Sponsorship Without the Roman Numeral – Sterling H.

Oh boy, ooh, ah, yeah, okay. Hi everybody, I'm Sterling Holmes, an alcoholic. Hi Sterling. Through God's grace, this program's sponsorship, I haven't thought of necessarily taking a drink since the 2nd of June, 1981. And for that, I'm truly, truly, truly grateful. I don't know those of you who said ooh and ah. I don' t know what y'all heard because that's the only thing that makes me ooh and anah. Well, I' m not even going to go into what makes me ooh and aah. Thank the committee for asking me. Thank you, Jim, for asking me and I appreciate you asking me out tonight. This is really, it's been a really nice turnout. Food was great And I know quite a few people in here. I have the benefit of having some people that I sponsor here, some Brother Pigeons here, my sponsors here, some people who have heard this talk about 48 hours ago, shortened version of it. I'll get into that a little later. But, you know, I'm really blessed to be a sober member of Alcoholics Anonymous. I'm blessed to being here tonight. You are also. Happy New Year to everybody. Welcome to those of you who are new to AlcoholicsAnonymous If this is confusing you, if you don't really know what's going on and you're wondering what this is all about, you're in the right place because we don't have a clue either. We've just been doing this for a long time. It seems to work, obviously, because there's a lot of us that would have been other places on a Friday night. If I was still drinking, I wouldn't be caught dead looking like this out here on a Fridays night. But I look good as a direct result of Alcoholics Anonymous. I stopped by Starbucks over there, and the guy held the door for me. See? See, I grew up in the South Bronx, you know, so back in the day, he would have been checking to see if he still had his wallet, okay? So I'm doing pretty good. Since I've been hanging out with y'all, I've be doing pretty well. I'm pretty good, you now, and I'm really grateful for Alcoholics Anonymous that manifests itself in my life the way it has, because otherwise there'd be another person here, and I'd be out doing something else. Like I said, I was born in Missouri, but I grew up in New York, in the South Bronx, not too far from Yankee State, and where they make all the movies. I took my first drink at 13 years old, and thank God I did because I don't know about y'all, but I was one of those people who was chronically self-centered even in kindergarten. You know, I wasn't one of the kids that needed sponsorship in kindergarten, you know what I mean? Really, because when I walked into a room this size and there was all these kids. It was two groups, me and all y'all. And I needed something to get, you know, so if I had made the phone call, they would have said, eat the cookie, take the nap. You know, that's all you got to do in kindergarten. But, you Know, I wouldn't have paid any attention because I'm always up in here. You know? My grand sponsor says I may not be much, but I'm all I think about, and that's the way I am. I think of myself as a person. I think what about me? What about me, what's going to happen to me? What about my mind? Do they love me? Do they really love me, you now? I mean, that's what I'm always thinking about. That stuff don't go off from the time I get up to the time I go to sleep. That's what's going on. Occasionally, that is interrupted with thoughts about you. But most of the time, I'm thinking about me. My full name is Sterling David Holmes III. Isn't that something? When you got a Roman numeral at the end of your name, you're supposed to get a country to run. I grew up through most of my life waiting for my country. And I got a little sister at seven, moved in my room, pissed me off. I'm always disappointed, you know, always thinking about me. I grew up in the 50s and 60s, and I watched a lot of TV. And on television, you had those, you known that nuclear family, you know the 2.3 children, the picket fence, the whole deal. You know, now you can look at me and tell mom wasn't Donna Reed, okay? And if there was a problem in our house we never solved it, if it was with me, we never got solved in a half an hour, I can tell you. But I always thought if I had that kind of lifestyle, I wouldn't be as screwed up as I am, but I'd have been to thousands of meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous. I've sat right next to Beaver Cleaver, and he's just as screwed-up as I am. So it wasn't where I grew up. It wasn't what was going on in my family. It weren't any of that. It was me. This is before I drank. So I got there. I'm bodily and mentally different from my fellows, according to the book. And it's been proven by my experiences before I drink, while I drank, and it's been proven just recently to yesterday day before yesterday as a matter of fact i'm bodily and mentally different i think different i'm weird i'm not wrapped too tight and a person like me you know who is self-centered and i was i was running around not trusting my family wondering about i was always on condition yellow even though i grew up in the south bronx you know where they a lot of them we still had a lot OF GOOD THINGS GOING ON BUT I HUNG AROUND WITH SOME OF THE GUYS WERE CRAZY AND I WAS ALWAYS SCARED I DON'T KNOW IF THEY WERE SCARRED BUT I KNEW I was scared. I had all this stuff going on inside my head. Thank God at 12, 13 years old, I discovered tall can of cold 45. Otherwise it'd be somebody else here. If you can't live the life I was trying to live, thinking as much as I was thinking, feeling as intensely as I Was feeling without something to take that all away. And I found it. It was a tall can of code 45. When I knocked that back on a summer's day in the South Bronx, I felt like I could speak as well as Jesse Jackson, play sports as well, as Reggie Jackson dance as well as Michael Jackson. And that's the way it made me feel. Now, I don't know if you've had that experience. I know some of these guys. I sponsor a couple of these Guys. So I know they're weird, okay? And I know so many people because some of These people go to my home group. So I Know, You know, It changed the way I saw life. I don' t think it changed anything for real, but it changed the Way I felt about it and how I handled it. And when I got the Alcoholics Anonymous, y'all were telling me to leave that alone, to put it down. And it was my solution. It was number one on the list of solutions for me. It was, it was number 1 even when it was kicking my butt. It was still number 1. It's my number 1 top solution to all of my problems, alcohol wise. And if it wasn't for Alcoholics Anonymous and all the stuff I got to do to be comfortable here, it would still be number 1 because give me a bad day and a tall can of Coke 45 is going to fix it. So if you're in here right now thinking that you would love to have whatever it is you like to have on a friday night i understand you're in the right place stay just stay until it drops on the list until you got some other options because that's what i have today i got other options i can make some phone calls i can do some stuff i can drop to my knees i can doing a lot of stuff besides drink today but when i got here that was the only thing i could do because that was only thing that i thought worked 15 16 years old i was using I mean, I was trying to impress this girl. You know how it is when you get a new girlfriend, you got to do something you do well to impress her. So I challenged her ex-boyfriend to a drinking contest. And we would drink, it was in the South Bronx, we'd drink a hot cheap gin, and we didn't have shot glasses, so we had like Dixie cups, you know? You know what hot cheap Gin does to Dixies? Melts Dixy cups is what it does. But I won. I passed out, and the party overnight became a slumber party, You know, I mean, you know, that was the way it was. I woke up the next morning and they told me what had happened and everything, and I was really embarrassed. I was kind of ashamed of it. But I blamed it all on bad onion dip. It had to be the onion dip, couldn't have been the cheap gin I was drinking or the six or seven beers I had before the party started to get ready. You know how it is, get ready, you now? It couldn't been that, had to have been that onion dip Now, I don't know if anybody's been pulled over by Douglas County Sheriff for having one too many tacos. They ain't in this room, that's for sure. I know some of you, you know. There's no way. It was my reaction to ethyl alcohol, but it was my solution. Even at 16, I could not give it up and would not give it up for many, many, Many, many years. I wanted to join a gang in the South Bronx. There were several gangs in my neighborhood. One of the interesting things about the gangs in my neighborhood, you now, my mother and father spent a lot of money trying to give me a good education. I'd taken a few tests in school, and they thought, you know, he's pretty smart. So they tried to direct me in that path. And because of that, people in the neighborhood knew I might be able to get out on my brain power. They wouldn't allow me, none of my friends who were in gangs wouldn't allowed me to join a gang. That was the way it was back then. It's a little different now. But if you wanted to destroy your life and you had a chance of getting out of the neighborhood, people were not going to participate in that. You're going to have to do it on your own. So I decided to join the big gang, the Department of Defense. That's a big gang. Jack, when you go to a gang fight, we got nuclear weapons. When we go to an gang fight somebody is going to get hurt. You know? And that was the deal. Now, the Air Force did not know that I was an alcoholic. Because, you know, I didn't look like one when I was 18, 19 years old. Been to four different colleges. Don't have a degree in any one of them, but I've been to four different colleges and I'm pretty intelligent. Reggie says I'm educated beyond my intelligence, but I don't know if I always believed that. Particularly a couple of days ago. But anyway. But I decided to join the Air force. And it looked like they thought they were getting a reasonably grown person. They were going to train and send someplace, and I thought I was going to get the travel. My sponsor says his alcoholism bloomed, and mine did in the military because they gave me what I think is the necessary things for the development of my alcoholism, which was you need money, you need a place to crash, and you need food, at least initially. Now, the income that you get don't necessarily have to be your income. The place where you go in the crash don't necessarily have to be yours. And, you know, in the beginning food's important, but at the end, no big deal. But that's what the Air Force had provided me. They got me away from Mommy and Daddy, and it put me in a place where I had an income. I had a place to crash. I was reasonably certain that I was safe, and my alcoholism just took off. They put me at a club, and I could hang out in that club and be anybody I wanted to be. And I had wonderful time drinking and got in trouble and started getting in trouble on a regular basis. And you know how we are when we get in trouble. You know, we got something going on on the outside and we got to fix this problem. You know? So what do we do? What does a chronically self-centered, egotistical, fearful, half not wrapped too tight alcoholic do when they're in trouble? They decide to get a relationship, don't they? Say, I'm going to find somebody to help me love me. Now, alcoholics don't date. We don't ever date. we hunt down and we capture I found the object of my obsession I locked on I promised this lady the world not truly meant that, I was going to make good by it I really didn't care for her but the deal is I locked off a lot of people encounter us when we're coming up in our disease and they sense the danger something ain't right you know, and they run away. Now I've discovered there's a group that hangs around us don't run all that fast. And that was the one I locked on to her and I promised her the world and she said yes and we decided to embark upon our relationship and had a kid real quick because you got to do that. Got to get them committed so they can't go anywhere. And for a long time she stuck around until I was several years sober before she finally made that break You know, because she was done. She was through, you know. But I wanted to. If you're going to do alcoholism, you cannot be a good dad. If you want to do alcoholicism right, you can not be a good brother. Can't be a great father. Can't have a good employee, employer, doctor, lawyer, Indian chief. You cannot be any of those things if you're going to alcoholism. Because alcoholism is a rapacious creditor. It takes everything. Absolutely everything. Took all my self-respect. Took a lot of money. A lot of money. And most of my time. I was a full-time drunk. I was part-time GI, but I was full- time drunk and an all-the-time asshole, you know? That was the deal for me. And so we started, I got sent over to the seas to northern Japan and that's when my alcoholism really took off, was the last two years of my drinking. My mother passed away and the guilt associated with not treating her the way I should have started the The last two years of my drinking, that was that crazy kind of angry kind of drinking. I was stationed overseas. My daughter was born. In Japan, they drive on the wrong side of the road. You know? And I'd get so drunk sometimes, I couldn't remember which side of road I was supposed to be on. So I'd drive down the middle. And that kind of bizarre behavior sparks interest. You know, I mean, people start getting concerned. Society at large knows exactly what to do with people that do things like we do. You know. We just think we're having fun. But they called it, like, felonies and, you know, vehicular homicide. Things like that. They have no sense of humor. So they do things to us in order to protect us and isolate us from society. Like put us in rooms that don't have a doorknob on our side. They give us clothing that have real long sleeves and a lot of belts. You know, that kind of stuff. They do that kind OF stuff. And they were starting to lean in on me. And I was starting to get in some trouble. You know? Because I was waking up. I remember one time I was supposed to be at work in three hours. Well, came to, sitting next to this big Japanese guy. He's singing New York, New York. I come to. I don't know where I'm at. I need to be working three hours, and I don' t know where my car is at, none of that. You know, that kind of bizarre behavior worries folks. So they decided they were going to hit me. So they sent me to group. I don''t know if any of you have had experience with group, but when you go to group, you sit around and you talk about your problem. Now, I'm 21, 22 years old. I don'T have a problem. So I don't have much to share a group, you know. And there were several other people that felt the same way. So, you Know, group wasn't really taking off, I can tell you that. So Monday through Wednesdays and Fridays we were all supposed to go to group. And I blew it off one Friday because it really wasn't helping me and I got in even more trouble. So they decided to intensify my treatment. Because, You know, I would do Monday through Friday I wouldn't drink because I can quit any time I really want to. So, You Know, I was happy Monday through Saturday. I was just spreading warmth and sunshine everywhere I went. Because I'm happy. And I would go into the club to see my best friends. Yo, guys, I've known for months. These are close people. I mean, I can't remember their names, but I know who these guys are, man. We got the lawyer over here. We got The Rocket Scientist here. We got a nuclear physicist over. I mean we even figured out how to fix the world in a happy hour. It takes us only an hour to figure out how fix the word. We're all GIs drinking. We should be thrilled. Drinks are half price, but by the time you get to the chair at that bar, you're drinking to maintain, not to have a good time. We called it fun, but if you ever really looked at people at Happy Hour, they put a mirror on the other side of the bar so you can look at yourself because you are a sight, Jack. If you got a chair atthat bar, you are a sight because you done invested a lot of time and money to get that chair, and the only thing you got going for you is that chair. because you have no other character or no other personality other than that chair because all your stories are right there in that damn chair that was the thing I was paying for my ride and I'd come in there I wasn't drinking I'd be drinking a Coke they'd be sitting around telling stories I'd drink a Coke they'd have their drinks they'd start telling Vietnam stories I'd have another Coke then I'd Have a Rum and Coke I'd start Telling Vietnam Stories I joined in 77 it was over and I'd end up taking off in my car and losing it someplace and lo and behold I got in trouble Captain called me into his office and said this is it either you volunteer to go to inpatient treatment or I'm going to send you down there under my order if you don't make it out there successfully you're out of the Air Force wife is pissed every Sunday morning I'd wake up Robert Shuler would be on talking about his crystal cathedral And she'd be asking me them all-important questions. You know, the more important questions you get from people who care about us, who happen to have the misfortune of hanging around us when we're doing our thing. You know? Where you been? I don't know. Who were you with? Nobody. What were you doing? Nothing. Where's the money? You know those are the things I had to look forward to on Sunday morning. So she wasn't thrilled. The boss is telling me I got two weeks to decide. Now, you know, I'm an alcoholic. I'm in trouble. I got to go to inpatient treatment. Now, I got two weeks to volunteer. You know how long it took me to volunteer, don't you? Two weeks. Isn't that amazing? We got a disease that's going to kill us. Kill us dead. Drive us insane or kill us dead, and we got to think about it. It says in the book, page 23, you know, it's a difficult prospect. Only for alcoholics. I mean, if you tell somebody you got a fatal illness, you're going to die if you don't do something about it, And in order to arrest this fatal illness, all you got to do is read this book, call a guy, and show up where a lot of other people got the same disease two or three, four times a week. And your disease will be okay. Most other people will sign the deed to their house over to you just to get that kind of treatment. Okay? If you tell a cancer patient something like that, they'll be here early. See, we got to beg drunks to show up at meetings, don't we? Because we got, let's see, insanity or death or happiness in you. Is that insanity and death going to hurt? Because you don't want to get too bad. You know, have you ever met anybody that worked the steps too hard in AA? Have you ever heard anybody sitting at a table going, man, he's too traditional. You know what I mean? No. No. Because we'll half measure this thing until the cows come home or until we get real desperate. You know? Whichever comes first. Well, our sponsor shows up at the room or something like that. Whichever becomes first. You know that's the deal. Because I was not playing. I took two weeks to make this decision And when I got down there I didn't know they had met alcoholics And they gave me all that there was to know In 35, 40 days Everything you ever want to know about alcoholism Everything I mean the movie The cirrhotic livers The jelly neck chart of recovery And drunkenness And the I'll quit tomorrow All the stuff I felt so sorry for you people Y'all were sad I was going to make a contribution when I get out I really was. Because y'all were in serious trouble. I didn't think I was an alcoholic. We had a vote. There was 12 of us, 12 angry men. That's the way it was. There was a vote who was most likely to drink six months getting out of there. And if I had voted it would have been a unanimous voter. 11-0, landslide victory. In an election year, that's pretty good. You know, that is what it was I was sure to drink again. Had not been for coming to see a bunch of people in this little room. They had the little circle and the triangle, the little cycle with the silver A symbol and the blue circle triangle. It was in the same building as Take Off Pounds Seriously, right next to the rec center. So everybody can see you going up these stairs into this room. And I went into thisroom, and I don't know what y'all saw. I don'T know what your experience was, but this is mine. I was pitching them two old white guys, three white guys one sitting on the bed with two other white guys talking to him what I thought was a bible think, think, thing, first things first easy does it, this too shall pass 12 and 12 and these people that were smiling from ear to ear hi how you doing it's good to see you we're going to start the meeting in a few minutes you want a cup of coffee we had a sofa and a lot of chairs a sofa had a spring that was missing And it was a tradition to let the newcomers sit on the part. So they put me down in that, and I just told you, I thought y'all were weird. I thought you all were really, really weird. Something was wrong with you. Then you started with a prayer, ended with a pray, and you passed the basket, and that's when I knew immediately what you were. See, because I'm a product of Catholic school education. Don't have a problem with the Catholic doctrine. Some of the nuns that taught it to me weren't wrapped too tight, but other than that, the Catholic doctor is fine. I'm a product of that, but I didn't really want to practice Catholicism. I searched after Islam for a while, practiced a religion called Yudhava. At one time there was this young lady, I wanted what she had and I was willing to go to any lengths to get it. And she was in a Baptist choir. So I joined the Baptist choir and they got loaned out to this Methodist church. So on any given Sunday I was a failed Catholic Who was a practicing Muslim Singing in a Baptist choir In a Methodist church So I knew all about God I had the Book of Mormon I had both versions of the Bible I had Koran in English You know I was the kind of person In my underwear With a 36 ounce bottle Of Coke 45 Would argue with A Jehovah's Witness And win They would leave Okay So I know all about God So when you started that Start with a prayer and end it with a prayer and pass the basket. I'm waiting for you to jump me to Jesus or make me shave my head and sell books at the airport. Something about you, because I knew you were a cult. I knew immediately there was something wrong, something up. But you didn't do that. And newcomer, if you're still awake, this is the deal. This is the thing. This is what's the deal about Alcoholics Anonymous. You started talking about stuff. Now, I grew up in New York. I'm good at keeping secrets. you started talking about stuff about yourselves and you shared it so freely with such humor that it was obvious you didn't have any problems with it anymore I woke up naked on my lawn ha ha ha I had a 3.5 BAT ha ha I'm thinking to myself you should be telling folks stuff like this there was a small base I knew people were going to hear about it you know? I was embarrassed for you. But there was something about it. Even though you started with praying the way to prayer and passed the basket, you told stories about yourself. You were very, very open about what was going on with you. You shared your experience, strength and hope with me. And that's what attracted me to Alcoholics Anonymous. It wasn't all the stuff on the wall. It Wasn't even the book. It Wasn't any of that. It was the fact that you had a smile on your face when I walked in the door. You shared with me freely everything you possibly had and you didn't ask for a damn thing in return. And something about that compelled me to keep an eye on y'all. And in the process, now I'm going to tell you another thing if you're still awake newcomers, an AA group is cunning, baffling and powerful. They can make you do stuff you don't want to do. Because they hooked me into chairing that meeting on a regular basis because they knew, I thought because I was so eloquent but as you heard in the reading, you know Eloquence ain't really a requirement for this, you know. But I thought because I was so cool, you know, so they would have me come to the meeting and chair the meeting on whatever was on my sick little mind. They'd spend the rest of the meeting 12-stepping me, giving me solutions to those problems. There was this lady named Pat. Pat would have to hear, 3 o'clock in the morning is my suicide time. I don't know about y'all, but it's the rope of the river for me at 3 o', and I would call her and she was she never really reminded me about what time it was now i'm quick to really remind you about what Time It Is but she wasn't she was always she always heard what i had to say and she said well what can we do about it right now sterling you know i don't know i said well yeah i'll see you at the meeting and maybe we can figure out something and she would take care of me you know at three o'clock in the morning she was nice to me pete there was a guy named pete he was a navy guy five years sober lost a lot of weight quit smoking got sober you know he's big book thump about alcoholic tsunamis. He's just crazy. Crazy about alcoholic tsunamis and Pete was my sponsor. He didn't know it because if I had asked him and he said no I couldn't have gone back to that meeting and there was not another meeting around for 150 miles so Pete was our sponsor and I would listen to Pete and the thing is, Pete's mom died and he had to leave Masawa Japan. We were in northern Japan. He had to go home on emergency leave to bury his mom and within like two weeks of him getting back, his father passed And he was going back the next day, and it just happened to be a Wednesday night meeting. And everybody was telling him, you know, I'm giving him things to take with him. I'm given you patients to take avec you when you go back home, you name it, anything like that. And I really didn't want Pete to drink. And the only thing I said to him when it came my turn to talk, I just said, you now, Pete, I just hope you don't drink, and I started crying. And I don't think I had shed a tear to include the time when my mother passed. I don't think I had shed a tear since that time for anybody else. And I tell you, it opened the floodgates. And there ain't nothing worse than an alcoholic who's brand new is feeling stuff, you know? They don't have a sponsor, you now. But thank God the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous kept me busy. They let me make coffee. I make terrible coffee to this day. See, because there were 20 people that come to the meeting, and we had one of those just like that is over there. I would get there an hour early for a 20 minute commitment I figured 20 people 20 of them little caps Starbucks ain't got nothing on me Jack I was making espresso long before it became popular and they drank my coffee for two weeks we used a lot of cream during them two weeks but when we got in our little circle they all said thank you for your service work can we have a volunteer three four people volunteered you know so i've been in service ever since i saw so you don't never pass up a service gig because if you do it as badly as you can there'll be all kinds of help once you get good at it they fire your ass they never let you do when you get gut at it but i had a good time i mean and that i was there for about a year i got a year's sobriety they gave away a three-month chip to another guy pissed me You know, they gave away six because we weren't getting a lot of chips. So, you know, I didn't get a six-month chip or a nine-month tip, but I got that year chip. I damn sure got that ear chip. I chaired the meeting that night on my birthday, and this guy came in that had never been in the meeting before, and he said, how do you know when you're an alcoholic? And all these 15, 16 people that have been carrying me for this whole year all went. And I spent the rest of the time explaining to him what alcoholism was, at least from where I was coming from, you Know, and that's the deal. You know, whatever you got, it may not mean much to you, but there's somebody walking in the door, you might be opening the whole world for them. So don't ever hesitate to share what you got. Whatever time you got celebrated, you know, whether it's 10 days or 10 minutes or 10 years, it doesn't matter because what I've learned over the years is that the fact that we're here qualifies us to be able to help one another. The fact that we're here. That's why they call it a fellowship. We're not a professional organization. We're nicht any of those things. You don't have to have a prerequisite to come in here. You've already done all the research necessary to qualify yourself to be here. All we want to hear are the war stories and what's going on today. What's going On Today might just be the thing that's going to help me to get through my day. And that's what I'm looking for when I come here. I love the show. I love this show. I loved AA. I just had a small problem with Alcoholics Anonymous. There wasn't enough African Americans in AA. I didn't see that many. So I took it upon myself that I was going to get thousands of black folks in AA and they were going to put another picture up on their wall. Bill Bob Sterling. I'd rewrite the book later. I got to a meeting down the south side of D.C. where it seemed like there were thousands of black people in AA. Many of them sober longer than me, kind of pissed me off. But I've always gone to meetings. When I got back to the States, I went to meetings, now that, I'd like to tell you that the first few years of my sobriety were really good, they weren't, but I went to a lot of meetings and that's what kept me sober because I didn't have a sponsor, I had gone, I done the steps in treatment, you know how we do the steps in treatment because the guns to your head i'll do anything in treatment i had to put on a chicken suit that they'd made me did you know in treatment so i done i've done this i've done the steps i was doing seminars on the fourth step at this treatment center you know two three years over and i'm you know the night before i'm studying the 12 and 12 okay gonna all right i'll steal that yeah okay you know because i know they ain't ready they're in treatment for christ's sake you know i'm the alternate gsr my whole group now i know how to spell it so i'm walking around going i'mthealternategsr and they go well what's that uh jim you want to come over and explain to him what the hell i'm just walking around hip slick and cool you know having a wonderful time half measuring aa but going to a lot of meetings. Wife is thrilled, okay? People at the job are just so happy to see me come in every day because I'm half measure in AA, but I'm going to meetings. And I had a second pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization at five years of sobriety. I decided I was either going to kill myself or get a sponsor. Equally tragic decisions. I decided I'd get the sponsor because if that didn't work out, I could always kill myself later. My God with a sense of humor sent me to Omaha, Nebraska, which does not sound like A.A. Mecca. I figured Cleveland, New York, but Omaha, come on. And I go into a meeting that was downstairs of this Catholic church and I meet these people that are smiling from ear to ear, all dressed up. Hi, how you doing? Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous. We going to do this, let's do the other. Woo! We're in AlcoholicsAnonymous. You know, I was an Alcoholics Anonymous, you know? I was sober. And they were sober! You know? So needless to say, I watched these people for a little while because I could not believe it. Just, you know. And I got mad. I finally got to a point where I got desperate enough. There was a gentleman who walked up to me, had a meeting scheduled, and he circled some meetings and he said, if you don't want to hide in AlcoholicsAnonymous, then you should go to these meetings. Now, that pissed me off because I had five years of sobriety, you know? I'm an AA man about campus. How dare he? I took his inventory that day. I took his inventory the next day. I took his inventory the following day. You do three days taking somebody else's inventory and you don't have a sponsor and they're the same sex as you, get them for a sponsor. Reason being, if they're going to spend that much time in your head, at least they can clean some stuff up while they're there. I asked him to be my sponsor he made me say please then he gave me the marching orders one of which that if I was going to attend his home group whether it became my home group or not was to remain to be seen but if I were going to be his home I must wear a shirt and tie and jacket now I can tell you before coming to Alcoholics Anonymous I loved to dress up Because like my sponsor said just a couple of nights ago at my home group, you never knew where he was going to end up. I was the same way. I was always on condition yellow anyway, so I dressed for success. From the time I got up until the time I strolled back into the house all disheveled and tore up from the floor when the day was over or the week was over or however long I'd been out there. But the deal was I wore a tie to a whorehouse. The thing was it's not a big deal until he said I had to wear one to a meeting and my first wife would hear me complaining I'm putting this tie on damn A.A. Nazis down there at this meeting I hate these people they're so damn happy you know I'd get to the damn parking lot and I'd say I'm going to fire him, I'm gonna fire them I'm go to meetings where they're all pissed off like A.As supposed to be I'd shake that gauntlet of hands of people, how you doing? how you do it? How you doing? How you do it? You know, I mean, I'm just silly. We sing happy birthday all wrong. We have raffles for stuff that we'd give you anyway. We have a raffle if you really wanted it here. It's crazy. It is insane. But by the time they would read how it works, I was happy with it. I had to learn all these, about 300, 400 people, learning their names, getting to know them, starting to fall in love with them because they have this thing. They call it enthusiasm, called the God within. I don't know what it was, but one thing I knew for sure, they all knew something I didn't. So I hung around with them until it started spilling over on me. And in the process, I hadto get busy. I had to start doing some stuff. Rather than just talking about doing it, I had to actually do it. I had to commit to Alcoholics Anonymous. I was a I had to be available. I had to be inconvenienced. And the thing was as a result of hanging out with them I learned that even though that was hard to do it felt better when I did it in a group full of other people. Because I hung around with a bunch of people that whined and complained about having to do it, just like I whined and complained about it, but we all did it. And we got the end result, which was we stayed sober a day at a time. And I started to fall in love with these folks. And it's always been that way. Whenever I hang around with you, I feel my best. I'm the happiest. It's a lot of work sometimes because y'all are long, alcoholics are a long day. I mean, we're selfish and self-centered in the extreme. Some of us ain't wrapped too tight still. You know? And it says, how you doing? And when you ask an alcoholic, how are you doing? Sit down. Get comfortable. You know? Because it's going to be a story, Jack. I don't care how long they've been in the program. And I would go to these Alcatons and I would listen to people go on and on and on and off. It was just crazy. But I would be available. And I was inconvenienced. I did all kinds of stuff. I was asked just a couple days ago, I said I was going to talk about this because it really is sort of encapsulated. I'm still sick. I'm still 26 years old, but I'm still not wrapped too tight. I was asked to share at a meeting very early in the morning, Thursday morning. And the gentleman who asked me gave me a map and his phone number. So you know what I did with it. It was on the computer. That morning when I had to get up and go to that meeting, it was sitting on the computer. I thought I knew where the meeting was. I didn't know where the meeting was, I had no idea. I knew it used to be, but it ain't there now. So here I am driving around at 6 a.m. around Bellevue looking for a meeting. Now, usually you can find a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. Here's how newcomers, if you're ever looking for a meeting of Alcoholic Anonymous, this is how you find it. Crooked parking and people smoking. That's pretty much a meeting of Alcoholical Anonymous so I'm driving around looking at churches trying to find people smoking in Crooked Parking, you know? It's early in the morning or the sun hasn't even come up yet. I go back to the place where I thought it was there was a gentleman who does attend Alcoholics Announcements on occasion but used to do a lot of noon meetings When I was working shift work in the Air Force, I used to do a lot of noon meetings. And thank God I did a lot o' noon meetings because I knew Rick. And when I walked in and saw Rick, I said, Rick, where is the meeting at? He goes, he told me where the meeting was. Now, the likelihood of us seeing each other that day is astronomical. Now, if you're new to Alcoholics Anonymous, you just think it's a coincidence. Let me tell you, you are sorely mistaken. The deal was I was in need. I was in desperate need because I had committed myself to do something that I was real worked up and upset about that I wasn't going to be able to get it done. And what my higher power did was throw me a bone based upon things that I had done before, the fact that I Had consistently showed up at the meetings and put my hand out. I know folks. And that was a good thing Thursday morning because I did make it very late to that meeting, but I was able to keep my commitment. And the likelihood of that happening, if I had been lost in my own head about what I thought I needed to do in AA, it wouldn't have taken place because I'd have drove right by Rick and we would have never even known each other. See, that's the thing. You have thrown me life rafts throughout my entire sobriety, and all I've got to do is grab my own hold, and I get my butt saved. And I don't care how long I get to stay here. I hope to God I never forget that because I'm inside this head all day. Y'all only get to hear this tonight. I hear this every damn day. And sometimes he gets to hear it every week. The guys I sponsor hear it every time they call me on Wednesdays and sometimes every other day when they call. The deal is that it's always here, but when I share it with you, it seems to be a little more manageable. It seems to even be comical. It seems okay when I'm in the presence of you and I'm just giving you everything I got. And it ain't much, I know it ain' no big deal, but when I'm giving it to you, somehow or another I'm still full. I'm Still Full of Something That I Wasn't Full Of Before. A lot of my brother pigeons might think of something else, but the deal is I have been hanging out with you all this time. And I got stationed here and I got shipped out to California and I came back here to Omaha, Nebraska because I met a woman that I wanted to be with. I divorced the first one because she didn't want to be with me, and that usually happens when they don't want to be mit you. You divorce them. Or they divorce you, depending on how you want to look at it. But I was tore up from the floor upon that, and my sponsor helped me out with that one too. He said, make a list of the most perfect woman for you. And I did. I made a long list. Things that I thought would be perfect for the perfect woman for me. And he said, now you realize this woman doesn't exist. And strangely enough, I was okay with that. Because then I wouldn't have to worry about being with one when the perfect one walked by. Because the perfect woman would never walk by. They hadn't invented her yet. And it's a good thing that I, you know, that hadn't happened because I did meet God has a sense of humor. And he used to always tell me, for every pot there's a lid. So I just would do the things in Alcoholics Anonymous I was taught to do. Working two jobs. I was doing television in this market for, you Know, I don't know how old some of you are. But some newcomers have told me that they would be drinking and they would come to And they would look at the television on Channel 42 and they'd see my face And they'd go, damn, they're everywhere, you know Because I was doing TV weather for a little while, part-time for Channel 42 I was the first weatherman on 42 So I was like, hi, how you doing? You know, partly cloudy, that kind of thing And I was working and I was going to meetings And I wasn't sponsoring guys And the deal is the Air Force sent me somewhere else and I came back and I had met this girl in the process and we started dating and I left and was in California and for five years we still dated long distance. And when I realized I was probably going to end up having to go to Korea, I came home and married her and then they canceled the Korean assignment and I went back to California and I finally retired out of the Air Force and came here to live because of you. I was able to do that. And, you know, I know if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous, you're going yeah, yeah, right, right, right. But really it's true. Because of you, because of AlcoholicsAnonymous, I was able to go somewhere, maintain the commitment to not only this girl but to my sponsor. I was a responsible, attractive member of Alcoholic Anonymous in the place where I was. I was to keep my commitments, do my job and grow up as a result of being around Alcoholics synonymous, because left to my own devices like my sponsor said Tuesday night I wouldn't be here but I had made an investment in you, and you had made more importantly, you had make an investment in me I got some guys out there in California, weird really weird, and they would force me to go back in the book, and I also got involved in intergroup, and the last thing I want to do is get involved in inter group, you know how it is when you get involved you always got to rewrite bylaws whenever you get in the inter group if you're new in alcoholism synonymous and they say the magic word inter group just get ready to write some damn bylaws Because that's what's going to have to happen. And I was rewriting bylaws, and we was doing this and working central office and doing all that stuff, and that's the investment. That was the inconvenience that I had to deal with in order to grow up. There were people that were struggling with their alcoholism and other stuff, and I didn't know what that other stuff was all about, but what we would do is we'd sit down there with the doctor's opinion and talk about alcoholism. And if they seemed to be doing this when I was talking about alcoholismo, I just assumed they was an alcoholic, and I went on about it and shared whatever I had. It's up to you whether you want it or not. But I'm responsible for giving it, just throwing it out there, letting you have it. Do what the hell you want to do with it because it ain't mine to begin with. I stole it from somebody else. And when I came back here to Omaha, I had to find a job, and I found a job and married her and growing up and got the babies, the grandbabies, got the sons and daughters, broke my leg, did all kinds of stuff. I mean, you know, just living life. And through all of it, I've been able to make a Tuesday night meeting where I have watched people get old before my eyes. There's a guy sitting in the back of this room when I first met him, he had bright red hair. I think so did his wife. It wasn't... I got a disease of perception. I thought it was red, I don't know. But the deal is, I remember them. I remember several other people. I've watched the magic of Alcoholics Anonymous transform folks that walked in here tall from the floor. I mean, the biggest issues at the discussion meeting was whether or not you're going to get the car fixed, okay? You know, and things like that, or whether or Not the job was going to come, or whether Or not he or she was going To leave, you know? And that was the issues. And now it's issues about taxes and children, what school they're going to, and oh, damn it, soccer practices tomorrow. You know, we got this stuff going on when it was like we had those three-by-five. Anybody in here have a three-bye-five card tonight? Three-bye five card. All right. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, sweetheart. Welcome to alcoholics anonymous. Three-by five card is your entrance into Alcoholics Annonymous. Your ticket has been punched. You in. Okay? You are in. Because that's how we got here. We got here as a result of somebody else making us come here. You get here a failure, a screw-up, totally tore up on the floor. That's how you get here. And how you stay here is by doing the stuff we do. And what happens is stuff like your life starts to happen without you even being involved in it. You start getting jobs you're not qualified for. You get people in your lives you don't deserve. You start getting money you didn't earn. You know, all kinds of amazing things start happening in your life only because you've been associating with a bunch of people you don't even understand. They've been telling you about a God they don't know. A book they didn't write. All they've got going for them is their experience with this 12 and 12 and they're willing to give it to you for absolutely no cost whatsoever. And all they ask in return is that you just keep coming back. they put you in a little circle and they get you involved in service work and they do the things to you that work you over without your permission and that's called love and that is called hope and love and hope are some beautiful things because they are the closest thing to divinity we are ever going to have on the planet they are limitless they are messy they get all over everything they change and no matter how many people you get in your family you still love them no matter who many people come into the fellowship we still love them. No matter how many people come into fellowship, we still have hope for them. That's the thing that is the magic here. The stuff that binds us all together. We keep busy because that's necessary. Idle minds, you know, I don't know about y'all, but I'm still not wrapped too tight. You know? And the deal is if you're new in alcoholics and I'm just wondering whether or not you're characterized by whatever you want to call yourself or whatever they told you in treatment or when you were in the halfway house or whatever, and you're struggling with this title. Let me kind of, let me just clear it all up right now. I've been talking for about an hour. I'm been talking for a bottom now. If you've done this any of the time that I'm talking, guess what? Use an alcoholic because only an alcoholic does this when another alcoholic is talking. Al-Anons do this. There are two books that define the difference between the two programs. In our program, we have a book called As Bill Sees It. In their program, they have one called Lois Remembers. See, she was the only one with a job at the time when all this work was getting done. Paying taxes and all that. So, you know, that's the thing. But if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous and you're wondering what to characterize yourself, it's really not that important. It's really Not What You Call Yourself. What it is is what you do with us because the benefit you're going to get is you'll get to find out and figure it out for yourself. You'll be able to reason it out pretty quick if you do what we do because we're real good at doing it in a group. We have a collective experience that's absolutely vital to your survival. If you want it. If not, they used to tell me back in the day, we will cheerfully refund your misery. Cheerfully. Because my brother Pigeon talks about living in that fort and every once in a while you open the gate and there's some guy who walks in with a bunch of arrows in his butt. That tells him there's Indians out there. Alcoholism is waiting for me. I'm going to hope to God it waits forever. I want to be an old black man in Alcoholics Anonymous. One that they put in the wheelchair, you don't want to send a newcomer near? You know what I'm talking about. All the heads gone, teeth gone, the whole deal. They go, there's Sterling. How you doing, Sterling? Isn't he wonderful? Yeah, that's what I want. That's exactly what I wanted to be. That's what exactly what i want to do. Because what will happen as a result of me sitting in that wheelchair with more teeth and bald head is that I will still have the family that I have today that I was able to spend the holidays with without any fighting or screwing around or any drama that that can be appreciated that I get the hugs and kisses from my grandchildren that I am involved in working with people who on a good day are difficult you know but so am I I mean I get to be of this world as long as I hang out here with you. If I want to take it all back, I can take that tall can of Coke 45 back like that and what I'm going to get is I'm not going to get invited to stuff like this. That I'm not going to have dessert and I'm not going be able to enjoy a Starbucks anywhere in town because I'll be too busy trying to kill myself one day at a time. Okay? That's the deal. I'll close with a story that I think characterized what Alcoholics Anonymous did for me. Guy's trying to paint his house. Yeah, and he had a two-year-old helping him. When you got a two year old they ain't never no help. Never. So he found a magazine that had all of the continents on it the oceans and everything like that. He tore it up into pieces and told his child to go in the next room and put this puzzle together. Thinking it would keep the child occupied for a very long time and he'd be able to get some work done. Five minutes later the kid comes scampering out finished. What do you mean? I'm done. Well how did you, because he was sure there were some places he wouldn't have been sure where they were supposed to go. How could you do it so fast? He said, well, there's a man on the other side. Put the man together, the world came together. See? That's what Alcoholics Anonymous did for me. You know? That's the whole deal. I came in here with all these issues, stuff that I figured should be things that were important to me and you said, Well, I'm sure Sterling the world needs to be destroyed over that but in the interim, why don't we put that aside? Why don't мы give you a God that loves you? Why don't we give you a place where you can go on a regular basis, where you're going to be a part of and listen to us tell interesting and funny and sometimes tragically sad stories about our experience with this thing we call God. Why don' t we give some steps that you can work and put them up on the wall so you know what they are? And then, you know, armed with all of that, let's see if we can go back out there and tackle that world. Now, if you're new in Alcoholics Anonymous or you're old in Alcoholic Anonymous or you' re not even sure if you really want to be in Alcoholicals Anonymous, I don't really care. The deal is if you try this thing, if you tried this thing with one of our co-founders with half of the energy we put into drinking, you're going to get the keys of the kingdom. I truly and truly believe that. And I know that in 2008, we need to be ready because there have been a lot of people that have suffered as a result of other people's disease already this year, and we ain't even 11 days in. And that's the deal. There's going to be some hurt folks, and we need to be ready, armed with the facts about ourselves so that we can share it free and openly with these people so that maybe, just maybe, they'll identify enough to be able to stick around and relieve themselves of the suffering, and more important, leave those people out there of all the insanity. I hope, I hope that 2008 ends with all of us still being here sober and happy and joyous and free. And I wish you great success in your sixth anniversary. I'm grateful to be here and sober. Thank you.