Sponsorship Without the Mask – Pat R.

Okay, everyone, let's grab our seats. It's officially 8.30 p.m. My name's Ron. I'm an alcoholic. Welcome home. Quick announcement for the people on YouTube that are listening. And in fact, if you guys ever listen on YouTube, Jason works tirelessly and puts a lot of hours into posting these things. So if you're on there and you're listening, put a comment down and say, Thanks, Jason. How's that? If you remember that. Great work. We have a ton of people behind the scenes to make this group possible, and you know we're going to give a little shout out to our chairman, our official chairman for the last few years, Andrew, who's not here. He does a great job. And with that, we'll introduce the world's greatest chairperson. Let's give Nick a warm welcome. My name is Nick and I'm a shoe-a-holic. Welcome to Conscious Contact, speaker of Alcoholics Anonymous. My name Is Nick and i am an alcoholic. This is a one hour speaker meeting meets every Saturday evening at St. Paul's Lutheran Church 301 North Main Street in Doylestown Pennsylvania. Food and fellowship starts at 8 p.m. followed by our speaker at 830. The business meeting for this group meets every saturday at 7 p. m. to 7 30 right here please come early and join us the purpose of this group is to provide a consistent message of hope and recovery through God's reliance and service to others through the practice and teaching of the 12 steps. We record all speakers that may benefit from their message of recovery if you wish not to be recorded simply ask, and this is an open meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous. The group would like to welcome everyone especially newcomers. Is there anyone new or from out of town who would like introduce themselves on a first-name basis? Yes sir. Welcome, welcome. Yes sir. Hi Rebecca, welcome, yes sir. Jerry, you're welcome. Hey Matt, hey Ray, hi Ray. Okay, yes. Welcome. Okay and welcome to everyone. The Conscious Contact Speed Group encourages sponsorship. Would anyone with working knowledge of the 12 Steps and is willing to sponsor, please raise your hands. Excellent. Are there any announcements for the good of AA? Yes, Dave. My name's David, I'm an alcoholic. Friday nights 8-30, Lane Toney, there's a Burning Desires bonfire meeting. Start up about 7, drink some bourbon, start up your growth, coming out for a good time. Thanks Dave. Yes sir? Hey Dave! Thank you. Very good. Awesome. Okay, our sister group is a big book study meeting that meets every thursday at 7 30 and that's just up the street to salem church 186 east court street coffee's on at 6 15. we have meeting lists and big books on easy terms please see me or any member after the meeting if you cannot afford a big book the conscious contact speaker group will give you one at no charge anyone willing to make donations for the purchase of big books and cds to help those who can't afford them can put donations in the jar on the tail mark big book and cd donations and all the cds are available free of charge please subscribe to our youtube channel the conscious contact speed group of doylestown pa and our facebook group subscribe and share you can find our speakers there join our facebook page and keep informed and share upcoming events and meetings and now with that i have michelle to come and read our adjustment today prayer recovery hi everyone my name is Michelle and I'm an alcoholic just for today prayer of recovery just for Today I will be agreeable I will look as well as I can can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, not find fault with anything and not try to improve or regulate anybody except myself. And I'd like to ask Will to come up to read the preamble. Hi everybody, I'm Will and I'm an alcoholic. Alcohol Anonymous is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism. The only requirement for membership is this desire to stop drinking. There are no dues or fees for AA membership. We are self-supporting through our own contributions. AA is not allied with any sect, denomination, politics, organization or institution. Does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses nor opposes any causes. Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety. Now I have Mandy to come up and read the 12 Steps of Recovery. Hi guys, Mandy, alcoholic. Hi, Mandy. Where are they? Are you back? One more? Oh, we're there. All right. The AA 12 steps of recovery. One, we admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. Two, came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Three, made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. Four, made us searching and fearless in the moral inventory of ourselves. Five, eminent to God, to ourselves, and to another human being, the exact nature of our wrongs. Six, were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. Seven, humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings. Eight, made lists of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. Nine, made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Ten, continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. Eleven, sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him praying only for the knowledge of his will for us and the power to carry that out. Twelve, having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all of our affairs. The seventh tradition. Every AA group ought to be fully self-supporting and inclining outside contributions. At this time I'd like to pass the baskets. We have no dues or fees, we do have expenses and this group provides many services. Your donations cover food, rent, big books, CDs events and workshops. We also have a venmo if you don't have cash come see me after the meeting we have a venmo for that as well please take a moment to silence all cell phones and please try to limit movement during the meeting to avoid distractions now to introduce our speaker a good friend of the conscious contact speaker group tonight we have nashville pat from tennessee from the 11-step group Hey. I'll pat on my alcoholic. I got a home group, which is the 11-step meeting. It used to be men's stag. Men's stags where they bark at you. They talk about God real aggressively. It's just my kind of place. But we're two kids in a different kind of life now. The 11-step group is much calmer. They pray a lot and they're so quiet there it makes me uncomfortable. That's why I keep showing up. Anyways, my sober date is December 2nd, 2012. As you can tell from my accent, I'm from South Philadelphia. I'm playing. I'm out from Nashville, Tennessee. That's where I got... I got sober in Burns, Tennessee but my home group, the most important thing to say and I used to hate hearing it was I've worked at 12 Steps. I have a sponsor who has a sponsor who has a sponsor. All of us not only work the 12 steps ourselves but we take other men through the 12 steps and that's really important to say. So I don't know, it's been a while since I spoke and I really don't like to speak. People tell me I'm good at it but I don' t really like to. I like one on one a whole lot better. From Nashville, Tennessee I was raised on the west side of town. My parents were separated and we come from a rougher area. I used to say we was poor folk and we'd come up in this terrible environment and I saw later on in sobriety how much that hurt my mama's feelings to say that. So we came up with good morals and not many means is how I like to put it now. But anyways, I've heard a lot of different ways. I knew I was an alcoholic at 10 years old when I bumped my toe and was scared to talk to, you know, the girl in the neighborhood. I don't know. Psychologically, I couldn't explain it to you. The best one I heard, I know. So if we were all best friends early on, if it was three of us and we were best friends, there was something in my head that always said, y'all were better friends than I was with y'al, right? There was this peculiar mental twist towards everything, right, and so I can identify with that. there's this little old lady from the south and she was speaking one time and she said you know I hear that story about I took that first drink and I was six foot tall and bulletproof and she said when I took a drink I was still four foot and fat I just didn't give it and I can relate to that a whole lot better too right I think digging too much into that psychology of how I am stops me from being who God wants me to be and uh and Alcoholics Anonymous and some of the good old-timers man they helped me surrender uh that opinion or what I had to know to be so and I'm very grateful for that um but like I said and I'll do my best not to cuss God please help me don't say the f word it's one of my favorites that's an f um anyways so I grew up in West Nashville I took my first drink when I was 12 years old lifestyle is a big part of my story not only did I take my first drank but I also did my first armed robbery that was interesting I'd love to tell the tough story but I couldn't even point the pistol out shaking so bad I said please give me your money sir I didn't hit puberty yet you know I mean I'm out there trying to rob this guy took my first drink and I didn't have no aha moment. I think when I took that first drink, it was just some older dudes in the neighborhood and I wanted to be cool for them. I didn' t know how it was supposed to feel. My sponsor, he talks about alcohol's little hyper crack cousin but his daddy was a crackhead and he said we'd steal it from him and we'd do it but we didn't know how to be so we'd play video games, we'd be running around and he said the first time he saw his dad cracked out butt cheeks tight looking out the window he was like I was like that every time after right so it's funny man it's like alcohol I didn't even know what I was doing I didn't have no aha moment right I just knew I needed something uh good at chasing stuff so anyways I um man first and foremost I come up with good principles My mama's a sober woman She's been sober a long time I didn't come up with any hangups with God She'd come to my room early on And she'd say She'd say, baby, if you want to pray Go ahead And she said And if you don't That's okay too And you can talk to God Like he's your friend You know My daddy wasn't He's a rough man I'll tell you that But he was He's an amazing guy He's good man All he knew to do Was go to work And I'll get to that On my fourth and fifth step But anyways I got no excuse to have been or be as I am you know there's another lady I was in a meeting in Georgia and it says in doctors opinion it says something about alcoholics drink because they like the way it feels and she said that set me free she said for years I had always attached an excuse to it I had attacked mama had three nipples or or daddy beat me you know till I couldn't walk or whatever it was and she said that took every excuse I've ever had and it brought me to my truth was I drink because I want to and um it helped me a whole lot so anyways I uh I jump off the porch I couldn'T put the pistol up I didn'T know how drinking was supposed to make me feel um but just like a good alcoholic I sought to be better at it by 16 17 I and then coming up in that kind of environment too I will say that man one thing that not having means gave us was a close connection with family I mean way I am towards my mama the way I am towards myself lens it was close it had to be right because we depended on each other to survive and that that's a beautiful thing that helped me when I did get to AA. But anyways, I'm bouncing around. When I was 18 years old I caught my first charge. I was drinking and I'll never forget this day because I just want to tell y'all the truth about who I am. There ain't nothing tough about who I was or how I was. Police come knocking on the doors, about 13 of them. Every charge ever had was aggravated or violent and they kick in my mama's door damn near they come and get me now at the time that's how tough I am I'm a gang member I'm drunk I'm sleeping on a twin bed and some Mickey Mouse sheets at my mama's house eating up all her food I'm tough as nails right a quilt don't even fit you know what I mean and I wake up with a pistol in my face and they take me out and I never forget walking down them stairs and seeing the look of sheer tear on my mother and my brother's face just terrified and both of them got tears streaming down their face and here's the man I was they take me downtown they give me books I called my mom and I said who the hell gonna come get me out not are you okay not I'm sorry that all this has happened but who the hell going to come get me type of man I was too I'd like to say family was everything like I said we grew up with a a close connection. I'd steal out my little brother's piggy bank. I take from my mom, I take her ATM card. One of the one of the most hurtful ones man was my daddy gave her $60 one time so her and my brother could make it through the week and I took 40 of it so I can go drink and that's that's who I was. Um I think everything else I did was to try to put a different mask on to hide me from the true shame of what I'd become. So anyways, I catch that first case. My daddy come and got me and he said, look, if anything happens again this year, one and only time. And you know I mean it. And he did. Six months later, I caught two of the same charges and I didn't get out. Prison was the best thing that ever happened to me at that time. Me and Rafiq was talking about it on the way up here. It's so crazy too. I never, they take me up to 5C. Like I said, all my charges were aggravated. So I didn't notice. I thought I was pretty tough in the neighborhood. But they put you with high point criminals, which is a whole lot tougher than I was, you know. So I remember I get there. I got my bus tub in my hands and I'm shaking like booty meat, you knows. But I'm looking tough because I got to, right? And they start reaching in my stuff there. And I dropped the bus tub and it made a loud sound. They backed up. I was like, all right, good enough, man. I'm okay. I'm going to make it in here. And so the second time I didn't get out, and, man, thank God, in there I did the programs too. I tried to do the programs, and I remember reading this AA book, and the only thing I caught on to was more about alcoholism when it says if you think you're not a drunk, go try some controlled drinking. And I was, like, well, I ain't never had a problem with drinking. it ain't really been drinking i'll be fine so i did my time now cool thing is and why i say i was free in prison is because for the first time in my life i started doing good things for myself i'd make my bed in the morning i'd work out twice a day i'd read books i went got my ged right i mean that mama's fired up about their gd too we had a little party she said stop baby it It was incredible. It was incredibly, you know? I put that on my resume. I don't even care, man. That right there was a proud moment in my life. And I start doing these things and I start feeling better. I got freedom to myself. Man, I don' t hate myself as much, right? I never associate. It's the same thing in treatment. People go to treatment. I remember I sponsored this kid named Brian and he said, Pat, he said I've been to seven of these treatment centers. And he said every time I go, I tell myself the same lie. is that 30 days is going to keep me sober when I get out it's about doing what I did in those 30 days to keep feeding my spirit to stay sober and man he blessed me with that one but anyways I'm feeling better so I get out and I think I was sure I wasn't a drunk and I found out pretty quick drinking is my drug of choice I met my second drug of her name was Brittany aka Lucifer she was interested you know and I at the end of the day I was this last time I was in Nashville this old boy said he's like man it's like a relationship program it's Like Every Step and like getting to that fourth and that fifth and that eight and that nine is like it's repairing relationships which is necessary to stay sober you know because the spiritual life's not a theory we have to live it you know like Sandy the beach said. But anyways, I get out and I try some controlled drinking. It wasn't very controlled. It got pretty rough pretty quick. I want to say about, I stayed out quite a while but towards the end I was stealing TVs off the wall. A week before I got locked up a second time, I'm in the trap house and I drank like a whole handle and I couldn't walk. Alcohol's cousins, the whole nine and I remember I stood up to walk and I stumbled but I had like this crazy sober moment and it was loud as day that was just like man you're gonna die. You doing the same things you always do when you're going to die and uh they scared me enough I hurry up and drank some more. You know passed out. I had a scare about a week later and this was after second time in prison. About a week later, there's a place called the Hope Foundation in Nashville. They've been trying to help my little brother for years. He's been trying to get sober since he was 13. And this lady named Katie, she asked to see me. She said, I need to talk to you about your brother. He needs some help, right? And I'm at the trap. I ain't showering three days. I'm like, yeah, I'll help. I mean, I'm not really going to be a help, but I'll health, you know? So I show up and it ain't to help him, right. it's like you need to go to treatment and she started talking about these different pro she's talking about one in memphis she was like you work you don't get paid but you get to live there for free and you work and i was like ma'am i just got out of prison like i'm not going back you know and she's like all right all right what about she's throwing these ones out and she finally landed on this there's a spiritual retreat and it's all like hey they just basically take you through the steps um and uh and I said now you know what I'm cool I appreciate it but I'm gonna be all right and she said you're trying everything how much money you got in your pocket I smile I'm like I got seven dollars but I'll have a hundred by noon you know and she was like she said okay cool and I've had enough of your time to leave she said well I talked to your brother about you getting sober the other day do you want to know what he said I said no thank you I've had enough time I turned to walk away and she says your little brother laughed in my face and he said my big brother will die before he's anything different and I don't know about y'all but I stayed in this mindset that twist that peculiar twist of I can make it back to where I was I can be alright I can get back to that point where this is fun again right where it works again and in that moment I saw myself as I was I didn't get sober because I wanted to quit drinking I accepted whatever y'all told me to do Because I knew I wouldn't quit drinking I knew i'd die with a bottle in my hand So that broke me and I said I'll do whatever you tell me You tell me to go, I'll go And she did She sent me to this place It's the creepiest place I've ever been in my life I got a little Kroger bag Like a Wegmans down south I got a little Kroger bag packed with my gear, right? Three shirts and some drawers and no cigarettes. And I'm heading out there, and I get there, man, and these dudes running down scared the fire out of me. How you doing, brother? So grateful to see you, man. We're glad you're here. I said, uh-oh, back up. You don't want a hug? No, no, man! I don't need nothing from you. Please don't touch me, man。 They are fired up. God is good! I'm like, what am I doing? Can I get your stuff? Don't touch my bag, man. Don't touched my bag. Please, man I go in there all happy, man They're doing like skipping I've never witnessed anything like it Especially for the past 15 years You know And I'm in there, man I'm just sitting there Like, what in the hell, man And they did what folks in AA do, man They loved me, man Regardless of how it was The first week there And I wanted something different I remember even when I was in prison Every night in prison They go, prayer call And you'll see 300 people in that pod They'll circle up Well, you'll say 100 It's 300 total You'll see 100 of them They'll cycle up And I remember, man I'm that guy That's sitting on the top tier i'm looking down and i'm making fun of them i'm like look at these boys gonna come to prison and find god in my heart i wanted to be in that prayer circle more than anything in the world i just couldn't because of that pride and ego because of whatever that piece of alcoholism that just robs me of my freedom it's built into me man that alcoholism still to this day sober is built into me man it's something inside of me man that wants to steal my freedom it's in between here mainly from what i found man thanks a good sponsorship yeah but uh but anyway so i'm there i'm scared to death these people are happy first week out there i'm shooting ball by myself i did a lot by myself the first week i was an animal all right just to sum it up but i'm not even shooting i'm just throwing the basketball And I look up on the porch, right? There's about 16 of them out there. And I can hear the conversation like, you're going to talk to them? No way. You're talking to them. Like, I'm not doing it, bro. You're doing it. You're newer. You know what I mean? And I ain't no different, right, because I wanted, I needed y'all close. But I was so scared to let you. Seven days into treatment, this story come up, and it's about this little old girl who was in a foreign country, like a third world country, and she got left. She was five years old. Her parents left her at this train station, and, uh, and she had to go to foster care, and I didn't go to foster care. My brother did, and it's, it's a rough place, right? And, uh. This little girl does what you gotta do there. She scraps, she fights to eat and to be, right, and everybody there, their whole dream, what they want, just like me, they just wanna be loved. They want somebody to get them, right. So that's her whole dream is she just wants to be a doctor. She wants to love, but she's an older kid, so she don't get picked. So five years go by, and this little girl's fighting and scrapping. She's scarred up. She's handled her business, right? She's become what she had to to survive, and in my case, that's where I was too. I'm fighting against everything good. I want your hug more than anything in the world, but I can't let you that close. And this guy's telling this story, and he says she's like 9 or 10, and he said she finally gets her wish it's all she's ever wanted and there's an American family to come to adopt her and he's and the man walks in and there it is that's her heaven and he kneels down and he says uh he says I'd like to be your dad can I be your Dad I'd Like To Adopt You she's finally getting her wish and all she could do was hock a loogie right in his face he told this story that day and I couldn't cry in front of everybody else but I went to my room and I started crying because man I needed that so bad I saw full of aggression but it wasn't aggression man it was fear you know um and God bless the dudes in AA I find this after the fact but just an example of what it means to me not just because my brother's sober not because my mama's sober but um the guy my roommate there is a is a chiropractor from the suburbs of South Memphis named Dan Cameron and uh before I got there they had to go talk to him and they said Mr. Cameron uh this man come to treatment here uh he is a known gang member he's an aggressive criminal he just got out of prison and he we gotta put we're gonna put him in your room if you're okay with it and they say you okay with it? And this man who ain't never met somebody like me he said does he want to get sober he said hell yeah he'll be my roommate and that man was so good to me man when i tell you goodness man he would he said you need cigarettes he didn't even smoke he'd give me cigarettes he just took care of me man uh other people did too his man named andy back home uh he's the director uh this non-profit that they do the aia thing too well it's treating but they just they put a in front of people but uh when i was at my worst when my brother was trying to get sober and i forgot all about my best friend cecil is about six six and and three men wide he's just he's massive and he looks like a criminal and uh we went to see my brother pick up a chip at one point and we're in this and we are not approachable people on purpose and uh this man Andy come across this parking lot strange little man and he says hey but he said I heard you need you might need some help I sponsor you if you'd let me to bypass like what's human in us right as far as caution to approach somebody that might be in need that is very unapproachable to me just man that speaks volumes about the love that's here so I'm out here I'm in this place they're doing yeah about week and a half in I'm loving it all right I'm like man this is neat inside on the outside I'm lucky yes I just go I might go to group if they have it but I don't know I might sleep too I'm excited something big group I love this they uh you know they're bringing speakers they're doing the whole night and they have guys like NIA to come out to volunteer and they open the book which they start right there in the doctor's opinion every one of them before they leave they tell you this ain't gonna keep you sober you get your sponsor you do the same thing when you leave you understand thanks brother but anyways I get this third set we're doing this right we in how it works are about to be and uh they're they're telling me about this group good god almighty man they're saying brother you're not going to believe it there's a unicorn that comes out it spits out a rainbow that picks you all up and carries you up the hill to god's grace and i'm like for real man like a unicorn and like inside of like it's gonna be the best day of my life i've been waiting on this forever right now on the outside i'm just like yeah it might be cool i don't know if i ain't ate lunch i ain'T coming you know i just whatever it was right because i was tough but inside i'm like man i've been waiting on this so i get to this group man and expectations are crazy right especially for the alcoholic because i'm so i'm always comparing i walk in the room your situation is different than mine at 60 days and i think i'm doing something wrong right this expectation of it's gonna be like this right not go into this group it is the worst group I have ever been a part of that Ben Stein's running it you know well if you turn to page 63 he didn't even tell us the top was the promises right he don't even pray with us at least we're going to pray and he's like we're not going to prayer today you can by yourself if you want to right I'm sitting there I'm mad there is no unicorn I might go back to prison for fighting ben stein right because this expectation i'm in a real weird spot and uh and i did years there's a wonderful dude i met in prison named ken he was a he was the imam which is uh similar to like the pastor right in islam and uh me and ken were talking one day that was my guy and he uh i'm arguing with him about something i don't know about which is what i love to do and uh he's laughing he's like hey you're so crazy man he said you really want to learn something pat i said yeah man that's what i'm talking to you slammed the quran shut he threw it across the table hit me in my chest he said you ever gonna learn something you need to look yourself and that super sick thing i was like i knew you didn't know kid you know but anyways fast forward this date i'm sitting in this group my expectation has plummeted right my unicorn did not arrive and i uh i'm сидding there and i got the book open i'm just like man i knew this wasn't real and i did what ken said i kept reading and right under that prayer it says it's good to meet god with a spiritual advisor a wife best friend but it is better to meet god alone than with one who might misunderstand and so i look at this okay there's something there i go up on this hill and i'm 26 at the time this first time i'm seeing cows in my life we're talking about that i ain't never seen a cow before they're cold it's like this is green this big tree on top of this hill it's all this grain the cows over there on that side and uh and i go up there and i read that little passage again and i just i just said like an honest an honest prayer i think i'd prayed before but i've done it more and like it's not like i'm like uh like when you talk to a girl the first time and like you tell her the good stuff or like you present your best like yeah you know I've worked a solid job for six months you know it's not a big deal you know not that you've been fired for seven more previous right that's how to talk to God right I just be like hey man you know i'm trying and um but I just said I don't remember what exactly what it was but it was just like look man I don'T KNOW IF YOU'RE REAL AND I DON'T KNOW if you want anything to do with a man like me that's done the things I've done but I'M SO TIRED OF HURTING MY MAMA MAN i'm tired of hating myself i'm tired of living like this and i don't know if you can't help me but if you cant please help me and uh sadly enough the unicorn did not pick me up off the hill you know gandhi didn't come in there and be like i have bread and rice for you you know jesus didn't come down but i get up and i start walking down this hill and uh i'll never forget it man it was the first time ever i can remember my brain wasn't running 10,000 miles an hour that uh that guilt that heavy shame that guilt that we just pack on us right it wasn't there for the first time my whole life i was okay um just like bill's story says right this this spiritual experience would soon be blotted out by worldly clamors right because that's there's a difference between spiritual and experience and spiritual awakening i truly believe that that's why we stick around that's why we stay um but anyways i have that beautiful moment and then uh get into the fourth step oh we had on time till i'm talking for hours um so we get into this fourth step man and i'm afraid i'm terrified uh and and i remember the man asked me you know what's wrong with it now in my belief and what i truly believe to my heart at that moment was that's what kept me alive on the streets that's what gave me that extra edge right was that hate in my heart that that that fury and uh and i didn't i didn'T know if i wanted to let it go you know um i had a good sponsor man my my prayer life uh it's funny me and feet was talking about on wells like we got to pray bro he's like ah i'll do it but i don't want to right and i remember telling my sponsor So I was like, he said, we're going to read 85 through 88 every morning. And where it says we ask God, you just ask God. I said, no, no. I don't pray so much. He goes, I don'T remember asking you if you prayed or not. We're going read 89 through 80. I love that, man. But anyways, four steps, same thing. He said, just do it. So I'm working through this deal. And I remember even sitting there. I'd start writing and I'd get so crazy, man, they'd be like, hey, you okay? Yeah, I'm cool. You cool? They'd be like, go, breathe, man. Like, yeah, let's calm down. I got through that one with my sponsor, though. Man, sponsorship is the most beautiful thing ever. And my sponsor – thank God that was my sponsor at the time because he did what a good sponsor does and he got to know me. He got to knows his man, right? So we get to the fourth. and he says uh when i was five uh my brother's daddy he got my mom pregnant found out she was pregnant he stole all her jewelry and he left in the middle of the night and uh ever since i was about 10 i was gonna kill that man uh by 13 14 i was able um i'd held on to that now i had been free of like the aggression or the anger it was it's just instilled in me i'm gonna kill this man and uh my sponsor knew me knew my brother and uh we get to that fourth step and i ain't got him on the list because my sponsor told me he said you resentment is something you refill and so he asked me he says is his daddy on there and i said no hell no and uh is hell okay my bad i'm doing my best man i promise uh so i said nah man he ain't on there they said well he started laughing he said why pat i said because i ainít mad at him i don't feel nothing i said i'm gonna kill him and you know he started laughing and he said uh he said he does what sponsor does right you know it's like he said pat you're gonna risk your life for 51 years was his life in tennessee and he sent for for revenge i said no sponsor i said i don't think you understand i said when it's time i said I won't get caught and he he got quiet he's like oh this dude serious you know and uh he says something to change the course of my life for sure he said that's okay he said I understand that and I'll never tell you what to do because anything you feel like you got to do he said there's your prerogative he said but I want to ask you a question you ain't got to answer that question to me you got answer this question yourself he said was that man a drunk I said yes sir he said i wonder what your life what your mother's life or your brother's life would have been like if he would have stayed he said son maybe that was God doing for y'all what you couldn't do for yourself the whole time man for 20 odd years i was gonna kill this man you couldn't tell me no different it was what it was you affect my family i'm coming at you i'm gonna take you i're gonna take your head off and uh he changed my life with that man it it redirected my attention to something else other what could be that's also what a good sponsor does so he said I want you to get free from this and I said man uh I said I'll try I said i gotta ask my mama he said pat you don't need your mom so I'm gonna ask my mom man right now on this list too that's another thing he did he challenged me right I didn't have her on there and he said he goes pat why ain't she on there he said nobody that stays in our life that long has not hurt us at some point. Put her on there. I said, I don't think I can. He said, just think about it. So I ended up putting her on it. She was dating this old boy named Topper at the time. Please don't judge my mama. Some of y'all judge her because of the name. That's alright. That's Alright. She's sober now. Anyways, so she's dating this dude Topper. I knock over the spice rack and he came out there whipped on me and she didn't do nothing. I remember telling her, I said I hate you, you know, in a terrible neighborhood in West Nashville. I'm walking by myself with a little Barney bag. I'm eight at the time. She pulls up hollering at me, you knows, scoops me up, whips my behind. And I held on to it. So I write that down, right? He gives me the freedom. He says, you Know, God doing for you what you couldn't do for yourself. And I'm lit up. So I got to start praying for this man because it's a part of the work. I called my brother and I said, Bro, is it okay? If I pray for this man so I can get free. He says, absolutely, man. I do. I had to, too. I said, all right, cool, man, so I'm scared to death. I called my mama. I said mine is it cool if I if I pray for this, maybe it hurts you and she, you know, in tears, those southern ladies say, oh, yes, baby, that's all I want for you and blah, blah, blah. And she says, she says. Hey, and why are we talking? She said, I want to I want to talk to you about something. She said you were 8 years old She said we were living on Morrow Road And she said you broke that spice rack And she says that man beat you And I didn't do nothing She said I'm so sorry She said me and your brother Didn't have nowhere to go I couldn't leave Because I had to shelter your brother And if I could change it today I'd stay on the streets If I had too and uh i says all right mama i love you you know and this is pre-anything um oof man there's so much freedom in this work man y'all ain't done the steps man whoo so i get free from that man and the freedom is in that peculiar twist of mind or how i see things as they pertain to me and how they hurt me it shifted again get to my daddy my daddy was a hard man like i said my dad my sister was a good kid my old sponsor steve i used to always say it'd be like well it's hard to be a good kit pat and i'm like what do you mean he'd be like what you got to be good that's difficult you know i mean it's just such a good point to make and uh she was a great kid right so it always looked like she she received more love you know and she did in a lot of cases and i understand why but uh i held this against him right the man didn't talk to me for a year and probably there was there was a lot of pain there and uh so i had my daddy on the list and uhso i'm going through the prayer portion and i'm starting to get the prayer portion man and prayer like a band-aid for me it i got this open wound you cut me wide open right and i'M bleeding out in the floor i gotta do something about the wound i just gotta stop the bleeding right so prayer for me is that i'm sticking a bandaid on this wound to stop the bleeding it doesn't heal the wound that takes time you got to peel it off you got to clean it you got put another one on like this take this a process to get to the healing part right so that prayer what is doing in this four step is kind of like it's opening me up to like questions that weren't available before because I knew too good or well and so I get to this point I'm praying for my daddy like the like my sponsor told me to And I had this thought, I don't know, it wasn't for me. And it was just like, man, I know he wasn't there. He wasn't available for me and my brother. And it looked like he loved my sister more, but I wonder if he was like available for her, emotionally, right? And so I called my mama. Every good man, you know, I call the sponsor sometimes, but I call old mama. And I said, my question, I know dad wasn't emotionally available for Meek or Heath, but what about sis? and she started laughing at me and she said no baby she said do you remember your granddaddy I said no not really and she says I'll tell you this right now he's the most evil man I ever knew said he beat on them boys he talked down to them he's just terrible to your father and his brothers when my granddad was passing away he's laying in his bed he called my dad and his three brothers in and he said you're going to get this you're gonna get this you're gone get this and you're gon' get this now get the f*** outta here And don't you come back You let me die the way I want to Never got I love you Never got nothing And she tells me that And she says I think your daddy did a lot better than he did I think he told you he loved you as much as he could Didn't he And it hit me strong That fifth column just lit me up Because I've hated this man for all these years Because he didn't love me the way I thought I should be loved man at least that prayer that power man is something beautiful man um so i'm getting freed up and and learning how to be a civilized human being which i still ain't there yet but i was working on it oh man hey man talking the collared shirt it tripped me out man i this is uh this is beautiful thank you because i don't get to do this much uh i should have wore the whole deal but man I'd be so I'd pass out but anyways so the college show when I got sober like I said I got that little Kroger bag with you know three t-shirts and some drawers and pants I was wearing and they're so good man this old boy Larkin he pulls up outside meeting and I said Pat he's like hey come here I walk over there I'm like what's up he pops a trunk it's a big old trash bag full of clothes and he says man you got to do me a favor I can't show up at the house with these again man my wife's been telling me get rid of these for days he said there's pretty good stuff in there too if you want to wear them you ain't got to if you don't would you take him for me he knew I was I was so fragile if he would have showed up like you need some clothes but you stained like them pants been on four days he was so fragile with where i was like he actually noticed me as a human being and like the circumstance of my life at that time and he was good to me man please take these off my hands you know um some people are aware in these rooms some people ain't that's a beautiful thing um anyways so get on to the that fourth step set me free fifth step was awesome uh get into six and seven and I'm still there every single day. I think if, it's funny to me like the more sober I get when I was new, my defects and those things or the shortcomings, it's like a tall T in a pistol showing. Like it's easy to spot. You're like oh that's sick, right? I can see them within myself a lot easier but today knowing a few passages out of that book, right, like helping other people, my defects were a tuxedo man. they're real hard to spot, you know what I mean? So it takes like a more concerned effort every day to say where am I falling short and how can I be better. And for me that's necessary. Back then it wasn't as hard, like I said, but I get to eight and nine, I got a couple of good ones there. One of the best ones is the only time I heard my father cry and his cry was so crazy. was like bound with so much pain that it like it I couldn't be emotional because I was like oh my god like I was scared it was the wildest thing man God rest his soul he ain't here to be mad at me for sharing it but I mean I like I make this my sponsor template right you gonna say it just like this and we ain't sorry Pat cuz if you're sorry you're still owning the power you tell them you were wrong so you give them the power go in there and I do the whole deal he said it was the craziest like a braveheart war cry and I was like a dad are we alright man but it's a beautiful moment with my father right bless man I got to be there for that man the last five years his life man I've got to know that man I got to hear his stories I got the hold his hand in his deathbed got to actually be available and be a son. I got to actually repair some of the things in ways I harmed them but anyways one of the most powerful amends I had, I met my daddy's what's it called retirement party and uh he don't like most of folks he where he was a cranky son of a gun man but he just said he's like we can we get coffee I said yeah let me go pop I'll be back so I go to get coffee and uh there's a guy named Joey I went to school with and uh and I was terrible to Joey we'd beef on the bus I beat him up in front of his daddy I mean it was a terrible thing and uh for no reason too he's a friend in the past I'm walking down in uh West End area by Vanderbilt in Tennessee in Nashville and uh and this dude big old boy look like David Banner passes me and he looking at me and I'm sober but still got it right so I mean I look at him back I'm like what's up man and he goes uh Pat and I go oh Joey bro I'm so glad I saw you here man I'm on my ninth step I'm about two and a half years old that ninth step is we make amends where we've harmed anybody unless to do so would injure them or others and man I was so terrible to you man we were friends at one point man and I I took advantage of that man and i hurt you and i did some things i ain't proud of and none of that was on you man i was wrong and i want to make it right this big old boy we in the middle of i mean it's 50 people walking they drop a tear he's like man it's cool man right there give me a big hug and like there's this thing and uh i walk away from it and it took me 11 years sober to not hate myself tell y'all that right some of this is a journey right but that day in particular I remember walking away and I'm like this piece of nothing this man who's done all these terrible things just brought the love of goodness in somebody else's heart in that moment I had some freedom from that hate to myself man it was it was beautiful um the the other men's I uh there was some statue of limitations becomes an issue on some we're doing that so my sponsor run me through the list and and and there was one he says we ain't doing it 12 years statue of limitation you can do it later right and i come off the road i was pipelining for a living at the time i come out the road and he says uh and i'm crazy but i don't know it right self can't recognize self right and uh and he's like now let's do this one i'm like no we got like seven more years man we ain't doing this one right so he'slike nah nah he said i think it says we're willing to go to any lengths pat here's the prayer i want you to apply and here's what i want you to go through and i'mlike man what we pull i got my brother parked outside with the truck facing forward right and i walk into this place and man i'm shook to death man i see the cameras I know where all of them are. And I'm just like, man, why do I do this? Man, this isn't it. And I pray and I get to the front and I do the whole deal, right? I'm on my night step. And the lady says, what? Hold on, let me call somebody. I'm like, oh man, I knew this. This is like an armed robbery. I'm scared to death, man. I'm sweating more than I am now for sure. And they call somebody and somebody comes from the back And I'm like, I'll probably look voice wildly and I make the amends and he goes, but look, I don't know what you're talking about. Hold on just a second. Let me call the head of security. I knew this was going to happen, right? I knew I was going in jail. I shouldn't have listened to that man. So he come out and I do the whole deal and he says, how much was it? I tell him, I said, man, I got it right here, man. If I can pay it back. He says, no, man just don't steal no damn more. Get out of here. Oh my God. I'm crying on the way out. Just, you know, as a win and freedom, you knows like both. But now it's just beautiful. I made one recently, man I got pulled over in Eagle View, and it was just one of them days, man. He'd come up, man, I talked God awful to him. I still got that issue. I, like, mocked him at one point. I was like, yeah, sure. And it was a terrible deal. But anyway, and I'm praying about this. There's a lady in the neighborhood, her husband's a detective, and I'M like, hey, can you give me this guy's, like number or contact anyway? He's like, Pat, I mean, I wouldn't go down there to the station to ask him. And I was like, all right, you're right. So I pull up to the gym one day and I park and I'm finna walk in. I look down and there's four police cars pulling into Rita's and they all park. This guy's a bald-headed guy, right? And I'm like, I stop and I look and there'S two bald-head guys that walk into this building. I'm not today. This ain't the time, right. But in my head, I'm going to be another time. I'm like hi man might as well so I go in here excuse officers excuse me and then I go it's one of y'all and I do the nice step thing just like I was taught right and I and I say man like I I had no right to treat you that way and the way you handled yourself man I respect and admire because I don't think I'd have been able to do the same and I got no excuse for my behavior and blah blah blah and so I get done and in the one guy goes wait a second white Chevy I say yes sir yes sir officer you know and he's like hey man I really appreciate that not sick hands right the the most important thing to me and what I continue to learn is is like even the small things I got up like I have to be like thorough honest and fearless and trying to take care of my business in that way right my kids deserve that my wife deserves that so best thing I ever heard this God's will is a funny thing and I guess one thing confused me the most I'd be in here and they just don't God's well brother what what does that mean I don't even know what I'm supposed to do tonight you know and then they'd always say it's same every meeting right god's will brother you just do that there's a lady named donna h uh she give a good talk she's awesome uh married to a dude named montana bob but she she had this workshop where she's telling the story and she said uh she said the alcoholic goes to god and he says uh he said god i can't live like this no more and i can'T do it i'm dying inside and i just want to change and i'll do anything i'll give you anything so god said all right cool what you got you know he said i ain't got much he says how much money you got he said I got 40 dollars gone God says all right give me that 40 now you know how we are when we get here right we're ready I'm dying inside but he asked for that 40 and he says let me give you 20 because I'm gonna need 20 for gas God what you think right so God started laughing he said hold up well you got a car he saidI want that car too give me their 40 and that car so now this old boy's losing what he deems worthwhile and he says you can't god if you take my money you take my car like how am i going to get to work god smiles again he said you got a job i want that too so now he's losing everything he's freaking out he's like god you can you can take my job you can take my car you can' t take my mone because how am I going to pay my rent and god smiled again he says well you got house he said i want that house too So now this man's defeated and lost it all, just like we do when we get here. And God says, it hurts, don't it? He says, yes, sir. He says well here's how much I love you. I'll let you keep all of that. And I might even give you some more. The minute you start to treat them things like they're mine and not yours. And man, I don't know if it's the southern part of me or what. But it's a story that like helps me see it. And I don' t know what God's will is for me in profession. I've been super blessed in that I got my GED from prison I own and operate a business crazy crazy blessed I met a man in the rooms got me started in it he's up sharing I was like how you get into that pipeline stuff he's like I'll tell you but nobody does it sure enough I did it but when it come to God's will for me it's not so much about what I need to do but it's more so about who I need to be and in that I don't know if he wants me to be a firefighter or a corrosion specialist or what it is but I do know he wants me to kind, he wants me to patient, he wants me show up when I don' want to for the right thing you know I know he want's me to admit when I'm wrong and be willing to make amends where necessary you know especially with my wife These are the things. And so God's will to me today, and man, I think when you, what's it say? There's that line in We Agnostics where it's talking about like the beauty of the forest, right? And it's all ruined by seeing, noticing these two ugly trees. And I think that's how it is for me is because of one bad experience with God or praying for the Lamborghini and it don't come and like that's wrong. and I think that's wrong like it's not the ugly trees it's the beauty of the forest right it's right there for our having I called my sponsor the other day and I was struggling I said man boss I I'm about to freak out and I Was like but I need you I need your help to get back on track he said what do you need me for I said uh is what we do I don't know what you mean and he says he says I think that's how every man and woman fool themselves is we think that that love and that grace doesn't exist for us right now in this moment because it does pat right here he said i can help guide you just like i'm helped guided by by other men and you sometimes too he goes but for you to say that it doesn't exists for you right now that you're crazy you lying to yourself and i love that because it's always right there if i'm willing to surrender to it I got two minutes here I'm gonna sing a song I'm joking I'm from Nashville we don't we don't sing there right people come to Nashville to sing we don' t sing but now man I'm so fortunate like I said man my brother's sober and I'm grateful for AA and everybody in it as a result of my brother sobriety my mama sobriety um my life's real beautiful but man one of the coolest things is um to be a father and to be able to pull my son after i yell or something like that to pull him in close and say buddy that i shouldn't have done that nobody deserved to be yelled at and i want you to know i love you uh there was this one time man as a kid uh i was always on my own i was left to figure it out and uh and i didn't want nobody's hands right one thing about prison like is is it teaches you to stand on your own feet right there's a beauty to that it teaches you gonna have to be self-sufficient to a certain degree right but it also teaches you you don't need nobody else and i remember we're outside one day and uh there's this little girl in the neighborhood named audrey or aubry something like that and and uh my boy's sitting there and there's a group of like six kids and she's standing right there he tell he's scared and she's like you okay louie he's like yeah she's saying do you want to go play and he's like no and she reached out that little hand and she said come on i'll take you and he took her hand and i'm standing there watching i got tears streaming down my face because my boy can know that as a result of this room as a results of these steps and as a result of y'all people the best thing in town and i thank you all so much for letting me share let's have another round of applause for south philly power my name is Nick I'm an alcoholic thanks everybody for being here thank you for that powerful message of hope and recovery beautiful stuff just reminded the food and fellowship always starts at 8 o'clock you can always come early we're always good for new home group members plenty of service positions available let's thank mrs. K for all our dedicated work in the kitchen its customer has to form a line our speakers come here at their own time and expense so we'll do that here in the front former line and thank them and we keep some out cleaning up all the chairs go on that rat back there some go around the tables I would assume and if you care to join us we have a beautiful way closing and we do circle up hold form a circle Let us call our Lord's Prayer. Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. It is not the temptation, but the mercy of God, the light of His kingdom, the power and the glory forever. Amen. Yeah! Bring it down, look. Thank you. I love that. Make the heat.