Step 1 — Powerlessness – Kathleen B. – Wilson House Big Book Workshop Retreat – 2026

Desiree, alcoholic. Hi, Desiree. Step one, most of us have been unwilling to admit we are real alcoholics. No person likes to think he is bodily and mentally different from his fellows. Therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking careers have been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove we could drink like other people. The idea that somehow, someday, he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death. We learn that we have to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion that we are like other people, or presently may be, has to be smashed. Thanks, Desiree. Hi, I'm Kathleen. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Kathleen. And I am just, there's a few different versions of the set-aside prayer, but I appreciate all of them, and I appreciate the spirit of the prayer, so I'm going to read one version of the set-aside prayer to kind of ground us. God, please help me to set aside everything I think I know about myself, my disease, the 12 steps. And you, so I can have an open mind and a new experience with myself, my disease, the 12 steps, and especially you. Please help me see the truth. Amen. Amen. That was the wrong version. There are a lot of versions. And Andy's going to start us off. Oh, okay. Hi, I'm Andy. I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Andy. I just wanted to say first that Kath and I have, like, had many conversations about the fact that we don't know why the heck we're up here. Also, is this stage, like, higher than it used to be? I swear, is this actually the same one, or is it a different one? I messed it up just for you. That's the ego. I'm so glad Gerard's the emcee. I feel like I would be so much more nervous if he wasn't right now. But we both, I'll speak for myself, but she's told me the same thing. We all have, like, a ton of imposter syndrome right now. So we're going to try and get over that as we go through this. But just, like, really, really beyond honored that you guys would ask us to be up here. You guys would find out it's going to be us and still show up. We've been coming here as much as we can for the last, like, 12 years, I think. We've seen, you know, the first time we came was Jerry. And we've seen a bunch of great people. Man, I, like, one of the things I, like, was, like, man, I'm going to cry. I know it. And, like, dude, I started crying in the middle of frickin' Gerard's prayer. I'm not going to make it along. God. So with that, we want to talk a little bit about step one. And I'm going to do some quick math here to figure out how long I'm going to talk for. Because Kath knows that, like, I am, like, with time, I am, like, a, in a room, it will take up the entire volume. So, like, if you give me an hour, I will make a 65-minute presentation. And then talk fast to fit it in. So I want to talk a little bit about step one. I kind of wrestled with this a little bit about, like, exactly what I would talk about. If you go to an AA meeting that I am at, I will introduce myself. I will introduce myself as an alcoholic. My name is Andy. I'm an alcoholic. I believe that to my core, 100%. When I came in, the first time that I went to a meeting, I did not say that. Right? Because I wasn't convinced that I was an alcoholic. Right? I introduced myself as Andy Addict. Right? And I was kind of, and went on that AA meeting. And I got five minutes to talk. I'm going to talk about being an alcoholic. I'm going to talk about all the feelings. I'm going to talk about all the feelings that go along with that. I'm not going to talk about any kind of specific drug use. I'm going to do that for a specific reason. Because the primary purpose of this is to help the alcoholic. Right? If I'm talking about being, like, a hardcore junkie. And this guy walks in for his first AA meeting. And he is, he waited until he was 21 years old to drink. Never did an illegal substance in his life. He's one drink away from dying. Liver failing. Grandma seizures. Right? He walks into this room. I'm talking about, like, dope or something. He's like, whoa. This is not the place for me. Right? And then that guy who's one drink away from dying walks out of an AA meeting. Because I don't have an opportunity to give him the context. Right? We're going to have a lot of time. So I think I'll have some time to give you some context around that. And what the word alcoholic means to me. And by the way, I drank alcoholically for a long time. By the way. My experience with alcohol lines up perfectly with all the things that they say in the big book as well. So with that precursor. I'm also, the other thing I want to say. I'm going to try really hard not to swear. It's tough for me. I'm going to do my darndest. All right. But anyways, I do like to just give a little background. Just because when I first came in, a lot of the stories that I heard were not like mine. Like the first. The first thing that I really continued to believe that I was unique for too long. Right? So my parents were not alcoholics. I think my mom's got some isms. But she's able to stop drinking when she wants to. Right? And for the most part, the worst thing that ever happened to me with my childhood was my parents got divorced when I was six years old. And they said mean things to each other. They weren't the best split-up couple you could possibly be. But you know what, dude? I've done a lot of fifth steps with other guys. And I've heard a lot worse. Right? And another thing I didn't, well, so my very, another thing that kind of like separated me from other people was a lot of people that I would talk to drank every single day throughout like high school. Right? And I was like, well. I never showed up to high school drunk or stoned or anything. Right? I remember the first time that I drank was the first opportunity that I got where I was like alone in the house. My mom, my little sister stayed down the street with somebody else. My mom went out for the night. And she let me stay there alone. And I was like 13. It's kind of like weird thinking about that now. Like she's like left for the night. She's like all alone in the house. 13. I don't know. Maybe that's not weird. I don't know. Like it's only seven. But it seems like a long way off. But anyways. So the first thing I did was I invited a bunch of friends over. Right? And I went into the back of this liquor cabinet. Right? And I'm pulling the bottles out of the back of the liquor cabinet. The ones that are like covered with dust that she never uses. And we decided to drink brandy. It was the 90s. She was doing duets. Seemed like a good choice. And it tasted awful. Right? So it was a 13-year-old mix it with. I was like maybe milk. Which is kind of funny. Because like my very first drink is what the big book defines as the definition of insanity. I mean you don't get that joke. Like you should read it, man. It's got some bangers. All right. So and I remember the warm feeling. And I remember feeling like different. But like honestly the overwhelming sense of that moment was at the same. Like right around the same time. I realized that like some of my friends were on the back porch smoking that wacky tobacco. Right? And I was like. And I was like that's not okay. And I drew this line in the sand. Right? Like alcohol is okay. Because it's like it's legal. Right? For a 13-year-old. And there's these. There's this other thing. This is like this illegal illicit substance. Right? And I was like. I was. I went. You can't do that here. Like what are you doing? Right? And I was really mad at him. Right? And then. The next opportunity. The next time that I saw people smoking weed. I was like. Please let me smoke it. Now let me buy it. And then shortly after that I was selling it. Right? It was like. It was like within a year. And. And that kind of is like my history with substances from like my whole life. It was always like. Well this is. This is okay. But then like this thing over there. No. No way. And then right. And then it's just. I immediately jump over that line. And. I. But then. You know. Kind of getting introduced to substance. All of a sudden it was like. I wanted to do it. Right? And it was. It was pretty. Through high school. It was. Oh. And then the. The. The next time. I do. Here's. Here's how I know. For sure. I'm an alcoholic. The first time I remember like. Really enjoying. Well not enjoying. Enjoying being drunk. Right? I don't know if I really like. Enjoy. I think it was more stressed. Than anything. Because like. I was worried about people being at my mom's house. And I was like. There's a bunch of people there. And it was like. Weird. And. The. I was at my buddy Bob's house. In the middle of summer. With John. And. His dad. They had this like. Garage. That was like. Open air. Garage. And in it. They had. Bush. Right. And it was warm. Bush. Right. And my dad like. Had it was like. Overflow. So we're. He was like. We can drink this. Right. And I drank it. And I was like. These disgusting. Right. It was awful. It was skunky. It'd be sitting there like. All summer. It was like. What he didn't want to drink. And I was like. I will drink more. Right. And I kept drinking it. Right. Because I drink for the effect. Right. I'm not drinking for the taste. And. There's that. There's that line. I'm going to screw it up now. But there's. That line. There's that. The effect produced by alcohol. Alcoholics drink essentially because they. Like. The effect. They like the effect produced by alcohol. And I read that for. I read that. For so long. As like. They like the taste of booze. Like. In my brain. And I was like. No. I hated it the whole time. Right. I was like. I like whiskey. Right. And. Yeah. So. Throughout high school. I. I didn't. I didn't. Go to school messed up. But. alcoholic is monday morning i started planning friday night right like on a week long i'm like making moves right i gotta talk to the right people i needed to be in control of it right i am a bit of a control freak but i needed to be in control of it because if you screwed up us getting this like what am i gonna do right i can't have that happen right so i needed to be in charge of figuring out how to get it i needed to be in charge of making sure that we had the overflow right for when all like the normal people like stop right and we got to keep going and then like a maybe a bag of this other stuff too right i needed to make sure we had all of that friday night right and um uh convinced a convinced a liquor store owner to sell me three bottles of hard liquor when i was like 16 and i had braces no id just gave him like a great story i said still think he was just like that was a good this guy's trying hard he thought I was 21 acne spiked hair not 21 um so I ended up uh getting into college and uh one of the things I like about that is there's there's there's this line in the stories in the back um when the first time I read the big book nobody told me to stop so I read the whole thing like it was a Stephen King novel above the stories in the back of the book and there's this one great line from a story in the back of the book that goes and I'm paraphrasing I'm sure I'm sure I'm screwing it up slightly but it goes the chief difference between the alcoholic and the non-alcoholic is that the non-alcoholic will change their behaviors to meet their goals while the alcoholic changes when I got a syllabus for class is I did all the math to figure out the minimum amount of work to required to get a b-minus right am I actually gonna have to do homework in this class and then I'm flirting with that like b-minus line so every now and then I get a c and then my parents would like yell at me you know like um so I yeah I'm factoring in like oh I'll ace all the tests that'll be fine right I'll ace all the tests and then I won't have to do homework and it'll be good right and um and I could have gotten into a better school if I tried right but I wasn't willing to try right so so then of the subset of schools that I got into I I got into schools that were better than the ones I went to right because I I didn't want to go to the four-year engineering school I wanted to go to the two-year junior college that was in the middle of the woods right because less will be expected of me right so then uh I show up to this uh uh junior college at the time uh it was called Morrisville State um and uh I you know make some friends there you know they're doing the same type of stuff that I'm doing right and uh and uh one day uh this guy named John Rom who's an actual cowboy uh came by my dorm room and he's like Andy come smoke this bowl with me and I'm like all right I can't man I got I got chemistry and he's like they're not taking attendance it's just like oh my god they're gonna take attendance so I just stopped going to college it was it was a spiritual experience yeah and I uh and and and then it what began was going uh into the woods because Morrisville's just surrounded by woods and there's a bunch of like forestry students and like agricultural students and stuff and then like they have this tiny little engineering program so all of my friends were like farmers and people were people who were like park rangers and crap and uh I'd go into the woods with a backpack full of uh uh natty ice the black plague right like a 30 rack and natty ice and a backpack and like a blunt right and we'd go into the woods at like 10 o'clock and come out hammered right and then like take a quick nap and then like wake up and go to like the party right and that was like Tuesday that was just that was just every day and um and then I was already gonna fail that semester I was only gonna already gonna fail that first year of college for sure but in the second semester um I uh I actually got a job uh working as a snowboard instructor and I was uh going down the hill one day with all the other instructors and one of them was a she was cute she had red hair too and uh I was trying to impress her and I hit a rail that I shouldn't have and I broke my leg and I was like oh my god my collarbone and they handed me and I went to the doctor they handed me 90 percocet 90 10 milligram percocet with a refill they never said like by the way you might want to be careful with these I went back to college as quickly as I could arm in a sling because I was like I gotta get back there I can't be hanging out with my dad at home right and my buddy was like dude have three those are great right and then it was just off to the races like after that it was like um it got it was over the course of like seven or eight years but it got like pretty dark pretty quick right and uh yeah I mean like I I pretty much did every substance that came in front of me and I found out quickly that I couldn't really do opiates while I was drinking um they just don't mix well you wake up in a pool with something and that's just like how it went so uh but I don't know I don't know I don't know I don't know but I decided that the uh the opiates didn't make me smell like booze right and I I felt like I could get away with it easier right like I felt like uh I it's probably not true but I felt like people didn't know right like as as much it wasn't as obvious I thought um also like I was I wasn't like puking on the girl I was trying to make out with right like I wasn't peeing to bed right so seemed like a good just life choice you know and um and I uh I uh I I I got caught eventually um I mean I got I got there were random people that kind of knew what was going on but my circle of friends got smaller and smaller and smaller you know and it was the people the people that were willing to be around me or I was willing to be around were the people that were doing the same kind of things that I was willing to be around me or I was willing to be around and I was willing to do the same kind of stuff as me and then I'm like I'm just waking up every day like these people are assholes these people are grimy bad people right and I'm hanging out with them every day because I'm one of them and uh I felt really alone and I hated myself I hated my life and I didn't really know what to do and one thing that I should have touched on it sooner is uh you know like the the reason that the that what that effect was that effect right now I'm drinking for effect what's the effect uh the effect for me was all of a sudden I felt cooler I felt smarter I felt more handsome I felt like I could talk to people felt less awkward um it made it seem like it just enhanced all of life I could be a better fill in the blank if you just put a little bit in me right and that worked so well for so long and then all of a sudden like it didn't right I wasn't like I wasn't I wasn't drinking or getting high to like feel better I was drinking and getting high to get like back to zero just to get offy just to be functional right um you know a half a bottle and a dozen glasses of ale would be required if I were to eat any breakfast I could identify with that right I'd wake in very early in the morning shaking violently I can identify with that right there's a lot of stuff in Bill's story when I look at it from the perspective of like the feelings where I could identify a lot with Bill a lot and um uh so eventually I got I got caught it was actually uh an ex-girlfriend um had had come by and she had found like some of my like rigs and stuff and uh she like was like wanting me to stop you know the audacity and uh eventually uh she told on me and uh I'm like sitting there at this uh apartment I'm living with an alcoholic we're both like pretending that we don't have a problem like I don't talk about my drug use he doesn't talk about his alcoholism so don't get any charges away right when I ran out of stuff two in the morning right his that go into the freezer where there would be like the the he liked vodka which I hated like if I if I could drink something I'd drink whiskey you know even though I didn't make it taste too good but a lot of guys hated and uh he'd have the plastic like the the like the eight dollar bottles that are on the bottom covered with dust you know and like uh you know you squeeze them and force more into your stomach quicker right like uh and that's where I'd end up two in the morning right I end up drinking Mason's vodka from the freezer like a baby bottle and uh I uh so I'm living with this guy and and uh on all of a sudden like I'm on like I'm on like four different like experimental substances that we've bought off the internet with like 33 million dollars in Bitcoin probably but we didn't know what it was at the time we were just buying weird stuff off the internet and I'm like so sideways and I decide to empty my cat's litter box for the first time in like a week three weeks I don't know and it was like just a solid chunk and I'm like going out the door and I see these like people in my driveway and I'm like a super nice guy right so I like wave to them I'm like hello right holy God but I've been like my brain catches up and realizes it's like that's my mom and two of my ex-girlfriends all three of these women hate each other and they're here at my doorstep right in Buffalo New York right and I I I I my mom was living in Worcester at the time she moved there after I like turned 19 and um so I'm like I'm like 25 26 at the time and she uh she's from she's from Worcester the other girl is living in Utica which is like three hours away the other girl is living of the Adirondacks like five hours away and all three of these women show up in my house and uh they try to tell me that like um I need to come back with my mom to Worcester and like get some help all right and uh things aren't good I've been unemployed for like a year and a half and like um I'm like okay I'll go back but I'm not that bad so I'll go to like an outpatient I'm not gonna go to an inpatient all right that seems a little drastic and and I'm gonna bring I'm gonna bring this like half ounce of weed with me and I'm gonna I'm gonna bring this like non-doctor prescribed uh uh Suboxone with me and um and my day my day on my way to the to treatment would be me riding my sister's pink Huffy bike from Webster Square if you're familiar with it down Maine South all the way to ad care okay and I'd have like and I'd I'd smoke a joint before I left so I bloodshot eyes wreaking a weed right I got I got Suboxone coming out my nose right and I ship her up and I'm like I'm ready for treatment I think I'm sober today right uh and they were I don't know what they didn't turn me away though right and uh and I you know spend my time there and then I come back and I ride back through the gauntlet that is Maine South I get back to my house I'd I'd drink as much as I could before my mom got home and then when my mom got home I had like the hardest period of the day I had one beer with dinner because that's what normal people do to not understand right they're like this isn't about like one singular substance this is about a spiritual hole inside of me that I'm trying to fill with anything anything so I have one beer with dinner and then I'd had to wait two or three hours for her to go to bed like go to bed already come on all right and then I am back in the same exact liquor cabinet that I was when I was 13 years old pulling out the bottles from the back so they don't Clank together all right she ran out of brandy though or just drinking like black Russians right she also didn't like vodka or Kahlua so those were in the back um and uh drink until blackout because you only make a fall asleep right and wake up in the morning and repeat the cycle at some point uh there was a guy there I'd met a couple people that seemed like they weren't idiots losers or whatever however I was judging everybody and uh this one guy was like hey man like I'm thinking uh I'm thinking I'm gonna go to a meeting and I was like that okay you know like sounds like better than like hanging out with my mom sure right and I offered to go and then um on the way back from treatment that day this guy all of a sudden jumps out of the bushes and tries to sell me crack right well but what actually happened was riding as slow as I possibly can on my pink huffy trying to make eye contact with every single person right please offer me something right and uh this guy offering you one thing but I wanted the other thing I've rode around with him for 45 minutes trying to pick up something and he beat me right so I'm not gonna lie my partner was me and he was like hey man you can't be running right please offer me something right please offer me something right and uh this guy offer me one thing what I want any other thing I've were around with him for 45 minutes trying to pick up something and he beat me right so I was shocked by the smart person that was in the right? So he sold me $40 worth of stuff, sold me $20 worth of stuff for 40 bucks, right? I got beat, right? And I went back and I did, and I'm so grateful that he beat me because what did I do? All of it. I did all of it. Of course I did all of it, right? But I didn't have my normal tolerances. So I like, it was probably as close as I ever came to like overdosing without actually overdosing, right? And I'm puking, right? And I'm like, get bare, like in and out of consciousness and my phone rings. It's this guy. He's like, Hey Andy, I'm going to pick you up for the meeting. Oh yeah. I can't go, man. I explained why. And he, uh, he didn't know what the hell he was doing. He was just as new as me. It's not like he'd been coming back and around for like 10 years, right? He was brand new too. Right. And he goes, pretty sure that means you're definitely supposed to go to the meeting. Right. And, um, I go to this meeting. There's another, there's another fellowship. It was NA. And, um, it was a really small meeting. There were, I think like five or six other guys there. They could tell as soon as I walked in. So I was high off my ass and I'm, you know, not now. And I'm, I ran to the bathroom to puke like four or five times in the middle of the meeting. You know what? They didn't kick me out. They didn't get, nobody was like, you're triggering me. You got to get out of here. Right. Nobody said that. And they, um, they came up to me after the meeting and they, uh, they, they gave me hugs. They gave me handshakes. They gave me phone numbers. They said, we're so glad you're here. Please come back. Right. And, um, and I went, I went back to Buffalo like a few weeks later and, um, I was right back to doing everything that I was doing within 24 hours of landing back in Buffalo. But, um, but I, I knew that there were people that had the same problem that I did and they wanted to help. And I, um, I started going to those meetings in Buffalo, like three times a week. I was there. I was getting high in the bathroom in the middle of the meeting. I was showing up. Nobody kicked me out. Nobody said you can't be here. People tried to help me. I don't know if people were talking about God or recovery or any of that. I have no idea. I wasn't really listening. I was just showing up because that's where I was supposed to be. Right. And that went on for another year and a half. Um, and I wish I had more time to wrap this up, but I want to make sure I get cat a little time. Um, I meant half the time, half the time. Wasn't refined. And, uh, I, uh, that went on for another year and a half and all I did was switch a few substances around. Things got a lot worse and, um, I started dating this girl and, um, I started dating this girl and, um, I started dating this girl and, um, I started dating this girl. Uh, she, you know, lied to her about a bunch of stuff. Her dad was an alcoholic. She knew how to spot an alcoholic. And, uh, and, uh, once she figured out how bad I was, she started going to Al-Anon meetings and, um, had Al-Anon, they told her, uh, detach with love, which meant stop giving Andy rides and money and crab, which is BS. Right. And, um, I'm so grateful that she went to those meetings and talked to those people, uh, because she got the strength to kick me out. Essentially. I love you, but you're killing yourself. And, uh, like it, like, I want you to like get well, but I don't think that you can get well while like you're with me. Right. And, uh, they basically told her like, don't give them the keys. Don't give them any money. Don't let them come to your house. Right. And all of that. And, um, and she listened and I was pissed at the time. And, um, I ended up getting kicked out of the house. I was living out with the alcoholic. Apparently you gotta like pay rent. I don't know. Whatever. And, uh, and then, uh, I, my, my buddies wouldn't let me crash on our couch anymore. I ended up in my dad's house in Syracuse. He kicked me out. I ended up at the house that I grew up in with my dad, the house that he grew up into, which is now inhabited by his brother. His brother, uh, is one of the worst alcoholics I've ever met. We actually lost him, uh, two years ago to this disease. Could not, could not, could not get this program. He was brought to meetings. He was led to the water and he refused to drink it. And, um, he kicked me out of his house. Right. Worst alcoholic I've ever known. So I ended up in Worcester, Massachusetts again, right? 27 years old. Um, I ran around Worcester for about a month and then, um, started calling a bunch of treatment places, basically begging them to let me in. Beds weren't open. And, uh, I finally got this like voicemail and I broke down in the woods behind my mom's house. We broke down on this voicemail. Like, you've gotta, you've gotta let me in. I'm gonna fucking die. Sorry. Excuse my language. And, um, a few hours later, I got a call back, but I had, um, I had picked up in the meantime. So I was like, Hey, this is great. Can I come tomorrow? And, uh, but I did, I did show up the next day and, um, a series of miracles got me in there and maybe another series of miracles that I'll, I'll have time to tell you later. Uh, it got me, it got me into the treatment center across the street and a series of miracles that started with people from this group, got me into a big book workshop meeting in the back of that building. And, um, eventually I, uh, I got the solution and eventually like working with a sponsor who also didn't know what the hell he was doing. I was literally his first sponsee. Um, he, uh, he got me up to a fourth step and partway through that fourth step, I went an entire 24 hours without thinking about picking up the phone. I was like, I'm gonna go to the station. I'm here to pick up. I hadn't gone 20 minutes in 10 years. Right. 24 hours without thinking about picking up. And, uh, I kept doing what he told me to do after that. And, uh, I haven't had, uh, the, the need or the desire to pick up since. Um, so with that, I'll pass it over to Kath. Thanks. No, you're good. And I just, I don't like my back being turned to people. I think I absolutely like subconsciously like moved the chair back like to be further. Like I've got like Edgardo and Dick like in front of me here. Just like, this is a little too much. Demon going back one inch. I just hate not being able to make eye contact to people. Hi, I'm Kathleen. I'm an alcoholic. Hey, Kathleen. And it really is like such an honor to be here to share our experience with you guys. We've been coming to this event and had the opportunity to listen to other speakers share their experience, which is really all we're doing. And my sponsor reminded me that many times when I've been calling her and praying and talking about my fear around this event and volunteering here. Like I've gotten to get to know some people and many people here know Jerry who shared his experience with us for many years. And I remember one of my first jobs as a volunteer here, Jerry, not Gerard, not Gerard, but Jerry E from Kansas, who is of the Don P lineage in sponsorship. I was his, I got his coffee for the weekend. You're just his coffee girl for the whole weekend, Kath. I was like, okay, great. I'm here. I'm here and I'm ready to be of service. And Jerry only took his coffee with heavy cream. So I would go back and forth and get more heavy cream over the weekend. But he would just share his stories with us. And yeah, he's just an old cowboy here to share a solution and maybe help some people save some lives, you know? And, and it is amazing, you know, like we have this incredible life today. And I, whenever I think about alcoholism, I just think like, um, yeah, I'm just, I'm so glad that I didn't die, you know, because I really, really wanted to die for a long time. So, um, there was a couple of things I just wanted to touch on. Um, so as a, as a young person growing up in my family, I was so incredibly loved. Um, I sponsor a ton of women who was like, they deal with a lot of trauma and they have a lot of trauma. I had hard experiences growing up and, um, like I knew love, like such deep, deep love from when I was born until now, really. And, um, I always, I'm so grateful for that. Um, but I'm still an alcoholic. I've lived to tell people, like if your kids are alcoholics, it's not, probably not your fault. You know what I mean? You can love your children so deeply and they still are alcoholics. Both of my brothers and I are, we're all alcoholics. Yeah. So, um, it's, it's not, alcoholism isn't born out of lack of love in my experience. Um, and what I did suffer from was this disconnection with you and this desire to be what I thought you wanted me to be. From like a very young age, I always had a smile on my face. I was, looked really happy apparently. And, um, I remember. I remember like always wanting to like do what others would, would be pleased with. And, um, and that just manifested into like a deep imposter syndrome. Like I was always trying to like read your mind and be like the best at whatever the thing was. And, um, so I was a straight A student and I was like captain of every sports team and I was vice president of my class. And when I got the first opportunity to drink and, um, and use. I remember like a release that I had never experienced before and a feeling of like, this is what it is to just be okay. That I wanted to feel for the rest of my life. Um, and my brothers were the first ones to get me high in the basement. Um, cause they thought it would be funny. And, um, and that was like a thing that we did all the time, you know? Um, but I can remember like drinking for the first time. And, you know, this book describes this physical compulsion, this allergy that we have to alcohol. And the first time that I ever drank, I got caught by my friend's brother really quickly. So we weren't, we weren't able to continue drinking. But the next time that I got my hands on alcohol, I blacked out and I, it was very common for me to just black out. And piss myself as a teenager. That was just like, that just, that was just normal. It was a normal day, you know? And, um, it was embarrassing kind of if you weren't with the wrong people. I found people who thought it was funny and we co-signed each other's BS, you know? So like, I found people who were like, work hard. Play hard crew, you know? And remember, I came from this very loving home. And, um, my mom is the product of an alcoholic household. Both of her parents died when she was 11. And she grew up with so much loss that like all she ever wanted to do was just like take care of her kids and keep them safe. And, um, so that house was like locked down tight. And, um, I would actually sneak out of that house. Like. A lot. But I'd have to like crawl from my bedroom down the stairs. Like, I was like, it was, it was, uh, I was committed to sneaking out. And, um, my brothers thought it was funny. They would open the back door. And I was like. But, um, but, um, because I was also really into codependent relationships. I don't know if anybody here can relate to that. But, um, yeah, from a, from a young age. And, um, but, but when I got out of that house. Um. Um, I ended up dry. I ended up going to school in Syracuse, New York. And, um, I was very, very far from home. And I wanted it to be that way. Like, I wanted to have the freedom that I'd always wanted. And when I got there, I found people who drank like I did. And, um, and we co-signed everything. And we, and, and it was such an interesting experience because Andy was describing. Like this, the plan, the, like, how are we, cause we were still underage, but it was like from the get go when I was at Syracuse, it was, how are we going to get this stuff that we need to get through from, you know, in, in college, it's like Thursday to Sunday, you know, and who's getting this, who's okay. Everybody, how much is this going to cost? Right. You have to have someone in there who's like the, like organized. And, um, I found people. Who would benefit me. Like I found, like, I would find people who would help me to get what I needed. And, um, and then I would find people who were like, also in the school of education, who were like very responsible and hardworking. And I'd be like, did you do that essay yet? Do you want to share yours with me so I can get an idea of what this should look like? You know, I'm like, that was how I did school. Like it was, I was there to drink. And then I would also find people, make friends and manipulate them so that I could get through school and do the least possible work. Um, while also always wanting the, my professors to like favor me, I was obsessed with like being like being liked, you know? And, um, it was hard. So it's, if you're an alcoholic, you know, like you can't keep. And I had a lot of experiences of not being able to get to class, to take a test. I mean, my whole college transcript is either A's or F's. And it's like, that's like such an alcoholic thing. You know what I mean? It's just like, either I'm there and I'm killing it or I'm nowhere to be found, you know, just like off the grid. And, um, so I'd go through these. These semesters where like, I'm, I'm, I'm drinking, I'm using other substances, but I am an alcoholic who cannot control my drinking. And even when I would go through periods of like, this is objectionable to me. This isn't going great. I need to take a break. It was very hard for me to stay stopped. Like I suffered from this mental obsession, but I couldn't name it as that at the time. And so I'd keep running into issues with, um, the. The Dean of education, like calling me in to sit with the board to be like, so like, what's going on, you know, like you're like, you started off the semester like this, but like, we just don't understand you seem so capable and, but you can never follow through and, um, and that happened over and over again during the course of like my education. And, uh, and, and I, I, so I would do every like winter break and every summer. And then sometimes in between, I would realize like, I, I just need to stop drinking. I just need to stop drinking. I'm going to stop. I'm going to stop for 30 days. I'm going to detox for 30 days. It'll be fine. And I would, um, when I was like 18, 19, I could do that. I would take a break for 30 days and I'd still like hang out with some people who were like drinking or, you know, doing other stuff. And when people offered me, I'd be like, no, I'm detoxing this month. I'm like full of myself, like, don't mind me, you know, work out like a fiend, drop 10 pounds in 30 days, you know, but like raging bitch, don't fucking look at me the wrong way. And the reality is I was a dry drunk. Whenever I didn't have booze in my system, I was a dry drunk. And if the plan didn't go the way I wanted it to go, you were going to know it. And I get to the end. After the 30 days, feeling great, all of this like resolve, right? Cock sureness, whatever they call it in Bill's story. Day 31, blacking out. Because I earned it, right? Like that's what I, that's the whole point of this, right? Is so I can drink again. Like I, my mind was so broken about what the real problem was. So I'd, I'd black out, I'd piss myself, I'd wake up and I'd be like, oh my God, I can't believe that happened again. You know, and then get back into it. Right. And I did that so many times in college, so many periods of like taking a 30 day break of like, and then eventually I got to a place where it was like, I can't stay sober for 30 days. I can't stay sober for two weeks. I can't stop drinking for a week. I can't make it through the weekend. And, um, so I have this professor at the time. It's Syracuse. I was doing research for him. He was an anthropology professor. And he was doing research on how drugs and alcohol affects women's sex lives. I think you could probably guess the findings, like the picture. What? But he, he thought that this phenomenon happens on college campuses where women like anesthetize themselves to be okay with certain behaviors. And he just was like, it's crazy, you know? And so he asked me if I would drink again. And I was like, okay, I'm going to do, well, I was, I loved his classes. He was just like super engaging professor. And he would, he, his classes I took were by far the biggest courses ever. He was so engaging that I went to his office hours because I heard he needed somebody to help him with research. So I, I found out I could get extra credit and, um, and do this research. So I started researching women on these questions about like, you know, about their sex lives and their drug use and their alcohol consumption. And, um, and I'd take notes, I'd get it back to him. And so. Him and I started going over all of this, like this information. And we started talking about our own experiences with drugs and alcohol. And when I talked about alcohol and my problem with alcohol and my lack of control with alcohol, he ended up breaking his anonymity and telling me that he'd been a member of AA for many years. And if I ever was interested in going to an AA meeting, you know, I was welcome to meet him there and he could introduce me to a lot of great women. And, um. Yeah. And his name is John T. And I'll, I'll, you talk about like a series of just miracles, you know, anybody else in my family had told me that they thought that I had a problem with alcohol. It wouldn't have gone over well, you know? And, um, yeah, John, John passed away this year and his three daughters are really close in age to me and they didn't live near him. And, um. We, um, yeah, it was, we formed a really amazing bond over the years and, um, I ended up meeting a guy from Syracuse. So I ended up back in Syracuse a lot over the years and, um, it was, it was amazing. You know, what John did for me too was he invited me to go to a meeting. He didn't tell me that I was an alcoholic, right? He just like invited me to have an experience, right? To have an open mind. And so I went. I went to this meeting in downtown Syracuse and I parked my car and I'm like, where am I? Right. It's not near campus really. And, um, I go in and right away there's this amazing woman named Z who I always see whenever I go in that meeting. And she obviously knew I was a newcomer. And she like, you know, enveloped me with her arms. Honey. Come on over. She put me right in a seat, you know, me introducing you to all these women. I was so overwhelmed and, um, but I remember feeling so like loved instantly in AA. And, um, and so I like, I sit down and I'm starting to like, listen to people in the meeting and I'm looking around and like, I'm like. People are like, really. Old and people, some people here look like they're homeless and people are sharing about like DUIs and jail time and like all this stuff, you know? And I'm like, maybe I overreacted, you know, like, but these people seem to really need to be here. So good for them, you know? So, you know. And by the end of that meeting. I. Had just compared myself out of the meeting, you know, and, um, I was 21 at the time and, um, I spent almost another year drinking myself almost to death to convince myself that I was bad enough to go back to find a solution. Um, and in the meantime, I lied to everybody in my life and I lost a lot of relationships and trust. And, um, you know, I have so many experiences that convinced me that I am an alcoholic and, um, part of what Desiree read tonight from page 30 of more about alcoholism, like I just, there's this one part that like rings true for me so much. Like we learned that we had to fully concede to our innermost selves that we were alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The delusion. The delusion that we are like other people or presently may be has to be smashed and I've heard so many people in AA say, like, how does that idea get smashed for me? Like through bitter experience, through suffering. And when I came back to AA, I remember like calling John and saying, like, I'm going to be at the early bird meeting tomorrow. Like, I hope you'll be there and coming back and being like. So grateful that that meeting was still there that, you know, when I came in, nobody was, nobody, you know, said like, you know, you already had your chance. Get out of here. You know, I mean, that's the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous is like, we never run out of love. You know what I mean? There's always another seat for the newcomer. I mean, I know a lot of people who have died from this disease, and I just count myself so lucky that I sit in this seat, that I have this life today. You know, this weekend is going to be about like, you know, we get sober and like, so what happens next? Right. Like, we've I've identified the fact that I like. I cannot drink in safety. And I cannot stay up stopped either. So what do I do? And if that wasn't the case for me, like, I just go about the rest of my life knowing I'm I'm an alcoholic, I have self-knowledge, so like, I'm just not going to drink anymore. But that wasn't enough for me. There was a lot more work that needed to happen, and I found out that it was like it was a design for living. That that ended up working in rough going of all kinds, you know. There's. Yeah, I'd suck up too much time. No. Oh, yeah. No, there's it's amazing because like when I think about step one, you know, like. I think a lot about. When we go to detox commitments, like sometimes people are just like they're not there to be. Able to hear a lot of the big book I wasn't early on, and it's like, what's the paragraph? What's the sentence that's going to like resonate with someone right now who's like truly suffering? And they're like, I have no interest in reading that book, you know, and you know that the squiggly lines are usually important. And so, you know, something that we were recently driving to Buffalo and we had like talked about, oh, these are the these are the things. We're going to say, you know, because we're trying to have some kind of a plan and. One of the things that we were saying is, you know, this paragraph, it's the when we've lost the power of choice. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice and drink. Our so-called willpower becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable at certain times to bring into our conscience. Consciousness. Consciousness. Consciousness. Consciousness. Consciousness with sufficient force. The memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We're without defense against the first drink. And not so much describes like what the problem was for me and what it has been for so many others to being a woman alcoholic. Like I have like the best friends of mine who like all they wanted to do was like stop drinking. You know, this like. Baby growing inside of them or they wanted to do was like stay sober today, you know, like all the reasons in the world and it's like I just can't not drink today and to be an alcoholic like that like it means that we know suffering but it also means that we know we understand each other and so that is the thing that I found in alcoholics anonymous like. Before I found. The solution I found understanding here and that was something that no one in my family and no friend of mine that really deeply cared for me and no like partner in a relationship had ever been able to really do for me was like understand my problem. My soul sickness so that I could just stop fighting and stop like yeah, but we'll know I just I'm going to figure. Out how to. Like I felt like an AA I finally just gave up and it was because you understood me and you understood this problem that we all suffer from and if I am no longer unique in my problem. Then maybe I can access this common solution as well and I let my guard down, you know. Is there anything else that you want to say tonight? I think on that. I like that topic that she just brought up what that line. To me was so eye-opening the first time I read it because it was in direct opposition to what I was hearing at treatment and from a lot of AA commitments that were coming in. They were talking about, you know, like just put the blood in the jug and just like, you know, hold on till midnight. Don't drink no matter what right and and like. They seem like the most miserable jerks in the world right in the like I didn't drink today. And I'm like drink or no. In the back row sitting here like guys, there's a solution like you don't have to be miserable, right? And you know I and the and we're getting handouts on like play the tape through remember your last drink. The books freakin telling us right there that there is gonna come a time. in a place where we can't remember the last drink we're not going to be able to play the tape back or think it through right like all of a sudden the guy jumps out of the bush and tries to sell me crap right like that so that's uh yeah i think uh that i have to remember that that like and and i have to point that out to sponsees and go like look what what you're doing right now might be working and it might work for the next 30 days it might work for nine years you might be miserable right you might be fighting it you might not have to you know so that's all i have to say about that king sandy yeah are we out of time i think we're out of time for the night yeah awesome