Sponsorship Without the Macho Act – Frank J.

My name is Frank Jones and I'm an alcoholic, and it's good to be here at the Cornhusker Roundup. And I would like to thank the committee for asking me to come and participate at your roundup. I love the enthusiasm, I love Alcoholics Anonymous, and I love what it has done in my life. And what I can say is, if Alcoholics Anonymous didn't work and these 12 steps and the way things are going in my life, I wouldn't be here today. Because I'm a comfort creature, I like to be comfortable and I like to feel good. And since I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous and I've started working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I got a sponsor, my life has changed and it's comfortable a lot today. I can also tell you that I am not a member of ACA. I'm not codependent. I don't come from a dysfunctional family. I don' t go to anything but Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. I'm a drunk, and I drank badly. And when I didn't drink, I acted badly. when I acted badly, I had to drink. And then when I drank, I acted badly. It was just a vicious circle. And I have no reason to be an alcoholic. I have not reason at all. Look at me. I don't even look like an alcoholic. I don t look like you folks. When I was growing up in Danville, Illinois, and I visualized and thought about what alcoholics looked like, I thought about the people here at the Cornhusker Roundup. But I come from a very loving family. My mother and father were fabulous parents. My father worked the same job for over 40 years. Him and my mother have been married for over 50. I don't understand those two things, long-term job and long-term marriage. I have two brothers. They're both sober and alcoholics Anonymous. One of them has five years. The other one has about eight and a half years. I was fortunate enough to be at Alcoholics Anonymous when they got here, and I'm glad that I was. I had an absolutely ideal childhood, and looking back on it, if I could have written out a script for my childhood and how it was, I couldn't have written down a better script. I had everything going for me. I Had a Father That Worked and a Mother That Was Home. I played Little League baseball, I played football. Basketball, I run track because I was blessed with an amount of athletic ability and I love to play sports. And I didn't think I grew up with any problems. And when I got sober, I looked back and I seen that I did have some problems, but they were self-made because I'm the problem. You see, when I grewup, I grew up and there's a little girl next door and her and I started playing doctor at the age of six or seven. And we started comparing the differences between her and I like the differences. Alcoholics Anonymous hasn't changed that. I still like the difference. But what happened was, I grew up in a good home and I knew right from wrong and I know about the Ten Commandments and I do the things that her and I were doing were wrong. But you know, I didn't care. It felt good so I kept doing it and I stuffed the guilt. And I grew also during the era of John Wayne and Wild Bill Hickok and Lash LaRue and all these macho guys. And you know when I was growing up all I wanted to do was fit in with you guys. And I just wanted to be a part of that clique. I just want to be apart of that crowd and fit in with you, as you've heard other people say up here. And I wanted to fit in, and I never felt I'd fit in. You know, growing up, I felt like I was better than them, or I felt I was less than them. I never even felt even with them. And I don't know where that comes from. You know growing up also, I had a problem with perfectionism. And I know you can't tell that, but I had a problem of perfectionism, you know, I could walk around, and I do it today and I try not to. My wife tried to help cure me of that. I can spot dust and lint on the carpet at 50 feet. And I walk around and I pick up these little fuzz balls and say, how come all this stuff is on the floor? And she tells me, why are you always looking down? I can't answer those questions. So I quit looking down. I started walking around the house looking up, seeing the cobwebs in the corner. But you know, this perfectionism got me in a lot of trouble. And when you're playing doctor with a little girl next door and you're trying to be macho and tough, you ain't got anything to offer her at the age I was when I started doing that. So I started ironing my underwear and I started Ironing the sheets that I slept on. So did those kinds of things growing up that were never forced on me. And like I said, I grew up and I wanted to be a part of the crowd. And I grew up when the macho guys were on the silver screen, but you know, I was frightened growing up. I was afraid of you guys. I wanted to fit in with you, but I didn't want you to get too close to me because I had some secrets. You see, growing up I was a liar and a cheat and a thief. My parents never taught me to steal. The people that I was hanging out with didn't teach me to steal. They didn't take me to lie and cheat but I did those things and I didn't want you to find out about them because I wanted you to like me. And so I would continue to do those things, and I'd stuff those feelings down inside me and when you got too close to me I'd push you away and what happened was is I became a fighter. And I mean look at me. I'm trying to be macho and I look like Mr. Peepers, for Christ's sakes. Mr. Peeper isn't macho, but I got in these fights, you know, and I didn't want to hurt you, and I didn' t want you to hurt me. And I started hanging out when I left basketball practice or football practice. I'd go down on Main Street in Danville, and down there in Danville down on main street is where all the guys hung out that I wanted to be like because they looked cool. These guys had on black leather jackets. These guys had ducktail haircuts. These guys had long sideburns. They wore engineer boots and they wore Levi's. And I liked that. I wanted to hang out with them, but they scared me. And when they scared me, I'd have to fight to get them away from me because I didn't want them to find out about me. You see, also, I was afraid of the dark, and I couldn't tell anybody that when I was growing up. I was ashamed of that. And so when they'd get close to me, I'd having to keep them away and I'd had to fight them. And I'm too light to fight and too thin to win, for Christ's sakes. So I developed a technique of ambush. And I started hitting people with cricks and clubs and sticks to keep them away for me to win the fight. And then I'd go home at night and I'd think about the guy I hit in the face with a brick, and I felt bad for him. Now, I can't be macho and feel bad for somebody. I'd have to suck it up and act tough. And I had those feelings of guilt and remorse. And I had to push those feelings or remorse and guilt down inside me because I didn't want to face those things and I couldn't handle those emotions. And that's how I grew up with all those feelings and emotions that I couldn�t deal with. And I never stopped and thought about it and think, �Hey, Jones, you know what? In 1989, you'll be in Nebraska speaking, you better remember this stuff. I didn't take notes on it. What I did was I just kept living that way. And, you know, I continued to fight. And when you grow up, the bigger you get, the fights get worse. And I started getting into some trouble. And I'd go play ball and stuff, and I'd still fight and get carried away. And I wasn't even drinking yet. And you know I was at a party one day back there in Danville, and it was a hot summer night back there. It was about 110, and it was humid. And I was with my girlfriend, and she brought me over a big 16-ounce tea glass full of Slow gin and seven up. And she handed that to me, and I hadn't drank. I didn't know what that stuff was. And I took a sip of it, and it tasted like strawberry Kool-Aid. And so I chug-a-lugged that glass down. That was no big deal. And, I've got to tell you, nothing happened. You know, it didn't get down into my stomach. I didn't all warm and fuzzy. That didn't happen. I didn't sit six feet four and weigh 220 pounds. What happened was I did what I was going to do for a long time after that. I bossed her around. And I told her, go get me another one, and she did. And, you know, she brought me another 16-ounce teak glass full of slow gin and 7-Up. And, You know, I drank that down. And, I didn't cross some invisible line after that second glass. I didn' t put on a trench coat and get a bottle of wine and put it in a paper bag and go hang out on skid row. That didn' d happen to me. You know nothing happened. I didn'' t think it was a big deal. You know I drank about a gallon of that stuff in 30 minutes. Nothing happened. I just didn' T think it Was important and I didn '' t think about it. and I can tell you this about 35-40 minutes after that last glass I found out where Slow Jim got his name I got drunk as hell yeah, went into a blackout didn't know that what happened was I got very sick and I got taken home by some of my partners some of the guys I wanted to fit in with they took me home and they dropped me off and you know the next morning when I come too I was vomiting and my stomach was upset and I had a headache and it was throbbing and beating and I just I was sicker than a dog and I didn't know what in the hell done it. And my mom and dad was yelling at me and I was in a lot of trouble. You see, I wasn't raised to be that way or do those things because I knew about the Ten Commandments and God. I've been raised in a good home. And I was a jock. I was playing ball. For Christ's sakes, I won nine letters in high school. But I was sicker than a dog and they were yelling and screaming at me. And you know, I missed three days of school because I had a hangover. And I didn' t know that. And you now, I went back to school after missing three days and I got with my buddies. And they told me what I'd done that night and I d' n't remember any of it. They told me that I was out there dancing. And I don't dance. I think dancing is a waste of motion. I'm usually playing doctor somewhere. I don' t dance. I don''t dance in AA. I think it's a waste o f motion. Well, I dance with my wife. But, you know, they told me that this guy come up to me and he left off and they said I punched him in the face and he went through the screen door. And, you now, all these things. You know, I couldn' t remember any of them. And I didn' t know until I got here with you what a blackout is. You know? I don´t know if any of you people had those things. I don't know how you drank. I just know that I found out what a blackout was here with you, that Frank Jones could consume amounts of alcohol. And when I did that, I would continue to function and do the things I was doing, but the next morning when I woke up, I couldn't remember them. Any of you have had that happen to you? It sure happened to me. I couldn'T remember that night, and I didn'T know then what I know now that that's a sign that I may have a problem drinking. You know, I didn't know that, andI didn'T even think about it anymore. It did teach me one thing, though, and l'll tell you that. From that day, that summer day in Danville, Illinois, to the day I stand here before you tonight, right now, I have never, ever drank 7-Up again. I don't drink it. That stuff makes me crazy. I can't remember the night before. I'm sick. I throw up the next day, so I just don't drank 7 Up. That was the answer. I was denying that from the word go. Alcoholism is a disease of denial and I was denied it. I thought 7 Up caused all that. I say seven up today and it kind of makes my stomach turn but you know I didn't turn into a blazing alcoholic then and I didn' t go out and get the shakes and have to have a drink after that I had some beers with the football team and I kept fighting and everything and I keep doing the things I was doing I kept the lying and cheating and stealing and all these feelings and emotions I stuffed down because I was ashamed and you know finally all my buddies and everything and my girlfriend they were talking about going to college and they were talkin' about what they were gonna major in and what they were going to do when they grow up. And, you know, I didn't know what I was going to be doing. They were talking about what vocation they were going into, and, you Know, I was too ashamed to tell them that I didn' t know what the word vocation meant. I was ashamed of that. You see, I wasn' t interested in learning anything in high school. I thought I had all the answers. I was a know-it-all. You know, I thought I knew everything, and I was interested in being cool and being slick and running with the girls and playing sports. So I didn''t know what vocational was. And, You know I had a couple of scholarship offers to go play ball and that scared me because I had a lot of fear, and I couldn't tell anybody that. I was still fighting and getting in trouble. And what happened was, if you're macho and tough like I am, and you're afraid and you don't know what you're going to be when you grow up, I did what macho, tough guys do at the age of 17, and two weeks before graduation, I quit high school. And my parents went crazy. And I went home, and then I went down, and I did whatever macho guys do. You see, I've got to be macho or tough. I don't want you to think I'm a wimp and a wuss, because I don' t ever want to be that. I want to be tough, so I did what tough guys do. I went down and joined the Marine Corps. And that's macho and tough. See, wimps and wussies don't join the Marine Corp. And I didn't think my dad had signed the papers for me. And when I got home, he signed those papers so quick it made my head swim. I found myself on a train going up to Chicago, and I'm sitting next to the guy that I wantto be like. This guy's got a greasy ducktail haircut. He's got long sideburns. He'sgot that leather jacket on. He's gone on engineer boots. And this guy looks cool. And I wanttobelike him. I want to feel inside the way this guy looks. God, I want a feel of that. And he's drinking his stuff out of a little brown bottle and he pokes me and he says, Hey man, you want a hit off of this? And I tell him, sure. And I take two or three big mouthfuls of that and I swallow it down. Now, I don't know what you did when you were 17 years old when you chugged a lug of whiskey. I'll tell you what I did. I threw that crap right back up. And I'm sitting there and my eyes are watering. I got snot running out of my nose and I don' t look macho. You cannot look machos with snot coming out of your nose and tears coming out your eyes And I've got to tell you how bad I wanted to fit in with this guy. I wiped off my face, handed him that bottle back, and I said, boy, that was good. You see, I wanted him to like me. I wanted her to fit it in with him. I don't know if you ever wanted to sit in, but God, I want her to sit it in. I wanted you to sit with him with him." He said, "'You want another drink?' I said,"'No, not right now. I'm not a fool until later.'" And what happened was I got sworn in in Chicago, and I got drunk there at the hotel, and then I flew out here to California. And I ended up at Marine Corps Recruit Depot San Diego, and I'm sitting on that bus and I'm cool and I am macho. And I got on my leather jacket and my white crew neck and my flat top and I m a big deal you see. And this guy gets on the bus and he's got on a funny round hat and he s got a shaved head. And you know, I don't know how he picked me out of all those guys. I m macho, you understand. I m not a wimp like some of those guys I was with, but he picked out and he snatched me up by my jacket and he threw me off that bus onto some yellow footprints and he started calling me some dirty names and cussing at me. Names and cussy words that you people here in AA don't even use. And I felt inadequate and like a wimp, and I had to suck those feelings up and I just stick that chin out and I have to act tough and I've got macho. And you know I was frightened and I was scared and I'm full of fear and I couldn't tell nobody that. I can't tell these guys. These guys are all older than me. These guy are all 19 and 20 year old and I admired them. And now I want to be like those guys so I sucked it up and acted tough. You know, I got through boot camp and in October of 1962, I found myself on a ship leaving from Camp Pendleton and we were headed down through the Panama Canal. And I'm going to go kill Cubans. Now that's macho. I like that. You Know, I've seen John Wayne on the sands of Iwo Jima and I'm on that ship going through the Panamaw Canal and I am scared because I'm going into combat, you understand? That's what I think. And, I can't tell these Marines I'm going into the combat with how frightened I am. How can I tell them that? So, I'm sitting there on my rack, sharpened my bayonet. That's macho. And I'm full of fear and I'm frightened. And I'm ashamed of those feelings and I push those feelings down inside me. But some of my friends go break into the narcotics locker on that ship and they bring me down a little morphine syrette. And i took the plastic cap off that morphine syret and I stuck that needle in my leg and I squeezed that juice out and the fear went away. And then I went up on the deck of the ship that night and I laid out there all night looking at the stars. And I wasn't afraid no more. And if you'd have walked up to me that night on that ship and said, Hey, Jones, you know why you're not afraid anymore? I'd have said, Yeah, I know why. I know Why. Because I grew up all of a sudden and I matured. That's why. And if You don't get out of my face, I'm going to break Yours. I didn't know then what I know now. I didn' t know that when Frank Jones ingested any type of narcotic into his system, it ripped that fear out of My stomach that I felt. It shut that head off that was talking to Me. And it made Me feel calm and cool. And I felt the way You looked. I didn't know that then. I didn' t know that until I got here with you and you told me that. Now, you' re not going to hear any more stories about any drug use because I didn''t use any more narcotics. I look at it this way. Anybody can become addicted to heroin. All you' ve got to do is shoot it. If you shoot it, you're going to become addicted. There ain' t no social heroin users. If you snort coke, you''re going to be addicted to it. There ain''t no doubt there ain' s no social coke users. But if you' r going to b an alcoholic the way I' m an alcoholic, you' v got to hang in there for a long time. You've got to be able to drink. You've Got to Be Able To Drink. You've GOT TO BE ABLE TO DRINK, YOU'VE GOT TO WET YOUR PANTS, CRAP YOUR PANT, ABUSE YOUR FAMILY, LOSE JOBS, ALIENATE EVERYBODY AROUND YOU FOR YEARS TO GET HERE. And I did that one day at a time so I could be at this roundup. And I didn't use any more drugs and I didn t get to kill any Cubans and that upset me. I wanted to win the Medal of Honor and make my folks proud of me and make My Girlfriend proud of Me because I wanted to be macho. And what happened was we ended up going back through the canal, and then I ended up in the Far East, and we ended in a place called Okinawa, and Vince spoke about that place, and that was a neat place. And the first night there, the guys come over and they said, Hey Frank, let's go out and get drunk. And I said, Let's go. Now, I didn't say, Let's go out an have a highball, and I'll go back to the barracks and write Mom and Dad letters. They said, Let' go get drunk, and that's what I did. I went out with those guys to get drunk And that first night in the Ville, we bought a Typhoon 5th of Saki, held about two gallons. It was about that big, cost 75 cents. We're standing out there in the ville, out there on these dirt streets, and these guys start passing that bottle around, and they're drinking it down, and everything in that bottle gets to me. And I lift that bottle up, and I take four or five big mouthfuls, andI swallow it down. Now, Saki tastes like Clorox. And I've got to tell you this. I don't know what you did if you drank Saki. I can tell you what I did with those macho guys I was standing with. I threw that crap back up. And my eyes are watering, and I've got snot running out of my nose, and I'm trying to be macho. And I am feeling ashamed of myself and inadequate, and these guys are poking each other, pointing to me and laughing at me. And they're drinking it down, and it gets back to me, and I drink it and throw it up, andI drink itand throw itup. And that's what I tell you. You've got to hang in. You can't let being embarrassed stop you. You'vegot to work at being a drunk. And I kept drinking, and finally I held enough of that Saki down that something did happen to me. And I remember it very distinctly. I remember It very distinctily. As I got some of that saki down, I looked at those five or six guys I was standing there with, and I realized something. I realized that those guys were punks. And I didn't need them around me, man. They were wimps. And I took off onto the bill on my own. And I spent my whole paycheck that night on wine, women, and song. And I sat in that bar, and I started drinking Akadama wine, and I started drinking sake and I never been a social drinker I don't know about these people that sit in the bars and stir their drinks and play with the olives and tap the fruit I don' t do that never did it never have never will and what happened was I sat in that bar and a guy left off from another battalion there you don' T have to fight the Navy or the Army or the Air Force if you're in the Marine Corps you can just fight anybody because that's what macho guys do so I hit him in the face with a pool cue Marine Corps frowns on that and what happen was I picked this nasan up and I gave her some money And her and I went off to do what we had to do And she went to get cleaned up And when she left the little hooch there I stole my money back and set her hooch on fire I thought that was macho And Marines do that I've seen that in the movies And when I got back to the base that night And I passed out And the next morning I got up I couldn't remember anything And the guys come up And they told me what I had done And they started embellishing those stories And I like that recognition I got About drinking and fighting And the women and all that other stuff But I had a terrible headache and I was vomiting and throwing up and my head was just ringing. And I couldn't shut my head off and it was just going crazy. And when they told me what I had done, I felt that guilt. And I didn't know if that little girl would have happened to her or anything else because I just didn't Know because I had split when I set the hoochah on fire and I had these feelings that I couldn'T cope with. But you know, I found out a secret over there. I went to my wall locker and I got out a bottle of Akadama wine. And I found Out that if I drank three or four big mouthfuls of Akidama wine and I drank some water, something happened to me. That headache went away. My stomach ceased being upset, and it settled down. And my thought was I was a big deal, and I was macho, and that's what was expected of me. And I became a morning drinker and a daily drinker at the age of 17. And booze was the answer for me. I could do anything, and booze would take the pain away. I could doing anything or act any way, and if I felt ashamed, all I'd have to do is drink, and I didn't feel that pain anymore. And I could go on and continue to act the way I thought I should act. And what happened was the Marine Corps frowns on those type of actions, and I started getting office hours and court-martials. And I'd make PFC and I'd lose it, and Iíd make PFS and Iíd lose it. And I got enough PFC warrants at home to wallpaper my bedroom. And if youíd have walked up to me and said, Jones, you know what your problem is? Your problem is the drinking, man. Iíd have told you youíre crazy. Drinking ainít got nothing to do with this. Itís the company gunning, man, itís the CO. Itís these people out here in the Ville. Itís that other guy. He started it. And what I was doing was pointing a finger at everybody else. I never looked at me as being the problem until I got here with you people. I didn't know that I was the problem and that alcohol was the solution. I kept blaming everybody else, and they were the reason I was drinking. Hell, if they didn't act that way, I wouldn't drink. I didn' t have a reason to drink. If you'd just leave me alone, if you'd stay out of my face, I wouIdn't have to smack you. And that's how I thought about it. I started hurting a lot of people over there because, like I say, I used bricks or clubs. It made me no different. I developed the technique of ambush. It was great. I never got hurt if I hit you from behind. Never got hurt if I had you with a jug about that size. And I didn't like pain, so I did that and then the next morning I'd feel bad and I'd have to drink to take that shame away and that guilt and that remorse. And what happened was I ran out of money over there one day and I didn' t have any money to drink on and I had to drink and what happened was the cab was coming down the street and I was starting to have a little bit of the shakes and we stopped that cab and me and my buddy was going to rob him and I jerked that cab driver out of the cab and I held his head down to the pavement and I picked up the rock the size of a softball and I beat that man's face in with it that day. And the Marine Corps really frowned on that. That was during Kennedy's People to People program. That wasn't very people to people. And what happened was I had a general court-martial, and my father had to fly to Okinawa, and I was facing a lot of time because it was assault and intent to commit murder. And I begged the Marine Corp not to throw me out. It's the only thing I knew how to do. It'sthe only thingI'd ever been proud of in my life was that, and I felt like I fit over there. And I beg them not tothrow me out, and myfather brought letters from home, and he paid forthat man's reconstructive surgery, and he paid for his medical bills and his retirement. And if you'd have come up and said, Jones, the reason you did that is you're drinking. I'd have told you drinking ain't got nothing to do with it. These guys keep overcharging us every time they take us someplace. They're ripping me off. And when I pawn my stuff, they don't give me the money that it's worth. And I just had reasons and excuses and everything else. And what it was, it was the alcohol. I had to have money to drink and I didn't even know that then because I was always pointing the finger. What happened was I was sentenced to two years confinement at hard labor and back to duty. And if ever been in the military, you know that can't happen. And if you spend more than six months, you're supposed to be discharged. And I had already spent a year locked up by the time all of this transpired. And when my paperwork got through, they let me out. And I was stationed at Camp Pendleton in California. And I met a girl and I married her. And what happened was I had to drink. And I drank and I drank and when I was home and she'd run her mouth at me, I became violent at home and I became abusive. And I abused that woman. You know, I didn't know until I got here with you and I talked to you and you showed me by your example. You know, I didn't know that she was an individual. I didn'T know that She had the right to dress and act and be the person that She wanted to be. And I was trying to direct and control her and tell her how to act and what to say and what do and how to clean that house. And then when She didn't do it right, I'd get crazy. And when I got crazy, I had to do things. And then When I did things, I had To drink. And thenWhen I drank, I just hell with it. I hadTo go out in the bars. And thenYou'd come up and if You came up to me, I'd hit You. And thenI felt bad and I drank and I had TO pick a woman up to validate my manhood because I was never enough. And then when I validated my manhood with another woman, I felt guilty. And then When I felt Guilty, I had to drink. And then I'd go home and it'd start all over again and I abused her and we had a daughter. And you know, kids ain't supposed to cry and they're not supposed to make messes in their diaper and they'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO MAKE MESSES IN THE HOUSE. And I didn't know that I wasn't mature enough to be a husband and a father. I didn'T KNOW THAT I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO TREAT A WIFE OR A CHILD AND I ABUSED THAT FAMILY. And the only way to take the guilt and the shame and the feeling that I had away was to drink alcohol and when I drank it, made it all right. And then I could go out in the bars and do that. And I'd run around fighting in the bar and I started carrying a gun. You see, everybody frightened me. I didn't know that I was immature. And I did this for a long time and just that cycle of drinking and carrying on and being crazy. And one day they called me into the CO's office and they told me how macho and tough I was. And what they did was is they issued me a rifle with a telescope on it. And they issued some live ammunition and some hand grenades and stuff and they sent me across the ocean to a little place called Vietnam. And I've got to tell you this. Long before I went over there, Vietnam is not my problem. It's not my problems today. It's never been my problem My problem is I'm a drunk. I'm an alcoholic and I drank alcoholically and I was a morning drinker and a daily drinker six years before I ever went over there so you're not going to hear me blame any of this on Vietnam. That is not My Damn Problem. But when I got over there and that airplane landed in Da Nang, I looked at those other Marines and I was filled with terror. I was full with fear that I did not know how to operate. You see, I thought I was a big deal and I thought I was macho, but you see I knew there was a war going on over there. I knew that people were dying over there, and I was so scared I couldn't tell anybody. I was so terrified I could hardly move, and I couldn' t tell these guys that I was afraid. I'm going into combat with them. I'm not going to be in the rear with the gear. I'm Not Going to Be Doing Some Newspaper Issue And Supplies. I Was A Sniper. And I Was Attached Up On A DMZ At Quezon To Recon. And IWas Going To Be In The Action. And I WAS Absolutely Terrified And Immobilized By My Fear. But You Know What? I Found Out A Secret Over There. I Found out That If I Put 151 Proof Rum In My Canteen, And I Drank That, I Became Bulletproof And Invisible. And It Took That Fear Away. And what happened was we went up to Dong Hao. We flew up there, and then we went on up to Khe San by truck convoy. And, you know, when we went out on the operations and we went out on patrols, all the things that you read about in Time Magazine and Newsweek, you see, I did those things. And all the killing and the maiming and the burning, I did that. And, You know, we'd come back in our harbor site at night or in the morning, and I'd start thinking about the things we had done the night before, and it couldn't register in my mind. You see,I couldn't justify that. You see? I wasn't raised to do those things, And I thought I was going to go mad, you see. My stomach was boiling all the time and I felt a lot of pressure in my head. And all I had to do was take out my canteen and drink some whiskey. You know, that fear went away. And what that fear did for me and that alcohol did for мне was allow me to act the way I thought I had acted to validate my manhood and to be macho. You see, so I kept doing those things and things got bad over there and I'd done a lot if I didn't do it. A lot of bad things. During March of 1968, during the siege of Quezon, I got blown up. And I ended up back here in the States. And, you know, when I got home, I had a wife and I had a daughter that was two and a half now. And when I first went over and my wife was pregnant, she had a son born to us while I was on Hill 881 and I hadn't seen that boy. But when I Got Home, I was stark raving crazy and I Had To Drink A Lot Of Whiskey, You See, Because I Had A Lot Of Guilt And Shame And I Done A Lot Of Degrading Things Over There And I Couldn't Tell Anybody About That And You See I Had To Drink And Then When I Drank She'd Get On My Case And When She Got On My Case I Had To Lash Out At Her And Those Kids Were Crying And She Was Chipping Her Teeth at me one day, and I told her if she didn't shut up, I'd kill her. And she didn' t believe me. And I went in the closet in the bedroom and got a gun. And I walked back out into that kitchen and I was drinking whiskey out of the bottle. And I've got to tell you that there was a God in that house that day. You see, I had quit believing in God a long time ago because, you see, if there was a God, I d already broken all ten of the commandments. And I knew that if there were a God that I was screwed. I knew I was history. And, uh, I didn't believe in God. I wanted to see a Polaroid picture of him. I used to think that was a slick thing to say. And there was a God in that house that day, and I found out that since I've been here with you. And that God was looking out for me and those children and that wife. Because, you see, I tried to get the safety off of that gun. And I had a two-and-a-half-year-old daughter hanging on one leg of my pants crying, telling me, don't shoot her, Mommy. And I had little boy crying, trying to stand up on the other side. And that woman kept running her mouth, andI was going to kill her. Andthat safety wouldn't come off. AndI hit the spring on the back and I pushed that spring back in and that gun went off. And that bullet went down and went through my hand and come out the other side and went down between my legs where those kids were standing. And, that bullet didn't strike either one of them. And I've got to tell you, I'm lucky for that. You see, because I could have killed one of those children. And there's no doubt in my mind today as I stand here, as drunk as I was, and as crazy as I wasn't, I'd have killed that woman that day. But, there was a God in that house that didn't allow that to happen. And what happened was I ended up going on the drill field, and I became a drill instructor. And I was a liar and a cheat and a thief there, and I abused those recruits, and I'm not proud of that. But I had to do that. You see, I had to validate my manhood. And I had to act the way I thought I had to act, and I had to drink to take those feelings away. You know what happened shortly after I tried to shoot that woman? You're not going to believe this. She divorced me. Hell, that's not funny. That's sad. I only fired one shot. I didn't even fire the whole clip She was a wimp She took the kids and split And I was resentful of that And hateful of it I hated that for a long time She ran off with a state policeman from Indiana Made me brood That's alright I found another woman You know how we are This hall is full of them Oh, I didn' t mean that But I found Another Woman And I continued to fight And act crazy in the bars And abuse recruits And I started still carrying a gun, and I was carrying a knife now, and I Was just nuts. And finally, I couldn't handle it in the States no more. And I wanted to die, and I didn't have the guts to kill myself. And I was starting to urinate a little blood now. And I Was Just crazy from my drinking. And I volunteered and went back to Vietnam. And what happened was, is I just wanted to die, And I Wanted somebody else to kill me. I had already lost all of my self-worth. And I've got to tell you this, that the only reason That I bring Vietnam up is a lot of times when I talk, Veterans come up to me after the meeting, And they come up and they talk to me about this. And they say, man, I just can't stay sober. I'm having a hard time with this thing, man. I've done a lot of bad things over there. And I just cannot stay sober and I have to stand there and tell them when I am through talking that it is just my opinion that there is a thing called the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And I have read that book since I have been in AlcoholicsAnonymous. And in that book, what that book tells me is that if I develop a spiritual concept of the AA program and I find a higher power or a loving God, whatever I choose to call Him, and that if I work the 12 steps, 12 traditions, and I get into action in the meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous that I can stay sober no matter what. And it doesn't say in that book anywhere that if you do a lot of bad things to a lot of people a lot times that you can't stay sober. That book doesn't say that. It says that if you do these things and you apply these things to your life and you try to change how you're living and you go to meetings, you can stay sober no matter what and I got to stand there and tell these veterans that if you're not staying sober I think you're using Vietnam as a cop out and you don't want to stay sober. That doesn't make all of them very happy, but that's just my opinion. You see, Alcoholics Anonymous has worked for me and I don't think anybody's done anything worse or anything better than I've done. I'm just a drunk and I had to do the things I had to do to get here. And I've dealt with my problems about that with you people in here and a loving sponsor and a living God and a lot of people. And I have done those fourth and fifth steps. So that's the only reason I bring it up. And in that second tour in Vietnam, a lot OF bad things happened and they got worse for me and so did my actions. And I've got to tell you how alcohol was still working for me. Alcohol was working and told me that these things weren't happening and that those were just the fortunes of war and we were going to cross a river one day and we was going to do the things we had to do. And I had a radio man that couldn't swim. And he came up to me and he said, hey man, I can't swim, I ain't going to cross the river with you, man. You're drunk and you're crazy. And I pointed my shotgun at him and told him if he didn't get in the boat, I'd kill him myself. And we went across that river that day and we'd done those things that we had to do and that I had to doing. And coming back across the river, I was in a blackout. And that boat tipped over. And I had a hold of that man. And I come out of my blackout and I was full of fear and I was afraid. And I put my feet in his chest and I kicked off of him. And I swam ashore and when I looked back, he didn' come back to the surface. And, you know, I know that I was responsible for that man drowning that day. You see, I'm life-saver qualified. And if I hadn't been drunk, I could have saved his life. And when I got out of that water, I thought I was going to explode. I thought I was gonna explode with the shame and the guilt that I felt, and I felt the pressure in my head. And I felt my guts were tearing apart. The only thing that saved my life and my sanity that day was one of my squad leaders brought me a bottle of ten high whiskey, and And by the time I drank half of it, my head told me that that was the fortunes of war and that that was his misfortune. And I hope that I never forget that. I hope that I never forget what alcohol used to do for me, you see, because I had no regard for human life whatsoever when I drank alcohol, because alcohol made it okay. What happened was I ended up getting shot up again and I came back to the States and, you know, I married that woman that I had met, and we had a daughter, and I started abusing that family. You see, or mature enough to be a father and a husband, and I had to drink. And I still had to go into bars and validate myself with other women. And I Still Had To Be Violent because I had a lot of shame and I didn't want you close to me. And what happened was after 11 years I drank myself out of the Marine Corps. You see, they wanted me to come back after lunch and I couldn't do that. You see? Because I had the drink and I could not come back. And I ended up out of the Marine Corp after 11 year. And if you are macho and tough the way I am, there is only one thing you can do. I strapped on a gun and a badge and became a cop in California. And I took that attitude out on the streets with me. And I worked graveyard, and I was terrified. I was afraid of the dark, and I was scared of those dark alleys. You see, the ghosts of my past were out there. And all the things I had done and the people I abused were out here. And I had to drink before I went on duty, and I'm not proud of that. This is just what alcohol had to do to me to get me here with you people. And I quit asking a long time ago why I'm here and some other people aren't. You see, I'm here today because I'm supposed to be here today. That's the only thing I can come up with. But I couldn't tell my partner in that police car, I am afraid, man. I am scared to go down these alleys. I am sacred to work in the dark. And so I had to drink whiskey and I abused a lot of people and I was validating myself with other women and doing the things that I wasn't supposed to do and I felt all that shame and guilt. And my police career came to an end. You see I started having an affair with my partner. Now don't get all excited, I' m not from Hollywood. I' M from Valencia. And my partner was a female. And she found out that I got my wife pregnant. And you know what that woman did? She shot me. That's not even funny. Only the Al-Anons were clapping. I can't even believe you're clapping and laughing. This is tragic. She damn near blew my head off. I have a finger you can lay in the park. There's a big gash out of my head. She almost killed me. Just because I got my wife pregnant? Jesus! That ended my police career. I've got to tell you, I did the next thing that I think any alcoholic had to do that's got a drinking problem. I got a real estate license. And I started selling real estate and drinking into better bars. And I've Got to Tell You This, that if you're sitting out there today And you think money, property, and prestige is the answer. If you think you had a little more money, if you had an old house sitting on a quarter acre and you had two new Cadillacs in the driveway, and if your kids were wearing designer clothes, and if you hade a big swimming pool in the back corner of that house that had a three-hole putting green around it and little tiki torches and palm trees, that your life would be okay? If you're drunk the way I'm a drunk, I'm here to tell you that that ain't going to happen because it didn't happen to me because I had all of those things. I used to go on listing appointments and stuff. I wore enough gold chains and diamonds, I looked like a damn pimp going out. I looked likes a gigolo. And I had a $3,000 a month booze habit and I didn't have a problem drinking. And I continued to drink and act crazy and abuse that family and money didn't fix it. Money didn't change what was inside me. Money didn' t change those feelings. Money didn''t change the guilt. Money didn ''t feel the degrading things I was doing. Money didn?'t change those things. I was still the same Frank Jones. And I thought that alcohol would do it, but all alcohol did was shut my head off and I started getting sicker from alcohol. And I started urinating in crapping blood now. And I decided to turn yellow. And I couldn't figure out what the hell my problem was. If you'd have told me, come up and said, Jones, your problem's drinking, I'd have tells you you're crazy if I could get a little more money. Hell, I only made $128,000 in 1976. I just need some more money if I can get another woman, a bigger car. Maybe I need a Rolls Royce. I need an apartment. I need to build a house on a half acre, not a quarter acre. I need a house with 26 rooms, not 16 for Christ's sakes. Don't tell me about drinking. And I'd just get crazy and alcohol wasn't a problem. And you know, I had a 42-inch waist and I didn't know what my problem was so I changed brands of cigarettes. Made sense to me. Jesus! I've got to tell you, I'll tell you I was so stupid when I was drinking I thought denial was a river in Egypt. I just... I changed bands of cigarettes I went from Old Gold to Viceroy I switched to Winston. Winston turned my skin yellow and made my gums bleed. I didn't know what in the hell was wrong. I went back to Camel. I stood there at the age of 36 years old, and everything I'd wanted to be all my life, that house on the quarter acre was gone. The house was gone, the two Cadillacs were gone, my wife and kids moved up with their parents into a trailer in San Jose, California. And everything I had worked all my live to get was gone and I didn' t know what the hell my problem was. All I wanted to do all my li e is be like my father. He's a loving man, a gentle man. And he raised us kids. And he was just an example of what an American husband and father should be and that's what I wanted to be and I didn't know where in the hell I went wrong. I didn' t know what my problem was. Everything I own now was in a cardboard box in the back seat of a stolen car. And that's a hell of a note for a police officer. And I didn''t know what My problem was and I continued to drink and get crazy and this woman finally took me into her house and I nailed her windows shut because they were out to get me and I didn't even know who in the hell they were. And I was carrying a .357 six-inch magnum and a butcher knife and I was crazy and I wasn't going to be able and I just drank and I went to a doctor because I was starting to hemorrhage and I had a lot of blood escaping from my body. And I went through the doctor and he called me in after this examination and he said, Mr. Jones, you're a 36-year-old and you're an alcoholic. he says you're dying he says you've got cirrhosis of the liver a hole in your throat from dry heath you've gotta lung and stomach infection and all these things that we get when we're chronic drunk the way I am and you know what I felt when he told me that I felt relief I told him thank you I wanted to die I didn't have the guts to commit suicide I was a wimp and I told Him thank you and He said if you don't quit drinking you'll die within six months and I walked out to that stolen car and I picked the beer up off the floorboard and I drove to a liquor store and I bought a case of beer and a fifth of whiskey and drove back to Los Angeles. And I started drinking as hard and as fast as I could because I wanted to die and I didn't know how. And I was just tired. And I walked around this woman's house talking to myself and one day I was sitting in her bedroom and I had just vomited a pool of blood on her floor and I got a cop .357 Magnum on her nightstand and I was going to kill her and her three kids and then kill myself because the world outside these rooms suck. And I couldn't find an answer to it and I went nuts. And I've got to tell you how God works in my life when I don't believe in God. You see, I hadn't made any contact with my parents in over four years. You see my parents are old and they're retired and they vacation in Florida in a different spot every year. They go to Orlando or Dade County or Miami or someplace and they just get a little apartment and they stay there for the winter. And I hadn'T talked to them in four years because last time they'd seen me I'd been working for my brother. I was drunk and I told him if he didn't give me his money I'd kill him and burn his house down. and I showed up in the morning with a can of gas, a gun, and an attack dog. He gave me some money and I split to California. And I hadn't seen or talked to him in four years and I am sitting on her bed and I take that talk gun and I put it in my mouth and I didn't have the guts to pull the trigger. And I was just mad. And I picked that telephone up and I dialed the telephone number and on the other end of that telephone my father answered the telephone. And you know, I don't know how that happened. I do today. I didn' t then. You see, I had a loving God that was watching over me and I don't know where that number comes from except that God provided that number for me and that may sound hokey or hinky to you but I didn't know where my parents were. And my dad asked me what the problem was and I told him that I'm an alcoholic and I'm dying and I need a hospital. And I had never surrendered in my life. I have been through the best psychological warfare school the Marine Corps has got. I've been through the best POW schools and training that the military has got and I can stand a lot of physical pain. I can handle a lot if I want to. I can deal with a lot pain but I was history man And I was tired, and I had had alcohol up to my eyebrows. And he got the phone number where I was, and to make a long story short, I ended up in a hospital in Indiana. And when they took me in that hospital, they lashed me down to a bed, and I didn't understand that. And they started giving me shots of vitamin B and magnesium to help me with my withdrawal because they told me I was physically addicted to alcohol the way a heroin addict is to heroin. And they told мне I was supposed to get five or six of these shots, and I endedup getting 24 of them. And I had the hallucinations and the DTs, and they called my wife in California, this doctor did. And he said, I suggest that you fly back to Indiana and be with your husband. We think he's going to die before he gets through these DTs. You want to know what my wife said? Let that son of a bitch die. I was crushed. I don't know what you're laughing at. I didn't die. They're not doing this with mirrors up here. This isn't a videotape. I didn't die. And they enlashed me from that bed and they cleared up my physical ailments and they arrested the infections and diseases I had inside me. And this hospital is going to be kind of weird. It is for the people in California when they hear this part of it anyway. That hospital wasn't interested in my money. What they was interested in was that as I go to AA meetings, and it was mandatory that if you're in this hospital that you go to two meetings a day and that you sit there and you listen. And I went to those AA meetings in that hospital and what I heard was is go to 90 meetings in 90 days. Go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings if you want to take a drink. If you want a drink, go to AA. Go to AA for 90 days Go to 90 readings in 90 days. If you wanna drink, go to AAA. And I thought if I wanna drink I'll go to AA. And if I wanna drink okay I'll go to Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. And you know, I couldn't remember the words to the Lord's Prayer. I couldn' t remember my kids' names or where they were at. I couldn''t remember a lot of things and I thought I had brain damage. And I walked with a limp and I stuttered and I had speech impediment. And I didn' t know what my problem was. But I didn''t desire to take a drink and I haven' t had a desire to tak e a drink since that first day in there. I haven''t had it. But I kept hearing that. That ain' t a big deal. That ain''t a big deal, I got worse. you see I didn't go to AA they said go to AA if you want a drink but you see I did all the things in that hospital I was supposed to do when I walked out those two glass doors I stood out there in that Indiana sunlight and what happened was I stood up there stark raving sober and I had no desire to take alcohol into my body but what happened was all ten of the commandments I had busted come walking down and got up on my chest and started choking me out and all the disrespect and all this stealing lying and cheating I had done with my parents come down and started choking me out. And all the abuse I had heaped on those two wives and four kids came down that sidewalk and got up on my chest. And all of the things I had been doing in Vietnam and in that city that I was a cop in come down and started chocking me out and I thought I was going to go crazy and suicide became the only answer unless I felt pretty good about me and then I thought maybe I'd kill you. You see, homicide or suicide is the only thing I understood. I didn't desire to take a drink so I'm not going to AA. I don't go to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings because they don't want to drink, and I heard them say, if you want to drink, go to AA. And I've got to tell you this, if you're new or used out there tonight, that if you are in tents when you quit drinking, I've gotta tell you what happened to me might happen to you if you do what I did. If you're a little bit tense, if you get out here on this freeway and people that drive in front of you in the fast lane at 45 and 50 make you crazy, or you go in grocery stores and the list says 10 items or less cash only, and some dummy in front of you has got 15 items and a checkbook out of it. That makes you crazy? And you get a little bit tense about that the way I get intense about it? What happened to me might happen to you. After 13 months of no Alcoholics Anonymous meetings, I didn't go to AA. I got my wife and kids back. We moved into a garage in Newhall, California. We slept on the floor and ate out of a styrofoam chest. And my wife said that I got a lot worse sober than I ever was drinking. I had a nervous breakdown. I flipped out. All my grapes were squashed. Squashed all my bananas. I just went nuts. I don't know why. I wasn't drinking. I was still lying, cheating, stealing, validating myself with another woman, driving a stolen car, abusing that family, carrying a gun, hanging out in the bars drinking club soda with a lying twist. And I went cuckoo. I don' t understand it. It beats the hell out of me. I was in an office one day. This guy comes by and says, Hey, Jones, how are you doing? I thought that was a personal question. I didn't think it was any of his business. And I grabbed him by the throat. And I pulled him over on the desk and I told him, How in the hell do you think I'm doing? And I flipped out. I just went crazy. And these guys come running over there and they started trying to pull me off of them and I was kicking and screaming and slobbering and nuts. And I've got to tell you how God works in my life. You see, I've got to be body slammed. I don't get subtle messages. You can't tell me bring the body and the mind will follow. That's bull. That don't work for me. You can'T tell me something and expect me to do it. You've got TO beat me. You've GOT to abuse me. You've Got to drag me behind a semi-truck. You've GOt to get the message through. But there was a loving God in that office that day because there was an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous. and that man walked up to me and laid a card down in there holding me and I'm crying and screaming and on that card was the number of a man and he said I know what's wrong with you but he said I can't help you he said I suggest that you call this man and I couldn't call him I was crazy and I was just too nuts and I just got nutter and nuttier and nutpier and finally one day that man called for me and I finally went down to see this man and I drove my stolen car down there and I walked into his office and I sat in his office and I cried and I prayed and what that man explained to me that day was is that I didn't have a problem with drinking he told me that you haven't had a drink in 13 months he says you've got a problem with living and he said what I suggest to you is that you find a living answer to your living problem in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous and he told me that I needed to become committed to these meetings he told me that I had to do certain things And I just sit there and cried when he talked to me. He told me that I had to come to these meetings and I had the right to do it. I had a seat in the front row. He told Me that I have to take the cotton out of my ears and I have put it in my mouth. He told My I have the lesson. He suggested to Me that start reading the big book. And He told That for Me, I should read the black part and not the white. He told M That I have start believing in a God. He said, You know what? Somebody hangs that moon after at night and they take it down in the morning and He says, It's not you. he told me that I had to get down on my knees at night and I had thank God for keeping me sober and for having a good day he told when you get up in the morning roll out of your sleeping bag and get on your knees and ask God to keep you sober that day and I listened to the things that man was telling me he was right that I have a living problem while I don't have a drinking problem I haven't had a drink for a long time it's been almost 9 years but I can tell you this that I've been to a lot of Alcoholics Anonymous meetings and at no time have I ever seen anybody sit here and drink a bourbon of water. I haven't seen anybody come in here and pop the top on a bud. So I guess that in here, it just don't deal with drinking problems because I haven'T seen any. And he's been right because I started coming to these meetings and what I've seen was people learning how to live. He told me that what I had to do is I hadto start doing a lot of things. He said you have to get commitments at the meetings. He toldme you haveto make the meeting yours. He said don't let the meeting be theirs. He said, because when it's their meetings, you don't have to go to it. You can find reasons not to show up. He said you get commitments at the meetings. And he said I don't want you getting any high profile commitments. He said I want you to clean up or empty the trash or sweep the floors or something. He said he wants you to make the meeting yours so you're there every night. And he says I want to you to go a meeting every night and he said I want for you to show off unless there's a death in the family and it's yours. And you see, I understood that. And he told me that I had to start doing these things And what I did was He told me to go to a meeting that night And when I stood up to leave his office I was still crying And he'd come around from behind his desk And he put his arms around me And you know, when I look into that man's eyes I knew something that day That I hadn't known for a long time I knew that he knew me And I trusted that man And I don't know why I did But I did And he said And he called me to take my pack off And he says You don't have to hurt yourself anymore If you don't want to He says, you don't ever have to take another drink. And he says, you can get comfortable if you start working these 12 steps and you start doing it in your daily life. And he said, you don' t have to hurt yourself anymore. And he just hugged me. And I just stood there and cried. And I walked out of his office that day and I went to a meeting that night. And I did what that man told me to do. I sat in the front row. And when I got there, he told me that I should shake hands. And I stuck my hand out and I wasn't interested in knowing you. I wasn' t interested in knowin' you because you hadn't done the things I had done. You hadn't abused the people that I had abused. You hadn'T done the thing overseas I had done. You didn't drink the way I drank. You didn'T do your family the way l'd done my family. I looked at every excuse not to like you or be around you, but I was hurting so bad and I trusted that man so much that I stuck my hand out and I did what he told me to do. And what happened to me when I come into these meetings is I walked through the door and none of you has walked up to me and said, hey, where have you been? What kind of car are you driving? What type of job have you got? How did you treat your family? You didn't do any of those things. What you did was is you stuck your hand out to me and you said, You're welcome here. Why don't you get a cup of coffee and sit down? And what you did more than that is you showed me by your example how Alcoholics Anonymous worked. You see, you read the steps to me in chapter 5. You read the Steps to me, and you read The Traditions to me. And I heard them now. And I didn't understand them. And you knew that I might have been a hard study because you have been where I've been, and I didn' t know that. and what you did was is you set an example for me to follow I didn't listen to your words I watched you I watched like I've watched you at this convention I watched when you walk in with your husbands and your wives and how you put your arms around each other I watched how you treated your children I watched how you hugged them and you see I wasn't doing any of those things when I got here you see I had quit loving my wife a long time ago all I knew was abuse all I new was hate all I know was anger All I knew was just pushing people away from me. And I watched you long enough, and what you told me to do, you said it's easy to do it in here. What I want you to do Frank is take it home with you. I want to you to take it at home with me. And what I did was I watched it, and I tried to take at home with me, I tried treat my wife and my kids with respect. And my sponsor told me, you know, I went to him and I said, you know I got a daughter, and she tells me she loves me when she goes to bed at night, and said I can't tell her I love her. And he told me, don't be a dummy. He says, you reach out every time that little girl walks by you and touch her and tell her you love her. He said, she don't know you don't love her He said you just tell her and in time you'll learn to love her And you know I got two daughters and I left his office and I went home and I went back to that garage and every time those two kids walked by I reached out and tried to touch them and they ducked. And I told them I love you And I didn't mean it. I didn' t mean it and it took a long time for me to start meaning it but I kept doing it because he told me to do it and you told me to do it and I watched you do it that was okay for you so I did it and you taught me how to treat my wife you told my to put my arms around her you told when I come in just like my sponsor told me when you get home ask her how her day was and then stand there and listen I used to wiggle my toes in my shoes I didn''t do I didn ''t do it Marianne I wiggled my toes in my shoes. I wasn't interested in her. I was interested in me. I wanted to inflict myself on everybody around me that stands still and listens. But I had to stand there and listen to her. And you know, in time, by doing that day after day after days and going home, I started becoming interested in what she was saying. Not all the time. My sponsor tells me I'm never going to rise above wonderful. He said, all I'm going to be is a human being. And so I stood there and I listened to her and I kept doing the things he told me to do. My sponsor told me I had to be self-supporting through my own contributions, and he told me to get a job. And what I did is I didn't know how to get the job. He told me suit up and show up. And he told me about getting the one ads and to make the calls and to show up at the interviews. And he said, take the first job you're offered. And I became a security guard nest beneath my station. I'm a combat veteran, and I'm a cop. And by God, I'm something to be conjured with. And I don't want to be no $3.75 an hour security guard. And I took that job and I went to work at midnight after the meetings. And when I got my first paycheck. I stood there and I cried. I couldn't believe it. If I didn't need the money, I wouldn't have cashed it. I'd have framed it. Instead, I Xeroxed it and framed it, but it's the first honest money I'd earned in a long time. You see, I had ripped people off all my life, and what happened was is that, hell, there's times today I look at that Xeroxt copy of check and think, I wonder if they'll cash that. It's still in the frame. I won't try to cash it today. But I felt good about that job, and I felt good because that's the first honest money I had earned. And what I've had to do is, I kept judging myself by my intentions, and all of you people were judging me by my actions. And when my sponsor told me I had to do it, he said, you have to start changing your action. I had quit using these ethnic terms that I used. I had quite use four-letter words. I started learning how to speak again, because he told me that you can't cuss and you can act that way. And I had to change how I was living. I had a 180-degree turn, and I had to start being gentler with people. And I have to quit doing that attitude that I had, and I have quit trying to push you away. And I've had to start doing those things. And what I believe in my life today is that most of the time when I let it be, my life is God-directed through sponsor direction. And that's how it works for me, you see. Because without my sponsor, I really don't think I'd be here today. I wouldn't be anywhere because I know where I was without him. And I don't know where I'd been without the old timers in Alcoholics Anonymous. Because, you see, they came in before me and they're walking that path for me. They're running point. I don't have to. They're showing me how to do it if I'll just open my damn eyes and watch them. And the easiest thing for me to do is to be loving in these meetings. The hardest thing for мне to do ist to take these twelve steps home with me. That's where it's hard to work the program. It's hard zu work de program at de job. That silly bastard running a company don't know how to du it. I need to show him. Look, I'm sober. Let me show you how it's done. having a job in sobriety is the hardest thing I've got it's the hardest thing I have to do in sobrietty is keep employed and I don't know why hell I didn't have that problem in drinking but I've gotta take the program outside with me because out there is where it counts and here it's easy because you see I know how you feel behind your belt buckle and you know how I feel you know what I feel and I've gonna keep doing these things I've gotta keep taking the action I've go to get the commitments and I gotta go to the meetings and I've got to listen. I've gotta believe in a God. And I do believe in a God, and I can say God and it's not a three-letter word that I'm ashamed of anymore. And I gotta tell you what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me. Alcoholics Aonimus has put God, AA, and Al-Anon in our home. Because without God, AA, and Al Anon we wouldn't have a home. My wife attends Al-A-Non meetings and she's involved in Al-Al-An-On and I let her work her program and she allows me to work my program and we do our thing like you've heard here today. And you know sometimes I have more time on my hands than she does, so I help her with her program. That's no problem. I can do that. She's never had a break. She did her inventory. I said, you don't have to. I've got a typed copy. Give it to your sponsor. But she allows me to do my program and she allows мне to go to a lot of meetings. And I go to meetings almost every night. And I got four or five regular meetings that I attend and she allowes that. And my old, I've got four children, but my middle daughter that's 16, she went to Allotine for a while. And she appears to be a normie, and she's a lovely girl. And I've gotta tell you what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me. You see, AlcoholicsAnonymous, they hasn't given me the clothes that I'm wearing. AlcoholicsAnenomous hasn't give me these clothes. If you want clothes, go down to Mervyn's or Kmart or wherever the hell you buy your clothes. We don't issue them here. What you gotta do is get a job, become self-supporting, and buy your clothing. Alcoholics Anenomious hasn't gave me the car I'm driving. Alcoholics Anonymous isn't a car dealership, for Christ's sakes. You have to get a job, you have to work, you have to make payments, and you have to do those things. Alcoholics Anonymous, it's not a job service or an employment agency. I had to get the one ads, and I had to take sponsored direction and find a job. Alcoholics Anonymous is some social club for me. I'm dealing with a life-or-death disease here, and I believe that if I don't do the things I'm supposed to do, I'll die from this disease or go crazy. And I know we have a lot of fun here. And I know that there's a lot of lovely ladies here, but since I've been in Alcoholics Anonymous and with my sponsor in this group, I haven't had to validate myself with another woman. You see, I believe in Alcoholic Anonymous, and I believe en my wife, and I love my wife. And this last Monday we were married for 18 years, and she's seen the good and the bad, and it's time that I give her the good. And I feel that she has earned that. And I have to do that because she's a lovely lady, and I'm glad that we're married, and I'm glad that I can share my life with her today, because I sure tromped over hers long enough. And we can have a lot of fun here, and this is an honest program, it's a truthful program, and my sponsor tells me I can think anything I want to think as long as I don't act on it. And I lust after a lot of you women in here, because you are some foxes. I just don't act on it. Not today. Short-term gain, long-term pain. I don' need it. But I've got to tell you what Alcoholics Anonymous has done for me. Alcoholics Anonymous allows me to sit down at night and eat a meal, and I don't throw it up. AlcoholicsAnonymous allows for me to stand in my bathroom and shave in the morning, and I can look in the mirror. You see, the first three or four years I was sober, I used to walk around shaving because I couldn't stand to look at the guy in that mirror. I hated myself so bad I wanted to die. But today I can stand and most of the time look in that mirror and I like the guy that I see in there because I'm doing the best I can today. Alcoholics Anonymous allows me to lay down at night, put my head on a pillow, and I sleep all night. And that's a gift because I didn't sleep all tonight when I got here. I used to wake up and search the house and wake up soaking wet and wakeup full of fear and that anxiety, and I don't have to do that no more. You see, Alcoholics Anonymous fills up my holes the way alcohol used to. Alcoholic Anonymous allow me to feel like a human being most of the time. Alcoholics Anonymous allows me to show up at work and to give an honest day's work for an honest today's pay. Alcoholic Anonymous and the principles and traditions here allows me not to make this fun and games and to hit on everybody and to be cute. Alcoholice Anonymous allow me to feel like a man most of the time, the one thing that I've always wanted to be. Jim said it on Thursday night, Alcoholics Anonymous allowed me to shower when I say I'm going to be somewhere, I'm there. Alcoholism Anonymous allows me to dress up and stand in front of you so I can be an example of Alcoholics Anonymous. And the greatest gift that AlcoholicsAnonymous has given me is that family at home. Besides my two brothers at Sober, I have the two children at home, and I've got two that are away from home, and those two at home ducked and dodged every time I walked by. And I've gotta tell you that one of the greatest gifts is I've Got a Little 12-Year-Old at Home Now, and she was six years old, and she wasn't telling me she loved me or hugging me, and I'd been going home and telling her and touching her and trying to get close to her and she wouldn't let me. And I was about three years sober and I was getting ready to go to a meeting and we'd moved out of that garage and off the floor and we've moved into a little house and we got real furniture now that some people would give us and stuff and I'm getting ready for a meeting and that little girl had just taken her bath and she was ready for bed and she come running by that chair I was sitting in and she stopped and she looked at me and she crawled up in my lap and she put her arms around me and she gave me a kiss and she said, I love you. And that was the first time in her life and she was six years old that she had ever said, I love you to me. And the first time she had never kissed me. That's what you've given me, you see. And the feeling I had that night, you can't get out of a bottle. You can't give up. You can get that out of the bottle of whiskey. And you know, she's been doing it a lot since then. You know what the little type did? She's 12 and she went out and took golf lessons to learn to play golf so she could be with me. You see, that can't happen to me and my oldest daughter, my 16-year-old, She made cheerleader and I got to hug and I Got to cry with her and tell her how happy I was With her and how happy and proud I was of her. And we got to Share that moment and that was good And you people allowed that to happen By your example and by telling me to take It home with me. Those are the Gifts you give me. I can Lay down at night with my wife and put my arms Around her and I can tell her that I love her And she puts her arms around me and says I love you too That Can't happen from where I came You see, because they were terrified of me. And life isn't all just bed of roses. Because in Alcoholics Anonymous, bad things happen. Bad things happen! My father has a blood clot on the brain and Alzheimer's and he's dying. And my oldest daughter, this 24-year-old, had disowned me. Because she said I was the reason for her problems and she had never lived with me. But she blamed me. and I had to let her do that and I called my sponsor crazy and he said, why don't you just let her be her and you be you and you keep doing what a dad does. You send her a card on her birthday and for Christmas and you just keep being there for her should she ever change her mind and come back to you and you know April of this year in January I got a call from her and she said, Dad, I'm getting married in April and I want you to come back and she apologized for how she was. You see, I stayed with you long enough and was an example long enough that she called. And in April, I went back to her wedding and I got to visit my father. And you know, I didn't want to do that because that's tough for me because I've become a wimp in sobriety. And I knew that was going to be hard. What my sponsor said was, why don't you just suit up and show up and know that he's got a God in his life just like you do. And why don'T you just support your mom and help take care of him? And you Know, I Went Back There and I did that. And I took him to the wedding and he disrupted it and raised hell. He don't know what he was doing but I was proud to be with him because you see I wanted to be like him. And if I wasn't sober that wouldn't have happened. You know I had a son that the hardest thing I've had to do in sobriety was put him out when he was 15 year old. But I called my sponsor and he said you can't have drugs and alcohol in your home. You have to put that young man out. And I packed his clothes up and set him on the porch And I put him out. And he lived on the streets of Hollywood, and he run wild for a long time. And he's a drug addict and alcoholic. And that was tough to watch. And I watched him almost die. And I washed him be arrested for murder. And I washed him be arrest for robbery. And I watch him do the things that I was doing. And he got put in prison. And I didn't go to his trial because I didn' t help put him there. And he was still drinking and using. And my sponsor and you people said, why don't you just stay here and be an example for him? And I had to ask you what the difference was between release and indifference. And you said, do you still love him and still care about him? And I said, yes. And you told me then you've released him. If you didn't care, you're indifferent. And he spent five years in prison. And I went down to see him in December and he was clean and sober. And last Tuesday he got released. and he's in my home group and that can't happen and he has a sponsor and he goes to a meeting and he says he's gone to a meeting every night since he's been out and I don't tell him how to do his program it ain't none of my business all I can do is be an example and I learn that from you I've lost a business in sobriety I lost all my money in sobrietty and I've had to start over None of those things that I just mentioned would a drink make any better or change And I learned that from you And what I've got to do is stay here with you Now the things I've said today mean nothing to you They don't mean anything What I've done here today is I've told you what I used to be like And I need to hear that I needto hear what an animal I was How angry and hateful and disregard for human life I had I needtosee the miracle of how I got to Alcoholics Anonymous Because when I look back on it To me it's truly a miracle that I'm alive and sober today. I need to see how I got to you people, and I need the help and I want to hear how my life is today. I need you here that I am centered. I got a little dignity most of the time. I try to do the things that you've shown me how to do, and I've got to hear myself say that I have a good life because, you know, sometimes I forget and I lose my gratitude. So the things that I've done here at this podium today are for Frank Jones. They're for me. I'm a drunk and I'm bad drunk. But today I'm a human being. I'm never going to rise above that and I try not to do the things I used to do and I tried not to drink today. And I try to live in today because today is all I've got. Yesterday is gone and I can't change a thing. I'd go back and change a lot of things if I could, but I can. And I don't know what's going to happen tomorrow so I have to stay sober and I have do the thangs today, right now, because all I got is right now. And if I put enough right nows together I'll get to tomorrow. And that's what you've taught me. And I think that the only thing that you should remember it was read at the Thursday night meeting and you probably didn't even pay any attention to it. And to me, it's one of the most important things I hear at every meeting because I watch the old-timers and they're the ones that I keep my eye on. And what that thing said Thursday night that was read, if you're new or used tonight, keep it right in front of you and try to remember those words. And what those words are is the first line of chapter 5 and the firstlineofchapter5 says, Really? Have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path? Thank you. Thanks for watching!