Sponsorship Without the Thinking – Dick M.

Through the Grace Scott AA Sponsorship, I've been sober since the 23rd of February 1980. And the Fox Hall Group is an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and all members of the community are welcome to attend. The single most important aspect of AA recovery, however, is the principle of one alcoholic relating to another. Therefore, only alcoholics participate in our meetings. If your primary problem is other than alcoholism, we think it would also be helpful for you to contact an anonymous organization which more specifically deals with your addiction. In any case, we hope that what you learn here may be helpful to your recovery or understanding. Alcoholics Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for a membership is a desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership. We are self-supporting through our own contribution. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization, or institution. It does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. my name's ed kindle and i am an alcoholic i found a wall here through the grace of god this program is sponsorship i've been sober since may 27th 1986 all right are you guys looking for seats back there you want to see two seats we got seats right over here yeah couple good-looking women over here they even smell good they washed at least a week ago I said at least baskets of being passed and observance of a seventh tradition self support their own contributions are there any a members visiting from out of town if so would you please stand introduce yourself and tell us where you're from. Out-of-towners. My name is Janie Traylor, I'm an alcoholic. Hi, Janie, how do you do? My home group is the Monday Night Winners and North Shore Cigarettes. The Winners in town are the alcoholics. Hi, Joanne. My home group is a Sunday Young Teachers in Norfolk. All right. Well, you're both in the right group I can tell you all right anybody else welcome to folks old Troy you should have been here last week are there any a members oh I did that we don't want to hear Troy again are there are any newcomers or returnees to Fox Hall if so would you please stand tell us your first name so we can get to know you newcomers all right welcome to you also if you're in the diversion program you can get your card signed at the back table right after the meeting is there anyone celebrating hello is there anyone here celebrating three months of sobriety this past week would you please stand and introduce yourself how about somebody with six months any six month there's here all right congratulations if you want to celebrate your yearly anniversary here at foxhole then for goodness sake see Dan for the cake right over here the week before so he can have your cake ready dapper Dan yeah generally we give GSO a dollar for each year of sobriety so along with your cake we'll give you an envelope and all you have to do is fill it up put some money into it and give it to me I'll put a stamp on it and mail it for you then if you would come up to the front after the meeting so we can congratulate you all non-a announcements go into the fox's den that's what's hanging up around here just call 291-3381 before 3 p.m on tuesday okay now nothing for tonight but on friday night the nikki parra fundraiser number eight is over at saint margaret mary's at 64th and dodge and our own pete not pete pat pat n will be speaking at that and then if they don't let him dance too much he'll be able to make it to the sad sad you just took 2012 steps of success yeah as we said before we got to get those tickets sold so if you haven't bought them already get them tonight okay next weekend this chip night at old Sokol Hall on Friday night and on Saturday the big red eating supper with sterling H and that's down at the second baptist church the first baptists got mad and started their own i thought they're going to eat big reds but that's a spaghetti meal it's four dollars a spaghetti mail so uh take that if you're down in lincoln all right we only got two more weeks left to sign up for the regional forum if you haven't done that it's free please sign up forward it's going to be in august it will be very good and if you would do that and then in augus 17th through the 20th the corn husker roundup so get this stuff for that too and now here's sandy with tickets hi i'm sandy nickish and i'm an alcoholic through the grace of god sponsorship and fellowship i've been sober since july 18 1985. okay we got two colors orange and green And the first one's for a grapevine. Where is she? Four, six, six. Five, five, nine. Dirt. Okay, the next one is orange, and it's for 12 by 12. 7-5-0-4-9-0. All right. Next one, small big book, and its green. 4-6-6? Yes. Four. No. Eight. No. Three. No. Four, eight, three. Yes. Go ahead. Yes. Peggy. Peggy? Yes. All right, Peggy . Okay, the next one is for As Bill Sees It. Yes. Yes. Seven, five, O. Yes. 1, 2, 5, 9. John. Okay, Dr. Bob and the Good Old Timers. And it's 4, 6, 6. 1, 8, 3. 1, 3, Susie. All right. All right, the next one is A.A. Comes of Age. It's orange. No! Seven, five, zero. Yeah! Five? Yes! Seven? Yeah! Three. Ed, Kendalina. Mr. Secretary! Mr. Attorney! Okay, the last one. Pass it on. four six six nine one two nine one okay next one big book And I'll take them. 750-840- Next one, daily rejections. 467- One, six, nine. Correct. Okay, the next two is for a coin husker. Okay, seven, five, zero. Five, three, seven. Moran. and the last one four six six green nine three seven nine please pick up your books in registration over there at the table at the end of the meeting thank you okay we've only got one speaker tonight so we're going to do the birthdays right now so celebrants old I've been sober by the grace of God a sponsorship since April 12 1984 it's my privilege to give Lisa her four-year chip she celebrated four years on Saturday Lisa's had a very busy year she just had a baby mmm a while ago very short while ago so she's busy being a mom right now congratulate Lisa on four years everybody I'm Lisa Nygren alcoholic by the grace of God sponsorship and I've been sober since the 8th of June 1987 it looks like the lines a little shorter than it was last year which is too bad um I'd like to thank Suzy foremost she's just been everything this last year I couldn't have done it without her I'd liked to thank my husband too who's not here to see me get my tip tonight. I'd like to thank Vic and Peggy for the structure of the group. And I'd like to think Mark and Dan for taking that to Lincoln because it's really helped Lincoln out a lot. I would like to thank my sister Pigeon Laura and all my friends in Lincoln and all you. Thanks. Mary Barnard alcoholic I've been sober since August 10th 1981 that's due to the grace of God sponsorship and your fellowship Lynn's celebrate six years of sobriety and yeah I guess when they heard that these two were sober cleared everybody out for this week I don't know must be pretty bad alcoholics but um Lynn Lynn has done a lot this year good and bad she's been through a lot good and bad this year and hopefully she's learned enough to stay sober at least get her started into next year Lynn and I went on a 12-step call oh I donno three or four weeks ago and it got Lynn all fired up I remember as we were driving away, she was, I mean, just foaming at the mouth, excited. She goes, God, this is just like what they, it's in the big book. It's exactly like what's in The Big Book, Mary. God, I've never seen anything like that. I mean she had bottles hidden and stuff, you know? I mean the lady was, it was great. She was going through withdrawals and everything. It was, oh God. I means, you know, it was a real 12-step call and we stayed sober, you know? And it got her all fired up and she just really loved it and it was neat to see you know experience that and and I was glad I got to be part of that too so if you would like to help me help Lynn celebrate six years I'm when also numb alcoholic and through the grace of God and fellowship of a a and sponsorship I've been sober since June 9th of 85 first off I would like to thank Mary this last year has been a tough year up here you know it was this year at least for me in my sobriety that I was willing to throw it all away for what I thought was best and I'm glad I stuck around for the miracle to happen happened because I've you know like Mary said I got to go on a 12-step call and it kind of made me take a look at where I really did come from you know which is easy for me to forget I'd also like to thank my sister pigeons I've increased them by a ton and it's good to have them they keep me out of myself and I'd like to thank the girl that I sponsor I've sponsored a couple of others and they chose to leave and it's really too bad because I know what could have happened for him you know they didn't know and I'd also like to thank my husband Pat who I'm realizing isn't my enemy so much anymore and I And I'd like to thank you. Thanks. Well, we get to sing now. I want us all to do a real fine job, alright? I'll lead you in the right fashion. Are you ready to go? I'm just going to start. Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, Happy birthday alcoholics, happy birthday to you. Keep coming back without a drink. Now in order, you're all alcoholics so I'm going tell you this now and dick will probably say something to you before after he's done talking and then i'm going to tell you again but after the lord's prayer uh would you all kind of sit down and we have something special for you i don't know what it is and i'm not to be blamed if it's lousy so okay anyway so you'll be reminded again because i know you'll forget and it's it's yeah they're like me yeah it's my distinct pleasure to be able to introduce my sponsor tonight and I don't know how I did it he must look at the birthday book because he found probably the least amount of birthdays had the GSR report all at once I mean he he's got something to say tonight folks and he's got plenty of time to do it so it's it is a distinct pleasure because I got Dick for a sponsor about eight years ago and he's become a good friend of mine and that's because he tells me how it is and you know he tells me what I need to hear and not what he thinks I want to hear. And for that I'm really grateful and I'd like to introduce Dick. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Dick Martin, and I'm an alcoholic. Hi. Everybody, but for the grace of God and the actions of AA and sponsorship, I've been sober since September 15, 1965, and I're very grateful for that tonight. I've got a couple of housekeeping announcements, okay? I shouldn't make housekeeping announcements but I'm going to make them anyway. First of all, this weekend, this Saturday, Bob Bazantz is coming in from St. Paul, Minnesota, and he's going to do the steps and going to doing a step study. And he's an excellent, articulate, long-time member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And you should avail yourself of the opportunity to learn something because he's a good guy And he's a good AA, and he's a good friend of mine, and some of you must know then, if he's a friend of Mine, he must be okay. And he is, believe me. And the others of you who don't believe that, screw you. Okay. Roland Hazard. I didn't have anybody come and tell me today, so I'm going to tell you. He died on December the 20th, 1945. He was 64 years old. He was 50 in 1931 when he first ran into Dr. Carl Young. He was not a young kid. He wasn't, well he was a young kid on coming to think about it. To me he was. Oh, well. Second thing is that, or another thing is that you know, it's nice and quiet in here now, and I want to tell you, it hasn't always been nice and quite in this group when people have been standing up here and making announcements and doing the readings. There's been a lot of jabbering going on, and And I think that that's totally inappropriate. And I thank that anyone who participates in that kind of goings-on in an AA meeting puts themselves in a superior position. And in that superior position, they say, hey, I know and have completely worked all the steps, and I know it and have complete worked all traditions, and I knew all this stuff. I don't have to listen to that crap for Christ's sake. And that's fine. That's fine for you. Why don't you sit there and keep your mouth shut, because the newcomers haven't. And that's what it's all about. The purpose of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous is not for people like you or people like me in the majority of people that are in this room. The purpose for meetings of alcoholics anonymous is for people like me and most of you to take newcomers so that they can be 12 step. They can't be 12 steps if they can't hear the 12 steps. So please bear that in mind. Well, I guess I beat you up enough on that. But those things are very necessary and it's one of the parts of the Fox Hall group to do those sorts of things, to sit quietly. And it's so nice to sit quiet for a change. We don't have to be the center of attention. We can just sit and listen. We can shut up and listen which is one of first things we really had to learn when we we came to Alcoholics Anonymous. The first thing I had to do was simply to shut up and to listen, and my sponsor suggested that to me. He said, why don't you just be quiet and listen? He said you have two ears and one mouth, and he said that means you're supposed to listen twice as much as you talk. I thought that was logical, but I didn't think it was reasonable. But I might suggest that you follow that. I mean, we have a before the meeting, and we can all chit-chat around. And after the meeting we can chit‑chat around, and during the meeting мы can be quiet while the speakers and the other members are participating from the podium. You know, this group is unique in its own, and it's unique in Its Own because we are unlike many groups of Alcoholics Anonymous in the area, not unlike all of them, but unlike many of them and that the men, when they come up and they stand at the podium of Alcoholics Anonymous at the Fox Hall group are asked to wear a coat and tie and the women are asked for their dresses. And a lot of people think that that's some kind of a... What's the matter with those screwballs from down there in the Fox hall group for crying out loud? Why can't they wear their tennies and their shorts? It doesn't change the message any if they're doing that and that sort of thing. And the funny part about it is I have to remember that the reason why I'm here tonight and the reason I'm standing here with a coat and tie on tonight has something to do with me honoring Alcoholics Anonymous. If I were going to apply for a job, I would wear a coat and tie, and that's all there is to it because it would be important to me. And so I go to my home group and I wear a coat and tire because their AA is especially important to me And it's especially important to me when I get behind the podium of Alcoholics Anonymous. There was an old-timer in AlcoholicsAnonymous who is now dead by the name of Norm Alpey. He used to talk about things like seconds and inches. Sobriety was just seconds and ounces. Losing our lives were just secondsandinches. And one of the things that he said was that, you know, when he came to Alcoholics Anonymous and we went to his first meeting, there was some guy standing up there and he had on a coat and tie behind the podium and he was talking and he says, I didn't hear anything he said, nor did I understand anything he Said. But I came back to the second meeting hoping that maybe I could get some threads like that someday. And, you Know, where can you, how can you speak to a newcomer if you look worse than he does? I mean, from what position are you coming when you do that? And so getting dressed up and being clean and neat about your person is certainly a very important aspect to Alcoholics Anonymous as far as I'm concerned because it does something for me. It puts me in a position that I was unlike before I came to Alcoholic Anonymous. And I'm pleased that my sponsor directed me, put me in that direction. My first sponsor was a fellow named Buck Doyle, and he was a hard-nosed sponsor. He was the shanks mayor type of an AA member. He believed in going to meetings and staying sober and helping others. He believed that the basic premise of Alcoholics Anonymous was that what you do is you come to Alcoholics Anonymous sober, and you stay sober, and in order to do that, you extend yourself and go out of your way, all of your own personal direction and help somebody else. And I've heard that in Alcoholics Anonymous ever since I came into AA, and I've seen it in action ever since I came to AA. And it's those actions, it's the actions that we take that change us. It isn't the thinking. There seems to be a lot of people today in Alcoholic Anonymous who seem to think that there's a possibility that this program of AlcoholicsAnonymous is a psychological psychological program perhaps and they keep talking in psychological terms and there are others who seem to think that you've come to Alcoholics Anonymous and you read the books and you know all the history of AA and you Know Everything About The Traditions and you know you do all read read the 12 and 12 and all the literature in Alcoholics Anonymous And You Stand Up And Quote Chapter 5 By Heart From The Podium And All Those Sorts Of Things And You Say This Happens On Page So-And-So In The Big Book And This It's page so-and-so in the big book. And those intellectual giants that we have on Alcoholics Anonymous who do that, I like to follow those intellectual Giants around and see if they go on a 12-step call if they're asked to. See if they'll sit down and spend their own personal time talking to a newcomer. See if They'll Do Those Things. That's what AlcoholicsAnonymous is all about. Alcoholics Анonymous is a spiritual program and it's comprised of spiritual actions. And it's those spiritual actions which have kept me sober. It isn't anything else. It isn'T what I think about Alcoholics Anonymous. It isn' t what I Think About Me. It isn''t really what I THINK ABOUT YOU. It certainly isn' T from some psychological thing that happened to me. It wasn' T FROM SOME OUTSIDE SOURCE AND SOME ETHEREAL THING THAT HAPPENED TO ME THAT I HAD SOME SORT OF A SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE OR RELIGIOUS EXPERIANCE. I have seen no burning bushes. It wasn't that at all. That isn't why I'm still sober today. That isn'T why I'M STILL COMFORTABLE TODAY. IT ISN'T BECAUSE I'VE BEEN ABLE TO OUTTHINK THE PROGRAM. IT ISNT BECAUSED I'VE BEENABLE TO PRAY MY WAY INTO A NEW WAY OF THINKING. IT ISnt THAT AT ALL. IT'S SOMETHING ELSE ENTIRELY DIFFERENT AND SOMETHING THAT ALMOST KILLED ME, THAT I ALMOSTIE DIED FROM BEFORE I GOT TO ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS. And what that was was something that was very simple. I was born in December 1931, and it was somewhat traditional at that period of time to go to kindergarten when you were five years old. Well, by the time, you know, when I was five years older, I was 5 years old in December, and I was nearly 6 in the next year, but I still wasn't 5, and you couldn't go into first grade until you were 6. And so as an end result of that, I was almost seven years old before I went in the first grade. And I didn't go to kindergarten. And I had already learned to read. My mother and father had taught me how to read, I wanted to learn how to read, and I was a very bright and I was a smart kid. I had a good brain, I had a good mind. And so I entered the first grade, and I was nearly seven years old. I was almost a year older than most of the other students are in their first grade. And as an end result, you know, I was not emotionally up to their gear. I was emotionally distraught and strained because I had lived in an alcoholic household. And I didn't really know how to get along with people because I had an older brother that picked on me when I was a little kid, when I were small. And And as an end result of that, I was somewhat of an emotional cripple. And emotionally, I tried to live my life comfortably, but I couldn't do it. But when I got to the first grade and I already knew how to read and I was ahead of the other kids in the first great, that was great. It gave me a feeling of superiority like, oh, what am I doing with these little people here? You know, it's kind of like going to your average A.A. meeting. And I was also taller than they were, and I grew up in that sort of an attitude. I grewup in the attitude of feeling that I was superior to other people around me. However, my peers, I wasn't superior to them, and I knew I wasn' t really superior to him. And I've covered this up with being tall, with being larger than they were, and intimidating them by my size and by the fact that I was older and more experienced seven-year-old than they were. And as an end result of that, I really didn't make many friends. That's not called social skills. And I knew that I didn't making many friends, and I felt very lonely, and very ashamed of myself, and sorry for myself, like there was something desperately wrong with me that i needed to do something but i didn't know how to do it and no one taught me that you know what i ought to do is to just be kind and be friendly and be nice and be gentle and that sort of thing and uh as i got older and as i went on and uh you know became 12 years old all the kids were 11 years old i entered puberty before they did so i experienced that somewhat by myself, if you will, instead of having others go through it with me. You know, I had sex at an early age. I was frightened and alone, but neither here nor there. But, you know, in a case like that, you know, I've heard a lot of guys, I have heard a lot of fifth steps and guys say well I go to go to school and we go to gym class and after gym class we go in and take a shower and I'd look at them and gee you know they were so much bigger than I was and they'd already entered puberty and I hadn't and I felt inferior. That wasn't the case for me. That wasn't a case for me at all because I'd already enter puberty in they had and I looked at them and I said huh you know but I felt very superior to that and it just furthered my arrogance and it made me worse and worse and they put me in a position where I just covered up my own insufficiencies with feeling oh my insufficiency is on the outside with acting arrogant on the inside I mean with acting arrogance on the outset you know I portrayed someone who knew what they were doing and I was very arrogant about it and I haven't changed much I understand but nonetheless I didn't feel that way on the inside. I didn t feel competent and capable and I didn d feel equal to the people on the end side because I didn t know what the hell I was going on. You know, I was frightened of the situation. I was frightened of all my situations. Here I was larger than the other people, you know, I was taller than the guys in the sixth grade by several inches. And here I was you know, compared to them, I was grown up, so to speak. And they were doing things that were, they were having fun is what they were going. And I was being serious because I had to be serious because I was older than they were. And i had to set a serious example for them because I thought that my size and my age put me in a position of being a leader of some sort. And didn't feel like I was a leader. I felt like I didn't feel like a follower either because I didn' t know how to do that and so I just bowled ahead with my own arrogance and my own feelings of superiority that I showed on the outside feeling like if they ever knew what I really felt like on the inside they'd leave me alone, they'd stay away from me but I had to keep up a front and I kept up this front for years and years and tears when I first took drink I was about 14 years old and I took a drink actually the first full drink I ever had was a can of Canadian ace ale and it was on a cool fall day and I found this six-pack a buddy and I were taking a walk through the in some in a wooded area and I've found the six pack of Canadian a sale and that somebody had sequestered there, I guess, by a fallen tree. And it was good and cold. And I opened the can and gave it to my friend Ed, and I opened it for myself, and I drank the can that was mine. And I noticed that he hadn't finished his, and I asked him if, you know, gee, you want another can? And he said, no, I haven't finish this, and he said, besides that, I'll get drunk. And he poured it out. I talked to Ed on the phone today. He called me. I hate to say this, but my high school is having its 40th reunion this weekend. And, he wanted to know if I was coming in. My 40th high school reunion? Jesus. God. And he wanted to know if I was coming in, and I said, no, I'm not. And we chatted for a while, and so on. And he's doing well. And he is a good man. And He is the only person that was kind of strange. He is The only person that I have known constantly since I was 12 years old that I've had any relationship with on a constant basis that I had a good relationship with. And we chat and had a nice time and had a great chat today. and he's going to give me a report back on who's living from the class of 50 in Woodrow Wilson High School. But he said no, and later on in years to come, and my drinking, and he and I drank together periodically and frequently, and we partied and that sort of thing, and double dated and all of those sorts of things. And Ed always, he occasionally had a little bit too much to drink, but I always had too much of a drink. But I always seemed to hold it better than he did. You know, he seemed to kind of collapse and puke and stuff like that. And I would say, gee, if you can't hold it in your stomach, don't drink it. Don't waste it like that, you know. I'll drink it, you don't have to drink so much. I'll drank it when you get to that point. You know, we grew up well together. He was a constant friend to me. And we have a lot of affection for each other even yet today. But his father was an alcoholic. My father was and alcoholic too. And I didn't really recognize it at the time we were having this conversation. But he said, no, I don't want any more to drink. He said, my father's an alcoholic and I don' t want to turn out like he. And I said to myself, I want another drink. And I took those other four cans and I put them by that log with the idea that I was going to come back and get them at some later time. And I don't recall ever going back, but my intent was to go back to drink that. And there isn't any question about what my intent was because for the first time what alcohol did for me was something that I had been trying to do all of my life. Alcohol made me feel like I was a part of the world, not an alien, not alienated to the world. Not feeling like Iwas uncomfortable, not feeling likeIwas superior, not feelinglike Iwas inferior, but it just put me in tune. I physically felt good when I drank. I mentally felt sharp when Idrank. And I felt like I was in tune with the world. And I'll tell you something, for someone like I, who never felt that way when they were sober, for that to happen was something that was really magic to me. And it really felt great. And from that time, from the time I had that first can of Canadian Ace, ale, I drank every opportunity I possibly could because it did something for me that nothing else had ever done. It put me in a relationship to my world and the world around me that I felt comfortable with, and I really felt good. I didn't feel like I had to be arrogant. I didn' t feel like l had to b a wimp. l just felt like l was okay. l felt like I could be with the guy that l was with and feel all right. l felt lik l could be wit h the girl that l wa s with and l would be okay. It didn't make any difference whether they had more money or less money or more prestige or less prestige. It didn'T make a damn bit of difference when I had a drink. I felt equal to the people that I was with, and I felt igual to the good people thatI was with and I felT equal tothe bad people thati was with. And the only difficulty that I had was I might be with a drink with the goodpeople one night and I might feel good about that, and the next two or three days I might see them and I would feel inferior to them. And the night before, I felt equal to them and I couldn't understand that. I couldn'T understand what in the hell was going on. And I had these emotions of fear and anguish and feelings of alienation that I absolutely couldn'T control. And I was told, hey, you got a good mind. You're bright. You can control this. Use your willpower. use your willpower because you can control those emotional actions that you're that you have if you use your world power and I had willpower but I didn't have any won't power I didn't any I won't take that first drink all the only thing that I had was I had the will to do it but will is intellect and I I had the intellect to do it, but the only trouble is when I was by myself, the intellect weakened and weakened and so the emotions took over and I felt sorry for myself and I was afraid of my circumstances and I had fear of failure and I knew that I would never succeed and I know that my life was just a sham and there wasn't anything that I could do about it. There wasn't any thing that I can do about. The only time that I felt like I was equal to the world around me where I didn't have those crushing feelings of emotions was when I would take a drink or two or ten. That's the only time, and then I would feel like the world is okay. I would feels like I in tune with the spirit of the universe. I would felt like that was the intellectual equal to anyone and I felt like I was the emotional equal to anyone and I feel good physically. I drank because it worked. I drank because it changed what I saw. As my sponsor says, it altered instantly my perceptions of reality. Nothing changed except me and my perception of what was there changed entirely And when that entire change came through, man, it just worked. It just worked! And what a great thing that was for me. What a great things that was for me, because here was a guy who looked like he was doing well and looked like life was good, but on the inside I felt like I was going to die. I felt you were going to find out how inferior I really was. I thought that you were going to found out that I wasn't really as bright as I pretended to be I thought that you were going to find out that I was afraid I thought you were going to found out the things about me that I didn't want anybody to find and the only time I ever could get away from that feeling was when I drank but soon drinking became a pattern with me and I drank and I was a daily drinker frequent drunkard and towards the end I was a daily drinker and a daily drunkard to one extent or another my drinking led me on to the point where I was arrested 23 times for public intoxication twice for being in possession of a vehicle while intoxicated all those DWIs I guess and once for urinating in public that was my last arrest and it wasn't because that was so bad that I automatically just stopped drinking at that because it wasnít. I was embarrassed, but I wasnít any more embarrassed with that than I was being picked up walking out of the town and country lounge at the Mayflower Hotel after having had drinks with some administrative assistant on Capitol Hill for Christís sake. You know, it was no different to me at all. It didnít make any difference. It was no big deal, so I got to pay a fine. So you go to the precinct and you pay the fine and you walk away. Big deal, except that I thought, you know, if they knew, if they new that these things had happened to me, if my employer knew I'd been arrested so many times, I know that they would fire me. You know, they've come close to it anyway, but if they know this, this would take it over the edge and I would be dead, I would dead meat. There's no way that I would able to do that. There's no way that I would be able to make it if my wife knew about it. Not this wife. She knows about it, but my first wife. If she knew those things, she'd go in a minute, and I wouldn't have blamed her, and I had to hide them from her. And, you know, it's not that much money. I mean, public intoxication was $10. bucks. That was way back when, when you were, many of you were just a light in your father's eye. But I don't know what it would cost today, $50, $75 or whatever the fine might be. But that's all it was at that time. Just give them $10 and go back and sit in the drunk tank and three hours later they let you out. No big deal. The first time it was a big deal, the second time it wasn't very nice, the third time it as an inconvenience, and the fourth time that arrogance would come out and I'd say, oh screw them, you know, big god damn deal. You know take me on to the precinct, it's going to be three hours, I got ten bucks who cares? And I didn't care. It didn't make any difference. You can really get used to anything. You really can get used to anything, and I got used to that embarrassment. It really didn't embarrass me anymore. I didn't care. It was really a major inconvenience because it took me away from drinking for three hours. That's what it really was. It wasn't anything else. It was just a damn nuisance. Itwas a nuisance, that's what I was to them. I'm sure I was a damn nuisance but it felt like that to me so it wasn't any big deal, and then I had those things on my mind. I had the things on my mind that I've been having an affair with a woman since before I started going with my then wife, before we even started dating. I was having an affairs with the boss's secretary and I had it all the time I was dating and all the time that I was engaged all the times that I were married too and I never thought anything about it I never thought anything about it. I never though it was wrong. Hell, Joe was my friend before I met this one. We just had a relationship. It was no big deal. I had no great intentions of... I wasn't in love with her and it wasn't anything like that. We'd just go out and drink. She was a drinking companion and a drinking buddy. And we'd just got out and drank. And if we went to bed every now and then, okay, no big deals. There's nothing to it. We're just friends. that's the way I thought about it but when I was sober I didn't think about it that way when I thought it another way I thought that isn't really right there's something wrong with this you ought to make up your mind which one you're going to go with you're gonna go with your wife she's the mother of your two children or you're gong to go with Joel over here and my wife made up my mind for me on that. She came to the conclusion that marrying me for better or for worse was fine, but drinking, she didn't marry me for drinking. And she didn' t marry me with the idea that I was going to be an alcoholic and that sort of thing. So she said, you know, better or worse is one thing, but your drinking is another and I can' t stand it anymore and you'll have to leave. And so I left. And I was just waiting for the invitation. I mean if I had been able to dance on my tippy toes, I would have danced on my tiptoes because I didn't want to live there. I hadn't wanted to live with her for a number of years and so when she said that it was just hey, I'm ready. Get the hell out of here and I was very relieved to go and I felt very good about leaving when I left except that almost every night after that I cried myself to sleep in my pillow thinking of the two children that I had left behind that I was not the father of and that I loved and I wanted to father them and I needed to be their father they needed a father and I would cry myself to sleep nearly every night I mean frankly I didn't care about her one way or another I'm going to see her in a couple of weeks my first son is getting married on the 29th of June and he asked me to come in and go to the wedding. I'm going to go in and go the wedding and I'm sure that my ex-wife will be there. She's been married twice and divorced twice since she divorced me. She's a grass widow, a real grass widow. Grass widows are divorcee. You all don't even... Jesus! God, you're awfully young, aren't they, Jackie? Oh well, I try to bring myself back down to when I was 14. But she'll be there and my son is getting married and I'm looking forward to that. He had a very unfortunate marriage a few years ago. He married a gal and she died some few months later from muscular dystrophy, cystic fibrosis. She died about five months later and he took it very well. He knew that she was going to die someday, and he said, well, I loved her as long as I could. And she was loved, and she deserved to be married like anyone else. And I was quite surprised by his attitude, really. And he's a good man. He's a young man, and I'm very proud of him. He's redneck, though. God is a redneck. Nice redneck, but not a redneck. He lives in Tidewater, Maryland, and he likes to go crabbing and spends a lot of time going crabbing and fishing and things like that. God, he is the absolute opposite for me. He loves to be outside and loves to do outside things. You know, even as a little kid, he liked to go out and break the leaves and all that kind of crap. I don't know where the hell he got that from. He didn't get that from me, and I don' t think he got it from his mother either. But he just loves that sort of thing, and I love for him to love it because I know I can recognize when somebody loves something now. Something in me has happened. Something happened to me. Now let me tell you what happened. I was sitting one night at a sidebar cafe in northwest Washington on Connecticut Avenue in a very fashionable part of town. I was sitting there with Joe, this gal that I had had an affair with all of this period of time. And I was separated from my wife. I had a brand new American Express card. Brand spanking new. Still have it. my date 965 that's when I got it I've had an American Express card longer than Robert Redford has for Christ's sake well that's your opinion but I I had a brand new American Express car and we were dining out and having a nice time and we had gone out to the Fisherman's Inn out in Potomac, Maryland and had a dinner of some sort. I couldn't tell you what we ate but I know we had martinis before dinner and we ate two bottles of wine with dinner and we drank a drink of brandy afterwards and then I drove back to this sidewalk cafe and we sat there and we were drinking coffee and Rémy Martin Grand Fien Champagne Cognac. Now, for those of you uninitiated, let me tell you what that is. You can buy it today. It's $95 a bottle. I mean, that's top cabin. Now, I didn't always drink that way. I don't want to give you the impression that I'm some wealthy individual who came... I had that New American Express card, remember? I mean, actually, I would drink anything. But, I mean when you have a New American Express card you go top cabin, that's all and I knew how to go top cabin so I knew how to do that because I had seen other people do it I had managed to grow up somewhat because I'd seen other people's actions and I'd mimicked their actions so I could order the right thing I could order the right gin and vermouth in a martini and tell them extra dry and stir, don't shake. I knew all that crap. I was invited to cocktail parties at the Canadian Embassy and places like that. It's a State Department. I had many, many opportunities, many, Many opportunities in my life. The only trouble is I'd get invited once and I wouldn't get invited back because they didn't know they were inviting an alcoholic. But I did go to those things and I enjoyed it. So I knew what those social amenities were. I knew how to say please and thank you and when to do it and where to do It and how to eat and what spoon to use and what fork to use and all that. And I didn't have to do, those were the mechanics. I knew the mechanics but I didn' t know how you were supposed to feel on the inside when you did these things. I didn't know whether you were supposed to be a man or supposed to feel... How do you feel when you're in a sophisticated circumstance? How do YOU feel sophisticated when you feel like they're going to find out that I was arrested last night? Did they see me going up Connecticut Avenue there at L Street? Connecticut L at the Mayflower Hotel? Did they See that guy from the 7th Precinct grabbed me by the collar in one hand and by the belt with the other and I could walk tippy-toe to the squad car. Did they see that? Did someone here see that and I was afraid all of the time that someone that was important to me in my life was going to see me under those circumstances and they were going to say so to me or they were going to tell somebody that was in charge of my life like my boss or my wife or, you know, somebody like that and I would be found out for exactly what I was. I was always afraid of that and I knew it was going to happen and I new if they did, I would lose my job, I would loose my wife, I would loose whatever position in society that I had or aspired to or the opportunities to make a living, I knew I was dead. I knew if they found me out, I was dead, that I wouldn't be able to work in my career field and I worked in broadcasting and I made a good living. I knewI wouldn'tbe able to maintain that marriage and I knew my parents and my brother and sister would be just terribly embarrassed about it and they wouldn't have anything to do with me And I knew that I would be alienated then from all of the important things and all of the people who cared for me, and I knew what I would lose all of that. And I know that that would happen any moment. But when I drank, I didn't care, when I drink, I don't care. When I drank those emotions were put down and I didn t have that fear. I was all right, and I didn't care what they thought or didn't think. I was okay, and so the hell with them. I got into too much trouble that night. I was sitting there on September the 14th and sat there and was drinking Ramey, Martin, Grand, Fiend, Champagne, Cognac. Jo asked me to marry her. And when she asked meto marry her, I thought to myself, I had a moment of clarity I really did because I'd been drinking with this gal for years I mean I had known her drunkenly for years 8 or 9 years I'd known her and I thought to myself you know she's a terrible drunk I was always good at taking others inventory Not so good at taking mine, but she was a terrible drunk. And if I married her as much as she drinks and as much as I drink, you know, I used to have to literally carry her to her car so she could drive home sometimes. She couldn't even walk for God's sake. You know, and she would get drunk and she wouldn't go to work and I'd have to go over to her house and get her out of bed. You know stuff like that. And, you know, she was a bad drug. And I thought if I married her, we'd both lose our jobs. I had just enough to drink that night. I had Just the Right Amount. I didn't have too many drinks. I wasn't short a drink. I had JUST the RightAmount. because she asked me that question. If I'd have had another drink, I would have thought about some things. But I thought to myself, you know, I can't marry her. She'd be drunk all the time. I'd be junk. We'd both lose our jobs. I can'T be a husband to her. I'm not a husband to my wife that I have legally now. And I'm NOT a good father and I'm Not a good son and I'M not a good brother. I'M a terrible employee. I'M A bad citizen. and I just looked at her and I said no Joe I can't do that now Joe had some money she drove a Mercedes and even in those days people who drove Mercedes had money I mean it wasn't any different then than it is now but I thought that she had inherited some money and she bought a Mercedes you know how people are about buying things they get a little bit ahead and buy cars and that sort of thing. And I thought that that was what it was, but that wasn't what it is. That's not what it really was at all. She had an income from an estate. And I didn't think that I would be able to financially make it married to her because I would have to pay child support and alimony and that kind of thing and if I'd have known if I had any idea because she inherited 27 million dollars net net and if I would have known she had that kind of money I'd say honey we get married tomorrow and I would've and I've been dead Because what ended up happening is she eventually inherited that money some two or three years after I had gotten sober. She eventually inherited that money and she got fired from her job for being a drunk and she went down to the Virgin Islands and built a large house down there and she died as a result of an overdose of tranquilizers and booze and I would have been right there next to her. And I would've been right here and I'd be right there next to Had I had another drink, I may have discussed finances with her because I didn't have any. And I would have said, well, I don't have anything. I don' t have any money. How can we do this? And she would have says, well, now let me tell you. One more drink and I never would have made it to Alcoholics Anonymous. One less drink and she never would have asked the question. It was just exactly the right amount. and I said no I can't do that and I got up and I left and I paid the bill with my new American Express card and I went home home was the sewing room in my mother's house now the sewing room was just a small room big enough for a single bed and a bedside table and a bureau and that was all there wasn't much room to wander around in there at all. The bed was up against the wall here and up against a wall there you know, there was that much space at the foot of the bed between the bed and the bureau and you know there may have been three or four feet between the other wall and the bed I didn't mess up much of a room when I was living there and I was a mess when I wasn't living there and she didn't want me to mess up the big room which was empty with a nice big bed in it, no You know, I was such a mess that she didn't want to do that. So she put me in this little room. I was in this Little Sewing Room, what had been a little sewing room. And many times I'd gotten drunk and gone to bed drunk and rolled off of that bed and rolled under the bed, awakened in the middle of the night and tried to figure out where the hell I was and sit up and hit my head on the springs. Oh, it was a delight, I'll tell you. but I was really very fortunate. I don't remember ever waking up lying under the bed, having the bed drip on me. I was lucky. I could have, but I guess I crawled in bed and did that later. But I went back home and drove back home to my mother's house and came in and I went upstairs and went in my room and I sat on the edge of my bed and I thought to myself God what are you going to do God what is wrong with you why can't you be like other people why can'T you you know you like Joe why couldn'T you have said yes why couldn't can'Tyou be a good son and a good brother and a father and a husband and a citizen and a employee other people are Why can't you? What is wrong with you? What is long with you?" I had been to psychiatrist after psychiatrist. I had spent thousands of dollars in psychiatry. I had gone to a doctor. I had went to two ministers. They had prayed with me and over me and around me and all that. That didn't work. I talked to people who were my intellectual superiors. We had long discussions, and I read books, and I got nowhere. I got anywhere. There was nothing that would work that would give me the relief like one martini would. There was Nothing in the World that would Give Me That Relief. I sat there on that bed, and And I remember one time talking about, talking to someone about going to Alcoholics Anonymous. And I didn't know what to do about it because I didn' want to go to Alcoholic's Anonymous, Alcoholics' Anonymous was the last place in the world that I ever wanted to go. I knew that AA was filled with derelicts and bums and near-do-wells and used-to-be's and some has-beens and some little gray haired little old ladies with blue tent who would lead us in prayer and lead us in hymns and jump us to Jesus and you know put a nickel on the drum save another drunken bum it was a salvation army and I didn't want to go there I was much above that in my own arrogance I didn' t want to go to that place at all but I didn''t have any other place to go I couldn' t live anymore I couldn''t live with me anymore I couldn't drink anymore drinking was working but I just couldn't take the works anymore. I couldn't make a living I couldn' t take the results of my drinking anymore. I couldn''t live with the consequences of my actions anymore. There's Chip. He's just been to the men's room. I can tell he's back, his face is flushed. Everything turned out all right. Well, I tell you when I was new in Alcoholics Anonymous my sponsor told me you go to the bathroom before the meeting so that you can stay seated during the meeting just go before the meeting you don't have to get up and walk out in the middle of the meeting and make some sort of a spectacle of yourself that way I said, oh I've tried to do that ever since, but sometimes an emergency arises. I must go. I'm sure that that's the case. He's a responsible man. He's getting married Friday. He isn't thinking of himself at all. He's thinking of her. That's good. Don't believe that. Not for a damn minute. I sat on the edge of that bed and said, Jesus Christ, what am I going to do? What am I gonna do with myself? What am i gonna do? And I remembered AA and I remember all the things about it and I said, well, that's the only thing I can do. You know, this business of psychiatry doesn't work and this doesn't works and that doesn't worked and nothing works. And people say that I have a drinking problem. I think that they're nuts because drinking is the only thing that works for me because drinking is the solution to my problem. It's not my problem it may be their problem but it's not MY problem MY problem is not drinking but I'll go anyway I know it won't work but I will go to Alcoholics Anonymous anyway and I got up the next morning and I called a minister that I had seen who had talked to me about AA and about going to AA, and he suggested that if I sat right there I'd get a phone call from someone in AA and they would get in touch with me and do something with me. And I said okay, and that happened. And I got a phone called and the fellow said that he would meet me that night at the corner of Fox Hall and Reservoir Roads in Washington, D.C., And he would then take me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I said okay, and I want you to know something. He said just don't take that first drink. And I could not drink for a day and I knew I could no drink for day so I didn't do that. I didn' t take a drink. And I met him on the corner of us under a stop sign at Fox Hall and Reservoir Roads And he came by and picked me up, and he took me to my first meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous in Silver Spring, Maryland, in a community center. He went out of his way. He lived in Annandale, Virginia. He lived some 15, 16 miles from where he picked me. And he was going from there some 10 or 12 miles out in northwest Washington. And he Was taking me to My first meeting. And he went out Of his way to do that. He had a meeting right there in town, right there at Annandale, Virginia that he could have gone to that night. But he didn't do that. He came and he picked me up and he took me out to this meeting. And at that particular meeting there was a man that was the DCM and it happened to be Ernie the attorney. Some of you heard him speak at the District 2 mini-conference this year. And Ernesto Constantino Raskowskis IV, to be exact. And Ernie the attorney was the DCM, and he showed a film strip, something like Circles of Love and Service. They talked about the structure of Alcoholics Anonymous. It was not a recovery meeting. It was a service meeting, and that was my first meeting in AlcoholicsAnonymous. And I went to that meeting, and I enjoyed what was there. I didn't want to go into the meeting. I was afraid to go into the meet and again I felt a stranger but I went in anyway and the people were friendly and they welcomed me there and I went to the meeting after the meeting was over we went to the hot shop nearby had hot fudge ice cream sundaes with marshmallow I hadn't had anything like that for years the idea of it right now is sounds like a good idea I haven't had one of those for a long time now either but we had those I was suggested that I keep something sweet in my system if I wasn't diabetic and that I keep something sweat in my stomach because it would make me physically feel better I would feel physically better because alcohol is converted to sugar in your system. You're used to a large quantity of sugar, so keep sugar, eat sugar, eat candy bars and that sort of thing. If you feel like taking a drink, eat something sweet and that'll give you a physical sense of well-being and soon the physical compulsion to take a drink will subside. It won't necessarily go away entirely, but it'll subside to the point that you can live with it. I went to a men's luncheon meeting the next day. I shook a lot when I was new in Alcoholics Anonymous. I had shakes on the outside and I had the shakes on the inside. I physically was in bad shape. I weighed 155 pounds. I'd weighed 165 pounds of sinew and muscle When I was in the ninth grade, literally, and I weighed 155 pounds, and I physically was in bad shape. My pancreas was fluttering all the time, and, you know, I just didn't have any energy. I just felt like I was going to die. I really felt physically terrible. I went to work the next morning as I said, I went to work and then I went the AA businessmen's luncheon and had lunch with my sponsor and some other people. And that night I went an AA meeting, a recovery meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous and a young man stood up there and it was his anniversary and he'd been sober for five years and he been sponsored by my sponsor, by the man who told me he was my sponsor. That's how I knew he was a sponsor, I didn't ask him. And because in those days it was traditional when you twelve step somebody you become their sponsor whether they like it or not. It was what that amounts to. And he twelve stepped me so he was my sponsor and he had sponsored this young fellow. This fellow had flown down from New York City to celebrate his fifth anniversary, and he stood there and cried and said that he loved his sponsor and what his sponsor had done for him and how he had changed his life and what had happened to him and that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous works. And I sat there and I could not deny the sincerity of what that fellow said. I couldn't deny the sincerity of what he said. And I was told to get to that meeting early, and I did get tothat meeting early. And by the example set by my sponsor, I helped to set up chairs that night. And we stayed after the meeting was over and we put up the chairs thatnight and helped them to clean up. It was a meeting of some 50 or 60 people, as I recall. The South Arlington Group. Do you remember that meeting? And I learned something in Alcoholics Anonymous that night. I began to learn it the first night, but I really learned something that night, and I learned what it was. It was that action is the magic word. It's taking the actions that changes your thinking. It is not psychologically possible to alter your thinking if you're an alcoholic as I am. But it is possible to take actions which have seemed to have absolutely nothing to do, have no relationship to the problem. I mean, what does setting up chairs at the Foxhall Group have to do with the fact that I don't have any money and I hate my wife and I'm going to lose my job? It doesn't have anything to do it. There's a number of people in this room who have done that, who have set up the chairs who had that and that's what they did and as an end result in time to come that they're happy today and they're comfortable in their life. It had nothing to do with the problem but it had everything to do with the solution because if you take the AA actions what happens is that you change your thinking and if you take the actions of Alcoholics Anonymous as directed by a sponsor the end result is your thinking changes all of the time that I was drinking I thought that I could out think my emotions I thought by the power of my will which is my intellect I could control my emotions and I couldn't do it and what happened when I came into Alcoholics Anonymous was they taught me you can't do that we know you can'st do that it's impossible to do that but this is what you do. You say you don't have any money and you've got financial problems? Go set up the meeting. Oh, come on. Pick up this new guy and bring him to the meeting Take home this new guy. Clean out the bathrooms. So-and-so is moving Saturday. Show up and over there and help him move. go to the seminar. It doesn't make any difference. You're not going to hear the answer. It's the action. It's doing that. It's sitting down and being quiet and listening to someone else once in my own arrogant life that managed to change me, and that's an action. Silence for me was an action, and I could sit there and I can listen. I could take that action, and it's a principled action and it works and I could do totally unrelated things and it changed my thinking and it controlled my emotions that's why we say in Alcoholics Anonymous before and I was taught this from the very beginning before you do anything unusual in your life before you go out and spend a lot of money on something or before you decide you're going to get married or before your marriage. Before you make big decisions, any real change from what you have been doing normally on a day-to-day basis, talk to your sponsor about it first. And I have tried desperately to do that. And when I don't, the funniest thing ever happens when I just go ahead and make a self-willed, take a self‑willed direction for my own pleasure. it jumps up and bites me right in the ass every time every time not just some time every time I have to pay the consequences of my own action whether I want to do it or not it's one of I don't know what it is but it's on of the laws of the universe I guess if you're self-willed you've got to pay the price it's a universal law I guess. But I know it's always been that way for me, and I've observed the people that I've seen in Alcoholics Anonymous and the people that I sponsor and I have observed it in them. And then we get back on the track and start taking the actions that are principled and going out of ourselves, going out a way to help somebody else, and we end up feeling good about ourselves again. And we don't worry about the fact that they're gonna find out about anything because there isn't anything for them to find out about that we haven't already discussed with our sponsor and with god as we understand it and probably at the local aa meeting at the discussion table there just isn't any thing that's a big deal anymore if you live a principal life and as long as i do that i feel like i'm doing good so the for the first time I can tell you something. Action is the magic word. It is taking the actions of Alcoholics Anonymous, not my willpower, that have allowed me to be comfortable with myself. Now, I stand before you tonight. I'm in a Brooks Brothers suit. Does anybody know what a Brooks Brother's... Raise your hand if you're familiar with what a Books Brothers suit is. They're very expensive. very expensive. It's a Brooks Brothers summer suit. Fits me very well. Doesn't it look nice, Peg? I bought it 16 years ago. 16 years ago. I fished it out of the closet tonight. I thought, well, I was looking for a summer suit and I said, well I haven't worn anything. I'd like to wear that for a change. It's just as good today as it was 16 years ago you didn't know I was wearing a 16 year old suit and you know what I can tell you I'm wearing a sixteen-year-old suit and it's not at all embarrassing to me at all it doesn't mean anything to me I don't really care whether you care or not I don t care what your opinion is you know I think that I look nice and neat and that's all I have to care about you know care about anything else and it's by the way it's just as fashionable as any other suit that I've seen in here here tonight. I don't know why, but you know, I thought maybe the lapels would be too wide or too pointed or something, but it's what they are today. I'm glad I saved it. That's really called using your money wisely, I'll tell you that. I never thought I'd keep anything for 15 or 16 years. I bought it before I moved out to Bellevue. It was set in 1974. Jesus. The only other thing I've kept that long was my wife. And that was mostly of her own choosing. I received a card today. I had sent a card, I'd sent a birthday greeting card to a gal that attends this meeting when she's in town, a gal named Karen Garrison. And she sent a card back and she said, thank you for thinking of me on my ninth anniversary and thank you für being there when I need to go to a meeting when I needed a meeting in that area when I'm there. Also, this and the Pacific Group, she included $9 to be sent to GSO as a birthday offering. I know that the gals who had their anniversaries tonight are going to chip in a buck a year and do that. And we send out, we send that money to GSO and it's credited to our group and we have sent quite a bit over the years. Last week we celebrated 87 years of AA Anniversaries. We didn't have many this week, but only two. But 87 years, and this group is a very viable group, and I'm very proud of it, and I're very proud to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I'm so happy that my first sponsor was able to introduce me to the actions of AA and going out of my way to help somebody else and how important it was to remember that practical experience has shown us that nothing so much will ensure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. This works when all other actions fail. That has great meaning to me because it has saved my life. That is the one thing that has saved my life, being a sponsor, going out of my way and helping someone else. And I have a great deal of gratitude for the guys that I sponsor when I'm listening to their sick little problems I'm not thinking of my sick little problems that's what the actions of AA do for you they get you out of yourself for a moment so that you can have some relief from your own mind that's the purpose of being a sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous because when I'm thinking of you I ain't thinking of me and that's a great relief because this mind can turn on me at any time I'm a frail, fragile human being. I am not perfect. I never will be perfect. I make a lot of mistakes and I feel I've embarrassed myself many, many times, sober and drunk, but even in sobriety. And I've done things that I'm not proud of and I've don't know what I've ever done things that a fraile human being does. And as an end result, I'm still sober in Alcoholics Anonymous because it isn't the bad things that we do that gets us drunk. It's us defending those actions that gets unscathed. That gets us strong. I'm very proud to have been asked to speak at my home group. I feel it a tremendous responsibility. I hope that I had some message for the newcomer in Alcoholics Anonymous tonight, and I hope some of you, the rest of you who are complacent in what your life is, maybe I said something that will change that and you will think about it a little more strongly and you'll go in that direction. I am so grateful that in actuality I outgrew my first sponsor. And when I say I outdrew him, you newcomers don't try that crap on anybody. I was sober for 17 years and I decided to change sponsors because I knew more about alcoholics Anonymous than my first sponsor did and that's a sad thing to say it's really a sad thing but a couple of years later he proved that to me by sitting in my living room and saying you know most of the people in Alcoholics Anonymous that I know and I've known and I have loved are so much better off than I am and he didn't mean financially and I said what do you mean and he said well they just seem to be better off they seem to more comfortable in their lives than I am in mine. And he said Dick, I know why it is. He said because they've worked the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and I never have. And I never had. And I said Buck, it's not too late. But it was. He died when he was sober for 33 years. I did change sponsors, and in changing sponsors, I got a very action-oriented sponsor who challenges me to take the actions of AA. Whether I think that they're appropriate and fit the cause or fit the need or not, all I have to do is to show up. One of the things that he told me that I believe and that I've passed on to a lot of you is that it's just my job to load the wagon. It's just My job to take action, to load The Wagon. It's none of my damn business where the wagon's going. It's just my job to load it, and that's all that I do. I just do it one day at a time, just like the newest guy on Alcoholics Anonymous or the newest gal. My first sponsor told me something. He said, you know, Dick, he says, when you come in, now that you're in AA, there's something that you better watch out for. And I said, what's that? And he said, there'S a slip under every skirt. It was kind of a chauvinistic remark, wasn't it? I have something for you girls, too, that you might think about. You know, the men in AA might pinch your asses, but the women in AA are going to save your assES. And that's what we have to remember. Alcoholics Anonymous is a great place. We learn some simple practical tools to our existence which will take us where we want to be, which will make us the person that we always wanted to be and give us the opportunity to spend some time, if we are principled in thoughtful contemplation of him who presides over us all. And I want to thank you very much. Thank you.