Step 1 – Wilson House Big Book Workshop Retreat – Part 4 of 25 – 2023 – Jessica S.

How about the serenity prayer? God, grant me serenety to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Thy will not mind be done. I really enjoyed this from last year, so I just want to kick it off with this. if, um, if you already have a solution, if you don't need to learn anything, enjoy. Right? We got some, we got some good stuff here. If there is a chance that your spiritual life could grow a little bit or that you might find something that might help somebody else, uh, then you're absolutely in the right place because it happens to me every single time that it's not just when I'm up here. It's not just when I'm in the firehouse. It's when I am with any of these people, whether it's one or many of you as there are. Man, the circle just gets bigger and bigger. And I absolutely trust you with my spiritual safety here. And at this point in time, I'm going to introduce you, let your speakers introduce themselves rather, and tell them a little bit about yourselves. Well I'm Jeff, I'm an alcoholic Jeff, alcoholic sober today by the grace of God in the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous and I want to thank everybody here today for having us it's a great honor to come up here and speak this weekend at the Wilson House something I never thought I'd be doing from where I came from and how I drank, it wasn't having people around me like this wasn't something that I wanted in my life and it definitely wasn't nothing that I was striving for to have a group of fellowship with people like this in my life. So I just want to start off the meeting with the set-aside prayer. That always helps me. So I'll start, and you can repeat after me. Dear God, please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself, about my disease, the big book, the 12 steps, and especially you, God, so that I may have an open mind so I may have an open mind and a new experience with my disease the big book the 12 steps and especially you God please help me see the truth amen and like Jeff said it's an honor and a privilege to be asked to speak at an event like this and thank you so much for sharing your weekend with us and you're all here because you're seekers right So I started going on retreats right out of the gate, not even knowing I was going on retreats. The first retreat I went on, my sponsor came into my apartment and was like, throw some sweatpants in a duffel bag and get in the car. And I was like why? And she's like don't worry about it. And I'm like okay. And then I get inthe car and she drove out to the Berkshires and we went to my first Eastover. And Iwas like it was hundreds of sober people. It was like sober spring break basically. And I was like, I don't know, maybe 30, 40 days sober and I was traumatized. So welcome if you've never been on a retreat. If this is your first retreat, will you just raise your hand? Wow, there's a lot of you. Welcome. Welcome to the Wilson House. This is an amazing place to be. The first time I came, I came on this same retreat at the Wilson House, and I was just blown away how cool it is to be here at Bill Wilson's house and have all the history. And think about all the alcoholics who have come through here. It's really, it blows me away. This is just, we're so lucky to be a part of this fellowship and this program. And there's no, anywhere in the world you can go and walk into an AA meeting and feel at home and with your people and I've heard there's people from Boston here tonight. I heard Jeff's sponsor call them last week and was like, there's like 30 people from Austin coming, a lot of them from West Roxbury and Roslindale. And I was like thank God my people everywhere I go I find my people. So you want to start us off Jeff? Sure, you know Jess had a, I had a completely different experience with coming to Alcoholics Anonymous than Jess did. I was a couple years sober before I really got into AlcoholicsAnonymous the way it's supposed to be done, right? Get a sponsor, join a group, do all these things because I was full of fear and I definitely wasn't doing any of that stuff. And I didn't even find that out for a long time. But powerlessness, right? When I started drinking it was for effect. It was because something happened when I drank that I felt like I actually was a part of. Like I was one of the guys because up until that point in my life there was this glass wall between me and the rest of the world and I had no idea how to get on the other side of that glass wall I didn't know why I felt that way or what that looked like but what I did know was that when I put booze in my system the glass wall wasn't there anymore I could hang out with people. I could have fun with people I could talk to other people I was funny it was a good time and it just wasn't that way before that it wasn't a good times I felt like I was always picked on I felt I always had the clothes that nobody else was wearing there was this store Bradley's that my mom used to bring me to And, you know, I got blessed with the mother that had the worst taste in clothes. And you just, you Know, I would get clothes at the beginning of every school year, You know, and some at Christmas. And so you'd get two pairs of jeans, a pair of sneakers, And a couple shirts at the end of the year. At the beginning Of the school year. And it was always the wrong thing. it was never the right thing because it was never what everybody else was wearing you know and that was that was the problem right that was the problem is that you didn't accept me because of what I was wearing because I didn't have your shoes I didn' t have your clothes I didn''t have the right haircut I didn ''t have everything you had you know and that's what I was really looking for I was looking to look exactly like you and be exactly like you so that I could get accepted because that's where that glass wall was, right? That was the acceptance that I never felt like I had but the first time I drank and not the first time I really drank but the first time I got drunk because I had a couple beers before I had, you know, hung out with my friends and we went camping in the woods, drank a couple beers. But that wasn't like the first time I got drunk, right? That wasn't, like, I didn't really know what getting drunk was like. So here it says, men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. And the first time I drank, I really got drunk. It was me and these two other kids from the neighborhood that we hung out with. And we had a bottle of whiskey. I remember a couple of things from that day because we were drinking during the day. And it was, we had the bottle. And then I was completely drunk. and I was on a bike and I fell off this bike and then I got in the back of a jeep and then I ended up on the other side of town and they opened up the back of the jeep and I felt like I fell out of the Jeep that's the extent of what I remember from that day after half a bottle of whiskey my first time getting drunk but what I really remember from that date is that the kids that opened up the back of that jeep thought it was funny that I fell out. They thought it was funny that I was completely hammered. And the kids that I drank with thought it awesome that I drink as much as I did, as fast as I did. And they thought it hilarious that I riding this bike around and falling off. Right? And that is what I really remembered. I remembered that feeling that gave me validation and acceptance. And that's what I was going to chase As long as I could get it from people, you know. And I chased it for, you know, the next eight years because I didn't, that's how I drank. I was a blackout binge drinker. I wasn't, I was drinking for effect every time I drank and I didn'T get to drink 30 years, 20 years. I didn'T have kids. I didn''T go to college. I barely graduated high school. Like I was looking for effect every time. It was, I used to drink and I black out every time I drank. And I couldn't, for the life of me, I couldn'T figure it out. Like there'd be a Super Bowl on, World Series, some game, some event would happen. AndI'd be with my buddies and the next day they'd be recounting all these events that happened. I'm just like, man, that is amazing. How do you remember that if you're drinking. Because I can't remember anything. Years, you know? And there was a point at which I didn't have a choice. I had to get sober. And after I was sober for a little while, I started drinking again because it just wasn't my time. I, you Know, I had to get so because of the courts and I started drinking again. I wasn't blacking out and I was like, this is what it's like. This is incredible. This is amazing. And, but that was a lot later on. you know, after I started drinking I was completely powerless over alcohol and I knew it. You know, there came a time when I would not drink on purpose because I knew if I drank, I wasn't going home. I wasn'T going to work the next day. And I probably would end up in jail because that's usually what would happen for me is I would drink for three or four days. The only way I would stop is if I ran out of money or I was in jail. That's the only way I could stop drinking. So I just wouldn't drink. Not because I didn't want to. not because the obsession wasn't there. It's because if I drank, I knew something bad was going to happen. You know, I was completely powerless over alcohol and I couldn't do anything about it. And I knew it. I absolutely knew it, but I just couldn't stop drinking. There was this time, I remember, I was sitting there and I was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich at my parents' house and it was just me in the house and I had this peanut butter and jelly and I have a large glass of milk with me and I take a bite of the sandwich and I drink some of the milk so I could choke it down and I got about halfway through the sandwich and I couldn't eat anymore and the only thought that came into my mind was if I just had some booze right now I'd be okay I'd able to eat I'd get on with my life and that's so sad it's so sick that that's where I came to that's what booze brought me all because I just wanted to be accepted by people that's what I needed to do you know and that wasn't that wasn' the only time that that happened but that was a very distinct memory that I had where it was like you know I know I'll be okay if I just drink I know I can't drink I know I'm a mess but if I just drink I'll be okay you know and it happened various times like I remember my drinking was just I was a mess I had this bottle smashed over my face one day one morning right because that's how I drank I don't know about anybody else in here but that's it was in the morning it was like you know six o'clock in the morning and I got You know, a friend of mine calls this nurse that we knew to come over because I'm a mess. And she's like, you've got to go to the hospital. Like, I just need you to go get me a 30-pack, right? Like 8 o'clock in the morning. Like, you just need to go do this for me. I'll hold this rag on my face and we're going to be okay. You know? I just needs more boots. and man it's like time and time again that's what powerlessness looked like for this alcoholic you know no matter what was going on in my life I was drinking good, bad or indifferent didn't matter whether there was a cloud on the horizon or all hell was breaking loose I was drinkin' no matter what it wasn't a morning drink, it wasn'T an afternoon drink, IT wasn'T a night drink, It was a drink all the time no matter what. And I thought, I thought I was managing well too. You know, I thought I would be able to drink the way I wanted to drink. I thought that my life was okay because I made different decisions throughout that time, that allowed me to drink a certain way so that I wasn't that bad. You know? There's there's some things that happened in certain times. I thought I was a genius and I was like I said, I'm a blackout drinker and all I'm doing is drinking beer and I'm drinking beer too fast. That's why I black out, because I drink beer too fast. I like beer. So what I'm going to do is I'm going to switch to whiskey, because I hate the taste of whiskey. I'll drink less whiskey. Obvious. Completely obvious. Brilliant decision, right? And so the first night I did that, I was at a buddy's house. And we went out to a Halloween party and black out again. And I woke up right before I hit the telephone pole. It was like, I don't know what it is. There would always be these situations in my life. It didn't matter how much I drank or how drunk I was or how long I had been blacked out. Before anything bad would happen, I'd always come to. And it was like there's a telephone pole, boom. And I'm like that's my best decision, right? my best decision got me my first DUI, you know, and I thought I was brilliant. And, you Know, it says in here and more about alcoholism, how can such a lack of proportion, the ability to think straight be called anything else but insanity? You know, and curious mental phenomenon that parallel with our sound reasoning there inevitably ran some insanely trivial excuse for taking the first drink. Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check. The insane idea won out. And it's like, time and time again, it was just these ridiculous decisions in order so that I could continue to drink. And the idea that I could control my drinking was insane, you know. And that would happen in all areas of my life, you now. And it just got me to a point. Like, when I first came to Alcoholics Anonymous, I didn't think I could identify with this unmanageability idea because I didn' t identify with anybody more about alcoholism, right? That wasn' t me. I wasn' d some guy driving to roadside bars. I didn''t retire yet. I didn't have any of those things happen in my life yet, you know. Especially when I came to Alcoholics Anonymous because when I became to Alcoholic Anonymous I didn t get a sponsor. I barely got a home group and the only reason I went to another meeting because some girl told me that the Saturday night meeting was going on in Brazi and that you should show up there. And I was like absolutely, you now. And so thinking about unmanageability and how my life became unmanagable didn't happen for a really long time. You know, I couldn't identify with that fact. I knew I was powerless over alcohol. But my life unmanable? No. And then I started to see situations like that. I heard people speak and I listened and I started to identify with the fact that I changed all these things in my life so that I could, in order to drink. I pushed everybody away so that I could drink. It didn't matter who you were, what you did, if you were in my wife or not, as long as I could drank, I was going to be okay. you know and um it was it was really sad and i didn't think at that point in time i thought i was doing all right i didn t think it was sad i didn d think i was hurting anybody but myself so why don't you just leave me alone you know when people would talk to me about it you know my mom would talk to me my dad really didn't want to have much to do with me at that point in time you know but uh my mother would try and try and talk to me about getting sober and friends of mine and I couldn't do anything you know so I'm gonna pass it over to Jess. So for me like it says here um in the doctor's opinion it talks about the manifestation of the allergy here and it says here on 26 we believe and so suggested a few years ago that the action of alcohol on these chronic alcoholics is a manifestation of an allergy and that phenomenon of craving is limited to this class and never occurs in the average tempered drinker. These allergic types can never safely use alcohol in any form at all and once having formed the habit and found they cannot break it once having lost their self-confidence their alliance upon things human their problems pile up on them and they become astonishingly difficult to solve so for me like i grew up in marazi i'm a marazi rat and um i have two older half sisters and a younger sister and i couldn't wait to drink like in my family everyone's a heavy like alcoholism is not a thing in my family everybody's an alcoholic but they don't call it that you know what I mean as long as you don't do drugs you're fine in my family like that was the message in my household and every time I would get arrested I would call my brother-in-law who was a Boston cop he was an undercover narcotics officer he would immediately come get me and he'd be like Jesse just stick to the booze like the rest of us stop doing the drugs and you'll be fine And I'm like, all right, I got it. I'm going to do what you say. You know what I mean? I got It. And he'd get me out of whatever trouble with the magistrate, and I'd sleep on my sister's couch. And then I started drinking with them because I tried. I started out like everyone did. We all stole booze from our parents. We'd pour it in a Pepsi bottle, mix it all together, and drink it in church parking lot and get shit-faced. and it was a good time. I thought, this is what everyone does. Who doesn't do this? There were no kids in school that weren't doing it, so I thought this was the normal thing at 12. And we'd all get drunk before the Catholic school dances behind the Cub Scout house, and it wasn't a bad thing. It was like a good thing. Everyone got drunk before the Catholic School Dances. And so I loved the effect alcohol had on me. and like everyone was drinking all weekend like my family was a boating family and it was like we were members of Dorchester Yacht Club which is like the redneck yacht club and uh so it's like you'd go down Saturday morning and they would just drink all day I don't think we ever left the dock you know what I mean because everyone was hammered all the time and like now looking back I'm like I guess there was a problem with alcoholism in my family but you don't realize it because that's just the culture I mean that's just our Christmas party to this day is at the South Yacht Club you know what I mean like we go the day before Christmas Eve and they all start drinking it too and the kids bowl and the adults drink we show up sober now with our three kids for like an hour and it's like good luck God bless Merry Christmas good to see you all and they don't even remember if we were there or not and that's fine you know I mean that works for them but the difference between them and me You know, all three of my sisters are heavy hitters. You could shake my family tree and a bunch of empties fall out. But the difference between them and me is they can show up to work on Monday. They can showup to their kids' hockey games. They can shop for the people in their lives. I, on the other hand, could not because what became most important to me was that next drink or drug. I woke up in the morning. My feet hit the floor in the mornin', and all I cared about was where I was getting the money to do what I needed to do to not be in pain. And you know, I was thinking about when Jeff was talking like, I remember being like, even before I drank at 12, maybe like a little bit younger. I remember my aunt died and I grew up in a family where you're not allowed to have emotions because it makes other people uncomfortable. So go upstairs, get your shit together and then come back downstairs and be normal like the rest of us. And so I didn't know how to deal with that when she died and so I started smoking cigarettes it's funny I never really thought about this until he was talking and um I was I was like a relief seeking missile as a young young kid like anything to make me feel better and as my life progressed like you know I got into all sorts of stuff and um it honestly doesn't matter if it's like oxys or oreos I'm addicted like I have that personality that it's like, I have the disease of more. You know what I mean? Like I'll make anything a problem. Like sometimes he's like seriously, what's wrong with you? And I'm like, what's right with you that this isn't a problem for you? Like, I remember at one point I was probably seven years sober and my sponsor was like, listen to me, you can't have Oreos in the house. Like this is a trigger for you. And I am like, this is when you know you are sick. Like I'm, like, so sick. I have to do so much work. But I have that allergy. And I remember, like when I came into AA, like this concept of I'm not a bad person. I'm just like, I don't know what to do. I'm a bad kid, like my family told me. Like, I just have an allergy. Just like someone has a gluten intolerance and they can't eat gluten. Like if someone says to you, like... You know, you're allergic to gluten and you're going to get sick. Don't eat glutton. What are you gonna do not eat the glue? What am I gonna do I'm gonna eat the gluten do we need to go of course you bring the girl from Boston Well, anyways. All good? All set? Okay. So I remember my sponsor, Jen, used to say all the time, like, if you told someone that had cancer that all they had to do was go to a meeting a day and do a little bit of work on themselves, these halls would be packed. You tell an alcoholic they just got to go to a meeting a day and do some work on themself, and it's like a whole other situation. We have that physical allergy, that phenomenon of craving. I had to get rid of that idea. My whole drinking career was me trying to learn how to drink like a lady. I just wanted to be like my sisters. like I wanted to be the one that could just show up like that I could go out and have a good time with everyone but then like when I needed to show up for life I could do that I just like wasn't able to do that I tried so hard I tried all the things I was like saving bottle caps in my pocket so I could count at the end of the night how many drinks so I knew what drink it was like I remember when I came I started coming to AA when I was 16 years old and I remember like it ruins your drinking so if you have kids that are drinking bring them to a meeting is it like immediately ruined my drinking I went from like not thinking I had a problem thinking that I was drinking like everyone else even though like alcohol poisoning was part of my story early and then I went to I remember going on my first CA meeting and then I remember going to a keg party like recently you know not far after and thinking to myself am i drinking alcohol is this not normal I'm drinking as much as this girl like obsessing about whether or not I was an alcoholic and let me if you're obsessing about whether or not you're an alcoholic let me save you the anxiety you are you know what I mean like I spent a lot of time worrying about whether or not I was and how I could not be one and I tried really hard all the things all the safeguards like I'm not going to mix these two alcohols that's a bad combo no captain and coke like tequila is not good for me like and none of that worked and you know I it's you know they say it here like um they're restless irritable and discontented unless they can again experience that sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks drinks which they see others taking with impunity I was so jealous of all my friends that could like drink and then show up and um you know I it was like for me it was like the express train to AA like I drank you know through high school or whatever and then like at 15 I fell in love and this kid was into these pills I had never heard of and um it turned out to be a horrible thing to pick up right at the right out of the rip you know i went from literally just drinking to doing oxycodone and so it waslike my life became unmanageable in days. I mean, days because they were already daily users. All I knew is that at three o'clock after school, they would pick me up and drop me off, leave, and then come back and get me. And I felt left out. It's like Jeff was talking about, like, I just wanted to be a part of, I didn't care what you were doing. Just don't leave me home. I don't want to be left out like loser. Like I want to go. I want To be a Part of the fun. And, um, you know, they, They thought they were protecting me by not bringing me. And I was like, I just want to go. I want to be a part of. And little did I know, that ruined my life. My life went so crazy so fast. I mean, my parents immediately were like, out. Get out. I don't care where you go, but it's not here. And I started staying with friends' parents, and it was crazy. and my life became unmanageable so fast but the problem was I couldn't understand that I was powerless. I thought I was just a bad kid, you know? I thought i just was depressed. I mean they had me in therapy. They had me on all this medication. I was on so much medication by the time I was 16 years old but that was the solution. You know, they didn't know what to do with me. I had rage. they couldn't control me it's like what do you do with a kid like that put them in therapy give them drugs and let's hope for the best like and it didn't work for this alcoholic unfortunately and um you know I had that phenomenon of craving because now I have this raging opioid addiction and um so I I worked jobs that enabled me to keep up this really expensive habit and but I also I also didn't want to let my friends know what was going on so I had to keep up this facade of like being the party girl drinker so it's like even though it would make me physically ill to drink I would like get up in the morning and get high and then at night go to the keg party and drink even though It was making me sick because I didn't want my friends to think that I wasn't drinking anymore because I was doing drugs I didn'T want them to know I was doing the truck. And it was like this crazy, fake life that I was living, you know? And it talks about here, like they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. And that's where I was getting, like my life got so crazy and I had so many stories going with so many different people that I didn't know what was going on. You know, I just knew I couldn't be me. Like I was so afraid no one was accepting me for me. Nobody wanted me. You Know What I Mean? I was living out of my car with trash bags at such a young age and um you know it just got like I got to the point where I started coming to AA I came to my first meeting at 16 I had um I had there was four of us that ran together in high school and uh two of them would do like the spin dry situation you know so they would go to detox and they would come home and they would go do a program down the cape and then they would like do some other crap and then they would come home with like this brainwashing. And I was a friend that would show up to the program after they'd been there for like 60, 90 days with a 30 rack in the back and drugs in the console and gauge like how serious this program had affected my drinking partner. And like sometimes they would be like, let's go party. And it'd be like great. It's going to be a great Friday night. And sometimes I'd have to drop them off and find someone else. But I remember like one time my friend came back from Emerson House or something and she was like, we need to go to a meeting immediately. I was like, fine. So I drive her to this meeting, St. George's in West Roxbury. And it was like Boston meetings are so big. So it's like this massive hall, big round tables, and everybody's like 80. And we were like 16. And I'm like, dude what are we doing here and she's like listen to me you have to let go and let God oh my god you know like how long is this gonna last and so she would sit up front and cry and they would fill out a big book everyone all the ladies would write their numbers in a big book and give it to her and everyone was giving her hugs and I would sit in the back like every five minutes going outside to smoke a cigarette coming back in I didn't want to talk to anyone don't look at me, don't touch me. I don't want your phone number. I'm not going to call you. I don' t want your help. And so I would just like take them to meetings. We did NA, we did AA, we didn' t rational recovery, we did some IOP, some opioid addiction thing. We were doing all these things all the time. And then I just didn' T get it. I knew they had a problem and that was unfortunate but I was like, I know how to drink. You just don' T know how to drink you know and um so it took me a while like i didn't get sober until it was 20 it was like four years of this in and out you know when it talks about in here like this phenomenon of craving develops they pass through the well-known stages of spree emerging remorseful with a firm resolution not to drink again this is repeated over and over unless this person can experience an entire psychic change um which was explained to me as the obsession being removed and accepting God, you know, and there's very little hope of his recovery. And this is what would happen for me, like I'd go to AA for a little while, I'd get a sponsor, I get a job, and I'd get a home group, I got a job in the group, I'd be, you now, where I got sober in Roslindale, like they were always doing AWOLs, and i was doing an AWOL at the time, and that just means a way of life, and you just go through the steps in 14 weeks or whatever. And then we would have like some other step meeting in some woman's basement and um you know we just i kept doing this i would do it with them you know but i i'd have a bad day and i'd drink or like something in life would happen that i just had no coping skills for and i would drink and i just i just couldn't not pick up when when shit hit the fan like i had no coping skills because there was no god for me there was no god there was no like people would talk about like this you know maybe there's something more like you know you need this one feels that something more than human power is needed to produce the essential psychic change like I wasn't interested in that part of the a program I would hear people talk about God from the podium and I was like no thanks like I was a recovering Catholic I don't need to hear about God here you know I got arrested drinking in the church parking lot and the church tried to press charges no thanks and so like I couldn't understand you know I just couldn't get it and so it was like years of this in and out like this as soon as that phenomenon of craving what happened for me it was a freight train nothing was going to stop me no sponsor no friend no AA meeting nothing was gonna stop me I was sneaky and I was out and um you know and then I would feel like trash and I'd come back to the meetings get another chip and I had a sponsor that would put me on tour so like every time I relapsed I had to get a chip at every single meeting I went to because she wanted everyone in the meeting to know that Jessica needed help you know Jessica needed extra love and um for me it was just like so it just felt i just felt like trash you know i just felt like rash every time and so finally got to the point where um i had like almost a year of sobriety and i think i had 11 months and there was a christmas party it was on my 20th birthday and i was like i'm not gonna go you know I went to this women's meeting in Dedham I think it was Adam or Westwood on Tuesday night and all these ladies were going to help they were helping me make a plan so that I wouldn't go to this Christmas party I'm not gonna go I'm gonna drive this kid back to college in Connecticut so I'mnot even in the state you know I'm going to call my sponsor and check in and if I do like somehow go I'll bring this sober girl with me that had like nine months of sobriety whatever so all these safeguards in place and um you know it's like I'm driving down to Connecticut and he's going to have fun. Like he's not in recovery. He's going through a frat party that night and I'm instantly jealous. Like I'm jealous. And so I drove like a buck 20 on the way home to make it home just in time to catch my roommate, to go to that party. I didn't call the sponsor. I did call the sponsored to let her know that I made it home to catch Courtney, to go the party and then shut the phone off and then didn't pick up that girl that was nine months sober, you know, but I'm not going to drink because I have almost a year of sobriety. I have a home group. I've got a job in the group. I'm doing all the things you people are telling me to do, but I'm going to the Christmas party because I'm not missing out, you know, I had just had that fear missing out and I get there and it's like the first person that offers me a glass of wine. No, thanks. Someone offers me a beer. No, thanks. Someone offers me a madras. That's my drink. How can you say no? There's no people here from AA. Nobody's going to know. I'll just have one, and I get my chip in a month. It'll be fine, you know? And it's like I have that one drink, and I finally got it. Like years of sitting in meetings and hearing the old-timers say, it's the first drink that gets you drunk. No, it's not. It's like the 12th, you know? It's not like, no, friends. You can't have a drop. And my sponsor, Pauline, used to say to me Jessica you can't chew your booze you can sniff your boo's you can't drink your boo you can smoke your boo like no mind-altering substance period that's it no marijuana like I'd be like it grows from the earth you know I can't sleep at night so I need to take NyQuil or Benadryl or Zequil or whatever like every ailment I had a medication for that was not prescribed to me and she was like no no no I don't care if you get your teeth pulled you're not getting Percocet and I'd be like what you know but that's how it had to be for me it had to be very black-and-white because this alcoholic like you give me an inch and I'm taking a mile period you know all I need is anything to trigger that allergy and all bets are off for me and so I drank at that party and I don t know what happened for three days after that party. I have no idea where my car was, have no idea where I was, all I remember is going to Brookline Tuesday night again, getting a 24-hour chip again, and all these people know I'm about to get a year. And it was so humbling to have to do that. And I didn't even tell my sponsor that I relapsed. My way of telling my sponsor was just getting up and getting a 24 hour coin. It was like she would just look at me and be like dude I'd be like and she would tell me like this step one the principle is honesty and I'd Be like I just couldn't do it you know and she was like you will never get this until you learn how to be honest with yourself and another alcoholic you're not gonna get it and I'm so lucky she didn't give up on me because the sponsor before her I remember Like, I was doing this in and out with her. And I called her one time and told her I was, like, going to date this kid, blah, blah. And she was like, no, you're not ready. Call me when you're ready. And she hung up on me. And I was like what? Like who does that? You're supposed to help me. Like who fires sponsees, you know? And she did because I wasn't ready. And I Was wasting her time. and i needed someone to set a firm boundary with me because i'm a user i use people i'm selfish and self-centered in the extreme and uh you know it's all about me all the time and i i couldn't see like this woman who had given me so much of her time and I just kept going in and out like it was a rotating door like I thought like you might die from this disease but I know what I'm doing I'm definitely not gonna die like yeah I might have to get another coin but it's not life and death for me and then i started having friends dying all the time and then it starts to change your perspective on things when you're going to a ton of funerals and um so i finally understood what it meant like i remember sitting in that meeting after getting that 24-hour chip and just thinking to myself this is what they're talking about when they say you're powerless over alcohol like i had all these safeguards in place i wasn't gonna drink and i went to that stupid party and couldn't not drink like something's wrong with me and I finally understood like my brain's broken and I need help and so I was finally at a place where I was willing to do whatever this woman you know was going to tell me to do and I remember saying or like I get it now like I get it I don't know why it's taken so long and that wasn't like the worst jackpot I ever had like there was way worse stuff that happened but it just wasn't enough it was just the stupidest night being out just being like oh my god this is what they're talking about when they say your power is over alcohol like i i couldn't not drink even though i didn't want to you know and um the shame and the guilt from that it's like i was finally ready went to have like whatever experience i needed to have to not be in that pain anymore you know and um so let me flip over to page 30 here so it talks about this was like the problem for me the idea that somehow someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker that's the difference between me and my sisters who are just heavy drinkers they don't obsess about it they're not at their desk on Monday thinking about what they're gonna drink on Friday but I was I was worried about where I was gonna be you know what I was going to do and um that's what kept me out like when I was in and out all the time I was so worried about missing out and not being able to be a part of and like how am I not gonna drink at my wedding like I didn't even have a boyfriend and I'd be like how am I not going to drink at my wedding you know what I mean like I can't not have the champagne toast that's just ridiculous and like that that's the thing though that's what makes me different between a non-alcoholic you know and um you know it there's so much in these readings it's like so hard to cover so quickly but um you Know The Insanity That Happens Here I just laugh. I had a lot of old-timers with old-school sobriety, and so they would just throw one-liners at me all day. And for years, I had no idea what they were saying to me. It's like years later, I was like, oh, that's what that means. And I remember Billy Dee saying to my mom, and she said to me all the time, Jessica, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. And I couldn't comprehend what those words out of his mouth meant. You know, like he would just say that to me. He'd be walking by me at a meeting and he would just saythat and keep walking. And I'd be like, he's so crazy. What does that even mean? You know? And now I laugh like that. I couldn' even, I was so crazy that I couldn''t even understand what a simple sentence like that meant. And now it's like you, you know, it's like whatever, it''s like they give you examples and examples, and more about alcoholism, about insanity, like I just gave you, you know, about having all these safeguards in place and not being able to not drink. And it says, like, whatever the precise definition of the word may be, we call this plain insanity. How can such a lack of proportion of the ability to think straight be called anything else? You know, and that was the thing for me is that's what they kept trying to drill into my brain. Like, your brain is broken. there are wires that are not in the right spots and so you like cannot make a decision in your own best interest and I just didn't understand that because I thought this was a matter of me not being willing to stop drinking I thought it was willpower you know what I mean like I just thought I wasn't strong enough I was like too weak or I didn't really want it you know I didn't understand that it was, I needed something more to help me. And you know, on page 42 it talks about the freedom from surrender. So it talks here with the, you know there's some, this book is full of promises, prayers and warnings, right? And over the weekend and I hope to point some of them out, and I'm sure so many of you are probably incredibly familiar with them. But for people that are not as familiar, it says here at the bottom of 42, quite as important was the discovery that a spiritual principle would solve all my problems. I have since been brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying and, I hope, more useful than the life I had lived before. My old manner of life was by no means a bad one, but I would not exchange its best moments for the worst I have now. I would no go back to it, even if I could. You know, and I remember, like, when I came into AA, I had no idea how insane my life was because I didn't know anything else. And I thought that was just how everyone lived. Everyone's life was crazy. Everyone has drama and chaos. us. But I was literally creating my own shitstorm, you know, and I just couldn't get out of it. And I couldn't even fathom this idea. Like, I heard people talk about an AA like living differently, but I just didn't know how you got there. You know, I just Didn't stick around long enough to really figure it out. Honestly, I didn't stay sober long enough. And I would hear this in meetings, you know, being brought into a way of living infinitely more satisfying. And it's like, what does that even look like? What does that ever mean? You know, and more useful. And my life before I came into the halls was just so selfish, and so sad. And I hurt so many people and didn't even realize it because I was just selfless. So selfish, I only thought about myself. And I didn't see how I was affecting others until much later in the process for me you know and um I remember hearing people say all the time like there was this guy in my my home group I was in Dedham Village and he used to say uh you know like he he would just talk about how grateful he was and that he wouldn't trade like his um his best day out drinking he wouldn'Trade for his worst stay sober and um you know when I came into this program I came in here with rage I was so I had rage as like a child and all you know all throughout my drinking and when I come in here and you took away my binky and my bottle now I have zero I had no coping skills before I started drinking then I started drinking and drugging and felt like that was helped me calm down and now I have no coping skills and I did not know what to do with myself like I was so mad all the time the only emotions I knew were anger and like that's it like I didn't really have like a range of emotions I didn t come from a family that emotes I come from an Irish Catholic family that like there is no emotion you know what I mean it's like you laugh or you're screaming like or Or there's silence. Like, that's just it. And it's still that way, you know? And so for me, like, I came in here and I didn't know what to do with myself. And it was hard. You know, it was so hard. And you don't hear people talk about the rage a lot. And it wasn't hard at all. And it felt like a real challenge for me to learn how to just sit in a chair and keep my mouth shut, you knows, and to ask for help. Like, it WAS SO HARD. You know? It was really hard for me admit I was powerless. it was really hard for me to admit my life was unmanageable and I didn't want to talk about it and I did not want to ask for help about it but I had to you know my life it got to a point where I had to I had to ask her help so that is enough out of me how are we doing on time so since my life became unmanangeable um you know my life wasn't I can't say my life was manageable before booze but my life became unmanageable because of booze and um you don't like excuse me um because I drank for a fact I didn't really care about who I was hurting or what was happening in my life as long as I could get booze in my system and I just remember everything I used to do was in order to continue to drink It didn't matter if I was hurting my sister or I was hurting my mom or my brother or my dad. And it was just, what decision can I make in order for me to continue to drink? You know? And whatever it was, I was going to take that route. You know, and for a long time I'd sacrifice anything in my life to do that for a long time my dad didn't talk to me you know, I lived in his house and it didn't really bother me that we weren't talking or he didn't walk he didn' t talk to I would walk in the door and I'd look at him and he'd say hi and then just continue doing whatever he was doing you know, 16, 17, 18 years old living under his roof and I'm really not talking to the guy. I'd be gone. You know, I hit 18 years old and I'd been gone for three, four days over the weekend and my mother would call me on a Monday morning or a Tuesday afternoon or whatever it is and just, hey, how are you doing? Great. Okay, just calling to make sure you're alive. I was like, okay, I'm alive. Bye. I was, like, wow. I didn't understand what that did until I got sober. What that was like for my mother until I get sober. What that is like for father until I go sober. You know? That's devastating. And it took me a long time to realize, like I did all that because I really hated myself you know I made all those decisions so that I could continue to drink because at a certain point in my drinking I just hated who I had become and I hated myself for it and you know I just remember I talked about that time when I got that bottle smashed over my face when I was drinking and I thought like you know just another day out drinking you know and uh i walk in my door my dad's door to his house and it was like a sunday saturday morning whatever it was and he just looks at me and he's like my dad would never swear either right he'd never i probably hear heard that guy cuss maybe like three or four times my entire life even to this day and uh I walk in the door and he looks at me, he goes, what in the F are you going to learn? And I just broke down crying. And I didn't learn. He took me to a hospital. This is the kind of relationship we had at that point in time. He took us to the hospital. He took him to the emergency room. He dropped me off at the front door. And then after I got stitched up, about five hours later, I called him and him and my mother came pick me up because I'm not really sure who it was at the time. It was probably my mom. You know, because he didn't want a lot to do with me. I really think the only reason I was living at that house was because of my mom. And man, it was just insane thought after insane thought that would put me in those positions and my father would just, and my mother, she would just look at me and disgust. and I would continue drinking because of that. And I wouldn't show up at home because of that. And all that time, I was just completely powerless over another drink. My life was unmanageable. And these decisions that I would make in order to keep drinking because I wouldn't have any money. So what I would do is I would take it, this is when you still had envelopes at the ATM I would just take an envelope and I'd deposit it for $100 with nothing in the envelope so I could get $100 and I could go drinking because I couldn't work. I couldn'T work because of booze So that's what I would do to keep drinking. I'd pull up to a gas station, and I would fill up my tank and drive off. And then I'd come back a couple days later when I had money so I wouldn't get in trouble and be like, oh, I totally forgot to pay you. Here's the money for the gas. And those are the things that I was doing in order to keep drinkin' one day at a time just so that I could feel all right about myself. Because at that point in time, it was no longer about being accepted by you. It was no long about all those fears that I had growing up. It was about getting booze in my body so that I could feel okay. So that I would eat a sandwich. So that, you know, I was able to function a little bit because I was shaking like a leaf on a tree. because I had just completely damaged myself from booze, you know. And I just couldn't, I can't think about a time where it was like, you know, I hear some people from the podium or speaking and they say I had a great time drinking, you Know. And I used to think that too. I used To think I had A wonderful time drinking. I had so much fun drinking. And now that I've been here for a little while, I realize I didn't have fun. Because the way I drank, it was all about effect. And it was also about that phenomenon of craving. It was all when I cracked a beer, it was all drinking that one to get to the next one. That's how I identify with the phenomenon of a craving. Because I literally did that every time I drank. I'd crack a beer, I'd take a sip, and I would drink that as fast as possible so I could get to the next one. I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and I'd hear people talk about the obsession. And I'm like, no obsession here. I never had the obsession, I always had something. I always was obsessed with alcoholics. I always said something. It didn't matter what it was, but I always had something to alter the way I felt. I didn't have the obsession, I always had something. You're not going to have the obsession if you always have it, you know? But it was tough. It was tough when I came around and I started realizing everything that I had done to the people in my life in order to keep drinking, you know? And would you like to say something? No, I was just... At the end of 43, it says, The alcoholic at certain times has no effective mental defense against the first drink except in a few rare cases. Neither he nor any other human being can provide such a defense. His defense must come from a higher power. and I remember like towards the end of my drinking I remember, I was in college I got sober my junior year of college I think I remember towards the edge of my drink and sitting at a bar it wasn't even fun anymore I was sitting at this really sad bar in Newton called Buff's Pub and it was like a Tuesday night so it wasn' t packed I was there for the wings and the beer, the cheap dollar draft night or whatever. And I just remember thinking to myself, I didn't want to be there and I didn' t want to drink, but I couldn' t stop. And I remember reading this with my sponsor one-on-one and her saying my defense had to come from a higher power and that nothing was going to stop me. And I think, like, for a while, I thought, like... If I could just pick up the phone before I picked up a drink, like they said at the meeting, you know? If I Could Just Reach Out For Help, maybe it would stop me, you Know? And sometimes it did, you Now? Sometimes it did work when I would pick up The Phone and I wanted, you Knew, I wanted to drink. And then sometimes I would find myself drinking and just think, It's too late to call now. Like, I'm already drunk. It's like, what a waste, you kNow? and it's it's crazy like when alcohol has you in the you know in its grips and I remember like you know I my best friend was getting sober at the same time as me and I Remember like we were always like like neck and neck sobriety like she'd get time and then I'd come in after her and then she'd go out and then I'd go like never together but always like around each other you know and I remember reading this chapter and thinking like this is her you know this is you know I could always relate it to her but never to myself like I could never apply it to myself and I remember like in reading about the jaywalker and stuff I'd be like that's her you know and I remember like sitting there explaining it to my sponsor like this is her blah blah blah and she was like this is you dude and um I would be like no I don't know why you're saying that and she's like you know I would change my friend group so that was like my thing is you know I wanted you to accept me and be friends with me but then as soon as I felt like you knew that I might have a problem with alcohol or like drugs I'm like I gotta switch groups you know and luckily I lived in the city so that was like real easy to do so at one point I was a goth at one point I had cornrows like and I was the Haitian sensation and like at one time I was like hanging with the powder puff like they were like cheerleaders that played football I don't know it was like I would just like change my friend group that was my solution you know what I mean like I as soon as I start to feel like I might be the problem then it's like I would just change my friend group so that you were the problem and no longer me and so like when we when I was reading this with Jen and like reading this this part about insanity and like the jaywalk and I'd be like that's my friend and she would be like oh my god I don't know when you're gonna get it like you're the problem like take all your friends out like you're the problem you know and that's like how insane my thinking was like i i just like couldn't get it you know when you know i felt like like it talks about in here it says like in some circumstances we've gone out deliberately to get drunk feeling ourselves justified by nervousness anger worry depression jealousy or the like but even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened and I remember like that was that was my like war cry you know like anytime anything happened I'd break my nail and go out and drink you know and I'd be calling my sponsor with a sob story and she's like you always have an excuse you know she'slike I'm so tired of listening to the excuses and um shoot I'm lucky I'mso lucky like I I am very fortunate that when I came in here. The women that God put in my life, I will be forever grateful for because they saved my life. They gave me so much of their time. I mean, I remember after like one jackpot, my mom dropping me off at this woman Pauline's house and this woman was going through chemo with no pain meds for kidney cancer. Her husband had just had an affair and left her. One of her kids had just tried to commit suicide and another kid was like coming, like coming out. And she was like cool as a cucumber. So calm, so serene. I thought she was on drugs. She was not. And I would sit there and just whine about all this horrible stuff that was going on and why I drank, you know, why I keep relapsing and um i remember her saying to me like you know jessica why don't you just try it my way for 90 days and if it doesn't work out like we'll gladly refund your misery no problem and i was like okay falling and um she's like all right well we're gonna get started tonight we're going going to go to faulkner and i was like oh i'm not ready to commit now you know she's like well you don't have a ride and your mom dropped you here so we're going you know and so you know we go and it's like stadium seating i don't know maybe 150 people and she marches right down front and she's the kind of lady that rolls with 20 ladies you know like she has a crew everywhere where she goes. And I was so uncomfortable in my own skin at this point, and all these ladies are like, hi, how are you? It's so nice to meet you, and want to touch me, and I come from a family that doesn't touch, so I'm like, you know, please don't touch me. I was so uncomfortable, and they want to talk to you, and I'm feeling like a hostage. I feel like I just got taken hostage. and like she was like you know this lady's gonna pick you up tomorrow and I'm like I don't know this lady she's not picking me up tomorrow I'm not getting in her car you know like I was so I was such a pain in the ass and this woman gave me so much of her time like she would take me to meetings almost everything she had four kids she was a single mom with four kids. She took me to a meeting almost every single night not only did she take me into a meeting she would have me meet I would get off the bus and at her stop, go to her house. She would feed me dinner. Then she would read to me out of the big book. Then she Would drive me to a meet, go get a coffee, drive me to the meeting. Then after the meeting, we would go out for who knows what ice cream or whatever. And then she would take me, drive Me home to my apartment and then keep me in the car till 10 o'clock. And it was like, I'd be counting down the minutes. I was like a chain smoker and I couldn't smoke in her car because she was on chemo. And, like, I'd be, like – like, dying, needing to get out of the car. And she would wait until 10 o'clock, and I'd Be like, why is she keeping me hostage in her car, you know? And then finally I realized it's because I had a packie on the corner of my street, and it closed at 10. So she was waiting until the packie closed so that I wouldn't drink. And then she would just, like , repeat this cycle, you know, until I would put some time together. I'm like, i have three kids now. I can't even imagine trying to do that for somebody like I could never imagine giving that much time to another alcoholic and she just like gave so much time and love you know and I'm so forever grateful for that but you know those women in her posse of women a lot of them I'm still connected with and uh they just loved me until I could love myself and that's the thing like I came in here finally feeling beaten and powerless and my life unmanageable and such a mess like I didn't even know how to like brush my teeth every day like consistently like I had so many cavities when I got over it with bananas and um you know they taught me like if you don't pick up a drink for one day like you're gonna be okay and we're gonna teach you, you know? And, and that's what they did. Like I grew up in the halls, you know what I mean? Like these people taught me how to do everything. And, you know, I'm just so grateful for that because I, I just, I didn't know what I didn'd know, you now. And you know, if you feel like you're suffering, like there's a way out of no way out and it's in this book and it then the halls with people like you see here, like these spiritual seekers, they'll save your life you know and it's just an unbelievable program so with that I'm gonna wrap it up