Step 1 – Donna J. – New England Big Book Workshop Weekend – 2020

Now it's time for our step-speakers to tell us about their experience with Step 1. Our first speaker, Donna Jay. Good evening, everybody. My name is Donna. I am a grateful, recovered alcoholic. My sobriety date is August 5th of 2000. And I'm going to share a little bit about what my life was like. It was a big box of nothing and spend the rest of the weekend talking about how my reliance upon God, my life is a big box of everything. You know, throughout this book, they talk about Hank P. in The Doctor's Opinion and The Man of 30 and more about alcoholism and Jim also and more about alcoholism. This nervous dissonance. And that pretty much pretty much sums up how my life was like most of my life and you know nervous is also means jumpy uneasy unsteady easily excited or annoyed and as far back as I can remember that's how I was showing up in life. You may not have known that because I wanted to make sure that you were impressed with me. You liked me. So I was. I was going to manipulate my way. So that you would think better of me. I grew up in a middle class family originally from Brooklyn that we moved to Queens. But I never felt. I was never satisfied. There was either not enough or I wanted more. And I was very jealous of my sister who was four years younger than me and she's not one of us. But she seemed to get along with my parents. And I felt like the odd guy out or odd woman out. And I was very jealous of her. And. The way I feel about myself shows up in how I treat people. I was very mean to my sister. We sense today call each other every day. So we do get an opportunity in this program to go back. So we do get an opportunity in this program to go back. back and correct the wrongs that we've done and apologize. But more about that in step nine. The first time I drank, I drank alcoholically. I was about 12 years old and I drank and I passed out. Throughout high school, I remember the drink back then was Mad Dog 2020 and Boone's Farm. I'm probably dating myself in that, but I just thought everybody drank like me. I never could control my drinking. I never really wanted to stop until I wanted to stop and I realized that I couldn't stay stopped. I did a lot of geographic moves. I married and moved to an island. I wasn't really in love, but the whole idea of moving to an exotic place excited me. And they say that we make decisions based on self that later put us in a position to be hurt. And I realized that I should have never married this man because I didn't truly love him. And it was a very unhappy marriage. I did everything with the least possible resistance. I knew that if I could do a little bit and get by, I was fine with that. I lived in the world of at least. Now, especially when I was drinking and I have a lot of drugs in my story. By going through this big book, I realized that I am a real alcoholic. I'm not an addict. But when I drank, I loved the excitement. I loved the effect. I loved the heart. I loved the whole deal that went along with it. I'm a native New Yorker and I grew up during the times of Studio 54. And back in the day, you go to a party and there was bowls of cocaine everywhere. Well, most people that I partied with, they went on with their lives and I didn't. It turned into going to after hours. See, at this point, my problems were starting to pile up. And I spent a lot of my time. Worrying about the next time the next time would be different. The next time I wouldn't stay out. See, I would stay out for three days in a row. And I really thought all this time I was just irresponsible. But it wasn't until I went through this big book and I realized that I was drinking because of this craving and I never knew how many drinks I was going to take. It had nothing to do with my being irresponsible. It got to the point that I was going to work with no sleep and it went on and on. It says that the body and the mind are miraculous. It says that the body and the mind are miraculous. It says that the body and the mind are miraculous. That we can torture ourselves. And, you know, I look back and I realize that I hadn't slept or really drinking a sufficient amount of water for three days that to the point I'd start hallucinating. See, a normal drinker doesn't spend their life going in and out of sprees like that. And it's amazing because, you know. I do identify with that quicksand. See, the quicksand, the quicksand was spreading all around. But see, as long as the quicksand was here, I still thought I can control the situation next time. It's amazing how through most of my life, it was always next time I would do better. And it wasn't until the quicksand was right up underneath my nose that I realized, you know what, there's nothing else for me to try. And I remember it was a hot day of August 2000. I will never forget this day. It was so hot. And I had 50 cents in my pocket once again, because I found myself in that situation more than once. But this particular day was different. Now, prior to this, I had been sitting in a cracked house. And I had wanted to stop. See, by this time, the people I were hanging out with, never had TVs, never had phones. And those were my best friends. And they would throw me out when I had no money. And I kept going back for more. See, I would start off by in a fifth of absolute. And by the time my run was over, I would be drinking 50 cents beer. And I remember I had said to myself, the only thing I did not try to stay stopped was God. But I didn't know how to get to God. Going to church seems real foreign. Picking up the Bible seemed foreign. So I did exactly nothing. I continued to drink and drug. Well, this particular day, I had no money to get from Manhattan to the back to Queens. And see, the thing that about my mind, see, this is why I'm so grateful I did not sit in the rooms of VA a long time or line on my thinking mind. Because my mind would tell me, you got $20, jump on the train and go to Harlem. Now, that's real insane thinking. Because $20 is not going to be enough for what I wanted to get into. And that meant I had to do a whole lot of manipulating. That meant I had to be around people that I didn't like, waiting for them to offer me something, begging. That's the best my mind can do. So this particular day, when there was nothing less for me to try, I didn't have to do anything. I had to get to my place where I needed to be. I knew I had to do something. I knew I had to do something. I knew I needed to be a part of this. I didn't have to do anything. I knew I needed to be a part of this. And the next moment, a power burst upon me that I had never felt before. And I knew in that moment that I was done. See, I'm convinced to this day that the problem was removed. The obsession was lifted. You know, I never know how to describe God's grace. I always say that God's grace is a gift because I didn't do anything to earn it. but in that next moment I was able to walk past my mom who would sit on that couch every day when I would go out to see what condition I would be in and either I would lie until I wasn't high or I would lie until I would tell her the truth that I was high and that was going to kill her but this particular day I told her I was done and by this point I had no ID because I had lost it in a either in a cab or an after hours because I loved after hours I just loved the whole idea of being out in the city where most people didn't even know we were getting down like that now I now I'm unemployable and the jobs that I'm getting you know in Bill's story I don't remember exactly where but I surrounded my my life was surrounded by I surrounded my life with everything that had to do with alcohol I got it I was a cocktail waitress at an after hours I'd wake up at 4 a.m. to go to work. I got jobs as a hostess at a fine dining restaurant so I can be around booze. That's where my life had taken me. So now I have no ID because I don't know where the hell it is. And I take myself to a detox and I did not hear AA. I didn't hear NA. I was so mocus. I never knew what mocus meant, but I started hearing mocus. So I was definitely mocus. And I was asked, was I willing to go to any length a few times in my life? And I went to a treatment facility and Myers talked about a treatment facility. See, I'm grateful for that treatment facility because I realized that on my own, I do not know how to change myself because it was a behavior modification facility. I got job training, which I needed because there was a whole block. of time that I hadn't really worked. So I was very grateful for that. I got my first big book from one of the counselors and they weren't supposed to do that. And so now I'm about to graduate and I'm getting frightened because I don't know what I just did that was going to change my life. See, now today, I realize that the thought of a drink had never occurred while I was in that treatment facility. See, now I'm trying to follow the rules. I'm trying not to get my past pulled. See, those were the conditions where I was willing to be honest and do the right thing because of what's in it for me. See, when we have that transition, by God, we just show up being honest for honesty's sake. So you'll never hear me say that I'm working on changing myself because I don't have that power because my default is fear. My default is to control. So now I'm in AA and my first AA meeting, quite frankly, it was because they were going to close the house and I didn't want to be stuck in a place with underage people. So I'm in AA and my first AA meeting, quite frankly, it was because they were going to close the house and I didn't want to be stuck in a place with underage people. So I'm in AA and my first AA meeting, quite frankly, it was because they were going to close the house and I didn't want to be stuck in a place with underage people. So I go to this meeting and I hear two types of shares. And I'm like, okay, I'm hearing just don't drink for today. And I'm like, oh, Lord, now I got to watch out for a drink. It just seemed very, like, daunting. Okay, now, like, I just came from this treatment facility. I got to go. And now I'm living at home and I'm 43 and I got to go back to my mother and she's probably still going to be thinking I'm going to pick up. And now I got to watch for a drink. but I heard another type of share. I heard somebody sharing, a few people sharing that they had something that I wanted that I definitely didn't have. They had a sense of ease and comfort about them that I didn't know could exist because I never had that even as a child, even as a teenager, even as in high school and in my early work career. And see, I always say, and I, and as I'm leading up to tonight, I did a scan over my life because I know more about my relationship with God and the 20 years and less about what I was like before. And I got to tell you, I always said that I don't know what I did in early AA to find this path in my first couple of meetings. There was a woman that was outside the meeting and she asked me, was I willing to go to any length, never to drink again? What? Never again. Well, that was what I wanted because I didn't want to be watching for this thing because I didn't have any luck before. I would watch and then I would forget to watch. And the next thing I know I'm drinking and she's on the phone and she, I know she's very humble, but I got to give a shout out. To the woman who saved my life. And I, I, I believe God led me to Loretta. And I was still sitting in a treatment facility when I hit this big book with her and her husband, Sidney, rest his soul. And for the first time I understood what my problem was. I, you know, I was hearing it's the first drink. Well, what the hell does that mean? Well, you know, I'm a B I'm a good AA. Okay. First drink. But you know, they say that the message that holds this, these alcoholics has to have depth and weight. And before I can seek the problem, I need to know my truth. Am I a real alcoholic? Do I lose control? Once I start to drink, do I have the power to stay stopped? And did I lose the power of choice? Cause there were times, and I got to tell you, I went through some shit. I didn't have the power to change my drinking career. And yes, it was a career. I spent more time in my drinking career than I did my real career and living in the world of at least I ain't paying my rent. Well, at least they didn't throw me out. And I was psyching myself up to think that everything was okay. Not realizing that I didn't have the power to change anything. So I'm convincing myself where I am is okay. Like it's okay. Not to have a bed. I'm not going to have a bed. I'm not going to have a bed. I'm not going to have a bed. I'm not going to have a bed. I'm not going to have a bed. I'm not going to have a bed. I'm not going to have a bedroom set. Just have a mattress on the floor. See, I was too cheap to buy a bed set. Like Bill, I made sure that my bill bar tab was paid and my drug tab was paid. That was more important. And so I'm meeting with this woman and I am just, I realized, oh, the reason why when I am supposed to pick up my check, I'm supposed to pick up my check. And I hang out on Saturday, on Thursday, and I don't pick up my check because I'm still hanging out on Friday. I'm thinking I'm irresponsible. I didn't know it was this craving. So it started to make sense. And see, the beautiful thing about this is as I'm working with her, I'm still living in this treatment facility. And now I'm seeing things are different. Now I'm ready to move home. I'm not afraid to move home because I've got some hope now. And so when I leave Queens, this woman puts me in the hands of another spiritual giant, Rashid. I didn't know Rashid from nothing, but I was willing to believe what these people had. I better do what they do. So I am so grateful that I'm now safe. I'm so grateful that I'm now safe. I am so grateful that I am now safe. I am so grateful that I am now safe. I am so grateful that I am now safe. I am now safe. I am now safe. I am now safe. I did not try to manage my life without a drink. You know, they say we perfect our spiritual life. If I had left that treatment facility and went home, sat in meetings, telling me, well, you know, 90 days, I don't know if I would have lasted. Because in 18 months, I didn't know what I did that was going to keep me from a drink. I also know that the problem was removed in our big book, in the 4 to the 2nd edition. It says six months earlier, the broker had been relieved of his drink obsession by a sudden spiritual experience. And more about alcoholism on page 42. They had the curious feeling, I had the curious feeling that my alcoholic condition was relieved. How it works, that probably no human power could have relieved our alcoholism. Into action on page 85. Instead, the problem has been removed. To wives on page 120. God has either removed your husband's liquor problem or he has not. I did not stop drinking on August 5th, 2000. See, the miracle was right there, right then. And see, I always tell people that I work with, and I've been very, very, very busy on God's behalf. I have been working with others when I was not even doing four-step amends. People were coming to me, and I was like, Loretta, what am I going to do? She says, if you are a page ahead, you work with people. See, when I stopped drinking, I stopped, but I would pick up. And I always tell people, if you think after you're going through four chapters on step one, and you can answer yes. I was powerless over picking up the first drink because of the mental obsession. My mind could not manufacture the decision for me not to pick up the drink, if you can say yes to that. And once the alcohol is in my body, I have no idea sometimes how many drinks I'm going to have. And then there were times when I said, that's it, I'm staying in this weekend. And the next thing I know, there's a drink in my hand, so I lost the power of choice. And all of a sudden, today, you're not drinking, and you've got some time in between you and the drink. Is it because you miraculously got power over alcoholism? I'm sorry, over alcohol? Or has the power already done the miraculous? And if that's the case, don't you want more of that, God? Yeah. I mean... Is that time? I have no idea how much longer I go, Kelly. Kelly, will somebody give me a warning? Sure. If you want to wrap it up in the next couple minutes, we'll move on to the next speaker. Great. Well, since I interrupted my own share, I think I'm going to wrap it up, Kelly, because I don't know. Once I stop the spirit, I don't know how to pick it back up. So... Okay. Thank you. Our next speaker is Sarah from Denver, Colorado. Hi, everyone. My name is Sarah, and I'm a grateful member of Al-Anon. And I'm so grateful to be with you all this weekend. I feel like I have to tell you that I'm actually not in Denver this weekend. I'm actually at my parents' house in Southeast Texas. And we are just... We're just on the periphery of this hurricane that's moving through. So if you hear loud noises outside, hear trees, wind, some lights flickering, the connection totally cuts out, that's why. But otherwise, you know, so far I've been able to be able to be engaged in the workshop so far. So hopefully we don't run into any issues. But, you know, it's not lost on me that it's kind of ironic that I'm at my parents' house when I'm participating. I'm at my parents' house when I'm participating in a workshop on Al-Anon and the big book and the 12 steps. This, for me, this place, this is where it all began. Very unknowingly to me. And I really want to tell a little bit of my story of what led me here to help explain, you know, what qualifies me to be a member of Al-Anon. Because I was extremely confused about that qualification and, therefore, the unmanageability and the powerlessness in my life. For a really long time, it kept me really stuck. And so, for me, I've never been around a friend or a family member who is actively in the throes of their addiction or drinking, you know, bottles everywhere, drinking, booze. It's not my story. But I grew up in a family that was very much impacted by alcoholism. And that's because this is a family disease. And so nowhere does it say that the alcoholic has to be drinking for me to qualify. And come into Al-Anon. In fact, I didn't know until I was 24 years old that my dad is actually a dry drunk. Looking back, it makes sense, right? There's a lot of sickness in my household. And that was because of the disease of alcoholism. Untreated alcoholism. It had, like, a grip on all of our throats. But none of us really knew it. I was the youngest child out of three. And all I remember is just being really scared all the time. My house was unsafe. Not because there was drinking, but because there was more yelling and confusion and door slamming. And I just wanted to hide and be safe. I didn't feel safe anywhere. And I felt like I couldn't trust adults and other people. And the irony behind that is that I was always taught you can only trust your family. And I couldn't trust my family at all. And so this led to a whole host of survival mechanisms for me. I have later become character defects. But they got me through that period of neglect and loneliness and parenting myself. I was the one who got myself ready for school. I was the one who was on top of all my grades. I just wanted to go unnoticed, be perfect, get perfect grades so that nothing could come at me. I wouldn't incur any wrath or anger or attention at all. And so, you know, later into my time, I was able to be myself. I was able to be myself. I was able to be myself. I was able to be myself. I was able to be myself. teenage years and early adulthood these survival traits really transformed into those defects but I didn't really get it right of course I didn't know that I had been impacted by alcoholism but beyond that I thought that these things were actually pretty good about me right that I could pull myself up by my bootstraps I could hide my emotions that I was a constant achiever I didn't see that there's a negative side to it and I had a friend who's a member of Alcoholics Anonymous gently suggest one time that I might want to check out Al-Anon and I was so confused he's just so confused you know why would I need to do that you know by then I had known that my dad was a dry drunk but I've never seen him drink right I've never seen anyone be in the throes of it or been with them right well well that element has been present but again I I had been impacted and so when I went to my first few meetings I didn't get it I didn't think that I had a problem in fact I thought that I had everything under control which control for me it's a really dangerous word right how can my life be powerless and how could it be or how could I be powerless over alcohol and how could my life be unmanageable when it's not even present you know and so I kept kind of going and popping in every once in a while and my husband is a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and he's a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous and he's also a member of Al-Anon and I started to hear him talk more and more about Al-Anon and get kind of a different recovery than he had in Alcoholics Anonymous he kept just gently suggesting you know you might want to go check it out and you know by this time I had been in a ton of therapy had done a lot of other introspection and work and I thought which I was really proud about but nothing was changing and I started to get really unhappy and there's a passage in the book that perfectly describes the way I was feeling before I came to Al-Anon and it's what we call the bedevilments and it says we were having trouble with personal relationships we couldn't control our emotional natures we were afraid of misery and depression we couldn't make a living we had a feeling of uselessness we were full of fear we were unhappy we couldn't seem to be a real help to other people and yet on the outside I don't think anyone would have guessed that but on the inside it was just burning a hole in my heart and I didn't know why and so I finally got to the point where I was asked to chair a conference and I said yes of course always ready to please ready to achieve ready to perform and there is something about me in this conference that brought me to my knees note it was not an alcoholic it was a bottle that I found it was all about me because what hurt so badly was that I wanted it to be perfect and I wanted to impress everyone and I wanted to look good never mind that that wasn't the purpose of the conference but I grew really really obsessed and that's where I really got to see that my disease my my disease with Al-Anon you know having been impacted by alcoholism is a disease of my thinking right of my perception and just like it is with alcoholism as it says in the book you know my Al-Anon thinking life was the only normal one to me I didn't know that anything was off and all these things that I was doing I was doing one other thing that I want to call out that was just absolutely crazy was that you know with my partner whenever we would get into conflict he would be really good about taking things down and he would be really good about taking things down and I would be really good from space and saying I need a timeout or I'm going to go to the basement and just kind of check out I need a break that was not going to fly with me this just was not acceptable because I had to be okay and I wasn't okay if there was a fight if there were open ends if there are loose ends so I would follow him right again no bottles around no act of alcoholism but my thinking is just off the rails and so this kind of behavior which that's what this all is this is about me this isn't about the alcohol it's about me my lack of connection to God my lack of trust and the fact that I have a spiritual malady that's what's running me into the ground and that's what leads my life to become completely unmanageable so finally I came in Al-Anon and I could really hear people and what they were sharing and hear the similarities rather than the differences got a sponsor we started going through the work and I really got a better understanding of this disease and how it impacts me but what's so important is that self-knowledge avails me nothing right I can know all of these things about myself and I'm kind of my favorite topic right I love thinking about myself and over analyzing and figuring things out but that's not the answer I could think about myself and over analyzing and figuring things out but that's not the answer fix and control this I would but the problem is when I try and fix and control this when I try and fix and control my distorted thinking it doesn't work and it's exhausting and so when I come in and I fully understand what this looks like and I can see that I'm powerless over alcoholism and its impact on me that's when I get to be the place where I'm going to find some freedom right I have to surrender first and that's what the first step helps me do it shows me what a wreck my life is quite frankly all on my own right I'm good at manufacturing my own misery and the way that I was brought up through the work is using the big book and replacing drinking every time the word drinking is in there with the word thinking and with the word alcohol with problem thinking and I gotta tell you it is a profound experience and I think it's a really important thing to do and I think it's a really important experience to know that the alcoholics on the flip side of what I'm saying are experiencing something so so similar and so I gotta keep doing this if I want to find that relief I'll tell you I want that ease and comfort I want that serenity sometimes I just make it too hard on myself it's like I can't help it and you know it took a long time for those character defects and those defense mechanisms to kind of build up it's not gonna happen overnight but what I find in this program is I do find relief and that's all through a higher power it's by me stepping back and saying oh okay the world is taken care of my life is taken care of the alcoholic is taken care of I can rest when I don't do that I'm just running around and round and round on a hamster wheel and you know I've gone through these steps several times and every time it's different I gotta say for me step one is an experience I have to go through it with everything that I have mentally spiritually physically emotionally to get to that point where I'm ready to get help sometimes I just want to hold on way too tight because I feel like it's keeping me safe whether that's with an old idea whether that's with a person whether that's what you name it all of these things can lead my life to become unmanageable I've done first steps around work probably more than anything that's where I really like to dip into those old behaviors of performing and achieving and looking good and it's like an old rut that I can't help but sink into and I get into a lot of pain about it so so painful and maybe one day I'll be able to get to that point where I'm willing to surrender without being in so much pain but what I will say today is I can recognize it a lot better than it took me to get to that point where I'm willing this whole time for me to come in and really realize that I'm I'm my life becomes unmanageable and so luckily today when I have an issue with anything that comes up really because again this program is about practicing these principles in all of our affairs I do not just practice in the rooms of Al-Anon rubber really hits the road when I'm in places like my parents house or you know with my parent or with my husband's family or work right and so whenever I get into that place I pick up the phone and I call my sponsor and she she asks the question point blank right are you powerless yes I'm powerless over everything is my life unmanageable yes luckily my pain tolerance is not as high as it used to be as being alone with my thoughts right it's a scary neighborhood but when I let God come in when I ask for help that's when the light comes in that's where it starts shining again but I need you all to help point me in that right direction so I know I'll never be done right I'm going to continue iterating on this experience it's going to look different next time relative to what it looks like this time and that's okay but what I love about this program is that it's a design for living right design for living for everything so even when my alcoholics are doing great like everything else can spiral out of control right and that's my problem I'm my biggest problem right this is a disease that resides in my mind so I have to have something that comes in between me and that next thought that I don't want to have so I'm really grateful to be with you all tonight really grateful to be with you this weekend and that's all I have step one thank you thank you Sarah closing out uh step one is now hello everybody my name is Matt I'm a recovered alcoholic uh thank you to the committee for having us thank you Myers Donna Sarah all right so it's fitting that that somewhere in New England they would need a Mariano type from the Bronx to close it out I get it I get it so I have some baseball fans some people are laughing some people have no idea what I'm talking about but that's cool too so my sobriety dates may not be the same as my focus so Sponsored by WYU two- Gmail network thanks for watching guys I'm got a sponsor who has a sponsor I sponsor guys and some of those guys sponsor guys and and hey is the central central fact of my life right I was like Donna I'm really lucky that I when I got here got here for real I didn't sit too long before somebody told me that I had to dig through these pages of book to find is far beyond anything I could have ever imagined and so far from the man that I was five, six years ago when I was stumbling through life trying to figure out what was wrong with me. You know, I came, I, you know, I'm a Puerto Rican kid from the South Bronx, right? Like I'm, I was born in, like born into the crack epidemic of the 80s, you know. I lived in a house that was, that was two completely different worlds. My dad got caught up in the crack epidemic of the 80s. He was a hustler like no other hustler. You know, he, he got, he sold crack, sold crack, sold crack, used crack, used crack, used crack, owed somebody some money, got himself shot a couple blocks from my home right before I turned six, right? My grandma, my maternal grandmother died an alcoholic death a year before that and then I had a cousin who died shortly after that from AIDS that she got from being promiscuous and using dirty needles. You know, so alcoholism, drug addiction, they run deep in my family and yet I had a mom who was a nurse who could give up the party life and she was a straight-A student, graduated from one of the best schools in the Bronx, top of her nursing class. And, and also the old man left me alone in a house with nine women, nine women, right? And so, so my life, I felt uncomfortable and out of place from a very young age. When I got here, you told me I was restless, irritable, and discontent and that was describing how I felt and, and my experience from long before I ever even knew what alcohol was or what it would do for me or to me. You know, I had my first drink. My mom was getting remarried and I'm Puerto Rican, but my Spanish is terrible. It's gotten better now. You know, I can't, we didn't listen to Spanish music growing up. We listened to Motown. We listened to good rock music. I can understand what you were saying, Myers. You know, and, and, and so my mom's getting remarried in Puerto Rico to a guy I don't like in a country with the language I don't speak with people I don't know. And I'm sitting in the bathroom and I'm like pacing back and forth. And my, my stepbrother walks in and he says, what's wrong with you? I said, I can't really talk to anybody. I don't know how to dance to this music. I can't understand what they're saying. And my mom's getting married, man. Like she was all I had. He's like, I know what will fix that. And he disappears and he comes back with a rum and coke. Right. And the tension that was in my trap muscles, the tightness that was in my collar, the discomfort that came from speaking Spanish, it all disappeared. By the bottom of that drink, I was shaking my hips, dancing, making music. I was speaking my broken Spanish to whoever would listen. Right. And I loved everybody, including the guy my mom was marrying, how you should see those wedding photos. And I realized very quickly that all of that tension that had been building up my entire life, all of the things that I felt that separated me from you, all of the thought patterns that ran through my mind, like a, like an endless conveyor belt of thought, those things disappeared. And the more I drank, the more they disappeared. The more comfortable I was in my own skin. And it was something I'd never been. You know, I, and that, that didn't like, like I, I didn't make the connection. Like I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm playing with fire here, Matt. Like this thing has burnt everybody who came before you. Right. Your mom was smart enough to put it down. And she was the only one who seemed to have it all together. Right. And I went through life, like acting like a teenager, right. I had to live a double life. I wanted to know what it meant to be a man. I had no model. And that led me to the streets, but I was a straight A student, right? Like I sold guns and drugs in the street, but you needed it by seven. Cause I had to be home by seven 30 and my mom would kick my ass. Right. And I was just, I was living this double life and drugs and alcohol and sex and all of those things. They made me forget about the tension or keeping up with the lies or, or I didn't have to have on a persona. I was just me when I was drunk and you loved me and I loved you. And I skated through life doing that. Right. Like I got through school relatively easy, relatively easily. You know, my, I didn't, I didn't have to try that hard. I got through college, graduated college. I did that pretty easily. You know, I, I became a New York city firefighter. I did. I went through that 18 week Academy with, with, you know, I was a New York city paramedic. I'm I've, I've traveled the world in the country, rock climbing, right. I was a tournament level chess player. Like I'd done all of these things because one day I decided and I said, I liked these things and I want to do them or they mean something to me and I'm going to take them through to completion. Right. And about 25 years old, I'd kicked a woman out. I was with a woman for five years and she had everything together. She had everything together. She graduated college, you know, with a master's degree in four, four and a half years, something like that. Said she was going to buy a condo. The minute she left college, she did exactly, exactly that. She helped me keep life together. She kept a perfectly clean apartment. She was smart. She was funny. She was beautiful. And I walked in one day with the weight of the world on my shoulders that I've carried around. It wasn't enough Corona in the bar. And I walked in the door and I said, you got to leave. And that was a Thursday. And then on Monday I moved the girl in. And this girl was a hot tamale, but whatever. I'm an alcoholic. That's what our relationships look like. And six months later, this girl was, was pregnant with my child. Now this is a girl I don't know. Having a child with a person I don't know, who's getting ready to be charged with raising a man. And I don't know what a man is. And so I drank. Right. And this brought me back to the drink in a way that I'd never, I'd never embraced before, or I'd never explored before. You see, it started real easy. Like I'm, I'm, I had gotten a job with the city and I was going to the academy and I was wearing uniform. And before I didn't like doing that because, man, I had to work a full-time job and I had to have responsibilities and I had to show up when somebody told me to show up. And I didn't like that. I liked the illusion of control. And so telling my, telling, you know, my pregnant girlfriend, you know, I'm just going to, I'm going to go to the bar after work. And it started at happy hour. And then eventually it was Fridays and Saturdays. And then eventually who knew when I was coming home, right. And my mom who'd, who'd buried a mother from alcoholism, she buried a man from who got murdered from his life in the drug world, who was also a drug addict, who buried a niece from her heroin addiction and had, and had worked for 20 something years as a nurse in a drug rehab center. She looked at me and she said, Matt, what are you doing to yourself? You have a drinking problem. And I laughed and I said, man, I don't have a drinking problem. When I go out to drink, I make a choice to go out to drink. I don't wake up on a park bench. I don't brown bag it. I don't need a drink to get out of bed. I don't really drink during the day. I didn't realize that if I drank all night and was still drinking at seven, that was day drinking, but that's me. And so like, I didn't understand. And so that went on and progressed for a while until I joined the New York city fire department. And if anybody knows anything about fire department, it's the greatest drinking fraternity in the history of mankind. Every single thing that we encounter is an Irish funeral softball on Tuesday, 10 AM, feel the coolest. Somebody dies, feel the coolest. Somebody's born, feel the coolest. Doesn't matter. It breeds. It's the perfect place for an alcoholic to hide. They're very forgiving on alcoholics. If I messed up my work schedule, I was the worst guy in the firehouse. If I drank too much and I came late because I was hung over, it was all okay and all forgiven. And I thought I'd found my people. Right. And I wandered into an AA meeting because the heat was getting on my back. And the first thing that I heard in the meeting was a guy said, I was living in the Port Authority bus terminal and I did some unspeakable things for my next bottle of gin. And what I said was I'd never been that thirsty. I'd never been homeless. And so I walked out of the room and I compared myself out. And I wandered into another AA meeting and I didn't hear a word they had to say, because I was just sitting in that room because I, because the girl told me, if you don't go to AA, I'm leaving. And then at work, you know, because what I would do is I draw, I draw a line in the sand. I'd step over that line and I'd draw another line in the sand. And a line that I drew really early in my life was that I'll never be my dad. I'll never let it get that far. I'd never mess up on my family like that because I had this, this resentment and this, why couldn't he just get it together for his family? Why didn't he love me enough to do it? Drugs, alcohol, they'd never take me there. I would never allow that to happen. And in and out of AA, and, and I would walk in and it'd be a different problem every time, right? For a while, when I was younger than my sister was the villain in my story, seven years older than me, left with my mom having to work two jobs and taking care of me. And it was drugs, sex, alcohol in my house. And, and I was ignored. And I, you know, and I learned all of these, these things that I learned as survival, survival skills, or defense mechanisms and coping mechanisms. And so I blamed her for that. Or it was my dad who got himself killed. Or it was my mom who was too busy. Or it was the girlfriend who, whatever it was. And all of those things led me to a drink and they were living perfectly normal life. And I came with one of those reasons why my drinking got out of control every time I came to AA. Right. And I do what you guys told me for 90 days, I'd go to meetings for, for, you know, I'd get a commitment. I'd make coffee. You know, I'd, I'd book speakers for my home group meeting. I'd stand outside. Dr. And I'd greet people. I'd go with carloads of guys to the detox. But what I didn't do was listen to the words. I wanted to get to 164 to say I could get to 164. So it could be another, another accomplishment I put on the wall, but I wasn't doing the things that said between one and 164. I could quote the book because I went to enough big book meetings. My sponsor was one of them. My sponsor was a big book guy, but it wasn't like, you know, the longest road. What is, what does Pete Marinelli say? Right. The longest road is from the head to the heart. And it was here. It was here, but it wasn't here. And so, so finally, right. Like I was 90 days sober and, and I was like, you know what? Like I got, I got a check out of nowhere from the city for five grand. Now that's not a ton of money, but for an alcoholic like me, that's a long weekend apart. And so, so I called my cousin, who's my running buddy. I said, Jay, let's go, man. Let's go. Let's do this. Weekend's on me. Let's go out. Now, if you, if anybody's from New York city or been in New York city, he's, he's left over from the days of like Roxy and Sound Factor. This guy was in his 40s. And he was still going out every single weekend. And I said, I said, Jay, come on, man. Let's, let's do this. And he ignored me all night long. And finally I get him on the phone at one o'clock in the morning. He says, Matt, what are you doing? He says, you got this aid thing going on. You got God in your life. You're 90 days sober. He's like, man, like he was a New York city train operator. He said, man, like I got, I got it. I got to tell my four-year-old daughter that I can't drive trains anymore. Cause I just failed my fourth drug test with the city. I gotta go back to selling cars. And my response to him was, you know what, dude, give me the phone number. I need to get what I want. Cause I'm going out tonight. And he hung up the phone on me. He sent me a text. Right. And I told myself that like, I go to AA on Monday and spoiler alert, like I didn't make it to AA on Monday. And what I learned in that moment in retrospect was that all of those well-wishing people who told me, Matt, don't drink no matter what. Don't drink and go to meetings. They meant well, but if I could just not drink, I wouldn't need to go to meetings. And I learned that the only, no matter what club I'm a member of is I'm going to drink no matter what, if I can't get a spiritual experience between me and the drink. And so for four months, I just ran my life into the ground. And the only reason it only lasted four months is because I am a giant coward pretending to be a man. 40, 40 pounds underweight table saw through the middle of my thumb. Cause I was trying to do drunken home improvement. I was, I grew up with. I grew up with nine women. I can't hammer a nail. Right? Like it was, it was bad trying drugs. I'd never tried before. Right? And the only semblance of normalcy I had was my relationship with my son, that hot tamale that I got with, she was in and out of his life. So I was raising him myself. And so one morning in May of 2016, I couldn't get out of bed. I've been up for three or four days and I can hear this little guy getting himself ready for school in the next room. And I can't get out of bed and I'm beating myself up. And I never really like, it never took me to suicide, but I thought in that moment, like if I die, maybe he'll be better without me. I'd be perfectly okay if I die right here. And then this voice came into my head. It was real quiet, right? And if you're anything like me, you beat yourself up drunk or not drunk. And the voice said, you know, Matt, if you don't get up and do something about this shit, dude, you're going to leave me alone. You're going to leave me. You're going to leave me. You're going to leave me. You're going to leave me. You're going to leave me. You're going to leave that little boy with the same fate you had. Get up. And I did. And I made a phone call. I called his mom and I called my mom and I called my job and I called my sponsor and said I got to do this thing. I had to do it for real. I got to stop thinking I got it all figured out. And so I went to treatment. Right? And I was really lucky. I was really, really, really blessed that when I walked in the door, the first thing they handed me before they took my clothes and emptied my pocket of drugs. and emptied out the six-pack that I took for the ride and all that other stuff. They handed me a big book. And I started reading through this book and they were saying things that I hadn't heard the first couple of times I'd gone through it. And I went to treatment and I wanted to be the smartest guy in treatment. And a week into treatment, this thought came into my head and it was like, you know, I shouldn't be answering people's questions or telling them how AA works. You know, I corrected a guy because he messed, one of the speakers, because he messed up the third step prayer, right? Like this ego that I had, right? Because you remove me from alcohol for 30 minutes and my ego grows back like a cancer, like Bob Dowsey. Right? And I realized that I needed to be plucked from society to keep from killing myself and everybody I loved in the process, right? Because I just can't stop. And I got to work and I came back and I really wanted to know what this truth was. I'd read the first 164 while I was in treatment. I started writing a little bit. I started writing things like how alcohol affects you. How alcohol impacted my life, my spiritual life, my physical life, and all this stuff. They had these worksheets, but they were actually really spiritual. And everybody who worked there was on the other side of a 12-step experience. And I came back and I like, like I'm sitting with this guy, Chris D, man. And he's like, there's some people in this program that God just sends right to you. And he was one of them. And I still work with him today. And he says, and I said, Chris, I get it, man. Like I can't drink. I can't drink. Like when I drink, this stuff happens. You know, like, and I'm holding up the sheet. Like this is my defense against the first drink. And he explained to me in non-certain terms. He says, you're a fool. You have no idea what you're talking about. He said, you know, it's easy to see the physical part of my disease. It's easy to see that I have no power once I start drinking, right? That's easy. When I walk into the bar, I might tell you that I'm only going to have two. And sometimes I might, right? The book says at certain times. But I don't know walking into the bar which night is going to be which. And once that boots hits my lips, all bets are off. That has nothing to do with my mind. My body takes over and I get thirstier and thirstier with every drink. He said, but that's not the crux of it all, Matt. The problem is that at some point or another, with all of that evidence in your hand, with your son crying at your knees, with your girlfriend begging you not to go, with your mom telling you something, your cousin on the phone telling you, dude, keep it together. You got God in your life. At some point or another, if you don't get a spiritual experience, your brain is going to convince you that a drink is a good idea. And I learned right then and there, the step one isn't I can't drink. Step one is I'm going to drink. I empower less, right? I who thought so well of myself and my ability to disarm my obstacles, all of these accomplishments that I've had, all of the intellect that I could apply to those things. When you told me I couldn't apply it to alcohol, that was a death blow to my ego. And I sat with my sponsor and I said, man, listen, like, but my life is still manageable. I still got some power somewhere. He says, that's not it either. Matt, you think the car or the apartment or the kid, you think that's a manageable life? He says, but how do you feel on the inside if I give you those things or take them away? Right? You want to manage your life, so you'll shrink it to something you can manage. And yet God, like God has all of this planned for you. And he wants to help you manage your spirit, dude. Like it's bigger than what your life looks like right now. And it was terrifying. Because I'd looked for God before. 20 years of Catholic education, I wandered into the churches trying to get sober before I found AA and I walked up to the altar and I got an anointing with special oils on my forehead. And I said, can you please help me with my alcoholism? And you know what? It didn't matter. It didn't matter how good the sermon was or how awesome the music was and how loud the band played. It didn't matter how fired up I got, if I got goosebumps or not. When I walked out of that church, I stopped at the bar on the way home. Because that was my truth. Lack of power was really my dilemma. And if I wasn't going to get a grip on that idea, I can't move the bottle out of the way to attack the elephant in the room. If I don't recognize that I'm trying to manage, like I can't just will my way through this thing. I can't think my way through this thing. I needed to get to a place where I could be myself. I needed to get to a place where I could be myself. I needed to get to a place where I could be myself. I needed to get to a place where somebody explained to me what my problem was. And I needed to take all of the hats that I wear outside of AA when I walked in the room and just say, I'm Matt, I'm an alcoholic. Because that separates all of the details. Nobody rides in here on the wings of victory. The details of our story are different, but we are not. And so if I could come to terms with the fact that we had the absolute same problem, then maybe, just maybe, the solution you guys were talking about, it could work for me. Thank you, guys. Thank you so much to all of our speakers this evening. The link for the recording is being posted in the chat now. So be sure to scoop that up. Tomorrow morning, please join us at 8 o'clock for our guided meditation. And at 9 o'clock, step two begins. Thank you for joining us this evening. Good night.