Step 1 and the Delusion That She Was Like Other People – Virginia T.

Hi, I'm Virginia, a Grateful Recovering Alcoholic. Now that he's got me worn out along the Drunk-A-Long Road in Mississippi, then he does a nice clean introduction. It is a pleasure and a privilege to be anywhere and to participate in anything involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. our topic that was picked out today by my brother Jerry who's walking in the door is the AA path and he knew that would be a broad subject for me although it's a narrow road and when I got to Alcoholic Anonymous and I was directed to read The Doctor's Opinion, There's a Solution and Chapter 3 and when I got to chapter 3 I found an immediate identity in 2004 I hear a lot of people saying things like I can't identify with my sponsor she doesn't have any time for me I said I know she's got a life when you get sober you're going to get a life but when I read chapter 3 in the very beginning it impressed me and still impresses me today and I believe that it is the foundation to walk on the AA path Most of us, it says, has been unwilling to admit we are real alcoholics. And therefore, it is not surprising that our drinking career has been characterized by countless vain attempts to prove that we can drink and be like other people. The idea that somehow, someday, we can drain control and enjoy our drinking is a great obsession of every abnormal drinker. Many of us pursue that into the gates of insanity or death. And I almost did. The delusion that we are like other people has to be smashed, smashed, destroyed, busted up, done away with. And that to me, and a lot more than that, is the very foundation for my paying attention when they were giving directions as to how to get on this path. We learned that we had to fully conceive to our innermost selves that we're alcoholics. This is the first step in recovery. The very first step in recovery requires some investigation of where I've been, what's happening to me, where am I at now, which way do I want to go from here? And so I sat down one night and had a serious talk with myself because one of the things that greatly disturbed me was the couples that were in the AA rooms, the happy women. You know, two-time women were happy with handsome husbands you know six foot two and that to call them baby doll and looked at him with endearing eyes like no man had looked at me ever you know and and i had never experienced the the the unity and the love that i saw coming from these people and they cared so much about me and it it knocked me out now i can give you a a drunk along there will keep us drunk from here to next week. But I found out after I got here and I saw all of this stuff that my drunk a log had very little to do with my being an alcoholic. You know, it is the stuff that the paste that was held a paper together. But what happens to me is I happen to be born bodily and mentally different from a fellow man. So it's just not surprising that my drinking career had been timeless vain attempts to prove I mean I'm just different you know my sister was raised up under the same circumstances and she did not drink she tasted one of them little short cans of Coors that they used to make and she said this stuff is nasty and I don't like the way it makes me feel and she poured it down the sink and I almost had a stroke you know that is a disgrace to the drinkers of America, you know. And I was a bona fide drunk, you know, so when I come into these rooms and I see all these people begging me, and that's another thing that knocked me out, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. I thought this must be serious. Scared to death when I heard them reading 5% of your problem is your drinking, 95% is your thinking. I never could control my thinking. So I'm kind of baffled and I'm kind of impressed and I'm kind of wishing that I could have some of what they got. You know, I don't want to get too good in here because I ain't no saint. Don't want to be no saint, you got to be dead when you're a saint. So I ainít ready to die, Iím only 34 years old, Iím ready to live, you know. But I paid attention because in 1966 April 8th when I came in old timers would hug you or slug you and I've been molded in that same pattern so I promise to tell you the exact path that I have traveled in Alcoholic Anonymous in a brief summative manner trust me I will not take you through the details I won't tell you about the lonely homely ugly little fatherless motherless shoeless kid because all that stuff didn't have anything to do with it It helps a lot, though, if any of y'all have been through it. I mean, it'll help you to stay convinced when you get here. But nevertheless, I'm in these rooms, and there's maybe 150 people in most meetings and about 50% old-timers and about 25% newcomers, brand new. So I'm here for a couple of weeks, and my sponsor said, see that new lady coming in the door? I said, yeah, go over there and tell her how to stay sober. I don't know how to stay sober you can tell her how to be crazy as hell and still not drink go tell her because you've been crazy as Hell for two weeks and you ain't drank and so I went over and I said hi, I'm Virginia whatever her name was I said you can stay sober I know you can be crazy ass Hell because I've been crazed as Hell and I stayed sober for two week she said two weeks she was so impressed I got impressed you know i got impressed and so the very first thing that i learned to do in this program was to sit down and accept where i was and accept the fact that i'm a drunk i done lost the war i have lost the ability to drink control and enjoy my drinking and it will not come back no more you know and the second thing that I understood around here was that you immediately share until you can learn to care. Because people don't care how much you know until they know how much you care. They don't cares what you know. Yeah, I sat in front of Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob. Yeah, i sat in from of Clarence Snyder. Yes, I've been where some of the big boys are but don't you know a newcomer could care less? And so I found out right then and there that well, I got an inkling about my primary purpose you know because they kept drilling in you you know your job is to get it and then to give it away i said if i ever get it whatever it is i ain't giving it away i might sell it might lease it but i ain'T gonna give nothing away i got nothing to give away you know i'm gonna keep what i got and so i went on and on and then i was given my next assignment it says now you got to be a service to the group and in those days they use real china cups and you know 100 and some cups every night so i had to wash the cups then they said now you got to learn how to come down here and clean the hall clean the club so every tuesday was cleanup day and they took advantage of all us newcomers and took us down there and old timers pitched in and we all cleaned up the club. And you got to go to meetings every day, 90 meetings, 90 days. And you've got to read these chapters and you've Got to tell me what's in these chapters. And so I'm starting on my drill. I'm doing my little homework because you better do it because I'm telling you they'll take you outside and zap you up, you know. And I didn't want to get zapped up because some of them looked pretty mean. You know, they didn't joke. And so if I haven't come up, I was not raised with a bunch of jokes or light feelings or do it your way. You know, I would still do it the way. And I had a big book that left no misunderstanding in my head. My big book did not say here are the steps we took which are suggested as a program of recovery. My very first big book said here are some of the steps that we took which are directed as a problem of recovery My big book did not tell me that I may find God now. My big books said you must find God now and especially after they read to me that no human power could relieve my alcoholism then I discovered that I needed God right away and like all newcomers today I wanted to get a whole head full of God immediately. In fact, I wanted him to just cast the demons out of me. My sponsor said he didn't cast them in you. You acquired them quite well by yourself. In the same manner, you will have to get rid of them. And the demons that you call demon, the devil's work, were just habits that you cultivated along the way. And you use them long enough to become a part of your character. And most of them are bad habits, so you now have a defective character. And we're going to expose that defective characteristic to you, enough for you to make some choices on what you want out of life. Now, we want you to look around the room, listen to the people, pay attention. You had to sit on the front row when you was new, you know, because I tried to find me a seat in the back and the old women in my home group got together with my sponsor and demanded that she organize a meeting with me and her and them, and then they told her what to do with me. You know, make her stop wearing them skirts up her yang-yang. We don't need to look at no behinds. We've got behinds of our own if we want to see one, we look in the mirror. Have her to sit up front, have her to stop going to the coffee pot 50 times during a one-and-a-half-hour meeting, you know, and tell her she can't sit in the back looking over the crowd because I was truly looking for Mr. Goodbar. I was really trying to find a man that wasn't drinking and fighting and cursing me out and that would treat me well. and I'd heard a few of them talking, and they sounded so spiritual and so good. I thought this would be a remarkable place to find a husband. I had one at home, but I was looking for another one. You know, so my introduction to alcoholic anonyms consisted rapidly of the how-tos based on a solid fact that I've been licked. And if I go any further down the path that I'm on, then I'm going to die without ever having lived. And I certainly was interested in most of this program, you know. So I washed the cups and I cleaned the building and I told newcomers and I went on 12-step calls along with the old timers, and then I had to do my homework. Now, I understand the interpretation level in the program because I've worked steadily for the last 38 years with new people, and they get all kind of warped ideas, you Know. I just talked to a young man this afternoon about anonymity, and he was debating that I told him what Dr. Bob, one of the founders of our program, said in 1970 about anonymacy being ridiculous for us not to know each other's names. You know, people don't buy that. I mean, they say, well, I mean Bill did that because he didn't want to do this. no bill did what he was told to do by whatever power it was that told him and he did mean what he said you know and that this i believe with everything in me that this was the experience so i began to uh kind of put some i discovered a lot about myself in step one i discovered that i had unmanageable thinking you know i could be thinking about being in rome in caesar's palace I had never been no further than the corner liquor store. You know, I could dream about being a princess in Morocco, you know, where some king over there would want to marry me and take my eight kids with me and we'd all go and be served royally, you now. I had a lot of fantasies and I had lot of friends that I had cultivated throughout the years because, you kno, when you're out there drinking, you have to have some friends. Some friends come along with self-destruction. They're called depression, bewilderment, frustration, loneliness, despair. All of these things escort you. And my friends had babies. After they got in my head, they just moved in and took over, and they had babies, and sometimes they would call a board of directors meeting after I quit drinking. And I know none of y'all look like you had board of director meetings with the escorts on death row, But I did. I'd be sitting in a meeting, and Chuck C. was speaking one night. And when I come to, Chuck C., was finished, and I'd been sitting there all night long thinking about the ain't it awfuls and what they did to me back yonder. I remember sitting on that bar stool, and that bee walked in there and put a switchblade up the side of my throat and threatened to cut my neck off. I should have just got up and summed her up. But I was just too scared. But I told myself in that meeting that night, I didn't want to tear up my friend's bar. But the truth is, I was too frightened to move when the woman was standing there, had lost her belly and refused to accept it. So I know that in recovery, we can tell ourselves a lot of things that will self-sabotage us and get us off the road of recovery. And, you know, I got so busy doing stuff that my husband began to complain. You know, he said, you're home less than you was when you was out there drinking. You need to stay away from them damn fools down there, the AAA stuff, you know. And I said to him, I said, well, I can't because if I leave them people, I'll die. And that was planted. And so it does take some truth and some facts to listen to what's happening to the newcomer or the person that you're working with and to keep them on the path so that you won't get lonely. And I am so grateful to God. One of the best compliments that I've had paid to me in recovery was by my present-day spouse, because I've heard a lot of them, so I have to tell you which one I'm talking about. And so he said to me, you know, I just imagine that when you die, there won't be too many days that people will miss you. You've got so many little Virginians running around this country. And I thought, what a wonderful thing. Because I finally have gotten a life by staying on the path of recovery and not doing it anywhere near perfect. You know, Phil and I share a lot of secrets about some of my weaknesses. But I ain't going to tell them to y'all because I've got an image. You know. But to me that was the best compliment that I could ever get because I came to you without any kind of life. I came for you completely lost. I came into you very confused. And so my walk in recovery and the path that I've had to trudge has not been filled with a honeymoon. It's been filled with a consistent lot of activity that escorts me down the road of recovery instead of back to where I'm coming from. And one of the things that I have developed is that I'm literally a very lazy woman. I just want one opportunity in life to prove it. You know, I've never had a chance to prove it. And so because I am lazy, I took the easy or soft way. There were old timers around that instructed me to do this thing on a daily basis and then I wouldn't have to gentle clean every spring. So I get up in the morning and I take an hour and I use it for spiritual food. I eat a spiritual breakfast whether I ever eat a physical breakfast or not. And I do take this program quite serious because the more I learn, you know, now I'm beginning to understand why they said the longer you're sober, the narrower the road gets. Because, you know, I try to use some of my, what I call my assets. My assets are matched by Liabilities on every line I'm a very loyal Exceptionally loyal woman But I'm not But I am a very stubborn woman I am A very patient woman But I have a low tolerance For BS You know what I call BS Now you might call it Trying to get some understanding I don't need no understanding If you're sitting there bleeding And I'm looking at you bleed I said, let's get over to the emergency room. You can tell me about it later. Don't waste your breath trying to talk because you're losing too much blood. Blood is coming out of your neck, out of my mouth. And you keep talking. And every time you talk, you split a hunk of blood out. So let's not talk. Let's just get to the Emergency Room. Let's jut get to The Book. Let's jus try to find out if there's any answers in there. And if it ain't no answers, let' just fall on our knees. And if we can't get no help there, let'S jut prostrate on the floor and call on the Master. So let's just surrender. Let's just quit doing the stuff. Every time you do it, you get your neck broke. So quit jumping off the cliff. No. Dang, don't call me every day and tell me that you got another broke neck and we just got you out of the hospital last week. I mean, you know. So those are some of my weaknesses. And to this day, I have fantasies that I have never realized. And today I'm able to tell you that always, I don't know what I'm doing. But I always know who's responsible to help me to get it done. There are times that I've started off wondering, God, is this a safe trip? Don't get an answer. Look, and I just told God a few weeks ago that the world was waiting because everywhere I go in this world, I'm telling everybody God is going to heal my brother Wally Green. And I said, look, God, it's your reputation on the line, not mine, because they know I can't do nothing. And Wally started laughing. He said to his wife, you won't believe it. This girl just threatened God. So I'm real serious about my little pathway on this road to recovery. And I admonish you to think about, think real serious, because it doesn't take much. It takes all you got. It is not an easy path to trudge down. You know, it's a lot more fun to ride across the bridge in your Jaguar than it is to ride your bicycle over there, your skateboard. And there are winter, summer, spring, and fall seasons as you're on this path. It depends on what you start with. And Sue's in the audience, and I just love to hear Sue talk because she did not become that low-bottom drunk, and she suffered in her own family, in her own home. And she experienced all the stuff that I experienced. I just had to go get it out of the ghetto, you know. And my sponsor was like that. My sponsor was selected by God because I know there's no way in the world that I would have selected her. My sponsored came to me from the program of recovery. In the days that I came in they used to have the club open all day but not to play dominoes or sit around to try to stay cool. They had the club open in case somebody called for help, and they would fight over 12-step calls. So they had to hire a manager to run the club to divide the 12-stop calls. So being the smart alcoholic that I am, I called at 10 o'clock at night because I figured if the meeting is over, if they ain't going to come tonight, they'll come tomorrow because I was a great tomorrow woman. And that night they came after the meeting. You know, I said, dang. I heard them at the door. Alcoholic Anonymous. And I said oh, they came anyway. Jesus Christ. I had liquor hit all over the house and set for the night. You know when the husband goes to bed in the other room. I could sit out there and drink. And I got to remember which one's in the coffee can. Which one is in the toilet bowl. Which one isn't in the ceiling of the bathroom. And I got enough liquor to last me all night But when they came They put a damper on it Because the woman that came called on me She said, I'm going to get you a sponsor And tomorrow they'll come to pick you up And every day you will go to a meeting So my sponsor came A little nice, little well-groomed Well-dressed lady I'm a little ghetto Bee You know And here comes this nice little well dressed lady in a new BMW getting out the car looking like she's from the country club and she says I'm Quinn, I'm your sponsor I thought what the how they gonna send this crazy little smooth little woman talking to me hair all in place fingernails done nice car and you could tell she had some money she lived in the gated community on a golf course she never cursed she talked with a very fine feminine voice and she ruled me with an iron thumb for 27 years I never did anything she said not to do and I did everything that she said to do she told me stupid things like it's time for change to come into your life you're refusing to change habits and talk so we want you to crawl across the bed and get up on the other side of the bed. What the? Crawling across the bed, what's that going to do for my drinking? But I crawl across the bed calling them all kinds of names every morning but I crawl cross the bed Well I want you to stop swearing and I had a city of old timers that sponsored me so when I look at territorial areas with sponsees now I think how they are being deprived of seasoned alcoholics, how they're being deprived. Well, I asked a girl with 12 years to speak at a meeting and she told me she had to ask her sponsor. I said, I don't understand that, you know, but that ain't my business. I'm meddling now. But nevertheless, all of these seasoned alcoholists, it does take a village to raise an alcoholic. it takes a village to raise an alcoholic and so they surrounded me and I walked into a new meeting they would tell me where to sit and they made sure I didn't get to the Mr. Goodbar's in the room because I tried hard one night I can remember on my path I was ready you know, you get horny, lonely, tired and all that stuff so I had gotten there and I was ready to spot And I spotted this good-looking man across the room. And I stood up, and they said, where are you going, honey? This old nosy old bitty that was not my sponsor. She wanted to know where I was going. I said, I'm going to say hi to Elizabeth. You make sure you just go say hi. Say hi to her like she was reading my mind. So I put my phone number on a matchbook, and I was gonna try to slide it to him. And I looked back, and she was still watching me. And I said, dang. So I went, sure enough, to talk to Elizabeth. Now, Elizabeth was one of the craziest women in the group. And she would always have some biblical word to say to you. How are you doing, Elizabeth? Blessed. I know you're blessed. Hell, we're all blessed. We're in this room, you know. And I had to listen to that crazy talk for about ten minutes, all because I was trying to get to Mr. Goodbar. So I find that it is much easier, a lot easier to just get on into the big book, get yourself a sponsor, become responsible and make your first information known to God and then share with your sponsor and take what your sponsor has to share with you. I find it much easier to call on Jesus at 2 o'clock in the morning and then to call on my sponsor in California and wake her up and have her mad at me because I want to tell her that Enron stole my money. It is a lot easier for me to bow and humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings. And don't think I don't get them because I'm a deeply hardworking woman on the program of recovery, but I'm telling you the truth. Sometimes it takes everything that I got to keep me on the path. And sometimes it takes a reminder. Sometimes I have to review the tapes. I go back. I got a shed in my yard, in my backyard that's full of nothing but alcoholic anonymous stuff. And sometimes I have TO GO BACK TO 1945 AND PULL OUT TAPES AND PULL OUT INFORMATION AND LISTEN TO THE SIBILS AND THE LIZ BAILEYS. and sometimes I have to go back and hear Bill and sometimes I just have to and I keep five books on my desk at all times for reference you know somebody comes in there talking crazy to me sometimes they do I just say well just a minute I'm just sitting here reading you want to read this? I'm going to share what I got that's all I got right then I ain't got nothing else I ain' got no patience because you done told me the same thing about five days so I done ran out of tolerance But by the time I get through reading that page or that paragraph or that sentence, I get re-centered. And so I don't go too far to the right or too far to the left. Once in a blue moon, I do. I did about three weeks ago and I've been everlastingly sorry about that because Phil ain't going to ever let me forget it. You know, I don' t like to be exposed to that kind of stuff. And then plus I know when I haven' t done the best that I can do with what I got, I am deeply, eternally in debt to God for what he's done in my life. I will never, never forget myself as I walked into my first meeting. I will Never Forget Myself as I stumble around there completely ossified, lost, and with no hope and no thoughts, totally traveling with fear, frustration, bewilderment, and despair. You know, I mean, on a daily basis, incomprehensible demoralization was a constant companion. And here I am now walking around and on occasions I look at people when they are talking rude or crude and I say I don't deserve that. And I mean it. You know. But at the same time that I recognize that for myself, I must recognize that für Gott's other kids. because they don't deserve any leftovers or hangovers that may be lingering up in the corners of my mind from my drunken days and my dranken experiences and my drunken habits. Very self-centered, very self-serving, very self seeking, very self rewarding individual I came to you as and I am beginning to enjoy I mean truthfully today I love people you know I love people and and i have friends all over the world and it is utterly amazing i think my god i got a best friend today you know and i got peace of mind most of the time still got some fantasies and i'm sure i won't ever live out in this experience but i'm looking forward to whatever the next world may be you know when i get there i ain't in no hurry though trust me But it is a good thing to be mindful that this disease, this illness, this malady, the book refers to it as an illness and a malady. It requires our full attention, especially when we've been mandated to carry the message of recovery. I believe with everything in me that God is greatly pleased when he looks around and sees this many drunks. I am delighted that we have that convention here, this convention here. Because I believe it is a divine shot of penicillin. And God knows we need it. The old, the young, the in-between us. I'm just looking to get gooder and gooder and better and better. And one day at a time as I keep trudging, you know, I know it's going to happen. All except my fantasy of being a single woman again because I messed around here too long. You know. But I still got it. You know? Don't tell my husband when he gets here tonight, y'all. It is a delight and a pleasure and a blessing to be here. I thank all of you for coming in, and I just hope we keep meeting each other as we treasure this road of happy destiny. May God bless us and keep us until then. Thank you. You know, Virginia's absolutely right. When I came into the program, too, there was very little attempt to get anybody to like anybody. And there was a lot of you musts. And the politeness has sort of encroached in, and we're not known necessarily to be the most polite people, but it's about saving each other's lives. And there are winters and seasons. My 18th year of sobriety, all year I wanted to drink. Sometimes it just comes, and you just have to bear with it, and that's how you stay sober. You don't drink. So if we could all close and join the Lord's Prayer. Let this circle represent what we can do together and what we certainly cannot do by ourselves, followed by the Lord's prayer. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil for thine is the kingdom the power and the glory forever and ever Amen keep coming back it works if you work it I don't know about my concept, but I feel like that's it. Hey, Mom. That's right. Are you trying to come in and take a look? No. You're not? No. Hey. No, I'm not going to promote you. It's good to see you. Appreciate it. Thank you. I appreciate it. It's been a pleasure to be here. Thank you. You're going to be down there at the end of October. Oh, you're all over the place. I'm ready to go. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38, 39, 40, 41, 42, 43, 44, 45, 46, 47, 48, 49, 50, 51, 52, 52, 53, 54, 55, 56, 57, 58, 59, 60, 61, 62, 63, 65, That's where y'all want to be. Right across the street. Where are we on the land? Did you do the laundry? Yes, I did. I got your story. It's like, I've got a dog. It's going to work. It's not going to be that good of a work. But you guys are doing great. And I love it. I love what you're saying. Now, this is my new company. Good money. I love you guys. I was offered a couple of jobs. And I'm going to plan all of them. All right. I call water back and say, I'm offering you a million dollars a year. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's not a river, is it? No. It would be hard to hug you like this. Yeah. You didn't get one? We found it, we found it. We haven't seen outside. Oh, I got you. Oh, yeah, that's him. David, tell me, that is Pat, and that is Philomena. Wilhelmina. Wilhelmita. I like that name. That's a nice name. It's like a song. Sun City City Park. We're on the water now. Sorry, let's go to the water. The water's so you can't walk. We've got a big group of people. Oh, I hate it. I want to run. Yeah? Here we go. Great to see you. You're welcome in the 80s. No. Never tried to get a laugh around. Great to meet you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me. Thank you so much. No, never tried to get a laugh out of it. I actually mixed and probably sat up in there for the night. What's that? This is where the dance is going to be here right over at 10 o'clock this evening. Who's gonna be there? Oh, I got you. John left. John left! That's good. Oh, fine! Hey, y'all been getting a little crazy? Best way to go. Hey, ya'll have a good day. Thank you. All right. Thank you. We'll be right back. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.