Sponsorship for the Smart Aleck – Karen G.

Good morning everybody, I'm Karen Garrison and I'm an alcoholic. And it's through the grace of God and the power of Alcoholics Anonymous that I've been sober since May 30th, 1982. And that doesn't make me a miracle, it makes AA a miracle, let me tell you. If you're new here today, I want to welcome you to Alcoholics Anonymous. I always call it God's Magnificent AA, the program that saved my life and it's going to save yours too, if you want to take a few quick actions. And I suggest strongly that you get a sponsor, that you get that book Alcoholics Anonymous, and you get busy, which everybody else is doing around here, and you're going to stay sober as I've stayed sober for 18 years. And people like me cannot stay sober, I can guarantee you. My home group is the Pacific Group in West LA, a group I'm very, very proud to be a member of, just as I'm sure you're proud to be a member of yours. And I guess if you're not proud, you ought to get a job and you might change your mind. I have a job in mind. I'm proud to have that job. I want to thank Jackie and her mom Sandy and the committee for inviting me. This is an honor and a privilege, it's one that I do not take lightly, I'll guarantee you. You guys, I love Alcoholics Anonymous, I really do. And I think that it shows, and I make an awful lot of mistakes and I do an awful lot of things wrong. But I'll tell you one thing, that I love you, make no mistake about that. You know, I've been taught to do an awful lot of things before I ever wrote my big mouth. And one thing is to talk to my sponsor, and Clancy sent you his love and very best wishes this morning. And if anybody in this room is wondering why I have a man for a sponsor and why I have Clancy, I'm going to tell you that I have a man for a sponsor. It's really quite simple. I did not get sober in California, I got sober in a place called Lincoln, Nebraska. And I was not doing well in Alcoholics Anonymous, Nebraska. I went through 19 sponsors at a rapid clip. And I'm certainly not proud of that as I stand here this morning. And thank God for the old timers in A, because somebody loved me enough to get my current sponsor. And I got to tell you that my life has done nothing but totally, completely turn around as a result of that. And I absolutely adore the ground that that man walks on. I talked to him a few moments ago, he's out of town speaking also. And he said, well get up there and share your experience, your strength and your hope. And tell those people what it was like, what happened, what it's like now. Ignore the old timers, they got it. They don't need your inspiration, my dear. And talk directly to those new people, the life and blood of A. And I believe that as I stand here and I welcome you and I hope that you stay in. Then I think I did without a doubt the most important thing I can ever do. And that's to say, God, please help me say what you want me to say to these people. God is very much a part of my life today, you guys. It did not used to be that way for me, I can guarantee you. You know, I am just delighted to be here. My baby Jackie introduced me. And to watch Jackie stand here almost six years sober is just awesome to me. I worked with this woman when she was still drinking, you guys. And I told her one day, I said, you drink one more time, I'm out of here. And she's never drank again. And hopefully she never does. But she's a great member of A. I'm very, very pleased and proud of her as I stand here today, I'll tell you. But I hate this platform up here. It just scares me to death. And every time I get on one of these platforms, the hair on my neck stands straight up. I'll tell you why. When I first heard my sponsor speaking, Connie Nebraska, a long time ago, he was one of these platforms. And Clancy was sitting at a table like this. And this young man back here's daddy. Introduced my sponsor, Dick M. from Bellevue, Nebraska. And Clancy got up out of his chair, and the back leg of his chair got caught on the rear end of the platform. And he fell backwards, you know. And it was the first time I'd ever seen Clancy. And I was just in hysterics laughing. I mean, it was the funniest thing I've ever seen. And I thought, well, God, I hope he's not hurt and stuff. And he got up. He was like a ruffled chicken, you know. And he got up to the podium. And I will never forget this. He said, a newcomer would have gotten hurt in a fall like that. You know. And I thought, oh, well. And I fell in love with my sponsor, let me tell you. And then Jimmy's dad introduced him. And he said, you know, when Dick gave up the microphone so quick, it scared me. And I fell over backwards, you know. You know, like I said earlier, you guys, I've been sober since May 30th. I was sober since May 31st, 1982. It was not always my sobriety date. When I got my current sponsor, I had to change that date. And there's a reason for that. I'm one of these people who had to go smoke dope when I got sober. And, you know, if you're smoking marijuana this room day, you are not sober now until I tell you right this minute. And I don't want to argue about it afterwards. Ask any old timer if you don't believe me. And if I have to change my date, then by God, so do you. But anyway. I got my current sponsor. And I tried to explain to him where I'm from in Lincoln, Nebraska, where Jimmy's from in Omaha. I don't know if he's from Memphis at all. But where I'm from in Lincoln, you can have two sobriety dates. One from alcohol and one from drugs. And he pointed out to me that I was in Southern California. We had one date here to get my date changed. And I was such a smart aleck when I got my current sponsor. And I said, where does the book mention pot? He said, well, the book does mention pot. And I said, Clancy, I have read that book. It does not talk about marijuana in that book. And he said, if I find the word pot in that book, will you change your sobriety? Never argue with me again. And I knew I was making a bad deal, you guys, but I did it anyway. And I'll be damned if he didn't flip open the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous. And on the first page of Bill Wilson's story, it says, died by musket or by pot. And I said, that is not what that means. He said, I don't care what it means. Change your sobriety date. You said the book didn't mention pot. It does mention pot in the subject. And it's kind of been like that with me for Clancy for a number of years. But I don't have to know why. I just got to do it. But anyway, I'm also delighted that you don't have a glass podium. You can see your speaker had this terrible experience on the East Coast. I was out there giving a talk. And right on the top of my talk, my skirt was torn. And my skirt fell off in front of 3,000 people. And then, oh, they had this podium where, you know, it was a glass podium. You could see the speaker. And that makes me nervous anyway. And I had this black suit on with this wraparound skirt. And the button came in. And I thought, my God, my skirt's going to fall on the floor. And it was too late. It was on the floor. But you guys, you know what? Alcoholics Anonymous taught me to wear underwear. And thank God I had some on. So, also taught me. Where's that Miami Hurricane football team at? You know, today, you know, my life is so good today, you guys. I can't begin to tell you. And, you know, sometimes I forget how bad it was. And for this weekend, it's just been coming back and hitting me right and left. I heard, you know, when Polly's husband, Dave talked last night, when Dave Pistole talked last night, I thought, my God, I have never heard Dave that good. He was just fabulous last night. Just did a great AA talk. And he brought up things that I had forgotten about. It had been my own story and so on and so forth. But, you know, that's the value of getting to do this kind of stuff. You know, you get to hear these people over and over again. And every time I hear a lot of these people, it's always a different thing when I hear them. And it's just a treat to be around these people. I admire every single one of these speakers that are here today. They've been dear friends of mine for a long, long time. And, you know, sometimes I'm with speakers that I don't like at all. You know, if you want to know the truth. You don't have to like everybody here if you're new here today. I have to respect them and be nice to them. But I don't have to like them particularly. And I just love these people, let me tell you. So, it's just a treat to be here. But, you know, when I got my sponsor 17 years ago, I had the same sponsor for 17 out of my 18 years of sobriety. And I had previous 19 before that. But anyway, when I got my current sponsor, he asked me to write an inventory. And I said, I wrote an inventory in treatment. He said, I said write an inventory. You know, he had to say things to me about three or four times before I finally shut up. And I said, but I wrote an inventory. And he said, and what kind of an inventory was that? And I said, he said, was it a good one? I said, well, no. You know, it wasn't a good one. And so, I wrote it. As a matter of fact, it was a horrible inventory, if you want to know the truth. The priest I read it to told me to get out of his office. He said, one of these days you might want to get honest and you might stay sober here. Get out of my office. I don't want to hear this stuff. And it was all about everybody else and what they'd done to me, you know. But anyway, I wrote another one after that. And it was even, I think, worse than the first one. But anyway, I got my current sponsor. And I said, okay. And I said, well, I'll get it done. He said, I want you to do it a specific way. I want you to do it according to the big book about Clex Anonymous. And I want it done. I want you to make plans to fly to California. I still live in Nebraska then. And I want you to read that to me. Well, my mind flips from the hell with the inventory. I'm going to California, you know. That's all I think about. Anyway, obviously, I didn't get that inventory done. And I flew out to California, walked into my sponsor's office at the midnight mission. And he said, where's your inventory? I said, well, I didn't get it done. I thought he just, oh, well, next week, my dear, you know. And I thought he would, I thought, I have never seen him so mad at anybody before ever. And I thought he was going to drop his dentures. I really did. He was so mad at me. And he said, you get in that boardroom and get that inventory written. Or you can fly yourself back to Nebraska and find yourself a different sponsor. And I thought, oh, I mean, you know, our book talks about we finally hit a wall here. You know, where you can no longer lie, steal, or cheat your way out of. And I was in that corner, let me tell you. And I knew I had to get it done. He said, you get in there and get busy. And he came in there one time. And I was just sitting there pondering the whole thing. And he said, if I walk in here one more time and that pen's not on the paper, I'm done with you, Karen. And I'm not playing games with you. And I started writing my inventory. And I know what that inventory is about. It's about the exact nature of my wrongs. And I just didn't want to get it done if he wanted to. I don't know anybody that does, do you? But I got it done. And I took that notorious ride up to Oxnard, California that night with my sponsor. And we read it by flashlight, you know. Clancy thinks if you're moving in a car that your babies are more honest because they can't see the sponsor's face. He's driving. But anyway, I read my inventory to my sponsor. And, you know, he didn't even bat an eye, you guys. And we pinpointed like 280 amends I needed to make. And it was just a great day. It was just, you know. And I told my sponsor, I said, I don't feel good about that. I thought you were supposed to feel good when you read an inventory of your sponsor. And he said, where did you hear that from? And I said, well, I've heard a lot of people talk about it, how they feel so wonderful. And he said, you know, Karen, I'm going to tell you something. He said, I didn't feel good when I read mine to my sponsor. It showed me exactly what I was about. He said, you feel good when you make your amends here. That's what it's about. The meat of the program is in those amends and stuff. And he said, so I wouldn't worry about what other people say from podiums. Why don't you just go from your own personal experience and so forth. He said. And he's not doing anything wrong. So he said, get busy on those amends. And, you know, you guys, I was $86,000 in debt when I got sober and alcoholics anonymous. And I saw no way out of that, let me tell you. And I wanted to file bankruptcy. Everybody around me was filing bankruptcy. Why can't I? My sponsor said, then get a different sponsor. You're paying your bills back. You're paying this money back. And so I figured out a way to do that. And, like, last April I made my last payment to Nebraska of $800. And I'm $86,000 in debt now, alcoholics anonymous. It only took me six months. I had 16 short years to do it, you know. But by God, I did it. And I know the sense of freedom as I stand here today. I just bought a brand-new car with a Bank of America loan. They didn't even question my loan. However, the guy that ran the numbers told me, he said, did you have a credit problem at one time? And I thought, baby, you have no idea. And I said, yeah, I sure did. And he said, but it all got paid back, he said, according to the computer. And I said, well, yeah, every cent's paid back. He said, that's all we care about. Get the car and go. You know, and I thought, I know the value of paying your bills here and stuff. And I know some people have to file bankruptcy, and I'm not debating that, you guys. But my sponsor told me, he said, you figure out a way to do it. It's a possibility for you. And so I'm so glad I could. And I never would have done that without sponsorship. I never would have done that. I would have filed bankruptcy and said, the hell with it, you know. And that man has taught me so many things that are so good for me, let me tell you. And anyway, he told me, he said, you know, start making your amends and stuff. And he said, the first one I want you to make here is probably going to be the hardest one you ever do. I had, a number of years ago, been to Las Vegas with a girlfriend of mine. And we'd traveled and worked together for many, many years. And I loved, she was my best friend in the whole world. And I stole 50 bucks out of her suitcase. No, it was $40 out of her suitcase. And because I ran short of cash, and I thought, well, I'm just going to borrow this and go win some money out of the slot machines. And then I'll pay it back to her. Well, you know, that never happens. And so, you know, I didn't have any money to pay it back. And, you know, she never said a word about that, you guys, over the years. And I thought about that every single day I was out there drinking. And years went by. And it was just eating my lunch. And I know it sounds really petty, but it wasn't petty to me. Let me tell you. And I've done a lot worse things than that. But anyway, he said, I want you to call that woman up and give her that $40 back and tell her what you have done. And I thought, oh, my God. And, you know, she had never said a word to me about it. And he said, Karen, get it done. The step says we make direct demands, go make an appointment with her, get over there and talk to her. And I got the 12 by 12 out. And I tried to pretty this whole thing up. What can I say to make it better than it is? And he got so tired of me calling him and asked me funny, hung the phone. He says, take the goddamn money. Knock on the door. Hand it to her. Tell her you're sorry and walk away. He said, quit making such a big deal out of this. You know? So anyway, he said, don't call me until you do it. And that was the end of that. So now I had to do it, right? So I called her up. And she said, well, come on over. And I just shook the whole way over there, you guys. You have no idea. Anyway, I walked in her house. And she said, how are you doing? It's so good to see you. And I said, great. And I said, you know, Patty, I've got to tell you something. I said, remember we went to Vegas that one time and I stole $40 out of your suitcase. And I'd like to pay that back to you. And I'm so sorry. What can I do to make that right? And she looked at me and she said, you know, I knew that you did that. And I said, why didn't she say something? And she said, because I didn't want to lose my best friend. And I thought, oh, my God. I mean, I just sat there with tears in my eyes. And she said, you know, I don't want the money. You need it more than I do. And I said, no. It was like fire in my hands. I said, no. I want you to have it. And I did, too, by God. And anyway, she said, well, I'll put it in my grandson's little piggy bank. And I thought, oh, that made me feel worse for some reason. And I said, no. But that was fine, whatever she wanted to do. And I left that woman's house that day. And you guys, I want to tell you what I experienced. You know, it was fall time in Nebraska, and we have really pretty falls in Nebraska. But I walked out of that woman's house, and I have never seen the sky bluer. I have never seen the grass greener. The clouds were absolutely just magnificent. And I felt the serenity, the inner peace, the peace of mind, that those promises. And I was in awe of Alcoholics Anonymous. I thought, this is just too hokey for me. Can I handle this, you know? I mean, I felt better than I had ever felt ever drinking or using drugs. And that's quite a statement to make, you guys. It really is. And so I know that this thing is just dynamite when you finally do what you're supposed to do. But I still balk at every single amend I've ever had to make in Alcoholics Anonymous. You know, our Chapter 5 says we balk at these steps, you know. And balk isn't quite the word I use, I can tell you. But anyway, another amend my sponsor pinpointed for me was many, many years ago, I found myself coming out of a blackout in Winnipeg, Canada. And the last I knew, I was in... Fargo, North Dakota, this is a boyfriend of mine. I took his car and drove off in a blackout, you know. I didn't know that car was stolen. And I don't know how you report a stolen car stolen, but he did, you know. And I've always had bad perceptions of reality my whole life. And I always think of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police on horses chasing you. I don't know they drive cars, you know. Anyway, I was going about 90 miles an hour and I was obviously drunk and stuff. And I thought, what am I doing here? How did I get here? Winnipeg, how did I get over the border? I don't remember any of it. And that's scary. I used to always come out of blackouts and be just terrified. One would think you'd stop doing it, wouldn't you? It didn't stop me at all. Anyway, I got pulled over by this Mountie. And, you know, these guys are really nice people until you screw around with them, let me tell you. And this guy walked up to my car and he said, good evening, miss. May I see your driver's license? And, you know, every time I'm in trouble, I'll do one thing more to make it worse every single time. And I said, I don't live in your country and you can't tell me what to do. Don't ask me that. That's all. That's a bad move to make, let me tell you. And I found out you could exit a car more than one way that night, I'll tell you. And he pulled me right out the side view mirror, you know, practically. Anyway, I took my purse along with me and I had this zipper on my purse and I had a little chain on it. And I hit him in the forehead with it. And the blood just flew, you guys. It just flew. And long story short, I went to jail and spent ten days in jail after my family had to get an attorney up from Nebraska to get me out of jail. It cost me about $10,000 to get out of that. And I just pretty much said, oh, well. He shouldn't have said that to me. It wasn't my fault, the Mounties' fault. I mean, I can't believe how we think. I really can't. It always amazes me. But anyway, I read that to my sponsor and he said, you find that guy and make amends to him. And I said, you know what, Clancy, when I was in jail up there, his brother is in AA and he came to visit me. That Mounties' brother was like 25 or 20 years sober and alcoholics and he came to visit me. And he said, can I help you in any way? And I said, yeah, you can get out of here. That's what you can do. And I just was not ready for AA. But I never forgot that man. He planned a seat for me. I have never forgotten that man. I have never forgotten him. I thought, why would anybody do that? Why would they spend time with people they don't know and so forth? And it impressed me, but at the same time I was just too arrogant about the whole thing to even deal with it. But anyway, I read that to my sponsor. He said, find that Mountie and make amends to him. And so I called up. And, you know, I had no problem doing that. I know what happens when you make amends here. And I called up. It was the last amend I needed to make in Alcoholics Anonymous from the wreckage of my past. And I called Canada. And they said, you know, Miss, we destroyed those records after five years. We have no idea who you're even talking about. And I said, well, I don't know. And they said, oh, but you have to help me. This is the only way I can find out. And they said, we're so sorry. We have no idea. We don't keep anything about it. And I didn't have the paperwork. I threw it away a long time ago and stuff. But anyway, my sponsor told me, he said, Karen, shut up about it. You tried to do it. The steps is we tried. You know, he said, you've done the best you can do. If it's supposed to be, it will be someday. You know, quit worrying about it. But just keep seeking. You know, just keep seeking the whole situation. And so anyway, about six weeks ago, I boarded a flight out of LAX to fly to Calgary, Canada. And every time I go up there to give a talk, the hair stands up on my neck. I'm always afraid they're going to keep me for some reason. And I know that mess was cleaned up, but it always scares me to go up there. And anyway, I boarded that flight. And there's this guy sitting next to me. I said hi to him. And I sat down. I really don't like to talk to people on airplanes because I bring my dirty books with me. And I like to read them. And I don't want to be bothered. But Chapter 5 says we're not saints, folks. Believe me, I can testify to that. But anyway, I said hi to this guy. And I sat down. And I won't mention the airline, but they fly in the friendly skies. And I said, well, I'm going to fly. And we had a mechanical failure to LAX. And we were down an hour and a half more than we thought we were going to be. And by the time we got in the air, San Francisco held us four times. We had to make connections there. And we ran out of fuel, had to land in San Jose. And obviously, the whole plane missed their connections. And people were just in a rage, I must tell you guys. I mean, I was mad too. But I'll tell you, I was the most well-behaved one on that airplane, I've got to tell you. I mean, what's the point in getting mad? What can you do about it? And so we landed the plane and got the fuel. And by this time, the stewards were walking around drinking coffee. And I said, well, I'm going to fly. And they said, well, I'm going to get you a cup of coffee. And not offering anybody any. And I thought, how dare you? And it really made me, and now I was in a rage. It doesn't take much for me to get in a rage. And my sponsors taught me, you better do something different when you're in a rage. You had better start being a service to somebody or changing your actions. Because you're going to get yourself in big trouble with your temper. And so I asked this old guy sitting next to me, he had a cast on his leg. And I said, can I get you a cup of coffee? And he said, well, that would be lovely. And he said, you look so familiar to me. I said, really? And he said, yeah, you do. And I said, oh, I wonder why. So I got him his coffee. And I sat down. And he said, what are you going to Canada for? And I said, well, actually, I'm going to go up there and give an AA talk. And he said, really? He said, my brother's in AA. I said, wow. And he said, he's like 43 years sober or whatever. And I said, oh, that's wonderful. My sponsor's going to be 42 years sober. And he said, well, who's your sponsor? And I told him his name. And he said, oh, I've heard Clancy talk. I went to a conference one time. My brother in Clancy was speaking. And I said, small world, isn't it? And he said, yeah, it really is. And he said, why do you look so familiar to me? I said, I have no idea. And he said, did you ever get in trouble in Canada? And I said, well, yeah, as a matter of fact, I did. And this started getting really weird for me, you guys. And I thought, this can't be. I wonder. I just wonder. And I said, I presume that you're retired. And he says, well, yeah. And I said, what did you do for a living? He said, I was a Mountie. And I said, where at? And he said, Winnipeg. And you guys, the hair on my neck stood up, I'm telling you. And I got tears in my eyes. I thought, this is a one in two or three million shot or whatever. And he said, well, I'm not going to Canada. And I said, what did you do in Canada? He said, what are you crying for? And I said, I don't know. I said, let me tell you my story, and I'll tell you what happened. And I told him what happened. And he lifted up a lock of hair. And there was a scar from 25 years ago. And I had found my Mountie, you guys. I had found him. And I said, oh, I can't believe this. And this guy thought I was just crazy is what he thought. I was sitting there sobbing practically. We really are dramatic, aren't we? But anyway, I said, I'm so sorry I did that. And he said, well, Karen, you paid my hospital bill. Forget it. Forget about it. And I said, no, that's not the point here. What can I do to make it right? And he said, well, nothing. Forget about it. And he said, all right, why don't you wait on me the rest of the trip if that makes you feel better? And I said, OK, I'd be more than happy then. He said, let's call my brother. I said, let's do it. And he said, well, get your credit card out. There's the telephone. What is it, $13 a minute or whatever? I was delighted to do that, let me tell you. That's what he wanted me to do. I was delighted to do it. And so we called his brother. And his brother was so excited. I was so excited. I can't begin. And he said, let me talk to Karen. He said, young lady, I am so happy that you're sober now. He said, you give your home group my love. It was just a wonderful experience, you guys, and so forth. But anyway, this man and I continued talking stuff. And he told me, he said, me and the rest of the cops used to get together, and we'd talk about the crazy women we'd arrested over the years. And you were by far the craziest. You were always my number one story, my dear. And he said, I'm so glad I got to meet you. And we're writing right now. We write letters back and forth. And I sent him a picture of my grandkids. He wanted to see my grandbabies. And I thought, we're really getting carried away with this. But whatever he needs me to do, I'm more than happy to do that for him. So see what happens in Alcoholics Anonymous. But I want to point something out here. If United Airlines hadn't had mechanical failure, if we hadn't been held by San Francisco or blah, blah, blah, that may have never happened. Sometimes the seemingly good comes out of the seemingly bad if I would just seek it, if I would just be of service or do what I need to do to make myself feel better or act better or whatever. So I'm so glad this is over for me, you guys. I can't begin to tell you. My amends are made here. I have no more except for the current stuff I do. And I do enough of that to keep me busy. But anyway, I wanted to share that story with you guys. I hate to be a bragging grandmother this morning, but I hate people that do this. I hate people that do it. But when it's my grandchild, it's a whole different story, let me tell you. Things in my family are very, very good as I stand here today. And because of amends and support. And because of amends and so forth. And they've seen me stay sober and therefore they became willing to have me part of their lives again. And I have got five of the most gorgeous grandbabies you have ever seen before in your life. And I have a particular one, his name is Ryan. And Ryan is 11 years old. And he's just a nice kid, you guys. I don't know where it came from, I got to tell you. But he's just a nice young man. And anyway, little Ryan apparently is quite a little gymnast. And I knew he was good, but I didn't know he was that good. And my son and his wife got a phone call from Budweiser out of St. Louis, Missouri wanting to sponsor this kid and train him for the next year. And my son called me and he said, Mom, what do you think? And my kids rarely ask me for advice, you guys, I got to tell you. And I jumped from phone call to Olympic Stadium, gold medal around his neck, and what will I wear? And it happened just that quick for me. And I didn't have to think about that. He kicked in for me one more time and I found myself saying, Jeff, he's your child. You have to do what you think is best. And he said, Mom, what do you think? We don't know what to do. He's so little. He's so little to go away. And I said, I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good dad. I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good mom. And I wanted to shriek at him and say, it's the opportunity of a lifetime, you idiot. Let him go. But I did not say that. I said, you have to do what you think is right. And I said, we have a friend there in Nebraska who's a child psychologist. And I said, why don't you have Chris come over and talk to Ryan and see what he thinks? And so Jeff and Lori did exactly that. And that child psychologist told my son and his wife, let him go. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. He's a very stable young man, so forth. So my little grandson is down in Norman, Oklahoma right now, trained at Nadia Comaneci and Bart Connors Clinic down there. And I don't know what's going to happen with that. But I'll tell you what. I'll tell you guys something. It makes no difference what happened. I'm so proud of him. I can't begin to tell you. And he called me on my 18th AA birthday on May the 30th, this last May. And he called me about 10, 30 nights. He says, grandmother, this is Ryan. He said, I'm so sorry to call you. I've been so busy all day. He said, happy AA 18th birthday. Now, I'm going to tell you guys something. That kid has never seen me drink. He has never seen me drink. But he knows how important this is to me. And he said, we are so proud of you, grandma. And I thought, I wonder why. But they really mean that. He said. I think he came to hear me talk one time. And his mouth was just a dog. And I probably shouldn't have done that. If I did it over again, I probably wouldn't take him. But anyway, he got to meet the people in AA. And maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe they should be there. I don't know. But he was just in shock, sort of. But I've been taught to tell the truth from podiums. I don't care who's sitting in the room. But anyway, things are so good. And that phone call alone, by that phone call alone, I had been overpaid. And I'll call Exonymous. Let me tell you guys. If I get nothing else out of this program, I have been overpaid as I stand here today. And I'm so happy in my life. I really mean that. And I'm happy with my sobriety. I'm fired. I'll call Exonymous one more time this weekend. And I'm just in love with you is basically what I'm trying to say. But I don't always love you. Trust me. Sometimes I hate you. I hate you so bad. I don't want to go to your meetings. I don't want to talk to my sponsor. I don't want to talk to the women I sponsor. I just want to sit there and self-pity over some crap I've gotten myself into or whatever. But thank God I've had a sponsor that has taught me. I don't care how you feel about it. I don't care how you feel about anything. I don't care what you think, how you feel. I care about what you do. Now get off your butt and get to the meeting. You know? Those things have saved my life here. And so Dave talked about that last night when he lost his job and how he kept on keeping on no matter what was going on in his life. And it saved him. And I know that's true, boy. I know it from my own experience, from his experience, from everybody I know in the A's experience. So if you're new here today, we don't really care how you feel. We care about what you do. And I hope that you get a sponsor that feels that way too. But anyway, you know, you guys, when I was growing up in Nebraska, I was raised in the state of Nebraska. I was just a disruptive jerk is what I was. Always in trouble. Always kicked out of classrooms. I hated discipline. I was very, very rebellious. I hated people telling me what to do. And I like it even less today, if you want to know the truth. And, you know, I never felt like I belonged anywhere. I hear that a lot from A podiums, and I'm right on with that 125%, I got to tell you. You know, I really don't remember my first drink, you guys. But I can tell you that I hope to God I never forget my last one. And I hope it was my last one. But I remember what alcohol did for me from the very beginning. It made me feel like I belonged. And I could be anything I wanted. I could be anything I wanted to be. I could do anything I wanted to do. I drank at any given opportunity after that. And I was probably about 13 years old. You know, I realize that I'm in a meeting of alcoholics this morning. And I honored this podium by talking about alcoholism up here. I used a lot of drugs, too. And you know, a small part of my story, my sponsor encourages me to do that. And, you know, when I was growing up in Nebraska, there just wasn't a lot of drugs on the street. But I'll guarantee you I found every single one of those drugs. And, you know, there was some marijuana and speed and stuff. And today if you get caught for possession of marijuana, you get a ticket, big deal. When I was growing up, you went to prison is what happened to you. And that didn't scare me. Nothing scared me. I think I wasn't supposed to be doing it. I'm one of these alcoholic females. And I hate to say this from an A podium, but it's precisely the way that it was for me. And we're supposed to tell the truth up here. If you pat me on the head, my pants fall off is what happens to me. And I got myself into a lot of trouble when I was growing up. I absolutely love men. I love everything about them. You know about them. I love them. They've been the downfall of my entire existence. And they remain the same today, I'm sorry to say. And I particularly love them. I think you like sick men. And there's a room full of them here today. I can feel it, I'll tell you. I have to tell you guys what happened to me. I love to tell this story. I have this wonderful man in my life. And this guy is a neurosurgeon in Manhattan at Columbia Hospital. And he was a visiting professor at UCLA where I work. And I heard all the nurses raving about this guy, this 56-year-old guy that is so good looking. The nurses were just chasing him down. And I thought, why don't you just get your work done and quit working? Why don't you just get your work done and quit working? And I thought, why don't you just get your work done and quit working? And he said, I'm not worried about men. I'm not into that so much as I used to be. But anyway, this guy walked up to me and he was introduced to me. And I thought, oh my God, I know what they're talking about. I mean, he was good looking, let me tell you. And he's not married. And why not? And anyway, I thought, quit gawking at him. And I introduced myself. And I'm in charge of that operating room. So I introduced myself. And I said, welcome to UCLA. And how long will you be here? And he said, six months. I said, great. Have a good time while you're here. And I just basically left and did my work. And anyway, about two hours later, this guy walked up to the desk and he said, I'd like to ask you to have coffee with me. And I said, why would I do that? I don't even know you. And he said, well, for Christ's sakes, I have credentials. And I said, well, I don't care what you have. I don't know you. Well, it was a strange man. Oh please. And I said, I'm not going to ask you to have coffee with me. And he said, yeah, I do. I don't anymore anyway he said well can't we just have a cup of coffee I said okay eventually I said okay he said how about this weekend I said well I can't do it this weekend because I'm out speaking somewhere and he looked at me really weird and he said well how about next weekend I said I can't I'm speaking somewhere it was the truth I was and he said well what are you talking about nursing and I said no he said then what are you talking about and I said alcoholism he said Karen are you an AA I said well yeah I am and he said I'm 33 years sober and I thought Jesus Christ I'm dealing with the old timer the gigs up here and anyway long story short here I started dating this man and he's just a lovely man you guys I gotta tell you this man's asked me to be his wife and no I don't want to get married I'm sorry but I don't I don't do well being married I just want to have a good time with him and just have fun I said why do you have to do this can't we just have a good time you know and he said well you know I'm in love with you anyway you know we get along so well and I'll tell you why he lives in New York I live in LA we see each other once a month or twice a month or whatever and I wanted to stay that way you know I don't want to see somebody every day I just am past that point in my life where I want to be married I've done that been there done that no thank you I'm done with that and he doesn't get it you know and I talked to him before I flew up here and he said you know what he said well what are you going to do if I start dating somebody else I said knock yourself out bang and the phone went dead you know and he called me he said I didn't mean that Karen I said then what did you say it for you know I said please don't say that to me anymore you know I don't want to get married I love you dearly but I want to get married so I don't know I mean I have him in my life much longer I don't know but you know what I've had a great time with this guy he's just been a gentleman to me and one of the few gentlemen I've dated in my life I got to tell you and he's just a tremendous example of alcoholics he got sober when he was in medical school he was a good guy was doing a lot of drinking went to medical school at Columbia and two of his professors took him and drugged him to the old mustard seed group in New York City he's had the same sponsor for 33 years and goes to four meetings a week he's done that for 33 years of his sobriety and you know he sponsors a lot of guys there but he has a real low profile now called Exonymous you know but I'll tell you something he helps a lot of people I've met them and they adore him let me tell you guys and you know he came from a home there in New York he was adopted his mom and dad were killed when he was two years old in a car accident and his mom and dad adopted someone six more kids and they were just lovely people and so forth and he was so kind to his parents and that's what I love about him the most he brought his mom and dad a home on Long Island and I've been to that home his mom and dad are dead now and so forth but you know what a tremendous example he has been to me he's not my sponsor obviously but I mean what an example he's been to me of what can happen for you if you want to take the actions in Alcoholics Anonymous but anyway I wanted to share that you know my life never ceases to amaze me it continues to be very very exciting here if I continue doing what I'm supposed to be doing and stuff but anyway I got pregnant when I was a little girl and I was a little girl when I was 16 years old and I had to get married and all this kind of stuff and I married a guy that used to come home and beat the hell out of me on a daily basis and we did not get see why I don't want to get married again you guys but anyway anyway we had two beautiful kids as a result of that marriage and by the time I was 17 years old I had two babies you know and it was like the blind leading the blind let me tell you neither one of us had a job we had no education it was just very very difficult let me tell you and as I stand here today I know who put myself in that position I put myself there you know but anyway somebody had to work and I had to work and I found a job as a nurse's aide there in Nebraska and I fell in love with nursing and I made a plan to myself I would love to go to school I'd love to become a registered nurse that's what I would love to do and you know they say that alcoholics don't have willpower and I'm here to tell you from this podium that that is a bunch of crap I have more willpower than 20 elephants when I want to do well I'm going to do well I don't have one ounce of willpower when it comes to my disease but when I want to do something I'm going to do it and I went back I finished junior high I finished high school I went to college full time for three years and I worked full time for three years and I'm talking about 18-20 hours a day you guys and that is hard stuff to do I did not drink not use any drugs during this period of time at the age of 27 years old I became a registered nurse and if you think I'm proud to stand here and tell you this morning that I got jerked in front of the State Board of Nursing Nebraska and they tell me you are a disgrace to your profession you're a disgrace to nursing you're a disgrace to medicine you are no longer working because we just jerked your nursing license if you think I'm proud of that you are sadly wrong you guys I love my profession and I really really mean that and I would never do anything to jeopardize the people I take care of nor the people I work with in ordinary circumstances and what I had to tell you today is a story about how I threw it right down the toilet so I could drink and that is total insanity it's also called alcoholism at the age of 27 years old I divorced this man and girls I gotta tell you a whole new world opened up to me and it's called men and alcohol and I went absolutely hog wild is what I did I was engaged eight times during that divorce I never did marry these people two of them died from alcoholism for Christ sakes I don't know anything about social drinking I drank I went with alcoholics and we do indeed die from this and at the age of 27 years old I went to work in surgery at a hospital there in Lincoln and I had that job for 19 years I love working in the operating room I love taking care of those patients it's a colorful exciting nursing position I drank ran with medical people mostly they were colorful intense people they worked hard and they played hard and I need to tell you guys that the incidence of alcoholism amongst my profession is tremendously high and that would do a lot for your security if you're going to have surgery next week that has to be very very true and those people are so grateful that I'm sober that they can't see straight and I'm talking about alcoholics is what I'm talking about you know in our big book about alcoholics it says clearly that we're to tell in the general way what our drinking was like and you're going to get the general idea real quick of what my drinking was like I can tell you guys about my drinking in about 5 seconds but I can tell you the truth many many years ago I was at a concert in upstate New York called Woodstock that's exactly what my drinking was like it was all about Woodstock that Woodstock they had 3 or 4 summers ago was a piece of crap compared to the one I went to there will never be another Woodstock trust me on that the kids in the 60's threw a party that nobody will ever match I am quite sure and New York got wind they're going to have this big event and they told these people if you don't get medical coverage you're not going to have this concert so they started hiring people from the Midwest because they thought they'd be more responsible and we were a seedy lot I can assure you and I was the first alcoholic scientist to find 9 girls I worked with to join me we met about 80 doctors from the east coast and they were at Woodstock I'd never seen so much alcohol in one place in my entire life you could have sold a battleship with no problem whatsoever and the drugs it was like a candy store and we were sharing narcotics along with everybody else and anyway we had this great big semi truck on the back lot of Woodstock and that was our hospital park back there and I'll not recall being that semi the entire week but I do recall what it was like to stand on the stage at night that Richie Haven sang Freedom and Joe Cochran Country Joe and Santan those groups that I love I come from the roaring 60's you guys and I love rock and roll let me tell you things have not changed in my life one little tiny bit I loved Elvis Presley and Janis Joplin was my lady let me tell you wouldn't Janis Joplin have been a fine member of Alcoholics on a Miss you guys I'd have hung out with Janis let me tell you I'd have traded Janis for Clancy any day of the week if you wanted the truth that's the biggest lie I ever told I wouldn't trade my sponsor for anybody I really wouldn't but you know drinking for me at one time was a fun thing you guys it would be a lie for me to stand this morning and say anything but that but I cannot remember the fun after the pain that it caused me and one more time I am so grateful for this program I can't begin to tell you and you're going to soon see why and stuff but you know anyway long story short I don't want to spend a lot of time on my drinking you guys I want to get into these steps and stuff but anyway you know my sponsor told me a long time ago he said you have got one of the worst drinking histories I've ever heard from a woman in Alcoholics Anonymous and you have got to do every single thing that we offer here in order to stay sober and you've got to do it and do it big time and you know AA literally is the center core of my very existence you guys and every one of our speakers here today I mean I know that Benoit's in Al-Anon but I know that Al-Anon's the very center core I know they feel that way I've heard them talk about that before and stuff but anyway you know I'm going to give you one or two really quick drinking stories and get my recovery here you know after the drunk driving charges and the bad checks all the stuff that we eventually do you know my kids were in trouble and I thought to myself you know I need to get married to my ex-husband again that's what I need to do that was my next brilliant thought I'll tell you and you know the kids need their dad and besides that I need to get even with him for all the things that he's done to me and those are not very good reasons to get married again I've got to tell you and I'm certainly not proud as I stand here today and you know if anybody in this room is thinking about getting married to the same person twice don't do it you're going to be sorry the only way I can describe it is like taking a bite out of the same turd twice if you will I'm sorry but that's the way I feel and I danced that man through three of the most miserable years of his life on the face of this earth and I love to tell you guys it's a storm but I love to tell you and my sponsor always tells me that is not funny and you should not be telling that from AA podiums and I said okay fine then I won't tell anymore and he said no go ahead and tell those people see how sick you really were and apparently how sick you really still are and I'm still sick and I still think it's funny and I'm telling the story when I married him again I told him I said if you ever hit me again buddy I'll kill you next time you hit me and he said I'll never hit you again ever and I said you better see that you don't and he lied is what he did and he came home drunk one night and I happened to be sober this night for some reason and I'll never know why because I usually wasn't and girls you know what guys do when they come home drunk they want to take you to bed and stuff and I was not buying it there's anything I can't stand at some drunk man mall on me when I'm sober and I will say that when the shoes under the foot though it's fine with me and that guy came home and indicated that to me and I said you get your hands off me and leave me alone I wanted nothing to do with him period and he broke my arm is what he did and I'm here to tell you guys that I was pissed as a matter of fact I'm still pissed about it if you want to know the truth and I told him I said you go to sleep on that couch and so help me God when you wake up you're going to wish you'd never been born and he sat up for hours you guys his eyes probably opened and as it must be he finally passed out and and and he said and I started drinking martinis and this is a classic example of what alcohol did for me alcohol told me what to do I didn't tell it what to do and I had about eight ten martinis and I was feeling no pain I can assure you and I was sitting there watching this guy and I hate to tell you what this man was doing but I can't tell you the story unless I tell you what he was doing he was laying on the couch playing with himself and I thought you disgusting man you make me sick to my stomach and the more I drank the madder I got and you guys you know I'm a nurse and I'm very familiar with male anatomy and I'd be very familiar with male anatomy if I was a nurse and I'd be very familiar if I wasn't a nurse but anyway I thought to myself what can I do to get even with this guy for all the things that he's done to me and I came with this brilliant idea in my drunken stupor that's one thing we should never do folks is drink and think at the same time I gotta tell you this is many many years ago you guys when super glue first came out and super glue was powerful stuff you didn't want to screw around with super glue and I got that super glue I remember the directions on that super glue and like I said I was drunk and I wasn't seeing very clearly and what I thought those directions said were if this hits human skin you better get it off within 15 hours now why would it say something stupid like that what it said in fact is if this hits human skin you better get it off within 5 minutes is what it said and I went over to this guy and I poured super glue all over this guy's groin and I mean everywhere there was not one place in this man not to have super glue and I laughed about it and I went to bed and I woke up in the morning to screams of horror like you cannot even believe and you know I did not mean to hurt this guy as bad as I did and I swear to God that's true but I'll tell you what happened to my ex-husband this guy never had the advantage of being circumcised when he was born and now he clearly was I can assure you and we had a telephone by our bed there and our bed in there and he called the police and the cops are in front of their home with their sirens going there was an ambulance out there the neighbors were gawking out of their windows and one thing you guys got to keep in mind here they did not see things like this happen in Nebraska in California it wouldn't surprise me one bit but certainly not there and the cops were laughing which led me the whole thing was funny and they said lady are you crazy or what why would you do something like this and you guys I looked at those cops and I said what makes you think that I did it anyway I was only standing there with glue on my hands for Christ's sakes and they said you're under arrest for assault and battery and I said you cannot arrest wives in Nebraska for assault and battery against their husbands I knew better than that and two days later when I got out of jail I guess I didn't know better than that and they took that man the very hospital that I worked at in surgery and he had to have surgery and one more time the whole staff saw what Karen did and they took me to jail I might add and it turned out to be a terrible terrible thing those doctors there in Lincoln couldn't get that glue off and they do two surgeons now from Creighton University Medical School in Omaha, Nebraska to get that glue off and there's a paper in about that at Creighton and anybody in this room is thinking about going to medical school you can read about it if you want to I'd always wanted a paper in about me but not like this I gotta tell you and I was sitting in that jail thinking to myself I am getting out this marriage when this guy comes home from the hospital he's gonna glue something of mine shut and he would have too I'm sorry but he would have and for those of you who don't know this that happened to a lady in Kentucky about three years ago it was on the national news and I was on the Santa Monica freeway driving home from work I had a wreck when I heard it I thought my God better her than me I gotta tell you but anyway you know on the brighter sidelines here today alcoholic son like we talked about earlier has an immense step in this program and my sponsor made me get on the airplane and fly to Sacramento, California make amends to my ex-husband where he currently lives and I tried to tell my sponsor I'm not sorry that I did that therefore I don't have to make the amends he said I don't care whether you're sorry or not get on that airplane and get there and do what I'm asking you to do and maybe one of these days you will be sorry I'm not telling anybody in this room today when that guy sees me he kind of backs up let me tell you but we were able to sit down and talk and stuff and I made my amends to him and I will tell you guys one more time I walked away from that guy and I felt the promises of alcoholic son every single minute I've made I felt him and stuff but anyway we're on talking terms today we have a good relationship actually I don't want anything to do with him other than that but he's still my children's father I honor that and I think that's very important that I do that and stuff I have to tell you guys something funny Larry our speaker tonight Larry I arrived here yesterday and he says he told Jimmy he said I super glued my glasses and I can't get them apart and he needed to fix his glasses he said well wait until Karen gets here she'll know what to do well oh Karen couldn't undo it he had to take it downstairs to the maintenance people but he finally got his glasses anyway you guys I was speaking this is I love to tell this story I was speaking up at Lompoc Prison in Northern California it's a federal men's penitentiary and they had this speaker meeting once a month and they always have somebody come in and so forth and I was driving through the gate and they had this great big guard tower there and you have to push a button and they say who are you and what is your business and so forth and I told them who I was I was here for the A.A. and they said well Mrs. Garrison do you have any guns on you firearms explosives blah blah blah and I said no I don't and they said well Mrs. Garrison do you have any super glue on you and those guys were not in A the A.A. people put them up to it and for the first time in my life I was absolutely speechless you guys I said well no I don't have any and they said well then come on in you can hear them laughing up at the tower you never know what's going to happen here let me tell you but anyway I got involved with the most bizarre man I divorced this guy one more time and got involved with this poor guy this man I'm about to tell you about is dead from a disease of alcoholism he died when he was 36 years old and I was dying right along with him I got to tell you guys but anyway he told me he was in the mafia nobody in Nebraska is in the mafia for Christ sakes and he was lying to me I was like you know what I'm saying I was lying to him it was a typical alcoholic nightmare drinking on a daily basis I was taking Valium for severe tremors I was starting to have it was beginning to be no more fun I got to tell you guys you know I'm a nurse and I've studied alcoholism and I knew all about it before I became one and it shows me one more time today what our book says is true self knowledge avails us nothing with this disease it's action that counts nowhere in the big book of alcoholic synonymous do we have a chapter called into thinking but we do have one that's called into action and that is the only reason I'm standing here 18 years sober and the day came and the hospital told me we've had it out of you Karen you either go into a treatment center or you no longer have this job well you guys you know what you don't tell people like me that stuff and I said you and what army's going to make me I walked out of a job that I love more than the whole world and I cannot say that enough today and I drank and I drank and I died and I died a thousand times over I went to work at a nursing home there in Lincoln and what I'm about to share with you guys is something I'm not proud to discuss from any AA podium it took me years to my sobriety before I would ever mention this I found myself still in drugs in that nursing home I was still in morphine and dimerol and cocaine and valium and I'd get my damn hands on and the reason I was doing that it's not that I liked to take drugs that much it's that I couldn't drink and I literally would go into severe severe withdrawal you guys after about three hours of the alcohol in my bloodstream it was just merely to keep me so I could work let me tell you it was not fun for me to do this and I hated myself so bad I can't begin to tell you and stuff but my valium prescriptions had run out in Lincoln Nebraska I had five at one time and every one of those doctors that all happened at once either get in here and see us or we're not renewing these scripts and so here I was in that corner and our book talks about how the alcoholic feels like Dave talked about it last night I'm going to die if I drink I'm going to die if I don't drink and that's the position I was in I understand that let me tell you but anyway the day came and the people that ran that place came up to me and they said Karen what is wrong with you you are just weird is what you are you take good care of the patients you're a good nurse and stuff but you're just strange and I remember thinking to myself you'd be strange too if you had 200 milligrams of dimerol on board you'd be strange too and I threw narcotic keys at them and I walked out the door before they fired me and I went to work at Bryan Memorial Hospital there in Lincoln and you guys it's a fine fine facility and I was drunk on that area I got that nursing position and I'm not talking about falling down drunk I was just maintaining a certain level of alcohol in my blood stream that I would not shake and have those violent tremors that is clearly desperation drinking our book describes it vividly and I was in hot water up to my yin yang let me tell you I was literally dying from this disease and I could not seem to stop it you guys and long story short I got caught stealing drugs in that hospital they reported that to the state board of nursing and to make a long story shorter and shorter from here today I went up on the streets of Nebraska is what happened to me and you guys I spent two years on the streets and I traveled to the midwest I prostituted myself and I'll guarantee one thing that I have seen and done things that no woman should ever see her doing I'm still so sick in the head sometimes I think to myself I wouldn't mind seeing some of them again you know and my sponsor assures me I'm still a very ill person be thinking that kind of crap and you know I've been in nut houses I've been in deep detoxes I've been in jails I've been in institutions I cannot think of a thing that had me on those streets as a practicing female alcoholic things happened to me I would not repeat on this podium this morning but I'm sure that you had the general idea and two years went by for me and there I was back there in Lincoln standing on skid row sucking on a bottle of Mad Dog if you guys haven't drank Mad Dog I need to tell you it's not one of your finer wines I can assure you and I literally could not believe what was going on in my life you know how did this happen to me I never once wanted to be like this and this Hilton Hotel adjacent to that skid row area and I remember thinking two years ago I used to stand on top of the Hilton Hotel and drink martinis with surgeons what am I doing standing on skid row drinking with these people and I rather imagine those folks felt the same way when they arrived there like I said I can't tell you much about it at all I woke up in an intensive care ward the very hospital I was born at the very hospital I worked at for 19 years and I will tell you guys clearly that the alcoholic hell for me started the day I got sober you know I'm not a very big person I only weighed 95 pounds the day I got sober and I was coming off a quarter whatever a day and 200 milligrams of Valium a day that is a lot of booze that's a lot of pills and I had a lot of dying to let me tell you you know they say that most alcohol withdrawal is over within three days and perhaps it is for some people it certainly was not for me it was going to be a long long time before I was going to start feeling better and I laid in that intensive care ward I had tubes come out of my belly they were draining and flit off my liver I had IVs going and I found myself in withdrawal that was so bad I cannot begin to tell you guys and I laid in that intensive care ward and I shook and I shook and I died and I died for 30 solid days and I'd scream at those nurses and say you get me some Librium you get me some Valium you get me something this is absolutely inhumane to anybody she had this kind of withdrawal and they said Karen listen to us you need to fill every one of those tremors and maybe you'll never do it again there's not one single thing wrong with your heart we're not giving you one single drug for it but let me tell you what they did do for me and I will be forever grateful as long as I'm sober in this program they got about 10 members of Alcoholics Anonymous to come and sit with me and these people never left me day or night for 30 solid days and I really fell in love with these people and I want to tell you why there was nobody in my life that day I got sober my family wanted nothing to do with me they visited me too many times and I'm going to go through it one more time my mom who I absolutely adored had to be hospitalized because of me and put on tranquilizers my mom did not deserve that by a long shot and I have not forgotten that as I stand here today although my mom is dead I have to make constant living minutes for that woman I could do that by being a good member of AA and so forth but anyway I just love these people I want to point out something here very quickly and I don't want to insult anybody in this room please don't think I'm doing that at all it's just my thoughts here it's my experience that I need to talk about and you know I did not make that phone call to AA I want everybody to know that those people came on their own volition to see me those nurses called me and I hear people call them to ask me to ask them to please come and visit me you know left up to me I'd be dead let me tell you guys and you know I hear people saying AA all the time we don't go unless the alcoholic calls us really I feel sorry for you if you don't go I will tell you I am standing here 18 years sober ladies and gentlemen and I never called anybody and if I remember correctly I don't think that Dr. Bob ever called Bill Wilson I think Bill Wilson found him you know so you know my favorite commitment in all of Alcoholics Anonymous is my H&I panel at LA County Hospital it's a bedside panel I visit that once a month people are dying from alcoholism we go in and talk to them if they don't want to see us we leave but we give them the opportunity let me tell you we take literature and so forth and next month I'll go up there all those people will be dead and we'll have 30 new people saying I'm not an alcoholic get out of my room you know every once in a while we get people out of there you guys we have two members of my group the Pacific group that we pulled out of LA County Hospital so you know it makes no difference whether they get sober or not I get to see the situation I was in the day I got sober and it works for me so I hope that when somebody asks you someday you know would you talk to this person whether they want you to or not I hope that you make that attempt you know you got to do what you got to do I'm not knocking anybody but I know that for me whenever somebody gives me the opportunity I am out there I have to repay what's been given to me big time let me tell you but anyway I fell in love with these people and at 30 days of sobriety I walked in the official treatment program at that hospital I'm a product of a treatment center I have no opinion on one way or the other but apparently I went to a fine one because all they talked about was Alcoholics Anonymous and there's a lot of bad ones out there you guys let me tell you and thank God I went to a good one and let me tell you what I was like when I was 30 days sober I turned on you like you could not even believe when you started telling me what to do I just so desperately on day one but 30 days there was a whole different ball game let me tell you you know where I went through treatment a lot of people got kicked out of treatment for fraternizing I didn't nobody wants to fraternize with an orange person I can assure you they used to bring the patients over to the hospital and they'd say look at her see what's going to happen to you if you keep on drinking look at her and I thought how dare you bring people in my room and say stuff like that but you guys you know what in retrospect today I am really glad they did that I get to think about that before I pick up any drinks let me tell you remember how Dave talked last night about how Polly said how could you do this to me and the guy told her one of these days you're either going to love me if you don't stay sober it ain't going to make any difference and that's I think what they did that to me and stuff but anyway you meet people as you travel here that do things that are going to really piss you off let me tell you but you know what in retrospect I'm just so glad they did that kind of stuff for me but anyway I went to that treatment center I did not do well in there as a direct result of my bad behavior I was in an inpatient 30 day program for 7 months and I completed all that and I went to an outpatient program I went to an evening care program after care program blah blah blah found myself a very very active member of Alplex Thomas in Lincoln Nebraska and I wasn't doing one thing that you teach people in that A to do it I would tell the new people you don't need to read the book and you don't need a sponsor we can do what we want to do around here this is an individual program and needless to say I was not real popular with the old timers in Lincoln Nebraska you guys the old timers in A are so precious to me as I stand here this morning but not in 1982 I could have been careless with these people thought and you can pull your crap around here just for so long and these old timers are going to start nailing you one right after the other love the mean old timers in Alplex Thomas they at least saved my life let me tell you they are dying off right and left I got to tell you guys and they have taught me well and I'll be internally grateful I got to tell you but this old guy with 29 years of sobriety grabbed me out of an A one day and he said come outside I want to talk to you he said you stay away from the new people how dare you tell the new people in A they don't read the book and they don't need a sponsor he said you're like a typhoid Mary in A everybody dies around you but you're able to stay sober somehow he said you stay away from the new people and he went on to tell me there's going to be a man from California speaking in Coyne, Nebraska this weekend his name is Clancy you're going to go to this man's speaker and ask this man if he will sponsor you he is a master at dealing with jerks like you and I've heard all about Clancy and I want nothing to do with him period because I knew I was going to be in bad bad trouble and I got to tell you guys that my fears have been justified 8,000 times over and I told this old timer I said who do you think you are that you're going to tell me he's going to be my sponsor now for AXE Anonymous he said if you don't get in that car and go with us Saturday I'm going to tell her I've been linking how you stole money from an AA meeting and I'll guarantee I was in that car going to Coyne, Nebraska and I paid that money back too by the way and I will tell you guys from a podium in Coyne, Nebraska that Clancy literally put the magic of AXE Anonymous in my life my life has never been the same since that talk and there's a reason for that for the first time in my sobriety I was identifying with another alcoholic and as I understand AXE Anonymous that's what this thing is all about I know of no finer speaker in the world than my sponsor I'm not saying that you need to believe that it's only important that I believe that and by the end of that talk I wanted that man for my sponsor that ladies and gentlemen is how God works in my life I wouldn't have asked that man to sponsor me in a million years trust me I would have asked him and I found myself walking across that convention floor and asked that man to be my sponsor and he looked at me and he said I don't sponsor crazy people like you and that's a lie anyway he sponsors people crazier than I ever thought of being and I thought to myself what did he say that to me before he doesn't even know me and I wasn't aware of the fact this old timer called him two weeks prior to him coming to Nebraska and asked him if they brought me if he would talk and he said of course I will and he knew my game let me tell you and I was standing in my little white dress on my little white gloves on and acting like an angel and he saw right through my crap I got to tell you and thank God he saw through and he said Karen I don't like to sponsor people on long distance basis but I'm going to do this for you because if I don't do it for you you'll probably go die somewhere but he said I'm going to tell you something little girl and you better listen to me real good because I'm going to say it one time and one time only you're going to call me every day I tell you not to call me every day you're going to read that book you're going to sponsor people you're going to become an active member of Alcoholics Anonymous you're not going to argue with me you're not going to defend your actions to me you're going to do what I ask you to do and if you don't want to do that then get yourself a different sponsor and you guys you want to talk about we stood at the turning point this is the day when my recovery really did begin in Alcoholics Anonymous and I said two words that I almost fell over when I said them I said yes sir I don't tell people yes sir trust me I do not one more time God knew for me I can't do it for myself apparently respect's got to start with me somewhere I might as well start with my sponsor in Alcoholics Anonymous and I went back to Lincoln I became very very active in A&A in the right way one of my sponsors a lot of women in that town I'm not bragging about that it is not that much fun to sponsor 56 crazy women in Alcoholics Anonymous but I agree to love those women very very much and I'll tell you why they literally showed me the first four years of my sobriety what to do and what not to do in this program and every one of those women are still sober today with the exception of one and she died in a car accident when she was 13 years sober but she died sober you guys and it wasn't because of me they were active members of Alcoholics Anonymous and it wasn't long before my sponsor was telling me I want you to get that nursing license back and I tried to tell this man I cannot that kind of humiliation he said Karen are you arguing with me and I said no he said get the State Board of Nursing Nebraska tell those people that you've been sober in the A for a year and a half you got the opportunity to get your nursing license back and you guys I knew it wasn't going to work but I did it anyway and that's without a doubt the most important thing I can say in this room today I did what my sponsor asked me to do whether I thought it would work or not and I asked them for my license back and they looked at me like I had just grown horns on the top of my head I can assure you and they said how many links are you willing to go to and I had to do a lot you guys I had to take crap off people for two years that I wouldn't hire to mow my own lawn if you know the truth and I had to keep my mouth shut in the process too and one of the happiest days of my life occurred 15 years ago last April when one more time I was tricked in front of the State Board of Nursing Nebraska and what they told me brought me to my knees for the first time in Alcoholics Anonymous they said welcome home state as a registered nurse and as a gift from AA I do not deserve that but I intend to take it I got to tell you you know I went out to visit Southern California a few times I fell in love with Southern California AA I know that you feel the same way I do I believe I'm in the Mecca Bay in the whole world I'm sure you believe that too you should believe that we should all believe that in our respective areas but I told my sponsor on the phone one day I want to move to Los Angeles I want to live on that crazy Venice Beach with all those crazy people I knew I'd feel like a glove not been wrong about that the other year either I want to work at UCLA in the operating room be in two of their transplant teams their heart liver transplant teams I want this and I want that and every single one of those things have come true for me and those are all gifts from AA I don't deserve it but I intend to take it I got to tell you you know before I sit down here today I'm going to have just enough time to tell this story you guys you know this pretty much sums up sponsorship for me I love the topic of this conference this weekend I know of nothing more important to talk about now Alcoholics Anonymous than sponsorship because without sponsorship I'd have died from this disease I'd have just died in the water let me tell you I wouldn't have done a thing on my own let me tell you guys you know my sponsor taught me early on he said Karen where are you at with your spiritual program and I said I don't have a spiritual program I don't believe in God and he flipped open the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous and he said young lady you don't have to believe in anything you just got to start doing something in that area and he showed me where it says I get a daily reprieve contingent on a spiritual maintenance with a power greater than myself and he went on to tell me there's going to come a day in your sobriety when I can't help you AA can't help you and you better well have a God in your life you're going to be dead from the disease of alcoholism that's the part in the book where they talk about no mental defense it's got to come from a power no human power can relieve our alcoholism God couldn't what if you were Satan and I said alright what do you want me to do he said I want you to get on your knees in the morning and get on your knees at night and I want you to pray for God's will do not pray for things pray for God's will and the power to carry that out then get off your knees and start patterning your life to what you think God's will might be for you and I said well what is God's will and he said how the hell am I supposed to know I'm not God he said any A that tells you they know what God's will is I would suggest you get away from them very quickly he said I just believe that if I'm doing the right thing do what's in front of me to do that's perhaps God's will for me when I feel good about what I'm doing that is God's will apparently and so I thought I didn't understand any of this stuff you guys I just started doing it and he said why don't you answer the phone when it rings just for starters when I got sober I did not have a telephone you guys it took me a long time to get a telephone by the time I got one I didn't want to answer it was bill collectors you know but my sponsor taught me pick up the phone and deal with your problems we do not run from our problems here we run to our problems not from them and we do what we don't want to do and we get to stay sober one day at a time and I'll call the taxidermist and so I started answering the telephone and as a direct result now I'm $86,000 out of debt as a result of answering that telephone but more importantly and this is more important than that you know my sponsor has taught me to answer that phone in the middle of the night when it rings too and you know I work the night shift you guys and most nights I'm gone working and stuff but you know I sleep during the day and so forth but you know I'd work 72 hours this one particular week and you know we're like we're too hungry angry lonely or tired I was a bitch is what I was and I had this night off and I went to a meeting earlier in the evening I went home and I went to bed early and the phone rang about 2 o'clock in the morning and I thought that's either one of the women I sponsor it's my boss wanting me to come to work and I'm not answering that phone I have just I can't do I can't even think straight anymore and this voice in my head said pick up the telephone somebody might be in trouble you guys have taught me well I'll tell you anyway I answered the phone and sure enough it was my boss and she said I've got 18 people sick over here tonight we're going to do a liver transplant it's about 3 years old I need your help now get over here and help me I said I am not coming over there I can't even think straight I'm dangerous on my feet is what I was and she said I have no choice but to ask you to come I have nobody to do this she said throw some cold water in your face and get over here and she hung up on me is what she did and I was going to call my sponsor but I don't want to talk to him about nothing at 2 o'clock in the morning I know what he had told me nobody ever died from lack of sleep Karen I have to say there's a first time for everything Clancy you know anyway I just went to work and I'm so glad I did you guys the most precious thing happened to me and I got over there and I sent my orderly upstairs to bring our little patient down to surgery little 3 year old little girl that needed a liver transplant dying from some strange liver thing and stuff and we had a jet coming in from the east coast to deliver for this child we had some time to kill and stuff and anyway my orderly called me and he says come out in front and get your patient you're not going to believe all the people in this family and I thought well that's nice that they have the support I was so crabby you guys and I went out in front and the first thing I noticed was like 85 people with this family and I thought how highly unusual at 4 o'clock in the morning how highly unusual anytime if you want to know the truth and the next thing I noticed was the mother she had the most beautiful blue eyes I've ever seen before in my life and the dad was good looking and stuff and I looked down at my little patient and I got to tell you guys that Alcoholics Anonymous has taught me to love at a level I never ever ever dreamt possible myself and I ever so gently fell in love with this little baby girl and she was so sick she couldn't lift her head off the pillow she was so sick and I remember thinking to myself and you didn't want to be here you selfish person you didn't want to be here I hated myself at that moment and I thought I'm going to be the best nurse I have ever been before in my life and by God I was too but in her arms she had a little bear and she had a blanket wrapped around that bear hanging onto him for dear life and I said oh you brought your little bear down to surgery and she tried to tell me her little bear was going to have a liver transplant and I said oh you're both going to have one and she said no just the bear you know anyway we sent the family out the way and that mom was in absolute hysteria because I've got to tell you guys and this little girl looked at me and she said why is my mommy crying go tell my mommy not to cry and because of Alcoholics Anonymous what I've learned in this program I was able to tell that little girl the truth and I said your mommy's crying because your mommy loves you so very very much and that seemed to settle her down a little bit and stuff and we have an anesthesiologist at UCLA that loves to play with the kids he is just a delight to work with let me tell you the bear got an IV started and his bag was called bear and she thought that was real funny and when she went to sleep the bear went to sleep and it was really quite painless for her if you want to know the truth and so forth but I've got to tell you guys that 16 hour transplant did not go well we almost lost that baby a couple times due to blood loss I have never seen a team of people pull together like we pulled the other baby that day and 16 hours later she went up to her room with not much hope at all I've got to tell you guys well we said some prayers on that one let me tell you anyway I became obsessed with this child and I had to see her again and I knew she was still alive and so forth and we have a rule there you need to not get involved with these transplant patients they wonder where the organs come from we cannot tell them it's best not to see them after surgery now I'm telling anybody in their room today that I'm real good at breaking rules now aren't I I thought I'm just going to go up and see how she's doing and I'm not going to talk to anybody and when she was six days post off from that transplant I went to her room and I opened the door to that baby's room and you guys I could not believe what was in front of my face my God the power of God the power of God here was this little baby girl it was the first time she was in surgery she was jumping up and down in her crib she had diapers hanging around her knees she had that baby that bear in one arm she had a baby bottle in the other and she put band-aids all over this bear he had band-aids on his eyes his ears his nose and I mean everywhere and I stood in that hall and I just cried like a baby it is not cool to see the nursing staff ball let me tell you and that whole room full of people were in there and something caught my eye out of the corner of my eye and I'll be damned if our book wasn't sitting on that kid's dresser and it all made sense to me now and I was in that room like a flash and I said to the mother I said whose book is that and she said well that's my book I'm a member of Alcoholics Anonymous so is my husband her sponsor was there his sponsor was there those 75, 80 people driven 500 miles to be with his family they were not from the LA area and I was impressed boy was I impressed let me tell you and they showed me one more time what this thing is all about it's about love and service and that's all it's about and I asked the mom I said how long have you been sober and she said five years today I thought oh my god her little girl for the first time what a fabulous birthday birthday present and stuff and I walked over to this baby and she stopped dead in her tracks and she said go away I'm not sick anymore I had my scrub clothes on and scared the hell out of her I said I didn't come up here to hurt you I came up here to see how you're doing and you guys she gave me her little bear and she said you take him home and take care of him he's so sick and needs a nurse to take care of him and I told the mom I said oh I can't take that bear home my god that bear went through this baby's liver transplant we put a little plastic bag by her little head for her whole surgery you guys I said you really need to keep this a memento and she said Karen please take it she wants you to have it she's got 50 bears in this room and she did indeed have 50 bears in that room and I felt like a fool walking down the hall with that bear but that bear was my most prized possession of the problem of alcoholics anonymous for many many years then it got to be too important to me when it gets to be too important we gotta get rid of it folks let me tell you my little granddaughter said grandma can I have that bear I said it's grandma's bear and I thought I can't believe I talked to my little granddaughter that way and she says grandma please let me have him she knows the whole story you guys and I said grandma I'll buy you a hundred bears it's my bear and she said but I want him it got so bad I had to talk to my sponsor about it what's a 50 year old woman talking to her sponsor about a bear for you know my sponsor told me quit being so selfish you had the memory let her have the bear so that bear sits in Lincoln Nebraska on her dresser and I visit him I go to visit him a couple times a year but anyway I thought I need to reciprocate here I obviously was not prepared for a birthday party and I remember something that was in my pocket that my sponsor gave me when I was five years sober I was nine years sober when this happened it was a medallion for five years of sobriety the reason it's in my pocket at night at work is because there's narcotic use of that medallion and I'm telling you in this room tonight when I open that cupboard sometimes my eyes light up like firecrackers I can grab and remember where the hell I'm coming from here but you know I'd hung on that medallion for four years too long I'm a selfish woman I'm sorry to say I could not seem to find the woman that was special enough in my opinion to give my five year medallion to my sponsor and I knew I'd found her let me tell you that's what you do for me eventually here and I gave it to her and she says oh Karen I can't take that my God Clancy I said no I want you to have it and I really really meant that so she took my medallion and stuff and the nurses got wind of all this we got a cake for the mother we celebrated her five years of sobriety and I must tell you guys it was the most magnificent days of my entire life and stuff and I got my sponsor on the telephone within about three hours he had about 50 cars in front of UCLA and I cannot begin to tell you how proud I was to take those people to my home group and alcoholics at night the Pacific group there's been no more contact with them it's got to be that way for many many reasons but I know that little girl is doing very very well and stuff and you know the point I'm trying to make is here if I hadn't been taught through sponsorship to pick up the telephone none of this would have ever happened how many times in my life have I missed stuff because I wouldn't answer the damn phone when it rang that'll make me crazy if I think about it long enough but you know people say to me all the time why do you keep doing it Karen why do you keep doing it and I know of no greater thing to say to them there are 12 traditions as long form so that this to the end that my great blessings may never spoil me I may forever live in thankful contemplation of him who presides over us all and I'm going to say one more thing and I'm going to shut my mouth here it has been one hell of a walk from Skid Row Nebraska to where I stand in Seattle Washington today and I think that but for the grace of God now Clark Sonnenman said I would have missed it all thank you for having me and thank you for my life you