige, security and the like. Failing to get these things according to my professionalist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them, and when defeat came, so did my depression. There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until his fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away. Because I had, over the years, undergone a little spiritual development the absolute quality of these frightful dependencies have never been so starkly revealed reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people upon AA indeed upon any set of circumstances whatsoever then only could I be free to love as Francis had Emotional, instinctual satisfactions I saw were really extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing a love appropriate to each relation of life. Plainly, I could not avail myself of God's love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others as He would have me. And I couldn't possibly do that so long as I was victimized by false dependencies. for my dependency meant demand a demand for the possession and control of people and the conditions surrounded me this to me was something it's dated if you look at the date it's 1958 Bill Wilson had to go 23 years 23 years because he was number one there was nobody ahead of him except God he had to do he had 23 years finding depressions He had depressions for four years. He was suicidal for three years, he said. You see, this is what I've been talking about all day long. I've Been Talking About Dependency. I've Been Talking About A Way Of Life. I've Ben Talking About Power, Greater Than Human Power. I've Bin Talking About a Word Called God. This Is What It's All About. This Program Recovery that I'm talking of right now, and what I'm speaking about right now is an individual way of life for each of us. It means exactly what it says it means. It does exactly what it says that it will do. This isn't an interpretation. This is exactly what's in print. Everything that I've said to you today, everything I talk about, you ask me where. I'll show you where it says this. I will take you right to the words that are in print These are things that I have to use myself. This is something that I need today for me. This is Something You've Got to Look at that as I go along, I have to grow spiritually. But as I grow spiritually, my life gets opened up. It gets deeper. It gets broader. It sees and has more for the day I'm in. The things that I can do today I never could do in my yesterdays, but I can doing them today. But the guarantee is always there for me. So long as I stay with a power greater than me, all things are possible. How much more of these steps? Now we can honestly, And honestly, we can go in the steps and we can go in very, very deep, very long. And you can take them down as far as you want to take them because that's exactly where you have to go eventually. And I know for myself I had to too. As I was learning this, I was learning it as a surface. I was learning how to get along in one day. How to use principles in one day. How to stay out of fights, arguments with people I worked with one day and I found out that as I did this each and every day, I became stronger. I became more dependent. I became more associated with a power greater than me because I was using that power instead of the power itself. And one time I only knew me. I didn't know who God was. And here in the steps, it talks in here whether you're an atheist, agnostic, former believer, makes no difference. There isn't one loophole that you can go through here. This book was written Bill Wilson even states It had to be worded so that none of us could wiggle out. None of us would say, this doesn't work. If you notice, even when it's read in most all your meetings in chapter 5, and it starts out, rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program. I had to look at that and accept words. I had to quit this business of reading words. What I read there, I was a will-not. I wasn't a can-not, I was the will- not. I wouldn't do the things that were necessary in the day I was in. I was against too many things. I argued with too many people. I fought people in AA and I told them where to stick it all the time. This was a way of life. I didn't know any better. Nobody would show me, nobody would tell me what the disease of alcoholism is it was always said it was always said the same thing just keep coming back you're going to be a winner words like that they might fit you but they don't fit me I can't keep coming back because of the way I am if I stay out there much longer than the way I am I'm going to kill that world and when I do that I'll kill myself here in Alcoholics Anonymous there's a message here and the message is in 12 steps we run through it pretty quick maybe, but we did run through it. And it's given, I know it's given everything that's needed because God is behind every word that's spoken here. This is for you like it's for me. I had to learn that this life that I'm talking about is my life. I don't want to go around looking on the floor anymore. My eyes used to be on the door. I used to look at the floor half the time. I never could look anybody in the eye. I was so damn guilty inside. And I'm sober. I'm not drunk, but I got a mind that's still the same mind I brought here. In this mind that I brought her, I found out in the step application, there's no need for me to go another minute with the disease of alcoholism all because of what's here. This is something that each one of us, if you're not convinced, keep reading page 60 to 63 in your big book. Keep reading it. See if that isn't you. See if you don't behave like that. See if this is not your behavior, your thinking. I had to do it. I still read it today. I've been reading that book for as long as I've ever been reading it and it's always the same thing but it's a way of life. It's something that each one of us you can't hear too much of this. If you hear me talk again you might think I'm saying the same things over and over again. Believe me, I am not saying the same stuff over and on again. the reason why is because the disease of alcoholism is there and it's going to be there and it does exactly the same thing it always does too but the program recovery is always there for recovery not for failure when you hear me say something and you might have heard me say it maybe ten times stop and think you needed to hear that ten times because your disease is going on because it's an ism and if you didn't hear it maybe the tenth time, it might kill you. That's the truth. So all of this is what I know today. I only know it by living it. I only knew it because it's my life. I know that it grows spiritually. I know what I do today has to be only for today and tomorrow gets here and there's more to do. This is always the same story for each and every one of us. The joy and the happiness that I have inside of myself is guaranteed. It's always guaranteed. But only by God's grace, not by mine. we have 408 so we got through some steps here pretty fast you want to spend some time talking about questions about any part of any of the steps is there something that's maybe bugging you or something yeah I have a situation going on right now, I'm an x-ray technician and the nurse is over or she didn't make herself clear on what x-rays she wanted so I asked her and she started yelling at me. She said I could have went into the chart and looked, which I can't do because I don't know what the doctor wants. But she had to write it down. And later on she came and apologized to me. She said, I'm sorry but you could have looked through the chart. And I said, I can't go through the charge. And so I just let it go. And then later on she's bringing me it up. But I'm not saying anything about it. And I'm also thinking more into her. And I can see that she's feeling uncomfortable with me. But I am not trying to make her feel uncomfortable. So how, I think I do the right thing by telling her that I need more information. But how do I go about...I don't know. I don't feel that good inside. And I feel uncomfortable, and I can see she feels uncomfortable. But I'll go to her every morning. I'll say good morning. And I can lean into the morning. But I don' know how to make it better. Because I know I can't have that resentment. yeah it must be there you wouldn't be talking about it it's the same story for you as it is for me it's not what the other person does I don't care who that other person is it's what I do inside of me if I'm harboring any resentment if I am thinking cockeyed about somebody else the trouble is in me that has to be corrected It hasn't got anything to do with her. It's not what she said or what she did. It's what your mind told you that has to be corrected. You're still holding a resentment. You must be. You're talking about it. You have to recognize it yourself, though. You haveと recognize exactly what it is. If it is a resentment, the only way I know how to get rid of a resentment is I would go to her and tell her so. And I would be genuine when I do it. And I'd do it for the reason I do. I want to be free of resentment. I don't want to have to look at her and remember a bad action, a bad thought, a bad word of yesterday or anything like that. This is going to make your life have more quality. This will make a better woman out of you by doing that than anything else that you possibly could do. But you see, you're going to haveと do your life that way because as each thing comes and goes, if it stays, it's got to go because it'll give you an unmanageable life. It'll take you into areas on the days you're in and it'll be so upsetting that you can't get away from it. You can't hide. You can erase it. It just won't be erased. But to get rid of a resentment like that, for me, I would do it, genuinely do it. I would go to you and tell you that I have a resentment to what happened the other day and it's killing me and I want to apologize and I don't want to get out of it. And I want you to know that I want him to get rid of this resentment because for me to talk about it to you but we'll get rid of it. Because if you're genuine about what you're doing, believe me, it will be accepted and it doesn't necessarily have to be accepted by her, but it will being accepted by God. Yeah? I'm still confused actually about the fear list. Because I think I was in my cell for a couple of minutes there. because all of a sudden I tuned back in and I went from the defective character list to the fear list and there's three columns and all I did was write down those three things and think I've got to remember to ask you about that. Did you say that fears are always the cause of the defect? No. No, fear is the spin-off of the defects. Okay. Can you give me an example? Well, if you... We'll name a defect and then we'll name it fear with it, see? Anger. See, anger. All right, if you express anger to somebody, it's got a fear alongside of it. It's a spin-off. The anger is liable to do something to your relationship. The fear of losing somebody through anger. See? It's the spin-offs. After an angry, then I get frightened. Yes, right, right. Right. And if you identify, if you will identify the defect and the fear, they're both gone. Okay. What is the three columns? Well, the three column is no difference than just putting down the defects then the... Oh, the tape. Well, it seems like them tapes are real short. Every two minutes, bang, here goes another one.