Step 10 and a Method of Living – Unity Church Book Study – Part 1 of 2 – Bob A.

Thank you. Last week we were at 7, 8, 9 and so we're trying to start out at 10 right away and instead of 10 it says continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong promptly admit it. It says when we're wrong, but I learned a long time ago to take out the plural or the other pronoun and put mine in there so that it means exactly what it says to me individually that this is a program that I'm doing for me, not for you or be here because of you. And, you know, I believe myself and continue to take personal inventory. I'm pretty much, I was pretty much aware of and knew what inventory means as far as the word goes. And I also was coming from the other steps that were before 10, so I did have step four knowing a great deal about defects of character that was in an inventory in my life. But I had a sponsor that was a step man, a real... He was on steps constantly, you know, and in the book constantly and everything else. So he was teaching me things now about the steps that I couldn't read out of the book reading myself, and I didn't hear it at other meetings than anything else. And it was something that once I heard it, I thought that I could retain it and benefit from it and everything else. And then I didn' t know, of course, who I was or what I was here for at the time. But the major thing that he was telling me was about 10, was the fact that 10 is a method of living that I have to be taught, and it's not just about defects of character that I know about. These defects of characters that I brought here at Alcoholics Anonymous are the defects of characteristics that I learned how to use when I was in the drinking, drunken world. And he said that there is such a thing as new defects of characteristic that I will acquire or use in today's life when I'm in Alcoholics Anonymous living sober he said there is such a thing as that and I never heard anything like that before you know and I couldn't I just didn't understand that and then as I started learning more about the reason for step 10 and why and actually why it's written the way it's written in the book here because it says continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted I had to find out that continue means exactly what it says in the daily reprieve that I'm in I have to live with this here principles that are going to be introduced now in this particular step, number 10 that's going to be added to a method of living or a way of life and so the idea behind this was so that I don't get in the habit, which I have been there many, many times, of thinking that I'm all right today because I got time in AA or I've been through 12 steps or I got a good sponsor and I go to meetings regularly and things like that. Continuum means that it's something that has to go on in my daily living life so that the character change or the character that I am now will be coming from the program recovery, which is what I'm here for in the first place and so this is something that's an ongoing process now and promptly admitted it was something that I didn't know what that meant as far as the application goes because promptly admit it meant to me at the time is whenever it bothered me so great or whenever I did something so so much or I did damage so much that I was forced into doing something about it and promptly admit it I'd back down in three I learned in three step three that I'm going to make a decision to turn my will of my life over the care of God as I understood him and now this here means exactly what it says for ten because the promptly admit something that doesn't necessarily mean I'm gonna probably admit it to myself although I could do that or it doesn't mean I've going to promptly admit it to you but what it means though is that if my life is in alcoholism and it has to be treated then it has come from where I came from in an understanding or an awareness about why they would have the steps in the order form they're in and why step two says what it says. If I'm going to come to believe in something other than me and this here is going to restore me to holdeth our sanity or soundness of mind then for me to live in 10 so that i have a daily living life then it's certainly i can't produce this daily living light and i can think with the right action or thoughts by myself so it must mean that i promptly admit it to god then i can maybe admit it my sponsor and maybe to you if i have done damage there or needs to be done that way. But to promptly admit it would be to recognize it instantly or in the process or when I'm doing whatever it is that I'mdoing that I shouldn't do, because the inventory is all about now about defects of character. Now, in the inventory on page 90 in your in your step 10 was I was taught this by a repetition for a long, long time. I couldn't accept it and I had to keep being presented with it I had to keep reading it I had to keep hearing it I had to keep showing me showing me and showing me because it says in here something that I couldn't understand or couldn't buy as far as what it says it says in here it's a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed well at the time I didn't know what an axioma was but it says this it is a spiritual axiom that every time we every time we are disturbed no matter what the cause there is something wrong with us now I had to learn before also about using the pronoun plural or singular so I have to change this a little bit see and so it's a spiritual axioms that whenever I'm disturbed no mater what the cause there's something the matter with me now this is a pretty hard pretty hard thing to accept for me it was I don't know about you but for me because I'd be trying the best I could to do the right thing. I'm meeting well, and I'm not drinking. I'm going to meetings, and I'm doing the right things. And I'm bringing home the paycheck all the time, and I've been trying to be who I should be or who I believe I should be anyway. But something keeps jumping up in front of me all the time. Something, my ego comes, my alcoholism thinking. I'm working with somebody, and I don't like what they do. I don' t like the way you drive a car. I don't like the way you even get in a market sometimes and you stand in front talking to somebody and won't let me pass there's something the matter but I don' t think it's me so a spiritual axiom now an axiome I know that I don''t have to display to you when I'm mad you'll know I'm bad when I get mad I don'T have to tell you I'm not and I believe each one of us are built like this because we only go so far and then we put our foot down one way or another. We display displeasure. We display something because you acted up wrong. Even though I want you there you still acted up wrong and so the axiom now would be a spiritual axioma of me getting so damn upset that I'm blaming you because I'm upset. You've done something that you shouldn't do and now I'm feeling it. I'm feeling it and yet you did it I think but it's wrong the trouble lies inside of me now this is a hard distance I had a real difficult time with this this went on for some time because there's no way that I could buy this because I'm such a good guy and I'm doing so well and I am crediting my life to helping people and to doing this and doing that but every so often though something happens and when this something happens I go nuts and so I don't look inwardly, I look outwardly. I don't look anywhere else other than what I see. I just don't consider me at all. And so step ten to continue to take personal inventory means exactly that because to look inward, to see me for who I really am and what's going on but have the self-honesty to know that there must be something that's wrong inside internal this is where I could find it now because I'm way past now I'm up in step 10 that doesn't mean that there's been ten different steps or nine different steps ahead of ten it does mean that in a sense that I had to learn about a great deal of living so they don't have to live like I have lived and and that means again now that step 10 will guarantee this day to day that even the known defects of character which I listed in four and I shared in five and accepted and then I went in six and I was entirely ready to have God remove them all even when they come back I'm going to know why they're back I'm gonna know why they're there and what I'm doing plus the fact that I've got now something else I've gotten the idea now that I can be wrong when I'm right because I demand to be right when I am wrong I can mean well and I can have a head full of good knowledge good readings, good everything and I am still going to think cock-eyed I am sill going to demand something out of life instead of trying to learn how to accept life or accept the conditions that I see or accept you for what you are no matter how how you are step 10 is a step now that I had to learn major factor in this here step 10 was that I could do new things with no reference to the old way and these new things are wrong I also can find out that to promptly admit something means exactly that admit it to who the minute I have a relationship with a power greater than me the minute I call upon to help the minute that I want to be different that I want something now from a power greater than me then I better admit it there instead of trying to admit it to self or instead of waiting till tonight or tomorrow or till whenever it bothers me so great that I have to do something about it I can have a cleaner brain today because step 10 says that I can't have it now I can've it now I don't have to wait till I go to bed tonight get on my knees and ask forgiveness for something I did during the day I can actually honestly have a living God in my life today because in the next step the next step is where it all comes right to the head right to where I should be right now this minute right this minute step ten you can go on with ten but it's all about what I'm talking about now about not doing the things that I'm doing when I'm by self defects of character is what step 10 is talking about old and new also about the spiritual axiom that whenever something disturbs me no matter what the cause there's something wrong with me something to matter with me that keeps me centered in where i belong in my life looking inwardly not outwardly not blaming not looking not trying to even and i can consider you whoever you are now differently than I would have before this here information was given to me. Because I can adjust my life according. If you want to act up, if you want to do what you want to do, I still can be who I should be, not who I want to be. It says in here, whenever we fail any of these people, and what they're talking about is how in step 10 through defects of character through selfishness through the old the old me all the time how i'll demand offer you whoever you are unreasonable demand even those we love we can show kindness where we had shown none with those we dislike we can begin to practice justice and courtesy perhaps going out of our way to understand and help them now see 10 I already went through seven and seven was where I had to learn how to give and not be a taker we talked about it here I think seven was a little longer than some of them and so in ten is where I get a chance to live a life daily live a light daily with a continuous inventory that will show me when I'm upset why I'm up the true meaning about how I'll say something to you and start to hurt you and then I have the ability now to back off to change it to ask forgiveness to correct it to tell you I'm sorry I didn't mean to say that I said it wrong I did it wrong I got carried away and I can genuinely do this and I do do it but it frees me I don't know what it does for you I have no idea but I do know that this is your daily living process because on page 85 when it tells me that I'm not cured of alcohol is what I really have there's a daily reprieve contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition that means exactly what they're trying to tell me in 10 and help me understand exactly who I am and it's your reason why I have to promptly admit it and far as I'm concerned it says promptly admit it to God but that isn't the wording but this says that to me you know 11 step 11 is that sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood him praying only for the knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out step three says in there that I'm going to make a decision to turn my will and my life over to care of God as I understand as I have understood him now in this underline it says as I misunderstood him then in 11 now there must be an importance here there must быть something really here because it says this it says sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God as I understood him and it's underlined the same way as it is in three praying only for the knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out the biggest the most the most asked question that I've ever heard about this or myself was what do they mean by sought through pray and meditation to improve my conscious contact with god because the word sought is a word that I I never you know actually I don't think I ever I don' t believe I ever used that word in my life sought I would use words like seeking but I don''t think I use that so I don ''t refer to that as something that's it's there for a certain reason because it's a never ending thing it's a thing that I'm doing continually each day because I've been taught now that this daily reprieve now is a daily repieve only and it says in here that I'm going to have to seek thought through prayer meaning that I am going to have to be doing prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact my conscious context is my life in AA as I live it not as I sleep it but as I leave it so as I wake up as I am here right now there must be some kind of a connection here there must something that's necessary for me to understand not to understand to be aware of something that I am going have to look in a little deeper than what I think it means because I was so quick to just say that it means get on your knees in the morning and then maybe at night and then may be during the day sometime too possibly if you can make it. And things like that because that's an attitude that I took when things are going alright I don't even have to consider step 11 when I don' t have any problems when things aren' t pressing on me when I'm not in trouble of any type or anything else like that there's no reason to seek God for any reason I don't think so but that isn't a quarrel or something that I'm doing to myself deliberately or openly it's an attitude it's like closing the book and not picking it up again for another week see it's just like I've done this I don' t have to do this again I know what it says I know it's there but I don''t know because of the fact of who I am and what the disease is and if so consciously to some that I can seek through prayer and meditation so that I have a relationship for my life as I live my life not as I sleep it as I'm going through this day all day long I have to have a relationship with the power greater than me so that i have a sound mind and all of this now is coming in now see in the steps i found out that there's 12 steps but there's 11 of them that's needed for my life to change the character that I am and this here step now must mean more than what it says here that I understand because why would they say this here if it says praying only for the knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry that out when before I would pray to God and I would ask God to help me get past something or to achieve something or get rid of something or whatever it was and so this here was a prayer that I offered but after I offered it then there was no more relationship there was no relationship nothing continuing from there until the next time that I asked God for to come in to help me or do or whatever the petition was and so forth and so I don't understand now that all day long as I live my life that the disease of alcoholism, if it isn't treated, see, then I'm going to have to be who I am because the relationship I'm using that day is a relationship with me. I'm gonna use me to decide when I should ask God for help or when I talk to God. And this here is what the program of recovery is. It's all about this. It says so on page 25 in your big book and it talks in there about the things that I need and starts on page 17 in the solution and it talked about how we can agree with brotherly and harmonious action that this is the solution for our disease that we can disagree upon this and what are they talking? Agree upon what? Sobriety, being sober, not drunk? No way. No way but they're talking about what step 11 produces for each and every one of us This is the solution that I can seek God, as I understood him, to do his will that he wants me to do, not that I want to do. And so the relationship now is built there for my life. This isn't a question of how many meetings I'm going to go to and how much I'm gonna read. That's all part of the package, sure it is. It's like staying sober. That's a requirement. so to try to for me to try to get the best that I can get for my life because I'm here for me as an alcoholic with alcoholism this step here must have great importance they all do every one of them do but as each one of them happen to make a change in character so that my life changes so that I benefit so that I can have these things that are necessary today that God wants me to have in a relationship now for my life that's when my life is really important because I don't know what a life needs today to make it important, I haven't got any idea, but I know though way down in 3 when they were talking in 3 that when step 3 is given a determined and persistent trial the other steps can be practiced with success that's what the wording says in step 3 and now I'm in 11 and 11 is just now becoming something that's more than just a prayer at night time a prayer in the evening or whenever it's becoming more and more of something else because this is the hook up this is where I can have now in the meditation I can had the quiet time I can a brain that's empty of me I can use ideas I could have occasional hunch I can have the guidance and direction and the strength of something other than me that will make sure that as each day comes and goes, I'm all right. All right means I'm out of the rat race. All right mean that I don't have to hurt you or me and die because of it. So through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God, praying for the knowledge of His will for me and the power to carry that out. That's as I understood Him. understood him as I'm coming in the 11th step man I know a great deal about God I was introduced to this power in two and I was shown exactly in three and also in five when I admitted to God and to myself I admitted to God something about me and then I had to believe and accept that because I just got through talking to something that I said in three that I'm going to make a decision that turned my will and my life over to his care. And I'm going to bank now on doing now the right thing for my life so that I can have all things that God wants me to have. This is a program of recovery now I'm talking about. This is about 12 steps. This is About Step 11. Step 11 is more than just a few pages. It's more than just a couple of times. It's a relationship with a living God. it's something that I need with me constantly, consistently daily the very best I can and I've told you before I give it 100% of what I got some days I only got 10% but I'm going to give God all that 10% I got in other words I'm gonna try the very most I can do the very least I can do today so that I can do his will and he'll give me the power to carry that out the assurance is there for me all the time in the beginning it was doubtful in the beginning I had great troubles I had big troubles there was things happening that I couldn't believe I didn't think they should happen then they got serious they got worse three and a half years my wife died in four days she was dead I couldn't believe I just couldn't buy it I couldn'T even see her in a casket it would kill me to even look at her to think that that could happen to somebody instead of me laying there she's laying there and yet though through prayer and meditation through constantly, I couldn't even sleep in a bed for months but through the trust of going to a power greater than me and trying the best I could not to go backwards not to get into the grief into the memories into the tragedies of yesterday I slowly but surely each day God kept adding a little more to my life only because I wanted him to only because i asked and listen I got here I had no power in my life other than me I gave no desperation prayer to no God at no time before man I've been here 39 and a half years now you don't think for one minute that's the grace of me you don' t think for 1 minute I came here to study 39 and half years because I could make this life happen I can't make it happen I still can't do it but there is the process the method in step 11 is where it's a seeking thing it's an ongoing process through prayer and meditation meditation I had to find out was quiet time whenever you do it you don't have to do it in the morning when you wake up not my book you don' quiet time could mean anytime anytime that you believe anytime you feel anytime you think that you need more than what you got need to have help strength, guidance, direction that's after five minutes, two minutes half an hour, any time, I don't care what it is but the idea about that is it's a daily function it's an ongoing process it doesn't say I'm going to do this in the morning and then at noon I don' have to do it and then six o'clock I don''t have to and then tonight I have to it doesn' mean any of them things at all I think leaven is a very hard step to accept for most alcoholics because this is the step now that when you're sitting down or right here right now and you're not in trouble and you are not looking at any tragedies and you haven't got you've got bucks in your pocket and everything else what would you need to seek God for that was my attitude all the time my attitude was I learned in seven in step seven I use God like a bushling pinch hitter to be called upon only in emergencies to be recognized when he's needed the rest of the time I'll take care of everything but when I call upon you God I want you there and that was an attitude I used in all of my affairs didn't make no difference it was a relationship with somebody whether it was buying something acquiring something having something didn't mean no difference the honesty the self-honesty in this step here I think it's a growing thing I think it's the thing that has to be open for me it has to be open I have to talk about it I have to relate my life to God all the time about my thoughts what I'm doing I'm up my old tricks forgive me I need help here I don't understand this would you be here according to your will could you be with us tonight even Lord it's a relationship I'm seeking all the time the best I can the best I can whatever that is without any judgment criticism if I miss the mark here and I'm aware of it I'm going to pick up on it the relationship says I can do that the relationship with God you know in 11 they have the prayer from St. Francis of Sisi you know about about Lord make me a channel of thy peace and he goes on and on and you know and in here they were smart enough in here when they wrote this here is that he talks in here it says next came the expression of an aspiration and a hope for himself he hoped God willing that he might be able to find some of these treasures too this he would try to do by what he called self-forgetting what did he mean by self-forgetting and how did he propose to accomplish that see these are the things that I had to find out in Alcoholics Anonymous is because when I read something and I hear you say something and I see words of all types and I've been this way for a lot of years is that self tells me that I know what you're talking about I know I know what I'm reading I understand and self does that to me all the time because you take the word like alcoholism. See, now, for a long time, I know a great deal about alcohol. There's no doubt about that. But I don't... And I think I have alcoholism, but I don' t know what alcoholism is as a disease because I don''t know it other than the word. Well, I find out that there''s a lot of words like that that I use in my life or I read or hear that I don ''t pay any attention to. And I don.''t pay attention to words like self-forgetting for your self-righteousness see in any of these other words i don't take them any farther than what they are as they as you read them or hear them and say them and so there's much more meaning behind this if i go a little farther and that's what i found out i had to do i had to use dictionaries for words because one word the explanation of it all would be sufficient maybe for somebody but not for me because it doesn't help me one bit in my living life so that I benefit from that knowledge or recognition of what they're talking about because this started out when I couldn't I couldn t explain away my behavior after I was sober some years I couldn' t explain why I turned the other way violently viciously to somebody I love even now let alone a total stranger and so I don't look any farther than that because I don' t think I need to look any farther than that I just look at it as something I shouldn't do so it might be a defect of character maybe I can just pray that away something like that but what I'm talking about now I'm talking about something in my head that controls me today and will stop me dead in my tracks from having the life I should have because I'm so damn smart so that I'm so convinced that I know exactly what's needed and where it's needed and everything about it just because I know the words and there's a lot of words in AA and we can hold meetings on these words even and we could discuss them and talk about it and I do it on a one-to-one most of the time and it's words like acceptance it's words like surrender these words I know these words believe me I don't but I don t know in the world that I live in to benefit from them that would help me or improve my life I know him just as a word and so I'm easy about things I surrender sure it's like a yes proposition I surrendered but I didn't surrender my life I didn't surrender when I go out and I meet somebody out there that does something I don't like the acceptance isn't there either because I won't accept it I might have done that one place but I won' t do it every place so this here business now is self-forgetting in this prayer St. Francis of Assisi was talking about I've had to find out a lot of things about what they're trying to tell me about here as a way of life and there's such a thing as self-sacrifice self-SACRIFICE meaning giving up self for somebody else or for somebody else's benefit that's a difficult thing to even understand or try to understand or try to hear even to be able to walk this day trying to do something now and be somebody that I don't even know who it is and how to do it but yet though the method now that we've been going through in these steps has done exactly this it's allowed me now to think less of self to do other things and not sit there like you're sitting because I'd sit there like you are sitting now and I would feel guilty because somebody up here is talking about something that they're doing or did or should do that I do also. And I'm feeling guilty not because of him or her but because of me. And yet though the program of recovery is talking all the time about the things that I should do and the things that I shouldn't do. In this book here 12 by 12 there's on every page that I know of anyway from page what 121 to from 21 to 125 is where the 12 steps are. And it's all about that. And yet, though, I think that I'm so smart that once I get through these steps and once I go through going through a process or method of listening to somebody or reading that that's all that's needed. And now I'm armed with everything I need to be armed with and so I don't have to hear any more of this what's going on and this here what's gone on is becoming boring that I am sitting in a meeting and I could be somewhere else I'm sitting in the meeting not listening to what's goin' on and my brain is tellin' me this and I'm talking about me not talking about you and yet though this here is telling me something here's going to save my life going to add to my life going to give me a life that I desperately badly need and yet I'm going to regulate it and say I know all of that I don't need to know that that's for them that's not for me I don' t do this they do that and that's an intelligent thing that I use in my brain to excuse my behavior and this here believe me This here is a way that alcoholics, with alcoholism, I know. I know, I work with many, many, literally hundreds of them. This is a function of the disease. That's not the function of The Alcoholic. That's the function, that's why it's called alcoholism. Because it's a living disease that's in your mind. It's something that's there and it's already established. It does the same thing consistently. and when you're in this step here is it telling you right now about the way it's worded, about what it says it says it here sought through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact what do I need a conscious contact with God as I understood him why would I need that this is step 11 this ain't step 1 or 2 why would I need them now when I've been sober so many years I've read so much is this something that I do once and I don't do again man these are thoughts and questions that I had to find out for me I don' t know if you need to know this but this is something now that isn't in a few pages this isn't just in page 21 to 125 this isn' t on this page here see this becomes a method of living a way of life so that they're not numbered no more this isn't step 11 I'm talking about really these are principles spiritual principles that if I will do this if I would pray only for the knowledge of his will asking God for his will and the power to carry that out what is his will I found out way down way down in 2 and 3 exactly who God is and who I am why the disease is in my head it's not in your head if you say so but it isn't there because I say so it's in mine because I say so it's my life I live in my head I need this help this ain't preaching this is understanding or trying to be aware of something that's there here and I'm here for that reason this isn't a social function I belong to the Elks I belong to VFW I belong to a bunch of places legions and everything else that's a different place we go there to have dances and dinners and stuff like that we come here to learn how to live so I can go dancing and diners and other places so this is a life that's important to me I have to I have the I have learned I have lived this life you know I don't I tell jokes I know jokes by the thousand I really do this ain't no joke it matters this is about something that's needed right this very minute for me as an alcoholic I got alcoholism I've got to have to learn how to keep this alive from the time I wake up and the time I go to bed the very best I can because it isn't a question now of making so many meetings it isn' t a question of rehearsing or remembering or trying to relive yesterday hasn' t anything to do with that it's all about today it's not it's about doing God's will today it's also about the twelve steps as an application as a performance that stopped being numbered. They're going to stop being numbered in the next step. They're gonna change in the second step. In the next step. But this step here, I think there are certain steps for me that had a great impression on my life in AA. They're all important, every one of them aren't. But there's certain ones that affected me more, gave me more, allowed me to be somebody more than I ever could before and this is one of them. The other one was free. and the other one was seven but these were so but they're all important I'm not putting any importance on one step more than the other I was afraid to ask a long time ago I was scared I was worried to tell you whoever you are it doesn't make no difference who you are I was afraid to ask you how to pray how to do things differently how to see when I couldn't see and how to act when I could not I was afraid to let you know, and I mean this sincerely from my heart. I thought that everything I did made me less a man in your eyes because of what I had to do and thought and needed. And then there came a time when it got too bad. I had the help. And where did I get this help? I got it in rooms like this from alcoholics like you people. Somebody that was interested in my life, not interested in my alcoholism as a drunk or as yesterday's living but today's life to help me get through this day-to-day today, not last week, not tomorrow but today, what is it I need to do and they would tell me, each and every one of them that the relationship with God had to be there that's where the beginning is made this is in all my affairs all of my affairs is everywhere I am doesn't make no difference wherever my brain goes my alcoholism goes I need God everywhere I go because my brain is full of alcoholism I can't trust it I can' t use it I have no success with it this is an ongoing thing that came to light in me for me in step 11 it's offered down below but it but it came to life in step 10 in step 12 you know in 12 another couple of minutes we'll have a coffee break okay we'll start 12 the 12 you know the wording of 12 is the same thing again it says having had a spiritual awakening well having had it must mean that it's already happened it has been and step 12 is they're in a numbered form so step 12 would mean only that I have learned how to keep I have learned how to keep a method going it says having had a spiritual awakening is the result of these steps step 12 is referring to 11 steps it's not referring to itself it says so it says it's already happened having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps we tried to carry this message out all I can practice these principles in all our affairs and I had to stop there and I have to learn something about what's going on and this is what was going on was that the spiritual awakening was something that I didn't know anything about I didn' t understand because of I guess because I didn''t understand the church or bible or prayers or God or anything else like this so a spiritual awakening really I thought it probably meant religious awakening I suppose is what it was but the spiritual awakening was that I didn't know that way down below in the steps as I first started them out they're talking about spiritual principles this book 12 by 12 in the beginning in the foreword it talks in here it says in here that A is 12 steps or a group of principles spiritual in their nature which if practiced is a way of life can expel the obsession to drink and able to suffer to live happily and usefully whole they're spiritual principles so when I got into 12 it says having had a spiritual awakening I didn't hook up the idea behind the process or the method that was being introduced as I was going along now and that was started and that really did start only in step 2 and then when it started when it decided going in 3 and then the 4 and 5 I didn' t understand that there were things happening to me that I was starting to put down things and I also was starting to become aware of things, to have a spiritual awakening meant exactly the opposite of who I was and the way I lived because it always meant something that had a basis behind it. It had something there that was coming from somewhere of proving that you can have something to benefit by. Something good is going to happen instead of something bad. It's something that's already established. It's already there for me the only thing about it is that it's a continuous thing so I can have a spiritual awakening right this very minute right this every minute I can read something in this book right here and I've read this book and studied this book for years and I still can read I still do read pages that all of a sudden it has new meaning jumps right out at me I all of the sudden read something that I need for my life today it helps me today that's a spiritual awaking so it is a spiritual life and it's got spiritual principles in it and it's all based on this because I couldn't read and I couldn' t understand why they would say what they said in 12 when it said having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps now the result of these steps because they're a method of living it's a way of living it's not a way of reading something to get past something and then change back to yourself or be yourself or allow yourself to do as you please it isn't it isn' t that is the disease the disease The unmanageable life is living a life that I think I can make happen and it should happen by my way. So we'll let it go right there. I'll tell you what, before you have the coffee break, Dave, do you want to say anything about these tapes here? I'm not trying to get through it to end it or, you know, to get past it or anything else like that. step 12 is really a step that the reason for this step I had to find out is that this here saying yes it says having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps now the result of these steps is a living thing it's a change of character it's way to live differently and it's the way to do something differently because it says we tried to carry this message to alcoholics But here's the importance of what it says to me. It says this, that we tried, I tried, to carry this message, this message. Remember, this message. What message? The 12-step message. That isn't my message and it's not your message. It's already there. It was put in print. It already established you can't take anything from it and you can put anything with it to make it work any better any longer or anything else to it you can modify it you've can't bring anything with you as the alcoholic to do anything differently so that you will have something differently from it from what they're doing so the wording of this we tried I tried to carry this message to alcoholic this message meaning exactly the words of the program recovery is the only thing that I have for my life today and up to this very minute I don't have anything different in me than when I first got here other than the program of recovery in its entirety meaning that the power is there from two the God is there and so forth and it's like a closed circuit again now as long as they stay in the message this message then I can have that life and I can be that character that it produces and then it says and to practice these principles in all our affairs all of my affairs practice these principles what principle there isn't one principle in any one of these steps they're they're implied they're explicit for what they say but there is no principles until it's applied in other words I must live this life to have these principles and all of my affairs now this is very important now because I'll tell you why I got a brain that could not hear this now I can read this and I can hear you say it but I can't hear this for living I can hear this to use to my benefit it's like the rest of what I went through as far as the steps are going now because now I can read this and I can hear you say it but I can't hear this for living I can here this to use to my benefit it's like the rest of what I went through as far as the steps are gone now because this year is step 12 in a saying words in here now now when they said principles they didn't say steps practice these steps and all over of my affairs they didn t say that it says principle then it says it two more times after that and I think that and I believe that it's got some importance there I think, and I know this, I believe this and know this, that it is true because you see all this time I keep reverting back to the alcoholism I keep struggling, I keep having days and problems and I keep having adversities and everything else like that and yet though it's not, in your big book is talking here now it says many of us exclaim what an order I can't go through do not be discouraged no one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles not steps principles we are not saints the point is that we're willing to go along spiritual lines the principles we have set down are guides to progress we claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection you see I had to have a sponsor that sat on my brain and pounded it in me and pounded it in me that I can't get this from reading this by myself honestly God can't get it I just didn't get it see and it took a long time because I kept referring to steps as what was wrong with my life as I live my life daily I was always referring to something like step four why I'm like I am is because I didn't do step four properly or I forgot or I need step four and so this year now for me it is it's an awareness this is part of the awareness that I need to know because of what Alcoholics Anonymous is and why it was written and why the word living in a world out there sober that I couldn't live in that world it was turning on me, it was hurting me there was people out there hurting me there was things changing out there that I could not accept there were things going down that made me think and act very badly and yet though I came here to get away from that type of living and I was told about this type of living because this here book here 164 pages and Dr. Silkworth in the beginning is talking in here Dr.'s opinion that alcoholics drink for the effect they're restless, irritable, discontent until they drink again then they're not restless, irritable and discontented and the program of recovery says that I can also have the daily reprieve that I could have more than the promises on the bottom of page 83 in the step 9 and now we're talking now here about the 12th step and it changes now the step does change the program changes the whole method changes they become principles to practice in all your affairs they're no longer numbered they're not they're now no longer considered as this only this being wrong or that being wrong I was talking right just at the coffee break to somebody here and we were and he was talking about about in step 11 and about how to how to get in the day and how to how do you you get caught in your own will and how how do yo know God's will and man these are things that I that I had the same questions the same problems the same everything but you see I was always trying to do the right thing according to what I could understand or what I thought was needed and I never once took the meaning behind the purpose or the direction or the way of life that the twelve steps produced I never ones thought that I could believe in something other than me I never did I honest to God didn't know step two for what the purpose is there for and I didn't know that I kept referring to my brain when I'm sober I keep referring, I just got off my knees talking to God. And I keep referring to me to find out what it is I should do. So I talk to me. I self-talk all the time. I softalk today. I go into my brain and I figure things out. The right way? The wrong way? Do it this way?Do it that way? All kinds of things go on in my brain. Never once do I think that there's a power greater than me that I could actually honestly genuinely call upon for something other than what's there I never honestly it seems wrong but it's not wrong, it's right and so when I get up in 11 there and I'm trying to do something in 11, I'm tying to figure that out myself because what are the words they say in step 11 see sought through prayer and meditation to improve improve my conscious contact with God as I understood him praying only for the knowledge of his will for me and the power to carry it out not my will for me not when I'm looking at dollar bills and bank accounts and possessions divorce whatever it is because you know what my mind says to me my mind will say the same thing it always does says to be do it this way you can get more out of it you can buy with it you can con them you can lie to them you can cheat a little here you can steal a little there you can do many things because I'm going to the wrong source of supply I'm growing to me and yet that same me now could be anything else in my life other than what I just got through describing it could be a job, it could by a guy I'm working with it could bei a relationship with somebody it could bi anything and everything about my life in all of my affairs but God is needed in all my affairs and the principles meaning the truth is also needed and where am I going to find this truth how am I gonna recognize this truth when I can't produce it how am i gonna have it but you see there is something now we've been talking about there is something happening so that when you do get in trouble you do see somebody maybe in a casket heaven forbid but say it did happen say you did have to get divorced you did have to lose your property your money so that you didn't have to lose your life over so that you didn't have to go in a day and be so terrible that you'd have to kill yourself, get drunk or lose your life over it this is what it's about it's so involved this here is so involved about living that this little tiny book here only half of it is for the steps that this would satisfy or take care of or supply what's needed for each and every one of us no matter who you are and what walk of life you come from and I don't care what sex you are either because it fits you like it fits me if you're an alcoholic with alcoholism and I do not care what your problem is either your problem could be many things other than alcohol because it says that in the book here and it starts right off with that too so then what's my other problems my other problem is that anything that creates in my life disturbs it makes it unmanageable hurts me, hurts you this is what it's all about regardless it could be it could be smoking even whether you believe this or not I'll tell you it's the truth it could be eating I'll tell you it's the truth I'm talking about me right now it could be about anything at all it's not just about alcohol it's not it's about a brain that controls your life it makes the world you live in a world you can't live in and you're not drunk it makes a world that you can't live in so that no matter what you do there's pain and suffering there's failure I think that I've been cheated I thinkthat I can't make it I think I should have something better I think you're wrong that's not the way I don't live like that today I don' t need to live like that today and I won't live like that today according to the program recovery and through God's grace but this is something that I have to do this isn't something I can do for you this is a sponsor I had talked and told me and showed I'm going to show you a way of living where drinking isn't necessary I'm gonna take the bumps out of the road I'm not gonna I'm just gonna show you something so you don't have to trial and error it this way works every time this will never fail it's already proven it's all ready established you don' t have to add anything to it take anything from it all you have to do is do it live the life that God says that you can have it's already established that's why there are 12 steps that's where they change in the 12th step practice these principles in all of our affairs 11 I'll tell you what we could do next week next week we could open a meeting up next week if you want to and how we'll do it is that we can talk about this is that you know damn well I've been places where it's been pretty serious it's has been pretty hard but that's only because I say that that isn't what God says that's my way of saying something to you about what happened to me and yet my Lord says that that's not so I'll take care of you don't worry I'll replace anything that's needed and it's happened to me all the time this happened to me over and over and over and over never ending but it's only because of the day I'm in with a method of living that takes me from self and not only does it take me from self it allows me to give of self the giving part is never up to my judgment the giving part is already established in the process of steps whether it's a kind thought even a kind thought for another person that seems to have trouble whether it is doesn't make any difference it makes me a better man in my eyes and God's eyes not yours and this is something that's needed because when I got here I didn't have these things I was a taker I was an abuser a people abuser situations I wouldn't recognize you for any reason at all other than what I thought I wanted out of you this is bad this is a bad way this is an unmanageable life I'm talking about this is the life that caused me to drink this is a life that I've seen people lay in the caskets that took their own life because they couldn't go through another day of hurting harming people and themselves and yet though they didn't know that they didn' t hear that they thought it was always something else it's their turn in the bottom of the barrel it's there it's your turn to lose it's not your turn to lose I accept this life on God's terms not on life's terms I know that the promises in this book here came true for me the moment I allowed God in my life for my life this here is something now that each one of us I believe each one has to have an individual personal relationship which comes through the application of steps because step 11 says that to me and if it says it to me it must say it to you if you're an alcoholic like me with alcoholism because all we're talking about all the time is a daily living process contingent on the maintenance of my spiritual condition spiritual condition doesn't necessarily mean church it could mean that but it means a lot of things that are already established in the program recovery so that the character change I've got to remember this I cannot forget this and believe me this what I'm telling you right now isn't coming from yesterday's reading that's not coming from yesterday's application it's not I read daily I study all the time not for you but I study because my life is important to me there's some of you guys around there's one, two, three, four at least four or five that know what I'm saying it's true I don't need to lie I don' t need to exaggerate I don't need to prove myself to no man on this earth no man but only by the grace of God not by my grace this here I don' t know about you but I do know me and I know when I get out in the world that I'm in out there there's too many people out there that I' m going to have to deal with one way or another sometimes it's direct sometimes it' s not even not even knowing them getting near them and they affect me if I stay in the disease of alcoholism I've got things inside of me that keep coming up all the time they keep bothering me if I give it energy it's there all I have to do is get the thought process going about self about you about the way things are going and I think they should go another way and this whole business now about these 12 steps is all about how to live today so that it isn't necessary that's not needed and it's not there not there means that I'm not living that way I'm living this way I believe there's two worlds I know there's only one world but there's 2 concepts there's the concept that I come from meaning self the other concept is God's world which is what this book talks about all the time it's something now that I must hear over and over again I don't know if you think I'm repetitious or something I am, I have to be because I have the disease of alcoholism that will fly right out the window just quick as that I'll revert back to myself and I'll do the same thing that I did in the yesterdays and yesteryears and I will do the same harm over and over and over again this is important it really is I wish to think we could we will if you want if you wanted if you wants to talk about say a certain step a part of a step a meaning of a step an application of a step where it's needed how it's needed and why it's needed if we're not talking about being drunk what are we talking about this has nothing to do with being fallen down drunk this ain't nothing to do with bars this ain'T nothing to do with bottles it hasn't got a damn thing to do with it in the first place the first step that's only mentioned in the 1st half and it's never said again and they're talking about something entirely different now we can talk about that and the more you talk about it the better awareness you would have like I would have like with tapes you know I listen to tapes all the time I don't care whose tapes they are either but the reason I do that is so that this information that might be needed for me I'm not blocking it I'm NOT stopping it I'm Not over watching a movie somewhere I do watch movies but I'm not over there 24 hours a day I'm reading because my life needs to have whatever is necessary because it's God's will for me it's not my will for me my will said don't read that read that but you see this here is all about me coming here for me because there's something wrong with me looking inwardly all the time seeing always my life never yours never, never I don't care what you say is wrong either I have to hear it as often as you do I have read it as often as you read it as often as you do and I have to do it as often as you do or I don't have it either I had a sponsor that was really a good man he stayed on me and pounded on me and stuck his finger in my nose and kept it there for a long period of time and I still didn't hear but eventually and finally God kept opening doors up for me kept putting certain people certain words, certain pages certain phone calls and all of a sudden I could do what God wanted me to do and that's what I wanted to do all the time I want to be the man God wants me to be He gives me the power I can do exactly that spot on that you know when I was new in AA oh man that's the worst thing you know I really believe that you know what else they said they also said that steps 6 and 7 were the same thing and I believe that too see I really did until another man got a hold of me and rattled my cage you know it's not a question of maintenance my God just stop and think what the word maintenance means maintenance would be to continually take care of something the same way it is just keep it going that way just maintain it Man, there's no way an alky could live like that. There's no ways that you and I could go through with 10, 11, and 12 for what they produced back some years ago. I can go back a long time ago. You go back 39 1⁄2 years ago, that's a long damn time. And do you think for one minute I'd want to live and think and act and be and have everything like it was 39 1ᄏ years ago? Do you think I'd wanna maintain my temper, my screwy thinking, my anger and hostility? Do you think I'd want to maintain any of that stuff? Because it was all there. It was all here, every bit of it. Maintenance would never work. In the first place, step 10 says what does it say? Continue to take personal inventory and when I'm wrong, promptly admit it. Continue. Doesn't mean you do it and you maintain it. Continue means exactly what it says it said. And the same thing with 11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve my... Not maintain it, to improve it. improve my conscious contact with God as I understood him praying only the knowledge of his will for me and a power to carry it out and then Jesus in 12 boy how would you like to have to live like that when you first start out with the beginning of 12 what message would you have what principles would you add see if you had to take something and you only knew one principle that's okay for one day but I don't want to maintain that I want a lot of other principles that belong there because I need a lot of other principles as I live my life because of the spiritual progress that's demanded off of me in a performance that I'm going to give today. I start out as a baby at it, yeah, but I'm certainly not going to stay there very long if I continually seek God's help so that the spiritual principles will go into days, into weeks, into months, into years and that progress now will be able to include more of the world I live in. Boy, that'd be terrible for somebody to think that they could live with 10, 11 and 12 and be satisfactory for their life and have to maintain that that wouldn't work I don't know if I'm misunderstanding this but conscious contact does that mean from the time my eyes are open in the morning throughout the entire day you bet, you bet in all your affairs how do you maintain that consciousness that's what it's talking about you seek through seeking through you've got you're in step 11 you've already have 10 steps the 10 steps are produced in spiritual principles each one of them are there's a method of living in there that if you will do this this way this will produce this if you'll stop doing whatever this says to not to do defects of character when you made a list of them it says this it says that you must make a list right that's step 4 it's the first tangible thing you're going to do even step 5 says you admit it to God to yourself, admit it to yourself when you wrote something what it means is exactly this what you wrote, it must be you you must believe this you must accept this what you write about wasn't your neighbor it wasn't her wife the way she acted, it was your defects of character right? and if you share them with another human being which is part of step 5 there's a process you're going through now to open up yourself so that you're not a moral leper so it's not an immoral inventory it's a moral inventory it's obligations that you have been failing to do and you're doing something now you shouldn't do this here business of cheating lying, stealing envy, jealousy impatience all that them aren't immoral inventories so this is you're making a list now of who the character you are and the way you live and think and act and then when you go into step six when you're entirely ready to have God remove all of these so what do you think is happening to you you're doing something about the character you're in, you're living a different life method of living, you are starting now to get away from self, to expose self, stop doing self and then seven says that you can go to people and God, you can actually now, genuinely now be a giver, not a taker so what you're doing, youre seeking through prayer and meditation to improve your conscious contact with God because you're calling upon God to do your living life with you, to help you, just strengthen you, the guide to direct you. So you're doing something. If you attempt to read steps and not apply them and you don't call upon a power greater than you, I'll guarantee you, you'll never change. I'll Guarantee you. You'll do again today what you did yesterday. But this idea behind us now is what step 11 says because step 11 is where 11 to 1 is where the whole character now changes so thought through prayer and meditation is a living process a living God it's doing something today that maybe you don't want to do maybe you're going to have to self-sacrifice maybe you are going to start giving somewhere where you never thought giving was needed maybe it would be your wife your neighbor, your kids or anybody maybe another driver on the freeway maybe just a kind thought whatever it is improves your relationship with God takes you away from self allows you to consider that there might be a heavenly father there might me a lord there if you don't seek him how would you find him how would know he's there consciously seek him, consciously do this this is something that that we're not even referring to religion. This is strictly a performance with spiritual principles behind it. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those that trespass against us. These are spiritual principles that produce the life that's there. This is more than staying sober. This is less than just going to a meeting. this is nothing about drunk-a-logs or about how bad they are out there this is all about in here I'm going to seek God to improve my conscious contact it's a living life I depend on God man, you go through some of the stuff I've been through with cancer you better have a God in your life you go in there and they tell you you're dead you better be a good person you better not have a god in your life you go there and let them radiate you 35 times you better have a God in your life you go in there and you take chemo for 9 months lose all your hair you better have a god in your live and then to turn around and to think that I could be a selfish SB today treat you any way I want to treat you and my heavenly father just saved my life no way no way this is the living life of the living God Are we about wound up here? What time is it up there? Let's do it. Can we close with a large prayer? Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread, and forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and over and over. I don't want to hear it. It's not that bad. It works. It works, but it doesn't come to that. It doesn't work, but you don't need to do that. I don' t believe in this place.